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Ask the Friendship Doctor

Why would someone have no friends?

There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.

QUESTION

Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?

Signed,
Amanda

ANSWER

Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity – Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style – Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Irene


Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS

Comments (3,552)

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  1. Nat says:

    I’ve been married47 years and I have to say It has been a waste of time. In all those years I’ve never had a friend who I could some go where with. Not to a strip club or anything dumb like that. If I go some place I get interigated ya know how tall what’s his weight, hair or no hair, smokes or not. I would like to have a guy friends to be with on occasion, No fishing trips to Alaska just some one to hang out with. If she doesn’t approve of me going out, she just makes me feel like an ass.Its like she worried I’m going with some lady, come on I’m 70 years old and unable to make any lady happy, I have a hard time making the wife happy let alone some one else. I’m forced to live under her umbrella its her way or the highway. BUt I let her go out with her friends all the time, I never ask who or where.

    • Terri says:

      Nat, that’s no way to live. If I were you I would sit her down and tell her that you’re not happy. Tell her why and let her know that if it continues and you’re not able to live your life the way you see fit, with friends etc., then though it may be hard, you will pick up your things and you will leave. Hoopefully that will scare her enough to loosen up the reins. Life is short. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? even if it’s only a bluff, hopefully it would get the point across. Please, if you think that she would call your bluff and you would be out on the street, then please do not take my advice. Only you know your wife. But for goodness sakes, you deserve the same respect you give her.

  2. Confused & alone says:

    I posted on this subject some time ago & for the life of me cannot find my comment. I am almost 30 , a single mother of two. I live with my mother because, my grandmother went into renal failure a few years ago. She now has advancing demintia. She raised my mental/ physically handicapped cousin who still lives with her. I moved back home in order to provide care for them both. It does not leave availability for a job outside the home. Despite my attempts over my life time to gain friends I have been mostly unsuccessfull. I have always been able to “find” “Friends” but, they never stick around long. My longest friend was over 8 years but, even she has since left. I am the suportive friend who people come to when the need a shoulder to cry on or advice. I do give upfront advice & tell the truth which is why I beleive my longest friend stopped talking to me. ( Her mother was unhappy with her choice to go into active duty military overseas. She left her kids with her mother for her 1 year 6 month tour and refused to give custody to the father. She was planning to go for another tour 3 years this time & came to me wanting me to agree with her decision & speak to her mother for her. I of course told her this was not fair to the grandmother or the children. That she couldn’t be deployed in another country & a custodial parent with her kids in the US. Plus, it was wrong of her to expect her mother to raise her children.) Anyways, despite all the “friends” I have had I tend to only hear from them when they have a problem or are upset. Recently all my friends have settled in relationships and although I make a valiant effort to keep in touch & even offer group activities I rarely if ever hear back from anyone. I do my best to be a great friend & am often told I am an awesome friend, the kind everyone needs. I guess it seems just that way to me, when they NEED me. I am now not able to even go out and meet new people but, also feel like there isn’t much a point as well. If I haven’t managed to find someone who loves me for me & not just what I can be for them in 30 years it really seems unlikely it would happen now. I am happy & some what content being alone. I have a lot of stress & expectations on me right now. Plus, I feel trapped being completely financially dependant on my mother. My car died (really no saving it) a couple years ago & we have been sharing a car since. I can’t afford anything! I couldn’t even get a job if I needed to bc, we live in the country with no public transportation & nothing within walking distance. I spend all day homeschooling my kids & caring for my grandmother who just repeats the same stories over & over. Is it really too much to ask for one good friend to pop open a bottle of wine and gab for one night a month? Well, there’s my rant! I don’t know what I can change to help myself. I don’t feel right advising others on here either when I am a complete failure at this whole thing myself. Book making the page this time so I can hopefully find my comment again.

  3. Terri says:

    Goodness gracious……touchy, touchy. Well, this is a public forum and I have a right to comment on ANY public post. The only reason I’ve posted to C.J. specifically is because when I was posting, he and Jen were the only ones posting. They are the only ones I have learned anything about so when I see them post, I might comment. As for the hateful response, I won’t post directly to you anymore C.J. You are an unappreciative little boy and I don’t have time to try to help someone with so little respect and graciousness. One final comment though, if you’re so happy and your “relationship” is so great, why do you always have so many hurt feelings and problems relative to it. My relationship never creates this kind of angst and constant need to get advice from random people you don’t know. Enough said.

    • C.j says:

      So because your relationship is flawless you don’t need any empathy and that gives you the automatic right to put me down, insult me, make me feel bad (when I might already be having an off day), criticize me and make me feel like dirt. Just take a look at the things you’ve called me or said about me. You are sarcastic, mean and condescending.

    • C.j says:

      Well, you were right. She hasn’t spoken to me in a couple of days. I dont know if it was something I said or did, or she finally got tired of things and gave up. But I can’t seem to stop crying now… I hope you’re happy, Terri! You’ve been telling me this all along, and now it’s happened. So, there you go.

      • C.j says:

        Tonight she came back online and she messaged me. Told me how much she loves me and misses me. Turns out I was just overthinking things. She was busy.

        • Terri says:

          Wow, you’re really something C.J. I wish she could see this stuff. First it’s my fault that it’s over and now you’re over the moon because you were “just overthinking things”. You can look forward to many more ups and downs like this. Good luck C.J. You’re going to need it in this “relationship”.

          • Terri says:

            CJ…this isn’t a dating site. People are on here with REAL problems finding friends and companionship. You are a narcissist that seems to only care about what is going on with you. Why don’t you go to a blog where people talk about their own romantic relationship failures ad nauseam. It’s not fair to consume the conversation with this problem of yours. I wish the moderator would come on here and tell you that it’s not appropriate to monopolize the conversation with this one thing…your on-line relationship problems. Every time someone comes on here and talks about their problem with making friends, you jump in with this crap. Stop it already. Please.

            • C.j says:

              I have stopped talking about it, but you’re the one who keeps going on about it, and insisting I’m wrong and stupid and blah. Maybe I just don’t care. Your rudeness and constant urge to push a point down my throat is doing less to convince me now, and more to annoy and irritate me. How about you mind your business and I’ll mind mine. And I changed subject once, you accuse me of changing it every time. When you’re the one who replied to me 20 times and couldn’t help yourself.

          • C.j says:

            Where did I say anything was your fault? I just said I hope you’re happy. You’ve been putting me down and treating me like a piece of dirt here. And I’m the one who’s really something? I do look forward to the ups and downs in life and the uncertainty in between. It makes things interesting. Always a pleasure talking with you, Terri. Always appreciate your warm, kind and helpful “advice”.

            • Terri says:

              C.J. this will be my last comment to you so please just drop it. You don’t have to have the last word. I HAVE tried to help you. If you ever noticed anything other than yourself, you would know that the advice I have attempted to give people is always what I consider to be honest and not sugar coated. You should have just ignored me from the beginning if you didn’t like that kind of advice. I’m not going to lie to you because it makes you feel better. I have never done anything other than try to make you see that one, on-line relationships don’t work out much of the time when people never meet each other and two, you could make better use of your time by trying to find the real thing where you live because you are still young. You never took my advice as it was intended but instead, chose to accuse me of putting you down and being mean spirited, which was never my intent, but instead to just wake you up. I’m sorry you think it’s ok to have the kind of ups and downs you are going through with this girl, but it’s not normal and it’s not healthy and it’s not a good relationship, no matter what you think. Maybe the fact that my relationship has been great for going on 12 years should make you see that possibly I know something with respect to this subject???? But you want to go it alone and just moan and groan and cry and complain when she doesn’t message you for 2 days and be an ungrateful little brat when your family wants to take you on a cruise for 8 days for your birthday because you won’t be able to contact this “fantasy” girl you have fallen in love with. So, be miserable, take up everyone’s time and energy on this blog looking for someone, anyone to tell you this is all normal. But do me a big favor, take it somewhere else. There are people in here who have REAL issues and problems with making connections with people in this world who could use some advice. And we don’t need to be bogging down this blog with this crap anymore.

              • Irene says:

                @CJ and @Terri,

                It’s easy for conversations online to get out of hand. Please end this dialogue between you which has diminishing interest to everyone following the thread. Thanks!

                Irene

              • C.j says:

                Yeah I heard you 1000th time. You bring this up more than me. And who am I stopping from posting here? Please tell me. Anyone can post here its not my blog. But this whole time I’ve been defending myself against your crude comments and insults. When I was asking Jen a question. I don’t know why I waste my time or energy with you.

                • Irene says:

                  @CJ I’ve asked you to please stop this argument. If you continue, I’ll have to remove your posts. Please cooperate. Thanks, Irene

    • Terri says:

      Yeah, this is my fault….lol.

  4. He Who Slayed God says:

    Let me tell u something, I’m going to go ahead and tell u that u don’t need friends in life, let me rephrase DONT NEED ANYONE, as long as u learn to be self aware of yourself and know who you are, you will be fine. Everyone is faceless,pitiful, evil and weak they rely on each other to forget how pitiful they are, they want to lie to themselves, they want to be better then they truly are, and they want to feel like they’ve done nothing wrong, but the world is faceless and fake everyone is blind, if you learn to see yourself for who you are, you will wake up and see how horribe the world is. And fend for yourself. Many people consider me a bad weed in society, but they are blind They do not see the truth. No one wants to exist to satisfy someone else they want self satisfaction. The real question is “do I want to satisfy others”, “do I want to sacrifice my lifespan to keep someone else happy” “while I am not”. “Or do I want to live a simple life of complete self awareness”

    • Confused & alone says:

      I suppose I can see your point. We’re not going to die without friends and in many ways friendships can be a, dare I say, burden. The fact is that it is in our very nature to be social. To desire companionship & support from others. I obviously, ( see my main post) cannot live without other people in my life. Most of the people in my life however, are dependent on me for support & care. I have been called a pessimist for my views of humanity but, I see people based on what I have been shown. I see myself as a realist, I have realistic expectations of people based on the history I have with people. Most people are selfish, it takes a strong determined person to over come that base nature of ours. Closing out the world and saying you are a ” lone wolf” & need/want no one else in your life is also be selfish & self fulling though. I have very much sacrificed my own ” happiness” for those I love & who need me. I am not perfect but, I do believe I am self aware. I can see the good & the bad in myself & work everyday to change what needs to change to bring those around me & myself more happiness & fulfillment in our lives. Wanting some one who is not my blood to like me, accept me, and stand by me is only wanting for myself what I also want for others. If you look at the world so bleakly you cannot blame others for reflecting that view back on to you. Not everyone is bad & ugly & not all of any one person is bad & ugly. It’s all in your perspective &. Faith in mankind. If I can care, empathize, love, and be loyal I cannot believe I there are not more people in the world who can & do as well.

  5. He Who Slayed God says:

    Let me tell u something, I’m going to go ahead and tell u that u don’t need friends in life, let me rephrase DONT NEED ANYONE, as long as u learn to be self aware of yourself and know who you are, you will be fine. Everyone is faceless,pitiful, evil and weak they rely on each other to forget how pitiful they are, they want to lie to themselves, they want to be better then they truly are, and they want to feel like they’ve done nothing wrong, but the world is faceless and fake everyone is blind, if you learn to see yourself for who you are, you will wake up and see how horribe the world is. And fend for yourself. Many people consider me a bad weed in society, but they are blind They do not see the truth.

  6. Teresa says:

    Read the conversations and relieved to know that I am not alone in this. Feeling much better now that I know that I’m not the only one who can’t seem to make or keep any friends / maintain relationships. Guess it really was my Anxiety issue that caused my character flaw and drove people away.
    Thank you all for this closure.

    • Confused & alone says:

      You saying it was a character flaw that drove people away is not being fair to yourself. True friends accept you I spite of your flaws. I have had many difficult friendships because, of anxiety & depressive issues my friends struggle with. It is not your fault that people walked away from you. A true friend will come to you & express issues that put a stain on your friendship and try to work with you to ease the problem so the friendship can survive. I however, cannot find other post about your situation. I can say the friendship I had with people with such conditions ended because, those people pushed me & others away. They made it impossible to maintain the friendship or asked directly for it to end. It is difficult to maintain friendship with people who are unable to empathize with your particular situation. Unfortunately, anxiety disorders are grossly misunderstood and under treated making it very difficult for those who suffer the illness to overcome it. Have you sought therapy for the anxiety? Group therapy has a higher success rate for long term treatment & management. Plus, you would meet people who are in your shoes & understand what you are feeling & dealing with. I feel for you, I used to suffer from anxiety disorder, crazy panic attacks, and still occasionally have issues with it. You can manage it though & you can find friends who understand it if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone. I wish you the best & hope I was some help & comfort to you.

  7. Juliana says:

    Hi my name is juliana I am 14 years old and I have a friend problem ever since 5th grade you see I am in middle school now so middle school is filled with drama constaly. But that’s okay I use to be with a pretty popular group but they thought I was too crazy so I got put in with a diffrent group of friends and I think this group is okay but I am getting. Pretty tired of being tossed around like a ball in a game of monkey in the middle

    Could any of you guys help ?

    • Jen says:

      Juliana don’t allow people to toss you around like that. Honestly I never really fit in anywhere I ever went. It didn’t matter what school, town, clique, we are talking about. The positive thing about it is you can try to blend in with whoever YOU want. It’s up to you.

      • C.j says:

        Jen, how are things going? How are things going with the boyfriend? I haven’t heard from my girl at all today. She said she wouldn’t have the internet until Monday. But she still usually uses her phone. So I’m a little worried. My heart has been aching all day today. We usually talk everyday, and I noticed she doesnt seem to care as much now or even say as much. I don’t know if she is losing interest in me. We haven’t said good morning for the past two days. I even mentioned chatting over webcam and she got upset. I don’t know why that would even upset someone. She says she’s too shy, plus she lives with her family and they always ask about me. I feel like we’re drifting apart some days and it hurts. She asked me if I could come there, and I wanted to, but my aunties booked a cruise for my birthday and didnt bother asking me if that’s what I wanted. I don’t even want to go. And I’m worried I wont be able to keep in touch with her on the ship in the ocean. She said she would wait for me, but it’s 8 days. I’m so frustrated. Everything seems to be going wrong!!

        • Terri says:

          CJ, I know you aren’t asking for advice to posting to me because I don’t tell you what you want to hear and you get that from Jen, but take my advice anyway….it’s time to move on from this “on-line” relationship you’ve got going on. Seriously, she is distancing herself from you, she doesn’t want to chat on web cam but she wants you to go there??????? Come on C.J., really? You don’t think that sounds weird. I mean, how many times have you made it pretty clear that things are standing in your way in terms of going to visit her? I know that you really won’t do that, so I’m pretty sure she does too. It’s easy to ask someone to do something you know has about a 1% chance out of 100% of happening. Time for find a real flesh and blood girl by you that you have a chance of developing something with. You could pursue this until you’re an old man, but why would you want to. There is a whole world out there waiting for you. Go get it and let this go for goodness sake. You may NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS, but you need to.

        • Terri says:

          And a couple more things C.J., there was someone trying to get advice and Jen reached out to her….it’s not right to start making things about yourself when you know Jen likes you and will respond, diverting her attention from the young girl who might need Jen’s advice. And look at the last part of your post. Are you serious? You have to go on an 8 day cruise (poor you :( ) and she tells you she will wait for you and you’re worried that she won’t because it’s 8 whole days. I’m going to be really hard on you right now because this post makes me know you REALLY need it and I like you (hard as it might be to believe right now)….You’re worried she won’t be able to wait for you, someone she’s never seen or met, for 8 whole days??????? Seriously????? That’s weird C.J. First off, people in good relationships, long distance or otherwise, could wait for each other for 10 times that long with no problem and secondly, you sound very desperate and that’s just not attractive.

          • C.j says:

            Oh shut the hell up Terri I’m really getting tired of your condescending crap now. I was talking to Jen, because she can relate to what I’m going through and here you are butting in again. All you know is what I’ve told you. So why don’t you just shut up and go away now? You sound like the person who gives up on a relationship and says “oh its too hard boo boo Hoo waah better call it quits”. There is nothing stopping me from getting on a plane and going to see her.

            • C.j says:

              I was just asking someone for advice and all you’ve done is jump down my throat. I feel a bit annoyed to be honest. And last time

              • C.j says:

                And you’re right I did divert attention here and want to apologize. It was rude and selfish of me. Thanks for mentioning that.

          • C.j says:

            Whats wrong with asking Jen for advice? How is her situation different? I’m sick of you attacking me and only me and I feel pretty targeted right now. I understand you have strong negative views on long distance relationships but thing is I really wasn’t asking for your opinion and I really don’t care. And another thing, I am sick of you banging on about “Just find someone else” if you love someone you at least want to try in a long distance relationship and that is what I’m going to do whether you like it or not. I would rather try than walk away and settle for what you call “normal”. Like I said you only know what I’ve mentioned and not 100% of the story or the specifics. So why don’t you just stop butting in right now and allow me to have a conversation with Jen? Someone that understands how my heart is feeling right now.

          • C.j says:

            So you think that because we haven’t met face to face that this is like a blind date? Once again, that’s your opinion. I still know a lot about her Terri. And I can’t prove that to you without sending a few things. I wouldn’t be in this if I thought she was lying to me. Ive found she’s been honest with most of the things she says. And what you’re saying I disagree with because long distance takes more effort to communicate, trust and share than face to face relationship. You don’t always know what your partner is up to and you need to at least feel a presence in each others lives.

        • Jen says:

          Hey CJ, there’s no boyfriend. I talk to a lot of people online, some conversations are more romantic than others. Unfortunately I have a hard enough time finding friends-online and in-person. Many people don’t turn out to be who you thought they are. I hope this isn’t the case with your online relationship. We’ve seen some worst case scenarios on the show Catfish. Are you friends with this girl on social media? I would just want to make sure the person is legit at this point, and then try no to worry about it. She’s probably just busy.

          • C.j says:

            Oh that’s a shame Jen. Yeah I know the kinds of conversations you mean you do have to be careful. You sound nice enough to me to have friends. You can usually tell after a while whether the person is dodgy but you do need to be careful. I know her on Facebook and her profile is legitimate with friends and family on there. You’re probably right maybe she is busy and might be back tomorrow. She did say she wouldn’t have the internet till Monday

          • C.j says:

            I just hope she isn’t sick of me Jen and will come back. She told me once she needed a commitment, she’s 32 and wants kids. And that maybe she is wasting her money on internet and time on me. We did have a minor argument before she went offline that night but she seemed fine. And I do message her a lot (probably too much). Maybe I’m overthinking things.

          • Terri says:

            Jen, be careful out there….you’re right. Lot’s of people are not what they seem.

    • C.j says:

      When you finish middle or high school in a few years time you’ll look back on this and see it for what it is. And none of it will matter then.

    • Danielle says:

      Juliana, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, pre-adolescent girls are all bitches. I don’t know why we do this to one another, but we pick on those of whom we are most jealous and drive them out of the flock. It’s a power play or some other innate instinct to make ourselves feel better. A girl can go from being the most popular, happy child to the most reviled, desperate young woman in a blink of an eye. You’re not crazy – and that’s not why your former friends stopped including you; something about you threatens them. You might be slightly prettier or slightly smarter or slightly richer – it could be anything.
      This has been going on forever – it happened in my day and it happened in my mother’s day – 65 years ago – and I’m sure it was happening 6500 years ago too.
      Know that YOU are fine. There is nothing wrong with you. I don’t suggest going back to the girls you used to call friends – because they’re really not worth your time if they are going to play these games (and they’ll play this game with each other too – lots of hurt feelings will come yet) – but I do suggest you think about what you like to do (sports? crafts? rocketry? It doesn’t matter what it is…) and find other girls – and boys! – who also like to do it. If you love sports but are uncoordinated, invite some kids to watch a hockey or baseball game on television. Tell your parents how important this is to you and ask for their support – pizza, popcorn and a little privacy from the parental units will let you be yourselves. If you’re into something you think is geeky, talk to a teacher about starting a club around it – and maybe you’ll find that there are other kids at your school who are interested but are also too embarrassed to say so – or do anything about it.
      This time in your life will pass. If I could do it all again, I’d thumb my nose at the whole lot of them and proudly do my own thing. I lost a lot of time trying to be what others wanted me to be. I was a very popular little girl who was made into a pariah for being a little bit pretty and really smart. I ended up doing my own thing – but alone. PLEASE try to find others who like the things you do – and know that any adult worth his or her salt will help you to move things along (without appearing to do so).
      When other kids see how happy you are doing the “crazy” stuff – and how much fun it appears to be – they’ll join you – though it may take another 5 years (which will fly by). Don’t live to please others. Find what makes you happy and do it!
      Only best wishes,
      Danielle

    • Confused & alone says:

      Middle school is so rough! I remember my years there, I hung out with a cpl of trouble makers. By highschool I figured out I didn’t really fit into any one group at school. The thing is some people are able to get along with many crowds and fit in with many people. The goal for you should be find the group ( not the clique) who uplift you and give you what you want from a friendship. On the flip side, make sure you are giving it all back and being the best friend you can be. My BFF from middle school spread rumors about me after our split. I knew so many thing about her, I could have crushed her but, I didn’t say a word. I held my head high & kept being the friend I wanted to have, to her. She ran into me as an adult a few years ago. She apologized and said she had never forgot how I never said an ill word against her all that time. She said she realized what a great friend I was too late. It matters how you treat people. Be upfront & let people know you are looking for long term friends so the ones who are shallow will be less likely to lead you on. The fact is middle school friendships rarely last a life time but, some do. Only because, those people want the same things from the friendship & make sure to provide that to their friends & receive it back from them. I wish you the best my dear. Remember, your school years are only a short time in your life but, the person you become there will be the person you live the rest of your life with. Be you & love who you are!!!

    • Confused & alone says:

      I replied but, it posted bellow Daniel’s comment fir some reason.

  8. Be Nice says:

    Did you ever wonder whether rating our acceptability by comparing ourselves to others might be part of the problem?

    I have to laugh when I see people on facebook with 1000’s of “friends?” can you truly have 1000’s of “friends?”

    One thing I am definitely grateful for is to know I am not the only one who suffers with this.

    It has taken a lifetime to gain some good “self-esteem” and not buy into everyone’s perspective of how I “should” be.

    There is a lot of pain to change from being a extroverted people pleaser to gaining insight and shifting to being a more wise “self-actualized” human being.

    Life is full of pain (and joy) and some people have external wounds and some of us carry internal wounds. I wouldn’t be at the place I am now if it weren’t for all the choices I have made. “You never know what you’re going to get…

    • Beth says:

      I agree with this, i think we try to please others too much sometimes

    • C.j says:

      You will find you won’t get happiness in life from trying to make other people happy. I know some people who are chronic people pleasers and they are always miserable. The only happiness you get in life is from making yourself happy, and not letting other people control what you do, think, see or feel.

      • Jen says:

        True no 2 people are exactly alike. That’s why you always have to be you. Sometimes being introverts like us can actually be a good thing. :)

        • C.j says:

          I hate how people are so close-minded these days, fake, and always follow and do what other people do or think. Like a flock of sheep. Especially with social media like Facebook and Twitter. You’re right, I’d rather be an introvert than extrovert any day. But I think that life as a confident, outgoing extrovert would be a lot easier even though it would have its ups and downs.

          • Nyli says:

            I am an extrovert. I am always up for fun. I am generous and let people talk about themselves.
            I moved to a new state 20 years ago and have no friends. The only people attracted to me are those who are very needy and I am a sure bet.
            I am lonely and wonder what is wrong with me.

          • Tarek f says:

            I did not know I only thought that basically everyone is fake. And it seems like cause you know this, people don’t want to be around you cause they avoid the truth. People can change and be better and caring like what I try my best to be. I used to be the nicest kid ever but you learn growing up through school and other situations that you have to hide your emotions and toughen up.
            Luckily I do have good friends cause im not socially awkward or anything. Rather have 1 good friend than a 1000 fake ones. But at the same time it makes me mad how people think they’re big shot having tons of fb friends, insta followers and getting a bunch of likes for their bs. It feels the do it to show off, not being genuine.
            Aw man I think we just over think this all and just drive ourselves crazy.
            Sometimes writing your feelings out makes you feel better though…

            • C.j says:

              Couldnt agree more, Tarek. Yeah I reckon 1 good friend is better than 1000 facebook ones too. I can relate Haha! In the end like Facebook is just something we use to keep in touch with people. And if people have like 1000 friends on there they probably dont know all of them.

  9. Varun Heera says:

    As it was a lot if fun and it us a lot of fun and it has to be a lot of with it

  10. Beth says:

    Hi :)

    I’m Beth I’m 19 (20 in 2 days). sometimes it just seems like I always try the hardest in friendships. I always seem to have friendships that last a couple of years but then end. I had a best friend through high school but then she turned on me and started threatening me and coming round throwing stuff at our house. I have 4 close friends at the minute but none of them seem like best friends. Its like i’m always the one suggesting to go out.I’m single so I don’t have a boyfriend neither.
    my mum is like my best friend who i love with all my heart, some of my friends seem t think I shouldn’t be as close to her as I am but to be honest shes the one that is always going to be there.
    People say that friends can be the best family but in my situation family can be the best friends!

    • Alex says:

      Hi i know how you feel. The same thing happens to me. I am 18 (19 in a months time) and have no friends. the girl i’m frinds with at the moment, is ok, but doesn’t seem like she really wants to be my friend and is only being my friends with me, just to have someone to hang around with. Plus, she is going off to another university, so i doubt she’ll keep in touch. She never seems to make the effort in some conversations. I will be starting a HND course soon, and all the people in my class, aren’t really people to i ‘click’ with, so i’m going to be really lonely. I am too close to my mum, but in the future, would like a small group of friends, to go travelling with and such!

      • Beth says:

        Thats what i Mean people seem to just use me when they have nobody else. Yeah it is nice to get attention and feel wanted off people other than family sometimes. I’m from england and would love to visit the USA and i dont have a problem with going with my mum but it would be nice to have friends to go with aswell.
        I will be starting my new job on june the 1st and i’m a bit worried about fitting in but hopefully the people will be nice and friendly. I hope you make new friends or find somebody you click with on your new course Alex!

        • Alex says:

          Thanks, same, I would too love to travel, i don’t mind travelling with my mum, but would love to travel with a few friends.I am also too starting my new job this week. Good luck with yours!

      • Cynthia says:

        Have lots of female friends of all ages gradually you’ll find you have a core group who you see regularily and fulfill different roles in your life, The young teen who you get to mentor, the peer you go to movies with, the young married mom who needs a life line to the outside world and an occasional babysitter, the girl two years old who’s new to town or you ask for advice on classes or study routines/or groups, or knows who to avoid and who to can mentor you. The middle aged lady at the library who reminds you of your mom cause she always reminds you never to walk home alone in the dark or has great advice about guys in other years. Its all about building your support group and become part of other peoples support groups. If you have a religious affiliation, make sure to connect with your local affiliate they are almost always a source of support and if your not happy where you were maybe its time to look into other kinds.

    • C.j says:

      You’re right, Beth. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes family is the best company.

    • Emily says:

      Hi Beth!

      I feel like I’m in the same shoes as you right now. I’m 22 and currently studying for a Postgraduate qualification in Archaeology. I’ve had close friends over the years but I’ve either been dumped (usually in favor of boyfriends) or friends have moved away and started other lives and we just drifted apart. I have a few close friends but no boyfriend at the moment. Like you I also spend the majority of my time with my family. If you ever need to talk (I know sometimes its just nice to have someone to chat to about anything) feel free, totally hoping I don’t sound creep right now..

      • Beth says:

        Wow archaeology, sounds interesting? …yeah i have a few close friends but they have boyfriends so they tend to be with them alot. Not having aboyfriend isnt a big thing but sometimes its just nice to feel wanted or have someone there, plus everyone seems to be in relationships lately!
        Hahah you don’t sound like a creep. It is nice to have someone to talk to so same goes :)

  11. Northern_Guy says:

    I have few friends (I am male, 44) because:

    – I have OCD/OCPD and I need to have a lot of control over things in my life. I think to have lots of friends, you need to be more flexible and agreeable and not have too many hang-ups.

    – I tend not to get close with people. The few friends I have are kept somewhat distant – we don’t really confide in each other much or see each other often.

    – I get panic attacks and I am agoraphobic. I don’t travel or go on amusement park rides or drink or smoke or use drugs and I don’t like crowds or extremely noisy places. I don’t even like smaller parties that much where lots of mingling is required. This is quite limiting and most people think I am too “homebody/boring” (and I guess I am).

    – Strangely, I think having male friends is a liability when trying to meet women for romantic reasons. I like to operate alone, and seem to do better that way. I tend to only have “pals” when I am single. Lately, I don’t see my pals hardly at all.

    – I don’t like “keeping up with the Joneses” or following fashion or other trends so this puts off people who are into that stuff. We just don’t mesh and never will.

    – I speak my mind and don’t tolerate BS which is great, but sometimes people like to get a pat on the head or people to agree with them, or sometimes just hang out with someone who doesn’t have an opinion on everything! I am trying to be less opinionated.

    – I am (surprisingly) quite good socially, and have no trouble with conversation or meeting people (although I tend to avoid most social interaction). I seem to be quick to forget names and I rarely follow up on meeting again once I meet someone once. I have no desire to *make* new friends, and even if I go through the motions and try, they don’t tend to stick.

    In the end, I’m really not such a great person (I have quite a few defects of character) and I have way too many problems! lol. That’s why I don’t have very many friends!

    But I still try and care about people and do nice things for people, or my community, when I can. I’m not an evil or mean person, I’m just neurotic and weird! :)

    • Peter says:

      “I’m just neurotic and weird!”

      I had to laugh at that because that’s my conclusion about myself.
      In fact, I felt that I had wrote that whole piece.
      One thing that has helped me all my life is laughter. I love to joke around and will grasp at opportunities and wring the hell out of them for every drop of levity that I can.

      • dennis says:

        One I belive is that who ever likes you will always do and having friends who dnt give a f..k about how you feel is like thread on a road to no where with bags hanged on. I believe with time things will widen out, if your money is your best friend that is because she is always here for you band that is what friends do for each other and belive me that what ever it is. There is someone out there who will take a bullet from you.. I want everybody to be happy and that is the reason why I am alive… for my mum, most priority for my dad and family for you all if you wishes to be my friend.

    • C.j says:

      I think I have agoraphobia too.. I really effing hate it!! I am terrible scared about traveling. It’s like a constant fear. I wish there was drugs I could take because I cant deal with this anymore.

      • Jen says:

        Hey CJ, sorry to say I think we have this in common too. I’m sorry. I know how limiting it makes life. I think if we had a travel companion it might be easier. I hope we can both eventually conquer this anxiety, even if we have to be medicated to do it.

        • C.j says:

          You too, Jen? Yeah it does suck. I’ve been getting chest pains, panic attacks and I’m sick of it. I always try to hide it from other people. Yeah I can travel with family or someone I know, but not on my own. I’ve tried therapy, and benzos and alcohol. But you never get rid of anxiety.

          • Jen says:

            Yeah it’s like this fear of being engulfed by nothingness. It’s defined as a fear of open spaces. I feel it more if I’m in unfamiliar territory. It’s like a fear of getting lost or losing control. I start sweating and panicking. Having a GPS doesn’t even always help because sometimes they’re wrong. The drugs like benzos just make me sleepy but still anxious. A lot of it has to do with our thoughts. I know how limiting it can be. I understand your online relationship too. Don’t let other people judge you because they don’t get it. Lots of people meet online. I think you sound like a great guy though. Even I was interested in an online relationship with you! Now I know you’re taken. I’ll settle for an online friend though.

            • C.j says:

              Yeah you’re so right about that. I think I get that sometimes too. Like if I’m somewhere different or whatever I will start to feel lost and alone, or like something bad will happen. Yeah Benzos did the same for me, made me tired and didnt really help much. Changing thoughts and breathing are supposed to help with anxiety or so I’ve heard. Thank you, Jen. I’m glad someone does. My family are negative as well, but they did say she’s really pretty and looks like a nice girl. I was going to say yes to you, Jen. But then this happened. But yeah I really would like that.

              • Terri says:

                Well Jen, it’s for the best since you have a new boyfriend anyway, right? And I assume this relationship is “in person” instead of online? I hope so for your sake. BTW….we are not trying to criticize C.J. for having an on-line relationship. But I mean, really….you two met on this blog and it sounds like you were both ready at one time to start something with each other. I just don’t see how two people that meet on a blog like this one (which just FYI, is not supposed to be a dating site) can both be somewhat dysfunctional socially and think it’s ok and normal to meet and start a relationship online. It is ok, but it’s definitely not healthy. I”m sorry, but that’s just the way I see it. And I don’t think I’m the only one. People like you that encourage people NOT to try to develop relationships that can lead possibly to a future, are not doing them any favors. JMHO.

                • C.j says:

                  I meant as friends. I wouldn’t go through an online relationship again, it’s emotionally exhausting and can be pretty heartbreaking if it doesn’t work out. Not only do I have depression when it feels helpless, anxiety when I’m not sure about things, heartache because I have feelings for her. But I also get embarrassment and depression when trying to explain this abnormal situation to people, and hoping they wont react with anger, sarcasm, ridicule and negativity. It hurts because I love her and you dont choose who you fall in love with. And I think Jen was trying to make me feel better and cheer me up a bit. And she did. Thanks for saying I sound like a great guy too, Jen. You sound like a great person as well.

                • C.j says:

                  A few years ago, I dated an Asian girl at work. It was my first love. And it lasted about 6 months. When suddenly her Visa expired and she had to go back home. And she promised that she would keep in touch with me. I dropped her off at the airport. She asked me online if I would visit Taiwan and said she would treat me like family, and I didn’t go because my parents were having a whinge (I was 25 years old) and my mum didn’t like her because she was Asian. I said I couldn’t but really wanted to, and she cut off contact with me by ignoring me, and I never heard from her again. I was hurting for ages, didnt want to get out of bed or go to work because it reminded me of her. I had no one to talk to about how I felt. And all the support I got from my own family was “cheer up” or “find someone else”. At least the people where I worked were understanding and allowed me some time off. They asked me if I was alright, and said I looked like I hadnt shaved or showered. I tried to fill my life with other things, video games, alcohol or doing hobbies but it felt like there was no meaning. I bought her a gold chain before she left but she didnt take it, it was sitting around the house for ages. After a while, I gave it to my mum for mother’s day present. Maybe this has something to do with what I’m going through now.

    • savannah says:

      I think you might be an INFP (myers briggs) and they are the fewest on the planet and have the hardest time with life in general..can I just say you might try a different focus, instead of listing your deficiencies (real or imagined) look at them as equations to solve, and find the solution to the equation. It might give a bit more control and self esteem. This is YOUR journey, find a way to embrace that, and who cares what others think….

  12. EDs ruled my life says:

    I’ve had a difficult time making friends because of my eating disorders. It’s something that you cannot hide from people and at the time I did not want to stop the EDs but I also wanted to make friends. EDs make you very emotionally and you’re so up and down and people get very uncomfortable. So I decided to keep my EDs, block other people out, and now years later I am recovered from the EDs, 40 years old and friendless because I don’t know how to make friends.

    • Jane says:

      Someone taught me 2 things a long time ago: 1) In order to have a friend you have to be a friend. And, 2) not everyone you meet is going to be your friend. You have to keep trying and trying and trying until you meet the one person that you have things in common with. And yes, most people don’t give back and only think about themselves so if you find someone like that, move on and look for a new friend.

      The best way to find a real friend is to find something you love and then join a club or group (not an internet club or group but a physical real world one) filled with people who also like that same thing. It’s without a doubt the best way to find people who have your same interests and values. And then you need to take the step of finding someone and asking them to do something – like get coffee or have lunch to talk about the common interest. It’s awkward but you need to do it. You can’t wait for someone to ask you (although they might!).

      And, if you are always the one instigating the contact, or if the conversation doesn’t go anywhere the person is not a good fit. Move on and spend your energy on finding someone else to hang out with. The key is to rid yourself of people who are too much work and move on until you find a good fit with your personality. It’s hard work but when you find the person who has the same humor and values as you do, it’s worth it!

      • Terri says:

        Jane best post I’ve seen on here. Every single thing you have written I agree with. Bravo

      • C.j says:

        You don’t even have to join a club or group. You could just get a new job somewhere or volunteer or whatever.

      • savannah says:

        Life is defined by YOUR OWN choices, after all it is no one else’s journey so why give heed to their take on YOUR journey. Fill it with things that make you grow, inspire your creativity, and when you learn something new-share that with others. If you aren’t choosing it, then stop and ask why are you letting others dictate what happens TO you. We all arrive on the planet with nothing, exit the same exact way, the time in between is for discovery, so mingle with those that help you grow and expand, if they are not adding to your life in some positive way, WHY are you keeping them around as cargo??? Baggage works two ways, you have carry on, or stored…why pay storage is my point, let them pay their own way and travel elsewhere, ha.

  13. Tom says:

    Honestly wanna hear a sad truth no one will ever admit out loud? people say they care and maybe to some extent they do but not enough to put effort out. i mainly only have facebook friends. i dont have any real live friends that check on me care or even give a crap. im 43 years old i am from Gloucester City New Jersey. i was a target from birth my own father tried to kill me cause he didnt want a child. my life has been a series of horrible disasters like the first one i just mentioned. i suffered a lot in life. i lost my mom and dad. without going in to my big sad story. lets just say its horrifying. one thing i learned threw all i lost. no one cares at all. people claim too but no follow threw. i sit alone every day every nite wondering why i was a target in life. i never had a police record. i was always the good guy but it never matters. but to this day i help people and never once is anything ever given back. in the end people are as horrible as my dad only difference there tool to hurt me wasnt a bottle that i was hit with so hard at birth that if fused two bones in my neck but its the fact peoples tool is ignore. if u ignore it it aint true.

    • Jen says:

      Location may have something to do with it. I live in the same area, and I have the same problem. I know people that have moved outta this area (of course they didn’t go alone, so they already had at least a significant other) and they say the people there are nicer than the ones they used to know. I’m sorry about your painful memories. I have a lot of those too. I try to stay in the present moment and meditate so I don’t think about it.

    • Britni says:

      So very true, feel the same way.

    • jessica says:

      I’m sorry that you’ve had a hard life. I recently read a scripture from the Bible that said Jesus was a man of many sorrows and one that people would not want to be acquainted with. Its interesting, His life was just as it was so that He could identify with the poor and the brokenhearted. With people who really suffer. I don’t know if you have any knowledge of the Bible, but if you don’t, I encourage you to look into it. Your life might be changed for the better! Take care. I’m really sorry for what you’ve gone through.

    • Sonia says:

      Tom you seems like good person, and you seem like you’ve been through alot as well. i hope you will find a real, caring and loving ‘someone’ in your life, who may become your best friend in the future, just have a faith in it.

      And if you need someone to talk with, contact me any time.

      God bless you.

  14. Jaden says:

    I am 15 years old and I do not have a single friend. It’s actually very depressing to think about so I try not to but, in moments such as this when I am alone its hard not to notice. I’ve never been bullied or particularly hated its almost as if I don’t exist. During my middle school days I had my first close friend I had of course communicated with others but, this was when i was old enough to go out with my friends alone. At this time I lived far away from my close friend over an hour driving even though we attended the same school (a magnet school for children with good grades but’ not in the school district to attend). In my general area there are no “magnet” high schools so I was forced to go to the one in my school district a small down pitiful high school. we eventually grew apart from lack of communication and her moving on with her life and finding other close friends. It was fine though some people actually remembered me from elementary school but’ it was hard to fit in with people i had not seen in so long. Everyone became the type of person you always say hello to in passing but, very few associated with me on a daily basis and even those never thought to call me or invite me to any events. I eventually got tired of being alone and watching others around me group together and laugh if i tried to join in it seemed like conversation would dwindle rather quickly and everyone would find something else to do. I started an online school this school year (my 10th grade year) and the only people I ever see are my family; I have a wonderful loving family but, I have not talked to someone my own age in 8+ months. I have no idea why no one wanted to talk to me before. My phone number has not even changed and only two people even asked what happened to me and they only checked once. I have tried contacting others: I must admit I don’t do so regularly because I do not want to bother them. I’m normal. I’m not fat. I’m not ugly. I’m not super annoying (this is the first time I have vented all of my feeling about this subject). I don’t do a bunch of weird things. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor. I’m not great but’ I dont suck either. I honestly just do not understand it I guess I simply do not click with other teenagers. I sound so pathetic to myself its kinda hilarious. Writing something like this is so unlike me it just shows how fed up I am with being ignored. Wow I just realized how long this is…. XD

    • Amy F says:

      Hey Jayden. I. So sorry you feel so alone. You might be surprised how many teenagers feel like they are the type people say hello to in passing and that the friendliness ends there. I can only imagine how isolated you must feel doing online school. Are there classmates, teachers or counsellors at your school you can talk to in order to find out how they’ve overcome loneliness? They might have some suggestions for getting our and meeting others or contacts for other online schooling students. If they don’t, maybe you could start your own Facebook group for other homeschool kiddo you can share and meet new friends that way.
      As someone who is homeschooled, are you able to participate in clubs or sports for the public school where you live? That could be another way to meet friends.
      You said that only 2 people reached out to ask what happened. Maybe others felt hurt than you never told them when you were switching schools. Sometimes girls forget that their peers could also have similar insecurities. A great friend once told me “the phone works both ways.” Why not call one of your former classmates and suggest plans for this weekend or next. The worse she can say is no.
      Good luck.

      • Jaden says:

        Thank you! I hope we both find great friends in the future and I’m glad I am not the only one who sucks at being social.

    • Sophe says:

      Hey Jayden! Im sorry you feel that way, but youre not the only one. I feel exactly like you do. I mean, im kind of introverted and dont talk too much, so its difficult for me to connect with people. I know i dont know you, but by how you write and the way you express yourself i can know youre a great, fun to be with person! I think what our problem is, is that we don’t have enough confidence in ourselves, you know? Maybe we should just need to be more confident about ourselves, try and talk to people, beat the fear of doing or saying something ‘foolish’. I know you feel lonely and all, but youre not. You made me notice that. There are lots of people who feel the same way as us. Lets find them out. Have a nice day! Im 18 btw:)

    • Sarah says:

      I can completely sympathize with you, I only have one very close friend who I have know since 8th grade (two years), I pushed my other friend, let’s just call her R, because of my severe depression back in my freshman year. Things are getting better however, I am trying to communicate with her again and I am taking medicine now. My advice to you is to not be so hard on yourself, a lot of how you think you may be or seem to others is probably just in your head, I assure you that everyone(especially at our age) is so worried about how they look to others that they don’t even notice how your belt doesn’t match your socks, or how you forgot to brush your hair (just examples)! Additionally, look up how to build self-confidence and how to start conversations, I have read some really good articles here and there (like wikihow haha). Furthermore, a lot of how others view us is by what we put out (our vibe) which comes from what is going on within us. That person who sits in the back of the classroom with their arms crossed and earbuds in all the time? They may give off the “stay away from me” vibe. Do you see what I mean? So maybe try to think of what persona you give off and whether it’s a negative or positive one (you can also ask your family. Hope I helped a bit, I really enjoy giving advice, best of wishes! :)

  15. Lizzie says:

    I’m a 22 year old female with literally no friends and I’m a social recluse and I live in a small town in a rural area of Ireland with my parents (moved here from England 2 years ago) which in itself is isolating) excluding two people I met on Habbo Hotel in 2007 who I still chat to every now and again in our little private facebook group, but have still never met in person, mainly because one lives in the Philippines and the other, England, and we’re not always ‘close’ enough to make arrangements.

    In my case I used to be a social butterfly as a child, I had lots of friends in primary school and in my neighbourhood, including a very close best friend at 10/11 who I used to always be with, and it’s a friendship I still sometimes mourn losing to this day, 11 years later, it was a lad who fell out with me for no reason one day and became a pr!ck, he was in my class/tutor group throughout 5 years of secondary school. I had no real friends in secondary school and got bullied quite badly, and drifted from the few friends I did have, therefore I became totally alone from age 14 onwards. I never made those key/usual friendship/emotional developments as a teen and young adult, like hanging out with friends to go down town, to the cinema, and experimenting with alcohol/weed, clubbing, going abroad on holiday etc and I never had a real-life boyfriend or any romantic, and still haven’t to this day (I’m a virgin and never been kissed lol). The closest thing I had to ‘friends’ in school and college were acquaintances I sometimes spoke to during the day and the odd text or MSN/Skype chat, and that’s as far as it went.

    I had to substitute my lack of friends and social life by joining online games and forums and speaking to people over the internet, but I know it’s just not the same. I’ve gone through stages of depression, being suicidal, self-harm and I’ve developed social anxiety, and I’ve become so used to my own company and just that of my family and the odd acquintance, that I really don’t know if I can handle friendships or relationships as much as I’d love to have a boyfriend with similar interests who loves me and talks to me a lot, and vice versa, I’m sure I’d be perfectly content with just that…

    • Darlene says:

      Hi Lizzie,

      I am so sorry you feel so alone. I’ve read quite a few posts from people who got derailed by certain events, like bullying. You are definitely not alone. :)

      You also sound really bright and insightful, that is a huge advantage. I have to say, based on some of the things you’ve been through, that you may want to consider seeing a therapist. That may be a really helpful way to jump start this process.

      A lot of people have benefitted from taking up hobbies, where it is likely to meet people you have things in common. You can pick things that are a bit more low key, so as not to overwhelm you all at once. You could also check out meetup and sites like that. Best of luck to you!

    • Jen says:

      Hey Lizzy, maybe you’re right. I just lost the one friend I had. You think you know someone, and then all of a sudden they turn on you! It’s okay though since I’m dating someone now. It kind of replaces my loss with someone even better.

    • Jen says:

      Hey Lizzie, maybe you’re right. I just lost the one friend I had. You think you know someone, and then all of a sudden they turn on you! It’s okay though since I’m dating someone now. It kind of replaces my loss with someone even better.

    • Steve says:

      Hi Lizzie.

      I’m 22, Male and from London.

      What you said has reminded me of my past and made me re-analyses my whole life up to now. We have a lot in common, but a lot that separates us like our current desires. I currently desire someone to love and share my life with and a revamp on my end goal, which is how I hope to live out my life once I complete a few important goals. I tend to be really direct and live my life the way I want, which a lot of people find weird.

      I won’t tell you a heart wrenching story, since I already spent the past three hours writing up my history to say to you, which I chose not to, since it’s already what you said, only different in a few technicalities and really long. 

      We could communicate if you’d like? I know that I could use someone whose been through what I’ve been through. Maybe we could help each other understand everything?

      [Sorry, Steve, your email address was removed because this blog is focused on discussion of friendship rather than on linking people like dating or other match sites.]

    • C.j says:

      I know how you feel.

      Someday I will find someone that wants me… And then I will start being a happy person, lift them up onto my unicorn’s back, and we’ll ride over the rainbow to our pot o’ gold and live happily ever after! And then I’ll wake up with a hangover and a bird pecking my eyes.

  16. M.Dr says:

    I have no friends, family seems to think I’m uninteresting, and many people look down on me. Even if I meet family that I haven’t seen in years, they seem more interested in their phones than conversation.
    That is the way of it. Some of the only people who I have been able to relate to are homeless people, maybe its because they aren’t in a position to judge.

    But there are other good people too, not necessarily homeless of course that do treat you with respect once in a blue moon.
    When you meet someone who treats you with true respect and is genuine in that respect, it is a great feeling and you wish them the best in life in your heart.
    Unfortunately, a life spent without friends has the effect on your social skills, so you end up blowing most first encounters – even with special people.

    I’ve tried many things to improve my life, and I think always there has been that feeling inside of wanting to be acknowledged and respected with all these ‘self improvement’ endeavours. Whether it would be getting heavily into athletics, trying to make yourself look better, etc. it doesn’t seem to make any difference at all – sometimes (most of the time) I feel like because of my small height for a man, I lack confidence and women think little of me.
    I’ve even left my country of origin a few times, trying to make a better life for myself, but that never worked out and I always came back in worse condition than before.

    Over the past few years I have been fluctuating with a relationship with God, sometimes strong, sometimes not at all. But at the end of the day it always seems like I have only one friend and that’s Him, and I mean that perfectly truthfully, its hard to describe but its a feeling in your heart you heart feels is true. Through very hard emotional suffering and many things which I’ve held silently alone and went through totally alone, I know God has been there with me.
    At the end of the day, that’s all we really have in our poverty.

    That’s my little writing about my experience with friendship, or lack thereof.

    • C.j says:

      Thanks for sharing M.DR. I think you will make friends in time. I have one friend, who i usually see on weekends. And that’s about it. Have known him for a few years. I used to have more but they got girlfriends or new jobs or moved to different places overseas or just fell off the radar. The older you get the harder it is to make friends I think.

    • Chrissy says:

      M.Dr.,There are a couple of things you said that I can relate to. You talked about your social skills are greatly compromised due to long standing friendlessness. That’s definitely something I wrestle with and also have relayed this to the Lord. LOL. At the end of the day. At the beginning of the day. The Lord is my closest and most reliable friend. People have come and they have gone, but the Lord has always been the One who remains faithful. The Lord loves us even when no one else seems to. One scripture the Lord has engraved within my heart is Blessed are the “poor in spirit” for theirs is the kingdom of God. All eyes on Jesus.

  17. Helena says:

    I lived in the big city for 2 years. I worked in a small office with a bunch of people much older than me and made no friends. Now I work in a big office with a lot of fun, younger people who are mostly new in town and my social calendar is super full (I’ve even made a new “best” friend!).

    Making friends is hard because you need:

    1) To meet people who want to make new friends. People who are in comfortable relationships and living in communities where they grow up aren’t usually looking for new friends. This is what makes friendship trickier as you get older

    2) Repeated accidental contact. With dating you make appointments to get to know each other. With friendship, you need to be in an environment where you meet repeatedly eg. church, work, neighbourhood, school.

    3) somebody has to invite somebody somewhere. With adult friendships, there usually needs to be some kind of defined step between being friendly acquaintances and friendship.

    4) people with common interests. Close friends are very hard to find. Regular friends somewhat easier to find.

    • Darlene says:

      Nice summary Helena! Your point about repeated contact is why joining an activity is so valuable, there is opportunity to see some of the same people over and over. I would add that it seems like for every activity a person joins, over time you will make one or two friends that ‘stick’ and a several other friendly acquaintances. I moved to a new town only a few years ago and that seems to be how it worked for me, anyway. It doesn’t take that long to add up to a really nice social circle.

    • Sandy says:

      #1 is spot on!

  18. C.j says:

    Broke up with my online girlfriend of 3 months today. I really feel terrible! The stress and pressure of long distance just makes it so hard. I don’t know if I did the right thing either. We had so much in common. I still love her and doubt I will find anyone like her again. The pain in my chest hasn’t stopped. And I have no one to talk to about how I feel. Feels like I’m dying..

    • Terri says:

      CJ, did you ever meet this girl? Please find a girlfriend where you live that you can actually see, date, get to know. I know it is hard for you to socialize, but until you go out there and put yourself on the line, you won’t get past finding people in the internet and talking via a keyboard. You can only get to know someone to a point online. Ever hear of cat fishing? It’s a big thing right now. How do you even know if the person you think you are in a relationship with the person you believe you are in one with. You said long distance. What do you mean? Have you really met her and can only communicate online because you live far away from each other, or never met at all? Another thing, of course you will find someone else. And you are NOT dying, just sad. Time heals all. Find a girl you can actually have a real relationship with. That might easier said than done, but if you don’t go out and try, it will never happen. You deserve more than a keyboard and computer screen. Have y’all ever even skyped or face timed?

      • C.j says:

        She is the real deal. We’ve shared every detail of our lives, talked on camera etc. I’ve seen photos of her family, friends etc. She knows i am jobless and she has never asked for money. She lives in the philippines, i live in Australia i can even prove it’s not a scam. But im too heartbroken to look at anyone else. I dont want to go through rejection and pain. I can hardly find anyone who is single around here. But i agree i need to get out there more

      • C.j says:

        Will this pain ever go away and can i still be friends with her in future?

        • Terri says:

          Well, the pain will go away. If you’ve talked on camera, and you’ve seen her than good. But why did you have to break up with her if you’re so heartbroken about it? You don’t have to prove anything, except to yourself. There are no single Aussie’s? That’s too bad. I think Australians are my favorite guys, except my b/f of course. LOL. CJ, maybe you should rethink this break up. And if not, you have no choice but to be a big boy, and realize everyone goes through this….everyone and just deal with it, move past it, and start again. It’s really your only choice unless you want to get her back.

          • C.j says:

            Actually thats a lie. We havent talked on camera. We were going to but both were too shy. That was before this happened. I want her back, Terri! I dont know if she would agree. We’ve given it two weeks. The emotional toll that long distance takes on you is massive. I dont know if I can ever go over there either. I cant go on my own. I’ve only traveled like twice in my life. She is so pretty, I’ll never find a girl like that. I feel she is my soul mate because we both have so much in common but I dont know how to make it work. Not really, I’ve tried online dating sites and the only people who talk to me are weirdos. Thanks heaps Terri you are my favourite American too. I think I’ve made a huge mistake. My family keep telling me to forget about her but I cant. I hope she can wait for me or we could meet in the future.

            • Terri says:

              So, question….why would you lie? Were you worried that what I said could be a fact? I worry that if you’ve never seen her, except in pictures, she may not be who you think she is. You need to get confirmation that she’s what you think she is before you get any more invested in this. Watch the american show “Catfish” if you don’t believe me. You can probably you tube it if you don’t get it in Australia. C.J. it’s possible that she’s beautiful and too shy to even skype, but it’s not likely. Take it for what it’s worth, but to me, you should verify she’s who you believe she is before you ever go meet her somewhere far away from home.

              • C.j says:

                She does have Skype. She told me today. I’m really scared and having doubts about everything in my life though. And you know today I signed up to a job recruitment agency, and the guy said he could find me factory work asap if that’s what I want!

                • Terri says:

                  But you didn’t answer my question. You felt the need to mislead at first and when I questioned you on it, you diverted the conversation. To be a friend, you have to learn to be forthright. Having skype isn’t the same as “talking to her on camera”. I still ask, how do you know who you are dealing with if you’ve never seen her. People can be whatever they want on-line.

                  • C.j says:

                    I did answer your question!! I have told you that we shared so much about our lives, and she has literally thousands of photos on facebook and comments from friends and family etc. How would she get those if she was a scammer? We have fought and argued and made up. And she has been upset with me. I dont think a scammer would have this much patience! The only thing that’s missing here is we havent spoken on Skype.

                    • Terri says:

                      I asked you why you felt the need to mislead when you said you talked on camera. You did not answer that. I was just wondering because I think it says something about the level of trust that you have about the whole situation. As far as having photos and comments, etc…..I urge you to watch catfish, the american tv show. You can probably find it on you tube and then tell me it’s not possible for her to be anything other than what she appears. I just was hoping to get you to be a little more cautious before you fall head over heals, but I think it’s too late.

                    • C.j says:

                      Sorry Terri. I lied to you big time. I guess I’m worried that i won’t find anyone at my age. And the unemployment and lack of experience with relationships doesn’t make it any easier either. Been using Tinder but it’s useless.

                    • Terri says:

                      CJ, I just am trying to get you to see that you need to be honest in any relationship. If someone isn’t honest with me, I have zero use for them. I’m very picky about my friends and don’t have time for games. So, first I think you need to always remember to be honest, with yourself (which seems NOT to be a problem) and also, with others. The way I see it is that you are so down on yourself, it’s gonna be hard to climb out of it unless, like Darlene has told you, you take steps (baby steps if necessary) to start trying to open yourself up and take risks. With risks, there is the possibility of failure, but also the possibility of reward. You have to start somewhere and sometime. How old are you exactly, if you feel comfortable telling us? I think you need to get much more positive in order for your life to change. You are very negative now, and negativity breeds negativity and the opposite is true as well.

                    • C.j says:

                      Alright fine, I will try to be completely honest about everything from now on. And maybe I’m lying to myself a lot too because the truth is just painful to handle. I’m dragging this thing out even when I know it’s impossible. You asked how old i am, well i will be 29 soon and that’s why I’m starting to panic and worry constantly. Things haven’t turned out the way I wanted.

                    • Terri says:

                      I don’t know why but I’m not able to reply directly to the comment you just made. Anyway, you are not even 29 yet? The way you talked about your age, I thought you were like in your 40’s or something. C.J., you are still so young. You have time to find the right girl, the right job, the right friends. Lot’s and lot’s of time. Cheer up and lighten up. I don’t think you should be in an on-line, long distance relationship because there is a possibility it will/can go nowhere. You see that I think, but as long as you can say you are in this relationship, you don’t have to go out on a limb and step out of your comfort zone to see what/who is out there that actually would be available for you. That you could actually spend time with, date and get to know on a personal level. If you were my brother/son, I would tell you to end what you know isn’t going to work and go out there and meet people and be positive. You have a lot of time, but time doesn’t stand still and one day you’ll wake up and you’ll be 50 and you don’t want to waste the next 20 years on relationships that go nowhere and a negative attitude that keeps you from enjoying your life. Hope this helps you.

                    • C.j says:

                      Yeah I couldnt reply to your last comment either. I am feeling helpless Terri. You mean it’s not too late to get my life back on track??

                      1. it’s been hard to find the right girl. I’ve hardly met anyone who’s single, most are taken/married. Or if they arent, they have been and dont want to do it again. Also I’m too shy to even talk to women much of the time. I feel like I will say something stupid or they wont like me or think I’m a weirdo. I’ve never been asked out. I’m ashamed of my lack of social life.

                      2. getting a job is hard! I cant compete with 18-21 year olds out of uni or with people who are highly skilled or have more experience than me. Plus I’ve been out of work for a while. And the fear and anxiety and not knowing what to say or what excuse to use just gets to me. I really need to overcome it. My resume is really lacking.

                      3. i have always found it hard to make friends. But I know I could do it if I could get out there and try. I dont know how likeable I am. I feel like maybe they wont like me or they’ll think I’m a weirdo or stupid. Also it’s harder to make friends if you dont have any or much to talk about. When I talk to friends or family by phone or facebook I feel like I’m bothering them. Plus I feel ignored.

        • Darlene says:

          The pain will go away, it will just take some time. I feel for you, I remember the pain of losing someone you love. Just a thought, is there any chance this relationship could work? Maybe some visits to see if you guys are solid in real life?

          • C.j says:

            I am really feeling shattered. I think there is a chance it could work. But I dont know how to make it work. I’ve never traveled much and wouldnt know how (which sucks at my age). I’m really scared. I feel like I need someone to come with me. I think we could be solid in real life. But long distance just takes its toll on you. We’ve given this two weeks. But I dont want to lose her from my life.

            • C.j says:

              Good news! She messaged me tonight and we are talking again!

            • Darlene says:

              Glad to hear it, CJ! I think it would be a huge confidence booster to travel and visit her. But, you should Skype first :) Every little thing you do to help yourself, even if it scares you a bit, makes you grow as a person and does amazing things for your confidence. Go ahead! Skype with her, then, if that goes well, arrange a visit.

              • C.j says:

                I really want to, Darlene. I hate being shy, I really do! I’m really shy and scared to go anywhere. You’re right, I need to do more things that scare me because I need to grow as a person. Today I rang a job agency and that is a first step I guess. I’m afraid this girl wont like me for long or will leave. I posted some good news on Facebook today and no one even read it. Just shows what people think of me.

                • Darlene says:

                  CJ, I know what it feels like to be scared of things…really scared. But how to handle fear ends up being a choice, I found, either face it or it will rule you. You don’t have to face it all at once, you can set smaller goals, then keep building on those. Believe me it works….some situations used to leave me feeling sick and angry with myself and bad about myself. Once I started tackling those fears, they started to go away….and I felt really good about myself.

                  Find a way to work up to skyping with her…give yourself a deadline as to when it will happen, that would be my suggestion. And it is okay to be afraid, that’s just how you feel right now and it’s just fine….but don’t let that fear tell you how to live your life. :)

                  • Darlene says:

                    PS: even if things don’t turn out with your girlfriend, if you tried via Skype, it’s a huge step forward. Give yourself full marks for bravery, okay?

                    Glad to hear about the job…also a step forward! I post lots of things on Facebook no one likes or comments on. Who cares? I post things for my own enjoyment, if others enjoy, too, that’s great, if not…whatever. :)

                    • C.j says:

                      Thanks again, Darlene! You are such a great support here and have helped me so much and I cant be anymore grateful! I will ask this girl to Skype with me when she comes back online.

                      Yeah, well, I dont know if the job agency will get back to me. I sent in my resume and it’s pretty empty to be honest. But my problem is my Facebook is empty with only 7 photos. So if I meet new people and add them on Facebook, they will see I dont have a life and wont even talk to me.

                  • C.j says:

                    Thank you, Darlene. I feel like it already has ruled me. Is there any hope left, Darlene? I don’t have any friends, a job and I’ve never been on a proper date. I’m starting to feel like there’s no hope anymore.

                    And all of that actually worked out for you? How long did it take? And how fearful were you when you started doing it? I was seeing a therapist but she gave up on me. I feel like I have no social skills whatsoever.

                    I don’t know what’s wrong. But this girl seems to be ignoring me tonight. If she doesnt want me anymore, I dont think I will ever find anyone. All of the people I know and cousins are married with kids. No one likes me, Darlene. I have no friends and no one talks to me and that makes me depressed and feel worthless. How do you make friends or have a life when you have no social support to start with and people can see that?

                    • Darlene says:

                      CJ, I would suggest that you start by getting good at something you care about. You mention exercise on this blog, maybe getting a certification through a gym? Get good, really good at something that matters to you. Get outside of your head and focus on things you can become good at.

                      The point of this is to start building your life, building yourself up, from scratch if need be. Do things that help you be a stronger person. Take small chances, build up your courage, create a life resume and things you can talk about. But, do it for you, not just to make friends.

                      In a way, you are standing at a crossroads, with your whole life ahead of you. One choice is to believe in yourself, have faith you can change your life, I hope you chose that road, CJ. I did and while it was hard and bumpy at times, the views just got better and better. :)

                    • Darlene says:

                      As for your question about me, I think I hit bottom, I was so depressed and lonely, I just knew I couldn’t carry on like that anymore. What I figured out for me was that I needed to work on my emotional issues (parental issues) and my social skills. As I progressed over time, good things started to happen and I felt better about myself.

                      Just like bad things build on themselves, so do good things. Once you get the ball rolling, the good things start to build up. You just need to find the right approach for you, is all. I suggested getting good at a skill, because that makes my husband feel great, to get good at something he likes, but you need to find what works for you. However, the way I see it, what is there to lose? :)

      • Anon in LDR says:

        You know, I feel the need to jump in and speak out in defense of LDR’s as someone who is in one and has been in a couple others. I feel like you are giving long distance relationships a bad wrap that they don’t deserve. My previous relationship lasted for 3 years with somewhat frequent visits. My current one is with someone I’ve known for 3 years and we’ve been dating 5 months and have met a few times for 1-2 weeks each time. I understand that Catfishing is a problem, but I think people give it too much credit, especially when it is extremely easily avoided with just a little common sense. I can see how Catfishing would have been more scary back in early 2000’s. But nowadays I don’t think there should be any excuse, if you have internet access you should be able to do webcam sessions and phone calls, you should be able to share plenty of pictures and with a little team effort you should eventually be able to close the distance at some point. To say “find a girl you can have a real relationship with” is extremely close-minded and offensive because it implies that long distance relationships are not “real” relationships. I promise you, the long distance relationships I’ve had have been some of the closest most meaningful relationships I’ve made in my life. They are nothing to be ashamed of.

        • Terri says:

          Well, you are entitled to your opinion and your experiences as am I. I was speaking to C.J. about his situation. He seems quite attached to someone he’s never even seen outside of pictures on a facebook page. I think one needs to be careful in a situation like that. Also, he has no friends. You sound as if you have a normal life and are just in a long distance relationship. You gave no information on your life other than about the LDR, but yet, you are here on this blog. To me, there’s only so far you can go with a LDR unless you close the distance gap. I was in a LDR for 6 months, but eventually I had to move to be with my boyfriend….why….because it wouldn’t have worked unless one of us moved. We were seeing each other every month and that was just too much time, too much money, too much everything. Something had to give if it was to work. We’ve been together 11 years now and everything is great, but had we stayed in the LDR, it might have lasted another 6 months and then it would have been done, because I need to be able to see, go out with and have a normal relationship with my boyfriend, not just interaction over a computer screen or phone. But that’s me and my experience. You have a different one. That’s what makes the world go round.

          • C.j says:

            Wow I gotta say I feel a bit hurt Terri. What you just said about me then and the way you just said it. I might not have friends now, but why did you feel the need to bring that up just then? What did it have to do with anything? And the way you said he/she “has a normal life” I thought was pretty hurtful! I know for a fact that this girl is real right, I’m not going to argue it anymore. I’m tired of being treated like an idiot. But yeah this person does sound like they have it all together. So they probably have a pretty good job, a lot of independence and money to travel quite a bit. As well as people to travel with. Also you never said anything about being in a LDR before.

            • Terri says:

              C.J. All I’ve ever done was tried to give you what I considered good advice. I’m sorry if what I said hurt you but you are always coming on here talking about your life in a way worse way than anything I said. You are so down on yourself all the time and it’s not a normal way to live. I’m sorry if that hurts you. As far as having no friends, that’s what this blog is about. I’ve said I have very few friends by choice. It’s not anything to be ashamed of. And I would never try to hurt you intentionally. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to help you, but if you feel this way, I will stop. As far as never saying anything about being in a long distance relationship….I don’t divulge a whole lot about my own life. It wasn’t pertinent to what we’ve been talking about. First, my relationship is still going on and it was only long distance for 6 months and then I moved to be near him. And second, we met face to face and I knew he was a real person, what he looked like and everything else I needed to know to start a real relationship. That’s hardly what is happening with you. I was concerned about you because after 3 months, you’ve never even skyped. I’m sorry if I upset you. It wasn’t intentional…..but simply in response to that person’s post.

        • John says:

          I’m sorry but you are deluding yourself if you think your computer based relationship is “real” in any sense of the word. And this opinion is neither “close minded” nor “offensive”.

          No one is themselves behind the safety provided by a computer keyboard and monitor. Any way you slice it, at BEST it’s two people relating to each pother with artificial, computer aided personalities.

          And in the end, you never address the personality issues that keep you from having REAL face to face relationships.

          • C.j says:

            Well I disagree, John. I think it is close minded. And I don’t appreciate being called deluded either. I started talking to her one day on Facebook and we’ve ke

            • C.j says:

              Sorry but the reply thing isn’t working here.

              I’m the one who is talking with her and gradually getting to know her better. And we are opening up more to each other. While all you guys know are small details and jumping to the conclusion that I’m being scammed. I’m a bit insulted. Yes, there are scammers on the internet. And yes it’s not always obvious who they are! Has she ever asked me for money or anything? No! Does she have her friends and family on Facebook? Yes! Does she have photos of her friends and family? Yes! Does she have her details, education, suburb, workplace etc on Facebook? Yes! Have I spoken to her? Yes! Does she have photos on Facebook? Hundreds. Has she demanded that i go visit her? No! How does she know I’m not a scammer? Because we trust each other. Has she asked me to jump on a plane to go marry her right now? No!

              So I would appreciate it if you guys backed off with the criticism. I’m not as stupid as you seem to think I am and I’m getting pretty fed up with being treated like some naive lovesick idiot who falls for internet scams. I’ve never once given ANY financial details over the internet!! Never will! Plus she knows i dont own my own house and I’m looking for a job right now. Do do you understand now?

              I’ve seen guys fall for women here and getting scammed. It doesn’t just happen over the internet plus there are actually some decent people out there as well. I don’t trust a lot of people here. Call me deluded all you want for wanting to give this a chance! I’ve had enough of being insulted now, so I’m leaving.

              • Terri says:

                C.J. you can’t keep people from having their own opinions when it comes to on-line/long distance dating. We are not talking specifically about you necessarily, but in general. I agree with him, that these are not complete relationships and they have little chance of going anywhere. I’m sure there are exceptions, but as a rule, I doubt they work out for very long.

              • Darlene says:

                Cj, however this works out with your friend,you have actually stood up for yourself here. Sounds like confidence to me.. :). Whatever happens,I hope you are happy and find someone who cares about you.

                • Terri says:

                  I hope the same for C.J. but when you come on a public forum like this one, you have to expect that people are going to sometimes, render opinions you may not like. That’s what you do when you expose yourself in this way.

              • John says:

                I never said anything about you being scammed.

                Overcoming social anxiety takes hard work, and it’s scary. You have to make a commitment to get help, help yourself, and ultimately confront your fears by taking risks. Untreated social anxiety can get worse, it can lead to depression among other things.

                It’s human nature to avoid all that scary hard work. It’s easy to distract yourself, and there are many ways. Some do it with booze and/or drugs. Some do it with food. Some fall for people who are unobtainable. Some become promiscuous. Some have “safe” internet relationships.

                I realize your feelings for this person over the internet are real. But have you asked yourself why… with all the women around you, at the mall, at the bars, in your neighborhood… in your school, the love of your life is… a very, very safe nowhere near you?

                No one is treating you like a fool. And you’re not “standing up for yourself with confidence.” You have just become defensive. You came to a blog… I dunno… for support? And most aren’t telling you what you want to hear. Were we supposed to?

                Well, here’s hoping you eventually unplug your computer, and work to find someone a little less virtual.

                • C.j says:

                  I know you didn’t, but the others here did. And she has never asked for money ever. She said she doesnt want money, just wants me. Plus I have spoken to her by phone and she has added me on Skype. So I know for a fact she is a real person.

                  Yeah you’re right, and I did get help for it a few years ago. I think I’ve made real progress, but there’s still a lot to go, and I sometimes feel like it’s too late.

                  My feelings are real. And so are hers. And it just sucks seeing couples around me who actually spend time together. What am I supposed to do? We started talking one day, this has happened, it turned into a bond between us, we talk everyday and night, are we supposed to just stop talking, and suddenly forget each other exist? She asked me last night, if I had plans to come and visit her, she’ll even show me around her suburb. But she knows I’m anxious about it and I hope she doesnt give up on me. I have asked myself why, I’ve noticed a lot of women here are really picky. This girl seems to like and appreciate me for who I am and she just makes me feel special, good inside and makes me happy and she says I’m handsome and humble and doesn’t know why I’m still single. Plus do you know how many guys I see hanging out at bars and nightclubs here hoping to meet someone and they never do? Seems like all the women here are married, in long term relationships, or screwing around with someone and dont want to settle down. And yes, I’ve tried online dating, and have had no luck. A lot of singles from other states. Those who are single here are usually way younger than me (18-21), or in their late 30’s and put their career and kids first, and other profiles are just bloody scary! I’m lonely, I’m in my late 20’s now and I just want that special someone and this girl is a kind, down to earth, warm, funny, beautiful person who isn’t stuck up like other girls around here or isn’t a overweight tattooed bogan with 10 kids. I found out we have a lot in common too. I think it would be a real shame to say goodbye.

                  I understand your point, and I agree. There’s not much I can do though. And there’s no reason why it couldn’t work out eventually. Maybe it won’t work out, I cant really say. But neither of us are starting to feel any different about each other. I know that sounds ridiculous but I cant help feeling this way, John. It is emotionally and mentally draining and having people tell me I’m crazy or stupid adds to that pressure. I’ve tried to break it off, we both have, and neither of us want to say goodbye to each other. It’s just hard!

                  Well, come to this city, and try talking to women here and see how much luck you have. I went overseas and across the state on holidays and girls there would actually talk to me, but when I came back here, it’s like I dont exist. Plus there are a lot of tall, tanned and athletic looking guys around who you cant compete with. And I’m tired of waiting around or searching and searching for the right person to come along and it never happens. I’ve already spent the good part of my life alone because no one wanted me. Sorry this was long, but I just had to vent.

                  • Terri says:

                    C.J. I just read your response to John and I understand you care about this girl and no one is saying she wants your money. What money? You’re not exactly Rockefeller. As far as adding you on Skype. Does this mean you two have actually Skyped with each other and you have seen her?? You said she said you were handsome, so I assume she HAS seen you over Skype. That certainly is a step in the right direction, but C.J., the truth is that if neither of you will get on a plane to go see each other, this will NEVER work out, so if you truly care about each other, bite the bullet, get on a plane and go make this work out. As far as anxiety goes, I’ve had it for decades…..it’s tougher for some than others to deal with, but you can’t let fear control you if you want a normal, healthy life and relationship. Anxiety will NOT kill you, literally speaking. Therefore, you have nothing to fear but fear itself, as Roosevelt said and he’s right.

                    • C.j says:

                      Just because I got defensive, doesn’t mean I don’t understand or agree with what you’re saying. I just don’t appreciate the rudeness sometimes.

                • Terri says:

                  John, amazing and perfect response. I wouldn’t have said what you did in such a passive, respectful way I fear. C.J., please do not be defensive and ask yourself if John truly isn’t spot on. I have tried to help you and I’m saying the same things. I think John and I both seem fairly intelligent and articulate and possibly have more experience than you when it comes to relationships, so why won’t you hear us instead of being defensive?

                  • C.j says:

                    I did hear you. I don’t have a right to disagree? Oh wait that must make me unintelligent. I’m sorry Terri. I just wrote all of that for nothing.

                    • Terri says:

                      You know what C.J., I’m finished wasting my time with you. All you have done is insulted me and accused me of being rude when I have spent so much time trying to help you. When have you ever even asked me about my life. LOL. Your ungrateful attitude is sad. And I’m done. Good luck C.J.

                    • C.j says:

                      When did I insult you? If I insulted you, I’m sorry. I swear I won’t say anything else, I really do appreciate that you’ve tried to help me. Yeah you have helped me a lot, and I never really said thank you for any of it. I have asked you asked you about your life, haven’t I? If I haven’t, maybe tell me this, where abouts do you live? Hey come on, I didn’t mean to upset you. I was being ungrateful, I know and you probably do have a lot more experience than me. I’m sorry, Terri.

                    • C.j says:

                      Terri I dont know if you would want to share your business here?

                    • Terri says:

                      I can’t reply to you C.J. for some reason. Thanks for what you said. I really have just tried to help you. I just want you to try to take something from what we are telling you and throw the rest out if you don’t want to hear it. Bottom line is that we are trying to help you. We just don’t, or at least I just don’t see a future in this on-line relationship you are in where you can’t even really meet each other because of your fears. You don’t have to agree or even listen. As far as me, I feel that I have a much different situation than most here. I choose to not have many friends because I find most people don’t know how to be a real friend and I refuse to waste my time with people such as that. That’s why I’m here. But I’m pretty functional for the most part. Don’t let fear control me…..ever. I think I can be of help here if people just stop long enough to entertain the things I’m saying. They don’t have to agree or listen, but it doesn’t hurt to get another perspective. I accept your apology. Let’s just move on. BTW, I’m in the U.S.

          • Jack says:

            John, I just read your post, mate. I agree when you say that these faceless internet relationships are not real but the imagination is a wonderful thing and sometimes one can have a great ol’ time without the fear of body-language getting in the way. Many years ago I used to go to chat sites or ‘leave-a-message’ sites (like this one) where some people got really tight and decided to hook up. Well, upon meeting, all of the illusions (and perhaps DE-lusions) of fairy-tale fun-time were shattered when they came face-to-face and they seldom connected again.. even on the chat site. Have you ever been on a cruise ship and had a romance on the high seas (as it were) and then met up again a month or so later on dry land in your respective lunch hours for coffee? It’s different, man. The ‘holiday’ illusion is gone. Sure, internet relationships are not the real thing but they were fun in an abstract, whoozy, holiday-romance kind of way. Reality can sometimes be rather disappointing. Me for Middle Earth. It was fun having a few hobbits living in my computer. Anyway, ‘diff’rent strokes’ as they say. Cheers, mate.

            • C.j says:

              No, an imaginary relationship is where someone says “I’m in love with Cinderella”, or “I have a girlfriend that no one can see”. Or they have a crush on an anime character. It’s what kids do. Talking through Skype, chat, and over phone isn’t imaginary. Unless you’re Schizophrenic. There are people who met, dated or are married, and got separated for work, military or other reasons, and there are people who met online and it became long distance. You can call their relationships imaginary all you want. But as for LDRs not working out, they can and they do work. It depends on the people involved and the situation. Look up on Youtube. There are quite a few examples on blogs too. Even long distance friendships. It’s easier to stay in touch these days with technology than it was in the past. A lot of relationships end, not just the long distance ones.

            • John says:

              Of course it’s fun to have friends over the internet.

              But you’re missing the point. Firstly a cruise ship romance is FACE to FACE. Secondly a “fun” internet “relationship” isn’t HEALTHY when it is the only relationship you can have, and you have “fallen” head over heels for someone you’re never met and probably will never meet.

              There is no way something like this is a good thing under the circumstances. It’s just another symptom.

              BTW: Did you know back in the days of AOL chat some college students wrote an artificial intelligence program to simulate chat, and people “befriended” it, thinking it was a real person?

    • Colette says:

      CJ…you may feel awful…I note that you wrote your comment on 22nd March – I really hope that today you are feeling a little better? Sometimes things end for a reason; perhaps there is someone else for you to make freinds with and your online g/f was preventing that? We don’t know but fate has a funny way of doing things. You will be ok…it may take a little time but you will be ok…and hey, I am ‘talking’ to you as are lots of others!

      • C.j says:

        Collette, we are talking again. Both of us tried to break it off but it didnt last. She agreed to talk on Skype or phone chat sometime. We just havent organized it yet. We are both a bit nervous. Haha

    • Rosa says:

      Oh! Poor you! :(

  19. CT says:

    Definitely surrounded by xxx and xxx bar none. [EDITED FOR PROFANITY; PLEASE KEEP THIS BOARD CLEAN. THANKS] They do one little thing wrong, simply forgive them, if you do it expect to be isolated one way or another. So sick of the pressure of socializing when we people should just do teamwork on the spot and then go on about their business. There should be no shame in being alone and even wanting to be alone because let’s face it we don’t truly need to be with people that much anyway. There is no need to herd like humans did eons ago.

  20. Anne says:

    Did everyone really have fun? Or are you going by “I had fun so everyone must have had fun too”?
    Are you picky about where to go/what to eat/etc? Do you complain a lot? Or whine a lot? Do you find yourself venting a lot or just being negative when you communicate with friends? Do you plan the entire outing AND THEN invite your friends out? These are just a few reasons why I don’t like hanging out with some people who are not bad people but might be doing something that makes the time spent with them less enjoyable.

    there must be a reason why your friends don’t like hanging out with you. Since this is a pattern, I will ask one them, maybe one of your cousins? That’s really the only way to find out.

  21. Lisa says:

    Jack, you made me smile.

  22. C.j says:

    I feel like I’m pretty isolated. And don’t know how to get out there and overcome my fears of interacting with people.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_isolation

    “Even when socially isolated people do go out into public and attempt social interactions, the social interactions that succeed — if any — are brief and at least somewhat superficial.”

    I swear, this is what my life is like.

    • Darlene says:

      CJ, I think most initial interactions with people are superficial. People don’t tend to open up until they feel comfortable, that’s true for many people. You may find it easier to get a little closer if you are doing something you really enjoy, something that includes other people. Focussing on something, side by side with like minded people allows a low key, more comfortable place to gradually get to know people. Fewer social expectations that way as well. Maybe worth a shot, I’d you haven’t done this already.

      • C.j says:

        But at least those people dont feel like they have nothing to talk about, or feel like they are ignored, like nothing they say matters. I might do what you said, and try that again. But in some places I found that some people have more in common than me and they end up as best friends and I end up feeling pretty left out. I’ve had friends in the past, and they just ditch me for more interesting people. I’ve been going out with my cousin more lately. And was thinking maybe getting a job again would help me get out of the house instead of being depressed at home.

    • Lovey says:

      I understand what you mean C.J. I’ve gone through bouts of social isolation too. Even if we’re feeling like a space aliens some days, I feel it’s crucial to keep getting out there though, just to keep working on our social skills a little bit.
      Have you ever thought of checking out a local Toastmasters meeting? The people who attend are from all walks of life, and are always welcoming and pleasant. There’s no commitment necessary to check out a meeting for the first time. You will be welcomed as a guest, and can sit in and watch how people help each other in improving their communication skills. Even if it’s not something you choose to pursue, you will meet some nice people and learn some good tips. Just an idea :)

      • C.j says:

        Thank you Lovey. Yeah it hurts doesnt it? I feel like I’ve been in it for a while. I really feel stuck and depressed. I feel like no one could ever like me. When I go out with my cousin lately, people will talk to him or smile at him but wont even look at me, even if I make the first move and talk to them. Someone mentioned Toastmasters to me before, I havent heard of it. But I found out that there is one around here actually. But I dont know if I have the courage to go there. Especially on my own. It would be good if I had someone to go with. I think I’d be pretty nervous I would probably say nothing the whole time. LOL

        • Lovey says:

          Hi CJ, just thinking about what you said about being around your cousin and people not paying any attention to you. That has happened to me before too! What did I do wrong??

          I sat there afterwards feeling terrible and ignored, and then it hit me. I really didn’t have anything in common with that person. Seriously, other than talking about the weather, we were as different as you could get. Not everyone is open to conversing with someone whose life is different than theirs. (birds of a feather flock together, right?). That is a limitation they have, and is no reflection of you. When that happens, we always think we did something wrong, rather than thinking the other person may have been a little rude by ignoring us.

          My husband says I have to speak up more … put out my hand and introduce myself instead of waiting to be addressed. It’s tough when you have a tendency to be shy or have been hurt.
          At least at Toastmasters everyone will come up to you and introduce themselves, you’ll have no choice but to introduce yourself back. lol 😉 It’s a skill we need to get better at.

          The front page of Lifehacker.com today was full of articles on overcoming shyness. The fact that a major online publication is focusing on it means we are not alone.

      • C.j says:

        Lovey, this might sound personal. But just wondering what are some ways you might cope whenever you feel isolated?

        • Lovey says:

          Well CJ, when I’m feeling isolated, I don’t want anything to do with anyone, which only makes things worse. I’ve learned one way to snap out of it is to do something really fun that gives me a shift in my “depressed” thinking. I like to watch old movies – only comedies so I laugh my head off. I make something delicious to eat, maybe do a hobby I like, do some exercise … you get the idea. Doing something enjoyable improves my mood, which helps me to think more positively about being around people.

          Someone once said, if you can’t be happy by yourself, you can’t be happy with people. I’m sure as many people would disagree with that statement as would find it true. It would depend on the individual person and their circumstances for sure. In my case it is true.

          I’m sure you will find what works for you, because you are interested in doing so. Half the battle is deciding to try. :)

  23. Jack Sparrow says:

    Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

    • joe says:

      kudos!i could not agree more!

    • C.j says:

      Heard that before, but it still good advice!

      • what friends may happen... says:

        It’s like a circle of events sometimes. My low self-esteem made me an easy target for a-holes. Once I realized I had low self-esteem and worked on it (with a license therapist) and felt better than I was better able to avoid or deal with a-holes and people who aren’t really interested in being friends. It made me less of a target and better able to be a friend to myself first and now I’m at the point of reaching out to people and letting others in.

  24. Laura says:

    Best not to feed the trolls!

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