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Why would someone have no friends?

There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.


Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?



Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity – Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style – Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,

Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Comments (4,468)

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  1. Sabine says:

    This is not a reply to anyone in particular…..
    I am going to unsubscribe to this site. All I keep reading are posts from people with severe depression and it’s hitting a raw nerve with me. I don’t mean to be insensitive but everyone has problems and many choose not to dwell on them or to feel sorry for their self. I have zero patience for emotional vampires that seek out online sites to air all their medical ailments (mental or physical) just to draw in people to feel sorry for them.
    If you’re looking to make friends don’t use your vast medical history as the topic of discussion – leave that with your physician, therapsts, or beneficiaries. Your ailment should not label you as a person, however being negative all of the time looking for sympathy will cause people, like me, to walk away from you faster than saying you have some contagious airborne disease.
    If you don’t like your circumstances, change it. Look on Craigslist for support groups, or special interest groups. See a nutritionist and change your diet if you’re depressed. Even if you have a physical disability join a bowling league, take an art class, take a cooking or pastry class, or join a book club. Learn a new hobby like sewing or wood working. Anyone can join a gym and take up yoga, Tai Chi, or learn Swimming aerobics.
    If you want to marinate in self depreciation, go right ahead. There’s always an audience for emotional blackmailers. Or you can take the steps and change all of that and come back on here and post your success stories with making new friends or starting a community group where middle aged people and empty nesters come together for pot luck parties, or go out on the town together.

    I’m not perfect nor do I strive to be. I’ve got my quirks just like everyone else has. I grew up in a typical dysfunctional family where my mother was a narcissist, where anything I had done was never right or good enough for her standards. But that was her problem. Her keeping me isolated probably initated me becoming a loner. But I also learned through the years as a flight attendant that over 90% of the general population are total assholes – even I can be one at times. But I also learned that being alone is OK, and that it’s my choice if I want to be happy. I’ve learned not to base my self worth on the number of friends I have or how popular I may or may not be.

    Most on this page are in their golden years or twilight years. Don’t leave this earth without having good memories.
    Get out of that dark place, make a new habit of trying things out of your comfort zone. Having dinner alone in a restaurant is not a bad thing because most patrons would be sitting there thinking they couldn’t do it – so from afar you’re admired and you wouldn’t even know it.

    • LauraSL says:

      You raise some really good suggestions and I like your can do attitude. Some of the people posting here are so severely depressed and isolated, posting here is a first step for them and fortunately this site exists to help them. Maybe posting here gives them the courage to take that first step? I seriously doubt they bring up their medical issues when trying to make friends in the real world. But they can openly post here with anonymity to seek out support and ideas from others.

      • Melissa says:

        Thanks LauraSL…Yes, many of the people here DO need this to try…No one has a perfect life but part of what the previous poster says is true…yes, we have to try to get out of that dark place and try. Sometimes we are all not there yet. Therapy does help for some and that is if they can be reached AND if they work the program (so to speak), but to just say stop it and go do something is really too simplistic for many people. I have been working on myself for a long time and am trying. Failures do happen and many cannot even manage a failure, so again, to look at just fixing yourself and getting past and joining this or that may work for some, but not all… Just my opinion….

    • Markus says:

      you are spot on and I really like what you wrote and could not agree with you more. I like the attitude you exude in your style. Life is what one makes of it!

    • Carmela Minor says:

      Hi Amanda,
      I’ve experienced the same. I’m also an only child and I feel that only children (depending on family dynamics ) sometimes find it hard to socialize.
      It sounds like your doing everything right just don’t worry too much. If certain people don’t included you after you’ve reached out to them , just let them go and move on.
      When you dwell on that group or person too long you may be missing out on other friends.
      Just be open to new people and don’t try to hard .
      When you least expect it someone will become a good friend.

      Good luck to you.

  2. Melissa says:

    Your pain is so clear and present here. I read your post and could only feel the pain of your heart and mind. I have definitely felt as you do now. Sometimes, even in my current life, I feel that way. I felt I “had” a life, but being in my late 50’s, it almost feels insurmountable to manage through and get even one friend that I can count on. I have one woman, by default (she was my mom’s best friend and she is mine now since my mom died)that I can trust and feel she would keep all that I tell her, in complete confidence. Of course though, she is 30 years my senior and we don’t have much in common in many areas that allows us to be friends, but not someone that i can hang out with, do things with. So, being in the position that you are in, I DO understand. It feels like you wee always there for others, always there no matter what for that friend you thought would always be there for you. Yes, sometimes circumstances get in the way, but if someone is that close, they should be able to make time, to make time to understand and to just be there. I get it. Many of us here do try to find our way in whatever situation we are in. Some more depressed and desperate, some less. I am a depressed person who has tried to manage through that for many years. My mother had it too and i feel that it was passed down to me. My two other siblings cope so much better than I and they also have full lives. Mine, like yours, is empty. Void of real friends, void of time and conversation. So, like i said, I DO understand.
    Please write back. Write all you feel b/c i do believe, the more we talk, the better we see ourselves and what is really going on with us.
    My thoughts are there with you and I hope we can converse more.

    • Pamela says:

      Pamela, 58, one Daughter, 22, in College, far away. I have many circumstances that have caused me to be friendless at 58. In August I was going to volunteer at fair GOP, was hoping to make friends. Broke my foot. Always something seems to get in the way. Neighbor was friends when I moved two years ago, she smoked pot, drank every day. Couldn’t be around her anymore. Last best friend quit speaking to me because of her husband! Was stalking her at my house. Wanted me to get restraining order. I was afraid of him and said no. So she quit talking to me. She wasn’t all there anyway! Since I left California have had one bad friend after another. Gave UP! Am afraid of people now. Am very allergic to Animals, has caused me to stay alienated. Have a weird marriage that has caused problems. Long story. I think it’s to LATE to find a friend who is like me. Have two in California I talk to once in a while. My best friend for most of my life died 18 years ago. I am worried about my health because I am alone to much. Have two Oriental Cats, thank GOD for them. Sorry for the other people who are like me. It’s sad…….

  3. Lost in the dark says:

    A lifetime of being available for everyone elses needs…a lifetime of always failing to hold another’s long term attention…a lifetime of always being alone, unseen and unnoticed when my core was in pain…a lifetime of struggling to hold friendships where the importance of being needed was felt from my side alone…i weep for the memories of what could have been…each soul that crossed my path-know that you were important to me and i still think of you, though i know you never look back upon me…this is what life has become as my last friendship was apparantly friendship only on my part…it is now gone…human companionship is not meant for all of us…some will be isolated most of thier lives…surrounded by thier dreams of just belonging to another…it seems so easy…people laughing and sharing and mattering to each other…why was it never easy for me…i am defective…wierd…out of place in my own life…over the years i have become accustomed to drinking coffee alone in the dark…but sometimes at 3 am when my head and heart are swimming in tears-i wish…how i wish there was someone there…i have accepted that this is the lesson that this life has to bare…loneliness is always there…but stupid me i keep wishing there was someone there…i am the lonely girl in the corner in a permanent time out…you do not notice me…

    • Sandy says:

      Lost in the dark, I am so sorry you hurt so much.

    • Me says:

      It’s like you took the words right out of my heart. I feel your pain. 😔

      • Lost in the dark says:

        To the kindred lost Me who also sits in the dark…the pain of loneliness is the most hidden of languages…it is suffered alone by so many…it’s words are the invisible silences shared only by yourself…though we the carriers accept and adapt we never stop daydreaming of that spark…that a fellow travelor of the shadow existance will cross our path…i send this blessing to you…whichever corner of this world you reside upon…know that i read your words and you were thought of today…

        • Melissa says:

          So perfectly said….The pain of loneliness IS the most hidden of languages and only those who have experienced the true horrors of this can understand. It drains every part of your heart and mind….Known it, live it and really am not happy with it…

    • Angel says:

      Wow…you really have a way with words. You pretty much said exactly how I feel. When I saw this, I immediately wrote it down in my journal. I hope you don’t mind.

      • lost in the dark says:

        to angel…i send thoughts of peace to you…i know my words have found shelter between your pages…i collect them too…framed and protected behind glass…hanging in needed spaces around me…allows the knowing-that somewhere-sometime-someone…had these dark thoughts too…it brings clarity that these feelings are universal…

  4. Martha says:

    I have been stumbling across on this site so many times while searching for something which might help me make contact with others like me who feel completely cut off and lonely. I am not seeking for advice on how to fill my time as I have tried so many of them such as Meetup.com, volunteering, International Women’s club, Church groups, craft groups, courses etc. I live in London with my British husband and I am in my fifties. Prior to moving to the UK 25 years ago I used to have friends. Some people think big cities tend to be lonely. We have lived in smaller areas before we moved to London. In 2014 Britain was voted the loneliness capital of Europe and yet nobody is prepared to do anything about it. Research has shown that loneliness has impact on physical as well as mental health and that this may be the next biggest public health issue for the country on par with obesity and substance abuse.

    Even on individual bases there is a lot of resistance and barriers are deliberately erected to deter others from attempting to enter into most social circles. Nowadays one’s earning and spending power seem to be a prerequisite often disguised as lists of interests to possess in order to be considered as a ‘’friend”. What happened to friendship just to enjoy each other’s company and for the sake of mutual support through good times and bad times? In my twenties I had an English friend who used to enjoy going out clubbing but I didn’t and yet I used to go with her despite disliking the whole thing because I loved my friend and it was my way of being supportive. I also used to think friendship transcends race, creed or colour until I moved here.

    We are social animals and need to feel that we “belong” to others and feel connected to one another. Social pain is as real a sensation for us as physical pain; researchers have shown that loneliness and rejection activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain.

    I often wonder if there is a global network of people who believe geography should not be a barrier to connect with like minded people to form friendship. I don’t mean through social media. It is more about creating communities who genuinely care about each other perhaps even with a view of visiting each other.

    • Melissa says:

      Martha….wow, you hit it all on the head with everything you shared. I do believe that, without social interaction, or should I say, the complete lack thereof, CAN lead to many other “ailments” that our brain can create that makes us feel even more alone in our own issues.
      I have found that within myself. I found that, in my 20’s and 30’s I was so more outgoing and adaptive of situations and tried, no matter what, to go to places, be part of things, etc. than I do now. I am 58 and even though that is not old, many see it as such. Hearing how you just don’t fit into this group or that place or whatever, it does tend to train your brain to actually believing it. I fight that thought every single day and found that it is, by far, the hardest job I have ever had. I still feel I am relevant, I feel I have lots to share, but there’s that wall that has become very high around me now that I am always trying to climb over.
      I do truly believe that our geographical issues can be a hindrance . I live in a small town that, for the most part, seems so disconnected from life. Not that people here are void of things, but there’s little to no real activities or offers of that to get involved in. I used to live in a larger area up north that had many things to do, places to go and at least offered a chance to try. I have felt, since being here, that i did not fit in, nor do i feel I ever will. They are backwards minded people. Not horrible, but enough so that me and my lifestyle will never be accepted. It has become a large burden for which i carry and being that I am where i am to take care of my last surviving parent, i cannot leave until that job is done. So what do I do? I reach other here and hope i can find more like minded people. I think I have and hope to continue to, at the very least, find some semblance of support and understanding.

  5. Teresa says:

    Thank you for this insight. I agree.

  6. Helen says:

    Firstly, I get so fed up these days with the assumption that somebody who doesn’t apparently have lots of friends somehow has personality flaws that need to be fixed. I would like to ask: who hasn’t got some personality flaws? And besides, why are certain characteristics a flaw anyway? What is wrong with being fiercely independent? Such people are strong and very capable human beings who do not make a nuisance of themselves due to ineptitude. I have always found it ironic that we live in a society that talks about the importance of the individual and so forth; yet when somebody demonstrates true individuality- in a context of normal life as opposed to “coming out” as some sort of imagined minority-, it suddenly becomes a flaw! This inconsistency is something that often makes relating with others a minefield of stress! Who needs it?

    I am in my fifties and happy having no friends. I have always been independent minded and frankly, have struggled with friendships so much over the years, I find I am better off without. I always tended to be a loner as a child- for a complex of reasons; but I was inherently independent. Some people are just introverts and become drained around others (as opposed to extroverts who are energised by company); that’s just nature. The trouble is, extroverted characteristics are seen as more desirable, but the truth is, we need more introverted types because there is way too much noise in the world. We need people who can think, consider and reflect, not just talk!

    For many years, I tried all sorts to overcome the issue of struggling in friendships and got sick and tired of being the one who had to make all the effort in relationships. Ultimately, my efforts to overcome “the problem” confused me more and led to decades of chronic depression, making me think I was so inherently “damaged” that I would never function properly. Frankly, that perception of myself others had foisted upon me meant I never took opportunities I may well have excelled at. I even considered I was “too flawed” to be in a relationship with a man who adores me; but I adore him so stuck with it and eventually, in that light, made a breakthrough of understanding…

    There is nothing inherently wrong with me. Rather, we are living in a society where community is no longer real, it is as false as our throwaway society. Community had rules in which friendships operated and these rules were about survival and intangibles such as loyalty, trust, honour etc. But now with massive mobility, communities everywhere are broken and there just isn’t that bond anymore because it is not needed for survival. However, as herd creatures, it has left a chasm in people, particularly those who do take time to reflect deeply. Those who lack depth are better able to function in the superficial, material reality of today and many do think if they have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook and if Starbucks sends them a “happy birthday” post, that they truly are popular! But it is a mirage and it’s not a mirage I want. There is no trust, genuineness, loyalty, honour etc in such set-ups. Further, we have become so disconnected from nature, that we think if we have no friends, then we are alone. The truth is we aren’t and nature is a great healer and friend. I never feel alone even though ostensibly, I am always on my own! Inwardly, I feel a genuine bond with Nature and through it, I gain greater self-awareness and depth of character, a richness I have virtually never felt in human company- except with my man.


    • Liz says:

      Helen, every word of what you have written resonated with me. I’ve said many of the things you’ve said on this and other blogs.

    • Racheal says:

      This is sad but so true! I completely agree with you. I think I would like to invite you over for coffee 🙂

    • Liz says:

      Helen & Racheal, save a spot for me at the coffee table! The fiercely independent element of your comments has left me – as Racheal has said – a pariah. It even affected my career. Self-employment meant I didn’t need to spend my life placating insecure narcissists and psychopaths (contrary to stats, there are more people in these mental health categories than documented). One of the biggest issues I encountered was labelling: independent and confident must equal a whole plethora of labels e.g. “difficult”, contrary; a ‘know it all’ (far from it, I enjoy learning and whilst I am very well educated, I believe education is not a finite pursuit but an ongoing existential objective); insubordinate or subversive ans all manner of divisive tactics were used to try to inhibit my freedom of expression and demonise me. The repercussions were huge and significantly affected my health. Unfortunately, fault finding is common if you’re independent and confident and it’s easy to absorb the psychological ills of others and the social dysfunction of a cultural group by a process of osmosis and subsequently, stunt one’s own growth simultaneously. Ironically, the projection becomes internalised and the victimisation becomes the burden of many people who have worked on personal development and who are (in a non-religious sense) spiritually awake and enlightened. It’s a cruel twist and price to pay for other people’s insecurities. Even when encouraging others, I have been attacked regardless which means the positive thing is to focus on my own journey and help vulnerable members of society whenever I can no matter the criticisms, because my job in life is not to justify my independent nature to furnish people with the assurances they believe they need and which, in my experience, rarely resolve their insecurities. I’ve stopped unnecessarily internalising and shouldering the responsibility of other people’s projections by way of constant anxiety because, just like those who try to demonise me or at the least pick fault, I take every opportunity and thus, responsibility to work on myself and challenge people who find fault to do the same.

    • Sandy says:

      Hey Helen, I think you’ve made a few friends on this post!!…lol

      Including me!!

    • Liz says:

      Helen, I hope you join the Friendship blog connection so we can indeed connect and become friends with you on Facebook. As Sandy has said, you’ve already made a few friends!

  7. Eric says:

    I am only a teenager in high school but I believe myself to be very intelligent not smart like I make A s in my classes but I do have a high IQ and I didn’t read all of it just because I didn’t need to I read very little and already am subject to multiple of these problems of why I have no friends who try and hang out with me in particular the two biggest ones that I read and felt related too was the fact that I have no experience being in close relationships with anyone and that I am always shy and uncomfortable around others I get very depressed by this and for the 1st time in in a long time I cried for a reason that wasn’t Physical pain and it’s just I feel like I have no clue who I am or that the person I am is not someone other people want to be around or even with


  8. Sabine says:

    Gosh I’ve not had any close friends in over 20 years. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not exactly an extrovert but not really an introvert either. I’m friendly with those I meet. I give direct eye contact when talking with anyone or at least some type of acknowledgement of those I walk past. I try and meet some of my neighbors since I’m new to the area, or I will exchange small talk with people while out walking my dog or while I’m at the dog park. I’m not condescending, I’m not snobbish, I’m not rude, critical, opinionated, or discuss any of the unmentionable taboos (religion, politics, money).
    Here recently, my husband and I needed to move out of state because he was starting a new position, which meant we needed to sell our home. So I had asked a neighbor to come to our home and water the outdoor plants twice a week while the house was on the market in exchange for a fair amount of money. Even though I had known the neighbor for over 3 years and had chatted with her several times, and she took care of my pets for a week while we went out of town (yes I paid her then too) I always felt like she never really wanted to be friends. Which is fine I guess, I’m not going to push myself on anyone.
    Luckily it only took about 3 months for our house to sell. After I sent the neighbor her last check I also sent the family a nice gift basket full of goodies. I never heard from her again to acknowledge the gift or even a thank you for doing so. Maybe people get too caught up in their own lives, especially when they get married and have kids.

    I don’t know why but it’s like the only people that ever wanted to be my friend are those that would gladly hang out as long as I was buying. I didn’t think I came off as being so desperate for “friends”. However that’s why those relationships were so short term because I wasn’t having any of that.

    Is something wrong with me for not having any real friends since childhood?

    • Denise says:

      I am wondering the same.
      I found my self being jelaous at people who have best friends since childhood.

      • Rena says:

        I honestly can not believe that I am not alone. I have not one friend. I do not have a high school friend. I have always been around my family and their friends. I am very jealous of people that do have someone in their life. My family uses me for things like cleaning house or when they are so bored. I have sought out for a counselor to try and help with my depression, she tells me to start walking with a friend. When I told her I didn’t have one she just looked at me and said maybe one of your family members that support you in your depression. It’s very lonely in my world today. I have faith and pray that God puts spiritualy filled people in my life. I feel blessed to have found you all sharing your stories. I am a good person but I have come to the conclusion tonight that I need to learn to be my own best friend. May God bless you all and know you are deserving and it’s their loss not yours

        • Sandy says:

          Thank you, Rena. We need to come back to this post, all of us and remember our stories ARE of interest. You ALL sound like amazing people. It takes a strong, special person to walk through life alone, but we are not alone. We have each other here.

          God bless all of you. You are all worth it.

  9. ND says:

    Frankly, I’m rather disturbed that the “advice” given here. Why must it be her fault? Why assume she is the one who has to change? The world is not some magically perfect place where if you’re nice to others, everyone will just automatically be nice to you back. Doesn’t work that way. Thanks for making my mood even worse tonight.

    • ND says:

      And btw, being “fiercely independent” is NOT a problem that needs to be fixed.

      • ND says:

        And suppose for a moment that she is shy and introverted. She is clearly making the effort to fix that by initiating contact. But apparently that’s not good enough? Maybe the problem ISN’T her.

        • Sabine says:

          I agree with you. The “advice” was over analyzed. It was almost directed at peope with severe personality disorders or maybe those with Asperger’s that recognize they communicate differently.

      • Racheal says:

        Right? I mean, some of us have been REQUIRED by life circumstances to become “fiercely independent” just to survive. And now we’re told that the reward for developing that kind of inner strength and resilience is social pariah status?

    • Liz says:

      ND you’ve expressed eloquently my exact thoughts. I’ve read many facebook maxims that have circulated that erroneously assert: “what you put out you get back” (paraphrase). Often the reverse is true and regardless of how concerted a person’s efforts, and if they follow the norms of the ‘manual of social etiquette and survival’, this does not guarantee you will be treated fairly, with respect or even basic decency. There is often an inherent message that if misfortune occurs in your life, it is warranted to advise that it must be warranted by one’s negative conduct. This is essentially blaming the victim, which adds emotional injury and insult to injury. Victimising the victim is scapegoating and allows those who’s conduct is unbecoming to abrogate responsibility being by feeling validated that everyone else has the issue – a clear case of Projection. This also often happens a lot with bullies and is why oversimplifications are not the answer to complex social interactions, in which situations and people are rarely what they seem.

  10. Heidi says:

    I dunno. All of it strikes a chord with me, I am sorry to say. Listening to Joyce Meyer (televangelist) today and she said if we are continually struggling with a problem, and it is not sorting itself out, take a break, and soak in the Word of God daily and let it wash over us. All I can do! Currently, I spent money to pay for a future daughter-in-law’s shower, plus a very big gift and she didn’t speak to me at the shower and when I went over to her, she rolled her eyes and laughed at me. Me? I hardly ever see her, have never bothered her at all, am always polite and friendly to her. I am a friendly person, well-groomed and attractive and I enjoy and appreciate other people’s good qualities. She is spoiled, arrogant and she is marrying a great guy in my son, whom we produced! Talk about ungrateful. A pox on her house, I say!

    • LauraSL says:

      Your DIL is going to be your pipeline to your son and your future grandchildren. Maybe her behavior will change as she matures? I would take the high road, be kind to her , and model good behavior.

  11. Gypsy says:

    I divorced after 20 yrs. Lonely in marriage. Bad move as I lost everything. Including my kids love for several years. Moved back to home area and live with and care for narc dad and alcoholic mom. I tried making friends but this area of people seem to think I am effed up. Not where I used to live, though. Scared of angry people. I try not to confront people when they blow me off because they get mad and dont feel they have to be accountable. So I ignore it and they steamroll me and I get repeat performances. In therapy and I am pangender. Went back to school and working on MA. People at work are mostly younger and completely intentionally exclude me from conversations to carpooling. One woman my age has decided I am smart and might ruin her rep as the queen know it all and has ousted me over and over. Ended up in mobbing behavior by other more younger co workers who are afraid of her. My boss is scared of her too. She wont help me. I hate my life and I pray God will give us all what we need in love and support

  12. Gilbert says:

    Am so lonely and alone sometimes i think if i died in my room now it would take 3 years for people to discover am dead. Like no one calls me to check on me. Am an introvert surely but have never learned to live with it. I’ve tried to connect with those around me, joined clubs to socialize but it seems only to be getting worse, and when i get disappointed i extend further away from people, i’ve tried drinking it off, smoked a lot of cigarettes, slept a lot, but this makes my situation worse. The other day bandits broke into my room and took staff but no one checked on me, my neighbors didn’t even bother. I felt like committing suicide but just dropped the idea. Always know you are not alone in this situation, but i believe God will make a way one day and people will look for us because they need something from us.

    • I used to have a life says:

      Hey Gilbert, I read your story bro and i see a few things i can relate to. First of all im glad you decided against suicide and i hope you never ever follow through. secondly i want to thank you for saying such a simple line (that i for some reason never thought of) that i feel has helped me understand my own situation…Because i too am an introvert who hasnt yet fully learnt to live like one. I grew up on a busy council estate with lots of friends and i used to have a good social life with what i thought were lifetime friends (people i grew up with) but over the years being an introvert (without realising) slowly but surely killed off my normal way of living. things quickly started to go wrong in all aspects of my life and all the closest people in my life soon faded away. I fell into depression and buried my head like an ostrich to not only help deal with these strange uncontrollable feelings but also to hide it from people due to embarrassment. When i finally pulled my head up from the sand, i felt estranged from all my old closest friends, i have met up with a few since but i feel my situation has left me a shell of my former self and i find it hard to converse with them…everyday i struggle with self destructive feelings but i know after everything ive been through and underneath all the crappy thoughts i still have a vision of how i want my life to be and i can see you haven’t given up too. I imagine there are millions of people in a similar situation, some keep pushing through until they get where they want to be and some unfortunately give up….10 years ago nothing would have fazed me, today i needed to hear the words from a man like Gilbert to help me realise i am not unique and to fight the self pity that usually consumes me daily and pushes me to make devastating mistakes….Keep your chin up people & i hope we all find that natural inner peace we all seek

      • Melissa says:

        I like your name on here b/c, for whatever reason, we are all saying how we “Used to have a life”…I know this is how I am and I bang my head against the wall trying to figure out where I changed and why. I know moving forward is the answer here but I need to know what happened to me that did this so I will be more conscious of it from now on.
        I had a fairly decent life up until 2002…From that point, I can say that I ended up moving back to my old hometown after living 600 miles away for almost 30 years and I felt (and still do at times) ashamed and I let myself down. I too, buried my head in the sand so to speak and while doing so, I allowed lots of time to slip away from me. All the while, I was getting more frustrated, angry and just plain old fed up with my actions or should I say Inaction…Then I fell into drinking and figured out that was not working, so got rid of that…I have had many physical issues going with my knees and that lent itself to being less and less apt to go out and try to do much b/c I was always in pain…So, with all of that said, I fell into depression and have been struggling with that since….
        I feel as though I will never “fit in” around this place b/c A), I’m a lesbian, B) I cannot relate to the ways people think around here b/c they are very conservative and I, well, I definitely am not…
        I leaned on my mom for 13 years until she got sick and died less than 2 years ago….I feel so alone and confused on what to do and how to get there…You mentioned how some people keep moving along until they figure out how to get where they want and/or just feel better….I guess I just have not been able to accept the fact of where I allowed myself to be and not having $$$ to move, I feel completely stuck…So, being that and emotionally restrained, it has not made for a happy life….Maybe someone else can relate?

    • Rick says:

      I took care of my wife who was ill for 20 years. We became isolated over time because she could not go out, mobility problems, and I stayed with her most of the time. She died in 2012 and I retired in 2014. At first I sort of looked for another relationship and felt like I wanted to develop a good friendship(s) but it hasn’t happened. Now though I am ok with being a lone. I have issues to deal with like poor hearing, I put on quite a bit of weight while taking care of my wife and it’s coming off slowly. Have mobility used, diabetes, artificial heart valve, etc. These things can be a problem for making friends. So I have come to the realization that I don’t really need friends. I am fine by myself. I have a strong spiritual life – belief in God. I quit worrying about friendships and just decided to be the best me I can be. So being happy with myself has been the key for me. I can be funny, caring etc. My family likes me, I have two adult daughters. I don’t believe I would activity shun a possible friend, I just am not going to fret about having a friend at all. I believe you have to like yourself first, be happy with who you are and with or without friends and your life will be better. In fact I really don’t want to have to deal with the baggage some people have, it’s too hard to cope with them. So a positive out look for yourself and pick friends wisely if you are so inclined. Do things you enjoy, don’t be afraid to do things by yourself, stay busy!

    • Angel says:

      Gilbert, I understand how you feel. I have the same thoughts a lot of times. I’m an introvert too and I spend more time alone than with others. When I did have friends and roommates, I would turn to drinking because it made me feel like I had something in common with those around me. But it wasn’t helpful at all because I eventually became a person that wasn’t in my character.

      I am going through a difficult time right now, and reading your post has made me realize I’m not the only one that feels and thinks this way. I appreciate your words. I’m hoping my mindset changes so I can have happier relationships with people without feeling like an outsider.

  13. John says:

    Nice words from people who I see are the same situation as myself. I grew up with some close friends who have drifted apart over the years. I find it hard to meet new friends these days , I am shy around new people and find it hard to talk when in new groups. I would love to lose that shyness but I know it’s part of who I am. Maybe this is the start of a new path when I found this site.

    • moodus says:

      Hello John…I think many of us are in the exact same boat…You have a lose acquaintances…I would not consider anyone a friend if they can just leave/disconnect like many do.
      I am also quite shy, but I think most would say lacking confidence in ourselves as the reason. Hey, I have made many attempts at connecting with people. For me, however, my location has hindered my interest in some people and the activities they offer around here. It’s a small town that has had the same families here as when I grew up in this place. Thankfully, I left 2 days after graduating high school and made some friends up where I moved and lived for 30 years. I have explained my situation on more than one occasion on here, but feel, until I am happy with me AND move away from here, I will endure the fruitless ventures of trying to find friends. I can only hope I can keep myself as positive as possible to continue my journey.
      Anyway, we all have similar problems with making friends as we age and it’s discouraging sometimes when you try, but seemingly get nowhere. But alas, I will keep trying and I hope you do as well b/c we were not meant to be alone….It hurts…A LOT

  14. Julie says:

    I don’t really have any friends other than my partner’s friends. About 7 years ago I had a best female friend but when I started going out with my current partner her behaviour towards me changed even though I did ask her at the time whether she was interested in my current partner and she said no. The following year she sent me an incredibly nasty email saying that she didn’t consider me one of her close friends and that she had told her psychiatrist various things about me and they had said that the way I behaved wasn’t normal. I simply texted her and told her that our friendship was over and I wished her good luck for the future. She asked if she could call me later that evening but I said no and reiterated that the friendship was over. I do not need friends like that. I prefer people who have a more positive mindset to life and I felt she wasn’t very positive as a person. Yes everyone has problems and difficulties and challenges that they have to overcome but if you have a positive mindset I do think that makes a difference. I also helped her move house a few times and no thanks was given for this and I gave her my bed to sleep on as she didn’t have a bed in her flat. She ignores me now when she sees me but I have accepted this. There is no going back now. I know now that I want to be friends with people who are a little bit more positive.

    • Julie says:

      I should say that before I ended our friendship I did ask her if we could meet up and talk things over which she refused to do and she said she preferred email. Hence the reason why I sent her an email ending our friendship not a text as I said above. I made an error there.

    • Monique says:

      Same here, at least you have a partner by your side. I felt so insecure within myself all I attracted were negative angry people. The funny thing is people say I make them laugh, I’m always smiling, I’m modest, very nice, and try to get along with everyone. I just truly do not know how to build relationships with other women.

      So, please know that you are blessed to have a partner that allows you into his world of friends so that you can have the support that we all need.

      • peter says:

        I am no expert of these things, but if you can make people laugh then you really shouldn’t have any problems with making friends its not you that’s the problem carry on with smiling and stop trying so hard with other people who are so negative that’s their problem (enit) then right when yu don’t expect it bang the right one spots you and you wont be able to shake him off problem No2 ha ha joking,its a sad world we live in today so gotta be ready to bump into a lot a sad people to stay good.

  15. Sam Chapman says:

    I know what it’s like to be an ‘outsider’, feel lonely and envious of how other people around me, seem to find it incredibly easy to make friends. I’ve had these feelings since I was at least 6, and I’m now drawing my pension. I’ve never got really depressed about the things that as some people have, but I have seen the impact it has had on those who became seriously and Clinically depressed. My situation arises from one of the three disabilities I have always had, which I feel utterly ashamed of, many people around me being unaware of me having, because it’s also invisible and un-treatable.

    One thing I’m pretty sure of, is that over the past 2-3 decades, people are expected to take on board more things like social networking sources such as Twitter and Facebook, as well as pressures imposed on us by our peers – some of whom expect everyone else to conform to what they perceive as being ‘normal’ day-to-day experiences.

    Some people ‘rebel’ due to these impositions and end up being manipulated by those who are actively looking out for people they can manipulate, usually via drugs and booze, or playing very nasty mind-games so that individuals can be abused physically and emotionally.

    The Media in general has a lot to answer for due to the either bombarding us with ‘ideals’ that are to many unattainable, whilst ignoring ‘Ms Average’ because they are not interesting, unless they can be lured by the the incentive of ‘fame and fortune’, only later on, to be dropped like a hot potato when whatever led them to be placed on a pedestal has ‘they think’ become boring or something more to their liking comes along.

    I suppose I could go on citing many other examples but these are probably variants of the ones I have already mentioned. Maybe by considering yourself to be like that man in China, who stood up in front of a row of tanks. He didn’t have to, no-one else dared to, yet though what he did, sparked something far, far greater. It doesn’t have to be anything as dramatic as that. Who he was and what happened to him, is still unknown.

    You dear reader, are in many ways like that man, but just don’t realise it. You may well think that what you post on here, has little impact beyond this thread, but I can tell you, that this is definitely not the case, because what you have write, will help others and like a dripping tap, will eventually lead to a flood, that WILL impact on others attitudes in a very positive way.

  16. anon says:

    i acually feel happy and relieved reading this. did anyone notice the ages ( 50) is the GEN-X generation? we are the most lonely and smallest demographic too. i joined many meetup groups,single and women only to find its NOT ME. I made all the moves,invites,and NADDA..crickets… i also have advice..make “friends” with neighbours! i have amazing life saving people in my local area. we do DEEP conversations,about life..i hug them,we suffer through fires,or complain,and give hope..i dont need them to “hang out’ i need emotional love. they give it.
    for you gals..”choose allies” not the old fashioned friends. choose ANY AGE people. i love 20 somthing.college is nearby..chat em up..friendship is not the same since 2000. its just needs adjustment. its GREAT..but go with new format. nobody calls me. i dont care. i can LEAN on people in my area code. F** em

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