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Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?

Many women write to me perplexed about why they can’t form close friendships. They try new approaches, put themselves in all the right places, see therapists, and read relevant self-help books. They consider themselves interesting, loyal, kind, and friend-worthy people. But for reasons unknown to them, they have a tough time forming the intimate relationships other women seem to have and that they covet for themselves. Many admit to not having even one close friend.

A recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology offers some clues as to how both nature (personality) and nurture (experience) impact our friendships. Researchers at the University of Virginia and University of Toronto, Mississauga studied more than 7000 American adults between the ages of 20 and 75 over a period of ten years, looking at the number of times these adults moved during childhood. Their study, like prior ones, showed a link between “residential mobility” and adult well-being: The more times participants moved as children, the poorer the quality of their adult social relationships.

But digging deeper, the researchers found that personality—specifically being introverted or extroverted —could either intensify or buffer the effect of moving to a new town or neighborhood during childhood. The negative impact of more moves during childhood was far greater for introverts compared to extroverts.

“Moving a lot makes it difficult for people to maintain long-term close relationships,” stated Dr. Shigehiro Oishi, the first author of the study, in a press release from the American Psychological Association, “This might not be a serious problem for outgoing people who can make friends quickly and easily. Less outgoing people have a harder time making new friends.”

Families often have to relocate—across town, across the country, or across the globe. Yet, in many cases, their kids and young adolescents haven’t yet built up a bank of friendships or garnered sufficient experience at making new friends and at handling rejection. So the conventional wisdom is to try to minimize moves for the sake of your child, whenever possible, and to move at the end of the academic year. Additionally, parents are advised to monitor and, if necessary, help guide their children’s friendships during the first academic year after a move, which generally is the most difficult.

Moves during childhood affected adult friendships differently because of the unique interplay between nature (personality type, which is determined in part by genes) and nurture (in this case, the moves) for different individuals. That makes the answer to the question of why some women are more successful than others in making friends extremely complex. And this study raises the question of how many other factors come into play that we haven’t even yet considered.

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Category: MAKING FRIENDS

Comments (1,029)

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  1. Jack says:

    Re: ‘Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?’ How about saying HI back to the person that says hi to you, and not look at them with a “lemon-pucker” face or sit with your back to them most of the time. Let me explain – I am a older college student, who’s returned back to college. It appears that, since I am not an athlete, don’t look like one, or 20-something, I am completely ignored. I see other young women of their age, and generation who are ignored too because they’re not athletes. I feel sorry for them. All in all, I am doing great in my classes – don’t need “clicks” and didn’t join them when I was there age either; I’ve worked since I was 14 yrs old.

  2. Treo says:

    Thoughts from a guy with friends. My wife and daughter (college) struggle more with friends than I do. I recently moved and have made a number of acquaintances moving up to friends. What I think works. Get involved in the church of your choice. Never miss. Join a social club – biking, running, book club, bible study, etc. I’m in 3 of the 4. I never miss. Ask people to lunch. Always buy. Ask 3 other couples over. Things will happen spontaneously. Meet for coffee once a week with one of your acquaintances. Text people or write notes thanking them for little things. Initiate relationship. Take risks. Be confident. Quit guessing what people think of you, are saying about you, why they didn’t include you, what they really meant when they said. Stop all this. Confidently initiate. People are scared and insecure. They will let you down. Push through the disappointments and you will end up being a great friend, one that can be counted on (never miss), and one that always gives a little more (buy as often as you can afford to). As a result you will have more friends. Hope this helps.

    • April says:

      What Treo wrote is 100% true. Thank you for your helpful advice.

    • Dani says:

      I agree, very valuable post. I do follow some of this advice but know I am also guilty of the second-guessing he describes. I recently cancelled plans on another couple who seem to care about our friendship (mine and my husband’s) but are poor at follow-through. They double-book our plans with other friends to include people we don’t know, cut outings short, and have little free time because of extended family obligations even though they express interest in maintaining the friendship. I declined a tentative plan to go out of town with them recently knowing that the same would happen — they’d cut short the weekend to spend time with friends and family in the area we proposed visiting. I have heard since that the wife is concerned “we don’t like them.” No, it’s more that I’m tired of feeling like I’m on their B list, and they don’t have a clue. I should work harder on realizing that other people are scared and insecure and that they will disappoint. It’s hard to figure out when enough is enough, though.

      • Karen says:

        Hi Dani,

        I can relate to your comment regarding being on the “B List” with respect to a couple we get together with socially, although sometimes I think “D List” would be a more accurate description. My husband and I are both introverts who prefer a small number of close friendships. The woman, at least, in the other couple is an extreme extrovert who has a huge social circle.

        We’ve experienced similar disappointments regarding this couple. For example, last year we hosted them for Christmas dinner in our home. Their original plans fell through when the couple who asked them for dinner Christmas Day decided to go elsewhere, saying they were welcome to join them at the home of people they barely knew. Our friends were offended, but strangely, did something similar to us less than a week later. After extending an invitation for brunch to us (to reciprocate), they included another couple who obviously were a higher priority. Because, during the get-together, both the host and hostess, within a few minutes of each other, invited the other man and woman to join them in separate areas of the house to discuss items of interest, saying to my husband and me: “You can come too, if you want”. What were we supposed to do otherwise – sit together in their living room alone while they entertained the other guests? The two other couples shared many common friends/acquaintances, and they spent considerable time talking about people we’d never met. Later at home, we discussed feeling like “fifth wheels”.

        Although I agree that we need to cut our friends some slack, I also think we need to be realistic about the genuine importance we hold in their lives. I find relationships with people whose attention is alternately “hot and cold” frustrating, annoying, and confusing. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words, and when a friend repeatedly does something that demonstrates my low importance (cancelling plans at the last minute; not showing up for planned get-togethers with no apology; not responding to emails for weeks, if at all; etc.), I eventually lose interest. Especially disconcerting is when the supposed friend applies different standards to how she is treated than to how she treats me.

        Dani, I think you’ll know when “enough is enough”. It’s hard not to “second guess” peoples’ motives when we are repeatedly hurt by their lack of consideration. I believe many of us (particularly introverts) give people too many chances. Far better, I think, to let “uneven” relationships like these gradually fizzle out, and attempt to find new friends who treat us the way we treat them – at least most of the time.

        I hope this helps.

        Karen

    • Jen says:

      I totally agree with being confident, dealing with the disappointments, not second guessing, etc. However, I don’t agree with paying for as much as you can to get your friends to go out with you. Yes, I contribute my part if we eat out or get coffee, etc. I pay my way, they pay theirs. And in the past on occasion I have offered to pay for others, tho this makes my non-user friends uncomfortable, and my user friends more moochie. I do not need a bunch of people “gracing” me with their time b/c I’m willing to buy them lunch, danish, espresso, etc. The more I would buy, the more such people came out of the woodwork to be my “friend.” Then, when I needed a friend, they were never there.

      • treo says:

        I think there are those who take advantage of people, but I consider it a blessing to not keep track. 50/50 is such a trap. It infects every area of your life, and you eventually feel short changed relationally. I’m thankful to be blessed so that I can bless others. I consider a $6.00 investment in a friendship or even an acquantance to be a steal. I’m thankful I can make it. I’ve been very poor in my life and couldn’t make it. The love of money is the root of all kinds of evils, and there is no better way to inoculate yourself from this disease than giving. I’ve found that the people who are truly using and manipulating a relationship for money have many other flaws. Character flaws aren’t one dimensional. You’ll find many other reasons to lose their companionship.

        • Jen says:

          That could be right for your life. We are perhaps on such a different economic level that this doesn’t work for us, as we are raising a family on one teacher’s salary and can rarely afford to go out to eat, have to combine meals when we do, and so cannot afford to pay for other people’s meals. Esp. now that I am staying home. We definitel don’t have a love of money, as we budget responsibley, using it for food, clothing, shelter, education and medicine, drive our used cars until they fall apart, avoid frivolous expenses, etc. And we are not petty tit for tat people, keeping score. When we have friends over, we feed them as generously as we can, though this can be hard on our budget at times. And we donate used toys, etc. There are many ways to be a friend and be generous besides paying for people to eat out, and we are not interested in attracting people who wish to use us. We are glad when we can help others by providing a meal, shoulder to cry on, help others move or in hard times, etc. Though at times it has been glaringly obvious that people are quick to soak up help and reluctant to be there on the rare occasion we’ve needed some real friendship and support. Eating out and paying for others just itsn’t something that is a positive thing for us. That’s great if that works for you. Best wishes.

          • Treo says:

            In your situation I can see where it would be near impossible. I’ve been there, and in those days we didn’t do much of anything ourselves let alone buy. There are seasons to life. In those days it was board games, cards, popcorn and brownies. Now are kids are college age. One size fits all advice doesn’t work. I get it. May God bless you with a couple that doesn’t have to spend money to have fun.

    • Tracy Taub says:

      My son and husband do all of these. The interpersonal drama is unreal, never-ending, sort of a high price to pay for the benefit of always having someone to hang out with.

      They’re both extroverts, they feed off of the energy from being around others, but they too express chagrin at the difficulty of finding “true companions.” They are as without deep friendships as anybody else. They have only a few. That’s because no matter how gregarious one is, the reality is that true companions are hard to come by- they always have been. Even Confucius wrote about it.

      That’s what I feel myself and what I perceive others on this blog expressing too. What you seem to be alluding is the “if you want a friend, be a friend” axiom. Unfortunately, “beung a friend” is no guarantee at all that one’s behaviors will be reciprocated. It’s a set-up for resentment, the only way to avoid it is to give without any expectation of return.

      I will say, though, that in order to find a true companion, one has to “get out there,” so to speak. But for introverts, such a social schedule as you’ve described sounds tiring.

      Here’s another interesting observation: my husband and son are much better than I at saying “no” to people. When I anticipate joining a club or forming a new friendship, I immediately think of the trap I’ll be in if I want to “break up with” said club or new friend. I worry about hurt feelings, tact, bowing out gracefully. My husband and son appear to have no such compunctions. They’ll drop anyone in a New York minute if things start to get too toxic. I wonder sometimes if this isn’t at the core, at least in part, of the shyness of interacting with others.

    • Maggie says:

      This reminds me of yet more words of wisdom I learned from my mother. “To make a friend, you first have to BE a friend.” Young women aren’t taught this enough, and many never learn that having friends takes work. (Thanks, Mom!)

  3. Jennifer Y says:

    Hi everyone. This seems like such a great place for me to be, as I am also struggling with making friends, AND unfortunately so are my kids. The schools that my kids attend are very cliquey. My oldest came from a school for learning difficulties, and was ready for a “regular” school. We signed her up for a wonderful middle school, and she’s trying her best to make friends, and it’s just not happening. She’s very kind, but I don’t know what the deal is. Now my son is having social issues; his one friend is now playing with a group of other boys, and when my son asks if he could play, they tell him no. It just breaks my heart wondering why? There’s nothing wrong with my son! And activities outside of school, plenty of them! Karate, dance, horse lessons, religious education…all opportunities to make friends, and nada. They started school at 2.5, and even then, friendships were forming, but not for my kids! They listened to the teacher, did what they were told, but in the friendship area, nothing. And the problem too is the Moms who’s girls were forming friendships, would never say hey, there’s a shy boy/girl in your class, why don’t you ask them to join in? Well that’s just me, I would do that in a heartbeat, and that’s what I teach my kids. Obviously other Moms do not. They always say the same thing, nobody wants to talk to me, or everyone just walks away. I’ve had playdates for them since they were 6 months old! As for me, I’ve tried every social outlet there is! I exercise, belong to a club with small group exercise, but if the women know each other, they circle the wagons and do not let anyone else in their “clique”. It gets to the point where I don’t even want to try anymore! If my kids are interested in having a friend over, I’m the one who always makes the first call, and if the friendship continues, the Moms never call, I have to call them all the time! So I have my friendships to deal with, and my kids friendship issues. And yes, I’ve gotten myself out there in plenty of social situations, but nobody wants to give me the time of day. I’m a caring 41 year old, married, good morals, outgoing…I just don’t get it. It’s sad.

    • Gerry says:

      Jennifer I feel for you. I’m texting with my wonderful daughter as I speak, and she has made just a couple friends at college in over 3 weeks. And her girlfriend went to college 3 days ago and already has a boyfriend ! And this has always been an issue. She has always had a small circle of friends and finds it very difficult to extend her hand to new people. She’s really nice and a great friend when she the other allows her, but otherwise I see how she suffers over others not readily excepting her. As you said, you could see if there was some obvious reason for this. Is there something wrong with my kids ? Is there some reason we don’t seem to fit in here either ? Do we not try hard enough ? I am still perplexed as to why people with far less social skills than mine have lots of friends but I don’t. I mostly rely on college and HS friends myself. But with busy lives, I think people in general need each other less. There is so much one can do alone, indoors these days, that most people don’t actually go out. I notice how you never see kids in the Summer anymore. They are all indoors or away with family. So don’t beat yourself up. I have tried many of the things you are talking about too, and I just don’t find most people interesting enough to pursue it anymore, so maybe they feel the same about me : ) I’m 51, and have a wonderful wife who works a lot and two great girls. But they don’t seem to have the need to know everyone like I did growing up. They have lots of electronics to keep them busy and a kid or two will do it seems when they are out. And believe me, it breaks my heart when they talk about being alone, or no one wants to do such and such with me, but it will change. When you expect it least. You are doing everything right and life still refuses to give it up for you sometimes Jennifer. Hang in there. It’ll work out in the end. Good Luck ! I know this site is mostly for women, but I certainly can understand all the feelings everyone is going through. Sucks being a parent sometimes ! : )

      • Mia says:

        Hi Jennifer and Gerry

        Thank you Jennifer for sharing your feelings with us, and thank you Gerry for your positive encouragement :)
        Jennifer what you said really struck a chord in my heart. I really felt that I could relate to you. Sometimes I also feel that it’s almost impossible to make new friendships because other people already have theirs and they just don’t want to let anyone else in. My situation is a little different from yours, I am in my 20’s, don’t have children yet and am not married, although I am in a very loving relationship. So I don’t have the excuse of having limited time because of my kids. So despite all my freedom and the fact that I am free to do what I want, I too am struggling to make long lasting, genuine friendships. I would say most people would describe me as loud, smart, outgoing, sociable, caring and confident. It’s so strange that when ever people talk to me they always think I’ve got a very busy social life and an abundance of friends. I have lots of acquaintances but barely any close friends. I am almost always the person who makes the initial contact and organise meet ups. It’s been that way with women for as long as I can remember. I’ve done a lot of soul searching over the years and I am aware that sometimes we ourselves have part to play, but perhaps not 100% would be all our fault. I admit that I’m not great with time and running late could be one of those reasons, so that is something I am working on right now to improve. The other thing I have come to realise is that I have always had greater friendships with men, we just click better. That’s why through out my life I have always had more male friends then female friends. But that has proven to be quite a challenge for me as I have not been able to keep my male friendships for long because men have a tendency to pursue me rather then befriend me. I have now stopped making male friends because I have a zero percent chance so far in keeping a male friend who is not interested in me for other reasons. So now I am back to square one, and I am perplexed about women. I try to be a good listener, I try to invite nice girls out, I organise fun events that I know certain women will enjoy, I try to give a lending hand as much as possible and I constantly keep in touch. But despite all this I find I am rarely invited out and rarely contacted. I am out of ideas, sometimes I wonder if being around too many males as friends has made me insociable with women. I do admit that I miss hangout with my kind and doing what girls do best. I believe it’s a choice what happens to us, so I’ll continue to knock and wait for my door to open with amazing people who are looking for what I am looking for :D

        • Nayla says:

          Mia,

          Wow, you have no idea how much you are not alone in the whole male friends department. I have this theory that I use to self-justify why I can’t make female friends: I’m the only girl in my family ( three younger brothers), and although I did help my mom around the house, I also helped dad do a lot of male-expectant chores and spent time playing video games and cars in the dirt with my brothers because, after all, we lived out of town and we had no neighbors with little girls. Thus, I think I became a tomboy. However, it seems I’m more of a tomboy at heart or spirit rather than on the surface. For instance, I love dressing up girly, but I won’t do dresses….I can do pastel colored clothing, florals, brights or neutrals, etc. my style has developed from rocker/jock chick in highs school when I had so many friends, but now I’m a loner introvert that dresses to impress hoping maybe I can find someone I can click with at least by fashion common interest.

          Anyway, ever since I graduated from high school, I moved far away to attend a good university while all my small town friends from childhood went to a nearby college (thus they remained close and I got basically forgotten and maybe I would’ve if Facebook lol didn’t exist). So now I’m 26 years old, and I am married, two toddlers, and full-time student at a university. Even at the university, it’s hard to make friends. Nobody wants to invite a mom to a party (and yes I approach people my age too). They always assume I’m super busy, but gosh has anyone heard of a babysitter? I try showing interest in initiating a friendship but it seems everyone already has their own group and when they start to see that I can’t make it everytime to an event be it due to homework or no babysitter, they quit inviting me as if I can never be absent or can say no. Then there’s mom students like me who do the same. Or sometimes, they are from the area and aren’t interested in forming new friends because they already have a best friend(s) that they do everything with. In my city, there’s only one high school friend that lives here, we have similar fashion interests, but to her, I’m what others are mentioning…in the c list if not b or d. We are close but we don’t trust each other. It’s weird. It’s almost like we just use each other but we have never really clicked. She only calls me when she wants to eat out and not be alone and then posts it on her Facebook. Or when she wants me to pick up her kids from school all the time because she can’t make it. How did I end up using her? I didn’t have anyone else besides my husband to hang out with (but at times even my my husband was not there for me since he’s got loads of friends here all who are unmarried are his closest buddies).

          So yea, it sucks.. I don’t know what girls want and I’m a girl. I see all these blogs with photos of women friendships having manicures, sharing closets, going out for drinks or coffee, spending time with each other’s kids at a playground while moms chat, having couple dates, etc…and I only put down my tablet because I know that no matter how hard I try to get some of those things in my life I just can’t make one close friend. Either I’m too different or too boring, but im not rude or uncaring. If anything people walk all over me because I am desperate for a friend that I’ll usually say ok to favors, but that we’re things end. I’m just an emergency outlet/wing girl. Why is it so hard to click with a woman, female? I remember in high school I clicked with a lot of people, and most weren’t interested in my hobbies like art, sports, and literature, but somehow our minds thought the same. I can’t seem to find this here anywhere. I used to have friends I all the stereotypes in my school because I didn’t care about labels, but now, it seems like I’ve become one myself…an outcast. Any tips? Where does anyone, besides church, find couple friends? How do I find time to get more involved? What do females like to talk about (topics, gossip?, interests), and what kind of friend should I look for that could eventually become my bestie?

          • Nayla says:

            Oh and I forgot to mention that all my male friends did the same thing to me too. Yea, they were the friendships that lasted the longest, but on,y until I’d find out that they were only my friend because they were waiting for a chance to date me, or if I was married, they’d cross their fingers for the day I could soon divorce so they’d have a chance with me. Yes, they all confessed these things to me later.

            As for my girlfriends, after I married …which was sooner than I expected (because I was literally like the intelligent daughter who’d go to Harvard but was not smart in life decisions, only in books), they all abandoned me. So, now that I’m trying to make girlfriends, im not sure how. I’m not even wanting a lot of friends, one best friend is all I need more than want. I feel like I’m going crazy ( I’ve never been an introvert and much less a anti sociable person). It’s so hard to find girls with humor personalities rather than just wanting to gossip all day or talk about their life problems everytime we meet. I mean, it’s ok you know, but I think part of having a friend is to not just relate with issues if at all, but to escape reality for a bit and laugh together and make memories….this is what I’m having issues with. I used to be funny, but not anymore I guess. Maybe my life is so miserable that I’m having a hard time making friends?

    • Karen says:

      Hi everyone. I came across this website today because I was feeling a bit lonely and I also have trouble making and keeping good friends. It’s good to support each other.
      I also found a blog on the Huffington Post on the topic of loneliness that I thought was very good and I hope you guys will too.
      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/smita-malhotra/3-lessons-about-lonelines_b_5686658.html
      Remember that we are all worthy to be loved so let’s do our best to love ourselves and one another.

    • Ceci says:

      Funny that I just typed into my search engine the same question that started this blog so long ago. I am a woman in my early 40’s and am struggling with this problem and it gets worse every year. I moved to this country as a baby and was raised by introverted parents. I am an extrovert, but my parents frowned at my personality and tamped down any self expression that was deemed too bold, too American, etc. As I grew up, I struggled to fit in with my friends in school who stayed away from the “different” looking girl with the slight accent. I worked hard to assimilate and from age 11 to 17, I shed my accent and became 100% an American girl. The funny thing is that I was never truly accepted by my American friends and my parents friends kids didn’t accept me either because I was not ethnic enough. When I went to college I met a lot of “enlightened” people who formed their own groups (grunge, sorority, politicos, etc.) I now had to figure out who I wanted to hang with. After getting married and having kids, I got rid of people who made me feel used and unworthy and kept 2 genuine friends. I have moved away and am having a hard time connecting with moms. I have to overcome the ethnic thing(moved to a fairly homogeneous region), the working mom thing, the “you are not from here” thing, the religious thing…when all I want is to say “hi” and get to know someone. I put myself out there and have been rejected for various reasons and so I find myself here. While it can be lonely, I am not willing to employ the kiss up tactics I used as a youngster, or have the insecurities I felt as a young woman trying to fit into a clique. What can I do?

  4. Amy says:

    Hello all you lonely ladies. :-) (me too!)

    Its because friendships are work. They require nurturing, attention, care, etc. Especially for Mothers, all of this energy is spent on your children, where ir should be, youre lucky to even have any left over at the end of the day for yourself! The easiest relationships are those where two people are attracted to each other, even if just platonically. So make yourself attractive to the potiential friends, not even talking physically, genuine people can look past that, but emotionally, socially, spiritually. It all starts with you. Ask yourself, are you a downer? Do have any interesting topic you can discuss? Can you put asside your insecurities, long enough for them to let their guard down too? Do you ask about them and remember to follow up on whats going on in their lives? And on the other end, you cant only be a listener, good friendship knows how to balance, throwing your life in their with theirs in conversation. Again, this is just a lot more energy than one might realize, some women are naturals at doing all this…but they do all of this, and find themselves with some close friends. Also, go out and do something with a friend besides just talking, something active where it gets both your heartrates up. Accomplish something together. All of this takes work. Guess why i’m lonely….i dont have the time or energy right now, with my own real life stresses. Plus, its not a healthy place to be starting friendships from. Fix yourself first, noone can do that for you, people let you down. God loves you, he knows you by name. He wants you to have great friends too. You have to start with yourself though.

  5. DIANA says:

    Dear All,

    It was good to find this website! Today I find myself in a place I’m not liking very much. I am seeing my elem school aged son as he is having trouble making friendships, yet I think he is such a wonderful kid. I am reminded of my own childhood and all the angst that came with it. Some of his struggles have brought to light my own present troubles with making deeper connections with people in the area. I won’t say I don’t have any friends, some I have had for years. Unfortunately, I relocated a couple of years ago and am having to start over in a new town with my husband and kids. Thank God for the great friend my husband is. I am fortunate for sure, but I still deeply desire deeper connection to other women who also want the same. I am realizing that my expectations need to change. I am not going to instantly be friends with my neighbors or everyone I know at church. What is hard is that sometimes what I “feel” is rejection, but it has more to do with my own insecurities. The vibe I get often is that the other person has enough friendships or just leaving it at superficial level. I guess the key is to keep on trying, not everyone is like this. I think many people are scared to let others in. I think some folks are still clickish, so if you dont “fit into the mold” of what they want to be friends with, then they dont want you as a friend. You dont want to have them as a friend anyway., however its can still sting.

    My prayer for all of you and for my kids and myself, is that we can learn how not to get down about ourselves, keep on trying, and hopefully one day soon we will find that friend to reciprocate the type of friendship we desire. I also pray that our children will not experience the same heartaches we endured, but keep in mind that challenges help to build our character. I read a previous post that is a good reminder to me. It is true that as a Christian I am not guaranteed to have many friends. If I dont keep my perspectives right I can be tempted to feel that the rest of the world has it better than me. But really, that is a lie. Many folks are only showing you their best side and there is indeed much pain and sorrow that is hidden. Let us stay true and be women of substance and of sincerity. Be careful who you share your innermost thoughts with, but don’t give up being real.

    Man – this got super wordy fast! Thanks to all of you who have shared your hearts here.

  6. tanja says:

    I find that with being married and having small children, life is a bit more lonely than it was before. Wonderful to have kids at the same time, but female friendships disappear. My friends that didn’t have kids had the freedom of still going out and staying out late etc. The friends that did have kids around the same time, even though did not live close by, we would try to get together once a year. Yet, as our kids get older, some of them do not get along like they use to, part of it is age now, some kids are two or three years older and that makes a difference in development. But, then we don’t see each other that often because we can’t be bothered with the trouble of always telling our kids off or to go and “play” so we can talk. Of course, I make new mommy friends with kids my kids age, either from my kids school or my neighbourhood. But, these friendships are dependent on how well the kids get along at the time. Since being a mom, most of my friends are superficial. I am superficial with them as well. But, it’s hard to have deep talks and get to know them really well or to be bossom buddies when you are always interrupted by the kids. Talks become about parenting and parenting techniques. Somewhere, between the lines, there may be some depth to it and hidden messages and profound statements about motherhood are revealed and you can walk away and take some deep message and new insight with you. Those moments are few and far inbetween. As you get older, it gets harder.

  7. Misty says:

    I specifically googled the term “women that have a hard time making friends” and this site came up. I feel as though I’ve found out I’m not alone. I never moved around a lot as a child. However, I grew up in a very small town (less than 1000 people) and I went to school with the same 15 kids from K-12. I didn’t like a single one of them except a girl in the class beneath me. We were friends for many years until I finally realized she was just as fake as the rest. It broke my heart. However, she’s the only real friend I ever had. I only had one or two close friends for a long time. For the past 10 years I haven’t had one single close friend whatsoever. I have a few casual acquaintances but no one I talk to personally or share my thoughts with. Basically just “Hi, how are you?” and those types of niceties. It’s a very lonely situation. I have a husband and children but I think they tire of me. I really wish I could have close women friends but it hasn’t happened. I think part of the issue is I don’t trust other women. They seem to be all about fake things like hair, nails, money, shopping and things I have very little interest in. I like coffee and a movie and shopping is not really something I engage in very often. It’s hard to trust women who back stab. We women can be vain and mean creatures. It’s a sad sad thing. I simply can’t be friends with women who talk badly about others behind their back or worry when they can buy their next item of clothing or get their hair done. I can’t relate to these things. I can’t stand vanity and gossip so I think that is why I have such a hard time making close friends. I figure if I tell them something personal it will be the talk of the town. Anyway it really gets lonely. I miss trusting a good friend.

    I am from Texas near Austin

  8. Emme says:

    It’s comforting in a way to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I’m in my mid 40s. My parents had me late in life and growing up I never had any siblings or playmates. I was a shy, sensitive child who loved to read and was interested in anything creative and I just never really fit in with anyone all through my school years. Everyone made fun of me and every time I thought I had a friend it turned out to be false. I hated school so much I never went to college instead I stayed at home, pursued a career as an artist, and I became a caregiver for my aging parents. I don’t drink or use drugs, I’m not a party girl so clubs and bars are out, I couldn’t care less about sports, and I’m not religious so the idea of using a church to try to meet someone makes me feel like a hypocrite, no offense intended, I respect those who have a faith that brings them comfort. I’ve tried going out places, like bookstores and coffee shops and various events just putting myself out there, being open and hoping for the best, making myself come out of my shell and speak to people, and talking to anyone who speaks to me. I look like a normal woman, no tattoos or piercing or anything wild or weird. I’ve tried using the internet to find people with common interests, and also for dating, but its never worked out and I’ve had so many terrible experiences. After I achieved a small measure of success and became known in a modest way whenever I tried to make friends and people found out what I did they expected me to be rich, which I’m not and nowhere near it, or they wanted me to be the doorway leading to their own success or someone close to them, like to get their poetry published or their aunts art seen or their boyfriends music heard by the right people and when I told them I couldn’t do that they had no use for me. I just want to be liked, or even loved, for myself, to know that even if it all ended tomorrow there would still be someone in my life who liked and wanted me for me. I even tried making friends among other creative types, but that’s never worked either, too much competition and arguements that I don’t care to be involved in, that’s just not me. I’ve been kind, taken a genuine interest in others, participated in projects, volunteered, and helped when I could but nothing real or lasting, no one who was ever there for me when I needed someone, and if I had to say no to something for whatever reason they got mad and dropped me. Every time I let someone get close to me I always get hurt, they dump me suddenly no warning, or a time when I really need a friend and try to turn to them I find out they aren’t usually in a very cruel way, sometimes they turn out to have been lying all along, the kind of people who like to play mind games, sometimes they threaten to reveal personal things about me to hurt me and my career just because they can, or because I’ve succeeded where they haven’t or they think I don’t deserve it, they say things like what would your fans think if they knew this about you. It’s become so hard for me to trust people, to open up and share things the way one must to make friends even taking things slowly and carefully because I never know if it’s going to come back to bite me. I feel like such a failure.

    • Jen says:

      Emme,

      I am artistic and love to be creative too, albeit untrained (b/c my parents refused to support my artistic pursuits), so I do creative stuff for pure enjoyment. Occasionally it even gets affirmed like when I recently got second place in an adult art contest. Fun!! Anyway, I so relate to your not being interested at all in sports, nightclubs, etc. and I had a boyfriend once and a few friends that were the “mind game” type – yuck!!! I totally sympathize with your struggles. I have a brother an sister, but that doesn’t always go great – one doesn’t speak to me simply b/c we have different political views. Doesn’t seem right that the world can be full of 7 billion people and so many of us are struggling with loneliness. If you don’t mind sharing, where are you? You don’t have to be overly specific for privacy’s sake, but perhaps you could mention what state or major city you live near? Best wishes to you!!

  9. carrie says:

    Don’t agree with the multiple moving argument, but the personality type does have alot to do with it. Also, the self esteem of the women has certainly much to do with how they form bonds with other females. Since society demands that women “compete” with each other, compare themselves to each other, with the “ultimate” goal of catching a mate, its become very very difficult to become lasting friends with other females. As soon as they become involved with a mate, it changes how they perceive things, especially if the friend is still single. Now, if these women have good sense of self, and don’t lose their ability to have single friends that they had prior to the courtship, then there is hope. Most women however, as soon as they form a intimate bond, feel threatened very easily. Even when there is NO threat. I know, I lost all my married friends as soon as I got divorced. Somehow I suddenly became the threat, and funny thing is, I’d NEVER EVER be interested in their mates, even if they were available! Now most of those women have lost all their friends, and I have moved on to find women with great sense of self and strong loyalties. They are out there, but indeed hard to find is putting it mildly.
    I purposely moved my daughter around alot to have her experience different cultures, different climates, and explore the U.S. I stopped moving when she started Jr. High all through high school, and she to this day has all her high school friends. She never had difficulty forming friendships and she has MANY of them to this day.
    Lastly, if you have a daughter, or are a woman that wonders about how society treats women, read Reviving Ophelia. Its a MUST read for anyone who has girls in their lives. Seriously, its explains alot….

    • Oks says:

      Be my friend :D

    • Lois says:

      Carrie, i have been saying the exact things that you have pointed out for many years. You have pointed out TRUTH about society and how we as women are viewed and how women view themselves without evening realizing it. Many if not most women will disagree with your post, but you hit the nail dead on the head for the most. I will sum it up without cutting corners or ducking between bushes….”Women have NO value in the world”. Men in general do not respect women and we know that women in general do not respect each other especially when it involves men. Women only get respect when they are revealing their bodies or agreeing to have sexually relations with a man, and then its only temporary respect if thats possible. Lastly women will disrespect their own family or true friends over a man even if the man is horrible to them. Ever notice if a husband cheats on his wife, the wife confronts the other woman as if her husband DIDN’T know he was married. That other women do not owe you anything, but your husband is the one who owes you a honest truthful marriage. I may get many who disagree with my post, but i expect this simply because MOST women havent recognized how society has been scripted for us and carried out by us.

      • dee dee says:

        Hi Lois,

        That was a great synopsis……… I have always thought of it that way….

        We may not get respect, but we fail to see the power we have.. Men could NEVER cheat if women NEVER would and women would than be very powerfully bonded with each other.

  10. Tracy Taub says:

    Hi all

    I literally stumbled upon this blog while googling something else. I fit the description to a tee: raised in a military family, moved all over the country, introverted, and have few friends now beyond my twin sister (who lives 500 miles away) and my husband.

    I am lucky in that the hands of Fate threw me another curveball, but one that seems to be the remedy to my inflicted loneliness… I’m an alcoholic. Voila! Instant friendships with about a million people through meetings. Really, though, I prefer Al-Anon meetings. In a good Al-Anon meeting, people get down to the nitty gritty pretty quickly, so deep true connections with others are more likely. And the good news about Al-Anon is that anyone can join. It’s where I learned that most people are messed up and lonely, even those with close friends.

  11. annie says:

    I think it is hard to make real friends in this day and age. My church is full of women who just seem fake to me and not particularly real or supportive. I realize how few friends I really have and how hard it is to keep a friend. You really have to invest time and energy. I do have friends, but even with neighbors I feel it is out of sight out of mind. As a single woman with no family, it is hard to get people to realize you are not invisible. Life is lonely.

  12. Beca says:

    Is anyone here from Texas?
    Since we all seem to be friendless wouldn’t it be awesome to try and see if anyone one of us lives near each other?
    If you have a facebook or instagram you could add each other there and hopefully find a good friend among us…

  13. Forever Young says:

    I chose to not have close friends not because I am intolerant of other people but because I haven’t met the right people/person. I am tired of fake, selfish, inconsiderate, and backstabbing people. The day I meet someone who loves to just have a good company in their lives I will make an exception when that day comes. For now, I am happy to just be in my family’s company.

    • Chumach says:

      There is nothing wrong with being happy to be in your family’s company :) Not many people can say that. I’m also intolerant of other fake, selfish, inconsiderate, and backstabbing people. Lately it has been inconsiderate and selfish.

  14. Marie says:

    I understand and agree with alot of the post. I only moved once when I was five and never moved until I was married. I had a few close friendships as a kid but they moved away. I had a great childhood with my brother’s and sister. My mom worked so much. I hardly saw her. I am 47 and have lost all my friends. I met my husband seven years ago and moved and I still have once is a while conversations with old friends. My neighbors are like the descriptions on here. Fake and horrible people. The things I have sat and watched and overheard at the community pool. I am very lonely and went to talk with a counselor. It helped a little. Reading these stories it s a relief to see I am not all alone. There are others like me. My husband worries. I cry because I have no one but him and our kids. I made what I thought were a few friends only to find out they were fake here. My mother has not seen my six year old in almost a year. She favors which ever new great grand child comes along and drops the last. All my old friends are now drinkers because their kids grew up. My husband and I have a six year old. So we are at different phases of life to even go see them. I have no help from anyone but my older kids. I have god and I agree with my values are different from people around here that live here. They are not religious and gossip and I am not judging them but I will not be a part of it. I get up and say I need to go home to cook. Sometimes I feel lonely. I wish I just had a friend to talk to about girl things. My husband and I go away twice a year with our kids and everyone has something to say and we don’t tell them. They ask our kids. People are very jealous and it is our escape from the fake and click these people want to live in. I want to do good and enjoy people have fun and laugh again with friends sadly I think it may not happen. My real friends have different lives now and so do we. My husband suggested we try a church but time is limited with his work schedule. I believe the post that people have changed. I agree I have had some close friendships but they moved away. I also am having trouble know what to say to make friends now. I stick to just vacations or food or safe subjects. I have still had things twisted by these woman. I overheard one last week say. She has never done anything to me I just don’t like her. The neighbor told me your just too good a person. When her husband was out of work and they needed food we bought them gift cards and I gave them free deteregnt etc. to help them. They were losing their home. She came to me crying and now all she does to other mom’s is put me down. They have even taught their children to be rude to my six year old. He is like my husband and me. He don’t see it yet thank god. I pray when we downsize next year things get better. I honestly can say. I never felt so hurt and sad as these people have made me feel. God wanted me to help and I am suppose to walk with jesus. The woman counselor I talked with was great she said they are very nasty people. I told them the one came and gave me a baby gift when we moved in and then she kept giving us her hand me down’s. So in return I gave her a gift card a few times for the clothes and make her cakes when her family came in from out of town. She hates to bake. I did it as a gesture for thanks and trying to be friends. One day the town neighbor came and said she was giving her the clothes. I said good your hubby is out of work I am glad. The woman just stopped talking to me. The neighbor said it was because she didn’t want the thanks you gift she felt akward. The neighbor told me not to. I thought friendships were a give and take thing but apparently your just suppose to take according to them. I am better off alone than trying to figure out their rules they change constantly. I honeslty watch them and see how they act and I want to stay away. After we move I will try a church by our new home. Hopefully I can make one close friend.

    • Jessica says:

      Girl, I could have pretty much written this. I’m always willing to lend a helping hand because most of the ladies on my small cul-de-sac are pregnant. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. One thing that is different for me though is we are military and my husband is gone for three months every 3 months so I am alone with my almost three year old son A LOT and life gets very lonely. I’m in Georgia and all our family lives in San Diego. I’ll pray for you. God Bless.

    • Jen says:

      Forever young,

      My heart goes out to you! Life can be so hard!!! I have had some of the same problems.

  15. Anjilyn says:

    I think I get it now why none of you have any friends. Reading through post after post, do you know what the common element is? Your highly critical of others who are different from you. You are all very unique personalities, and you have no tolerance for anyone who is too different from you. It’s great that your not selfish in the traditional fashion, but you are in other ways.

    • Jen says:

      Hi Anjilyn,

      I have been thinking about your point that there is a common lack of tolerance for differences by many posters here. I am still thinking about it and trying to discover where this might apply to me. So far, I have not been able to really land on especially intolerant behavior on my part. We lived around the world b/c my father was in the military. We were friends with Polynesians, Germans, Koreans, and Americans of all sorts. In my adulthood I have had a Jewish best friend, a Catholic best friend,and a Christian/Protestant best friend. I was always assigned to sit next to the special needs, disabled kids in grade school. I really enjoyed helping them get to their classes, helping them keep up with the material, etc. I enjoy meeting people of all kinds and being friends with them. Just the other day I met some Canadian Japanese people at the waterpark. A few years ago I hosted an Muslem student from Saudi Arabia (I am Christian). He was a delight and very respectful. I have friends that are hispanic, “white”, etc. I am very tolerant of differences. I don’t mind differences of opinion, religion, culture, etc. But what I don’t tolerate is bullying or hurtful ungodly behavior. I do have some values and standards, so yes, I live by those. If that makes me “intolerant” or “selfish,” then I am. I do celebrate and enjoy different people. What I am actually seeing however, the more I look at it, is that I am the one who is outlasting the friendships. I am the one who is there, preservering, but others are fading away, not interested, etc. That’s o.k. I’m very busy with my husband, children, homeschooling, homeschool groups, some friends and extended family. I don’t go out much without my family, b/c we prefer to be together most of the time. So for instance, I don’t go to ladies bunco night, etc. While I would love to have some very close friends that I can trust, I remember that Jesus is my unwavering, eternal friend, and I focus on “being” a good friend, rather than “having” friends. Thanks for your point. I am still meditating on this one….

      • Catherine says:

        I agree. A lot of people that have a lot of friends do not set any standards for themselves. They just go along with any and everything their friends do. They just want to be popular and have lots of people around them.

        Do you ever wonder why all these so called celebrities commit suicide despite having so many ” friends ” . Because after a while they see the truth, that most of the people around them are fake. As a matter of fact they realise that their whole life is fake and empty. If most of these so called friends really and truly cared about them they would never have committed suicide.

        Their so called friends just go along with everything they do and relate to them on a superficial level. Their so-called friends even provide them with the drugs they are using.

        You talk about Jesus okay, Jesus himself said you have to be different. He said most people will hate you. In other words he said you will not have many friends. Unfortunately in this world if you are honest and keep it real with people you cannot have a lot of friends. That is because everyone nowadays likes to talk about being tolerant. No one wants to hear the truth i.e Let everyone do whatever they want and just accept it because they are different.

        I am not intolerant of anyone. Even people I don’t have the same values with I am nice too. Unfortunately I have found that these people hate YOU. They hate that you are not following them. So they cut you off and label you as weird. So I don’t agree at all with anything Anjilyn says.

        Unfortunately most people in this world are shallow. You know why because they follow everything they see on the television.
        They don’t believe in God anymore . Instead they worship Oprah and Dr. Phil and all these talkshow hosts that like to pretend they are experts on life.

        Just look at all the rubbish shows and advertisements on television. It is all just full of materialism and superficial relationships. Unfortunately most people are using this as the standard by which their lives must be set.

        And of course they will hate me for saying that because I speak the truth.

        Unfortunately most Christians are hated. Jesus himself said that. He said even your own family will turn against you and hate you.

        So why are you surprised you have few friends.

        You need to just stick it out till the end.

        Jesus himself said that. He said he that enduuuureth till the end shall be saved. He knew this life is not easy. He was betrayed by one of his own friends. He came into the world alone and he died alone.

        It is better to have two good friends in life than a bunch of fake superficial friends. One reason why some people have alot of friends is because they interact with alot of people on a very superficial level. Start talking about religion with your so called many friends or about morals and see how fast they drop you. You know why because they just want to have a superficial relationship with you. They do not want a true friendship.

        Unfortunately in life the truth hurts and well most people don’t want to hear it. So if you speak the truth they avoid you because they know you can see through them.

        Amen.

        • Jen says:

          Amen, Catherine! Enduring….

        • ally says:

          Catherine, I am sorry to tell you this, but you sound like a very annoying person who doesnt accept other peoples choices. You like talking about religion? Are you serious? This is a very delicate topic, nobody likes to hear their religion is wrong and yours is right. I am an atheist and I never ever try to push my views on other people or implicate that only people with the same faith as you have values. It is called respect and you should try it sometime .

          • Lois says:

            Alley, truth be told, nothing about accepting and loving Jesus Christ is delicate. Its only delicate to people like you who reject him because you do not know any better. But as the scriptures Phillippians 2:10-11. Sorry to everyone on this blog that i turned the topic away from its original, but, but Alley made it personal by attacking Catherine for mentioning Christ. Im tired of people attacking Christians and trying to discourage people who understands this journey. Im not backing down to anyone, i will always stand up for JESUS CHRIST.

        • lottie says:

          BRILLIANT Lottie

        • Tami says:

          I’m glad to see your view on this. I thought perhaps, that maybe I WAS intolerant of differences.

          Truth be told, I love differences between myself and others, it gives room for exploring another persons view.
          I will say that a lot of people don’t like me, because I “Have no filter” meaning, I don’t pull punches with words, I speak it like I see it.

          And people act like that’s a bad thing. I’d rather make sure people understand me the first time I say something though, so I don’t hedge and hem-haw about making everything sound rainbows and roses. was wondering for a while there, if it was just me. Thanks for putting up your reply.

      • lottie says:

        Hi Jen,
        Very beautifully written especially those last few sentances.I have been a good friend to many in the past but got used.People can be so shallow and I made the mistake of trusting too many and yes I also outlast the friendship.
        Just two weeks ago I started to attend a Buddha Centre with a very good friend from my early school days. Just listening and meditating has helped me to relax and clear my mind.It is so peaceful.The people I have met there are very welcoming. Take care Lottie

    • Chumach says:

      Once again, ANOTHER person who comes by telling us how horrible we are. (rolls eyes).

      If you actually read the stories, you’d see there were common elements. A lot of us moved around a lot as kids. We had struggles through young adulthood. We’ve had bad experiences. All of these shape how one approaches people and eventually forms (or doesn’t) close relationships.

      I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be understood. I have befriended people who were very different than myself. Many people have said I’m a very tolerant person, but that is actually my downfall. Sometimes you have to have standards and set limits. That’s not a bad thing. I have YET to read a single woman here who said she was too good for people.

  16. Brianne says:

    I don’t feel very comforted by the article’s answer as to why some women have a hard time making friends with other women. I guess it makes some sense. I did move a couple times during my childhood and I also went to Germany for a year during my last year of high school, but I feel like there’s more to it. I’m 18 and a fairly extroverted person. It seems like when I was younger I was able to make some very good friends, some of which I’m still friends with but they don’t live close anymore. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed a severe lack of good women connections in my life. I’ve tried lots of things, looked up some friend making tips, been the best friend I possibly could to other girls, but the friendships usually seem one-sided. I now feel very alone. I’ve started to wonder if there’s just something wrong with me. Maybe I have some underlying negative quality that discourages others from getting close to me. Really, I just want a good friend who’s kind, supportive, and inspiring to me.

    • monika says:

      Sad to say but it is the reality of life that not everyone will be having close friends or any friend so to speak. You are perfectly fine and there’s nothing wrong with you, I believe in this we are living in 98% of the human race are corrupted with envy, greed, jealously, selfishness and downright uncaring. Have you ever notice how unfriendly people always having lots of friends ?

      The reason for that is because they are of the same kind most of the time. If two does not agree then they cannot walk together. It got to do with spitural connections between two people, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to fit in the crowd, you still have this sense of viod and emptiness deep within and that emptiness cannot be filled until you connect with someone that have your nature.

      Simple put, you cannot mix oil and water together, good and evil are always at war they cannot co-exit. I am a very lonely person who have experience all these things in life and I have a very good understanding of what’s happening and who I am as an individual, I came to the understanding that I am a very rear person and lots of people on this blog are the same, hence we question ourselves as to what wrong we have done to other’s when in truth and in-fact their ingrained sense of jealousy has played a vital role in friendship.

      Strange thing is that people envy you for simple things,your character and your integrity has always shining through hence your light is creating a problem for them.Your presence have a lot to do with it, it’s the energy you walk with also, the same way you can sometimes feel other’s negative energy around you. I am at a stage in my life where I am still hoping to find another good friend and also going through the acceptance stage of being without any true friend. It’s hard some days but I rather be alone than to be unhappy around loads of highly undesirable people.

      • nini14 says:

        Thank u for sharing.

      • Chloe C. says:

        Monika, I’m going to have to agree with you on this. I’m 35, and I do have a few true friends but no one I talk to on a daily basis. I’ve come to the conclusion that although I consider myself to be somewhat introverted, I’m not so much that I can’t really talk to anyone. I do notice that fake people attract fake people and they know when someone like myself can see right through them. Therefore I repel most people because we do live in a world where everyone is so materialistic, concerned with status, fitting in or what “other” people will think they just go with what they know will keep them in the little circle by being fake. I see this a lot. I’m not too concerned with making friends with people like that. I feel like why even bother with a superficial friendship that’s not meant to last? Most of the time more ppl have a couple handfuls of fake friends, but barely a couple of true friends. Those r the type of friends I will pursue over fakes as true ppls with a genuine spirit do attract each other, while fakes do the same as well. Good point, and I’m glad I read your comment as I feel the same. I think I’m great company, fun, funny and a true friend above all else, I only want to make friends who share the same qualities.

      • Jen says:

        Monika,

        Beautifully said. I am in a similar stage in life. I am glad you are a very real person, with integrity. God bless you!

      • Joanna says:

        WOW-Thank you so much for that as you gave a better understanding as well as some truth. I really could use a good friend but most don’t have balance or reciprocate but rather seem narcissistic. I often feel like the dump truck, counselor, scratching post for the cat, the priest, and way to much drama for me. I like to look at the positive and keep a sense of humor.

        What a drag when so called friends call you and quickly ask you how you are and before you can answer or share they are off on a race about themselves and usually about stuff I could careless about.

        Therefore I have no friends or at least the wrong ones. where are the rest of the people like me. Far and few. However, you have enlightened me about the jealousy, my character vs. theirs, and once again what does lightness have in common with darkness. NOTHING>

      • Lauren says:

        There is an old French saying that translates, “It’s better to be alone than to be ill-companioned.”

  17. Beca says:

    All of these years I thought I was alone, I’m 23 and have had bad experiences with girls, I do everything to be a good friend because I wanted to be a good friend, helping them when they are drunk, listening to all their guy problems, trying to help them fix their relationship, hugging them when they are crying and being there for them. Hanging out with them when they are very down and need someone there, the list goes on but most of those girls would not be there for me when I needed someone there which was very rarely, I had a so called best friend sister sleep with the guy I really liked and even when we got together the girl could never tell me they had sex, instead i found out from him and her sister. I started to push people away from being hurt sooo much and even wondered over and over how come some people have real friends or even at least one best friend, even rude, cheating and liars yet I who was such a good friend couldn’t have one? Now I’m so angry inside from everything I’ve gone through that I just don’t let girls in or even guys. But deep inside I want a friend and i found myself wanting one more than ever this month.

    • Gozde says:

      Hi Beca,

      You’re not alone at all. I am 31 and all these years I tried my best to be a good friend and did everything you’ve done. Unfortunately I came up with “fake” friendships or temporary ones. Now I’m moving to a bigger city and I’ve fears because I don’t wanna be alone but at the same time I push people away not to be hurt. As you said I want a friend too even though I enjoy my own company. I hope you do better than me because I feel like we deserve more :/

      • Beca says:

        Gozde

        Good luck, I hope you find a good friend there.What city are you moving too? Are you going to go to coffee shops, libraries or join a activity club to try and find a friend? I was considering of doing that going to the lake often and see if I see any usuals who are also alone, or to the library.

        I recently wrote a girl I hung out with a couple of times in the past 2-3 years, she kept ignoring me after a while because of her boyfriend (a cheater) he kept telling her “I don’t want you to hang out with her because you are just going to go check out other guys, go downtown to clubs or bars ect, ect” When he never even met me, So she basically had no friends for a while. So far we have been texting every now and then. The only reason I’m giving her another chance is because she hasn’t done anything bad to me and has also never had a best friend before. She told me before more than once she always wished she had a best friend so lets see if its true, I hope she stays away from her ex that doesn’t want her hanging out with me.

        I totally, I’m tired of getting hurt by girls and guys I’ve helped and trusted so I tend to push people away. Not because I’m scared to get hurt again but because I am just soooo tired of it, I feel like if I let someone hurt me again I’m stupid for trusting someone again who I shouldn’t have or wasted my time being a good friend to someone who din’t appreciate it again. I just want to find a good friend who will actually appreciate my help and actually be a good friend to me.

  18. Jody says:

    I guess I’m not alone. I can relate with at least parts of every story, if not all of them. I moved 12 times before I was 18. I made amazing friendships, but once I moved they faded away. I did not have the greatest upbringing and spent time in several foster homes in my teenage years due to abuse and neglect from my father and Step mother. I never met my real mother until I was 10 and that was very brief. I lived with her as teenager off and on, but she was a full fledged alcoholic. So I really, pretty much took care of myself. I felt I became very good at blending in with most any group and people liked me. It was nice actually. My friends and friendships were an escape for me from my family. Today I’m 51 and I can’t find good friends to save my life. I meet people all the time, but once they’ve been around me for a certain length of time, it seems to end. I have such a complex now that it’s hard for me not to worry about even meeting people anymore. I think my insecurities is turning them off. Yet, there has to be other factors. I mean, I’ve met a lot of people and after 20 years you can’t keep explaining it away. I want to have fun with others and it would be so awesome to have others like me too and want me around. It appears to happen so naturally with other people. Can someone, anyone help me?

    • Jen says:

      One thing to keep in mind…psychologists are saying that about 50-60% of the population is now narcissistic, that it’s becoming an epidemic in the last few decades because of credit cards, celebrity worship, social media, etc. While no one knows the exact number, it’s something definitely worth noting. I believe that people like yourself, who are willing to give, and be committed, are simply becoming more rare. Look at your hobbies, favorite music, what you enjoy, etc. and seek out social situations based on these. Making friends can take a long time b/c friendships build gradually. Remember the adage, “friends come and go, but family is forever.” Well, we have a setback b/c we have a family that is also unstable. Family is supposed to be more of a haven from an unstable world. Friends are definitely as difficult to understand and keep constant as the weather, plus it’s not really our place to control them. If we can start accepting the randomness of friendship, enjoy the present moments that we’re in, and feed our relationships without getting clingy and co-dependent, I think friendships can sometimes endure. But friendship (as with mentally ill family members), is fragile. Keep trying, but remember to be your own best friend first and foremost. If you enjoy your own company the best, you’ll never feel too alone. Best wishes!

      • Lois says:

        Jen, How true…these people today young and some older ones “WORSHIP” celebrities like they have officially lost their minds. These people haven’t a clue that this is a “SIN”. The penalty they will pay is “priceless” People today are disconnected from being personal, their connection is computerized which has lead them to be dehumanized. Completely pitiful!

      • Jody says:

        Jen thank you so much for answering. I read your response and it does help. Thanks for being kind enough to care :)

  19. alphamae cuenca says:

    I had a lot of difficulties since when im young.Until now still it reminds me everytime im alone cause of what my mother treat so different from my other sisters and brother although im the youngest but less love and care i felt i dont understand why favoritism applied in such a motherly like what my mother showed to me.Since we had no father cause he passed away long time ago im longing the love and care of my father even he is not around.Im a shy and quite woman and i thought marriage is the solution of overcoming the pains that ive never forget till now but my husband is full of vices like hard drinker,smoker,cocckfight gambler etc.We have two beautiful kids the only way who inspired me thats why still my life goes through and whats best for me to maintain peace in my life is to pray always to God talking him like your friend cry outloud with Him and in return theres a miracle i felt He heard what Im praying God is good all the time hope this simple way of overcoming pains ion your heart,being alone and so sad,this is it.PRAY to GOD is the answere…God bless you…

  20. Tanja says:

    I have read some comments and can relate to some. However, I am getting so tired of hearing stories of “spell castors”. I don’t want to read emails about people trying to sell that shit to the already vulnerable and feeling kind of sad. I think the people that write on here about “spell castors” are disgusting. Either they are sales people who just care about making money or they are seriously insane people who actually believe that works. Anyway, thanks, I just wanted to say what I thought of these so called “fake spell castors”.

    • Irene says:

      I agree, Tanja! I try to remove any inappropriate posts when I see them. If you find others, please flag them for me!
      Thanks. Irene

  21. Teri says:

    I am reading these posts and I am comforted by the sad fact that I am not the only woman with a busy life, a husband and two gorgeous little boys, a career I love, and a Facebook page full of friends….but I feel like I am alone. I don’t get invited to do things, I don’t have a phone that rings or cell that sounds off with text messages. I initiate most contact with friends, I reach out to people for play dates, I watch as people that I thought I had close relationships with post outings and pictures on Facebook that don’t include me. I realized a long time ago that I do something wrong, but I can’t figure out what it is. I don’t know why I alienate people or simply become so forgettable that I don’t get invited to do anything! I have no lifelong friends that I am close with. Unlike many of you, I lived in the same house my entire childhood, then went away to college and decided not to return to my hometown. I thought I made wonderful friends in college, but those haven’t survived the test of time. I joined a group when my youngest was little and made wonderful friends, but we live in different towns and as the kids get more active with things there is less interaction. I try to establish friends at work, but those aren’t working out either. I wasn’t invited to two weddings and a baby shower I was sure I would be. I have tried to establish friendships with people in my neighborhood, but life drags us in different directions and those are not fulfilling either. My husband works nights and sleeps days, as a result I can’t even help my boys establish real friendships because play dates while he is sleeping would be a disaster. I coached soccer, I joined the local pool, I took the boys to countless library programs in the hopes of connecting with someone, but here I sit on a rainy weekend with nothing to do and no one to call to try and set something up. It’s making me sad, and my biggest fear is that my boys are going to have the same problem, my oldest has not been invited to do anything with a boy in his class, ever. I wonder if things would be different if I lived closer to my family and the one friend that I feel like I have in my hometown, but that is not going to happen. I am tired of feeling like I have something wrong with me. I want things to be better, not only for me, but for my boys. I want to know what it is like to have friends that are a constant in my life, I want people to want to spend time with me.

    • Irene says:

      Hi Teri,

      Your note tugged at my heart. Could it be that you are trying too hard, doing too much? Balancing a family and career takes a lot of energy and time and it sounds like your life is a bit of a whirlwind.

      Perhaps, it could be helpful to separate your own needs for friendship from that of your kids. Continue to provide some opportunities for your kids to participate in after-school activities but be more selective in terms of whom you reach out to for friendship. Also recognize that your time may be limited until your kids are more independent.

      Facebook envy is common—given that people post selectively. You might be better off spending less time on Facebook and carving out an hour or two a month for yourself to engage in things that you like to do where you can meet new people. Friendships develop slowly over time; feeling pressured to make friends right away can make the process even more daunting.

      My best, Irene

    • Jen says:

      Seems to me like this is a recurring pattern in our society. When we lived abroad, people were much more closely connected by faith and culture, even language. We have a lot of diversity here and while that can be great, we also need things that unify us. I choose to sit at home alone many weekends simply b/c my family of origin is rather harsh, judgmental, and well, mean. I’ve had to endure with it for 40 years and finally I decided to distance myself just so I could have some peace, balance, healthier spiritual life. My side of the family no longer practices their faith, they are proud, compete for attention, materialistic, etc. My hubby’s side of the family has some similar stuff. We just care about people, kindness, loyalty, love, God, and just need a little money to live. We have more than we need materially, but socially and spiritually there is a growing deficit in our country. It is hard for those have those values to get along in a competitive, self-centered overly individualstic culture.

      -Jen

    • Ashaki says:

      I feel the same although I switched schools 14 times growing up. As an adult I find myself never getting invited to events with people who I thought I was getting along with well enough to be “a friend”. I’ve just gone threw a pretty emotionally tuff divorce and wish I had friends, even just one close one would do. I look at my daughter and we have moved twice since the divorce. She is scared to start her new school at the end of the month. Terrified to make no friends and or be made front of. I feel so guilty for moving my children around as I know how that feels. I one had about 4 other kids ever in my school years who we mutually considered each other friends and those friendships never lasted. My best friend was my husband, now ex who left me for a younger more outgoing woman. If I died today no one would care.

      • Lois says:

        Ashaki, I feel exactly where you are coming from, i too know that lonely feeling. I am happily married with 1 beautiful sweet girl, but sometimes i just want that girl time to talk about many things that only we understand.lol It’s kind of hard to give you a lot of advice bcuz of my own situation, but know this…GOD cares about you nd he will always be there for you. He is and always be waiting for YOU to just have faith and trust in him. Ashaki, i didn’t listen or took these words from anyone else. ..im a “Living Witness” that he can and will deliver you from sadness, loneliness and anything else that you are going through. I was at a breaking point in my life time after time, i just couldnt shake my depression, i couldn’t shake my loneliness until i stop everything that was unpleasing to GOD. ..Now i focus , i mean truly focus on his works, his words, his ways and mainly on the fact that he loved me enough to die on the cross so my Sins as a human has already been forgiven …NO human or friendship could or would never be that loving and faithful. Now, im at peace with no outside friends, i said at peace, not that i wouldn’t perfer one or two, but GOD gave me a way to live peacefully without worrying about it daily. I dont know what faith you live by or no faith, but im telling you from experience by my life that im a living breathing witness of GODS eternal love. Im here if you wanna chat here. If not, take care and your kids love you as well.

    • Tina says:

      Teri,

      I can relate to what you are saying. I often wonder if people don’t include me because I am a strong, independent person. It is almost like they think that I don’t need anyone around me or maybe it is just intimidating to them. My son is the same way as yours, never inviting people over and not wanting to go to school functions. I also live very far from my hometown and I often wondered if I would have stayed there, would I be closer to my family and old schoolmates? It would be nice to have a friend that I could meet up with and at least go out to dinner or to some other outing with.

    • Peggy says:

      Hi Teri,
      If I didn’t know better, I would have thought I wrote your blog. I know exactly how you feel, you are not alone. I don’t think I have a problem making friends, it more about keeping them. What I have found to be my problem is my expectations of the friendship are quite different than the other person. I tend to think I have formed a closer friendship than what the other person feels. Some people I thought were very close friends, did things to make me realize that wasn’t the case, in fact I was just a casual friend to them. It always seems to be me trying to initiate getting together to do things and I don’t get that in return. I have friends that I have known for years, but again, it has been proven to me that it is more a “casual” friendship. I really envy people who have very close friends, the kind that isn’t just one person initiating trying to get together. Someone that if they don’t hear from you after a few days, take the time to call you. I do feel better after discovering this site knowing that there are others out there that feel the same way.

  22. Jiliane says:

    I can completely relate to this article. We moved around a lot when I was younger. I am also a quiet person, more observant than garrulous. I am generous with anything and I let other people shine. However, I have discovered that to have many friends, you need to be bitchy and narcissistic. Maybe it is the devil working in society because in this world, people who have a lot of friends are those people whl are selfish, full of themselves and fair-weathered. It is my choice to not have friends. I still help people and am nice to them but I do not expect them to be my friend. I have learned a long time ago that people are not interested in nice and loyal and generous. They don’t like that at all. I consider God and my immediate family as my true friends and that is more than enough.

    • Jen says:

      Jiliane: I do a lot of that too, helping people and enjoying whomever I meet in the moment. It’s more ministerial than friendship. I think you are on to something there. Friendships often seem more like dating and dumping than committed friendships. This has always bothered me. People do not seem to be really interested in kindness, loyalty, consideration, etc. I too have been focusing a lot on my immediate family and faith. But have not been able to fully solve the desire to have friends. Perhaps I just need to keep channeling that energy into other things. But I sure love having a few friends to be able to share my life with that care….However, like a good husband, they are very hard to find!

  23. Jen says:

    This has been an interesting site/blog to belong to. I don’t usually subscribe to blogs, and don’t ever communicate like this with strangers online. It has been a great relief, tho, to see so many people feeling exactly the same concerns and needs as myself. I sure do feel comforted and much more normal than I thought I was! If anyone is from Indiana or the Chicago area, and wants to communicate, please let me know.
    Thanks! – Jen

  24. Forever Young says:

    My problem is not making friends as I am a kind hearted, easy going, and down to earth person who loves people of all types. I do not discriminate anyone. And no, I am not a selfish person who loves to talk about themselves only. I do not befriend anyone just to use them either. I am a person who loves to enjoy good company. I would say, the only issue is that I hate drama and if I even sense drama I won’t even be a part of that. The article is very true. I moved around a lot over the years and left most of my friends behind although we contact each other through Facebook a lot. And now I made the BIGGEST move of my life in 2013 by moving from the USA to Canada when I got married to a Canadian citizen so there you go. Ladies, enjoy yourselves and the people you do have in your lives right now. Do not force friendships just let it happen naturally. Choose your friends carefully like you did your partner. Friendships are no different than our intimate relationships. Good luck to all of us in finding the right friendships.

  25. Olive says:

    We are in such polarized times where we have been raised, guided, or gotten the impression that we can only “run with our own”. It seems religion, financial status, political belief, as well as family loyalty have polarized American friendships. “If you aren’t just like me with the same everything, I am not supposed to socialize with you.” No one gets to know any one anymore. Instead they make snap judgements, based on very superficial information, and that’s it…you are in or out. I know I don’t make friends that easily as I am honest, and honest works in theory but now in friendships. To many people honesty is a loaded gun with the safety off! If this is how people make friendship decisions then they aren’t worth knowing due to their closed thinking. If you aren’t their kind of sheep, they aren’t interested. I want real people who show their cards.

  26. Wendee says:

    Hello everyone. I am so thankful that I found this blog, it is nice to know that I am not the only woman out there with the same problem. I found this while trying to search for information on how professional women can make friends in male dominated careers. Not quite the same topic, but much more enlightening.
    I turn 35 in a few days, I am married and have three children. I am also in the military. Like many of you, I do not have a lot of spare time, and this has been my excuse for not having a lot of friends. Being active duty, I move around a lot, which again doesn’t contribute to lasting relationships although I do use Facebook to keep in touch with old acquaintances and co-workers. Last of all, I work with mostly men, so I don’t meet a lot of women through work. This is actually a source of contention between my husband (also military) and myself. He makes friends everywhere, but he is into sports and works with all males. I try to make friends with my husband’s friend’s wives, but normally we can just chit chat about kids and never really have a strong connection.
    When I was single I used to have a lot more females friends, but I realize that we were more friends because we had a common goal: going out to meet guys.:-) Now that I am married and older, I don’t keep in touch with them that much plus I have moved a lot with my career.
    I would love to meet women whom I could do activities with like shopping, crafts, having coffee, going to see girly movies (my husband hates those), hiking etc. I am educated, have traveled many places, and overall think I am a very interesting person to talk to. My male co-workers think so as I don’t have a problem meeting males friends at work and feel that I am a well-respected member of my unit, but I never click with the wives of my male coworkers. I have tried play dates with my kids to meet their friends’ parents, but usually parents just drop their kids off and come back to pick them up. The other moms at my kids’ sporting events or birthday parties usually brush me off as well. I have given up with these kinds of things because I don’t have time between work and my children to chase around other people to be friends with. Sometimes it just seems easier and more enjoyable to sit by myself and read a book then try to make friends.
    I am introverted person myself and with three kids (ages 12, 5 & 1) I do enjoy any quiet moments to myself. But I feel sad at times that I don’t have another female friend that I can call when I want to chat and share things with. I don’t have another girlfriend to do girl things with, instead I have to go by myself. My husband is my BFF, but he is deployed right now and I deploy again shortly after he returns. Deployments are long, and it makes it hard to not have another connection with someone else while I am apart from my husband. I am envious of those women who make friends so easily with other females and I wish I knew what it was they did that I don’t. But thank you again for sharing your stories…it is very comforting to know that I am not the only one.

    • Suzie says:

      You sound like an ideal friend to have. :)

      I’ve never been in the military but can definitely relate to having difficulties with other moms. I have one child who is now 13, so I’ve met plenty of parents over the years who have ranged from flaky to borderline abusive. When my daughter was an infant, I had this warm and fuzzy fantasy of meeting some new moms with whom I had a lot in common: they were going to be around my age with one or more children around my daughter’s age, they would work outside the home like me so they could relate to a busy schedule, etc. It really never happened. More often than not, I’ve found that people who seem similar to me in terms of family and work are pretty different personality-wise. My closest friend is married, but not a mom. We met through our husbands, who used to be co-workers, and my daughter just loves her. It doesn’t matter that my friend doesn’t have a child for my daughter to play with- sometimes these “whole package” women really aren’t all that, know what I mean? In your case though, maybe there’s a way you could meet other military moms, especially those who deploy. I would google it for more info.

      (EDITED BY MODERATOR: A NUMBER OF POSTERS HAVE REPORTED BEING SPAMMED AFTER POSTING EMAIL ADDRESSES. TO CONNECT WITH OTHERS ON THE BLOG, JOIN THE FACEBOOK PAGE OF THE FRIENDSHIP BLOG CONNECTION)

      • Wendee says:

        Thank you Suzie! I used to think that when I had children I would be inducted into some secret society of women where I would always have plenty of girlfriends and women to talk to. I do admit, talking about your kids with a women you just met is the equivalent of a man talking about sports to another man he doesn’t know.  I have seen my husband do that plenty of times at my work functions.
        I tried googling information about women in the military connecting with other women and through my searches I came across this blog. I actually couldn’t find much on military women connecting with others. Mostly I came up with articles about jealousy and tension between the wives of servicemen and their female coworkers. I don’t like getting involved in that drama… I live off-base for a reason. 
        Deployments are a big issue. I just came back from a deployment a few months ago and I will be leaving again next year. It is so lonely. You are missing your family and kids, and then its even harder to make connections deployed when there are so few women and you have to be careful which ones you associate with.
        Thank you again for the reply. Your comment about similarity in terms of family but different personalities really stood out to me. I probably need to stop trying to look for “another me” in terms of friends.

        • JAM says:

          Awesome. I too was looking for close girl friendships and thought it would come into place after having children. I had to stop looking for another me as well and do my best to accept the ocean of uniqueness that each person is. However, I will say it is hard to have expectations in friendship, b/c many people are self centered and lie when it is convenient. So we do our best to find good friends and help our kids find good friends. It is very hard…we put it in God’s hands.

        • Suzie says:

          I tried to list my e-mail address earlier, but it didn’t take.
          Not to beat a dead horse (lol!), but I tell you: “non-mom” friends are the best! They don’t generally care if you breast-feed or bottle-feed, if you work or stay home, etc. I just find them (or at least *my* best friend) less judgmental and more easygoing. I’m the type of person that craves “easy breezy” and avoids drama like the plague.

          Good luck to you (Wendee) and to everyone else! :)

        • Suzie says:

          [EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED BY MODERATOR: Previous posters have complained of getting SPAM mail after leaving their email addresses. If you want to connect with someone via email, please sign up for The Friendship Blog Connection on Facebook: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/something-new-check-out-friendship-blog-connection-facebook/ I tried leaving my e-mail address earlier- maybe it will take this time: .

          Good luck Wendee and everyone else! :)

    • MomOf3 says:

      I stumbled upon this post and it resonated with me so much, especially this:

      “I used to think that when I had children I would be inducted into some secret society of women where I would always have plenty of girlfriends and women to talk to.”

      I thought very much the same thing! Little did I know that being a mom would make me more isolated than ever, and many of the super-close longtime friendships I had always treasured would start fading away in the wake of our newly busy schedules.

      I too have plenty of friends/acquaintances, but no one with whom I have a really special connection. Working from home makes it even worse, because I don’t even have co-workers to mingle with. I am not military and can’t imagine the rigors of having your husband deployed, but my husband is not very social, which makes meeting people more difficult.

      Anyway, I know it’s not the same as having an in-person friend you can have coffee with, but if any of you ladies want to commiserate, feel free to email me at

      [EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED BY MODERATOR: Previous posters have complained of getting SPAM mail after leaving their email addresses. If you want to connect with someone via email, please sign up for The Friendship Blog Connection on Facebook: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/something-new-check-out-friendship-blog-connection-facebook/ I tried leaving my e-mail address earlier- maybe it will take this time: .

      • StepMomof4 says:

        Hi Momof3-

        I can completely relate to you 100%. Although my kiddos are step-kids, they are still my kids! My husband and I are raising them as if they were “our” kids and he most always refers to them as our kids.

        Anyways, I thought when I became a mom that all of the sudden I would meet a whole bunch of moms and become best friends! That was me living in a bubble. That is so not the case. I also work from home 4 days a week and work in an office about 1 1/2 hour away from home 1 day a week. I get a little bit of socialization there, but the ladies who work there are a lot older and we just don’t have anything in common. I have tried to make friends but I live in the country and it is so hard meeting people.

        My husband is social but he doesn’t hang out with anyone from work really. We don’t go out with other couples or even hang out with other couples. I have tried to be-friend his co-workers wives but that just proved to be a disaster in all!

        Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that there is someone out there who feels the same way you do.

        • Wendee says:

          I think there is a special class of isolation when you are a step-parent!:-) My daughter is actually my step-daughter, but I have raised her since she was 3. Being an “instant” mother with a 3 year old, I was definitely out of my element and I tried to make friends with other moms, but many treated me like I was a pretend mom. Like I was just “practicing” with someone else’s kid. Being a step parent has so many more challenges, some that you can’t share with your spouse if they aren’t a step parent as well. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I see people tried to post their emails, but it only displays the Facebook page for the Friendship Blog. I am a friend on the Facebook page if anyone wants to “friend” me. :-) I am probably the only Wendee on there…thank goodness for crazy-spelled names.

  27. autumn says:

    Im 31 and still dont have friends. Ive had this issue my whole life. i grew up in a sheltered christian abusive divorced home. got kicked out at 15 for just standing up to my mother and moved in with my father who lived in the backyard of his parents in a tent. my sister and i moved in the back yard with our own tents. then we got kicked out of there reasons unknown and moved in with my dads friends. this kept going on with a few of friends as well as my own. but for the last ten years ive lived with my husband and the trend keeps going. everyone likes me at first and then they hate me. i have no clue as to why or how or what i did to cause such a drastic change. in a deaf community as well as a hearing community as i am deaf its all the same. the christian churches rejected me and all ive ever done was do everything to please people and be the best i can be. for me its sad and a mystery. i am lonley. my husband says i need to get out more. im poor and live in a second story duplex. i have three kids. i dont even have the fucking time to go out. lol im not a christian anymore for alot of reasons but one of em being christians have let me down as well. im trying to start new and fresh but the results are still the same. im trying to change for me now. for my kids. im a mess but now i accept thats okay. im also human and thats okay. mistakes happen and thats okay. maybe its my time to not have friends so i can work on myself. but sometimes i wonder if i will ever meet just one real friend..just one. im not greedy or wanting of much…says a poor wife and mom. lol but a simple thing as having a friend i can cry with, laugh with, be angry with, be happy with would be a blessing in the skies. i had one once but she even gave me a cold shoulder. no one ever tells me why they just do. i have a lot of questions and suspicions. maybe its just me. maybe im more damaged than i realized and this i have also understood. all i know is it would be nice to have someone who isnt a husband but just a reliable faithful loyal friend. i sound pathetic. but just like everyone there is always something they long for. i got a happy but challenging marriage, three healthy kids and a full life. now im ready to move and add other missing factors. all i can do is shrug my shoulders and get back to being mom and wife. and thats that.

    • Natalie says:

      Hi Autumn. What you said resonates with me. I think I am beginning to understand why people like me at first and then begin to hate me later. I am very empathic and so people, especially narcissistic personalities tend to gravitate to me because I listen and don’t judge. In friendships I have found that I really can’t share what’s going on in my life. I take a lot of emotional beating (criticism) from these people and then when I can’t take it anymore, I let them have it. That usually ends the friendship. They can dish out the criticism, but they can’t take it. I am realizing that if I cut them off in the very beginning, they will respect me, but if I let people run all over me and then I tell them my feelings, they can’t take it.

      Lately I have felt squeamish about making friends. For now it is safer to be by myself.

  28. Kris says:

    Aside from a few life-long friends I don’t have many and honestly, I don’t have the desire to go out of my way to make new friendships. That may seem harsh but seriously, at this point in my life I don’t have time to spark up new relationships. I’m the type of person that has many people that I enjoy talking with and that I honestly like but I don’t consider them true friends. Perhaps they are “friends” but I would never call upon them if I was in a bind or needed someone to confide in. Being a wife, taking care of my children and our home consumes so much energy it’s almost impossible for me to form an attachment. The ones I do consider friends. however, are the most amazing people in the world and I know I can count on them always. I’m very grateful they’re in my life. I suppose I choose quality over quantity.

    • Wendee says:

      I agree that its between my family and work obligations there is isn’t much time left over for forming new attachments. I normally choose to spend my free time doing something with my husband and kids instead of trying to find new social connections. If I had life long friends that I could call up and talk to occasionally, I think that would be OK with me too. I don’t need friends either to help me out in tough times, I have a lots of family and we are all pretty close. I could rely on my in-laws as much as my own family.

      But sometimes you argue with your spouse, or have an issue with your kids that your husband just doesn’t understand, etc. It would be nice to have another female connection that I could share this with. I can do small talk with mediocre acquaintances all day long, but there really isn’t anyone whom I could call to share private details of my life.

  29. Ella says:

    Hi, I’m 23, I’ve always had a problem with keeping friendship. I usually make the first move or effort to go out go out or to meet up etc. It usually sounds like they are willing to meet up but then they never answer my texts or anything of some sort. So plans are kept on hold. The only person I have and has loved me through out is my boyfriend, he’s my bestest friend. . My family are distant, mostly mum she’s always wanted me to get everything right whether how I look, education, hygiene but she’s never there emotionally, so Yes I’m left with zero female friends. I have a degree in fashion and I love working hard. But unfortunately every time I meet nice ppl along the way, they always seem to slip away. It’s been like this for years almost like a pattern and till this day I dont to understand why it’s happening, sometimes I can’t even go out to enjoy the sunshine at the park just looking at my phone wondering why I haven’t recieved any texts or some sort.

    • Gia says:

      I can relate! The same thing happens here I am ready to go out have fun then boom nothing! I am like okay.. what is the deal. are you in Florida? cause I live in St Petersburg Florida.

  30. Cynthia says:

    I am 31 and I haven’t really had any close friends since I left high school.

    I have had alot of aquaintainces and well I never had problems getting boyfriends. I am actually married at the moment. But i often felt awkward about not really having much friends outside my boyfriend or husband. I felt like a freak. Because if I broke up with my boyfriend I would get really sad because I wouldn’t really have anyone to talk to about it.

    I just don’t know what to do.

    Everyone tells me they think I am a really nice person but somehow I just don’t have alot of friends.

    Yes I am down to earth and introverted but I can be chatty if I have to.

    I am married. I had to be outgoing to meat my husband.

    I just feel like people only want to be your friends if they can get something from you. I feel like there are very few people nowadays who value just meeting for a coffee or lunch . I feel like most people I have met they just want superficial relationships and I am not that kind of person so they find me boring. Everyone just seems to be looking for excitement and if you can’t give it to them they don’t want to be your friend.

    Also I am just not into facebook or any social media. I find it boring. Whereas I feel like alot of people my age think it is weird if you don’t want to broadcast your life on social media. I could really care less.

    I have always been accused of being too quiet. I still don’t know what that means. Why would you dislike someone because they are quiet.

    I even had a colleague once that told me she hates quiet not realising she was offending me when she said that ( it was my second day at work). That automatically made me feel like I could never be friends with her so I never bothered to make friends with her.

    I just feel like in order to have alot of friends you have to be something other that you are not. You have to be with it. Following what the mainstream is doing or what is cool or people label you as weird. You cannot really have a fixed set of standards you have to be very flexible and often compromise your values. That is not me. I don’t want to compromise values, especially my religious values. So often I find that asians make good friends because they society tends to based on very strong values stemming from religion. I am not asian but it is funny some of my best friends in life have been asian.

    One way I have proved this is because I am quiet I have often been ignored by people who consider themselves to be cool . However all of a sudden when they realise I have a more exciting life than them/ what they want e.g I travel alot etc they all of a sudden want to be my friend. It is so fake. I have experienced this so many times.People always assume quiet = boring.

    I just think the world is full of a lot of fake people that only interested in you for what you can do for them and if you don’t show what you can offer up front and always putting on a show they are not interested in you. They just see you as boring.

    I don’t know if I will ever have alot of friends. Maybe some people are just destined to be loners.

    But sometimes I wish I could have a good group of friends but I find it very difficult. I just find with women there is always bitchiness and jealousy to some degree.

    I have a few friends but even then there is one in particular that annoys me from time to time. She is full of jealousy. If you have something she doesn’t have she insults you and sees nothing wrong with it but yet she considers me her friend.

    I am not a jealous person. I avoid it completely. I actually dislike it when people openly say they are jealous of others. I find it a real turn off and a sign of immaturity. Nowadays it is cool to alwyas be saying ” I am so jealous “. I can’t stand it when people say this. It is so shallow and empty.

    Maybe I am hyper-sensitive. My ex-boyfriend before my husband told me something I would never forget. He said I think you are a really lovely person but you don’t allow people to get to know you.

    Maybe I am too closed. I just don’t know what to do.

    Sometimes I feel like I see the world also different to everyone else. People have often told me I am very mature for my age and make very deep comments. Maybe it is too much for people sometimes.

    I often think I am so sensitive that if someone insults me once then I will just give up on wanting to be friends with that person.

    I really don’t know. I have a few friends but never really had a best friend or really close gang of friends except for when I was in highschool. I just don’t understand it. It makes me sad sometimes but I just try to keep positive.

    I think i just set very high standards when it comes to my friendships. You should genuinely care about your friends. A true friend speaks the truth. I couldn’t just hang out with someone for fun knowing they are making bad decisions for their life. That is not a true friend. But I feel like nowadays people define a true friend as someone who goes along with anything they want to do even if it is destructive. That is not a true friend in my books.

    It may have something to do with the fact that I don’t have a close relationship with my mother. My mother was always very distant and generally never really bonded with her children on an emotional level. She was physically present but she never made an attempt to bond with us emotionally growing up. As a result I have a very close relationship with my father but not so good with my mother. I can go for months without speaking to my mother but I can’t go a couple days without speaking to my father.

    As a result I have always found that I am very comfortable around guys but not around women. I never am 100 percent comfortable around women. I just find that with guys things are more chilled out. With women there is always some kind of jealousy or rivalry and I just don’t want to have to deal with it sometimes.

    I even have a so-called friend once who stopped being my friend when I met my husband. It was as though she was jealous that I was in a serious relationship and she was. I tried very hard to keep contact with her but she distanced herself from me. At one point she even told me that she was going out with the girls but it was for single people only. That hurt me alot. I don’t understand why women have to be like this.

    Oh well. It is only because I am religious that I can deal with this but it makes me sad sometimes. Especially as my family is quite broken up as well it makes me lonely.

    For the time being I at least have my husband and a few friends all over the world (yes i have moved around alot too) that I keep in touch with and a couple acquaintances locally but I wish I had a deep close friendship. I don’t know if it will ever happen but I won’t give up. I just want to be myself.

    I just like really down to earth people. I don’t want to be judged because I am not following what everyone else is doing.

    Oh well…..

    • Allison says:

      Hi Cynthia! Its as if I wrote your comment as I am the same age as you, I too do not have that closeness as I would like with my mother, do not trust women and I befriend men alot more easily(and feel more comfortable around). I believe I have a hyper-sensitivity to my surroundings and people-I can sense tension alot and like to distance myself from those that make me feel that way and it so happens to be women I feel like that around! Also, I am always very paranoid around other women-my mother included-feeling as though I have to be perfect or if I wear a hidious outfit or put on a little weight, I will be talked about or I can sense people looking at me differently. As well, all these things are paired with my introversion.

      Alot of the times I feel down in the dumps because as my boyfriend has alot of friends since highschool that he stays in contact with, I feel like I have to measure up to that. When the weekends come, he always wants to do something with his friends and I often do not want to because the women who hang with his circle of friends gossip about everybody and after making attempts to talk with them, they almost just pretend like I am not there and carry on with their little clique. I feel so uncomfortable around these people that alot of the times I will tell my boyfriend I am not in the mood to go out, dont want to drink or I just want to stay home. But at the same time, when I am home by myself, all I do is think about how much of a loser I am who has no real friends-well, one true friend really and some friends that I wouldnt consider close, but I can call up from time to time. I have been betrayed by alot of female friends in the past that I dont trust any female-I wont let anyone in anymore.

      I am sick of living this way. I want to change and to get out there and make new friends and I think a great way to start would be chatting with you if you wanted to be friends with me :)

      Thanks,

      Allison

      • Cynthia says:

        Ha. you just need to be positive. It is okay to have these feelings but don’t take it out on others.

        Just be positive. I think eventually we will always find one or two people we like hanging out it.

        Ha. sure we can be friends but I don’t live in the US. I live in the Caribbean :) x.

    • Nancy says:

      Hi Cynthia,
      Wow! Everything you wrote I can relate to it is as if you wrote it for my behalf. I am 37 years old and am married as well I believe married women should be friends with other married women. That being said let’s be friends! :-) what city do you live in?

      Nancy :-)

      • Cynthia says:

        Yeah. I think as hard as you try. It is better for married women to be friends with other married women.

        I guess you are just both seeking different things. But is still think if it is a genuine friendship they can still be your friends although you are married. I just don’t know why some women think you don’t want to be their friend anymore.

        Ha we can be friends but I live in the CAribbean not in the US haha !!.

    • Star says:

      i’m quoting with this women is stating in her comment on friendship. she appears to like honest real down to earth people and that’s me. I’m keeping it real as I write. i’m reading her comment like who is this women? lol she sounds and thinks like me. I could have written her comment. I really like her spirit even though we never met. i’m able to read others vibrations through words, in person vibes etc. I like her style & i’m her personality precisely on the money. I wish there were more women in my neighborhood or town like her. it’s crazy how I feel alone like her. i’m outgoing but I can be introverted when I need some me time. which is normal for people to do. I try to be sensible with women of all ages. but I’ve found in my experience that some women no matter age are very immature or ignorant by nature. doing what society is doing is a form of ignorance. being yourself helps enlighten yourself & destiny. why would you want to go or be what everyone else is? that’s not normal lol i’m sorry that’s sad & disturbed. it’s like one doesn’t have an identity. it looks like a energy vampire leeching on people. it’s like hey just be you and relax it’s normal to be quiet or whatever. hell I love my peace & quiet and i’m a musician and dancer. I wish I can get to know this women i’m commenting about. hopefully if she isn’t shy she can give me a shout of hello. and maybe we can be pen pals online lol just keep doing you sweet heart. you’re unique one of a kind. god bless with a smile :)

    • Wendee says:

      I think a lot of women are more comfortable making friends with guys than with other girls. I work with mostly men and I do notice that they act differently than women when it comes to social settings. Men can easily socialize and “hang out” with other men easily. But women don’t. We are so much more “clickish” and judgmental of each other. I would be far more nervous trying to socialize in a room full of women I don’t know versus a room full of men.

      • kellen says:

        Wendee, just remember that every other woman in that room is as nervous as you are, and for the same reason.(g)

        We’re taught to see other women as rivals. That doesn’t mean they are. Ime the only women who put other women down are so insecure that it’s the only way they can make themselves feel better about themselves, and what that is is sad. But it does mean that women expect judgment and condemnation from each other, and quite often friendship starts when one of them decides to risk being who they are, because that gives the woman they’re with permission to be herself as well.

    • kellen says:

      I think you might have a point when you wonder if you’re over-sensitive: e.g. I’ve said “I don’t like quiet” myself, and until I read your post, it never occurred to me that the person I was speaking to would read any more into it than that I’d rather hear music play than silence.

      If one misstep is enough to turn you away from someone, you’re likely to find very few people that you’ll be able to consider a potential friend, because we all make mistakes, we all say the wrong thing occasionally, we all have our personality flaws. Part of friendship is learning to see someone as more than the sum of their mistakes, just as they learn to see you as more than the sum of yours.

      I hesitate to say this, but if you pre-judge other women as jealous cats, it may be more apparent in your behaviour than you realize, and no one likes to discover someone’s judged them and found them wanting without even troubling to find out who they are.

      • Cynthia says:

        For your information I have actually come across women that have said they hate “quite people” so it is not just about music.

        I do recognise that no one is perfect. I myself am not perfect. But if you tell me to my face that you dislike that I am a quiet person how can I be friends with you. I do not always like people that don’t stop talking but I would never tell them that to their face. I would still be friendly with them.

        I have however found that some people that are outgoing can be very rude to people that are quiet by openly telling them that they don’t like that they are quiet and that they should change. How is it I am capable of tolerating a talkative person without asking them face to face to change but yet you think I should change to suit you. This is what I am talking about. The intolerance and meanness openly.

        I accept everyone even people that insult me but it is very difficult to be around someone that repeatedly insults you because you are different to them.

        I do not judge all women as jealous cats. I said most women I have met openly speak of being jealous of others. I am not jealous of anyone and I said that in my comment. You didn’t read my message properly. I was speaking based on facts that I experienced in my every day life , not assumptions.

  31. April says:

    I agree with Kathryn who posted on here. I am an introverted person, have always been quiet since I was five years old….but I have always made friends with guys. Even at the age of five my best friend was a boy. Later on in life, I realized that I wanted to make strong friendships with women and, for whatever reason, I have always felt a struggle. For the most part, I am heavily into music and have always found that I could bond with guys over that type of thing. Living where I am and the age that I am, it’s now difficult more than ever because women my age are married, have kids, etc. and have other priorities and interests that don’t exactly click with mine. I’m not on Facebook or Google Plus because I have unfortunately found social network sites to be a breeding ground for unnecessary drama….and even when I WAS on Facebook, I would try and post about upcoming art events or concerts or even movies that sparked my interest to see if anyone else would care to view or discuss – and it was like I was basically just posting things for myself on there. I’m somewhat introverted and find it difficult to just go up to complete strangers and introduce myself. I know that I have to get out of my “comfortable zone” and throw myself out there but I just don’t even know where to begin.

  32. Buster S says:

    Dear Ladies,
    I think if you look through a half glass of water, you might say
    ok? But if You visualize nothing but a reflection staring back at
    You then you will see your answer? The glass may be half full
    of water but You seeing Yourself is the best part Your BEAUTY
    it’s hard to have people generalize You if NOT accept You for
    who You are? Believe me I know when I see someone who’s an
    introvert or extrovert what difference does it make? We are only
    human and an Option “Made to Order” for here or to go? So add
    just enough sunshine to YOURSELFS are you will always bloom

  33. Sara says:

    Hi everyone. (I’m a different ‘Sara’ than the one who posted earlier in this thread, btw). Anyway, I have had a constant problem of being able to make friends, from the time I started school until now (I’m 37). At first, it was because I was shy. Eventually, I grew out of my shyness and many people in my life were surprised to find I do, in fact, have a sense of humor. Since then, I have had no real problem talking to people, say, at my job, which deals a lot with the public. I have had people tell me I am friendly, so I feel good about that.

    The issue is that I still don’t know how to make friends. I will occasionally invite people for coffee, and they never follow through. (I worry about appearing too needy, so I don’t push it by constantly messaging them or trying to set a time. I used to be blatantly needy in the past and it freaked people out, but I realize that now and have stopped that behavior).

    Anyway, the last friend I had dumped me unexpectedly; I can see in retrospect that she was a narcissist and I was her passive ‘audience’.

    Today, I’m still basically introverted (but friendly) and maybe what I really want is another introverted friend. I don’t really desire ‘buddies’–I’m not into the bar scene, or casual get-togethers: I want to discuss ideas, thoughts, goals, common interests, life in general. I’m a homebody, but when I do go out, I prefer one-on-one conversations in coffee shops, and that sort of thing. Maybe more people in my life are just looking for casual friendships, and since introverts are, well, introverted –they’re not ‘out there’, actively seeking out social situations.

    Otherwise, I can’t account for my constant failure at making –let alone maintaining–friendships. Even my one and only sibling (my sister) told me last year that she wants to stop exchanging holiday gifts (and not for lack of money on her part, I should add. It was more an issue of, “I never know what to get you, so let’s just stop.”). We used to be close as kids, but as adults, are vastly different people with different interests and value systems. In addition to the ‘no gifts’ thing, she doesn’t send cards, either (she used to; a couple of years ago, she made me a beautiful homemade card, which I have kept in my scrapbook).

    I don’t know what changed in 24 months’ time: I obviously no longer send her gifts, but I do still send her cards, because I figure it’s the least I can do, and she still thanks me for them. As for her social life, she hangs out with church friends on occasion, but never invites me to her house (we’re about 20 minutes away) and refuses to ever join me for a coffee or lunch somewhere (once recently when our cousins invited us to a Starbucks near their home over Christmas, my sister said, “This is /so/ not my scene; coffee shops are full of pretentious, intellectual snobs”. (!)

    I’m sad that this strange aversion to me has extended to my family, as well. My parents-in-law also have a weird vibe around me: They rarely look me in the eye when they talk to me, but constantly engage my husband (their son) with their undivided attention. My siblings-in-law are equally skittish around me, if not completely avoidant. Despite this, I do have no outright social anxiety around people; I enjoy one-on-one conversations and getting to know others. But yet, this invisible force field of ‘she’s weird; stay away’ seems to follow me to this day.

    • Dani says:

      Hi Sara,

      I just wanted to say that it sounds you are a very sensitive person who is deeply affected by others’ behavior — I can be that way, and certainly my daughter is, so I can relate. I have to tell you that I very much relate to feeling unembraced by inlays. My inlaws are from the NYC/New Jersey area and I grew up in the midwest — my husband and I met in college in the midwest. I have never truly felt welcomed by them and I believe it’s related to their arrogance about the region they come from and believing that I should feel lucky to have married into a NY family. Well, I don’t, and that probably shows. My point is that you simply can’t take the behavior of others personally, especially when they are self-absorbed and dismissive. I have been affected for years, and now I’m at the point where I rarely talk to my mother-in-law on the phone because her conversations are so one-sided and I question whether I really exist to her.
      Why put up with that anymore? Well, I don’t. Anyway, stay strong. The right person/people will come along. Join a book club, a church group, etc., and you will find people eager for deeper conversation. It can be hard, but it’s out there!

    • Kathryn says:

      Actually, from my point of view, I find in general women are more difficult to make friends with. When a woman says “I only have male friends” oftentimes it isn’t sexist, just that they haven’t found the right women to hang out with. Case in point, I have a cousin whom I rang recently and she usually never rings back but rang me whilst I was out. I said can you call back later and never heard from her again. Another friend I played in a band with but had to travel and was always kept waiting around for her, then she disappeared for 5 months. Another seemed to see just about everyone as being a narcissist and when I disagreed with her I was promptly dumped. Another so called friend stole my husband and never denied it when called.on it (still does not deny it to this day). My own mother has almost no interest in what I do unless it is to feed malicious inter-familial gossip. Having said that she doesn’t give a toss about family.
      Men can be screwed up too.in their own way, but what makes a lot of women sosuper super screwed up?? Because it doesn’t actually make me want to be friends with them. It’s like it’s all such a big effort for them and when you do actually make plans to do things and turn up they give you a look as though they’d rather you weren’t there (yes, “that” look – coupled with a bored sounding voice). I think, for heaven’s sake! I’ve got better things to do!

    • Jen says:

      My inlaws have largely been skittish and distant as well. My sister in law is very proud, competitive, materialstic, and hot tempered. I am cooperative, mild, spiritual, and artistic – we could not be more different. I drive her bananas. I also drive some of my other inlaws bananas just being who I am. I have cultivated a strong relationship with God – a love affair really, which is what I believe He wants from us as His children. No other person can really give us all we need. A great place to start is to develop more self love based on the love God gives us, a healthy relationship with Christ, and openness to connecting to others, knowing it can happen anytime. When we try to keep our hearts open, we are more likely to be genuine and once in awhile find a good friend. Life is full of so much randomness and chance, we have to be willing to try and try again. I focus a lot on my immediate family, nurturing them. I also continue to introduce myself and branch out to make new friends as well as maintain old ones. However, everyone is so busy and on different schedules, etc. that it does take a lot of thinking, planning, trying, and trying again to keep a social life going. For all the work I put into it, it seems like such small fruits come of it. There are days when I’d love to quit trying! But I know I have to put the effort in to stay connected. However, if jealousy and rivalry start rearing their ugly heads, I have to go. I hate to say it, but I have had to leave a few groups in my lifetime b/c the bitchiness was overwhelming. We had to choose loneliness at times and them pray and offer our social lives over to God. We asked God to help us and guide us to some good friends. We have made some and I stay far away from the abusive, narcissistic, user, jealous whatever drama stuff. Even so, we’re going to get hurt, left, or rejected sometimes. So I try to pick my heart up off the floor and keep going.

  34. Nicole says:

    Hi there everyone. I have read the stories on here and I have to say I am floored. The similarities are astounding between what I went through growing up. I too moved around a lot as a kid. My parents divorced early (when I was 5) and my dad raised me so we moved a lot due to a single parent income. He could not afford a house so we mostly lived in apartments. He was very strict and would not allow me to have any friends because I had to take care of my brother who was 3 years younger. I would make one or two friends and before we became more than acquaintances we were moving again due to rent rising or my dad disagreeing with the landlord.

    I am now 33 years old and have lived in many different states due to a broken home and a bad relationship with my family. I have a difficult time finding friends that don’t want to just use me because I am empathetic and want to help everyone around me, I tend to attract people with psychological disorders. They always end up screwing me over somehow or betraying my friendship and I am starting to wonder if it is something wrong with me.

    I had 3 best friends of 7 years one of them, the closest one, died last year of an overdose. I am still devastated over that, she was not only my friend but the only family I had. We called each other sisters and told each other I love you before we hung up. I still cry a lot and I feel it has made me afraid to let others in. My other friend talked behind my back and ruined the friendship I had with the third friend and then completely stopped talking to me as well. I have lived in a new state for 3 years now and have only made a few acquaintances, mostly with flaky people that never seem to want to follow through with plans.

    Sorry it is so long, I too have been very lonely for a true friend, someone I can talk to. I have a fiance who is very kind and supportive but he can’t provide the kind of relationship I lost with my best friend.

    • Lyn says:

      Nicole, I feel like everyone is finding similarities in not having friends because of some things, a trend I am noticing. I am noticing that a lot of girls who have been writing, come from bad home life’s, or divorced parents, use to be able to make friends easily and now have trouble, have chosen a boyfriend over friends and some of the guys are abusive, also a lot are depressed, lonely, have anxiety or find themselves introverted. I come from a divorced family, not having a father growing up, I found I made friends just fine actually all the way up until a few years after I graduated High School. I did choose a boyfriend, a lot of my friends moved away to go to College and I got pregnant at 22. I am now 24 and have no true friends. I have one friend who lives 4 hours away we keep in touch over the phone which is nice time to time. I had one very close friend who was like a sister but lost her to a bad drug addiction and she is not the type of girl who you would think that about. I can honestly say I’ve never had a friend like her, we would share clothes, talk about our painful home life’s together, share things and keep them between just us, she was the kind of friend who would have a facial and movie night with me at my house and we would laugh for hours. We were inseparable, we met at the age of 6 and stayed close until the age of 21. I don’t know how she is or if she’s even dead, drugs overtook her life so badly. I moved away from the area we grew up in. After I moved to a big city I found it hard to meet other girls. They were all partying college girls. With not common interest. I can say this I think it is hard to find a true friend, and I think you both have to have a “soul” connection. I am not sounding weird or trying to be weird but it’s just like you want in a guy, a boyfriend or husband you can find that connection in a friend. Someone when you just meet them you CLICK* it’s just friends that’s how me and my friend were and I’ve never found that in anyone else but yet I havnt really tried looking. I am so busy with my son that I hardly have time for anything else. I do think it’s bad to isolate yourself though. ALL women need a friend. Every women on here sounds like she does have something to contribute to a friendship sometimes we want someone to pursue us first but sometimes we need to pursue them instead. Sometimes a little courage is all it takes because they may be like anyone else on here we often times don’t think about what other may be going through either. I hope that anyone who is depressed can seek out help for it, maybe even medication. I had to take medication for mine for awhile and it got me out of a rut. I find that being positive is the way to go. You are all good enough and don’t you ever forget it!!!! Picking abusibe men is a good place to start turning our lives around. I hope that you all know you don’t have to be with guys like that. You deserve the best treatment and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise please. It is so important that we start believing in ourselves and installing the qualities that maybe our parents didn’t do for us as children but it is never to late to learn, grow and take action. I wish you all the best!!! Xoxo

  35. Mourningfriend says:

    I’ve been really depressed lately because my BFF for over 20 years never initiates seeing me. We’ve seen each other once this year and that was by my doing. Recently she listed on FaceBook numerous friends of hers that she has spent time with. The last couple of times I’ve tried to set something up with her, she agrees on a day and then I don’t hear from her. I don’t get it. I’ve got to say, I’m feeling pretty jealous of her other friends. She didn’t have all of them in her life until she lost a lot of weight and started teaching Zumba. I’ve been there all along. She used to call me her BFF, but she hasn’t called me that for a year now. Seems like now she’s dropped me for friends that do Zumba with her. I don’t understand why. I’m really heartbroken and feeling pretty lonely.

    This isn’t the first time this has happened to me either. I’m always the one to initiate any get togethers with other friends. I’m longing for one or two true friends that invite me over, text or call on a regular basis.

    • Bella says:

      I am so sorry for your situation. It looks like the dynamics of your friendship with your BFF has changed.The best advice is to get out there and join some groups and make new friends. It’s hard because loosing a BFF is painful and the sense of lost is similar to a death. In a way, it’s the death of a close friendship. I’m not sure why this happens but sometimes people change and their interests and outlook changes so they leave behind all the parts of themselves that remind them of who they used to be. She’s moved on and you have to do the same. I wish you well in your journey.

      • MournIngfriend says:

        Bella,
        Thank you for your words of advice! Everything you said really made me think. I’ve been losing sleep over this loss, but just need to move on like you said. I think you’re right that I need to join some groups to make new friends. I tend to spend all of my attention and energy on my husband and kids (I’m a stay-at-home Mom) and rarely do anything for myself. It doesn’t help that I’m an introvert either. Although I’m not shy, so will talk to others and eventually open up to them.
        Thanks, again!!

  36. tabitha says:

    I’ve moved around a lot in my adult years and it does affect your ability to maintain friendships. I’ve met some wonderful women over the years, but since I’ve moved yet again, they are too far to see very often. I’m not a “phone” person at all, hate talking on the phone so really, if you’re not on Facebook it’s hard to stay in touch. I think the Meetup.com groups are very helpful in finding local people with mutal interests. I am not the most outgoing person, but not terribly shy either. Once I’ve met someone a few times, I can usually have a nice conversation with them. I can’t say I have any really really close friends at this point, but working towards it. I did meet one woman friend via Craigslist. It seems like a long shot, but we’ve been friends now two years and she’s a really fun person.

    • Sara says:

      I understand where you are coming from. I don’t feel the need to make new friends, but grieve for the ones I’ve left behind. I feel like they all have a part of me.
      I can’t understand why my old friendships have ended. I just can’t bring myself to invest in new ones. I just feel like I am feeling sorrow for so many things: loss of youth (I am now 47), never having had real love from a man, lack of friendships and such. No one can match the excitement and shared experiences of old friends. I just can’t figure out some parts of life anymore.

      • Connie Wilson says:

        Hello Sara…
        I am 62 years old and I could have written what you wrote. My life mirrors it to a T. I wished I had some answers for you.. all I can do is empathize with you.

      • kellen says:

        Sara, I think you need to grieve the loss of your friendships and then let your grief ease as you would the grief at any other loss. At 47, you’ve still got a lot of time left, and you can spend it wishing for what’s no longer there or you can let yourself move on.

        It’s hard to do: nostalgia tends to wear rose-coloured glasses. But you’ll never be able to see potential new friends if you spend all your time regretting the ones with whom, for whatever reason, you’re no longer in touch. Friendships end as they begin: for a variety of causes, not all of them within our control – changes in circumstances, personal growth in differing directions, distance, time, being at different places in our lives at different times.

        Romantic love – that’s a hard one, because some of us simply don’t find it. The question then becomes “Do you wait for the love you want and deserve, even if it never comes, or do you settle for less simply to have someone around?” Ime, if you’re not willing to use someone, all you can do is spend your time becoming the person you’d want to be when your other half arrives – and a major part of that is taking your life in both your hands and enjoying it. If your love doesn’t arrive, you’ll have developed everything in you that you could and enjoyed your life, and if he (or she) does, you’ll be the person you want them to find you.
        I know it’s far from the usual ‘become part of a couple at all costs; there’s nothing worse than being alone’. There’s plenty worse than being alone: knowing that you don’t love your partner the way you could love someone, knowing that you’re using someone who cares about you but that you don’t care about the way you ought to if you’re going to be with them. Being alone just means finding things to do; using someone means never being able to respect yourself. Just comes down to what you value — and that’s a call no one can make for us but ourselves.
        Seriously: enjoy. Starting today. 47 is still kindergarten.(g)

      • kellen says:

        Sara, I think you need to grieve the loss of your friendships and then let your grief ease as you would the grief at any other loss. At 47, you’ve still got a lot of time left, and you can spend it wishing for what’s no longer there or you can let yourself move on.

        It’s hard to do: nostalgia tends to wear rose-coloured glasses. But you’ll never be able to see potential new friends if you spend all your time regretting the ones with whom, for whatever reason, you’re no longer in touch. Friendships end as they begin: for a variety of causes, not all of them within our control – changes in circumstances, personal growth in differing directions, distance, time, being at different places in our lives at different times.

        Romantic love – that’s a hard one, because some of us simply don’t find it. The question then becomes “Do you wait for the love you want and deserve, even if it never comes, or do you settle for less simply to have someone around?” Ime, if you’re not willing to use someone, all you can do is spend your time becoming the person you’d want to be when your other half arrives – and a major part of that is taking your life in both your hands and enjoying it. If your love doesn’t arrive, you’ll have developed everything in you that you could and enjoyed your life, and if he (or she) does, you’ll be the person you want them to find you.
        I know it’s far from the usual ‘become part of a couple at all costs; there’s nothing worse than being alone’. There’s plenty worse than being alone: knowing that you don’t love your partner the way you could love someone, knowing that you’re using someone who cares about you but that you don’t care about the way you ought to if you’re going to be with them. Being alone just means finding things to do; using someone means never being able to respect yourself. Just comes down to what you value — and that’s a call no one can make for us but ourselves.
        Seriously: enjoy. Starting today. 47 is still kindergarten.(g)
        And if it needs to be said, no offence intended. I’m just speaking from my own experience.

  37. carol says:

    Nice to actually see that I am not alone in my struggle to find good friends with common interests. It would be nice if this website had at least what state you live in. It is fine to read that other people struggle finding friends, but how does this help to actually connect with anyone? Does anyone on here live in the Twin Cities metro area in MN? I am not one to divulge my personal info on a blog, so if there are any women looking for new friendships please reply.

  38. Debra says:

    Here’s my story. I was an extremely shy child and didn’t approach other children as I had no idea how to. They approached me and I accepted even though some of those kids were nasty to me. I’ve been the same way most of my life even though I’ve become much more outgoing over the years. Because of shyness, a mother who doubted herself and worried about how others saw her (a mindset I picked up)along with siblings who were much older (12 & 15 years)and who were critical and negative towards me, I had very low self esteem. I had friends who put me down, a husband who hit me and various boyfriends who weren’t good enough for me. At 56 y.o., I only have six friends, am single and live by myself. Over the years I let the negative, critical friendships go. I choose not to have friends who can’t be nice to me. Two friends I met by placing an advertisement in the local paper. We’ve been friends for about 7 years now and they’re lovely people. My best friend’s my last boyfriend. He had cancer several years ago and I dread that something will happen to him for I’d be completely lost without him. Making friends at this age is really difficult. Facebook makes me feel lonely at times when I see all my friends (who are really old workmates I never see face to face) doing things with their real friends. At my last job (of 7 years) I didn’t work with anyone in my department that I really wanted to be friends with. The neighbours around me keep to themselves – which is good because it’s quiet. Trying to make friends with people in relationships is basically impossible. And I can’t be bothered going out and making the first approach and all the small talk. So, what do you do?

    • Debra says:

      I forgot to add that I no longer have a relationship with my sister because she’s just plain nasty and my brother died two years ago. I don’t have a relationship with any relatives as I was never close to them growing up and my sister’s adult sons don’t bother to contact me and vice versa. Even though I have six friends, I really only see three on a regular basis as the others have busy lives and my best friend lives 100 kilometres/62 miles away. I’m not complaining, just adding my story to all of yours. I’m lucky to have friends but I would like a couple more close friends. If the local paper still ran the Friends column, I would advertise again but they don’t.

      • sagar basnet says:

        dear debra,
        I heard your story and felt sad .
        I am a 17 years old boy ,may be not having all those experience of yours. But I never felt difficulties in making friends. As you said you have facebook friends, I also have many. when I chat with them I don’t feel lonely, moreover I enjoy chatting with them. To feel good while chatting u should start with interesting topic.
        I say “friend” word is a synonymous to the word “fun”. If you are friends you are to support one another in need indeed.
        People generally feel shy when they think the way they present themselves to other is not well conducted. But in fact no one knows who thinks what so it is very important to have self confidence.

        I hope this words of 17 years boy will be helpful to you.
        warm regards

      • tanja says:

        Hi Debra, I wanted to share a saying I heard: I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies, referring to friendships.

        I think having 6 friends is pretty darn good. I am 35, married with two small children. I feel very lonely at times, I don’t have any real friends. I know two girls still from high school and we get together once a year in July, but I don’t really talk to them on a personal level. I have two friends that live in my area but we are only friends because of our kids, we hardly get together just for us and they don’t know each other. I have a twin, which I am off again on again close to but not really. We are also close but mainly for our kids. They are all two years apart of one another, so everything is just about the kids it seems.

        6 Friends is pretty good.

    • andrea says:

      I feel the same way.
      It is extremely difficult for me to make friends, I barely have any. Usually it is me who looks for people to do stuff but if I do not pic up the phone no one will even remember that I exist.
      My birthday was last week. Not a single person remembered it was my birthday, except my husband and my children.
      Facebook makes me feel lonelier than ever and the iphone does too. Never a message, never a call and I see people around me with tons of messages and constantly on the phone.
      SADNESS GALORE

      • Debra says:

        Happy Birthday for last week, Andrea. I hope all the wishes you made will come true for you.

        Facebook can make me feel lonelier too when I photos shared of friends with all their friends and/or families having wonderful times together.

        I deliberately change my way of thinking when I start feeling ‘down’ about things to being grateful about what I do have and concentrating on Now. I know from experience that once I start caring less about those things that concern me, Life has a way of sending me wonderful things.

      • Honey143 says:

        I have the exact same problem. Only when I finally speak up and let those people know how they have been treating me, rather than admit that they haven’t put in any effort in a long while, they get defensive, ignore me completely or try to make it seem like I shouldn’t feel that way. If I don’t coordinate something with others or approach them first, I wont hear from them until I do. They also don’t hesitate to contact me if something in thier life isn’t right. I always listened with compassion, however, the moment I try to add that things haven’t been ok with me either, they act uninterested and continue on with thier story. I feel so unappreciated and worthless. I also never had a supportive family I could turn to and talk about this if I needed. I have a hubby but he is always working and the type of person who doesn’t know how to react to another person who is hurting and needs some words of encouragement. In fact,he’s too cowardly to speak up for me or have my back when mutual friends have made me feel this way. I’ve tried making new friends just about everywhere I go but they might only meet up with me once to do something only if I plan it and even if I know they had a good time, I wont hear back from them again unless I initiate the dialog. I’ve always been a kind, reliable loyal and non judgmental friend so I never understood why.

        • rella says:

          This is my story!! I have to add I really am not only a great friend but super fun and loyal!! I don’t mean to sound like I am bragging about myself but someone has to mention my good qualities. Anyway, it is so weird as I have gathering everyone seems to be have so much fun and not only come back but ask for my next party dates. However, if I do not have anything to offer anyone such as parties, it’s like crickets! that is so crappy and not only hurts my feelings but makes me more angry as I share my story. Honestly, I am clean, professional, somewhat attractive and fun. Sometimes I wonder if people are embarrassed of me or what?? but I could not seriously imagine why? I think we have to remember we are dealing with others who may have other issues us loyal, goodhearted, friendly and outgoing people do not get at all and take personally. Maybe it is not personal, but that is hard to believe since it tends to come from every direction:(

      • Andrea says:

        Hi Andrea,
        I was reading your comment and it was like I was reading about me, and I am Andrea aswell.

      • Fran says:

        Andrea, think about this: all those people you see on the phone — they are talking to their husband/wife, children (adult or younger), or extended family like sister/brother. AND — there are lots of people who have ‘friends’, who they don’t want to be friends with, simply so that they don’t want to be alone. There are people who go to church simply because they want to belong to a community. Few people these days are just loaded with real friends.

        • Dani says:

          I totally agree. I think we selectively remember the people we know with big friendship circles, when most people don’t have that. I have met several people over the years who busy themselves with family issues and don’t focus much on non-family relationships. I grew up without close extended family, so I’m not being pulled into big family events like so many I know in my community.

          I have avoided looking at certain friends’ pages on Facebook for the same reason — I don’t enjoy hearing about their fantastic social lives. But I am not the kind of person who brags or shares my social activities. It’s not my style.

          • Fran says:

            I wonder how much of their fantastic social lives is real.

            IF we’ve grown up in the same city/town, IF we have a large family, IF we have a large extended family, THEN we probably have fantastic social lives. But then — there are problems that go with living in a city/town where ‘everybody knows your name’.

            I live in NM (for now). Recently I met a woman (and her mother and her children — three generations), and they’ve been in the same small town for 5 generations! The children are going to the exact same school the great-grandmother did — one child is even in the same classroom this year! And these two women talked openly and honestly about the good AND the bad things about being in the same town ALL THEIR LIVES. Good thing: everyone is like family. Bad thing: Gossip that runs rampant.

            I also visited a town recently — and almost fell over. I met two women — both in their early 70s — and they have not only known each other since pre-kindergarten but one woman is married to the other woman’s brother! They three of them remember going to kindergarten together! OMG. :-)

            But I don’t want to live in a town/city of 10,000 or 20,000 or even 100,000. It’s too small for me — in so many ways. And yet — all these people seemed happy and secure — and I envied them. But not enough to move to a small town/city.

          • Lois says:

            Hey Dani, i certainly understand where you are coming from. This site and the stories of people and no friendship mirrors me in many ways. I actually deleted my FB page because i got tired of hearing the stories of others i know having so much fun with there new friends. it made me feel worst than i had already been feeling. Like you said in your post about not the kind of person who shares or brags about your social activities, thats not me either…i wouldnt share information on FB either because its not my style either. Im 49 and seems i cant find any friends. Its been this way since i was in elementary school. i was and still am an Introvert. i used to watch other kids run around laughing and playing have fun while i was alone wishing it was me. This went on in middle school as well even getting worse when i became the victim of bullying. i used to go home crying all the time. Then in high school no friends as well. I had a girl who pretend to be my friend just to get rides to the club. I knew she wasnt my real friend. Now im married with 1 daughter and still i have no friends. everytime i meet someone and talk to them, they will respond, but it never goes any further. i enjoy being with my husband, but sometimes you just want that 1 girlfriend who you can talk to who will understand girl things, lol. My mom died some yrs ago, seems like i lost everything dear to me. i feel so lonely and defeated sometimes, only GOD knows this pain. my one and only sister is a jerk, so i had to cut her off. the remaining of my sibling are males and they are totally lost, so thats most of my story, SORRY this was so lonnng, but i needed to get it out there. BTW: i live in GA so i would love hear from others who would like to communicate if my story intrigue you..

            • Jen says:

              Lois,

              I’m in my 40’s also, tho I am up in Indiana. I had to stop keeping in touch w/ my sister just a couple years ago. After 40 years of painful patience while she constantly found ways to put me down, compete for attention, etc. I always hoped it would go away, she’d grow out of it, but it was as bad as ever through our 20’s and 30’s. So I politely explained how these things hurt me very much and that I just couldn’t come around anymore. My brother is “lost” also. We were a military family growing up, so no lifelong childhood buddies either. I don’t know if I’m an introvert,extrovert, or shy b/c moving all the time I had to be outgoing to make friends. And I did. Then my heart broke every time I had to leave them. My mom used to tell me it would get better when I grew up, and that people behave better when they became adults. Well, I can tell you after meeting hundreds of people over the years as an adult through work, church, clubs, etc. that many, many adults do not behave any better than children. And aside from that, many adults are not trustworthy, committed to a friendship, or even bother to remember what’s going on in someone else’s life let alone what they themselves had for breakfast that day. I would love to have some close, kind, committed friends. I have a couple of those. However, it is hard to rely on anything in this world, other than God and ourselves. Anyway, nice chatting and I hope things work out for you.

              • Lois says:

                Hey Jen, thanks for replying to my story. Sorry to hear about you having to cut your sister off also. ..that was the last thing in the world i wanted to do, but she was extremely toxic to me nd my daughter. I informed her twice about the hurt and pain that was emotionally draining me, but because of her Tunnel Vision and Ignorance i knew she wouldn’t change. The older most ppl get, the less likely they’ll change, so i had to cut her loose. You are so right about the only person that you can truly lean on is God, his love is unconditional, unlike most humans. Most ppl will only deal with you if they feel you can give them something tangible in return…they do not want a good friend who will be there to comfort them in bad times, or be there when they are sick or a listening ear when they need to sound off, NO, they want everything and anything monetary or else they have no use for you. Well, Jen im so glad that you have a few good friends, enjoy them because they are rare especially the older we get. I unfortunately do not have even 1 acquaintance, let alone a friend, lol. ..well, what can ya do, just keep living and learning. ..Take care girly: )

  39. Linda says:

    I found this site while searching for answers on friendship and I am glad I did. I don’t feel quite so odd after reading some posts and the article.
    I grew up with a widowed mother, she had moved to USA on her own so family wasn’t around.
    In school I had few friends this was just the way it was. As I grew up the friendship issue stayed the same pretty much. I went down the wrong path trying to impress the wrong people.
    Later I married and we had a good life, raised our kids but he did not have many friends. Now he has passed away and I am alone. The kids are grown and off living their lives and have built good friendships so at least we didn’t screw them up too.
    I have volunteered, taken classes, joined in on work get togethers and even meet a former group of co-workers monthly but that is it.
    Nothing has really stuck, I don’t see anyone for months at a time when I am not working. People I thought were on the path of friendship from the classes or volunteering activities just disappear. Until now I was ok with that but since my husband is gone I feel lonely and now I just don’t what else to do. Sorry if I rambled on.

    • Lauren says:

      Hi Linda,

      I hope things will get better for you soon. I am sorry to hear that your husband passed away. You must miss him in so many ways.

      Think about joining or signing up for MeetUp.com. There is meet up for the movies, meetup for book clubs, and so on. This might help. also, continue to look into volunteering perhaps at a hospital, where ppl would love to have your company, or in senior citizens home. It’s tough, but you can do it. Who knows what’s around the next corner.

      Yes, I agree that moving a lot when you are young makes it more difficult to start and hold onto friendships. I had moved 9 times by the time I was 21 years old, including different countries. I also tend towards introversion, so that’s another factor. sometimes, I have to push myself to meet other ppl as friends. Also, I comfort myself in recognizing that not all friendships are wonderful. Sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side of the hill.

      All the best to you, Linda from Lauren.

      • Fran says:

        I have gone the Meetup route. Didn’t work for me. Altho’ I must admit I liked the coffee group(s) and the knitting group(s). Still — nothing stuck. I think part of the problem is that I’m so introverted and so ‘intellectual’. It’s hard to find people with whom I have a lot in common. Sigh. I’m 65, and I do not want to hear only about grandkids, health (or, rather, lack of it), and the latest cruise taken. I don’t know what it is, but older people seem to be SO boring. (Sorry. I know I must sound like a snob. Well, sigh, maybe I am one.)

        • tanja says:

          I never found meet up groups to work for me as well. I am 35, raising two small kids. I live in an area that is small and so all meet up groups was quite a fair drive and in the next bigger city over than mine. I only have a car two days a week as I share with my husband. We went to one meet up group years ago, when my son was 3 and not many people showed up. I still talk to one couple, but not often.

          My best bet was to just go to the park and see if I met anyone. I have two friendships in my small suburban city, that I have kept for two years, but mainly because of our kids. I met them at the park. I also have enrolled my son in a lot of activities in hopes that we could meet people but everything has been fleeting so far.

          When it comes time to get a job for me, I worry because I do not really have any contacts, as I am not a social person. The only people I talk to are my husband and sister. And my sister, it is a forced relationship, I would not be friends with her if we were not related.

          So, I am not quite sure about meet up routes myself. I would say volunteer somewhere. My mom met one of her best friends EVER when she went back to school at an older age. She took a psychology course at the university. She also met up with her high school boyfriend at the age of 57 and moved back to Germany to live with him. Now my mom is 65 and her partner is 70. It is weird how life works at times. Good luck.

        • Mary G says:

          Hi Fran .. I don’t really have advice per se — I just wanted to pipe in as I seem to have the same ” issue” as you … I like to pay attention to the world & politics & study orthomolecular nutrition ( I’m 50) & all the women my age talk about their vacations & house reno’s shopping trips etc…I raised 2 kids as a single mom & feel like I kinda messed up in that I devoted myself to their needs 100% & now i feel like a fish out of water …my situation & interests are so very different from the other women around me & they do seem kinda shallow & yes boring! I don’t think that is snobby …it just recognizes different interests?

        • Betty says:

          Oh boy Fran. I hear you loud and clear. It’s tough being lonely, but for me it’s worse being around people who bore me to death. I have come to realize that friendship for me is rare and I am delighted when I meet someone who I feel a connection with. I don’t think that’s being elitist, rather, it’s just reality.

        • Sharon says:

          Fran I totally agree …… tried the meet up route and didn’t feel comfortable with total strangers. I felt NO connection ….. I’m 65 also and people only want to complain OR talk about their grand children ……. totally boring! Would be nice to find someone to connect with ….. I live in Maryland!

        • Angela says:

          I don’t think it I fair to generalize older people. Maybe the older people you have met are boring to you, but I have met a lot of older, interesting, educated and intelligent people whose company I have enjoyed. If you are not interested in hearing about other people’s lives maybe you should stick to your hobbies or whatever makes you happy. I would not say that you are a snob but maybe you are a very selfish person who are in love with yourself.

  40. Stacey says:

    I think this answer is different for each individual. For me I noticed that my life is not balanced. I don’t feel my time goes equally to all the areas that I care to exist. I put more effort into my partner than myself it seems. There is no way I will feel the drive to make something happen with a friend on a regular basis if I feel so attached to my other relationships. I do desperately want a closer friend circle, but when I try this it has never worked in the past because I have never handled the balance aspect well…or so I am made to feel by my partner. I am not sure what to do except for last night I decided not to wait around any longer to take action. I am going to be proactive with friends and my relationship, get off this blog and go do something about it :-)

    • Elizabeth says:

      Good for you! I feel the same way. Now I just have to figure out what to do. I am 41 and it’s hard to make friends at this age, especially as an introvert. Where do you live? We lonely people could meet up and make a group. I have been in a religious community for a long time and can’t get close the women as I am not as religious as they are. I prefer to think of myself as a good and kind person.

    • Fran says:

      We’ve ALL been trying to do something about it, Stacey. I greatly doubt that any of us get up in the morning, sit in front of the computer, read and re-read the posts on this blog and then go back to bed at night. The problem is: whatever we have been doing in the past is not working for a lot of us. And we don’t understand why. This blog isn’t a place to cry and whine — it’s a place to help each other. I know I feel better just knowing that I’m not the only one with this problem. That doesn’t mean I — and a lot of other posters — am not trying to do something positive about it.

  41. Jennifer says:

    Women don’t want any friends because they don’t know how to be friends with themselves. SOOOOOOOOO. The few of women who DO know how to be internally loving and kind are fed to society as “weak” “unhappy” or disadvantaged. And Men use women that are happy because they know who is in and who is out. So the majority of us suffer day in and day out psychologically so we can be put in a mental institution and get in debt and not have any emotional security to make the United States government happy and eliminate the majority of good people in todays’ world. The truth that no longer hurts me.

    • Paula says:

      I have to agree with you. I’ve had the same problem my entire life. Wish I had at least one close friend. It just feels like nobody wants to be my friend. I’m in my mid forties and I feel soooooo alone.

      • Bella says:

        Me too Paula. I have not enjoyed good friendships since college. It’s hard to connect with other woman and I don’t know why. Why are some women so cruel?

    • Lauren says:

      Hi Jennifer, Paula, Josie and Bella and others,

      Yes, I agree that it’s tough to make and keep friends. Personally, I had moved about nine times by the time I was 21 years old, including other countries; and other factors from my childhood were part of it.

      Yes, Jennifer, I agree about what you said about kind women being viewed as week…this of course is not true, but unfortunately, it’s a fairly common perception, albeit, a really distorted perception.

      Many of the world’s heroes and heroines have been kind AND brave. In fact, often acts of bravery are based on kindness and compassion for others.

      Because of my childhood, I decided (even as a child) that I would be the opposite; I would be kind and compassionate and caring to others. Then much to my shock, a long-time female friend (almost a bestie)told me contemptuously that I was weak!!!! I had shown her, and many others, so much kindness, and consideration, and here she was judging me and raising her voice to me and telling me (in front of others) that “You’re WEAK!!!” That was the last of a long string of mean, negative things that she had done to me. She is no longer a friend at all, and will never be again.

      I realized a little later that I had actually subconsciously been repeating patterns from my childhood, and picking the wrong friends.It’s complicated, but I was trying to reach a happy ending, so to speak, by picking difficult people as friends who subconsciously reminded me of those who raised me and made my childhood a misery. Anyway, this therapy helped me, but there will always be mean-spirited people there who actually take a delight in hurting others, and in so doing, “prove” to themselves that they are “tough/admirable” in their distorted view.

      Now I don’t open up to ppl so much, and I look at others with a more realistic eye. I also enjoy my own company, and my supportive husband, and my precious daughter. I enjoy art, reading and all of my interests, and if a friendly and decent person comes into my life as a friend, then great, but I am more aware of mean-spirited nature in others, and I don’t tolerate it for one minute now.

      Yes, it’s very true that some ppl view kindness as weakness, but I bet if they were drowning, they would appreciate kindness alright if someone rescued them from the sea. Then they wouldn’t be saying that kindness is equal to weakness! (Or maybe not, who knows with them!)

      Now I think the main thing is to be discerning about the company you keep, have certain standards that you don’t lower. Recognize any form of abusive treatment from your friends, call them out on it and end the “friendship” if necessary.

      Bottom line, I think now is to enjoy your own company, enjoy your own interests, enjoy your family , if you have a good family; and don’t be taken in by the popular media with movies and TV sit-coms showing everybody being surrounded by great friends who are always at the coffee shop or each others houses. After high school and college, life is not always like that.

      Also, it is thought that up to 50% of the general population are introverts, to some degree or other. So many ppl are content with their own company much of the time, or with amenable, friendly family members.

      So enjoy your own company, and when you go out and about , chat to people in stores, in restaurants, libraries, etc, and be a happy- go-lucky as you can be. But always be aware of those mean-spirited ppl, and remember , you can’t change them…only they can change themselves (preferably with therapy, over a long period of time, and then only if they really want to, and if they are committed to change.

      All the best to all of you. Lauren

      • Bella says:

        Thank you Lauren. I grew up in a similar situation. I was the family scapegoat, hated and dispised by all members and extended members. I chose friends who were abusive because that was all I knew. I attracted those types because of low self esteem. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’ve moved on. Thanks for sharing. It helps!

  42. Josie says:

    Hi all, I feel stupid for posting this, but I guess I need to get it off my chest. I haven’t had a good friendship since I was 10. I am now 30. I wasn’t allowed to have friends as a child (that’s a whole different story), and as an adult I have moved a lot. Beyond that, I am rather introverted (probably because I wasn’t able to make connections with people as a child). Once I meet someone I warm up pretty fast, but I seem to find it impossible to meet anyone. It doesn’t help that I am self-employed, and I am very new to the town I live in. I am a good friend; I am loyal, not a user, have my life together pretty well, and I genuinely care about people. I just don’t know what the problem is. I am beginning to wonder if I am just that unlikeable. Anyway, I know this is stupid, but as I said I just need to get it off my chest.

    • Cheri says:

      No, it’s not stupid. I have had a similar situation most of my life. I moved several times as a child, just across town but when you are a child it may as well be across the globe!
      One of the things that I have noticed as I’ve gotten older, I’m 48, is that women don’t make friends as easy as men do. Women are catty and can be jealous. Men, for the most part, take each other as pretty much as equals. They can be an attorney or a ditch digger, handsome or plain and paunchy, men don’t care.
      I consider myself a very nice person and I warm up to people very quickly but I have only had about three close friends my entire life. None of which are close to me now.
      I am very confused about how other women seem to have close friends. Even at work, the other women get together after hours and never even ask me. I don’t believe that I’m “different” or “odd”, in fact I believe that most people would consider me intelligent and quick witted.
      Well, that does feel better to get that off of my chest!!

      • Imagi says:

        Cheri,

        You sound just like me. I am pretty good with one on one friendships and had a reasonably good friend groups in college, but after that it has been a drought.
        And it is usually brought on by a woman who is very jealous and manages to create a rift between me and the rest of the team.

        Just like you, I know I am not “different” or “odd”; we are smarter than the average women which is why we attract their jealousies. It is a sad truth. The way I have learnt to cope with it, is to make small talk with people around. It may not lead to lasting relationships, but you will at least have another woman to talk to.

        All I want to say to all the woman here, is as long as you are making genuine efforts at friendship, and have something positive to offer, you are good. Don’t let the world tell you wrong things about yourself. Look for friends ,not a shoulder to cry on — you need people to share a good time and have fun, initially at least until a strong bond is made. No body likes a cling on.

        Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. Don’t stop trying.. Who knows your best friend my not be born yet, or is in kindergarten or high school.. get the drift :-)

      • Karen says:

        I agree with you Cheri, I am 44 and the few close friends I have ever had have been predominately male. I have always wondered what was wrong with me, do I embarrass women with my behaviour/personality when I am around them, am I a fashion dag, am I too loud, not feminine enough, oh the list goes on. I also consider myself as a good person, and do anything for my friends, but really when I sit back and think, they are just acquaintances. I am not invited to their house, or on outings, the one close friend only comes to my place, as though to be seen with me in public would a humiliation to them. I am a loner, I have accepted that I guess, and am about to end the one close friendship I have because I feel like I am being used..a friend of convenience when this person has no one else around. We need to be strong, keep our self esteem, it is a judgmental, cruel world. Women can be the worst back stabbers in the world,who needs that anyway!

        • Elizabeth says:

          I live in Washington State. You may be reading into your friends behavior with your own negative thinking, “as though to be seen with me in public would be a humiliation to them.” You are worth knowing and worth having as a friend. Just remember that. You don’t need friends to make you feel valuable. You need to love yourself. I have had that problem most of my life. Now, I love my personality and even my imperfect body, because it is who I am.

        • Jen says:

          Lois,

          I’m in my 40’s also, tho I am up in Indiana. I had to stop keeping in touch w/ my sister just a couple years ago. After 40 years of painful patience while she constantly found ways to put me down, compete for attention, etc. I always hoped it would go away, she’d grow out of it, but it was as bad as ever through our 20’s and 30’s. So I politely explained how these things hurt me very much and that I just couldn’t come around anymore. My brother is “lost” also. We were a military family growing up, so no lifelong childhood buddies either. I don’t know if I’m an introvert,extrovert, or shy b/c moving all the time I had to be outgoing to make friends. And I did. Then my heart broke every time I had to leave them. My mom used to tell me it would get better when I grew up, and that people behave better when they became adults. Well, I can tell you after meeting hundreds of people over the years as an adult through work, church, clubs, etc. that many, many adults do not behave any better than children. And aside from that, many adults are not trustworthy, committed to a friendship, or even bother to remember what’s going on in someone else’s life let alone what they themselves had for breakfast that day. I would love to have some close, kind, committed friends. I have a couple of those. However, it is hard to rely on anything in this world, other than God and ourselves. Anyway, nice chatting and I hope things work out for you.

        • Jen says:

          If I had a nickle for every time I was a friend of convenience, temporarily someone’s crutch! I have learned to differentiate that from true friendship. Now I can be intentional about choosing to be a shoulder to cry on for awhile or not and for how long I am willing to do that – because that is really ministry work, not give-and-take friendship. I also look for healthy given-and-take relationships, which are certainly harder to find and maintain. So many people seem to be looking for comfort, crutches, escapes, a building up of their esteem, but are not interested or capable of good friendship. We need to be our own best friends first and reach out as we are able.

        • Jen says:

          Karen,
          If I had a nickle for every time I was a friend of convenience, temporarily someone’s crutch! I have learned to differentiate that from true friendship. Now I can be intentional about choosing to be a shoulder to cry on for awhile or not and for how long I am willing to do that – because that is really ministry work, not give-and-take friendship. I also look for healthy given-and-take relationships, which are certainly harder to find and maintain. So many people seem to be looking for comfort, crutches, escapes, a building up of their esteem, but are not interested or capable of good friendship. We need to be our own best friends first and reach out as we are able.

        • Jen says:

          Karen,
          If I had a nickle for every time I was a friend of convenience, or temporarily someone’s crutch! I have learned to differentiate that from true friendship. Now I can be intentional about choosing to be a shoulder to cry on for awhile or not and for how long I am willing to do that – because that is really ministry work, not give-and-take friendship. I also look for healthy given-and-take relationships, which are certainly harder to find and maintain. So many people seem to be looking for comfort, crutches, escapes, a building up of their esteem, but are not interested or capable of good friendship. We need to be our own best friends first and reach out as we are able.

          • Jen says:

            I am so sorry for the duplicates! My computer kept timing out, not submitting so I’d resubmit, then it would say it was a duplicate, etc. etc. Anyway, looks like all my attempts finally made it in at once and I don’t see a way to delete the extras. Sorry – Jen

    • Suzel says:

      Josie, I hope things are better for you now. If not, you can always email me! We can be email pals! =) I’m okay with that really!

  43. Sheila says:

    Angie. I have had a real hard time making friends as a child and adult. It seems so hard to find a good friend that I sometimes give up. I am not in favor of social events. I love to read, hike, travel, exercise; but, there is no one around me that is into what I like. I keep trying. Hang in there.

    • Suzel says:

      Sheila, have you tried meetup.com? That’s a really good website for things that you enjoy and also you may be able to find common interest at the people in groups that you join there. I hope you will visit that website. I think it would help you. Worth it to have a look at.

  44. I moved around a fair bit during childhood, too. You put the roots down, make friends only to be uprooted and transplanted elsewhere.

    I think there were other issues besides moving around during childhood that caused me to come to grief when trying to make friends and one of these was my ‘nature.’ I was too docile and passive just accepting the people life sent drifting my way. When I was 35 I did a hard reset in life and ended up rewiring my mind to the point that my nature changed for the better. Here are some of the important things I discovered.

    * Reach out beyond the natural boundaries of your life to others. If the kind of friends you desire are in short supply at school, work or church look further a field. Go to new social groups or events and meet new people. When it comes to living on a higher strata of satisfying and rewarding friendships you’re not meant to wander through life wearing horse blinders and only traversing an incredibly narrow strip of life.

    * Consider what your interests and passions are and find people in those areas. Common ground determines to a certain degree how much time you spend with a friend and how often you meet up. It’s more important than I originally thought.

    * Some people just don’t realize that the scale of their friendship endeavor is just not enough to get the results they desire. I took my friendship efforts to a whole new level and by that I mean several notches.

    * For those who have difficulty finding decent friendships dwell on this beneficial question, “How am I responsible for my friendship situation?” I found it very enlightening and beneficial.

    * We are all stewards of the social slots in our lives. When friends prove unresponsive, chronically passive, apathetic or indifferent it’s time to seriously consider giving their social slot to someone else. Not doing so may inhibit good friends from entering our lives. Social slots are not meant to be filled with super glue. They are meant to be teflon coated.

    Andrew Burgon
    Project Fellowship

  45. Carol says:

    HI,
    I had friends growing up but as I got older; I seem to have less and less. I was also interested in arts, literature, fashion, writing, reading, etc. and I am an only child. I did ask someone a few years ago why never called me for social gatherings. They said that I was independent and they felt I didn’t need people around as much as they did. Plus they felt I had a hard time relating to groups of people and various conversations. My problem with that is the age group situation. I was hanging around people who wither either too old or too young for my age. I am in my 40’s. Also those who are married with kids. I am single and do not have children. I would suggest like myself, finding people with common interest in your own age group.

    • Grayson says:

      I really relate to your share, Carol, and so many shares in this thread. I’m in my late 40s, single, no children. I have many interests – arts, music, literature, photography, hiking, birding, and have struggled to meet friends I really connect with and enjoy. I’ve tried local singles groups to meet female and male friends and just found it difficult to “break in” to the group. It wasn’t for lack of trying. I started a singles group and made an effort to calendar activities that catered to men and women and the group didn’t ever get off the ground. I make an effort to be interested versus interesting, but then I seem to attract incessant talkers. I’ve met people who don’t hesitate to back out at the last minute. I end up going to many things alone. When I try new things I am extroverted in that I engage others. I am an introvert at heart. Too much social time with people exhausts me and I find I need alone time to regroup and recharge. I’m in a new state and town now and I am stepping up my efforts to meet friends. It’s not easy. It helps to read that I’m not alone in my struggle. Thanks for the topic.

  46. Carol says:

    HI,
    I had friends growing up but as I got older; I seem to have less and less. I was also interested in arts, literature, fashion, writing, reading, etc. and I am an only child. I did ask someone a few years ago why never called me for social gatherings. They said that I was independent and they felt I didn’t need people around as much as they did. Plus they felt I had a hard time relating to groups of people and various conversations. My problem with that is the age group situation. I was hanging around people who wither either too old or too young for my age. I am in my 40s. Also those who are married with kids. I am single and do not have children. I would suggest like myself, finding people with common interest in your own age group.

  47. nene says:

    Hi .
    i have been alone since my childhood and to this day i wish my mother to hug and love me but that may not happen .I was different from other kids
    very observant ,artistic ,intelligent .the kids were not interested in theories ,books , painting ,astronomy etc i was good and better than other kids of my age .My father used to encourage me but mother never believed in me .she still says u r good for nothing who will marry or like u a rotten piece .
    I think one can have 1 or 2 good friends who really care in life time .i think at least for me men can be good friends too .i have few friends who are men and why not if someone cares for u as a friend .
    life has taught me not to take things people too seriously go with the rythum {english is not my first language }.
    Dont criticize other,or comment on someones private life .dont advise if not asked for .Dont correct others manners or speech be comfortable and dont be suspicious .
    Besides i know i am very sensitive .I run away from people who admire me like me ,i seek people who are rude .i have tried reason with myself why and now i try to see myself differently ,treat people differently .
    i also understand my mother had a difficult life .she got married when she ws 15 and my father 17 her in laws were very abusive and harsh .
    so i forgave her long ago but she has not changed at all .but She does not says nasty things and gives me respect as a person now .which is okay

    • jenx says:

      nene, where are you from? your experience sounds similar to mine. I moved a lot as a child — 3 states, 7 schools before I was 10 yrs old, so that seems to be a deep seated issue. I also find the drama that people bring around here –every one knows eachother, small town etc. very off putting. I too have always been observant, artistic, passionate about literature and writing, and have had a harder time relating to people in adulthood.

      • Angie says:

        Hi Jenx, Nene
        I have also had a hard time making friends more so as an adult I have similar interest as you. When I was a child I seemed to have more friends. I think it maybe because I have a hard time trusting females it maybe associated with my feelings for my mother. I want friends but its like something just holds me back and I hold back.

  48. nene says:

    Hi .
    i have been alone since my childhood and to this day i wish my mother to hug and love me but that may not happen .I was different from other kids
    very observant ,artistic ,intelligent .the kids were not interested in theories ,books , painting ,astronomy etc i was good and better than other kids of my age .My father used to encourage me but mother never believed in me .she still says u r good for nothing who will marry or like u a rotten piece .
    I think one can have 1 or 2 good friends who really care in life time .i think at least for me men can be good friends too .i have few friends who are men and why not if someone cares for u as a friend .
    life has taught me not to take things people too seriously go with the rythum {english is not my first language }.
    Dont criticize other,or comment on someones private life .dont advise if not asked for .Dont correct others manners or speech be comfortable and dont be suspicious .
    Besides i know i am very sensitive .I run away from people who admire me like me ,i seek people who are rude .i have tried reason with myself why and now i try to see myself differently ,treat people differently .
    i also understand my mother had a difficult life .she got married when she ws 15 and my father 17 her in laws were very abusive and harsh .
    so i forgave her long ago but she has not changed at all . She does not says nasty things and gives me respect as a person now .

    • Nene
      I’m a little jealous because I myself can see myself in your shoes or life. My parents were never supportive in anything I did so 40 yrs later my relationships are overbearing I tend to intimidate most because of my knowledge an in the way my thought pattern is so when you say something to person in church or at the store most either fear you or afraid or just run away so I know how you feel an I understand what you are dealing with I can not give you any advice but only to an. ear for encouragement

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