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Ask the Friendship Doctor

Why would someone have no friends?

There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.

QUESTION

Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?

Signed,
Amanda

ANSWER

Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity - Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style - Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Irene


Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS

Comments (2,323)

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  1. Gary says:

    I have been in therapy now for 2 years to overcome my disposition of not being able to become close to people – I had a traumatic childhood mostly violence from a tyrannical mother who just attacked most days and would alternate from being a psychopath to then being caring and loving. I am now 40 and feel a bit worn out emotionally as I have had 5 long term close relationships with women but they all disintegrate in the same way. I get abandoned and end up feeling raw and gutted – this is not a poor me story but my reality unfortunately!

    Sometimes I abandon other people I don’t feel strong feelings for which makes sense but when I form a deep attachment and really love someone i alternate with them from being loving to cold and aloof and in turn they start playing games that are predictable and I always end up really sore and feeling almost ripped to bits inside when they push me away like what seems like oblivion as I don’t have a network of friends really as I fail to maintain close friendships – I have worked a lot of this stuff out as something subconsciously is preventing me from creating emotional attachments due to the extreme nature of my childhood – my siblings all have that part also that my mother had the inner lunatic that can’t be trusted – they have a much milder form but I don’t feel any love for them also even though I am part of a big active and successful family – I just see them on pictures on facebook like they could Martians from another planet.

    I used to have friends between the ages of 20 & 35 it seemed easy but the last 5 years seems to have really changed and I have lost the ability to make new friendships – I am now single again and I just feel at the age of 40 I feel like giving up – humans need each other for normal function but when connections with others cause a lot of emotional turbulence then isolation seems a bad but better choice.

  2. mary says:

    I am amazed by so many of these comments. Like many of you I too feel very alone. I have a beautiful son (thank the Gods) and I spend most of my time with him. My husband and I are on the verge of a friendly separation. I have friends, mostly people I’ve known for many years, but I never see anyone unless I initiate the visist. Same with family, I’m always the initiator. Making new friends is near impossible. I talk to lots of people, I am actually quite extroverted but I’m also very different from most of the people who live in my area. I’m an artist and quite frankly, I look like an artist. I’m always neat and clean and tend to dress on the fancy side because it makes me happy to look artsy. I find that I’ve learned to become my own best friend. Personally, I enjoy my own company, I never understand why other people don’t pursue a friendship with me or accept my friendship when I offer it (which I do very often). I am kind, intelligent, funny and adventurous, things I would think most people would want in a friend. I’m an excellent listener and like to help people in any way I can. Still, my phone never rings. Most of the time I busy myself with other things, but there are days when I can’t shake the deep lonliness that I feel. I worry what will happen when my son grows up and starts to pull away from me and goes out on his own, I’ll be so very alone then. It’s weird how you can be an awesome person and have nobody take an interest in you. Sad really. I just want everyone posting to know that I understand what many of you are going through and I think you are brave to be honest about your feelings. Lonliness is scary and sad. Nobody should have to feel alone.

    • dalila says:

      I actually have the same problem i cannot understand why that happens , and i also an artist at 40 my kids are all grown up , so i decided to educate myself on art , and it s amaizing how much i love it , but still no friends , if i don t start no one talks lol funny business that , still don t understand why lol but if you need a friend to talk to , i will be happy to be yours , facebook dalila dumdum. take care

  3. Connor says:

    I’m 20 years old and i have every problem that was listed, I’m starting to think it’s not going to happen at all. I am very alone, I feel it constantly. Also, I’ve mastered objectivity by spending all my time alone, this makes it much more difficult to like people when I’m either listening to everything they say and making judgements about their character based off of what they’ve said; or asking question after question initiating conversations that are patterned to give me information about their most core beliefs and ideas so that I can better understand them.
    I used to think that learning about people would be the best way to relate to them. More recently I’ve been thinking that learning about yourself or looking within yourself is the best way to get people to like you. People are attracted to self-confidence and security and such (not to mention that people don’t like being judged).
    A vicious circle: I am socially inept because I don’t have friends because I’m socially inept because I don’t have friends….

    • C.j says:

      Here here, I feel the same way man. And at this age (I’m older), it feels pretty pathetic. I don’t even have much to say to family anymore let alone strangers. So I just avoid hanging out and talking to people. It’s a cycle.. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Plus you feel vulnerable when you’re on your own.

      • Jen says:

        CJ-I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable. It’s definitely a result of past experiences, which just keep repeating because we are loners. I guess once all your friends and family are gone, it’s only natural. I’m afraid I’ve become outnumbered.

        • C.j says:

          Thanks Jen, sorry to hear that but it’s nice to know that someone is listening and can relate. Yeah I guess it is part of past experiences, and being afraid those same things will happen.

          • Jen says:

            Yes people are programmed to do the same things over and over again. It’s a very dead, mechanical world. That’s how I feel at least, but I’m on the outside as usual so it might just be me.

            • C.j says:

              Pretty sure it’s a lot of people. Wake up, go to work, come home, sleep and do it again the next day. I don’t have a job at the moment, and yet my life still feels like Groundhog Day lol

  4. Craig says:

    I didn’t have many good friends growing up mostly other kids in the neighborhood. It was when I went to High School that I was messed with. It became so bad that I’d just sneak into the Locker Room which the teachers closed doors 5 minutes after the lunch break had opened. I was eccentric in my own ways people didn’t relate to me so was beat up, harrased, ignored, then wondered what I ever did to these people to deserve it.I had a few friends in High School yet didn’t see them much after they started hanging out with others. I did poorly my last two years in school. Totally didn’t fit in by the time I was in my Senior Year made my resentment known to the school in starting selling pot, LSD,other things to Freshmen that looked up to me.I was failing most of my classes starting doing drugs the Vice Principal wanted to see me out of the school, had two teachers who were afraid of me.I’d finally graduate with a 0.67 GPA after four years.A couple teachers gave me passing grades to get me out when I really failed. It has lingered over me since most of the people that were friends are gone , moved away, married,in Prison.I have always worked at low skill jobs with low wages. I’m 47 been out of work for a year now, can’t afford school, can’t afford med insurance, barely afford car insurance as I live in my car.Eat one meal a day usually fast food.Living with food card.Hassled a lot by local cops I have no one to turn to on this never married, no children no problem yet I’ll just have to hope for the best it’s all one can do…

    • Jen says:

      Craig, I can relate to your story. I used to think that I could correct my mistakes from the past, but eventually they catch up with me. Not much to do about them now except live with the consequences. I made a lot of bad decisions due to feeling like an outsider. Since there’s no point dwelling on the past, there isn’t much to do about it now. I wish I could learn from my mistakes, but usually it’s too late.

    • Leeanne says:

      Hi Craig. Although it might not have been your intention, yours was one of the saddest posts I’ve read. About 10 years ago I went through a very difficult period in my life. I felt alone, abandoned and hopeless.
      I’m responding to you because I want you to know that as long as you have a breath in you, your situation is not hopeless. When I was at my lowest, and no, it wasn’t as bad as your situation, I started doing volunteer work. I wasn’t doing it to feel better but it was around the same time that I noticed how dire others’ lives were. I didn’t experience a great wave of happiness, rather small but satisfying pockets of joy that to my surprise happened daily. Since you live in your car you might want to start at a church (religious affiliation or a belief in God isn’t necessary), a soup kitchen or a retirement home. You’ll meet others who will be grateful for your generosity and you will discover strengths you didn’t even know you had. You will also develop the relationship(s) you’ve always wanted. I hope this helps.

  5. mk333 says:

    Wow!! Stunned by so many replies, so many similar feelings.

    I grew up in the middle of a miserably married couple of alcoholics who barely spoke to each other and we moved CONSTANTLY before I started kindergarten. Thus, I didn’t learn any real social skills or feel very attached in a healthy way. Same thing throughout school.

    I recently moved to California to start a job which lasted a year, then went south, so I am essentially alone in a strange city (and, truthfully, in life as my relatives are either dead or unsafe/untrustworthy with scary addiction/behavior issues; we haven’t spoken in decades).

    These issues aside, I find most of America has morphed into a very impersonal, fast-paced, paranoid nightmare where most people no longer see the value of, or have time for, REAL friendships. I’ve tried everything others noted in their comments: therapy–most shrinks just peddle pills because ins. co’s won’t cover meaningful 1-1 therapy; classes–don’t last long enough to make real connections; churches–most people seem too preachy, judgmental, rigid. When I walk around the neighborhood, I wave, say “high” but most people look at me like “Who the hell are you?,” esp. if they have kids. I see people driving home from work and wave, they wave back, drive into the garage, and SLAM! Down goes the door.

    Yes, I know it takes patience and effort to establish lasting, quality relationships, but I’m frankly tired of making the effort and it’s like a double-edged sword. When I meet people, they start asking about relatives, friends, etc. The truth emerges (that I have few friends, no reliable relatives, etc.), then the shades go down on their eyes if you know what I mean.

    Since I’m over 50, I’ve just accepted that I’m not meant to have close, healthy relationships. It is what it is.

    • Jen says:

      You’re right. Life has to be accepted for what it is, not how we want it to be. It’s a crazy time and place so we just have to make the best of a bad situation.

    • C.j says:

      I can relate to that! Living in this suburb, there’s no one around.. Even on weekends. And the moment there is and they come home, the door slams shut. What pisses me off is when you smile and wave to someone you see staring at you in public and they look straight past you, turn the other way or laugh and start whispering things with the person next to them while staring at you the whole time. There are snobs around who think they’re better than everyone else, and then there are violent idiots, gangs and junkies etc. I don’t know where I fit in. But whatever I guess.

  6. Luna says:

    I am in high school right now and I have been for about 2 years now and I don’t have any friends. At the very beginning I had some friends but I just felt that being alone would be better than being a third wheel, the people I knew would always make me feel invisible. Now I look back on it I’m wondering if I did anything wrong or seemed too quiet but I really don’t see what I could have done wrong. I have looked at all the ‘how to make friends’ websites and tried really, really hard but I still had no luck. Have you got any ideas?

    Signed,
    Luna

    • Jen says:

      Hang in there Luna, my advice is to focus on school and let friends gravitate into your life. Friends will come along if you put out the right vibe. It’s hard going through school if you don’t fit into any cliques. I just kind of wandered around until I found my temporary niche. My adult life is very much the same way. I thought things would change, but they don’t!

    • Judy says:

      Hey Luna,

      Like you, I spent many lonely years in high school. I didn’t have any friends then! However, there’s one thing I noticed when I had the opportunity to socialize. I couldn’t relate to these people at all. Do you know why? They were BORING! I couldn’t believe the absolute nothingness that their conversations contained. Maybe you are a more profound and deeper person, or your interests are more varied – you’re just simply more interesting than they are. It took me quite a few years to realize that to be social in many instances, I actually had to dumb myself down. Either that, or seek out people I can relate to. There are many on-line sites or blogs through which people with your interests can commiserate and get together. I notice that people who are solitary (including myself) are true to themselves and to others. It’s hard for people like us to make friends when they can see through the fickleness and shallowness of others. When I was your age, I thought it was all my fault that I couldn’t make friends. That in itself actually created a self-esteem issue, but I slowly realized that I had the looks to win a boyfriend, as well as personality, as long as I found someone compatible. Of course, to find any partner takes time. After all, you shouldn’t buy a pair of shoes until you try them out!

      As you get older, you will find friendships change or wear out, but when you find true friendships, stick it out with them. Would you believe I have just ONE good friend, and a husband I only just recently married? Go ahead, socialize, go to parties. Have fun, but know that not everyone will become a friend.

    • C.j says:

      Wish I had some advice to give you, but I wasn’t popular in high school. The only thing is to let it happen naturally I guess, if it does. Just hang around a group that seems decent. Even if they don’t like you at first they will soon get to know you. I went through bullying as well. Which I think caused me depression and social anxiety.

  7. Luna says:

    I am in school and I haven’t had friends for about 2 years. I had ‘friends’ at the very beginning but after time I just felt like a third wheel which I found worse than beig on my own as they also never listened to me and just made me feel invisible. I have checked l these websites for making friends and tyres really hard and made myself presentable and acted just like I did at my old school where I had friends but for some reason it just didn’t work. Now I just really want to enjoy school because nowadays I don’t want to go to school and sometimes I even feel like crying at school but I have no one to go to. Any ideas?

    Signed,
    Luna

    • Kathy says:

      “Friends”, most of the time are just people that need something from you. Determine the difference in a person to hang out with, and a true friend. True friends may be busy, but will still answer you sooner or later. They may not be someone to hang out with in the meantime. Peoples lives change, and they sometimes neglect to initiate contact, but sometimes they would appreciate contact from you. The ones that don’t were never your friend. They just needed something at the time. Figure out the difference, and don’t give up. Put yourself in places where people are, and be nice! Funny is good too. :)

  8. Nancy says:

    Irene, it can be really all of the above or none of the above. All of these people are precious and unique. They just have not found people that they closely connect to. Every body needs someone that they connect with deeply. It may only just be one person. Some people need a lot of friends and others just need one. It’s very remarkable to find one person with whom we connect with deeply, not so remarkable to find many with whom we can meet on a superficial level. This is a craving that all humanity has. God is that ultimate connection; the only person who really knows us and can fill that void in our lives. No one else can fill that void but ideally, hopefully everyone can find at least one person with skin on to know who they are. Really, it’s not psychological at all … we were built to love and share, no matter what our personality or circumstances.

    • paul anthony says:

      I dont have many friends or even family I really click with im 47 now and pretty much a loner I have health issues and dont think it’s fair to be shunned and made to feel uncomfortable or in different by people for having them never asked to be unwell I have cut out near all friends and family now as I feel they do more harm then good there are 2 people on the planet I have time for and they live in another country

  9. Fred says:

    I’ve had this problem my whole life. I’m very successful but have not one friend unless I buy things for someone. I have tickets for several games of events but never go. I’ve called lots of people to go with me but they all say no. They seem to always think I’m giving them the tickets so they can go with someone else.
    I’m just tired I of it all. I have s huge house that no one has been in besides me in over two years.
    Ending my life just seems to be the best answer. I have family but they don’t care

    • Jen says:

      Fred, it sounds like you need to strengthen your friendships if they think you’re calling just to sell tickets. Either that or it’s just some kind of communication problem. Of course they may just be so focused on the events that they may be missing the point of the conversation. I would try a different approach. Lack of family is another trend I keep noticing. I think this carries over to our social lives.

    • CityGalSF says:

      I’ve had the same problem with people wanting things from me. It started with my childhood neighbor (3 yo on) stealing things from me without my knowing (until she blamed it on someone else). My parents said they caught her stealing a balloon once. In high school, there was a girl who stole my friends (well, multiple girls stole my friends), and the girl had the nerve to pretend to be my best friend all day out of nowhere and then ask for a ride home at the end of the day. Having lived in SF with a car, my SF carless friends always want me to give them rides if we do anything together, and if I don’t, they don’t go. They’re also underemployed and struggling financially when I’m not, so I do more expensive things alone always, like travel. I figure if I want someone to do something with me, I need to buy them the ticket. I haven’t received the same consideration on return.

      Also, having little family left as a 35 yo and having questionable friendships, I have thought what’s the point of being here as well. I had a cat that I would think needed me, so I can’t leave this world for her. She’s been gone a year now and I’m feeling the loss. I think pets can be our best friends when we’re in need.

      • Annie says:

        Fred,
        Your situation sounds very painful, and I am sorry for the isolation you must feel. But “ending your life” is not the answer at all, and I pray that you do not truly consider that. I do not know you, but I can assure you that you are a valuable human being created for a purpose, and created to have relationships with God and other human beings. I have sometimes felt on the outside of that myself–but I know that it is true. It is so, so hurtful when we feel others use us or ignore us–but that does not diminish our value. I hope, pray, and encourage you to try and find some folks who are interested in knowing you for who you are. I know that that is more easily said than done–but you might try to find a group at a church or even a group of others with shared interests.I would also recommend talking to a counselor and/ or pastor about these struggles. I know that there are people who would want to help.
        I recommend two books by Henri Nouwen: _The Inner Voice of Love_ and _Reaching Out_
        And verses such as these have helped me, even in the lowest times.

        Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

        Psalm 27:10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.

        Please remember that your life is unimaginably valuable, and that your worth does not diminish because of those who have hurt you. I pray that you will find those who recognize and cherish this in you.

      • annie says:

        CityGal,
        I did not read this until after I wrote my response to Fred–but I would say the same to you. And I am so sorry for your pain.

      • Jen says:

        CityGal, it is unfortunate when someone “steals” someone from us, but instead of being angry, try to realize that the new friendship probably won’t last forever either. I had it happen to me once, and not only was it a blessing in disguise since this friend was a horrible influence, but the new friendship didn’t last long at all. Now both girls are unwed moms. Time catches up with everyone eventually.

    • annie says:

      Fred,
      Your situation sounds very painful, and I am sorry for the isolation you must feel. But “ending your life” is not the answer at all, and I pray that you do not truly consider that. I do not know you, but I can assure you that you are a valuable human being created for a purpose, and created to have relationships with God and other human beings. I have sometimes felt on the outside of that myself–but I know that it is true. It is so, so hurtful when we feel others use us or ignore us–but that does not diminish our value. I hope, pray, and encourage you to try and find some folks who are interested in knowing you for who you are. I know that that is more easily said than done–but you might try to find a group at a church or even a group of others with shared interests.I would also recommend talking to a counselor and/ or pastor about these struggles. I know that there are people who would want to help.
      I recommend two books by Henri Nouwen: _The Inner Voice of Love_ and _Reaching Out_
      And verses such as these have helped me, even in the lowest times.

      Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

      Psalm 27:10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.

      Please remember that your life is unimaginably valuable, and that your worth does not diminish because of those who have hurt you. I pray that you will find those who recognize and cherish this in you.

    • jade says:

      Hi Fred, I’m also tired of it all, trying to fit in a world that I simply don’t fit in. Unlike you, I have no income and am not the least bit successful. All my remaining family are in another country. Basically, I had a few solid friends at school, but nothing real since. I have been used and manipulated by another person who used me like a meal ticket and chauffeur, so I am familiar with people taking from me even though I have a lot less to give. I think they see me coming and I must be gullible and stupid. It is easy to make five minute acquaintances, but very difficult to find a true friend who has something in common with you.

      People make suggestions about therapy, getting counselling, going to a pastor etc. I have tried all of this and have been abused in several of these situations so beware. Due to lack of funds I had to seek help where I could find it and unfortunately, if you are poor, but not on social, there is not much available and some of the help is not the least bit helpful and is destructive. With you being successful, you may have a better chance of finding good therapeutic help to guide you back to a place where you have some hope and feel that there is a future again. If you go this route and find that you are not supported and feel worse, ditch the therapist immediately and find a new one.

      I wish you well, hang on in there because there might be someone looking for exactly you, maybe you could start reflecting on what kind of person this might be to you, you never know, you may meet in a strange and unexpected place. Don’t bother inviting people who don’t want to join you. How about winging it and go to the event on your own, someone might be looking for a ticket at the event, keep an eye open for potential persons.

      Please don’t give up, I’m trying my best not to, but it’s not easy, so please hold on too.

    • Irene says:

      Fred,

      Please don’t give up. Reach out for help. Of course, if you feel so despondent that you are thinking about giving up, contact a suicide hotline immediately.

      • A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.

      • In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.

      Best, Irene

    • Mrs. Chen says:

      Hi Fred,
      Sounds like you have a lot to give but no one special to give to, at this point anyway. Why not give to a group of people who, though not “special”, are extremely needy? You can volunteer both your time and your money. Find a cause that you believe in (or at least somewhat makes sense to you, if you are not passionate about any cause yet) and throw yourself into it.

      You are successful. Which means that you have skills that many nonprofits cannot afford. Say you offer to organize a fundraiser, you’ll 1)meet lots of people you have to work with who believe in the same cause and want to contribute, 2)you’ll actually make a difference! Even if you are cynical by nature, you won’t be able to help but feel good about yourself; and 3) it will force you take your focus away from your own self and onto others, who are in WAY worse plight. You will also realize how lucky you are and how much you have to contribute.

      And those tickets? Auction them off and donate to your cause! Do something creative with the auctions and have fun. Those tickets are going to waste anyway, so why not use them to do some good.

      Good luck. And please don’t end your life. The world has use for you.

    • Abi says:

      I’ll be your friend Fred. Or anyone else out there that needs someone to talk to. I know what it’s like not to feel like a part of this world.

    • angelica says:

      Pray and ask God to send the right people in your life. Look around you there are plenty opportunities to make new friends. Try approaching people that seems lonely, looks like they need a friend and be a friend to them.Help people that need help and befriend them

    • Christine Walter says:

      Hi Fred please don’t end your life it is not the best answer.

      Thank you
      Christine

  10. Nat says:

    Often, our inability to handle too much social stimuli or being around people lacking depth or superficial people or inauthentic people has more to do with our / their energy and our spiritual path – I realize not everyone is ready to hear that or understand it, but if one opens their mind just enough, you may begin to open a door that holds the key to answering all these issues. Good luck :-)(BTW –
    nothing to do with religion)

    • CitygalSF says:

      I’m an only child and definitely feel overstimulated in social situations if it lasts too long. I’ve always had a small group of friends, who didn’t always mesh as a group because they’re so different, but it works for me because of how exhausted I get spending time with a big group and for my need for different kinds of friends. I get to connect with them on a deeper level socializing one-on-one, which is great, but I guess the connections aren’t as strong as I think because my closer friendships maybe last 3 years and then something happens that puts them in the acquaintance category and we hardly talk or spend time together anymore, as if we EVER really spent much time together anyway.

      I’ve always had things my friends didn’t, creating a bit of jealousy I’m sure. I’ve been bullied, lied to, judged my entire life and it hurts so much when I never do that to my friends. When I find someone who I think I have a deeper connection with, since we have so much of ourselves in common, I feel like I get pushed to the side by that person. Why do I get pushed away to the perimeter when I feel like we should be inner circle friends?

      I like my alone time and can’t survive without it. I mostly feel like socializing at work and out and about in the world satisfies my need for daily interaction at a basic level, but I feel wanting for people to share experiences and create memories with. THAT’S when I feel lonely. Then, and when I’m in need and my friends drop me because something big happens, like my mom dying or me getting diagnosed with a chronic illness…or even needing a little help moving or something more simple. If that’s when you learn who your true friends are, then there must be almost no true friends out there. It makes me sad.

  11. Snoogkraktor says:

    Once upon a time I had friends. My birthday parties in elementary school were always packed with outer-circle friends, inner circle friends, and my two best friends, along with some of theirs. It was a magical and fun time, being 7, 8, 9, and 10. 11 was the last year I ever had so many social contacts and people who I interacted with. We moved after that, from California to another state. I made three friends and one new best friend there, and tried to keep in touch with those in California. However, it began to go downhill.

    We moved yet again, this time to the deep south. Following that, back to the desert in another state. I made one real friend there, but unfortunately another move took away my last friend. From then on out throughout college, and my career… I have had no friends.

    My attempts to contact old friends have been for naught, they’ve moved on with their lives, and so have I. We no longer share the same interests, and none of them look the same as I remembered. I still see them all in my mind when they and I were children, like a time capsule.

    Today I am alone, and I turn 30 next year. I do not participate in Facebook, Twitter, or “Social Media” in spite of trying it out before, as it feels fake. It feels alien and unlike the childhood I remembered when we’d go everywhere together, or in smaller groups, where we’d explore this strange life, and each year seemed like a bold new adventure.

    I go to work. I come home. I eat. I sleep. I repeat. This is life? I feel like I am not even living. This alien world of disconnection and disconcerting lack of concern for other people bothers me. This strange disconnection from what it used to mean being a human being, to what it has become with technological interfaces is similar to walking into a classroom where no one speaks your language – and its the wrong room to begin with.

    But unlike that – you can leave the classroom. You cannot leave this strange society of buzzing lights, ringtones, faceless humans behind text, and this awesome irresponsibility in what everyone says and does.

    I sleep. I work. I sleep. One day I will die.

    At least with friends, you leave some kind of impact. When you have no-one, you are invisible, and will be invisible to the end.

  12. Snoogkraktor says:

    Once upon a time I had friends. My birthday parties in elementary school were always packed with outer-circle friends, inner circle friends, and my two best friends, along with some of theirs. It was a magical and fun time, being 7, 8, 9, and 10. 11 was the last year I ever had so many social contacts and people who I interacted with. We moved after that, from California to another state. I made three friends and one new best friend there, and tried to keep in touch with those in California. However, it began to go downhill.

    We moved yet again, this time to the deep south. Following that, back to the desert in another state. I made one real friend there, but unfortunately another move took away my last friend. From then on out throughout college, and my career… I have had no friends.

    My attempts to contact old friends have been for naught, they’ve moved on with their lives, and so have I. We no longer share the same interests, and none of them look the same as I remembered. I still see them all in my mind when they and I were children, like a time capsule.

    Today I am alone, and I turn 30 next year.

  13. MIchael says:

    The truth is strangers make better friends than people that actually know you. Most, give you more respect anyways, without being pressured to care. Eventually, you want to have a deep conversation with a person, not be a person that gets problems dumped on them. That’s me to a T. Like, I just want to talk about sports, or movies, and that is a hard friend to find. So I hang out with strangers more now a day’s in my 30’s. Old friends call, but they are creatures of habit, and just same-ole-same-ole lol. I rather enjoy this being alone thing. Too many burdens to list, but similar to a lot of them on here. Good Blog, and I’m glad I had the chance to participate.

  14. A BIG HELLO TO ALL!!!

    Believe this: “No Matter What Race, Religion or Income level, Your Best Friend begins with You and how you Feel about Yourself!!!” Be Your Best Self, Inside and Out, and get on with the Business Of Living Your Life!!!
    Take up a Hobby (there are 1000’s) Volunteer at a Day Care Center or Babies/Teens at risk facility or Assisted living facility, etc.

    Remember: “There is a difference of being “Lonely” and “Alone Time”

  15. gella says:

    Hi. in my case.. i’m a senior college student and i’m 20. I have friends but i don’t really consider them as true bestfriends that are like my sisters, i don’t have a bestfriend. The thing is, i don’t feel like they treat me as a true friend, they only get close to me when they need something.. i had this kind of situation since i was very young, i came from a bit well-off family so i can sometimes be generous so i really don’t know if they are my real friends or they’re my friends because they benefit from what i got.. i always feel so lonely thinking whether if i have real friends and at my age that’s pretty much what i need.. Friends, Bestfriends that are with me because i’m important to them and not because they want something from me. I always friends around me but i feel so out of place or a wallflower it’s like i don’t belong. :(

  16. Sam says:

    I’ve lost just about all my friends as I always end up offending them. I just get tired of people. It’s strange how things work. Yeah maybe I did not go to your wedding when you invited me or a party…it does not mean I hate your guts or I’m not happy for you and have something against you. I just can’t deal with too much social stimuli. It makes me tired. Therefore labeled flaky, guess I’m a terrible and selfish person! Guess what though if you ever just wanna talk I’m always there. Seems nobody wants that kind of friend anymore.

    • Marilee says:

      Sam,
      You are an EMPATH. Only 5% of the population is like you ,and the way you feel is normal for us. Please look this up and you will be amazed. There are sites on the web just for people like us (I recommend empathcommunity) where you can find others like you who understand the need to have alone time, after absorbing everyone else’s emotions exhausts you. We can become completely worn down by the energy others give off that we take on. You can learn to control it, protect against it, and that you may have some amazing abilities that most people don’t.

    • jade says:

      Sam, I relate. I feel totally wiped out after being with people. I dread coffee with a woman who probes me about my life and says nothing about hers. Went for a walk with someone today, expecting to come home and continue painting my room, only I was too mentally and physically exhausted to get far with that. People who don’t know my circumstances pressure me to volunteer, meanwhile I’m having trouble holding things together and taking care of myself. I want a friend, not an inquisitor or manipulator or someone who tells me what they think I should do without any true thought or care.

  17. Sebastian says:

    Is this discussion still open for comments.

  18. Sherry says:

    I share a lot of what everyone is experiencing here. 43 yo and have had issues making friends since I was born. Shy, introverted. I to am caring, a great listener, always willing to help a friend in need, loves unconditionally. I’d be a great friend if someone would take the time to get to know me. But that could be it. How can someone get to no me. I’m introverted, not so trusting, protective. On this site there’s a lot of talk about organizing get-togethers. It’s hard to get develop more meaningful connections with multiple people in the mix. How about focusing on just one friend at a time, really getting to know who they are, what they love, etc. For instance a “friend” of mine (not a close one, we get together like once a year). Anyway I know she loves horses. If I truly wanted to know her more deeply and invest in the friendship I’d find some activity to do with horses, I’d call her up, say hey I know you love horses, as do I and I’d love to share this experience with you. I like to think of it as “creating memories together”, the more positive memories and stories you create together and can share, the more bonded you become. Just a thought. I’ve yet to do this, always thought about it so I’m going to give it a try. Also, laughter is key too, at least for me. I notice if laughter doesn’t come easily between me and another person (when it’s just the two of us)then it usually doesn’t turn into something deeper. There are a few people on the planet that laughter does come easily with and these, interestingly, have been my most deepest meaningful and valuable friendships, solid and unconditional (even though we only see each other sometimes, and they have all there other friends, I know in my heart of hearts they care about me, and that makes all the difference. best wishes to you all in finding your joy, whatever that might be.

  19. A loyal friend says:

    I am just writing about my concerns with the initial response from Irene. The response implies that it is the person with no friends that has a problem or impairment in her character. I am 35, I look after my health and appearance, I’m comfortable with myself, not shy and generally always get what I want through hard work. I find most other girls are envious and insecure of other secure women. I don’t think its fair to imply that it’s the person with no friends that has a flaw in her character, most successful people unfortunately don’t have friends. I think it is really hard to find friends that are really happy for you if everything is going well in your life.

  20. INA says:

    I HAVE EVERYTHING AND HAVING NOBODY..GREAT..I am sorry, I didnt read anything from the posts..I gave everything to my friends, because I believe in doing good…I am not saying I am giving up..but..thats life..but it kind of hurts..If you would see me on the street, I have everything for you..well, it is fake..like everythings that touche rich or happy people.I AM NOT REALLY RICH..BUT I HAVE MUCH MORE THAN MY CHILDHOOD FRIENDS..but it didnt make me happy..and I am alone..maybe its weird

    • Iw says:

      Hi Ina,

      I’m sure you are a valuable person. You’re trying to give to others something of your own. Maybe others Will envy, often this is? or You could just hit the wrong people. You must have a passion?? (for music, sports? etc.) It’s easier to find real friend, when you have somtehing in common? (passion – sport, music, art)
      If you want to talk email me. I am on the other side of the world. I have other lives and other issues.

      It will be fine. You’ ll see.

  21. Susan says:

    I never had real close friends it’s hard to find someone most friends want be your friend unless you have something to offer it seems I’m used up ! I am tired of giving everybody selfish ! I’m tell it like it is person ! I don’t paint a flower ! Takes to long ! I guess I try to be your friend but I’m not kissing any rear ends sorry I don’t beg for love it’s got to be nature ! I sound hateful but I’m not just honest !

  22. Victoria says:

    Actually, many people do not understand what friendship really means. And, hence I’m a female, I can tell you about other women. Generally, it is true that two women can have a friendship based on mutual interest, but rarely on true and genuine love. In case you are too beautiful to be friends with the smart, too smart to be friends with the beautiful and too free to be friends with everyone with all the burdens, all that may result in having no friends at all. Most women are weak creatures prone to large amounts of jealousy towards even their “closest” friends. This will make them speak bad about you, hate you because other people approve of you and anything else I can’t even imagine. I have had a childhood friend sharing about how my boyfriend beat me up with a bunch of people I don’t even know, but I’ve partying with at a venue. I have had my closest friend telling things about me that aren’t even true, so other people would like me less or even hate me. What else. Currently I have a bunch of new friends, who won’t put pictures of me they’ve made, probably because I look too good on them.Come to think of it, I’ve had this all my life, all these women taking pictures of me , that I never see and publishing only some I look bad on. Who needs friends like this? Not me. Recenty, I even got a new friend, who wrote something terribly put up in this media I work at and put my name on it. People are just not free and when they see or feel someone who is, they wish to destroy the freedom, so they feel more powerful. Still, I have mutual interests, and if I want to go to a club or outdoors I can go with them. I even like them and love them for who they are, but I know they’ll never love me, because they are not like me. I’ve had friends that are a lot more beautiful than I am and I’ve never done anything insulting to them. Frankly, I don’t really care what others think of me or do to me, because I know who I am and this keeps me strong. About men, I am not really sure, but it seems to go the same way. So, do not blame yourself for what others do or feel, it is up to them anyways. Concentrate on yourself and be whoever you want to be. Forgive people, they are weak and you are weak sometimes too, but if you forgive and they don’t, you’re the stronger one. Find a man, this is really important, at the end of the day, all women desert their other female friends to go to a man and if you don’t have one, you’ll always be alone. Last but not least, do not fear of being alone, you are enough to satisfy all your needs. Focus on what you want to achieve and the right people will come to you. Later in life, when you’re all settled, friendships get stronger. While you are young you need to fight for a place under the sun, so be careful what you share, never speak bad about yourself, your family or your whatever man there is around you. If there’s no one around you, go out and open up to the world, do not stick to the old, that does not satisfy you. Never stop believing and searching, real things exist in this world, but they never knock on your door, you have to go out and find the ones you wish for.

    • jaded and lonely says:

      I know how you feel. I’ve had so many “jealous” friends over the years that i just drift away from because they’re not equally happy for me when something good happens, like i am for them.

      The want to destroy happiness. For now, I’ve given up on true frienship amongst women.

      • Rain says:

        That is so sad. Of the 12 billion plus women in the world, you have judged us all from the few who treated you badly. WOW, that;s scary. I have never had true friends myself because I have Aspergers and I don’t think on an emotional level, I think logically and analytically. Most people find that hard to adjust to and that’s ok. It’s as hard for them as it is for me to understand the emotionally charged conversations and behavior of Neuro-typical (normal) people. What helped me though was the realization that if I want my difference recognized, accepted and appreciated, I must do likewise. I can’t have it all my way. So I accept people as individuals not representative of the whole. Now I have some very nice individuals who respect me and at the end of the day, respect is worth everything to me.

  23. Jennifer says:

    Hi Guys
    I don’t have many friends left. I once had quite a few but they all dwindled away when i stopped having parties.

    I think people get tied up in different ways of busy life and get very tired. So tired that they forget to contact you and then they feel bad that they left it so long and you haven’t contacted them either, so there you go.

    Maybe you have the most energy to organise everyone to get together. Maybe do it once a year and then you can tell everyone at the get together that someone else has to organise the re-union the next year and hands up please who wants the honour. You will see how many people are too busy. Some people are in bed by 7pm. Doesnt give them long to do any organising. Please dont think it is bad to be the organiser. I love organisers.

  24. Chifu says:

    all my life I’ve tried to keep friends but they still leave me anyway ……..I’ve tried to let it be and be alone only problem is I still don’t feel whole alone
    I love and give my all ….am not perfect and tired of crying to myself cos I don’t even have anyone I can tell this to …..help

    • simon says:

      Hi it seems like there’s alot of females with no friends I just wanted to add as a male I also have no friends any family I was close too has died im 39 and deeply deeply lonely I have three children that I see at the weekends but I have no one to talk to and just feel lost I try my best with people I try and be the best person I can be but it seems I’m destined to be lonely the red of my life and I realm hate it.

  25. Amber says:

    I have no friends and no one close to me with exception of my husband. This is because #1 I’m very shy and not only that, I’m an introvert. I would much rather spend time alone or with my husband than with the vast majority of people. #2 I seclude myself from the world. I have low self esteem and isolate myself if I feel that I can’t measure up to other people’s standards. #3 I lose interest in other people quickly. Once I have captured the interest of an aquaintence/new friend I lose interest in them. I don’t know why, I feel it’s my fear of being rejected or hurt. I will straight up ignore them…I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it.. :/ I want friends, but not right now. I was betrayed by many people in my life that I was nothing but loyal to and I don’t want to face that heartbreak again.

  26. rich says:

    I believe people like to be in control if you appear to your friends that you need them more than they need you they no you will always end up running to them all the time don’t contact your friends again unless they contact you even if this means you have zero good friends treat one another equally if your aware that its you who always has to make the first contact in order to socialise then your friends are also aware of this sounds like you need a clean brake away from them an just because the same path has followed for a long time means nothing truly

    • Jen says:

      That’s very true, Rich. I’m taking a break from my so-called friends right now because I’m the one who always makes the first move. It’s important for friendships and relationships to be balanced.

      • Johna says:

        Same here. I’m an immigrant and it’s been very difficult to make any real friends here. I was always the one initiating contact and then I decided to just stop doing that. All those contacts, five or so, have faded away. I’m better off for it. I was lonely and needed friends but couldn’t find any real ones. For a while I opted for being the one initiating the contact in the hope of reciprocation but that never came. I think it’s harder for people to connect with me because I’m from Europe. I’m a beautiful and intelligent woman which are also real impediments to finding female friends. Women are wired for jealously and competition with one another and most of my friendships ended because the friend was jealous of my looks, good grades, salary, material possessions and god knows what else. I’ve not had many positive experiences with friendships and I’m kinda done with it. It sometimes gets lonely and fortunately my insurance covers counseling so if I need a friend I call my counselor. It’s great in many ways. I get an independent opinion, I process what’s bothering me, I get an hour of undivided attention. My solution isn’t optimal but I can’t find what I really want: a friend who is trustworthy, somewhat emotionally healthy and reciprocates. I’ve taken many attempts to make friends in the past 15 years here. People find me easy to be with, good with clients, I’m low key, easy to talk to. There’s nothing I can change about myself to make my self more likeable or improve my social skills. I can’t change that I’m European.

        • Milla says:

          Amen !!! I’m also European and getting friends in the US seems impossible. I’m always the one that sits alone etc. I have really tried hard the years I’ve been here, but have been hurt over and over again.

        • monika says:

          Johna I can relate to you on every level, I have experience the same for years and I find it quite daunting to say the least becuase been alone is not good. I go to work and then am back home alone in my home. I am dreading Christmas alone again for years. As far as am concern I fail to change the way I am in order to have friends. I will not be conform to people’s idea in order to be in the crowd. Why not drop me a few lines and we can be friends if that’s ok with you.

        • sla says:

          I am European as well. Little bit on the shy side. The less friends I have though the more shy I am. I certainly was not popular back home, but had some friends. But now I feel like an outcast completely and the accent certainly does not help. I am just starting grad school at NYU business school which is all about cooperation and team work and I am wondering how on earth am I going to be able to pull the projects off. It does not help that most men are these overconfident finance guys and most girls are preppy and uptight. I am smart, pretty but down to earth thanks to the way I grew up. Even at work everyone is so competitive, talking behind everyone else’s back. I can’t trust anyone. Ever since I got admitted to this prestigious institution, all I hear is stories from others about how they could have gone, but something stopped them or they got in and then something else happened. I did not apply to be better than everyone else, I applied to better myself. Also I find that people contact me a lot when they need something, always get invited to things like baby showers (I guess for gifts), but when they have a weekend bbq no one calls. I am always here to help everyone, but it is tiring. I feel so awkward inside, I guess that is what comes out on the outside as well. I don’t know. I guess I have to learn to live with it and accept it. Hopefully, I can get through grad school…
          Does anyone want to be friends? :)

  27. Azale says:

    Amit, what you wrote is very poetic, wise, and helpful. Thank you!

  28. Samia says:

    Hey Amanda and hello to everyone else as well
    firstly i agree with Tom.he is right.people today are selfish. thats all.
    they take you for granted.if you’re there for them, they ignore you, find excuses.and if you’re not there for them they’ll just find someone else.there’s no such thing as loyalty.
    the same happened with me.i moved to another city n was totally devastated by that.my life changed.it was horrible.but my best friend had decided from the moment i left that this long distance friendship isnt going to work.maybe irene is right in saying that theres an issue with me.i agree.i was too pushy.it felt like i was forcing her to talk to me.i must tel you all that i even accept my mistake.i used to taunt her alot.one of the reasons we’re not friends now.but my only question is:if i was there for her when she needed me,couldnt she be there for me too?if i could overlook a mistake or a flaw just because she’s my friend.couldnt she do the same?the answer is no.like tom said.selfishness.ability to hurt people delibrately without any regret.
    now im back in the same country.we met a couple of times at a mutual friends party.she behaves as if nothing ever happened.not angry not sad.even fine if i ignore her.she’s found another friend.and the worst thing is i still expect from her.i still expect that one day maybe she’ll realise.im an idiot i know.but cant help it.
    the thing is my biggest flaw is that i taunt people.ive improved alot since a couple of years but still i do it and i know it.another question is that if this is the only flaw in me,im caring,sensitive and il do anything for my friends and people i love.so why do people always have to point out this one flaw?even when they know im trying hard to not do it.if anyone has the answer id love to know :)

  29. TAWNEY says:

    I have no friends because they all are screwed up and i won’t join in the reindeer games. Like my granny always said to me- trust no man not even your brother whom has hair one color and mustache another.

  30. linda says:

    i alway been a caring person and like being with others, what i find with people is that if you dont do as there do, the friendship ends. i always was kicked or abused by the people i made friends with, not all of them but some, as long as i went along with want there wanted i was there friend.
    i had three or four good friend one 33year and still going.
    i now dont expect much form other still treat them nice even when i know that that there are not being nice to me. i find that no matter what i golng to be myself

  31. sabah says:

    hello
    i really felt like you are speaking to me in this post , because i’m having the same problem as you are. I’m 20 years old , and i was trying to make friends all my life ,but always screw up. i’m a very nice person , and i approciate friends when i find them , and always i’m the one who calls to meet , to study or anything . But after that …nothing ! And they meet behind my back and don’t tell me.
    i had these two best friends , i fought with one , but i kept my friendship with the other one , but suddenly they started to meet and always stuck together , and i found my self the only one who calls , or go to her … i felt so upset and lonely but this is the way it is , and i knew that they never being my friends in the first place . so get over it and approciate your self. Someday you and I will finally find someone who really and truely cares.

  32. Lalita says:

    I saw an article in the NY Times that was about people who intentionally look to live with roommates because of loneliness.

    The article is here: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/17/realestate/sharing-a-new-york-apartment-by-choice.html?ref=realestate

    I think it’s worthwhile to think and pray about that as a possible solution to loneliness. There are also communal living organizations where you can live with like-minded people: http://www.ic.org/the-fellowship-for-intentional-community/

    Getting over loneliness is a lot of work; you have to open and vulnerable, take chances on invitations and put yourself out there.

    • Johna says:

      This is really not a solution. Loneliness is not resolved by just moving in with a bunch of other bodies. Not everybody is good company and most people here describe people that have treated them poorly. Loneliness might be the healthy response to a sick society where human beings have invented a lot of social fluff to have to never ever get involved with one another at an emotional level. If you’re lonely it doesn’t always mean you’re the one that is the problem. It’s natural to suffer when you’re lonely because we humans are social creatures. Is our superficial society, where everyone collects friends on Facebook but where most people don’t have any in real life, not to blame for the loneliness epidemic? The healthy response to such a superficial culture where human contact is diminished to a like on Facebook is the feeling that something is sorely missing from your life: real human connection, real friends. Loneliness is a problem in western culture. It’s not in other cultures. For people to move in together, you need to share the same values, have some level of emotional maturity, like each other, and be committed to making it work, otherwise you’ll be in for a rough ride. If 50% of couples divorce, how likely is it that social experiments like this are going to work? Our culture values winning, competition, getting ahead and self-centeredness. Now you throw a bunch of people who grew up with these values together because they’re lonely. If people can’t even get along in a marriage, this type of communal living circumstance with total strangers is even harder.

      • Jen says:

        You’re right sometimes I feel even more lonely surrounded by people. I just don’t feel a real connection to anyone. Everything is so superficial, and very few people have the decency to be honest with themselves and others. I think they’re afraid of the truth. They’re afraid of being alone. I’m not afraid of being alone. As a matter of fact I’m starting to really like it. Give it a chance-it gets better.

      • MysticSpirit says:

        Loneliness is the response to a superficial , competitive ,materialistic society where ‘ hooking up’ and instant attachment and detachment pass for love, and coarse , crass , comments pass for humor .

        So what is the solution I wonder ?

        Finding like-minded people through volunteering for a good cause ; love of a particular sport , say playing on a team together ; a love of books leading to joining a book club and finding people like oneself . Joining a hiking club if one loves Nature and being outdoors and finds nice people .

        I have tried all these things , and met many interesting and nice people . I also enjoy my work very much . However to be perfectly honest , it is not easy to find the real , sincere , close , true friends that one makes early in life say in ones 20s maybe , where there is a vulnerability and everyone is more or less in the same boat . Maybe when I was in my 20s life was a little bit nicer and less ruthless . But now at midlife , I find that what happens is that one has acquaintances related to various activities, the emotional closeness and trust of real friendship is rare.

        Any thoughts ?

  33. Buzz Malone says:

    It sounds like she does have friends just not the way she wants it to be. The first thing I noticed was she dump her friends when she younger but now she learn that it was little things. There are people who love having friends that initiate things. She is probably give signals that she wants to maintain control.

  34. Ben Kelly says:

    I’ve got no friends and I love it because I know nobody will ever use and abuse me again. I’ll be a friend to others though. I had a real friend once but he died in the Australian Special Forces. I had a girlfriend for 3 months when I was 31 and her name was Amanda! No, it is pretty lonely. :( Just silence.

  35. Missy says:

    I think Tom’s post was fantastic and cut through a lot of the fat. I just wanted to add that after finding this wonderful blog it occurred to me how everyone who has posted/read posts sought out as a seeker to find someone that captures their experience in order to put words to it: myself included.
    That alone (I would like to think) separates us from the folks Tom mentioned in his post. Those folks are disconnected on so many levels: from their truth (what is going on that makes them say they are busy?) and many from their own lives. I’d like to think that all of us far and wide could meet in another day and age before technology became such an obstacle because connecting was more natural and genuine. Yes, having 1000 facebook contacts are contacts NOT friends. Folks are “busy” opting many times to bullshit about who said what on facebook instead of connecting over dinner with someone like Tom. Hence, clearly I don’t do Facebook.

    Now, for those of us “in touch” with the pain of having to be left with loneliness and that raw sense of vulnerability while Navigating our marriages, lives etc we know enough to know Facebook is not the connection we seek but instead that thing that is born out of human contact. We’ve opted to even seek a connection here versus connecting to the disconnect.

    I wish you all well as I have learned much from your posts!

    Missy

  36. Tom says:

    Irene,

    I was doing some internet research about family and friends who don’t care or seem to not communicate the same way I do.

    This past year, with both friends and family, I am realizing I am just DIFFERENT and in life, folks are just plain RUDE.

    You see, I am not oblivious to how we live our lives in this hustle-bustle, slaves to work, busy families, internet and social media and tech driven world we live in these days. Matter of fact, after being in the military and having more time on my hands, I can see that my life is not the same as many others.

    One thing I can definitely tell you is people these days make EXCUSES for why they don’t communicate properly and timely, as well as, they make excuses for why they don’t have time for why they can’t hang out stating the BIG LIE…….I AM BUSY.

    What does “I am busy mean?” It really is translated as “You are not a priority to me right now and I don’t have time for you in my life.”

    Why do people, family, friends, coworkers, etc.. constantly make excuses as to why they can’t hang out, why they don’t return texts or calls, why do they always say “I am busy.”

    It’s because as humans, we are LAZY and SELFISH and unless it benefits us personally, most of us don’t go out of our way to show LOVE or SELFLESS SERVICE (Doing things for others without expecting anything in return).

    Now, think about this, really, think hard.

    1) If you want a flower to grow, what do you do? WATER IT.

    2) You can’t love anyone else, until you love yourself first

    So, these #1 and #2 above, what do they have to do with anything? Well, most relationships fail due to LACK OF COMMUNICATION…..just as flowers die without adequate water.

    If folks don’t communicate properly, timely, and effectively, then the person receiving or not receiving the message feels hurt, not loved, or the biggest, like they are not a priority to the other person.

    Whether its our mom, brother, husband or wife, kids, etc… when our friends or loved ones don’t take an interest in us or talk to us right, they we automatically feel left out and like they don’t care.

    But, as aforementioned, in this crazy social tech world that runs fast, we forget that ones family, spouse, kids, or work usually are the priority, not our friends and vice verse.

    So, HOW DO WE COPE? We use what is called the DIRECT APPROACH. It worked when analazying bad guys in the military or trying to get info., so just be straight forward and if the person REALLY CARES, they will 1) Listen, 2) Show empathy and compassion, and 3) They will try to make the relationship work and fix what might be broken.

    If they don’t, then you keep it moving, find new friends, leave that family member alone and if it’s your wife or husband, you talk it out and MAKE IT WORK.

    Everyone else, you don’t chase after, you don’t do all the work, make them work too and care and if they are too freakin’ lazy or constantly makes excuses as being busy, LET THEM GO…..

    The 2nd point above, we have to make time for ourselves, first and foremost. Whether it’s prayer time, meditation time, exercise time, reading time, etc…. if we put our God and ourself first, then our spouse, then family, then friends, it will workout.

    Lastly, learn to keep some things private and don’t put yourself out there or make yourself available all the time. Stop calling for say a month or so and write down who reaches out. Let others invite you to things and if they don’t, don’t hang out with them anymore, focus on yourself and family and be happy with that.

    If friends are true friends, they will MAKE TIME FOR YOU….if not, they were never really a friend.

    • Suzie says:

      EXCELLENT post, Tom- one of the best I’ve ever read on this site! And of course I agree with everything you said, 100%. :)

    • Peggy says:

      What great advise, thank you!

    • Anya says:

      I am so glad I read this post.I fully understand everything you’re saying, it makes sense. Totally agree with you’re quote “If friends are true friends”, they will make time for you, if not, they were never really a friend.” I am going through the relationship where if I don’t pursue things or initiate conversation I am excluded from my group of friends. I have to be the one to organise things or else I am left out. Personally I’, in my late 30’s and too old to put up with this nonsense. I am now focusing on those who I love and love me back, my family, my children, my husband. All else can be lost I don’t care anymore.Effort was put in to my friendships and if they don’t accept me then they are not worth it and not important in my life.I am really caring and not a in your face type person and yet this is what friends do to you!!!

      • Sandra says:

        This is exactly what I am going through. I am a generous and giving person to a fault and if I ask for a little ‘help’ I’m ignored. I have never treated people the way some people have treated me. I’m now putting my efforts solely into my family and two good friends who are equally giving!

      • Elle says:

        Anya, at least you have your husband and children. For some us who are single, it’s worse. And having no friends or little social interaction is damaging and not easy to deal with on a day to day basis. I feel I am caring and respectful…yet do not get that reciprocated from many. Whatever..will focus on the 2 friends I do have. Quality over quantity.

    • Laura says:

      This is so true, because I’m having a really complicated mess with my past “friends”, they didn’t bother clearing up with me what exactly happen even after I told them. They didn’t bother asking, talking or showing any concern what so ever to how I was doing. Sadly this sounds a little egoistical, but well that’s what it is, a showing of reciprocation between two of you, a give and take. Well, I tried salvaging, but to no avail, nothing. So I’m moving on, and seeing if I could make close friends again, that are really true friends.

    • Julie says:

      So true Tom. Believe and follow the Lord, and he will make sure our family and friends are true, REAL friends and nourishing to our souls. :) There is no mistake about that.

    • mary says:

      Tom, you have the best advice. Really helped to uplift me.

  37. Becky Jones says:

    I am Becky Jones by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address dr.okorospelltemple01@ gmail. com, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr. Okoro. His email: dr.okorospelltemple01@ gmail. com

    Dr. OKORO NUMBER: +2348110496023

    • Suzie says:

      This is beyond ridiculous- is there any way that posts like these can go right to spam so they aren’t even displayed?

  38. Ron says:

    Wow I feel the very same way, having no friends, and I am a 59 year old man. I just don’t understand why I have no friends, I try to be friendly and acceptable but I think there is just something about my personality that drives them away. I am not necessarily the smartest cookie in the jar but neither am I dumb or stupid. I have tried to diagnose and pay attention to others reactions but not really sure just what is causing this state of loneliness. I was married for almost 25 years but that was 9 years ago and I have a terrible time meeting women because I don’t want to deal with rejection and all the pain that goes with a breakup or just not being accepted. I just recently lost a lady friend because of jealousy and anger and very negative responses to her and another person. I don’t like being by myself all the time but have just come to accept it as the way I will live my life out till the day I die physically. I say it that way because I feel like I die everyday because of just being alone and having no close relationships. Is there any help for some one like me as old as I am I would truly love to have a another woman in my life, I just don’t know how to go about doing it.
    Thank you for reading this.
    Ron

    • brigit says:

      Hi Ron,
      Just read your reply on here.You sound like a good man..am just like you and can definitely relate.i try being nice to people.i have a really good heart but for some reason no one really wants to be deep with me in terms of frienship..its like i make all the effort and get nothing in return.And sometimesbeen alone can be so depressing and health wise damaging.How wish you were more closer to my age range,maybe we could get to know each other better.(Am 31 by the way).
      Anyways best of luck with the rest of your life and you can always email me anytime. Brigit from london.

    • Elle says:

      Tom, very well said. and I agree wholeheartedly. Some people are “users”…and they are toxic. So, if those people are “too busy”…great. Leave it at that. And Tom is right, our family and our kids should be our priority. However, when your family ties are not super strong, friendships become that much more important, as all of us need a strong support group. I have a motto…in order to have a friend, One needs to know how to BE a friend. Why would someone have no friends? OK, I will shed light here. I recently met with woman through a meetup.com event. She and I had great conversations, was extroverted, and enjoyed going out. It started out very light, easy breezy from the start. However, as time revealed…we spent more time, and she confided she had a conflict with various people, from other Meetup.com events, and some of which I knew on the surface. She had conflicts with both men and women…whom she spoke negatively about or mocked them somehow. Keep in mind, this woman is in her early 50’s. Regardless…eventually and recently, she has come across very abrupt and confrontational towards me…in a public venue at which point, I sent her a text letting her know her behavior was inappropriate, and that I do not appreciate how she came across. But perhaps it’s just her nature and demeanor. But yes, I have witnessed her speaking with others in front of me…and they subtlely excuse themselves…and move away from her. I am going to do the same. People oftentimes, are not able to see themselves. She is the common denominator here…and I am now convinced that the reason she is excluded from social events and people don’t include her in Meetups is because she can be rude. She needs to respect people. That’s why some of us don’t have any friends. I have very few…but the 2 friends I do have are respectful and supportive.

    • Elle says:

      Ron, you are not alone. And being 59 yrs old…is not necessarily why? Age is not a factor. As you can read from Brigit who is 31. I am 46, a healthy and happy person as well…and I would say I am positive, and social..but that hasn’t translated in having many friendships that are solid and long term either. I am respectful, and very reliable and supportive, but also have hard time, keeping friends and meeting others. I still try, through Meetup.com When you get older, the opportunities to meet others are more limited…especially if you are not working…although the people where I work seem to be standoffish and to themselves. I live in NYC…one would think it’s very populated…but people are plugged into their cells or music…and seem to be very disconnected…it’s quite impersonal for my taste. Do not fret Ron. PLenty of us feel lonely as you are…people with good intentions are not easy to find, but worth our time/effort. In terms of meeting a woman as a romantic interest..you should work on overcoming your shyness…and step outside your comfort zone. Do your part, put yourself out there, and make the effort. Rejection is part of pursuing ANY relationship or connection. I don’t enjoy flying solo all the time either, but have learned to accept it too. I have 2 very close friends, but we don’t see each other often. But they are great girlfriends, who are there for me, they don’t go out much, but that’s OK, they are high-quality people who are genuine. Today, that’s a rare gem to find! You can always email me.

    • Carol Curtis says:

      hi Ron I know what you mean about friendships. I’m 62 yes old and recently had a disagreement with a friend about trust a d honesty. but she doesn’t get. now we are not speaking. contact me Ron we can be friends.

  39. steven sanchez says:

    That is so true

  40. Shane says:

    Hello Amanda,

    Don’t be so hard on yourself thinking there’s something wrong with you.
    Some people are complete assholes and still they got friends who accept them for who and what they truly are.
    If people don’t like you, they never will no matter what you do… even if you change yourself to please them.

    Move on and find people who will appreciate you.

    And don’t forget to appreciate your own value. :)

    God bless…

    • Amit Kumar Sahoo says:

      Hi,

      Don’t worry friends if you don’t have friends! You have come alone and go alone. Nobody will accompany you when you die. Being alone kind of instills courage and confidence in you to do everything yourselves and to face the world. So just conquer over every place you are at, by the power of being alone.

      Amit Kumar Sahoo

  41. Travis says:

    I rather live in isolation. Friends over time has been a big disappointment for me. New friends are pointless. They only reason why I have the ones acting like friends is only because they always want something and the same with the old. In my opinion, friends don’t take kindness for granted and make a routine habit of being bothersome.

    At work,I have a co-worker paired up with me who is fairly new. We work good together as a team. He knows where I live and likewise, just in case one another need a ride to work or something in that nature. One day, he shows up at my apartment with his wife and, I’ll be dipped, he got dropped off and I suppose we was to intertwine and go out and kick it or how ever kids are saying it these days. I was like, What the freak! He came unannounced and was dumped on my front step. I don’t like being rude so I just went along with it for that night.
    Question. Someone explain to me, why dose one think just because we work together it means that we MUST hang together off the clock? It happens all the time! No matter how uninterested I show in connecting outside the job, people force their way in. I’m baffled!

    I am the exact opposite of my culture, yet I’m still a victim of new friends between 2 different stereo-types. I’m just going to have to say it. I’m black. What do that has to do with it. I’m just giving you a visual of this story if anyone knows the foundation and structure of “the hood”. I like rock, they like rap. I like chilling by the lake meditating my thoughts into the night, they like clubin’. I rather keep a professional attribute on the job, they treat public places as if there is brick wall in a comedy joint every where they go…Am I-Am I white? No! That was a little comedy relief on my behalf. My bad, though I did enjoy Seifeld…

    This post is just a little story I wanted to contribute and amuse you guys with so don’t take my words the wrong way. Though my question still stands. It depresses me at times until I finally achieve the isolation I desire, then depressed again when it is broken. Its funny. I’m happier when I am alone, but unhappy around friendship. That is another question I have to depend on the heavens to answer.

    .

    • Cat says:

      Oh the irony!

      Folks that have shared here can’t get people to return their calls or respond to their offers of friendship and then there is your problem where people invade your space unwanted. I suspect that people here will want to know your secret. Perhaps it is your complete disinterest that is so interesting?

      I also note that you are male. I’d be willing to bet that the vast majority of responders here that are sad about their lack of community and friends are women. We are simply built differently internally in our desires for closeness and connectivity to others. Personally I’d rather have your problem.

      Good luck to you in finding the privacy that you seek.

    • Voice of Reason says:

      Travis, i hate to be the one to ruin your post, but you’re a tad bit ignorant. You started off fine, but it went South rather quickly with the “They like rap”, “They like clubs”, “They They They” …People like YOU, who seem to work extremely hard on differential yourself from people who may have your skin color simply dislike urself more than anyone else of another race. You may wanna seek some therapy of some kind for your own piece of mind, maybe there you can find the root of dislike of yourself nd others who have the same skin tone. Coincidently, there are many black men afflicted with what youre suffering from in ordinary life nd especially in the entertainment world. BTW: Not all black people enjoy clubbing, Rap music and live in the “hood”. Lastly, there are millions of black American “Thinkers”….My only other suggestion to you would be to not comment on a blog where your main post Isnt about the Topic, lol. I could go on, but ur situation leaves one exhausted because as i stated above, there are many black guys like you nd even the little black fellows are following suit which is extremely sad, but unfortunately so true. Enjoy life, only GOD create beauty in everyone. Only INDIVIDUALS embrace their own choices regardless color. Good day Sir!

      • Travis says:

        I know. I just needed to hear it from someone! I thought California may be the answer, LOL. Its just hard for me to go to work or find a decent place to hang out without others trying to mold me into the culture they want me to be. Some people just cant accept me unless I am “game”. Others don’t want anything to do with me because the assume I am “game”. This behavior led me to live in isolation for many years. I’ve broke through depression countless of times until one day I realize that I am happier alone. Therefore, I quit trying and find post like this one to share my story, risking the truth or disheartening ridicule.

        • Sam says:

          hmm I’m a black guy and I don’t like clubbin’ and acting like a clown. Then again I’m not American, so yeah maybe that’s why.

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