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Why would someone have no friends?

There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.


Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?



Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity – Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style – Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,

Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Comments (3,908)

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  1. Jessy says:

    Hi all,
    I need some advice about forming good lasting relationships with nice people. I’m 43yo, but I look at least 10 years younger. I say this, because normally supects my age, and demands that I should live in my own house, get married, have a family; and also bc I look younger, I attract younger friends. I freelance in media, and tend to work with a young crowd 18-28yo, and we get along and hang out out of office hours. Once my freelance jobs ends, I don’t hear from anyone. It seems that people have busy lives, their family to go on weekends and boyfriends to visit weekdays etc. I’ve tried to join in meetups, book clubs, adventure, day trips, museum late nights, but didn’t meet anyone. Sometimes I would join girls club, and potentially one or two would become friends with me, but they want only to go to bars, party hard and once, they were really drunk, one of them took the top off; some girls have bad temper, or bad ethics (flirting with everyone at work, and using me to reach guys, and then dump me, when they were rejected by said guys etc). Some friends I met over a writing workshop were extremely boring, and are not the kind of girls that would come to your house and share intimate details of their life, and be best special friends. My best friends, one by one, left the country – moved out for work, personal reasons etc. I don’t know why. at this age, it has been proven more difficult to have good normal nice accomplished caring people. Most of the people that are in this category, already has their own friends, and are not looking for new ones.

    I have a huge insecurity that doesn’t allow me to be fully happy in my life apart from not having good friends at this stage in my life. I don’t have a family. No parents, no siblings. None. My cousins are all over the world, and since we were children, we were not encouraged to be close; so even my extended family is non-existent.
    I feel handicapped. Im surrounded by people going for Xmas holiday, saving money to buy pressies for their whole family, and I have nobody. I normally travel on my own during holidays to be away from my household, and my landlord and their friends know – but people doesn’t really care, because they have they own family. They normally asked me, how soon will I travel, as they want the house empty to receive their relatives.

    I’ve seen therapist in the past – but they said it’s all in my mind – that I’m very extrovert, smart, and I shouldn’t blame myself for not having ‘special people’ in my life. Things just have not aligned yet. I believe so. But still – I feel lonely from time to time, even so I’m fairly strong and resourceful, and keep myself busy, and never complain.

    I felt this medium is perfect to get advise and share other stories with the world out there.

    Thank you for reading.

  2. Dina says:

    I have a friend who is lovely and kind, but when we meet she likes to talk about all the bad and sad things that happened to her lately instead of focusing on little good things that happen every day. I am like a sponge, I absorb people’s negativity, I try to listen and help, but after awhile I no longer want to get together with them, and I’d rather spend my time with those who’re happy and positive.

    One of the reasons why someone has no friends is their moaning personality. In most cases they don’t realise that they do it… People get tired listening to all the bad and sad news. Be more positive around people and leave negativity for your diary.

    • Teri says:

      Dina, it’s certainly true that people who are negative all the time are quite hard to be around. But I’m sure there are also many people who, like me, have spent their entire lives pandering to other people’s needs and who have such low self esteem that they let people walk all over them.

      I always thought that the way to make people “like me” was to focus on them all the time and never talk about my own problems (so, the exact opposite of a “moaning personality”). As a result, I got to my 50’s with “friends” who have never been interested in me – our friendships revolve around what I can do for them. It would never occur to them that I might have things I want to talk to them about, regarding my life and my problems. Since I got sick a few years ago, their sporadic emails have gradually tailed off – now that I’m not of any use to them, they are not interested in being friends any more.

      So, sometimes people like me end up with no friends, NOT because we moan all the time, but because we put other people’s needs before our own and hence tend to attract people who are very self important.

      Please don’t assume that those of us with no friends are like that because we moan all the time!

  3. Elisa says:

    Always had the same problem. I’m 22 year old finnish girl and I’ve had 1 good friend since 1st grade whom I meet around twice a month. I have serious trust issues. In kindergarden and lower secondary school I was largely ignored and bullied because my mother is russian. Later I stopped trying to be with others largely because I had other interests, like studying and I never liked the way they spent their time together (drinking and doing idiotic things, listening to lame music and watching stupid films). I feel now like I’m becoming too isolated and it’s robbing me of my life, and this feeling is disturbing my studies. I don’t know how to make it stop. Making social contacts is impossible in this age, so how do I make it stop?

  4. nelie says:

    this happens to me to i am kinda different means that i am sometimes shy and other times i am extrovert also i am laugh a lot, but no ones never called me or want to be my friend, i am married now and it sucks because now nobody talk to me because i am married or they talk to me weird. also i been told im weird im petite woman yeah i look like a little girl 5’1 and brown long hair i look more younger than i am used to be really skinny now im normal weight i don’t know its kinda lonely i am in therapy though i sometimes i am used to it being alone i had learn a lot of things i usually reads books, i learn to draw, play guitar and flute all by myself and this gonna sound funny but i learn even graphic design, coding also i enroll in college again to keep my mind busy. yeah i have nothing else to do because no one talk to me or go out with me as friends.

  5. tiana says:

    hi, so like im in grade 11(girl) and i have no friends. idk whats wrong with me.. i try making new friends and im very social with people. I had a really close girl friend in the summer but we drifted because shes too out of control, i have a friend but we dont text too much out of school anymore. No one asks me to hangout really and im just unbelievably sad all the time.

    • DarleneH says:

      I’m sorry to hear that Tiana. This could just be a bit of a bad patch, it happens sometimes. Is there anyone you can talk to, perhaps a school counsellor? How about getting involved in some activities you enjoy, that could help cheer you up and you may even get a chance to hang out with people you may like and could make friends with.

      Good for you deciding not to be friends with a girl you were uncomfortable with, that takes courage.

  6. I so get you, my friend. I do not have friends. I mean I do not have any to keen on, and to hang around with. Without me going to them first, nobody is willing to contact me. However, at the end, I have learnt to be on my own. Try to be on your own, be your own friend. You will find it lovely.

  7. Stephanie says:

    Hey..i just found this platform and thought it would be perfect to discuss my life.

    Well my life should’ve been great you know. I am 20 years old and i am about to become a dentist, soon. Other than that, i come from an extremely well off family my parents are both doctors and well i have an elder sister and a younger brother. I am a real and honest person and ive never really had a problem with making friends.

    I honestly wanna dedicate my life to helping people and well im pretty sure im gonna be the only one taking care of my parents when theyre old coz my siblings are spoilt brats!

    But sadly my parents dont see that. I am actually home these days and i just want to cry my eyes out all day thinking about how anything that ive done is never appreciated by my parents. My brother is the only one my parents are actually proud of coz well he just joined a medical college and cleared the entrance on his own, he comes home and literally beats both of my parents, and keeps asking for money, cars everything at all times and never behaved properly. The saddest part is that he alwars gets it coz my parents fear that he”d drop out of college. Okay, i get why they’d do that, and all i can think of is that how i would never do that to them but they never appreciate me for anything. Despite all that, hes the one they genuinely love and they have also mentioned that several times. Like for example my dad never eats food until my brother does but he doesnt give a shit if i ever eat or not. I dont care he’d care that much if i died also.

    I am frustrated with this life. I don’t know what i can ever do to make them love me the way they love him. But i mean they only live him for selfish motives righr?

    I have literally lost like 10 pounds in 3-4 months and i was already skinny. I used to be extremely pretty and popular but now i have these huge dark circles under my eyes coz i keep crying and i care about all of this too much. I am frustrated to the point that i sometimes think about killing myself coz theres no point of living. I skip meals coz nobody really cares if i eat or not. For once i just needed the same love, which i deserve. People who dont know me, think that my life is perfect and that they’d trade lives with me if they could but honestly, i always have this feeling of emptiness which never goes away. I needed somebody to expeess this to and i gotta ask, where am i wrong?

    • John says:

      Hey um I read your comment and I felt sad for you . You sound like an amazing person and I don’t think that you deserve this kind of treatment , anyways if you want someone to talk to then I’ll be glad to help you , am not a psychologist or anything but maybe if you have someone to talk to then you’ll feel better about yourself . So uh yeah wish you all the best in life and if you want to talk just tell me :)

      Have a nice day

      • Stephanie says:

        Hey thanks a ton for understanding. I really appreciate it ????

        • Stephanie says:

          Minus the ‘??’ Idk how those got in there

          • John says:

            You’re more than welcome , [EMAIL REMOVED BY MODERATOR] (it’s kinda childish but I wanted to be a superhero at that time so yeah lol)

            Nothing personal, John, but it is a general policy that emails or other identifying information isn’t permitted on this blog because such posts make people vulnerable to spammers. Thanks for your cooperation. Irene

            • Tiddly says:


              When a young lady posts on the I yet et that she’s extremely pretty it naturally follows that some troll will attempt to pick up on her. Glad you moderate these comments!

    • DarleneH says:

      Stephanie, you sound like a lovely person. I could be wrong, but you also sound like a person from a fairly dysfunctional family who is suffering from some depression and could use some support. Would you consider therapy? It can be an enormous help, truly. As a person from a dysfunctional family, I can offer that you need to let go of your very natural and valid desire for unconditional love from your family. If they aren’t capable of it, that isn’t going to change. I wasted a lot of years fighting that.

      For me, I learned to feel good about myself and to accept my family for what they are. I let go of my hopes for a normal loving family. It sounds sad, but actually, in a way it wasn’t. It was really peaceful, I now focus my best efforts on my own husband and child and my life. I do spend some time with my parents, but I recognize their limitations. They love me, in their own limited way and I accept that. It’s okay, really.

      As a caveat, a therapist will be able to help you figure all this out, I could be totally wrong about where your parents are coming from. Best of luck to you. :)

      • Petra says:

        Hi Darlene

        I loved your compassionate and helpful response to Stephanie :) .

        I wanted to ask you more about therapy. I am in a similar situation to the one you used to be in (I keep trying to get unconditional love that my parents aren’t able to give me). I recently had my first ever therapy session (I’m in my 30’s) and although it was good to talk and the therapist seemed to totally “get it”, she didn’t actually help me find any way of dealing with my situation. Towards the end of the session she looked really tired and I was worried that I’d talked too much – she had that look that my husband gets when he’s been listening to me talk for hours and hours! I stopped talking, to give her chance to say something, but all she said was something vague about how I had to do what I wanted and not expect validation from my parents. I know that already – what I need is help with WAYS in which I can achieve this! At the end of the session, I was expecting her to summarise and maybe come up with ideas of what we needed to work on, but she just said “bye” and opened the door for me to leave. It ended really abruptly! I have put off having therapy for 20 years and it took a lot for me to open up to someone. I also do not have very much money and I really feel reluctant to have any more sessions, with anyone, if I am not going to be helped with anything. But I often hear of people, like yourself, who have had really good results from therapy. What am I doing wrong?

  8. RV says:

    CJ, Dan. I want to be more compassionate and help but it seems like you are stuck in victim thinking. It’s not easy- but if it was easy it wouldn’t be life.

    CJ for every suggestion anyone has given you, you’ve reacted negatively, or given negative responses: no I can’t do it, it’s not possible etc etc. you are surrounding yourself with negativity, how do you expect anything positive to come out of it? You don’t want to give your friends more if they don’t give you more? They are your friends, you have to talk to them if something is bugging you. And if that doesn’t work, hang out with them when it’s convenient for you and make other friends. . Everyone is fighting a battle: maybe the loud dominating guys in a group are worried or insecure that they are not enough (smart enough, pretty enough, nice enough), so they compensate by being loud and domineering.

    You feel lonely, go spend some time at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter, or at a nursing home for the elderly. You’ll find friends and make a difference in someone’s life. But don’t sit behind a computer and waste your life away but complaining about everything. Complaining or venting never changed anyone’s life. Action did.

    • C.j says:

      … Yes, I love ice cream too.

      • DarleneH says:

        Dude, what?!?

        RV makes a very good point, CJ. You are young, get your butt out there and try some of the suggestions given here or in a book, or by a therapist, or whatever. Keep on trying until it works…..and it will. If you actually want it too, anyway.

        Your parents may not have done a very good job of preparing you for the world, but at some point you have to stop blaming them and take responsibility for your own life. Do you understand that?

        • C.j says:

          Yes! I get it… Thank you Darlene, for the 50th time.

          • DarleneH says:

            Arguing and being flippant with people may distract you or make you feel better in the moment, but does nothing to change your life.

            No, nothing you write here says you actually get it, CJ. Why don’t you at least own that?

            • C.j says:

              Wow, you say that like it’s easy. Like it’s simple. I don’t know what your own situation was or may be. But if what you say is true, then you’ve done a pretty good job. I am 30, I am frustrated that I am far behind other people my own age. And I may have to spent more years of my life on trial and error, and spending time trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Or trying to make sense of the world. And become a man when I have no idea what that involves.

              • Mary says:

                CJ not every 30 year old has made it, as you have been told before. Until you stop comparing yourself to people who have, and until you stop complaining about that you will not change. Heck I/m well over 30 and dont have many characteristics of the avg for my age, yet so don’t alot of people I see. Whether you are a late bloomer or have some kind of disability, it is what it is. Learn from your past mistakes, they happened.Accept your limitations. Maybe you should read up on radical acceptance or start saying the serenity prayer. YOu constantly say you hate where you live. Well then, move somewhere else. Can you join the peace corps? You will have a reason why you can’t. If the reason is legitimate, then decide where you would like to start over, or a few places. You might say all of your family is where you are. Well if you dont like them, or get no value from time with them, maybe you need to live somewhere else for awhile. Then you will either like living away from home or realize the value of what you had and might return. Can you join the military, reserve or something? If you can’t leave now, can you set a goal for 5 years from now, save money, ask for your parents help, siblings, cousins or your one friend? Is there a relative in a more populated section of your country with more jobs that you can stay with to try to turn your life around? If you have no choices but to stay you need to make lemons out of lemonade, and make the best of where you are. I once read of a practice for people who stew for far too long. Give yourself an amt of time every day to feel sorry for yourself. Stay in it, let all of the thoughts be there, all of the negative emotions. Then carry on with your day. If you can’t get beyond all of this ad nauseum can’t do this can’t do that, maybe you have some kind of clinical depression or other mental health issue that needs to be treated.

                • C.j says:

                  Sorry I was actually talking to Darlene. And you say that like it’s easy. And quite frankly, I am getting tired of everybody on my back. I’m not complaining, I have accepted it. It is what it is, what do you want from me? I’m sick and tired of people saying “oh your situation will improve if you just do this” or “if you just do that you will have more friends, more money, more this, more that”. Like it’s that f*cking easy. You people think it’s that f*cking easy. Like I can click my fingers together and get a job, or like it’s easy to get accepted as a volunteer anywhere. Okay, maybe I’m complaining. I don’t have the answers like I said, I am NOT an all emcompassing body of knowledge like you people, and have all the solutions to life’s everyday problems.

                  • DarleneH says:

                    You’re absolutely right, it isn’t that easy. And the answers are different for everyone. I have the solution that worked for me, maybe parts of that might work for you, but parts likely wouldn’t. Point being, learn what is relevant to you from all the sources of info available and see what’s a fit for you.

                    No one expects you to know everything, speaking for myself, I sure as h*ll don’t! Just don’t give up and stop with the roadblocks you keep putting in your own way, okay?

                • C.j says:

                  I am allowed to feel negative from time to time. I don’t need to ask for permission.

                  • DarleneH says:

                    You are right, it is your life, CJ. You are also entitled to your feelings. I don’t want anything but for you but for you to find your way in life, a positive way, whatever that looks like.

                    The reason I push you so hard is that I see a lot of potential in you, not just your youth. You are funny, you are compassionate and you are capable of considering what others have to say. These are just the qualities I see on this blog, there are likely many more that you have in person.

                    You are standing in your own way and the way of those qualities by only seeing the reasons why you can’t do things, rather than how do I do this. I suspect that this pattern happens in your life, people are compassionate for awhile, then they get frustrated at your negativity. You can figure this out, if you actually want to (she said for the 51st time) :)

                    • C.j.M says:

                      What potential? Okay, you see that potential in me. You’ve pretty much named my only good qualities. I can’t think of many more than that (if any).

                      I am constantly asking myself how do I do things. And most of the time I don’t know. So I watch other people. Or I ask someone else and hardly anyone helps me. Alright, no more negativity then. I am sorry. Haha, and yeah for the 51st time that made me smile as well. 😀

                    • DarleneH says:

                      You’re welcome, CJ, you are a good person. :)

                    • C.j.M says:

                      The problem is Darlene, whenever I’ve wanted anything in life, I’ve never received it or got it. And this experience has been consistent through out my life. So I just simply stopped wanting things. Because the more you want anything, you never get it in life. It’s just the story of my life. Even if I go after the things I want, I always end up shortchanged and disappointed. And this has been a consistent experience throughout my life.

                    • DarleneH says:

                      There has to be a reason why, CJ. Perhaps in your approach, or perhaps in your perception of things. I can understand your frustration, though. Look closely at how you approach things, is there anything you are doing? Maybe you need to break you goals down into steps? Also, I tend to have a problem committing to putting my all into things (my own fear of failure) could that be something you do? Try to step back and look at this through new eyes.

                  • DarleneH says:

                    See?!? You do listen. I’m glad you will keep trying, I really am.

                    Other people can only give you suggestions and encourage you when you try. Most of it has to come from within you. It’s there in you CJ, don’t underestimate the power of having a good heart and a sense of humour in getting you there, either. :)

                    • C.j.M says:

                      You always know what to say. You always have nice things to say to me Darlene. Thank you.

                    • DarleneH says:

                      CJ, I hope you are well. I know I’m not a bully, but if I have pushed you in a way that has caused you any pain, I am sorry. I have every faith that you will find your own way in the world. :)

            • Aiah says:

              Same to you, Darlene. What are you trying to do? If you’re trying to help and it’s obvious the person doesn’t find your advice helpful, leave him alone, or briefly offer the contact to some professionals who come highly recommended. Your tone comes off as self-righteous and condemning, not helpful. CJ is right. It’s his life, not yours. If you haven’t the patience to listen to someone get things off his or her chest, just move along instead of making things worse.

              • DarleneH says:

                Did you follow the thread Aiah?

              • Aiah says:

                I actually agree with you Aiah to an extent. Thank you so much and I appreciate your empathy. Yeah venting not only does help getting things off your chest it also helps you see things more clearly. Which is why I started writing in a blog a few years ago until I got sick of it.

                • C.j.M says:

                  I don’t know why my name came up as yours. I wasnt sure how to spell it so I copied and pasted it into the wrong box.

                  • Aiah says:

                    Thank you, CJ. I don’t mean to pick on anyone, but I read that you had explicitly asked people to stop giving you advice you didn’t find useful, but the advice was still forthcoming. And it may have been presumptuous of me, but I perceived what was happening to you to be a kind of bullying, and that is counterproductive. When you ask someone to stop, they should. Period. I don’t know your particular life circumstances, and I cannot know what will or won’t work for you. I do wish you the best, though. I’d offer to be a non-judgmental sounding board if you’d find it helpful to get things off your chest, and I can certainly empathize with much of the frustration and pain you’ve expressed earlier.

        • C.j says:

          And thank you RV.

    • Aiah says:

      I cannot believe you replied the way you did, RV. Clinicians say depression is an organic disease of the brain, and that it can overwhelm all thoughts. Not that I necessarily agree with that, but it’s the standing model of depression, which we’re also told is among the chief risk factors for suicide. Yet you just basically told someone the medical establishment would likely label as depressed that they’re … negative. Did you think about what you typed before you typed it? And worse, then you become preachy: “how do you expect anything positive to come out of it?” I’m not picking on you, but your advice is textbook counterproductive. The person you’re talking down to is very unlikely to get anything constructive out of your lecture, and given the person’s state of mind, your kind of I-know-what’s-right speech is likely to make the person withdraw even more, and increase their suicidal ideation.

      For goodness’ sake, if you sincerely “want to be more compassionate and help,” just remain quiet and listen to someone who may be venting because he has nowhere else to turn, or refer the person to a professional. I don’t want to offend you, but that speech of yours was profoundly insulting.

      • DarleneH says:

        Aiah., I think that you are likely right, sometimes. It depends on the person, doesn’t it? And I don’t think anyone posting here is qualified to make that determination. I have personally fought for compassion on other parts of this blog, when it was sorely lacking, so I’m not against it, that’s for sure.

        But how much depends. There have been people who come here just to vent their bitterness, anger and self pity on others. Does that help? Maybe it does them in the moment, but so does taking some kind of positive action. Or even getting your head around figuring that out. Doesn’t it depend? And I would argue that someone who cares about you will (thoughtfully and with compassion) call you on you sh*t. Honesty and compassion are both equally valuable. And so is listening.

        I don’t expect anyone to listen to me, that’s fine, truly. While I really love to see people thrive, however that happens, I’m not hurt or upset to be ignored or disagreed with. Misrepresenting me, though, that’s pretty annoying. But, you are entitled to your opinion.

        In my opinion, you are pretty preachy, yourself.

        • Aiah says:

          Darlene, I am just receiving notification about your response to one of my earlier comments. I’m glad it’s been some while, as I feel less inclined to offer a reply tinged too much in emotion.

          I don’t know that anyone can answer the question of how much compassion is appropriate. That seems to me a value judgment. At best, it seems people can draw inferences based on aggregate data on what kinds of responses to emotional turmoil tend to be associated with different types of decisions among those suffering. Having practiced and left psychiatry myself, I am most opposed to imposing personal value judgments (what’s right, what’s appropriate) on other individuals’ lives in the context of expert therapeutic intervention. This is not the place to have a debate about the objective evidence in favor of the chief tenets of behavioral health’s biological determinants of so-called mental illness thesis, but at the very least, in the absence of convergent, hard causal evidence supporting the standing model, including molecular and neural sequences directly causally associated with specific behaviors and perceptions, telling other humans what they *should* feel and how they *should* behave, whether by professionals or the lay, strikes me as unforgivably presumptuous and potentially harmful without sufficient appeasatory justification. And it ought to be the individual, the patient, solely who makes the decision about what she or he considers sufficiently appeasatory.

          The advice often given patients, and individuals on self-help websites, far too often issues from culturally determined commonly held beliefs, and not from rigorous evidence. And even in the case where rare advice seems to issue from objective research about what works reasonably well, as the rest of medicine is finally concluding, an individual’s peculiar life circumstances, including her genetic constitution, her lifelong neurological template, and the ways her environment interacts with these internal characteristics, very much affects what interventions are likely to work for her–including the appropriateness of any behavior advice. His name escapes me at the moment, but a California University psychologist published a paper about three years ago in which he asserted that behavioral advice very often doesn’t work for several reasons, among which is that the individual’s experience of his life is so unique that any offered advice is unlikely to be a sufficient fit to translate into long-standing success. I and many other clinicians would agree. Worse, even if some advice is generalizable to the population at large, that doesn’t mean it works for an individual–again, medicine is finally recognizing and working on addressing this. But this ought to serve as a caution to judgmental or dismissive attitudes towards people exhibiting frustration in the face of advice a speaker deems to be sound.

          So when someone alerts another person that her/his advice doesn’t work for him, there is a strong case to be made that it is abusive to continue peddling advice, especially in light of the questionability of the very premises of the cognitive pathology model, the individual experience-barrier to general advice, and the low specificity of even generalizable advice for many individuals. But for some reason psychological advice has become in the 21st century something akin to what religious advice of bygone eras was: a presumption of wisdom and rightness. I have read your replies to various people, and I agree that in general you’d like to see people thrive. That’s common for a social animal like us. I don’t want to begin a blog-flame, but yes, I do find it unbearable that we who listen to others’ stories about their life travails then presume that we have answers, which we judgmentally or moralistically hoist on them. And it is particularly grave when others ask us to stop giving advice, but we feel entitled to continue.

          If my pointing this out makes me “preachy,” I accept that. Countless mental health patients have been emotionally, physically, and legally abused by well-meaning family, community members, and clinicians under the umbrella of we-know-best. And there’s simply not enough clear, experimentally high-quality, convergent evidence to justify such abrogation of individual autonomy–including the right to feel what we do, and express it frankly and safely without bringing immediate harm to others.

          • DarleneH says:

            Aiah, I have enough relevant university education to be able to understand the gist of what you are saying. Not sure how many people would be able to, though, unless they had the right post secondary education. So, are you trying to be condescending? Or merely shut me up with psychiatric jargon? And, is it really appropriate for you to identify yourself as a mental health professional on a site such as this, anyway? Would that not put you in an unfair position of power relative to others? This is a site for peers, people in an equal position to comment on each other’s situations. Or disagree, or what have you.

            I built a bit of a relationship with CJ, my sense is that he needs a little pushing and also encouragement. I care what happens to him, or I would simply ignore him. It would be a lot easier to ignore him. I find your value judgement (and it is exactly that) of me to be unfair and unbalanced, without mention of the helpful and supportive comments I have made towards him or others.

            If you want to help, instead of focussing on correcting others, how about answering those posts that sound suicidal and desperate here and often go unanswered? That would actually show listening and empathy, as you purport to have.

            • Aiah says:

              Darlene, I clearly stated that I *was* a psychiatrist but left psychiatry. That does not make me a mental health professional any more than an ex-cop is a law enforcement officer. Besides, just as oncologists aren’t immune to cancer, mental health professionals aren’t immune to psychological or emotional pain, which is why many of them do find themselves on mental health boards, seeking community. I am glad they can find it, as they deserve it as much as any others.

              There is no unfair position of power on speaking about the bases of modern psychology. If anything, varied perspectives are valuable for building hypotheses, though what ultimately comes to be considered true ought not to be merely a matter of opinion or feelings–even that of professionals, but rather very consistent, clear evidence available and intelligible to everyone. So, no, I don’t feel the least guilty about what I shared earlier. However, it’s telling you think I was trying either to condescend (no, I wasn’t) or to “shut [you] up…with jargon.” (Why psychiatric, Darlene? There wasn’t one psychiatry-specific term.) Frankly, everything I shared is freely available in decent secondary source publications like the Times and many medical centers’ online and print summaries of advances in medicine for patients and general readers. There was no medical jargon in anything I wrote above.

              I won’t speak to your relationship with CJ. I have no right to speak for him. But most of us would be alarmed to come upon a couple in which one person was restraining another despite being asked to stop. It doesn’t matter the relationship history. When an adult asks another adult multiple times to stop–whether touching her or giving advice, yes, many who witness the exchange are going to be alarmed that the one offering “help” will not simply stop. Again, I don’t speak for CJ, but continuing to presume we know what others need and pushing this on them after their clear request that we stop may constitute legal harassment. You may of course find my judgement “unfair and unbalanced.” That is your prerogative.

              I’m not going to address the end of your message directly. Just as you haven’t addressed the content of mine–namely that what people giving psychological advice are usually relying on in forming their advice is individual and cultural values–opinions, rather than clear, meaningful, empirical facts. If you don’t know that your advice is factually derived, and you can’t be confident of how your advice will affect the one you’re advising, it’s very questionable you can be confident that you’re offering valuable advice–especially if others have already argued the advice isn’t helpful.

              And by the way, even a board certified specialist is proscribed by law from offering medical advice online, except under specific circumstances. This is largely because you can’t diagnose complex medical issues by reading a few paragraphs online, and therefore one can be liable for the noxious effects of unsuitable advice. And the mind and its health are exceedingly complex–far too complex for blithe blogs or makeshift online diagnoses.

              Anyhow, Darlene, in the interest of civility, let’s just agree to disagree. If you notice what appears to be me hurting a community member, though, I know that being the sensitive, conscientious, legally aware individual you are, you’ll speak up. As I know you’d expect me to if I noticed the same. Cheers.

              • DarleneH says:

                Yes, we will agree to disagree, that’s fine.

                But, now that you’ve identified yourself as a psychiatrist (former or current hardly matters) you will be deferred to by people here. That’s only natural and will happen. Pandora is out of her box, so to speak.

                You have persisted in describing me as a bully. I have not called you anything, simply rebutted the attack you began on me. And it was an attack, not a calm, measured observation, such as one would expect from a trained psychiatrist. You can’t expect that to go by without comment.

                Anyway, if you help people here and make a positive contribution, that’s awesome. Chasing others around who clearly mean well and are doing their best to help others, not so awesome.

                • Aiah says:

                  Darlene, simply because you say, “I am not a bully,” doesn’t make you not-a-bully. In fact, such articulation very often accompanies bullying. I notice you have a talent for circumventing crucial information–such as my sharing that it is illegal even for a currently practicing physician of any specialty to provide online diagnoses, and separately, that online diagnoses carry grave patient risks. So are you obliquely suggesting someone break the law? You are the only one mentioning psychiatry so far. Not a single other person.

                  As for what transpired between us, your impression that it was “an attack” is as much an opinion as is the impression that your handling of the situation that sparked this debate was “patient.” There is no objective substance behind either judgment. They are merely feelings, opinions that may appear factual simply because of consensus or the authority of an individual rendering the judgment. You are entitled to your expectations of trained individuals in any field, of course.

                  As for chasing, well, to be chased, one must be running. But you are responding to my replies to you, so I do not consider my replies to be “chasing,” your, again, opinions to the contrary notwithstanding. Enjoy the rest of your week.

                  • CountryBoy says:

                    So what do you guys gain by argumenting back and forth. We just share our thoughts here on this blog and if possible do some motivating. Aiah for me you are just the guy down the road and seems you want to prove something. Even if you were a past professional you don’t act like it. There are good doctors and there are bad doctors as it is in any profession. My opinion DarleneH was not bullying, she was just motivating as reacted on the stories. The web is a sense a poor way of communicating, things can easily be misunderstood. One to one helping a friend is the best approach. Nevertheless we all can state here our opinion.

                    • Aiah says:

                      I respect that you acknowledge your assessment as your opinion, and don’t assert it as fact. I sincerely do. Your implication in your good doctors-bad doctors statement isn’t lost on me, but, again, I respect your right to your opinion. The only thing there to argue about is the fact that I am not a “guy”, but a woman.

                      There is, however, something crucial happening here, and it concerns the evolution of psychological intervention. No one appears to want to address it, though. But, yes, when I witness it happening, I speak up, as is my right. That may make me in certain setting unpopular, but I’m willing to pay that price. It’s time for psychology to join the empirical health sciences and move away from articulating personal feelings and assessments as assumed facts regarding interventions that work. I wouldn’t get away giving people unreliable advice on how to protect themselves from communicable diseases. I’d be deemed irresponsible, and might even be civilly or criminally liable. But I could get away with doing the same thing in a mental health setting, and because this may be in line with the status quo, I appear a beneficent hero. I won’t accept that, and I won’t keep quiet when I see it happening even if the majority of a community feel it’s OK. Yes, I may be censored, but I will continue addressing the matter, and those who perpetuate it.

                  • CountryBoy says:

                    Aiah; In response on Your message Now. 17, 2015 at 7:56 PM

                    Looking at your writings I know you are higher educated and I think many won’t understand your term ology, because it is on a professional level which certain can create some misunderstanding on this blog. I used guys as a general term for boys and girls (men and women)………..smile!
                    Just live a little; “Live, Laugh and Love”
                    It is great to hear every ones voice here and hope it helps the few who need some answers. “People Helping People Help Themselves”

                    • DarleneH says:

                      Thanks for the reminder not to engage in arguing, not helpful to others here. Guess I learned a bit about my own buttons!

                      Live, laugh and love to you, too. :)

  9. Karen says:

    I feel the same way and its depressing. When I was in high school I had a lot of friends. I played sports and had a group of friends that I hung out with all the time. (That was 20 years ago). I’ve made some friends at work, and some met others here and there, but I feel like a lot of my friendships are somewhat transitional. What I mean by that is a lot of my friendships have changed. My friends from high school, we kept in touch for a few years, but many have moved, gotten married, had kids, due to life changes, etc., things have changed. I did meet a couple of close friends from work, but some of them have also moved etc., and recently some people that I considered my close friends have let me down. I have some acquaintances but don’t have any really close friends. I am somewhat shy, but that is more in the beginning. I did join some meetup groups but so far, I’m just meeting acquaintances. I don’t feel like I have any real close friends. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but it does get depressing after a while…

    • Vrose says:

      Hi Karen I just read your story mine is so similar!! Transitional friends! You hit the nail on the head
      I also miss having close friends!

  10. Amy says:

    My husband is my best friend but when he is at work I do find myself alone. Grown kids with lives of their own and a mom who passed away in 2014 who was my best friend have left me more alone. I have one close friend who is also a neighbor so that is good but she too works and has many friends. I do a bunco group but still have not made any connections to do anything outside the group. I’ve always been painfully shy. I have no lasting friendships from school and have always been envious of those who were able to create those relationships. I don’t mind being alone it’s just once and awhile I would like to have someone to go shopping with etc. I also have a sister but we don’t always see eye to eye and it has been a rough and rocky relationship with me more often than not giving in.

  11. Dan says:

    Well, I can’t claim anything as dramatic as Kal’s story. I’ve just always been fat and worn glasses and been unskilled at making connections and pretty much hated myself and never had any friends and never will. (Eventually there were contacts. There was even one time when some exercise got me to lose about 20% of my body weight and go from being “obese” to “chunky”, but i fell off of that wagon and gained it all back.)

    I can handle myself adequately enough; no major anxiety or anything like that. But getting to “first base”, on a friendship basis, getting people to want to hang out with me and include me in their activities, much less actually share emotional support and that sort of stuff (much less ever have anything resembling a romantic/sex life), has always been beyond me. And, at age 52, it pretty much always will be.

    The good news is that I’m no longer in the job that drove me to the edge of suicide. The bad news is that this means I don’t even get to meet people any more, not that I would have anything to say. What am I gonna do, mention I’m stress-disabled and don’t work and don’t have friends and have never dated anyone and am cut off from my family and really don’t want to hear about your fucking kids? And I’m in a pathetic nowhere city with mediocre transit that stops running at 10.00 (earlier on weekends), so I can’t go anywhere, anyhow.

    And I’d just feel like an utter failure, having a big fat NOTHING where everybody else has a life.

    Yes, I could buy a car now. (Dad died and, shockingly, left me some $$.) But since I still have no real income, to blow my savings on a car and insurance and paying off the “driving without insurance” ticket from 1997 to get my license back and paying $4/gallon for gas just so I can go to whatever useless club we have out in the middle of nowhere and feel like shit drinking overpriced beers all by myself looking at other people being happy doesn’t seem to make much sense. That’s more likely to give me a case of the blues that even those little red pills (prescription anti-depressants, keep me from being suicidal) can’t cure.

    Yes, I’m in therapy. County-freebie therapy where I’m lucky to get seen once a month. For 45 minutes. That’s really helping me make fucking headway, for sure.

    Yes, I could seek out private practice. I’d blow the cost of a car in year though, maybe less. And since I kind of sort of still cling to the idea of getting out of this nothing town, I’d just be starting again, some more, and it would be $$$ down the toilet. And who’s to say it would work, anyhow? Every county therapist I’ve had (they keep changing them on me, because anybody who’s semi-competent doesn’t stay in that job treating shit like me for long, logically) tries CBT and I’m always “too negative” for it to work. So I’d be wasting money I’m never getting back. And I’m fresh out of dads to inherit from.

    So your basic “I hate myself and I want to die [except that the antidepressants keep me alive and eating food that should go to someone more deserving]” post. Nothing will ever change. I’m a worthless piece of shit and always will be.

    Cheers! :)

    • Amy F says:

      I’m curious as to what type response, if any, you’re seeking?

      • Dan says:

        I don’t know; one less-hostile than yours?

        Mostly I just repress and ignore my feelings of inadequacy, rarely feeling blue. (To invert Thoreau and make the quote more accurate, the unexamined life is the only one I’m capable of living.) But occasionally, I vent. That ^ (and the “I have no friends” Google that led me to this thread) was a vent.

        Or a cry for help. But, if you’d rather insult me, congratulations, well done.

        (Somebody is now going to claim there’s no insult in Amy’s comment. But come on, we can read the subtext there. I was dramatic, I was hyperbolic, I’m not really interested in engaging and getting help, I just came to shit all over the thread. By asking if I’m actually seeking help, she calls the validity of my even commenting—not any part of my experience, but my entire right to exist—into question. Gee, thanks, Amy.

        I’ll tell you what sort of response I *wasn’t* looking for: “get lost, asshole”. Especially hidden behind faux-dispassionate pseudo-civility designed to make me look bad if I call you out on it, the way yours was.)

        • Mike says:

          Hi Dan:

          Glad to make your acquaintance, and you’ve come to the right place. Posting on here to vent your frustrations is definitely a step in the right direction, versus keeping everything locked up inside you. I’m also 52 years old, and have gone thru similar challenges as yourself before implementing daily changes which turned my life around for the better. I know that awful feeling you’re experiencing from being down on your luck, and can definitely relate to what you’re going thru.

          First off, ignore Amy F’s comment to you. It’s an idiotic & childish response coming from somebody who sounds like they’re the ultra-elitist type who probably had everything handed to them in life on a silver platter. Next thing I’m going to IMMEDIATELY recommend is to stop putting yourself down, and get it into your head that you are a valuable human being who has just as much worth as anybody else on this planet. To accomplish this process, you first need to establish who you are TO YOURSELF. Let’s forget about money, fame, fortune, friendships etc. for the time being. Those aside, ask and seek from yourself the answers to these questions “What are my goals & desires in life?” “What are things that interest me, that make me tick?” “What are my feelings, stances and positions (religious, political, social, etc.) towards different areas in life, society and the world in general?” You need to become your own best friend first by being attracted to yourself thru your own feelings of self worth. In this way others will start to slowly become attracted to you as well, resulting from the ensuing growth of your own self confidence which automatically gets exuded to others. It’s a slow process, but the sooner you start, the sooner you will be well on your way towards your self healing & mending, and living a much better and more enjoyable life as a result. Please keep me posted on how things are going.



          • heather says:

            Hi Dan,
            Don’t give up on the world just yet. Life has a funny way about things and if you just start to question things differently ( instead of putting yourself down, you tell yourself to get up) then over time you will notice a change in yourself and in others around you. I am a very pretty girl (I can say that now) but I had have a good heart and something traumatic happened in my early childhood which made me retract from the world. Slowly I have transitioned into a more positive person and now I see things occurring. Don’t get me wrong even after 5 years of struggling to figure out who I was I still go through moments of stress and negativity and those horrible people still come into your life trying to put you back down where you came from. ( they are skilled at picking out our type) But that is where you let them win, which does nothing for you. You need to find the one thing that makes you smile (even if it comes from inside) then take that one thing and focus just on that and no one else. If someone comes into your life and wants to be apart of it. Let them, but keep in mind on your focus at all times. One day the focus will be so clear that no one can stop you from being happy. You are your worst critic, so stop and take a break so you can be your biggest support.

        • Darlene says:

          Dan, Amy F said what I was thinking when I read your post. It’s not an unreasonable response to what you posted, I don’t think. You probably didn’t know, but her posts tend to be very compassionate and thoughtful, so it isn’t likely to be as negative or judgemental as you made her meaning out to be.

          • Bob says:

            It may not be unreasonable, but it comes off condescending. Others have offered kind and compassionate responses to this guy except for you and Amy F.

            • DarleneH says:

              You’re right, Bob. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, neither should Amy have. I was responding to knowing that Amy usually posts so thoughtfully, that it seemed to me that she may not have meant it the way Dan interpreted it. His and Mikes responses to her were pretty over the top as well, so I felt (rightly or wrongly) like she needed a little support from someone. My bad… :)

        • Claire says:

          Hi Dan

          For what it’s worth, you’re not a worthless piece of shit. Anyone who can construct witty put-downs like you’ve (quite rightly) done, to Amy F’s comment, has to have a pretty formidable brain.

          Maybe you will find my comments twee or trite, or think I am “just saying” it to make you feel better. But you, my friend, are worth something.

          I truly sympathise with your situation. But I promise you that although it seems as though other people have got their lives all sorted, many of us haven’t (and even the ones who look as though they are sorted, usually aren’t). I’ve had some rough times and still do. But through sheer desperation I’ve eventually found some things that help me get through each day. All of the things that help me were initially suggested to me years ago, but I dismissed them as being silly hippy crap. I mean I STRONGLY rejected them and was mad that they’d even been suggested. But they now give my life meaning and make me feel worthwhile again.

          I don’t wanna say this, because it sounds unsympathetic, but MAN your writing style is compelling. Don’t shoot me down, but have you thought about starting your own blog, to document how you feel? I know I would read it and so would countless others. Sorry if that sounds patronising, but there is something about the way you write that is kinda painful yet sharp and even….dare I say this…. amusing. I’m sorry – obviously, I wish that you were having an easier time in life and I want to stress that I in NO WAY find your situation amusing. But your put-downs are very amusing (because they are so adept) and made me smile. I hope that doesn’t offend you….

          Anyway,Dan, I know you don’t need validation from the likes of me, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. And your writing rocks. xx

    • Liz says:

      Dear Dan, My heart goes out to you. What has helped me on my journey (especially when I didn’t have the means for therapy or a car). I found 12 step groups to be phenomenal support. You may find people who are going through similar feelings/issues as yourself. You will find support you never knew was possible. They are virtually free (usually a suggested donation). I would recommend an Al-Anon meeting. These are for people whose lives have been affected by someone who is an alcoholic (or addict of sorts). Even if no one in your life is an ‘alcoholic’, the principles they put forth and putting the focus on your own actions are helpful. Or try CODA (co-dependent). Another thing is walking. It’s free. It doesn’t require any fancy equipment. It takes one out of one’s head and into the world (even if you are in a city). Volunteering doing something you enjoy or helping others. If you don’t feel worthy, at least you might be able to use your resources/brain to help others (and then you will see just how worthy you are). I wish you the best and hope that you meet the friends who are waiting to meet you:) Peace & Blessings.

    • Aiah says:

      Dan, I don’t know if you’re still getting updates on this thread. I hope you notice that most of us who replied to you, after Amy, are empathetic. At least I can speak for myself. Our life circumstances are on the surface different, but we share a general outlook. I agree with the others who suggested ignoring Amy–and I wholly agree with the subtext you read in her snide-but-polite-seeming-enough comment. I hope you’re also ignoring Darlene. We both know there will always be people like that around–who instead of keeping their unhelpful, unsolicited advice to themselves, hoist it on you to feel better about themselves. The proof of this is that they won’t just go away when you let them know they’re not only not helping, but also making things worse.

      I really wanted to give you a hug. I wish I knew the answer, but I’m here, too, so I don’t. But some of us really do get it. And with us you have fraternity. We’re there with you. We’re not judging or dismissing you. I really appreciated reading your vulnerable and frank sentiments. If you ever want to vent, I’d find it a privilege to listen, or share–whichever you’d find more helpful.

      I’m wishing the best for you.

    • Bob says:

      I’m sorry things haven’t been going your way, Dan. But I think it’s amazing you made an effort to lose weight and you succeeded. That’s really hard to do. My advice to you is to try it again. Eat better and exercise. That, at least for me, is a great self-esteem booster. And you don’t even have to exercise that hard if you’re eating well. Diet is 90% of getting fit. If you’re eating well you can work out half as hard and still lose weight. Give it another shot. Good luck broski!

  12. YC says:


    Is Amanda still in this forum? Her story is an exact carbon copy of mine.

    • C.j says:

      I thought it was just an example of a situation that could happen. Or it could be an email sent in. So her response to it would probably help you out a bit. Since you know what the issue is, more or less.

  13. AJ says:

    since there are so many of why haven’t we found each other

    • Aiah says:

      I’ve read the history of this thread going all the way back to the beginning. There was an exchange years back over just that question. A woman replied that people like us don’t find each other because even when we do, we’re so picky, we usually want to be with the cool kids on the block, that we dismiss each other. She went on to advise that if we’re lonely, and she was including herself and she wasn’t talking down to others, we should seek out other lonely people who want attention, and can give it back in return. That really got me thinking. Even though I know I’ve reached out to people I thought would really like company, and have tried to offer my time and other resources, but they were just seeking someone far cooler than me. That’s the best answer I’ve found to date to your good question. Let me know if you’ve come upon any other probable answers.

  14. Dova says:

    I can’t I don’t know how long I can live like this. It’s not life. It eats up all the life in you

  15. Karen says:

    Oh my goodness. I have been struggling for months with these type of thoughts and today I googled ‘no one likes me what am i doing wrong’ because after years of struggling with the same routine of having someone become a friend and tell you all their woes and you trust them, they then drop you like a tonne of bricks and start gossiping about you in a group of others – you know it’s your problem not theirs. I am currently in a situation where people at my church are deliberately leaving me and my young daughter out of things, she never gets invited to any parties or meetups with the kids from school (school and church are very interlinked) and I am having problems with the girl I work with who is the bosses golden girl. She has been inviting the only other girl in the office to go out together and go over to her house with her family for bbq and things like that and Ive not been invited. If i didn’t have my daughter to worry about I would give up and that’s why I have made an appointment to see the doctor because I’m a long term depression sufferer and my feelings of hopelessness are beginning to scare me. I don’t know what to do anymore. My partner says its all my fault and is constantly blaming me of everything and putting me down so I feel I have no one to talk to about anything. I can’t even have a whinge about the weather because i feel I’ll be judged. I don’t know what to do anymore. Im exhausted. Thank you for this blog.

    • Lacey says:

      Karen you are not alone and I know how you feel and I do not let my boyfriend have the upper hand although he can be the same way as yours. It’s ok we know we are nice we know we are great people and that is what matters. Girl do not let anyone tell you having no friends is your fault. If your anything like me as I suspect you are your a very strong woman. Women whom are not strong willed can not put up with all that we or at ;east I know I have and still due to some degree. The past ex was a lot worse lol. However let your partner know you have a friend here and your not alone throughout your battlefields now lol.As for the church go’ers I have found it very intimidating some have their heads up to high while others are just plain hipocrites and to disregard you and your daughter as they have that is not a true friend so cast them out and your better off had a few of them in my life like that as well one of them being my beloved Sister in law she’ll go to church acting totally different than at home it really is disturbing knowing this and believe me I have let my brother know just how fake she is. [EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED BY MODERATOR]…Thanks Lacey

      You are probably new here. Welcome!
      This site isn’t intended to match visitors, either for romantic or platonic reasons. I’ve repeatedly asked people NOT to post any identifying information because it makes you a target for scammers. If you want to connect with someone in real life, you can do that through a special group page I’ve set up on Facebook. See:http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/something-new-check-out-friendship-blog-connection-facebook/
      Thanks for your cooperation! Best, Irene

  16. Tucker says:

    Sending love to you Kal.

  17. C.j says:

    I’ve started changing my life. Had a massive boost in confidence lately, started to become more outgoing, and not caring as much what other people think and yet I still have no one, and can’t make or keep friends in my life. Now what?

    • Ray says:

      Okay so you are a confident person. You walk confidently & feel that way great ! Alot of people are not confident yet they have buddies & friends and groups of people to interact with. WHY ? Why is it that other people who are not as confident as you have people in their lives ? It’s because of what they think. Inside of asking why can’t I keep a friend ? Why do I have no one ? Why do I can’t I make friends ? Start asking ” Why can I make friends ? Why do I have several amazing people in my life ? Why am I abundantly loved by my friends ? Why am I highly included & spoken about favorably ? Then act on those new thoughts & you’ll see it materialize in your life. If you only work on your confidence ( external ) you must work you internal ( thoughts ). Read the book ” Afformations ” by noah st john. The only difference between you and another person is the thoughts you have on a daily basis. It’s a proven fact. Your inside is what determines your outside. Go win now ! You can & you will. This applies to all aspects of life.

      • Louise says:

        I think this answer really is at the bottom of the situation. It all goes back to that constant internal dialogue and what it’s creating in our lives.

      • Dan says:

        But surely telling yourself everything is great even though it isn’t is just a lie, isn’t it? How can lying to yourself help? Wouldn’t you feel more empty and fake and pathetic, knowing that you’re lying even to yourself?

        I’m pretty sure that I would.

        • Darlene says:

          It’s not a lie, Dan, it’s choosing to look at things differently. Allowing yourself to process bad news, then deciding to move on and make the best of things. It really works, in my experience, anyway. I’ve been on both sides of that experience.

        • Bob says:

          If you tell yourself you’re awesome and girls would be stupid not to be with you enough times, you’ll start to believe it.

      • Shaila says:

        Hi,my name is Sheila and I have a problem with staring at people and I really want it to stop it’s annoying.Nobody seems to like me because of it.what do I do? I can’t seem to stop.Also I have no friends and mom and dad really badly wants me to have friends so I’m not alone a home so much.What do do?

    • Darlene says:

      It’s a great start, CJ, kudos! Having a friendly, confident demeanour is going to make a huge difference. Maybe the next step can be putting your mental energy into things in your life that are meaningful to you. You’ve mentioned working out?

      A watched pot never boils, as they say….just live your life in the best way you can and be open to the possibilities, try not to focus on Facebook, or things like that. This isn’t going to get better overnight, it may be a series of small positive changes that slowly, with time, build on themselves. And you have time. :)

      • C.j says:

        I take back what I said about confidence. I’m really not confident at all. I tested that theory out yesterday and today. I’m not confident. I’m afraid of a lot of things. I can’t seem to live a life that’s free from fear. It’s like everytime I step out the front door, there’s fear. Fear of people, fear of places, fear of things. I don’t know why. I’m still a child at this age. I’ve been a failure for a long time.

        • Darlene says:

          Do you feel like this all the time, or only sometimes? Finding confidence doesn’t happen all at once, it seems to happen a bit at a time.

          • C.j says:

            It happens all the time. Everyday basically. I think it happened because my parents were always trying to protect me as a kid, we hardly went out or did much. I didn’t have many friends growing up, or much of a social life, because I was bullied at school. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I hardly did anything when I was younger. Now I’m older and I’m just clueless and have a fear of everything. Some days it’s like I’m trying to figure out simple things that other people take for granted. Even basic things like grocery shopping. And I don’t like being like this. But it could take years of my life trying to change.

            • Darlene says:

              CJ, it could take years, yes. Or maybe not. But between here and there is gradual (and sometimes significant quick improvements). Sound depressing? It shouldn’t because it only gets better and better.

              I look back at all the hard work and false starts I went through for several years And still wouldn’t change a thing. Not one thing. Except of course, I know what I’m doing now, so it would be cool to go back knowing then what I know now!

              But, I had to learn, so it was a process I had to go through to get to where I am now. So, absolutely no regret! it was worth every single second of painful introspection and honesty and personal responsibility and discovery. Yes, I am a chirpy pain in the rear, but I figure if I keep nagging you (in a good way!) you’ll believe me eventually. :)

  18. a.k says:

    Hi glad I have found this blog I’m 31 married no kids n have no friends like I used to I do anything for anyone people wanna me and as soon as someone else come along they drop me like a hat.

  19. Bec says:

    Wow! I’m also 35 and an only child and feel like I totally relate to what Amanda is saying and feeling!!
    I wonder what it is!? Maybe, many things, but possibly being an only child shapes you in a certain way… I like to spend most of my time alone doing things that intrest me… im pretty laid back and usually just tag along… I find it difficult to come up with ideas for social activities and just really don’t always feel like socialzing… people’s BS annoys me sometimes too… I think awareness is a great start and possibly being social and ‘networking’ IS somewhat time consuming and takes a large amount of effort?! Its all about perception really!!

  20. C.j says:

    Darlene, I’m trying to be positive. But it just feels like I’m losing it today!! I’ve been out, doing things, trying to take my mind off loneliness. It’s a public holiday here today so I’m seeing people hanging out with their friends, their partners, their families, their children. I’m spending time by myself. Nothing to do. I went to the shop -it’s closed. I went to the gym but it’s closed today. I’m back at home now. I feel sad. I want someone to talk to or at least spend time with. I even wish someone would comment on my Facebook page, so at least it looks like I have people in my life.

    • beth says:

      I tend to be an instigator of meeting with certain friends and have given up lately. I seem to value my friend more than they value me in many cases.

      I wonder if they sense desperation or neediness from me.
      Also most of my friends are coupled up with children now and have no time for me. I feel insulted that we don’t even meet once every 3 months for a coffee!!!

      I have realised that joining groups there will always be a network for you. I have joined an art and conversation group, a cycling group and I also volunteer. I feel so much better about this and more confident.

      I still break out in a sweat when a bank holiday it coming up or new year or Christmas!

      I strive on. Good luck to everyone who has logged on to a site.


      • C.j says:

        Me too. I won’t even waste my time with people who can’t take 5 seconds out of their day to send a simple text back. Or can’t read or reply to a Facebook comment. Thing is, if those people don’t value me or my time, I just don’t value them. And won’t even bother with them. Plain and simple.

        I notice it with “popular” people that have so many friends, they just don’t give a f*ck about you. If you’re someone like me, with few close (if any) real friends or a social life – people don’t give a f*ck, don’t value you, and don’t take you seriously. And if I like someone, they don’t even look twice at dating me either and don’t want to be a part of my life. I don’t know if I have some kind of disease or something.

        I don’t know I’ve joined groups before and felt pretty left out in those groups. Like no one wanted to be associated with me. There’s always 2 or 3 loud dominant people and you can’t get a word in. And those are the people that everyone seems to gravitate towards. If you’re like me – the quiet person who sits back, no one seems to notice you or care. And even when you do say something, they talk over the top of you like you weren’t even there and don’t even matter.

        Why would you break out in a sweat during the holidays? Those are the times you should be enjoying yourself.

    • Samian45 says:

      hi Cj i can almost relate to your situations…….lets be friends who knows this might be the start of a new beggining……and im inviting you also Ms. Darlene and everyone here lets start a group…..waiting for you all….thanks….

      • C.j says:

        Thank you Samian, that’s a nice idea. But I don’t know if I’d even be welcome. Tried that before. Was in another group. Some people have more in common and are better at connecting than others. Some people just feel left out.

    • Joy says:

      I too spend a great deal of time alone. I have wondered why no one ever initiates going out to eat or going on other outings together. I do have one friend that asks me to do outside activities with, but she had six kids. She also has six sisters that she is close too.
      I also see others connecting easily. I am an only child too. My family died, and this is really a lifetime issue with me. It became like this when I was 13 years old before that I lived in city, and my social life was amazing. If I were guessing it is because of my somewhat rural geographical area, and my refusal to let the pack leader rule over my wants. I believe in fairness. For example: one person should not decide where they will shop for the day just because they deem themselves the leader. Generally, I am easy going, but I don’t like the big I’s and little U’s syndrome. I am just not so sure that having a friend is worth it if this is what it takes? But I also know when no one ever wants to become psychological connected with me, there is a problem. It gets very lonely.

  21. Kal Bhatnager says:

    I am 51 years old. If I begin to tell me story no one would believe it or people will shudder to thin of jinx my life has been. My father left my mother the moment she got pregnant with me. My mother wanted a son as she had a daughter already and got me a girl instead. I was raised by her but I was not a wanted child was written all over their attitude towards me. Her parents (my grand parents) were never much interested in me while they adored my sister. Unknowingly they were upset that I took away the chance of a male member in the family.
    I grew up to be pretty enough where at the age of 16 a wealthy family loved me for their older son and considering they only wanted me and not any dowry I was married off in a rush. ( I was born in India)
    I never liked my husband but tired to make it work as he did love me but his brutal nature and controlling behavior made me leave him after 3 sons were born and 24 years of marriage, I was in USA and was able to make a change I met and married a physician much older than me but I loved him who died in two years of marriage. Just a few years before him my sister died my mother died, my father died all in the matter of ten years. I was widowed and since my late husband did not leave me secure I was not wealthy and tried to survive with whatever little he left for me. I met a man and married him who actually left me within two years once he found out I had no money he thought I was a widow of a physician but I was not wealthy, he invited his ex wife back and started living with her in his telling me live my own life. My three sons who stayed my focus and most my money was invested on them, once my older son became a physician he married his GF who was also physician he broke away despite me paying for everything and told me he does not want me to show my face in his home. His in laws live with him. He has a lot a money so, my younger two boys also threw me out as they are happier with their brother who has lot more money and splurges on them than me who is struggling to eat and survive. I am loving person who is dying to love someone and care without smothering them, but I find people but they in my community don’t want they keep me out of their group. white friends in this area of Florida don’t want minority friends and friends in my community don’t like me in their existing group. I am alone in this world not a soul to call my own. I am happy that my kids have broken up because I feel if they did not something bad would have happened to them like it happened to my mother, father, sister and husband. I am destined to be alone. I don’t force anyone to be my friend because I feel god is protecting them from the doom my presence can bring in their life. I am alone I am 51 and I want no one to have something bad happen to them so I am doomed to be alone…..

    • C.j says:

      I’m 30 years old. But I have a very domineering and controlling father. He has to be in control of EVERYTHING. And what’s really pissing me off is the fact that I shouldn’t have to fight for control and freedom at this age, when I am seeing my friends and cousins etc living life, getting married, having a family etc. And I am feeling constantly depressed about the fact that I have no life.

      • Darlene says:

        I think she was looking for help, CJ, not to hear your story. Her situation is very different than yours.

        • C.j says:

          Wow. No kidding. Her situation is pretty tough to lose that many people you were close to in your life it’s understandable that you’d feel the way she does. I don’t know why things happen in life to good people like Kal. I have no answers and admittedly I can’t help. Neither can you.

    • Darlene says:

      Kal, I don’t have any answers for you, but I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I guess the only thing that comes to mind is to build a new life for yourself, on your own if need be. There may be resources in your area, for people in your circumstances. I wish you all the best!

    • C.j says:

      You shouldn’t blame yourself for any of this, Kal. None of it is your fault. Just a lot of unfortunate circumstances and bad luck. The people you’ve lost over the years may still be with you and watching over you from where they are now. Don’t give up hope, please. As Darlene said there may be resources or support groups available. You’ve been through so much.

    • Melissa says:

      My goodness, it does sound as though the minute you were brought into this life, it has been one tragedy after another…Some would speculate as what caused all of that, but my thoughts are, as bad as it does seem for you, there is always hope somewhere…Have you thought of going to counseling? I mean, maybe a completely unbiased person could help you find the focus on which will lead you down a better, more safe and happy path? There must be some kind help for you to find and have a more happy and stable future?
      I was hesitant to even respond to this, but was intrigued even more not to try.
      I guess I am not really sure what to say except you are safe here and can share what you want…Maybe within more conversation, people can find a key to help here…whatever the case may be, there is NO reason anyone should consider themselves a jinx..I think that word needs removed from the dictionary anyway. It allows people to think they are cursed and I honestly do not believe in that…The decisions we make are done so with what we learn from growing up and maturing, but also, guided by chance…I just hope that there is some resolve to your having all of this and constantly pushing people away..There ARE good people out there and I just think you may have had some very bad advice or guidance that allowed you to start on the roller coaster downward?
      I hope that I have not given bad advice here, but definitely, I would find someone who can talk with you who has knowledge of things as this and would be able to get you into a better place and direction…

    • Lacey says:

      Your not alone please do not think this way everyone needs a friend to lean on if you wana try to become friends lets chat, I had three friends for a long time all whom passed away sadly. So its been about 4 yrs no friend here only my sisters whom have their own lives and barely call even though I know they love me they just live in there own family circle I guess in their homes with their choice of friends. Thanks lacey

    • Ruth Davis says:

      just read your story, so sad but I have good news for you.You will never be alone if you invite God into your life. Only he knows your struggles and the pain you’ve endured. He really cares about you and I know if you ask him for help, in his perfect timing he’ll provide you with a friend. I remember a verse in the bible that says “Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will come in and visit him and he with me. Its that simple he will never leave you or abandon you that’s his solemn promise. Have you ever tried volunteering in your community it can be very rewarding. Maybe you could try going to a different church to meet new people make new friends. Put your trust in God it is much safer than people sometimes. I”ll pray for you and wish you all the best.

    • CountryBoy says:

      Phooff..That’s a lot of baggage to carry. A lot of things happened in your live but if is not your fault. If I was you don’t even think about that. I am so sorry your kids broke away from you which seems now to be the normal this day and age. From the four of my kids only one is in contact and cares. If you are a minority in your area I can say discrimination is in every culture and religion. There is good and evil in this world. Just focus on the good things to come. Leave your baggage behind you cannot change the things what happened to you. I’m sure you are a loving person and should not accept abuse in your life.
      You are young enough and I am sure someone positive will come in your life again.
      Please do me a favor and day to yourself: I’m a good woman and all the things what happened in my life is not my fault.
      This seems a good forum to meet new friends and talk about your thoughts. I am here on this forum to talk to you if you wish.

  22. XiiJ says:

    Oh my gosh I have that same problem and it is frustrating!!! In any friendship I’m in I have to be the one to contact them and if I don’t there would be zero contact! It is weird and I don’t get it because I’m a good friend. I’m guessing other people just have so many people in their lives and they prioritize other people and not other people (or newer friends). I’m thinking about giving up on people completely because they just leave anyway.

    • C.j says:

      I know exactly how you feel, and have been this way since most of my life. If I don’t talk to them, they don’t talk to me. Even when I DO talk to them, they don’t talk to me. If you check my Facebook – it’s nearly empty. One person comments on my posts… some of the time. Other people don’t have to do or say anything and everyone just talks to them. I’m often wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I don’t think I’m socially clueless. It’s just that I can’t seem to get anyone’s attention, or keep it for very long.

      • cooper says:

        I know you are going threw a hard time but what I notice with your response to some of the people here you seem self centred.
        I don’t have any friends and the people I used to hang out with took advantage of me so I got rid of them.
        People do not like self cantered people I know it is hard not to selfish when your feeling low and all the crap in life gets you down.

        maybe someone spread rumours about you. Stupid people do that sort of thing.
        The sheep will listen to them and believe them.
        I call them sheep as they don’t have the intelligent to do there own work and just blindly listen to rumours.

        also people hate negativity.
        Maybe someone sent a naked photo of you on the inter net.
        maybe the so called “cool” kids spread rumours about you.
        I know what you are going threw. everyone on this blog is going threw it.
        I don’t have any friends on fb or offline I used to change the status to someone I know but not well enough to be called a friend.

        I know me saying I know what its like isn’t going to help you but I thought id just let you know form my point of view.

        • C.j says:

          You know what people like even less? Being called self centered. Maybe it’s true I don’t know. But if I made a couple of self centered posts, I’m sorry. No one sent naked photos of me on the internet, what the hell? That’s kind of offensive, dude. And no, no one spread rumours about me. But they did in my school days, and some people where I used to work and they just believe it without even thinking twice about whether it’s true or not. But I had friends that stuck up for me too and I know I’m a decent, honest, kind and gentle person. So if they said things behind my back like I’m a “retard” or a “moron” or that I’m homosexual, whatever it’s their problem. I can also be very sweet and generous so it’s their loss really. And I would never think twice about stabbing someone in the back, or even in the front. Loyalty means a lot to me.

          In what way did the people you hang out with take advantage of you? My dad is a lot like that. He’s a people pleaser, and people ask him to do handywork and jobs and stuff. These things will cost him money out of his own pocket, but they never offer to pay him back for anything. And when they do, he doesn’t accept it. Some people are too giving to the point where they get taken advantage of. Sometimes it’s just about saying “no”.

          If anyone asks for money or to borrow things, you should never ever give it to them even if what they promise is to pay it back to you, unless you know you can trust the person and they can keep their word. I’ve had friends in the past who would only come to me if they needed something. But any other reason they were never around or always had an excuse why they couldn’t hang out. Those aren’t people you want in your life. They will just take and give nothing back. Also if they ask for favours all the time but they never do anything for you that’s also a red flag.

          • cooper says:

            I said you seemed to come across as selfish not that you are.
            the user Kal Bhatnager story your reply came across as self cantered.
            Re read your reply to her post and then get back to me.
            you where talking about your farther your life granted empathy is good but talking about your problems isn’t going to help others.

            people have crap going on in there life as well.
            seemed doesn’t define you but you come across as an ass hole in your reply to me.
            you said you had rumors spread about you yet you had friends that stood up for you yet in other post you claim not to have any friends.
            Work is just like high school you have the popular ones ( the one everyone hangs out after work)
            the golden child (teacher pet)
            the ocd child ( the clean one)

            The bully

            as I stated its a point of view dose doesn’t you its just an observation

            • C.j says:

              Yeah I admit that I have made a couple of selfish posts. And I apologize for that. I can’t go back and delete it now. I’m sorry those WERE selfish. I was selfish in my reply to Kal and I am sorry. I didn’t show a lot of empathy for her or her situation. And I will admit that I don’t know what that’s like to be in her situation. It sounds terrible. Maybe I am self centered sometimes.

              I know people have crap going on in their lives as well. I encourage them to share it here. Came across as an asshole to you? How? You weren’t exactly respectful to me either.

            • C.j says:

              And who takes naked photos of someone and shares them on the internet? Never happened to me bro, sorry.

    • Melissa says:

      Don’t give up on everyone…I have done that myself and it leads to a very lonely life and you get bitter and angry and that is something I am trying to change in myself now…It’s very hard feeling as though you are seen as expendable or just not a priority, but there are good people out there..It’s all about what you show..Even though you may think you are showing positive attitude, etc., if there’s anything else that may be a negative that you may not think is seen, others do pick up on it. I am NOT saying you are negative, but I have learned that, inside, what we think of ourselves DOES shine brightly out there and others do see it…As I said, i am now trying to help myself to be better out there…I do not want to be friendless or without someone special, but because of what “I” am doing or not doing, showing or not showing, it has wreaked havoc for me…

    • Maria says:

      Yeah I go through the same exact thing I just don’t get it. No matter how nice and available I am no one cares to create a friendship. :(

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