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Ask the Friendship Doctor

Why would someone have no friends?

There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is more common than you might think.

QUESTION

Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?

Signed,
Amanda

ANSWER

Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity – Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style – Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Irene


Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS

Comments (4,318)

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  1. Kane Robert says:

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    • Sam says:

      Pleased to hear that you have managed to resolve the issues you had with each other, but I feel it should be pointed out that senior members of any religion and marriage Councillors are more than capable of delivering the same level of help and advice you received. I’m guessing in many conflicts like this, being willing to accept the advice given by any of those I have mentioned would have had exactly the same effect. I do wonder if the posting of this person’s email address, contravenes the rules of this blog?

  2. Sam says:

    I can think back to when I was 6 and remember realising I was different to most other people because I was disabled. One part of my disability, (which was Spina-Bifida and back in 1949 was a seriously life-threatening one, not helped much by 6 weeks later, getting a dose of Meningitis!) I am very proud of surviving from these, but also have to cope with a far less serious internal one which to this day I am still utterly ashamed of, but is also for all intents and purposes ‘Invisible’ because I don’t need to tell anyone about it. That I suspect, has indirectly caused me to become an introvert. Due to the skills of a famous neurosurgeon and for most of my life I have been completely mobile until my feet started giving me problems about 12 years ago.

    I had to attend special schools until I was about 11, where I definitely felt I was the ‘Odd one out’ because everyone else was more severely disabled than I was. When attending my last school which was a ‘conventional’ one, I pretty well felt the same but the reasons were the opposite way round so I kept myself to myself, for fear of my hidden disability being discovered. That feeling remains with me, as well as the knowledge that if and when a relationship kicks off and things begin getting serious, at some point I’m going to have to own up and quite often, when I have done so, I have been told I’ve been deceitful in not telling them earlier, or a few weeks later they have just walked away, without giving any reason.

    I don’t do small talk because I just don’t get what practical purpose it serves and anyway, a fair bit of this is gossiping about others who I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if because I don’t pass on others chit-chat, I’m considered a ‘waste of time talking to and knowing’. I yearn conversations which are about ‘things’. Sport, those team-building type things and pubbing where people are pretty well expected to let their hair down and waste money on drink, are things that are intimidating and make me feel really vulnerable.

    If I’m out and about, I’m on my own and see ‘strangers’ bump into one another, and within less than a minute they act as if they’ve known each other for ages, which is really soul-destroying because that kind of thing very rarely happens to me. I’ll sit in say a cafe on my own, whilst others around me appear with friends or make new friends.

    It’s as if when everyone else was younger, they were given copies of a book explaining all the rules of socialising, but I didn’t get one. How do I know if I’m doing something ‘wrong’ or indeed ‘right’ if I’m not told? Maybe, because of how old I am, when I make these socialising mistakes, people just assume I’m ‘weird’ and steer clear of me because they can’t believe that I don’t have the range of socialising skills they have? It’s a vicious circle, and I just don’t know how to break out of it.

    Where I can, I’ve always been a shoulder for others to cry on because I am a really practical and unemotionally-charged type of person who can be relied upon to help people see that there are more sides of an issue than they realis and won’t spill the beans about what they’ve said me, to anyone else. I get thanked for what I’ve done, but after all of that, I just get cast aside until they need help again. I’m also pretty sure they have no idea of the emotional turmoil I endure because I very rarely own up to it and fear that if I did, I’d end up being ridiculed.

    • Lukus says:

      Hi Sam,

      Your story is very inspirational, as you have overcome so much and still come across as a nice person without being cynical. If people don’t like you, that’s their bad luck, they aren’t the right people for you.

      I’m in my 30s, so somewhat different age group and whilst my story is very different, I completely understand your sentiments on wanting to talk about ‘things’ rather than idle gossip and partaking in mind numbing pastimes. Humans spend an inordinate amount of time on these low level interactions. What I have learned is that humans are still very primitive and tribal animals, we just happen to have developed complex and conscious minds on top of that. I have researched human psychology a lot now in books and through experience and these small talk rituals are an important ‘dance’ with moving through the phases from stranger to acquaintance. Even close friends do the small talk thing first before graduating (if you’re lucky) to more robust conversations. Most people have short attention spans and are not very intellectual, even if they are they would rather gossip or talk about football, or ‘insert inane topic here’. Worse still, most people are playing games, subconsciously, almost all of the time. They are fitting in with the role their ego believes it is within a group or relationship. I personally like to form strong one on one bonds and talk about ‘heavy’ subjects, like philosophy, psychology, history, environmental science, cosmology, theoretical physics, futurism, high technology, birds and animals – or most of the sciences. Like you, I am keen to lend an ear and help people through their problems, but would like to receive the same gesture in return. I also like to joke about here and there, but I appreciate wit rather than slapstick humour. I am also highly aware of hierarchical group dynamics, games people are playing or hidden agendas. Unfortunately, this style of friendship is not what most people are after, delve too deep into any subject, personal or intellectual and their eyes glaze over, you can almost see them partitioning you into the ‘geek’ or ‘aloof’ slot. I’m fine with that, I just haven’t met many geeks to befriend.

      My experience with most ‘friends’ has been that they want something out of the relationship and they are situational, i.e. when I was single, I had lots of ‘wingmen’ friends, who would want to go out every weekend to pick up, then when I settled down with a girlfriend they wanted me to come out and cheat on my partner, so I said it was wrong to cheat and ‘poof’ they were gone for ever. The other people wanted money or business connections and spent a huge amount of time and energy building my trust, so they could gain access to these resources, these are not real friends. I still have a few authentic friends, but they moved far away and speak rarely.

      Yes, I am cynical now towards most people, even though I try to hide this, which is why your comment resonated with me because you are not cynical, but you are hard on yourself. My thoughts about your situation, for what it’s worth, is to use the same strategy as I am trying, which is to pursue hobbies and interests, or volunteer, then build connections this way so you can get to talk about ‘things’ with people who also want that. There still isn’t really a way to get around the small talk, see it as a cultural ritual, it is needed to build trust and you get to find out if you like the person as much as they get to find out if they like you – a two way street.

      I personally like ‘the odd ones out’, they are usually my kind of people and have deeper, more insightful thoughts on the world. I think its due to looking from the outside in, you get to see the big picture, the view is pretty good from up here!

    • Alex says:

      Hi Sam, it is good to hear that you’re able to walk again. Though it starting to give you problems again. Hope the situation has stablise or improve for you.

      in regard of small talk, my situation is different from yours. Actually I have learned how to do small tallk, but due to previous experience of being burned in sucession. I have become rather cynical abt people in general. I usually don’t follow up for further contact. In short, I am mentally exhausted in this aspect.

      Now what I am going to say is rather depressing. So please skip it if you not in the mood to read such stuff.

      when I was at my lowest. Lost ex-girlfriend, ex-friends, job and an old cat in sucession. I did entertain the thought of suicide. Because, I have really noone to turn to. Guess as a man, the society has no sympathy for you in whatever so way. I think being label as a pussy would suit me. For suicide, I never had the strength to follow through. I did attempted once because I didn’t get any As for my secondary school exams. I guess my 14 years old self have more balls than my current myself.

      Yeah, guess life still goes on for me till I meet my maker. I am a heavy smoker anyway. Well, I think it’s rather unhealthy if I keep looking back. Either I will go insane or eventually I will opt out. Life goes on for me now and still remain an open ended story for now. Ciao.

      [Last name removed by moderator. To protect yourself from spammers, please do not use last names on this blog. Thanks!]

      • Irene says:

        If you ever feel so despondent that you are thinking about giving up, contact a suicide hotline immediately.

        • A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.

        • In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.

        Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 emotional support for those in crisis: http://www.crisistextline.org/ Founded by DoSomething.org contributors, this 24-hour texting hotline provides realtime emotional support for young adults. The program is designed to be a safe outlet for anyone to reach out to when they’re struggling with a mental health issue, whether it’s feeling depressed, bullied or anxious. The service is run by crisis counselors and is completely confidential and free of charge. To reach the helpline, text START to 741741.

        The GLBT Hotline provides telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States for teens and young adults up to the age of 25: Toll-free 1-800-246-PRIDE
        See the website for hours and additional info: http://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html

  3. Yve says:

    Hey, don’t worry so much about not having friends. Most friends turn out to be hypocrites anyway. The only person who truly cares about you is you. Never forget that. I am an extrovert and a v nice person but my friends always hurt me.. I don’t know why. If u feel lonely you can send me a DM on Twitter. My handle is @Sef_Sky . I can’t wait to hear from someone who feels lonely and wants to make a friend. Chao.

  4. Alex says:

    Just want to add on, in today’s developed societies. Adult friendships are fickle or should I say it’s a “friendship of convenience”. Furthermore, people tend to be more mobile and they have lots more plates spinning nowadays. If you ever have least one friend who bother to keep in touch with you, even both of you are busy with your own lives. That’s the person worth cherishing. I can be quite certain of own my fate, as looking at my own elderly parents. They did not have any friends as to speak of, even when I was a young child. I believe nurture have some contribution to this trait. I did try making some friends when I was here in Australia, but I was never really successful. Adults inherent instinct is to make friends who are somehow similar to themselves. As the saying goes, “birds of the same feather flock together”. Well, I have end this lengthy “essay” now. Good luck folks!

  5. Alex says:

    I am 36, unmarried, no children, haven’t talk to my elder brothers for years. My turning point was when I was 30, lost my cat, job, ex-friends and ex-friend within a space of 2 months. I became dysfunctional for abt 2 months. Let my hair grew long and unkempt, spoke less than 3 sentences daily. Locked myself in my parents’ apartment, only to go out for meals. My lesson learned is that always enjoy your own company alone. Though, I eventually became sort of functional when I met my second cat and adopted her.
    So, one fine day I decided to go for a haircut, got a job for 8 months then eventually left for Australia for further studies. The symptoms of my depression came back. Dropped out of 2 courses, seeked further psychiatric treatment and now I am back on my 3rd course, just finished my 2nd semester. My shrink said that I never really recovered from that series of events. (Which is true) So I am making the best out of my current situation. And yes, I am still without any friends.

    [Last name removed by moderator; to protect yourself against spammers, please do use last names on this blog. Thanks! Irene]

    • Alex says:

      * dysfunctional for 2 years.

    • Alexis says:

      Sadly, when it comes to things like this it have lasting impacts on people. I hope things get better for you.

      • Alex says:

        I just have to learn to enjoy my own company. Like right now, sitting in my car at 2.30am near my campus. Not sad nor depressed. Just zoning out.

    • a says:

      Hi Alex
      I am in Australia -Vic – too. I’m F, don’t like putting names on blogs or over internet. I’m single, staying at parents’ (not staying as in living there – they don’t want me living there cos of their own ideas, I have no where else and have been in abusive living conditions prior) but camping on floor with belongings mostly stored outside…technically homeless and by Dep.Emp. criteria).
      I understand about your cat. It’s happened to me a few times and likewise losing the job (a few times, through no fault of my own) I don’t think your initial ‘depression’ after losing your job, friends, cat was anything but normal reaction, sadness and grief, it’d also depend on what else was going on in your life and if you were already run down, tired or stressed and had little supports either by way of resources or people friends or family.

      Dropping out of a course because your health and happiness are a bit run down isn’t abnormal I don’t think (I have an M.A. years ago, but haven’t done much study since because of health and mood and energy and also dropped out of an M.Ed. and M.Sc. even though they were free for me…will get back to them perhaps when I am feeling better, I dropped put on Dr.’s advice).

      I’ve also lost contact with friends. I’m unemployed, for years now, except for an organisation – freelance and only staffed by myself – I ran for ESL tutoring and welfare assistance to CALD, migrant and refugee people but couldn’t earn any money from that the way it was so it was pro-bono.

      My family are not much help, 1 sister mended ,y dad’s computer which has helped me as I am typing to you from it now, another sister gives me free 2nd hand clothing but I also do things for her.

      Apart from that I have no one to talk to except very occasionally and not very often and try to talk to my dad about my problems but he’s not much of a person for that and always wants a quick fix and I suspect he’d prefer I didn’t take my problems to him although he says it’s ok.

      I am glad you found a cat, you are lucky, I have been thinking, even today, I wish I could afford a pet as it would avoid me feeling so anxious, down, run down as drastically as I do.

      cheers, keep trying with the study but look after yourself including your mood and mental health. Sometimes just going to a café and having a coffee by yourself and looking at people going past can – hypothetically, as sometimes it works for me, although I can hardly ever afford it – help mood and not feeling so alone.

      I envy you having a cat, I was up early this morning (around 4:30am) and thinking I need a pet. I have to be satisfied with visiting relative’s pets’ these days.

      • Alex says:

        Hey a, not sure whether you will ever read this. Let me tell you something. My cat now is back in Singapore, being looked after by my mother. This cat is/was the cause I am partially functional again. Animals don’t judge from my perspective. But this animal is not with me right in Australia. I know owning a pet is out of the question right now for you. But my advice find something to inspire you on for the rest of your life. I believe I owe something to this dear creature somehow, something I can never repay. She made feel wanted when everything went to the fence. Drop me an email or any contact if you ever need a chat.

    • a says:

      Hi Alex
      I am in Australia -Vic – too. I’m F, don’t like putting names on blogs or over internet. I’m single, staying at parents’ (not staying as in living there – they don’t want me living there cos of their own ideas, I have no where else and have been in abusive living conditions prior) but camping on floor with belongings mostly stored outside…technically homeless and by Dep.Emp. criteria).
      I understand about your cat. It’s happened to me a few times and likewise losing the job (a few times, through no fault of my own) I don’t think your initial ‘depression’ after losing your job, friends, cat was anything but normal reaction, sadness and grief, it’d also depend on what else was going on in your life and if you were already run down, tired or stressed and had little supports either by way of resources or people friends or family.

      Dropping out of a course because your health and happiness are a bit run down isn’t abnormal I don’t think (I have an M.A. years ago, but haven’t done much study since because of health and mood and energy and also dropped out of an M.Ed. and M.Sc. even though they were free for me…will get back to them perhaps when I am feeling better, I dropped put on Dr.’s advice).

      I’ve also lost contact with friends. I’m unemployed, for years now, except for an organisation – freelance and only staffed by myself – I ran for ESL tutoring and welfare assistance to CALD, migrant and refugee people but couldn’t earn any money from that the way it was so it was pro-bono.

      My family are not much help, 1 sister mended ,y dad’s computer which has helped me as I am typing to you from it now, another sister gives me free 2nd hand clothing but I also do things for her.

      Apart from that I have no one to talk to except very occasionally and not very often and try to talk to my dad about my problems but he’s not much of a person for that and always wants a quick fix and I suspect he’d prefer I didn’t take my problems to him although he says it’s ok.

      I am glad you found a cat, you are lucky, I have been thinking, even today, I wish I could afford a pet as it would avoid me feeling so anxious, down, run down as drastically as I do.

      cheers, keep trying with the study but look after yourself including your mood and mental health. Sometimes just going to a café and having a coffee by yourself and looking at people going past can – hypothetically, as sometimes it works for me, although I can hardly ever afford it – help mood and not feeling so alone.

      I envy you having a cat, I was up early this morning (around 4:30am) and thinking I need a pet. I have to be satisfied with visiting relatives’ pets these days.

  6. Amanda says:

    Steps to having social abundance:

    1. Love yourself more and more every day.
    2. Love yourself more than you love other people.
    3. Love yourself enough to let go of the past.
    4. Forgive anyone who has hurt you so you don’t hold onto that negative energy.
    5. Spend some time examining your beliefs about relationships. Really examine these.
    5. Re-write all the negative beliefs into positive affirmations that you say to yourself as many times daily as possible.

    Examples:

    “I am loving and lovable”
    “I am open and receptive to healthy lasting relationships”
    “I release my need to distrust”
    “I trust the process of life”
    “I know that right action is always taking place”
    “I am safe and whole regardless of having friends”
    “I attract friends easily and effortlessly”

    These are just examples. Love yourself enough to make ones specific to you and your situation. You deserve it. You’re a living breathing being and you need to be gentle with yourself. We all deserve friends and we need them. Humans are social creatures by nature. Even if you do not believe these affirmations at first, keep going and keep saying them. As Muhammed Ali said “It is the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief leads to deep conviction, things start to happen.”

    I use this technique for other things and I decided it could be really useful for loneliness too or experiencing a lack of friendship. Since I’m going through that right now in my life, I will be doing this too. I say affirmations everyday. I even keep a picture of myself as a child on my mirror as a reminder to be kind to my inner child.

    We have to stop believing we are not worthy of great friendships. That belief is buried way down deep so dig it up. Cry, scream in your car, dig a hole in the dirt, beat up your bed pillows if you need to. it’s okay to express yourself. safely. once you do you’ll feel so much better and happier even without having friends. but you’ll have planted a seed to change your beliefs and you’ll have a new energy about you. an energy that will attract new and lasting relationships.

    you see, there are no problems in life really. no matter what, I’ve learned they are all just learning opportunities. really hard tough things to learn still need to be learned. life gives us plenty of opportunities to learn what we need to…we just usually call them problems bc we were taught to call them problems. have I started changing your beliefs yet?

  7. Matt says:

    I am 41 years old, no kids, never had a girlfriend, very socially awkward and extremely ugly… In otherwords the definition of a loser.

    If any of you seemingly nice folk think you have it bad please read my post and I am sure it will cheer you up.

    thanks for your time.

    • Amy F says:

      Hi Matt.
      I’m curious as to type of responses were you hoping people would give to this post?
      Also, I wonder what steps you’ve taken in your life to improve your situation.

    • Matt says:

      Amy

      I don’t know wasn’t really expecting a response, the internet doesn’t make me any less socially awkward.

      I have stopped looking for ways to fix myself and accepted who I am, I was just feeling particularly down last night and felt the need to vent. I don’t usually do that Most of the time I just silently observe on these kinds of sites.

      goodbye

    • Amanda says:

      Matt,

      if you think you are ugly and socially awkward then you are. but if you choose to think you are a beautiful living breathing human being, who deserves as much love and connection as anyone else then you will be. do not buy the stories someone told you about being ugly or awkward or bad. it’s just a story someone told you or told around when you were young. They couldn’t help it, someone told them the same story. And now you’re telling others the same story. End that book. Write a new story for yourself. Affirm that you are beautiful and worthy of love and friendship. Say it to yourself in the mirror. Even if you cry at first. It will get easier. You won’t believe it at first, because you are so used to hearing that same story but that’s okay. You are now choosing to plant a seed that will grow to a beautiful new story. Just keep saying it, and really start to love yourself. Be as beautiful as your true self knows you are. And so it is.

      • C.j.M says:

        If I have a hammer, and I believe that it’s a screwdriver… doesn’t make it a screwdriver.

        • N.a.s says:

          Do not combine things with human souls! ever!

        • Amanda says:

          You are not a hammer not a screwdriver. You have a mind a body and a soul. You get to experience things and your mind operates under belief systems. Your body listens to your mind. Who does your mind listen to? that’s up to you. Do you tell yourself you are a tool? Maybe you feel like a tool so these analogies don’t work for you. That’s okay. But even if you had a hammer and believed it was a screwdriver – I bet that single belief is all you would need to find another way to use the hammer. What you believe about yourself is everything. Those of us who have no friends have the power the change that, by changing what we believe right now.

    • Shana says:

      Then we should be friends Matt

  8. Ellie says:

    Not all friends are true friends, so when we get dumped and it’s a shock, it’s because we may have held higher standards about conduct in a friendship. Reading some of your comments I notice a pattern: sometimes you’ve been used for a while as a temporary fill in then they’ve traded up & it’s as if you didn’t exist, because they don’t want their new friends Others need drama & if you don’t fulfill their need to create it and be centre of attention, they’ll find someone to replace you who will. The main thing to remember though is that in these scenarios it is *their issue. It may be convenient to think it’s their issue, if it isn’t however, there are too many similarities between stories that contain that central thread of you are lovely people being taken advantage of then dropped like a hot potato or people are luke warm with you because they’re either not much depth, limited interests or you’re just not useful to them. I have noticed this with so many of our posts.

  9. Godhasheard says:

    Wow . Reading these responses someone understands. I’ve experienced something similar lately. I’m a bit of an introvert and like to stay to myself . About say a year and a half again I met a girl similar in interests . We hung out weekends, thinge got dicey for a while , we hung out more frequently but then lately after a slight falling out we had I’ve asked to hang out and gotten a vague responses . I’ve seen her making all kinds of plans with others , tagging herself at so and so place doing ABC activuty. Places we’ve said we,d go, she goes with others. I see this and think to myself, maybe I don’t fulfill that role like I did. Maybe I’m not as fun as I was. I’ve known all my life I’m a bit of a loner , I’m hard to take and a bit of an oddball but that’s ok. I just don’t know how to respond to being overlooked and requests for plans glossed over. Makes you wonder, I talk to this friend bUT not as much as I did. They only seem now to contact me as a sounding board if anything , it’s all small talk anymore. I’m hoping things will get better in recourse to this friend if not we’ll I don’t know.

    • Annie says:

      Unfortunately it sounds like she’s doing the classic ‘please get the hint I don’t want to spend time with you.’
      I’ve done it to people a lot. It’s shitty, but when you don’t have the communication skills, you hate conflict and you don’t want to hurt the person, it’s easier to fade out.
      A direct approach will get you a gloss over, a mumbled denial, ‘I’ve just been busy’ or something equally lame.
      Hopefully she can be honest and just tell you that the incessant nose picking, racist comments or ogling her Mum’s boozies was the deal breaker.

      • Annie says:

        Actually, I think she’s still mad at you about your misunderstanding. Some women find forgiveness difficult. I know I do!
        Sometimes when you’re close to someone you draw your line in the sand closer and your expectations of behaviour/love/respect/loyalty are relative to your level of emotional commitment and investment. The more I have loved a friend, the higher the expectation I had of them became and the more intensely I was hurt when my expectations weren’t met or when they f*cked up.
        Perhaps your (girl)friend is similar?

  10. Rob says:

    I’m 30, single, no kids. Have a great job, great downtown apartment, nice things, ect. I’m told constantly by (mostly older) people that they are amazed that I’m still single. I’m told (and I believe) that I’m actually a very very attractive guy. I’m starting to believe that both males and females might be intemidated by my looks. I think a lot of women see me as a player and a lot of guys don’t want to hang out because they think I’ll steal women from them. The result is I have no effing friends. I don’t even talk to my roommate beyond paying bills. I’m so lonely. I don’t even care about a woman, I’d just like a cool best guy friend. I’m going to the beach Saturday with my dog because I asked 20 “acquaintances” the last two weeks to go and mostly got no reply. The ones that did reply say “maybe” or “we’ll see.” I don’t know exactly what I did wrong through the years because I was well liked in high school and college. I got burned by a 6 year girlfriend after college that left me with some trust issues and a general animosity toward women which I’ve tried to change but every time I try I get burned again. I’m considering seeing a therapist but hate the idea of paying someone just to talk to me. I really don’t know why I’m writing this post. Maybe just to vent because I’ve written hundreds of these things and never get anywhere. I’ve basically gone 3 years of the prime of my life taking vacations by myself and spending enormous amounts of time alone. I’m dying for human interaction. If anyone lives in southeastern Louisiana and would like a friend reply to my post. Yes I’m at that point now and I know it’s sad. Not looking for sympathy, just company. Thanks

    • Michelle says:

      Hi Rob. I know exactly what you mean. I was very sociable in high school and college too. I had plenty of friends, both genders. But since migrating from South Africa to Australia, I have made none. I have officially been friendless for 8 years now and it is such a lonely experience. I am 34 and married with kids so I have my family thank goodness, but no female friends anymore which is very upsetting. No one to come over for a cup of coffee, or a chat with me. I get what your saying about your “looks” bieng an issue. I am not trying to sound vain, but I also wonder if my looks are not the first thing that turn people off about me. I am constantly told by other people that I am really stunning, or that the other mums at the school are no where near as pretty as I am. Apparantly Im a really beautiful woman. Personally I dont see it, I just see flaws and imperfections. Are woman avoiding me because they are afraid I will steal thier husbands or something? Am I thinking wrong in saying such a thing? Sometimes I walk through the school and they seem to glare at me. I make conversation with them but there is always a barrier and nothing more than small talk.

      • Luis says:

        Hi. Michelle and Rob.
        English is not my native languaje, so dont be scare if my writing is not correct. 🙂
        I always asked me the same thing that you share. Does my success, my intelligence and my looks eventually are seen as a treat? Iam 43 years old. Troughout my life i have had groups of “friends” but they dont last much. I never show off and dont talk about money or other things that can make any one else uncomfortable. Actually i behave much better than other members of the group, for example i dont gossip. But after some years i end up with no friends again!! Today some one did say that is a rule that very intelligent individuals alwas lack of social skills. And i believe that is our problem, more than looks or our awesomeness. I am asking myself now that perhaps the three of us will manage to be best friends? Who knows? I am confused right now cause i lost again a group of friends, thats the reason i went online so i can learn the needed skills. It really was helpful to me hear your stories guys, thank you very much. And if you find something that helps you out please let me know, ill do the same.
        Kind regards

      • Alex says:

        Hate to break it to you, but when people are in their 30s. They are either busy with their family or jobs. I know I being obvious here. Since you got children, you can always bring your children for activities whereby other parents will bring their children too. Since you’re a woman, I assume you have no trouble making small talk. I am a man, 34 never being married. Just here trying to get my BA and go back Singapore. So, whether I make any friends here doesn’t make any difference, good luck.

    • Amanda says:

      Hey Rob,

      Email me. Let’s be friends. I went to tons of therapy, maybe I could help. And you’d be helping me too. I’m 30 and single, no kids and no friends. Okay I have one great friend but she lives 2500 miles away, so back to no friends. Like yourself, I’m not sure what the deal is …I have been told I’m intimidating but I kind of thought that was a crock of shit until I read your response. I’ve never read about this stuff before but your post stuck out to me. I’m a very smart, very attractive person who still actually cares about people and the simple things in life. Reading your post made me feel like it was my awesomeness that was making some people feel like they needed to be hurtful towards me or just ignore me altogether. I can say that I’m happy about that now. Good riddens, and best of luck to them. I believe I will attract the right friends as soon as I accept my own awesomeness. We could try it together. Just accept it, and watch the magic happen. Put our energy into loving ourselves more instead of resisting our awesome bc of other people. All is well is our worlds!!

      • pete says:

        i struggle with this friendship lark big time also, im 39, many of my friends are married which means there are 1 or 2 lads left which i dont see much of. first time experiencing this, its awful lol

  11. Kathleen says:

    I received a really nice response to a concern I’m having about friendship and lack of. I relate to so many of you, and I’m here if you ever feel like talking, I’ll listen and share mine with you.

    • Kristy says:

      Hi kathleen, I posted on the forum “Dropped by a friend group of 2 years, seemingly for no reason”

    • Shana says:

      Hey Kristy… Here! Am available I kniw how desperate it sounds but I am really really lonely I need human interaction

      [Last name removed by moderator; to protect yourself against spammers, please do use last names on this blog. Thanks! Irene]

  12. Elly says:

    Hi, im 18 years old and I have a very similar problem, no friends whatsoever. Theres nothing wrong with me, I’m not selfish, stuck up, socially awkward, a b*tch, weird or any of that. I had on and off relationships with many girls in my grade and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t hold a friendship. By the middle of last year I was left with no friends at all, I couldn’t bear sitting alone at lunch and in class so I ended up leaving school and pursuing a career (which is going extremely well). I’ve sought out professional advice on the situation and was only told that they were just ‘jealous’ of my looks which is so petty, surely not every single person I meet can be. I just hate it, having no girl friends to talk to or hang out with at such a young age. I’ve joined groups and sports teams, even signed up for a few social networks but nothing works. It’s like I’m a walking plague and everyone avoids me. I don’t know where to go from here

    • Jay says:

      I feel the same way, I really don’t know what’s wrong with me or maybe it isn’t me. I totally relate to you Elly. Perhaps we should be friends 🙂 .

      • Elly says:

        As sad as it is, its nice to know I’m not the only one who has this same problem. Maybe we should be friends Jay

    • christopher says:

      Hello, I,m 50 years old, singe, no kids, and only 2 friends. Lifes not fair sometimes.

      • Kathleen says:

        I feel you. I’m 57 and have one friend and that’s debatable. I’m one of those who have only had one or two friends in school, but when something better came along I was history. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t find good friends or keep them.I’ve got some strong ideas, but I’ve been burned so many times I can’t trust to well or make the mistake of trusting to much. I’m tired of being alone. I despertly wish I knew what to do or what’s wrong with me. I’m a giver, good listener,I can be a good friend, I’m compassionate, funny, but it seems women just don’t like me. Any advice?

        • Ellie says:

          Kathleen, I can relate. I’m in my 40s, have no friends, having had a couple of friends for a while whose friendships felt debatable then they vanished out of my life without explanation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. It’s worth considering if it’s their issue. That doesn’t have to involve blame, just a recognition that maybe they’ve issues with you that are really about them. Insecurities can manifest in many different ways that cause certain people to cling together for safety whilst excluding others. I’ve been burned more times than I can count. I do my own thing now and don’t expect friendship. I’m not resigned to having know friends and at the same time I’m aware a lot of people don’t want to be friends and the ones that have done have always had an agenda or been a bunny boiler! I’m also a giver, good listener, loyal and compassionate so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Yes, nobody’s perfect but as long as you’re a caring, loyal friend I do not see why you should have to think you’re at fault. I would imagine you didn’t find fault with them. A lot of the times the unfortunate truth is that a lot of people see you as useful and when you’ve outlived your usefulness, they disappear. Women don’t like me either. Perhaps you’re a very good looking woman; you’re come across as genuine; perhaps you’re more talented or make more money than they do. Jealousy is can be well hidden, often for years, amongst apparent friends. I hope you find some encouragement and hope in knowing you’re not alone in feeling this way. If you join the Facebook group, we can chat some more.

          • Claudia says:

            Dear Ellie – I can’t believe I came across your post….. it sounds exactly like me!!
            I am in my early 50’s and having a hard time finding (good) friends, if any.
            My husband is my best friend and we have a great relationship. However, I wish I could have a female friendship, one you can trust and feel comfortable with and do (girlie) things with.
            I had many friends in my life, but like waiters…they come and they go. And I started to think it must be ME. Perhaps it’s all about my appearance or personality (I am a very outgoing person). I have my principles and rules and maybe people don’t like that.
            Not too long ago I realized when thinking of my “friends” that there are actually more like acquaintances. One of them is like a “Birthday” (friend) – you only get together if it’s either my birthday or my husbands, hers or her husband’s (?!) Weird, isn’t it.
            I had a “Bestie” for about 6 years and all of a sudden, who knows why, I got dumped by her. No explanations, nothing. Thank goodness for Irene’s book (Best friends forever, how to survive a break-up with your female friend). It probably took me a year to get over it and now I can say: It’s all behind me…yay!!
            It is quite amazing HOW this can effect you….
            Her and her husband were also good friends with my husband and I and we went on many vacations together.
            After the “break-up” I even tried joining “Friendship” Groups only to find out the organizer was such a control freak, so checkmark for that. I even tried getting neighbours over for a drink or so but it also failed.
            I can say about myself that I am a very caring & fun person, loyal & genuine and trying to make it all right and LOVE to give. But for some reason I just come across people who like to TAKE!! I enjoy keeping track of birthdays and love giving gifts and you would think people would appreciate it.
            Anyway, thank you very much for your words who really had an effect on me and actually made me feel MUCH better!! I started to realize that maybe jealousy is a factor. I just felt suffocated for the last little while and coming across your post and others was a gift! So thank-you all :))

      • Michelle says:

        Cheer up Christopher I’m 55 1 adult child, who has been making his own trouble. No friends afraid of people. I’ve been hiding in the dark for close to 20 years.

        I fold.
        Michelle

    • C.j.m says:

      At school I was told I was ugly and someone threw a mirror at me and told me to look at myself. They wouldn’t let me sit with them.

      Another time, someone threw a dictionary at someone else in the class. Everyone knew who it was but when the teacher asked, they all blamed me. Good thing I didn’t get in trouble that day because the teacher believed my story.

      Yeah, school was sh*t for me too. :/

    • Julie says:

      Hi Elly! I’m 19 and turns out I have the exact same problem as you. A few years ago in high school I tried to be friends with different groups of people. Then one group in particular shut me out of the group in front of a lot of peers and that humiliation still goes with me to this day. My mom tells me that it’s just that my personality isn’t like a lot of people my age, but I hate thinking that I’m never going to have friends. But from that day on I’ve developed a lot of internal issues and I’m not happy with my life as it is right now. Recently I’ve been contemplating going to therapy to talk about the issues I’ve been having since then. I think I might have depression, but I want to solve my problems so I can look at life more positively. I just wanted to tell you that sometimes, it’s not you who’s the problem, they’re just not the right people for you. I hope you stay strong, I know someday you’ll find great people who will appreciate your friendship.

      • Elly says:

        Hi Julie! I’m so sorry to hear about that, theres nothing worst on this planet then being rejected by others you so desperately want to impress/become friends with. My mum tells me the exact same thing about my personality, she says that I’m very mature for my age which is why I have troubles making friends. I would suggest going to therapy, its somewhat helped me although it doesn’t fix the problem, its still good to talk about it… Thank you so much for replying to my post, you seem like a very genuine person and I know that you will make life long friends as well. Best of luck in the future! 🙂

  13. no friends says:

    wow thats deep

  14. Melissa says:

    Oh, I can definitely relate….Going through the same crap…FB is good if you use it as casually as just maybe posting a few things, but don’t expect anyone to break their neck to talk to you directly. I have a few people I correspond with directly on there, but otherwise, not much
    I I find myself feeling a bit lost at at times as I don’t have a ton of friends…actually, since i have posted my own agonies on this site, obviously, no real friends to speak of. It’s been very hard for me since losing my only real friend (My mom) a little over a year ago. I really have no one to talk to nor do i go out and do much of anything. I am going through a tough struggle right now with trying to get myself off of the meds I take for my knee. Well, it is tough and with no support, it’s been hell! Enough said

  15. Teresa says:

    Yes I agree I was hoping to at least start a Facebook friend at least but no nothing …. So once again my comments are ignored just like me in real life:( I do have one positive well half positive thing that has happened in my life … My ex best male friend has begun to talk to me again I realize this maybe short lived ( he’s bipolar) but I’m sure he won’t ferbally abuse me any more . But now my x female friend is now behaving very jealous of our new friendship . He may be doing this to make her jealous but well he did tell he missed our talks which made feel better for right now 🙂

    • C.j.M says:

      Yeah same, I’m so over Facebook… If there wasn’t one person I still use it to keep in touch with, I would’ve gotten rid of the stupid thing a long time ago, it’s like I’m virtually ignored on there. Also you mentioned that your ex-male best friend verbally abuses you. What kind of friendship is that? I would hope that kind of thing has stopped now. Not sure what’s with the jealousy going on there. I suppose often in groups of three, there will always be one who feels more left out or like the third wheel. Hope you’re doing well, and things are going fine for you. Take care.

  16. Just me says:

    Face book I wished ??? No freinds to add to freinds list I’ve tried to add some I was blanked ,,Never had freinds or my parents have freinds my brothers and sisters have freinds , I’m shy low self esteem at times or full of it , I don’t have good talkative skills for to long , now I’ve become to believe I was never ment to have freinds so I’m use to it now but the upset of me being a freak is still hurts ,

    • Ben says:

      I really don’t like Facebook either. I too know the pain of little or no true friends. You are not alone…

      • Kathy says:

        You can join groups on fb where you can make friends. Try to find groups in your area on things you like doing
        Such as :
        Card night, singles dances , bowling night, if you drink = darts at the bars or legions in your area and or cards
        Whatever you like type it in fb at the top where your searching
        And a list will come up. Click on it
        Check it out if you like click JOIN
        They will reply to you that they accepted your request
        I am working on the same thing YOU & MANY others are also doing.
        I Wish Us ALL LUCK in finding a place we can join to meet ppl.
        Good Luck All 👀👍🏼

        • C.j.M says:

          And when people in those groups are rude or nasty to each other and other people? What then?

        • C.j.M says:

          Or how about when the majority of the people in the group are rarely active and dont check the page. Or when you post there, no one ever really replies and then you find yourself suddenly banned for no reason. Or when there are too many people in the group posting, and you get drowned out by all the activity and it becomes impossible to meet anyone. Facebook groups dont really help unfortunately.

  17. Nigelle Tran says:

    Hi I have a question.. If my old friends betrayed me how do I make new friends without looking like a loner? My current friends don’t like me around that much.

    • C.j.M says:

      That’s a hard question, wish I knew how to help Nigelle. Been in that position before too (years ago). And needless to say, avoided those people for a very long time. How are you doing now? Hope things are looking up for you. Being in your own company gives you space, time to think about what you really want or need in your life. And you dont need that kind of crap.

      • Ellie says:

        Do you know it’s interesting that often feel happy alone and in the past people have misinterpreted that as meaning I don’t need friends and I’ve had to correct that perception. Those erroneous assumptions can cause isolation. It’s not always that someone is avoiding you but, they see you’re happy alone. Mistaking that for not wanting friends means they often create confusion in their own minds because they’re thinking in a draconian manner. A lot of people I’ve met spend a lot of time together. It’s all or nothing. I like and have always had balance, so will see people then enjoy solitude. That’s part of my independent nature but, can be seen as “you don’t need us”. I experienced it in a relationship. The man I was dating got very wound up by my spending time alone and doing things without him. It’s not healthy to be joined at the hip 24-7, so I would pursue my own hobbies and interests. He took that to mean: ‘I had no interest in him’, which is extreme thinking! He became more and more insecure and eventually, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy for him. I left him, not because I didn’t need him (I didn’t ) but because he wanted co-dependency. It’s healthy to not need each other and each bring positive things to the relationship, without needs. Self-sufficiency doesn’t have to result in people around you feeling insecure. His insecurities were the central issue.
        That’s when I realised it can often be difficult for people like me and those of you are like this to make friends – essentially their insecurities may stop them committing. A lot of people I’ve met need people around them to fill a void and comfort them with their insecurities. Some people challenge that in them and it takes them outside of their comfort zone. That can lead to withdrawing friendship without explanation or even doing it because they harbour a secret jealousy and explains many two-faced friends/wolves in sheep’s clothing. That’s worth remembering.

  18. Teresa says:

    I too have always wondered what was wrong with me I see people at work who have constant flow of people stopping by their office to talk but very few stop by and talk to me It makes me sad sometimes . I tried to reconnect with old high school friends at a local alum group it soon became very cliquey and guess what I didn’t fit in with the clique That really upset me I wish I knew what was wrong with me I feel so alone sometimes

    • Ben says:

      I graduated High School in 1977. I went to a couple of reunions and had a pretty good time. Then I went to my 20th. Life had changed drastically for me financially and socially. I felt out of place. I reflected back on school days and came to the grand conclusion that I was never truly close friends with anyone in my class growing up. So what would make me believe I would be friends with them now? I too feel very alone quite a bit of the time. In spite of working on me both physically and emotionally I have not been able to attract very many close friends. The major difference is I am aware of what really “is” for me. I am less likely to over-extend myself to set myself up for disappointment. That’s not to say I don’t get disappointed. The little strides I make prove to me that some of this deals in self-confidence. I know a former friend of mine who is very self confident when talking with women. He has no problem striking up a conversation when I would be tongue tied. So for me I am going to continue working on self confidence.

  19. Sarah says:

    I feel for you. Ive had very few friends in my life, i was married briefly, but at this point I am divorced and just have a few acquaintances. I would love to have the security and intimacy of friendship. I have many experiences of being used or being left after a few meetings with no explanation as to why. My parents both had trouble making friends too. I can only guess that I am not “ENOUGH” for most people.. i have led a socially sheltered life cuz of few intimate relationships. In the city i live it seems you have to be very productive and impressive to be worthy. One therapist told me that in conversing with me, i just didn’t give off that spark or instant gratification feeling that people usually get when conversing. I wish there was a place to learn how to do this. I’m so tired of being lonely and unwanted.

    Last name deleted by moderator. Please don’t use last names on this blog. Thanks Irene

    • Rachel says:

      I wish there was too. I’ve never been able to develop relationships with people. I’ve always felt something is wrong with me, so I have gone through life feeling alone.

      • Rebecca says:

        I’m sorry you’ve been lonely it’s a tough thing to admit I have felt heart break A LOT in my life and if you would like a friend I would too.:)

  20. Teresa says:

    Hi I know how you feel about wondering if someone is a TRUE friend I have found out the hard way recently 😕 I had parents who also were not real sociable especially my dad he was a loner by choice . My Mother was always involved in groups that kept her busy . She was originally from London and came to America and married a small town boy it was a big shock for her. I wish I was more like my mom instead of my father . I don’t want to be a loner but I feel am awkward around people sometimes and I always feel they don’t like me . It’s very hard to make small talk etc. I wish I could make friends easier

    • C.j.M says:

      I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I’m diseased or something and people keep at a safe distance from me.

      I was leaving the gym the other day, and the guy on the desk who’s usually friendly, I was going to say goodbye to him, but I noticed the whole time he didnt look at me, pretended not to see me, and then he turns to the other guy, they both start whispering to each other and giggling like little girls. Every now and then they would glance over at me and smile to each other.

      Today I noticed a woman that usually walks past my house and says hello. I was outside, I was going to say hello to her, and as she walks down the street, she holds her head facing away from me in the opposite direction so she wouldnt have to notice me.

      This is exactly the type of treatment I’ve suffered for most of my life. Why some people have to be so two faced and rude, I’ll never understand. I spend a lot of my time alone these days.

      • clay says:

        the same exact stuff happens to me…. some times people say hi, some times they dont, lol, i dont get it, o well, im getting use to it

        • C.j.m says:

          Thank you. It’s nice to know someone else goes through the same thing. Even though I’m sorry to hear that and wish they wasn’t the case for you. And another thing. We have the same name.

    • Just me says:

      I feel like you ,

      people are like horses if they think you don’t like them they won’t like you , vice versa

  21. Kate says:

    Hi everyone,
    I find that I’ve gone through this ‘no friends’ phenomenon for most of my life. In childhood, I lived in a fairly isolated rural area and attended a small school (only had 25 classmates up through 12th grade). My parents were ‘outsiders’ too–not really friends with my classmates’ parents; we attended church in town instead of in the neighborhood, etc. My parents were also introverts. I had one younger sister who always had an easier time with making friends.

    I had fleeting friendships and even had who I thought was a best friend in junior high that lasted about 2 weeks–she dumped me with the explanation of ‘I just wanted to see what it was like to be friends with you’, like I was an alien life form or something. Um…thanks?!

    As a result, I spent a lot of time to myself. I had a passion for books, music and deep conversation. No one I knew at my school shared these interests. Since I was introverted anyway, I became used to being on my own.

    It’s hard when you miss out on social developmental milestones, though. I didn’t have my first kiss until age 18, when I went to prom with a guy who was a family friend and to whom I wasn’t at all attracted. Then, I didn’t have another one until 10 years later, with my first boyfriend, a fellow loner who would become my husband.

    This lack of social skills (seemingly) followed me from high school to college. Despite a larger group of people in college, and despite me putting myself ‘out there’ to ask my dorm mates if I could join them for lunch, walking past their rooms to talk to them, my interest in them was never reciprocated. I never had someone stop by my open dorm room door to ask after me, or anyone call my room (this was before cell phones).

    I’ve been married 10 years now (no kids) and live in an even smaller town about 20 miles away from my hometown. My husband and I are each other’s best friends, but there are times I really would like at least one female friend who might share some of my interests.

    I had one female friend in this town for a few years who turned out to be a narcissist. After I spent her birthday with her, she called me the next day and accused me of bringing ‘negative energy’ to her job as a retail sales person, because she wasn’t doing so well and figured someone was bringing her negative vibes. (She was s devout believer in the book ‘The Secret and the law of attraction, to the point she’d sit me down to watch the DVD with her whenever I’d visit). So, that friendship ended rather unexpectedly and then she moved away.

    I met another potential friend for coffee one time, but after promising to friend me on Facebook and get in touch, I never heard from her again. The same thing happened with a third potential friend.

    Meanwhile, for the past five years, I had a best friend who I first ‘met’ online. We met in person twice in the past year; the first time went well, but after the second meeting (which I thought went well) she seemed angry with me, and sent me a couple of long e-mails pointing out all the reasons she had problems with me and said some extremely hurtful things, including that she had only missed me in our month of silence when she wanted to share a juicy celebrity fantasy of hers and had no one to tell it to.

    She said quitting me was like quitting an addictive high, like smoking. She accused me of being romantically interested in her (I’m bisexual and had a small crush on her a the beginning of our friendship, which she pointed out and was fine with a the time and it eventually dissipated and turned into a strong emotional connection, for me, at least).

    So, she asked some online friends of hers to weigh in on how they saw our friendship, based on minimal information (she says) she told them and they all accused me of being romantically interested in her (still). She thought I had intentions of seducing her if we kept meeting in person (despite the fact that we stayed very much apart from each other physically when we had met in real life and I never gave any indication, nor did I have a plan to do such a thing, since we’re both married).

    She said our friendship was not normal, way too intense, and exhausting for her (I just wish she would have told me she was feeling like this earlier). She accused me of being co-dependent and emotionally immature, and also mean to my husband for positioning myself as ‘superior’ to him in wanting to do more spontaneous things and him being more of a homebody. She told me that if he and I were in some sort of rut, it was half my fault and that he and I were more alike than different in this way. She accused me of misrepresenting myself to her online. (Incidentally, she also is an introvert and has a difficult time making friends She was the first to call me her best friend five years ago). So, coming as it did after all of these years, this attack on my character really hurt, so I basically said, ‘I hope you find a friend who meets all of your needs, and I wish you well.’

    We’re still Facebook friends, but have gone from talking multiple times every day for the past five years to absolutely no interaction. As mad as I am, and as sad as I am, it’s difficult to just wipe someone out of your life like that –especially when you didn’t instigate any of the argument leading up to it.

    So, I’m sitting here feeling blindsided. I guess I have a few acquaintances, both in real life and online, but no one who seems to want to extend a hand in potential friendship. I’m not religious so don’t go to church, but I work two public jobs where I interact with people quite a bit. I’m also not a parent so I don’t have mom friends, and I’m not into the bar scene.

    I don’t want to overwhelm people with my emotional intensity and turn them off right away to being my friend. I’ve talked to some people (a therapist, and co-workers older than me) about wanting a social life, and they say they don’t know why I struggle so much in this department; they think I’m friendly, warm and caring. I like to do little things to help people. I like to remember birthdays and send cards. I find myself craving an emotional connection with my friends, not just small talk and doing activities together now and then.

    So, I’m going to keep trying, but I’m more wary now than I used to be. Something about me seems to eventually sour people to me, even though people have told me I’m soft-hearted, kind, thoughtful and a good listener.

    Maybe some people are just meant to be mostly loners. I’m used to it, and can do it, but sometimes, it gets lonely inside my own head. While my husband offers some respite, even he’s not as into the same subjects and issues as me. Plus, having a female friend is a different energy, and a welcome outlet. But maybe it’s just not something I’m meant to experience in a healthy context.

    • Ben says:

      Enjoyed reading your post. I think there is pain in almost everyone’s life. After taking steps to look at my own ineffective ways of determining who’s a real friend and who is just a friend I get filled with sadness whenever someone I thought was a friend shows themselves to not really be a friend…

      • Ellie says:

        It is sad Ben, you’re not alone. I understand how you feel, especially if it’s over many years despite making the effort to open to opportunities and treating people well.

    • Teresa says:

      Hi I know exactly the way you feel! I wish I had the emotional kindship that you have with a good girlfriend which I haven’t had in many years. I recently had a falling out with two of my best friends one female and one male one femaleShe us a narcissist and he is bipolar . They are both very charismatic everyone loves them and she brags all the time she can get any man she wants and she did she got mine:( He started to treat me so bad one day nice next day like the devil) (very verbally abusive then the next day apologize ) But anyway I got sick of his mistreatment of me so I cursed him out and now he Hates me ! I’ve never experienced such awful treatment and now I’m dealing with this and my social anxiety I’m thinking about seeing a therapist. Did that help you? I’m having trouble sleeping and going to work because of his treatment of me and now I have no one to talk to at work it makes it very difficult for me Inhope you are doing well I hope I can get over this soon I’m scared I’m going to have a nervous breakdown

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