Why would someone have no friends?
There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.
QUESTION
Hi there,
I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.
A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?
I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?
Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.
The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?
I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?
Signed,
Amanda
ANSWER
Hi Amanda,
Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.
Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.
Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.
Insecurity - Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.
Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?
Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?
Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?
Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.
Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.
Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.
Communication Style - Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.
Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?
Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?
Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.
Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.
Hope this is helpful.
Warm regards,
Irene
Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:
- Can Angelina possibly be a lonely girl?
- Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?
- Making new friends and keeping them too
Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS
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Sites That Link to this Post
- Searching for Friendship 2012 : The Friendship Blog | December 30, 2012
I can relate to so many posts here. I am 48 years old. Female. I have no friends. It is not for lack of trying but it never works out. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. In pre-school, I remember being singled out by the class bully and teased and taunted and pushed and shoved every time the teacher wasn’t looking. I remember nothing else about being four, but I remember the bully because I was his favorite victim. Kindergarten and First Grade weren’t too bad. I didn’t have any close friends but people didn’t seem to hate me either. Then in Second Grade I got glasses and it all went down hill from there. Worse even than pre-schoo.l I was always the last kid picked for every team in gym. I always ended up playing alone on the playground, no matter how I tried to seek out a group of kids or join in a game. Junior and Senior High, same thing. I’d seek out people, try to go above and beyond to get them to like me, think maybe I’d earned some friends and then they’d be gone. I too remember being so self conscious going into the lunch room because I almost always ate alone and was embarrassed. When I did have “friends”, I was never included in get togethers. They’d tell me what they did after school or on weekends without it ever once occurring to them how much it hurt me because I’d been left out again and again. I tried confiding in my parents but my dad (who was very popular in high school) asked me what I was doing to make people hate me because people don’t hate you for no reason. I don’t know what it is about me and I’ve tried to see myself from an outer perspective. No matter how hard I try or how nice I am, I always end up the shunned one. Even in my own family I was always the outsider. I became quite shy from 6th grade on and my mother, father, sister and brother would make fun of me and my awkwardness. I got so that I felt really self conscious and had a hard time even going out in public and my family teased me about it relentlessly. As an adult, the “friends” I’ve had have always felt comfortable asking me for help – a ride to pick up their car at the service shop, watching their kids when they needed a baby sitter, etc., but if I ask for a favor of them, they don’t have time. I am never included in or invited along to outings with my adult friends either. And again, it never seems to occur to anyone how much it hurts when they tell me about their outings. It seems to be assumed that it’s acceptable that I am never included. A few times I tried “looking out for myself” and mentioned I’d enjoy coming along. That would usually get me the “oh yes, next time you should come” comment but the next time I’m again passed over. My situation with co-workers is similar. I try very hard to be super nice to everyone and people are nice back to me but I am never included for lunch outings, etc. I’ve tried so hard to try and see myself from the outside and see what others see but I haven’t been able to figure it out. I think it must be a combination of appearance and something wrong with my personality. I’m tall for a woman (5 foot 9) and very small boned and thin. My face isn’t ugly but also isn’t pretty, I’ve got a broken nose which you can only tell from the side but I’m sure that adds to whatever it is about my features that people don’t like. (Incidentally, the broken nose is from grade school – I was the favorite target in battle ball. Atleast I was “popular” when we played that game ha ha). I have come to accept that for some of us, it is just our place. In the same way chickens have a pecking order, we do too and it is very hard to get out of that bottom spot. For the most part, I’ve long ago become accustomed to my “place” in the pecking order and no long look for or expect a real connection. The only time it hurts me is I, too, have a daughter and I also have experienced situations while my daughter was growing up where other mothers treated me as beneath them and it hurts to have your child witness this. You want to be someone your child can be proud of but I have always worried that if her friends or their parents met me, they may no longer like her. But I want to say to all of you out there that feel alone and have no friends, you can still be happy. I find that once I accepted that I am always going to be my only company, I do find joy in little things like going to the mall, taking myself out for a coffee, etc. I’ve gotten over being embarrassed at always having to be alone (I guess that came with age) and I’ve found that once I let go of that, I’m a lot happier. Also, to those that commented about their pets, I too find that my dog and cat have been the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. Hang in there everyone!! I wish you all well.
There are a great many posts I can relate to on this site! I am 40 and finally realizing that my low esteem is what holds me back. No one is “better” even though we tell ourselves that. Every day I say out loud “Yes, I am worthy. Yes, I have value. Yes, I matter”. No one is going to believe it if I don’t believe in me first. I don’t have many friends and I think one reason is I tend to be blunt for example. I don’t realize it but sometimes I just come out and say the wrong thing. I have one or two close friends from college who know this about me and accept it but live in other states so I don’t see them. I try to be polite and friendly but as I get older, it just seems like people can’t be bothered making new friends. I also admit that I am afraid that once someone will get to know me they won’t like me. I have been burned by other women friends and don’t want to go through that again. But finding friends is a lot like dating, you have date a lot before you find people that are the “right fit”.
I can relate and I find myself reading more to see how I project to others. I know not having that embracement as a child is one reason and the other is from the fragements of the sin of Adam and Eve. Everyone in this world has some form of deficiency. Although I have gotten a lot better,….I do understand the importance of having friends and having solitude as well. I can have moments when I get in a conversation I freeze up and stay the silliest thing. Boy was that dumb I said only because I saw their expression, other times I thought I was good a long time until someone pulled my coat tail and said you don’t get it do you. When I finally realized it, I start going into a shield, but today and for a long time, I’ve been fighting back and affirming myself that I do matter. No one has finger prints like me and although my soul is being repaired from wounds,….I still look forward to meeting people because I know that my assertiveness is very important. It feels good to say NO respectfully and tell that person whom has a problem that they just wanna drop on me because they see that others might not stick as close to me, what are you doing to do with your problem. See half the time when others stop slandering your name it would not be as hard. When people are hurting that hurt others. I am so encourage by everyones writing here because it lets us all know WE DO MATTER and I pray that no one here gives up.. YOU DO MATTER,….Build one friendship at a time.
I haven’t had a friending 17 years and now my third husband is divorcing me because “he can’t take it anymore” and no one cares that I am really hurting. I don’t expect anything from this post. I just wanted to say it to someone or something. I am really really sad.
Doesntmatter,………sometimes when the unresolved hurts and fears from our soul are not dealt with because of lack of knowledge, perhaps fear,…..it causes all sorts of withdraws. Maybe its something you did that you need to address. Withdrawing is never good but I’m hear to encourage you,…..take out time to write down all the issues that concerns you no matter what they are and forgive yourself and them. If you can speak to them bring someone with you to help with giving you strength. it’s our own withdraws that sends signals to people that causes them to react to us wrongly or right no matter how attractive, talented, knowledgeable we are. If we do not address those issues in our soul,…..life will be dark BUT there is hope in the LIGHT when you are tired of the situations and desire CHANGE.
Some of us just seem to be destined to a life of loneliness, and I think it stems from childhood
I find that I usually make more enemies with people than I do friends, and I find the harder I try to make a good social connection with people, the more they seem to distance themselves from me. I really do give up trying now, I get it. I just hope reincarnation is real, as I want a better chance next time around! I have tried my hardest in this life, I am social and open to the beliefs of others, I respect people and try not to let my own life circumstances turn me into a bitter person, or a hateful one. But all I can say is this: A life with little or no friends is like being in a prison for a crime that you did not commit, it hurts like hell 
I’m 25, female, just turned 25 last november. I get so nervous around people and I feel like I cannot relate to people my age. They’re married and have kids and I don’t even have a boyfriend. I feel so lonely and I don’t know how to connect to people. I am worried about them thinking that I am weird too because I have no friends. I don’t even have acquaintances that I can do anything with. Or anyone at all. I spend a lot of time online. But not having in the flesh friends is really starting to make me depressed. I’ve been in therapy before about the nervousness and being shy but it didn’t really help and I don’t know what to do. I am afraid I’ll be seen as weird if I make friends with people older than me. I don’t care the age of the person I’d just like to have a genuine friend. I am worried what my peers would think about me having an older friend though. I always worry what people are thinking of me. I just wish I didn’t feel so down all of the time and like an outcast.
Hi Melissa,
It’s been a while since you have posted, and I’m surprised no one has replied. Hopefully you will have learned from this blog that you’re not alone in your situation or how you feel. How is your life online? Do you have any online buddies? I’m guessing you feel fairly confident communicating online. Perhaps you can find a way of transferring that confidence offline too. There’s some good advice on this blog. For yourself, it might be an idea to join an interest group — then you have a common subject you can talk about and focus on.
It’s difficult not to worry about how people think about you when you are used to doing this for such a long time. Take slow steps, but really just concentrate on your own personal goals, be enthusiastic about what you like and be yourself.
Hope this helps, and you’re not alone (okay, that sounds creepy!).
Hi Melissa,
I can relate to your situation. I am approaching 30 and have few friends. This is not for the lack of trying.
I have had several new starts in my 20. New area, new job, new people and I genuinely believe that it is the people with the good hearts that end up alone. However, being ‘popular’ is not an easy life. It is a battleground in itself. These people are socially aggressive, judgmental and vindictive. That way they ensure that they are at the center of decisions that are made and therefore not alone. Other people just follow along. I cannot do this, i always end up standing up for someone or doing something wrong and therefore get pushed out.
I find that the hardest part when you are in this situation is to remain positive over long periods of time. This is why i have ended up having so many new starts. But this is not a bad thing. Every time i have a new start i shake up the way that i run my life. I can reinvent myself and form new habits quickly that benefit me. The world is a big place and there are many different ways to live a life. There are also lots of different social groups that can be explored. It only has to work out once. Who knows, you might have lots in common with the Dutch, or the Germans.
It hasn’t completely worked for me yet but i am determined to find something positive. Also, i would highly recommend taking as many chances as possible in finding a partner, no matter what anyone thinks of your attempts. They aren’t friends anyway so who cares. Buy presents for people you fancy, go online, ask out someone on the train. Half the time i take risks i end up having at least a date or two and don’t feel silly when i works out, even if it is for only a couple of months.
If this lifts your spirits in anyway then this was a day well spent
Hi Melissa,
I was very shy and introverted and even at 30 years old I don’t have any friends but I do have a wonderful husband and a son. My husband has never thought me weird cause he loves me unconditionally. Friends will come and go or not come at all it’s really not a big deal. But it would be good for you to date men I was so shy I met my husband on yahoo and he even lived 250 miles away and we travelled every weekend to see each other until I moved in with him. Just go on yahoo or something and introduce yourself and start talking to men it will do no harm and always meet in a public place and give your parents his license plate number thats what I did with my husband on our first date and he wasn’t insulted and he just laughed, a real criminal wouldn’t want their license plate read probably. And for goodness sake believe in yourself there is somebody out there for everybody just have faith in yourself and know you were beautifully made from the creator and your the one and only you. You can do it!!! Just believe.
Hi, I’m 34 and I have no human friends. I did have a pet cat, but she died in 2010. My life feels empty without her. I will get a new pet cat at some point, though no one could ever replace her. I have interacted with plenty of people and animals over the years, and in my experience, cats and dogs put people to shame in terms of loyalty, friendship, patience, forgiveness, and love. My cat never judged me. She was ALWAYS pleased to see me. If I called to her from the end of the garden, she would always literally come running up to me, calling happily to me, even if she wasn’t hungry (so this wasn’t about food). How many people show such joy every time they see you, day after day? If I teased her, she showed patience. If I teased her a bit too much, she always forgave me quickly. (It’s hard not to tease one’s cat, since they are very playful little creatures.) She loved me completely, and I loved her completely. I just don’t think it’s possible for people to find such love and devotion from other people as they can find with a cat or a dog. As I said above, they put us to shame in terms of loyalty, love, and friendship – qualities that are supposed to be “human”. I say, no, it’s the other way round. These are animal qualities, and most people don’t have a clue about them.
I feel alleviated when you said “most people don’t have a clue about them”. For a moment I thought you were suggesting that humans are no capable of true friendship. Highly frugal and prosperous societies in the developed world also rank among the highest rates of suicide and lack of true friendship (also true love since most marriages fail). I was born and raised in another country, not necessarily poor, but spartan, where family values were the most important thing. Materialism is killing mankind. People is certainly full of true love, but fear and highly competitive social structures prevent them from doing so. Look at the statistics on mental illness in the developed world. Go to other societies and you will make friends forever. It is no wonder why you find pets your companions. Loneliness, even when married or among others, is the plague of our society. The level of communication among us is pitiful. Keep loving your luxuries, running for a million bucks, growing in a perfectly secular order which will prevent any structure of values to guide us.
Hey Melissa, First of all, people are never thinking of any of us nearly as much as we tend to think, either positively or otherwise, and secondly, it’s actually quite lovely (and even recommended by Oprah) that younger women have much to gain from friendships with older women…don’t let age get in the way of connecting with anyone! Hope you are having a good day…
I don’t understand it, in fact it just infuriates me. Love, friendship it seems to be a natural thing. It’s a natural instinct. So why do some of us not have this?? I’m 37 years old. I spent my childhood with no friends. I did luckily have three brothers, when we younger we were so close, but gradually the older we got we grew distant. One brother is a drug addict, the other decided to have nothing to do with the family, the third is a executive who looks down upon the rest of us. I loved being around people, loved family parties, but found people did not love me. I tried and tried at school to make friends, but as the years passed I found myself actually having to hide under tables during breaks because the humiliation of being alone was well embarrassing. I did try and talk to people, asked them what they were doing after school etc, people even went as far as standing right in front of me back turned. I think this is where my eating disorder started. Because I had no one to eat with, walking into that school canteen was humiliating, so like I said I would hide or bunk off school. From school I went on the college, thinking of it as a new start. Again the same thing happened, so again I started bunking off, I was kicked off the course. I got a job then in a office and made a friend who was a few years older than me. We would go out, then I started drinking. Because I was going out so much men started noticing me, but I had begun to drink heavily, people liked me when I was drunk. So I drank and drank. My original friend deserted me. I was very upset so drank more. I started sleeping with men, not even remembering their names as was that drunk, but only wanting that closeness. Some longer termed ones were abusive, I did not care (well I did) but again wanted to be close to someone. Again I tried and tried to make friends, but people avoided me like I had some sort of disease. This went on for years. It eventually ended up with a pregnancy. I was actually overjoyed, nervous but overjoyed. I would have someone, I would be with another human being, human contact. When she was born 13 years ago, I can still remember looking into her eyes, thanking God for giving me someone. Every single piece of energy went into her, but then ‘me’ reared its ugly head again. I didnt want her to be like me, so I started straight away to get her socialised, I thought I could maybe make a friend. I think I attended just about every baby group, toddler group going, I did actually manage to engage conversation with other mums. But whenever I tried to suggest meeting up outside of toddlers they were not interested. They were though nice to me at such places. After time I heard them laughing about how thy went out etc, all the fun, I felt upset, ‘why was I not invited’, they became bonded and the more they bonded the more I felt isolated. I then went to university, it was like being back at school, except this time I did not quit. I put everything into my degree and focussed on that and my daughter. My plan was to have such a great career that I would be that focussed that i would not even think of being lonely. Things changed when my daughter started school my unpopularity was greatly having an effect on my daughter. I being judged on being a single mum. I was shunned by so many mothers. They all huddled around in groups etc, I hated school runs. I tried to invite children over, but no one was ever allowed. My daughter has maybe been on three after school meals at peoples houses. She was actually a very popular girl, it was the mothers who because of me being shunned, did not invite her round. My daughter as she got older noticed this, she would sit at the window watching people play. It breaks my heart. I used to take her on day trips in the holidays, parks, everywhere. But as she got older she would just sit and watch the other children play, I felt her pain so much, it was like me all over again and there was nothing I could do – i had tried everything. I finished my degree, went on to do a masters, got a fantastic job, I even started socialising a little with my colleagues. But then the meetings became overwhelming, I started being shunned again by my clients, it was awful. My job was temp, so when it became permanent I had to be interviewed. I did not get it – I did not get my own job? I tried for 4years, application after application, each time downgrading the job. During this time I isolated myself even more from the world. I could not even leave the house. I had a taxi pick my daughter up from school and drop her off. I was ok when she was around, but if she wasn’t I could not leave the house. Eventually I was offered a job as a cleaner. I took it grabbed it, I did not care what it was I just wanted to me working. For the last year it had been fantastic, I was interacting with human beings during the day time. Home life was getting worse. My daughter now just sits by the window still watching out the window. She has no friends. She used to be ok with just me and her, but now its like she has just given up. I will say lets make cakes, lets go out, lets go camping, anything. She just looks at me and says she cant be bothered. She has given up ringing her classmates to come over, they were never allowed. Every night I cry and cry, last year my alcoholic ways have came back, I drink a bottle of wine every night. I am so lonely. I had never had a real boyfriend only drunken short term flings. I hate this ‘disease’ whatever it is, which affects some of us. I am so angry at it, it was bad enough me having it, but when you see your child, this person in whom you adore so much go through the same thing and there is nothing, nothing at all you can do about it – its just cruel. I hate it so much.
Katie .I know how you feel .Your life sounds very simular to mine minus the child .. I am a man so Obviously I cant be a mother . No one has ever liked me long enough to want to procreate with me, even thought I was always told how good looking I was. Its too late for me now but honey you are still young and you have someone who no matter what they say to you they do love you and dont judge you .The first and foremost thing you have to do is get a grip on the drinking and any substace abuse.Without that you have a massive ball and chain attached to you. You and your daughter need to try to do things together. this is 2013 now and who cares if your a single mom dont let someone elses baggage hold you down.. there are millions of single moms out there this day and age.I know the financial aspect is probbably a big reason for your feeling this way. I dont know you from adam and I dont have the answers to magicaly make your life better ,I wish I did .I am in the same boat as you sitting here wonder where my life went and why I am sitting here looking for answers to why I have no friends or family when I read your letter and it struck a cord with me . you sound so much like a girl I new once . she went to rehab for drugs (got clean 9ys now) then relised she was an alcoholic and joind AA 2yr later and is still clean as far as I know . her life steadly got better . anyway I just want you to know that you are not alone there are lots of lonely friendless people out there, cant speak for them all but I know it doesnt meen theres something wrong with you I feel pretty normal I just dont have any friends atleast none that stick. I could live my life without a phone but then who would the telemarketers call then right. Its tough to be the kinda person who can be in a crowded room and still be alone . Just keep your chin up and maybe try joining some kind of group activity ( i hate to say this because I dont believe in it ) but what about a church group or community thing for kids to keep your daughter busy . The ywca the libray etc .. anyway dont give up . anyway I have to get back to my sad sack of a life ..hope you find a way . take care . you sound like a real go getter and a super person maybe your too hard on yourself. it takes a lot to go back to school get a masters and raise a child at the same time . I dont know you sound like a real catch. I hope things get better for you and soon.
katie your story really made me cry….its really hard to imagine how much you have been through and likewise your daughter…life somewhat seems unfair to us. im in university and my friends are dwindling. random ppl keep asking me, for such a pretty girl as u are, why are u always by yourself? it hurts, lonliness is dreadful at times.
Hi Katie,
The sweetest people and most kindhearted hate themselves. I realized this when my dad became depressed and attempted suicide. You have to love yourself before other people can love you. Why do you hate yourself? Don’t you realize you are beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of the creator? No matter how difficult you have to pull yourself together even if you don’t love yourself love your child. Drinking alcohol is not loving your child and how can you take care of the beautiful child God has given you if your drunk? My parents both had alcoholic fathers and it’s a horrible legacy to give your child and future generations, it just breeds more hate more unlove and more guilt which leads to what this country has today utter lack of faith for God. And we wonder why this country is failing it’s beacause we lack fait in the one who created us. Love God, Love Yourself, Love your child, you will be fine but stop with the pity party, pity does nothing but lead to further pity.
Hi I just read your post, I will b your friend. I have friends but I still feel lonely .
As a guy in his 40s, married but without kids, I’ve become increasingly aware that my friendship pool has dwindled significantly.
I, like others here, used to have a wide circle of friends. In my mid-late 30s, most of my friends became parents and/or relocated for work and our friendships drifted apart. To add to it, I then relocated for work as well, bouncing between a couple of cities before landing in my current location. I also try to connect with people from work, but most are younger than me (20s-30s) and don’t relate to me as a peer due to my age. Even employees who are roughly my age rarely interact with me. There’s the cordial “hello” and “how are you?” but rarely I hear anything of more social note. I rarely get asked to lunch and when I take the initiative and invite others, it feels rather forced and is never reciprocated.
I’m not sure what causes all of this, but it gets me rather depressed. I often try to consider if its something I’m doing or not, or something I’m saying or not. I consider myself as someone who is extremely easy-going and easy to get along with, so I’m pretty perplexed about it as a whole. Worse yet, it really feels like this will only worsen over time – which leads me to question “What’s left for my life? Is there anything to look forward to?” Its not a suicidal thought, but makes me feel pretty hopeless in general.
Dear kind eyes yet lonely,
There is alot to look forward to! The very air we breathe is a miracle. What would you like to do in life to help others? No one may every like you but it doesn’t matter as long as you like yourself. What about volunteering at a hospital with babies? Babies love everyone and are pure and innocent. What about volunteering at an animal shelter. Some people are horrible to poor dogs and such you could help them and maybe even meet caring friends who take care of the animals. Go where there is caring people volunteer and you will probably meet the friends you are looking for. If not you will be a friend to the baby or animal in need. Stay positive your here for a beautiful purpose and now it’s time to live it.
KindEyesYetLonely, and others above:
I have had similar experiences as mentioned above – no lasting friendships, and when I do have friendships, I find that if I stop being the one to initiate meeting up, then I don’t even hear from these so-called “friends”. My experiences have led to me having this perspective in life: people are basically arseholes. All the people in this blog who talk about wanting to have a lasting friendship are the exceptions, the good people, and exactly the kind of people I would want to be friends with.
I am losing my mind lonely! I don’t know how I became a 40 year old with no friends. People who I have asked what is wrong with me always say “I don’t believe you have no friends, you are a great person”. This isn’t something I would lie about. I have zero friends. My best friend stopped talking to me about 5 years ago out of nowhere and would never tell me why. I try to keep busy with things around my house, and not think about this issue, but there are times like now- where I feel alone and sad. I thought it was silly to google “I have no friends” but here we all are. As I write this, the reality of it all stings with each keystroke. I truly do have no friends. Days can go by and I don’t even hear my own voice let alone someone else speaking. If I were to die, no one would notice my absence. My dogs are my best friends, my only friends. New Years came and went. The ball fell, along with my tears. Another year went by with no friends, no invites to parties, no one to share ups and downs with. The fun, compassionate, wonderful person I am is dying inside.
Can you tell us a little bit more about how you spend your days/weekends?
You remind me of my mom. I love you.Im a 24 year old male with no male friends. I dont mind. I just love women, and dont trust men. I think dogs are wonderful. I wish i could go buy a puppy right now. Have you considered a dog park? Dog lovers always have something in common. If not that, you could put a babysitting add in the newspaper. Thats what my mom did. Now, parents are always coming to her house. Haha. Theres something about people trusting you with their kids too. I think it really gives her some self importance though. Just some ideas. I hope you get to feeling better.
Hi lonely to looney
I know exactly how you feel! Although I thankfully do have 2 adult kids… We sound similar, I have my reasons and circumstances as I’m sure you do. Would love to chat to you about it all privately if you would like that too? I have often thought that the only thing people like us need are to find others in the same boat to be friends with. We understand each other better I think. If you would like to write to me, let me know here and I will leave an email address to use. I hope this is acceptable to the friendship blog? If not, could you perhaps facilitate the exchange of addresses privately? Thanks
I definitely can relate to what you are going thru!!!
Gosh! This sounds exactly like me!!! The only difference is that I don’t have the joy of having dogs! So it’s just me and my imaginary friends!!!
I’m starting to find this stage in life utterly depressing. I think maybe I don’t have the skills since, like the writer, I’ve spent most of my life friendless although that was more because of the situation than than anything else. I would love to learn the ‘intermediate’ skills if only there were someone or something out there to guide me.
Lonely, I sympathize with the pain and emptiness of your loneliness. I hope things turn around.
You are the first post that i came upon that i really started to cry.You write exactly what i feel day after day. To me it was a cry of relief that i found others like me but a part of me cried in pain. Sometime i don’t understand what i have done to deserve this life of loneliness. I always had dreams…so what really happened. Where did i go wrong in life?? Why do people not like to hang out with me without me making all the effort?? What are my personality flaws that others see yet i cant. I have tried therapy/ counselling, but my therapist found nothing wrong with my personality.So now what do i do.I am 32 and dont know how long i will be able to take this.
I relate big time. I occupy many of the personality traits Irene listed. In my past life, I had friends through my job, old friends from my teens and twenties, including my BFF. I left my job (my choice), married and had a family. Currently I long for female friendships. My old friends, including BFF, are gone. Nothing I can pinpoint as to why the friendships faded…I am on the introverted side, private, and have a rather serious personality. Being an introvert, I am internal. Perhaps others see me as too serious, a perfectionist, even cold? Do I see myself that way and project onto others? I am alone in my neighborhood and don’t want to rely on the moms at school for friendships. There are a few that are nice; but I want to make MY OWN friends. Not rely on my kids for my social circle. My husband says I have way too much time to “think and wallow” being out of work. He said most people are so busy they don’t have time for self pity. I have been lonely and long to go back to work. I miss it. I am not much of a “book club” type of woman. It’s just nice to know I am not alone. I even “detoxed” from FB because I feel awful after being on there…more lonely than ever. With the New Year coming, I need to turn over a new leaf. There, I proclaimed it. Perhaps get a job I enjoy, volunteer, reach out in some way. Thank you for listening!
Hi everyone
I wish I had a friend. I’m 30 now and pretty much all my life I’ve been alone. My only friend is my partner and few people from work, but only at work. I have a history of ex best friends betray me, so it is very difficult to be too close to someone and tell them all about me. I’m used to having fun on my own and keep myself entertained most of the time, but there are days when I wish I had a friend to go out with for a coffee or something like that. Me and my sister used to be like best friends, but ever since I’ve moved countries, we hardly even speak now. I get lonely. Another thing is, that I am very complex person and many things interest me, which most girls I know don’t care about. I love quantum physics, nature vs nurture type things, universe, philosophy and old old things. I am also very creative and wish to be a photographer or a musician, well I do those on a side. You see, most girls I know and meet, don’t like all that stuff, so talking can be very awkward. Most girls my age now have kids and are into all that woman stuff, I’m still not interested in that and am still a bit of tomboy. I am also funny, but some people might find it not funny, since it can be politically incorrect. I know I sound terrible, but I am a nice person and care about people a lot and always do nice things for others, but nobody ever returns the favour. Yes I have been dissapointed with the humanity and how selfish most people are. I cry when I see that there are still good people around. Rare but it happens sometimes. I just feel that I cannot be myself around most people as they will think I’m a nerd or might offend them unintentionally by my weird sense of humour. Most girls I know must think that I think that I am better than them, since I believe that there is more to life than just being a mother. I get sick and tired of being pushed to have babies. I am not ready, why can’t people understand that. It is my decision. So yeah, what options do I have? I want to have a friend, but how do I find one like myself? So I can be me and not being judged
I’ve just read your post and I think very similar to you. I try not to say it but I often think out loud….surely there has got to be more to life than having kids. I’m 27 and have moved to a smallish town in the southwest whereby if you’ve not got kids by this age, it’s considered a bit odd! Although I”m pretty feminine in the way I dress I’m still a tomboy at heart. I like to be doing things either an activity or sport with people/ friends but do like to go out for coffee too. I like interesting conversation and sometimes struggle with conversations (that I consider) are mundane e.g. Shopping, washing, kids, don’t get me wrong I don’t judge with it just my concentration waines. I feel if I met you I would like you and the only judgement I would have for you would be positive in that you are probably a breath of fresh air and a bloody interesting as a person! I have had two recent-ish betrayals in my life one was with my mother another with a person, former good friend at work. I’m normally v.strong and stubborn but unfortunately the girl/woman at work has managed to really knock my confidence as there’s been a lot of bitching and a couple of other members of staff now ignore me as much as possible. It’s nothing I can’t cope with but it has and does get me down.
I’m lucky in that I do have good friends, but unlucky that having moved I’m so far away that I see them once a year maybe twice if I’m lucky. I’ve really struggled making new friends in Devon which has been quiet frustrating and upsetting but I’ve not given up just yet. Although I now end up analysing far too much of what I said, how I’ve acted etc. I wish you where in my area
.
It’s hard and it’s something I feel I’ve lost or struggle with but you should be yourself….I think for me I give off some sort of vibe that I’m not really being myself which I think is off putting. It’s kinda a defence thing as I don’t want anymore issues or nastyness coming my way. But I think if u can be you that people tune into the fact that your comfortable in yourself and that you like you, that they’ll like you too (should take my own advice).
All the best Emma
no no no..
Maybe from my writing, you thought I’m an arrogant girl. But actually I’m not. Really.
Actually, my problem now, is because I don’t have a close friend. So when the teacher gave an assignment in group, I was really confused. Because It was already fit. I’ve told this to my counseling teacher. she gave me a nice respond, but,, AAAAAHHHH!!!!! Sometimes i feel like, “I hate my self” but my mom told me that that words was really bad. She said Allah made me perfect. But it’s hard to do that. I’ve realized that I’m a sensitive person. Or maybe too sensitive. I can’t make it gone. This feeling always sticks in my heart.
Do you know how to change me to be a strong person, not weak like this? I really hate this feeling
Hey anonymous! I think that what you are feeling is normal, especially because you are only 15. Here’s some advice though:
1. It’s good to be motivated, but try not to be stubborn about being “the best.” Shoot for the top, that’s fine, but if you come second or fifth or whatever, all is not lost. Besides, you might very well be the best, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the world will see you that way. I guess life, or rather society, is not fair. So what? Be YOUR best, do your best, and believe in yourself. Different people will all judge you differently; the only constant is the way you judge yourself. So try to impress yourself first.
2. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be aware of society, or in your case, your high school scene, either. You should be aware of it, and it’s okay to care about it. The healthy way to do that is to try to think about what you contribute to it (your school, the people in your school, your classes, teachers, etc…) Contributions can come in the form of joining the school play to dressing nice and taking care of your hygiene so that others can enjoy your company, starting/joining a club, saying smart things in class and thus adding to class discussions.
3. It’s tuff making friends in high school. Try to find people who are into the same things you are, whether that is studying or partying. Don’t expect friendships to last in high school, enjoy them if/while they do though. And be open to having a lot of different friendships; the more you have, the higher the chance that you’ll find a close group of friends or that one best friend.
4. If you find yourself with spare time, start a project: this could be like starting a charity, to a research project, or painting.
5. If, after doing all the above, you still feel the need to be “the best,” although I’m entirely not sure what you mean by that, then try running for school government or join some competitive group like a sports team, debate team, or mathletes.
Best of luck!
You can’t always be number one, and you will be much happier once you can accept that.
TIRED OF TRYING!!
Pleease help me!!
I don’t wanna be worry about this. I wanna be the number one in my school like when I was in a highschool.. Honestly, I can’t be just an ordinary person. I wanna be the number one in my school
What should I do?
Hi there!
I’m 15,, well, maybe my problem is different. I’m indonesian. I’m a new student in a hi-school. Yeah, I can say, that my hi-school now is the favourite school in my city. And mostly, the students there came from a favourite school too.. And I’m not one of them. I wasn’t from the favourite one. So when I entered the class, I felt so lonely. Until now. Because before go to the hi-school, they already know each other. I just keep on NOT doin anyting since i arrive at school and go home. They’re all just like a big family! And me, I’M NOTHING. And in my class, every student has their own partner, but in my class, the students are odd, so I’m the one who don’t have a partner. Sometimes, I feel like, “Hey People! Don’t you know that I’m better than you in every single thing?” And I tried to be better than them, to show them that I’m not just an ugly duckling. But it’s hard. They’re all great. I can’t exceed them. And I feel like I’m a rubbish. When they have a party or something, I wasn’t invited by them. I’ve tried to talk, to invite them, socialyzing and many else.But it’s USELESS. I wanna move from here. But I love my mom so much. She wanted me to be here, she wanted me to be the best. But i never give her anything. So I’m trying to be strong. But I’M TIRED OF TIRING!!
hi, i’m from indonesia too..
where is your high school?
is it in america?
I can definitely relate to every posting on this site. I had plenty of friends in elementary school but separated from them when I went to high school. I went to a different high school than my elementary school friends since there was one catholic school in my city where I was raised. I was the only Non Catholic Asian kid in my elementary school and no one seemed to mind. They though I was cool and unique.
My troubles began during my teenage years in high school. My parents did not make alot of money, and they kept pressuring to go to university and become a doctor. I was studying alot and I only made a few friends. I also held a p/t job to save for school, and participated in extra circular Unfortunately during my last year of high school my marks weren’t high enough to get into the schools I wanted. I was depressed since my other friends got into their dream schools, and I was going to be separated from them. I try to keep in touch before we went on our separate ways but it didn’t happen.
In 2004 I studied Health Science and hoped to make new friends. Unfortunately I wasn’t enjoying what I was studying and my marks slipped. I made some friends when I lived in res and didn’t keep in touch with them after I went to college to study IT. I was embarrassed to tell them I got kicked out of university.
During my college years I felt happy what I was learning and made a few good friends. I held paid co-op position where I was making money, and felt good about myself. After my college years I met my 1st girlfriend. Even though she wasn’t Asian I felt that both of us were very close and clicked well. During that time I was very thankful to have met a wonderful girl who cared about me, and we both tried to work our problems out together to become better people. The only thing that I was not satisfy was my job. My ex also though she could do better in her career also. Both of us decided to go back to school to get better careers. Unfortunately we were not going to be going to the same school.
I went back to University in 2008 in a big city. I quickly found out it was really hard for me to make friends and people in a big city. The only friend I had during that time was my ex girlfriend. Her and I would take turns seeing each other despite we were four hours apart. I also started making new friends slowly and became more confident in myself.
Unfortunately things started to go downhill. In 2009 my parents were arguing I shouldn’t be seeing my ex anymore due to cultural differences. My grades started to slipped and eventually we broke up in 2010. I tried to ease the pain by participating in extra circular activities, started going to the gym, and tried to make new friends. I eventually got my degree in Oct 2010, and ended getting a temp job for an IT Coordinator in the public sector.
As of now I feel that I have few close friends but many acquittances. My colleagues tell me that I am upbeat, hard working, in good shape, and smart. Ever since I broke up with my ex 2 years ago, I recently dated one girl who I though will be my new gf. We went on a couple of dates, and I bought her a cake and card for her birthday. Things started to go well until she started to treat me bad. I noticed that she would treat me good at times and others she would say nasty things to me. I remember one time that I made supper for her, and she said that I would frown sometimes when I talk in a nasty tone. I felt embarrassed and angry considering that I came all the way to work just for her. She tried apologizing but I never took her apologies seriously since at that time I felt that I couldn’t trust her. After that incident should would text me once and a while, but she recently forgot my bday despite that I got her a cake and card for her bday. It was the first time in my life that I felt being taken advantage of someone who I though was my SO, but turns out to be a self centered backstabber. I have a feeling that she found someone else. I wasn’t expecting big gifts, just a simple wish would suffice.
I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I try to improve myself to become a better person both career and personal. I always be courteous and polite to people, I go the gym 3x a week. and try new activities to make friends. I also follow the principle of “Building relationships first and success will follow” mentality that good things happen to people, when you are friendly to others. My friends and colleagues are shocked that I am still single. Being 28 years old and not having many good friends and a SO sometimes gets to me.
I feel my downfall for making friends and finding my SO is my hunger to find a better career that will make me happy. I been working hard throughout my life but always get screwed in the end. Most of my friends are either married or in relationships. It is difficult for me to keep in touch.
Hopefully soon I get a job that is permanent and pays well, so I can spend more time making friends, and family. I hope to find my SO as well. For the single guys out there. find ways to improve yourself. Don’t worry about finding a gf. First resolved all your problems in your life than you will build self esteem.Than the rest will follow. Have a plan and stick to it. Be thankful of the strengths that you are given, and use it to your advantage. Any weaknesses you have (eg shy talking to girls) work on it, and soon your weakness becomes your strength.
For the single ladies out there, please don’t play games with guys. That gets old and shows that your immature and selfishness. If you feel that things are not going well on date, be upfront. Don’t try to be friendly. Feelings will be hurt, but you’ll save yourself time. Guys don’t like to be lead but only to find out that the girl is not interested in the guy.
For both guys and girls, be active as much as possible. Avoid cliques. Cliques kills creativity and opportunities to meet people that may help you in the future. Try new things and get out of your comfort zone. Life is too short to be timid and fearful. Sorry for the long post but I felt i needed to vent out my frustrations with people with similar problems.
Thanks for this posting… Love your attitude…
“remember that when you are feeling lonely and that noone cares that God cares for you more than you will ever know because he created you” so true and so encouraging for someone who never felt a sense of belonging or acceptance.
I seem to also be a magnet for critical, catty women around my age, maybe a bit older. They seem to take issue with everything I do and say. Even online, I’m not immune. These women, as with the woman you’ve tried to befriend, have even lectured me on table manners.
For example, if I mention that I dislike formal dinners because my ADHD makes me prone to dropping utensils or spilling food, they’ll lecture me about how important it is to “practice eating at fancy restaurants.” I will respond in a manner that indicates, yes, I get that, but I have a cognitive processing difference that makes certain incidences of clumsiness WORSE if I “practice.” I’ll then add [for example] that I really have no reason to go to formal restaurants, and don’t even LIKE eating out very much. They’ll then continue to lecture at me.
So I just change the subject and try to find a way to escape them. It’s the only way I can handle people who act like that, if I must be around them at all.
Re: Why I came here
I found this blog because I was reading Psychology Today, and the author’s articles are linked through that website. I noticed that the “lack of interest in friendships” perspective was missing from this entry (which, at the time I found the blog, was a featured entry, or perhaps a featured link?), and I thought I’d mention it. I wanted to add my voice to the discussion because a lot of the parents on Psychology Today seem to be concerned about their teens’ lack of friendships, but only if the child is female, and I thought that was interesting.
Women are raised to be social and to give more of themselves than they take, and they are considered to be aberrations if they aren’t constantly socializing with a huge clutch of friends. I think that being female in a misogynistic society puts women at a disadvantage for making friends, and because I am at the right age to be a parent (although I never wanted kids and neither does my husband) I notice that women my age who are moms think the social dynamics nowadays are the same as they were when we were teens. They’ve completely changed, and the game-changers are pervasive, ubiquitous internet and social media access. We didn’t have internet bullying back then, so there wasn’t this persistent source of harassment and intimidation that followed kids home.
So basically, I wanted to put my perspective out there partly to reassure the young girls who may be like me, and who may never have wanted friends, that they are perfectly normal. I may not want friends, but I spend a lot of my spare time mentoring youths in the 18-25 demographic, and I like to speak up for them when I can, because I think that American society has a perverse way of worshipping youth, while at the same time, denigrating our youth and blaming them for all the ills of the world. Also, it’s rough out there for these poor kids, who’ve been dumped into the worst job market in a century.
Now that I’ve turned my life around and gotten back on track (I got a new job I’m starting next month, moved to a city I love, and am enrolled in a Top 25 school on a part-time basis to earn a Master’s certificate in computer science), I am feeling better about things, and more apt to reach out. While I still don’t want close friends, I have begun socializing in large groups again. As an adult, this has always been my preference: to have a lot of acquaintances, but no close friends. I am very extraverted and I like to talk. Going out once or twice a week to art galleries, nightclubs, and parties is just my speed, and now that we’re in Boston, we have way more opportunities to do that than we did living in a small town in Indiana. Being married or not married doesn’t affect my views on friendships, though. Before I was married, I was a serial monogamist. I always had a significant other (male or female, didn’t care, date both) who took up the majority of my energy and time, but my so-called friendships have always been acquaintanceships at best.
The question to ask is, “Had you not grown up in an abusive home, would you be able to relate to people better?” and I think the answer to that would be “Yes.” When a child is bullied and abused by the very people who are supposed to be caring for them, they develop a certain personality that makes them appealing as a target. In my case, I am seen as someone who’s good to hit up when an acquaintance wants something, but also good to ignore when I truly need help. Lowering my expectations has helped me quite a bit. And in the workplace, I’m also seen as a good target for sexual harassment and bullying from older men. They seem to hate and fear me because I am not interested in them sexually, and I am at the same level of management (director) that they are, but they are in their 40s and I am only in my 30s. I recently solved this problem by taking a full-time job at a female-owned and operated business and re-focused my freelance efforts on companies that have more ethical values, like those who serve veterans and minorities.
Thanks for asking, and I hope you have a great week.
I found this blog because I was reading Psychology Today, and the author’s articles are linked through that website. I noticed that the “lack of interest in friendships” perspective was missing from this entry (which, at the time I found the blog, was a featured entry, or perhaps a featured link?), and I thought I’d mention it. I wanted to add my voice to the discussion because a lot of the parents on Psychology Today seem to be concerned about their teens’ lack of friendships, but only if the child is female, and I thought that was interesting. Women are raised to be social and to give more of themselves than they take, and they are considered to be aberrations if they aren’t constantly socializing with a huge clutch of friends.
I think that being female in a misogynistic society puts women at a disadvantage for making friends, and because I am at the right age to be a parent (although I never wanted kids and neither does my husband) I notice that women my age who are moms think the social dynamics nowadays are the same as they were when we were teens. They’ve completely changed, and the game-changers are pervasive, ubiquitous internet and social media access. We didn’t have internet bullying back then, so there wasn’t this persistent source of harassment and intimidation that followed kids home. I wanted to put my perspective out there partly to reassure the young girls who may be like me, and who may never have wanted friends, that they are perfectly normal. I may not want friends, but I spend a lot of my spare time mentoring youths in the 18-25 demographic, and I like to speak up for them when I can, because I think that American society has a perverse way of worshipping youth, while at the same time, denigrating our youth and blaming them for all the ills of the world. Also, it’s rough out there for these poor kids, who’ve been dumped into the worst job market in a century.
Now that I’ve turned my life around and gotten back on track (I got a new job I’m starting next month, moved to a city I love, and am enrolled in a Top 25 school on a part-time basis to earn a Master’s certificate in computer science), I am feeling better about things, and more apt to reach out. While I still don’t want close friends, I have begun socializing in large groups again. As an adult, this has always been my preference: to have a lot of acquaintances, but no close friends. I am very extraverted and I like to talk. Going out once or twice a week to art galleries, nightclubs, and parties is just my speed, and now that we’re in Boston, we have way more opportunities to do that than we did living in a small town in Indiana. I am also on better terms with my family and my spouse has likewise grown closer with his family. (He also grew up being abused.)
Being married or not married doesn’t affect my views on friendships, though. Before I was married, I was a serial monogamist. I always had a significant other (male or female, didn’t care, date both) who took up the majority of my energy and time, but my so-called friendships have always been acquaintanceships at best. The question to ask is, “Had you not grown up in an abusive home, would you be able to relate to people better?” and I think the answer to that would be “Yes.” When a child is bullied and abused by the very people who are supposed to be caring for them, they develop a certain personality that makes them appealing as a target. In my case, I am seen as someone who’s good to hit up when an acquaintance wants something, but also good to ignore when I truly need help. Lowering my expectations has helped me quite a bit.
And in the workplace, I’m also seen as a good target for sexual harassment and bullying from older men. They seem to hate and fear me because I am not interested in them sexually, and I am at the same level of management (director) that they are, but they are in their 40s and I am only in my 30s. I recently solved this problem by taking a full-time job at a female-owned and operated business and re-focused my freelance efforts on companies that have more ethical values, like those who serve veterans and minorities. Thanks for asking, and I hope you have a great week.
I too have struggled for many years with making and keeping good friendships. I am 32 years old and have always had a few good friends around me at a time. However, those friends tend to change. I had one best friend throughout high school who I was inseperable with. After high school I had a few really close friends in university…however one of those friends moved to a different city and stopped talking to me despite my attempts to reconnect. I have found that things became more problematic in my adult life after university…I had a good friend and roomate who stopped talking to me after we moved to our own places. She would rarely answer my emails and did not seem to be interested in keeping a friendship. I have a good friend now who I would consider my best friend but even her and I seem to go through phases. I am noticing that there is a pattern of people not contacting me or wanting to keep in touch with me. Sometimes I think if I sat and did nothing (i.e did not contact people), then I would never hear from anyone. I consider myself a good person….my husband is my best friend and has nothing but good things to say about me. I would consider myself a bit hard to get to know….I know that it is hard for me to be ‘myself’ unless I feel comfortable with someone. I think things have been highlighted recently because I just got married and was a bit let down by the turnout to my stagette party. There were 6 girls there but the majority of them were acquaintances and not good friends. I realized that I have a revolving door of acquaintences but not a consisitent group of good friends. Another thing that bothers me about myself is that I seem to get tired of people easily. This is such a terrible thing to admit but sometimes I feel like many of my friendships ended because I wore them out. Meaning that we spent so much time together that I got sick of them or they got sick of me. My current best friend has been a friend for 8 years and I feel like I’m starting to feel the same about her. She is a constant drain on me, always negative, emotional and I feel like she is trying to bring me down. Maybe I am just not cut out for deep friendships because I feel that I always attract people who are emotional drains and then I end up sabatoging it so that they don’t want to speak to me anymore.
Yah, I’m an extreme introvert and am extremely independent but I don’t care and I don’t want to change that. There has to be someone out there who wants to be my friend still right?
You sound like a very intelligent young woman. You express yourself beautifully—and it sounds like you have many talents, too.
You also seem more mature than most 13-year-olds and that’s why you may be having a hard time fitting in with your peers!
School classmates can be tough on someone who is even a little bit different. Have you tried meeting new people through some of your outside interests aside from the orchestra? Any chance you could volunteer and help in the library?
My best, Irene
I’m 13 years old. I have a lot of acquaintances and people who used to be close friends, but no friends who really understand me. Well, all but two reasons for not having friends apply to me. I’m introverted, insecure, perfectionist, obsessive-compulsive, and very intellectual. I skipped second grade, and even then I was always in Gifted and Talented classes in elementary school. In third and fourth grade I was constantly bullied by other girls. In fifth grade I switched to a charter school, which helped a lot since my school is really non-conformist.
I still am different from most of my peers, though. I love classical music and play viola in a prestigious youth orchestra. Really, I’m a total geek. I read books on modern music history for fun. If I could, I would spend all of my time in a practice room. I feel like I fit in in my youth orchestra, but I still don’t have any friends there. Pretty much everyone in the orchestra has been friends forever, and I’m just not one of them.
I really wish I had close friends. The last time I had a close friend, I was in elementary school, and I haven’t had one since she ditched me for more popular girls. I still do hang out with some of my old friends, but they don’t understand me at all. In their opinion, a good time is going to the mall and flirting with cute guys. I couldn’t be more different. I’m not even sure my friends like me anymore. What should I do?
Dear Isolated,
you have really got a talent for writing. Have you ever thought about writing a book? Really and truly. It sounds like you have a lifetime of experience in such young years. Hard stuff. But if you have ever thought you might like to write, please, please do.
take care
my heart goes out to you. Can i tell you something that i have read many times? that people who are lonely at school, often go on to make really successful lives, because they can funnel their energy into ambitions. i wish the world was perfect for you, for everyone who has posted here … but sometimes … you have to choose not to let people dictate how you think about yourself. you have good qualities, we all do. focus on them. hang on to them. can you imagine what life holds for people who spit on others? they have no dignity. hold on to yours.
My sister moved there from Nebraska. At first she said they’re all flakey. But kept looking and now has some good friends. Through her church and children’s school activities with neighbors and other parents. I thnk it’s possible to find your own oasis and like minded souls in a big place like Calif. Good luck, and have faith!
Thank-you so much for those kind words, Irene. I do my best to be as understanding and helpful as possible. And, there are plenty of great ladies who have been very nice to me, including YOU!!!!!!!!
Youll find someone that will muster up the courage to unchain themselves to say hi. It’ll happen soon.
Yes, stand tall. I was in korea long ago. I was walking in a busy part of a shopping area and saw two young girls walking together arm and arm. The were hetro but anyway, one was tall and walked like a colt. She was still with grace and poise but she was a walking beautiful young girl about 20 years old. It was a dark and a bit rainy night so it was more a siholett. Always walk with fluidity. Check out backinsight.com
There are so many great comments to your hard times. Yes this society hasbecome more difficult. Have you tired Facebook? Its great for girls or women i think.just be good to yourself. Only youmay know how far you hurt. You can overcome this. A lot of people are alone. Most of us are not lonely though. Btw here’s a joke. I am part of the 80percent of us that is depressed, caused by you other 20 percent. Think about it though. It’s true so realize that you been heaped upon by someone else. Don’t be like them. Be kind to yourself. It’s a great time for this change. Mind you, that when you change forthe better, youmay becomeso confident and understand of yourself that you may still be alone, you just will be with a better and nicer person.
I moved to the UK from Ireland 9 years ago because my husband hated living in Ireland.I feel the same about where I live,I don’t really like it here.I have no close friends or family nearby.I have kids who are settled here so we can’t mi e.I consider myself to be a nice person,kind,caring with a great sense of humour and fun loving.I have joined various groups and seemed to get on with the people there but even when I make the effort to keep in touch they do t seem interested.I am putting it down to the cultural difference even though we are very similar there is a difference yet I can’t put my finger on it. I am a really socialable person who loves meeting new people but that’s all I get as far as! Sometimes when I feel lonely for a friend I get really sad and low but I would never display this on the outside as I like to portray a possitive outlook.Ive come to the conclusion that I will never have a close friend just acquaintances mainly my husbands connection of friends.I have doubted myself asking what am I doing wrong? Maybe we are attracting the wrong people and the cycle just keeps repeating itself.I am in therapy because of this problem initially but I have discovered some interesting underlying issues that some I had forgotten and some that I wasn’t aware of.I will write back at a later stage on my journey of self discovery because we all look for the answers externally instead of internally.Take care of yourself and you do what’s right for You
It’s nice that people can reach out here for support and understanding from people like you.
Best, Irene
Many people are 32, live alone, have no children, and have no lovers. If you have come to this site, it sounds like you may be ready to seek out some friendships. Perhaps, it would be helpful to speak to a counselor or mental health professional to help you figure out ways to connect.
If you are feeling despondent or thinking about killing yourself, please contact a suicide hotline immedialy. Help is available.
free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and
Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at
1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.
the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support
at 08457 90 90 90.
My heart goes out to you. Were you abused sexually; hence your sexual phobia? Have you thought about talking to a professional? It would make you feel better to work through your issues with someone who is trained to do so. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Never mind what people think. It is what YOU think that counts.
i don’t have any friends because i am a freak. i am 32 live alone, female, no children. most of people i use to know have kids, are married, or have live in lovers. i have never had any of that. never had relationships or even a date. i have sexual phobia. nobody wants to be with a woman like that. i have nothing in common with most people my age. so why bother subjecting myself to their judgements and sneers? No thanks. I have heard it enough from people thinking someone like me is weird and crazy. i will just stay alone until i die or kill myself. thank you.
Much as I connect with all the posts on this page, I need a friend. Seriously. To spend time chatting with online or otherwise, able to listen to my crap and me to hers/his , telling me they care. I am 52 but feel lonely most of the time because I am around people who care less-much as I have been there for people! ([email protected])
My life style is almost like mine, I am blessed to have a family but I am lonely most of the time. I would love to have someone to chat with and feel appreciated.
I have no friends and people spit on me at school. Life sucks.
Very nice, sound response. Thanks for posting. You’ve given me a lot to think about. You make a lot of sense.
You grow up
I never kept but one HS friend. I am a realist, I see people as they REALLY are. The ” Hey girl OMG so good to see you!” fakeness. Those woman you meet with over 400 friends on Facebook annoy the hell out of me. I use to be part of that mess through my husbands side of the family. Until one day I looked at my Autistic son that NONE ever helped ” oh hey girl if you need my help EVER” and realized.. how do they make a positive impact on my life as a whole? I realized I could never ” fit” in. They never liked me because I was way to honest. If I don’t like someone I don’t speak to them. These people LOVE absolutely thrive collecting friends, even ones they don’t like. They live for the drama of talking about ” sally” saying they can’t stand her clothes they way she talks her BAKING skills!! LOL. For me it was a EPIPHANY. I realized that in life you should care for those who are ACTUALLY there for you, want to be around you and whole heartily love you. I do not have many friends and I am ok with that. The few that I do have I treat with the utmost care. Be happy about your healthm he happy you are alive. The world is a beautiful thing to miss. So you do not have anyone to share it with.. that’s fine. ” que sera sera” but do not waste one minute waiting for a friend or anyone. Go out and see a movie alone. Go to a museum. Or if you have kids LOVE THEM DEDICATE yourself to them. Also, avoid making friends at church if you are a believer. Problems always arise from those friendships. Believe and be happy with yourself. Go to the gym, No one will ever love you more then yourself 
Hello. I can relate to a lot of what you are talking about. I am also a workaholic, and without family. However, I am a workaholic because my job is too much for me to handle. I am nearing 65, but can’t afford to retire, so I need to hang in there and make sure they think I’m still somewhat valuable. They make “aren’t you wanting to retire?” comments all the time, and it’s OBVIOUS I am the slow poke of my department. If I did not HAVE to work nights and weekends, I would NOT. Even if I didn’t have anyone to socialize with, I would go home, cultivate some hobbies and interests, partake in physical fitness, walking swimming, whatever; take classes. Actually I used to do all of those things, when I had a job that was not so overwhelming. Now that I look back, I yearn for those days. SO…my advice to you is to NOT be a workaholic just for the sake of being at the job instead of home alone.Especially since it doesn’t sound like you have a lot of friendly people at your job. You never know what you have until you lose it. And trust me, it is GOLDEN to not have to spend all your free time at your job. Even when I don’t work late, I am exhausted to the bone, I mean I feel like I’m 200 years old, and can’t do anything productive once I get home. So … think about it, okay? I know this doesn’t answer your loneliness issues, but if you treasure and cultivate your free hours outside of your job, you will increase your chances of meeting kindred souls. Even if they don’t turn out to be friends after the volunteering, class, etc., is over. That’s better than grinding away at the job beause you want to fill your time. Peace be with you.
It sounds like you are feeling pretty down about life. You should speak to someone you trust rather than posting here.
Hope you feel better. Irene
Wow, I just found this site. I thought it was just me! I am a 50 year old woman, who has a good job. I consider myself intelligent. I don’t drink or smoke and that puts a lot of people off at my job I think. I have no family, and no social life. I am a workaholic to fill the days and nights. Always am the one to initiate any kind of communication with acquantences. I just wonder if the rest of my life is going to be this lonely. I volunteer my time, but when the volunteering is done, or the work day is done, I am the only one who doesn’t get invited for anything after work.
Really feel like this is all there is.
Maybe we should all become friends on this site?
I’m open to being friends with anyone of you who wants to connect with me. I feel lonely too. I am not good at being sociable but realised I am okay at online chat.
I Never Have a Friend and i dont like that i hate Humans,Animals,Life .
HI ALL my first time blogn. Ive just read alot of messages and I feel alwful for everybody and really hope that your situations get better because you truely deserve to be happy:) I myself have been extremely sad on and off for quite awhile due to having no real true friends.Ill give you abit of background on my life.
*MY BESTFRIEND IN HIGHSCHOOL we will call her ‘Sally’ who Id known since I was 1yr old. When we were 15 I was going thru a hard time at home and had to move out. I stayed with her family and she started to ignore me when i needed her most. Became rude and started hanging around with a new friend who bullied me and around the same time my sister started to become very very close with my Sally which really hurt me too. Yrs later I found out that Sally was in a lesbian relationship with this other girl I mentioned and I was told that the other girl didnt like us having a friendship and had pushed a rift between .
Im still hurt even tho this was soooo long ago partly because I have to still see her sometimes due to her being friends with my sister and because I would of been there for her no matter what was going on in her life and she couldnt do the same for me, and shes never apologised or tryed to reconcile.
*I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE MAIN ISSUE that I continuely come up against im not saying im perfect but I believe that if Im good at one thing it is being a good friend I always ph or txt and ask how my friends are what theyv been up to ect and Ive always been supportive continiously when they are in need ie illness breakups or a death in family ect, so I dont understand why people seem to shy away from me I feel Im a person of good character morals and im fun and normal well kind of lol as much as anyones normal:).
*I ALSO HAD A BEST GUYFRIEND who Id been friends with since I was 18yrs old Tom. I thought he was the best friend Id ever had and that it was mutual we had a great connection people would comment how close we were we’d spend alot of time together. At the age of 25yrs old my other best friend at the time who was female Jill id known her for bout 3yrs started dating him(they met thru me) for the first couple of weeks it was fine. Then my relationship dramatically changed with both Tom & Jill they started kind of ganging up on me abit and wouldnt return my calls or txts mainly Jill at 1st. I suggest we catchup and there would be no follow thru. They later got married and Jill didnt invite me to her hens nite or include me in any of the organisation but everyone else was invited. I attended the wedding but it was arkward.
My family knows both of them well and believes that Jill is just incredibly insecure and jealous and cannot stand me being near Tom and so dosnt want to be friends with me any longer, and so in turn he has had to stop being friends with me.
IM DEVISTATED IM 30YRS OLD I feel like I should be over this by now but I was so good to both of them arnt we above this petty jealousy. Ive always had boyfriends and still made time for him and her . I know Tom had liked me in the past but our relationship had always been totally platonic . I also have to see them both occasionally as they are now distant family and I feel arkward sad and nervous each time I see them and I dont know how to get over this feeling -Any one have any ideas?
I WISH I HAD of said something to them ages ago especially to Tom as Im unsure if he realises totally what he did but how could he not! Now I feel its too late. but I dont know how Im ever going to feel better until I get to express how I feel to them but I also felt they probably would dismiss me leaving me feeling worse. I just feel like I was totally dumped and discarded of with no thought what so ever.
WONDERING if you girls or guys have had any of these or similar situation happen to you to?
I ALSO HAD ANOTHER BEST GIRLFRIEND we’d been friends since my early 20s and had become closer over the last few yrs talking numerous times a day on the ph. She had been diagnosed with Bi polar and had psychotic episodes and other issues. I stood by her all thru this as I loved her dearly altho at times it could be trying as she begain to believe I was against her and had done things I simply hadnt and spoke to me in ways that should never be spoken. she chose to end the friendship and I again was crushed. She messaged me months later saying she missed my friendship but I had to look after myself and altho I would luv to be her friend again I feel that it was too damaging to me .
I ALSO LOST MY OTHER CLOSE guy friend Matt at a similar time to losing Tom and Jill. as he decided he didnt want to be friends anymore as Jill who i mentioned above was Matts previous girlfriend and he didnt want to be in my life because she was. Even tho he had been friends with me since we were 17yrs old long before we both met Jill, but because she was still in my life he didnt want to know me even tho he’d been the one to say we should meet and be friends at the start.
MY TWO remaining supposidly best girlfriends didnt even ph me when I was involved in a car accident late last year id been in hospital so I was pretty upset about that I recieved a txt an that was it.
THESES ARE JUST THE MAIN BIG issues I have a few others too but wont bore you even more.
I WONDERED DOES ANYONE have any tips on how do you feel better about yourself when things like this keep happening and when you do try to make new friends or keep in contact with the old few you still do have.
But they dont get back to you and you are always the one to intiate contact. I recently thought id made a new friend but again im the one always contact her and I havnt heard back from her a week ago I asked her if she’d like to catchup.
I JUST WANT TO MEET PEOPLE who care as much as I do and will give back too. Im SO SICK AND TIRED OF IT BEING A ONE WAY STREET me always seeing how they are.
THANKS SO MUCH everyone for listening:)
I can relate to all these. My husband and I have recently moved to a new state for a new job for me. I totally love my new job! We have a good marriage, and I am blessed. I am struggling with making new friends here. It seems that I am percieved (this of course is MY perception) as strange and no one wants to take time out side of work to hang out. I think I am fairly friendly and nice, and also have a funny sense of humor. Not crude, but just odd. You know , the jokes only your mom and dad get.. anyhow, I am struggling because I love having someone there to just hang with and go shopping with, etc. I dont know….
I understand. My husband and I moved to a different state and I cant seem to make any close friends. I try to start, then they lose touch and I am again left alone. I have a good marriage, and a wonderful job, but yes, there is that need. I was ok at the beginning, but as time continues to go on, it is very hard to stay positive and try to draw friends in. Plus almost everyone i have met is about 22 where as i am 38. I have never been a “popular” person, and I truly enjoy hanging with only a few friends at a time. I am one of those more introverted when it comes to meeting people, but once I know them, I warm up and can be myself, complete with my awkward sense of humor. Because I have such an odd sense of humor and I try to be funny with those that I do know, they look at me wierd and think I am a little off. lol. Any thoughts?
I’ve only just come across this blog, it is brilliant, so many similar stories and my heart goes out to you all.
I am 47 and live in the UK, and was moved (not my choice) because of my husband’s work to the other side of the country with three small kids. I lost my entire support network of friends and even 9 years on I don’t feel part of where I live now
Im sure many of us suffer from trying ‘too hard’ but I honestly can say i have tried so very hard to be part of the friendship circles here and it hurts beyond words when you find you haven’t been invited to something – however innocent the reason.
Things have moved on where we used to live and our previous best friends have had an acrimonious divorce and she cannot bear that we have stayed in touch with her ex and has cut me off.
So I have no faith in friendships anymore – I have such a good life, and am blessed more than most of you in your stories, i have a good marriage, lovely kids, good job ….but the hole that having no friends leaves is a big one
Yep I am on the same boat with you dear, I am a caring, loving person and I go out of my way to help people. I’m from a big family and I don’t have social issues. I just moved to California though a lot of people are flaky here. I think its the new society no one wants deep friendships/relationships just someone they can party with, sadly…
I came to this thread because I have had the pattern of loneliness that others have expressed here most of my life, but feel that I am improving slowly.
I want to offer some hope though. I think that folks can struggle with this loneliness and emptiness for different reasons, but I am sure that the cure is in loving your self more.
When you direct hate to yourself or are ashamed of who your are, then this will naturally repel people no matter how nice you are to them.
I gave two years of my life to serve in the Peace Corps – working to follow that ideal “In giving we truly receive” – this is true in a sense
But the most valuable gift we can give to others is our self, and if we do not love our self, then what can you offer others?
Maybe a Solution:
Give yourself the love you deserve and love and attention that you so desire from others. Don’t assume that other friendships you see are close or that groups / cliches of friends are the ideal that you should strive for.
If you are struggling with a low self-esteem then get to know yourself better because I think that you are probably an awesome person and you need to give yourself a break.
An action you might take:
This is a bit radical for some maybe, but why not go to the person or group that you truly and authentically want in your life and tell them your problem and tell them you want a close and authentic friendship because you have been too lonely. If they shun you or poke fun at you then obviously they are not the friends you deserve or want.
And keep going, no matter how exhausted you might get, no matter how many times you have to cry in private…the friends you want and can imagine, are the friends you deserve and they are out there – they are real.
I feel better reading these posts knowing I’m not alone but it also makes me sad that we are like that. no matter what I do or how I try to be nobody will still contact me or show interest in being close whether it be people from work or in the past at school. now I am 25 years old and I still have no close friends. I had some in school in the best friend in middle school who totally ditched me or broke up with me. I even have a problem with my family when I walk in the room it’s like I’m not even there and everybody else gets a hug but me. all I do is hide behind a smile anymore. I never did anything wrong except ask people about their lives and be a good listener. I don’t have much experience that’s probably a big problem I try to relate to everybody and I am very open minded and love to have fun. still not good enough. maybe it is the whole in security issue, temperament and a few other things of that list.. but I even have a 2 year old now and still can’t even make a mommy friend..
does anybody else feel that way too?
I am in the same boat as you. I have 2 kids but no mom friends. I also feel left out by my family as well. Like u said they all get hugs and I get missed. I have tried prayer…counseling. Life is hard enough with a good support system….know that I feel the same way as you. Hang in there.
Ditto what you said. I am 49 and friendless too and can’t figure out why. I can be in a group of people and it’s like I’m invisible. I am very petite, 4’11″ and often get overlooked and left out. And I’m too darn afraid to go out on my own and ask a potential friend to the movies, etc. I guess I’m just stuck.
Hi-I can really relate to you. I am 49 and have gone through the same situation. I have 2 kids, 8.5 years apart.
The youngest one is in the 10th grade this year. Through the years I have tried volunteering at school, was a room mom, helped in the library, etc etc….I had one friend when my daughter was in a girl scout troop but I had to do all of the visiting her at her house, all of the calling (I worked, she didn’t). I decided to do an experiment and not call her, until she called me first. That was the end of our friendship. She never called. Ever. I saw her at the store the other day and she acted as if I’d done something wrong. I get along great with other women who do all the talking, are loud and extroverted. But I’ve always wanted a friend who likes to do the same things I do and will call me first and ask me to ‘go to a movie’ or something. No matter how much I try to engage in conversations with people, they just seem uninterested. I am at a loss here.
Wow you nailed it !
Im 23, going on 24 and I absolutely have the same problem, the fact that im young with no real friends I think makes it worse. Most people my age have a clich of friends or group that all talk to each other, but not me. Sometimes I blame myself because I know I have pushed some people away but I never intended for this to happen to me. I moved to texas when I was 13years old and I started high school in texas. So needless to say I started off fresh transitioning from the city to the boring country and didnt know a soul. I was disliked for stupid reasons, was picked on because I am sp petite and bullied and taken advantage of. I have a couple of friends but they dont talk to each other I talk to each one of them individually I dont have a group. When I see people that do Im not going to lie I get jealous and hurt asking why I cant have that? I always feel left out, a loner, I need a group of real friends thats all Im asking maybe we should create a website for people looking for new true friends no bull! A website where we can find a group that we belong to, or at least for some of us just 1 friend. I know that personality can hinder relationships I admit Im introverted, I am shy but when you spark a conversation thats interesting or talk about something that I can relate to, I open up alot. Im know that I am a good person just tired of being alone…we all are tired…sometimes it makes you not want to live…hoping I can find some genuine ppl on here, I want my friendships to last.
I think everyone reading here all feels the pain – a pain that simply can’t be understood by all those we look at and think “If they can have that many friends and are invited out so easily, why the heck can’t I?” – especially if the other person may seemingly do nothing extra special to gain these friendships. I have studied this for a while and can’t for the life of me yet figure it out. I have analysed myself, others, how I react to things etc, etc. Same results! I am at a loss as to how some people (who can be absolutely horrible and without values – am I being judgemental??!) so easily fall into friendships. It may be with people similar to themselves, but they still get them.
I also tried the experiment of not contacting the ‘acquaintances’ I knew for a period, and found the same thing – zero connections in any form. I know I am the one doing any contact, and then they have the hide to say “Haven’t heard from you in a while” as if it is always my responsibility. The feeling of the phone never ringing, no texts coming in is rather a pathetic one. I have tried to initiate conversations so many times with people, and some say how nice it was to meet me, then when I follow up, either nothing comes back, or if it does, it is only a short-lived thing, before they even get to really know me. I guess that’s why we are all finding sites like this to see how many relate and perhaps commiserate with each other!!
I can’t offer any solutions other than perhaps introverted people always have it tougher in a world that is biased towards outgoing, gregarious types. The tragedy is the awful emotions that we carry from this – always being overlooked of the things we can offer if only given the chance. The undermining of self-esteem that has to be constantly buoyed up somehow, the desperately lonely nights when even a single text message would make all the difference – to know someone spared a thought for you. This is no way to go on for the remainder of our days, and I wonder what all this is about. Is it some lesson to learn? If so, I can’t understand it, as what I said above about having gone over this a thousand times, trying to put out a positive energy, going outside of my usual quiet nature to make contacts etc., is not yielding any results. I can’t fathom what I am meant to be seeing from this. That’s the confusing part. I have read and read, but can’t seem to ‘get’ this whole thing.
I would be ever so grateful to have one person in my life I could tell anything to, to walk the path together with people who actually do care. Otherwise, being only 36, it seems an awfully long and lonely road ahead.
May we all have the strength to make our journeys and perhaps if there is another life after this one, we will get the good end of the deal. I think we’ll have earned it!
Peace to all.
I completely agree with everything you have said! I feel like we are kindred spirits. I have read books….tried to work through what lesson I am supposed to be learning from all this…..all to no avail. Wish we had a way to chat in present time back and forth instead of just replies…. I believe just knowing you are not alone can provide hope that the next day may be different/better.
You are the first post that i came upon that i really started to cry.You write exactly what i feel day after day. To me it was a cry of relief that i found others like me but a part of me cried in pain. Sometime i don’t understand what i have done to deserve this life of loneliness. I always had dreams…so what really happened. Where did i go wrong in life?? Why do people not like to hang out with me without me making all the effort?? What are my personality flaws that others see yet i cant. I have tried therapy/ conselling, but my therapist found nothing wrong with my personality.So now what do i do.I am 32 and dont know how long i will be able to take this.
I’m 35 and would love to have a friend. My therapist tells me nothing will happen if I don’t put myself “out there”. I’ve started hating my theist, along with all my acquaintences who give advice but are too busy for a cup of coffee. You might say I’m keeping people at a distamce but believe me, no one has EVER tried getting.close to me no matter what I did. Ever.
I’m 37 and I always had a vision of my friends being around when we all grew up. I have had the same high school and college friends for years. It’s hard for me to make new ones due to trust issues. So perhaps that’s part of my problem.
In recent years as we all have aged, I have lost contact with a few. I used to be the organizer and person who called all the time. If I don’t do that, nothing ever happens. I don’t get phone calls from some of them. I have exactly two now that actually call me. The third married a woman who pretty much hates my guts and left me out to dry when my first child was born. That really hurt and we haven’t talked really since.
So…I don’t understand why others don’t innitiate any more. Is it me? Am I a bad guy (as my former friend’s wife thinks..when by the way in reality, he always initiates things she doesn’t like, and I am the scape goat). I wonder if it’s just an age thing.. I am lonely and I miss them all. Even the one who I consider weak minded and who probably has thrown me under the bus for many years with his hateful wife. I don’t know. It just makes me sad.
hi my name is Ann-Louise i’m in the same bout no friendd i have make the phone calls ALL the time which i’m sick of but if i dont i dont here from anyone so just read ur post on the site so i thought i’d take a chance and reply to yours my email is [email protected] i’m in Australia if you dont i understand i’m 46yrs oldt
Hi there
Well i have read your thread. I am in my 50s – lady.
Always kept in contact with Aunts cousins etc- They never call me. After Mum died not one so called friend called.
Dont know why. It hurt for years .
If you want a friend – i likewise.
Happy to post my email add and from there exchange numbers.
Love to hear from you guys
I feel the same way as you. I have had supposed “best friends” all growing up but they just dumped me or they did something that made me feel like they didn’t care at all and then this was verified with no contact. I am always nice and whenever people meet me they think I am really sweet, but no one ever takes the time to get to know who I really am and I don’t readily share because I am so used to being tossed aside. Maybe once they realize I wasn’t really timid and a wall flower they aren’t interested anymore. I have been trying to make friends with people at work but am completely ignored when they go out. I almost feel like giving up completely since I feel like it has been so long since I talked to people that I can’t even have a conversation and I am just so sick of pretending. It is so difficult to find someone you can really trust and who actually cares about you because you are supportive and just a good person. My only real friends are my family, my boyfriend, and his friends-although we don’t really contact each other and I think some might just like me for other reasons. Those girls hugging at abercrombie don’t want anyone to threaten their notion of friendship and they don’t really want a deep relationship with someone who is deep and who challenges them to reassess themselves. I know how hard it can be but you will find friends eventually and they will care about you because they actually know you and want to know you.
In thinking about this further, I realize sometimes when people say “I don’t have regrets” they seem to mean they have “moved on” and not dwelled on their past mistakes. There is value in that if you find yourself punishing yourself too much for your past mistakes. But I still think that when you do think on the past mistakes, you can regret them. You can own them, regret them, and feel bad about them, if you did something bad, were mean to someone. And use it to resolve to not act that way again in the present or future.
I don’t know … I think regrets have value. Kind of like guilt has value. For me, regrets make me want to do better, be better, not repeat past mistakes. I don’t always succeed, but it makes me want to try. If I were self-satisfied with myself and not having regrets about anything I’ve done, I wouldn’t see room for improvement. I’m not one of these people who dwells on the concept that “everything happens for a reason,” so that sets me apart from other Christians. I’m also not a Christian. But at times in my life I have felt “close to God” (whether I was a Christian or not) and that did not affect the problems I have here on this Earth. That’s just me and my point of view.As for temperament, insecurity, pushing people away so I can be alone: I am on the same page as you on these things.
Wow reading all of these post I wish I could just give everyone a hug and become your friend. I also have no friends and I truly wish I did because in general I like people but my big things are my temperament, my insecurity (which is a very big barrier in my life) and preference I many times push people away just to be alone. But when I became christian I realized that helped me become closer to God and I don’t really regret anything. Regret is the worse feeling a person can have, it will make you stay in the past while your future flashes before you.
Very interesting to hear all sort of problem that people are facing .
You are not just one everybody have to face this fate
In some condition. It’s matter of how you adjust.if u thing
U are alone u will be if u think u are happy u will be
As rest says how it could’ve been but if u try impossible
Thing can be possible. U just have to do is try .
i feel the exact same way. one of my only friends- consider her my best friend (sadly) seems to only want to get together on her time. But if i’m sad and lonely, really needing a shoulder to cry on, something else is more important apparently. If I were to weed out all the friends that make rare contact with me at all, (unless I’m initiating,) I would maybe be left with one, hell, maybe none at all…is it common to feel alone in the world?
Im a 23 year old guy from england and everything ive read hear has happened to me since i left school. I only realised the problem when i did an experiment and made no contact with my so called “friends” for two weeks . I didnt recieve anything not one text or phone call?
Now I have problems in the past with my temper and attitude but Ive grown up alot since then and in my opinion I think Im a warm kind hearted guy who would do anything for his friends just wanting to have a good relationship with them but i get the feeling they wouldnt do the same for me, I have a girlfriend but sometimes that isnt enough for me, I almost feel alone.
thanks
You should be more selfish. Do what ever makes you feel happy, people? I often think people only say you need therapy as a quick fix or as just to make them go through some sort of process, which may or may not work. What’s worse, it feels like you have people who are talking to you that have never walked in your shoes? So the empathy factor is truly questionable, unless some has thought about or at least tried to commit suicide. Moreover, you shouldn’t have this need to join any club or clique unless it is related to a hobby or interests. If you are into marketing, you join a club geared towards marketing. If you are into comic books, you join a club geared towards comic books. If you are looking for club or clique based on status, then you are looking for validation. I don’t know how you can find validation among a set of random people. Again, all I can say is do what makes you feel happy.
I have all the problems you mentioned, as I went thru your list, yes. Even the emotional problems. I developed these as learning experiences. How does one erase a lifetime of being left out, hated and despised? For a time I too ignored the people around me, making myself my own best friend. For a time I entered blogs, like newsvine; and felt fullfilled, respected, wanted but today that changed. No sense getting into it. Suffice it to say it was my own illusion, my own pathetic delusion. I will never be chosen class president, or most popular. I will never be asked to join that special club or clique. I used to be beaten up by everyone. Then a Rabbi. Yes. A Rabbi, taught me how to defend myself. And I am not even Jewish. And he knew that. And after that time, I was beating up the bullies. It felt good but I moderated it, I avoided confrontations, instead of looking for them. So people still despised me, openly, for they did not fear me; which is fine with me, for I do not want their fear. But today, today is different. I read your list and wish to explain cause and effect, but I won’t do it indepth. When people shun you, harm you physically and verbally, what do think will happen? How do you think they will behave in the future? Yes. I avoid peope and why not? Do I have emotional problems? Who wouldn’t? Do I say or do anything to attract this negative attention? I wish I knew, for I have tried everyting that I could think of to change this and nothing worked. I have read books where people have said that if you have a positive attitude you will attract positive people; I tried that. Yes. It worked briefly but didn’t last and today I am deeply depressed. I will never have friends. Even my own kids disrespect, hate and despise me. My exwife left me for another man. I am a senior citizen now. And I absolutely despise those people who have talked me out of suicide in the past; for all living has done is problong my pain and the abuse. What is more I know you don’t have an answer and I know what you will say; “Go find professional help, immediately!” Well no thanks, been there, done that; if it worked, I wouldn’t be writing this and I don’t feel like supporting yet another person who has a college degree! Thanks anyway. I suppose I am only venting here? I found this by doing a search “Am I the only one who feels disrespected, who is abused and unfit to join any clubs or cliques…?” Oh well. At least you can ignore this. bye
Speaking from experience I was close to many of my old friends and some I still communicate with for more than 25 years. These are truly real friends.
When I moved to Houston TX I moved in with my sister and once I acquired a job I moved out but my friendship with my sister became close as the years went by. However, I lost my sister in the two years. I have managed to make myself available to people
however, throughout the recent years I found female friends were more like “Fair Weather Friends” who only needed you when they didn’t have someone to talk to or needed something from you.
I have learned through the years that this is certain when it comes to relationship with women as well as men and that there must be common ground of interest or understanding
of the mind otherwise there will be problems.
Recently had a previous co-worker I wanted to be friends with but what I previously understand since her drinking
and her bout of depression you cannot get close to her.
A close observation is someone who cannot or won’t even
try to stay close to a family and have not made any visible
effort with them is in my book a “Risk Taker for A Friend.”
I have given many opportunities to over come the many flaws of this person despite my true nature of being helpful
but in the long run I am not one to be a doormat for individuals that have little concerns for my feelings let alone
be a true friend. Prefer my own company than this type of
a “Fair Weather Friend.”
Stay Positive and Don’t Worry.
Angela
[email protected]
. . . to the fullest as possible. I feel as if several things are helping me in my life. Currently, work with a homeless organization, when I have free time, and I’m also trying to go back into a literacy program I was doing earlier in the year, which serves people who have English as a 2nd language. I’m also looking to become a volunteer at this local animal shelter. Staying active and not wallowing in my sorrows. Is the best course of action for me.
You should be proud of yourself because you have been able to maintain a happy marriage and you’re a professor. I’m sorry to hear about your health problems, but it sounds like your family is worth you battling depression. I know it’s hard to think positive sometimes because we feel so overwhelmed with so many things in our lives; however, suicide is not the answer. I think you should talk to your wife regarding what is stressing you out and try to set up a plan to change certain things that are stressing you out. Even, if that means not paying certain bills until you are able to. Mabe you should turn to your religion to find strength. Hope my comments help. Wish you the best.
why not participate in introvert activities rather than pressuring yourself to be someone you are not and place expectations upon yourself to be outgoing at large group overwhelming activities? honor yourself and your own temperament acceptf yourself and your glock will come to you
hi- I can relate so much to what everyone is talking about. I am a 46 years old and was married at 20 years old. I have 4 kids and during the time raising them was so shy – reclusive actually. I had no girlfriends during that time and felt so lonely and depressed. At 35, I started working and met some new people. However, even at my age I’m still uncomfortable at parties and suffer from low self-esteem. My close friend is 26 and VERY extroverted. I think I’m trying to recapture my 20′s and improve my social skills. I am too nice and give too many compliments to friends and co-workers and none to myself. I want to be successful socially but being too kind is not working.
Why do blunt people make so many friends???
I want to meet more people and come out of my shell.
I read your post with great interest. I feel terrible for all you have had to endure, especially at such a young age. You are very brave to have taken the steps of transgendering. If you were my daughter, I would stand by you and tell you how proud of you I am.
Hi, Megha.r. how old are you? Forget what the kids in school think of you. Do what you want. Join a sports team if you want. Focus on your school work so you can get the job of your dreams and be . If you try your best and study hard you will do better in school. Tell yourself, ” I can do anything if I try my best.” Love yourself. When you do what you want and love yourself good things happen. hang in there, I have hope for you!
I can relate to this. I am turning 20 and I’ve never drank, gone to a party, or done drugs either. I don’t have friends either, been friendless my whole life. Stuff in the past has messed me up mentally and emotionally. Perhaps the violence you encountered in your household made you close up. Anyways keep on job hunting!;) and definitely try to go to college, even a community college. Don’t give up, you sound pretty wise and smart for your age. Apply for scholarships if you can. Maybe your parents can try to help you to go to school by applying for financial aid and giving you rides. If they care about you, they would try to help you accomplish your goals. I have never been in a relationship before. But the more I read, I am learning that some of us cling on to relationships because we are not able to love ourselves. When we have been hurt in the past, we allow others to hurt us because that is all we have known. It makes me glad that I know this because I still have a hard time loving myself. On top of that we need friends to validate ourselves, we need social relationships to find our identity. You should try volunteering in your area. It will make you feel like you are worth something when you are helping others who are in need. Head over to your local senior center lol, elderly people need someone to talk to and they can tell you interesting stories. Go to the warehouses and highschools and see if you can volunteer. Hey, maybe volunteering at a warehouse can give you job experience. I feel better when I volunteer because I am forced to socialize with others and you can meet some genuine people. Learn to love yourself. Expose yourself to the outside environment as much as you can. Listen to your ipod, and take a walk around the block. Jog around your neighborhood.
Seminars are good as well, or other social forums geared toward literature and social issues. You’ll meet like minded people, instantly. The local libraries have all sorts of events geared towards those things. Typically, the central libraries have the most activities.
[email protected]
Please dear, don’t even think of that at all. Don’t even say it. DON’T END YOUR LIFE. You are so young and as you can see here you are not alone in this friendless situation. You have all the opportunities in the world to start and still making friends. You still have it much better than others.
The sadest stories here have been me and even worse. I have been sexually, physically, mentally &emotionally abused since I was 11 yrs old from my uncle who was supposed to raise me. I am just happy that I came out of it 7 yrs later alive. Thank God. Yes I do lack self esteem & I give too much to people around me & I don’t know if that is why I have difficulties keeping friends. I am very lonely too but I would never end my life. We have to leave that to God.
So please dear take heart and carry on. We live in a very shallow world. But know that you are not alone
Please seek help as well
Good luck
Kas
meeting new friends in a new city can be hard. I moved out of state after 10 years of seeing ever face that looked at me with friendship, smiles, hugs, when I went to the store they knew my name. Coffee house dates, walks, and talks. I move to mn and it was as thou I stepped back in time the state even makes eople retake a drivers test even if u have a clean record. i didnt know anyone. It took four years for me to get asked for lunch by a girl. It just wasnt the same as living in the mountians . Home is where you feel loved.
I feel the same as the 35 y.o. girl who wrote the original letter. I’m 33 and ever since moving out of state I just feel so alone sometimes. Hubby has introduced me to his friends’ wives but they’re all his age-nearly a decade older and have kids, we do not. While I’ve met some nice people at church I feel like the ones I truly connect with are always so busy.
Hubby think maybe I expect too much from my friendships. I’m not a demanding person when it comes to friendships but I care about myself enough that I know I deserve respect and love in them. My closest friends live a plane flight away and I see them maybe once per year. Just when I meet someone and feel like we both have a friendship connect, it will last a few weeks/months and I feel on top of the world like we’re best friends and have so much in common. Then something will happen and they don’t have time or they’re traveling too much. It’s always something.
I know of people and of course we’ve all seen on TV, etc., the kinds of friendships most of us long for. The close-knit group of friends who are so there for one another. They make their family, kids, jobs a priority but somehow they’re always there to celebrate the good and the bad in life. You never feel truly alone and you weekends are better because you got to spend them together. I feel fortunate to have those friends back home but I live in a pretty big city now and with the exception of maybe 1 person, the rest are all just acquaintances. Just venting. Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way. Something happens in your 30′s after college is over, especially when you move away from all that is familiar. It’s hard to start all over again, I only know of a few people that have done it really successfully.
Lots of people in loveless or unsupportive relationships. They post here a lot. It makes me wonder if it’s worse to be all alone lonely or in a couple lonely. On the other hand, many people post here with longings for friendships and say they have no friends, but they say they have a loving spouse and kids. Now *those* people, I’m not so sure are as bad off. At least their spouse is their friend. I’d rather be in their shoes than totally alone or with a horrible partner.
I did not read your whole post, but I did see parts of it. One of the things you need to learn at a young age is you cannot and should not rely on other people too much, for emotional fulfillment or anything else.
You appear to be looking to other people to fix you, to make you happy, or fill up the loneliness, but this will never work.
There is no prince charming who will sweep you away and save you. Like everyone else, you will have to stand on your own.
Many women wind up in abusive relationships because they are scared to death of being alone or are afraid of supporting themselves.
Every one is lonely sometimes, no matter their age.
Even married couples feel lonely at times. A lot of women are lonely and in loveless marriages where their emotional needs are not being met by their husbands. So having a boyfriend or a husband is not a guarantee of love, happiness and companionship.
There are lots of people in your position of all ages, people who have nobody close to confide in.
Hi. I’m an eighteen year old girl living at home with my parents. I’m not an only child, but I am the only one still living at home. My parents both work through the day and I constantly find myself alone. I can’t get into college, because every time I try all the classes are long past filled, and I can’t leave the house, because I haven’t any money for the bus, or a license. I live in a highly industrialized area and the only things within walking distance are warehouses and high schools. All I can do is job hunt online, but it’s not the same as handing in an application in person. However, these encumbering issues are not the big picture. My problem is, I have absolutely no friends. I haven’t one person I can call to in time of need, not including family. I feel like my problem started in high school. I had overwhelming family issues at the time and bounced around in and out of school for a while. I was always a highly advanced student, but because of this instability, I quickly fell behind in credits. I was dropped from my high school and sent to home study. All the time at home caused more issues and because of the violence in my household I felt the need to leave. I left to live in a different state with a brother I hadn’t lived with in a good ten years. At the time I was dating a boy I felt I was in love with back home, and even though I moved six hours away we stayed together attempting a long distance relationship. Living with my brother was even worse than with my parents. My brother wasn’t violent the way my father had been, but he treated me as though I were nothing but a house maid and nanny. I wasn’t even put into school for almost three months while I was there. I spent all my time cleaning and taking care of his children. Consistently wary of his angry and childish demeanor. If food wasn’t ready when he got home, he’d throw a temper tantrum. If a child cried, tantrum. If someone was watching the t.v. in the main room, the same issue. We constantly needed to be pleasing him by cleaning or cooking to make him happy. After a few months of this, my father and I reconciled and I went back to live with my parents. By this time my boyfriend had moved to live with his mother in another state, due to the bad relationship he’d also had with his father. So now, although I was back, he couldn’t come back, and ironically, he was six hours away. When I got back to my parents’ house, things were different. We were happy and we all tried hard not to anger one another and to empathize more. It worked and we have an amazing relationship now. Now this boy I was dating, before I left, had given me a ring and a promise. And full of naivety, I believed every word of it. We were together for about two years when he cheated on me. I wanted to work things out when I discovered it, but he did not. His excuse was that he felt he didn’t deserve me. It ended last year around April. We continued to keep in contact because, well we loved each other. After two years of everything we went through…we couldn’t just throw what we had away. But in reality he had changed. He wanted only to drink, smoke, and party. And I, am not that kind of a person. I’m an old soul. I would rather entertain myself by sitting with a loved one knitting while they watch t.v., waiting for my cheesecake in the oven to finish. In all honesty that sounds like the perfect evening. So, after about nine months of a demented roller coaster of emotions, I ended things with him permanently. I told him I didn’t want him in my life anymore because we’d grown apart. It was time to move on, and I’m only glad I had the strength to do it. However, this…incident has left me with an inability to be intimate with anyone. Not sexually, I haven’t even attempted to cross that bridge yet, but emotionally. I’ve since met many interested men, but because of how deeply the pain goes from this “breakup” I cannot allow them past the multiple walls I’ve put up. It’s not that I don’t want to. I would love to feel love again. My problem is that I can’t control whether or not they get past the armor. And while I sit in this mindset daily, it strikes me how lovely it would be to have a friend to confide in, and I’m reminded of how…through all that my life has seen over the last three years, friendship was not involved. Not once did I have a friend to help me through all these hardships. I was completely and utterly alone and stay that way, to this day. I’m completely isolated in one of the largest cities in California. And I have no way out. And so, in this empty shell, I go on. I move forward every day full of only apathy. I don’t know what to do. I have no friends and I can’t make any. I feel like my best chance of finding a friend would be to head on over to a local senior center, due to the fact that everyone my age and even slightly older, are only interested in smoking weed and drinking until they black out, or huffing glue, whatever it is they’re doing now a days in their desperate quest to ruin themselves. I can’t love anyone who isn’t family. I’m so tired of hiding behind a smile. I just need someone to save me. Because in all honesty, I’m so very tired of saving myself.
Get in touch with me [email protected]. I’ve become very jaded n jus wouldn’t mind having a friend to talk to sometimes and listen to who can understand.
Hi , i m megha.r. I m single child for my parents and both will work and i in home i feel very alone one one time i feel like sosiding and even in school i don’t have friends and im not much good in studies and i am very much tall i am eight standard and my height is 5.9 which my classmates misunderstand and they will not become my friend and i am not good in sport also please give me some suggestion that how to get friends
Hi , i m megha.r. I m single child for my parents and both will work and i in home i feel very alone one one time i feel like sosiding and even in school i don’t have friends and im not much good in studies and i am very much tall i am eight standard and my height is 5.9 which my classmates misunderstand and they will not become my friend and i am not good in sport also please give me some suggestion that how to get friends
i have no good friends and i feel so lonely in my life because when i see others , why , i have no friend circle like them. i feel dump myself…
i have no friends as well now. it’s not that I can’t people seem to like me but it’s always the drunks and party people. I really want decent friends.true friends not drinking buddies. it just seems that when i get serious and talk about social issues and reading books or drinking coffee they give me that “wtf?” look. where are the book worms, nerds and people who really want to do something special in life for themselves and society?
I really want to find you guys.hahaha.
–www.facebook.com/joconte
i am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. i can empathize with some of what you have expressed, though i think the combination of physical and spiritual/psychic pain must be the worst. perhaps because i am feeling deep grief in my own life, i am moved and am grieved when i hear about the pain of another–in this case, you. i think your accomplishment as a professor is so admirable, and am thankful for your relationship with your family.
it sounds like you need some physical support for your body and mind. i wonder if there is an any kind of college of herbalists near you where you could be treated, or some courses in herbal medicine for lay people where,with classmates, in community, you could get deeper insight into your body and some hope for possible healing. herbal medicine is not too expensive, and in my experience, it can have a good effect.
i also thought maybe you need some kind of connection with the physical world and nature–it refreshes the body and the soul like nothing else, it is full of grace for everyone.
i also wonder if you could try watching a movie called “the visitor”–it is about a professor who is left empty by his job and has no friends. he comes home to his manhattan apartment to find it occupied by squatters, illegal immigrants who were scammed into thinking it was for rent. he does not kick them out immediately, but allows them to stay for a few days, til they find somewhere else to go. the rest of the film is about friendship and what we give to others while we are in need and what they give to us.
i think sometimes all we can do when we suffer is enter in to the suffering of another. my suggestions may not be right for you, but i was really moved and saddened when i read what you had to say, and these are some of thoughts towards you.
i will remember you in my prayers.
wishing you grace,
s.
I don’t think the problems are all happening “this” year in particular. I think Irene’s blog is just more prominent and easier to find when people search online for websites to help solve friendship issues.
I’m a 27 year old black transwoman from Atlanta, GA who is in graduate school with many interests and hobbies. There’s something wrong with me, because it seems like every time I end up in a new friendship or dating relationship. In some shape or form, I always end up getting used by people (both men and women), screwed out of money, or stalked. It’s one of the few reasons, I’ve started to build-up an intense hatred towards people.
Often, I feel like I’m willing and open with people, even strangers, while being very giving and accepting of people. I love going to forums, social events, sporting events, and etc. I’m very sociable, maybe to a fault, though I have my loner tendencies. I love meeting new people in such a big city of diverse people and persuasions. I cannot ever picture myself leaving a metropolis or big city of sorts, unless something catastrophic happens.
It’s weird to me, I’m not a person to judge someone on their appearance, their ethnicity, their economic status, their religion, their body size, or etc. Very rarely, do unless a person is noticeably insane, intoxicated, or my danger alarm is going off. I always find it disturbing how quick people are to judge someone they’ve never met.
When it comes to the type of people I attract, I always attract people who either unstable, very shallow, very judgmental (even about me), often nasty-rude to other people (even children in public) very demanding, (sometimes) temper problem, and sometimes dead-beats or people who already in relationships (dating). The worse cases I’ve been in happened a few weeks ago, when a male acquaintance (the word “friend” is too much of an endearment) was cursing angrily at attendant in front of children.
For some odd reason, I attract ex-cons and maladjusted people sometimes, both men and women. Oftentimes, I hate saying this, it’s typically people in my own race/ethnicity group who do this. I see how the average person can perceive these stereotypes as being systematic for a larger group of people, but you have to be knowledgeable and not make any such conclusions. Though, I must say even these people I befriend or date tend to be more judgmental of me. Some are not understanding of my gender disorder, or sort of make off-handed comments about me physically appearance (Strangers in public have said I’m a very pretty woman, not knowing I was born male).
My ex used to show his displeasure in breast size, and often laughed at what type of hormones I was taking, because they weren’t clearly working to him. What made it worse was he was an overweight, out of work, hairy, smelly, balding drug addict with large glasses who often thought he was a God’s gift to women. People often asked me what was I thinking dating him, when they saw him in appearance or told them some of the stories about how he always put our relationship up for hostage with me not giving him enough money (I’ve found some other nasty deeds of his). Though, I have to say that in reality, society prefers to have people like that in it (as long as they aren’t noticeably stoned), and definitely not people like me.
I’ve had a friend who has said some awful things about LGBT people.
I’ve been uninvited to one Thanksgiving dinner, one Christmas party, a wedding shower, a few gatherings and even at work (I cannot go certain schools because people cannot identify my gender readily – informal complaints and heard stories employers talking behind my back), simply because I am a transsexual. I have had people tell me nicely that, it would be better if I do not come, because some people might be offended by me. Even at the wedding shower of my friend, I didn’t get formally invited or even a returned phone call or email messages. Later, I found out that the groom was uncomfortable with me being there.
Even in my own family, I’m becoming a pariah, especially with my own father. He is consistently obsessed with my status and most of all, my appearance. He finds distaste in me being this way, even when I started to grow my hair out and pierce my ears a couple of years back. He was the main who was upset, and he said that no one would ever want to hire me for a job and most of all, he was upset, because realize I was different or at least gay (in reality I tend to prefer women, because I don’t like dating men in general).
For the most part, I’ve stayed single (and been cautious about new friendships), since my ex broke up with me, which was back in 2010. I’ve found that most men are only after sex, especially with transsexual person (though I attest that most cisgender women often have the same problem). Sometimes, some of these men are looking for a person to subsidize them financially.
Alot of women often find it weird to date a person, like me, not necessarily to be friends with or having and a little more than arms distance relationship, though some women are more apt to get involved, if they think you have money or a little wealth. Again, I’m not making any judgements against any group, just people I’ve met.
It seems like the more nice, weathered people who are more in my age and interests range are all hiding somewhere in some secret club that I will not ever be invited to, because I’m missing something to be a part of their group. Who can I have intelligent or funny conversations with, or not demand too much of. If I am lucky, maybe I could’ve found a really good companion who eventually fell in love with me. At this point, that’s pure fantasy.
People say all you need to be is yourself, or that people like you for who you are and your personality. It’s bullshit, and people know it. People judge for your appearance, what you can do for them, and what type of potential value you can have to them or other people. It would be nice, if people did respect, honor, and empathize with you on a more idealistic plain, but people are just too predatory and exacting.
Before I used to think people who cling to non-human relationships were kind of weird or off-centered, but now I can see why. You don’t have to worry about getting used or emotionally hurt/abused by animal or worse, an inanimate object (like stuffed animal or doll). You do not have to worry about your pets judging you like people do. I’m beginning to think that human relationships are overrated, because you have to work so hard, be very understanding, give alot of compromise, be partial to changing and judgment, fit status quo to even have a chance at slightly less than decent relationships.
Over time, I’ve started to become more unfriendly, less inviting to people, and go out much less often (prefer to stay home alot of times, I always use I don’t have any money excuse). I’m starting to hate myself for alot of reasons. I wish could be like normal person, not such a weirdo (as I have for most of my life). Someone who is attractive to people, loved by their family, especially their parents and not some misunderstood freak of nature. At very least, I wish I could be nice and open hearted, like I used to be. I just can’t with the world we live in.
To be honest, I have contemplated suicide to the point that I was planning how I was going to end my life (wearing a beautiful white summer dress, nice makeup, very power prescription sleeping pills, and going out to a beautiful lake on the country-side). That’s being about two years ago, since I decided not to go that route. If I did end my life, I do not think it would’ve matter a whole lot in in the grand scheme of things.
[email protected]
thanks for saying that, bad things happen to good people.
You said “when you do things for others, God will bless you with some nice friend.” Do you really really really believe this to be true? Honestly? I see no evidence of this in my life at all. I know truly loving people who do things for others all the time. And for reasons I’m not sure, they are not NECESSSARILY blessed with friends. There are also a lot of people who write to this friendship place and say that they don’t have friends. Does that mean NONE OF THEM “do things for others”??? Surely you don’t believe that. I don’t find it helpful or consoling to tell people or tell myself that all I need to do is do nice things for others and BINGO! God will give me a friend. That’s just not realistic. Now, having faith in God, or getting strength from God … okay, okay, I get that. If that’s your choosing. But please, don’t tell people that they would have a friend courtesy of God if only they would do nice things for people. That’s kind of hurtful to the people who DO do nice things and yet still don’t have friends. See?
Hey that’s very much like me. I do cry often out of the blue just because sometimes the loneliness get too acute. I don’t know if I over-react. But yea, I feel extremely lonely and left out. Luckily though, I have my piano as my best companion. I do not know if I will ever find anyone who really like and love me. I hope the very best for you …
At least you have hair, my daugher had alopecia areata and lost all her hair twice. I know it must be really hard for you and I don’t know which would be worse to have too much hair or none.
I am so sorry you feel this way. You sound like a wonderful person. I wish I lived close to you, I would be your friend. I’m always looking for someone to go to lunch with or to go shopping. Maybe you should do something for an elderly person, they are so lonely. It would make you feel good about your self and help someone. Also, I think when you do things for others God will bless you with some nice friend.
Living in chronic pain is pure anguish. Given how you are feeling, it seems like you could benefit from a complete evaluation of your physical and mental problems, and the medications you are currently taking.
Better pain control would be a priority as well as treatment for your depression. Even though, you haven’t received relief in the past, clinicians have a variety of tools in their arsenal.
Do you live near an academic medical center? Perhaps, you could start with a consult at the Department of Psychiatry and take it from there?
Having a career, a happy marriage, and three children are significant accomplishments. That you feel the way you do suggests you may be seriously depressed.
Hope you will follow-up with this suggestion.
Warm regards, Irene
I am a 52 year old college professor who has no friends (I did at one time have several). I suffer from high blood pressure, kidney problems, non-diabetic neuropathy in both feet (getting a decent night’s sleep is impossible) and I have a back so bad that I want to scream and cry out in anguish 24/7. I have three children and a happy marriage.
I have many financial pressures that alone have me contemplating suicide 24/7. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I have done in my life that I am proud of and I live in fear of total disaster at home and work every minute of every day.
I know I suffer from serious depression but I have been treated before it previously without any discernible positive outcome. I have so many doctors that I see and pills I take that it is insane.
I am at a loss of what to do and who to turn to.
Yes, you are right about the abuse of prescription drugs….the good ol’ days were a simpler time…but with all this technology and everything/everyone moving so fast, it is hard to keep up. Everything seems so impersonal and cold. There is no privacy anymore – it is all posted on Facebook, etc. If we are upset with someone, we send an email or text first and think about it later.
WOW! Eight pages of replies. Thought I was the only one. Very similar situation with friends and family. Thought about getting therapy about this. I try to keep things moving, but it eventually starts to wear down on you
like a heavy set of weights with no spotter in sight. How does one move beyond this if you can’t identify what’s wrong and those who are your “friends” or family fail to communicate what is wrong or what they dislike about you that causes them to distance themselves from you leaving one in a state of disconnect? This situation feels like building a house your whole life only to have the foundation disappear once you get settled in.
WOW! Eight pages of replies. Thought I was the only one. Very similar situation with friends and family. Thought about getting therapy about this. I try to keep things moving, but it eventually starts to wear down on you
like a heavy set of weights with no spotter in sight. How does one move beyond this if you can’t identify what’s wrong and those who are your “friends” or family fail to communicate what is wrong or what they dislike about you that causes them to distance themselves from you leaving one in a state of disconnect? This situation feels like building a house your whole life only to have the foundation disappear once you get settled in.
Hey there ‘can’t make friends’, feel free to drop me an EMAIL sometime [email protected] .
me too! people treat me badly too, no matter how nice i am to them.. it sucks but i think we have to love ourselves the most, keep ourselves busy with some new hobbies, good luck everyone!
hello everyone, im a 35f,
im exactly feeling the same way, its always me who starts any communication, buy them things, bringing food, teach their kids, help them in anyway that i can whenever they need me, but when they do some fun stuff together they dont ever bother to invite me.. it hurts so much but there is nothing i can do to change them, i have other groups of people that want to be friends with me but i dont like them, looks like im wanting something that i cant have, and that can make people feel very lonely. its hard because the group of people that i really like live just across the street so whenever they do some get together i will know, i used to just suck it all up and just join them but nowadays i feel like giving up because they dont really care about me, i know that, it must be me, i dont have the best communication skills, i have low self esteem, people tend to use me and will turn to me whenever they need help or just a shoulder to cry on, now i think i had enough, im going to learn to say no, im gonna start to learn to love myself, find new hobbies that will keep me busy, maybe they just dont deserve me. wish me luck!
I didn’t know there were so… many lonely people! Now I don’t feel that I am the only one who’s going through this.
i am so happy i found this site.
If you want to chat I’m always here because I think I have experienced a little to much yet in my life. so let’s chat
hey, i prefer to stay anonymous but i knw how u feel. when we get to these terrible stages in our life, we feel we have nobody to turn to. If you feel you need to talk, I am here. i myself have nobody to talk to. In some means, I fell i sufer from Paranoia. I lost both my parents, taking on a good job and live with my grandmother. I basically have no social life besides here at work, that’s about it.
Respond if u need to talk
Hey its like I read my life on ur blog I’m about to turn 21 and I have cried because of this problem asked myself why can’t I have three best friends two shit one … It’s sad I hate it .. I have family but even my sister says you need someone else instead of family to talk to. But idk maybe one day well have a great group who’ll be long life friends we just have to wait.. Even tho I been saying that for a long time now but never give up.
I am 43 (will be 44 this weekend), that’s thy me story of my life, just keep getting older (thank God) but still. I had a disabling car accident over 20 years ago. Haven’t had a real friend since then, yes it is hard to swallow. I just don’t know how to adjust to life as a, “different person. Any ideas would help.
Scott
[email protected]
Thanks
I have read a lot of comments and it reinforces what I already knew. We basically want to be part of the herd and that is in our genes. But he human condition can be a barrier e.g., resentment, fear, ego, selfishness, pride, etc. We all want to love ad be loved. I have few friends and have always been that way. I was lonely, even in a crowd. I have had many friends that have come and gone. I have few now, and am content being alone and savor the companionship of my beloved dogs. They are always there for me and totally depend on me for their well being, and give me so much in return. I am content and am a busy individual. I am well liked by some, disliked by othes. I have experienced success and failure. I have learned to love myself and have developed faith that God has my back. This was the turning point in my life. Thoreau said that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. That was true for me but no longer is. I would say what worked for me was finding out that God does love me and has a personal interest in my well being and happiness. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My mom was in a mental institution and drowned in a lake across the highway from the hospital , when I was three years old.She was 24 at teh time of her death. My dad drank a lot and could not take care of me and my only brother, we were raised in an orphange and passed from one foster home to another. Physical and emotional abuse were our companions. I was a lost soul most of my adult life, till I found that God has my back. now,I am content and untouchable. Develop the gift of faith, learn to love yourself, help another, and stay grateful, and know that no matter what you do or think, God will always accept you back and watch over you. Lonliness and bewilderment will no longer haunt you. This I say through experience, not teachings.
Dear all, i am also lonely…none likes me or love me..i have big burden in my heart..reply if some one have a heart to hear me.
you are so fabulous. I am going to do some of the things you said and hopefully feel better. Thank you.
U
I’ve never seen a thread like this before.
So many people I know online are people who are desperate to find real friends and in this forum (I am one of them. I’m having trouble myself looking for friends)
But why is all of it happening THIS year?
I’ve never heard so many depressed people in my life..
Same here sounds like my life reading your story. Tons of friends in high school some of which I pulled away from becuase of things that we were getting into some I kept in touch with but not many. University group assignment friends and nothing more. Their friend from high schools wedding thought for sure I would be in wedding we were still very close but nothing more so I was just a helper. Smh ! Ive dropped alot of friends as I began to grow as a person, I did grow up and mature faster then them having children and all but even with the friend maybe two friends I have now I still feel like im the one who has to set stuff up just to get together or I’m only contacted when something is needed.
I drink with friend maybe a little too ugh sometimes and I don’t take drugs
20
My friends all r different regions , I am not relations but that will not change who your friends are
How old r u now
Do u drink take drugs ?!?
Hannah
Everyone is alone at one point I was personally bullied when I was 6-17 but I always has someone just try talk sometimes they might say go alway my best mate did that to me at the start just let them get to know u and hopefully they will start Inviting u to all these great things
I am only 21 years of age, but i am the same way. Ive always had a really hard time with making friends. I always make the initiative to hang out or make a get together happen, and sometimes it does, and like you said “then nothing” People make plans without me and they have fun and dont really make the effort to call and see if id like to join. Im not sure what it is about me but i am friendly, i am caring, sometimes yes i like to be alone and i dont really mind being alone but sometimes i want to curl up and cry because if i were to feel really sad or want to talk to someone, there isnt anyone that would pick up or would make the effort to talk to me. I am nice to people, i go out of my way to help them, i try to plan fun activities, i am drug free and someitmes ill have a glass of wine with some “friends” however when it comes to having close friends….i never really had one. When i did have a close friend there would always be a small reason i didnt want to be friends with them anymore over or they just werent so loyal to me and were kind of, well “fake” I work at abercrombie and i see the other girls hug each other and ask each other to meet up and they go and have girls nights but no one ever really does that to me and no one makes that notion of lets hang out and then goes through with it. Im a loner and im starting to get tired of it, everyone i know has good friends, and im alone.
i have raised 3 girls, always have been active and single. but now i dont work,married and kids are grown….I have serious back problems…which people only bug for the meds i get….but no other reason.l give and give and listen and care, but these people only call when they want something. and if i dont or cant do it, they get mad….what kind of friends is that.
Here are my advices:
1. For starters, know yourself better. Find your faults within yourself and see whether you can deal with them or not. (e.g. Do not be too nice as in know when to show your not nice side)
2. Study the behavior and so on of those you want to be friends with. Do not get blinded or manipulated if you can help it. And obviously, are they worth being friends with?
3. Money is usually the cause of trouble especially when it comes to business, friendship, relationship, etc. It is not what makes the world go round. It is love that makes the world go round. Because of love, that is what makes you get yourself to earn the money to help those you want to help or care for. Tell this to people who are too stubborn to understand.
4. Do not get blinded by ‘perfect friends’, ‘perfect friendship’ and anything perfect. It is all about satisfaction. Even if your ideal friend is ‘perfect’, what about you? That friend of yours will not last long with you so do not get blinded by ‘perfection’. No one and nothing is perfect in this current world and they never will be. If they are, will we still have kidnappers? What about murderers? What about gangsters? What about war? Tell this to stubborn people as well.
5. Do not get too clingy to people or be too nosy. Again, there are people who hate these kind of traits. Control yourself if you can.
6. Do not care about those who think you are weird or whatever when you are not into alcohol, smoking, bad drugs, swearing or whatever. These people are not worth your time, trust me. Even if they have their bad pasts or so. However, if you can change/reform these people, good luck. I am looking forward to a world without these nonsenses.
7. There are more than one way to achieve happiness. The loner way or the social way. As long as you are happy and satisfied, it does not matter which way. Just try to know how and whether they are right or wrong and you will be fine.
8. If you cannot make friends physically, then make your own ones mentally. Draw out characters on paper and pretend that they are real. Trust me. Such people who do this are rare and they can survive until now, me being one of them. Be friends with such a person if you get the chance to as he or she will understand you best.
9. Internet friends are usually much more comforting than those in the outside world. Much better than having no friends at all. Trust me. Your heart makes friends, not you yourself. As in you make friends mentally, not physically.
10. Do not be afraid of those kind of people who introduced their friends to you. You will never know that their friends might actually support you behind the scenes and come to you one day. Note that you must always have evidences. Gossips and rumors hurt. Comparing your recorded conversations with your so called friend who is in the wrong vs. You having no evidences to use against rumors and gossips spreaded about you. Trust me. Evidences and proofs are usually your friends more than enemies. Be sure to have more than one copy if it is a recorded conversation or a secret video. Taking pictures also helps. This may sound stupid but seriously. Do you like fake rumors and gossips about you flying around? Think about it.
I would say more but that is all for now. Just think about it.
I’m not the person who posted about pills, but I could add my two cents if you don’t mind. The abuse of prescription drugs is unbelievable. Probably not high blood pressure meds. LOL. But you know, people abuse antidepressants, antianxiety meds, meds for ADD, etc. And people take pain pills for legitimate physical pain and then get hooked. I say let’s go back to the good old days when people just smoked pot.
What kind of pills are you talking about? Most people, especially as we age, need a pill for something; i.e. high blood pressure, cholesterol, anti-depressants. Taking medication does not make you a bad person; the pills are supposed to help you. So, you cannot judge someone because they “do pills”.
I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, and I don’t date. I’m focus on my college education. It’s hard for meet good friends because everyone I meet does pills or everyone that wants to hang out with me does pills. This has been going on for me a very long time. It started when I was in high school and has continued for me in college now. I did volunteering and everyone I met there was on probation. I do have one good friend but she lives in a different state as me. How can I meet good friends that don’t do pills and that are clean?
I’m a straight laced and it’s hard for me to meet people that not into pills or everyone I meet does pills. How can I meet people who don’t do pills?
Sorry Girlfriend I just now saw your posting. Truth is that was the first time I ever found this site thru a google search and I was feeling blue so I added a post about how I was feeling. I decided to look and see if anyone posted and felt the same. So here I am. I don’t have a lot of extra time to spend on-line as this is the first time I’ve gotton back to the site. I read some of the posts and I still think the lack of friends being drawn to us is a lot to do with charisma that spawns people’s interest in us. I’m not very witty. You know how some people can tell a joke and it will be so funny and you want to be around them but if someone else tells it, it’s not so funny and kind of dumb. That is charisma at work or not at work in my case LOL!!!. Anyway not to harp on that too much as that is something you are born with and can’t do much about. So we do the best we can with what we have. I believe that God created us all unique individuals and with a purpose. I also believe that when you’re feeling blue that you should count your blessings. I also believe that you should give of yourself and always offer a smile. I notice people are always interested in my praise or positive feedback because I give it with confidence as it comes from the heart. Now on the other hand when I try to strike up a conversation I have no confidence and that is when I notice people are ready to walk away! Hope I am not babbling too much. My thoughts are a little random because I am trying to hurry with this post. I would love to be your friend and just remember that when you are feeling lonely and that noone cares that God cares for you more than you will ever know because he created you.
Is it facial hair? Hirsutism.? I think if someone has a drawback to their looks they can definitely make up for it by obtains social skills that attract people. Start by smiling then move on by asking. “Hi, How re you doing?”. And keep smiling! People like personalities more than anything else!
hi I don`t have friendk I have been work for 13 years but
Now I have one years old dough. When I leav my job
I feel lony and I don’t have friend. I had but I lost them
Becaeus of my job but knew I am so unhappy.
If s/b give me advice I will please
Thank u for listean me
what about hairy women. can we still make friends? I feel like when I go out in public people shun me.. so maybe I fall into the disability category? I’m not disgustingly hairy. I do groom myself, but I feel people can see hair under the skin.. so I don’t hang out with old friends or try to talk to people. Do you dislike hairy women? Can hairy women lead positive normal social lives?Thanks
I know exactly what you mean. All of my relationships with girls through high school and now at uni just seem to be made of (your word) “fluff”. It was worse during high school my ‘friends’ just never seemed mature enough. They would gossip and love tv shows like Big Brother and Jersey Shore, I just never felt I could relate to them on that level. I realise now looking back that perhaps 1 of the reasons I couldn’t relate to them caring about such things was because at the time I had bigger problems. I was being physically and emotionally abused at home by my older junkie brother. I can’t even count the amount of times he would break into my room, steal my stuff to hock for drug money or spit in my face for taking a sip of “his” Pepsi in the fridge. Not to mention I couldn’t even watch things on the tv unless my brother let me 1st (I’m sure you can guess his decision). My mother is also Schizophrenic and forgets things easily, I had to deal with her being in and out of a mental institutions, sometimes for a year or more, since I was 12. So I guess chatting about fluff just wasn’t a concern for me and I think it made me more of an outcast. It also probably doesn’t help that I have trust issues, I don’t open up with anyone unless I know I can definitely trust them, though I know I’m a nice person. I’ve been told so many times how I’m really nice and that I have a good sense of humour (I think laughing is important in life). If I ever lost a friend it wasn’t because I had a fight with them or even that they had a problem specifically with me. Mostly I think it’s just because I’m not memorable enough that I don’t have friends. I guess I’m just that ‘nice girl’ in the background that people can forget. Or maybe I’m the one pushing them away?…
Your post just reminded me, a lot of me – plus I also think going to Alaska would be awesome. It’s on my must-do-list!
x
You make a good point, friendship shouldn’t feel forced – like you should want to spend time with the person without feeling it is something that you are forced to do. Friendship is supposed to be an enjoyable relationship but I think people forget this part sometimes and want you spend time listening complain and verbally insult, which is not enjoyable.
m niharika patel.nd i m gng to 17 years on this 16 may.nd i so much lyk ur typs lovely frd.u can cntc on my id [email protected] but plz cntc on facebook not yahoo.bcoz some prblms in my yahoo id so nwdys i cnt open it.ok….m waiting for ur reply
Nashville area girls respond to this post!!!
I have no friends and having a really hard time with and have been. All I have are my two babies husband and mom but I want that special girl friend I can call and chat with or go out with and have a good time. Any body from the Nashville area?
Being homebound sure makes it more difficult to make friends. Is there any support group associated with the hospital? Can they connect you with someone else in a similar situation?
It’s so great that you have access to the internet because it opens up a whole new way to connect with people.
You might also check in to whether there are online forums or support groups for others waiting for the same type of transplant as you.
My best wishes to you on Mother’s Day.
Irene
You are 18 and that means a whole life time to meet people and have situations to find friends. It also means you have a ton of energy to make the effort to go out and just do things in this world which in turn will open up possibilities for meeting potential friends. So don’t despair. But please know I can relate completely to what you are saying, though am much older than you. You are right that the absence of communication is difficult. That’s why so many people go to the internet and find forums for talking. I also think too many are addicted to their devices. Instead of making eye contact and small talk with strangers or acquaintances, people plug in to their devices and scroll endlessly to whatever is on their smart phone screen. You no longer have brief, friendly chit chat with people on elevators with whom you work or live, because their ears are plugged up and their head is bent over their screens. It is antisocial and truly frightening to me that this is considered acceptable and even normal behavior. It is not. It is ignoring your fellow human beings and the world around you. As evidenced by other postings on this very site, it also decreases one’s ability to type even a basic communication that is not littered with errors and abbreviations, making it hard to read.
I sympathize with your situation and I’m sure many people here do too. I have to gently tell you, though, that your communication skills when you write here on this blog need to be improved. You seem to be typing in “text speak” and it’s hard to read. “ppl” means “people”?? This is annoying to read a posting that is filled with these abbreviations and other errors. I know this is “the way it is these days” with EVERYONE UNDER THE SUN texting, tweeting and the like. But it seriously hinders your communication skills. I would ask you and everyone to please try to spell out words here (people, not ppl) and not treat this blog site like one smart phone screen. It’s to your benefit to communicate clearly and fully. I’m not at all wanting to read an entry where I have to strain to deciper every abbreviation. Again, I’m telling you this as a kind suggestion.
thanks Irene for providing the opportunity that we could share our experience here, hioefully someday we can invite you to the event and meet youn in person.
regards
I have posted this by myself, hope someone could respind and help, I am also the one who r trying organize the getting together to help each other, u can contact me at [email protected]
Dear All
I have an idea, since ppl who have been viewing this blog might all sharing the same feeling, everyone wanna an aswer, but why don’t we find a time to get together, to help each other to identify the reason,or we might can see what’s wrong with us through each other?
I am in London now? anyone fancy to have drinks some day after work?
please email me at [email protected], if there are more than 10ppl are interested to come, I cannorganize this.
Regards
I have very good communications skills, and doing very good in business, I am a very nice and tolerant person, ppl admire me andnlove me when they have a first couple of communications with me, but they wont contact me afterwards, i have organized a couple of drinks, ppl coming, but then they all in hot discussion, but i am the one left out and they dont invite me when they have events. why????
I have date a lots if guys before, i am very reply on other ppl to please me, i like them chasing me around, and surprise me, and make me happy, i think thaa has make me fell in the circle that never make effort to approach them ,but with girls, i have been trying, just no payoff,,, my ex bf said i wanna ppl to beg me to help me, i never ask ppl for help even i need, when i think it over, its true, i used to the pattern that other ppl make the first move, but with girls, i wanna make gf, but it always seems that they have other options other than having me as their friends
.
pls advise
I’m 25, with no friends. During my high school I use to have a group of frien, we used to sit together during and used to go home together as we were living at the same area, I found myself being the one who always keep in touch by visiting & communicating with them by phone, none of them would return “the favour”. During their birth day I would buy gifts for them but when my birth I won’t receive a simple a birth day message never mind a gift. During my years at university it was worse, it took me six months to make friends actually I wouldn’t say they were friends because we meet at school and for the sake of group assignments and for the sake of not being lonely at campus. One of my closed friend invited me to her wedding last year, at the reception I felt left out, there speeches by grooms’ friends, when it was a turn for brides’ friends to do speeches I was hurt I wasn’t regarded as a friend, my name was not written on the program. Being alone I find it ok sometimes but the are times when you a friend opinion / advise/ a shoulder to cry on
That’s how it was for me in middle school too. I had acquaintances. People I’d label ‘friends’, but never hung out with any of them outside school except for 1, but it was rare.
I can’t make friends either. People never stick around for some reason. I’ve been trying to figure it out for the longest,and I think I may have it figured out, but I’m not sure. I think I just get forgotten easily. Like, everyone else is busy with their ‘social lives’,and me, well, I have no social life,so if I have just one or two friends, I can put more attention on them, unlike them, they can’t/don’t ,because like I said, they have social lives.
It would be nice to have a true friendship, but that’s asking for too much these days, plus, I gave up on the effort awhile ago. I was a bit wishy washy when I originally gave up, but it’s been official for awhile. When I used to try to be friends with people, I used to think they were taking it the wrong way, like I liked them. I remember asking one guy for his cell number,and I assume he thought I was hitting on him (i kind of was) and he only replied to 2 of my messages. EDITED BY MODERATOR TO DELETE PROFANITY
Loneliness is truly increasing. I’m 18,and I have no friends either. It’s been like this for years,and getting used to the solitude part takes awhile, but the absence of communication is quite unbearable sometimes. Sometimes, I just want someone to talk to. It’s sad to see this happening to our society,and I really don’t get it why so many becoming friendless these days. Kind of sad…
i feel like i understand re. the spell. i wont’ talk about what i’ve been through but it does often feel like i have had some bad karma when it comes to love and family and relationships. i don’t think being the loving, caring, loyal one is a help in this. yes i agree people use and then don’t reciprocate. i also agree family can be the ones to hurt you the most. i wonder if there is some truth in the idea that we attract some kind of bad experiences into our lives. i think it starts very young. we are in a family in the position as helper, supporter of others, even from a child. we prop others up like our parents. we cop a lot of flack and never feel understood. our feelings are ignored. then by the time we are adults we are set in this way of supporting others feelings, caring, yet not being cared for. how do we turn this around. it takes time. the awareness that it has happened is the first step. avoiding narcissistic people is difficult. there are a lot of them. they might come into contact with us and keep us around because we can’t help giving them what they need. i for one am a harmony maker. i smooth things over. i make things nice for everyone. because of this i cop abuse sometimes but it is not as bad as it used to be. somehow we need to bring other loving, kind, loyal, giving people into our lives, and give the narcissists a wide steer. tolerance is another thing. anyway. i wish you all the best and really do hope you receive the love and caring you give to others.
to all these here i’d say try to love yourself more! it is amazing how easily people are convinced someone is worth knowing because that person thinks they are great. i don’t mean being totally arrogant – though those people seem to do quite well also, but just boost yourself up as much as you can before you go out to a social thing. smile, or pout, or swagger, or whatever it is that you do when you stand and sit like you are lovable and interesting. make an effort with your appearance, or go with a sloppy style that you are very comfortable with. whatever it is, put on your ‘i am interesting’ suit. then go out there and be that person who people want to talk to and listen to. i have worked in customer service for years so frankly i can’t be bothered with that most of the time when it comes to going out now, but i know it has worked in the past. feeling revved up before leaving the house is a big help, … be really optimistic. the only problem with this advice is although it will work on the night it won’t help you make friends in the long run if you aren’t usually outgoing or upbeat. it isn’t who you really are. so the people you meet that night or on those occasions just assume you are confident and don’t need them to initiate or invite them to join there thing, when in fact maybe a little nurturance and support is just what you want or need.
i enjoyed your post. just keep doing what you are interested in. sounds like you are self-entertaining anyway. and you are here sharing your thoughts. never mind blaming anything OCD or introversion or whatever, just know that 90% of the population has an IQ of only 110 – and thats average. so fluff it is. fluff lfuff and puff. lipstick and nails, or cars and loud speakers, or gossip. it is not easy having half a brain. but the more you learn and apply yourself and find the things you are passionate about, the more people you will bump into who also are thinking about things that matter to you. just some little connection can be enough reason to stay and talk a while, meet again, swap numbers or add to fb whatever. it’l happen.
i think that you are right to a point but also very cynical. once when i was studying sociology i came across these terms intrinsic and extrinsic regarding friendships. but i thought all friendships are about ‘what you can get out of it’ that is extrinsic, not the value of the friendship itself. but i would say to you don’t give up completely. sure be a realist, but also be an optimist. why? because it is possible to just ‘like’ someone and thats why you want to hang out. yes because you both feel better going to see the movie sitting side by side than sitting alone, but also because you feel even better sitting beside that person as opposed to other people. because you have something in common with them, or you see the world from a similar perspective, or hope for the same future more or less… or something like that.
i raised two children on my own, and it was easy to get caught up doing things for them, even as teenagers they were the focus of my life… as was my home and making everything nice and harmonious. when i was married i spent most of my free time with my partner. and the same was true if i started a new relationship. so sometimes i think i am a partner kind of person and not so much a friends person – unfortunately my relationships havn’t worked out long term ever since my divorce. i totally agree about the partying thing. if you’re not up for bands and drinking and socialising in an exciting and upbeat way etc. it is not easy to find people to hang out with. i moved to a new town so it’s even trickier now – i sometimes go back to where i was living just so i can see family and catch up with people over coffee to ease my aloneness. i love spending time in peace and quiet alone. i really treasure it. but i also crave genuine yet intelligent and interesting like-minded friendships. i think my ideals are quite difficult to meet. and i am easily hurt sometimes, or disappointed, as well as easily tired by people hammering on about negative stuff. i do have some friends in the town where i was living before, but they aren’t always loyal or trustworthy, and they don’t often initiate contact (so i totally understand as well). even when i do catch up wtih them i’m not as close or connected to them as i could be. some of my newer friends there, and very recent friends here are better than the older ones i’ve known for years – even though i still don’t know many people at all who initiate contact with me – this makes me hopeful because it’s not just about having a past together or shared experiences. i think it does matter who you make friends with and why you want the friendship. thats what i would add to all these comments. it really is important to know why you want to be closer to people. it’s like any relationship – you have to match. some people just want to gossip, some to party, some to socialise with groups and show off their new shoes, or cooking skills, or talk up their latest career move, their latest house extension etc. some people are propped up by being surrounded by others who adore them. not that we don’t all love a bit of positive attention, but if you don’t get into adoring others, or buying fancy clothes and shoes, or have enough money to show off about what you do with it, they might find you boring and visa versa. if it’s genuine connection, trust, and lasting friendship you, I, or anyone else here is looking or longing for, then i think a great deal of perseverance and patience is required. and to try to stay positive and just keep on doing the things that interest and matter to you/me / her him etc., and hopefully we will come into contact with the right sort of people who do have time for us. because i agree with your comment that people are busy, and they do already have family, and friends, and a life. but somehow, we have to matter to them. to someone. who knows how that happens? i guess we just wait and see?
Friendship should felt without forcing. Why am I forcing myself? How much I try, its difficult. Pls advise. Thank you
Please speak to someone at the college counseling center tomorrow! It sounds like you are very depressed and that often makes it hard to be with other people. The stress of college may have exacerbated some of these feelings—this happens tp many students, even those without a history of abuse. Sometimes I’m confident that you will feel better speaking to someone who understands. Seeking help can make a real difference.
My best, Irene
I am a college student too, one year older than you. I’ve been through hard times also, i’ve been thinking about ending it all. But now i think i overcomed those problems and all on my own, without help from anyone, just internet. If you want to talk you can find me at spiderwsa@yahoo(dot)com. We can talk about a lot of things. This can be very usefull for me too.
Sorry for my bad english, i am from Europe and i’m learning it right now.
Im a 21 year old university student and i have always had problems with keeping friends. When i was in high school not having any friends never really bothered me, sure i had acquaintances that id chill with at school but we never really hung out school premises. When i was in grade 11 i made a friend and we turned out to be very close, we’d go shopping together, partying, drinking, i trusted her a lot hey she was like the sister i never had. Only to find out in our 1st year of university that she has always had a crush on me. I was confused at 1st u knw like, she never came across as being gay, she had boyfriends and so did I and we’d talk about our boyfriends to each other. She told me about how she really felt, while she knew that i had a boyfriend whom i genuinely was in love with. I felt so lied to but then again i felt for her u knw, i mean she was a good friend no doubt. I made a few friends through her. But then after her confrontation she changed and started being a bit bossy and rude towards me almost like i would be zero if it wasn’t for her being in my life. I can’t make friends, i always always made friends through her and sometimes she’d remind me that the people iv met through her arent really my friends but hers. I tried visting them but then they never really came over to my place without her and that was when i realised that she was right; they werent really my friends. Being the only girl at home with such a small family and cousins that you arent close with can sometimes make you have questions. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, my its because im reserved and not outgoing too much, i dont know. I had a close friend that i made on campus but she too left me because i wasn’t too religious enough for her i guess. Now all i ever do is, go to campus, come back home, do my assignments, watch some tv and sleep – that’s my daily routine. I miss my friend, despite her bossiness and everything i miss the fun we had together.
I”m in highschool and I’ve never had friends except maybe once but that was it. I use wonder why I couldn’t make friends. I knew that I was very caring, funny and kind. I’m not the rude type and can really understand other people. I thought I was doing something wrong and I would come home crying every day. I got to the point that I was depressed and felt like ending my life at that moment. But a new light shined on me. I realized that no one is mean. I also began to ask myself, “who am I?” what is my social identity/ character? It seemed like an easy question to me.. but I couldn’t answer it! I ‘realized that I need to declare myself what type of person I am so those type of friends matching my energy would attract to me. It’s the law fo attraction. Don’t care what other’s think about you. Positive aura attracts positive people. If I kept saying “I don’t have friends” then I’m sending the signal that I really don’t have friends. I need to create my future and just allow myself to become who I really am. But finding the social/ true nature of yourself is the hard part.. Learning how to communicate and respond artfully and in a confidant way is also the key. I came to know that this reduces your stress and anxiety. Responding in your own way is what defines you as a person. Unless you explicitly say, “this is the kind of person I am” then you’ll most likely attract the right friends. I came to know that pretending to be something is not right. My only deepest question is.. how to express your entire potential through your character? I feel like all types of characters describe me because I”m the type of person who judges too much, but has trouble making decisions. I feel like I’m everybody.
I know I have to stand up for my beliefs and protect myself, yet exercise social abilities and basic confidence. You need basic social ability and identity( like in a video game), then come friends. Become the friend you want and don’t expect from others. Don’t feel bad if they move away from you. Maybe they aren’t the type of friend meant for you. Don’t ever say it’s your fault. Love yourself. Look in the mirror and say your beautiful and that I forgive this body for any past abuse, self judgements, or dislike. I’m accepting myself and others the way they are. I know everyone has flaws and is trying to achieve a better life like me. That’s all I have to say.
Not sure what changed in school I always had group of people, in high school I had two groups of friends only few really close. But then after hs it just dropped off, which sucks because my brother still hangs out with all of his hs friends. I became friends with one of my roommates for awhile and joined in activities more with his friends but when he moved out so did that social network. Recently I was in relationship for 2 years and she was my best friend it didn’t really bother me not having anyone else but she had her own friends as well. Now shes found someone new and I’ve lost my girlfriend and my best friend, which was my fault I should have tried harder. I hang out with some old friends time to time but I’m usually inviting myself. I get along with my male co workers and guys I play basketball with but never really been able to turn friendship. To degree I worry if I ask if they wanna do something that they will turn me down and then I gotta see em down the road again. Honestly I don’t remember how I made friends with the friends I had in school like all I remember was they were my friends. I don’t remember thinking about it or trying to find people with like interest or worrying if I was annoying or doing something wrong it just happened.
I hope everything will get better soon..just don’t give up your hopes..even I don’t have friend either..but me still not giving up my hope yet..I still trust that one day sure I will get a proper friend..
Believe me, you’re not an alien.
I think if you’re a genuine person, and you try to be a good friend by actively listening, shifting your attention to others, etc….Maybe the problem is with the other person, not you.
Things that may effect their attention:
-Wrong timing
-their “super social”, so they have to ignore you, to make eye contact with every “passer-byer”.
-they wanted the “quick” version
-they really don’t care
-they are pre-occupied with other things
-their humans (not perfect) who are possibly clue-less about how to politely communicate
Don’t give up (i’m speaking to myself too). Learn by their examples…you will become a better friend because you know how it feels to feel ignored, devalued, etc. Hope that helps…It helps me keep going.
Are you trying to make friends with the wrong people?
I know that feeling too. I was a healty, active lady in my 40′s to early 50′s when I was hit with an illness that put me on an organ transplant list.. All my friends seemed to just fade away, and then, my husband got transfered to another state and we had to move. We now live in a rural area, and I am homebound. I feel very alone. My husband works all the time to mke up my lost income, and when he is home he just wants to relax in front of the TV and not talk. He eats his dinner and is aleep within 30 minutes.
I had looked forward all day to have another human to talk to, but, that never happens. Lost in Texas with not a soul in sight. Sometimes I wish I had never woke up when I went to the hospital, but, O have my grandchildren to think about who live 4 states away. Thanks for listening, I may have better listeners here than at home.
I just read your post and I’m very concerned about your suicidal thoughts. If you are truly feeling like you are about to harm yourself , PLEASE get yourself to the nearest emergency room or student counseling center at your school asap.
I am a 20 year old college student who was verbally and emotionally abused by my father since I was 15 years of age. He would treat my brother and sister so nicely and would do absolutely anything for them whilst completely ignoring my existance when he wasnt threatening me or yelling at me. This may not make sense i’m sorry my family is messed up. I could go on forever about this but the main gist is that before the abuse I was a happy high schoolk student with 2 best friends and a lot of friends. As time went on it just seemed I couldn’t keep these friends and had major trouble developing friendships. I have no one to talk to and sometimes i’m ok with that. Would my experiences have had a major affect on me? I am so depressed now and just feel like ending it all
I feel the same ~ half way through college… Let’s be friends?
I have a disability and struggle with many of the points of discussion addressed here. I’m actually very personable; however, there are times when I’m not myself and become withdrawn. It is not intentional but I feel having a disability can play a valid role in the importance of friendships. I can either work or it can’t work. It depends on the committment and efforts of both parties involved. Don’t post comments to insult. Either help or keep it moving. Your comments were careless in thought.
I’m trying to hold back my tears. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I have made close friendships with poeple, but then it has only lasted a while. I honestly dont start nonsense or problems with my friends. I love to go out with them and ill chill always and we will have fun but after a few months they end up doing something that breaks up the friendship. This is so silly but now i’m bawling my eyes out. The latest thing was my friend started being rude to me and then all of a sudden accused me of owing her money and I thought it was illogical cause I REALLY didnt and then thats it. Over. Then she persuaded another friend to stop talking to me and I wasnt invited to a Bday party. Before one girl said i didnt apologize for something that didnt affect her (really it affected me not her) and she persuaded 3 other friends to stop being my friend. I’m so chill with my friends and i will be there for them but nothing lasts! I’ve come so close to believing certain friends of mine were best friends but really they end up doing something against me and usually in a group too. I’ve just come to think that maybe i’m not meant to have friends. and it kills me cause I feel so isolated sometimes. This is the first time ive opened up about this but after so many bottled up feelings I couldnt help myself. I use to hate telling my friends about my feelings and asking for opinions and all i would get was “”idk…yeah idk what you should do……..” I genuinely feel people have chosen to purposely not care about me. I’m really tempted to now just become a total introvert because I am not meant for having proper friendships and i probably dont deserve to have a best friend either.
OMG you are so right!!!! NO ONE could have said it better!!!!!!
Im 31 yrs old & i dont have friends either & i understand where your coming from.
whats ur name?
I totally understand where you all are and its so hurtful to feel this way. What happens to me is that i am the friend in need until they get a boyfriend and then i become invisible. I used to have loads of “friends” until i had my 2 daughters. Then when i couldnt go out partying anymore all of a sudden my friends disappeared.. I think maybe we do attract users because we are kind hearted women who try and see the best in the people we have chosen to care about, ignoring the tell tale signs. Maybe we are the better ones because we would never leave someone friendless and feeling unloved. I have no family and admit that now i have some serious trust issues when it comes to female friends as i am ultimately now overly wary and maybe expecting the worst based on past experiences. Sometimes a person can be in a room filled to the brim with people and still feel lonely. Its hard for me to admit i feel lonely but i do. Theres one thing to love your children and another to only ever see them. I have plenty of hobbies but sometimes i feel it would be nice to see my friends. I always do my best to make sure the people i care about are well however i often wish that they would do the same with me. I suppose that i am not an important thing in their lives now and they have other things to care about and whilst i accept that, i still get annoyed when they ring me out of the blue only to ask for my help. Maybe we give too much and have expected too little in return, but i have always tried to avoid dept collecting when it comes to kindnesses. Im so glad to have found this site and this thread as it has made me feel much better knowing i am not alone even if our stories are different.
Yes you’re right, when you become disabled for one reason or another you join the ranks of the “invisible people” Been there, done that… got the t-shirt!!
I know the feeling. I am going on 23 and don’t have a single friend. In high school I had acquaintances that I would talk to at school but never spoke with outside of school. In hindsight, I have never really gotten along with anyone my age. The girls at my church never included me because I didn’t go to school with them. The girls at school always made fun of me because I was poor. I only got along with kids that were years younger than me.
Now, I just don’t bother. I have realized that people are incapable of being friends with me. They think I am weird because I like stuff that no one else cares about. They think I am weird because I don’t want to become an alcoholic.
I came to the realization that all friendship comes down to is just two people using one another to make themselves feel better.
Believe me, people with disabilities are still often shunned by others.
really – you’ll list that as a cause of not having friends in 2011?
sure some people might be a little isolated but as a person who knows many people with various disabilities, friendships are very possible.
your article was useless anyway. it gave no answers
I feel the same way. I wish I had the nerve to ask someone to just come out and say why, even if it means getting hurt. But I know that its kind of a taboo thing, that is, people tend to act well, phony, like everything is fine; nobody wants to hurt anyones feelings, etc. I however am 57 years old, but, I feel age is irrelevant in this situation, friendless is friendless. I know other variables are at work here, such as the fact I am painfully shy, so self help books or classes might help, Ive tried a few books on communication but nothing has helped.
I wholly understand what you are saying and my advice…to you and everyone else is to not feel too lonely. Sometimes in live, we may be older souls and in that way we can feel alone. Being an older soul means that perhaps we can’t relate to the majority of people. I have found it very difficult to relate to people my age, and if it happens it is rare. I think you should try social networking of groups where people come together just to do things and meet people. Recently, I joined a group on facebook called the KW Women’s Friendship Group. The women have potlucks, and other meetings and there are so many different types of people who are open and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that many of them feel just like you! Don’t give up! I’m not and no I’m not yet surrounded by hoards of friends. There is always someone thinking good of you and would be your good friend — perhaps you just have not met them yet! So get out there and meet people and try not to reek of loneliness! Face the world with a smile and honest that you love yourself. We can always love and care for ourselves a little more!
Hi l also feel very alone lm married to have 3 grown up children and have 6 grand kids wich l love very much but always feel like l have know one to talk to lm. l feel very low all the time me and my hubby don’t even sleep in same room any more we don’t talk much l feel like l Carnt talk to him and feel like l Carnt talk to my children to lm always here for them and every one eles l have know freinds how l can talk to l think it’s because l not been going out for a very long time but things or realy getting to me l sit up every night crying iv had anoth would love to meet someone l can talk to l realy don’t know why l Carnt talk to my hubby but l don’t think he’s to botherd to now
I’m almost 35 and have no friends at all. What makes it worse for me is that I’m an only child. I feel terribly alone and depressed. I’ve tried to make friends in the past but it ends up with them not bothering with me so I have just given up. Even at work I seem to be pushed out. I’m never invited to anything they arrange, it’s as if I’m non existent. I am a loveable, caring person but I guess there must be something wrong with me. I try to push my feelings to the back of my head and get on with things but every so often they resurface and get me so down. I wish for better days to come but who knows. I’m not getting any younger and I’m so scared i will grow old with not one friend.
Long story short (that I might have to elaborate on once I’m not typing from my phone),I’m a 21-year-old girl who just finished her junior year at college Since 4th grade I’ve been the girl to not be in ‘cliques’ or even just be the girl someone wants to befriend. Ive put in my share amounts of effort to make friends but get nothing in response. I don’t set such high standards for friends, I just want someone to be trusting and honest. Someone who cares about me, too. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask but since 4th grade until now I think it just gets worse. Maybe it’s linked to maturity and they’re all still essentially growing up? But maybe it is me. I know I have interests in things people couldn’t care less about but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a good friend. I just want someone to talk to about real things, deep conversations. Not the normal fluff. I am an introvert and pessimist but mainly because I’ve been let down too often by others. I do make it clear that im excited when i meet new people and i act optomistic. I am happy and proud with who I am and I think people should want me as a friend, I’ll be great! But I just feel no one wants my company. I do have mild OCD but its mainly for organizing and having to do things the same way all the time. Just doesn’t feel right if something is out of order in a great way. People can’t tell I have OCD but I tend to blame the OCD for why I don’t have friends bc I feel it just makes me think and approach things differently than others, which, well, makes me different then. And people don’t like unique. I think the fact I have too many interests in my life that are so specific is just personality overload to them. I’m not really picky, I just like a lot of certain things like going to Alaska, a dream mine. Everyone I’ve met just has nothing to say about my interests and they seem to not really have any interests. Everyone here seems to make and keep relationships from fluff. No real conversations. I don’t get why I’m a virus to everyone, no one wants me around. I’m so glad it’s summer now even though I have to work. This school year was horrible. And it kills me knowing what it feels like for others because I keep seein things in Facebook about how this year was the best ever, I love my friends, I love my school, blah blah I just wonder why it’s the opposite for me. I wonder if it’s because people have already found their friends here that they don’t want or need any more? Why has it and why is it always me? I think I’m a good person and have a lot to offer, no one just wants me.
I too donot have any close friend .many times I had tried to make best friends but everytime something bad happens and I loose them.is this because of my ego or something else.I donot want to lose my best friends but every time I try to do so, I fail.plzzz,give me some suggestions.
Got the same problem, I had enough of organizing to meeting up, I used to have 2 best friends they always expect my call. I heard they keep meeting up more with out me, the only thing they want me is to ask me a favor also they love to copy me, my life style, they want to work the same place as me, copy my hair style, buy the same every thing as mine without even told me they like it…honestly when I get merry I ask them to be my bridesmaids they both give me a silly reason not to be? Instead one of them get merry in 3 months time unplanned wedding & I was her bridemad so do our other friend. When I told them I’m expecting my 1st baby instead of congratulation, one of them said ‘ I’ve been trying to have a baby for the last 3 years and no luck’ and the other friend said ‘I don’t even have a proper relationship why only me’ and told me they been cring all night long I didn’t said any bad thing fill sorry for them and after that day they keep cuting down and after I had my baby didn’t heard from them? I try to talk to them and they keep telling me ‘I am busy another time…’ I ask my self what I have done? as far as I know I was supportive being there for them all the time, so its sad I try to lose my confidense and lost my sence of humour also find it hard to be close with others… and now I don’t have any single friend and I heard they don’t see each other? So some people seems a friend but they are not it’s hard to make a good friend!!!!!!!!
Ditto. I agree with what you said to this person who claims she doesn’t want friends and we are all whiners. I am sick and tired of the occasional posting here by someone who claims they don’t want or need friends; who says it’s just fine to befriend mother nature or animals AT THE EXCLUSION OF PEOPLE. Give me a freaking break. Let’s be real. If someone says they take refuge in animals and nature because they can’t seem to make friends, then they should just admit that. And there will be plenty of sympathetic responses. But please don’t tell people that you do not want or need friends. And above all, please don’t do that IF YOU HAVE A SPOUSE AND OR CHILDREN who give you sustenance. Please. Don’t discount that that’s a type of friendship too.
give a blue f about it or you wouldnt be here.
you searched for and found this site. Im sure you read other peoples stories before you responded and then you blast all of us and we’re (you too) all in the same pool of water sister. We’re all here.
Is that what you do in your life? Push people away before a friendship can start so people dont find out who you really are because you think youre crap? But thats fine with you because you dont want a friend anyway.
I know thats not how you want it on your birthday. Or when something great happens and you wish you could pick up the phone and share it with someone. Or if you’re sick, wouldnt it be great if a friend brought over flowers and some chicken soup? It would be wonderful to know that there were people out there that loved you and needed you in their lives. Wouldnt that be great???
Remember the movie with Tom Hanks where he was stranded on the island and he befriended a soccer ball and called it Wilson? Its just who we are as humans. Its nothing to be ashamed of.
I think youre a very lonely, sad, intelligent person that is exactly like the rest of us whiners. =)
so to you I say, welcome to the club. Im glad youre here. Maybe we can all figure this out together.
Peace
thank you for the kind words. once i get therapy in the future, i think i will be able to appreciate myself more.
thank you. it took a lot of courage to write this. at least it is nice to see that i am not alone!:)
thank you for the kind words. once i get therapy in the future, I hope I will be able to appreciate myself more.
yo. listen hur. i unnnastand where ur cumin frum. i hav no frans eader and i feel lyk ppl don axcept meh. is reel tuff tryna mak frans. this won help you, but i jus sayin i knoe wear yo cumin frum.
I totally agree with everything you said, you sound alot like myself, you seem to be very content about who you are. You know it’s kind of ironic because i always say someone is either going to like you or their not, and you don’t have to go out of your way to get attention, I’m almost 40, and i’m at the point in my life if I’m liked by someone that’s fine and if I’m not that’s fine too. i have in the past tried to make friends and did’nt have much success and so now I just do my own thing, I see nothing wrong with it. I’ve never been one of those people who felt like I had to fit in a clique, or push myself into being accepted. i think that friendship is important, and it can be a real challenge trying to find the right people that you can connect with, and I have’nt really found that so i just do me. You made some very good points you should consider putting it in an article.
I’m 22 and I can relate to this. I too grew up without my parents, then moved to North America when I was around 6. Been struggling to maintain healthy long-term friendships ever since. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone! You’re very brave sharing your story.
Hii…i knoe hw u feel completely…i mean wen i hav dinner wid my cousins…
Every1 has sumth or other to talk..while i jus sit there listenin n thinkin wat to say.! n than ppl tell me that y dnt u speak..! Hw can i nt seem to e a borin personality..? When m all uncomfortable around ppl..? N i jus dnt knw wat to do..there have been a lot of tyms when my selfesteem has been minimum..bt it feels lyk i dnt hav any close friends to whom i tell every single bit of my life without hesistating as to wat the other wud feel…i totally agree wid u,ppl r jus drawn to dat charistimatic personality nt seeing beyound dat surface..! Sucks!
Hi! I have all the same personalities. I’m pretty quiet generally but have no problem having conversations with people. But it seems like no one wants to be my friend and spend time with me. I have friends who will hang out if I get them together but they don’t initiate. I’ve been asking God the same thing lol. I don’t know your age or gender but maybe we’d get along as friends. I know I must seem really lonely to be asking a random person online if they want to be friends. Oh well…..
If you didn’t have a hubby you could talk to, would you still feel it like it’s fine to have no friends?
It seems when I start to talk to someone, they are not interested. I find myself not even speaking in full sentences, beacuse, I feel the person is ready to walk away. I feel rushed to get my point across. I think I have a lot of charisma and I don’t think I’m boring either. I am always trying to be upbeat and outgoing. I always focus on the other person and try not to talk about myself too much. Is it jealousy? I find it easier to talk to men than women too. Maybe I am an alien!
I have friends but I don’t hear from them very often. I have hobbies and interests but when I try to share I notice people kind of walk away or start talking to someone else. I think my problem is I have no charisma and am boring to talk to and am not funny. If you look at people who seem to connect and enjoy each others company they have charisma, are funny and sometimes have a witty response. It hurts deeply when you are kind of quiet and watch everyone else enjoying each other’s company but you’re not included. Sometimes I ask God why did he make my personality this way. Lets face it some of us have more charisma than others and I am not one of those. I am attractive and fit but just have a boring personality. I am a good listener and don’t dominate but when i try to add my two cents noone seems interested! I am uncomfortable and people can tell this but it is only from these past experiences. I’m not as bad as some people I;ve seen. It sucks that people are just drawn to charismatic personalities and don’t look deeper. Guess in Heaven we won’t have to worry about it any more. Long wait though…… LOL!!!!
YES, I can relate to feeling lonely but not wanting or being able to talk to people. I think it’s my basic lack of hope that the interaction won’t go smoothly. If I am myself and don’t put on a 100% perky, positive upbeat face, which is what people want, then I am being a fake. They like the perky me, then act affronted when I let my hair down the next time I am having a bad day due to work nightmares or health problems. And they have an “uh … gotta go now” attitude toward me. I understand we all have to put her best face on and foot forward much of the time, but I keep wanting to be able to be myself too, which I confess is sometimes snarky or sarcastic and rough around the edges. Not everyone can be Doris Day. Look around you in life and you see all kinds of personalities. So why can’t I be me without repelling people? I just read in another thread here someone who proposes that to have friends you have to be someone who you are not, you have to be who they want you to be. I kinda think this is really true. And if that’s the case, it is the reason why I am exhausted and overwhelmed at reaching out to others or to receiving invitations by others. And that makes me hot and cold. But believe me if I thought I could just be accepted with all my personality quirks, I think I could muster up the energy and guts to accept invitations and overtures to friendships. I do understand that this whole syndrome leaves to a real schizo existence. One minute I am bursting with ambition to connect with everyone. The next I am hiding from my phone, which doesn’t ring much, and just retreating with my books, music, and own little world. One big problem to living in such extremes is that on the rare occasion someone who is more balanced calls me, I think I tend to vomit out all of my pent up stresses about things. and that makes me come across as one huge drain. I’m sure of it. Thanks for posting on this topic. I have felt so guilty about it. Wanting friends yet hiding when I have the chance to have them.
I feel for you anonymous, here is a book that is good called
Children of the Self Absorbed by nina brown
also a link to a site that has work sheets in dealing with narcissistic parents – they are awesome effective work sheets so I hope they may help you, all the best to you
It is called get your angries out by lynne namka
http://www.angriesout.com/grown17.htm
Hello! I I have had my heart broken by friends and family members for years. I am 50 years old. I lost my Mom when I was 23 years old. I so miss her daily! I am married and have 2 children. My husband disrespected me several times and now my relationship is effected. I am so blessed to have my 2 children in my life 7 & 11. I too do not have real close friends. I have always been the one to listen, help, and to go out of my way to do what ever possible to make people happy. I have never had the pleasure to have my friendship reciprocated. I have been so used by people! Even my only sister and father used me for my help on all their issues, while inconveniencing me. (but I never complained to them) They have both written me off, out of his will and family ties, because I finally stood up for myself to get my life back to take care of my own children who were babies and needed me. I always had to do for them on their terms. My sister made her husbands family her family and ditched her only sister and her only godchildren. I have made peace with my feelings. Unfortunately, my family is narcissistic. I feel like somone has cast a spell on me to have no one to share life with. I thank God for my beautiful children!!!
I just reread my comment saying why am I here and I see an interesting typo I made toward the end of my long winded comment. I said in my head and heart I do believe that quanttiy is better than quality in terms of friends in one’s life. But I meant to say I believe quality is better than quantity. Not enough coffee yet for me, I’m afraid. Lots of silly typos in my comments. sorry.
It’s a huge conflict within me, feeling it’s true that it’s not realistic to have a million good friends (friendship takes work, time, energy, etc.)and it’s okay to not have many friends yet on the other hand I am here on a friendship blog about wanting friends. I’m not here randomly, as a pass-through on the internet. I didn’t think others who come here and comment were here randomly either. But of course I could be wrong. That’s why I asked. It’s the conflict–yes, it’s okay to not have friends; yet, I am here trying to get insights as to why I don’t and how can I improve that. I read many upbeat comments here from people who sound like more or less they have concluded they are fine, it’s fine to not have friends, or they have it all solved (mostly). So again I wonder, why are you here? I would posit that for me personally and this is just me, it actually isn’t truly fine to have a life that is more friendless than it is friend full. I’ve spent my whole life doing things alone rather than do things with disagreeable people. I have never been a “love the one you’re with” type of person. Couldn’t date someone just because it’s bettter than sitting home. Unless of course I was seeing potential and giving someone a chance. I am extremely comfortable doing things alone, being alone. Too comfortable, probably. For me that road has been travleled a plenty. I would love to have the courage and energy and lack of ego or whatever it is to just try life with company rather than just my own company. Yet I do believe in my head and heart that quantity is better than quality. It’s a conflict, it doesn’t abate. Thanks for the response. Also, as an aside I just remembered to add this: When I have had a fulfilling or mostly fulfilling partner, as in a spouse or spousal type, in my life, it is a lot easier for me to say oh I don’t need friends. When my jobs have been all consuming, not fulfilling necessarily but all consuming of my time and energy, it’s been easier to just let go the notion of needing friendships. My perspective and needs seem to change on those two factors.
You make a good point so I will do my best to give an honest answer. Life goes up and down – it is not possible to ride the crest of a wave in perpetuity. I have no friends but much of that reality has to do with the choices I have made. There are times when it bothers me that this is the case but there are also plenty of times when I am not bothered at all. The internet is a colossal database, Google anything and you will find a blog, site or feed on just about any subject you can possibly think of – plus a whole lot of things you did not. I am not sure it follows that visiting a website indicates a particular concern, need or issue, even if that site would suggest otherwise. You can move around with a few taps on a keyboard that can reflect your thinking at a specific moment. In the past none of this was possible; your thinking stayed as it was, just a thought process. The internet lets you act on short-term musings and leaves a kind of audit trail. I would argue, however, that it does not mean that much but rather reflects passing thoughts with the potential for interaction with others momentarily dwelling on the same issue.
On the basis that I entered a comment I returned to the site. On the basis that you replied to my comment I am posting a response. Now that I am back it does seem obvious that the lack of friends can lead to feelings of lack of self-worth and sadness (we are always been told we are social animals). I guess my point is you can go through life without friends but you need to accept that it is not only OK to do so but it does not mean you are a failure. Once you start seeing the lack of friends as a failure rather than something that maybe part of your lifestyle choice you are on a slippery slope. Let’s be honest I would love to have a great circle of friends but I know that is not how it works. People are complex, often self-catered and love to gossip. I am probably no better but I have made a decision to not have friends. All things being equal it allows me not know people and hence I do not have to deal with trying to be someone else all the time. People also do not know me and as a result I am rarely on anyone’s radar. I fill my time with work and trying doing things I enjoy. When I do things, however, I am always on my own. I walk, kayak, fish, read, do handyman staff, write and so on. So far all is well I am enjoying life within the obvious proviso that every one’s life has its ups and down.
Bottom line, people do not necessarily need friends and if you can build a confident picture of yourself despite the lack of friends life can be fruitful and progressive life. Case-in-point; do some research here but many successful high powered types (CEO’s etc) have no friends. This topic has been documented and researched in psychological journals. Sure after a while some of them do start to feel lonely, but when that happens go out and get some friends. All you have to do is become a person they want you to be, shallow I know but that is what friends are for – conversation, laughing, dinners, picnics etc.
You make a good point so I will do my best to give an honest answer.
Life goes up and down – it is not possible to ride the crest of a wave in perpetuity. I have no friends but much of that reality has to do with the choices I have made. There are times when it bothers me that this is the case but there are also plenty of times when I am not bothered at all. The internet is a colossal database, Google anything and you will find a blog, site or feed on just about any subject you can possibly think of – plus a whole lot of things you did not. I am not sure it follows that visiting a website indicates a particular concern, need or issue, even if that site would suggest otherwise. You can move around with a few taps on a keyboard that can reflect your thinking at a specific moment. In the past none of this was possible; your thinking stayed as it was, just a thought process. The internet lets you act on short-term musings and leaves a kind of audit trail. I would argue, however, that it does not mean that much but rather reflects passing thoughts with the potential for interaction with others momentarily dwelling on the same issue.
On the basis that I entered a comment I returned to the site. On the basis that you replied to my comment I am posting a response. Now that I am back it does seem obvious that I concede the lack of friends can lead to feelings of lack of self-worth and sadness (we are always been told we are social animals). I guess my point is you can go through life without friends but you need to accept that it is OK to do so and that it does not mean you are a failure. Once you start seeing the lack of friends as a failure rather than something that maybe part of your lifestyle choice you are on a slippery slope. Let’s be honest I would love to have a great circle of friends but I know that is not how it works. People are complex, often self-catered and love to gossip. I am probably no better but I have made a decision to not have friends. All things being equal it allows me not know people and hence I do not have to deal with trying to be someone else all the time. People also do not know me and as a result I am rarely on anyone’s radar. I fill my time with work and trying to do things I enjoy. When I do things, however, I am always on my own. I walk, kayak, fish, read, do handyman stuff, write and so on. So far all is well; I am enjoying life with the obvious proviso that everyone’s life has its peaks and troughs.
Bottom line, people do not necessarily need friends and if you can build a confident picture of yourself despite the lack of friends life can be fruitful and progressive. Case-in-point; do some research here but many successful high powered types (CEO’s etc) have no friends. This topic has been documented and researched in psychological journals. Sure after a while some of them do start to feel lonely, but when that happens go out and get some friends. All you have to do is become a person they want you to be, shallow I know but that is what friends are for – conversation, laughing, dinners, picnics etc.
I love men, don’t get me wrong, but it’s been my observation that they LOVE to teach, to hold forth and tell you how to do things. They LOVE it. I won’t delve into why they love it. Is it to escape talking about feelings? Who knows. Heck, sometimes I like talking about “things” and “how to” and “the process” instead of the feelings and human element, too. I get the same vibe from men that you do about women in terms of them wanting to teach you the error of your ways because they know so much better. I mean, when it comes to men, and women, giving unsolicited advice. Reading through Irene Levine’s blog I sometimes see “Have you tried x, y z? No? How about a, b, c, d, e, f, g ….” That’s all and good, up to a point. But like you said, many of us just want commiseration. But this is just a side note. Your comments deal with much bigger and diverse things than “Men are from Mars, Women from Venus” or whatever. Sorry to hijack part of your posting. Just liked talking about unsolicited advice no matter which sex is holding forth. As for religion, there is only one that I have been exposed to that just cannot resist trying to convert others to it. I pretty much never criticize what the believers of that religion believe. But I do crticize their need to convert others. And they always deny they are trying to convert, too. So I appreciated your comments on that whole topic. I said something simliar on this very site once, don’t remember where, but was pounced upon for being a hater of that particular religion. Sigh. No. I don’t care enough to hate that religion. I just don’t want to be told what I should believe in. If I want anyone’s opinion about if I should partake of that religion, I will ask. Until I ask, don’t try to persuade me. It’s condescending and really insulting. But that is true of most unsolicited advice, in my opinion.
Hey, I know ALL about dysfunctional families, my family put the “fun” in dysfunction….heh. There are some truly sick, toxic individuals out there, who would like nothing more than to degrade and debase others. AVOID THEM LIKE THE PLAGUE THEY ARE. Honestly, as long as you are true to yourself and an authentic person, the rest can take a hike. I’m the family scapegoat, the Black Sheep, but they don’t know or understand me, so I don’t let that define me anymore. I still have days where I wish things were different, but that’s a Utopian society and not realistic. The best way to learn how to be comfortable with yourself is to spend time alone, doing things you enjoy. The rest will come naturally. You can look in the mirror and give yourself a pep talk, that’s fine, but it’s even better to be more pro-active. We learn by DOING. So, go, do, enjoy. Get out of your comfort zone, you’ll be surprised, find new confidence, and something to be proud of. And if there IS a heaven, a hell, or absolutely nothing after this life ends, it DOESN’T MATTER. It’s all subjective at best, so best to live like there is NO tomorrow, take life by the horns, make your own destiny. You will die knowing that above all else, you did the best you could, and THAT, my dears, is all that really DOES matter. Hang in there, there are still good people in the world, who DO care. Peace.
I’m so sorry, guys, I am passionate about women not playing the victim role, and expound a bit too much as a result. If we were discussing how to grow cucumbers, my response would be short or nonexistent, lol. But I do like cucumbers, I’m just not passionate about them, heh. I played right into that victim role for so many years, I didn’t know how to be anything else. You know what’s funny? Once I finally got my head straight, said screw it, I don’t NEED anybody, and got involved with our local fashion industry & designers. It was super FUN! I’d found my “calling”, and loved grooming young people to be confident, teach them beauty comes from the inside, and manage backstage at fashion shows and events. I loved the glamour, and all the creative people, and wonders enough, they liked ME too. All of a sudden, I had more “friends” than I knew what to do with. And I realized something else, I didn’t LIKE or ENJOY having all those friends, all those commitments, it was TOO much WORK. These were great, nice people, but friendships, real ones, take time, like a garden they must be “watered” so they can “grow”. With my kids, our home business, I just couldn’t figure how or where to put all these new people in my life. I eventually narrowed it down, and while I miss some of those people, my life is more manageable like this, I can be a better true friend when I have fewer friends. So, ladies, I’ve been on both sides of the coin and can honestly tell you we are a LOT better off as we are. Quality. NOT quantity. Sure, it was nice feeling this new “popularity”, I’d NEVER, EVER, experienced anything even remotely like it before. All those invitations, and if you didn’t show, feelings got hurt. Things like that. All these women who have large groups of “close” friends, I think anyway, are only lying to themselves. It is nigh impossible to manage several “close” friendships, to the degree they must needs be managed, and still have time & emotional reserves left over for their daily life. IMPOSSIBLE, don’t you believe them for ONE minute! They want you to think they’re superior, etc. It’s all BS. I know. I also agree that women like to “fix”, but for entirely different reasons. I think the guys genuinely WANT to “help” to “fix”, while women just want to feel important or superior, i.e., “Oh Susan, you poor, poor dear. Don’t you know to do x,y,z first? Here, let me help you because I’m so smart & you don’t know anything”. It makes them feel better about themselves, but typically, these Helpful Henrietta’s shouldn’t be throwing stones, or telling anyone else how to get their houses in order, because sadly, most of their houses are NOT in order. Sure, as a friend offer advice, even if you have a problem following it yourself, but that’s not what I was talking about above….But, yeah man, you got what I’m saying and I’m glad I made enough sense that at least someone out there could relate or get what I’m gettin’ at. Honestly? I’d rather have NO friends, than BAD friends. I may not be the most perfect friend, or person, in the world, but I DO try. I’m loyal, sensitive, and generous, and if you call me at 3am to get you out of jail, I’d come, no questions asked. As far as Xianity…. well, to each their own. I just wish they’d realize that. Just like politickin’, everyone has their OWN ideas, and it’s ingrained so deep inside of us, that to try and change someone’s mind, or theology, is not only impossible, it’s also rude, and extremely condescending. How dare ANY one try to tell ME that I’M not living my life right. In fact, people would have MORE friends if they learned tolerance and not be judgmental. But, oy, that’s a whole ‘mother blog, ain’t it? Lol. Ok, I rambled again. Oops. Peace!
P.s. Sorry for all the typos, need to turn this auto correct crap off & learn to take the time to EDIT….heh
Loved your sermon. Loved loved loved it. And it was a sermon, in the very best sense of that word. I mean it sincerely. That was not a dig. That was highest praise. I’ve read it twice. So much rang true to me. Laughed aloud at your theory about men thinking women’s “whining” must be “fixed”. Don’t agree it’s solely men who are always prescribing “solutions” (so we’ll shut up! LOL). Lately I have found many women do this too. It’s all about “Have you tried this, this, this, or this. No? Then, you don’t want to solve your problem. You just want to complain. And that’s negative. So, buh-bye.” Totally totally agree that we must strive to be authentic and be who we are. And strive to be good and decent because it’s the right thing, not because some religion or theology says so. Okay, maybe I just paraphrased you, and if I did so inaccurately, I’m sorry.Thanks for the reminder of the Desiderata. Loved reading that again.Your “off tangent” words should be set in a box atop this Friendship Blog and required reading for everyone who visits here, complete with a “I agree to abide by this” box to check off. I will cut and paste it here in my comment so others will be sure to read it. Thank you for your wonderful post. It made my day. “If you’re the churchy type, do that, but don’t proselytize or soap box, Xianity does not give anyone the right to judge others, nor does it give you the right to attempt to “convert” others, if we want to go to church we’ll go to church. If it’s good for you, great! It doesn’t mean it’s good for others and MANY of us have tried religion and for whatever reason, it didn’t work for us, you have to accept that and move on. You have to accept that the duly kind author of this blog most likely respects your theology, but that she would prefer commenters to stay on topic. There are PLENTY of Xian sites out there, so wouldn’t you rather commiserate with those of a like mind? Makes. Lot more sense to me…. Ok! I went off topic for a sec… “
Appreciated your insights. Key sentence was “Friends are easy to make but to make them YOU MAY NEED TO BECOME WHO THEY WANT YOU TO BE.” I think that’s more accurate than the bromide “In order to have a friend you must love yourself first.” In my head I agree with your philosophy mostly that it’s no failure to not have a big circle of friends. But I ask myself and I ask you and anyone else, if it’s really that resolved for us, then WHY ARE WE HERE, seeking out on the Internet sites about friendships? This is a disconnect I struggle with. If you can tell me why you are here despite your saying it’s okay to not really have friends, I’d love to know about it. I am struggling with this question for myself.
I think it is not unusual to have no friends. I am in my late forties and although married with two children I have never really had any friends. I consider myself to be a well balanced type of person with no obvious hangups. I am educated, financially secure and not unhappy or depressed. Despite this I am aware that having no friends can be frustrating at times. On the otherhand I do not have to go to a never ending stream of boring dinners or gatherings either. It like all things in life there are pluses and minuses. So long as you are not feeling lonely or socially isolated all is good. There are times when you wish you had a few good friends but as I mentioned there are times when not having friends can be a real benefit as well. Friends are easy to make but to make them you may need to become who they want you to be. Once you start doing that you will have friends but if you do not enjoy putting on a face you need to learn to live without this type of social interaction. Many people live in this way – it is not a big deal or a sign of failure.
I feel this way too. As long as you are comfortable and functioning well in your life, there is no rule that says you need to have close friends.
Hi, enjoyed your ramble hee hee, you’ve worked hard to get where you are – happy – congratulations! I’ve had some similar stuff in my past – a narc dad and sister – evil – and the whole dysfunctional family would really prefer it if I remained their black sheep.
Fortunately I have a wonderful partner and some good friends though I’m still learning about people and being comfortable with myself. Thanks for your encouraging comments.
To: LOL
Why are you even on a friendship website when you wrote you don’t want friends and you don’t like people. You shouldn’t be even on this site. This site is for people who need support, friendship, loving, caring and someone to talk to.. Not someone who is putting people down.
Why don’t you have a cell phone? Everyone has one!!!
I was just giving this some thought last night. Why do I say I want a little more of a social life and want to get together more with my family, but when the opportunity presents itself, I bow out almost every time. Weird. I recently cancelled an afternoon with my brother who I haven’t seen in over two years! I just felt unmotivated and like it would be more of a chore than a pleasure. So, why do I do it? I think I’m simply in a rut. I understand those days you’re talking about though….where you talk to everyone you see and are upbeat. THOSE are the days that I make these dates to see people. Then my normal self who’s in a rut comes along and cancels. Hard to keep friends that way. For me, I’ve decided it’s about just forcing myself to do something with somebody even if I’m dreading it. Just get showered, dressed, and go even if I’m kicking and screaming the whole way. Almost always, I’m so glad I’m out with the person and am so happy later with the memory. It always makes me feel good, and less alone, for quite a while later. If you’re socializing with people here and there, I don’t see a problem with minimal contact between get-togethers. I would just find a way of keeping contact in the least threatening way (texting and email) as much as possible. I’m not sure being in a rut is the entire answer for me, but I still need to think about this one. You mentioned mood swings, so maybe see your doctor and he/she can help, that is, if you even need any help.. I do know that initially forcing myself to meet with someone is important though because, when I’m out, I’m happy.
I’m in a rut. I just love lazing at home at the expense of meeting friends.
Feeling very lonely but dont want to talk to anyoneDoes anyone out there feel lonely but at the same time cant get in the mood to meet people or have a conversation with someone you know.
I am 45 years old and don’t have any person in my life that I feel I can call a friend. I go through mood swings where one day I want to call as many people as I can and visit people I haven’t seen for along time. Then it stops and no more contact. Other days if I see someone I know I will try to avoid them as I cant be bothered getting into a conversation or the phone may ring and I will just ignore it.
My general feeling on this matter is that I think I would like some friends but have always struggled to maintain friendship relationships to the stage that I now just can be bothered. I feel I am going round and round in circles and currently feel very lonely even though I have a wife and kids.
I think I need some balance in my life so it would be interesting to hear from anyone else that has gone through this cycle.
Thank you for your two cents, awesome read
I’m 41 gals, but age has nada to do with it. I have one solid friend in my life, and that’s just fine with me. I’ll take quality over quantity ANY day. Sure, my hubby is my friend, I can talk to him about anything & everything, and I’ve finally got him trained (it only took 15 years!) to understand that I’m usually not looking for solutions, but commiseration instead (men always think we’re whining so they’ll help us “fix” whatever’s wrong, it’s part of their DNA). All I’m really looking for is, “Yeah! To hell with her! Your boss is a biotch!! I’m with you, girl!”, and that’s what women need, VALIDATION, and that’s what we get from friends. Some folks need more validation than others, some less. I fall into the latter category. I’m confident that I’m a good person. I live my life via The Golden Rule. I’m not perfect…but then, who is?
As long as I know that I’m doing my best to leave a positive footprint on the world, putting my best foot forward, living an authentic life as an authentic & genuine person, then “friends” can take me or leave me- as I am. If people cannot accept and appreciate you, for WHO you ARE, you don’t need them, they aren’t a “true” friend.
We moved a lot growing up. I’m the middle child, with overachievers for siblings. We lived in big, metropolitan cities, we lived in small Norman Rockwell country towns, we lived in soccer mom suburbia. We started out as Xian, and wound up atheist leaning agnostics. Now, thhis is the important thing, so pay attention, (LOL); Your locale, your age, your familial sibling placement, your religion or lack thereof, NONE of this really has anything to do with, and has no effect on: how women (or people in general) treat each other, or how they form, and maintain, said friendships.. I have had frienships sprout from the unlikeliest of places, with people I wouldn’t even began to imagine I had ANY thing in common with.
Ladies, this is just another avenue down the road called: The Human Condition. People are what they are, and very few seem to initiate any sort of self reflection or introspection. Therefore, people like us, you know, sensitive, caring people, tend to take things personally, i.e. “the girls didn’t invite me on their girls weekend!”. We think we’re being purposefully excluded, and maybe, in just a few cases, that IS the case. BUT, by and large, it’s more about THEM, not YOU, or us. Most people don’t consider how their action/s affect/effect others, and just go about their daily business, thinking only of themselves and or their immediate family. The simple fact is, you were “overlooked” probably NOT because they didn’t want you there, but because they were thinking in completely different terms, and perhaps you never even entered their minds as an possibility,
I used to wear my feelings on my sleeve like a badge of honor. I took everything personally. I’d had a HARD life growing up; always the “new girl”, the middle child syndrome, a narcissistic mother & sister who formed a wholly unhealthy co-dependent relationship, sister was cruel beyond any sort of ‘sibling rivalry’ standards, suffered from emotional abuse & neglect, suffered from extreme ostracization from peers & even family, the proverbial Black Sheep. Girls were so MEAN! Just for the sake of BEING mean. I was always the short, tiny, puny kid, so i got picked on, a LOT. At first, I tried. I tried reaaaaaaallly hard to make friends. It ALWAYS blew up in my face. Always. For years, I thought it was me. All me. My family treated me like shite, why not everyone else? There must be something intrinsically wrong with me. I liked myself, I just couldn’t understand why no one else did. I always tried to be kind, good, sensitive to others needs, and to always, always, be genuine, so why? Why me?
What I learned is this: in this life, the only person you can count on 100% is YOU. Be your own best friend. Be true to yourself. If others see that and can appreciate it, great! If not, you don’t need, or want them in your lives anyway.
It took a few years of therapy to get all this straight in my head. I LOVED my therapist! She gave me the validation I was seeking, and I took it from there.
People are going to let us down, that’s just a fact of life. Sometimes we even let ourselves down, and that’s our own evolution, a learning process, so don’t beat yourself up too bad. Use the guilt to make yourself a better person, then forgive yourself an move on. No wallowing allowed! Sure, take a moment, throw yourself a mini pity party, roll around naked on the floor with a bottle of wine and some really nasty screaming deathmetal on at full blast, crying your eyes out at the injustice of this world. Then, get up, get dressed, wash your face, and say —- it!
I think it’s a common, widespread, yet totally inaccurate message that society sends us, any society, anywhere, that says we must have friends, that we NEED friends in order to “get through” life. What an overblown, bloated fallacy! Soceity tends to “judge” what sort of person we are by how many frinds we have, or don’t have. Call me crazy, but I don’t “need” friends. Sure, I may “want” them, but we all know need vs want are two totally different things, I think if some of you were able to adjust your thinking, that “friends” are subjective at best, & are NOT a necessity of life in general. What I “need” from life, is a happy healthy me, a happy healthy family, well adjusted children, and really, that’s all I “need”. I “like” my hobbies, my one friend, I love traveling, etc., but these are not things I need to live. It’s not the same.
If you don’t have children, or are not married or in a relationship, remember, you have YOU. You will ALWAYS have your own back, a friend can’t give you that, not 100% like you can yourself. Find things you enjoy doing, and DO them!
Also, I think it’s I portent to be able to enjoy being alone. I love when I have the house to myself and no immediate needs to be taken care of. I enjoy going to restaurants alone, even met my husband that way. I go to movies alone if no one else is interested in a film I really want to see. These things don’t bother me, co tearily,I enjoy doing them alone. I traveled solo LONG before the sisterhood of the pants came around & love it. If you have an issue with being alone with yourself, or are insecure, that’s ok, we ALL have bouts with those feelings, that’s natural. But, if it’s keeping you from enjoying YOUR life, then therapy of some sort may help. If finances are an issue, then seek a clinic with a sliding to no scale fee.
I honestly believe I am my own best friend. A little emotionally injured 3 year old girl lives in my soul, and I have to remember to take her by the hand, console her, give her hugs, and take her out to play once in awhile. Nurture your inner child, do fun things and don’t worry if people think you’re crazy for having a baby pink cruiser bicycle with white walled tires, your small dog popping along in the basket, while you jingle the bells on the handlebars as you pass by. Who cares?! Live YOUR life and LOVE it-with or without friends- it’s the ONLY one you’re gonna get! Be good because it’s the RIGHT thing to do, NOT because you think it’s gonna secure your passage through the “pearly gates”. If you’re the churchy type, do that, but don’t proselytize or soap box, Xianity does not give anyone the right to judge others, nor does it give you the right to attempt to “convert” others, if we want to go to church we’ll go to church. If it’s good for you, great! It doesn’t mean it’s good for others and MANY of us have tried religion and for whatever reason, it didn’t work for us, you have to accept that and move on. You have to accept that the duly kind author of this blog most likely respects your theology, but that she would prefer commenters to stay on topic. There are PLENTY of Xian sites out there, so wouldn’t you rather commiserate with those of a like mind? Makes. Lot more sense to me….
Ok! I went off topic for a sec… Where was I……..
Whether you’re married or in a relationship or not, whether you have kids or not, etc etc etc, you are never alone as long as you have YOU for a friend. That’s enough for me. Something that may help some of you is a poem my grandmother had printed, framed, and mounted in 3 different places in her home. If you haven’t heard of it, it is called “The Deaiderata”. I have tried to live my life according to the tenets set forth in this great emotional piece, and may it give you comfort also:
The Desiderata
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
I’ve rambled on too long, but I felt so deeply for the stories written by the souls on here that I couldn’t help myself!
Also keep in mind that toxic narcissistic people have a radar for people with low self esteem and really know how to pick people with low self esteem friends that they can manipulate and use for their own end. It took me until early middle age to understand the concept of energy and boundaries; until then I would let anyone who seemed “nice” into my life as a friend. A good book I’ve come across is called The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker, though he uses he alot to describe red flag behaviours, substitute he with she and it applies to both genders, an easy to understand book with useful knowlege.
We all have our personal take on things. I do understand what the other poster is getting at; holding myself in high-esteem is important so that I can simply be happy in my own skin. Then, I think it’s a good starting point as far as having a little more confidence around others. I also have plenty of personality and emotional flaws, but am guessing having more love (or whatever you’d want to call it…respect, self-esteem) for myself would attract people to me a little more; I could be wrong. Then identifying exactly what about my personality is off-putting and working on it. Seeing a therapist, reading books on the subject, bouncing ideas off others, practicing in this microcosm of life called the internet, and then finally getting out there with my new insight and skills. I truly believe that my failures in some interpersonal relationships are from not picking up a couple seemingly small, but crucial bits of information along the way. The emotional flaws that I have I’m actively working on by gaining insight, very slowly going forward with that new knowledge, getting constant feeback from my outside world, tweaking, and going forward again with my new knowledge. If none of this applies to you, then I’m sorry that I don’t quite understand; I’m trying.
Not sure you got my point. But then again, it’s a difficult point to explain. Sure, I can love others despite their faults but that doesn’t mean I think they can be capable of being good friends. I can love my narcissistic friend despite her flaws but not want to be around her much. And so it’s the same for me. Yes, I can love myself despite my flaws. But that doesn’t translate into somethng meaningful or real in terms of automatically attracting people to like me. I and others can legitimately love me as a person but be so put off by my personality and emotional flaws, that it’s hard to put up with me. See what I mean?
What if it were a loved one who had the type of faults that you mention? Would you lose respect and love for that person? If the answer is no, then why do you think you’re capable of loving another with faults, but not yourself?
You know, I see so clearly how my own behavior causes problems so many times, it’s hard for me to love myself for who I am. I can love myself in a general way,but when I know my own behavior causes problems with others, I can’t look at myself in the mirror and say I love you anyway and have that proclamation have any kind of effect. I guess maybe I’m saying I have to earn self-respect by my actions. And so often my actions are not worthy of respect. I’ve seen myself out of fear and cowardice not do or say the right thing; run away from people and not be a standup person. I see my emotional neediness and lack of impulse control lead me to blurt out every feeling I have. Inappropriately. I don’t see others doing this with the frequency that I do. So it’s hard to start trying to rectify my behavior with self-love pep talks. This might seem to be going astray from your point, but it’s how I see things. I just wanted to say that I’ve heard all my life how we’re just supposed to love ourselfs and presto we will attract others who do. I don’t think it’s that simple if you see clearly your flaws and your flaws are not small.
It felt like you were talking to me too. Very nice. Thank you so much.
Dear Anonymous: I feel your personal shame. It resonates in your words and that is so sad. You are looking for an answer, and there really is one. It’s quite simple, but difficult to face. I discovered this myself some years back (I’m 63). I also had a very sad opinion of myself and my lack of self-worth drew people to me that were often mean, cruel, hurtful and really out for themselves, not really a friend to me. But for years I lapped this type of person up because they gave me attention, made me think I was cared about. In every single case the friendships fizzled out because I could no longer give them what they wanted from me. No kidding!
The answer, I found, is loving yourself. And that means right now, exactly as you are. You don’t have to allow other people, their motives or opinions, to define who you are EVER. Many of us do that in our lives, but it is not necessary and really isn’t healthy. YOU can define yourself. In my experience, being my own best friend has been the answer. I was looking all over, outside of myself, for kindness and caring; there were a lot of opportunists who appeared to give me what I thought I wanted. I learned I have everything I need already: I always have. And now, I choose to accept that and be responsible for my own happiness..
Please: you are definining yourself as “boring”; and you define a life of rejection. This was me, too. Believe, me you have a personal brilliance: you just have to allow yourself to not be perfect and to not live for the compliments from others. Compliment yourself, you deserve this. Those compliments will be richer and warmer. Look yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you exactly the way you are.” Use your name and look right into your own eyes. If you feel uncomfortable about doing that, then that is a big and loud message to yourself that you have some inner work to do. PLEASE: we need you in the world in spite of what you feel or think about your popularity right now. Be kind to yourself and remember: your opinion of yourself is the only one that counts, so celebrate it!!
I have always have had problems making friends, and I have had many people take advantage of me. I have had people tell me that I am too nice. I constantly wonder if there is something wrong with me.
I wonder if people can become so desperate to have close friends that they often don’t see or don’t care about the warning signs they might be taken advantage of.
I know that I have been isolated most of my life, and I have self-esteem issues. I have begun therapy, so I am hoping that I can become more confidant and start making new friends.
To “LOL”: Why are you here, on a friendship website, if you don’t care about not having friends? Just curious, that’s all. I hear your pain and I share it.
Spiritual doesn’t mean Christ to everyone. Spiritual has meaning for non believers in Christ, too. But friendships can be meaningful without the added “spiritual” element.
Sounds like you my be very depressed, keep your chin up, when you feel like you have hit ROCK bottom, there is always a way to get back to the top, I have always thanked GOD, that I have my mother, I am 43 & have 3 people in my life that I can acually call TRUE friends & hey that works, I wish we could all say we had the PERFECT life, but we would be lying, good luck & take care of yourself , as you are the most important person in YOUR LIFE………
Hey !!! All of you , I am 43 years old & I shall share with you, that If you can count on 1 hand by the time you die & you fill up the 5 fingers you did PERFECT, FRIENDS are hard to come by, & I guess I look for a particular type of friend & they are not easy to come by, all though when I meet someone the friendship POP’s out at me, it is not anything easy, I have 3 & really don’t need anymore, but know alot of people, just don’t TRUST many of them out there????????? GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU………….
that is so true,coming to Christ gave me a friend and He sent me a spiritual friend as well, I have several christian friends of all ages, we may not always see eachother but we will always be friends because we have a spiritual connection.
I’m in my fifties and have very few good friends. I was a shy child and teen and
only had a few friends. It would make my mother so angry that she called me a Yiddish name that translated means "you’re a nothing". College was a social challenge for me. However I met a wonderful man and we’ve been married for thirty one years; and he is my best friend. I started coming out of my shell in my twenties. We had our first son and I did all the new mommie stuff . Then there were setbacks, our son seemed to have learning disabilities . Some of the other mommies decided not to "play with us any longer". I worked hard to make new friends which is so not easy for me. Then I got pregnant and our second son was born premature. He lived in the hospital for
eight and a half months, then passed away. We lost not only several close friends (some childhood friends of my husband) but family members drifted away. Again worked on meeting new people. Got pregnant again and ended up on bedrest , however our third son was born healthy. Of course he ended up with speech and ADHD, again some new friends went away.
Now both kids are adults. Our oldest son is an attorney in a large school system and our youngest is a talented musician, fluent in three languages and in the process of finishing college.
However my friend base has diminished again . I never worked outside the home as my kids needed me for one work, tutor, etc. I have a college degree but felt raising the boys outweighed big homes, expensive cars, and trips.
In my area of the country most woman work outside the home and hold professional degrees. I’m looked down upon and am considered boring. Our synagogue didn’t want me heading a committee because I only had a bachelors degree. We eventually quit. We have a small home and when I attempted to join groups and volunteered my home, some were snobbish.
I still attempted friendships. One lady befriended me, but only to make someone else jealous . In the end I ended up being the bullied one.
I think my biggest problem is that I’m basically an honest person and just expect that everyone else will be. I don’t have people radar. There are some nice people out there but Unfortunately there are some rather cruel nasty ones as well. I don’t always know how to tell them apart in the begining. Recently I had a "friend" who used me (and a connection) to get her child transferred to another school. She played on my sympathies because both my kids were learning disabled. I helped. Oh she brought me a birthday present, meals when I was ill, lunch dates. Yes, her daughter got the transfer and she blew me off.
So I’m feeling used and abused by people. I often ask myself why people treat me this way. I wish I had the answer.
I am almost twenty and i have no friends. It is no wonder why i am googling “no friends” and stumbling on this site–just another thing i do on the weekends since i do not have a social life. Throughout my entire life i have never had a friend whom I could confide my emotions with. i still struggle when i see or hear the word “friend.” ive been a home bound person it seems forever. I feel it is getting worse. Now with this no friend issue, i am finding it hard to focus on school. For the past couple of days i have been sleeping excessively. i find it hard to open up to people when i first meet them. I recently learnred that you have to love yourself in order to love others.
When I was three my parents left my brother and I and came to the United States from what I know for economic reasons(to obtain a better job etc.). My parents left my brother and I to be raised by my aunt and uncle for five years. My uncle and aunt were never around, they did not feel like parents. I experienced sexual abuse from the time my parents left until I was seven. My parents came back to their home country(where my brother and I were staying) after five years. They came to take my brother and I to the United States for a better life, education, etc. Why didnt my parents take my brother and I to the US and leave us with our aunt and uncle? They didnt have enough money. From what I hear, they worked their butts off during those five years they were in the USA to bring my brother and I to the USA. When my parents came to take us I didnt even know who they were. They called every now and then while I was in country B. My aunt would tell us A who is on the phone right now is your mom and B who is on the phone right now is your dad. When not on the phone my aunt would remind us A is your mom and B is your dad. That didnt click in when my parents came to country B to take my brother and I to the US. I did not know who they were. While in the US I called my parents by their real names. I live with my parents now and its a weird relationship. My mom tries to make up for the lost years by kissing me and hugging me constantly every day. But that doesnt make a difference. It is too late. I never received the kind of love my mom is trying to give me now from my aunt or uncle while I was in country B. There was no form of affection. From ages three till eight I felt like I was dead since I did not have parental figures and because of the sexual abuse.
During those five years while in country B I was isolated in a house. With no parents around and going through sexual abuse I didint find a reason to explore my surroundings or go outside. I feel like my brain has suffered as a result as of not being exposed to my outside environment. My common sense now is a bit skew. While in the US, I never learned to cook and was apathathic since I was already living the same life of isolation. To this day I am still home bound. I dont drive. I feel as though i have a bad sense of direction. Whenever I was in a car I dindnt even bother to pay attention to the road. Id just day dream or look at the clouds. When I listened to music I didnt pay attention to lyrics. You could say that I was oblivious to the life that was around me.
I am surprised that my brother doesnt seem to be affected by this. He doesnt seem depressed and he has a normal life. He is social and has friends. He has been aware of his surroudings unlike myself. How could he not be a bit impacted by the fact that he didnt have parental figures at least during those five years while the both of us were in coutnry B?
Although I lived in isolation while I was in the US, the only hope I had was my education I guess. the thing that kept me semi- going . I tried to get good grades in high school which is a reason why i am in college.
there are a billion throughts rushing through my mind ever day. I want to get therapy. I need to get these secrets out so I can finally breathe and let the little girl inside of me live again. I dont want to waste money and I dont want my parents to find out.
Ironically, I had a friend like this for more than a decade. I would spend at least two hours each evening listening to her family and work drama (when I talk the conversation would be shifted right back to her as if I had said nothing) and when we’d go for drinks she complain to me about how she has no close friends. So this make me question why am I spending so much of my time on the phone and making long trips to see this friend who doesn’t seem to know I exist as a person and eventually ended up leaving the friendship and spend time with my family and cat who at least acknowlege me.
Have you ever noticed that people who say “I have no friends” always have a friend or two, they just kind of shrug it “under the carpet” so to speak. As if this is some sort of contest. Who has more friends? Who has less friends? Who is friendless? Will people feel more sorry for me if I say I don’t have any “real” friends? I have “unreal” friends (whatever that means) but they don’t really count as friends so I’m friendless….blah blah blah… and they just keep whining.
Another interesting thing to notice, that usually people who say “I have no friends” are always sit on the phone.
Question. If you don’t have any friends, why are you on the phone all the time? Not to mention, do you have a cell phone? If so, why? Oh, I see! You have a cell phone for EMERGENCIES, eh!? Why? You just said you don’t have any friends. So who are you going to call in an emergency? Are you worried that you are going to die if something happens and you don’t have a phone to call someone? Why are you worried? You don’t have anyone so living is pretty much pointless. If there’s an emergency, but you can’t call anyone and you die, no one will miss you, since you don’t have any friends. So what’s the big deal about having a cell phone for “emergencies”?
So I’m sorry, but for all those people who keep saying “I don’t have any real friends” or even “unreal” ones, STOP WHINING!
I’m 45. I had two friends 16 years ago. Each living in a different country. Today, I don’t have any. For over 11 years. If my car stalls on the road I have no one to call to pick me up so I don’t have a cell phone. And I don’t whine about it. Why? Because I simply don’t want to have friends. I had enough with people. I don’t like people and I don’t like myself either.
So screw the whole thing. This is how I’m going to die and I don’t give a blue f about it any more. People are self centered, fake, and shallow.
So to all the people who keep complaining that they don’t have friends, YET they carry a cell phone, have wife/husband/kids GET A LIFE AND STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT HAVING FRIENDS because if you have a cell phone, husband/wife/kids, you don’t know what it means not to have friends.
Also, if you are married yet you complain you don’t have friends, you need to have your head examined! Why did you marry the person? Or you won him/her on the lotto? Isn’t your spouse supposed to be your friend? Well, there you have it.
WHINERS!
You are so right, to be kind and act kind, for kindness is the heart of kinship and humanity.
I have moved around a lot and most places I’ve moved have not had a variety of cultures and religions (small town Texas). So I have loved it when I have lived places where I could meet people of other cultures and religions other than the predominant one in small town Texas. Knowing people of different persuasions in my opinion can enrich one’s life. But some people are simply unable by circumstance to move from small town Texas, nor do they wish to since they have family and friends. So these people do not have the experience of being around a lot of cultures and religions. Does that mean their lives are NOT enriched? My own parents never were exposed to other religions and cultures, and rarely even traveled to other states in this country. But I think they felt their own lives were quite enriched just by the good people they knew and who were friends. As I get older I am starting to really believe that what counts is the kindness not only in a person’s heart but the ability of the person to ACT kind toward others. For me, that’s what I look for in friends and community. I don’t mind if the person isn’t from an exotic culture or religion as long as they are kind and are able to act kind. (Sometimes kind people have personality issues are don’t always act kind.)
I have found having friends of a variety of cultures and religions is very enriching to life, and going to different spiritual events with them has been awesome.
The original post seemed to be implying or outright saying that there is a connection between good friendships and spirituality as defined by being a Christian.
I know, people who know Christ are not better friends than those who don’t. There are good and bad Christian and non Christian friends!!!!
That is one GREATTT question!!
For me, the soul of friendship mutual respect and kindess. Not just in words, but in deeds. Wondering what others think about this question.
Yes, I would agree with you the soul yearns for something. Whether that yearning is satisfied with Christ, hmmm, not for everyone. Souls get quenched in many ways, my dear. Now is there a link between spirituality and friendship, hmmmm … perhaps with people whose spirituality is quenched by the same source. Perhaps not. This is highly individual and not a universal truth.
I know plenty who have found Christ and they have not been better friends to me at all. They have in fact become worse friends than they were before. Maybe that’s because I am not a Christian myself and they look down on me despite saying they aren’t judging. But they ignore my needs, are not kind like they used to be. It’s all about them and their beliefs. This has been my experience for many years with friends who have found Christ. If your experience has been otherwise, then good for you. But do not make universal claims that this is the case for everyone. It is not true.
I have found that the soul yearns something. there is definitely a spiritual element to friendship. when someone truly finds Christ, something happens which changes who they are on the inside.
no matter how much people resist the link between the spiritual and friendship, it is still there.
This same sort of thing happened/happens to me with a big group of women. Now I have a sil that is invited, so I even get to hear about their fabulous parties/events on holidays at dinner. What to do? I’ve struggled with that and haven’t had a great idea. For my own self protection, I actually avoid these people as much as possible. Everytime they are near – same old talk about the events/parties that they were at & I wasn’t invited to. There must be a better way to handle this, but I’ve yet to find it. I do feel that it is done on purpose somewhat, as who wasn’t told as a child that it is rude to talk about a party in front of someone who wasn’t invited?????
Liz
i read your story and it totally hits home with me too. I am in my 40s and have always considered myself a friendly person and have had many friends in my life. I too moved to a small town and have made some neighborhood friends. We do some casual social things as couples– but then i hear about the women planning girls trips without me, and or couples trips without my husband and I.
of course we know– you can’t be invited to everything, but why discuss these trips in front of the people who are not invited? i don’t understand that. just wondered how you are dealing with this and if its still an issue. Thanks!
CK
I can totally relate to your comment as I am in my early forties and it has taken me this long to learn about the concept of boundaries. I too struggled with self confidence issues, and felt guilty often for everything under the sun. Easily manipulated because of needing to be needed and very passive. Looking back the passiveness played a big role in being used because I never stood up to myself to friends when they would make mean remarks. My mother getting sick and passing away changed my perspective on friendships.
The couple of good friends who regularly called to vent and dump were peeved when I had the need to talk about my mother to them, and I’d get the “can I call you back? or “so anyways…” This made me see that I was being used for my time and emotional energy and I had spent so much time listening to them about everything under the sun almost each and every day, and felt like crap a lot of the time when around their criticisms of my hair, shoes, food, you name it.
Being away from the chronic complainer drains for a couple of years now, am much happier and learning to build respectful relationships by having boundaries and seeing behaviours that are red flags of users and following my gut feelings about the person. It is hard to trust and it is not given out easily as building rewarding reciprocal friendships can take time.
Wow..First I don’t feel alone in these matters anymore.
I am a very young 72, been married 2 1/2 times…the 1/2 was for six months, I was very young. Ironically, the love of my life was my last husband, we were married for 5 years. In my life I can’t say I have ever had a down and out good girlfriends. I have always found it easier to relate to men. I have no siblings and as a child I felt lonely a lot of the time. I am retired, so my days consist of having coffee, dressing and going to a coffee house with a book, then a gym…..I need to be around people…I have two daughters…one married, one who is still searching, I am her sounding board, no grandchildren. I have a home in Fla. but am a snowbird….I have a lady friend there and am grateful….but…..I guess I still would like a “good” girlfiriend.
What have I learned, you can’t make anything happen, if it happens it will happen on its own, and we need to put our selves out there every now and then. Hope and faith…..always.
I am relieved from reading your article. I am brazilian, a super nice person, very friendly and I appreciate and care for people and I feel the same way. I thought this was just happening to me because I am south american, but in fact I think it happens to a lots of americans, lot more than in Brazil. For this reason alone, I decided to move to San Francisco, CA where I found people to be a little easier and caring….But in my case, I am living now in Abu Dhabi UAE with my husband only, we barely talk or see each other on a daily basis, communication is rare; them I cannot work and I don’t have children or friends, now this is difficult.
I can be your friend if you like!
Cheers,
Ana.
I feel the same way!!! The world and many of the people in it have gotten so cynical it just turns my stomach!! Even some family members try to take advantage of your kindness. I say every man and women for themself, and God for us all!!!
Like you, I am also in my 40′s. When I was in HS and college, I had many friends and was very sociable. Now I only have two people in my life I consider friends. I don’t talk to them on a regualr basis and find myself often lonely. This bothers me sometimes and I sometimes cry because of it. I have my mom, husband and children, but it is just not the same as having a friend. My Best Friend in HS died was killed by a hit and run driver at 19. Since then, I have maintained friends with some HS classmates, but have yet to get with them on a regular basis.
I am a caring and kind hearted person, but I do not like people who are in the habit of exploiting others.I do have trust issues and wish i could overcome them. I sometines wonder if i have some personality disorder has something about my personality has changed. I use to be confident and happy, but now I lack the confidence I once had. I tend to see think the worst in people instead of the best. I hope that everything works out for you and May God give you Peace and Joy
I’m in my 40′s. I moved to a small town and made “friends” with other mothers of young children at a family center. I’ve been to many parties with this same group of people – approximately 15 women, their husbands and their children. Last year there was a girls’ weekend away. I wasn’t invited. It was hurtful to see their group pictures being posted all over facebook. Just found out that another trip, including even more women, has now been booked for next month. Again, I wasn’t invited. Two of my friends, whom I confronted, made lame excuses: That it was the same group that had gone the year before, not to take it personally, they thought someone else had told me about it, that the trip was planned quickly and the rooms filled up fast leaving no more room. I am very hurt by this – considering that I’ve done everything I can to be socially active and friendly with each of these women both in person and on facebook. I feel left out and not willing to associate with them any more. I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t want me to go considering that I’ve done all I can to be a fun, happy and interested friend. The rejection is quite hurtful and reminds me of my years growing up – moving from school to school where I had to try extra hard to be accepted into the various groups of girls. It’s never easy, at any age. I am thankful for the few long-distance friends I have from my 20′s. We keep in touch via email. I’m also married with children and try to focus on the positive things in my life. I wish you all success in finding at least one person whom you can share some happy moments with. There is something positive to be found in different forms of companionship. God bless.
My friends are totally ignoring me now and they say everything is my fault, and they don’t want me to be around them! My friend Jen is was really nice, but now she’s not like that she’s super mean, ever since the new girl Chris came they’ve been ignoring me completely! I feel so left out and all the other kids in my class are boys not tat I dislike all of them, but they all have there own groups! What can I do?
~ Sarah
I have to laugh, not at you, but at myself. My experience with cats–my own, my family’s, friends–has been nothing but high drama! Lots of passive-aggressiveness; mind games. No shred of love or caring. Just disdain.
I think it’s inauthentic to hide your bad days from your friends. I have a friend who tries to do that, and insists her friends do that. The result? A LOT of pressure to be Suzy Sunshine All the Time! I think my friend is simply afraid of the big, bad, sad things in life. And that’s okay. She’s human. But she can’t try to spin it into something positive, such as telling everyone she only wants to be around upbeat people. She defines upbeat as people who don’t ever tell the truth about the bad things going on, such as illness and heartache.
I have such a hard time understanding this. I love pets of all kinds. But never do they completely substitute for human friendship. I truly wonder if that’s what people mean when they post on this board about animals or nature being a sub for friends. May I kindly and gently ask you, if that’s the case, then why are you here, posting about friendship problems?
That’s how I feel about my dogs-including the ones who have passed away.
I’m a 42 year old living in TN. Due to my husband’s line of work, we’ve moved several times. We moved to TN from NY nearly four years ago. I dealt with infertility due to cancer treatment almost a decade ago and was ostricized by other women because of this. When I miraculously became pregnant at 40, I thought I would be better able to make friends via the “mom” bond. Boy was I wrong!!! I joined a “Christian” mom’s preschool group (with chapters all over the country) and discovered several moms were catty, clique-ish hypocrites. I was snubbed severely by two women in particular (like most people in this small town, they’d known each other since grade school and were mostly likely related). One of the women uses the group as a way to recruit women for her multi-level makeup business (I’m sure you can figure out what brand I’m talking about). When she discovered she couldn’t recruit me to sell her crummy spackle, things went further down hill for me. Due to relocating cross country, I feel I’m pretty good at chatting people up and making an effort to be friendly. I just get so tired of people taking my kindness and goodwill and stomping all over it. What gets me is how these women are in lower income brackets living paycheck to paycheck and still act like they are just so above me. I’ve given up on trying to make friends. TN women and other moms in general can just kiss my middle-aged cancer survivor behind!!! I’m tempted to teach my daughter friendship is overrated and she’s going to have to look out for herself, because people are cold-hearted and don’t give a flip about anyone but themselves!!!
Nice criteria, except for the second two. Sure, dont trash talk, but trustworthy friends, help us get insight about difficult people.Kind of like a spouse does. Soem friends are confidantes when we need to bitch about others or we are having a hard time with someone. I would just say choose wisely friends who can keep confidences and be supportive. YOu know the difference. Also, I enjoy being supportive to friends when they go through a hard time. Friends are those we can have a bad day with me, not be enthusiastic and susie sunshine all of the time. Sometimes due to depression or going thourgh a divorce, illness or just hard times, or hard day, our friends might not be all cheery. That doesn’t bother me. If you can’t have a bad day with a friend how can you ever be yourself?
After leaving a couple of friendships where there was a lot of drama and put downs, my best gf has been my cat – and she has shown me humanity.
Here’s what I can tell about making friends from my mom. She can befriend a total stranger at the grocery store, get phone calls from people we talked to only twice, and is overall well liked. I am the opposite and can’t seem to ever find a “best friend” through 19 years of living
1. Never trash talk. It shows you are just as capable of trash talking the friend one day.
2. Be enthusiastic and approachable. Even if you had a bad day, your bad day shouldn’t rub off on someone else.
3. Compliment, be nice. Don’t be fake but genuine.
4. Keep the conversation going.
5. Don’t be selfish. This is so important. Friendship is about giving. (when it comes to lending money though, use your own judgment)
96% of the time, people who have trouble making friends are introverts. Making friends is a social skill, to be as blunt as possible. It’s like… Networking on a closer level.
But remember it’s ok to have few friends. As long as you have someone to turn to, be it family or a church group, you are set. God bless
I wonder the same thing about phony people having so many friends. I think if someone is phony they have a big ego and all their friends feed their ego. But those friends probably wouldn’t turn out to be true friends in the event of a crisis; a crisis is when you find out who your real friends are. Please don’t wonder why you were put on this earth. Don’t compare the number of friends you have to the number of friends phony people have. One suggestion, that I’ve tried, is when you invite a child over for a play date with your daughter is to invite the mom too. Maybe a friendship will start from there.
This is a long story that I’ll try to keep short. I’ve had a small group of friends for 20 years. Over the years people have left the group in a non-confrontational way. Now the group is down to three. Friend A was upset with me because when one of MY family members died she wanted to send an email to people who didn’t personally know the deceased (they knew of the deceased) and who have also told Friend A that they don’t like members of my family. Friend A’s husband called to apologize for her actions. I wasn’t even mad but since then Friend A has shunned me and my family at church, grocery store, and community functions. Her husband has seen me and turned his head away to avoid contact. I told Friend B what happened and now Friend B will not communicate with me. I’ve texted and emailed Friend B but she will not respond.
I saw B about once a year; I never did anything with just A or just B. We would only hang out with just the three of us and all we did was go to bars. But they were a sort of security blanket for me. I’ve known them for 20 years. I can handle a friendship growing apart but I am having a very hard time dealing with being dumped. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much considering I had such little interaction with them.
I don’t have many friends either and I also just enjoy being around my husband and children and my dog! I have been very upset because we went to dinner at my son’s house and one of the women there said goodbye to everyone but me. This has happened to me at other times–snubbed by people and I don’t know why people snub me –maybe I am too nice?–one time it was just my son and myself and the other person said goodbye to my son and totally ignored me. I am tired of this. I know it is rude and I should not take it so personally but I am still upset and sad that I keep thinking I give off something that makes people ignore me. I did a lot of the cooking and the woman did make conversation with me. I should not let this bother me but it does. I told my husband that I am done–I am not going out of my way for people and I am putting a wall up to protect myself. I do feel good venting here.
True that it’s okay to confess you have no friends. But how realistic is it for people to want to admit this to others? Isn’t fellowship a natural inclination and desire while on this earth? I think it is. Otherwise why a friendship blog with so many people, including you, reading it ? It’s great to see the fellowship in the little things in our day to day lives, such as having a pet dog or cat or speaking to strangers we meet. That’s what I call looking for the siliver lining in life. But it is normal to want a friend, more than one even. I don’t think a dog or cat or saying hello to strangers is a substitute for a real friend or two in life. I suggest accepting that it’s normal to want human friendships and normal for others to feel anguish that they don’t have friends.
Do you know that there is nothing wrong with saying you have no friends.
Happiness does not been having friends.
Happiness is what you want it to be.
Friends come and go, just enjoy the moment and do what you want to do, be the person you want to be.
We meet people every day, every time we say thanks to the person who serves us in a shop, every time we notice the small things that people do for us, it’s a good day.
Do you have a pet dog or cat? This is friendship unconditional.
Have fun today.
best friend has been holding grudge because she feels I neglected her when I first met my boyfriend. Actually, this has been most painful for me because I know for a fact that she has been sabotaging my friendship with almost every other common friend, but I am still trying to work things out with her for old times sake and also because I can’t emotionally afford another breakup…So here we are four years later; most of our remaining friends have moved out of town, and meeting new people who are not related to our old friends is a challenge because we live in a small community…Sometimes I wish I could just leave and start over somewhere else, where I wouldn’t have to deal with so much unnecessary drama. My boyfriend keeps reminding me that we have each other and that is enough, but I really need a social life outside my relationship. I have been feeling so lonely lately…
I have had problems since the day I was born, cousin use to say I followed them around and never really played with them! I once knew a guy that use to look out for me! I can only remember the last moment when I took a fall he helped me back up! That’s something no one has done for me, sadly he passed away to brain tumour as a child. I still think about him till today.
In junior school, I don’t think I had good friends, but that was my fault because there were problems at home and I really didn’t have control of my life.
In secondary school, I found two good friends, in the 3rd year, we split, just drifted because of trust issues, which was not my fault. From the split I began to feel isolated and just hang out with people I wouldn’t normally hang it with, than two years later we got back together as friends just like that with no questions asked! We didnt have a discussion as to why we split.
Than we drifted again, tried to keep in touch on facebook, than they never bothered replying!
I have also fell out with other people, when I tried to get in touch with them in facebook they would just ignore my emails.
My whole life seems that I can never hold onto any human relationships! When I do hang out with people I am all jolly and just wanting to have a laugh than that just disappears over time! Maybe I am not choosing the right sort or friends, ie people who are more smarter than me.
Maybe I am not meant to have friends at all! I am glad I have found this blog!
I’m 44, when i was a child I had a good group of friends, when i was in high school, I still had some, now, i have no friends,I have a physical disability, tho i’m very ambulatory, I am heavy set, I look very young for my age, plus I have a young voice as well, so i don’t get the kind of attention i need/want from my own peers, mostly men,Why can’t society see there’s more to me than what they see on the outside? I end up doing everything alone, living, eating, going shopping, to the movies all this is done ALONE.This all makes me so sad it has drove me into therapy. By the way im in contact w a woman i went to high school w and a guy i’ve known for 25 yrs but they sure don’t act like friends
I just want to thank Irene for this wonderful blog. I had no idea this was such a common problem! I am an introvert who has sporadically had a close knit group of friends, but hit a dry spell about 10 years ago that I can’t shake! Of course, I look to myself for the reasons, like, what am I doing wrong? Especially after a good friend dropped me for no apparent reason. I recently met her at the supermarket. I really wasn’t going to speak to her, she really cut me off in a hurtful way. But I stopped and we caught up. She said to me: I hope you don’t have hard feelings, I was just so busy. I was working every day…etc. it turned out her marriage was in trouble and she withdrew from everyone. It turns out she is still married to the same guy and still has the same problems..and she said…call me. I won’t call her. It really hurt what she said/ did to me. But the point is….sometimes it isn’t you. Sometimes the other person (even if it’s your best friend) withdraws for personal reasons that has everything to do what is going on in her/his life. Of course, that doesn’t make it hurt any less…
Thanks, Irene. You have helped so many of us with this blog and your book!
I don’t have any friends or extended family, and it makes life difficult, especially when you see so many big happy families enjoying life. What really baffles me is why the most phony people, who talk behind everyones backs seem to have so many friends and family that just love them. Everyone wants to be their friend, family will travel hours to spend time with them, and they live these idyllic lives. I don’t talk behind people’s backs, I try to be kind to everyone and no one wants to be friends with me. Yes, I have short casual conversations with the moms at my daughter’s school, but it never goes further than that. Thanks to my sister, who hates my mom and me, our whole family believe whatever lies she told them about us and we are estranged from all of them. She also spread her cancer to my husband’s family and they don’t bother with us either. No one wants to hear our side or even cares.
I just feel so hurt how unfair life can be, and how the most cruel hearted people have the best lives and the most friends and family. Sometimes I wonder why I was ever put on this earth.
I agree with you. I have recently disconnected all my friendships because I felt they only used me or were around because they needed me for something. I will be 40 in May and I recently separated from my husband. Until now I never knew so many people felt like me. I thought there was something wrong with me. I am always listening to people and giving helpful advise when they ask. I never want to say something that would offend anyone but yet they never listen to me and do nothing but judge me. What is so sad is my 13 yr old daughter tonight at dinner just asked me why kids are so fake and lie about everything. She said I don’t have true friends because people at my school only care about themselves. I just explained to her that I tend to think it has to do with society today and what society has let become acceptable.
I’m old school and treat others how I want to be treated. Plus…. I have a big heart and offer help to my friends in need even when they didn’t ask. Yet I never get the same in return.
I find it touching and fortunate that you are willing to wait for friendship with hope. I am also doing the same and your words have been an inspiration to me. I have raised my children, without steady friends throughout the entire experience. It was very difficult and I thought I couldn’t be friends but then a nice man who I asked about bikes invited me to his bike workshop (it was safe) and I saw that I can be friends. My social skills are a little rusty but still there. This man is a good person and I will continue to talk to him. I also have a woman friend who has some issues with a disorder where she has many rules for herself. But she is a good friend, I cannot ask much of her because of the way she is but we do have a friendship that I treasure. I do want more friends because it is nice to be able to do different things with ones friends. My woman friend can’t do much. So I look for more friends who can.
A few things; 1. you say that people will think you are weird. That is called a generalization. All people are not the same. Some may think you are weird and others may not. You in turn may think some are weird or not. After you get to know them a bit. Really observe how others act. Is that beautiful person you admire from a far, able to be nice or is she so hung up with the “crowd” that she can’t treat others with respect?
If you friend hates you and you don’t know why even, that is not a friend. She has grown up from a nice fun child to be a mean person at this age. She is too weak to respect others. Try to make friends with people who do well in school. You could start by studying and making friends in study groups. This can work especially if you take some classes outside of school.
Also when you have a situation at school or in a neighbor hood and yo are a teenager you need to be first and for most your own advocate. If your family is able to help you pay for lessons, take some. Try something you like. This will give you something to do outside of the cliquish realm of school and the neighborhood. If not ask your guidance counselor if there are any afterschool or other programs that you could join. A great one is an engineering or mathematics club. They are often used to being different and it might be easy to make friends here. Just remember that you must be your own best friend and set good boundaries with others when you meet them and socialize. be polite and friendly, get to know people slowely and be your self no matter what. If some one does not like you. That is not really very friendly is it? The whole idea is to make friends with people who actually can be friends. Some people can’t. A lot a s a matter of fact. So, if you are a good person. Not accomodating just manners and respectful to yourself and others, the friends will stay and the unable-to-be-frriends will go. If there are bullies consult your parenst ot guidance counselor or other trustworthy adult. Good luck and remember you are just as fine as anyone in the world.
I am relieved to find this blog. I am turning 50 and this passed year I have thrown in the towel on friendship. I have been betrayed by my former best friend from high school and my brother’s wife. I only have one sibling and always wished I had a sister. Reading some of the other posts – I guess having a sister is not all it is cracked up to be either! I was unfriended on facebook by another close friend over her obsession with finding a husband. That is another problem with women – some are so competitive in their pursuit to find a man that they let their female friendships go by the way-side. I am single and was a bridesmaid six times so was always the nice friend but now the phone never rings. I grew up in a close-knit family and most of my friends were my cousins but always had friends but the older I get, the more difficult I find it. I work in a female dominated office environment and deal with a lot of personalities, mindgames at work so am often exhausted at the end of the day that the thought of going out again does not appeal to me. Thank-you for posting this – at least we do not feel alone in our friendlessness.
1. you need to get self confidance.
Go out and buy yourself ONE really cute thing to wear. Flaunt it. And always think when you get mad but you dont need to say something. Think, why should I be mad, i have theese really cute thing that im wearing, so if I said something mean im like a annoying mean girl from a movie. Instead, change the subject. This will raise your confidance and reputation.
2. You cant take it back
Go get a pillow case of feathers and dump it in a big pond. now tryto collect the feathers (all of them). you cant. Words are the same thing. Once you say something its out there. The most you can do is give an “im so sorry. I didnt mean to hurt your feelings” with a peice offering. But its still there. Wheneve you get mad, think about the feathers.
I always wonder why this happens, i say to myself its me not them there perfect. I know im wrong but i can’t change my mind to get it to go back. I mean i get so mad. I cant control what i say. I say sorry. Thats only once in a while. I wish i could trust myself. i call it bullying but everyone who i talk to just calls its me being un sure of my self.
They call me ugly, mean, stupid. I jsut wish i wasnt here. Am i the only one?
Spreading your wings, changing your routine, trying new things, doing something fun you enjoy that speaks to you ….. these are all good things, in my opinion. But do them anyway, even if a friend or two does not come. And keep doing them, even if friends don’t come as a result. And here’s the hard reality: It’s not a truth that friends will be found in life. Read through this blog and you will see that many people much older than 25 have written about a lifetime of being fairly friendless. For reasons not really known or understood. So it isn’t really helpful to tell someone that it WILL happen. It might happen. It could happen. But it might not. That’s life. But you keep trying anyway and you put yourself out there and you find things you love to do anyway. You don’t let it defeat you.
I’m truly sorry to hear of your similar situation. I often feel I prefer to spend time reading a good book or watching a great movie. I know it only temporarily alleviates the situation, but I really appreciate that it is there, otherwise life would be really depressing. What can we do? As another poster (is that what we call each other?) wrote, I guess all we can do is keep trying new things and seeing new groups slowly. I hope the spring weather is helping to lift you.
You might be right about their insecurity. Apologies if I am being patronising, but it sounds like you have some bitterness towards your sisters. This is only going to negatively affect you; it won’t affect them at all.
Just wanted to say thanks, and sorry for a late reply. I was particularly down that day having learned, by accident, that my siblings were visiting each other – they have to drive past where I live to do this. I can only assume that they were too tired, too lazy or just didn’t want to drop by.
You are very right, “it is what it is, but it still hurts”. I know that my siblings will be happy to offer advice and help if I get into trouble and call them; likewise I do the same for them – we are connected as family but not necessarily as friends. It is like the phases of building friendship have just been totally missing, even though we spent the best part of our childhoods together.
This is not to say that they intentionally and overtly ignore me. They have their own families and lives to prioritise – in a somewhat odd way I get along better with their partners when we have the mandatory family get togethers at the usual times of year.
I guess it might be the case that we don’t share enough of our lives now to build any kind of meaningful bonds. It is not possible to force someone to share when they don’t want to. I guess all we can do is to just try to carry on with our lives. I very much appreciate your openness and contact. Even though we are anonymous, it is still sometimes difficult to be frank and honest about our own situations. A problem cannot be solved if it cannot be seen!
My sister and brother are the same way; they are both older than me by 2 and 3 years. Ever since i was a child I was the one left out; I am now 55. The only thing that kept me a part of the family was my mother and when she died 7 years ago I was pretty much pushed out completely. My sister lives in the same town as I do as does one of my neices and her family but I don’t see or hear from any of them until my brother comes to town. However my sister and brother are in constant contact with each other as well as my brother keeps up with my neices. He has never once gone out of his way to contact me or my daughter. About a year ago at a “family” gathering my brother made some just plain old mean remarks about me in front of everyone resulting in my cutting them from my life once and for all. I told them I was done with the way they have treated me all my life as I have never, to my knowledge, done anything to deseve their disrespect of me. I don’t have contact with them anymore and am quite relieved. I dreaded being around them because no matter what I have accomplished in my life, no matter how happy I was, the two of them could make me feel insignificant and worthless in seconds. I don’t know why some people are like this. I just wish I had had the strength to cut the ties sooner. I didn’t want to hurt my mother when she was alive as she wasn’t aware of the way they treated me but I did myself a lot of damage by letting them get away with it for so many years. Because of the treatment i recieved from my siblings i believe I have had a difficult time making friends. I had a hard time believing in myself and didn’t “blossom” until I was in my late 20′s. Funny thing is I was the first in the family to get a degree; get married and I stayed married longer than either of them. Like you I feel most women are fake. They are like snakes: One minute they are calm and the next they are striking out! I think most men are egomaniacs. I have only one true friend, besides my 21 yr. old daughter; the rest of the people i know I don’t trust with very much of myself as I have been biten in the back so many times I’ve lost count. Sad to say but I like my pets so much better then I like most people. I hope you are able to break away or stand up for yourself with your sisters soon. Good luck!
I had to comment back to your post, im not normally one for commenting but everything you have wrote is the exact same situation to me apart from having in laws to vist, me and my husband and our children are all that there is due to broken down family/friend relationships.we have tried so many times to be friends with people but nothing ever works out.its true what you say really in life the only people you need are the people right there in the mornings and evenings, my husband and children are all i need they are my friends in life, i can really understand what you wrote and its made me realise that i am not alone with the situation in this world.thankyou
After reading all of these comments, I must say it’s really a simple matter. I know I’m going to be talking like as if I may know it all, but no one “really” knows me and know what I have been through. I’ve been through what you all have been through. Moving from house to house throughout my childhood, making so called friends throughout university and the places where I’ve worked all my life (by the way I’m currently 27 years old). I’ve lost my father at 12, lost my only older sister at 18, and lost my older brother at the age of 24. I come from a large family with the greatest LOVE because of HATE (another era of my life). I’m a really easy going person and if I stumble upon another who genuinely has good intentions in life and understands who I am then those my friends, are real keepers. I’ve met many many many friends in my life who want to stick with me, which they soon become clingy for their own reasons. For me, I try not to pity others (unless they’re helpless children) as I hope others don’t pity me – I hate it. It’s usually not genuine just a “Aww, I’m sorry.” Nah. Not even a human soul in that voice. I’ve met so many people that I had to start eliminating. [By the way I have over 10 Best friends and over at least 25 who I consider really close friends. These are the people who know me inside out and loves me for me no matter what. Sometimes I can be stubborn and depress. Sometimes we talk carp about each other but it's all a reflection of why we want them to do better because we know the individual's true potential. To keep these people (friends) in your lives, you're going to have to say sorry when you lose touch (or when you're wrong), you're going to have to admit why you value their friendship so the other can understand why you left them... To keep someone who you truly cherish - not because of popularity, loneliness, and or benefits - you have think of it as if it's you on the other side. Think about what they're going through.] I’ve learned to eliminate a lot of acquaintances these last 3 years due to my personal speculation. I’ve been screwed over so many times in my life that I automatically do a character analyst on people I’m going to work with or be around with for a while. I set my own limitations with everyone. Those who I find that never has their head on their shoulders I cut out. Those who I find interesting I try to understand. Those who I found a connection with I hold. I love characters who prove themselves in front of me. I hate it when they challenge me (for God knows what reasons – more than anything insecurities) when really they’re challenging themselves. I always remind them that. Don’t do it for me, do it for you. Only then would I believe in you truly. It will take time to get to know people but if you have an eye out on people it’s easy to read what they want from you. Remember there are people who are clingy, manipulators (the worst of them all), dramatic, self-centered (they always need an audience), and many more weirder personalities we come across with; also there are others who observe like I do and live the life we want peacefully. When you know what you want and stand at the set of your relationship with others you’ll find no problems to be introverted or extroverted – which in fact I’m both. I still have 100s of friends. And I keep in touch with them every so often. Although it maybe days to many years without a touch, with reason our bond is really special we can reconnect with each other from the last page where we left off. And I’m genuinely that type of person. We got to be “real” with each other and support each other wholeheartedly. If not, then that really doesn’t make us human. At the end, treat others the way you want to be treated. And if they are not treating you right (as I see most of you feel that way) then you need to step up and kick those who treat you wrongly to the curb. There are so many people out there that think, laugh, and talk like you do. They usually come in disguises. Trust me on that. If you show them the real you, you are guaranteed to be liked. Good luck everyone.
That’s huge. You *trust yourself* and believe in yourself. Good for you!
People want to be around people that make them feel good. When people feel like you like them, and I mean really genuinely like them (not fake), then they want to be around you because it makes them feel good.
I had this problem for years – I am in my early 20′s now and I realised one day that I just have to be the friend that I have always wanted, and then people actually started to like me, even when I am being myself. Some still don’t, but its alright now.
I guess its true that we like people who like us. So start liking people, because they will really feel it if you do. When you find friends that are worth keeping, treat them well consistently and never hate nor judge – just love.
Signing off folks.
You have a husband and children to help offset loneliness. So it’s perhaps easy for YOU to say that YOU are better off without friends. Would you feel the same way if you were literally alone, no husband and friends? Think about it before you tell others they are better off without friends. Do you think listening to nature would be a substitute for friends if you had NO ONE else in your life? Think about it.
I don’t have friends , every weekend me my husband and children are home alone family never come visit my mother in-law and father in- law are the only two people that visit use maybe twice a term and us visit them maybe twice a term I enjoy my weekends . Weekend are so short and in the week one is so buzy with work you need to unwind at weekends . You never know ho to trust and sometimes friends only use you we have enought worrys and problems . I’m happy with only my husband and two boy’s as my friend it is so nice to sit outside on weekends and just listen to nature and don’t have to jump around because you visiters . Friends are not for me I do good witout them I don’t have to listen to other peoples problems , just think how tired I will be on a Monday if I had friends and family every weeked visiting and braaing when will I have time to unwind I think you have less stress with out friends .
As someone who has had people who say they are my friend but then really bully me. And now in college rejoice when I think I make a new friend, making me feel pathetic and then I try too hard and I think they get annoyed with me. So many times I make two separate friends that meet through me and then become better friends and leave me out. I know what I do wrong in retrospect, but I am a nice person who can be a really good and loyal friend. I have a lot of anxiety when I feel people don’t like me. It is good to feel like it will happen and I don’t have to feel less of myself if I can’t make it happen in college.
Everything that I read that says people don’t remain friends if they feel you are insecure, not as intelligent as them, too shy….etc. I feel like screw them then. Those people are the superficial fake types that only think about image. I feel that if I found someone who I was able to read as being more on the shy side or just not experienced with making new friends, it would not make not want to be their friend. I would still want to get to know them because I feel that friends can be all different. Sometimes reading articles will only make us feel worse. I am someone who has a hard time making friends. I am not shy, have a masters degree, but feel that people just judge so fast and there are so many snotty people out there.
I agree with what you said about people using a fake front to use as a shield. I commented previously about two sisters I have. They act like they are just soooo much better than me and talk condescending to me. They plan get togethers with out me, but make sure I know they get together all the time. I only see them at holidays and they always act like they are above everyone and always have to bring up the times they have gotten together, so I can hear them and realize I wasn’t invited. I wonder if they are the ones insecure. I feel that it is not right that the two sisters I have that are so nasty, get the comfort from each other of having a sisterly bond when I would be the type to naturally be close to family and they look at me like I am so beneath them. I really hope these superficial types who try to make everyone else feel inferior are the ones who are suffering. They deserve it.
I have two older sisters who were horrible to grow up with. They are both superficial and just plain mean. I am 38 now, and they are 42 and 44. They of course are the best of friends. They have always left me out and have always been really mean about it. Even as adults they plan weekend girl trips to Vegas and don’t ask me. THey just go with each other. Sometimes I wonder if they would even be close if it wasn’t for me because I am their one person they can both agree to dislike. Every holiday, they are super cliquey and talk about the times they got together for lunch right in front of me. They are just nasty people. The problem is that since I have experienced with this nasty problem, I feel like I don’t even know how to be friends with people. I have ran into so many other females that are fake and superficial too and when their is a group, I am always the least popular in that group. I feel just the same as I did when being around those two other witches that are supposed to be sisters. So far, I have to see their nasty faced for Easter. I wish I never had to see them again.
Whoever you are, who are you to come on here and bully people ? P
Perfect strangers, these people just need a place to vent and connect on a human level. If there is a modicum of grub in your crue statement, and people on here are somewhat self-serving, you have just shown why they are concerned with self, defensive, and lonely. Mean people like you make other more sensitive people say f it. Good job.
Hi – have you tried CitySocialising – its an online service in the UK for people who want platonic friendship. I have met some really fantastic people through this site…its not perfect as they still have some glitches to work on e.g if you live in a small city with not many events going on they expect you to pay the same membership fee as in London where loads of events are happening…but the main thing is that by signing up as a free member you will feel like you are taking a first step towards reaching out to new people…..someone on here said something about giving things time and I disagree with that, I am a lovely person but found myself in the position of not having friends to hang out with in my late 20s because I thought new friendships would happen naturally, they don’t really after uni, you have to work on them.
Whether you have been formally diagnosed or not, it would be useful for you to speak to a mental health professional. Both depression and anxiety are treatable illnesses. If you can’t afford to see someone privately, there may be publicly funded mental health programs in your community.
My best wishes, Irene
Social Anxiety Disorder is one of the main reasons why I barely have friends. At 25, I wish that I could say that I enjoyed my teenage years and early 20s. Unfortunately, I can’t. Instead, I’ve been struggling and literally fighting for my life since living isn’t worth it anymore. I’m unemployed, broke, and severely depressed. As a result, I give the few people who decided to stick around such a hard time with my tendency to become withdrawn from them. It’s not intentional at all. It just happens when I’m stuck in one of my depressed moods. So, that’s pretty much where I stand right now…
It’s natural to want companionship with other humans and to hurt when we can’t find it.
A wise man said “we have no friends or family,only a life to live” I agree because we really are free.
i dont really have any friends either …whenever i am not myself i can hold a convo at school adn the people want to get together with me. but i am afraid to be myself because i know they will think i am weird. after i hang out with them i feel tired and just want to be alone…pretending to be someone else is draining. i like all the girls i hang out with but they dont know me..and if they did they wouldnt …i have been searching for friends a long time. when i was in 5th grade i had a great friend ..i was my self around her and we had tons of fun. but now in high school she hates me..and i dont know why. so i feel like i just dont fit in to any group
I had doubts whether you talking about me, because I am exactly the same as you are. I am 44 yrs old and am almost seperated from my 8 years old relationship. I have a six years old son. I gave 1000% to my relationship, and gave up myself for others. This made me tired and overused, in make two lives of my exhusband and son comfortable. At the end, i realized i should not live for others.
It is wise that you are taking a break to learn yourself. I am communicating with somebody recently and I feel that i am again overdoing things, bothering too much about his problems, while i have plenty of mine to sort out. I think i have a lot to learn from you, can take a leaf from your experince, and to see how i can positively change myself not giving myself for others.
May be it is my giving nature. I am going all out to help people, but nobody is there to even talk about my problems.
It breaks my heart to hear that so many other people feel this way. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. It is hurtful and sometimes the loneliness feels like it is almost unbearable. I want to enjoy this life I’m living, but I don’t want to always experience things on my own. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
is it hard to be youself with people who like you for doing wrong?
wow I am going through the same thing … no friends, family but I’m ignored unless it’s a bday or a holiday. I’ve had talks with my siblings about feeling like an outsider and wanting to be included and see them more than just on holidays … I get promises of things changing, yet in the end nothing changes. Many times I cry over it.
I was also in a single parent group … have been for 3+ years. There are so many little cliques. Yesterday I went to an event and again was completely ignored. I was the only one sitting by myself yet these people in my group didn’t even notice … or care. So, I made the decision to leave the group. If one is going to be treated in such a callous matter, well, I’m better off staying at home and reading a book.
I’m just tired of being alone and feeling like I have to invite myself to things (events that I don’t even know are happening) or I don’t get invited. It really leaves me with a feeling of why even bother.
This sounds so lofty and not realistic. Isn’t it reasonable for most people to want some human companionship? Introverts, nature lovers, animal lovers, solitary types–you can count me in with all of those. Yet I still want some degree of humans in my life. I don’t need as much as others, but I do need some. Isn’t this reasonable to want? I believe it is.
I am a 65 year old female. Lonely, would love to talk
Hello. Friendships, genuine ones, are rare and don’t always happen when you thing they ought to. There is the analogy of playing with the cards you are dealt. Fiddle – go and find some new ones.
It might be the case that you have to spread your wings a little. This does not mean to go and join every social group or club around, but just slowly change your routine to go to new places. Also, be patient – I didn’t make really genuine friends until I was around 25. So it will happen, but don’t try to force it.
In the meantime, use the time on your own to do something you find fun – maybe something creative and energetic, something that speaks to your soul. Hope this helps – you will find real friends at some point.
I wanted to find some time to sit down on the computer and then read books and magazines.
Hey, I feel exactly the same as you do. It feels as if your friends don’t value you as a person. It’s only been happening the past 7 months for me. Even the closest person to me I don’t feel as if he values me all that much..
I feel the same way. I live with my husband, who is my best friend. I have lots of dogs and cats. I love them all. I do not understand why people are so mean. I try to include everyone, but I’m always the one the gets exclude from everything. Then they have no problem telling me how much fun they had. Mean people suck. LOL. My family (Uncle, Aunts, and cousins) do not like me. Never have. I think it has to do with jealousy. I would visit my grandma all the time and they didn’t. Maybe they thought my sister and I were the favorites. We were not. My mom would just call her up and see if we could see her. They did not. I don’t understand how family could do that. When I was little I was hospitalized for my kidneys. Nobody visit me expect my mom and dad. I think about it. And I would be very upset if one of my sons kid was in the hospital and his brother did not visit. My uncle has never spoken a word to me and I’m 42. I have been to his house for holidays for 20 years. Never a word. And this is my blood uncle. I think that is very strange. My mom speaks to his daughter all the time. I guess since my family has treated me this way I accept it from my friends. I get sad some days. But most of the time I’m ok. I’m so sorry that there so many people like me out there. So many people treating others wrong. I rather not have any friends then be treated so badly. There are not friends. I just would like to find some friends that are like me. Not so into themselves and one way. Friendship is suppose to be both people not one trying for it to work. This is a sad world we live in. Thank God I have my husband and kids, of course my pets. To fall back on. I feel bad for those people that do not have anyone.
Hi , I have somewhat of the same problem. Im sure there are plenty others that do too. Help us out When you find the answer please share it with others that are going through the same thing. Could it be we are just too real and tooo kind?
I can relate in that my siblings (namely two older sisters), never visit me or initiate getting together with me.
I have jumped through hoops to try to get closer to them (esp. the oldest sister). I’m at the point now where I’m done trying because it is what it is….stilll hurts though.
Anyway, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know I understand how you must feel about this and if you want/need to talk, I am available.
Why don’t you come over to the Making Friends at 60 part of this blog and put up an email address (make a new one just for this) to meet others who are lonely or looking for more friends. Some other people have been doing that there. And there’ s a couple recent people there who put up email addresses who would probably enjoy hearing from you.
I know what you mean email me back
I too have removed myself from the company of friends and lucky for me they’ve stopped calling! Even my sisters, who I consider troublemakers, don’t call much anymore. I have finally found peace. I am a middle aged woman with a husband and three teenage boys. I must say however, I do feel guilty that it may be affecting my boys and they probably think I’m strange but I must look after my well being too. As my children were growing up I attended all those playgroups, school events, birthday parties and mixed with mothers with whom I had very little in common. Boring, boring, boring!! I absolutely hated it. I had to endure all that mindless small talk. Having no friends makes me happy!
you shouldn’t be insecure of your friend. if they’re really your friends, they wouldn’t make you feel that way—that you are replaced.
I have been experiencing this my entire life. I’m the youngest child and I think it stems from me being bullied by my sisters, cousins, classmates, etc. I think I don’t trust sanyone or something..i’m trying to improve but everytime I think I am in a good group, bam i’m suddenly shut out.
I just moved to a new city last year and I reconnected with an old friend and we have been really close up until a couple months ago when she let a friend back into her life (for the first little while we would see her out and she would talk about how much she hated her and wanted to kick her ass and how fake she was, etc, etc.) So basically i was really suprised when she suddenly let her back into her life and since shes been back I noticed my original friend dosen’t really talk with me anymore, dosen’t invite me out anymore and she seems to always be out with the girl she said she hated! even the other night we were all out and her and that girl and another made me sit and watch the table while they went outside and talked for almost 45 mintes. i was so mad when they got back and tried to go out again! Then i see my original friend and the girl she hated chat over facebook (it came up in my newsfeed) about how something was well worth it and theres lots of sadfaces and stuff, here i am left in the dark about it suddenly! This happens to me everytime I have a group of friends, I end up getting ditched for someone else, I don’t think i did anything wrong? Even worse I have been going through a tough day today, a family member dies and nobody has even bothered trying to call me, text me, facebook me anything, all I got was a few generic i’m sorry for your loss from people I don’t even talk to…not even from my friends i see almost daily. I think that hurt the most friendship wise. I don’t understand why people don’t want to stay in my life! it is hurting me so badly to always be alone and never have anyone to talk to. I always listen to them but nobody ever listens to me.
Hello,
Strange that I searched for this tonight, and found so many people experiencing the same thing I am. I can see from the length of each post how emotionally involved in this topic everyone is, and I am wondering whether or not this is a cause. Maybe some people stay emotionally at a superficial level, using it as a shield and thus do not fall into the same situation as we do.
The world is so varied, and it seems there are those that give and reach out, like many of those who I have read about here. But it seems that such people might be being taken advantage of. Ordinarily this does not matter, but it is difficult when it is your perceived friends who do this. The worse thing in my situation that it is also my family too. They never call me and only visit each other, but never me, even when I have invited them. There is an age gap to my siblings and that may be part of the reason. I’ve stopped calling them for a while, as I cannot find the mental energy to bring myself up to it.
I think I know I will make some friends one day that will also reciprocate, especially after having come here. Today I just wanted to search and see how others felt. I am sad that others are feeling and experiencing the same as me, and I wish that we all find solace in our words, or even each other.
Take care all, and thanks to anyone who reads my rambles.
Oh Sorry, you are right, the text is cut. I rewrite the rest:
1- Security: you mix the definition of security with singularity. In you mind security is defined wrongly I think, because as I reed your note you think that a relationship continues safely as long as your friend stays only with you. While you should consider that the friendship relationship is not a contract. It is not like marriage. There is no problem if your friend wants to be with the others. It does not mean s/he does not like you any more or is bored of you and has become interested with the new one.
2- Replacement: in you text repeatedly you say that you are replaced with the others. But actually I don’t see this. Replacement means your friend put you out of her/his life and chooses a new one exactly instead of you. But you say that while your friends are keeping their relationship with you without any change you start to be worry and fill that I am some thing extra here, so it is better to forget about this relationship. I think you would better to forget about this kind of thinking rather than your friendship. A human kind like us is created socially. So s/he needs to communicate. Not only with a single friend but also with a group of people. Friendship is sharing some things with the others. You as a friend of your friend cover only a part of her/his interests. But s/he may not be satisfied only with those thing which are shared by you. If s/he wants to start another relationship it dose not mean that you are replaced by the others, it may mean that your friend searches some more interests.
I wish you change the way of your thinking and stay with your friends and day by day increase the number of them.
I agree, my confidence level is in need of a serious boost. I have to figure out a way to improve that. You’re right, I seem to be putting too much emphasis on one person. I’ve been wanting to mingle with new people, but I find it to be a little more difficult since I’m struggling to make it in life right now. So, I fear that I’ll be judged and possibly rejected because of that. By the way, it appears as if your response may have been cut short. I’m interested in reading the rest
!
How about being friends with nature as well as with humans; make it a “be friends with both” instead of an “either / or” choice?
im 15 and seem to have alot of ‘fake friends.’ A few years ago i moved about 20 minutes away from the home/town i grew up in and had to start over in a new school. In the beginning things seemed alright, and made alot of friends ..most of the kids in my school would consider me being ‘popular.’ (not trying to be conceited.) They found me really funny, and just liked me. All the kids i hung out with knew each other their entire lives, and sometimes i just feel like i don’t have the same connection to the other kids im supposedly friends with..Most of the time i feel like they’re using me, and only want to hang out with me when they need me. Most of the time they wont even invite me half the time they hangout.. but the thing is, they treat me like im one of them. They make me believe im really their friend. They are fake to other kids in the group too, talking behind their back and not inviting them places. I have 3 of my BEST friends back where i use to live, and i hangout with them once every 1 or 2 months. They are real friends that i know will last a lifetime. Ive been really great friends with these people for about 6 years and its really great and i know they will always be my true friends. But, i need friends around here to hangout with. Its hard not being able to hangout with your best friends that dont live near you anymore. I never had a problem making friends until i moved here. Everyone in my school acts like they like me (and i believe they do)…but when the weekend comes none of them want anything to do with me. I just need some friends around here. Help
This turning away from human companionship may also be seen gently and kindly as a preference for other forms of companionship. There have always been those who prefer a solitary life with nature, away from the crush, bustle, noise, and human drama, in a cabin in the woods, or maybe by a pond, listening to frogs, crickets, wind rustling through the leaves. Their friends might be a lone spider silently spinning a web in the forest, wild birds raising young in their nests, a fawn munching on new leaves and flowers, a seed sprouting, a grub in the soil curled and sleeping, an unplanted flower blooming. We respect that. We honor that. There is much on our planet beyond humans, and much that needs our help and protection, if we are so inclined. It is difficult for some people to be comfortable with humans for friends. Many prefer different types of friends. Many are friends of the earth. Some are seekers. This seems to me both respectable and good.
Dear friend as a person who is imagining your life from the outside, I think that you should try to increase your self confidence. There is no problem with your relationships. The only problem as I see is existing in your own thinking. If you are able to make the others happy why aren’t you thinking about making more numbers of them? why are you thinking that you should be friend only with one unique person and s/he should be as well only with you. S/he is not your partner. If s/he want to have more friends why you don’t try to have more? You have written that every thing is fine in a relationship as long as you fill secure in it. I think you should change the definition of two words in your mind: 1- Security in a relationship: You mix the meaning of security with singularity. you want your friend to be only
Hi, I read your post about not wanting friends and found myself shaking my head in agreement. I’m a middle-aged woman, without children or a spouse, and will admit I’m somewhat frightened about how “alone” I am in life without support, however — if it were my choice, I’d much rather not have friends. I’ve looked at this very realistically — I’m pleasant, I’m relatively “balanced” (I don’t drink alcohol, I’m healthy, I’m kind and compassionate) yet friendships are draining, exhausting.
People who come in and out of my life cause drama or drain my energy. I’m either playing the role of a “therapist”, listening to their problem ad nauseum, or listening to their emotionally-stunted lives and being forced to talk about trite and uninteresting things. Every once in a while, I’ll meet a vibrant, emotionally-mature individual and enjoy talking with them. Usually, they’re off on their own lives. Nothing bad happens between us, we just drift.
I find the majority of people I’ve met in life to be silly, childish, and emotionally-stunted, thriving off drama and such. My perfect life — would be to be financially secure by myself, have my own home and PEACE and QUIET. I love nature, I love animals, I love music and art. To be free of others nonsense and drama is peace on earth for me, yet it never happens because I must work and mingle in society. If I were a multi-millionaire? … Yep, that would be me … in the beautiful, peaceful house in the woods, or even that contemporary apt. in the city going about my business … enjoying my company, and feeling free from anyone else’s nonsense.
The last sentence of your paragraph sums it up: “Human beings lower, not enhance the quality of life…” I’ve always found that to be true. If I were to meet others who are relatively sane, relatively balanced and like a peaceful existence, it would be nirvana, but unfortunately that’s never been the case.
I’m 36 and feel very lonely. I live in the UK and have a long term partner who i consider my closest friend. He has lots of friends – we’re almost like complete opposites in that sense and i sometimes wonder if he’s ever noticed i don’t have many friends.
I used to have friends through school, college and uni but once i left university, those people moved away (i stayed in the city i studied in) and i found it difficult to make new friends. That was 15yrs ago and i still feel lonely.
i’ve worked ever since and always had great work mates. We moved to a new city 5 yrs ago and poeple from my ‘old life’ just didnt keep in touch with me anymore and it’s been difficult to make new frineds now. Most people my age have married and had kids which we haven;t (yet). I keep in contact with old friends and visit but no one comes here. it makes me feel very sad. It is always me that sends the first email or text or makes the call.
Facebook also makes me sad (and paranoid) as i see so many old friends having such a great time and they all have such full lives with lots of friends.
I’ve never had a problem making mates with lads (who i find more relaxing fun company at times) but girls have often been bitchy and snobbish towards me. In my twenties i was slim and attractive and often ‘dressed down’ my looks to fit in more. I know how this reads and i’m not being conceited – i was very uncomfortable with how i looked. Other women were hostile towards me, men often came onto me but it made me uncomfortable and just tried to ignore it.
I don’t really know how i ended up as ‘this’ person. I was confident and fun when i was younger and now i feel worried about how i came across and wonder why now i simply have no freinds.
My mum is very outgoing with lots of friends and my dad is very quiet with few friends. I have one older brother who wasn’t very kind to me during our childhood! i actually felt like an only child! I’m not placing blame on him, we get on much better now but ive wondered if the fact he didnt want me around has made me the way i am.
It feels so validating to hear you say that ignoring is bullying. It is passive agressive hurting someone. You are very mature and thinking positively and healthily about this. Good for you
I am the same, i’m 37, have lived with my partner for 10 years..I can honestly say he is my only real friend. I won’t discount my pets either
…some people would think it crazy, but I love the company of my pets..i have a stronger connection with them than humans, maybe because they are so loving & accepting, sadly unlike many humans I have met!
I was a very happy young child and had many friends, until we moved to another part of the country, I’d lost my old friends & got badly bullied in my new school, on top of that my parents weren’t getting on (something i didn’t realise at the time) I think they deflected everything on to me (they couldn’t discuss things with each other…just frustrated silences)….making nasty comments, ignoring me…I would ask my mum if we could go shopping together & she would always say “no!”…she would just not spend any time with me & then I discovered she had been gossiping about me, putting me down, to her friends…who then would all avoid me too (lord knows what she was telling them!).
Her own mother had treated her horribly, so I guess history was repeating itself. If your own mother doesn’t want to hang out with you…I guess you just don’t believe anyone else would either, that is why I think I have terrible lack of confidence & shyness with others ever since.
I do also agree that if you come across as a bit nervous this can put people off..it’s strange though, as I have met people more nervous & shy than me and it didn’t put me off! It’s overly confident, loud & gushing people I can’t stand…people like my mum..because I know how false she is ..it’s all an act. She would be so lovely to people who called round, the moment they had left she was slagging them off being really nasty…and yes she is & was such a popular person lol!! (little do they all know that she doesn’t really like them).
I am unemployed now after endless jobs that i have had to leave after bullying. I am honestly not thinking I am great or anything, but I have had to try and examine why people have been so unpleasant to me, (on reading about bullying there seems to be a lot of jealousy involved..I could not really believe anyone would be jealous of ME!), but my fiance says I am a fairly intelligent, pretty (i don’t think so!!) and talented at a few things like art & sewing, I am always nice to people…so I have just had to consider people could snub me down to jealousy…even my mum!..she always resented everything I have done & it hates it when things go well for me.
I believe we live in a very competitive society now, people seem to get jealous over the smallest things, very sad. Ignoring people is just another form of bullying.
Sometimes I see a light at the end of the unfriendly tunnel..finding what I’m really interested in and joining classes/ groups, like sewing for me, I have met some people I have ‘connected’ with, maybe they will become friends, but nowadays I am happy just hanging out on my own or with my pets & fiance, life is too short to waste feeling sad.
If this is the “strangest post” you’ve ever read, you don’t get out much.
Honestly, is that the right thing to say here? How would YOU feel if someone characterized you by your post has having “mental illness or personality disorder.” Or “messed up person.” Or “makes no sense.” ?? How would you like that? Try to keep in mind it’s a human being who has written the words on this blog. It’s not just a computer keyboard typing, not a robot. Have a little senstitivity and compassion, for cryin’ out loud. And there are worse things than “profanity.”
The wording in this post makes me wonder if the writer has schizophrenia or some other mental illness.
Since it makes no sense and contains profanity, maybe Irene will delete it. There sure are some messed up people on this planet….
I agree–stop the Christianity blather. This is not the place for it and Christians are the only people who go around touting their religion like it’s the only and the best. Put a sock in it permanently.
Dear Friend
Thanks a lot for reading my note and also for your prayers. I read your response 2-3 times and wonderfully I found every sentence of yours exactly the same as mine. I can’t say that I’m happy to read that there are some other people like me living in this world. But at least I ‘m happy that there are some people in the world who can understand my feelings since whenever I want to explain my problem to some one s/he consequently begins to make me calm by saying some sentences which I had heard before repeatedly. I am mature enough to manage my problem; at least apparently. But initially I can’t make myself satisfied with the advice given by the others. Maybe because I know the solution but I can’t apply it practically.
In the case that you said we are sending some messages to the people implying that we don’t feel comfortable with them, I agree with you. I myself know that I’m sending these but in some cases my problem is that I can’t stop sending these messages. In my opinion many people around me are boring but what to do when I have to interact with them in the society. Reading this text, some readers may conclude that I am a some how proud but actually I am only searching for some people who are able to talk about some things other than MS’s, a pregnancy and B’s new girlfriend. It is not a joke. Really 2 days ago I opened the door and entered my office. I saw that all my fellows were sitting around a table and having breakfast. They were talking about the sex of two pregnant instructors in the department. although they were talking in their own language I could understand them. I sat on my chair and started my work. They did not tell me even one word indicating that they wanted me to join them. Suddenly I started to think that hey even if they would invite you to join them and even if you would be able to talk with them in their own language would you join them? Would you wish that you were sitting among them and tried to guess the sex of the baby of some instructors in the building!
Definitely you can suggest that my answer to my initial voice was NO!
Congratulations for not having "hate list". I’ll too try to change it. But definitely it takes time.
Finally I think that there are two options for every human being like me: 1- To have some friends who are too much far from her/his thinking and attitudes. 2- To stay alone and fill her/his loneliness with available things (every thing which makes you happy or you are interested to do like reading a good book) while s/he is hopeful to find a good friend later.
You may guess my choice
You are so much like me. I am not a foreigner here, this is my country. But it makes no difference, I am so much like you. I do for others too, and hope that they know how much I like them and want them in my life. But it does not change a thing. We are sending out the message that we do not feel as good about ourselves as we think we do. Others are uncomfortable around people who are uncomfortable around them! I have watched people in action and most people approach others with no fear at all, they expect to be accepted, and guess what? They are accepted! If I had the answer to how you and I could become more like that, I would tell you. But I don’t know what to do about my own insecurities that I am showing them I have, and they are picking up on those insecure feelings that I am expressing and they are shying away from me. Yes, we do need to get some outside help for this, but the only problem is, where do we go? I don’t know the answers, I just see the problem. I wish I knew. My past therapists have all told me they see nothing wrong with me, and that it is me who expects them to reject me. My mother rejected me, abused me, and this is where the pattern started for me believing that I am not good enough for others. It took me years to stop blaming others, to stop having my ”hate list”, but I still have an “I don’t like them” list. I know that the list would go away immediately if they would just accept me as I am, but I am not going to wait for that to happen.I now know the problem is within my self thinking I don’t measure up to what they are looking for in friendships. So I keep busy with the things that make me have some measure of happiness and do the best that I can with the way things are. I do have a few friends, but I must be the one who keeps it going, and not much happens because I am tired of being the only one who keeps the contact going. And I do know that they are very close to others, and that they keep the contact going with the others, so I accept that I am nobody special to them and this hurts me. I pray things will become better for you!
I have a hard time making lasting friendships with people as a result of trust issues that stem from my childhood. I usually connect with those who consider themselves as lonely because that’s how I feel, too. I offer my companionship, encouragement, support, etc. I genuinely like to make everyone feel good about who they are and try to bring a smile upon a frowning face. Overtime, our bond strengthens and a friendship begins to blossom. A person may even decide to consider me as a close or best friend along the way. Everything is fine as long as I feel secure in the friendship. If he/she starts making a lot of new friends or acquaintances, it’s an automatic cue for me to become distant. I assume that I’ll soon be replaced with someone who seems to be more of a catch. Then, I start to question why I’m in his/her life and feel that I’m no longer needed. It’s one of those “My job here is done” moments since I witnessed the person go from being antisocial to super social. Sadly, I’ve left many people behind because of my insecurity. A lot of them cherished their friendships with me, but that’s difficult for me to believe since I feel replaceable. So, I end up moving on to another person in need of a friend and the cycle kind of repeats itself. Right now, I haven’t been doing much of that. I’ve actually become more of a loner. I want to be able to make friends with people and stop worrying about whether or not I’ll be replaced if new people come along. I’m within the 21-25 year old range…
I am a 32 years old woman. I have a very successful relationship with my fiancee and we are going to marry this coming summer. I am PhD student in math and also I have very good academic background and results. There has been a big non answered question in my mind that is; why I can’t be popular among the people around me, while I have tried to be helpful for them. I am not shy, I have enough self confidence, I am not selfish, I try to respect every one, I don’t annoy any one. I remember that I had the similar problem during my childhood in the school and among my relatives and always my mom said that this is because you are a successful person and all them are jealous of you. They can not see you in this position! You know what I’m thinking about this justification? If I had this problem only with one, two or three ones I could accept this but what can I do while every one’s reaction is this.? I help but the betray. I smile but they refuse me. my office mate prefers to spend her time with others in their offices rather than with me. ( I should say that I am studying somewhere outside of my country and I am foreigner in my work place and it is unfortunately the fact that from the education point of view I am the first in the department and all professors like me! Also all students and stuffs know me but there are many people who only I see their faces and I don’t know them). I need to have a good girl friend. I can’t spend all my time with my fiancee. I need to have some other relationships. I tried many times to find some one, but the problem is that I can’t find some one who satisfies minimum criterion to be a good friend. All girls here are busy with the thing which are not my concern. I would like to have a creative relationship. Something which I can benefit from that. I can learn. At least I don’t think that I’m wasting my time. The only one here who is interested in me and listens to me and tries to help me is my fiancee. I can’t not trust any one. Day by day seeing rejecting reactions of the people, I add them in my hate list. I approximately hate every one around me. this one because he lied us. that one because she does not reply my calls. X because he cheated us and sold his car expensive to us. Y because took my help and guidance and took acceptance from a very better university than here and went there with out even a small call to say good bye to me. Z I don’t know why. really I don’t know why when ever I see her she refuses her face. Even I don’t know her name but I feel her hatred.
I know that I should forgive them. I know that I should eliminate them one by one from my hate list and basically I should not have hate list. I know that I should love every one. But what should I do while whenever I decide to do so with a new one s/he does the same as the thing that others did with me. I don’t want you to be sad and say poor girl. I am a determined proud girl. I am creative and intelligent. I am kind. I only want to find the reason.
Beforehand I thank you to read my problem. eagerly I am waiting to see your response.
With regards,
I have been through a divorce followed by a rebound relationship and I am spending some time alone to learn about myself before I embark on any new friendships or relationships. For the most part I was someone who lacked self-confidence and I allowed people to walk all over me. I would give in to others so I could seek approval and was passive at times. I have since learned that I have to take control and to not be the victim and by accepting that I have taken the first step toward a better future for friendships, In the past I was not aware that I was being used but now I can see it coming straight at me and I don’t give in to it. I would rather be alone then go back to the old ways. I see it as a lesson to be learned and an improvement for the better. My goal is to have friends that respect and appreciate me than the users. It is only just recently that I have found this out about myself. Is this common with other people as well?
Your cruel comments make me glad you won’t be returning. Have a nice life.
Read through all the comments but many of them seemed completely self-serving so I lost interest. That said, the Google search that brought me here didn’t yield the minor solace I was looking for… Thanks self-serving trolls. Job well done.
Sounds like a good plan. Given that you have so many problems on your plate, I hope you have someone you can talk to, perhaps a social worker affiliated with your treatment program.
Wishing you the best! Warm regards, Irene
I was very interested in your post and appreciate your candor. May I ask what brought you to a friendship blog if you don’t want friends? That’s a sincerely asked question, not sarcastic. Do you think you’d be more open to friendships if you weren’t married?
My mom is usually right. I am currently in between cancer treatments, but I plan to take some classical music lessons and do some volunteer work when I’m feeling better again.
NO it’s not a good idea to be attracted to a married woman.
Im 60 years old man. I’m in love with a woman who’s married. I really don’t think she likes her husband, she sends me mixed signals, I’m not sure if this is a good idea to be attractive to a married woman!
Hello all.I have little friends. To be honest i’ve changed alot of schools ever since i was a kid.I think for some reasons i’ve repeated two years in a nursery or whatever.I don’t know.But since then i was always older than the people in my year groups.Recently i’ve changed school ,again.I’m a year 9 pupil,but already at the age of 15.And people in my year are saying that i’m older than them and that it’s fair enough for me to achieve better results in both academic and physical education.No matter how hard i revise and learn and thusly receive good grades,they’ll just say i can think in a wider perspective than them and i should be clever than them.I LOVE rugby and i play it quite well.But whenever i do well in it,people will just criticize me of the ability to do better than them because i’m 15.OMG,i have had enough of it.I hate being exclude out from friendly conversations, but to be talk about in THEIR conversations(Badly,of course)I don’t know why but it seems true that people like picking on me for no particular reasons.I started to dislike myself.Sometimes i keep a lot of thoughts to myself,as if i have no one else to talk to or they’ll just laugh at my ‘silly’ ideas if i do talk to them. People say i’m a weirdo,a muppet, an idiot/retard e.t.c.SERIOUSLY WTF!!?Everyone around me tend to be really mean to me.I want some positive advice.Ty.
Poor lad , Jeffrey
p.s.FURTHER INFORMATION WILL BE AVAILABLE IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED IN SOLVING MY ISSUE.
Sounds like you and your mom both might be right. Sometimes—but not always—boredom can be a symptom of loneliness. It sounds like you had a tough time at school given all the interruptions and bullying.
My suggestion would be to develop some interests outside of school—which might be a way to meet new people as well. Can you volunteer or get a part-time job? Are you interested in joining a gym or getting involved in a sport? These are just a couple of ideas!
Best, Irene
Backstory:
I am seventeen and haven’t had any friends since I was twelve. A lot of stuff, hospital stays, surgeries, and abuse, led me to missing school regularly and when I made it to school I was sickly. For some reason my friends decided this was a great time to kick me out of their circle and bully the hell out of me. Being so sick and not feeling the need to go get made fun of for seven straight hours, I went on homebound. That pretty much broke me. I have been forced to hang out with people a few times since but never felt comfortable. I now talk to myself, not in a crazy way, and hang out with my mom and brother. My mom keeps saying I look sad and need friends, but I always tell myself I don’t want friends and that my “sadness” is just bordom. Am I right or is she?
Always remember that people who are mean are the ones with the problems. Their personal problems will come out in various ways as they grow older. You are old enough to leave that environment and start fresh somewhere else. Sounds like you need distance from your mom, too. Perhaps work during the day and go to college at night … Keep in mind not to generalize — there are all kinds of people out there.
It was the original poster being referred to, not you.
Oh, and I forgot to add: Every friendship I’ve had with another person has been an exhausting, emotionally draining uphill battle, and was ultimately a waste of my time. I have kept in touch with no one from high school, college, or any job I’ve worked, nor any neighborhood I’ve lived in. I don’t have Facebook, and no one calls me, and I like it that way.
I have no friends because I don’t want them. In an ideal world, I would be free from human contact except for my husband, and would not need people for anything, including making a living or having shelter. I would be a lot happier if I could remove myself from society, to be honest.
I grew up in an abusive home, was bullied in college and at work (and am now unemployed), and had a number of unsatisfactory romantic relationships with assholes. The only person I interact with now is my husband. I don’t even enjoy talking to my therapist, and don’t trust her. I’m no longer close with my family and when I see my neighbors on the street, I hurry to avoid speaking to them.
Several people have tried to be friends with me over the past year, and I am friendly and outgoing in public because I feel obligated to, but I never call people back or take them up on their offers to do anything. I genuinely don’t enjoy others’ company. When they talk to me, I find myself wondering when we can be done with it all and I can go home and be alone.
Throughout my entire life, getting to know people has created drama, heartache, pain, abuse, and in one case, a rape, which caused everyone to side with the rapist, not me. I have no desire for any friendships, and I don’t like, need, or want the company of human beings. Human beings lower, not enhance my quality of life. So there’s why I have no friends – it’s a deliberate choice.
Oh wow ,,,,, I can relate so
Much, you type what I am feeling/thinking.
I don’t think of it as a waste of time. It was worth seeing if she could be a potential friend. I’ve seen her again, since then, at dinner with some other people. She and I were sitting near each other and had a better time than the other time. Still, I am not anxious to socialize much with her one on one. I wonder if she is wanting to befriend me because her other friends are just too busy right now. Their careers keep them very busy. I don’t know if she scares others off. I think she finds like minded people, but in my opinion I am not one of the like minded. I think she thought I might be, but I am not.
Well said!! The delivery was insensitive!.
are advised by parents to not talk to strange older men, no matter what the men look like or how they act, or how pure the man’s intentions is.
Hello nameless person (can I have at least something to use to refer to you? A first name or a monicker? // I’m using two strokes as “new paragraph” because it trims all that so I’ve discovered. // I was told about the principle of over-personalisation. We are not as responsible of things as we might think, although it’s usually a good idea not to duck responsibility for things we are genuinely responsible for, this should not go so far as to taking responsibility for aspects where we took no part // The context is this.. I’m a friendly guy.. I greet people with warmth, humour, a caring manner and honesty. I apply this attitude to all, irrespective of age, gender or any other factor. Important or not my appearance is a little unconventional (not dramatically so), lets just say it’s immediately obvious that picking a fight with me would be a bad idea. // Unfortunately girls often have the experience or interpretation that all male attention is sexual, earlier that day my train had been cancelled, I was stuck on the platform with a girl of perhaps 18 (I’m twice that) who I regularly see, but don’t talk to, I asked her if she was ok to get home..(I was thinking share a cab), she got nervous and said “yes”, seeing her disposition I left her to it. She went around the corner and spoke to her father on her phone, she was at a distance but I heard every word. She asked him to come get her quickly because she’d just been approached by “some creepy fella”. I felt quite hurt by my gesture being interpreted in this way, I was quite low for other reasons so it came at a bad time. // I was told that I was clearly not responsible for what happened, my gesture was one of kindness, nothing more. Why I was interpreted in this way we cannot say, she might have had a bad experience..perhaps even with someone who looked a bit like me.. she may have recently watched a film that gave her this rather negative interpretation of the scene.. perhaps she was affected by the fact that it was dark, or as it was cold, it was just a ploy to get her father there quicker. // If she did have a bad experience it wasn’t my doing, I have no control over what films she watches, how cold it is or when the sun goes down. If all men carried with them my manner then she would have felt quite safe, so I was not responsible for what happened. She was not equipped to deal with a perfectly acceptable interaction… that problem was all with her, it certainly weren’t with me. That’s what I was told. DC
Hi,
I’d like to be your friends. I’m 65 and am lonely. Recently I have lost my three best friends, one died , one moved away although we still chat on the phone, and the third is very sick. I visit her of course but I miss the way things were.
would love to talk to you all.
Paulein
Dave C, your post was very interesting. I usually have a defensive reaction when I respond like you did (instead of the usual, “Oh, I’m just fine”) and admit I’ve had a rough day. So I’d like to know what the psychologist told you that was helpful. Am looking forward to hearing more from you.
it’s no wonder that woman was so desperate to befriend you, she must scare everyone else off!
Wasn’t sure where this one goes.. the topic of evolution is often an opposing view for a certain other topic. I’m not intending going there, . I have no expertise in this field at all, but a lot of curiosity and a few thoughts… I would be interested to hear the views of others on the below.
I believe quite strongly that it is in and of our nature to be a member of a group, a pack if you will. Tribal cultures we recognise as being more akin to our ancestors have that way of thinking, and we get lonely, a yearning to be part of a group. I believe this is a characteristic that has evolved within us.
There are certain situations where it is spectacularly easy to share friendship. A major reason why I get on very well with certain managers where I work is because my skill set creates certain obvious advantages for the company. Some local teenagers know I’m a former exam board official and are very much inclined towards my company, which for me is fine, I can usually spare at least a little time.
Perhaps then it is part of our nature to want to bring in people who bring value, strengthen the group and have things to add. A miserable person moping about looking all downtrodden about how bad their life is would weaken the group, need protecting and looking after.. instead of being the protector.
I’m thinking early humans on the Savannah. A guy comes along and says “Man, stuff’s been escaping for days, I’m starving”, the group will think, well we can hardly feed ourselves, we can’t be feeding you as well, go away. But if a guy comes along with half a gazelle on his shoulder and says, “I have this little trap thing, works every time, so easy”, the group’s gonna go, wow man, take a seat, someone get that fire going, you can join our group!
–
Off that topic British culture has this “how are you?” thing and you’re expected to go “I’m fine, how are you?” pretty much regardless of how you’re actually doing. One day my neighbour did “How are you?”, and I said, “I hope you’re doing better than me, I’ve not had a good day, problems with one or two people.”, he went “ah.. come in”… by chance he was a recently retired clinical psychologist. Ten minutes of conversation proved very beneficial.
Dave C
I agree with this as having religion foisted upon you is distracting and takes away from the heart of the conversation.
Do you mean me? Im sorry if i came off that way, i didnt mean to… I just meant theres been times i had a lot of friends, but still had issues this blog addresses. I def was not popular in high school lol.
I think anyone who describes herself as “popular” comes across as stuck in high school mentality and could possibly very possibly have blinders on as to her own social skills, Just a thought…………………
Everyone has friend problems at some point in their life, no matter how popular someone is. I’ve experienced popularity too, and it didn’t mean I didn’t have friend issues and heartaches. From what I’ve seen, the popular people when I was in school had the worst friend problems lol. This is because no one out there is perfect. Just because people are on this blog does not mean they are not as totally awesome as you.
So yes, do not generalize. Your points are good, but if you want to help someone, don’t put yourself up on a pedestal in the process. Just a communication tip if you are honestly interested in helping others. Hopefully that helps!
Case in point: I finally got together with a woman in my painting class who has constantly asked me to dinner, lunch, etc. I don’t know why she likes me. We have had only one convo that was a give and take on a light topic about some books and movies we both admired. That was fun to find a fellow fan and discuss a mutual interest. Other than that she talks, no, brags, about her wonderful past adventures and mentions all the friends who do this and that with her, She even bragged about her SAT scores from high school decades ago. (Who does that?) She bragged and name dropped about professional contacts, too. She comes across as “positive” and pleased with herself. Which by the way doesn’t strike me as someone who is a happy person. It seems more like egotistical and self involved. I finally did give her a chance and have dinner with her. I didn’t have that great of a time. She kept me waiting for almost half an hour and never apologized. She instructed me throughout my ordering of my meal, as if I had never been to a restaurant before. I made one mistake and i regret it: I talked a little too long about something bothering me. I wasn’t asking advice. I was explaining why I was preoccupied with something and why I needed to make it an early evening. I was boring, I know that, and went on too long. Still, she was quite rude about it, and told me I was neurotic and a rationalizer. I thought her comments were red flags that this person isn’t altogether going to be a kind friend. And that’s what I want in a friend: Someone who is kind and who acts kind. Of the two of us, she is by far the most popular. She socializes all the time and has a flock of people around her. I do not. But I would rather be me than she.
Some of your pointers make sense, but your delivery is insensitive and a little pompous. I would also point out another tip: “Don’t generalize!” And that goes for you, about “us.” Don’t assume everyone or most on this blog have few friends. Do assume most if not all have had friendship heartaches and care enough about friendships to post here to find out what went wrong, how to mend a broken heart, and yes, in some cases, how to grow a garden of friends.
I am a positive, well adjusted individual. I have a good sense of humor, can hold a conversation on many subjects and is a good listener. That doesn’t mean I am immune to self serving users out there. And I certainly wouldn’t accept them as true friends. The whole point is that we should spend time to cultivate true friendships, enjoy the company of real friends, not just collecting superficial acquaintances.
Maybe the reason many of u don’t have many true friends (yah..I have no idea how I ended up here, and read the entire thread..)
Is because of rigid, calloused perspectives and lack of creativity in conversation? I’m not finger pointing at anyone in particular here, but c’,mon, acceptance acceptance acceptance..it’s what they teach u in grade ten drama class for onstage and in improv. try it. Might eliminate the whole ‘waaah, she said Christ again! For shame!’ also might help in the lunch room. Here’s some advice: Don’t be a weirdo. Laugh on cue, not for no reason. Don’t stare at a person, they feel like ‘what’s wrong?’ healthy normal eye contact, duh. Wear nice shoes. Chew with your mouth closed. Don’t go on and on about your aches and pains…no one feels your pain but you. Pop culture is a good netral subject, so bring up Dancing with the stars or Survivor or whatever if you can’t think of some other ‘opener’. Lastly, LIKE YOURSELF. Why should anyone be your friend if u can’t stand your own thoughts in your head or the look of your own face? Hmm? yah yah, God or whomever loves little old u just for being you, but this harsh world is more picky, judging books by their covers etc etc. Take it or leave it, it’s just an opinion, but might just help.
Hi i am 67 and very lonely, maybe we could talk and be friends. I live in California and very lonely too!
is anyone interested to be my friend? need someone to talk to. i am 65 yrs old and lonely entering old age has been difficult for me!!
Thank you, I will try that
My sense is that you desperately need a trusted adult to speak with. Why don’t you start with one of the counselors in your school to talk about your feelings and family situation.
Hope this helps. Irene
Hi I’m nic and and I’m 18!
I can remember when I was just five years old, i made friends so easy, but as I got older, things changed. I was an only child, so my friends meant the world to me. We were all so close and I loved them. But the older we got, the more problems among us started. Out of our group, I had one friend that I was very close to. I was close to her whole family and she was very close to mine. I could always tell that the others were jealous of me and her, they always doted on how big our house was or our clothes were expensive.but when I was in 6 th grade toward the end of the year, cheerleading try outs started, I was just trying out for fun, but then I started getting notes saying that you shouldnt even try out, you suck, don’t even waste your time..well that movitated me to do my best and I was the only one out of our group that made it. After that, my life turned into a living hell. I was picked on and made fun of, from my best friends, and talked about me so much that I couldn’t walk into a class room without the whole class laughing at me and making gestures to me that they wished I would die! Threw bugs, paper and made fun of my hair all the time, I have naturally Curley hair..my grade dropped from a’s to f’s. I lost all confidence in my self and becamed very depressed, and all while at home,my mom had just had a still born baby..the day after we burried him, a girl at school that was in our group laughed and made fun of my brothers death. My mother was so angry all the time and I was just completely lost. It. Was so bad at school that my dad pulled me out and I had to start a new school, where I knew no one. I was depressed and alone. I tried to make
Friends, but I had nothing in me left. And the girls from my old school, made friends with all the girls at my new school, so there was no different. When I made it high school, being a high school cheerleader was always a huge dream of mine, so for me to decide that I was going to try out was a big step for me, but when I said I was going to tryout, I could see it happening again..so I gave up my dream, I gave up a lot of dreams. Now I’m a senior and I do not know how to make friends, I’m traumatized by my past…and it’s held me back and made into a person that I don’t want to be…I do not fit in with anyone and I haven’t since I was in the 7th grade…I cry every night, I’m angry at my self, I just cant figure out what’s wrong with me, what I do to people, to make them hate me so much. Even my mother, we do not get along and it’s partly because of my past, she likes to throw it in my face and tell me she doesn’t blame them for acting like, she violent towards me, my own mother hates me.
Please try to help be, I desperately need it. Thanks nic.
I finally found a place where other people are like me have a very difficult time making friends. I was so thrilled to read that other people have pain too making and keeping friends. I was learning so much. As usual , it gets off track and ends up in a fight about something else. Religion and politics are subjects that anger people if there is not agreement. Please lets get back to the pain of not having friends and why. Irene just wants to keep things peaceful and informative. I do too.
Hi again. Your posting made me think. Thank you for that.
Maybe we should ask ourselves “why” we want to suggest things that we like to our friends. Is it because it will make us feel like our choices are good ones? Does it “validate” our decisions? I tried hard to convince a friend to try a website for bargains for something. She wouldn’t even try it because she loved another site. I kept thinking she would be more interested in the best bargain rather than who found the site first. She wasn’t acting too rational. But I persisted. Looking back, why did I do that? What difference did it make to me which site she uses? Well, it’s because deep down I think people don’t think I’m all that bright, and I wanted her to think I was if she saw how I had found this awesome website. The conversation ended up being frustrating for us both, which seems so silly in hindsight. So we should think about our own issues and why we feel the need to suggest things to people, whether it’s a website, church, food (vegetarianism or non vegetariansm, for example), exercise plan. If they ask us, we can offer the suggestion. but then we should drop it if they aren’t interested. And we should be content that when they don’t adopt our interests or beliefs, that’s okay. We don’t need them for validation.
# 7 is one we might not think of, so thanks for mentioning this. Also, #5. (Many of us have a blind spot about being bossy or controlling. Many don’t realize they don’t always have to “fix” someone and so perhaps should keep mum about minor things. For example, if your friend has spinch in her teeth, she would want to know. But you don’t have to always be picking at lint off her sweater or pushing her bangs out of her eyes. (These last two things have happened to me and it is kind of irritating. It makes me feel like a child who has to be “fixed” all the time.) As for your points about Christianity, why not just leave others alone about it and not try to bring people to Jesus. Let others choose their own spiritual path, if any, and don’t suggest or invite them to your church and beliefs unless they ask. You might be inviting someone who is Jewish or who has firm beliefs of her own and might feel hurt that you feel you need to bring her to Jesus. Maybe the “do unto others” concept would work here. Ask yourself if you would like it if, unasked, someone sugested you convert to Judaism or Buddhism or Agnosticism. You might not appreciate that. If you are happy with your chosen faith, be content with that and don’t worry about bringing people to Jesus. That’s not really anyone’s business. I
Here is a few reason why you may not have alot of friends
1.) Are you really nice? For some reason, many people mistake kindness for weakness. I am very nice, encouraging, and supportive of my friends, but that didnt make them like me. That actually made them hate me more. (dont stop being nice. Just find better people to associate with.)
2.) Are you pretty? I have actually had a friend tell me that she tried to hurt me because she was jealous of me. Another friend would argue with me over looks because she said I got more attention from guys then she did. I am not conceited or vain. I am actually a humble person. Some people just have problems with jealousy. I cut them both loose. You don’t need to be friends with negative people.
3.) Are you a Christian? I have never pushed my religion on anyone or acted judgemental of anyone. I remember a time when me and 2 friends were hanging out and watching videos on youtube and I found this new hip Gospel song that I liked by Mary Mary and all I said was “I love this song. I want their cd.” And my friend looked at me as if she hated me. She would also get mad at me if I invited her to church. I was always inviting her to come with me somewhere; cookouts, dinner, shopping, football games, etc. But when I invited her to church she would get an attitude. I wasn’t trying to push my religion on her, I just didnt want to go by myself. Which I ended up going by myself anyways. John 15:18-21 (read this scripture) It will explain why people may not like you if you are a Christian.
4.) Are you a pushy Christian? Do you judge everyone around you, and try to push Christianity on others? This may be why people don’t like you. You may need to change your approach when trying to tell someone about Jesus. Some Christians go about this the wrong way and instead of bringing people to Jesus, end up pushing them further away.
5.) Are you bossy? No one likes to be pushed around or told what to do. Be careful not to be bossy and rude to others.
6.) Do you smell? (this is a serious question. Im not trying to be funny) I have heard people talk about someone’s breath always stinking or a person who always stinks and they don’t want to hang around them.
7.) Are you shy or nervous in social situations? I have this problem sometimes. Ive been told that being shy around others makes other people feel uncomfortable as well.
These are just a few possibilities as to why you don’t have alot of friends. I hope this helped! Also, I hope you meet some new great people to hang with
I’ve been told if I embrace jesus I’ll never feel lonely and any problems, relationship, work, financial, health, whatever, will get solved because I’ll be so together, thanks to Jesus, I’ll figure out how to solve them. It’s kind of a conversation stopper, that’s for sure. Kind of like telling me to stop mentioning any problems and just pray to jesus instead. Now that’s what they tell me.
Christians tend to idealise tha having faith Jesus
Will bring happiness and joy and fellowship to
Your life – total rubbish. My experience of Christians
Being on in the inside is that it can be just as bitchy
And cliquey as the secular world. It is a sad fact but
Unfortunately true.
i’m so dumb and inept that the only friend i kept was my lover. I let him be the center of my non-work universe. I knew I was asking for trouble but i did it anyway. to add to my stupidity he is 22 years older. and so as certain a morning he became infirm before me. he’s now in a facility and i’m wondering around our home of 30 years…alone, so alone. I can’t make myself reach out because i know the results. it’s better to be alone than to be rejected. I’m only 65 and my life is over. sometimes it pisses me off, sometimes i just want it to be over.
I’ve experienced the same thing. Now, at 37 years old, I have become mature enough to accept things that I can’t change. I agree with the earlier post. Live and let live. Enjoy your family and relatives. If a true friend is in the stars for you, you won’t have to bend over backwards to have one. Friends have to accept you for who you are. As long as you are nice, kind, generous and selfless, you have nothing to fret. It’s their loss, not yours.
i do not know what is hapning with me.i think no one likes me no one want to talk to me or if i will say something to any one they will show me sympthy. i hate sampathy.ihave done job for 4 yearsand left it for some reason i have left it ,i want to do some work but do not want to come in contect with any one don’t know why.even i don’t want to talk to my doughter whome i love the most .i am writting a feeling is comming that don’t write. i don’t know what is hapning with me.i want to go at such a place where noone knows me.how can i come out from this strange situation.i am 35 years old
Thank you Amanda for bringing up the subject and thank you Irene for your post!
THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED
Sepulvada,
Thanks for flagging these. We will not tolerate any profane language. I know it’s frustrating.
Another trollish post. Christian or not, you just like to provoke.
What kind of a troll are you? You do realize you’re insulting the OWNER of the website, right, and swearing at her? You should be banned.
i think your not getting it.do u have Friends?i wonder.lets continue debating about religion!
THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED
No profane language will be tolerated on this blog
Irene sorry but i have to say this.i read their comments.yeah this religion topic should not seperate.this is VERY related to this BLOG.
The “anti-Christian” remark was made in response to this lovely little sentiment (see above, but I have cut and pasted it below):
geez, no wonder you have trouble making friends, what a picky grouch.
It’s funny how the scenario plays out precisely the same each and every time: The christian promoters come aboard and promote their thing; they are asked to please stop; then they respond with nastiness. Each and every time.
I’m over it. Sick of them getting coddled. Good night and good luck.
Religion can play a significant role in an individual’s friendships but as you can see, discussion of one specific religion (Christianity) seems to have become a lightening rod in, distracting from discussions of the topic of friendship on this thread.
Anti-Christian comments can have the same effect, too.
Once again, it an effort to be inclusive, please try to limit, if not totally avoid, any discussions or references to specific religions (or political persuasions for that matter).
Thanks! Irene
Save your breath. They don’t relate to rational arguments and they don’t care about people’s feelings. All they care about is promoting their religion/spiritual beliefs.
then it’s a pretty sad advertisement for Christianity given that I have never seen another comment on this friendship blog that says “no wonder you don’t have any friends”. Nice.
Would bet a billion bucks the person who put the “picky grouch” comment on is a Christian. just sayin’ …
Not wanting to hear all about someone else’s religion when you have your own beliefs does not make someone a “picky grouch”. It’s called setting boundaries. I would get sick of someone rattling on about their kinky sex practices and how I should try them, when I already have a satisfying sex life. It’s the same thing.
geez, no wonder you have trouble making friends, what a picky grouch.
hi I’m alireza.I’m 16 and till now i just have 2 or 3 friends that are real friends.
there were someones who just acted like friends and unfortunately i didn’t realize.i was in second grade of secondary school that i made friend with a boy which we have same names.we are good friends but after a while somethings wrong came up with him.and after days i felt that somethings or some ones are doing somethings with my another person who sat near me at class.in the first days of school he made friendship with me until he said you are the bast friend i have and after a month he started to bother me.seasons came and went and most of the students were bothered me because i told to the manager that someone are bothering me and then i was a cc baby in my classmates minds.
in the last month of school our class changed and friends got far from each other.and the boy i like him sat back of me and the cc boy of class near me.after a week he started to bothering me.i was so depressed.what hell on them?
but one day he said : we are bothering you because we know you get bother easily also do you know that alireza(the boy i spoke about him) requested us to do these with you?i was really really shocked.
at the next year again he bothered me but he didn’t speak with me.until newcomers were requested by him to bother me.
till now i have contacted with these kind of guys a lot.
now I’m bored of life.bored of myself and hated friendship before i started to make friends with these kinds of websites or getting friend social hubs.
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease help me?
i am 30 years old and in the same boat! Idk what to do….I had my first baby when I was 15 and my 4th and last baby when I was 20…I have been trying to b a good mom for such a long time that I have forgotten how to make friends….
Personally I prefer the Tooth Fairy.
Now there’s a belief that I can get enthusiastic about!
Religion can play a significant role in an individual’s friendships but as you can see, discussion of one specific religion (Christianity) seems to have become a lightening rod in, distracting from discussions of the topic of friendship on this thread.
Once again, it an effort to be inclusive, please try to limit, if not totally avoid, any discussions or references to specific religions (or political persuasions for that matter).
Thanks! Irene
Irene I have posted several times in response to the Christian proselyters who have ONCE AGAIN for the tenth or so time come here to push their views. This is not my and I apologize to YOU and to YOU ALONE for hijacking your blog and venting. I am just so bloody sick and tired of the Christians pulling this proselytizing stunt.
That’s the same old saw every Christian proselytizer says: “I can’t separate my beliefs from …. fill in the blank.” Well, here’s a news flash: TRY. We all have to “separate” things in our life. We can’t go to the office and push our political views on people. Even if “we can’t separate them” from the rest of our lives. It’s called being an adult and living in a world where not everyplace is the right venue to disucss everything that affects us. No one here has said that their beliefs don’t guide themselves. What has been said, and requested, is that the Chrisitans STOP PROSELYTIZING ON THIS BLOG. And let’s not be confused here. There is no other religious or spiritual group other than Christians who have pushed their views here. I have never seen a Muslim, Buddhist, Jew, atheist, deist or anyone else push their views on these matters. It’s always the Christians. Always. Always.
You said “They are trying to control what others believe.” You said “those who have a problem with that are trying to force others to their way of thinking.” NO, that is not accurate. I don’t give a hoot what you or anyone believes. I don’t give a hoot if others believe what I personally do or do not believe. But I do give a hoot when Christians push Christianity on this blog. Some of us are Jewish and do not appreciate having Christianity pushed onto us. I have read this blog since its beginning and I have never,ever seen anyone of any faith or religion push it EXCEPT for the Chrisitans. Yet over and over again the Chrisitans come here and push. Why is that? Because they are bound and determined to proselytize. They cannot rest until everyone believes in Christianity. Well, go start your own blog and push views about being a Christian there.
The Christian proselytizers don’t care that it’s Irene’s blog. They are bound and determined to push their Christian stuff onto anyone who will listen. Then they play the victim if someone dares to suggest that not everyone shares their beliefs. They have come to this blog over and over again, pushing their views. I wish they would start their own “Friendship Blog for Christians” and go post there. They have been asked politely, but they don’t stop. Well, polite time is over. I’m asking, bluntly and pointedly, STOP PUSHING CHRISTIANITY ON PEOPLE!!!! The world has all kinds of beliefs and non beliefs about religion, spirituality, and the bunny rabbit.
Why don’t you start your own “Friendship Blog for Christians” and then you can proselytize to your heart’s content THERE and not HERE??????
Did you NOT read Irene’s post two messages up from yours? This is *her* blog. What she says goes.
the whole point of this blog is to exchange ideas and offer help to others who are hurting and lonely. If someone finds help and comfort in Christ they should be aloud to share that with others. If someone wants to stop them than its that person who is ruining the freedom of expression on this blog. They are trying to control what others believe when it conflicts with their own. Their the real ones who are trying to proselytize others to there beliefs. The Christian was just sharing what helped her and offering it to those who may be interested. those who have a problem with that are trying to force others to their way of thinking!
this is the perfect place to discuss religion. You can’t separate your beliefs from the way they influence your relationships. Your beliefs guide your approach to life including your relationships. Anyone who thinks otherwise is not being honest with themselves.
It seems to me they where only sharing Christ because they where sharing their heart and that is what is in their heart. Christians have a right to share their view to help those interested. If your not interested then ignore the post! There is other posts that annoy me but I don’t criticize them. It sounds like you are the one who is making things uncomfortable!
Interesting how these men who are pushing 60 but claim they look and feel like 30 keep posting on this friendship blog.
I’ve asked people over and over again what I’m doing wrong, and they always say “nothing”. But then I’m dropped or just avoided. Every church or workplace. Every class. What gives? I see other people talking, laughing, making plans. But they’re always too busy to call or email or even talk to me. Haven’t dated in years, even though people tell me I’m attractive. But no one accepts my invitations. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m 34 years old, not a damn teenager. Will someone please tell me what I’m doing wrong??
i left a url in my previous post that should have been
dailynightly.freewebpages.org/2010-09-11%2017-21-53.566.jpg
it’s a picture of me at a glance /i’m the 57 year old that posted with the same header as above.it’s not porn,it’s a legitimate picture of me.when viewed after or before reading my previous post it gives an idea partly of why i’m lonely along with the actual comment i left as well
i’m 57 years old..my friends are all married and have families or just married and are busy with their lives every day with no time for a single 57 year old.i don’t get along with most people my age anyway ,as they’re what i call 70′s people.everything they reminisce and talk about has to do with the 70′s.over time i became an 80′s person and don’t have much use for the 70′s decade whatsover.i even hung out with people 10-12 younger than me in the 80′s and 90′s as i looked much yonger than my real age(and still do)/being disable recieving total disability,because i have delayed sleep phase syndrome(since 21 years old),i have nights and days to do whatever i want and never succumbed to thinking old.i’m as physically healthy as i was in my 30′s.not a pain in my body and i do the treadmill 3 times a day.my lnliness has to do with the fact that i don’t enjoy people my age and have more in common with people in their 30′s than i do with people in their 50′s/also my pass time interests are different than most.due to the fact i never held a job like most people,i’ve gotten used to doing what want..i enjoy cruising at 2and 3am listening and talking on the CB radio ,hanging out at walmart and dennys all hours of the night.i’m into watching 80′s music videos and watching movies,especially of the 80′s..as you can see i’m like a 57 year old kid.i admit it …of course women show disinterest in me the moment the moment they find i’m disabled/unemployed..and guys don’t have the time ‘nor especially the interest to do the things i like to do.i don’t drink and don’t party.not even pot.like a much younger person,i enjoy theme parks and the like..i never grewin to a grandpa in my thinking/i could probably get along with my 18 year old cousins if it weren’t the obvious difference in ages.i’m interested in many of the same bands and movies and tings they do in their pass time.needless to say i stay pretty lonely.i’ve actually been given some real bad advice before.which amounts to nothing more than to toss all my interests in the garbage and learn to be interested in old stuff.. begin acting old..that’s absurd.anyway i’m always by myself and am lonely..terribally//told you my problem is different than most.eventhough i’m almost 60,my pic is at http://mepix.rr.nu to give you an idea of my appearance at a glance.any rational advice would be helful cause i really am lonely(but not to the point of throwing away my interests to begin ‘acting my age’.that’s just plain ridiculous)
I found your blog by looking for an explanation for my own loneliness and lack of friends, or even an understanding of how to keep friends. I have always been plagued with this loneliness and inability. When I have a friend or a few friends, I can’t relate to them like I’d like to and they fall away as I loose interest and they do too. As much as I see that I’m insecure and introverted, I want to change. I want to have close friends and feel confident in my social abilities. However, I have only been able to sustain intimacy with romantic partners. I fear that my inabilities will inevitably destroy me, as well as my relationship with my boyfriend. I wish I could offer insight, but alas, all I can offer is comradery. Perhaps all these lonely and inept people should get together for a drink. If only!
Hey! Sorry I haven’t replied earlier. How do I cope??? I actually don’t even know. I get busy with myself… work, uni, yoga, working out… I do everything I possibly can to be busy. But from time to time the issue always comes up… The difficult part is doing all of this and even like that being alone….Honestly I’m still socially awkward, and there are days at uni that I wish that the ground would swallow me whole, but somehow life goes on. If I have on piece of advice… Talking to your husband doesn’t cut it. They do get bored. When I’m really down I get talking with my mom …. the outcome is always more positive
I am an old child too. I feel detached and isolated from others. People whom I thought were friends claim that they are too busy to send even a quick email. Just a “hello” via text would be nice. But I have found that there are many people who are in the same position and there are many people who would love to have a friend. Like anything in life, persistance is the key. Genuine friendship is out there. Just keep searching. And as for the friends who never make contact: live and let live.
Can we please keep the promotion of Christianity off of the blog? That’s the only religious or spiritual belief that seems to get promoted here. I don’t see Jews, Muslims, Agnostics, Atheists, Buddhists, or anyone else do this. Just the Christians. I’m asking politely if they will please stop doing this. It makes people uncomfortable if they don’t share this belief. Thank you. This about the tenth time it has happened.
You are so right, Jesus can be a friend at all times. I just recently (2 years ago) started my walk with Him. I haven’t made any real close friends in my church yet, mainly acquaintances, but He will bring them to me if that is His path for my life. I am married with 2 children ages 12 and 14 that I homeschool. So, other than church, I don’t get out often.
I just wanted to tell you I liked your post.
Ok, so I know I have social anxiety and I am introverted! I have a few very close friends that I have known since childhood. However, I don’t know what I am doing wrong. This happens in every work place I have ever been in. I talk, make people laugh, I think I get along with others. But then nothing! I never get invited out, no baby showers , weddings, for drinks, nothing. And then they all make plans and talk about it front of me! I just don’t get it! And then there are people that I worked with in the past! Walk past me like they never met me! How hard is it for a simple hello? What am I doing wrong??
I’m in the same boat. Just keep yourself busy that keeps my sanity. What little I have.
Amen! Thank you, Irene, for putting a polite stop to the Christian proselytizing! It’s uncomfortable for those of us who are not practitioners of that belief.
This is Irene. Please try to avoid discussion of specific religions or religious practices. This blog is intended to focus on the general topic of friendship and while we accept differences among us, this is not the appropriate place to discuss different theologies.
Thanks for your cooperation. Thanks to those who brought this to my attention, too.
Let’s not nit pick over adjectives like “religion” or “spiritual.” What was promoted was Christianity, being a Christian, accepting Jesus Christ as one’s savior. .
This poster could be me. And reading through the response Irene’s response I can identify pieces of my character which don’t make my friendships stick.
I’m single, no children, I live in a foreign country where it’s hard to form friendships over 40. I can join various groups that do things together, but it’s an empty existence for me. At the end of the day, I end up alone at home and this is where it goes bad.
Depression sets in and it’s a cycle I can’t break. I developed a gambling habit that has now left me broke and bound to an empty house – the cycle continues.
So now that I’m at a low again in my never ending cycle …
He promoted spirituality in Christianity, there’s a difference.
Yes, “seriously”. A good question was raised: How is this comment to promote a religion helpful if the lonely person does not subscribe to that religion? Legitimate question, politely asked.
No one is “ganging up” on anyone. A polite request was made to leave religious proselytizing off of this blog.
That’s all. What’s wrong with that? Nothing, that’s what.
since moving to new york for school i havent any friends.. anyone out there, near brooklyn???
Gees everyone gang up on the Christian people
Hi molly, I feel the same. We don’t have a lot of family and the few here we see once a year when we organize something. Friends I know a lot of people but don’t have any friends. No one calls or texts me. We even took people away with us down to our holiday house, had a wonderful time and never heard from them for ages that’s I. They are busy as they have lots of family. I’m starting to become introverted and depressed can’t be bothered organizing anymore. I understand your frustrations. Even though I have my husband and kids, I’m very lonely and would love a good friend, someone to ring me for a change, suggest going out. If I don’t organize something we don’t go out.
I’m almost 50, can’t believe how my life has turned out.
Seriously huh?
Now that I am 50 I am very happy with this life style. I stuggled in my early years just like you have described. I had one good friend through the last 25 years and now we have fallen to the wayside, I believe because she is not as successful as me. I don’t get it as I never mentioned or made a comment about the difference in our salaries. She brought it up most times and to make things worse an old flame of mine came back into my life and she appears jealous. She is married by the way. I am fairly good looking for my age and successful. I am very outgoing at work and have lots of acquaintances there, but I feel like people just use me when they get close to me or get jealous. I don’t get it….it is frustrating. I just think this life and I make the best of it. I too get along remarkably with older women, but they have their lives with older friends and I don’t want to burden them or really don’t have the same interests. Hang in there maybe you will be luckier than me with the friend thing.
Hey! I am an only child too and i feel like crying reading your story because it is so much like mine! I am 21 and getting married in a yr and a half and just like you it will be my husband and my little dog. I am experiencing the exact same with friends (or lack thereof) and my bf says it is bc girls are jealous and i too am now believing it because i do get compliments from people. BUT I dont CARE!! I feel like i am burdening him when i get depressed about lack of female company. How have you been going?? How are you coping with everything?
I have an issue that I have a horrible taste when it comes to picking friends. They become friends with me and maybe years later they get to useing me. But anyway, my real issue is the people my age, I can keep friends who are 10 to 15 years older than me but people in their 20s seem to annoy the sh*t out of me. I would like people my own age as friends for the simple fact, I don’t do what the normal, stereotypical 21 year old should do. I would like to party but my friends who are in their 30s are like nah I aint feeling that. How do I go about finding mature enough 21 year old friends?
Can we leave Christian proselytizing off of this blog??(Same for other religions, although I never see other religions being promoted here, just Christianity.) . Thank you.
Not helpful if the person who is lonely doesn’t find comfort in the belief of a long-dead person, or is not of that religion. I’m glad you have found comfort in Christ, but has it helped you in the world of real people?
until recently, I found Jesus Christ. At least no matter how I don’t have any friends in this world, spiritually, I I have Christ with me. At least I am more confident in that aspect. So adopt a friend in Christ. Once you accept him, he can open doors to new friendships and relationships. I felt this way like most of you folks, friendships lost, bad break-ups, and people hating you for no reason, but at least I know Christ doesn’t hate me.
Terry
OMG, Sounds like me, I work, single mum of two, haven’t had a relationship for 2 yrs, but that’s ok,. But I have a problem with single mums my age, I have more so my daughter’s friends (8-9) so for company she has friends over, usually after school and if it’s nice weather we go out, but apart from the odd favour, I cannot recall my daughte’rs friends returning the favour why?
I have like two friends left. One lives in another state and the others lifestyle is so different then mine I can’t keep up. Other than that I have lost friends along the way. I am a student and have thrown myself into studying. I have limited time and those days I do find some free time I can’t find anyone to hang out with. It is very lonely so I feel for you all. It sucks I have not been good at making new friends. All the friends I have had have been since high school. Most of them we don’t talk anymore we grew apart. I use to be more social before I had my son. Now that I have a child to take care of work and school and a husband it is hard to find the time to make or keep friends. I don’t have much conversation just school/work/child/husband. So even if I am out with my friends they think I am boring and always asking if I am having a good time. I don’t know what gives people the impression I am not having a good time but oh well. I guess I better just get use to being lonely.
The original poster said,
you know what i am always lonley i go to cafe where all ages sites but i cannot have any friends even were i am sitting this is bad i show my friends…
You’re lonely and don’t have friends – but you’re sitting in a cafe with your friends? I’m lost.
In all my years on the web, and this includes being a moderator on my own forums and those of others, that has to be one of the strangest posts I’ve ever seen.
you know what i am always lonley i go to cafe where all ages sites but i cannot have any friends even were i am sitting this is bad i show my friends that i am something but iam nothing i show that i am strong to much i show my friends that i can do every thing bit thats wrong every time i go to the cafe every body say hey where hav you been you are very kind you are and you are then say many good things but when they go out no body tell me shit even my sister even my cousin did the same thing left me like a dog because when he see pussy he runs after is when he go to some place where is thier girls he tell me you cannot go or when hee see a girl he get shy because i am standing beside him did you see even in your family theirs peace of shits thats bad every body looks at him self i the miror he says i am bautiful no my cousin isn’t my brother isn’t every one of your friends is being friend to you because of your money in your pocket or to let you do something bad and sticket in your back or if he have fight with some one he call some one he is coming to hit me ooh momy from know i say this i donot what friends i am my friend i am my muscle i am my Conscience and my Conscience is my friend i can protect me self and my friend Conscience help me thanks for every one read it and reply on it please repy for every one i talk because i need to know if i am right or no and i need advice thank you all
Completely agree with you. The list from Irene made me laugh out loud, I mean, it was sooo long! I thought when I read it, by the time I get to the end of this list, I’m gonna want to do myself in!
No seriously, I agree with you ‘can relate’, very much. My husband and I are gorgeous, funny, clever, warm, affectionate, generous people. Literally. We’re not perfect human beings of course, but we love life, love to celebrate it, and we’re good easy company. That’s who we are. We know many people, have spent years being social, inviting people over, having dinners, parties, bbq’s etc, and I swear in about 5 years, we have been invited back twice. Yep, twice. Of course, if WE invite them back again, they come absolutely and enjoy the food, wine, good conversation etc…. But, nobody extends an invitation and reciprocates an ‘occasion’ of some sort – even a coffee for goodness sake.
We’ve decided to stop being so social, we’re busy anyway, but we do miss having good company and just having a sense of being ‘social’ with others, which was why we persisted for so long. I’d love to have a friend to ‘talk’ to occasionally, to ‘chat’, to meet up at the shops and do things with etc. I think people are sadly less social now. I think they would prefer to send a quick text message, rather than make a phone call to say ‘how are you?’. I think people can’t be bothered to make a fuss and put on a dinner for friends…. or at least that’s what we’ve discovered. One friend texted me the other day after years of not communicating with us and said it would be great to be in touch again, so she sent an email…. go figure. Not a call, an email.
So, I guess I’m saying it is a growing trend that people are not picking up the phone as much, and because of it, more and more people are feeling isolated. It’s a pity, because I liked making a fuss and putting on a nice dinner for friends! But you feel like a bit of a doormat after a while when it is not reciprocated. You start to feel as though people are only coming over to stickybeak.
Yes, we’re the same we’ve realised – we have ‘acquaintances’ and not friends. We don’t have family either, so we are pretty cut off. It’s just us and our gorgeous children.
And no, you don’t have to be perfect to have friends
Not sure about that list Irene!!
Nice to see a blog about this!
Oh wow I am going through the same thing you stated lets see before I went off to school I had a couple friends I was never popular never cared to be, anyway I was gone for 2 years and I would think everything will be the same before I left, boy was I wrong I came back and most of my so called friends are no where to be found now I feel like such a looser especially weekends when I know others my age are out having a good time I am not depressed just feel that life is funny sometimes I have sisters and brothers I dont talk to and we live togethr I guess its just we have nothing in common and I cant to talk to them about anything
Oh wow I am going through the same thing you stated lets see before I went off to school I had a couple friends I was never popular never cared to be, anyway I was gone for 2 years and I would think everything will be the same before I left, boy was I wrong I came back and most of my so called friends are no where to be found now I feel like such a looser especially weekends when I know others my age are out having a good time I am not depressed just feel that life is funny sometimes I have sisters and brothers I dont talk to and we live togethr I guess its just we have nothing in common and I cant to talk to them about anything
I’m glad I have found this blog. Recently, rather I should say a few months now, I have been feeling a bit more alone than usual. I guess I should give a bit of a back story. Growing up I had to deal with a disability (amputated lower arm… though I don’t consider it as a disability) and thus I shut myself off from others and didn’t many friends and few as much I would consider close. During high school I had lots of friends that I would go out with and such, but that quickly changed as soon as graduation came and went…. this was back in ’05. Now I, age 24, have a few close friends (two guys that I consider brothers, three female cousins, my sister and bro-in-law, my twin brother,and sometimes a couple other girls I’ve known since middle school) but recently I feel as though I should stay home. This is partly due to me feeling that I may not be as “cool” as the others as the others of our group, and I’ve been left out of several events like movies and watching UFC, volleyball, and going out to eat… with the recent being a cookout at one of the guy’s house on this night. This totally sucks, I always like going out with them and I always try to make them laugh and have a good time… so then why would they decide to do this to me? There’s a lake trip they are planning for my sister and cousin’s b-day for the weekend of June 25th-26th, a trip that I heard about from my mom, a trip they’ve been planning for a month now… a trip that I still haven’t heard about. They can always reach me online and by phone, which they do at times but most of the time its to see what my brother is doing (since he doesn’t have a phone at the moment), which makes me feel a bit used. I don’t need this especially with me about to leave for school in a few months… I would like to have family and friends that will keep in touch with me when I move hundreds of miles away and would love for them to come and visit me, but with all the constant times of being left out and all… i just don’t think that it’ll happen.
There’s something that bothers me at times… when making plans, my cousins always call my guy friends to see if they want to go hang out and the guy’s come and get my brother (and sometimes myself) without even calling my phone to let me know what is going on. I feel that there may be something going on with one of my guy friends, 24, and my cousin, almost 19, which makes me feel uncomfortable because he’s going through a divorce and she (my cousin) is even younger than his soon to be ex-wife who’s 21. I guess I got a bit off topic, but I really just needed to get that off my chest and out in the open…. even though I don’t know any of you personally.
I wish you all the best and thanks for listening to me whine.
I would like to say first that I’m sure all of you who have posted are wonderful and think of others first. I am in the same boat as each and every one of those who have replied here.
I can understand going back to High School. We lived on a farm and my parents never let me have friends over. I was rarely allowed to go other places or get into sports. I had friends in high school, but not many.
I was married right after high school and 1-1/2 years later had my daughter. I was divorced a few years later. My life revolved around my daughter, my work and my education through college for 5 years. I know at those times that I had to say no when asked to go out after work. Sorry, I had to pick up my daughter from the babysitter and it was midnight.
I get invited to some birthday parties, new years, an occasional girl night out. But then I see on facebook that many of my friends have gotten together to go see a local band, go out dancing, just hang out for fun several times a month. I feel left out. Has happened for many years. Even my family tends to forget, but I made sure that all of them knew that if you have something going on let me know. I’d love to be there too. I found out my sisters house burned to the ground through the local newspaper. It had been almost 3 days. Everyone thought that someone else called me. I told my sister that if I had been called I would have been here. I could understand her not calling, but what about everyone else. My brother from NJ and NC came up to help her out 2 days earlier as soon as they were notified.
Sometimes it was me, but I feel they should at least ask. It happens alot that I’m not invited to things or told. I’m intelligent, caring, social, but not overly social, etc. I don’t have psychological problems, not insecure. I’ve never had an extremely close friend. I’d love to talk to my friends about problems in my life. Sometimes I do and they care, but don’t go out of there way to ask how I’m doing. I just don’t understand why I’m alone I’m outgoing as well. I’m into a lot of things, but my friends and family know I’ll be there when needed. Part of the reason I got into things is due to feeling alone. Funny thing is, I’ve always felt alone growing up even with 15 brothers and sisters living in the same household. It seemed I was always ignored.
I’m not stuck on myself at all. I am attractive. It’s taken me many years to realize that. I get attention from guys, but rarely asked out. I’m told by friends, co-workes, family that someone really likes me, but rarely does any guy ever ask me out. I have to be the one to initiate it. ALWAYS! I don’t sleep around either.
My friends, family and co-workers tell me all the time how they wish they had my life. How they wish they had my looks, my charm, my intelligence, my adventure, even my wonderful daughter who has a ton of friends, but what they don’t realize is that it gets very lonely. My friends have my phone number and email. So I just don’t get why I don’t have close friends. Friends yes, but none so close that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets or at least share my thoughts and feelings.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me because I might be lonely. I had my astrology done a few months ago as many of my friends are into mind, body and spirit connection. Wow! did this guy nail it! He made sure that I was invited to everything that weekend. Had a blast and loved it! Since February, I’ve only been invited to 2 other gatherings. I just don’t get it and can’t give advice to others either and I won’t judge people. So sorry if this doesn’t help anyone other then to let you know that you are not alone.
I’m 21 won pageants I’m very nice and sweet & people say I’m good looking, but somehow I have no friends:( My best friends were my Duck and my bunny and they both just passed away:”’( I’m lonely. & It’s the worst when it’s Friday, Saturday & Sunday because that’s when most people my age go out. I end up staying in lingering around the house. Usually I’d be playing with my animals but they’ve passed on. My brothers have moved out and live great lives. My mother and father always go on dates & now that we’re all older my parents want time for themselves now, so it’s just me :”’( I’m always the one who gets everyone together and the worst part is when the night ends & I tell everyone to let me know if they got home safe. I’ll stay up til 5am and not receive one text or calling asking if I ever made it home safe. Sometimes I just feel no one cares. I’m not depressed, I just don’t understand.
I get so bored being alone sometimes I just cruise the town, or I’ll spend 6 boring hours at Barnes and Noble, or just sit at the duck pond. Everyone always asks me how I have so many friends, but to be honest I just don’t feel anyone is really a friend only acquaintances but either way you can have countless numbers of friends and still feel lonely. I’ve been having this problem since kinder & I had hoped by this time I’d be normal to everyone. I feel everyone’s pain. It’s not because you are 48, 30, 70 years old it’s not about your age. I know it has to be something else. We are all great people we all have a reason as to why we are on this earth, but why is it taking us all so long to figure out what our reason is?
Yeah, friends are friends because they can look past your shortfalls. So as another poster said, you shouldn’t have to be perfect to have friends. But it does make you paranoid at times. You start to think, “What is wrong with me? Do I talk too much or too little? Am I boring? Am I ugly or strange or intimidating?” You can go over everything in your head a million times and try to be the perfect friend but ultimately I think you just have to accept yourself.
As for me, I grew up with a very close friend who was like a brother to me. But when we were about 17 he started hanging with another crowd and got into drugs and alcohol big time and totally blew me off. So I haven’t seen him or heard from him for over 6 years.
I had many other good friends growing up too. But by about 10th grade in high school, they had all seemed to disappear. Now I have one that I see maybe twice a year and he’s moving soon. So for the most part, I have been completely alone for the past 6 years (I am now 24).
I’m sure it’s just as hard when you’re 40. My mom complains about not having friends too sometimes but at least she’s always had my dad around. My family is introverted so they don’t talk to me unless they need me for something. And when I talk to them, it’s like talking to a wall – no response – and I have to follow them around the house just to carry on a conversation.
The strange thing is, I am actually a friendly person. People like me at work but when it comes to hanging out, that’s another story. Given, I don’t drink and act a fool like a lot of people do when they get together. But I can actually carry on a good, intelligent conversation. And I can make people laugh.
But honestly, I just don’t think I’ve found the right people to be with. I need to keep trying churches or maybe get involved in sports again. But sometimes it seems like nobody really wants to make a close new friend.
In the meantime, I will continue to improve all aspects of myself and try to meet new people in hopes that one day I’ll have good friends again like I did when I was younger.
I am sorry but relieved to know i am not the only 40 something with no friends. I can’t make friends at work even though were friendly enough at the office. Age or life differences I suppose. The ones that have offered to hang out after work have always been cut throat and the office gossips (thanks but no thanks in this case i would much rather be alone) I am a middle child never made many friends as my siblings always got the attention. I was picked on by my siblings in front of these people who would then laugh at me and treat me like crap as if it was ok since my siblings provoked it, funny thing is i was always physically strong I just chose not to fight so I guess they assumed I was a weakling. I had a bad marriage so it takes a lot for me to trust one person said it takes months for me to open up. When I befriend someone I give 100% and allow myself to trust only to be burned. I tend to attract those that think they are better than me and can use me when there is no one else better to talk to. I have had so called friends that have just stopped talking to me for no reason, if one was a friend would they not tell you why they no longer want to be a friend or is this the way friendships are as this is the only type of friendship i have ever known? Even those from high school talk to siblings and ignore me the very ones i thought were friends in school? It makes no sense and maybe i am a pariah . I am facing the fact that I might well be alone forever. I don’t want to date anyone haven’t in years but that does not mean I don’t want friends in my life. I wish I could see me the way others do so I knew what it is I need to change about me. I tried therapy throughout my youth it never worked . I don’t have a third eye a second head or anything I am just average so why is making friends so hard?
i’m glad i found this forum. this has been an ongoing problem for me as well. i feel like i always have to be the one to arrange things for anything to happen but it’s never reciprocated. one thing i’d like to say about Irene’s first response is that basically you’re saying that you can’t be imperfect if you want to have friends. no one is totally perfect and aren’t you supposed to be yourself? i get that there are definite patterns in people who have this problem, but i see people that are awful human beings that have tons of friends. i know alot of my personal problem stems from the fact that i wasn’t allowed to form good friendships due to my mother’s religious beliefs. i was only allowed to socialize with people in my church. i’m a very friendly person and outgoing, but can’t seem to make close friends with people anymore. i just have acquaintances.
Yes, that sounds good
I thought I was alone, till I read all this messages. I’m also an only child… I always had this lonely feeling but when younger I seem to make friends easily and some of them I kept to this date but they all live in different countries. 9 years ago I moved countries too, to be with my husband and from then on everything started to crumble, slowly.. I was only young (23yo) when I moved and I still remember how alive I used to feel. Then , the years passed by, I didn’t speak any english and I realised that I had no tools to make new friends, and my life now consists of my husband, my dog and myself. Now I’m 31 yo, and I feel empty. Nobody calls, I have nobody to visit or that wants to visit me. And I’m not strange looking, I’m actually quite good looking as some ppl say but it serves as disability…. the other women don’t like me and the men befriend me until they know I’m married. And it has been like that since I can remember. This situation made me feel anxious around ppl to the point where I was medicated for social anxiety. No need to say that it didn’t help. Now I feel that I got left with this “vibe”, a bubble around me that repels ppl. As soon as I open my mouth I can see ppl wanting to run away… It’s odd and very real. I have a couple of aquaintances that I see a few times per year and it’s always awkard because I just forgot how to converse….WTF do ppl talk about these days? So, with this lack of knowledge I feel like I’m getting weirder by the minute….I go to university, it’s been 4 years now, and I haven’t made one single friend. It’s hard seeing ppl getting together and you are just not part of it. I’m sooo sick of it but kinda can’t change it. and yes, I go to yoga and go after activities and interests that may bring someone with something in common in my life, but hey…..It has not been working at all. I think that becaming an adult is hard, we get lost in the process of achievement and one day wake up to realize that we are alone. Sometimes I think that even the ppl that has loads of friends are alone…ppl dn’t talk about things that are real anymore, it’s just chit chat, TV, BS, etc… I think that the loners may be just a little more sensitive, needing more substance that most ppl are willing to give… That said, I still remember how good it feels to have ppl that loves you and wants you around and you see them constantly….I really miss these days… Can life in adulthood be ever that spontaneous again?
Hey. Want to be my friend?
You can "practice" friendship skills on the Forums on this site. Go to: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/forums under the Making Friends thread.
Best,
Irene
Hi,
My story is very similar also. Was busy with raising children, being a wife, grandmother, and moved to Florida; and, now just can’t seem to make friends. Don’t even know what to talk about anymore.
Donna
I read your information and it all sounds so similar to me. I would like to suggest that we could become friends but i am not sure if I have got the required skills.
Best wishes, Susan
I am so pleased that I have found this website. I am middle aged and have never really had a one to one friend, even at school. I am married with two grown up daughters and one of them seems to be a bit like me with regard to making many friends. My husband is not very talkative so no one seems to every really want to be in our company. Life seems so flat and so lonely and whereas most people seem to look forward to the weekend so as to meet friends or go out for social events, me and my husband are just left on our own. Like the above messages, I think I am a kind person, caring, love to listen to people plus also I can be fun to be with, if of course given the chance. I have wondered for most of my life what exactly is it that I do wrong so that no one bothers with me, the people at work seem to quite dislike me. I hope, like you all, that may be someone can give some advice. with best wishes to you all.
I’m glad I’m not the only one out there with no friends. This really hurts. I guess I don’t have any friends at my age (49) because I feel people my age have all the friends they need and don’t need to add another friend. I would feel out of place anyway when they would talk about this or that from the past. That would be uncomfortable. I guess my life being friendless is what I will have to settle for. I would think my nice, caring, funny, loyal personality would give me at least one friend. I guess its true when the say "Being a nice person doesn’t get you anywhere" I hope people who truly have genuine friendship don’t take them for granted.
Thank you so much for this blog. Im single and often get left out of so many things and primarily because most of my friends are married and ironically most of them are older.
i totally understand. recently i met a couple good friends who do keep in touch with me. part of what i find is opening up more helps… and then finding things i like to stay busy, finding new hobbies. the more people you meet, the more of a chance to find better connections. i created a blog as well to inspire friends at http://www.yourdigitalbff.com.
Maybe it’s a symptom of being an only child. I am one, as well, and have also struggled with the same issues you are dealing with. I don’t think there is just one explanation and to say that there is one explanation is making the situation overly simple. I wonder if you are like me. For a long time, I have had serious trust issues with women in particular and only through years of therapy am I just now moving past these issues. In therapy, it became clear to me that I was seeking out friends who would never ask anything of me because at the end of the day, I didn’t want to be in the vulnerable position of getting close enough to someone and be forced to be in a mutual, two-sided relationship where there is give and take from both sides. I totally did not want the responsibility of having a friend that would ask to get together or want to share feelings, hardships, joys, etc. Subconciously, I think I projected the image of not wanting to connect on another level with many women (i.e., beyond the superficial – let’s get together for a couple hours and have small talk and chit-chat). In the last 2 years, I have developed some very nice female friendships and a lot of it has been due to my “sharing” more of myself – the real me – hopes, fears, dreams, etc. (and also, listening and supporting others, but also revealing more of myself to them – even if it means that I might be vulnerable, disappointed, let down, etc.). It’s made a difference. It’s very hard to do. But, it might be worth the effort for you. I really feel for you and I think it can get better so please do not give up!
It comforts me to hear that I’m not alone in this problem, and that I don’t know what’s wrong, either. I’m 65 years old, married, very caring, friendly, intelligent, have a good-enough sense of humor, etc. Throughout all of my life, I’ve had very few friends. I did have one very good friend once a few years ago, but she dropped me without a word. The hurt still hasn’t gone away after years, though I was incredibly relieved to find this forum and find that it had happened to so many others.
I enjoy getting together with others — bowling, knitting groups, etc. And others in these groups seem to enjoy my presence. I will offer to patterns or books or whatever that someone mentions as sounding interesting — and give out my e-mail address or phone number — and never hear from anyone. My next door neighbor seems to enjoy our chatting in the yard, and she always expresses appreciation for little favors I do or things I lend when asked. Yet she never inivites me over or to go somewhere for a cup of cofee or any kind of socializing at all.
I have no idea what I’m doing wrong or what’s wrong with me. I try very hard to convince myself that it’s not me, yet this happens repeatedly in various situations, so I’m not usually too successful with that tactic. What can I do differently? What is it that people want from me — that they get from other people with whom they become friends — that I’m just not seeing and doing? I know that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results, so I guess I’m crazy as well.
This is my life. I enjoy the friendliness and socializing that I’m invovled in, but I long for some genuine friends.
Hi, do try Twitter and Facebook. At least you will feel connected online. Play the games on Facebook and you will have many friends.
I’m in my mid-40′s and I have the same problem. Even as far back as HS, I always had to make plans for get togethers and no one ever bothered to invite me to many places. I have a few friends, but we don’t socialize much anymore. Last year my true friend met a new co-worker. As you may have guessed, they started getting to be better friends, and now I am left out. It hurts.
Another possibility: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and these other women are just clueless and self-absorbed.
I feel the same way with Amanda, my case is I am not comfortable with other people, maybe because I am not confident that I am competitive enough with them, but I guess its just the way things should be, I start enjoying my time online blogging, and started making friends, which though they are far away we always have time to talk to each other daily through our blogs.
Hi, I read your post this morning, and I just wanted to comment to say I’ve been in your shoes, probably still are in your shoes. I too am an only child, and for a long time have been struggling to figure out why it’s so hard for me to make and maintain friendships when this comes as something very natural for others. I’ve asked people, but they’ve all told me there is nothing obviously wrong with me. Maybe something subtle, like a general sense of awkwardness or not being able to read subtle social cues, but those are only guesses. I will be 30 next year, and still hope that I can figure this out what’s going on as soon as possible. If you would like someone to talk to, I would love to be your penpal.
I have found myself in the same situation at 47, and have got to the point i am resigned be single, no friends and no children. I had a good social life until mid 30′s when i went through some rather heavy duty trauma which i won’t go into here… basically wrong time, wrong place, and ended up medicated for 10 years. Felt like i had been asleep for years when finally came off the medication, lost 10 years and the most bizarre experience in my lifetime.
and have become a master of being comfortable in my own company. Although i do miss the companionship of a partner, and being invited to social gatherings.
.
Now i am well again but seem to have totally lost the ability to connect with people. I try but as others have said people don’t seem to contact me, ask me to gatherings or reciprocate the efforts i make. It feels almost like the whole world has changed into something i cannot interpret/communicate with.
I have thought long and hard about what i may be doing wrong, that people have commitments and so many other angles that i am at a loss. It did bother me greatly for the first few years but now I just accept it and continue to try to connect with others on whatever level i can….. things can’t get any worse
To everyone who has written, keep trying, keep that belief in yourself, and don’t become disheartened. At least thats what i tell myself