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Ask the Friendship Doctor

Why would someone have no friends?

There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.


Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?



Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity – Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style – Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,

Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Comments (4,393)

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  1. Rae says:

    What is your name?
    Mine is Rae.
    Thank you for sharing from your heart.
    I feel for you. Have you come to a place of acceptance in your situation? It sounds like you have. I have a son. He is 23 and ADHD. He’s had a hard life with an abusive parent. He’s now addicted to many things & on probation for something that could be with him the rest of his life.
    I saw this because there is always hope even when we are hopeless. I was very depressed, alone & didn’t want to live anymore. But I went to saddleback church and found people who accepted me just as I am. It’s just a thought, but Rick Warren wrote a book called The Purpose Driven Life. I’m just reading it now & it’s helping me. He has videos online you can watch which I believe are very helpful. Even if you don’t believe in anything I encourage you to check it out. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
    Love you.

  2. Catharine says:

    I am 53, married, had many friends growing up. I noticed as I got older those friends were gone. I love to help people and I probably talk a little too much. However I am working on that. My husband works a lot so I fine myself a lone. It is much easier to find friends when you are single. You have no responsibility. My parents were socials and I really don’t care for that life style. Women gossip and I don’t like that either. It started when I was a child. My Mom was verbally and physically abuse to me growing up. I never had a mother figure so to say so I would bond with older women or teachers. When it was time to move on I felt abandoned just like I felt as a child with my Mom. I am very affectionate and that is because of my Daddy. I am more like him, bubbly, friendly and talkative. I can not stand prissy women or want to be type people. I am very humble and I feel I don’t have to prove anything. I just want a friend who has the same interests as me. I love fishing, 4 wheeling, dirt bike riding and the like. I have 2 brothers that I did a lot with as a child. I guess a Tomboy growing up. I had to learn how to dress, put on make up and all that on my own. I don’t like sitting around with women small talking so I end up leaving to be a lone. I am afraid to get to close to people in fear of being abandoned. However I have anxiety and depression and it is a horrible feeling. It is genetic so I was diagnosed later on in life. Never thought I was pretty but somehow that changed when I was getting attention from men. My mom called me the ugly duckling which hurt me a lot as teenager. I feel so a lone that is why I am sharing this story with you. I yearn for affection in women since I don’t know what it is like because of my mom’s lack of it. I had a teacher in high school and we have a close bond but know she is always too busy and I love her very much. Of course we both grew up but she still talks to me as her student. She loves me very much but she never wants to get together with me. So I think I need to move on but when I told her that she called in shock and did not want that. She doesn’t want to loose me as someone she really cares about. She is single and has many friends. . I think she doesn’t want to be that person to me when I was young but I don’t either. My best friend lives in Texas and she calls when she is coming to town. We have been friends since 3rd grade. We get together and laugh. Maybe I don’t know how to be friends with people as a older person. I don’t really know what to talk about so I stay quiet.

  3. Ellen says:

    Im in my mid 30s and I have dont have any friends. The only people who call me are work or collection agents or my abusive younger sister whom I room with and who usually only calls or texts me to yell at me for something I may no have done correct.

    I dont have a smart phone and tell people it is becasue I enjoy the old style flip phones but the truth is I dont need a smart phone so i can get calls from work, collection agent and my abusive sister. I dont go anywhere, I dont do anything. I go to work, grocery store and maybe the mall. I dont have the kind of packed social calendar that would necessitate a smart phone. Both of my parents are dead and i dont have any other family. I am completely and utterly alone.

    It did not use to be like this. In college and then grad school I had a packed social life. In college especially it was unheard of for me to be home Friday and Saturday nights. I have never been the popular person. I used to be bullied all through high school for various reasons, mostly for just being ugly, frizzy hair, crooked nose, huge glasses. I am petite and I remember people would always make fun of my height and boys would wait after school torough me up. When I complained to the teacher she said i should stop being such a victim and did not do anything about it.

    But I always had a small group of friends. In college things got much better and I had lots of friends. But as it is after you graduate ,they all moved to different parts of the country, never to be heard from again. The few i am in touch w/ and i use the term “touch” loosely, are just little tiny pics on facebook.

    No one ever calls me on my birthday and i always spend them alone watching Star Trek or something. No one gave a sh_t when my mom died and i needed a friend. In fact, one of them told me to go see a shrink and stop bothering her right after cancelling our plans to go to Europe (which she later did with her A list friends). When I confronted her about being hurt that she was not there for me when my mom died, she unfriended me on facebook and sent me a two line email saying she will never ever respond to my calls and emails again and that i should never contact her again. I begged her to explain to me why exactly she did this just becasue i was upset about my mom dying and needed a friend, but she never responded.

    No one ever goes out of their way for me. I am a nicer person. I am funny and kind and generous but it is never good enough. People get fed up with me after a while, no matter what I do. I have lowered my expectations a lot, i am not pushy or inconsiderate, rude or mean, whiny and annoying. I just dont get it. I am like a pariah and here i am in my mid/late 30s without a single friend. NOT A SINGLE FRIEND.

    Ever since I gradated grad school almost 7 years ago, I have felt alone. Friends are moved away, I am in a town where i dont know anyone, my co workers are all in their 50s and 60s.

    People just stop talking to me. Abruptly. We go from being good close friends to suddenly never getting a reply back on my emails and calls, no matter how much I BEG them to please at least explain to me WHY they are not talking to me anymore. Please JUST TELL ME SO I KNOW! I wont argue, i just want to know.

    They dont even give me that courtesy. They just cut me off and i have no clue why. And i never get a chance to make it up or fix whatever i did wrong, cause i never know why. No one ever tells me.

    I feel burnt out and that is one of the reasons I dont want to do stuff like Meet Up and go hiking with strangers. Most people, by the time they are in their 30s, have their friends lined up from college and before. No one ever makes good long lasting friendships in their late 30s and 40s. Everyone’s already got a best friend or good friend etc. And personally i am just so burnt out from people, and i’ll probably do something wrong again i dont know and be dissed, that i dont wanna bother meeting new people. What would be the point? I;ll probably pis$$ them off anyway, so why bother. Everyone’s left me, they will too.

    I could disappear tomorrow and the thing is, it would not make a shred of difference to anyone. There is no one who would miss me, or cry for me or even go to my funeral. Really, I always wonder if i got married or died, who would show up? NO ONE. Whether i exist or not, makes no difference to this world (and PLEASE NO GOD TALK).

    The only people noticing would be work cause im not showing up and creditors. Oh and the landlord, to collect his money. I guess my sister would note too, but mostly because then the 75% of the rent i pay is gone and she would have to move someplace else.

    I know there are people who are displaced, hungry, refugees, brutalized and i should be grateful for lots of things. But not having any friends, no one to share things with is hard. I have even sent out apology emails to older friends who dont talk to me anymore. I dont know what i did wrong, but i apologize to them still for what i may have done wrong. They never respond.

    I dont know what to do anymore and the thing is, I actually have resigned myself to it. I dont have someone who loves me, I have forgotten what it feels like for someone to hug me and being touched and feeling the warmth of another person. I havent had sex in 12 years. Im not attractive to men, physically or otherwise. In fact, I m completely invisible to men no matter how much i dress up or make myself pretty (well as pretty as someone like me can be).

    Im tired of dealing with peoples’ crap. I want friends, love and affection, a sense of being useful and appreciated just as much as the next person, but i am just not good at whatever one needs to do to get those things. And as much as i miss those things, I have accepted I wont hve them. I will probably never have sex again in my whole life, and certanly will never have a husband or kids p though i think i would make a kick a$$ mom.

    I really hope all you folks who have friends and family, spouses and partners and kids who love you and appreciate you, and who value you, really cherish what you got. Imagine for one second if all those things, people, were gone. That is me. It is ultimately about being valued. Because valued makes unhappiness bearable and happiness possible.

    • Norman says:

      I have exactly the same thing. I don’t know the solution. If I knew how to have friends I wouldn’t even be here reading your post.

    • Ely says:

      Dear Ellen,
      people are xxxx, they are bad they wronged you and they don’t deserve someone like you. I blame you for trying to make it out to them and writing apology letters. that was wrong. You have to accept this and be strong, you just haven’t met the right people yet and i hope that you will one day.
      Please Ellen stop blaming yourself or thinking that you have a problem and please try to be strong, be an asshole and rude to them. I believe that the moment you stop needing them, they will come to you. Get busy with things other than work, do things that matter, get a dog, travel the world do as many things as you can go to different places maybe there you’ll meet better and nicer people please don’t be unhappy and give up. it is easier for you to just pack your things and go !! sorry for my English..

      Comment edited for profanity. Please watch your words on this blog. Thanks!

    • Catharine says:

      Ellen why don’t you find another place to live. I can feel the stress in your words. Why are you paying 75% of the rent. I don’t have any friends that call but we Facebook a lot. It is not the same, technology has taken the personal place. My husband told me I should text more often instead of calling people. It just doesn’t feel right. I found that since I am older I really don’t know what to talk about anymore. I don’t feel a part of anything. I feel empty.

    • eric says:

      Ellen I totally get what you are saying. I am in the same boat. I have a lot of fair weather friends who abandoned me when my life got tuff. My family well they don’t bother with me unless they need something. I lost most of my close friends due to a controlling ex. I agree it’s tough to start over in your late thirties early forties. I like you am having a hard time making close friends I just wanted you to know you are not alone

    • Chelsea says:

      HI Ellen, I am in my late 30s and single. And no friends! Thanks much for sharing your story. Recently I finally accepted the fact that I have NO one single friend. Not even one single person––someone who I can call up or have a lunch with over the weekend, even once a month, or once every other month. Yup. that’s my expectation. Is this too much? Due mostly to my frequent international moves for the past several years, I’ve lost all friends. I see no REAL friends now. Hah. It took me quite a while to accept this painful fact—because when young I thought this would be my story.

      Having no friends is a big problem. But the bigger problem is that I found myself developing bitterness towards some people–– few precious human beings who think they are being friends to me, but actually not. Here comes the story: One day at my church group which I’ve been to for the past several months, I shared my prayer request, ”I have no close friends here in this city; please pray for me that I can meet some good friends.” And all of sudden, six or seven girls in the group (for the prayer part, we had a gender split) sprung out of their chairs and shouted, “We all are your friends!” Then I was almost about to say “What?? No. You’re just saying it, because it makes you feel good. But you do never want to do the stuff “friends would do together.” Of course, I didn’t speak it out.

      It’s really hard to get in the already set-up and closed cycles, especially the female groups. I had tried to make friendships with them to no avail—I sometimes texted some girls and asked for catch-ups. All refused or forgotten over various reasons. Of course, they “said” that they would love to catch up, but they never did, because they did not want to bother. And I know that they’ll never do. I may be leaving the group sooner than later. But this issue seems to be found all over the places, not just exclusively to my current group. Dating someone is the thing I’d mostly want to do, honestly. But, that’s not easy at all, either. I don’t know what to do, honestly. At the very least, though, knowing that I am not alone is a great relief. I just do what I can do—working, cleaning, reading, taking care of myself, and knocking on another door in a different church. God knows my heart and I put my trust in Him. What else can I do now? This is tough, indeed. So tough. I don’t have any good answer for you, Ellen, but I want to tell you that we, single females, should love ourselves and stay strong and confident. You’re not alone.

    • Lee says:

      You should move on your own. Your sister sounds like a bad person to be around and it’s not helping you feel good about your self.

    • suzy says:

      Ellen, I really felt for you when I read your story. I have felt much of what you have felt. I dont have a good relationship with family and felt pretty much alone in life. I felt the same about my death and even wondered if I would be found, alone rotting in my flat, with only the smell highlighting my death to neighbours. Maybe I will be there for weeks, months. Who knows. I am now lucky enough to have a partner who has in many ways ‘rescued me’. Anyway, what I wanted to say to you is You ARE a good person. Please dont let the bad behaviour of these people destroy your soul. When you have a poor family or no family, friendships can become all important and sometimes you can place alot of expectation in them. I used to be the same I had high expectations of my friends. I would become upset if they werent the ones to contact me or they didnt call enough or they let me down in some way. It used to really upset me. Unfortunately, In life I feel that real friends are VERY hard to come by. People are inherently quite selfish, and if you are not adding something to their life they dont want to know. I wish I could tell you something different but this is my conclusion. Also, if you are asking people why dont you contact me, what have I done wrong etc, – people generally see that as desperation and people dont like desperation. These people will then label you a “weirdo” and treat you like a social leopar. If people dont treat you well in a new friendship, maybe simply THEY are not worthy of your friendship. IM SURE ITS NOT ALWAYS YOU. Walk away from these people. The world is full of people. There will be ones that do deserve you. You just havent found these friends. I found my partner in my 40s. I still dont have any real friends, in fact I would go so far as to say I have trust issues now. People now have to prove to me they are worthy of my friendship. I dont invest any of myself in trying. I gave up. Sad I know. I just wanted to say to you why dont you try the dating sites or the friendship sites, at least you are meeting people who genuinally want to meet people. You might meet a partner. You need a confidence boost, remember if you dont love yourself no one else will. I know its hard. You have to try and break this cycle you are in. Please take care.

    • Melissa says:

      Wow, I definitely feel for you. And you will not get any God talk from me as I am not into it.
      I was never a social type person myself, but had made friends when I moved away after high school. I mean, I did have a few girls I hung out with in HS but nothing that close.
      Needless to say, I feel your pain. I am in that age group you said you work with, but let me say, when I was your age, I spent most of my time with others. It wasn’t until my early 40’s that I started to notice that I had no one. I still have my father (who none of us; my two sisters and I) are very close with. My mother was the glue to our family and we just lost her a year and a half ago. She was my best and only friend I had these last 13 years and when she died, I felt as if the rug was pulled out from under me.
      Now, I get the same kind of calls…collection people, a once in a while call from my older sister who has a life. My younger sister and I are not that close, even though she lives 25 minutes away from me.
      Anyway, I am in the same boat as you are. I am not working b/c I ended up on permanent disability (two very messed up knees that have been repaired, but still are not right) and that has only compounded my loneliness issue and no friends, b/c I did have work friends before and now, no one. I have a smart phone..not sure why as I rarely hear it ring. It fills your heart with such pain and emptiness at times. I get it. You wonder if anyone would even miss you if you were suddenly gone. I too have wondered who, if anyone, would even care if i was not here. It stinks feeling that way. Friends were very important to me and yes, i do have one that I too, loosely call my best friend. She and I were inseparable when we both lived up in Connecticut, but in 2002, we both ended up moving away from there. She went to MD and I am in WV. I grew up here and am now in my old hometown. This place is beyond intolerable. Nothing to do, nowhere to go and even if they did have places to go, I have no one to go with. Again, I get exactly what you are saying!So, she and I share a text or two or FB message here and there, but she has a new group of people who are there and it just seems to be that the old saying that says, “Out of sight, Out of mind” does fit. I have approached her on it, but didn’t want to push b/c just b/c I have become what i am here, doesn’t mean it is her fault.I have created this mess. I have slowly but surely isolated myself here. Maybe it’s a combination of hating (I mean…HATING) being here again (I lived away for 30 years!), being sad b/c I lost my mom (which came way later, but I depended on her so much), losing hope of having a life again. So, I guess I come off sounding miserable. I spend most days trying to find anything I can to busy myself to distract me from my life. It has to get better I keep saying. I know it is up to me to “fix” this mess I created, but how???
      Anyway, I definitely feel your pain and get it. Yes, I am older like your coworkers, but I am still able to feel and think and understand.
      Write back if you like…I will listen and try to help you if I can. They always say that one person’s problems will distract you from yours…I hope I can too…

    • MsMeow says:

      Ellen, you break my heart! I cried when I read your post and it messed up my contact lens (at work) and had to get up to go and fix it.

      Much of what you describe, I have felt and DO feel, to some degree. I have a boyfriend and a few friends, but we are in loose touch mostly. I’m an only child. I’m not close with my dad. If my boyfriend or my mom were to not be around (god forbid) I don’t know who I’d turn to. I never kept friendships for years, they’ve always drifted for various reasons and I feel like I don’t do friendship “correctly.”

      I know you feel hopeless, but I would urge you to keep trying. Find out what inspires you, whether it’s writing, painting, travelling, crafting, volunteering–anything! Take some of the pressure off of yourself and try to just enjoy things on your own terms. I would recommend watching some of Kandee Johnson’s videos on YT, she’s a makeup guru but has a really positive and loving message. You’re more special than you know and deserve to be loved by others but first you must love yourself. <3

      If you need to vent please feel free to email me! *Hugs*

  4. JC says:

    I was an only child. I have never had any friends either at school, college or university. No girl has ever kissed me. No-one has ever loved me. I have never loved anyone. I have never had intimate relationships with girls/women. I will die alone, and no-one will mourn me, no-one will even noticed I’m gone, but at least I will never cause anyone any suffering due to my death.

  5. mplo says:

    As a woman with a history of developmental problems (I’m not mentally retarded, however.), I, too, have had difficulty forming friendships, as well as learning things, communicating, socializing and processing information.

    I have a number of interests that satisfy me, that I engage in regularly, plus a career that I really like a lot, but as someone who has lacked social skills from day one, friendships have not been easy for me, and most “normal” people want little, if anything to do with me. Although they don’t verbalize it, I can sense it.

    Many years ago, I went on a six-week trip to Europe with a group of people ranging in age from their late teens through their early twenties that had been advertised as a “therapeutic program for children and young adults with learning disabilities.” As it turned out, however, the vast majority of the people had extremely severe developmental problems that far surpassed my own, and were either mentally retarded or borderline retarded. One girl, in particular, who’d go around hitting and touching people inappropriately, was a person that I especially disliked, and, admittedly, I made it clear (to a great extent) how I felt about her, getting me (and my parents) a bad write-up from the counselors, who were not that much older than we were (which I think was a big part of the problem.). (I have to admit, however, that, had this kind of thing with that particularly bothersome girl happened today, I’d more than likely give her a slap and bark a loud “NO!” at her, but that’s hindsight.). I later found out that she took small amounts of the tranquilizer Thorazine (a strong tranquilizer that’s often admitted in psychiatric settings/institutes), and thought “My god…I’d hate to think how this girl would be without thorazine.”

    I formed afew friendships on this particular trip, all of which were short-lived and not meant to last, but, with the exception of a couple of the people I formed friendships with, and even saw during the year, Even the other people in this particular group that I did become friends with turned out to be people that I really didn’t care for or want around. It was depressing, because although I’d had many wonderful summers in places for neurotypical kids, I never could form those same kind of friendships. It was upsetting for me to think I could only form any kind of “normal” friendships with people that I really didn’t care for, and it carried over for the next couple of years, even though I’d gone on with my life after that particular summer.

    I went to school to learn to be a silversmith, and on some other trips for neurotypical people thereafter, which I enjoyed, despite not forming close relationships with any of the people, but that’s now it was destined to be.

    I realized one thing, however: Since Chapter 766 had not yet come into existence during the 1950’s and the 1960’s, when I was growing up, I was mainstreamed all my life. Had Chapter 766 been in existence back then, however, I probably would’ve been in those kinds of programs (i. e. schools, summer camps) during my childhood, rendering my childhood even suckier than it was.

    Afew years after that summer, however, I enrolled in a Martial Arts course, which I discovered that I really, really liked, despite its being kind of rough-and-tumble, which helped lift away a good bit of the depression I’d been feeling after that particularly disastrous summer. I took it for a number of years, making a lot of progress, and the sensei who taught the course was a strict, tough and no-nonsense, but kindly guy, and he saw that I had potential. Although he passed away about ten years ago, I still remember, with sad fondness, the memories of his teaching, his tough but tender manner, and the camaradarie that existed in the class, which I miss, even today.
    Although it took me a long time to realize this, I did learn somethings about myself from that particularly unpleasant summer: (A) That finding a niche for myself in life (which I did with the help of my family), and finding things that piqued my interest was important. (B) That time spent alone is far, far preferable to time spent with people that I really don’t like and/or cannot connect with.

  6. EG says:

    I have no friends

    Made myself alone without realizing it

    I live in alone in the music

  7. Florence says:

    Thank you Irene,I know,it is the reason I didn’t put any of my details,I knew you will tell me what to do.Yes I want to befriend my younger sister.Thank you once more Irene.:)

  8. Florence says:

    Hi Holly,please don’t feel bad about the way you look & why do you say all that about yourself? I think some people do not appreciate the inner beauty of a person…I do not understand why people look for outside appearance to befriend someone…Would like to be my friend? Please accept me & I would be very happy to have you.:) Keep smiling life is too short.:)

  9. Rae says:

    I understand that this world and people judge on outward appearances. But God loves you just the way you are. Sometimes we blame God for making for our issues and the way we are but life here on earth is only temporary even though it feels like it last a long time. Eternity is forever and God has a place of love for you if you chose to believe Him. Your inner person is what matters most even if it doesn’t feel like it now. Be beautiful on the inside and no matter what happens here on earth just know you are loved forever just the way you are

  10. Holly says:

    I’m an extremely ugly 28 year old woman. So ugly that most people mistake me for a man or a transgender. And yes, I put effort into my appearance and don’t dress like a guy in baggy clothes. It’s all bone structure. Anyways, because of this I’ve never really had friends. I’ve had two on two separate occasions. One in 8th grade and one in 10th grade. I don’t think either one of them got to the six month mark. In both cases the other students in school would bully them for being seen with me, and their other friends would try to convince them to stop hanging out with me because I’m ugly. Their friends would also make fun of the way I look whenever we happened to be hanging out with my friend at the same time. Eventually they both took the advice of their other friends and stopped being friends with me. 10th grade was the last time I’ve had a friend. Experienced nothing but harassment since. I wish I could meet another ugly woman and be friends with her, but I’ve never even seen another ugly woman.

    • Sian says:

      Hi Holly

      I am sorry you feel this way and what you’ve had to go through but if people harass you over your looks, then they are not worthy to be a friend to you, period. They are harbouring bad traits themselves.

      We all deserve to be happy in this life, try not to see yourself as ugly, you are unique and beautiful in your own way. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colours. Ass***** comes in all shapes, sizes and colours also 🙂

  11. Maria says:

    I can’t remember ever having close friends. My sister is the only woman I really talk to on a regular basis. I struggle to find things in common with most women I meet. I’m not married and don’t have kids, I wear makeup and look quite feminine, but have zero interest in ‘girly stuff’ and I think people are a bit disappointed when they talk to me. I like technology, investment, computer programming, cars and gaming. I’m told I can be too honest, which either makes people laugh or confuses them. I can also go days/weeks focused on just one thing and forget basic tasks like eating properly or socialising, so I don’t think I make a good friend for most people. I got on well with one of the engineers at my last job who was a male version of me, but his new girlfriend thought I wanted to sleep with him so we stopped hanging out. It’s so difficult to make new friends.

    • Ellie says:

      Maria, I can so relate! I actually smiled reading part of your post because I don’t do girly stuff either but I’m quite feminine looks wise too. I’ve always gotten better with men than women, mainly because I never found women I could be friends with who weren’t competitive, critical and gossipy out of insecurity. I have some key interests like you but, none of the run of the mill stuff a lot of women expect of me e.g. shopping (which I abhorre!). I’ve had several male friends but, each one I’ve had to stop hanging out with them for the same reasons you’ve said: the girlfriends got the wrong idea (insecurity again, because I was not interested in them in that way). It’s sad to lose friends for that reason but, I know some women can’t get passed the idea of platonic friendships between men and women. I also spend days not being in any sort of fixed routine with my activities and like to bury my nose in a good science book (e.g. physics) and stay in the house for weeks and not want to go out. When I do go out, I’m ready to be social but, too many people I’ve met had a very inflexible attitude and assumed it meant I’m not interested in meeting up with them if I don’t do it every week religiously. I’m also very honest. I dont fake anything or do small talk, although I’m not intolerant of other people doing and will listen to let people find their own ways to oil the wheels to get in to deeper conversations. What I took from your post is that I’m not a typical woman, I’m not a typical anything. I don’t fit a mold and that unnerves some people. With others I think they’re a bit jealous tbh. I’ve had male friends who’ve noticed it from women. It’s rare the men are jealous. I don’t not conform because I’m making a point and being a maverick, I’m just authentically me and that’s a problem for some people. I don’t have a problem being me, though just like I don’t have a problem with them being them.

  12. Mr M says:

    I’v got people I talk to sometimes, but most of the time i’d rather be alone. I just don’t want to do anything with them up to weeks at a time. I have a phone, but no numbers of any friends on them. I just haven’t met anyone that i’d want to hang out with anything more than occasionally.

    • Sian says:

      Hi all,

      I am 28 and I haven’t had any friends since I was in highs cool, it was a small close group but life being life, people went in different directions, connections got lost.

      I went to college but the people there wasn’t very nice and I got the feeling they didn’t want me around. Somehow I made it though and finished the course but it was a miserable time, I never heard from them again.

      I found a job not long after and I felt happy, while these didn’t turn into outside friendships, the people was nice to me, I felt I belonged somewhere and we had some laughs but moving jobs this also came to a end.

      During this time I met a nice man, who I met through his mother who worked at this place with me. He was like me introverted, he played mmos at the time that is a online gaming experience where people come together all over the world to battle quests in a virtual world. I loved it, my new escape from reality. I didn’t need friends since I had them online.

      We spent all our waking days consumed in them and fast forward 6 years later our relationship of course suffered for it but this one day he decided enough was enough of no money and no real life. Today this person is a owner of his own business, has money and just got engaged, (not to me) He decided he was going nowhere with me and it was time for me to go.

      I always saw him as my lover but also best friend because I had no friends so it was a double blow. I moved out back into the family home in this rural going nowhere ghost town but I am grateful I have shelter and food.

      Now I am in that position of gaming doesn’t fill that void anymore of what it once was to me whether that’s cause he’s now left me or I don’t know but now, I have so much time. I go out to work but I work weekends a lot plus some time in the week and most people have weekends off.

      I’d love to go out to the cinema and share some nachos with someone. Go to concerts, go camping, visit water parks and go on my first trip abroad but I have no one to ask and no one who knows me enough to want to and to enjoy my company. I have no one and my phone lays silent.

      I don’t drive and I am scared to because I find it hard to learn things in general, others find a breeze, which makes me so upset.

      I have trust issues for being left in the past but I know I haven’t helped my situation with living in the virtual world. I guess I don’t know my way out. I just want to be happy again.

      Thanks for anyone out there who has read this, keep safe 🙂

      • Rae says:

        Thank you for being so open and honest. I escaped into the online gaming world too. My son, 22, is still there. It’s a good thing to have connections to others but, like you said, eventually people move on or grow up or grow outta that phase. I let the online world go. I want to live in the real world even though it’s hard and sometimes it just plain sucks.
        Not driving must really limit your ability to do things. Perhaps pursue getting a license if that’s what you meant by not driving.
        My advice is to take small steps to get out and do something you like to do.
        Small steps lead forward.
        The past may be painful but it’s past. You’re going forward one step at a time.

  13. Kate says:

    Hi everyone,
    I can relate to so many of these posts. I went through most of my life with no one I would call a ‘friend’ (lots of acquaintances, but no one who seemed to actually seek me out). Five years ago, I found my best friend online. We instantly hit it off. I’ve never felt closer to a friend and she felt the same.

    Slowly, over many years, our friendship grew toxic. At the very beginning of our friendship, I was going through some struggles in my marriage, and I developed a crush on her. It was then that I knew I wasn’t 100 percent straight. After awhile, the feelings changed to basically a strong connection emotionally to a person I held above all others as a ‘best friend’. We met in person a couple of times in the past year and I thought things went well. She had some anxiety problems, so I kept my distance from her (we aren’t the huggy, giddy types). But resentment must have been building on her end for quite some time. After our last meeting in real life together, she e-mailed me about the way I acted that bothered her. She blew up her assumptions about me into meaning I still had a romantic feeling for her and that I was planning to cheat on my husband with her in the future. I told her that was not ever my plan, but she didn’t believe me. She told me that my responses to her had been evasive and that she would be finished with our friendship if I sent her back a message that didn’t directly acknowledge her accusations against me (that is to say, acknowledge them in a way that agreed with her).

    So, like an idiot, I put myself down and admitted that while there was a grain of truth to her comments (at least at the very beginning of our friendship) that they didn’t still hold true for me now. I admitted I probably had poor boundaries and maybe used people without realizing it to feel better about myself. I told her I was going to get therapy. She told me that I was smart enough to manipulate the therapist if I chose to do so, and that it wouldn’t do me any good in addressing my issues if I wasn’t completely honest with the therapist. She also told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to be my friend anymore.

    Now, we barely speak and we used to take at length every day. Meanwhile, I feel like a fool for being a kind, generous person who made the mistake for feeling a strong emotional connection for my best friend. Now, I’m going to keep things light, lower my expectations, and not talk about my thoughts and feelings with her or other potential friends at all. The last thing I expected from my best friend was for her to make accusations like this about me and my intentions toward her, and then to not believe me when I expressed my view of things, but to further heap on accusations. What ‘friend’ seems to enjoy telling you everything they dislike about you? What ‘friend’ doesn’t care to acknowledge your response, or give you a chance to clarify your intentions? I think she was probably tired of the friendship long before this, and was looking for a way out.

    Despite the horrible way it ended, my best friend and I had a true connection (I think she would also acknowledge this) and a lot of fun times. We had so much in common and similar values. It takes a long time to build up a true friendship. I don’t know if I have the heart to put myself through something like this again, if this is the outcome. In addition to feeling lonely, I feel like I don’t deserve friendship.

    • Jenna says:

      Kate, I had something extraordinarily similar happen to me. My best friend of 20 years told me that I was ” unhappy” and that I try to deceive others into thinking that I’m fine. I sent her several messages explaining why her accusation was false and that she had no right to define my emotions for me. I asked her to apologize. She insisted that i needed to seek a therapist and continued to stonewall me when I explained that I had nothing against the idea of seeing a therapist, but truthfully had nothing to discuss. I talk to her mother and find out that my friend is actually extraordinarily miserable with her own life and I suspect she is projecting this onto me. Anyway, at one point she said that she is unable to be the kind of friend I wanted her to be, or that she couldn’t be a good friend to me. I was so confused, I still don’t really understand what happened. After thinking about it for a while I’ve accepted that maybe she had romantic feelings for me and was upset when she finally accepted that I didn’t reciprocate them.

    • Pablo says:

      Hi Kate, I’ve experienced a lot of what I’ve read here and realising I only have control over what I do, I began to look inward to see what I was doing wrong. Friendships are mean to be easy. I also began to dissect “friendships” and how the bond comes about. So I read, and observed. This is what I discovered, we are attracted to people who have qualities in themselves that we would like to see in ourselves, these can be physical as well as mental. Then you’ve found an acquaintance. If the same is reciprocated then you’ve found a friend. Then we begin to mimick these quantities and vide versa. But friendships seem harder as an adult and I think that’s mainly for 2 reasons. 1, as an adult most have their social circle set and by and large aren’t subconsciously looking. 2, as adults we have less tolerance for bad character traits.
      I believe that friendships are formed, not because of similarities but in spite of the differences. You see it more readily in younger situations, for example, in school. Your pretty much stuck with a group of people some that you like some that you don’t. Over time you begin to like those that you didn’t because you had to put up with them to stay with the ones you liked, and through that time was able to see past your initial dislikes. Same too with jobs, back in the day you would be stuck with a group of people and form unlikely friendships in spite of your differences.
      So how has this helped me?
      1, my expectations are lighter.
      2, I’m not emotionally destroyed (as I used to be)
      3, acquaintances aren’t a bad thing on the road to friendship.
      4, helped me to understand, more so why my efforts to form friendships as an adult are so much harder.

      My advise to you:-
      1, don’t try outside your character. Eg. If you do for others, keep doing. If you do for others to build friendships, don’t. Remember that others will see something in you they would like to see in themselves. Keep an open mind when people gravitate to you. You might not gravitate to them initially but give it a chance you just might in spite of your differences.

      2, put yourself out there it’s a numbers game. But don’t go out into situations you might not frequent again. If you do find someone you might not see them enough for anything to build.

      3, don’t try, it’s chemistry. And we are all animals and can instinctually smell desperation. Put yourself out there, not with the intention of making friends but enjoying your life (for those that say they don’t feel like going out because their sad, I say , do something you like and the emotion will come)
      and others will gravitate to you. Be aware though, be open to see those opportunities.

      Good luck. Like everything else we do in life, this is no different and it takes practice.

      • Velvet says:

        I think this reply is well said and I could not agree more. You actually made me think a little about myself and what I am looking for and the things that I want, and don’t want to do. I have never thought of some of the things that you had noted here. My belief is that I think that we as lonely people, do try too hard at times. It’s like looking for a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend that you want to spend the rest of your life with. To me, it should come naturally. Sure you have to want to make things work. Just do not try too hard or it will come off as clingy and creepy. Unfortunately, I am great at telling others what I feel that they should do but do not take my own advice when they ask me. I have several long distance friends who say that I have a lot of wisdom and knowledge when it comes to this stuff. If they only knew. I do not practice what I preach because I’m too afraid to get out there and meet people. Therefore, I go to work and stay home. I used to not get bothered by this as I had never been alone before. I’ve always had someone in my life until about 6 years ago. I left after 13 years due to our age difference. Him and I are still dear friends and always will be. All as we have is each other now though. He is lonely and so am I. There are things that him and I cannot fulfill in each other that a friend who is a girl or a man friend for him as he is getting close to 70 years old can fulfill. Sometimes you just need a good friend to do things with. They are so unbelievably difficult to find after school. I am thinking about attending some AA meetings. Places and doing things that I would like where I can find people who have similar interests and/or issues in life. As we get older, I have found that a lot of people go through different issues that we did not go through when we were younger. I think that too also makes it a bit more difficult to find and keep friends as well. Good luck to all of you! I truly understand how you feel and can relate to all of the posts and replies on here. I’m glad that I found this website. Thank you so much for your input, Pablo. Makes perfect sense.

      • Flinn says:

        This makes so much sense.Thank you Pablo! 🙂

  14. FlorenceM Kays says:

    Hi Rae,I don’t understand the meaning of these you have written to me.I mean,I’m one person who speaks what I have seen & I have a sober mind all my life,but I have failed to understand your mind…Please explain to me the meaning,I will appreciate you.Thank you. 🙂

  15. Teri says:

    Hello Everyone…

    I didn’t know there were threads like this, so I’m glad I stumbled across it. I can relate with so many of your stories. Since I moved with my husband to the town where he grew up (it’s been 16 years), I have had only a couple of brief friendships. Now, I don’t have any friends anymore. Slowly, even my friendships from my home state have also disintegrated. Even my relationships with family. I feel one of the reasons for this is before we moved, I made the mistake of telling one of my aunts that my father had touched me inappropriately. I told her it was okay if she told one of my other aunts because I felt really close to her and she and my uncle always seemed like they cared about me. I felt I needed to tell them because they could see the animosity I had toward my father, and for some reason, I didn’t want them to think it was for no reason. After that, however, I have felt like they turned their backs on me. They would be really nice one minute, then say hurtful things the next. And, now my other aunts and uncles are the same. It hurts me very much, so now I rarely speak to anyone. I have built a wall around myself and can’t seem to let anyone in. People have tried to be my friend, but I just can’t seem to get close to anyone. And, now no one tries. I feel I am a kind and caring person, but I think people sense an intensity about me or something, and that puts them off. So, I have basically accepted the fact that I don’t/won’t have friends. I get very depressed sometimes especially now that even my kids are at an age where they don’t want anything to do with their mom anymore even though I love them both so much. My husband also is always working and never wants to do anything, so this is just a very lonely and hard time for me. I am always going over and over things I said that may have made my family not like me anymore, and sometimes I just wish I were gone, though I would never commit suicide because I know it would hurt my children and probably affect them for the rest of their lives and I just can’t do that to them. Anyway, it’s a hard night for me, so I guess I just felt I needed to tell someone since I don’t really have anyone I can talk to. Thanks for listening.

    • Rae says:

      Hi Teri,

      I feel for you. It sounds like your relatives don’t know how to deal with what you told them. That subject probably stirred up lots of emotions and thoughts. They may not be capable or willing to accept the truth. A lot or people would rather go on living in denial. That way they don’t have to feel those feelings.
      I see you said it was a mistake. It may feel like a mistake because of what you are going through. Separation is never easy. You were honest & that is commendable. What you discovered is that your relatives were not, and perhaps are not sympathetic to you. I’m sorry for that, you deserve sympathy & understanding. Stuffing our feelings isn’t healthy. But what you learned is that some people are not safe to open up to. Celebrate Recovery is a support system when you can find safe people to share with. If that is something you need or desire.

      I get depressed too. My 3 kids are all doing their own thing too. Haven’t seen my 18 yr old daughter in months. It hurts.
      I too have had feelings that I wish I were gone, but like yourself, I would not do it. What we want is for the pain to stop, not for our life to end. There’s a famous Pastor who says “Revealing your feelings is the beginning of healing.”.
      So you took a healing step by writing what you did. Bravo.

      There’s a book by Dr. mike Marino on Anxiety & Depression. He talks about ruminating on things we wish we had said or had not said. He says its not helpful to do that. I know it’s hard, because it’s hard for me too.

      There’s a saying I like that sometimes helps me. It says “DON’T LOOK BACK, YOU’RE NOT HEADED THAT WAY.”.
      It’s good to learn from the past but the past is just that, it’s past. It’s not today. When I relive my past mistakes in my head I am bringing the past back to life, bringing those feelings back. All things in the past aren’t bad. I wish I would chose to remember the good things more.

      You sound really smart. I hope we both can get past this present sadness.


      • Teri says:

        Thank you, Rae, for your post, and for all the helpful things you said. I am sorry that you are going through something similar. Life really can be so difficult sometimes. It is really nice, though, that we can get together on a message board like this and “talk” with others and know that we aren’t alone in our feelings and in what we are going through. You are the one who sounds smart, and so insightful, and I never thought about people being safe or not safe to open up to, but you are right. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to anyone in person again, but the anonymity of a blog is nice. I have always thought how much better things would be if I had never said anything to my aunt. I would still have my family. But, that is the past now and can’t be changed.

        I am so sorry that you haven’t had communication with your daughter. I can only image how much that hurts. I don’t think our children realize the depth of our love for them. I can only hope that as they become adults and have children of their own and experience that kind of love themselves, they will begin to understand. You would do anything for them. And want so much for their lives to be happy and fulfilling.and that they will find love. I don’t know the circumstances of your daughter’s estrangement from you (maybe it’s drugs or something from her childhood), but I tend to believe that she will and probably does miss you, but maybe pride or something similar is keeping her from reaching out. I always find writing preferable to talking, as it gives me a little more time to get what I want to say right. You’ve probably already done that, but thought I’d mention just in case. Tell yourself you’ll think about all those things another day, and hopefully you can get a good night sleep tonight.

        • Michael says:

          Hi Teri. I’m sorry your aunts and uncles weren’t supportive when you told them about your reasons for having animosity with your father. This might not be true because I don’t know, but from your post it sounds like your aunts and uncles aren’t happy with their own lives. Happy people don’t really want to hurt others. It reduces their own happiness.

          I have been through some similar things with my own family, and I find it hard to be close with everyone but my father. He is the supportive one for me. But I have my own things to work on and it’s hard for me to talk with him because I don’t want to drag him down into my problems.

          It’s not your fault that the people around you weren’t supportive when you opened up to them. Just know that there are different ways of coping with pain, and some ways might involve hurting other people.

          There are supportive people out there, though. I think of myself as supportive, but I don’t really have many people around to get feedback from. I might be really jaded and toxic because of how others have treated me. But I know I’d enjoy being a supportive person in a group of supportive friends.

          Don’t give up on looking for those people. If you find them, I’m sure it will be worth it. You might have to go through some more toxic people before you get there but if you stay focused on this goal I know you can do it.

          I hope I can, too. Well, I’m young ish, and I could really use the positive experience.

    • Jan says:

      Hello Terri. I read your post and it made me sad. I don’t have the same story but I can relate to not having friends. My children are all grown with kids of their own. I come from large family that moved a lot because dad was in Navy. Friends were hard to make. And keep. I’m 59 yrs old and I cannot understand why it’s so hard for me to make friends. I meet people at church & work. But nobody wants to know me. I’m a nice person. I will do anything for anybody. I’m the type of person that will drive 2 hours to see someone who wouldn’t walk across the street to see me. I have never been able to understand it. Maybe the Internet is the only way friendships can be developed anymore. It’s sad. I live a very lonely life also. You have a friend in Kansas if you want it. Jan

  16. FlorenceM Kays says:

    People please stop worrying so much…Sometimes friends just bring more problems.I have heard many people complaining about what friends have done to them,I’m not saying you stop having friends,but to those that have no friends like me it is better to be than worrying so much,it is not healthy.Imagine I’m 41 years old,single,no friends since I was a child & up to now I can’t find a friend,the time I tried to,I chose wrongly,she gave me hell,since then I have lived a life alone.I met a man I thought may be he would be everything to me,what did I get myself into…a bloody thief!!! Who almost scammed me,but he didn’t manage because I was 10 steps ahead of him…So be careful on how you choose friends.I may want a friend,but I don’t know who to trust because everyone is a problem these days & it is not easy to find trusted ones.I’m a christian & I talk to different congregants but still I can’t pick any even now…may be it is because I’m shy & scared.I have lived alone,but I’m happy,I always keep myself busy.I know time will come when I would find a good friend,so with no friends don’t feel bad just keep praying & move on,everything has got its time.Stay safe & be blessed all of you!!!

    • Rae says:

      Hey Florence,

      You are right! Just stop it.
      Stop the worrying.
      Stop the addictions.
      Stop drinking too much.
      Stop lying.
      Stop thinking unproductive thoughts.
      Stop the corruption.
      Stop overspending.
      Yes, if we could all just stop doing things that aren’t helpful to ourselves or others.
      Ill give you some free advice for any problem you have. “Stop it.”

      You are right that worry is toxic. Often times we don’t realize we are doing it.
      Just stop it doesn’t always work.
      Hope it works for you.
      Be blessed!

      Or rather… Be a blessing… Sometimes by just listening & caring.

  17. Gina Rineheart says:

    Why don’t friendless people just buy more friends?

  18. SophiaClaire says:

    I had a best friend who was very close, and she was the first person who i felt like i loved.(not in a lesbian way). Recently, i shifted countries,and now i dont feel happy with others. i dont feel like im having enough fun compared to my times with my friend, and even though i chat with her, i feel lonley. but all the people around me and new friends dont seem like people who i can connect with, and i feel really unhappy.
    also,i have only a small group of friends, since i am new to this country and its ways. i feel scared to open up, because i did that once with people before and was shunned. people talked behind my back and my only friends turned out to be fake. i also have a non-supporting family, my mom being strict and my dad being carefree. my only comfort is music ,books. i dont feel like getting a job too. i always stay in my room and come out only when my friends drag me out.
    im 18, and i dont feel like doing any socialising. i hardly ever go to parties.

    • Rae says:

      Hello Sophia.
      It sounds like you are going through a transition. Changing countries is a BIG deal and can be very challenging as in many ways you are starting over. Starting over in a new place takes time.
      You are very young which is cool! Starting over at age 50, like me, is much harder.
      You sound very smart. Try not to let hep others treat you or don’t treat you affect the way you see yourself. Believe that you are a likeable person and people will eventually see that you like yourself, and they will like you too.
      I know it’s easy to stay in your room but it’s not good for you for very long. Try to find something you like and go do that. Maybe it’s just taking a walk and having some coffee. Or maybe it’s watching the sunset or picking a flower and seeing it’s beauty.
      Sometimes if we smile at someone and they smile back it helps us feel better. It’s the little things that matter.
      I know it can be hard but taking small baby steps can get you moving and once you are moving things can happen.
      Just trying to help.
      I think you are cool.
      Other will too eventually.
      Don’t give up.
      I gave up… It didn’t work.
      So I started over again, and now I feel better. One day at a time.

  19. BridgetMarie says:

    I went and joined lots of groups. One by one I dropped out due to other’s snide remarks or meaness. I like board games. I joined one that was local. They said all are welcome. When I sat down with the group I was told to go sit with the 8 yr olds.

    I joined a scrabble group. Haven’t played that since I was a kid. This woman couldn’t stand to not win. One time when I was ahead,she gave some excuse that she added wrong, so the game was no win. When she won, she would say ” I beat you again!” I decided that I did not want to deal with her. When the moderator of the game shows up to check on how things are going, she reverts to a 5 yr old with the moderator. When we are alone, she is a shark and wants to win no matter what.

    I joined another group. They were fun, into science fiction and “geeky” things. I was one of the first 5 to join up. As one of the leaders said…. The other old prson left, now it’s just you.” He ridiculed me, made fun. Je was 30 if that.The last straw was him saying I needed a chain around my neck.

    One group was a local walking grop. I enjoyed them, had fun walking. They decided to take a walk in Febraury at the beach and offered me a ride. I waited on a stone wall in a mostly deserted parking lot on a very cold windy day where the temp was in the low 20s without the wind. 40 minutes I waited. 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after. I went to the beach and I was criticized for making “them” wait.

    Friends have told me to meet up with them at places thatq take an hour or two to get there and don’t show up.

    Another group, the organizer liked get me lost in their city when I told them I was not familiiar.

    I am introverted and shy. Going out and joining groups with strangers is out of my comfort zone, but I did it AND did enjoy some of them. Whatever reason, someone in the group, usually the organizer makes things difficult until I leave.

    I can’t count on my family which is now down to two brothers. When I was young I use to wish for 15 sisters… thinking that would even the score of 4 against one. :). Once we became adults, it didn’t improve. It’s like childhood problems have been brought forward to adult hood.

    Watching shows about close siblings, co-workers that are friendly and respect their co-workers makes me sad that family, friends, co-workers are not like those on TV. So I make the best of it. I say Happy Birthday to all that I get notified. No one reciprocates, even at work. Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, Thanksgiving…NO ONE at work says anything. They knew about 9-11…. said nothing to me, but discussed it with other co-workers. Complained to the boss that I wanted a desk that nobody else wanted????? HUH!!!!!! One guy was mad that he got a promotion in half the time it took me. THAT I don’t understand. I told him that managerment will probably be glad to take the promotion back and wait for anther 15 years if that’s what he want. 🙂 …. It’s the middle of July AND the weather man is forecasting8 inches for part of the country. As my mother said…… the glass is half full!!!!!! 🙂

    • Ellie says:

      So sorry about your experience BridgetMarie. I can fully relate and after years and years of the types of experiences you have described – being bullied and ostracised – I stopped going to the groups because I don’t fault find with people, I enjoy their company and appreciate their strengths. The problem that stands out in your comments is that you sound very good at the games and tasks and, perhaps like my experiences, winning at all costs – even at your expense – is seen as the priority goal. Albeit, it’s often covert so it’s often subtle at first. The scrabble group and the watching tv feeling sad really struck a chord with me. I hope you join the Facebook group for members of this blog. I’d happily chat to you some more. I put myself out there so many times but it always came to nothing. It’d be nice to see that change and not feel it’s hopeless. I’m self-sufficient and kept self-development priority but that doesn’t have to exclude having friends, if an opportunity opens up one day.

      • Rae says:

        Ellie, you are such a kind & caring person to reply to Bridget the way you did. If I knew who you were I would be your friend and hug you! This world needs more people like you. 😊

        • Ellie says:

          Thank you Rae, what a lovely thing to say. You are too for pointing that out! If you’re in the Facebook group, I’ll join you there to chat to you some more…

    • B says:

      To be honest I think groups often bring the worst out in people and also that a lot of people dont know how to behave. Theres nothing wrong with you at all, its just how some people are.
      I went along to a walking group recently and an older lady asked me what I did for a living I explained I was a full time carer for my Mum and she said what are you going to do when your Mum dies? you will have to sign on the dole and that wont be very good will it? I’d met her about 30 seconds before I dont know how she dare be so rude to a stranger.
      Also I used to be involved in a sports group and this involved going to various different places some out in the sticks. Anyway one day a guy organized it and didnt make any provision for the non drivers. My friend D, told me to ask a guy for a lift I did and he said It would be o.k. When we finished the activity the guy told me he wasnt giving me and my friend a lift back and went mad with D for him suggesting we asked for a lift. If he hadnt have wanted to give one he should have declined to start with.Not be arguing in the middle of nowhere in the winter.
      Later in the pub I overheard one of the leaders saying next time just tell them they cant come. I said what was that? they said o nothing.
      That was the last time I went to that group, I sold all my stuff and I’d be going for 6 years. It was a case of if you dont have a car and a lot of money you can forget it.
      I think now anyone who doesnt have their own transport is better off doing things they can get to on public transport or by foot.
      I also think you have to laugh at people and have absoluely no expectations, be your own best friend thats what I do.

  20. Fiona O'Keefe says:

    I’m alone now. I’m not teaching since about 6 months. I retired before my time .Get less money but I do not care. At the beginning everything was as usual but little by little my friends-coworkers stop calling me to go here and there, etc…
    My friends were only my co-workers or people related to it.
    I’m a widow with children who married very, very young though everything is OK. However, they live now out of the state. I go to different places where I can get friends but the people have already their groups.

    • Rae says:

      Hi Fiona,
      It must be hard to adjust to being around people at work and children who are so full of life at school and then being retired.
      I have children too. One is 22 & on probation, one is 19 and lives with me but I don’t see him much cause he works evenings & is out w friends, and one is 18 and lives w mom so I don’t see her for months.
      I say that to tell you that I can relate.
      Maybe you might think of volunteering someplace or use your teaching skills to help young people who need help after school. Or maybe get a little part time job so you can meet people or just be around people. Maybe it would give your life more meaning & purpose.
      Take care of yourself. 🙂

  21. Ben says:

    Yes there is life after Facebook. I haven’t been on Facebook for a while and I find that I have more peace in my life. I am not comparing myself to others and concentrate on my own life. I have had a couple of really good things happen recently. I met someone in real life and we dated for about a month and in many ways it was amazing. Most of the time dating for me was trying to find that someone who those feelings of doubts would not be there. It happened for me this time. We share common interests and a similar way of interacting with life. That is not to say everything meshed. We are both at different places when it comes to personal development and have things to work on. Even if it does not work out in the end it proves to me that it is possible to meet someone in real life who you feel you click with.

    Another thing that happened is that someone who I thought (male) was my friend but showed hostility toward me a few times so I backed off the friendship. He called and left a message and I sent an email describing how I felt about the hostility. He denied any hostility but my experience tells me different. I am totally ok with me in this and meet various people in a new area I live in. I value being a friendly, good natured person who strives to treat people with kindness and respect. I like who I am today.

    One other good piece of news. I went to a doctor appointment and my blood pressure was 103/67. I have been exercising regularly on my bicycle for over a year and changed my diet. I have lost weight and within 10 pounds of my target weight.

    My purpose for writing this is to encourage others to keep working on personal development and hold fast to your own personal values. It’s no guarantee but good things can happen along the way…. Appreciate this site…

    • Ellie says:

      Glad to hear you’re holding fast to your personal values Ben. I don’t find that hard to do, but the consequences can be hard to bear in terms of being mistreated for not conforming e.g. being honest. You relayed how you tackled head on the hostility from a friend. I handle things in the same way and loses me ‘friends’ – I put friends in inverted commas because that’s description has been used tentatively, as solid friends want to work out differences rather than drop you like a hot potato because they can’t be bothered. Your description of the behaviour of hostile friend reacting negatively, reflects my own experiences – a lot of ‘friends’ I’ve had refused to look at the issues they caused and for me, that was the crux of it. I pride myself on being considerate, kind and insightful. I have a good mind and intend to use it. I focus on learning something new everyday and that has often elicited a very negative response from people who didn’t like that I was knowledgeable and skilled. I take the opposite approach: if I meet someone more skilled or knowledgeable than myself, I seek to learn everything I can from them. Humility is key for me, so I don’t brag but, I have conviction that the hostility I’ve faced has been because of the insecurity of those people being hostile. I can’t speak for your situation but, it’s something worth considering. I’m also a person who takes initiative and makes things happen. I’m grounded yet, I’m very much a free spirit. I don’t need other people and when supposed friends have attempted to manipulate me and criticise, I recognise they needed something conditionally out of the relationship and if I didn’t give it, they would quickly lose interest. I don’t use people. I accept people for how they are. For me, friendships are about working on our own insecurities and focusing on the positives in other people and being happy for them when good things happen for them. I’ve always been happy for my friends, and not through the gritted teeth of resentment – genuinely happy however, I’ve never had a friend who has been happy for me, they only ever been resentful, angry, critical and destructive. I choose my company wisely and don’t have destructive people in my life who ridicule and sabotage me. That’s resulted in me having no friends but, so be it. I’m philosophical despite the mistreatment, don’t hold grudges and have forgiven them.

      • Ben says:

        I read your response and find it sad that you relate you’ve never had anyone being happy for you in your own personal life. I see one of the problems in the world today is this focus through the internet of making everything news worthy. I have far less than most but I make the most of everything I have. I have had abundance and lack and discovered that abundance has the effect on me of not having this dynamic tension in life. My parents were good cheerleaders of mine as well as some good friends and the difference now is when a “so-called” friend shows their true colors I am less likely to just take it. I like being assertive without being aggressive. I like who I am and years ago I could have done everything right and still not liked myself.

      • Michael says:

        Ellie, Ben, thanks for having this conversation. Ellie, I admire your strength in that you can continue trying with people even after all the negativity. I suppose I haven’t been the most resilient person, and this was inspiring.

        I would really like a friendship where the people help each other work on their differences and insecurities. But recently I haven’t found much of that. For me recently it’s been mostly bullying or jealousy, or just polite people who bully behind my back.

        That type of experience can make it hard for me to open up with people, and I’m pretty lonely and reserved because of it.

        Again, thank you. You are strong and you have given me hope and a better understanding that maybe I’m not the problem.

        Please continue being awesome.

        I know sometimes people can tease their friends, but it’s a different beast when they ridicule you. I think you are right in the way you are handling things.

  22. Anonymous says:

    I have read many of the comments here. I am a 58 year old woman, never married, no kids. My parents had a terrible divorce. My older relatives were the only ones I felt I could turn to for love, trust and encouragement. They were my true friends, but now they have passed away.
    In my life I always tried to maintain a cheerful countenance. I had a long illness which cost me a lot of money. I have recovered, but I feel there is a deep gap in my life, being alone, no real friends, little money to do more social and recreational things.
    I always had a reasonable social life and plenty of boyfriends when I was younger. The Internet age and technology – I hate to say it – has not made it easier to make friends, for me anyway. It seems with all the complexities of life I am involved in a solo juggling act – just trying to keep my head above water.
    When there was no instant messaging, texting, doing everything on the Internet, people actually went out and met other people. The Internet has many useful tools, but I think, in my case anyway, it has led me to feel more isolated.
    Apart from that, I had many personal experiences of very close friends dying and so many other experiences with people having such a cavalier attitude that they did not value my friendship.
    I try my best in the modern world, but feel it is a daily struggle. I feel emotionally worn out, with no support but God.
    Where did the happy girl I used to be go? I don’t know, but I do believe technology has had a negative impact in general on my ability to connect with other people. I do not think that I am alone in this regard, which is some consolation, knowing that I am not alone in this predicament. I hope I can find my way out if it, though I am not too sure.
    I know that some people bravely search out and find a helpful therapist. I have been through this exercise numerous times. I did find one very understanding and helpful therapist, but he also passed away.
    Just plain tired at this point. I don’t think people are designed to live alone. It is very difficult for me to live like this. I am grateful that I at least had some good role models to follow and a decent spiritual and moral base. That is what keeps me going. Still, I have no friends.

    • Melissa says:

      With the exception of boyfriends (I am gay) I can completely relate. I had, at one long period of time, a very productive and full (happy) life. I am 58 as well and from my younger age all the way up to my mid 40’s, I had friends, had a decent fulfilling life. I then had a bit of a cycle that went from my being employed, to losing a good job that kept me afloat, to not locating one in time, moving back to my hometown (which I have always viewed as a complete failure on my part) to having a home, living on disability (my knees are completely shot, repaired, but still bad) and now just being where I CANNOT stand. I had a very best friend since 1983 (I would say have, but she made a new life in another state and has little to no interest in me, my life or anything) that has broken my heart over how little she seems to care…Anyway, long story short, I too have lost 2 very good friends that died way before their time and basically, I am friendless now. I am on a very tight budget that leaves me little to nothing to work with to even have one meal out if I want to. It is like a giant black cloud over my head that never seems to clear.
      I want to be part of something, but being in this one horse town with very little to do, it has turned my life upside down with nowhere to go. What do you do with all of the free time? I have gotten involved helping with animals at the local animal shelter and worked there for a short while before I could not physically do it anymore…It’s not enough. The silence is deafening in my life and it feels as if there is no end in sight. What do you do when you have zero friends, have no means to even do anything extra, be surrounded by ultra conservative bible thumping people who would see me (I have NOT exposed myself to anyone here) as the devil incarnated if they knew me…So heartbreaking. So, you are not alone…Maybe there will be a light at the end of this tunnel…I sure hope so b/c I really am becoming isolated to the degree of being scary…

    • Rae says:

      I hear you. I am in my 50’s too. One thing jumped out at me. You mentioned God & spirituality. I have found that when I go to church I feel God’s love in the worship. I often am in tears during certain songs. I know God loves you even when you don’t feel it. Even though I know this and even feel His love for me I still desire some type of love with a real person. What has helped, but not completely alleviate, my loneliness is joining a small group at church or going to certain events. Although there are times when I walk out of church and look around and see no one my age that seems to be available to connect to. It’s pretty hard to walk up to total strangers but at church I feel safe enough to try. There also is an app/website called Meetup which has groups and events that you may be find people with similar interests as yours. I know I used it and found hiking groups where I could socialize and connect with people. Perhaps give that a try.
      in the midst of the most painful part of my divorce I joined the Greeters team at church. What I discovered is the people naturally smile back when I said Hi or Good Morning or Welcome. After I was done I felt so much better. I alter realized that I had received 100 positive affirmations from people I didn’t even know. This really lifted my spirits. Looking back I wish I had stayed with the Greeters team longer. Then at another church I was an usher. What was cool about these things is that the rest of the ushers were nice to me and it felt good. I am now in a small group at church and even though we don’t do much outside church at least I have people I look forward to meeting each week that love & accept me just as I am.

      Hope these are some doable & positive suggestions that you can actually try.

    • Pippa says:

      I know just how you feel…

  23. Jesse says:

    This blog should get together and meet one another… problem solved!

  24. FlorenceM Kays says:

    Rae,I’m happy that you have come to your senses,having an affair with a married woman is very wrong,you have done well to stop,we all make mistakes & later come to realise it & change to better.Remember God is a loving God & he is ready to forgive anyone as long as you ask for forgiveness 🙂 He is very understanding & what he asks from us is to <3 him & have trust in him…He gives everything you ask from him @ his own time…Just have faith 🙂 You also mentioned that you tried online relationships,but no one picked you…Count yourself luck Rae because there are full of online scammers these days & you would have landed yourself in trouble.Don't go online again,God will give you a good women as long as you ask him in prayers everytime & he will definitely answer you. Be blessed & stay safe… 🙂

    • Rae says:

      Thank you Florence.
      I finally said goodbye to the married woman last Sunday. She’s going to get a divorce but I realized I was traumatizing myself by trying to have a real relationship with her. It hurt her very badly and I feel bad about that. But I feel the love of God again and I’m trusting that IF I follow Hos ways and not my own that He will provide the right woman for me. I just have to be the right man who walks with God.
      I turned to this woman due to loneliness and in the long run both her and I paid the price. All I can do now is pray for her and really live by faith that by walking with God that He will take care of me as a loving Father takes care of Hid children. I already feel much better and I have my hope back again. I am excited about life again. Even though this woman was separated from her husband for 10 years I still did not feel she could give me what a person should have in a real relationship. We could not move forward due to her marriage. God is right. I’ve learned that listening to my heart is not best if it’s opposite of what God says. I’m lucky that I got out when I need. I feel better now with just God and a few kinda friends than I felt with her. We were so close but it didn’t matter cause when she left I felt worse cause we couldn’t see each other durring the week. In the end we both got hurt. God doesn’t want us to hurt. He wants us to have joy. And I feel joy again even when I’m alone.
      The people at my church love me too. They may not always like me but they are kind to me. I’m content now to follow God and be in a relationship with Him. It’s very real and it’s full of joy. He does good things for me. I already see this happening.
      It’s truly amazing

  25. Jay says:

    Hi Amanda;

    I read your original comment and truthfully, for a second I wondered if I had written it. I don’t get it either. I see other people who are fake and jerks and broken yet they have a TON of friends who just can’t wait to invite them to their parties. Meanwhile, here I am, understanding and compassionate and loyal as hell and NOTHING. I am luckily married with a husband who goes through the same thing and I am extremely grateful. Seriously, I know how amazingly fortunate I am. Still, I am left with this empty need for a sister, a best friend, a lost twin…. I can’t put words to it. I feel like there is another half of me that is missing. A twin sister that I never knew about. I don’t know. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t get it. I’m nice and loyal and smart and I FEEL normal. I don;t know. Since we can’t instantly become friends, all I can say is hang in there. You’re not alone. We ARE individually together (however little comforting that it). I at least get it. We will never meet but know there is at least ONE other person in this negative, selfish, narrow world who understands.

  26. Rae says:

    Hello all,
    I ended up here because I have overwhelming feelings of loneliness, sadness and hopelessness. I ended a long term relationship with a woman who was separated but technically married. We were deeply in love. I go to church and I became convicted that what I was doing with her would disqualify me for heaven. I kinda told her this and that I couldn’t see her anymore. I’ve done this like 4 times with her but I kept going back because I couldn’t deal with having no one love me in my life. She took me back for a number of reasons but one is that we had something very beautiful and intimate between us. something i never had with my ex wife. People tell me that God loves me and I thought I believed that but now that truth doesn’t seem to be making the difference that I thought it would. I went on a date which seemed to go well. Next day she said she didn’t feel that sparkle to take it any further. This crushed me because we had like everything in common. I end up,now feeling not good enough. I’ve tried online dating but I get no replys from anyone I’d date.
    Very few people talk to me and I seem to get stuck in self pity mindset which I know is worthless. I’m an attractive and fit guy for my age, 50, but I feel tremendous insecurity. People at church are nice to me and I have ok interactions with them but I haven’t had much success at join with anyone outside church. Some leaders said to serve at church so I did but I end up feeling even more alone and unworthy of friendship after people get to know me. I work up at 3 am tonight and now I’ve ended up here writing this.
    I guess all I want in life is be loved and to love. My ex wife was verbally abusing and I stayed in that relationship for over 20 years. I wonder how much of my current issues are due to living in that toxic environment and how much are related to just me and handed down from environment and examples I grew up with.
    People are nice to me at first but eventually they become distant perhaps from my social awkwardness and my neediness for validation that I’m like-able. It seems only when I’m at church do I feel good but now that’s changing and I’m starting to feel bad because I don’t follow Jesus good enough.
    I may see a psych doctor but I hate meds so I may never seek that avenue of help.
    Gosh I hope I can get comfortable being single at age 50.
    Tonight after church I stood outside looking for someone else my age and single to talk to.
    I felt totally alone so I left. I woke up at 3 am and began crying… Which lead me here.
    Even though I know God is love I feel it’s up to me to get better.
    I just don’t understand why friendships are so hard for me.
    His has lead me into depression.
    I hope I can come out of this or find a way to be ok just as I am.

    • N says:

      Hi there! Just know that you are not alone! SO many people feel the same but do not exhibit it on the outside.

      Trust me – you will be Ok! With or without friends!

      • Rae says:

        Thank you. I will be ok. Just have to relax and stop being so hard on myself. I’m learning to let go and live in peace with myself and with others. Piece is a good place to be.

  27. ruth says:

    I have one close friend I’ve known for about 1 1/2 years and 2 friends I’ve known for about 6 months now that I’m working on getting closer to. I’ve had some mental health issues in my past and have a therapist. She’s helping me to become less insecure, which in turn has made me examine my life. I’ve quickly realized that both of my parents have no friends, which modeled a very unhealthy social life for me. My family is very dysfunctional beyond that, but I want to give ya’ll hope. After many years of therapy, I’m making friends. It’s hard without a model, but I just ask myself how would I want to be treated if I were my own friend. Slowly getting there with my friends. Keep on keeping on people. <3

    • Rae says:

      I’m proud of you Ruth. You persevered and examined yourself which is huge! Sounds like you did the hard work it took to start getting better. Inspiring

  28. Kane Robert says:

    Thanks to Prophet Abuvia because He is great. He has done so much for me. A few months ago my wife left me for another man. I was so depressed I was even admitted in hospital. Then for some reason I was searching for divorce lawyers and to my surprise I ended up on the prophet abuvia website (prophetabuviasolutiontemple. webs. com). I started reading his works and testimonies and I was so encouraged to fight for my marriage through his power and work. There were times were I lost hope,thinking of giving up but He reminds me to never lose hope. Isaiah 41:10. Today I can say my marriage has been restored. We happy and playing every day and she is happier than before. if you are having such or any kind of problem, you can also contact prophet abuvia on his email prophet.abuvia AT gmail DOT com

    • Sam says:

      Pleased to hear that you have managed to resolve the issues you had with each other, but I feel it should be pointed out that senior members of any religion and marriage Councillors are more than capable of delivering the same level of help and advice you received. I’m guessing in many conflicts like this, being willing to accept the advice given by any of those I have mentioned would have had exactly the same effect. I do wonder if the posting of this person’s email address, contravenes the rules of this blog?

  29. Sam says:

    I can think back to when I was 6 and remember realising I was different to most other people because I was disabled. One part of my disability, (which was Spina-Bifida and back in 1949 was a seriously life-threatening one, not helped much by 6 weeks later, getting a dose of Meningitis!) I am very proud of surviving from these, but also have to cope with a far less serious internal one which to this day I am still utterly ashamed of, but is also for all intents and purposes ‘Invisible’ because I don’t need to tell anyone about it. That I suspect, has indirectly caused me to become an introvert. Due to the skills of a famous neurosurgeon and for most of my life I have been completely mobile until my feet started giving me problems about 12 years ago.

    I had to attend special schools until I was about 11, where I definitely felt I was the ‘Odd one out’ because everyone else was more severely disabled than I was. When attending my last school which was a ‘conventional’ one, I pretty well felt the same but the reasons were the opposite way round so I kept myself to myself, for fear of my hidden disability being discovered. That feeling remains with me, as well as the knowledge that if and when a relationship kicks off and things begin getting serious, at some point I’m going to have to own up and quite often, when I have done so, I have been told I’ve been deceitful in not telling them earlier, or a few weeks later they have just walked away, without giving any reason.

    I don’t do small talk because I just don’t get what practical purpose it serves and anyway, a fair bit of this is gossiping about others who I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if because I don’t pass on others chit-chat, I’m considered a ‘waste of time talking to and knowing’. I yearn conversations which are about ‘things’. Sport, those team-building type things and pubbing where people are pretty well expected to let their hair down and waste money on drink, are things that are intimidating and make me feel really vulnerable.

    If I’m out and about, I’m on my own and see ‘strangers’ bump into one another, and within less than a minute they act as if they’ve known each other for ages, which is really soul-destroying because that kind of thing very rarely happens to me. I’ll sit in say a cafe on my own, whilst others around me appear with friends or make new friends.

    It’s as if when everyone else was younger, they were given copies of a book explaining all the rules of socialising, but I didn’t get one. How do I know if I’m doing something ‘wrong’ or indeed ‘right’ if I’m not told? Maybe, because of how old I am, when I make these socialising mistakes, people just assume I’m ‘weird’ and steer clear of me because they can’t believe that I don’t have the range of socialising skills they have? It’s a vicious circle, and I just don’t know how to break out of it.

    Where I can, I’ve always been a shoulder for others to cry on because I am a really practical and unemotionally-charged type of person who can be relied upon to help people see that there are more sides of an issue than they realis and won’t spill the beans about what they’ve said me, to anyone else. I get thanked for what I’ve done, but after all of that, I just get cast aside until they need help again. I’m also pretty sure they have no idea of the emotional turmoil I endure because I very rarely own up to it and fear that if I did, I’d end up being ridiculed.

    • Lukus says:

      Hi Sam,

      Your story is very inspirational, as you have overcome so much and still come across as a nice person without being cynical. If people don’t like you, that’s their bad luck, they aren’t the right people for you.

      I’m in my 30s, so somewhat different age group and whilst my story is very different, I completely understand your sentiments on wanting to talk about ‘things’ rather than idle gossip and partaking in mind numbing pastimes. Humans spend an inordinate amount of time on these low level interactions. What I have learned is that humans are still very primitive and tribal animals, we just happen to have developed complex and conscious minds on top of that. I have researched human psychology a lot now in books and through experience and these small talk rituals are an important ‘dance’ with moving through the phases from stranger to acquaintance. Even close friends do the small talk thing first before graduating (if you’re lucky) to more robust conversations. Most people have short attention spans and are not very intellectual, even if they are they would rather gossip or talk about football, or ‘insert inane topic here’. Worse still, most people are playing games, subconsciously, almost all of the time. They are fitting in with the role their ego believes it is within a group or relationship. I personally like to form strong one on one bonds and talk about ‘heavy’ subjects, like philosophy, psychology, history, environmental science, cosmology, theoretical physics, futurism, high technology, birds and animals – or most of the sciences. Like you, I am keen to lend an ear and help people through their problems, but would like to receive the same gesture in return. I also like to joke about here and there, but I appreciate wit rather than slapstick humour. I am also highly aware of hierarchical group dynamics, games people are playing or hidden agendas. Unfortunately, this style of friendship is not what most people are after, delve too deep into any subject, personal or intellectual and their eyes glaze over, you can almost see them partitioning you into the ‘geek’ or ‘aloof’ slot. I’m fine with that, I just haven’t met many geeks to befriend.

      My experience with most ‘friends’ has been that they want something out of the relationship and they are situational, i.e. when I was single, I had lots of ‘wingmen’ friends, who would want to go out every weekend to pick up, then when I settled down with a girlfriend they wanted me to come out and cheat on my partner, so I said it was wrong to cheat and ‘poof’ they were gone for ever. The other people wanted money or business connections and spent a huge amount of time and energy building my trust, so they could gain access to these resources, these are not real friends. I still have a few authentic friends, but they moved far away and speak rarely.

      Yes, I am cynical now towards most people, even though I try to hide this, which is why your comment resonated with me because you are not cynical, but you are hard on yourself. My thoughts about your situation, for what it’s worth, is to use the same strategy as I am trying, which is to pursue hobbies and interests, or volunteer, then build connections this way so you can get to talk about ‘things’ with people who also want that. There still isn’t really a way to get around the small talk, see it as a cultural ritual, it is needed to build trust and you get to find out if you like the person as much as they get to find out if they like you – a two way street.

      I personally like ‘the odd ones out’, they are usually my kind of people and have deeper, more insightful thoughts on the world. I think its due to looking from the outside in, you get to see the big picture, the view is pretty good from up here!

    • Alex says:

      Hi Sam, it is good to hear that you’re able to walk again. Though it starting to give you problems again. Hope the situation has stablise or improve for you.

      in regard of small talk, my situation is different from yours. Actually I have learned how to do small tallk, but due to previous experience of being burned in sucession. I have become rather cynical abt people in general. I usually don’t follow up for further contact. In short, I am mentally exhausted in this aspect.

      Now what I am going to say is rather depressing. So please skip it if you not in the mood to read such stuff.

      when I was at my lowest. Lost ex-girlfriend, ex-friends, job and an old cat in sucession. I did entertain the thought of suicide. Because, I have really noone to turn to. Guess as a man, the society has no sympathy for you in whatever so way. I think being label as a pussy would suit me. For suicide, I never had the strength to follow through. I did attempted once because I didn’t get any As for my secondary school exams. I guess my 14 years old self have more balls than my current myself.

      Yeah, guess life still goes on for me till I meet my maker. I am a heavy smoker anyway. Well, I think it’s rather unhealthy if I keep looking back. Either I will go insane or eventually I will opt out. Life goes on for me now and still remain an open ended story for now. Ciao.

      [Last name removed by moderator. To protect yourself from spammers, please do not use last names on this blog. Thanks!]

      • Irene says:

        If you ever feel so despondent that you are thinking about giving up, contact a suicide hotline immediately.

        • A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.

        • In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.

        Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 emotional support for those in crisis: http://www.crisistextline.org/ Founded by DoSomething.org contributors, this 24-hour texting hotline provides realtime emotional support for young adults. The program is designed to be a safe outlet for anyone to reach out to when they’re struggling with a mental health issue, whether it’s feeling depressed, bullied or anxious. The service is run by crisis counselors and is completely confidential and free of charge. To reach the helpline, text START to 741741.

        The GLBT Hotline provides telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States for teens and young adults up to the age of 25: Toll-free 1-800-246-PRIDE
        See the website for hours and additional info: http://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html

  30. Yve says:

    Hey, don’t worry so much about not having friends. Most friends turn out to be hypocrites anyway. The only person who truly cares about you is you. Never forget that. I am an extrovert and a v nice person but my friends always hurt me.. I don’t know why. If u feel lonely you can send me a DM on Twitter. My handle is @Sef_Sky . I can’t wait to hear from someone who feels lonely and wants to make a friend. Chao.

  31. Alex says:

    Just want to add on, in today’s developed societies. Adult friendships are fickle or should I say it’s a “friendship of convenience”. Furthermore, people tend to be more mobile and they have lots more plates spinning nowadays. If you ever have least one friend who bother to keep in touch with you, even both of you are busy with your own lives. That’s the person worth cherishing. I can be quite certain of own my fate, as looking at my own elderly parents. They did not have any friends as to speak of, even when I was a young child. I believe nurture have some contribution to this trait. I did try making some friends when I was here in Australia, but I was never really successful. Adults inherent instinct is to make friends who are somehow similar to themselves. As the saying goes, “birds of the same feather flock together”. Well, I have end this lengthy “essay” now. Good luck folks!

  32. Alex says:

    I am 36, unmarried, no children, haven’t talk to my elder brothers for years. My turning point was when I was 30, lost my cat, job, ex-friends and ex-friend within a space of 2 months. I became dysfunctional for abt 2 months. Let my hair grew long and unkempt, spoke less than 3 sentences daily. Locked myself in my parents’ apartment, only to go out for meals. My lesson learned is that always enjoy your own company alone. Though, I eventually became sort of functional when I met my second cat and adopted her.
    So, one fine day I decided to go for a haircut, got a job for 8 months then eventually left for Australia for further studies. The symptoms of my depression came back. Dropped out of 2 courses, seeked further psychiatric treatment and now I am back on my 3rd course, just finished my 2nd semester. My shrink said that I never really recovered from that series of events. (Which is true) So I am making the best out of my current situation. And yes, I am still without any friends.

    [Last name removed by moderator; to protect yourself against spammers, please do use last names on this blog. Thanks! Irene]

    • Alex says:

      * dysfunctional for 2 years.

    • Alexis says:

      Sadly, when it comes to things like this it have lasting impacts on people. I hope things get better for you.

      • Alex says:

        I just have to learn to enjoy my own company. Like right now, sitting in my car at 2.30am near my campus. Not sad nor depressed. Just zoning out.

    • a says:

      Hi Alex
      I am in Australia -Vic – too. I’m F, don’t like putting names on blogs or over internet. I’m single, staying at parents’ (not staying as in living there – they don’t want me living there cos of their own ideas, I have no where else and have been in abusive living conditions prior) but camping on floor with belongings mostly stored outside…technically homeless and by Dep.Emp. criteria).
      I understand about your cat. It’s happened to me a few times and likewise losing the job (a few times, through no fault of my own) I don’t think your initial ‘depression’ after losing your job, friends, cat was anything but normal reaction, sadness and grief, it’d also depend on what else was going on in your life and if you were already run down, tired or stressed and had little supports either by way of resources or people friends or family.

      Dropping out of a course because your health and happiness are a bit run down isn’t abnormal I don’t think (I have an M.A. years ago, but haven’t done much study since because of health and mood and energy and also dropped out of an M.Ed. and M.Sc. even though they were free for me…will get back to them perhaps when I am feeling better, I dropped put on Dr.’s advice).

      I’ve also lost contact with friends. I’m unemployed, for years now, except for an organisation – freelance and only staffed by myself – I ran for ESL tutoring and welfare assistance to CALD, migrant and refugee people but couldn’t earn any money from that the way it was so it was pro-bono.

      My family are not much help, 1 sister mended ,y dad’s computer which has helped me as I am typing to you from it now, another sister gives me free 2nd hand clothing but I also do things for her.

      Apart from that I have no one to talk to except very occasionally and not very often and try to talk to my dad about my problems but he’s not much of a person for that and always wants a quick fix and I suspect he’d prefer I didn’t take my problems to him although he says it’s ok.

      I am glad you found a cat, you are lucky, I have been thinking, even today, I wish I could afford a pet as it would avoid me feeling so anxious, down, run down as drastically as I do.

      cheers, keep trying with the study but look after yourself including your mood and mental health. Sometimes just going to a café and having a coffee by yourself and looking at people going past can – hypothetically, as sometimes it works for me, although I can hardly ever afford it – help mood and not feeling so alone.

      I envy you having a cat, I was up early this morning (around 4:30am) and thinking I need a pet. I have to be satisfied with visiting relative’s pets’ these days.

      • Alex says:

        Hey a, not sure whether you will ever read this. Let me tell you something. My cat now is back in Singapore, being looked after by my mother. This cat is/was the cause I am partially functional again. Animals don’t judge from my perspective. But this animal is not with me right in Australia. I know owning a pet is out of the question right now for you. But my advice find something to inspire you on for the rest of your life. I believe I owe something to this dear creature somehow, something I can never repay. She made feel wanted when everything went to the fence. Drop me an email or any contact if you ever need a chat.

    • a says:

      Hi Alex
      I am in Australia -Vic – too. I’m F, don’t like putting names on blogs or over internet. I’m single, staying at parents’ (not staying as in living there – they don’t want me living there cos of their own ideas, I have no where else and have been in abusive living conditions prior) but camping on floor with belongings mostly stored outside…technically homeless and by Dep.Emp. criteria).
      I understand about your cat. It’s happened to me a few times and likewise losing the job (a few times, through no fault of my own) I don’t think your initial ‘depression’ after losing your job, friends, cat was anything but normal reaction, sadness and grief, it’d also depend on what else was going on in your life and if you were already run down, tired or stressed and had little supports either by way of resources or people friends or family.

      Dropping out of a course because your health and happiness are a bit run down isn’t abnormal I don’t think (I have an M.A. years ago, but haven’t done much study since because of health and mood and energy and also dropped out of an M.Ed. and M.Sc. even though they were free for me…will get back to them perhaps when I am feeling better, I dropped put on Dr.’s advice).

      I’ve also lost contact with friends. I’m unemployed, for years now, except for an organisation – freelance and only staffed by myself – I ran for ESL tutoring and welfare assistance to CALD, migrant and refugee people but couldn’t earn any money from that the way it was so it was pro-bono.

      My family are not much help, 1 sister mended ,y dad’s computer which has helped me as I am typing to you from it now, another sister gives me free 2nd hand clothing but I also do things for her.

      Apart from that I have no one to talk to except very occasionally and not very often and try to talk to my dad about my problems but he’s not much of a person for that and always wants a quick fix and I suspect he’d prefer I didn’t take my problems to him although he says it’s ok.

      I am glad you found a cat, you are lucky, I have been thinking, even today, I wish I could afford a pet as it would avoid me feeling so anxious, down, run down as drastically as I do.

      cheers, keep trying with the study but look after yourself including your mood and mental health. Sometimes just going to a café and having a coffee by yourself and looking at people going past can – hypothetically, as sometimes it works for me, although I can hardly ever afford it – help mood and not feeling so alone.

      I envy you having a cat, I was up early this morning (around 4:30am) and thinking I need a pet. I have to be satisfied with visiting relatives’ pets these days.

  33. Amanda says:

    Steps to having social abundance:

    1. Love yourself more and more every day.
    2. Love yourself more than you love other people.
    3. Love yourself enough to let go of the past.
    4. Forgive anyone who has hurt you so you don’t hold onto that negative energy.
    5. Spend some time examining your beliefs about relationships. Really examine these.
    5. Re-write all the negative beliefs into positive affirmations that you say to yourself as many times daily as possible.


    “I am loving and lovable”
    “I am open and receptive to healthy lasting relationships”
    “I release my need to distrust”
    “I trust the process of life”
    “I know that right action is always taking place”
    “I am safe and whole regardless of having friends”
    “I attract friends easily and effortlessly”

    These are just examples. Love yourself enough to make ones specific to you and your situation. You deserve it. You’re a living breathing being and you need to be gentle with yourself. We all deserve friends and we need them. Humans are social creatures by nature. Even if you do not believe these affirmations at first, keep going and keep saying them. As Muhammed Ali said “It is the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief leads to deep conviction, things start to happen.”

    I use this technique for other things and I decided it could be really useful for loneliness too or experiencing a lack of friendship. Since I’m going through that right now in my life, I will be doing this too. I say affirmations everyday. I even keep a picture of myself as a child on my mirror as a reminder to be kind to my inner child.

    We have to stop believing we are not worthy of great friendships. That belief is buried way down deep so dig it up. Cry, scream in your car, dig a hole in the dirt, beat up your bed pillows if you need to. it’s okay to express yourself. safely. once you do you’ll feel so much better and happier even without having friends. but you’ll have planted a seed to change your beliefs and you’ll have a new energy about you. an energy that will attract new and lasting relationships.

    you see, there are no problems in life really. no matter what, I’ve learned they are all just learning opportunities. really hard tough things to learn still need to be learned. life gives us plenty of opportunities to learn what we need to…we just usually call them problems bc we were taught to call them problems. have I started changing your beliefs yet?

  34. Matt says:

    I am 41 years old, no kids, never had a girlfriend, very socially awkward and extremely ugly… In otherwords the definition of a loser.

    If any of you seemingly nice folk think you have it bad please read my post and I am sure it will cheer you up.

    thanks for your time.

    • Amy F says:

      Hi Matt.
      I’m curious as to type of responses were you hoping people would give to this post?
      Also, I wonder what steps you’ve taken in your life to improve your situation.

    • Matt says:


      I don’t know wasn’t really expecting a response, the internet doesn’t make me any less socially awkward.

      I have stopped looking for ways to fix myself and accepted who I am, I was just feeling particularly down last night and felt the need to vent. I don’t usually do that Most of the time I just silently observe on these kinds of sites.


    • Amanda says:


      if you think you are ugly and socially awkward then you are. but if you choose to think you are a beautiful living breathing human being, who deserves as much love and connection as anyone else then you will be. do not buy the stories someone told you about being ugly or awkward or bad. it’s just a story someone told you or told around when you were young. They couldn’t help it, someone told them the same story. And now you’re telling others the same story. End that book. Write a new story for yourself. Affirm that you are beautiful and worthy of love and friendship. Say it to yourself in the mirror. Even if you cry at first. It will get easier. You won’t believe it at first, because you are so used to hearing that same story but that’s okay. You are now choosing to plant a seed that will grow to a beautiful new story. Just keep saying it, and really start to love yourself. Be as beautiful as your true self knows you are. And so it is.

      • C.j.M says:

        If I have a hammer, and I believe that it’s a screwdriver… doesn’t make it a screwdriver.

        • N.a.s says:

          Do not combine things with human souls! ever!

        • Amanda says:

          You are not a hammer not a screwdriver. You have a mind a body and a soul. You get to experience things and your mind operates under belief systems. Your body listens to your mind. Who does your mind listen to? that’s up to you. Do you tell yourself you are a tool? Maybe you feel like a tool so these analogies don’t work for you. That’s okay. But even if you had a hammer and believed it was a screwdriver – I bet that single belief is all you would need to find another way to use the hammer. What you believe about yourself is everything. Those of us who have no friends have the power the change that, by changing what we believe right now.

    • Shana says:

      Then we should be friends Matt

  35. Ellie says:

    Not all friends are true friends, so when we get dumped and it’s a shock, it’s because we may have held higher standards about conduct in a friendship. Reading some of your comments I notice a pattern: sometimes you’ve been used for a while as a temporary fill in then they’ve traded up & it’s as if you didn’t exist, because they don’t want their new friends Others need drama & if you don’t fulfill their need to create it and be centre of attention, they’ll find someone to replace you who will. The main thing to remember though is that in these scenarios it is *their issue. It may be convenient to think it’s their issue, if it isn’t however, there are too many similarities between stories that contain that central thread of you are lovely people being taken advantage of then dropped like a hot potato or people are luke warm with you because they’re either not much depth, limited interests or you’re just not useful to them. I have noticed this with so many of our posts.

  36. Godhasheard says:

    Wow . Reading these responses someone understands. I’ve experienced something similar lately. I’m a bit of an introvert and like to stay to myself . About say a year and a half again I met a girl similar in interests . We hung out weekends, thinge got dicey for a while , we hung out more frequently but then lately after a slight falling out we had I’ve asked to hang out and gotten a vague responses . I’ve seen her making all kinds of plans with others , tagging herself at so and so place doing ABC activuty. Places we’ve said we,d go, she goes with others. I see this and think to myself, maybe I don’t fulfill that role like I did. Maybe I’m not as fun as I was. I’ve known all my life I’m a bit of a loner , I’m hard to take and a bit of an oddball but that’s ok. I just don’t know how to respond to being overlooked and requests for plans glossed over. Makes you wonder, I talk to this friend bUT not as much as I did. They only seem now to contact me as a sounding board if anything , it’s all small talk anymore. I’m hoping things will get better in recourse to this friend if not we’ll I don’t know.

    • Annie says:

      Unfortunately it sounds like she’s doing the classic ‘please get the hint I don’t want to spend time with you.’
      I’ve done it to people a lot. It’s shitty, but when you don’t have the communication skills, you hate conflict and you don’t want to hurt the person, it’s easier to fade out.
      A direct approach will get you a gloss over, a mumbled denial, ‘I’ve just been busy’ or something equally lame.
      Hopefully she can be honest and just tell you that the incessant nose picking, racist comments or ogling her Mum’s boozies was the deal breaker.

      • Annie says:

        Actually, I think she’s still mad at you about your misunderstanding. Some women find forgiveness difficult. I know I do!
        Sometimes when you’re close to someone you draw your line in the sand closer and your expectations of behaviour/love/respect/loyalty are relative to your level of emotional commitment and investment. The more I have loved a friend, the higher the expectation I had of them became and the more intensely I was hurt when my expectations weren’t met or when they f*cked up.
        Perhaps your (girl)friend is similar?

  37. Rob says:

    I’m 30, single, no kids. Have a great job, great downtown apartment, nice things, ect. I’m told constantly by (mostly older) people that they are amazed that I’m still single. I’m told (and I believe) that I’m actually a very very attractive guy. I’m starting to believe that both males and females might be intemidated by my looks. I think a lot of women see me as a player and a lot of guys don’t want to hang out because they think I’ll steal women from them. The result is I have no effing friends. I don’t even talk to my roommate beyond paying bills. I’m so lonely. I don’t even care about a woman, I’d just like a cool best guy friend. I’m going to the beach Saturday with my dog because I asked 20 “acquaintances” the last two weeks to go and mostly got no reply. The ones that did reply say “maybe” or “we’ll see.” I don’t know exactly what I did wrong through the years because I was well liked in high school and college. I got burned by a 6 year girlfriend after college that left me with some trust issues and a general animosity toward women which I’ve tried to change but every time I try I get burned again. I’m considering seeing a therapist but hate the idea of paying someone just to talk to me. I really don’t know why I’m writing this post. Maybe just to vent because I’ve written hundreds of these things and never get anywhere. I’ve basically gone 3 years of the prime of my life taking vacations by myself and spending enormous amounts of time alone. I’m dying for human interaction. If anyone lives in southeastern Louisiana and would like a friend reply to my post. Yes I’m at that point now and I know it’s sad. Not looking for sympathy, just company. Thanks

    • Michelle says:

      Hi Rob. I know exactly what you mean. I was very sociable in high school and college too. I had plenty of friends, both genders. But since migrating from South Africa to Australia, I have made none. I have officially been friendless for 8 years now and it is such a lonely experience. I am 34 and married with kids so I have my family thank goodness, but no female friends anymore which is very upsetting. No one to come over for a cup of coffee, or a chat with me. I get what your saying about your “looks” bieng an issue. I am not trying to sound vain, but I also wonder if my looks are not the first thing that turn people off about me. I am constantly told by other people that I am really stunning, or that the other mums at the school are no where near as pretty as I am. Apparantly Im a really beautiful woman. Personally I dont see it, I just see flaws and imperfections. Are woman avoiding me because they are afraid I will steal thier husbands or something? Am I thinking wrong in saying such a thing? Sometimes I walk through the school and they seem to glare at me. I make conversation with them but there is always a barrier and nothing more than small talk.

      • Luis says:

        Hi. Michelle and Rob.
        English is not my native languaje, so dont be scare if my writing is not correct. 🙂
        I always asked me the same thing that you share. Does my success, my intelligence and my looks eventually are seen as a treat? Iam 43 years old. Troughout my life i have had groups of “friends” but they dont last much. I never show off and dont talk about money or other things that can make any one else uncomfortable. Actually i behave much better than other members of the group, for example i dont gossip. But after some years i end up with no friends again!! Today some one did say that is a rule that very intelligent individuals alwas lack of social skills. And i believe that is our problem, more than looks or our awesomeness. I am asking myself now that perhaps the three of us will manage to be best friends? Who knows? I am confused right now cause i lost again a group of friends, thats the reason i went online so i can learn the needed skills. It really was helpful to me hear your stories guys, thank you very much. And if you find something that helps you out please let me know, ill do the same.
        Kind regards

      • Alex says:

        Hate to break it to you, but when people are in their 30s. They are either busy with their family or jobs. I know I being obvious here. Since you got children, you can always bring your children for activities whereby other parents will bring their children too. Since you’re a woman, I assume you have no trouble making small talk. I am a man, 34 never being married. Just here trying to get my BA and go back Singapore. So, whether I make any friends here doesn’t make any difference, good luck.

    • Amanda says:

      Hey Rob,

      Email me. Let’s be friends. I went to tons of therapy, maybe I could help. And you’d be helping me too. I’m 30 and single, no kids and no friends. Okay I have one great friend but she lives 2500 miles away, so back to no friends. Like yourself, I’m not sure what the deal is …I have been told I’m intimidating but I kind of thought that was a crock of shit until I read your response. I’ve never read about this stuff before but your post stuck out to me. I’m a very smart, very attractive person who still actually cares about people and the simple things in life. Reading your post made me feel like it was my awesomeness that was making some people feel like they needed to be hurtful towards me or just ignore me altogether. I can say that I’m happy about that now. Good riddens, and best of luck to them. I believe I will attract the right friends as soon as I accept my own awesomeness. We could try it together. Just accept it, and watch the magic happen. Put our energy into loving ourselves more instead of resisting our awesome bc of other people. All is well is our worlds!!

      • pete says:

        i struggle with this friendship lark big time also, im 39, many of my friends are married which means there are 1 or 2 lads left which i dont see much of. first time experiencing this, its awful lol

  38. Kathleen says:

    I received a really nice response to a concern I’m having about friendship and lack of. I relate to so many of you, and I’m here if you ever feel like talking, I’ll listen and share mine with you.

    • Kristy says:

      Hi kathleen, I posted on the forum “Dropped by a friend group of 2 years, seemingly for no reason”

    • Shana says:

      Hey Kristy… Here! Am available I kniw how desperate it sounds but I am really really lonely I need human interaction

      [Last name removed by moderator; to protect yourself against spammers, please do use last names on this blog. Thanks! Irene]

  39. Elly says:

    Hi, im 18 years old and I have a very similar problem, no friends whatsoever. Theres nothing wrong with me, I’m not selfish, stuck up, socially awkward, a b*tch, weird or any of that. I had on and off relationships with many girls in my grade and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t hold a friendship. By the middle of last year I was left with no friends at all, I couldn’t bear sitting alone at lunch and in class so I ended up leaving school and pursuing a career (which is going extremely well). I’ve sought out professional advice on the situation and was only told that they were just ‘jealous’ of my looks which is so petty, surely not every single person I meet can be. I just hate it, having no girl friends to talk to or hang out with at such a young age. I’ve joined groups and sports teams, even signed up for a few social networks but nothing works. It’s like I’m a walking plague and everyone avoids me. I don’t know where to go from here

    • Jay says:

      I feel the same way, I really don’t know what’s wrong with me or maybe it isn’t me. I totally relate to you Elly. Perhaps we should be friends 🙂 .

      • Elly says:

        As sad as it is, its nice to know I’m not the only one who has this same problem. Maybe we should be friends Jay

    • christopher says:

      Hello, I,m 50 years old, singe, no kids, and only 2 friends. Lifes not fair sometimes.

      • Kathleen says:

        I feel you. I’m 57 and have one friend and that’s debatable. I’m one of those who have only had one or two friends in school, but when something better came along I was history. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t find good friends or keep them.I’ve got some strong ideas, but I’ve been burned so many times I can’t trust to well or make the mistake of trusting to much. I’m tired of being alone. I despertly wish I knew what to do or what’s wrong with me. I’m a giver, good listener,I can be a good friend, I’m compassionate, funny, but it seems women just don’t like me. Any advice?

        • Ellie says:

          Kathleen, I can relate. I’m in my 40s, have no friends, having had a couple of friends for a while whose friendships felt debatable then they vanished out of my life without explanation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. It’s worth considering if it’s their issue. That doesn’t have to involve blame, just a recognition that maybe they’ve issues with you that are really about them. Insecurities can manifest in many different ways that cause certain people to cling together for safety whilst excluding others. I’ve been burned more times than I can count. I do my own thing now and don’t expect friendship. I’m not resigned to having know friends and at the same time I’m aware a lot of people don’t want to be friends and the ones that have done have always had an agenda or been a bunny boiler! I’m also a giver, good listener, loyal and compassionate so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Yes, nobody’s perfect but as long as you’re a caring, loyal friend I do not see why you should have to think you’re at fault. I would imagine you didn’t find fault with them. A lot of the times the unfortunate truth is that a lot of people see you as useful and when you’ve outlived your usefulness, they disappear. Women don’t like me either. Perhaps you’re a very good looking woman; you’re come across as genuine; perhaps you’re more talented or make more money than they do. Jealousy is can be well hidden, often for years, amongst apparent friends. I hope you find some encouragement and hope in knowing you’re not alone in feeling this way. If you join the Facebook group, we can chat some more.

          • Claudia says:

            Dear Ellie – I can’t believe I came across your post….. it sounds exactly like me!!
            I am in my early 50’s and having a hard time finding (good) friends, if any.
            My husband is my best friend and we have a great relationship. However, I wish I could have a female friendship, one you can trust and feel comfortable with and do (girlie) things with.
            I had many friends in my life, but like waiters…they come and they go. And I started to think it must be ME. Perhaps it’s all about my appearance or personality (I am a very outgoing person). I have my principles and rules and maybe people don’t like that.
            Not too long ago I realized when thinking of my “friends” that there are actually more like acquaintances. One of them is like a “Birthday” (friend) – you only get together if it’s either my birthday or my husbands, hers or her husband’s (?!) Weird, isn’t it.
            I had a “Bestie” for about 6 years and all of a sudden, who knows why, I got dumped by her. No explanations, nothing. Thank goodness for Irene’s book (Best friends forever, how to survive a break-up with your female friend). It probably took me a year to get over it and now I can say: It’s all behind me…yay!!
            It is quite amazing HOW this can effect you….
            Her and her husband were also good friends with my husband and I and we went on many vacations together.
            After the “break-up” I even tried joining “Friendship” Groups only to find out the organizer was such a control freak, so checkmark for that. I even tried getting neighbours over for a drink or so but it also failed.
            I can say about myself that I am a very caring & fun person, loyal & genuine and trying to make it all right and LOVE to give. But for some reason I just come across people who like to TAKE!! I enjoy keeping track of birthdays and love giving gifts and you would think people would appreciate it.
            Anyway, thank you very much for your words who really had an effect on me and actually made me feel MUCH better!! I started to realize that maybe jealousy is a factor. I just felt suffocated for the last little while and coming across your post and others was a gift! So thank-you all :))

            • Ellie says:

              You’re welcome Claudia. It’s easy to underestimate the destructive nature of people who become jealous. What was most notable about your response were the following words: “I wish I could have a female friendship, one you can trust and feel comfortable with and do (girlie) things with. I had many friends in my life, but like waiters…they come and they go. And I started to think it must be ME. Perhaps it’s all about my appearance or personality (I am a very outgoing person). I have my principles and rules and maybe people don’t like that”. Your principles could be the stumbling block, not for you but for them. A lot of people I’ve met don’t like priniciple people because they’re unprincipled and you’re a daily reminder of their poor moral values, absence of ethical conduct or whatever other thing that reminds them they need to self-reflect, grow and change to become better people. You don’t have to be judgmental but, some people will find fault with your higher standards so that they don’t have to do the work to be better people and try to make you feel bad for being a good person. Don’t ever apologise for being a nice person. Nice people are often made to feel at fault – it’s scapegoating by people wanting to detract from their own failings and yet, the irony is that as a nice person I can tell reading your response thaf you’re not claiming to be perfect just conscientious about having integrity and being a caring person. Those are awesome qualities and a person secure in themselves will appreciate those positive qualities about you, not exclude you for having them so that you come to believe there is something wrong with you.

              One last thing, if you’re genuine and honest you’ll find opposition. A lot of people don’t like being confronted with the truth even if it’s not intentional on your part but, merely inadvertent. You deserve great friends – and your words resonated with me about doing girlie things but to me it’s more important to be truly accepted by people without seeking their approval. If they are being two-faced, I’d prefer to hang fire until I’m 60, if that’s what I’ve gotta do. I won’t compromise my self-respect and dignity despite wishing for many years that I could enjoy a simple activity like a chat and a drink together at each other’s houses. I’ve focused on improving my life in the interim. At the end of the day, if jealousy is fuelling people’s negative reactions to you leave them to it and move on, because they’ll only ever hold you back and you deserve better, and they know it.

        • Rae says:

          I wish I knew what it is we do or don’t do that cause people to not want to be with us. I could have written your very words. Perhaps we are self absorbed, but I see that everyone is to some degree. Maybe we need to act confident & secure. I don’t know.

      • Michelle says:

        Cheer up Christopher I’m 55 1 adult child, who has been making his own trouble. No friends afraid of people. I’ve been hiding in the dark for close to 20 years.

        I fold.

    • C.j.m says:

      At school I was told I was ugly and someone threw a mirror at me and told me to look at myself. They wouldn’t let me sit with them.

      Another time, someone threw a dictionary at someone else in the class. Everyone knew who it was but when the teacher asked, they all blamed me. Good thing I didn’t get in trouble that day because the teacher believed my story.

      Yeah, school was sh*t for me too. :/

    • Julie says:

      Hi Elly! I’m 19 and turns out I have the exact same problem as you. A few years ago in high school I tried to be friends with different groups of people. Then one group in particular shut me out of the group in front of a lot of peers and that humiliation still goes with me to this day. My mom tells me that it’s just that my personality isn’t like a lot of people my age, but I hate thinking that I’m never going to have friends. But from that day on I’ve developed a lot of internal issues and I’m not happy with my life as it is right now. Recently I’ve been contemplating going to therapy to talk about the issues I’ve been having since then. I think I might have depression, but I want to solve my problems so I can look at life more positively. I just wanted to tell you that sometimes, it’s not you who’s the problem, they’re just not the right people for you. I hope you stay strong, I know someday you’ll find great people who will appreciate your friendship.

      • Elly says:

        Hi Julie! I’m so sorry to hear about that, theres nothing worst on this planet then being rejected by others you so desperately want to impress/become friends with. My mum tells me the exact same thing about my personality, she says that I’m very mature for my age which is why I have troubles making friends. I would suggest going to therapy, its somewhat helped me although it doesn’t fix the problem, its still good to talk about it… Thank you so much for replying to my post, you seem like a very genuine person and I know that you will make life long friends as well. Best of luck in the future! 🙂

  40. no friends says:

    wow thats deep

  41. Melissa says:

    Oh, I can definitely relate….Going through the same crap…FB is good if you use it as casually as just maybe posting a few things, but don’t expect anyone to break their neck to talk to you directly. I have a few people I correspond with directly on there, but otherwise, not much
    I I find myself feeling a bit lost at at times as I don’t have a ton of friends…actually, since i have posted my own agonies on this site, obviously, no real friends to speak of. It’s been very hard for me since losing my only real friend (My mom) a little over a year ago. I really have no one to talk to nor do i go out and do much of anything. I am going through a tough struggle right now with trying to get myself off of the meds I take for my knee. Well, it is tough and with no support, it’s been hell! Enough said

  42. Teresa says:

    Yes I agree I was hoping to at least start a Facebook friend at least but no nothing …. So once again my comments are ignored just like me in real life:( I do have one positive well half positive thing that has happened in my life … My ex best male friend has begun to talk to me again I realize this maybe short lived ( he’s bipolar) but I’m sure he won’t ferbally abuse me any more . But now my x female friend is now behaving very jealous of our new friendship . He may be doing this to make her jealous but well he did tell he missed our talks which made feel better for right now 🙂

    • C.j.M says:

      Yeah same, I’m so over Facebook… If there wasn’t one person I still use it to keep in touch with, I would’ve gotten rid of the stupid thing a long time ago, it’s like I’m virtually ignored on there. Also you mentioned that your ex-male best friend verbally abuses you. What kind of friendship is that? I would hope that kind of thing has stopped now. Not sure what’s with the jealousy going on there. I suppose often in groups of three, there will always be one who feels more left out or like the third wheel. Hope you’re doing well, and things are going fine for you. Take care.

  43. Just me says:

    Face book I wished ??? No freinds to add to freinds list I’ve tried to add some I was blanked ,,Never had freinds or my parents have freinds my brothers and sisters have freinds , I’m shy low self esteem at times or full of it , I don’t have good talkative skills for to long , now I’ve become to believe I was never ment to have freinds so I’m use to it now but the upset of me being a freak is still hurts ,

    • Ben says:

      I really don’t like Facebook either. I too know the pain of little or no true friends. You are not alone…

      • Kathy says:

        You can join groups on fb where you can make friends. Try to find groups in your area on things you like doing
        Such as :
        Card night, singles dances , bowling night, if you drink = darts at the bars or legions in your area and or cards
        Whatever you like type it in fb at the top where your searching
        And a list will come up. Click on it
        Check it out if you like click JOIN
        They will reply to you that they accepted your request
        I am working on the same thing YOU & MANY others are also doing.
        I Wish Us ALL LUCK in finding a place we can join to meet ppl.
        Good Luck All 👀👍🏼

        • C.j.M says:

          And when people in those groups are rude or nasty to each other and other people? What then?

        • C.j.M says:

          Or how about when the majority of the people in the group are rarely active and dont check the page. Or when you post there, no one ever really replies and then you find yourself suddenly banned for no reason. Or when there are too many people in the group posting, and you get drowned out by all the activity and it becomes impossible to meet anyone. Facebook groups dont really help unfortunately.

  44. Nigelle Tran says:

    Hi I have a question.. If my old friends betrayed me how do I make new friends without looking like a loner? My current friends don’t like me around that much.

    • C.j.M says:

      That’s a hard question, wish I knew how to help Nigelle. Been in that position before too (years ago). And needless to say, avoided those people for a very long time. How are you doing now? Hope things are looking up for you. Being in your own company gives you space, time to think about what you really want or need in your life. And you dont need that kind of crap.

      • Ellie says:

        Do you know it’s interesting that often feel happy alone and in the past people have misinterpreted that as meaning I don’t need friends and I’ve had to correct that perception. Those erroneous assumptions can cause isolation. It’s not always that someone is avoiding you but, they see you’re happy alone. Mistaking that for not wanting friends means they often create confusion in their own minds because they’re thinking in a draconian manner. A lot of people I’ve met spend a lot of time together. It’s all or nothing. I like and have always had balance, so will see people then enjoy solitude. That’s part of my independent nature but, can be seen as “you don’t need us”. I experienced it in a relationship. The man I was dating got very wound up by my spending time alone and doing things without him. It’s not healthy to be joined at the hip 24-7, so I would pursue my own hobbies and interests. He took that to mean: ‘I had no interest in him’, which is extreme thinking! He became more and more insecure and eventually, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy for him. I left him, not because I didn’t need him (I didn’t ) but because he wanted co-dependency. It’s healthy to not need each other and each bring positive things to the relationship, without needs. Self-sufficiency doesn’t have to result in people around you feeling insecure. His insecurities were the central issue.
        That’s when I realised it can often be difficult for people like me and those of you are like this to make friends – essentially their insecurities may stop them committing. A lot of people I’ve met need people around them to fill a void and comfort them with their insecurities. Some people challenge that in them and it takes them outside of their comfort zone. That can lead to withdrawing friendship without explanation or even doing it because they harbour a secret jealousy and explains many two-faced friends/wolves in sheep’s clothing. That’s worth remembering.

  45. Teresa says:

    I too have always wondered what was wrong with me I see people at work who have constant flow of people stopping by their office to talk but very few stop by and talk to me It makes me sad sometimes . I tried to reconnect with old high school friends at a local alum group it soon became very cliquey and guess what I didn’t fit in with the clique That really upset me I wish I knew what was wrong with me I feel so alone sometimes

    • Ben says:

      I graduated High School in 1977. I went to a couple of reunions and had a pretty good time. Then I went to my 20th. Life had changed drastically for me financially and socially. I felt out of place. I reflected back on school days and came to the grand conclusion that I was never truly close friends with anyone in my class growing up. So what would make me believe I would be friends with them now? I too feel very alone quite a bit of the time. In spite of working on me both physically and emotionally I have not been able to attract very many close friends. The major difference is I am aware of what really “is” for me. I am less likely to over-extend myself to set myself up for disappointment. That’s not to say I don’t get disappointed. The little strides I make prove to me that some of this deals in self-confidence. I know a former friend of mine who is very self confident when talking with women. He has no problem striking up a conversation when I would be tongue tied. So for me I am going to continue working on self confidence.

  46. Sarah says:

    I feel for you. Ive had very few friends in my life, i was married briefly, but at this point I am divorced and just have a few acquaintances. I would love to have the security and intimacy of friendship. I have many experiences of being used or being left after a few meetings with no explanation as to why. My parents both had trouble making friends too. I can only guess that I am not “ENOUGH” for most people.. i have led a socially sheltered life cuz of few intimate relationships. In the city i live it seems you have to be very productive and impressive to be worthy. One therapist told me that in conversing with me, i just didn’t give off that spark or instant gratification feeling that people usually get when conversing. I wish there was a place to learn how to do this. I’m so tired of being lonely and unwanted.

    Last name deleted by moderator. Please don’t use last names on this blog. Thanks Irene

    • Rachel says:

      I wish there was too. I’ve never been able to develop relationships with people. I’ve always felt something is wrong with me, so I have gone through life feeling alone.

      • Rebecca says:

        I’m sorry you’ve been lonely it’s a tough thing to admit I have felt heart break A LOT in my life and if you would like a friend I would too.:)

  47. Teresa says:

    Hi I know how you feel about wondering if someone is a TRUE friend I have found out the hard way recently 😕 I had parents who also were not real sociable especially my dad he was a loner by choice . My Mother was always involved in groups that kept her busy . She was originally from London and came to America and married a small town boy it was a big shock for her. I wish I was more like my mom instead of my father . I don’t want to be a loner but I feel am awkward around people sometimes and I always feel they don’t like me . It’s very hard to make small talk etc. I wish I could make friends easier

    • C.j.M says:

      I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I’m diseased or something and people keep at a safe distance from me.

      I was leaving the gym the other day, and the guy on the desk who’s usually friendly, I was going to say goodbye to him, but I noticed the whole time he didnt look at me, pretended not to see me, and then he turns to the other guy, they both start whispering to each other and giggling like little girls. Every now and then they would glance over at me and smile to each other.

      Today I noticed a woman that usually walks past my house and says hello. I was outside, I was going to say hello to her, and as she walks down the street, she holds her head facing away from me in the opposite direction so she wouldnt have to notice me.

      This is exactly the type of treatment I’ve suffered for most of my life. Why some people have to be so two faced and rude, I’ll never understand. I spend a lot of my time alone these days.

      • clay says:

        the same exact stuff happens to me…. some times people say hi, some times they dont, lol, i dont get it, o well, im getting use to it

        • C.j.m says:

          Thank you. It’s nice to know someone else goes through the same thing. Even though I’m sorry to hear that and wish they wasn’t the case for you. And another thing. We have the same name.

    • Just me says:

      I feel like you ,

      people are like horses if they think you don’t like them they won’t like you , vice versa

  48. Kate says:

    Hi everyone,
    I find that I’ve gone through this ‘no friends’ phenomenon for most of my life. In childhood, I lived in a fairly isolated rural area and attended a small school (only had 25 classmates up through 12th grade). My parents were ‘outsiders’ too–not really friends with my classmates’ parents; we attended church in town instead of in the neighborhood, etc. My parents were also introverts. I had one younger sister who always had an easier time with making friends.

    I had fleeting friendships and even had who I thought was a best friend in junior high that lasted about 2 weeks–she dumped me with the explanation of ‘I just wanted to see what it was like to be friends with you’, like I was an alien life form or something. Um…thanks?!

    As a result, I spent a lot of time to myself. I had a passion for books, music and deep conversation. No one I knew at my school shared these interests. Since I was introverted anyway, I became used to being on my own.

    It’s hard when you miss out on social developmental milestones, though. I didn’t have my first kiss until age 18, when I went to prom with a guy who was a family friend and to whom I wasn’t at all attracted. Then, I didn’t have another one until 10 years later, with my first boyfriend, a fellow loner who would become my husband.

    This lack of social skills (seemingly) followed me from high school to college. Despite a larger group of people in college, and despite me putting myself ‘out there’ to ask my dorm mates if I could join them for lunch, walking past their rooms to talk to them, my interest in them was never reciprocated. I never had someone stop by my open dorm room door to ask after me, or anyone call my room (this was before cell phones).

    I’ve been married 10 years now (no kids) and live in an even smaller town about 20 miles away from my hometown. My husband and I are each other’s best friends, but there are times I really would like at least one female friend who might share some of my interests.

    I had one female friend in this town for a few years who turned out to be a narcissist. After I spent her birthday with her, she called me the next day and accused me of bringing ‘negative energy’ to her job as a retail sales person, because she wasn’t doing so well and figured someone was bringing her negative vibes. (She was s devout believer in the book ‘The Secret and the law of attraction, to the point she’d sit me down to watch the DVD with her whenever I’d visit). So, that friendship ended rather unexpectedly and then she moved away.

    I met another potential friend for coffee one time, but after promising to friend me on Facebook and get in touch, I never heard from her again. The same thing happened with a third potential friend.

    Meanwhile, for the past five years, I had a best friend who I first ‘met’ online. We met in person twice in the past year; the first time went well, but after the second meeting (which I thought went well) she seemed angry with me, and sent me a couple of long e-mails pointing out all the reasons she had problems with me and said some extremely hurtful things, including that she had only missed me in our month of silence when she wanted to share a juicy celebrity fantasy of hers and had no one to tell it to.

    She said quitting me was like quitting an addictive high, like smoking. She accused me of being romantically interested in her (I’m bisexual and had a small crush on her a the beginning of our friendship, which she pointed out and was fine with a the time and it eventually dissipated and turned into a strong emotional connection, for me, at least).

    So, she asked some online friends of hers to weigh in on how they saw our friendship, based on minimal information (she says) she told them and they all accused me of being romantically interested in her (still). She thought I had intentions of seducing her if we kept meeting in person (despite the fact that we stayed very much apart from each other physically when we had met in real life and I never gave any indication, nor did I have a plan to do such a thing, since we’re both married).

    She said our friendship was not normal, way too intense, and exhausting for her (I just wish she would have told me she was feeling like this earlier). She accused me of being co-dependent and emotionally immature, and also mean to my husband for positioning myself as ‘superior’ to him in wanting to do more spontaneous things and him being more of a homebody. She told me that if he and I were in some sort of rut, it was half my fault and that he and I were more alike than different in this way. She accused me of misrepresenting myself to her online. (Incidentally, she also is an introvert and has a difficult time making friends She was the first to call me her best friend five years ago). So, coming as it did after all of these years, this attack on my character really hurt, so I basically said, ‘I hope you find a friend who meets all of your needs, and I wish you well.’

    We’re still Facebook friends, but have gone from talking multiple times every day for the past five years to absolutely no interaction. As mad as I am, and as sad as I am, it’s difficult to just wipe someone out of your life like that –especially when you didn’t instigate any of the argument leading up to it.

    So, I’m sitting here feeling blindsided. I guess I have a few acquaintances, both in real life and online, but no one who seems to want to extend a hand in potential friendship. I’m not religious so don’t go to church, but I work two public jobs where I interact with people quite a bit. I’m also not a parent so I don’t have mom friends, and I’m not into the bar scene.

    I don’t want to overwhelm people with my emotional intensity and turn them off right away to being my friend. I’ve talked to some people (a therapist, and co-workers older than me) about wanting a social life, and they say they don’t know why I struggle so much in this department; they think I’m friendly, warm and caring. I like to do little things to help people. I like to remember birthdays and send cards. I find myself craving an emotional connection with my friends, not just small talk and doing activities together now and then.

    So, I’m going to keep trying, but I’m more wary now than I used to be. Something about me seems to eventually sour people to me, even though people have told me I’m soft-hearted, kind, thoughtful and a good listener.

    Maybe some people are just meant to be mostly loners. I’m used to it, and can do it, but sometimes, it gets lonely inside my own head. While my husband offers some respite, even he’s not as into the same subjects and issues as me. Plus, having a female friend is a different energy, and a welcome outlet. But maybe it’s just not something I’m meant to experience in a healthy context.

    • Ben says:

      Enjoyed reading your post. I think there is pain in almost everyone’s life. After taking steps to look at my own ineffective ways of determining who’s a real friend and who is just a friend I get filled with sadness whenever someone I thought was a friend shows themselves to not really be a friend…

      • Ellie says:

        It is sad Ben, you’re not alone. I understand how you feel, especially if it’s over many years despite making the effort to open to opportunities and treating people well.

    • Teresa says:

      Hi I know exactly the way you feel! I wish I had the emotional kindship that you have with a good girlfriend which I haven’t had in many years. I recently had a falling out with two of my best friends one female and one male one femaleShe us a narcissist and he is bipolar . They are both very charismatic everyone loves them and she brags all the time she can get any man she wants and she did she got mine:( He started to treat me so bad one day nice next day like the devil) (very verbally abusive then the next day apologize ) But anyway I got sick of his mistreatment of me so I cursed him out and now he Hates me ! I’ve never experienced such awful treatment and now I’m dealing with this and my social anxiety I’m thinking about seeing a therapist. Did that help you? I’m having trouble sleeping and going to work because of his treatment of me and now I have no one to talk to at work it makes it very difficult for me Inhope you are doing well I hope I can get over this soon I’m scared I’m going to have a nervous breakdown

      • Rachel says:

        I know all of your feelings too well. I can godly relate to you all. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.

      • Ben says:

        What a coincidence.. I just dated a woman who is bipolar and a narcissist… It was very good as long as my ability to pay for everything and my willingness to please her was the rule of the day. Narcissists can’t handle the truth.

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