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Ask the Friendship Doctor

Why would someone have no friends?

There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.

QUESTION

Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?

Signed,
Amanda

ANSWER

Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity - Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style - Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Irene


Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS

Comments (2,536)

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  1. Pecy says:

    Hi all,
    As I read thru these posts I noticed that I’m not alone in my quest for true friendship. My story is very similar to Amanda’s and some others on here. I think we are all good people that are somehow missunderstood because of our candor, we give too much and expect the same (maybe), or whatever the reason the common denominator is that we have no “friends”-At least not in the context of what we think a friend should be.
    I am a 36 years old single mom that has been all over the world and to many of the 50 states, I’ve come in contact with tens of thousands of people and have yet to figure out how to keep them as friends. I’m posting my number here despite knowing better, this way I can know for sure I’ve tried everything to the point of ridicule to better my (friendless) situation. I’m not crazy, I don’t do drugs nor do I want to associate with folks who do; I’m not being judgemental it’s just my preference. Here is my contact 2 five six five 2 cinco 6 cinco three 1, call if you’d like to make a new friend; I can listen to you or give you my input if you want. Why did I take the risk of posting my # ? Because I am sick if being and feeling extremely lonely so I’m reaching out. If you turn out to be crazy and just call me to bother or cause me grief I can block you from the switch and you won’t bother me again, but if you are a genuine person (not crazy or near crazy) that will like to give a shot a creating a new friendship for good, you are welcome to call. I’m on eastern standard time zone so please be considerate and mindful of the time before you call. I think I may have posted this twice.

  2. Linda says:

    The reason I have no friends in life started in childhood. They say are past experiences shape how we were today and how we react and adapt around others. I am not actually shy,but When I was in the 1st grade, I tried to connect with kids and they would avoid me. Because of this I developed a sense of being shy, and I would focus on only myself. It continued on in my life where I made no real connections with people. I did hang around some people during high school, but I don’t feel they were my real friends. I also became acquainted with girls that went to other high schools, but by 1993 they had moved to other cities because their dads got promotions that required them to move out of state. In 1994, I stopped hanging out with the girls from school because I was going through some changes on a spiritual level, and I got the feeling I needed to distance myself from them. Removing myself from them allowed me to grow as a person. After high school, I did not attempt to make any friends. I usually just keep to myself. I am 38 yrs old,and have no connection to people. I am not afraid to be around people, I just don’t attempt to connect with people because of my childhood experiences.

    • bella says:

      Even i felt lonely since childhood,even though i am a very outspoken and i like to talk to new people. I had few friends in school who dumped me ,in high school i made a group of friends who started like avoiding me,i stopped hanging out with those people again.
      I am only 20,and im in UNiversity,and having spent an year at college,i havent really found anybody to hang out with,even though i talk to many guys ,but i somewhere feel i just cant trust anybody. I tried to connect people on facebook,i mostly talk to guys,i never found a girl who was interested to talk to me. I found my chemistry with guys were way better than girls. I tried to talk to many people,but i still felt isolated and alone. I didnt have people to talk to when i felt lonely. I always initiated first from texting to calling. I am not an introvert,but still i cant really find a true friend my entire life!! Sometimes when i see posts on Facebook with their friends,i feel really inferior and hopeless. I just cant figure out whats the problem in me. I am not that bad look wise either,still i never found any real friends!! :( :'(

      • JOHNRCOOK says:

        it’s difficult to find people you can truly trust in this life I would like you to be my friend on Facebook got away we can make our friendship grow my face book name is John R Cook you can see a picture of a ship

    • Darlene says:

      Hi Linda and Bella,
      It’s so hard to learn to trust people, to leave yourself vulnerable to further pain. I’ve been there too and can understand that very well. Can I suggest taking it in baby steps. Initiate contact with someone you think is a trustworthy sort of person, then open up a bit to them, allow then to see who you really are. Don’t have the objective of making them a best friend, just look at it as a chance to learn and maybe you’ll make a friend in the process.
      When a person has a hard time trusting, it is easy to give other people the message to “leave me alone” without even realizing it. Think objectively about what messages you may be giving others, either through body language or how you speak or write.
      The key is to chose wisely and go slow, you don’t have to open your heart wide open for the whole world in order to connect with people in a meaningful way. You both sound like very likeable people :)
      Darlene

  3. Ray says:

    Does any girl on here want to have a best friend? I don’t know if it sounds creepy but I am extremely lonely and alone :( This is my second post and nobody wants to reply. Well I just want to have a best friend.

  4. Lily says:

    After reading all of the blogs here, I do realize that our true friends are our families. My sister was telling me yesterday that she tells her chidlren not to trust anyone with their inner most thoughts and feelings. Remember that your true friends are your mother, father,siblings and closest kin. We don’t need anyone else, but family. Now I’m really beginning to believe this. I might start instilling this into my children’s lives.

    • Cosma says:

      You should keep in mind that not all of us got families and in my case family is resposible for my PTSD. My family is my worst enemy.

      • Jen says:

        Me too Cosma, not all families are kind and loving, and it can be especially hurtful when those closest to us turn their backs on us or take sides when a feud happens between two people. Also many of us unlucky ones have been abused by our families, resulting in PTSD. I’m hoping we can leave that in the past and move onto better things. Then again when you distrust everyone it makes it difficult to do that. At least we have knowledge and strength on our sides.

    • Jaye says:

      What if all your family abandoned you? My family don’t even say hi in public any more. And I would like to know what I did to deserve such hate.

      • Lily says:

        I agree, I thought about it after I wrote. Not all of us are on the best of terms with our families. I’ve been through my share of arguments with them. We’ve got ourselves into some real fights.I have to say if it were not for my father, to be a kind, loving man our relationships would have come to a bitter end.

  5. Jadey_blue says:

    Im not on Facebook either, YAY, nice to meet a fellow no booker!! ;-)
    I feel that i got my life BACK after p*ssin’ Facebook off! :-D

    Someone would have NO friends, NO job, NO life as said person is completely controlled by their parents! I am 28 years of age, soon to be 29… still look about 16 :-O and STILL my parents treat me like an 8 year old!!!! Dammit I’ve heard of tough love but for crying out loud, i AM an adult I CAN look after myself, LEAVE ME TO GROW and be a person. My parents told me that i SHOULD respect my family and sod everyone else, but i CANT do that! I am a sincere 28 year old, and yes in my past people used me over and over again to get things from me!! I made them happy, so what? It was MY money to use, but i know which people are good and who are very very bad! Sadly, all you can do is live and learn! :-(
    But i still have my self esteem! :-) (i know it means very little to everyone else, but it means a hell of a lot to me! :-D

    • Michael says:

      I personally still use Facebook but, I completely understand what you mean. Facebook is full of fakes and is really not worth it. Maybe you should think about moving out of your parents. Being independent is really great! And proved to everyone that you have the maturity and strength a 28 year old has! :-) maybe you do live alone (I shouldn’t make assumptions). And yes, there are so many sh*ts out there, it hard to tell who is real and who is fake (mostly fake people where I’m from though). Never let people use you though. People like that are the worse!

  6. Michael says:

    Hi to you all. I know deep down how most of you feel. I wish to god I hadn’t made some of the choices I have made. But, I have, and now I feel I must live with the consequences. When I was younger, I had a bad group of friends and a good group of friends. My good friends would always make an effort with me, and I respected them fully. Unfortunately, for some reason beyond me, I sought solace in the bad croud. By the age of 13, I was in a lifestyle of drugs and alcohol which would become the end of my true hapdpiness in life. Before all that, I was a usual happy child. Enjoyed time with my family. Loved special occasions, holidays, etc. But after my “downfall” all my real friends started to dislike me and eventually we would never speak again. So that was it, I carried on with my bad friends and ended up becoming one of them. I mean, I have always kept my own personality and never became an a**hole, but in my family and certain friends eyes, i was a rotton apple. So my life became worse and worse, got into so much trouble and gained big financial problems, my problems with drink and drugs got terrible. I was losing my sight on life. Depression took over my life and controlled my every move, when i’d eat, sleep, drink, and it would cause more and more problems for me. When I got to the age of 18 I had so many friends it was hard to keep tabs but, I was always thinking that they had expectancy’s of me, such as me being drunk and drugged up. So I would be that person for them, because thats all I thought they knew me as. Then, things started to change. I got into a relationship, and the three years that went on for. I lost almost everyone. She controlled me and eventually helped destroy me. When she left me, I had to rebuild everything, and i kind of did, I quit all the drug abuse, and got some friends back, but I could never stop the drinking. And I carried on with my life. At this point i was so far in debt and always spent my free time drunk, I was like 21 at this point. Didn’t help my dad ran off, and couldn’t even say if he is still alive now, as I have no contact with him and haven’t since he left. But, I did get away from the drinking eventually after so many mistakes I’ve made drunk, I’ve lost basically everyone. I have a son now in my latest relationship which has gone on for a year. I am very unhappy but, I can’t let my son down, and he is all i truly have now. My so called friends are all fake, they only want to know if I’m planning on getting drunk. My family don’t want to know me, because all they care about is money and putting people down. I know my girlfriend don’t truly care, and the only friends I really do have don’t live in my city no more, so, I really want to find some all important inspirational people in my life, after going through sh*t and coming out clean on the other side (well sort of). I’m 23 and live in the UK. Thank you for everyone who read this, and I hope you all try to understand, I’m not a bad person, i just made some bad choices and I hope to god I can find true people in my life. Thankyou

    • Lily says:

      Michael, you’re story was so moving, it brought me to tears. You sound like a very good person with a good soul. You’re still so young, 23! You can still make changes in your life that will impact your future with your little boy. I hope you’re working hard, earning your money to at least put a roof over your heads and eat. If you can get yourself away from the not so good friends, you’ll do yourself a lot of good. Always keep in mind that the right choices you are making is for you, and especially your child. Since you have held on to some of your childhood friends proves that you have a good personality,Just continue to keep in touch with them. You think your family doesn’t want to know you? Maybe they’re just afraid that you’ll rebound. It’s hard for them as well, and there’s tension between all of you. Take everything slowly, and work towards your son. He’s your family now. I don’t know what to say about your girlfriend. I hope you guys can work it out somehow. Maybe she, like you, want a better life and need to figure out how. You can do well. You’re right, there are nice people we’ve got to chose them wisely.

      • Michael says:

        Thank you so much for the reply! You are completely right, I am working towards a future for my son. He is all I feel I have who is important in my life at the moment including my mum and god. I just wish I could make a new life somewhere else sometimes. Hopefully, I can meet some new people and be happy :-) but yeah, choosing them wisely is the most important thing!

    • Jan says:

      Hi Michael,
      The fact that you have responded the way you have is because you want something better for yourself and your son.
      Yes, you have made mistakes in your life. But who hasn’t? It is what you do now that matters. Making mistakes is not bad because you can
      always learn from them and today is the first day of the rest of your life. Just think of the precious moments you are going to experience watching your little one grow up. You’re so blessed to have him. He is your little buddy and he will look up to you and you will be his greatest hero because you’re Dad. Every minute in your life will count for something special and and you won’t look back, you will look forward and come out of that depression you are in. And you will find those strong, inspirational friends who will be proud to call you a true friend.

      • Michael says:

        Thank you! I hope my son does look up to me! No matter what happens he will always have me. I hope I do find some friends though. Need some real people around me! Thank you all for the kind words! :-)

  7. Reza says:

    I am in my 50’s. I feel very solitary in my life, although I have my wife and my children. you know, I need someone to help with with doing my favorite job. I have never had a right friend during my life and nobody could stay with me for a long time. I sometimes feel sorry for myself because of lacking enough attraction. I am not sure if my family live with to the end. I think they need me to pay for them and they will leave me as soon as the can

    • Michael says:

      So sorry to hear this.. I have the same problem. I’m only 23 but I know the little family I have will leave me one day. Just want to be happy. But I try. I hope your family don’t leave you. It’s not something we really want to think about…So sorry to hear this.. I have the same problem. I’m only 23 but I know the little family I have will leave me one day. Just want to be happy. But I try. I hope your family don’t leave you. It’s not something we really want to think about…

  8. Tilly says:

    I had some friends until I left secondary school or high school, then we all went our separate ways. All through university (4 years) I had one friend. Just one. I’m shy so I just latched on and everyone thought he was my boyfriend, I just didnt know how to make any friends.

    • Ray says:

      Hi tilly my dad’s job made us move to different cities. Who finds a good friend when you change more than 8 schools? Ok! I know I can keep in touch and I did but when you leave a school your friends won’t be interested in you. You meet new friends and again you leave the school.

      I do believe online friendship works! It does!

  9. Ray says:

    I’m from India and am 21. Can’t belive there are people out there like me :(
    I’m lonely and alone. No bffs no siblings..nothing. Getting betrayed since childhood. My mom says you can’t find a true friend in this world anymore lol it only happens in novels..movies or daily soaps. A friendship like Jonathan and David is a blessing from God. She’s right though.

    Still i hope i would find my best friend. IS ANYONE WILLING TO HAVE A FRIEND? Please reply if anyone wants to be my friend.

    Thanks for reading.

  10. Simon says:

    So upsetting to hear of others experiences with lack of or no friends. Im 32 and even to this day still have no real friends who i could truly rely on. I always think good honest people are the ones who get a hard time in life. I was severely bullied in secondary school and if i am honest i don’t think i ever have or will trust people because of what happend. I have never had a long term relationship and would really like one and it worries me that ill die alone. I am already bitter and resentful of how life has turned out but i am trying hard to think more positive. I genuinely do like myself as a person and think i am very kind and genuine. I do go to the gym, and walk alot with my dog. I honestly like animals and nature much better than people. As much as i would like to have more friends i can’t help but to think is it worth the upset it causes me when most people are full of rubbish anyway and self centered. How do you learn to accept that sometimes your better off without friend?

    • Anon says:

      This made me sad because you sound so genuine and intelligent. I wish there was a way that I could help. A few things that helped me get friends and a husband after I finally got over something that traumatized me for 2 years was trying to be outgoing, keeping opinions to myself, and smiling. I think all that just makes people more approachable in general. It really is the little things that make the biggest difference.

  11. Tobias Schoeyen says:

    I am 16 and go on high school. I have moved to different cities and I am from Norway. The fucking country I am abonded on. The reason for my behavior on this comment are different valid reasons. I have never realised not having “friends”. Although I talk to people and are among them, I saw a comment here which is just the situation like me. Fo rmany years I havn’t been paying any attention what other people did, or what they were doing. I’m on Facebook, oh they are having a party/trip etc. good for them. *keeps scrolling wasting time on the internet* Not until now, when I started on high school, when I finally thought I could leave the idiots who didn’t care nothing else than being cool, drinking and not giving a total damn about school. I do of course. However, I thought high school would be a place of people where I could ifnally meet people, hang with them, stay after school talking or just go to the café for pure fun! On the other hand, I had problems chosing between sciense or sport with studies. I took the sportline as we can call it from now because I knew I was not too good at math. I thought I would get enough challenges and I did. Long story short, I thought I madea mistake, then I thought I didn’t. In the end I was okay with my choice. Then I realised how people were in that class. Sportpeople. What could I expect? I was not quite suprised. However, they were not as interested in school. After I got myself used to it, the day I write this I had a mental breakdown and more might come. Why? WHy would suddenly I with almost top grades, a free school to learn and family who almost isn’t ripped to shreds? I’m lonly. I’m basicly lonly and seen as anti-social. Well the reason for that isn’t just me, I’m kind, careing for those among me and might be creative. However, in the end I realised I have no real friends. Even though I read that I might be unrealistic about friendships, but I never got asked. Seriously, not even once. Through my life until now, I have not been asked one single fucking time to hang out. Not even my closest. All the people I know now is just people I talk to and nothing more. They are too “busy”. I wanted to prove that I am not the problem, but I might be shy, I don’t know myself anymore. I asked some people I somehow knew and asked:”Hey, would you think it is strange if someone on the streets at your age said hello?” They said it would be really strange in a tone like I’m some kind of moron who does not know how life works. Norway people, the country everyone says is so perfect and rich. On the other hand, many young people get extreamly lonly and upset when they know most of Norwegian people are so anti-social other countries really make jokes of it.

    I’m sorry for writing so much aggresive words and not being reasonable here, but I can’t help it. I had up to 4 mental breakdowns today in just one hour where I cried like a whiny kid. I think of it as a shame for being a damn man…

    • Draculaila says:

      So sorry to hear this :'( But belive me Norwegians are not anti social compared to many other places in the world. Belive me I know. I’m Norwegian too and I learned it the hard way how Americans hate to socialze when I moved to the US. So it’s not always better somewhere else.
      Know the feeling of never getting invited anywhere, not even by own “family”. He he, I wasn’t eevn welcomed for Christmas. You are still young and lots can change for you :) Just know you are not alone :)

    • Lily says:

      Tobias, my heart really goes out to you. First of all you’ve got to try to keep it together, and don’t lose you’re cool. You’re at the most critical part of your life. High School is about fighting your most inner most fears, confronting your insecurities etc. If you like sports, and the club’s you got yourself into, then continue. You have to think like this, making friends is like starting a business, where it might take two years to actually pick up and do well. High School in America is definitely not easy. There are a plethora of cultures, and races. I couldn’t fit in with a lot of kids back in my high school days. I didn’t understand the idea of drinking at the parks. What was the point of it? Why couldn’t they just talk and hang out without getting drunk or smoking something? Now I realize, it could have been a lack of social skills. My parents would sit us at the table day in and day out chatting us up. Whether it was about politics, religion, stuff happening at school,or just our daily lives. You think many people have that today? With Facebook, we chat, game boy or whatever the in thing is. Parents working full time are so exhausted when they come home. It takes a lot of energy to continue the routine of parenthood at home. But, you need to keep it together as best you can. You’re too young to go through nervous breakdowns. I’m sure the move to a new country has taken a toll on you. It did to me. I’m on freagen the other side of the world. I went through my stuff. I thought I had the stomach to move around and see the world. In any event, I don’t know where you are, but I’m almost certain there are some theatres that you can visit, museums to go to. You’ve got to push yourself and make yourself happy. Definitely keep your grades up in school. Start looking for some universities of interest. Think about going back to Norway for the holiday if you can, or an interesting place in the US. We’ve got some gorgeous land out there to see too. Let us know what’s happening. Stay well and above all healthy.

    • C.j says:

      Sorry to hear about everything, Tobias. Please, don’t feel bad. You are worth it as a person (and that goes for everyone else here too!!), don’t for a second think that you aren’t worth it as a person, even if things feel tough right now they will get better. Don’t give up!!! Please, just know that you are young. And things will look up for each of you, I promise. Things don’t stay the same forever. And we’ve all been through hard times here. It’s just daunting being alone, I guess and feelings of having no support. I learned that being isolated makes it harder to connect with people. Obviously, we can’t connect with everyone we meet. But there is someone out there who will be glad to have you as a friend. Please guys, try to keep healthy, try to enjoy the little things in life, and get some exercise because it fights depression and low self esteem, and try not to let not having friends make you feel unlikeable and alone. Because that is not true! No one is unlikeable.

    • Michael says:

      We have all been there (well most of us on this page). Breakdowns can be so tough and, they will continue to occur all the time. No lie necessary. But I hope you find some important people in your life, because its the only way the pain of sadness and loneliness will stop! And trust me, it doesnt matter where you are from. This Shit happens everywhere.

  12. annoymous says:

    hey everyone ,
    i am just going through the same phase of my life. And i feel that finding friends who you can really rely upon is a very difficult task as you grow up.I am presently in college and i have had really bad experience in matters of my friendship.I had a very close friend (girl) but then due to some reasons we two had differences in opinions and now we have stopped talking . In the process i made some really good guy friends. But what i really yearn for is a girl with whom i can even enjoy having girly talks and all the girl stuff.I don’t get it why girls develop so much attitude once they are round boys or start dating. Its cool to have boyfriends but then you cant just forget your old friends.
    If someone can help me with some advice do reply .

  13. Alex says:

    Everyone who talks to me just wants to get something from me! When I look good they talk to me because they think they can get something from me! When I don’t look good, no one talks to me! There is no good people on this world~!

    • Lily says:

      Alex, that is in our everyday lives. You will always meet people who want something out of you, and you will also meet honest peopel too. You too have to pick and chose who is best for you. You say when you look good people look at you, then my thing is, continue to look good and handsome/pretty. Don’t we all judge a person by their looks at first? Of course that won’t last too long.Then it’s a character based thing too. So if you have the smarts, the humor(but not an obnoxious one), which in my book is the best part of someone, then you’ll definitely make friends.People will be attracted to you. Go to the gym, stay healthy, and do things that make YOU happy. You’ll be fine. Enjoy yourself.

      • Michael says:

        It seems to be so believable that there are no good people in this world, it seems to be all we know. But all we can do is hold our heads up and say we all must be so unique. We are good people. All of us (hopefully). The way I look at it is this, if there were so few of us lonely people, there would be no way of people like us finding anyone. But because there are so many of us out there trying to find true people, it brings us all together. And becoming one with our own type of people is amazing and somewhat beautiful. :-)))

  14. janny taylor says:

    i am on facebook but there all guys make fake id . Now body is right to there. i am also still looking for best friends .

  15. ash says:

    i only have on friend. and my grandmother. i used to be on facebook but it was fake friends people who went to school with me who were never nice to me and my mothers friends. i never had many friends. i had two other friends from facebook from a old course i did but i still did not consider them friends, i always thought people pity-ed me. i tried to be friends to a guy from runescape last year. and he was not a real friend in the end, i have stopped trying to talk to people. lately my cousins been more talking to me on the phone. she recently got arthritis and is being kind but i know she just pity’s me. i recently lost alot of weight but put on about 20kgs due to being on steroids. my best friend / companion of 10 years. we fight so much over stupid little things. its been such a struggle lately. been depressed over alot of things. and wondering so much about why we go through life and if we have done this before and such, i have sever arthritis i have has since i was 12. and this year has been the worst year of my life. i have been getting poeple to talk to me from health centers, theres not much they can fix. i have a huge stomach hernia which is broken and scares me/frustrates me. i have a doctor that thinks she knows what shes doing but she doesnt shes my arthritis doctor. she cancelled my hip operation on me due to arthritis management in pain….. my life lately has been so down, i hate the place i live in. i live in a small room and mostly bed ridden again…………back in jan i lost my ability to walk and use my hands, i got my ability back but only thanks to steriods and that put me on more weight.. i am on about 12 meds and its very frustrating. people think friendship is easy but when i was on facebook no one would ring me or contact me. i mean its like you contact them and then they dont even reply… whats the point on adding someone you once new on facebook and never messaging them. i quit facebook about 7 months ago. i avoid my family. i grew up with 5 sisters 2 brothers. i find it hard because my father passed away 4 years ago. and my mother has never understood my arthritis. thats why i get on with my grandmother because she has that. i have 10 different illnesses. i never thought life would be so hard but its tough. they say friendship is easy not these days. when i was younger kids can make friends easy cos they have school. but when you are bed ridden and sick its hard to make friends. esp online. i get scared because i dont want people to pity me. so i just delete them. i am so lonely more than anyone knows. my partner he is my caregiver. its been so tough on him he works 12 hours a day and i know hes exhausted but he is still so kind to me even though i have been so up and down lately. i see people help others online like its a good cause but yeah i wonder what happens after they get a new house do they still have the same problems. even after they got their help.. thanks for reading this if you did. its prob a very long post and my typing sentences is not so good. but thanks for letting me vend. i found your blog randomly and i felt i should post.

  16. K says:

    Amanda’s question really resonated with me. I too consider myself a good/nice person but I have very few friends, only one of which I feel really close to. Unlike Amanda though, I’m not an only child. I have a younger brother who is even more (for lack of a better term) anti-social than myself.

    Honestly, I enjoy being alone. I feel that I’m more creative and motivated when I’m not surrounded by others whose whims have often trumped mine, simply because I’m a quiet, easy-going person.

    But from time to time, I’ll feel that aching sensation for friendship and wonder why I can’t be a part of it. I feel that there’s an impenetrable wall between me and other people.

    Both my parents and my brother are the same way yet I consider us all truly kind people though admittedly shy. I wonder, is being a loner part of my nature or was this something I learned from my own family?

    What I would really like is a female friend my age who I can connect and just spend time with. I don’t like to generalize but in my experience as a 22 year old female, I feel that other females around my age are very hard to befriend. I don’t have Facebook, Twitter, etc. and don’t care about celebrities or gossip so this really narrows down the list of topics I can even talk about.

    I find being attractive doesn’t help me make girl friends either (though it helps with male counterparts). A couple years ago, I became fast friends with a coworker but it all changed when one of her old exes became interested in me and we started dating.

    I guess I was naive to think that my friend wouldn’t care (because I wouldn’t have) since she had been dating someone else for a year. In spite of me trying to make amends, our friendship was over after that. She began acting very hatefully towards me and talking behind my back with our coworkers.

    It hurts to think about that friendship and the other friendships I have lost over the years. Though I enjoy alone-time, there’s an emptiness that comes from not being known.

    I pictured myself differently at this age: finishing up college, having fun, lots of camaraderie. In reality I am: an art school dropout, a jaded full-time waitress and a loner though unromantically not by choice.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that all I can really do is pursue what I am passionate about. Maybe this will lead to making like-minded friends but if not, that’s okay.

    I wish you all the best of luck, keep your chins up!

    • J says:

      Hi, I can totally relate with not being so into celebrities and gossip, but I am 23 and finishing up college in May. I lost some friends. Unfortunately, have had trouble making news even at college ever since! I do talk to classmates, but mainly being guys it makes me more nervous and probably awkward. How come you dropped out?

    • Anon says:

      I’m 22 years old, female & haven’t made a bunch of friends in the five years since I’ve left highschool! I’ve moved overseas so it was hard to establish friendships because it was temporary. I do get lonely too & I think girls our age are all about image & social media – I’m not that superficial so I get ruled out.

  17. anonymous says:

    What is a friend? Someone you rely on? I don’t need to rely on anyone. Someone to talk to? I talk to myself or people on internet. I don’t need friends.

    • lollipop says:

      Hi everyone.
      i am new to social media, blogging etc and it took my 10 minutes to figure out how to respond to this blog i found.
      I have always considered myself ‘quirky’ and self reliant…
      I always wondered if there was something wrong with me because I have never had any real friends (other than as a young girl, but once the bullying started, i had no friends at school either) but I AM HAPPY and content with my life….
      I don’t need to talk, email, text with other people as I find this a waste of time that I can be doing something constructive.
      I have lots of ‘acquaintances’ but none that I could really rely on and trust.
      I like to shop by myself, i like to take walks by myself, and even go out for dinner by myself.

      I am in my 50’s and enjoy spending time with myself and my husband – my best friend- actually.
      I have always wondered why I am so content, as it seems everyone else around me is always talking about getting together with ‘friends’. I am glad to see that there are others like me out there.
      Now i feel a little bit better that I am not alone in being alone and happy about it.
      Sincerely,
      Lolli

      • Lee Lee says:

        I can completely relate to you Lolli. My husband is my best friend too, we stick to each other, work our property and work towards our dreams as a whole.

        Friendships for me have always been hard. Unfortunately, its not because of the topics mentioned above, I’m the polar opposites of them. haha. I’m outspoken, blunt, cuss, supportive, loyal, and the fixer of all problems. However, I find that when I am in need of a friend (as my husband is at work and I can’t contain 14 hrs of silence), there is never anyone there. We are what some call… the strong. And the weak dumps all their emotions on to us, and then leave it. I’m not always strong enough to process their emotional crap, so I tell them exactly how I feel about it and presto… Friendship lost. I’m starting to see, that they’re not worth the pain, but that doesn’t stop the mind from overloading and psycho-analyzing itself as to — Why and WTF.

    • Kim says:

      I moved to another town and my friends, including close and lifelong friends, just didn’t keep up contact. My adult daughter doesn’t either. You can tend to feel that you owe it to them or to the relationship to be upset, particularly if it is a very important one like your child. And I am. But these days it’s easier to get distracted from that feeling. It may or may not be a good thing. Maybe the internet is just like a kind of trance that shuts the reality out. Probably it is better to make more effort. But what if they don’t reciprocate? How long should you keep it up? Should you always make nice about this? What if they don’t want to talk about it.

    • psd says:

      Dear Anonymous,
      I think a friend is someone who accepts you for who you are. Someone that you feel you can and do tell anything and everything to and aren’t judged. A friend is happy for you, supportive, loving, and compliments your life outside husbands, boyfriend, kids, and others. I hope someday you find a friend.I’ve lost mine and I can’t explain the void I feel.

  18. Usha says:

    Hi Amanda,

    This is the second time that Im writing to you. As I was going through the posts I just felt like sharing my latest take on friendships.

    I think that some one who is popular with everybody and seems to start a party where ever they go, probably are not that honest and sincere as they may appear.

    I say this coz its almost impossible to please every one. Especially if you are true to yourself. These people simply say things and do things to elicit a response which is favorable to them. That means they are not necessarily honest.

    So the question is do you want to be honest or do you want to be famous with people? If you want to get along great with every body then you might not want to be too honest.

    This is what they call it cleverly as “being diplomatic”

    Being diplomatic is keeping every one´s interest.

    Here comes the contradiction. When we are children we were taught to be honest. But when we grow up we are demanded to be diplomatic.

    So there it is. Be honest or diplomatic? Just like everything in life, one more complicated choice.

    So its up to you to make that choice. But once you have made the choice you will also have to face the consequence of the same. Good or bad.

    But one thing is for sure. If you choose to be nothing but honest and inspite of that if there is some one who sticks to you, you could probably count that person as your true friend.

    The rest of the people are just for time pass.

    Regards
    Usha

  19. Cindy says:

    I’m 52, recently moved to Texas from the Bay Area and have yet to meet any friends or find a job. It’s pretty stressful. I have always been solitary. A misanthrope. I can handle one or two friends but more than that is overwhelming to me. I do get lonely but I tend to make friends and push them away. I don’t trust people. I grew up in several foster homes since 6 yrs old and I am coming to the realization that I am awkward and uncomfortable with people and eventually push them away because, as my children say, I pick losers and users. I do have 2 good friends but I moved 2 states away from them so I could become even more solitary. I feel like people expect me to behave like them but I just don’t know how. It’s easier to just read a book or watch a movie. I feel very alienated from society lately.

    • Amanda says:

      I certainly know the feeling.

      • athena says:

        In my case, first people just dropped hints, and later others informed me that my sibling would call them or approach them at school/neighbourhood or she would use their sibling from her classes to make them want to leave me. Since she was someone to fear, and relentless, people found it easier just to avoid me just like how she convinced me to avoid others too. This game of hers helped her in two ways. It helped gain her friends who figured that she was just looking out for them just like I was made to believe despite some disconnects. Also, it helped to isolate me to have no confidants when she knew that she would be using me to do her degree about which people/police know, since she broke my nose/teeth when I refused. So, I just hope no one common person or her slander is following you around :-) Good luck in your search for better friends, because they are out there

      • Deanna says:

        Amanda,

        I can relate very well with your story. I’d like to talk to you more, one on one and compare notes/feelings. What area of the country (what state) are you in?

        Usha,

        I think you are on to something with your take on friendships. It makes a lot of sense.

        Deanna

  20. anonymous says:

    I will not buy a cellphone, I will not entrap myself on to a Facebook account, and I do not go on the internet on a regular basis. I live in the real world, where there is sun, wind, rain, and sand. I think the internet is a waste of time, and I turn on my computer less and less. People who say they want to be my friend get mad at me because i won’t give them an email address. I’m always deleting and changing my email address so there’s no point. People get weird around me because I won’t go digital, or give myself over to the online world. I want most of my life offline, outside, with the natural world, and for that reason, no one wants to know me.

    People have changed, they’re all brainwashed and are being manipulated and controlled by modern technology and they act like they like it. I will not be a part of this hollow existence.

  21. Nons says:

    Hi everyone, this blog is really interesting. I see myself in so many of the comments that everyone has written. I use to be such a bubbly, outgoing, happy go lucky kinda girl and than into my 30s I started getting angry all the time. Every little thing someone said I would get so sarcastic and snap at them. Just like some of the posts, I saw and heard that classmates were meeting up in different areas, others were so excited to go to reunions and see each other again after so many years. I, on the other hand, was just so critical when I heard this. Facebook shows how everyone is doing. Pictures of their marriages, kids, birthdays and get-togethers feel like they are doing great in their lives. As for me, I am still stuck and havent progressed. For years I would have the same routine just about every single week – wakeup/work/home/church/family/home … I hated my life and just wanted to get away from it all. Its been like this for a couple of years. I started getting disrespectful even to my own parents which breaks my heart now when I think about it… My mother would say, “you make your own self happy, no one else will! No matter how other people treat you, who cares?!? Just go and do the things that make you smile and help others” I would get soooo angry when she said that.
    I have just returned from a trip overseas and its the first time in 6 years that I have travelled again and it was an awesome feeling! I feel recharged and ready to face my own demons come what may. I have decided as I read this blog, to not think like this again [believe me I do ALL THE TIME!] and do my utmost to be a little more positive until I am happier and helping those around me.. Especially my parents who are getting old… Even if you feel the whole world is against you, we each have the power to choose whether to give a damn about that or not.. Now, I Choose to Be Happy! *.* ~ Make yourself smile today everyone! xoxo

    • Raja says:

      I looked at all messages and I realized what does it really mean not having friends? are you talking about a very old friend that you could call in the middle of the night to tell them your nightmare or your most intimate thoughts? If that is the friendship that we are discussing, then YES you have to be very selective. During my entire 40 years, and through it all, I ended up only with one friend (very far away from me Geographically but in my thoughts everyday). Calling her everyday is not that important or reaching out every time is not that important because real friends don’t mind the time that passes between visits. With that said, nowadays, you can call anybody that you just met a friend.. so don’t be discourage when these people don’t reach out.. because they are not friends. I heard some one once said that if you have a lot of friends than you have none. It’s very true. Friendship must mean something and if I don’t have friends because I’m very selective then so be it. My family is my everything. At the end of the day, they will lift me up when I’m down. So don’t be ashamed for not having friends. I made that choice because I’m sick of people who are not really true to themselves… calling friends those who go party with you and get drunk with you…Real life calls for real people and unfortunately, a lot of people value you for what you have and not for who you are… Yes I don’t have friends because I want to have the right people in my life who will push me to succeed, to get further in life. If I’m looking for a friend for a night to listen to my mess, than I will go to the bar and unload on a complete stranger. Once done, you won’t see him again and they won’t use what you tell them against you.. done deal. So go on with your life. Be HAPPY and don’t worry much about not having friends… Your family is much more important. You are much more important.

      • Nons says:

        Absolutely agree! Our Families are so important but it is really hard when it seems they are making you feel a ‘little’ stressed or unhappy … Love cures all but sometimes these scary thoughts come to your mind and it becomes a daily challenge to prevent them from entering your mind … I think of the wonderful memories made when we were younger or better yet … visit a new suburb, city or country and lose yourself in helping others… its such an awesome feeling! It definitely helps creating new cool memories! xoxo

  22. Cindy says:

    I have about three long distance friends and I really only like one of them. I always end friendships, even ones I’ve had for years. I feel like I put in more than I recieve and it eventually makes me tired and I walk away. I believe in loyalty and being supportive but I usually just end up being someone who’s bailing people out of trouble or the person who gets called to be a sounding board. I actually moved two states away to try and start over I felt so overwhelmed by life. I feel I’ve developed huge trust issues and my kids say I’m a bit of a misanthrope. I’m starting to suspect I have permanent emotional damage. I have to confess I grew up in several foster homes since I was 6 so…… After a year of living in Texas (from California Bay Area) I have made no friends.

    • Darlene says:

      Hi Cindy,
      I can relate to what you’re saying, I have ended up being in too many one-sided relationships. In my case, I discovered that I was trying too hard with my friend, which resulted in the other person taking liberties with me, mainly because I let them and didn’t realize I was doing that.
      I would suggest getting some counselling, maybe what you’re experiencing is beyond what you can resolve on your own? It was a really big help in my experience.
      All the best,
      Darlene

  23. Rachel says:

    I too have no friends. Recently moved to a new area and it’s really hard to find. I’ve trawled websites (which is how I found this) and have also come across a relatively new website. It says it’s for people who feel lonely and want to make new friends. I’ve just registered. If you want to check it out it’s http://www.xclusivelyou.com.

    [Note from Irene: Like any other website, it is important to check out the online sites for making friends before you divulge personal information. Here is a list of some other sites for people who want to make new friends: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/making-new-platonic-friends-online/

  24. Catherine says:

    I’m also an only child and an introvert! I found it easy to make friends when I was at school, but now that I’m in the ‘real world’ I’ve drifted apart from all of my old friends and I don’t have any proper friends at all. I get on well with my work colleagues, and occasionally (about twice a year!) socialise with them outside of work, but I haven’t made any real friendships with them.

    If I really think about it, I’m actually quite happy to just have family and colleagues as my ‘friends’. It’s only when I go on Facebook and see what my old school friends are up to that I think “I wish I had that”. My old school friends are always socialising with each other and going on holiday together. Most of them are in relationships as well (I’ve never had one and I’m 23).

    • C.j says:

      Yeah that tends to happen when you leave school. But I get you. People from my high school still see each other. I don’t see anyone now. Didn’t even bother going to the reunion, there was no point. They are all successful now, married etc. I have nothing. Things haven’t gone so well in my own life. Also, if they gave a crap about me, they would’ve messaged once in a while to see how I was doing. I never heard from anyone. They just didn’t care.

      Same here, my family mean the most to me now. They were always there when no one else was. I guess I’m pretty used to not having friends. I haven’t been in a relationship either I’m 28. Doesn’t help being unemployed for so long either. I’ve been hurt by certain people in my life and lost a lot of trust. But I wish I could get my life back together, and I know with small gradual changes I can hopefully achieve that and build self-esteem.

      • Emma says:

        This, “They just didn’t care,” business can go both ways dude, it takes two not to see each other. If you gave a crap about them, you should of contacted them, because sometimes people need a jump-start for things like that. Not saying that they did the right thing by not to contacting you, but you should have taken the initiative if you didn’t like the situation you were in.

        • C.j says:

          And you know for a fact that I didn’t? I reached out but realized they were busy with their lives now, and that things have drifted apart. I was also ignored a few times so I got tired of trying. Besides, I didn’t want to bother anyone with the way I was feeling.. Sometimes things just aren’t that simple.

        • Cosma says:

          Emma, how rude it is from you to make such foolish and hurtful assumptions.

          This site is suppose to be a safe place for people who have a hard time connecting with others and making friends. If this is not the case for you and all you have to offer is some sridiculous and already-tried advices, please go away and leave us alone.

    • Jorge says:

      I’m not an only child but I feel like it after my sister went away to study in the university, I live with my parents, and I am very introvert. Back in high school I had “friends” but occasionally really hung out with them outside of school, I guess that was one of the main factors I never really kept any close friends that to remain around. After high school everyone when on their ways but a couple of them still gather around.
      One thing I noticed out of the few friends that stayed with me they’ve slowly been leaving because of time scheduling not being the same, and the fact of not having a job it’s bad as I don’t have enough money to go out (because no matter where you go you will always spend some). Also the fact that I live with my parents is killing me as I don’t bring in people to my house much, and if I go out sometimes I get curfews it’s terrible, and I am also 23. I wish it was all different. Live on my own, for me I think might help, but I need money for that.

  25. Jeannine says:

    I can so relate to this post.. I just recently had a “friend” that all but blew up on me because i asked yet again.. “are we friends?” i find myself asking this question to her when i contact her… i am the only one that reaches out.. send text, hey how are you, hey hi, whats up, and nothing initiated by her.

    so today, again.. i had to ask.. “are we friends”.. she says to me.. this is absolu-fuckin-ridiculous.. everytime we have a convo you ask me that like third grader… if i did not want to be your friend trust me you would know…

    mind.. BLOWN.. how am i wrong for asking .. ?? color me confused..

    so she says to me.. she has two kids, two sick parents, and a husband to care for and she is not the reachy-outy type!

    someone please tell me.. is this normal.. ?? should i not have asked.. like everytime.. I REACH OUT.. never her .. never ever…

    comments.. welcome!

    • TMA says:

      Hi there Jeanine,

      I’m going through the exact same thing with my best friend. We’ve known each other for like almost 10 years, but we’ve been growing distant for the past couple of years. It started with small things such as me asking her to go hang out and her always making up an excuse to flake because really didn’t want to go yet didn’t want to say so. Then when she would accompany me she’d act like she didn’t want to be there and it was really draining. On one occassion when we went out for my birthday, she didn’t even make an effort to seem excited, though I feigned optimism for the sake of remaining celebratory, it really hurt that she seemed to be so unenthusiastic.
      This was about a year ago and nowadays we don’t even talk unless I initiate the conversations and even then if I ask her to commit to an outing, I don’t even expect her to follow through anymore because I know she’ll either act like she forgot or make up some excuse about why she can’t go.
      Recently I asked her to talk about why things in our communication seem so sparse and I pretty much got the same reaction as you. That I was being dramatic and needy because so busy with school priorities and work and therefor always tired. I deal with just as much and then some, but I’d like to pride myself on making those I consider a priority still important to keep in touch with. She doesn’t even try anymore, it’s like I could just stop trying all together and one day we just would cease to be friends all because I gave up. It’s been extremely disappointing and frustrating, but I understand how you feel

      • Happy Senior says:

        Hi,
        It sounds like your friend is not able to handle the pressures of life like you can. I have met many people who have lost touch with old friends because of this. A few women I have worked with have told me about this feeling of pressure and being very unhappy with their life. It does sound like a form of depression.
        Sometimes people are not happy in their life, but don’t know what to do about it. I would suggest don’t expect too much from your friend, and don’t ask what the problem is, but maybe sporadically keep in touch with her. Someday she may come out of her funk and be happy you are still around for her. Just move on and find other friends who have the same interests as you.

    • Michael says:

      Sorry Jeannine but she doesn’t sound like a real friend to me at all. She also sounds a bit unstable. You can do better than that. I used to have a “friend” that never initiated a conversation. I always initiated the “hey, how are you” and usually got a “good” but soon after a “I’m kinda busy”. Busy all the time ? Day and night ? Hmmmm. A friend who doesn’t have time for you is not really a friend. BTW this wasn’t just over a week. This was over months even.

    • TooSmart says:

      Dear Jeannine, this is a familiar situation for me: the “friend” who cannot and does not want to talk about the friendship and never reaches out and let all the initiative to me because she is too busy, blablabla.
      I know it hurts but it is better not to put energy and time in such people. For these people we are only a back-up plan. They already have the husband and the children (which for me as a single woman is already a lot) but still don’t appreciate what they have and then it comes in handy to have a “friend” who gives some extra attention, but only when they need it and it suits them. You can give but don’t you dare ask something.

      But that’s not a friendship. Friendship is a mutual thing, you give and you also receive. It is very important for me that this balance is respected.

      In the past I have spent too much time in unbalanced friendships. No more. I am a good friend and you have to earn my friendship. And if the balance is no longer there, and it is impossible to discuss what is happening (and that is something few women seem able to do) then I leave the friendship. It always hurts because I would like to keep my friends with me forever but life is short and my time and friendship precious. So if the friendship is more frustrating than anything else, I stop it.

      • lifestooshort says:

        Hi guys,
        I’m new on this forum but I also seeked for some kind of answers.
        First of all, I too feel very lonely alot this is because I don’t have a family due to parents bereavement and I’vee spent most of my time living on my own even before I became an adult.

        Thing is though, although I moved a lot but you know sometimes when a child grows up without love she finds it hard to love or form friendships in later life. Tbis somewhat affected me abit.

        I had a longterm boyfriend who kind of filled the void of having friends or family but after we broke up I felt like I knew myself more and I had alot of love to give.

        Cut long story short, I made friends but like you guys felt like they weren’t genuine, they took advantage of my kindness while exploiting me.

        I feel that isolation can cause one to look in the wrong places for love and validation.

        Ladies and gentlemen hang in there.

    • Mari says:

      Well, some people are like what she said- not so good at reaching out.

      You can ask her, for a change to take some initiative.

      Tell her: ‘Ive taken the initiative for some time, do now Im gonna give it to you’. But say it nicely

    • SJtR says:

      if you put out and have big milkers, this might help you find some friends jeannine… hey, its the truth!

    • Madame La Fidget says:

      Hey Jeannine,
      I, too, struggle with knowing how to behave in a way that’s considered socially acceptable for an adult. I feel like it really gets in the way of my ability to start and keep friendships. Although I wasn’t always this way.
      That, and of course, the fact that I’ve come to prefer being alone to socializing.
      Like others on this board, I feel like it’s easier to pursue my own interests in the quiet solitude of my home than to risk embarrassing myself, or worse, being hurt again. I’ve been betrayed many, many, times in friendships and family relationships, to the point where I just accept that there are many good people out there in the world, but I can’t give my heart anymore. Can’t give the time of day, I’ve built an impenetrable wall around myself- the perfect defense, particularly because it’s comfortable, warm (I can wear those embarrassingly colored and fuzzy socks all day long while I plug through hw, run on my treadmill, order out or cook from home) , it is also pleasantly anti-social and safe. Feel like it’s also a major barrier that I am attractive. I want/ed a female friend to share mutual interests, healthy competition, genuine care, etc., but my physical outer shell has seeded many horrible and emotionally damaging betrayals and much bullying growing up.

      Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. One thing though, an earlier poster talked about “speaking diplomatically”, and I really felt like he was right. In relationships, human creatures tend to like to leave emotionally profound things unsaid.
      Anything that reveals your own emotional wants/needs, uncertainties, hurts, etc., are best generally avoided. That means that we can’t ask someone if we are friends, or not. People don’t like to talk about those sorts of things, and it is generally just assumed that you can find out without asking. Like, if she returns your calls, invited you places, accepts your own invitations, and seems genuinely interested in you as a person- you would be expected to be able to read these cues and non-verbally come to the conclusion that you are indeed friends, or not friends.
      Try to read between the lines a bit, but not too much. I think that she was just upset with you because you broke an unspoken code, adults try not to reveal emotional wants/needs too soon in a relationship, and too deeply. She doesn’t want to feel like she has to “take care” of anyone that she doesn’t already have to.
      She seems genuinely interested in being your friend, but probably just wants you to have a little more of a wall around your emotions, while being your true self at the same time. If that makes any sense.

      Just remember to keep emotions in check, and to read her cues before asking similar questions in the future. Much of humanoid communication is nonverbal, it just takes some practice!
      Maybe this’ll help: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/nonverbal-communication.htm

      Good luck on your quest.
      Fidget

  26. SUSHIL says:

    HELLO TO AMANDA AND ALL ….
    YES I AM ALSO IN THIS BOAT. IN MY LIFE TIME LOST MANY FRIENDS AND TILL I HAVE NO BEST FRIEND. MAY BE WE ARE UNIQUE THAT WHY NO ONE ACCEPT AND MATCH WITH US .
    I THINK IT ALL GREED OF KNOWLEDGE AS FOR ME M ALSO LOOK FORWARD AND SKIPPED ALL THE FRIENDS. FOR A FRIENDSHIP WE NEED MORE CONNECT WITH EACH OTHER I THINK. ITS ALL CREATED BY IDENTIFICATION OF OUR THOUGHT. LOOK AT THE REALTY NOT FANTASY . CONNECT YOU WITH YOURSELF FIRST THAN YOU DIDN’T NEED ANY BEST FRIEND ALL IS BEST. FOR YOU. I HAVE ALSO A MANTRA FOR YOU .
    “LOOK AT THE TIP OF PRESENT AND LIVE WITHIN IT ONLY , THERE IS NOTHING FUTURE . ITS ONLY OMNI PRESENT. be here now IS THE REALTY OF INFINITY”

    ~SUSHIL

  27. Happy Senior says:

    I have been reading all the posts, and think that many of you probably have a friend that you don’t know about. Someone in your life who speaks well of you and supports you to other people, but has a very busy life of there own. You never really know what people are saying about you when you are not around. Are there people in your life who are always friendly to you? I have always been a busy person. When my kids were young I spent most of my time entertaining them. I rarely sat around with other young mothers. Then I went back to work and had even less time with other women. I really hate gossip and if I hear someone start to gossip about other people, I just figure the minute I leave, she will start gossiping about me. My advise is to relax, and stop looking for a close friend. Get out and enjoy some activities, you might find a like spirit when you find someone who likes the same hobbies. Think about volunteering to an animal charity or something you really feel passion about. Don’t look to other people to make you feel less lonely. Get out and enjoy life. It’s a beautiful world with great people in it.
    Stay away from the clique b’s. They are insecure small minded people. Not worth anything in this great world. They also sound like a bunch of passive aggressive cows. When people need cliques, they are cowardly bullies.

    • a friend says:

      This is a very insightful way to look at life and is very helpful to me. I am very much like this, I find that when you hate gossip, you really can’t find a group of women friends as most women love to gossip. I ignore the “cliques” and have been called a “loner” for this, but as I age, I feel that I know this about myself and am getting more used to being alone. I have a couple of what I would say are “good friends”, but I don’t feel totally close to them as they have bypassed me for others if a “better deal” comes along. I think that my best friend is my husband anyway. Thanks for the good reply, it’s helpful to me as I feel that I have always been kind of a “square peg” trying to fit into the “round hole of friendships” with other women.

    • Darlene says:

      Very well put, Happy Senior. Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the negatives and that tends to colour many parts of life, including how we relate to others. It may sound a little simplistic, but I’ve found that getting involved in positive and enjoyable hobbies has exposed me to some tremendously positive people, which feeds my own sense of seeing the world in a positive light. It’s all part of the whole picture, I think.

  28. Sand says:

    Only children are different than others who grew up with siblings. I grew up with three brothers and I tend to be very straightforward and to the point. I don’t sugar coat things either. I’ve noticed that other women who have sisters don’t get me. I have a good friend from HS who has three brothers as well and we try to keep in touch. We don’t text or talk every day, but I feel like I can always tell her anything and she won’t judge me.

    I hope thst helps, you seem like a great person.

    P.S
    I married an only child because he’s pretty straightforward and knows what he wants in life. Honest and trustworthy. The only friend I need.

    • Ruth says:

      I also have only brothers and I also find that women in general don’t get me, esp the ones with sisters. I am speaking in general; there are always exceptions.

      I know what you’re talking about. Men have always been comfortable with me because I am who I am sans drama sans games sans insecurity. Their approval or lack thereof means nothing to me.

  29. Sam says:

    In life you will make many acquaintances, but your very very lucky if you have even one friend!

  30. Sonya says:

    Well said Ana! Amanda – you are very normal and ‘yes’ lonely. I’m in the same boat. (Having thought – all the questions…self analysis, just like you) People are really – really caught up their own lives…and I’m sure you’re a wonderful friend, given the chance and it being a two way street. Hang on to your hope of establishing a few great connections to people who really interests you and you can get something going with. It may be that you have to take just bits and pieces of everything relationship opportunity around you – to create some resemblance of an active stimulating, rewarding social life. May I repeat – I too am lonely and having to gulp down my own words, saying them to you. But, have faith, keep trying…I just have to believe, you WILL find your people. I went to a Meetup group last year and found one ‘gem’ of girlfriend and that’s going great. I’m still inviting people over for dinner or games, dessert, what ever…it takes a lot of ‘spaghetti’ to through against the wall – one of those noodles WILL eventually stick. Keep trying to connect – you are hard wired to be a social creature, accept that need and look for how you might fulfill your sense of ‘true fun in life’ and maybe it there, in those activities and environments you will find your next best friend. Much love and support to stay hopeful and open. Sunny-Sonya!

  31. mel says:

    I am in the same boat as the asker, and I’m out of high school. Lost a lot of “friends” in high school, still say hi to a lot of people, but even the one I consider my closest friend when we’re together is still vague with me when it comes to getting together or planning a day. Or even just giving me a ride for petes sake!

    I’m energetic and outgoing and cracking jokes all the time, but I like to be mindful and serious side to things and try to stand up for what I believe in.

    Why don’t people like me? Or make an effort to hang with me????

    • daniel says:

      Changing who you are to satisfy others.– No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are. The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” It should be, “Why am I wasting my time worrying what they think of me?” If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life. Be happy. Be yourself. If others don’t like it, then let them be. Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.
      Putting up with negative people and negative thinking.– It’s time to walk away from all the dramaand the people who create it. Surroundyourself with those who make you smile. Love the people who treat you right, and pray for the ones who don’t. Forget the negative and focus on the positive. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Making mistakes and falling down is a part of life, but getting back up and moving on is what LIVING is all about.
      Focusing all of your attention on another time and place.– This day will never happen again. Enjoy it. Cherisssss

    • Jen says:

      I don’t know, Mel. I wish I had the answers, but I find the same to be true for me. I guess we give off a bad vibe or something. Also it might not be us-like Daniel said. Maybe the other people are the problem. It’s hard to find someone that you really click with. It doesn’t happen that often. Some people make it look so easy though.

      • mel says:

        Its funny cuz like I told Daniel I thought I’d learned that lesson of other people some times being the problem, and not always me. I dealt with that in jrhigh/high school, but I guess I still deal with it. I mean yeah its good to recognize flaws in yourself and try to be a better person, but I can’t control what other people do. And people almost never act the same way I would act to them. Ya know? We expect the best in people.
        I like to give them the benefit of the doubt to be fair, but there’s only so many times before I go “Okay this person is just not into me. Their mind sets are different than mine.”

      • Sunshine says:

        I totally agree with you Jen, I went from being bullied as a child and friendless to being old and friendless.

      • Darlene says:

        One thing that I learned on my journey towards making friends is that it’s easy to give people messages that you don’t intend. For example, it could be as simple as the wrong body language or sounding a bit needy. Definitely focus on the good people in your life, but maybe pay attention to how people respond to you as you are speaking to them, that may give you clues. That really worked for me, I used to come across as too needy and I talked too much about myself, rather than relaxing and enjoying the moment with that person. Everyone’s situation is different, though.

  32. jayjay says:

    There are a lot of miserable people who are miserable only because they are trying fit into a mold that society has defined as ‘normal.’

    I was a happy introvert until society told me I must be depressed, anti-social and unhappy people because I preferred being alone to being with people. So I proceeded to drink myself into stupors so I could be ‘normal’ and socialize. After almost killing myself in the process, I realized there was a better option – the option to live life as me and not who society wants me to be.

    So what if a person has no friends. In my view, that just means they are so secure with who they are that they don’t need reinforcement from anyone else. It’s not the introverts and the people with no friends who have problems, it’s the people who judge them as lacking.

    • Jess says:

      Hi JayJay,

      I believe people shouldn’t try to make friends because that is what society thinks of as the norm.

      Instead people should make friends so they have someone to share their thoughts, loyalty and experiences with.

      No-one needs friends, but having someone you can spend quality, emphasis on QUALITY not quantity, time with can be enjoyable.

      Jess

      • jayjay says:

        Jess – People should make friends if they want to make friends. Period. The don’t need society, you or anyone else telling them they “should” make friends – whatever the reason.

      • jayjay says:

        Yes, that’s common sense.

        People, whether they are introverts and extroverts, will make friends if they want to make friends. They don’t need society, you or anyone else telling them they “should” make friends – whatever the reason.

      • jayjay says:

        oops sorry for the double-post

  33. Jen says:

    P.J. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I was waiting to hear from you! What’s new? How are you doing? I start a new part time job next week, but at least I know someone I’m working with, so I might even make a friend! I’m really excited. It seems like things are finally changing for the better. I’m really happy right now. I’m glad you value my friendship enough to reach out to me.

  34. cat says:

    I can identify with what everyone is saying on this site. I am 37 and have no friends, I am in the process of pushing a “friend” away as she only invites me places when its going to cost me money, the friendship is a bad one which is why I am driffting away from her.

    • Jen says:

      Cat, I often get accused of pushing people away too. I think that’s only natural if someone isn’t treating you right, but from the outside it looks like we’re the ones being antisocial.

      • Kat says:

        I am 38 and recently lost my two best friends as all they ever seemed to want me for is money , I have become very depressed about why they felt this was ok ? I felt like drinking every day but haven’t as I use to drink a lot I work hard but feel very alone and never understand why people don’t like me

        • Michael says:

          Ah. The money friend. Not a real friend.
          Drinking is not the answer to this either. That will just make you more depressed. A real friend is someone who wants to spend time with you regardless of how much money you have. Someone that will be there in time of need. Of course this isn’t all take. Remember its give and take from both sides. (And I’m not talking about money here)

    • Jen says:

      Cat, I often get accused of pushing people away too. I think that’s only natural if someone isn’t treating you right, but from the outside it looks like we’re the ones being antisocial. I wouldn’t give up a friendship just because of the money though. That can probably be resolved. Ask the friend to do something cheaper or free and see what happens.

      • Pj. says:

        Jen,

        That’s interesting, I mean I asked if you wanted to be friends, you accepted and said in a previous post to me…

        Jen says:
        September 29, 2014 at 7:36 pm

        “Yes I’d like to be friends. It seems like we would get along fine. Aw you are sweet. I feel the love, thank you.”

        After that post I never heard back from you? In my next post I asked you if I pushed the boundaries, or maybe you were busy doing other things? Again you never replied, but after reading many of your past posts I didn’t take it personally and now think I understand why.

        Not to throw it in your face here, but I ponder why you would say that others accuse you of pushing away, when I never pushed you away or accused you of anything?

        I can only think that your not being honest with me, other people or yourself, which is fine – just saying…

        • Jen says:

          P.J. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I was waiting to hear from you! What’s new? How are you doing? I start a new part time job next week, but at least I know someone I’m working with, so I might even make a friend! I’m really excited. It seems like things are finally changing for the better. I’m really happy right now. I’m glad you value my friendship enough to reach out to me.

          • Pj. says:

            Oh please…

            You didn’t “mean” to ignore me, you were waiting to hear from me. How? what more could I have done? I’ve seen you respond to a number of other posts, not mine though?

            Your glad I value your friendship enough to reach out to you? My intentions were clear, yours I still can’t figure out…?

            I find it so interesting that the very unfairness or games others claim to exist outside this forum, are in fact alive and well right here.

            But that’s on me, I chalk it up to expectations and naivety.

            Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed ~ sage advice indeed!

            All the best Jen.

            • Jen says:

              Wow I see why you have no friends. You need to learn to forgive and forget. I was trying to apologize. Sorry I couldn’t make that clear to you. If I did though, and this isn’t some huge misunderstanding, then I suggest you do learn to forgive and forget. People aren’t perfect, flawless creatures.

              • Pj. says:

                Wow, ouch… are you sure that’s not your subconscious talking?

                It goes without saying, it’s understood no one is perfect pretty much pointless even making that statement.

                I imagine you always come out on shining, always taking the high road.

                That’s ok, go ahead make me the bad guy always easier to blame others than being responsible for our own actions.

        • Madame La Fidget says:

          Hiya P.J.,
          You seem like a nice person, and I’m so glad that I found this board full of others who are like minded.
          I happened to notice your comments with Jen, and I thought that maybe I could help out.
          A lot of people build very tall walls around themselves, myself included, and so it’s hard to socialize with people, in general. The anonymity that we have online makes it easy, and we relish being able to disclose so much about ourselves online, and to know others in the same way without ever revealing our faces.
          Part of building this wall, is not wanting to bring others in, particularly when they were met off of the internet. Meeting someone on the internet carries a certain ‘stigma’, in the sense that most peopledon’t feel like it’s safe.
          We enjoy sharing online because we can remain anonymous, and unknown. But it is no longer enjoyable when we are found out.
          Sometimes people say things that they don’t mean, and sometimes, we all just want to be alone in the end, and not truly known- no matter what we say to the contrary.
          I’ve been hurt in that way too, but I have to embrace the anonymity of the internet!
          Good luck

          • Jen says:

            Why is everyone taking PJ’s side? I didn’t do anything. He’s the one attacking me. I guess I do have a tall wall around myself. Thanks for helping me build one on the internet too. I won’t be visiting this site any longer. I guess I wore out my welcome. Good luck to the people I spoke to such as CJ (not PJ).

            • Darlene says:

              Hi Jen,
              In this exchange I just heard a misunderstanding. I didn’t pick sides and I suspect most people on this blog didn’t either. Hard as it is, try not to take this personally, maybe take whatever lessons you can from it and move forward. If you are enjoying this blog and gaining insights from it, please stay. You have as much right to be here as anyone else. Darlene

    • cyan says:

      I like your perspectives JayJay and Cat. I’m 42, have been recovering from some serious betrayals over the past 7 years, so I understand I still have some ‘trust’ issues..but I think there’s something to be said about realizing when the people we consider ‘friends’ really aren’t the kind of friends we want in our lives any more..or maybe even ever. I think this society has really bred people to becoming narcissistic and opportunistic, and I’m thinking my ‘trust issues’ are actually helping me to protect myself better now (I trusted people way too much and too fast before). I’m also realizing I have changed and I don’t want to be that unconditional support/enabler for people any more. It was such a one way street, and when I needed help, no one came around. I might sound a little bitter, but it was a hard lesson to learn about the real ‘character’ of some friends. I do get counselling on a regular basis, but rather than diagnosing ‘friendless’ people as ‘anti-social’ or ‘introverted’, maybe we could consider how maybe we’ve just adapted to a world where we’re surrounded with a growing number of selfish manipulative people? And i would rather be friendless than have another ‘fair weather friend’, that’s for sure.

      • TooSmart says:

        I recognize myself in what you write, cyan. I also used to be very trusting, too trusting. I was verbally, physically and emotionally abused by my mother and so desperate for attention and affection that I grabbed every crumb that was thrown at me. At almost 50 I have come to the conclusion that there are not too many people out there who can be trusted and have real empathy.

        I just had a negative experience with a “friend” which will probably mean the end of the friendship. She lives abroad but is in my country for work from time to time. Last year she proposed to go for lunch only to cancel one hour before our meeting with a headache. I did not like that at all and had the feeling the excuse was not genuine. A couple of months later she proposes to have breakfast together. This was before work so we had like 45 minutes together. I thought that was very meager to replace a lunch she had cancelled. We are almost a year further and she mails me to ask me to go for dinner. Wow an upgrade. Well guess what: she cancelled the dinner one hour before it would take place because of a… headache. This was Friday and I am still fuming. I send her an angry text and an email. No answer of course.

        I suppose I have done or said something she does not like and instead of being clear about it, she resorts to some stupid passive-aggressive behaviour. I mean, she is the one proposing to do something yet she cancels afterwards. I get the impression she is simply doing this to make me look forward to a meeting only to have her disappoint me.

        So this is probably the exit of yet another “friend” but honestly I really don’t think I am losing a lot with her.

      • Karen says:

        Hi Cyan, I just stumbled upon this website. Your comments strike a note with me as you seem to have had similar experiences to those I have had. I am 44 years old and have felt as though I am way behind in terms of recent realizations where my so-called ‘friends’, were concerned. I’ve been feeling as though generally people go through stuff like this in their twenties or thirties. Admittedly, it made me feel as though I’ve been in La-la land for way too long. Now I am trying not to go from one extreme (very friendly, somewhat naive, trusting, and well ‘nice’) to being very wary, cynical, guarded and introverted. Thing is I think that a long time ago in my mid-teens to early twenties I was this way for a while and I actually feel that based on my experiences on a whole to date, I was right the first time! Seems to me that we live in a world where ‘normal’ people expect to be able to do as they very well please, and ‘nice’ people are expected to always put up with whatever and at the end of the day roll over and be the ‘forgiving’, understanding ones. Quite frankly, put in a nutshell, I’ve just about had it with the so-touted ‘normal’ people and their BS. Yet when you get to this point you’re the one who is termed selfish because you choose to stay away from the ‘what’s in it for me’ users of this world.

      • SK says:

        I’ve been in a similar situation as you Cyan. I seemed to have surrounded myself with people who just wanted things from me (money, advise, help). Some of which I was happy to give. However, when it came my time to ask for support, everyone disappeared. I was shocked. I thought that I had chosen good friends. I was there for them and now they were not there for me. Now I can see that I had chosen friends that were selfish, conceited, jealous and self absorbed. I grew up with my dad so I am direct and straight forward. I find that the women that I chose as friends were so superficial. It has been a wonderful learning opportunity for me. I am also trying not to give away my trust so easily anymore. I’ve learned to put my needs first. I help others if I can and with no expectations that they should reciprocate kindness (this is a little more challenging) and I’m learning that it is OK not to be liked by everyone. I believe that one day I will make some great friends and that it will be a 2 way street.

      • lifestooshort says:

        Hi cyan,
        You really hit the nail right there cos ive always been a source of support to people also…who claim they broke all the time and rely on me to pay each time we go out then 5mins later they on some fancy holiday. ..or even not being there for me when I have clearly always been there for them

        Definitely people are more opportunistic and narcissistic. Its all about what they can get from u…how about just enjoying life together life should be a symbiotic relationshil not a one way street. This applies to every form of relationships out there.

  35. April says:

    Ana, I agree with you 100%, but I guess that’s why we’re on the Friendship blog. I have never had a Facebook page and I never intend to trade in meaningful friendship and connection for acquiring friend numbers. I am alone a lot, though. My experience has been that I cannot relate to other mothers and other mothers cannot relate to me. I try to befriend other moms when my kids are friends with their kids, but I seem to only find women who are completely wrapped up in the lives of their kids. Sometimes it seems that they judge me for not being this way, and sometimes I find the conversation so incredibly dull. A most recent example is when I was in a conversation with two moms on the playground and I thought it was going well and then they started talking about Thermoses and which ones leak and which cartoon characters their kids like, etc. Now, I can hang in there for a little while and smile and even add my own anecdotes about my lunch packing mishaps, but when I thought the topic should die a natural death, the moms broke off into their own little conversation pack and were talking for at least twenty minutes about this topic and in a very excited, connected way. Once again, I felt like I was not one of them and clearly, I am not. Do I want to be? Yes and no. At another gathering, the topic was how kids’ tennis shoes match their outfits. It’s either that or talking about teachers or school or diets. Oh where are the women who read literature, see plays, live music, create art, want to talk-talk, the nitty gritty life stuff not centered around their fabulous kids? (By the way, everyone’s kid around here is “amazing.” No one has just a normal kid.

    • May says:

      ~ To be or not to be, that is the question…

      “Conform or be cast out”

    • L.M. says:

      Hi April,

      Isn’t it sad what passes for conversation sometimes? I’m no chit-chat snob, but I don’t want to gossip about all of the other moms, I don’t want to point out who’s not wearing “cool” clothes, and I don’t want to compare the size of our houses. I’d just love honest, intelligent, meaningful conversation. Sometimes it also seems if you have an opinion that differs from someone else’s, they no longer care to speak with you. I often say nothing (which may come off as unfriendly) because I am an introvert. I’ve tried putting myself in social situations ( PTA board, school volunteer for 12 years ) but just can’t click with most moms. I started going to a church-volunteered countless hours-only to have a church officer say unkind things about my daughter and gossip about her. I relate to so many of the stories and people on this site–I think we would all know how to treat each other’s hearts with kindness and understanding. Anyone out there near North Idaho? :-)

      • Linda says:

        I can really relate to so many of the comments written hear. It makes me feel more comfortable about the friendships that have come and gone.

        You make a good point. People will fritter your life away with dull, boring small talk.

        A woman walked into the bar this evening and proceeded to tell the waitress about an emergency room experience. I use wrap around headphones to avoid being subjected to those type of conversations. I could see she wanted to engage me with her tales of woe as she played the game beside me. I thought no, why do I need to be dragged down by a complete stranger or anyone else for that matter.

        After reading these posts I am more positive about my friendless state. It’s the path I’ve chosen. If I want small talk there are always Meet Ups to meet people, so the option is always there. It’s just conversations are not always fun and sometimes can drag you into dark places that I am happier to stay out of. So there lol All is good!

    • Suzie says:

      Hi April and L.M.,

      I could be way off base, but I’m guessing that your kids are on the young side, like under the aqe of 10. Just my humble opinion, but in my experience, most moms with kids in that age range are the worst, collectively speaking. Irritating, competitive over superficial things and basically, just out of touch with the real world. I’ve always been a working mom and while it’s been challenging at times, it has saved me from those “playground conversations about nothing” because, well, since I’m at work I’m not there to hear them (lol)! ; )

      I only have one child and she’s 13 now. A lot of her classmates’ moms have calmed down by this point- it’s almost like they’re saying “the jig is up- my kids aren’t amazing, but ordinary like everyone else’s!”. I do hope things look up for both of you. I can honestly say that my best friends’ lives do not parallel mine. Two friends are childless and one has a son who is only in kindergarten, so naturally, he and my daughter don’t play together. Also, I’m becoming friendly with the mom of a “new girl” my daughter just met at the end of the summer. She’s actually the girl’s adoptive mother so she’s older, with (biological) adult children and even two grandchildren. I may not be 25 anymore, but I’m definitely no grandma, LOL! Good luck to both of you. :)

      Suzie in Buffalo, NY

    • Meg says:

      I am not a mom but I sub in public schools while I search for full time teaching. I hate the schools where all the teachers are moms. Some ignore me once they find out I have no kid and I don’t want to talk about doing laundry, I hate laundry. I never knew laundry conversations could last a whole lunch break. I just eat alone and go my merry way, read the news, check out some blogs, or read a book. But it can be hard finding friends as a substitute teacher. I assumed all moms were friends. Talking endlessly about their kids. I have a dog. Let me compare your child to my dog – not a good idea. I hope that if I decide to be a mom, I have friends like you. We could have conversations about our own interests and not domestic duties or what your kid is wearing.

  36. Lynn says:

    I consider myself lucky to have had a few very good friends in my lifetime. I am on the backside of middle-aged (lol). I felt bad reading some of these postings because I, too, have had a difficult time at times making friends and I can understand how one may feel. I also got a little aggravated reading what “flaws” a person who cannot seem to make friends might have. People who don’t accept people because they perceive that someone has a disability are the ones who are flawed. And, then, there are those occasions when (sorry to say, but it is true) where people are thinking they are superior and they are super catty … who can be friends with that or wants to be friends with that!!! Yes, sometimes, I have been guilty of being too introverted. And, (lol) since most people don’t read minds, I suspect they may have mistaken me my introverted state for me being unfriendly. Yes, I needed to extend an effort and failed in some cases. However, there have been cases where some people were not open to including anybody else in their inner circle. Then there have been cases where people wanted to be “friends” because they wanted to exploit talents of the “mark” (yes, I said “mark”). Personally, I don’t need those type of “friends.” A friendship should not be about how one can use another. A friendship should be based on the enjoyment of being around each other and often stem from having mutual interests. The point is that sometimes it may be our fault and sometimes it is NOT our fault when it comes to attempts at cultivating friendship. My best girlfriend passed away a year ago and there is no replacing that friendship. We met in junior high and were friends for over forty years. When we met in choir, it like we had known each other forever. Then there’s my husband … we were friends before we even thought about dating. He is my best friend. Lastly, I agree with what Ana said in her post. I think that all this social media has taken hold and even though there are all these “communication” devices, communication has gone out the window, so to speak. A lot of people are too busy texting, playing games on their “smart” phones and posting on facebook. And, facebook friends are NOT really friends. When I feel lonely, I play catch with my two dogs and take them for walks. They are very sweet and loyal. I also do charcoal drawings if the mood strikes me. Treat yourself as your own best friend. Lol … I always say that people don’t know what they are missing if they don’t want to be my friend … or at least have a friendly conversation with me. :) Listen to ANA. Her post pretty much seems to sum it up. Amanda, you are not alone. God Bless and wishing good things for you.

  37. Jess says:

    Hi Amanda,

    I know exactly how you feel.

    I have found it difficult to make friends my whole life.
    And when I do make a friend they have the tendency to move away, as in to another country.

    Until today I didn’t even realise that I am an introvert.

    Today I’m avoiding a party at my uncle’s house.

    I usually avoid family get-togethers unless I really need to attend, and if I do attend I NEED to drink alcohol to socialise with them properly. And I’m normally the last to arrive and the first to leave.

    I’m 29 now.
    I have 2 jobs and study (online) at Uni part-time.

    Initially I thought I was keeping myself busy because I want to buy a house on my own, especially since I’m single and no man on this world understands what reliable is, and I enjoy my studies.
    But now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m keeping myself busy as an excuse to not socialise….

    Oh, and I suffer from anxiety and depression, but am taking cymbalta which helps alot, so I don’t think my social behaviour is a result of my mental health.

    I just really don’t know what to do or who to go to when I find myself lonely.
    Hence, a quick internet search brought me here.

    Jess

    • Jen says:

      Hi Jess, I’m sorry you feel lonely. I know it hurts sometimes, but many of us here actually prefer being alone. We’re introverts. It’s also great to hear you’re ambitious enough to want to but a house. You’re also working hard to get it, so I really hope you do! I want to get my own place, but I have bad anxiety and depression that are obstacles for me too. I tend to avoid all situations that trigger those feelings. I might have to try some kind of medication. I tried SSRIs and anti anxiety medication, but they just made me dizzy and changed my personality. I wonder if a SNRI like Cymbalta would be better.

      • Jess says:

        Hi Jen,

        I have been on anti-depressants for about 10 years and have tried several, the worst was Lexapro, anyway the side effects you felt (dizziness, nausea) only last a couple of weeks.
        You will need to trial a few types of meds until you find the one that suits.

        If it weren’t for Cymbalta I wouldn’t be here today.

        Jess :)

        • Jen says:

          I’m glad you found the right drug, Jess. It’s not easy to find the right one or the correct dosage. I tried 2 different pills when they first came on the market. I never tried Prozac, but I was on Paxil and Zoloft. I took Paxil for a few months, and I was still dizzy. I also saw myself behaving quite differently than usual. It was a little disturbing to see myself act so different than the person I know. I was a lot more outgoing. I was also extremely flirtatious; it was like I had a few too many drinks! I felt no emotion either. I wasn’t sad, happy, or anything. I just felt numb the whole time. I’m reluctant to try them again, although I might need to eventually since depression seems to last a lifetime.

          • Jess says:

            Hi Jen,

            Have you thought about therapy?

            My doctor always recommends it, but I find it very difficult to tell them anything important.

            Jess

            • Jen says:

              I’ve thought about it, but I’ve already been to therapy. It never really helped either. If anything, it’s humiliating to have to discuss all the awful things that have happened to me. Plus bringinging it up again does more harm than good. I find self help books more practical.

  38. Gary says:

    I disagree with ignoring the ‘self analysis’ perspective – for the reason being we are all conditioned unconsciously with a set of beliefs and those beliefs will create the life we live – all your issues are not ‘out there’ they are all your issues – example you might say “people can’t be trusted” that sort of statement will in itself attract people that can’t be trusted – we must look at what ideas and concepts we entertain with belief and that will show us why we have lonely experiences in our worlds – the inner world creates the outer world so self analysis will uncover why things happen the way they do – it would be foolish to walk about thinking everyone is great and a nice person as this is also misleading but surely thinking good people are out there and they want to be our friends is a much better way to think than people can’t be trusted etc!

    • GraceW says:

      In my experience, I feel like the more self-aware I become, the better I am at finding compatible friends. I agree that we all carry certain beliefs, many of which are unspoken, because the belief is so ingrained that we don’t even know it’s there. We can see unspoken beliefs (and expectations) on display when people say things like “If you’re my friend, you’ll know what I want” or “Everyone knows you should visit a friend when she’s in the hospital.” (Guess what, I have a friend who doesn’t want visitors when she’s in the hospital.) When self-awareness is absent, we assume friends would want what we want, because we can’t imagine any other way.

      The one major unspoken belief that I had to overcome was the belief that to be a good friend, if I *could* jump to someone’s rescue, then I *must* jump to her rescue. People didn’t even have to ask for help, because I’d volunteer myself first. Paint your living room? Sure! Help move a sofa up three flights of stairs? I’m there! I tied my worth as a friend to how much I could help. So I ended up staying in a few friendships where the person would only call when she needed something. And yeah, in the end, I’d resent it.

      So I had to become aware of that belief, question it, test it. The friendships I’ve made since then have been a lot more balanced.

      • cyan says:

        That is truly beautiful, GraceW. I have been through similar, and hope my future friendships can also be characterized with such balance. It’s kind of liberating to realize I *don’t* have to ‘fix’ things for people all the time..and to become more aware of what _I_ actually want (not just my bare needs) in a friendship. My newest friendship is with a colleague at work whom I met during a PD training course. I find doing things that really interest you is the best way to meet and make new friends since you already have something in common:) I found this site because I guess I was feeling sad, maybe even guilty, for having ended or grown distant from some older friendships…Anyhow, thank you for sharing your positive growth :)

  39. nojo says:

    “Why would someone have no friends?”

    http://www.tljones.co.uk/apd/relates.htm

    ‘Individuals with [Avoidant Personality Disorder] are “lonely loners.” They would like to be involved in relationships but cannot tolerate the feelings they get around other people. They feel unacceptable, incapable of being loved, and unable to change. Because they retreat from others in anticipation of rejection, they lead socially impoverished lives.’

    • Pablo says:

      Interesting post…

      I’m aware of an almost endless list of labels on personality disorders, and question the degree of subjectivity Vs. accurate diagnosis of these disorders. I mean on one hand I most certainly identified with many of the traits of this disorder, but always the skeptic question most things in life as I believe very little of what anyone claims as many facets of the human condition fall into opinions, combined with the suggestibility of the human species. Always wise to get a second and third opinion – they do consider it a practice…

      I came across this excerpt from a website “Out of the fog”. People who suffer from AvPD are all unique and so each person will display a different subset of traits. Also, note that everyone displays “Avoidant” behaviors from time to time. Therefore, if a person exhibits one or some of these traits, that does not necessarily qualify them for a diagnosis of AVPD.

      • Mia says:

        Wow, it’s like I wrote that myself. I just put it down to getting older & turning into my mother!

        • Pablo says:

          Mia,

          You took the words right out of my mouth… however the medical field hasn’t coined a medical term for that, yet…

          But rest assured as soon as they do you will be able to pick up a prescription at your local pharmacy. I’m guessing it will be marketed under names such as “Anti Mom” or maybe “INMM” which is an acronym for “I’m Not My Mother” ;)

  40. Ken says:

    Whats wrong…

  41. Pablo says:

    I do observe of the many posts here that people don’t seem to understand why they don’t have friends, I’m not saying there aren’t times when I question this myself but If I think about it and I’m honest with myself I can probably list a number of reasons why. I’m about middle aged and at this point in my life I really don’t want to change myself to accommodate or please other people just so they’ll like me, I think most of us did that when we were younger to fit in, we didn’t want to be left out, the loner or the one bullied – Yes, conform or be cast out!

    It’s a catch 22 – I sometimes attempt to be funny or amusing, yet I know people just see that as trying too hard to be liked, and on top of that as I age it seems my filter is being bypassed more often, yes I speak my mind and can be brutally honest (just like everyone else) but do appreciate it is a turn off(well unless someone is in total agreement with you and also doesnt fear what other think).

    Oddly I still find myself in a dilemma – I can just shut up, not try so hard to be liked and put a muzzle on my big mouth inner critic and maybe people will like me. Yet I also see this anti-social behavior (if thats what it is) as a form of friend filter – in that if someone accepts me as I am then thats a potential friend and if they dont then how much of a friend would they have been. Theres just one flaw in this filter thoery and that is it doesnt seem to be filtering out to many friends… Ok well absolutely none!

    Yup, lifes a bitch then you die!

    • cyan says:

      You’re funny Pablo! :) I remember that ‘filter’ was how I recognized a good friend in high school, and we are still friends today, though we live in different cities/provinces. It does work! Thanks for the reminder, and for highlighting how age/maturity changes what we want in our friendships. All best to you and everyone here!

  42. ana says:

    Sorry, I mean : ”I am NOT going to talk about that psychological ‘’self-analysis’’*

  43. Ana says:

    Dear Amanda,
    I have read your question and I must say you have a good point there. The question is: WHY is it so difficult nowadays to have true friends? I am sorry for all the experiences you have and I am going to talk about that psychological ‘’self-analysis’’ as there is no point in that because I do not believe there is something wrong with you or you did something wrong. I think the biggest problem is that unfortunately in our modern world where everyone is so busy with themselves and so self-centered very little is left for a true friendship. People simply became so materialistic. Good people and friends are hard to find. Moreover, Facebook and all those other social chat programs are ruining a true definition of the word ”friend” as it is so easy to sign in anywhere and get hundreds of online ”friends” you do not even know or who never actually care for you because online friendship is never taken seriously. Therefore, the word ”friend” has lost its true meaning and its purpose as we are losing our true standards and values. True friendship is two way street and both friends need to work on it by being there for each other but sadly nobody likes to make that effort anymore. No offence and no harm intended but all people need to do is to sign in to Facebook or any other online social chat program and they can easily just talk to online ‘’friends’’ without doing much- making any effort until they get bored by that. That becomes a big problem and nobody talks about it. I do wish you to find those who will take friendship seriously and hope my opinion will help you some. Please take care.
    Best wishes,
    Ana

    • Curlyq says:

      Even in the church you get so called friends that are not true friends because they leave you out and have cliques….it makes me just tired of it…like someone mentioned maybe we are too secure with ourselves that they don’t think we need to have a friend…I have come to realize I will be lonely but I have to focus on my family…they need me the most and also to remember Jesus is my true friend that will never shut me out or take advantage of me

    • Curlyq says:

      I am not on facebook but I feel I don’t exist because I am not on there. I am a workaholic with 5 kids so I don’t have time to be on but am wondering if that’s why I can’t get close to others and have friends? What do you think Ana, should I be on Facebook or like you write is it not true friendship anyway?
      thanks

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