Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?
Many women write to me perplexed about why they can’t form close friendships. They try new approaches, put themselves in all the right places, see therapists, and read relevant self-help books. They consider themselves interesting, loyal, kind, and friend-worthy people. But for reasons unknown to them, they have a tough time forming the intimate relationships other women seem to have and that they covet for themselves. Many admit to not having even one close friend.
A recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology offers some clues as to how both nature (personality) and nurture (experience) impact our friendships. Researchers at the University of Virginia and University of Toronto, Mississauga studied more than 7000 American adults between the ages of 20 and 75 over a period of ten years, looking at the number of times these adults moved during childhood. Their study, like prior ones, showed a link between “residential mobility” and adult well-being: The more times participants moved as children, the poorer the quality of their adult social relationships.
But digging deeper, the researchers found that personality—specifically being introverted or extroverted —could either intensify or buffer the effect of moving to a new town or neighborhood during childhood. The negative impact of more moves during childhood was far greater for introverts compared to extroverts.
“Moving a lot makes it difficult for people to maintain long-term close relationships,” stated Dr. Shigehiro Oishi, the first author of the study, in a press release from the American Psychological Association, “This might not be a serious problem for outgoing people who can make friends quickly and easily. Less outgoing people have a harder time making new friends.”
Families often have to relocate—across town, across the country, or across the globe. Yet, in many cases, their kids and young adolescents haven’t yet built up a bank of friendships or garnered sufficient experience at making new friends and at handling rejection. So the conventional wisdom is to try to minimize moves for the sake of your child, whenever possible, and to move at the end of the academic year. Additionally, parents are advised to monitor and, if necessary, help guide their children’s friendships during the first academic year after a move, which generally is the most difficult.
Moves during childhood affected adult friendships differently because of the unique interplay between nature (personality type, which is determined in part by genes) and nurture (in this case, the moves) for different individuals. That makes the answer to the question of why some women are more successful than others in making friends extremely complex. And this study raises the question of how many other factors come into play that we haven’t even yet considered.
Category: MAKING FRIENDS
I agree, childhood episodes of moving can have lasting impact on ability to make friends. As a 5th grader, I was a very happy child, with a best friend and a gang of other friends. Then, my family moved – I suddenly found it so hard to make friends – people just weren’t interested in me, despite my attempts. I am an introvert and if I find the right environment, I can find friends and relationships are easy and fun, but if I lose that environment, suddenly, I am incapable for any normal human contact. I had to move continents away to find that environment again, and then I lost it again when I left graduate school and entered the workforce. I am married now, but I feel so lost – all my female friendships seem either unsatisfactory to me or too intense to balance with my marriage. My husband gets jealous of the friends that I enjoy the most, and then I give up on them, to keep the peace at home. And then comes depression. I often wonder how women can have husbands and best friends at the same time – how do they coexist like that? My husband has many close long-term friends, and I wish I could have such stable friendships, too.
Friendship is dead simple in later adulthood. Be a good listener, develop a healthy sense of humour, laugh often, and occassionally do nice things for people without expecting something in return. Say ‘no’ if something is asked of you that is impossible to fulfill or would cost you too much one way or another, make the effort to contact people regularly and ask them what they’ve been up to (as opposed to contacting people purely to tell them what you’ve been up to). Show as much wit as you possess, be cheerful, judiciously chatty, and learn to read situations and people. And always …… ALWAYS remember this: don’t be an a$#@hole. Essentially, if you’re relatively sane, and a cheerful, non-judgemental, generous soul who loves a good laugh, you’ll have more friends than you could ever need.
Sorry, but I disagree. From all the threads on this blog they mostly have the same theme. Having all those attributes seems to be the worst thing you can do. If you are a two faced gossip who enjoys excluding people and think it is hilarious, then you too will have many friends.
I have to agree. The women at work who all seem to be ‘socially accepted’ are, for the most part, two-faced gossips that band together and quite frequently rip someone else apart behind their back. Ironically, they also sometimes do it to each other but then just get back together again since it doesn’t appear that any particular niceness or consideration is required for their friendships!
I truly disagree! It is wonderful in theory, yet writing this just after the Boston Marathon tragedy…I will add my “two cents.” TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Do not extend yourself, for the sake of doing a good deed. Yes, by all means give. Too many of the lonely sorts feel dejected for giving too much of themselves. Have humor, be kind. More importantly, be good to YOU. Spend time enjoying what YOU enjoy, be selfish. We often look to externals (e.g., others) for our value. STOP. Enjoy solitude and LEARN to just be alone, damn, not everything is about being a good listener. Who listens to you? As a master’s level counselor, I am differentiating “self-care” from narcissism…Be good to yourself, stand up for yourself, know your voice counts (if you so choose to share it).
I came across this thread by accident and can totally identify and am glad it’s not just me. I’m in Australia and have the same problem. Funny thing though, many years ago I was told by a clairvoyant, his words, “women don’t like you but they don’t know why – it’s because you think like a man. You are totally female and get on famously with men but you don’t play the games women play so they feel threatened and avoid you”. Lovely. Just what I needed but it turned out to be true. I adore male conversation as it’s so simple but you can’t be friends with a man, unless he’s gay. Perhaps some of you have the same problems.
Hi Lynda, I am just like you. I am have always much preferred male company and male conversation. More than this, though, I actually avoid becoming close to other women just in case they think I want some sort of sexual relationship with them! As a result, I am so much more relaxed with men (although I am certainly not a man-chaser!). I somehow think “Oh well, it doesn’t really matter that much if this man thinks I fancy him by talking & laughing with him as mild flirting with the opposite sex is socially acceptable”. This social acceptability thing I have in my head probably stems from the fact that I grew up in the 60s and 70s, and homosexuality wasn’t a thing I had even heard of (I know – hard to believe isn’t it!). I remember first seeing something about homosexuals on TV in the 1980s and my parents turning the TV off, calling them “disgusting creatures”! I was also the only child of quite elderly parents, who were old enough to be my grandparents. Neither of my parents had siblings either, which meant I also had no cousins. I don’t really know if this made things worse.
Hi, dear author of the article, Lynda and Lucy!
I am also one of you. I find it much easier to befriend men or women who get along with men more easily. I think as women we tend to overreact in many conversational situations and that makes everything more complicated. Men rarely do that. If I talk to a woman I always try to say as little as possible to offend her. The problem is that she usually tries to do the opposite. At least I think so. Since I am a Capricorn (if that means something to you) I really have to rely on my friends if there are some around. If you aren’t my friend don’t call yourself that. This is mostly my problem with women. They tell they are my friends, although, I don’t need that and I know they don’t mean it. If we are friends, then I’ll be counting on you in some difficulties. If not – then don’t tell me that. That’s what bugs me. Men never did that to me.
DOES ANYONE HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM???
I agree with the last comment. Iam really annoyed by women who tell you they are your friend but they are not there for you, but you are there for them…always! I tend to not make myself available for serious lengthy friendship relationships with women.
I know exactly what you are both speaking about. I have rarely found women to connect with and just don’t seem to play the same ‘games’ they play…they typically turn to me when they have some distress in their life and I try to help them when they are down and encourage them (but without giving much advice so they can ‘fix’ things themselves). But invaribly once the crisis is over, they don’t have much use for me, and they are rarely ever around if I need bolstering. I don’t want to end up a bitter person so I keep trying to do the right thing, but it is a challenge to do the right thing and not feel used or ‘discarded’.
Thanks for your insight girls. I have actually just joined a team sport. I thought that if you are “needed” for the team, other women may be more inclined to get to know you. They are an older crowd than me but that can’t be helped. So far so good. I have offered computer lessons to one who wants to learn but have learnt to offer only once and leave it at that. If she wants the lessons she will have to make the first move. I won’t offer again. See what happens, but if I just enjoy the game I will do just that.
Lynda, YEAH…Bit after the fact. I am a very FAST marathon runner and do well with my male running pals. Ummm, I make a decent appearance and the wives/partners do not like me. I agree with your sentiment…”Thinking like a man threatens them.” I guess I would alter the statement with…I avoid gossip, idle chatter, REALITY shows (NBA Basketball Wives, what is that?), take care of myself and am very upbeat…No real drama. So, run alone I often do, as to not be in the drama of couples. Learn to enjoy the solitude, travel, find interests that you have only fantasized of doing, do them and you will run into women like me, I can only hope to meet pals like yourself, be well! G.
Kitty, you seem like such a gem! I an identify. PLEASE don’t lose your great personality. I am attempting to WEEN out the types you describe…I just cut them loose, now…No drama, no arguments or “I was there for you and you dumped me…” Often, these FRIENDS are well aware of their behavior, and abuse it. True friends are there for us, albeit we are all busy, yet I think you know “busy” in lieu of “being used.” I am sorry, it hurts and more importantly, as you noted, you don’t want to end up bitter…I retreat into my Cancerian shell when confuseed(and I am not truly into astrology, but love that image of the crab pulling in with the fiesty claws ready to clamp).
Do what YOU enjoy, even if it is weekends alone, sit in and read, watch cable/movies…Exercise, invite someone you want to but…And forget what others “think.” You read like such a divine person, kudos and don’t look back…Do what YOU want:) G.
Thank you Linda, Georgia, Kitty and all. I’m a 70 year old widow who has spent her whole life feeling almost “unworthy” of lasting friendships. I have always felt that people didn’t like me but I never knew why and they would never tell me. They would hang around until they had what they wanted from me and then “dump” me like yesterday’s trash. I confess that it has made me bitter and so cautious now that I want good friends but not sure I want the “burn”!!! What you ladies have taught me today is that there is nothing wrong with me!!! I did my part to grow the friendship—they dropped the ball!!! I’ve even used (and felt guilty about it after)the term “I’m Busy” when I felt I was being used!! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you all!!
So happy to find this blog. I no longer feel alone.
I’m 32–moved around tons as a child but am extroverted. I’m an ex-pagent queen –have gained now 50lbs and plan on losing every last bit–but all the same, I am as confident as I always have been and dress tastefully sexy. Like many of you, I am well educated and working on beginning a new career in health care. Also, like many of you, I have hit the jackpot with my husband–I don’t think this is a coincidence –kind, confident people should be attracted to similar counterparts.
After reading through half the comments on the board and reading about the confidence and thoughtfulness many of you bring into the world…I’m beginning to think that many women perhaps, just don’t feel comfortable enough with themselves– so much so, that they have to latch onto other insecure women and/or quite simply just shun the confident ones out in order to feel adequate in their minds. I used to think that my issue of making close female friends had to do with women simply reacting to internalized jealousy. I still think this is part of the issue but I now also think it has to do with wanting to rule the roost and not allowing confident/attractive individuals into their circles. I just don’t get this type of behavior–I am happy for other women in their success, beauty, wealth, etc. I don’t feel threatened by any of these things –true beauty and success of course lies in the hearts of people–all other things are superficial and it could all be gone tomorrow while the soul remains forever attached. Lately, I’ve taken to my Mom’s middle school bullying advice which is to unobviously ignore people when they are trying to get under my skin–this seems to trigger reactions–people seem to want to get what they cannot have and that opens the floor to interaction.
Please realize you are ONE women. Take a look at personality theory and hiring practices…Attractive MEN and WOMEN do get noticed. I am so glad to read that you are able to mesh well with other females. For those who do not, and to no fault of their own, this is an extremely painful occurance. To date, woman make $.83 to every $1.00 for men. I do truly “buy” into the competitive nature of women based on looks and status. Men do still rank in this arena, they may be competitive, yet rarely over appearance.
Allow women to vent, please…We need to support each other rather than read…It must be your fault!
I wonder if having a long-term loving relationship with a partner, and a partner who shares your introversion, as well as having work that you love, helps tremendously in coping with not being social? I would think so.
Yes, I definitely think it does. My husband and I are pretty quiet, home-loving people. Last year we moved to the countryside as we both agreed we did not want to be around lots of people any more. Neither of us have been good at keeping in touch with respective friends, preferring each other’s company instead. We also don’t like late nights, and my husband has often been in bed by 8pm! However, I find myself in crisis now (which I guess has brought me to this website). My husband has now got a new job and is flying off around the world with male (and female) colleagues, and seems to have completely changed. He even admitted that he finds two of his female colleagues “attractive”, although he said he couldn’t live with either of them as they are “too loud”. I have noticed that he is very influenced by extroverted people and it’s almost like he’s joined a new “gang”. I found out recently from Facebook that whilst they’re away they all stay out together til about 3am drinking in rowdy bars where girls dance half-naked. I haven’t told my husband I know about this as I have been secretly logging into his Facebook account and seeing his colleagues’ posts. As a result of all this I feel I do not know him any more and I have been not just physically, but also mentally, left behind! I also feel somehow “betrayed”. This is making me feel even more lonely now. He says he doesn’t know what my problem is, and that he now has a really good job which is benefitting us both financially, and says I could go on the trips with him too. The point is, I don’t want to go with these people. I have nothing in common with them and would absolutely hate going to the places they go and staying up til all hours of the night! The fact is, my husband just cannot see that he has changed.
It’s great–until your husband passes away.
I agree with you about Facebook. Not a big fan.
I guess I wouldn’t be bothered by being socially isolated, except I see my mother’s memory decline as she is getting older. She seems depressed and less and less motivated to go out. I worry about her, and I don’t want to end up that way.
Currently I’m absorbed by my work as an artist. I find it much more fun than most conversations. I, too, have wondered if I have Aspergers. I’m rarely lonely. I have a partner with whom I’ve lived for 20 years. He’s just as introverted as I am. We have a deep and loving relationship. I feel peaceful with him, and I confess I rarely feel that way with others.
I’ve often wondered if my anxiety around people has caused me to rationalize about being less social. I just find people confusing…especially women.
You have pretty much summed up my take on Facebook. It seems so high school. It’s annoying to be in a group, any group, and instead of everyone just being “in the moment” and enjoying and experiencing each other, everyone is focused on taking a picture of the experience and then posting it on FB to show it off to the world. I used to hear some people say that about tourists who are so busy trying to capture something by photographing it that they don’t actually experience looking at and absorbing that which they are photographing. FB takes it a step further, in the wrong direction: People seem preoccupied with taking the perfect photo so they can post it for the whole wide word/web to see. To show off. Maybe all of this is just an extension of modern times … the tendency to “be a star” or “be on TV” … “be seen.” Have you ever visited New York City and noticed how all of these normal people are clustered around the morning news shows in the outside audience area, waving signs and acting like kindergartners so they can be “seen” for five seconds on TV? It’s so strange to me.
Yes, I totally agree with you – I absolutely hate Facebook and other social media, such as Twitter. The last thing I want is people prying into my life!
Hi,
As you can see from the number of visitors to this site, you are not alone. For a variety of reasons, as people’s lives change, they often lose friends from the past.
There are a number of earlier posts on this blog that suggest sites on the internet where people can make new friends. There are also a number of organizations that help people connect in their own neighborhoods, such as Meet Up Groups.
As one outgrowth of this blog, I’ve previously suggested another option for connecting with people from this blog on Facebook.
Best, Irene
I remember as a young girl right out of HS. I was petite and always told attractive, although shy and, of course, had trouble making friends. I got hired as a inexperienced legal secretary/receptionist at a small firm. Two slightly older women worked in the same office together for a few years and were friends. After about 2 weeks of working there and listening to them talk to each other and plan activities outside of the workplace, I could sense their apparent dislike for me by the eye-rolling and sighs when I would ask them questions about how to do things, since I was not experienced like they were at legal documents. My desk faced away from theirs and I could also hear them whisper things about me that they didn’t think I could hear. They had gone through 3 other employees prior to hiring me…wonder why? That was my first job experience in an office working with females and it really hurt me. I was so relieved when they told me I was given 2 weeks notice because they felt they needed someone with prior legal experience after all, but at the same time felt horribly rejected due to being fired and not being accepted in the workplace by my coworkers. I did not work for about 3 years after that. I think its a shame how people can be so hurtful to others. I also get mad at myself for letting them affect me like that. In my mind I replay that scene, and this time I turn around and tell them “I CAN hear what you are saying, and sorry I don’t know everything you two do. You hired me and said experience was not necessary. I feel you are rude and unfriendly and no wonder you have gone through so many employees…who could work with you two snobs? Here is my stack of papers for today that YOU TWO BFFs can finish and mail me my check. I QUIT!!” I think I would have left feeling much better about myself knowing I was in control of THAT particular situation.
I am right there with you! I don’t understand why women have to be so judgemental and hurtful. I had a similar incident at work and of course like you I didn’t say anything either. I stayed about 3 months then just found another job, people are so rude, instead of helping someone they would rather tear then down for their own enjoyment. Men are so much easier to get along with, they don’t care about stupid stuff and always want to just relax and have a good time, but I do think its important to have at least 1 real girl friend, and sometimes that’s hard enough.
best wishes!
I thought FB would make me have more friends, but it only depressed me. I would see other people post multiple pictures of a “night out with the girls” from time to time. I just posted pictures of my family. If I ever do go out to lunch with someone, I never say, “hey let’s take a picture!” so I can post it on FB. Why do these people take pictures of everything they do? That is just strange to me. I think many of these people are with other people who are just like them in wanting to be “popular” and show others that they are part of a “cool in crowd”. I mean, what are we in high school still? I am talking about people in their 40s and 50s for heaven sake! I was never in with the popular people in school. I would rather have 1 or 2 close friends than a lot of so-called friends that will dump you for the next “cooler” acquaintance. I get so tired of people posting on FB pictures of how perfect their life is!!
I guess this lack of friendship can cause pain in girls at any age in life. I too am in my 50s and still can feel just as hurt as I did back in grade school when I think of how few female friends I do have. I have often wondered about the same thing…a friendship site.
I believe you’re right. I have had friends that were more “takers” than “givers” also. Sometimes it’s just not worth the time or energy when a person has so many other things in life to keep them busy/occupied in a positive way. I have 4 grown children, 3 grandkids, and a husband. Why do I have to compare myself to others who may hang out with friends? Maybe they don’t have half of what I have to occupy their time. Does that make me “strange” or “abnormal” because I don’t hang out with the gals? Besides, when I do have idle time, I like my “own” quite time to do what I want to do.
I can feel your pain as I read your post. I have felt like that so many times. Being left out, ignored or rejected is a terrible feeling that hits you at the core. People can be so hurtful. I think when things like this happens it really tears away at your self esteem. I have had things such as this happen to me when I was very young and affected my ability to form friendships throughout high school and even now in the workplace. I am a married 53 year old who has raised 4 kids and put myself through college and now work in a career where I still feel anxious and somewhat depressed about the fact that I don’t quite “fit in” or have the ability to form friendships like the other people I work with This even makes me consider changing jobs AGAIN. Maybe this type of thing happens to everyone, but some are just more sensitive? I don’t know, but want to you know you are not alone in what has happened to you and others can feel your pain. God Bless.
Wow, I feel like I wrote this post. You must be my twin, where have you been
… at the end of the day nothing brings me more joy and peace than knowing that God love me. Just as I am
I am in the same place as you and it’s hard. And something hard to fit in with their friends. But hopefully it well get better for the both of us.
I guess both genders make it too hard on themselves.
Men are so competitive, and feel they can’t complain.
They walk around a ticking time bomb. The bravado.
And if they can’t “make it” compared to other men,
they feel like utter failures. It’s rough for men. Yes, women can be catty and bitchy behind the scenes. I think in the end neither one is “better” than the other. As a woman I often can talk to men more easily, about “things.” But they shut down the minute it becomes personal.
While I appreciate the post, I have very little empathy. Males, like females, can choose or NOT choose to vent. Many males vent, just not in “chatty” ways as you decribe. Sports, sex, work, social times with male or female friends…In our current westernized culture, it’s fine for a man to be sensitive, what about the woman who is assertive (at times, labeled “bitchy”). We need NOT to feel BAD for either gender, what is needed is HOW TO tactics! How to live, feel empowered, leave toxic “friends” behind. Both genders have their share of issues, pleaes leave pity out, not a problem-solving tactic or empathetic gesture.
Your story is so similar to mine – I’m the one who posted on October 10th about working helping others achieve better health – both of us grew up in a large family of girls, working in the business world, so many of your character traits are the same as mine. I, too, am a survivor, growing up in a very poor rural Canadian (no electricity, no running water poor) farm family with a domineering abusive father. And yet I am bothered by my sister-in-laws ignoring me, as you are by women ignoring you. I, too, have adult nieces who are jealous of me! My husband of 30 years and I have raised three children and now that we are empty nesters, we too, travel when I am not at my business. I keep myself trim and wear short skirts LOL – I get comments that I have great “gams’ for a lady 55 years old, and people often peg me as around 40 – I’m a walking advertisement for eating natural food! Wouldn’t that be great if we could meet! We have so much in common; we couldn’t help but be great friends!
In my opinion, the competitiveness with men is right out in the open for all to see. And you’ve hit the nail on the head – the women are more gossipy and behind your back – which I interpret as jealousy. Guess I’m one of those women who would rather be in “the boy’s club” than act petty and jealous.
That’s me – knows thousands but only good female friends are in my own family (younger sister, and daughter,) Grew up extremely poor, put myself through university, had a professional career before becoming a business woman, and now advise and guide thousands of people a year to achieve better health through changing lifestyle and diet, receiving much grateful appreciation from my clients. Although I am from a family of six girls, I am only close with my youngest sister who is also a professional. She is on the same wavelength and not jealous of me and I am not jealous of her. We are successful in terms of being self-supportive (while also being married to great spouses), and both of us are generous with sharing our wealth. I agree with many comments that mention the jealousy of other women who could be potential good friends, if they would give it a chance. In my case, the most jealous seem to be the women in my husband’s family – mostly his brother’s wives – most have chosen to stay home as homemakers rather than become wage earners themselves. I guess they must think that they have little in common with me because they basically ignore me at family functions, and will only converse as little as necessary to be semi-civil before turning their backs and engaging each other in cards or other games; the deliberation with which they disengage from socializing with me is palpable. My husband comments – “What did you ever do to them?” All I can say is, “Be my own person, I guess.” The men in his family don’t treat me like that at all – I can talk and joke with them just fine – sometimes I feel my soul is male! I am used to dealing with men in my business, and find I have more in common with them than with most women, and would rather engage in their conversations, have a beer with them, etc. Although I sometimes wish I could have closer female friends outside my family, I am grateful for the closeness I have with my daughter and sister, and I consider my relationship with my two grownup sons equally as close, as is my relationship with my husband. All the people in my family value and respect me for all I have done with them and for them, and for the ethics they see in me as I work to help others achieve better health. So I have no reason to complain really, it’s just perplexing that a lot of women appear to be uncomfortable around those of us who are a success outside the traditional women’s roles, especially those of us who are accepted for who we are by the men around us.
I don’t think she was trying to make a statement about your social life. I think she was just angry because she didn’t get her way (i.e. you working for her). Its good that you said no and maintained your day off..yay Zumba!!! Too many women will let a petty coworker push them around and get stuck working when they deserve their days off just like everyone else. Also, its amazing how many women don’t have the courage or self esteem to do something without a sidekick.
So many of you have described yourself as having so many wonderful, positive qualities, even including how slim and fit you are; how attractive and successful. And how kind and attentive you are. I know conventional wisdom would say that if you don’t have friends it’s only because everyone is jealous of you. Well, here is another thought. Maybe it’s not so much that others are jealous, but they are scared you won’t like them. I know for myself, I am aware of lots and lots of flaws. So when I encounter people like you, who have all these wonderful qualities, I assume you would not be interested in ME. That I don’t have anything much to offer such an accomplished, attractive, successful person as you are. It’s not that I’m seething with jealousy, though of course I do wish I shared the glowing traits you have. But I do assume that you would be uninterested in ME. So maybe that’s the problem. And that’s not your fault, of course. But it’s an answer. And I think some of you do want an answer, right? I hope this helps.
Your comments are very interesting. I never thought of it that way, but now a lot of things make sense. I must be dumb as a stump!
I think it is possible to have all of the wonderful qualities so many of you say about yourself and it is right that you should be proud of these things and of who you are. But that doesn’t mean there is not room for improvement somewhere when it comes to making friends. And I don’t believe that the key to having friends is that you let them use you or take advantage of you.
I know exactly how you feel. Your description of yourself could easily be a description of me; care about others, interested in what they have to say, considerate, kind. And, I, too, am grateful for my husband because I often feel that he is the only one that loves me and cares. Throughout my life, the only conclusion I can come up with is that God has a reason for my life, and it can’t involve a lot of friendships. Unless I am seeing myself so completely different than who I really am, I cannot figure any other reason for the difficulty I have had with making friends, and being liked by other women.
I.don’t mean to say.anyone is doung anything wrong, but i have never tried to make friends. To me that’s like trying to fall in love. Love happens and so does friendship. It maintains thru some work and trying yes. Just do what uou enjoy.ladiss and let life unfold. But friendship is spontaneous.
Personally I don’t think women are more competitive with one another than men are. Men can be very competitive too. I really don’t think it’s something hard wired into women more so than it is with men. Think about the figures of speech always thrown around about men: “a pissing contest” and “seeing whose is biggest.” Who caught the biggest fish. I think the trait that seems to be assigned more to women than to men is cattiness: gossiping and back biting.
You can try to do all the right things when interacting with women but I think the bottom line is that many women are insecure and competitive with each other righ to the end (unfortunately). if we could just put the competitiveness aside and be open to each other I think it would help immensely. It might be a matter of mind over biology. Maybe we are programmed to be competitive with other women and that is getting in the way. Too bad because I feel the same way as all of you – I just want to make friends with other women so badly but they put up a wall. it gets really lonely and it gets lonelier every year! As we age, whether someone things or look like us should become less and less of and issue…those things shouldn’t matter anymore because life only lasts so long!
“I’m tired of self-serving competitive women whose idea of a good friend is someone who does things for you.” … You pretty much summed up my frustration with female friendships in one sentence.
I absolutely agree with everything you’ve posted here–right down to the friends with fur. I’m now extremely cautious about who I let in. I remain neutral until I see some evidence (actions not talk) that show me that my emotional and time investment is not going into a black hole. I’m tired of self-serving competitive women whose idea of a good friend is someone who does things for you.
I’ve noticed the same pattern in female friendships – exactly as you describe – you get close then they want something, then something else. The one’s I”ve met pretend to give and try to establish a bond with sob stories to make me feel sorry for them then they ask for just about everything under the sun and want you to be their emotional energy provider. These same friends who are taking up so much time and energy also had a common gift – nicely said verbal jabs. They say them “subtly” so you don’t react at the time but end up coming away from the interaction feeling like a used piece of tissue. So not only do they take up time and energy but also have the nerve to offer up self esteem destroying put downs. Over a period of time (and thanks to my husband who saw through the toxic behaviours) I left a lot of long term female friendships. For a time I have tried making new female friends, but the pattern is the same; demanding, can’t take no for an answer, and they want you to be like a spouse to them when you barely know them. It is one thing to give support to a friend who will reciprocate (needle in a haystack I’m beginning to think) but quite another to have your life taken over with their issues. I’ve reached the point where the only female friends I have are the ones that use the litter box, meow and purr. I can talk to them, they listen, no put downs and their biggest issue is having fresh water.
Over the past few days I have given some thought to your post and others responses….. I see similar traits in myself as you … and the others who have replied.
I am successful…. I am a business owner….I am attractive and “slender” ~ however very.. very …rarely do I give myself credit for these accomplishments I would never brag or say any of that out loud! Ever! lol
If anyone compliments me I think they are just being kind and can not possibly mean it!
But we are in the same boat? At a blog looking for answers? Interesting!! I did move 7 or 8 times as a child over 3 different states. I did have a very abusive alcoholic family. I was fairly close with my alcoholic, bipolar, schizophrenic mother until she committed suicide 5 years ago. I would have considered her to be my best friend in a warped sort of way.
I have noticed with age I tend to push people away. It seems like every time I get close to someone they “want” something from me? Whether its something borrowed that’s never returned, or a favor that’s not returned when I need a favor?
It seems like I always get in a “give and take” friendship….it always ends up me giving….and them taking until I end the friendship? When they need anything I’m there…when I need something …??
And quit frankly I don’t have time nor patience for it anymore!
Reading this blog has made me realize? Do I really wish I had more female friends?? If I had….would I feel like I was being “used” by one or more right now??? Would I be stuck listening to them pissing and whining about a husband or boyfriend they were unhappy with everyday?? Or a job or kids they were having problems with?? Would I focus my time and energy helping them with their problems …..ignoring my own life and the things I am trying to accomplish right now?? Probably!
I have accomplished A lot of things by NOT being bogged down everyday with other peoples problems!I
I have my husband, son and cats. I trust them, they return things they borrow and I can be 100% honest with them as they are with me.
I am always available for them when they need me and vice versa ? Maybe I should be thankful for what I have instead of being sad I don’t have “female” friends that society says I should have??
Currently I have female employees ….no female friends. We have some personal chit-chat but I keep my personal info to a minimum.
I am not so sure this is a “bad” thing anymore?
For the record I could give a crap who or how many people came to my funeral. Because I would be dead anyway!
Just sharing my thoughts?? Would appreciate any feedback or opinions on my post.
I also have always had a hard time, making friends, my therapist says that it is because of boundary issues and that I attract boundary offenders, I am now reading a book called Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud/Dr John Townsend and it is helping me pin point some things that I have been doing wrong in frienships, Just thought I would share.
Michelle
I think people come here hoping for support. But I also think this blog is for sharing experiences and feedback. Not just support as in saying nice things that aren’t helpful. Irene Levine can speak further about this. But I thought she put up this blog as a way to promote her book, “Best Friends Forever.” That it would create a buzz and traffic that would end up with increasing sales of her book. And somewhere along the way she put up a section for discussion forums about the problems people have with friendship. And that’s what people tend to post about: the problems they have with friendships. I don’t know that everyone is expecting advice or “the” answer. Just a place to vent, for some. A place to meet friends, for others. Certainly it’s not to trash and bash people for their views. But it’s not really a place solely for offering support. I thought it was a place that includes support giving, but isn’t exclusively that. A place for just exchanging ideas–and of course that would have to mean that not everyone shares the same opinions and ideas. I think some people approach some of the problems that are posed here as something that must be solved. Answers must be given. I’m not sure that everyone who posts problems, though, expects a solution. I’m just guessing, that’s all.
I know you don’t think you’re perfect. But you and many who post here wanting answers list all the positive things about yourself and never list the possible liabilities. You know, such as, “I suspect I act too intense, too serious.” Things like that. I personally want answers for why I struggle with friendship issues. I would rather someone nicely tell me, “Hey, you tend to come across a little too timidly” or whatever else I might be doing that’s not winsome; that way, I will know how to improve myself. I’m sorry you took the post wrong. It wasn’t intended to be mean at all. It’s just that I have read so many postings here where people describe themselves in nothing BUT positive terms. And the conclusion they give sometimes is that it’s the world who is wrong, who doesn’t appreciate them, who is jealous, who is superficial, etc……. I once had a friend tell me, before I met my then-husband and was dating futilely, that she thought I was doing a few things “wrong” that were hindering me. Some of the things she said were things I hadn’t realized. And they were helpful. I was glad for the honest feedback. My mother, on the other hand, kept telling me nothing but praise, as if I were perfect. So I didn’t know what I needed to do to improve, to be a more approachable person. That’s all I was getting at. I’m very sorry, truly I am, that I offended you.
Whew. Many of these posts are my own direct thoughts. Wild, yet interesting connections lie within each post. Moving a lot. Introverted or Introverted parents/never learned socialization skills. Trying/being/doing everything to no avail. Abuse/neglect in childhood perhaps leading to mistrust/trust issues. The fact that all of us WANT friendships means that the need is there, so I think that rules out being introverted. I think it is much more than that. Abuse and neglect can create chaos in various connections not made while young. Couple that with a few of the other commonalities — say, moving a lot,–and you have a full case against maintaining friendships. But what is the answer? What has worked for anyone? We most likely will not find out on this blog — I googled “Why would someone not have any friends.” Haha. People who are successful socially would not google such a thing! (-: So while you will get sympathy and camaraderie you will not get answers to “Why” and “How to” here. Sadly, because it is such a strong feeling. Best of luck. I really appreciated the post .
You sound like an awesome person and I know just what you are going through. The same thing turned me into an introvert in order to adapt. I then got to know the most fabulous and neatest best friend I could ever have which was me. Hang in there. These people shun you due to the fact that they are petty and feel like they would never measure up to you.
I actually responded to your reply above.
Your response was shockingly insensitive, considering people have come to this blog for support.
I do not think I’m perfect. As a matter of fact, I have issues with always thinking that I am the one who has done something wrong: Was I too loud? Was I too candid? Am I trying too hard? Am I too eager? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too pretty? Am I too confident? Am I not confident enough? Did I talk about myself too much? Did I not ask enough about them? The list goes on and on and on.
At 51, I’ve had to get to a point to give myself some positive reinforcement. Heck, I overlook LOTS when I’m trying to get to know someone and when I do know them.
I’ve beaten myself up for most of my life. At the same time, I’m proud of my accomplishments and it has been an Herculean effort to live a relatively “normal” life under the conditions in which I was raised.
It has also taken me 51 years to realize that the human condition, especially women, whom I had always trusted since I was around so many growing up, can and will be vicious. Yes, they are extremely jealous !!!!! Have you ever taken a look at the “Comment” section of any Yahoo article featuring a women? The vast majority of them are women commenting, and they are so brutal, their hate seems to ooze from their pores.
I am a good person, just like most people think they are. I’m not an ogeress, I don’t insult people, I don’t steal, lie, cheat, berate people, talk trash about them, etc., etc.
There I was, so desperate to reach out and by chance, came across this blog where many, many others have written by opening their hearts, yet you both tell or intimate to me that there’s something wrong with me. Being hyper-critical of someone who is, like yourself, just trying to reaching out and get support.
Obviously, this was a futile and failed attempt.
i grew up in a small family .lost my mother very young friends i have are only from highschool. most of the time i will hear from people for a wedding or a graduation ,it makes me feel very lonley.my husband and i travel when iam on vacation ,i dont feel as lonley .because i feel like iam not sopoused to know anyone its a strange place. my daughter joined a church and has really drifted away from me ,at first i cried so hard .for weeks than i just got used to it .i have joined classes volenteer work it never reaches the point of becomeing friends.i do all the calling .here lately .i dont try.i dont mean to sound bitter my daughter attracks people like amagnet .iam glad she can . when i would make friends i would never want to let go since i was thirty i had no sisters aunts none of that .all your life its other peoples family .i would surge with jealousy when people spoke of family events.noone ever had any concern for my children. i have a good retirement a nice car and home ,.i sure get lonley.
Why not start a thread of comments from those of us who will look at ourselves honestly and try to pin-point the things we might be doing or saying that is off-putting and that’s preventing us from having the friendships we’d like to have? Share these traits and see if others can relate, and if they can offer suggestions for improvement. I don’t think this has to be a brutal attack on ourselves and not on others. How else do we improve our lot if we don’t see where what we are doing is not working and why it is not? Sure, we all think we are being kind, good listeners, etc., etc., but … are we in the process of doing all of that good stuff coming across too intensely, too reserved, too eager, too know it all … or something that puts people off? I’m finding it not helpful to approach this problem with the notion that I am doing nothing wrong, so why does the world not seem to want to be my friend. I don’t think that’s valid. I realize some people on this blog think that the problem is that everyone is jealous, but I’m not certain that’s really the whole picture either. I do hope other people write in and join in in some truthful (but kind) self-awareness of things we might be doing that’s hindering our journey toward finding friends.
You sound perfect, from how you describe yourself. Not your upbringing, but all the traits you’ve given to describe yourself sound perefct. Yet, humans are not perfect. I suggest you ask someone you trust, maybe your husband, if they would in a kind but forthright way tell you what you might be doing or not doing that puts people off. Maybe a therapist, maybe group therapy. Candid, but kind, constructive feedback. And I would suggest being super honest with yourself and try to figure out if there is something you’re giving off that might not be so pleasant to be around. One thing I have noticed by reading this blog is that almost everyone describes herself as kind, compassionate, good listener, just everything perect. I never seem to read about any negative traits people think about themselves. and the consensus is always, “I’m so nice and friendly and do everything just right, yet no one wants to be my friend.” I’m sorry, but I think there is a serious lack of self-candor. No one is that perfect. NO one.
On the one hand, I can’t believe I found this blog, yet on the other, it makes me sad to read so many accounts similar to mine, I can relate to on so many levels!
My background was that I was number seven out of eight children, all told, six girls, two boys, so I actually grew up with tons of women and female energy. One thing different for me than most on this stream, was that we never moved. It was, however, a very dysfunctional, abusive (physically and emotionally) environment. I have to encapsulate it, otherwise, I could write a book on my family history. Essentially, I was just a number and my parents were completely indifferent to me, when they weren’t being horribly cruel. That also goes for the majority of my siblings as well. One of the ladies here mentioned that she didn’t know why she was disposable — that’s exactly what I was as a child and even to this day, long into adulthood. I was/am considered garbage to be thrown away.
I moved out of the house at a very young age, and from there, I moved lots. From the northeast, out to the west coast, now in the southeast.
Even at the age of 19, I knew how bad my situation was, and went to therapy, because I didn’t want to be in a vicious cycle of dysfunction and wanted to live a life that was rich and filled with love, even though I never knew those things growing up. I guess you can say I was/am a survivor.
I feel that I’m a very loyal, trustworthy person and generous in spirit and deed; I’m considerate, kind and open-minded; I’m always happy when someone else has good things happen in their life; I’m supportive and a good listener; I’m very complimentary, when I see that someone looks attractive, pretty, or wearing something nice, I always comment on it; I’m empathetic and compassionate. I too am considered funny and goofy.
Having traveled to five continents, I’ve had lots of adventures, and continue to do so. I’m reasonably intelligent and put myself through school in my late twenties, and many other continued educational courses, language, dance, pottery, the list goes on and on.
While I’m 51 years old, I have the same figure as I did when I was 25, slender, petite, and have been referred to as very attractive. After having worked in the corporate world for many years, I now operate my own small, community-based business. Although I make a fraction of what I did in my “other life,” I’ve never been happier and centered. I’m married to the best of men for 22 years, he’s the most fabulous person I’ve ever known.
Okay, so that brings me to the present: I reach out to other women, and they are either indifferent to me or they are horribly mean to me, talk trash behind my back, in many instances, even humiliate me and insult me in public. I mean, if these scenarios were in movies, I don’t think people would believe they were credible. I’m not kidding, the instances are outrageous.
Like many of the other ladies’ posts here, I guess women are jealous of me and have always been so, I’ve just been naive about it most of my life, I suppose. I always see how women have these big gang of friends and just assume that they must be secure within themselves to have so many girl friends, that they couldn’t possibly be jealous or envious, otherwise, they’d have no friends — right? Well, after 51 years, I’m seeing that’s not the case.
We now live in a townhome community in a large city and everyone knows one another. Ironically, I’m actually head of the social committee (!!!) and have organized super fun things, like block parties, pub nights, wine country tasting events, even an all-girls supper club (!!!!!). Speaking of the latter, while I’m the one to organize the girls’ supper club, many of the girls meet beforehand for cocktails, but never include me. Heck, they then talk amongst themselves and plan events that I’m not invited to. One instance, is that I love to ride my bike and take the bike paths all over the city and beyond (my husband joins me lots on these as well). The women know this, but I then discovered that they got a group of the girls together to go bicycling and they don’t include me. They also plan many other things, like smaller dinner events, I’m never asked to join. Shopping, classes, coffee (I don’t drink it, but am a tea drinker), girls’ weekend, not once have I been asked.
My husband and I just got back from Scotland, they all knew we were going, and I think two people asked me how my trip was in passing, yet when all these gals go away, I always want to know all about their trips.
Oh, the FB issue, I’ll post something and get hardly any hits, if any hits at all, yet when one of the other ladies post, they get tons of posts. It just makes me sad and depressed.
Many times I’ll confide to my husband and cry because I feel so friendless, and especially when one of the women insults me and my physical appearance. My husband will joke and (and makes me feel so cheered!) he says things like: “If I had money, you’d be my trophy wife.” !!! BTW, I don’t wear grammy clothing, I wear fashionable, yet sexy clothing. I’m not dead yet !!
So rounding all this out, since I’ve moved all over starting as a young adult, had many jobs in the corporate world and other side jobs, travelled, etc., I’ve met literally thousands of people, many of them women, yet I have no friends.
This even goes for my own family, even my adult nieces. They are extremely petty and jealous of me. It’s so surface. That’s what makes me terribly sad. Why can’t they just look at me on the inside?
Thank goodness for my husband and my dog, they are they only creatures on this planet who care and love me. If I were to kick the bucket tomorrow, they’d be the only ones at my funeral.
Anyway, that’s just part of my story. I wish I had a friend I could confide in, go out for coffee, giggle, trust, lean on and be leaned upon. I have a lot to give and lots of love in my heart.
just read your posting & instantly felt like you are my twin – had a horrible childhood and finally cut the ties that bound me to them and found my new life. I wish we could go for tea & chat and then I am sure you could include me as a friend. the comment about who comes to your funeral – have you been listening to me while I drive. Grief I said the very same thing! Anyway, hugs to you. God bless. gazegogal
My heart was so sad when I read your post. If I lived near you we could walk our dogs together and get to know each other that way. I have no best friends and never have. Having moved several times before Jr High, I never learned how to be a friend or had any opportunity to form any bonds. At 62 I am still trying but no success yet.
AZ Girl
NICE TO MET YOU, HOPING THING WILL BE BETTER IN THIS LIFE, AM KENYAN ,27 YR, AT MOMENT IN LEBANON, WONDERFUL COUNTRY, THANK IN ADVENCE
21 yr old college student…..it is a sad thing to say, however, did you ever consider there are things about you that these girls see as threatening? The female is, in my experience, most often one of the most insecure. They will often see any positive attribute of another female as a threat. To me it sounds like they are subconsciously not wanting the “apple cart” upset by adding another friend to the mix. I would say this is their issue and not your’s. And, yes, I see it is not helping you feel any better. Could you look outside of this class for other females to associate with? Hoping for the best for you.
I don’t have a direct answer, but I would like to tell you
about my sister: My sister pretty much hates females.
But she is not open about this in a verbal way. My sister secretly wishes that the world was filled with men with her being the only female.
Females love my sister and she in turn dogs them. She goes after their boyfriends, she
betrays them and lies to them at every turn, but they
remain loyal to her. They even run errands for her.
When she was in high school, our front porch stayed
crowded with happy, laughing, goodlooking females
sitting on the steps, the railings and on chairs.
There is something about my sister that females love.
I too have been let down and betrayed by her.
It is all about the haves and the have nots
Some people have it and some people don’t.
this is such a releif.I am not crazy i have been too transient.sit still for a while and watch the freinds pour in.Time.Give it time.
Hello there girls, OMG I would love to meet you girls, I feel I’m in the same boat with all of you. I am 44 years old, and have the exact same problem. I am an extremely nice person (which my sister believes that is the problem). Even though I am happily married
And have two wonderful sons, I feel soooo lonely at times; I would love to have a female friend. I don’t know what I am doing wrong, I’m a good listener, I’m compassionate, friendly, but still no friends, for example, I have 20 friends on facebook , last year for my birthday not a single happy birthday from anybody, I was so hurt, and to make it worst one of my friend on facebook has 600 friends and I counted more that 200 happy birthdays on her facebook, and she is NOT half the friend I am to anyone!!!! Go figure.
Has anyone got an answer to any of this? It is just depressing me even more!
I recognise the feeling! Many years ago a friend asked me what I was doing on New Years Eve. I said I had nothing planned, and she asked me to baby sit for her brother that night, as she was going to a party… I agreed, but I have been a LOT more careful since before saying I have no plans!
I’m a 14 year old girl & im a freshman in highschool. I moved 3 times between New York and Pennsylvania and I have been back in New York for 5 years now. When i moved back to New York, i was 9 and in fourth grade, i was a huge tomboy back then & looking back, i think i was pretty weird. I made a lot of friends though immediately, and even met my bestfriend for what would be of 4 years. I even made another bestfriend in 5th grade. They’re both girls. Well my former bestfriend i met in 4th grade moved at the 7th grade to Pennsylvania and i tried to still stay close to her but she made no effort. I forgot about her because if she wants to just move and forget about the person who was there for her for 4 years then shes not a bestfriend. I’m still bestfriends with my friend since 5th grade. I made a lot of bestfriends in 8th grade and had a boyfriend for 10 months also. Long story short, they ended up being shitty friends so i told them im done with them, i rather have no friends than bad ones. i broke up with my boyfriend also but thats besides the point. Since then though, i cant seem to make a friend. i think i am a very good friend. I’m always there for my friends and dont talk about them behind their backs. i would bend over backwords for my bestfriend. im having such a hard time
I moved for most of my childhood. I remember having really good friends in elementary and by middle school and highschool things just went bad. I had a few "friends" which I felt like were only there because they just didnt want to be seen alone, as did I. And on Facebook I can see them still spending time together. I make contact but otherwise I am ignored. I moved after highschool and just started my last 2 years for my BA. I am in a class dedicated to research. So there are only about 10 of us, mostly girls. They all have known eachother already. At first they all seem really nice but then they start talking about how we should all get together but they invite eachother and I am standing right there, a part of the group and yet not included. I haven’t made on single good friend in all of the 3 years I have been here I have my husband but he doesnt mind that he doesn’t hang out with people, in fact he prefers it that way. I think I am nice and I am always, always willing to help people out, always friendly and helpful. But WHAT does it take to get someone to see you as a real friend?
i’m with you on this. Some women do get jealous… i find it very interesting how people are quick to comment about your post. Women are competitive and do perceive others.. more successful, pretty, settled or confident… as a threat at times. I’m not saying all women but it certainly happens. Perhaps people would find it easier to make friends if they weren’t so quick to jump on others ‘faults’.
For a site about friendship you think people would perhaps be a little kinder. I await the onslaught …
I’ve moved 13 times so far (and still counting), and I’m only 16! I can’t keep friendships going for some reason… and I swear, I put all my heart and effort into making them work! I’m just really lonely, and a non-existent social life is really detrimental to one’s ability to function healthily.
I am no exception.
Reading what all of you have written makes me sad. I so empathize with the dull ache of feeling that no one cares enough about you to be an active friend. I went to 10 different schools from grade K to 8. I am the 4th of 9 children. My mostly absent father died when I was 10. Only one member of my family contacts me. I have tried to help most of them when they needed help, even though I was a self-supporting single mother, and could barely get by myself. I think I am smart, capable, artistic, well read,
and not ugly of face or heart. Yet I do not have one friend to ask to go
shopping or to a musical or for a walk.
I am a very good cook, people show up for my meals, but do not invite me to their dinner parties. I am not single. I am 58 years old.
Most days I try to stay too busy to think about my loneliness, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming and I walk around being sad, trying to talk myself into remembering that I am a good person and that I do have love in my life, even if it is just my dog that loves me that day, at least something on this planet cares for me.
I wish I knew why others find me so disposable.
I also feel your pain
Facebook is not a good thing causes more trouble than it does good!
I also work midnights. I have ADD and I tend to express my feelings to freely. If people are annoying me I let them know. I have some sorta fiends. Some that will invite me to things occasionally but I don’t go.
I have more guy friends than girl friends. I would like some girl friends that call me on the phone just to talk. I haven’t had that for years. I had to
Cut ties with many friends about 14 years ago because my lifestyle changed (for the better). I do have one friend that if I want to alto her or do any thing I have to contact her. She never contacts me.
My family and I moved to several different states throughout my childhood until the age of 15. I made a few close friends after that, that I was able to hang on to, until I got divorced at age 36. All friends I had dumped me at that point. Now, I have not one single female friend. I have a boyfriend of 9 years now. My boyfriend has friends and we hang out with them, but, none of them ever talk to me except when we see them together as a couple. All the women of the group have girls nights, girls trips, girls weekends, etc., but I am not ever invited. I know they say you should always have your own friends, but at age 46, I don’t have the slightest idea how to find and make friends. I am not sure why they won’t include me but it makes me very sad. My point is that you are not alone and I feel your pain!
My family and I moved four times between two towns. So I was back and forth between 2 sets of friends. After a while I lost all my friends. I haven’t had a girlfriend since the 9th grade. I have tried to build friendships with other women. We would hang out have drinks and laugh all night. I would be so excited but then after a few days the texts stop and no other plans are made thereafter. My husband and I always hang out together but sometimes I just want some girl time. But for whatever reason girls just don’t want to pursue a friendship with me. I don’t know what goes wrong. Our husbands hang out while we hang out. I don’t speak to her husband directly much less look at him directly just in case she may take it wrong. I am very hospitable and we seem to have so much fun. But nothing ever comes of it. I’m sad over this and hope it changes soon! For all of us!
I cancelled my facebook page and I feel that the website is a big messy mess. I thought that it would keep me connected and gain relationships with family and friends, but that is not so. When certain family members get upset with you they post bad messages about you on there and they try to talk about you as the other person. Also I dislike when old high school classmates want to friend you on their page and they don’t even have nothing to say to you; they just want to see how you look and how you living. Majortity of the classmates that try to friend you was not even a part of your social circle in high school. Facebook is a website for people who like to broadcast their lifestyle and part of the incroud. I wasn’t popular in high school, but I knew a lot of people, I just wasn’t part of the incroud. Facebook for me is depressing and it is not for everybody.
liz wife mom and grandma
Thanks for the tip i will check it out!
This article that I wrote for Play Goes Strong lists some online resources that may be helpful to you.
See: http://play.lifegoesstrong.com/article/how-find-friends-click-mouse
Best, Irene
Sometimes i wish thier was a website like a dating site were you could find friends…it makes you feel so pathetic and alone! im 27 and the more time passes the harder it will probably be….i moved a couple times during my teenage years and the friends i did have i lost touch with..thier are girls at work but im never really included in anything, they make plans right in front of me and afterwards they will say oh you would of loved it you should of came, ummmm i wasent invited and maybe thats my problem maybe waiting to be invited isnt the answer but im not a bold invite myself kind of person so thierfore every weekend i spend it with my fiance and his friends the whole time thinking just once i would like to go out for drinks with women and have a conversation thats not loaded with testosterone! I recently got engaged and im forced to have a wedding with no wedding party because my fiance has 7 guys to choose from to stand and i have 0 women… my friendless state even makes me feel bad for my fiance casue i feel like i push some of my friendless sadness on him and expect to much from him…not even a million hobbies can distract me long enough, nothing can replace a friendship lord knows ive tried
I read about the first two sentences you wrote and pretty much just figured out why I don’t have any female friends….my Mom! I have a very superficial relationship with my Mom. Ever since I was a little girl, she would call me slut, horror, tell me how jealous she was of me, and to this day, she still calls me and my sister those things. She would purposely buy me ugly clothes, many forms of terrible emotional abuse…makes sense now I can’t seem to trust other women and make friends with women who are like her.
It is somewhat comforting knowing I’m not the only “friendless” lady around. In my case, I feel people judge me as not pretty enough to be friends with. Also I have no children that I could set up play dates with and get to know their mothers. Another thing is, we’ve struggled so much financially it’s kinda hard to go out to dinner or something fun. Craigslist platonic section is a joke. It’s hard & I just knew what I could do to change things.
I also have a hard time being on facebook. I saw my old high school friends still hanging out, and adding recent pictures. I haven’t had a friend that just wanted friendship since. I felt so bad that I deleted my account. I am an introvert and was also moved all around Dallas, then all over Colorado as a child. I was then talked into joining the military by my mother. I became depressed and didn’t stay for long. That didn’t help much either…
Wow! you sound just like me! I could have written this same post…I’m told I’m perky, cute, friendly…but can’t seem to connect with others in a meaningful way. I try to be approachable and I’ll tell you, I’m so tired of trying to be positive…while I watch women all around me connecting so easily. My daughters seem to have this same pattern, which has me pretty down because I vowed to really try to make it different for them. I moved often as a child, have always thought that may have been a contributing factor. Thanks so much for your candor, I don’t feel so alone!
Take care!
wow, so many lonely folks. you would think it comforting to know that you’re not alone, but it isn’t, it’s just sad. i am in my mid 50′s and find that i too have no friendships, outside of my husband and aunt. i am told that i am perky, smart, kind, but no friends. i did not have a abusive upbringing, but we did move several times, at critical ages AND i’m an introvert. neither of my parents were social, so this apple did not fall far from the tree. unfortunately our daughter, who is attractive and smart, is continuing the family tradition of hermitage.
SO lots of sad states here WHAT can we do about it?
there are dating sites, how about a friendship site?
I was sitting home alone… on a Friday night… thinking how depressing my life is. I too was moved several times during my childhood. My father is not present in my life. He choose drugs over me. My mom is around, but we are not as close as I would like to be. I have one friend, who has MANY friends, slighlty jealous of her. I can’t keep a relationship for nothing – I always find a way for an out because I am too scared to love. Work is my social life. I hate when weekends come. There was a time when I had a big group of friends, but like above, they never called me & often get together. Now, I speak to none of them. I am told I am witty, funny, have a big heart, but no one seems to want me around. I got rid of facebook because I too felt depressed when I seen people out having fun. I am in my mid 20s & feel like I have nothing. I’m okay with being alone, but I long for someones arms around me telling me I am needed and wanted. Growing up, I envied other girls whose parents were together. My biggest fear is rejection. I have made choices, that at the time, felt right, but now, I see they were wrong. Why can’t I have what others have? Why can’t I be wanted like others are? Depression has hung over me heavy in the last few years. I’m to the point where I just want to give up. Run Away. Start Over. I have one strong tie here, my son. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be gone. I just want help & don’t know where to turn. I will be honest, I am not liked by a lot of people & it kills my soul. I blame my mother for my upbringing. She could have stayed put. She was giving that opportunity, but not me. I’ve been through multi dads. I never feel satisfied & can’t figure out why. I’m just glad I ran into this blog & seen I’m not alone.
Hey your not alone, when I read this I felt like I was reading my own story. You sound like a strong person like myself. I have 3 children and have been married 20 years.. I am far from my hometown and have been for 15 years
– guess it’s therir loss that they haven’t met us. All the best to you. Lisa in Canada
I am 51 years old, married with 2 children (21 and 16). I, too, feel that I can’t find meaningful friendships. I have ‘work’ friends, who I enjoy being with. But we rarely see each other outside of work. Why is everyone so ‘busy’? How busy can everyone be? I am so sick of that excuse. The way I see it, is if you really want to spend time with someone you’ll find a way. If it’s not important, you find an excuse. Its gotten to the point where I’d rather have someone be honest with me and tell me they just would rather not spend time with me than to tell me they’re busy. Do you know how sad and pathetic it is not having anyone to write down as an ‘emergency contact’ on my daughter’s school forms? If I ever had an emergency at 3am, and needed help, I really don’t think I’d have anyone I’d feel comfortable enough to call who would really help me. Sad, isn’t it. Sure, we’ll ‘get together and do lunch”….still waiting. I’ve made the first move several times. After that, I feel like I’m just chasing someone who perhaps doesn’t want to be chased. At that point I’d rather be alone anyway. Why is it so hard to find a good friend? Everyone just seems so self absorbed in their own lives. I always wind up being the listener in every conversation. I feel no one wants to hear my problems, so I’m always the listener. Well, if anyone is reading this, thanks for listening! It’s a nice change finally getting this off my chest.
You just told my story! Last week I sat on the couch with a bad pain in my chest and with 2 sisters, 1 brother, 1 brother-in-law, 4 nieces, one niece’s boyfriend all within 3 miles and no friends—I didn’t know who to call for help. To all of them I’m disposable too. I not only can’t make trusted friends, I can’t even call my relatives “family”. When did the “caring for each other” go away? We’re all so disconnected from each other that we find ourselves desparately searching for something to fill our souls. How do we do that in this “me”,”me”,”me” world? I think that less Texting, FB and Twitter and maybe we could make “eye contact” with someone. Won’t they be suprised when they find out somebody else is on their planet!!!LOL Sorry. I went off topic.
I can really relate to what you are saying. I know the most sourest of women who have many friends – women who do nothing but complain about their kids and having to drive them to activities etc. I don’t get it! Sometimes I wonder if complaining about your kids is the cool, trendy thing to do, but I don’t believe in doing that and think it is stupid. I am a happy mother of a wonderful, happy 14 year old boy whom I never complain about to others. I am always delighted to take him to his various activities, but somehow that just doesn’t cut it. I try to appear positive and upbeat, that doesn’t cut it either. My husband says I should dress more fashionably, but I think most of the time I dress like every other woman I know… and better than some women I know who have tons of friends. Yes, there are a lot of trashy-looking and seeming women who have many friends, so that can’t be it either. I am a bit overweight as well, but several years ago, I lost a lot of weight and was very slim, but still did not gain any friends because of it. I don’t’ understand why this is SO much work!!!
Yes, there is definitely creepy/stalker element to Facebook that really bothers me. And I can definitely relate to feeling depressed when I read about Facebook friends fun times out partying with and going out to dinner with their “Real” live women friends.
I don’t’ like Facebook either. I do have a page, but I find it more frustrating and depressing than necessary. I get hung up on why certain acquaintances or relatives do not “Friend” me or why certain people get more responses than I. I thought getting a Facebook page would make me feel more connected to people, but it usually accomplishes the opposite. It is only once a year on when people come out of the woodwork to wish me “Happy Birthday” on Facebook that I feel connected to others, but most of the time I find the whole thing just phony and insincere
I can definitely relate to what you are saying. I try to do all the “right” things and they don’t help. I reach out to women who I would like to connect with and get burned. I have been betrayed by women so SO many times, I have lost count. My husband attempts to help me, says I should dress more fashionable, but it appears as if I dress like every other woman I know..at least for every day. Besides, he’s the one who should talk. He is a very sloppy dresser, is short and overweight but seems to have this ability to draw people to him. I am a bit overweight and my clothes don’t fit me as well as they should, but I know tons of women who dress worse than I and are much more overweight than I and have a network of friends. I also appear positive, always have a smile on my face, but still nothing. I know women with the most sourest of dispositions and who do nothing but complain about their kids, etc and they are well-liked. It almost seems that it’s socially appropriate to complain about your kids and having to take them places etc., I don’t get that at all. I seem to be in the minority of mothers who actually enjoys taking my kid to events, activities. I’m delighted to be the mother of a happy teenage son. If that sets me apart from other mothers, I really don’t get it!!!
Hello, I am 47 and I could be your friend if you would let me. I want a best friend and have never really had one. We can write to each other for a start.
Hello I am 46 and relate very much to your experience. I wish we could be friends.
Reading your post, there is no douth that you have trust issues and you shield yourself from hurt and/or rejection by being forceful. I didn’t have an abusive childhood. Never really been abused, but my friend list is about non exsistant. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to validate myself and like the life I have. Everyone has a talent or passion. Volunteer, take an art class, or anything that you have an interest in. The good thing is that you’ll meet like minded people that share the same interest as you. It’s never too late to meet a friend if you want to. Just say to yourself that if you were meant to have friends in the past, you would have had them. You have a purpose on this earth, you just have to love yourself enough to find out what it is…
I’m in my early forties and have been told that I’m an attractive woman by other’s. Part is due to gene’s and the other I guess because I take care of myself. My problem with women stems around the same issue with co workers and women in general. Seems like the harder I try to be kind and approcable, the more they seem to repel. Due to marriage, I moved on a small island that has a couple of military communities and the islander’s are very close knit, everyone knows everyone. I’m considered an outsider that grabbed one of their own (my husband), even though I met him in another state. Anyway, I’ve found that you can’t change people who don’t want to change. You can’t make other’s like you. You can only make sure you treat other’s the way you would want to be treated and at the end of the day, thank God for those who love you and accept you for who you are.
The grass is not always greener. I see plenty of women together…doesn’t mean they are best friends or get along all the time. I am 58. Find that as time goes on, it is harder and harder to meet ANYone of substance, be they young or old. I feel kind of old myself to be on the look-out for new friends. It can be very hard and lonely sometimes.
I found FB to be terribly undermining for me. Either I wasn’t doing anything that fabulous or if I did post, it seemed it never was hit on much. Just kinds hung there like a one sided conversation. I think for myself, I can write in sorta a colorful manner and FB is more cut and dry than that…. Im too wordy you could say. So I cancelled my account and don’t miss the drama of it all at all. And I’ve since read that it really is a damaging format where people can cast themselves in any light they want and for we whose feelings run a bit closer to the bone, it results in making us feel worse…….
Honestly it doesn’t always bother me maybe due to the fact that I grew up an only child and am used to being alone.I also suspect that I either have a form of aspergers or schizoid personality disorder(please don’t confuse it with schizophernia its totally different).I think it only gets to me when I see people checking in places and the photos of them out having a good time,starts to make me feel bad about myself.It also doesn’t help that I have been working nights weekends for the last 12 years which also works a little bit against me.
I love all of the responses on here!!!I try not to waste the energy in my head about her but it was just that she kinda opened up a can of worms that I keep in the back of my mind.Like others have said,I have no problem making friends with guys but can’t do when you’re married but actually in my case,soon to be divorced probably by next year..I always thought I would have more friends if I had kids but I am floored as I read some of the posts on here of some of you with kids that have a hard time having friends.
There are two women I work with who are plain looking and larger women. Both intelligent and good at their jobs I appreciated their friendship. As I’m writing in a “lack of making friends” blog, obviously making friends is an issue for me and I have very low self esteem. But I’ve always been told I’m very attractive and I’m a runner so I’m in shape.
Anyways, these women over the years have been very rude to me at times and seemed to get a kick out of getting a rise out of me. Again, low self confidence makes me second almost everything I do and say and it hurt…. A lot. My husband called them toxic friends but I was troubled by WHY were they like this to me? Other women weren’t.
Then last year, I transferred to another department and was talking to two other women on separate occasions who also worked with me and the subject of how these two treated me at times came up. And both said these women were extremely nasty to me as they witnessed it and one always was saying things behind my back about me. When I sincerely asked why they thought it happened they said: “Because you’re very attractive and well liked and they are jealous of you because of it.”
And the one even said her very personable, wonderful, kind hearted and attractive daughter has had other women treat her the same way.
I’m sad that other women can be like this when I was never rude or judgmental of these friends …..EVER!
And I’m happy not to be around them anymore. But it’s their loss. I care about how people treat others not how they look.
I agree. This board is full of well spoken, intelligent, interesting women who all seem to lack a connection to other women! What gives? I know my problem is encased in a birth family of destructive personalities. And being at the younger end of a large family, I received a highly concentrated level of neglectful, abusive, nasty, self-esteem crushing treatment. But I told myself I would get through it all and not be the mother I had or raise my kids in such chaos. But external features are easy; I was lacking the emotional component and had no examples of how you act with friends. So I’m just an oddball and who wants to hang out with that?
So I sit alone in my house (summers off –school personnel) and surf the Internet trying to find ways to fix myself, walk everyday in a park, have my kids and grand kids over and clean a lot!
I really think I could live as a hermit at this point of my life. 54 is way too old to go searching out best friends; seems all the women my age who have them have had them for life…..
I wish I did…I often find myself watching women in store shopping or restaurants together and kinda die a little inside when I see what I missed…..
I know EXACTLY what you mean here.. Not to sound cocky .. but, girls have been jealous of me my entire life!! starting in middle school (6th grade.) maybe even before that? I was just to naive to see it.
I was always a ‘mature’ girl, I hit puberty in 6th grade! (boobies) and was soooo embarrassed by them, and refused to play in P.E because kickball meant that I had to run, and women know, boobies, and running means lots of bouncing!
as an 11 year old child, I didn’t like it, nor did I like the negative attention, I was called Mt. St. Helens, Twin Peaks, and on and on. I HATED it. AND on top if it, my mom was a hairdresser, so I had access to hair products, as well as nail care, polish, and make up.. and I would doodie up and have different colour hair weekly, and my nails were a different colour almost every other day! Not because I wanted to out do anyone, or show off.. but simply because I had all these pretties to play with, and I would stay at the beauty salon with my Momma daily, so what else could I do, but play in the make up and stuff.
Up till I was in 4th grade, I went to 7 different schools (we moved A LOT- got evicted) and I do absolutely blame my parents. .. if people are gonna have kids, then they should be able to afford to feed/raise them with out the help of others, or using money that somebody else worked hard for.
It was then when I was in 4th grade, my momma went to beauty school, and after 9 months of that, she finally got a job. and we lived in the same place till I turned 16.. another story. but even then, I went to 5 different schools. It was very hard for me to make friends, I was shy, insecure, and had no real positive up bringing.. so I just kept my mouth shut, and tried my best (I was always behind in my studies because of moving so much, I never could get to a stable place in my life. but because I was shy, and kept quiet, I got a reputation of being snotty, and stuck up .. I was not that at all, I wanted/needed friends more than ever.
When I was in 8th grade, I failed, and had to repeat.. but I got made fun of, and this one girl (who I later found out was completely jealous of me (found her on facebook, and she named her first daughter after me!) LOL
anyways, she tormented the hell out of me! bullied me daily, talked about me, laughed at me, made fun of the fact that I would wear my same clothing to school 2 and 3 days in a row (we were poor, I didn’t have many clothes) I cried daily… and I hated my own self.
I finally quit school……….. it was the biggest mistake, but at least I was free from the bullying… several months later I met a guy, and 3 months after that, I got married. ……. another story.. but I have been loyal, and married for many, many, many years now, my kids are grown, and here I am, still friendless. I am a good person, I donate to charities, and to animal shelters, I *Use* to go to church.. but I felt even there, nobody cared about me.
I went to the DR for high blood pressure, and they told me I was depressed, and had me see another ‘head’ Dr, long story short- I suffer Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality, and Abandonment issues… ALL of which was caused by all my child hood trauma ( not physically abused, just severely neglected, and left at home many times with no food for several days at a time.
My Mother was Bi-polar, and after 35 yrs of my life time, I met a sister, that I have never even seen, and she too is Bi-polar. (I cant stand to be around her, because all she talks about are her BRATTY kids, they are MONSTORS!) rude and obnoxious .. my kids were never like that. and I refuse to go around her and her endless drinking, I do not drink or smoke.. wish I did, then at least I would have something to do.
anyways, I guess I am typing too much, forgive me.. I just found this thread, I was doing a search as how people on face book have so many friends? some folks have 2 and 3 thousand friends. I don;t even have one. I mostly just joined to support groups that I like and believe in.. and have a couple on my list that share in the same ‘likes’
But in reality, I have not even one single pal, I don’t feel sorry for myself… but I do feel angry in my heart that I was not given the opportunity to grow, and function normally and go to school with out being picked on, and have a decent home life.l
I tried to do better for my kids, and I think they are going to be alright.
as for me, I keep busy in my home, and try to read online, and stay busy doing gardening, and sewing.. as I have no real life outside of my front door, the most I do when I do go out my door is go to the grocery store, and or the bank. that’s it. as for other family? I have none, both of my parents have passed away, and I have no grandparents, I think my mommas sister is still around, but I have not seen or talked to any of them in 27 years. my family was VERY dysfunctional. Ok I’m sorry this was long.
me
I know EXACTLY what you mean here.. Not to sound cocky .. but, girls have been jealous of me my entire life!! starting in middle school (6th grade.) maybe even before that? I was just to naive to see it.
I was always a ‘mature’ girl, I hit puberty in 6th grade! (boobies) and was soooo embarrassed by them, and refused to play in P.E because kickball meant that I had to run, and women know, boobies, and running means lots of bouncing!
as an 11 year old child, I didn’t like it, nor did I like the negative attention, I was called Mt. St. Helens, Twin Peaks, and on and on. I HATED it. AND on top if it, my mom was a hairdresser, so I had access to hair products, as well as nail care, polish, and make up.. and I would doodie up and have different colour hair weekly, and my nails were a different colour almost every other day! Not because I wanted to out do anyone, or show off.. but simply because I had all these pretties to play with, and I would stay at the beauty salon with my Momma daily, so what else could I do, but play in the make up and stuff.
Up till I was in 4th grade, I went to 7 different schools (we moved A LOT- got evicted) and I do absolutely blame my parents. .. if people are gonna have kids, then they should be able to afford to feed/raise them with out the help of others, or using money that somebody else worked hard for.
It was then when I was in 4th grade, my momma went to beauty school, and after 9 months of that, she finally got a job. and we lived in the same place till I turned 16.. another story. but even then, I went to 5 different schools. It was very hard for me to make friends, I was shy, insecure, and had no real positive up bringing.. so I just kept my mouth shut, and tried my best (I was always behind in my studies because of moving so much, I never could get to a stable place in my life. but because I was shy, and kept quiet, I got a reputation of being snotty, and stuck up .. I was not that at all, I wanted/needed friends more than ever.
When I was in 8th grade, I failed, and had to repeat.. but I got made fun of, and this one girl (who I later found out was completely jealous of me (found her on facebook, and she named her first daughter after me!) LOL
anyways, she tormented the hell out of me! bullied me daily, talked about me, laughed at me, made fun of the fact that I would wear my same clothing to school 2 and 3 days in a row (we were poor, I didn’t have many clothes) I cried daily… and I hated my own self.
I finally quit school……….. it was the biggest mistake, but at least I was free from the bullying… several months later I met a guy, and 3 months after that, I got married. ……. another story.. but I have been loyal, and married for many, many, many years now, my kids are grown, and here I am, still friendless. I am a good person, I donate to charities, and to animal shelters, I *Use* to go to church.. but I felt even there, nobody cared about me.
I went to the DR for high blood pressure, and they told me I was depressed, and had me see another ‘head’ Dr, long story short- I suffer Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality, and Abandonment issues… ALL of which was caused by all my child hood trauma ( not physically abused, just severely neglected, and left at home many times with no food for several days at a time.
My Mother was Bi-polar, and after 35 yrs of my life time, I met a sister, that I have never even seen, and she too is Bi-polar. (I cant stand to be around her, because all she talks about are her BRATTY kids, they are MONSTORS!) rude and obnoxious .. my kids were never like that. and I refuse to go around her and her endless drinking, I do not drink or smoke.. wish I did, then at least I would have something to do.
anyways, I guess I am typing too much, forgive me.. I just found this thread, I was doing a search as how people on face book have so many friends? some folks have 2 and 3 thousand friends. I don;t even have one. I mostly just joined to support groups that I like and believe in.. and have a couple on my list that share in the same ‘likes’
But in reality, I have not even one single pal, I don’t feel sorry for myself… but I do feel angry in my heart that I was not given the opportunity to grow, and function normally and go to school with out being picked on, and have a decent home life.l
I tried to do better for my kids, and I think they are going to be alright.
as for me, I keep busy in my home, and try to read online, and stay busy doing gardening, and sewing.. as I have no real life outside of my front door, the most I do when I do go out my door is go to the grocery store, and or the bank. that’s it. as for other family? I have none, both of my parents have passed away, and I have no grandparents, I think my mommas sister is still around, but I have not seen or talked to any of them in 27 years. my family was VERY dysfunctional. Ok I’m sorry this was long.
sincerely, – me
I don’t know anyone who has a holier than thou attitude toward people who have more money and I don’t know anyone who hates the rich. I know the Fox News channel and its kind talks about people who hate the rich. That’s a bigger brush stroke than what I was talking about. The people I know (my job and volunteer work is in social services areas) are too worried sick about finding a job, keeping a job, making do with having been downsized, furloughed, etc., to expend energy hating people with money. If you have personally known people, incluiding friends, who say they hate people with money and are holier than thou, that’s a shame. Living well beneath one’s means is often or many times not simply enough to weather financial storms. It simply is not. If you don’t have much to begin with, and not because you have lived beyond your means but because you are in a low paying field (teaching school in some areas comes to mind), you can be wiped out. As far as holier than thou, come to think of it,, I actually have experienced that, but it’s from people with money toward people who don’t have much. The attitude is that of, "If people didn’t live beyond their means, they wouldn’t have these hardships."
Of course not everyone who is poor or just getting by is because they didn’t save. I was talking about the holier than though attitude many people have towards people who do have some money put away. The hate the rich mentality seems to be hurting the haters most. GE keeps all it’s profits overseas, and paid zero income tax. That is far bigger scam than the rich keeping 60% of their income.
My husband was laid off work twice in the past. We’ve had many hardships like anyone else. We’ve also been lucky here and there, but if we hadn’t lived well beneath our means over the years I’m sure we would be in far worse shape financially now. I hope you have a brighter future too.
Sometimes you have to wonder what goes through these ladies heads but then again it’s best just to spend time in yours and try to not let their bs get your goat, cause that’s what they want – thist can be hard when you have to deal with it every day at work. Be neutral with this lady – you don’t have to like her, you don’t have to hate her because that is a waste of your time and not using your energy in a constructive manner. I’ve learned this from spending way too much time and energy invested in co-workers issues. There is a good saying don’t give a person who is not of value in your life free rent in your head, spend time with your pet instead; or if someone gives you crap, don’t put it in your heart, put it in your fart. Learn as much as you can even from a person who is pissing you off, and don’t react to them or spend too much time thinking of them outside of work. And have boundaries where you don’t take their crap either yet do so in a civil way so there is no drama. So it sounds like you behaved in a classy civil way to deal with the situation.
To make it worse,I have been there years longer than her but she is my head bartender. Believe me I’m not trying to sound full iof myself here but I just have to remember things like I’m thinner and much more attractive than she is as this is probably another fine example of jealousy also
Don’t feel bad about saying no and sticking with it – by saying what she did it shows your co-worker is a manipulative person, don’t allow the guilt. Her comment is a reflection of her own negativity – and also shows to you and others that she is a real beyotch for making this comment. What you did on your day off is none of her business – she was trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty so to have power in this situation is to not feel bad.
A good book that might be of interest to you is Who’s Pulling Your Strings by Harriet B Braiker.
yeah she was probably just mad I wouldn’t take her crappy shift for her(I work in the food and beverage business).What really made me furious is that the week before she had mention possibly swtiching but realized that wouldn’t have worked for her and didn’t want to give that day away either because she didn’t want to lose the hours so I didn’t expect to hear from her.In other words,had she asked me the week before,I would had said yes and I even said something tio the fact had she not waited until the day of and this has happened several times.
Your coworker sounds like an ass. I sympathize. What did you say when she said, “I knew she didn’t have plans”? Who did she say that to? This sounds to me like a good example of following the “don’t apologize, don’t explain” rule. I’ve seen this rule when people give advice about setting boundaries and “just saying no.” It sounds like actually you did merely state, “I have plans.” And that’s all you need to say. I have a coworker who plays on the Internet all day; then, when she realizes she’s beyond on her real work, she tries to pawn it off on me. She stands and stares down at me while I’m sitting and states, with a “I dare you to say no” stare, “I’ve got a lot to do. I need you to do this project.” She is NOT above me in the department. I told her I had a full plate. She stalked away and tried to glare me down afterward. I ignored her. And that was that. Some people at work at assholes, pure and simple.
or nothing to do I should had said
The nerve of my co-worker who once again calls me the day of her shift for me to work and I hate last minute so I told her I had plans.When I saw her 2 days later,she had the nerve to ask what I did that day and I hesitated.She was then like,I knew she didn’t have plans meaning me.The just really hurt.It was like her saying I know you have no friends.First of all I didn’t want to give up my free Zumba class which is probably the only thing I remotely fun thing I do all week.Second and most of all,it was the 1st time in 6 months that I had 4 days off in row and wanted to keep it that way,so those are plans as far as I am concerned.Just because I don’t have a social doesn’t mean I won’t do some things alone GRRRRRR!!!
In this economic climate may I suggest you open up your thoughts and attitudes about people who are less well off? Economic health, poor health, that is, isn’t entirely or always because people didn’t save for years, invest uncarefully, or live above their means and didn’t sacrifice. I have known plenty of people who did all that you say you did and still lose jobs and have the rug yanked under them. It’s shocking to me that in these times some people still think those less well off are that way because of poor planning or living beyond their means. Investments went south for so many people, not their fault.
Yes, women are often jealous. I’ve had single women flirt with my husband right in front of me! They seem pissed off that I got to him first or something. He’s nice but I think they mostly want him because he’s not available.
Or when I’m around women who are less well off who act like their poverty makes them morally superior. This hate the rich mentality is sad. I saved for years, renovated houses myself, invested carefully, always lived beneath my means. It takes a long time of sacrifice.
I know the popular women enjoy gossiping about other women when they get together. Just like high school. The meaner girls get more attention. I have heard some amazingly petty conversations and I probably acted like I just had better things to do. Having children can be fun but I don’t want to hear about your child’s moment to moment experience of life. Your kid is less interesting than your cute dog.
I have no problem talking with men. Always had men friends. But it’s not like you can just go out to dinner and a movie with a male friend if you’re married.
This board just a place to rant ? as there is no way to contact each other sadly. Could probably find a lot of interesting people here that would make great friends if there were a way to communicate. Anyone looking for a potential great friend, here I am, funny, silly, creative artist, 50′s, healthy, adventurous, happy to pick up the tab at lunch! Let’s go have some fun!….If you’re game email me.
Hi Anonomous,
Im the same way as you,
Im 52 a man good health, nice looking,personable,senseof humor,romantic,
does anyone care,,,,???
Noooooo.
not macho, not a sports freak, likes old dirt bikes some travel,share things like museum’s and walking and talking,
affectionate,would sit with you and feed you cherries or chips and salsa looking at you,then do it at home too. full hair,small glass’s,
everyones married or with someone in small town’s in the midwest,
laying on the grass on a blanket looking at the star’s on a nice night,
I guess this stuff dont appeal to ones anymore, like to try different places to eat, like to BBQ,,im ok at it,nothing special,
alot of people here in town are either arrogant, or no scruples,
i was just out on this 750 Vulcan I have, and went for a ride,stopped for a pepsi,and then came home,no one around to even talk to.
Im here if you wanna talk, im a good listener,
Hope to hear from you ok?
K,C,
I could have written what you wrote! I’m constantly questioning myself…I”m in my late 30s, reasonably attractive, have a very successful husband, and 2 incredible young children. We’ve been in town for several years and my kids have just entered the school system. I have met many people this year but have been questioning myself constantly. I’ve questioned if my home is too big…am I too attractive…do I talk to much…not enough….do I talk about the wrong things…..constantly feel as if I am always the one doing the inviting and nobody reciprocates. Am I too sensitive? Am I overanalyzing? I wish I had an answer for you. It makes me very sad because I feel as if I’m always making bad choices in friends/ people. I think it takes time to develop friendships…I think you need to keep your head up and keep trying. There will be a diamond in the rough that will reciprocate and that is the person you concentrate on. Its easy to make mistakes and concentrate on the wrong people..I have done it…happens to me all the time…but I won’t give up and you shouldn’t either!!
I feel bad you are playing the “what’s wrong with me?” game. I’ve done that to. Now I don’t. But I’m not a young mother with kids, so this isn’t about me. My kid sister is your age with 5 kids and has moved cross country several times because of her husband’s job. She and he are very religious, so their first thing when they move is to find a church asap and join it, and join the various groups in the church for parents with kids, volunteer. They seem to just jump in, not question or hold back. Unlike me, who holds back, analyzes and watches before putting a toe into the water, because basically I am ambivalent about socializing with people, they think jumping in and socializing is like breathing air, something they want to do and do do. So I think that makes them inherently always wanting to say and do what the group says and does. Obviously they don’t do or say something that’s against their beliefs. But … I have seen them suddenly become football fans and go to superbowl parties when they’ve lived in football fan towns. And never mention football when they’ve lived in non football fan towns. “When in Rome …” is how they live. And I know other people, non church goers, who move away and they seem to quickly connect with others too. But again they seem to me to just jump in and connect with any and everyone. I have no clue if this is the answer. I think for me it is. I am too reticent. Maybe you are too. But I hate for you to think that your problems stem from not being “enough” as in not being thin enough or smart enough or whatever. I hope others here can chime in and help with their thoughts. You sound nice and like you have a lot to offer. Maybe you should just not pay attention to the new neighbor and her girls night out stuff. In other words, don’t compare yourself. For all you know, she might have a connection to those other women that you don’t know about. Or they might be awful people that you wouldn’t like. We never know what is truly going on on the other side, on the side that seems greener than ours.
I’m so happy this board exists. I’m a 40 yo SAHM of 3 young children, semi-decent looking, average build, married to a physician, have my kids involved in many activities, go to the gym, and I still can’t make any friends. It kills me to hear that my neighbor who has only been here for for a few months has “moms night out” with new moms that she’s met, and I’ve been here since 2000! Frankly, it’s depressing! I often wonder what is wrong with me. I once thought is it because I’m not thin enough, or not decent looking enough, but there are trashy people out there with tons of friends, so that’s not it. I once thought, is it because I’m not up on the latest reads or latest shows that I am not interesting to talk to? Well, with 3 kiddos keeping me busy, when do I have to time to read anything other than to them! I once thought, am I not intelligent enough? I graduated high school, went to art college for a year or two but never graduated b/c my parents divorce hit me hard, so I ended up getting a decent job. I also went to business school and got certifications, but that shouldn’t matter! People who dropped out of high school have more friends then me! I’m a very positive person, so I don’t get it. Sometimes I can be a bit shy when meeting new people, but I suck it up and try my hardest to get over that and keep trudging on. Do I end up saying something stupid that I’m unaware of? Who knows! Another thing I’m sick of is always making the effort when nobody else does. I’m tired of being the one to ask for the playdates or get-togethers. Nobody ever approaches me and says hey, let’s go out for drinks and a chick flick (again like my neighbor). Why does it have to be so much work on my end! I also keep my head held high when walking into a room (even though I want to bury my head in the sand with my shyness), and always smile and people who pass by. So even though I’m giving it the old college try, it doesn’t work! So my subject of “all over the map” describes everything that I’ve tried with no success. Very sad!
I’m more introvert than extrovert. Very comfortable being alone. Too comfortable. I’m neither confident, secure, nor mature. Just happen to need to be alone, where I often hide from people. I hate being criticized, judged, so I’d rather go home alone to lick my wounds than risk being around people who might not always be supportive or act how I want and need them to act. I do know some people who seem to need people around all the time, but in their case they seem to simply thrive on the energy from others. And they are secure enough to not let the little slings and arrows of others deter them from being around people.
I agree completely. I am an introvert and happy, but it seems that many people need to continually be around people. I think it is a sign of insecurity. I think that to be comfortable all alone is a sign of confidence, maturity and security.
Thanks for the reply. I will just keep trying…fluff off the ‘dis at work and pursue things in my neighborhood or church. I actually just was made aware of something on line called “meet up” so perhaps I will try that avenue. BTW – Firday nights with kitty, a good book and movie and a glass of wine are really not so bad!
To begin, I too have always struggled with girlfriends “sticking” and have reflected and dissected and revisited countless relationships to see where they fell down. And one conclusion I leaned towards was my never moving far from my birth town and as a result, I felt it left me narrow-minded and stunted in my outlook on life. But you have moved numerous times and yet are at the same point as me. Interesting. I guess I can discount THAT theory! Your part about lack of female direction is a strong possibility as my family is heavily dominated by males left and right. The two females in my childhood, my mother and sister, were very standoffish so feelings as a young girl were not discussed. As I find myself talking too much and sharing things too quickly and recalling the look in a friend’s eyes that said : ” this chick’s whacked” , yet I continued, I do realize there is a place somewhere in my soul that just wants people to like me for who I am. Yet, I can not find the formula that works for me. I know all of us as humans go through life carrying some emotional heartache that is ours alone. I guess mine is the fact I’ll never fit in as a “normal” in my own gender.
I’ve always had a hard time making girlfriends and keeping them. I don’t have as hard of a time with men. I’ve always felt more comfortable around men probably because my Dad did the majority of parenting me after my parents divorced. I’ve always had a tense relationship with my mother which is why I find it so hard to relate well to women. I had girlfriends growing up but i went to 5 different elementary schools on 2 different coasts and so from an early age I didn’t keep friends for long. Friendship and loss went hand in hand.
In my 20′s and 30′s girlfriends came in and out of my life and I lived in 5 different states. I’ve lived in the same place now for 14 years and I go through girlfriends quickly. Most of the friendships develop and then something happens….either they betray me in some way and I find my expectations of them aren’t met and I cut them out of my life…. or they disapprove of something I did and they leave the relationship….some of my friendships are circumstantial and they never grow into true friendships. Many of the women I have become closest to have moved out of the area and so maintaining the closeness is difficult.
I also just got out of a 2 year relationship and so of course I feel more lonely and wish I had a stronger support system of women friends.
You sound perfectly nice; from what you’ve written and how you’ve expressed yourself, I don’t see any reason why you’re without friends at this time. But I would say don’t give up; just keep moving when you are tempted to invite that silly cubicle mate to do something after work or go to lunch. Move on. There are better fish out there, who will appreciate you. It just takes looking around, farther and wider. Not that I am incredibly successful. I’ve just gotten very used to not making much of an effort, and a little bit of fellowship goes a long way with me. I’m also a little cranky toward people who might seem to reject me for no good reason. I mean, I feel, “Eff you, if I’m not good enough for you.” And I move on. Moving on alas often means sitting home with my dogs and books. But it’s better than being tolerated by people who don’t seem to appreciate me. i’m sorry you’re also going through a breakup at this time without a girlfriend you can call. If there are any long distance friends you have, maybe you could reach out and let them know you could use a friend right now. You never know. Sometimes people surprise you. Take care, don’t despair, and don’t give up.
So it’s Friday evening, my son is off to his Dad’s house (it’s Dad’s weekend – I am divorced from a social butterfly for going on 12 years. ) and as usual….I am sitting here wondering why I don’t have a close friend to call and hang out with. Like the “Embracing the Hermit Life” post….I seem to have all the right makings of someone to have a decent amount of friends – fairly educated (though bachelors degree only), decent job, attractive by what others tell me, have exceptionally good oral hygiene, traveled, done some cool stuff in my life…so what gives? Women just seem to HATE me. For example, I just started a new job and noticed some issues that I could relate to with the other women there, and I have said numerous times – hey – does anyone go out for drinks after work or lunch or something? Well, the amount of cringing that resulted, one would have thought I’d have just asked them for their kidney or something! I just don’t get it….but I am guessing in my case is that maybe in the beginning of friendships, or getting to know other women, I am so hungry for friendship that maybe I try to be too nice….then when I try to assert some boundaries, then all of a sudden I am not acceptable. I was just crushed today (sort of…) – I’ve been asking about lunches or after work drinks for a while and my cube mate calls over to another co-worker – “see you at 4:00 tomorrow for dinner, so and so{ which she calls a cute little nick name play of her real name} and then proceeds to ask the 22 yr old summer co-op if she would like to go (never mind the 30 year age difference) and doesn’t invite me. I felt like – wow – that’s COLD. Whatever. Truthfully, I’d probably have a better time at home with my kitty, sipping wine, and reading a good book. But still…I can’t understand why no female wants to befriend me! I think it was C.S. Lewis who said, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one!” By this account, I should have several good friends, yet, the one person that I feel like I have this shared experience with, keeps me at a distance as someone that is only acceptable to talk to in the company lunch room. It’s really frustrating.
Perhaps I am just feeling that more frustrated this weekend as I am in the process of ending an almost 10 year relationship with a boyfriend and am feeling acutely lonely right now but sooooo don’t want to call him and wish I had at least one other person to call – not a man…because for the time being I am done with that – I really just want a friend, not a boyfriend!
I do tend to beat myself up a lot and your grandma was right, it does take all kinds but I always feel like the bad kind! After reading your story, what do you think is the basis of your own “which came first, the introversion or the lack of fitting in”?
For me, I think it solely lies in my lack of social skills and healthy interaction with others at a young age along with a heavy dose of guilt and distrust and low self esteem. One can’t feel good about themselves when they were ridiculed from a young age. My self portrait would have me looking like a two- headed gargoyle when I’ve always been told I’m attractive. And when I hear that, I insult myself! Can’t have mean sadistic older brothers calling you every ugly name in the book and not have them stick in your hard drive…*sigh* my pity party needs to come to a close; just wish I knew how!
Everything else you said I agree with 100 percent and could have written myself: the fakes, the social climbers, the takers, the Facebook/ cell phone addicted plastic people who look only at the surface and anything past their norm is off-limits/odd…. And there we sit lonely but interesting people just looking for a flock of the same. Ever feel like the ugly duckling? (:
Aw girl, don’t let it get you down too much. My granny used to always tell me, “It takes all kinds to make the world go round”, and I have found that to be true. My son is well on his way to being like my husband, a total social butterfly. My daughter is like you described your girls, aloof and shy. I feel more comfortable just being alone because it crushes me to try and try and get no result every time.
Some of the folks with tons of friends seem like real jerks to me, but maybe that’s what people like? I’ll pass if that’s the case. Being the type that typically fades into the background, I have been privy to shady remarks from one supposed “friend” about their so-called “best friend” and women can be messy. Just more ammo to enjoy me, myself and I. I know I can never betray me or fail to be truthful with me.
Speaking for myself, the older I get, the less patience I have for the nonsense people can bring. We are probably the types that will form true lifelong bonds with others in our senior years, after people done with being caught up in all the trappings and fakeries of life. People likely turn their noses up at me because I live simply and I like to save my money. I don’t have a showplace house and a lot of trinkets. I’m more concerned with my heart and spirit and trying to become a better human being. Maybe those types of goals clash with the typical materialistic lifestyle and FaceBook-type mindset.
That was sweet of you to say. My Fourth was pretty much hiding out from the heat. It reached a high of 106 here in the Milwaukee area.
I agree with you. I too must give off a scent of weirdo or oddball or some abnormal appearance to the normal women out there and the ones that are more LIKE me are sheltering themselves from others like I do so we never meet…. Talk about a Catch-22!!!! But what bothers me the most is that this tendency to distance ourselves from people has gravitated to my kids and I see the same aloofness in them with people, especially my girls. So although I would be content at my age to pull a David Thoreau, I’m deeply troubled that my kids seem to be following in my footsteps. So I imagine sitting them down and telling them living life on guard and standoffish from people gets very very lonely when you’re older and to get more involved in things and life in general. I guess that’s where the nature/nurture question comes in as both my husband and I come from outgoing parents and siblings (albeit dysfunctional) yet we roll up like potato bugs when socially challenged and now our kids resemble us!!!!!! I cry very often at night about this and I am trying desperately to remedy it before it overwhelms me…….
I’m a 54 year old woman with not so much as one single friend. I had friends in my childhood, my teen years, and my young adult years. I didn’t have many, but the few I had I liked them and they seemed to like me. But for me, as I got into my thirties, all my relationships changed: friends married, started have babies, took new jobs, moved, etc. I got married and that changed things even more. Trying to find married friends for both you and your husband is even more challenging. I would like the wife, and he didn’t care for her husband, and visa versa. lol, So life gets busy with work, kids, grandkids, etc, and suddenly you realize you have no friends. Now at 54 I’m really hungering and praying for a few good friends. This is a topic that goes deep for many people, I’m sure. As for me, I’ve learned some lessons in recent years about what it takes to be a good friend, and what I would want in a friend, so now I pray and wait and look for opportunities. Yesterday I talked alot to the lady working in the paint department at a local paint store. lol We talked about everything and then said goodbye as she had to get back to work and I had to leave. lol Oh well, I’m looking for opportunities. lol But, yes, like many, I’m lonely.
Story of my life being echoed here from many posters. I am married to a social butterfly and I don’t ever want to change who my husband is. When he gets invites to go hang out with co-workers and friends, I usually opt to stay home with my plants, books, net and cats.
Today, I made the tragic mistake of agreeing to tag along. I put on my best face as always…but as usual, it’s never enough. I left early because I just felt too awkward being there and my husband was everywhere mingling with everyone. I know it is not fair to expect him to stick close to me just because I’m awkward. So, even though I came close to tears a few times, I choked that up and tried to remember that there is nothing wrong with me, and it’s okay to be different.
I have had trouble making friends since I was a teen. Ironically, I had many friends as a elementary aged kid. Things just got awkward in middle school, and it’s set the precedent ever since for my social life. I have excelled in school, the military and I’ve done my share of cool things in life but socially, I just suck. I have really assessed myself critically and I can’t figure it out. I have excellent personal hygiene, I’m decent looking, I’m very approachable and friendly, animals and kids love me…but no luck forming too many adult friendships. I have two friends that I can really count on, and they are largely loners too. We don’t crowd one another, but once in a while we will hang out, have a drink or two and chat and help one another out.
I don’t get extroverts, just as I’m sure they don’t get me. Maybe I have been a loner for so long, people can smell the weird on me. Oh well. I am who I am. I know I am a good person and I’d give anyone my last and the shirt off my back. I know I have my share of issues but who the heck doesn’t? I’m cool with being a loner, but what I can’t stand is feeling ostracized even when I DO try.
Sounds like you are in a great place~
Happy Fourth!
Irene
I also mourn the little girl who was emotionally abused, neglected, and belittled. There are things that I don’t even feel comfortable sharing publicly that took away my childhood…not sexual abuse, but things children should never have to go through. I then become mostly a shut-in when other kids were going to proms and having the time of their lives. At 18, I got my GED so I could go to college. Because of my lack of social skills and shyness, I went for two years, took a break because of the stress I felt, then went back in my mid-20s. I’m very happy with my grades, but mostly happy that I stuck with it no matter how terrified I was to go every day. Life has been pretty hard, even after leaving home, but I look at this time (mid 40s) as my time to finally live the life I’ve always wanted. No looking back anymore; it’s all forward and doing the best to make this the time of my life. Good luck to you.
Yeah, 7 brothers and a sister so much older she was non-existent; married when I was 11 and gone. And these brothers were out of control so our house became a dysfunctional torturous hell-hole. I saw and experienced things little girls shouldn’t have and my parents slowly gave up . Poor father worked 12/7 and mother suffered from narcsissim to a degree that left her emotionally incapable of dealing with the behavior, drug abuse and ensuing violence that befell my brothers. She withdrew and we younger ones were left to fend for ourselves. And I wonder why I have such poorly developed social skills mixed with an edge to me that would cut glass. Guess i should be thrilled I made it through! I survived albeit damaged and my saving grace is my children’s upbringing has no resemblance to mine. I get great joy out of their normalcy but mourn the little girl who spent her childhood battling her way out of hell.
Wow! And I thought it was rough for me! My sister is 10 years older than I am and sandwiched in between us is 4 boys. We had the same household you did…emotionally abusive. I never thought to use the word “torture” like you did, but it sure fits. I was the youngest, unforutnately. I think that’s where you and I didn’t gain healthy, normal social skills; how can you in that environment? Also, I wasn’t present most days in Junior High and High School and that’s when it’s critical to learn these skills. Like you, I thought about my future and how different it would be for my child…notice I said “child” because I never wanted my child to have siblings who tortured him/her. I ended up only having one son and I’m happy for that. I know families can be happy and I know lots of people that have tons of kids, but my situation just steered me in a different direction.
Hi Janet,
I can relate very well to your story. My husband and I don’t have couple friends and mostly just work acquaintances. Sometimes I wish things were different but am learning to accept.
I do disagree with you however when you say attractiveness shouldn’t matter even with other women. I think women tend to like and want to be friends with women whom they consider to be as attractive as they are. Looks matter to everyone.
Accepting in CT
You are not alone. I go through the same feelings. I have 3 wonderful children and a husband but miss having girlfriends in my life.
142carebear@gmail. com. Pls feel free to email me
I meant: the ones that DON’T gossip are hard to find
I have the ones who start every conversation with:” did you hear this about so and so……” I get caught up in it and when I walk away I feel rotten….. The ones who gossip are hard to find…..
I agree. Both my workmates have issues for sure (who doesn’t?) and most likely see me as being “perfect” . The irony is, I have some of the lowest self-esteem out there and their digs cut me deeper than the woman they may perceive me as. So it becomes a vicious cycle of “Why don’t they like me it must be me I’m so awful” when I reality, they are most likely fighting perception ideologies of their own. But my entrenched low self esteem puts the ownness on me 100 percent of the time…..
*sigh* and I wonder why I’m getting more and more comfortable being alone….the time for deep friendships has run its course and I’ ll have to settle for acquaintances. Thank goodness for my husband(:
And wanted you to know, that I understand. There are instances where, yes, the woman or women in a group are jealous, but at the heart of jealousy is low self esteem and the fear of being a failure or not as good as someone else. I still think we should even cut the truly jealous some slack, because their jealousy isn’t even about you, it’s about them and their perspective on the world at hand.
Just wanted you to know that I DO agree with you. I just wonder how they got that way to begin with and how we as women can perhaps set a new example.
Honestly, women can be jealous but I think labeling every woman (notice I said every, but, yes some are actually jealous but I think those circumstance are akin to a personality disorder or low self esteem) who doesn’t want to be your friend as “jealous” is like saying that every guy that doesn’t want to date you is “intimidated by you” or “gay”. Maybe, they’re just not that into you. Using the term “jealous” is an over generalization and does nothing to help us truly understand why we aren’t seen as friend material for certain people. Idk, though, just something that popped into my head. I think, it’s just too easy to say, “O, she’s just jealous.”, not to mention quite degrading to other women.
We need to stop seeing other women as the problem and look to ourselves. You’re not going to change someone else. The likelihood of someone set in their ways actually changing is pretty close to 0%. If women see other women as the jealous enemy, how are we ever going to have any female friends? Remember that when a woman is mean to you for no reason, that it isn’t about you, it’s about her. Hurt people, hurt other people.
I say we all just cut each other some slack. None of us are perfect or perfect friends for that matter. Forgiveness and a bit of compassion and understanding might just go a long way to help us cultivate rewarding friendships with other women.
I just re-read my post and realize it was a bit of a finger pointer at the ones who claim “she’s jealous of me”. Let me clarify. I SAY IT TOO but I think it’s because I can’t wrap my head around WHY other women don’t seem to warm up to me. And I have analyzed it to death and it’s still a hard pill to swallow. But I do agree, as I explained in the last part of my post, there are women who are jealous of other women just because of how they look…..and that’s sad. The two women that I work with that do it are very smart and interesting women. But can be so rude to me that I can’t be around them…..
I think some people use the jealous defense because they can’t accept that getting along with some women is hard and we can’t figure out “Why” so it must be they are jealous, right?
But, that being said, I have had two people tell me, after I expressed that two different women can be rude or mean to me at times and I’m bothered by it. And both of these friends responded with the same reason why: ” Well she’s jealous…. You’re pretty and smart and liked by people and they hate you for it…..”
So there are women who dislike other women for the sheer reason of looks. I am nothing but nice to both these women and the reason they are mean to me is because of how i look????? I stay away from them as much as possible now ( both workmates).
I had to re- read your post to see if it was mine! Your entire section about pushy/overbearing being too personal too quick is all me!!!! In my childhood house, no one communicated, they just fought and ignored and abused and tortured one another and I was a little girl with 7 older brothers and one sister who was as distant as my mother. So I guess when other little kids were learning how to interact with people and have friends over I was hiding in a closet and planning that when I had kids, I would take care of them and never have such ugliness in their lives. I succeeded there but loneliness due to my lack of people skills is so overwhelming that now that they are grown, I’m as sad and lonely and afraid as that little girl that use to hide in a closet…..:(. I guess it never leaves you.
I had a difficult childhood because my mother died when I was 10 and I was pretty much emotionally abused by my siblings and neglected by my father (because of depression, not cruelty). I think I’ve done pretty well for myself like you have and am very normal coming out of that environment. I also have low self-esteem and am overbearing when I try to fit in…I’m very shy, but when I have the opportunity to make friends, I push a little too hard at getting close, sharing personal stories, and “being myself” a little too quickly. Overbearing. I also don’t have a sister that I’m close to; she’s 10 years older than I am and not very healthy emotionally. I have analyzed this thing to death and I am guessing that I missed some important skills at crucial times growing up…preschool age because I was so overprotected by my mom and teen years because I pretty much skipped school for 5 years. I have wondered every time the iron gate dropped down and someone suddenly stopped being my friend…why??? If they could simply tell me why, I could improve myself. No one ever has. Soooo, I’ve had to put the pieces of the puzzle together very slowly and painfully through the years and I think I’m almost to the point where I’m ready to make friends again. I even thought of hiring a life coach at one point!
She gave you some thoughtful, productive advice. She doesn’t sound the least bit bitter or angry.
I don’t think anyone sounds bitter or angry towards the “pretty” commenters. AFter all, no one here can really see how “pretty” you “really” are, right? It’s like online dating sites. People describe themselves as looking like Brad or Angelina, and then you see them in real life, and … So that could be the case here.
I never said I’m so attractive, my little comment came across very differently than I intended. I exagerrated saying “all” women. But seeing people respond to this little comment is interesting, you women sound mad and bitter in your responses. It is sad and too bad, I am not at all soo attractive, a little attractive, not conceited. So dont’ just jump on one comment, you don’t know who is behind it.
You sound bitter and angry responding to my comment in that way.. So I said “all” women, I exagerrated in my statement.
I have the same story: never had close friends growing up due mainly, ( and please don’t roll your eyes): ) due to a very abusive childhood including neglect, dysfunction, sexual abuse and who knows what else. But I strived to grow past it and have done the bet I could muster: married 34 yrs, 4 great kids, 3.25 grandchildren. But I have no close friends to call and chat or hang with due to a combination of my low self esteem and I think I’m a bit overbearing as I try to fit in. I know so many women who have friends from childhood or close sister relationships and I am alone. Is it because of my lack of learning HOW to be a friend as a young girl? Or are some of us just not friend material? I really wish who knows me would sit me down and tell me what do I do wrong……
“Women are just all jealous” – considering you’re a woman, you just called yourself ‘jealous’. Just a thought…..
I agree women can be catty, but to stereotype all women is to do yourself a great disservice. Just relax and stop thinking everyone is jealous of you. You may actually be putting off an air or vibe that you think a woman is jealous of you and then she sees that you are looking down your nose at her thinking you think she’s jealous of you. See? Women are also very intuitive and pick up on vibes like this!
Perhaps, modifying your own behavior and ceasing to think all women are just jealous of you may help you soften your image and be more approachable. I know a lot of beautiful women who have great friends and no one seems jealous. Don’t let a hard heart be your downfall!
Bwahahaha!!! Nope not a single one! Lol!!
I’m with you, what a huge generalization!!
Here’s another huge generalization: “I’m so attractive that all women are jealous of me.” Lol, ok , Angelina, we get it. You’re gorgeous and we’re all jealous trolls.
I’m 54 and haven’t had what I would call a best friend since high school. I’ve found that everyone else seems to be so self-absorbed that they don’t have time to commit to true friendships. Everything that they do with their “friends” seems to revolve around activities — not being friends. So, I’m alone. I love spending time with my dogs — and up until March 24, I had 7 of them. But the real crisis came when my favorite died — on March 24th. That has been absolutely devastating. I don’t seem to be able to get over it. There was a special bond with that dog. Oh, I love the others, and I can actually sense that they are trying to pick up my spirits, but I lost my heart dog. So, I lost my best friend, who also depended on me for everything because he was almost completely paralyzed for the last few months of his life. And even though I’ve been living with the same fellow for the past 10 years, having him around makes me feel even lonelier, because he’s so bitter about everything in life. I lost my job in February (childless people are always the first to go because we don’t have anything to worry about I guess — except our total survival), so I can’t even escape the realities of life for a few hours a day. The funny thing is, I suspected that I would feel like this since I was 4. And no, it’s not the self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve bent over backwards to forgive people for stabbing me in the back, I’ve been there when people have needed me, I’ve spoken on behalf of people who had no one to speak for them, and I’ve always lent a helping hand. But when it’s been my turn, everyone’s always busy. Don’t people ever just get together to chat anymore?
What a huge generalization: “Women are all just jealous.” Not a single woman anywhere at any time is not jealous?
Women are just all jealous– especially if you are attractive.. this is what happens with me when I try to make women friends. They are all gossipy and judgmental. I would rather be alone.
Hi there,Ive just read your letter.It seems you have a very hard time trusting anyone and Im not surprised with what you have been through.When we are scarred from our past its hard to forget and move on.Ive had similar experiences maybe not as bad,so if you would like someone to chat to Id look forwards to hearing from [email protected]
ditto feeling …
Well put. I got hurt last few years with people I fell into friendship with by circumstances. Poachers and ostracisers. At the end I always walked away from them. I question myself sometimes if I was not likeable or have too high standards. After reading a lot of the posts I realized that I just do not like to be friends with takers. Friendship is a two way street. Life is short, I want to be true to myself and spend time with people I enjoy. Quality over quantity.
Hi there, I know how you feel. I had a best friend for 17 years and she was a dog. She passed away 6 years ago and although I can find long term partners, I cannot make or keep friends. In fact the longer people know me the more I put them off. I am 47 and I no longer try to make friends or even expect to. Unlike my siblings and parents who all have many and long time friends. I am not sure what is wrong – aurora? Looks? I think it has something to do without being able to connect to people? As a new born baby I was abandoned in the hospital for 7 days until my mother and father came back for me.
I recently had to fill in a security form and had to name 2 long term friends to vouch for me. Embarassingly I could not find 2 people to provide a personal reference.
Hang in there, we seem to survive!
Like you, I am very shy and at 40 I find myself without a friend in a new city. I’ve never been able to make friends easily, but wow – it’s so hard now. I do not have children nor much in common with the women I meet.
Because of my past traumas, I have trust issues. On top of that I’m extremely introverted. All this has made me feel inadequate and wondering what is wrong with me. It’s been over four years since I’ve made new friends. It is lonely, but I have my dog. He is my best friend, sometimes unruly, but for the most part a true companion. Extremely cute to boot!
I don’t know what it is that keeps me from forming friendships with other women. It gets tiring to continue to try. I, for now, am working on my trust issues and hope that I can find true friendship. I hope that for you and the rest. You can email me at [email protected] if you would like to chat.
I know exactly how you feel I’m tired of be lonely and unloved! I have been so lonely for 55 years, even a six year spell with a partner was no different I was lonelier in that relationship than when I was on own. I have aqaintances but no real friends. Abuse by a close family member has made me so introvert and have very low self esteem. I live in hope that things might change even at my great age. All the best Joy
U know, u never realize how prevalent ur situation is until u see other people going thru what ur r. I have been having a problem with meeting genuine female friends. I just don’t get it. I’ve met women in various social settings and attempted to invite them to things or reach out just for genuine conversation in getting more familiar and they seem very standoffish. I am a nice, sweet, understanding person not understanding this. Ive heard of women being jealous or catty of one another but I’m not like that. Idk……
I grew up in a stable home and did not move around at all growing up. I had friends as a child but I never had any long term friends as an adult. I’m 36 with 2 small kids. I always felt I lacked social skills and that is why it is so hard to meet friends. I always admired outgoing people that looked comfortable in social situations always knowing what to say
My sister and mother have a lot of friends too and I don’t. Im beginning to think something is wrong with me.
Praying that God will give you the friendships that you need and deserve. He knows exactly what you need. I am where you are, but believing that God will send me friends that have some things in common with me. I must get over the fear of others not liking the real me. That has been my biggest fear. Here is hoping the best the best for you and may you have the special friendships that you are seeking.
Your post inspired this one~ http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/blog/guest-post-trauma-trust-and-friendship
Hope it’s helpful! Best, Irene
Its rare you will get someone who is your friend can accept friends. I tried with one of my “fair weather” friend with her so called friend but she was envious of me. Whenever I would talk to her, she would get quiet and not say anything but she made sure when my back was turned, I was talked about and she caused problems with my friend and I and her family. I try to give people a chance but if women are going to be vindictive like this girl was; there is no use to even try to reach out to others. You do not know if you will have the same person like I did.
Who is judgemental? I see a bunch of ladies on here sharing experiences with others and I have no seen no criticism.
You have summed it up very accurately . You are very insightful and wise, which come with years of experience dealing with people through the journey of life. I could not agree more with you. I have come to the same conclusion in my journey And I am much happier with a few friends who have similar values and are encouraging rather than discouraging . The “keepers” are worth more than precious jewels.
It took me a long time to conclude that there will be people throughout my
lifetime that may not like me no matter what I say or do. Also , there have been people in my passed who called themselves friends but would only contact me for convenience because they needed something from me.
I decided to disengage myself from people who were not genuine friends , were takers, and just simply toxic because of their motives. I believe there are givers and takers in relationships. I am happier in friendships with people who are givers like myself. My friends and I have similar interests and objectives in life.
So , I believe that it is more valuable to have a few genuine friends than to have many superficial friends.
In the same boat.
I wonder if your child goes to my children’s school too, or are there just a lot of situations like that out there? I go to school functions and feel like an outcast. I no longer volunteer because of the way the other mother’s act. The same mothers all flock together and act like there is such strength in their numbers and I can’t stand it. I see right through them all.
I also lost my Mom in January 2012. I lost my Sister in 2010 and my Dad in 2009. I don’t think I will ever really get over losing my entire family in 3 years and struggle with it daily. Please email me. Everyone needs someone after losing their Mom’s. [email protected] .
For a minute, after reading your post, I thought I may have written that myself at one time and forgot (it hit so close to home). You expressed what I feel and go through weekly to a T. I too have a wonderful spouse and I also have two beautiful daughters…..but if I had to list any REAL friends….I couldn’t. I often feel resentful when I hear or see pictures of people I know always with large groups of friends and wonder why I wasn’t thought of when this event was planned. Its destructive thinking on my behalf because I always walk away thinking there is something fundamentally wrong with ME. I lost my Dad, SIster and Mom in the past threee years so I no longer evenhave my loving family and that has been the hardest thing of all to deal with. Be thankful you still have family.
I am a 48 year old athletic, nice looking, intelligent person but I am shy and not skilled in people skills. I had a childhood full of physical and emotional abuse. I was raped by a person I was supposed to be able to trust when I was 14. Every relationship I have tried to build has ended up with trust violations-even with my husband. I am convinced that there is no one out there who is trustworthy. I have no friends and yes I am very lonely. I am tired of feeling less than adequate in the human relationship department. I can identify with many of your experiences that you have shared.I can empathize the pain that you feel. I am just so tired thinking about people not liking me and having no friends. I am tired of the pain and depression. I plan to get a dog-they are loyal, nonjudgmental, and don’t talk about you behind your back.
read through your post again-you appear very judgmental
Couldn’t say it better. Who wants friends talking about their friends? Keeping
Pays
I know, right??! A friend who hung with me all the time was.always downin our other bff.s…..and sayin “between u and me…” ByeBye….
Write to me, [email protected]
Hi to 50 years … I sadly know too many women without confidence. Beaten down by various things in life. But I have not seen where it makes them bad friends. One of the best friends I ever had had zero confidence and was unfulfilled in her life on many fronts. She was never anything but loving and attentive and supportive of me and anyone else she spoke about whom she considered a friend. I do know some confident women and sadly their confidence and self satisfaction has not made them very humble or empathetic to those of us who don’t have as much in our lives. So you see, in my case, I haven’t seen the cause and effect that you have experienced. That’s okay, though. Life is full of all kinds of people. Not everyone makes it to their full potential and becomes all that they can be. That doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of being loving friends, though.
Nice to hear your story, I am 23yrs with the same issues. what is your youtube channel?
I am 50, married 26 years, and have a 20-year-old son. I have been in the same position as many of you and your stories really resonate with me.
I am the person who always helps out in a pinch, does favors, entertains, asks about and listens to others stories and interests, etc. I am outgoing, very honest about my life (flaws and all), and speak my mind.
I do have several good friends-with some, I’ve had a bump here and there; with others, it’s been pretty easy. However, I have had many more “friends” that weren’t really friends and did/did not do many of the things all of you have mentioned.
As a result, I stepped back from many of these people and started focusing more on myself (really trying to become more self-aware, pinpoint what exactly I want in a friendship including the boundaries, and start doing new and interesting things that sometimes take me outside my comfort zone).
I gained more confidence. I also recognized the importance of consciously choosing friends as opposed to just falling into friendships for convenience sake. I also realized that the friends I have managed to hold onto are smart, curious, well-rounded, interested in others from different backgrounds, and are mature and successful. In other words, they are already confident women who can be supportive, reciprocle and uplifting. The women that have caused me misery over the years are those who were in unhappy marriages, didn’t have an interest or professional that instilled confidence in them, felt pressure to be something they weren’t and try to have people believe they had a perfect life when they clearly didn’t, and were very uncomfortable with the idea of stepping outside their comfort zones.
If you read through the posts, there are striking similiarities. The ostrasizers are cliquish, gossipy, small-minded, judgmental, etc. These characteristics seem to support my belief that misery loves company and that people hate to be reminded of the things they are not and/or want to be. I think many of the posters here want to be positive and not jump on the misery train. I think they also have many of the positive attributes that their catty counterparts envy.
Keep at it. There are wonderful women out there that make great, interesting friends. I have found them but only when I started respecting and putting myself first.
All the females I had met regardless if its in my family, acquaintances or friends are nothing but two faced. I had my share of “friends” who basically used me to their own conveience. I do not know how many of these “women” stabbed me in the back, but it is enough that I can not trust a lot of females anymore. When I was a bridesmaid for my “friends” wedding, I had received a message from my “friends friend” about that she was the “better friend” and I do not deserve to be in the wedding party. REALLY? I do not go for two faced,lying, backstabbing women.People need to be stop being insecure and learn that if you are not vindictive, maybe there is a chance that women can be actually friends with each other. Until then, I can not trust a lot of women.
I feel that I always tend to meet females that are very negative and gossipy and I never seem to stay friends with those type of women very long..dont know if part of it is on my part not wanting to get hurt so I keep my distance with them..which makes it hard for them to get to really know me..I figure if they talk about other people that way that they must be talking and complaining about me behind my back also like they say about gossipy people.
I wish the same thing . I would love to have someone who is loyal,not a fair weather friend and someone who doesn’t stab you in the back because it is best to their conveinence.(or to please their friends). I went through 33 yrs of my life without having a “REAL” friend. A real friend is someone who I can confide in, talk about problems and be there when times are good and bad. Not only when times are good. Is that too much to ask for?
Lonely,
I read your post and I wanted to be the ones who replied to your post. Granted, I was never a easy person to get along with. My family life has been very abusive. I grew up in poverty. I had my mom worked every single day at low end jobs(factories) to make sure we had what we needed. My dad didn’t care about none of his kids. To him, we was a burden. We were idiots who wasn’t going to amount to anything in our lives. Because he was abused in his life, he felt that he needed to abuse and belittle us to make him feel powerful. We felt inferior and if we talked back to him, we got the wrath of him. I do not know how many times the police was called to our house because of him. Little did I know back then, my dad had bi polar disorder and it wasn’t treated properly. For the 19 yrs of my life, it was walking on eggshells because of him. When he died, I learned to forgive him but I couldn’t forget what he had done.( If you want to know more about my horrifying story, you can email me).
All my life..Through school to adulthood,(Im 33 yrs old) I never really had a true friend. All the female friends I have are nothing but fair weather. When I am stressed and need to talk to someone about issues, I get told that people do not want to hear about others concerns or drama. Yet, I am suppose to DROP everything to accomidate them? Seriously?.. I gone through numerous therapist and talked about my issues, yet nothing. All I want is someone to be by my side through the good and bad. After all, is that what a friendship is about? Im not expecting someone to be my counselor, but it is nice to sit down and talk to people about the ins and outs of life. I thought I had a good friend who I met 6 yrs ago. We are still friends. The last year of our friendship has been extremely rocky. She acts like she is the “most busiest person” out there and have no time for anyone. Yet, she can always make time for her other friends. Her sister and I got into an arguement over facebook because of something completely petty. (mimicking incident). Im thinking a 40+ yr old woman acting like she is 15..I do not go for that. She blocked me, which I do not care. Every single conversation when I talk to my friend always has to include her sister. I know she is pushing my buttons or trying to see what I would say about her sister who caused the problems. Im not an idiot. The girl(yes, I call her a girl because she acts like a child) still has not apologized to me. This is a reason why I do not trust a lot of females because of antics like this. All I want is one female friend who I could confide in without drama. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry you had such a bad Meetup experience. As you suggest, there are bad apples in every bunch. Another alternative would be to start your own Meetup group in your area.
Also, if you use Facebook—take a look at this new option:
http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/blog/something-new-check-out-friendship-blog-connection-facebook
My best, Irene
I’m an outgoing person. I am retired and moved to
a small town, hundreds of miles from where I grew
up, and nearer my daughter, but where the taxes
are not outrageous.
I tried a Meet-up. Tthere are very few here. The leader
and one of her friends were outright rude, but later
the leader was friendly. Her friend left and texted her,
“the new person is your friend, not mine.” I couldn’t believe they would act like that, and I don’t know why
she told me about the text. I very much hoped to make a few friends, and I hadn’t said or done anything – I had just met them. This made me even more insecure about venturing out to meet people and really hurt my feelings. I think that this sort of thing is very rare with most Meet-ups though.
I’m amazed at how few web sites there are for just
friendship. I think there are more people wanting friends now than at any other time. Life is lonely for a lot of people, and sadly, even very young people have trouble making and keeping friends.
I am sorry for anyone who has a hard time finding good friends. I think it is a problem that many people have. I would urge you to trying finding groups to join on meetup.com. I hope you would meet more people and find like-minded people who also is looking for friendship.
I notice my sisters and other mothers who have a lot of girlfriends and can’t figure out why I don’t. Is there something about me that women don’t like? I found in the past that women can be competitive and jealous. I give compliments all the time and are happy for friends when something good happens to them. I support my friends,listen to their problems, but don’t get back the same support. I woud love to have a non-jealous, supportive, smart, beautiful girlfriend–inside and out–but, it seems impossible to find.
I also have such a hard time making girlfriends. Where my kids go to school,there are a lot of very snobby mothers. I just can’t seem to get along with them. They are very cliquish and think they are better than everybody else. They all talk behind other mothers backs, negative comments. My mom passed away and I feel very lonely. I have a few good friends, but not one really close friend to call any time. It is so sad. I am smart and attractive, I have no idea why women seem uninterested in becoming friends .
I dont know where you are , but a good beginning would be email or texting and photo share
[email protected]
What town are you in?
Please contact me and lets share stories and pix!
[email protected]
ME TOO!! i would love for all of you to be my new friend¡¡ please contact me. [email protected]
I would love to join! My email addy is [email protected]
If I do not reply, it is because I will not have access to my computer till next week.
Jacqueline
Hi,
Oh I enjoyed your vent. Dear Lord you have a talent for writing. write a book about your friends and how they treated you and become rich, rich, rich. but stay the same.
What else do you want to vent about? Cant wait to read it. You remind me of Terry McMillion or Larry David. I totally loved reading your vent. Good job.
If everyone treats us like shit, then we should at least, treat ourselves like queens or kings. This is OUR life. I can wash someones crap off of my clothes but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get in my head and leave their crap there. Nope, nope, nope. I will be a happy, content, fulfilled person one day and I will never quit trying. I dont care who doesnt return my texts. Eff them.
Im that little boy in the room with horse poop,grabbing the shovel and looking for the pony that filled the room with the poop in the first place.
I will not be the person, moping in the corner, sad and depressed because there’s a pile of poop in the room with me.
Dammit, Im gonna ride that pony!!! Yeeehaawwwwww.
Im very sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be treated this way. Your “friend” was a very rude, user.
You appear to be very nice and thoughtful. I’d rather sit by you at a dinner party or wherever than her.
I had a friend move without saying goodbye. I went to her house on the day she was supposed to be packing to give her a going away card and she was gone. They had “snuck” out in the middle of the night. She said she hated saying good bye when I confronted her about this later.
You have a friend too. Im 54 and am thinking about opening a club for us “Miss Fits”. would you be interested in joining something like that?
I wanted to say, that Im sorry for your experiences. Sometimes I think what happened to a person when they were little, molds them. I was embarrassed as a kid too. so I just knew I didnt fit in. Maybe we missed that social key to friends when we were busy being poor, and embarrassed. I dont know. I think thats a key though.
Did you read what I wrote about a club for us misfits? Or Miss Fits. =) Would you like to join a group? <3
Your post struck a cord with me. I am almost 55 yrs. old and can’t believe how all my friends have gone by the wayside recently. I know many of my friends were co-workers and the relationship ended after 5:00. It’s sad to think once you stop going to a job and decide to stay at home there is no one there for you anymore.
I attend classes and realize the rest of the ladies in class must feel the same way but, nobody wants to open up.
You’re not alone.
I need a friend too.
I am sorry you’re dealing with several healthy problems and I wish we could meet and commiserate.
You have a friend behind the scenes and I pray for your health to improve.
Would it be possible for some of us (any that want to, my God, like I would ignore someone. lol) anyway, to form a group. Maybe on facebook or yahoo and interact with each other. Maybe treat it like a school. Help each other. Like say, ya know, I know how you meant that but it came out too strong. what about this? Are we strong enough to do that?
I would be more than willing to do this with any of you if youre up to it. Might be a mistake to be so honest and then, it might be what we all need.
I’ll check back to see who’s interested.
I agree with you. I too only moved once in my childhood when I was 4 years old. I thought I had a lot of friends when I was younger but I realized they were my husbands friends not mine. I am a young 62 and a cancer survivor. I have been living in this state 32 years, raised 3 girls, and to this date have not made one friend. I have tried bowling leagues, book clubs, bible studied and volunteering. I try to always be upbeat and pleasing. Nothing. No one wants an outsider. I have given up.
There must be more to this issue than moving a lot as a child.
I moved once as a young child only because my father needed work. The move was smooth and did not cause any stress on the family including me, but I haven’t got a friend and cannot see one in my future. No I’m not a young girl with plenty of time to explore new avenues…..I’m 55 and have been fighting my way through cancer, brain aneurysms and a number of other health issues in the last 4 years…..so the future is not a guaranteed event. You work with what you get and hope you can achieve a reasonable “-”. The bit between the “B” (born) and “D” (death) in your obituary. I’ve tried hard, but obviously not hard enough to achieve a vital component …. FRIEND. I’m not fussy….I’ll take anyone who feels confident enough to have a whinge occasionally about what upsets them and will listen once in awhile to what annoys me and looks forward to a coffee and a goss on anything else…just for the fun of it. The only thing I don’t want is to constantly be the leaning post, which sadly seems to be the only type of relationship I can achieve. They want, want, want……they want help, they want me make or do things for them, etc, etc, etc…..they want, want, want. If I say no I would not have anyone, but I’m still alone even though the only word I know is YES! It seems like an impossible, stupid task and hardly work the effort of trying at all.
I love this blog site as the comments of others make me realize that I am not alone. I tried to have friends and consider myself to be very loyal, consistent and caring. But I continually seem to get stabbed. So? Now I am my own best friend. My dad always said that I am a survivor. My mom is a true loner and we are best buds. My husband is there for me, but social compared to me. I go to a party and he mingles right in and I notice the women play up to him and it used to bug me, now I laugh. I always feel alone in a crowd and feel like I just want to run out the door at social functions. My mom says the EXACT same thing. I like the way I am because it is liberating. I like your story, thank you for sharing it.
I think that we are dealing with just the fact of life that men have an easier time having friends because they are not inately catty, backstabbing, etc. I get sick of women being unreliable in friend ships and only interested in what they have to say. Reading the blogs of others is a good antidote to your feelings of sadness and being lonely.
My neighbor came over yesterday and bragged, bragged, bragged Alot of people seem to have this habit and when they leave, I sometimes feel like, geez I don’t have a 6-figure income or my Master’s, that talent, etc. But in reality I feel they brag becasue THEY are not happy and perhaps feel threatened by the fact that I like to hang by myself and have to desire or need to brag. But, still when I have a bad case of PMS or the blues, after these women braggers leave, I feel down, low self esteem, etc. The saying that I love is this one : Empty Barrels make the most noise!!
It’s not you because so many of us feel the same way and have experienced the same things. It does get tough because my spouse has no trouble making friends and every time the phone rings it is for him, or if someone stops over, it is to see him. I get along fine with the guy friends he has and like them ore than the women. My mom is my best friend. But you are not alone, you have us here. This is just human nature I guess. The sooner you learn how it really is, the better off you will be to move ina new direction.
I bought a cute stuffed doll and I take here with me almost everytime I leave the house to run errands, travel, shop, etc. I make her talk to me and she is thus everything I need. Am I crazy do you think? NO WAY. My mom says that it’s healthy to have a comforting thing and it’s better than prozac or other anti anxiety drugs. She can be for me a friend like no other. I’ve tried to have girlfriends but now like many of you, why bother-too much BS and maintenance. Having my stuffed doll is like Tom Hanks having his volleyball “wilson” they become very real and comforting. Better than any friend!!!!
I am 51 and my kids are grown. I am extremely close to my mom who lives across the country. My hubby and I get along excellent-I work full time and have been stabbed many a time by women – so I have no friends. My hubby says that women are devious b-otches and I know what he means now. You have to be strong and like yourself cuz you are the only one you can rely on to make you happy. All of the stories I am reading ring true for me too in many facets. Life is so short so if the answer to the quandary is to hang with you and you along (shopping, lunch, etc), then make the best of it and pretty soon when a fickle female freind asks ya to go shopping, you will want to run the other way. I now cherish doing things alone cuz I am look at what I want when I shop, go here, go there and I don’t have to engage in FAKE talk and the even FAKER laughter, ha ha, tee hee!!
I am a female who has tried to have adult women friends but it always goes along the same path – fickle on their part. Thier “let’s go for coffee” never comes to fruition. They call and then say “oh I have to go and will call you back” but seldom do they. I am lucky to have a supportive spouse and my mom as my friends. Still there is the twinge of envy at my neighbors who have friends and do things with them regularly. I never seem to be asked or included. My life story. I guess I am a loner because I gag alot when women start bragging or talking so much that they don’t care what you have to say. The truth of the matter is, I find it difficult to be myself around alot of other women and prefer much to fly solo. Trust me, I’ve tried to have a good friend. My dad used to say, if you have one good friend you are lucky because all the rest are just acquaintenances!!!
I’m 21 years old and I remember moving a lot as a child. Anywhere from 10 to 15 times. I’ve even lived in 5 different states. The crazy thing is I’ve always enjoyed moving to another state to some place new. When I got to my senior year that’s when it really got old for me.
I would constantly have flashbacks about my childhood, thinking about why my “friends” didn’t include me in or for some reason left me out. It would hurt inside and I could never understood why I was left out. I always desired long term friendships but it has always been difficult for me. It certainly didn’t help that I’m often shy. From what I’ve heard and from how I act towards people, I’m usually a nice person, silly, and open minded. There were plenty of times where I would even question myself….is it because I’m biracial, am I too weird, am I not dressing to their standards, am I really boring? I normally don’t consider myself boring because I like to do activities like dancing, sports, shopping, and upbeat music…etc. I just want to be around people who is willing to listen to me and is willing to talk to me so that I can I listen to them. I want to be able to laugh and be understood. It makes me feel like I’m crazy for not having any friends. I have been lucky to make at least one close friend while in grade school one time another. The thing is I had to move, and even making the friends I had was hard. There were times I sat alone in the cafeteria feeling sorry for myself. I want it to be clear that I’m proud to be me, it’s just the lack of friendship I have right now. Currently I reside in seattle (total of 4 years), and I’ve been living with my bf for 1 year. I lived here with my parents for about 3 years. Sure I’ve made a friend or two while here but it ended up not working out and for the first time I have not been moving around like I use to! The crazy thing is I’m an adult who now have more freedom to hang out than before and still no luck. Every now and then it would drive me crazy inside, watching a sunny day go by without someone to hang out with other than my bf. I love my bf but sometime us women need ladies time. I don’t expect him to hangout with me all the time and I don’t want to either. I think it’s a great thing to have a little variety in ones life such as friendships, family, and your sweetheart…even acquaintances. I hope to find out what it is I could do different so that I can stop these constant dead end relationships. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind meeting new people as they come and go, but sometimes i think life is a little easier to cope with when you have understanding friends or friend that even puts a smile on your face.
Are any of you interested in a YouTube channel on friendships? I actually do videos
Thirty years is a long time…..what could be the reason behind the breaks? Seems you were trying too hard to be her friend. Once she got you caught up with her life, it’s time for the break again. I believe she was never a friend to you, maybe you just wanted her to be.I have had a similar situation but only for a couple of years. They want to brag about their “perfect families” and if you’re like me, you listen and agree. That’s what women like this are looking for. They don’t have time for reciprocating it back.
I can’t connect with women at that day-to-day level either. Honestly, it just doesn’t interest me. My husband wants me to build friendships with our neighbor’s wives because he gets along well with the husbands. I really like the wives – as people – they are perfectly lovely women. However, I find it difficult to talk hour after hour about day-to-day tasks of life (e.g. household chores, appliances, baby bottle choices, etc) or gossiping about the other neighbors. Last time, we spent an entire hour discussing washing machines. Now everyone just had babies (I don’t have any children myself) – so the conversations are always about day-to-day tasks of raising babies. I wouldn’t mind that – however, the conversation never extends beyond day-to-day life. (By the way, I absolutely love home improvement projects – I’m a HGTV addict – so I hear ya sister. Try finding any women who want to talk about that!) The conversations drain me – I feel like I putting in time to be a good neighbor. I’m not actually enjoying myself. So, unfortunately, I wind up avoiding them. My husband tells me that I’m anti-social … and I guess I am. It’s just so very hard for me to find women that I can have interesting conversations with – the kind of conversations that I actually look forward to having. The kind of conversations that energize me. Although I have many surface friendships, I don’t have even one truly close friend. I can’t seem to connect with women on the day-to-day level that seems essential for women bonding. I wish I could … but something in me wants more.
The last few sentences could be a quote ( which if course it is- from you!)
That might be the reason why other people like your sister have an easier time making/keeping friends…they just have a thicker skin? and not let small shifts in moods and needs effect their relationships. I feel that because of my friendship making insecurities, I tend to dwell on these small matters when I should not..accept friendships/ people for what they are…see the positives and enjoy it. Ironically, when I blame women for being judgemental and petty..I wonder, am I doing that too?
You sound like such nice lovely person! I would advise you to use your quote and apply it to your siblings as well. Is a good talk doable with your brother? Those ties never go away. I would also have a separate talk with your sister. Love to know how it goes!
Lots of love to you too!
I wasnt a military brat but I totally relate to your post. Our family did move alot and I went to three different high schools. Just when it seemed I sort of started to make new acquaintances in a new setting, either we would move or everyone else would move away. I think that the US govt and social scientists who designed this system, if there was even a system to begin with, was not designed with the intent of the social health of the individual. All this mobility and suburbanization only fragmented the lives of many families and created socially displaced people like myself.
Wow, all of your stories are close to my heart and as I read them I could hear myself in each one. I had a stable childhood, we didn’t move at all until I was 14 and then, only a few doors down, but that started the ball rolling and pretty soon we had moved across the world to start a new life in a new country and culture. We all continued to move every 1-2 years for the next 16 years, whether as a family unit or later when we kids moved out, we kept up the habit. in our own lives. I’ve now moved house entirely 22 times in 16 years. That include moving to different countries as well as within the U.S. Although I’ve now spent the greater portion of my life living outside of the U.S.
It was something I dreamed of when I was a kid, funnily enough because the other kids in my class were moving house nearly ever three years when we were young so I wanted to as well. Of course, they remained in the same school and held onto the same peer group because of the close ties of the families in our school so there wasn’t a lot of social disruption there. Another reason was due to the stories my mother told us of growing up in another culture (my mother is not from N.America/S.America) and the views that she vocalised to us about the culture we lived in, growing up. I really felt that I was different and belonged somewhere else.
Of course, I wasn’t a very sociable kid in school so maybe that was just my way of comforting myself, to believe that things would be better if I were somewhere else, someone else even. I had friends outside of school in our neighbourhood and a pretty active play life with my siblings, but I never formed a close one-to-one friendship. My sister did. So did my brothers, but I resorted to following them around and getting the feeling of belonging by being a hanger-on rather than creating my own friendships.
That habit has definitely stuck with me and with my siblings. When we moved to another country, I felt ready to break out of that mold and start making my own friendships work for myself, but it was hard to do because my siblings had learned to become friends with my acquaintances and as well, something else that is entirely plausible is that I chose to pursue friendships with people who were better suited in personality and habits to my siblings rather than to me.
This really was only an emotional problem for me when it came to my sister because we are really quite close in age to one another. I felt that I was second choice often in the friendship stakes, quite frequently and that negatively impacted my confidence in creating my own outside relationships. I began to habitually feel anxious about the intentions of new acquaintances towards me and would put off introducing a new person to my sister, especially for as long as possible. I truly believed that I would not be chosen by this person for friendship, but rather that a bond would form between them and my sister.
When I was younger, I resorted to a friendship between myself and my younger brother to comfort me and provide me with socialisation. We were close and we played together, shared secrets, built forts, experimented with gardening and we ran off to the general store together to sneak chocolates and fizzy drinks without our parents knowing. We were co-conspirators and each other’s confidante and he was my best friend. I know now that I was creating an important social place for me in our family. I think I probably mothered my brother a bit too much or depended on him more than I should have for support in the family. Now, years later and with lots of life changes between us and our childhoods, he is close to my sister and he doesn’t often take my phone calls or tell me much of anything going on in his life.
This all happened about 6 years ago, when my younger brother, my sister and I all happened to have moved back to my parents house at the same time. We were all in a transition stage. My sister had ended a 4-year-long, intense and all-consuming romantic relationship and had left one city to return home and recoup. She needed lots of support and attention to get through the grieving stage and she and our brother formed a fun, goofy and playful friendship. They understood each other now that they were grown up and I think my brother saw in her, a refreshing zest for life and fun that I never displayed. So, my brother and I ended our life-long friendship then. It just stopped, and we haven’t been friends, like we were since then. At the time, I felt like that teenager who had lost another newly-minted acquaintance to my sister again. I honestly haven’t grieved as much for any lost friendship like I did for the one I lost with my brother. That said, I know now that relationships change and alter as we all grow older and I have also worked a lot on forgiving myself for feeling resentment towards my sister. I’m also still trying to tune into my motives for starting up a friendship with someone and evaluating the real compatibility that might be there rather than worrying about whether that new person will prefer my sister over me or whether they will hurt me or not.
So, years down the line I have tried to make good girl friends. I did make a really great friend who was probably the best girl friendship I’ve ever had a few years ago, but I moved to another country and she moved to another state and we lost touch after a year or so being apart. I now know how awesome girl friendships can be and I have to say, she taught me that my value as a friend is real and is separate from that of my sister. What an amazing gift.
Now, I’m finding it harder than ever to make good girl friends, but this is really down to circumstances. I am married, expecting my first baby and have only been living in this new city for a year. I have spent the last year swamped with postgraduate study and full time work as well as learning to live with my husband and adapting to my new family. I feel that I haven’t had the time to really make friendships work or the energy to put effort into it. I don’t blame myself because I know that this year has been a hard one in terms of time management, physical, emotional and financial stress, deadlines and just adjustment. I feel that moving has definitely impacted my habits of forming new friendships, but I’m looking forward to carrying out my husband’s and my plan to move closer to my family, who are now permanently settled in the States. I really feel that I’m ready to settle down and raise my family with the support of my husband and my own family and to form some real ties to a community. I feel I’ve seen enough of the world for now and I also feel a real gra for good, supportive girl friends. So I’m going to work at it. I’m going to accept personalities, changing needs in friendships, changing life circumstances and look to provide others with the support they need when they need it as well as to ask for just that for myself!
Lots of love sent out to everyone and hope for new visions of human relations.
My husbands family is very materialistic,,selfish and jealous of me.They talk to me,, but I know they don’t like me..It has come back to me.They don’t think I am good enough for them..All they do is talk about money..I work at 2 jobs,,my husband has a good job..But that is not good enough for them,,because I don’t drive around in fancy car,or live in a big fancy house,,I don’t flash money around like them..We have our own home,a tralier,,I quite happy with that..,we have our own vehicles,,older vehicles,etc..They said that if I was making more money we could have newer things. These people like keeping up with the Jonassons,,Always trying to keep up with the neighbours.. My stepson said to me that it makes him mad that if his dad dies everything goes to me..We don’t have alot of fancy things..Greedy,,disrespectful stepson..My husbands family is so selfish..I hate being around them..They act like they are better then everyone around them.I avoid them as much as I can..My husband said to me to stop worrying about what his family thinks of me…Myself and my husband get along great when we are away from his family.They stress me out,,and we do have arguments about his family.So I avoid them. I don’t talk to my stepson ,,I don’t like him at all.This is causing problems for me and my husband.I have done nothing wrong to his family..I was always nice to them..I am just not good enough because I don’t have alot of money like them..
Your story makes me want to cry. Also, I can totally relate to how you feel and how people just seem to walk on you and your feelings. ignore you like you don’t exist. rude to you like you don’t matter (the husband yelling NO). People like that haven’t learned what it means to be human.
I have no friends. It is hard, but I keep trying. If I’m going to teach my 2 year old to “never give up” how could I?
I was not close to my mother, eventhough she loved me with all her heart. My mom stayed at home. 7 kids. I was excruciatingly shy as a kid. We were poor and I was totally embarrased. My mother refused to let me participate in any school activities because I was so upset if I didn’t do as good as I wanted. I went to live with my father in Alaska. He left me there. No cool clothes. No hair-do’s…It CANNOT be about that (clothes, hair). If it is, well I’ll just never have any friends…and would have no interest in it. I stay physically fit, although I am a little overweight. I work out 30 min to an hour almost every day, but I guess my hypothyroid makes it more difficult for me to keep the weght off. At my best count, I have moved 41 times in 40 years…and about to move again…and sick of it.
Since I entered adulthood, I’ve had plenty of money to do things, buy things…perfumes, etc. It’s not about stuff…I don’t think. I’m thinking it’s more about finding people who have things in common with you. Right now, I am a 41 year old mother of a 2 year old in a town full of upper class young stay at home moms with dr.’s and lawyers for husbands. I just don’t relate to them. No matter how hard I try…or how hard they try. They don’t mind using me as a free babysitter tho. Also, I finally realized just a few minutes ago…people have always used me not only because I have allowed it, but sometimes inadvertently invited it…thinking favors would be returned, etc. I would love to find a town full of middle aged, middle class moms to mingle with and see if I could make a connection or two…but that’s just my situation right now….before my daughter it was a totally different story.
I also feel the pain of being lonely. I grew up with my maternal grandmother, she was not the friendliest person to begin with and did not like it when I tried to make friends. I know she loved me dearly, yet she was never affectionate. I do not remember her ever coming over to give me a hug or a kiss just because. I do not blame her though, now, I can only imaging what kind of life she had growing up herself. I do not have a close relationship with my siblings or relatives and when we see each other we are friendly but distant at the same time. I did not have a good relationship with my mother in my younger years, but now she calls me and I would usually call her back. Needless to say every time I had a boyfriend the romance was short lived, sometimes I would get the guy back just to treat him cold and unloving once again. It was not until I had my daughter, she was and is the only person I can shower with kisses and hugs and tell her how much I love her. Unfortunately, this has not been good enough because from the tender age of 6 she has been traveling back and forth to her father and me. Now she is 19 and very independent. It hurts me so much, I blame myself for not keeping her close to me at all times. There are women who when they separate from the children’s father they do the impossible to keep the father away, but I couldn’t, it was not my right to do so, my daughter has a good relationship with her father, with his family, she is a sweet, loving person. So why do I feel so lonely, how come I do not have one single friend? I thought that if I married, have a house, a good job a nice neighborhood my daughter would choose to live with me, so I married, the only problem is that I’m still in love with my last boyfriend. (yes, the same guy that left me because he thought I did not love him), now my life is done- I am trapped in a loveless marriage, I do not have the love of the man I desire and I do not have my only child close to me. At times, I feel so lonesome I wish to disappear but I know my daughter will need me one day so I need to wait, perhaps when she has her own children she will let me share in the happiness to shower my grandchildren with all the love I’m capable to give. I envy women who have close friends, my sister for example, is always posting pictures of her wonderful life having fun with friends almost every day and on every social occasion. I even refuse to attend to my husband’s family reunions because I feel so left out, can’t think of anything to say to start a conversation no matter how much effort they try to include me in. I hate living like this, but its hopeless, it is too late to try building relationships at this point.
Sounds like she was trying to tell you this last time that her doctor thinks she was depressed. People on medication sometimes change and are not the same as we knew them before. And yes, she was wrong in saying you should be checked for depression too. Sounds like she didn’t like her diagnosis so she would put it off on you!
Same here….. there is just some things you don’t want to talk to your mother about. If your like me when I talk to my mom everything is good with me and staying busy with the kids and house, when really all you really need is someone to be a close enough friend to talk to…and to listen….and to want to be your friend and to be happy to hear your voice or see your face. I truly understand.
This is me, exactly!! I work as an Events Manager (extremely social role) and I know so many people but have zero close friends. I moved and travelled a lot as an adult, have a two year old daughter and back at university studying Urban and Regional Planning. I too would rather talk about current events, gardening, sport etc than clothes or hair any day. I also find conversations with men easy and I prefer the topics and the humour.
For me, I think I don’t really need close friends. I may want them but, really, deep down inside, I prefer my to work in my garden or to paint a room. I am learning to accept this side of my personality and embrace my drive and independence. I also think other women find me a little threatening, I work, study, garden, play sport have a clean and organised home and love my daughter to bits. I am always happy and rarely have much to complain about. I hate female catiness and always stand up for the underdog.
Wow so sad is this feeling of loneliness. I have felt it all my 45 years I have 2 kids and a mother close by I have no one else who speaks to me. I am very shy and scared of people. I have fun with my kids and I wish I could just be grateful to have that. Wish I could Be normal
Sounds like my friend ,if you can call her that, maybe “frenemy”. These women want to use us, then when someone else comes around that they think is more important. Yep, you’re thrown on the back burner. I wouldn’t call her again! You have gone above and beyond since you are the only one to make the contacts each separation period. Maybe she is the type that can only have 1 friend at a time. Uses you for a few years then moves on. Wonder who she tosses aside when you call her after six years. If you do make a contact again, just think she’s getting older and she might need your support for medical issues and the such. Just skip it. She wasn’t a friend when you needed her. Nothing lost.
That is the same way I get treated by practically everyone I’m supposedly close to. Gezzzz seriously, with friends like I have why even bother. As a matter of fact, I was just at my neighbors house visiting , when all of a sudden it was more important for her to take a phone call from a co-worker and sit there and make idol chit chat. I was sitting there waiting for her to get off the phone for a good 20mins. We had been rudely interrupted by the call, and instead of telling the lady on the phone she would have to call her back, she just kept gabbing to her about co worker work stuff….20mins passed and I just excused myself and left ……sometimes i feel like I don’t even exist in the eyes of these people, and that I’m only important to them when they need something. Them meaning, my children , my so called friends , neighbors , etc.
I return a person’s text, email, and other forms of communications promptly unless I have excommunicated them for one very good reason or the other.
In the age of smart phones and various other intrepid devices that are built for mobility and multi-tasking , why on earth would it take someone more than a day to give you a simple response, or to respond back to you with even at bare minimum a simple text? I’m have to call bullshit on that one!
I have the same thing happen to me on a frequent basis as well. I never stop being amazed at how rude and inconsiderate people can be . All it takes is a short reply, just reply back for heavens sake .
Oh and I love the people who won’t entertain new friendships because they already have enough friends and don’t need or want any more. Wow how interesting and fulfilled their life must be. When you feel they you have to reject new friendships on the premise that , you have way to many friends already, and one or two more would just be over kill and a complete burden. Ha Ha good for them. I wish I had that problem.
I suppose we all can’t be celebrated and adored , and in wicked high demand as to have people fighting and gushing all over themselves to be to come our BFF .
I have become my number one and only best friend lately, Ha Lately…..try the past four years.
I don’t mind being alone., but I do wish I could find someone to who likes the same things I like and who wants to do the sames things I like to do. Someone who just wants to have fun and not be to judgemental or serious . I’ve always been the odd girl out. You know the one that talks to herself and then answers herself back. I will ask myself questions and then I answer them, I find myself shopping alone , but yet, I’ve still become quite good at keeping the dialogue between me and myself flowing at a steady rate. Except for when I have to muffle myself with my hand to
shush myself when someone passes by, or sees me mumbling in a department store isle . At this point in my life I have learned to enjoy spending time with myself while by myself . Never the less however, it would be nice to have my fantasy friends around and available for idle chit chat and girl talk or a occasional lunch engagement or night out on the town with rich conversation that could go on for hours , In my little fantasy friendship world we talk for hours and I find myself enlightened , understood, and excepted and loved by all of those with whom have shared with inside our little group of friends. We share our moments of weakness and strength , loves and losses , humiliating and proudest moments. We are Unafraid , proud , humble., and Void of the desperate nature of those who will dazzle you with their charm and attention and then use everything that you have told them as weapons of your mass destruction one glorious and unexpected day . Your life will be in ruins, your heart broken by betrayal , and you feel as if you’ve been stripped naked and paraded through a busy downtown street, humiliated, afraid, and all alone, just One big hot naked mess . They sadistically enjoy the pain they make you suffer as they unleash emotional warfare against you. Beautiful is a rose , but unforgiving are its thorns
Yes I’ve seen the dark side of friendship. Haven’t we all.? Perhaps this is why we choose loneliness rather than waste needless energy making new friends. who will only in the end betray us? There is a risk when you get to close, assume to much, trust to soon, and ignore warning signs of a friend turning foe
There are those who will bleed you out slowly , and then there are those who come from behind, and go straight for the heart with a sharpened to perfection, Ginsu carving knife. The Ginsu carving knife types will leave you with a hole to big to heal. And cause damage beyond repair. You will never trust another living soul again, because if your best friend could betray you in such a heinous way, then what would stop someone else from doing the same thing. What we should remember and burn into our memory is that those closest to us are the ones who can hurt us the most. Never give anyone to much power over your life. There is a Judas around every corner. Trust no one.
Moving on to.. The Slow Bleeders. These seemingly passive pathetic types are never happy. They are convinced that the world is against them. The cup is always empty and never half full. They latch on to you like a blood sucking parasite and hold you responsible for all the bad things that have happened in their life. A real Mr or Mrs Gloom and Doom. They usually attach their selves to you because you have something they want or fore fill some fantasy they play out over and over again in their head. They live in a world of make believe and expect you submit to their fantasy of how they think things should be. A World with endless expectations housed on top of countless disappointments they will blame you and others for. They will tell you anything to get your approval and to get what they want. from you. They lie, betray , deceive, steal, use guilt as a weapon, and betray you to your friends, family, and co-works. They continuously play the sympathy card and Because you feel sorry for them, you continuously believe their lies and give them a pass because they seem so pathetic and child like. You don’t realize until its to late that they are sucking the life right out of you…and then when the shit hits the fan and your dearly depressed friend moves on and changes their phone number and gives you no forwarding address. Leaving you shaking your head and completely unsure of what was real and what wasn’t., but totally convinced that your a complete idiot. and that you’ve just made a complete fool of yourself because you trusted such a schmuck.
My solution: Before you try to make any new friends. Get a reliable therapist . Tell him your inner most secrets and fears and thoughts. Never tell your darkest feelings to someone you think you can trust , because in the end there is always the chance that relationship will become compromised , and we know how that can end up. I even confess to my therapist about all of the bad stuff I think about. Thoughts that are violent and menacing and somewhat disturbing . The great thing about a therapist is that they can help you to understand why you may be feeling the way you do, and can help you rationalize your feelings of anger or sadness, feelings of defeat and humiliation, feelings of loss and loneliness. Not only are they a friend with whom you can tell everything to, They can also help validate and justify the feelings you may be struggling with by giving you insight as to why you may be feeling or acting out in certain ways. Actions that could be damaging to future relationships you may be seeking out at present. Seeing a professional can give you clear knowledge as to why a relationship may have failed and give you comfort while dealing with the pain and agony that comes with a break up.
They can also help you in your understanding of others actions and give you coping methods in dealing with those of which you do not understand , and may be at odds with . Giving you a better understanding as to why they may act out in such a way, and help you learn to cope , while managing your own emotions when dealing with simple every day annoyances , mid level stress that make you feel like banging your head against a brick wall , and the most undesired apocalyptic moments that make you want to go and box someones ears and then poke their eyes balls out with your thumbs. Yes we’ve all felt that way. hypothetically, but not to the point of actually doing it…..I have a vivid imagination when I’m angry….so please don’t take my violent tendencies to seriously… We’ve all had moments of rage and fury and thoughts of reigning hell and all it’s fury down on everyone’s head . I was .just trying to help you to associate with, and perhaps capture the emotions yourself, that I have felt when having to deal with less than favorable circumstances , and a unpleasant out come.
I have found more times than not that it is easier, and far more peaceful in the long run just to break away from a situation that may be causing you great angst and continual irritation, but as we all know misery loves company.. I will never understand the human condition, but I will continue to try.
Sorry if I got off track. My head has been swirling for the past couple of years as I try to understand what went wrong in my failed past relationships that practically fell apart simultaneously , one right after the other. One that lasted more than 13yrs my BFF…. more like my BFN ” best friend never” yeah what ever.
I’m convinced it was them and not me….I was the one who severed the relationship when things went sideways. I mean ” crooked as a dogs hind leg ” sideways. .
The one thing I know now is that I want to meet people who are honest and have only good intentions and like me for me and the big blather mouth that I can be sometimes. . Sorry for going off on a tangent…..I do that sometimes
thx for letting me vent
Just remember that you don’t need a whole townful. You just need one
Don’t listen to what other people say. Don’t discount people who seem different. Give your friendships a chance.
Warm regards, Irene
Hello. So you have tried groups too and couldn’t form a friendship as a result? Join the club! Many of us here have had that problem. In your case, you were able to form close friendships before you moved, so clearly you have that skill. Don’t lose confidence or hope. I have no solutions, but I can offer encouragement. It sounds like at this stage of your life your life is quite committed already to being a mother, so that is a big factor you should not overlook.
I find myself like many of the others here, wanting close female relationships and feeling left out when others do have them. I do have sisters and am close to them but none live near me, so it still feels very lonely on a day to day basis. Like others, I have found it easier to be friend with men but have found that as a SAHM that is harder to do now and seems suspicious.
I thought about your questions. I was not close to my mother and did live in a home that I was ashamed of. I had a good relationship with my Dad growing up. Interestingly, my sisters all have close friends. I used to have close friends but have moved as an adult and have found it hard to make new ones. Not sure when it got so hard to make friends. I find it harder and harder to open up to people especially since I am not sure where the friendship will go.
It is hard too because I still have small children but am pulled in lots of directions bc of my older children.
In an attempt to make friends, I have joined many groups but can’t seem to get beyond being casual friends. I am very insecure about the fact that it always seems like everyone else is great friends and I am out of the loop.
I am 22going on 23 years old and live in small town Iowa. I live in the country with my parents as I’m saving up to move out and the town my address is in is where I went to Elementary school and in another town 25 minutes away I went to Jr. high and high school.
Most of the 45 students in my class have moved away and the one’s that come back to visit family or the few that have stated ended mostly going to drinking parties and then leaving to go back to where they go to college. I never get invited to parties and it seems that I would not want to as a lot of drama happens.
My parents have been on me about making friends, however in small towns it is very hard to do.
As well I have been working with the mentally challenged for 4 years, but find it hard to make friends with co workers due to most of them being 30+ years older than me. I do have three good friends however two of them live in New Jersey and the last one lives in Finland. The town I work in is 30 minutes away from me and there appears to be some women my age there, but when I e – mailed a old classmate of mine who lived there for a while I was informed that the women were very click and had all sorts of drama. I also sought out another source who also informed me quote, “You would hate the women, they drink a lot, they have lots of drama, your too sweet and any way you like Nirvana and drawing and old movies like gypsy 83 and your very unique like a women from the 60′s you would never relate to them, there the opposite of you” Which is very true, I love to writer poetry, draw, play guitar, reading, and none of the women here are not into that. Which it appears the basis of forming a friendship is having common interest.
I dress very plain, jeans and a black shirt, limited make up and I just keep my natural dark brown hair down with bangs and it is wavy, but it appears that some people think I’m goth or a hippie, which I don’t care about labels. I use to wonder if it was my attitude because I am a quiet person and don’t speak unless I have something important to say or am asked a question, but lots of people I work with inform me that they love how I am a sweetheart and have the ability to speak my opinions and how unique I am.
Today again my parents informed me that they felt I should be more open and have more friends like my siblings who are very social and have lots of friends.
My question is when a person lives in a area made up of mostly small town and nothing in common with the people there how can she make friends?
I am 22going on 23 years old and live in small town Iowa. I live in the country with my parents as I’m saving up to move out and the town my address is in is where I went to Elementary school and in another town 25 minutes away I went to Jr. high and high school.
Most of the 45 students in my class have moved away and the one’s that come back to visit family or the few that have stated ended mostly going to drinking parties and then leaving to go back to where they go to college. I never get invited to parties and it seems that I would not want to as a lot of drama happens.
My parents have been on me about making friends, however in small towns it is very hard to do.
As well I have been working with the mentally challenged for 4 years, but find it hard to make friends with co workers due to most of them being 30+ years older than me. I do have three good friends however two of them live in New Jersey and the last one lives in Finland. The town I work in is 30 minutes away from me and there appears to be some women my age there, but when I e – mailed a old classmate of mine who lived there for a while I was informed that the women were very click and had all sorts of drama. I also sought out another source who also informed me quote, “You would hate the women, they drink a lot, they have lots of drama, your too sweet and any way you like Nirvana and drawing and old movies like gypsy 83 and your very unique like a women from the 60′s you would never relate to them, there the opposite of you” Which is very true, I love to writer poetry, draw, play guitar, reading, and none of the women here are not into that. Which it appears the basis of forming a friendship is having common interest.
I dress very plain, jeans and a black shirt, limited make up and I just keep my natural dark brown hair down with bangs and it is wavy, but it appears that some people think I’m goth or a hippie, which I don’t care about labels. I use to wonder if it was my attitude because I am a quiet person and don’t speak unless I have something important to say or am asked a question, but lots of people I work with inform me that they love how I am a sweetheart and have the ability to speak my opinions and how unique I am.
Today again my parents informed me that they felt I should be more open and have more friends like my siblings who are very social and have lots of friends.
My question is when a person lives in a area made up of mostly small town and nothing in common with the people there how can she make friends?
I was one of those who grew up noticing how other fathers interacted with my schoolmates. One stood out inparticular. It was funny because in the 13 years I attended school I seemed to be in the same places they were the zoo, amusement park, a church sponsored function. It depressed me to see how wonderful her dad was. To my surprise her brother ended upliking me but I was so far gone by then. I heard a sermon years later a preacher talking about how he would not allow his kids around any kids who were not loved or had parents who did not care. That always made me feel bad. This schoolmate had a best friend her parents liked because she lived in a big house. That friend of hers ended up a horrible influence all she wanted was sex and ended up with a liter of kids.
Needless to say I thought they were stuck up.
That whole rule about staying away from unloved or abused kids is bullshit.
I only enjoy chatting it up for short periods of time. I have learned that if you want to be friends with other women you have to give up your opinion about just about everything.
I am not a sympathic person by nature. I do not fake emotions as most women do. I am 53 and find that most women my age and older have let themselves go and have no interest in men. Being around them has made me want to never turn out like that. They are basic asexual, unics, with to much red lipstick. I would rather die then to end up like them. There is no point in befriending women at any age. They are never going to help you out. It is my experience better to make friends with men and have fun…EDITED BY MODERATOR BECAUSE OF INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT…
I love what you wrote about “Forming a close friendship with a woman is like trying to swim across the Atlantic…” So true. I got really burnt a few years ago by a “friend” of 10 years. It was always me inviting her to lunch (mistake #1 — friendships need to be two-way). Both her mother and father developed illnesses in their 60s and passed away from unusual diseases and I was there for her every single step of the way. Then my dear brother passed away unexpectedly, and she was no where to be found and actually dumped me…guess she was too “busy” to be there for me. I actually got over that (it took some time, but I did), but now another friend of 7 years blindsided me — she has been complaining non-stop about her marriage and I have always listened to be helpful, and I only found out last week she has been having an affair — she used me, and many others to give her support, but did not tell the truth. I really get annoyed with trying to understand women in general. I’ve read several books on this, including Dr. Levine’s, which was very helpful. I think women are often times very complicated and competitive…I do have a number of female “friends” but I also realize that these relationships will come and go like the wind — there doesn’t seem to be any long term stability. I have a very dear husband and sister, so I would rather spend time with them than these women. There is a lot of “hype” about women being nurturing, caring, feeling, intuitive, loyal…it’s just hype. Don’t buy into it. I’m a member of two women’s community groups and I found that the best way to keep your head above water in the strange sea of women is to be friends with a group — enjoy the meetings, chit chat, work on projects together, but don’t try to pair off and make a best friend. From my 62 years of experience, being friends with a group is just fine. At least the group will hopefully still be around in 10 years, but the so-called friend may dry up in 6 months. As far as I know, this problem of wanting female friendships to be lasting and healthy is a universal problem no matter what the age range is — but we all seem to get burnt by women we liked and trusted…
This is the story of my life only I never moved past the age of four. I worked like a mule from the age of five, worked a job in high school. Most girls back then and women now are so spoiled I keep finding myself being ridiculed. I cannot even fit into a Christian group the women even though they had struggles were better off than me. The only friend I ever really made was a foreigner who understands me. I have taken up learning an instrument. I pray too. What else can you do?
I have gone through the same upbringing like you have. Everything you said took the words right out of my mouth. I have such a big heart so its difficult to say no to people. But that just makes things worse. I hope one day we can talk and form a friendship. : )
Reading your comment I realized that im not the only one who feels the same way. I hope we can talk and form a friendship. I also have alot of male friends. Its nice,but alot of them want something more. I feel like I have to pick one. I am just to nice and dont want to hurt their feelings. Because if I do then I feel like I would wind up with noone. : (
I was thinking the same thing! But we all just sit and stare at each other? lol
Maybe we should start a club on yahoo or somewhere.
I’ll keep watching for replies.
Wow, I could have written all your stories
Instead of writing mine, can I just ask you all a few questions? Perhaps we can all learn from each other. I hope you dont mind but here goes.
were you close to your mother? was she nice to you? around or working? did you grow up in a happy home or one to be ashamed of? did you have money to buy new clothes and wear all the new styles and make up? did you go to a hair salon when you were a teen?
is it that women dont want to be seen with us and our out of style selves?
.
do you exercise and stay fit? do you go out with your husband?
what was your relationship with your father? did he act like he loved and respected you as a human being? or were you punished way too hard and made to feel as if you were stupid and useless?
Maybe its the way we were raised. Not the moving so much. Im sure that has a lot to do with it but if you had a good secure foundation, knowing you were loved, someone of value, wore the “cool” clothes, got to get your hair done and buy the latest perfumes, wouldnt that make it easier for you to make friends?
does anyone see where Im going with this? I am not a “troll” I am a very lonely, woman with zero, count em, ZERO close friends. I text people and they IGNORE ME! I write letters and they are not responded to. One time I called a g/f (oh sure) to tell her I was coming over to give her, her bd present. Oh darn, she didnt answer (she had caller i.d.) so I just decided to go over and drop it off on her porch. when i got there, not only was she there but so was her son. what a fool i was…am…was…and I thought she was my BEST FRIEND for the last 15 years!!! What a JOKE!!!
One time *(i had started thinking that perhaps we needed to spend more time together. Our husbands knew each other and liked each other, so, I asked if she and her husband would like to go out the upcoming friday.) She said, oh, Im more of a spur of the moment person. why dont you call friday and ask me then, and I’ll ask my husband too.” omg, did i get that clue? NO! So I assumed and told husband we were probably going out with them. I called friday and asked. she said “oh um, oh, its so late” then she asked her husband who was obviously near her if he wanted to go out with us and he yelled NO in the phone!!! What the hell was that all about? I had never done anything to deserve this treatment and I thought he actually liked us.
so as you can see, I am one of you, but am desperate to find answers. would any of you mind answering some of my questions and perhaps we together can figure this out.
Also, I am very shy, yet I am also very funny and love to make people laugh. I can be the life of any party…so I thought.
Oh and the little girl in the picture? That was me.
thanks
lonely
My life has been described in most of these post. Just turned 54, stay at home mom, the last being a 17yr old. My only close friendship has been off and on for over 30yrs, this last time ending about a yr ago. We started out friends because we were neighbors. I was the one that rang her doorbell first. She had just given birth to a baby boy, and he was a cutey! We both had 9yr olds too, hers a boy, mine a girl. they became friends but not super close. To shorten the story, she moved across town, we were still friends for a couple of yrs. I made most of the calls, her kids were always in gifted programs and mine were average to good. I always listened and praised things they had and did. We both had another baby, both girls, her third,my second. We lost touch when the girls were 18 months. I sent her a letter after a while, maybe 4 yrs or so. She wrote back and said they moved to STL and gave me her phone #. This lasted a few yrs then nothing again. We talked at least twice a week and sometimes every day, exchanging recipes and such. Never know what happened. Racked my brain over this for yrs. I call her 6yrs later and the conversation just continues , neither one of us mentions the 6 yr break, so now here we are again. The last time I called a year ago she said she left her phone at home, talked briefly. We texted more the last yr than phoned. She asked a question about Farmville(game on computer), I replied that I didn’t know and not really playing anymore. She replied that her Dr had given her literature on depression and that I might want to look into that. What? I called and texted a couple of times after that night(no response) and said forget it again. Told my husband I’m too old to wait another 6 or 7 yrs to try and make a connection again. I did that all the times before. I went thru a divorce during the first down time. She was there when it started but didn’t want to hear about it. When I evaluate everything I was the giver and she the taker.She is still in STL area. We have since moved but are the only ones to go visit before and we always paid for dinner when we went out, at least twice a yr for the last few since we moved away. Hope she reads this and sees herself. My husband says she wouldn’t recognize that she was in the wrong. And yes, she is married and the husband went to dinner and was always included. We drove 6 hrs to go to her daughters wedding a couple of yrs ago. What to do????
I noticed that most of my friends are guys too.
I used to think it was nice, having platonic male friends. But the truth is that the friendships have started with the men being interested in me romantically and then me converting the relationships to friends. I also think friends dont have any sexual tension so then I think I really only have 1 male friend –he is someone who is like a brother to me. The other men I have friended have admitted that if I was interested, they would be physically intimate with me. I have had a few women friendships but one female friend was just always negative and was inconsistently supportive. My other female friend is always supportive–90+ percent of the time, but we are not close friends, she is fun to hang out with and she is kind, but sometimes she gets tied up with men who don’t seem to be healthy for her and she is sporadically available. I would love to meet emotionally mature, stable, women who are fun, intelligent, candid, to create close friendships with. I think its healthy.
As a young chid I was a military brat. Then when I was 7 my parents divorced and my mom I suppose couldn’t stop with all the moving. I went to 3 elementaries,3 Jr. Highs,4 high schools and might I add I only went to high school for 3 years b/c I was able to skip my Jr. year. So as I child I never had any close friends because it seemed as as soon as my roon got unpacked and settled we would be moving again. Now as an adult and I have 4 children of my own I never realized my moving so much as a child could have been what makes me so lonely and friendless. I have moved my children so many times and for no reason other than I was bored on the location. I guess for me it’s a habit of not beong able to quit moving. I have no close friends. Hell let’s be honest I have no friends. I have my husband and have been married for 12 years and to be honest find it perculiar that I am able to keep that a float…. My friends are my family. I try to make friends and people say that I am nice and I am a people pleaser and that I have a good heart , but then I find these same people to stab me in the back talk bad about me . So i am wondering if the problem is me that I moved so many times that I don’t know how to socially interact or is it those who had a “stable” life and they had the same friends all there life and they know nothing else and won’t expand their horizons on meeting new people. See I think this study os maybe half correct. I think yes there can be some ssues from moving all the time, but it gives those peple a chance to experience the globe and meet new people and to be open. If you are born and raised in the same town and have had the same close circle of friends since Kindergarten and instead of embracing new they reject new and make it seem as if it is the outsider who has faults. They know nothing else and can’t embrace new. So to be honest I think those of us who have no friends because of moving so much I don’t think it is primarily b/cwe have moved so much I think it is because we have moved and have been friends with a collective group of people. Never a click or what not. And now that we are older and possibly we are settled down and we are looking for close friendships it is hard for us to find that collective group that we are use to . Because either way we are still the outsiders of a town of people born and raised here and most don’t want new or change to their routine. No matter if we have settled now we will always be strangers to any town we live in because we won’t pass by that girl that we went to lunch together in high school or you wont pass that guy in the grocery store that you had your first crush on in elementary. You won’t be out running errands and run into someone you know from the past school days. And to me that isn’t a debilatating things because means I am less attached and I am able to move freely and get to know even more people around this world. The world is so big we werent meant to just stay put and not get to know all. Yes at times I feel alone but the way I see it is that you make your life the way you want it and if you want change you will make change….
I completely understand what you mean. My husbands side of the family is the exact same way, they will talk to you when no one is around, but as soon as one of their “friends” comes around suddenly I am invisible.. Very uncomfortable situation to be in.. I eventually gave up on the relationship with them after many times of simply not feeling like I’m good enough to be around them.. Plus, we don’t have anything in common except for my Husband.. I’m sorry For you hope things get better..
I’m the same way, every single girl I was ever friends with always took advantage of me and burned me badly. Once I met my husband I let them go for the best and haven’t been able to make any friends since them. I guess it’s partly because of trust issues and because I’m just scared to let anyone in besides my close members of my family and my children. I hope things get better for you.. If you ever wanna chat you can email me, if you want. [email protected]
Not all women are like this – but the women at the party were rude. Don’t make the excuse for them that you have nothing in common – I’ve done this before with a similar clique and it ate away at my self esteem. At the very least the hostess should have noticed you were alone and came to speak to you/ tried to introduce you to others – that’s just basic manners when having guests around.
Wow. I am a military brat and I find it very hard to have meaningful relationships with people. It makes me feel sad that I am unable to do this. Even my one friend from junior high I have known for 20 yrs has changed and has been mean to me , but I dealt with it for so long , her cousins and sisters have all ganged up on me also . I feel like I don’t want to be friends with people who just take from me and do not give backa , also , I feel as if most people don’t care if they are friends with me or not . My high school friends went to ivy league schools and or got a masters and I went to a 2 yr trade school , so I feel not intelligent as them , those friends were also very mean to me , and I took it for a long time . I don’t know why I let girls be mean to me . I am 34 and have a baby . Now I feel as if the most important thing to me is my family .
I’m only in the eleventh grade and feel this way. My family has moved two or three times while i have been in school, the most recent move being last year. I’m a pretty shy person and i know that i’m shy. Its something i have tried and am trying to work with. This could have to do with moving or with the fact that i was homeschooled for five years when i was younger. Whatever the reason i am rather quiet and often just dont know what to say in social situations, although i try my best to be outgoing and friendly, especially to people who are quieter, like me. Going to a new school has been especially hard. I have had to go to two new schools in one year, which i am sure hasnt helped my situation, and i have been put into so many new situations that have forced me to talk to people and i am greatful for those situations because they have really helped me get better at putting myself out there, but they have also made me realize that that doesnt always necessarily work.
?
Before i moved i had two girls who i would classify as close friends. We had a lot in common and they knew the real me and didnt care that i was quiet. I try to still keep in touch with them, but often we just cant talk on the ohone or skype for various reasons.
I keep thinking things are going to get better, but they arent. It makes me really depressed thinking about the future, actually. I try so hard to keep hoping for the future and that things will change for the better, that i CAN and WILL make friends, but it can get really hard. If i didnt have any friends celebrating my sweet sixteen, how can i expect to have anyone at a graduation party, or a wedding shower (we’re thinking far into the future here
I am just so glad i found this, even it half of the posts dont relate to me because i dont have a husband or family (other than my parents and siblings). Its just nice to know that people feel the same way i do.
I haven’t had a real friends for over 25 years. For many years school and work friends filled in the gaps. I had 3 friends, total, who who closer to the best friend variety, but I don’t think, looking back, it was mutual. Now I realize that friendships were mostly by opportunity, workplace, school, neighborhood. I was tolerated, used to do things and get places (I had transportation and money).
I had a couple of aquaintances in my 20′s and early 30′s based on my H’s friendship with their husbands. We had kids similar ages. But then we moved and those just died.
I haven’t been able to make friends here because I homeschooled our kids, am a housewife…The women here have their cliques built around their jobs, the schools they send their kids to and the afterschool activities they’re involved in.
My H thinks I’m making this up. He thinks that if I just had the right attitude, then it would all be resolved. And I did try to join things a few times through church…but as I said, these women are “good” i.e., don’t need anyone else in their groups.
Back in Dec. a friend of my H’s was having a birthday party. Everyone was invited, my H’s other friends, their wives and kids. We arrived, and everyone was already there. Most of the main group is our age (40′s) but they had kids later than we did, so they all have a least a couple school aged children. (We have 2 kids, 18 and 20 years old)
The “hostess” told us to help outselves to the food layed out on the table. Everyone was standing in the tiny kitchen eating off plates they were holding. We got our food and stood there …. and then the hostess told me (and my 18 year old daughter) that we could take our food in the other room.
The other room was a large living / rec room. The kids were in there jumping and playing and playing video games. Daughter and I were stuck sitting on a couch facing the t.v. watching the kids play video games.
The hostess and a couple other women came back and forth to deal with their kids but wouldn’t look at us or talk to us … finally two of H’s male friends came over and sat down and tried to make small talk.
It was TORTURE!!! I made it through 2 hours of stiffly sitting on this couch watching video games and trying to act like I wasn’t hating every minute. Then I asked H if we could PLEASE go?!
I’ve never talked to H about this…he is sanguine temperament and just doesn’t get it about people, and especially women..and how hard it is to make friends. I was just so glad to be free of that place and those people and I was relieved to know that I never had to see them again!
Over the weekend, this same friend of my H’s, called and invited him (us) to camp out with them and the other men and wives and their kids. H mentioned it and I said something like that’s great for them, they have kids the same ages…
WE HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT! nothing in common! H just does not understand it at all.
Those women were so rude to me, I never want to go through that again…and the women at church did the same thing.
I don’t think I’ll ever have a friendship again. Women tend to be insecure, competitive and jealous. They also tend to stick with their core group and not let new people in. It’s just that way.
I know I am 36 and I don’t have any children, but even I can’t find a click to get in with. I took up belly dance because I always want to learn, in the four years that I took, not once was I able to make any friends. Other girls became fast friends and would do thing together outside of the dance studio and I would see the photos on FB, and they call each other sisters! I never had sisters and would have liked to have one. It does hurt to know that these have found a deep friendship with each other but not with me then it makes me wonder what is wrong with me.
I think what you were doing is awesome. Growing up my mother would often go over to people house just for a visit. nothing fancy, just dropping by to say hi.
it does get tiresome when the effort isn’t made both ways. I feel your pain.
I would like to congratulate you on your upcoming wedding. Your story is almost similar to mine. In high school I was friends with this girl and we stayed friends after high school, but then for some weird reason she was bad mouthing to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend brother (who I just happen to be dating) informed me what was going on. I confronted her but she gave some lame excuse. A few other friends in high school starting using drugs and that weren’t me so there was that. I told my hubby people love me and called me their best friend and then they leave me once they feel I am no longer of use to them.
When I was getting married I almost decided to go to the court house and not have a party. Even now I think back to if I was pregnant I wouldn’t even have a baby shower, because who would come. I never had a birthday party; even if I did it would only be my husband family (a total of 5 people) would come.
Sucks because the older you get the harder it is. People are so busy and involved with their family or in my cases are so broke they can’t do much.
I have the exact same worries. Especially since I have no children and its just my hubby and my animals. He has one son but the kid doesn’t like to talk. The few friends that I do have they live far away and I don’t have the funds to go and see them. Or go out and do things. Since I am living pay check to pay check. They all seem to be computer dummy, or too worried about downloading and catching a virus. I want to Skype and chat but they won’t do it.
Since they have young children they are always busy doing those activities.
“My husband tells me.. You got me baby.. Yes, Yes I do” My husband says the same thing to me. He is perfectly happy being a loner. He only has two close friends and even then they barely call him and vice versa. I am a person that needs to mingle and small talk but the older I get the less it happens. I am not funny, but I am outgoing. Sigh. I hate thinking negative as well. I wonder what would happen to me if I didn’t have my husband. Would I have to join a cult to find some kind of sanity? This sucks. I am grateful for the few that I do have. Even they are hanging by thread. I live far away, from them and with the price of gas the effort to visit each other is hard. They have kids and I don’t so they busy doing kids things.
I feel the same way about putting up an “act”. When I talk to people, especially female, they seem to think I have a lot of friends. I am lucky to even have anybody call and check up on me. I haven’t been one of those people that could relate to guys or girls. I am just in the middle. I am grateful for the two that I have but they feel more like acquaintances. I have a lot of acquaintance but nothing deep. Sigh! At least you have guy friends.
I too have similar issues with making women friends and I don’t have many. I have no problem interfacing with strangers, talking with co-workers, or moms/dads at my son’s events. We host parties at our home on a regular bases and I even seem to have an easy way of making people laugh. However, I just can’t form close female friendships and I was wondering if it’s because of some personality differences. Most women I meet, seem to have the ability to talk so easily about everything…from all the minor daily routines, to in-depth details on clothes, purses, nails, where to go for what or the lastest gossip. As a women, I find it hard to connect at this level. I experience all these day to day things but never think to talk about them. How many times have I seen a new style or something and find out it’s been the rage and little did I know, much less discuss. I would rather think about current events, stocks, gardening, sport events, or home improvement projects. Telling someone in depth details about how I mowed and weed wacked my yard and solved an accounting issue at work, are not topics I bring up. Like a lot of you here, I find talking with men to be so easy and I have a deep wonderful relationship with my husband. Forming a close friendship with a women is like trying to swim across the Atlantic and I normally drown along the way. How many of you have the same issue, connecting on the topics you see women enjoying. Is this part of the problem? I see my sister-in-law walk into a room and spent a hour telling everyone all about her day and what she did (in detail) …and I gladly listen. However I can’t imagine doing the same. Is this part of the connection issue?
I feel the same way and I don’t know what to do. My only friend is my husband and I just can’t seem to get close to anyone else. When I try something always pulls me away. I’m awkward at parties just barely being social enough to get through them and I occasionally try to hangout with my husbands friends but nothing ever comes of it. It’s easier for me to try to make friends with men rather than women but it still doesn’t ever feel right. Maybe because I moved a lot as a kid or because I was homeschooled I don’t know why but im lonely because of it. I can’t help you but I can say I defffinitly understand what you are going through.
Its a bit comforting to know that so many woman have a problem making friends. I am 72 and my only best friend of over 15 years has moved 2,000 miles away to help with a family she knows who is is having problems with a child. She did not tell me she was going for good and had given up her apartment etc. I took her to the airport not knowing she had all her worldly goods in 2 suitcases! She is now far too busy to phone me and in fact never answers her phone just lets everything go to voice mail I just get the occasional very short email
I am retired, am not a church goer and truly have no idea how to find and make friends. I have tried volunteering but there is a lot of competition for places in S. Florida with so many retirees and so far I have only been able to leave my name and address in case a vacancy comes up.
Do you ever get used to having no friends?
After reading another comment. I noticed that some have the same issue here.. I do too. I can become good friends with guys but not with the girls… my husband says its because guys wanna get in my pants.. im like.. i dont think that is all of it. i do believe some are happy to be in the presence of a woman who can agree, and be laid back like them, and they enjoy the company. but when I am with a woman.. I feel insecure b/c (i am sure we are all like this) I feel that they are not to be trusted..us women can be very powerful mean women… and I have had past problems with girls who want to steal away my man or be mean to my friends.. full with lies to get what they want. So i get along with guys. and being married that is bad b/c my husband is protective and sometimes I think he is insecure. But so am I when it comes to women around him. O dear.. I guess that is why I don’t have many friends.
I can say I am a bit outgoing.. not too much outgoing but I can go up to someone and say something if I had to. I am shy in the inside though.. Artistic and I love to keep to myself. Lots of people who have been and are my friends always tell me how funny, outgoing, and fun of a person I am. Some even say that I am easy to get along with. Then why do I feel like I can’t make any friends? I had moved due to my husband being in the military so it was time for me to make friends in a new place. SCARY! That’s when I noticed how I am not confident in myself. I had to learn how to do things by myself, learn how to take care of things if let’s say something happened..know who to call, what to ask for.. I was just so used to my own world of having friends and family help me that now I am scared. Even today.. I am here thinking in negative ways and it is so hard to stay positive when you feel like no one cares
How my life has changed b/c of the move and all, people back at home do not understand my lifestyle or me in that case. They are not here to be with me, so I am alone. My husband tells me.. You got me baby.. Yes, Yes I do.. but I need friends. I have one but we don’t get together as much b/c she has different interests I suppose. I just wish I could find girls my age that would want to be friends with me. Too often I come across girls in my age group but since they are not married and they are in college.. most of them are usually hoes..honestly.. who doesn’t understand the importance of a marriage..much less a relationship. They do things that married women shouldn’t do (b/c when you are married you set aside what once was your single life, flirting w/ other guys, going to clubs..etc) Sigh.. so here I am.. Lonely and still wondering how I can be here w/o any friends, and wish I could just bring all my friends from my hometown to live here with me so I don’t have to feel this way. Pathetic right? Sad. This is me.
By that, I just mean, all the so-called rules of the road have not helped me: “Liking myself and then others will like me”: Nope. “Practice makes perfect:” BIG Nope. No matter how often I “put myself out there,” it NEVER gets easier or more comfortable. Being interested in what the other person has to say rather than thinking about what I want to say (that’s another “rule for the road” I’ve heard): THIS one seems to work … but it doesn’t really. It just makes me-me-me people attracted to me so they can tell me all the stuff going in in their lives and have me front row center in the audience. Loving God, Jesus, the Easter Bunny, Whoever or Whatever: Nope. It doesn’t make presto bingo friends appear or make me more likeable. So …. having said all of this, I do keep trying. And then I get sick of it and I retreat like a turtle in my cave. Then I go out and try again. I don’t hate life, I love life. But I sometimes feel very sad and lonely about my dearth of friends. Yet I enjoy the day and what the day brings. I think that’s okay, personally. I don’t expect to love or even like every single part of life or my life. I take the bitter with the sweet. And cherish every day. But feel free to curse daily disturbances that really rock my world (pain, my own or others’; death of a friend; meannness toward me or others; sickness; scary money problems; worrying about my future ability to care for myself with little money and other resources). I will keep trying. That’s all I know to do. Sorry to put the “negative” spin on your question. But I’m sure you will get answers from others who have tried things that HAVE worked. I just wanted to share my own experience. Thanks for asking the question. Please keep trying. That’s my advice. And good luck to you and to us all.
I read this entire blog and one thing is for sure. There is a lot of sadness and loneliness! I am grateful for this blog because otherwise I am too ashamed to REALLY express how I feel. even to my husband or my therapist.
The thing is I can “act” very well for a short exhausting period of time that I am friendly, at ease, upbeat, interesting, etc. during a social gathering. BUT that is not me naturally, and it’s just an act. Do people see thru this? I just make it through…without any real connection to anyone there. Like I know there’s nothing coming out of it anyway. People make plans to see each other, call, whatever..nothing ever comes out of it. we all go back to our separate lives ..so what’s the point?
The vicious cycle begins, except I am now even deeper in my misery. I feel like such a phony. I am constantly figuratively looking for a HOW TO guide on making friends. Why have I not figured this out? everyone else has..my husband makes friends easily, and he just says it’s because I’m cool and don’t want get involved with “dealing with women” Guys have it soo easy! I always had more guy friends..there’s no judgement!!
has anyone felt this way? what has helped? how do you become at ease? and authentic?
I FEEL THAT WAY EXACTLY! r u by chance from India?
I am…I always feel like why can’t I solve this problem in life??? I am 43 but still feel like I’m in school.
also great to know that I/we are not the only ones!
I have always felt excluded from others.. since i was young, i have always been different; shy, artistic, dyslexic, yet talented at what i do, BUT somehow theyse qualities clash with the general qualities most people have. Therefore, i have never really been able to have ONE good friend. i’ve had a few come and go… but none they ever really stayed! Whenever i go out with friends i always feel excluded and like i have to force myself to put a word out because if not, i am completely invisible – i might aswell be in my bed sleeping.
My parents also go divorced about 3 years ago, i am not done university yet and i dont have a job yet cause i dont have time and it seems as though they are both abandoning me. We live )my mom, brother an i) in a beaitful 3 story house, and now i will be forced to move out on my own and pay everything on my own…… i am very frightened of this day and try not to think about it because i break down in tears everytime i do – not ONLY will i be living alone, i will also have to face having NO ONE there to support me in any way……
I’d first like to say how sad it makes me that so many wonderful people suffer from the same problem. I’m 27 y/o. I was friends with a girl from 3rd grade until she started going to a different school our 9th grade year. That following year I transferred to the school she left to go to. Unfortunately, by the time I joined her our sophomore year she had already formed really strong friendships with other girls who didn’t feel like I was “up to snuff.” I was pretty hurt because there just didn’t seem to be anything I did…it was just ME. Later I started to befriend another girl, but our junior year her life started going in a bad direction (drinking, partying, dropped out of high school our junior year). Her family really liked me because I was her “responsible” friend, but after a while she was more focused on hanging out with girls who were equally as wild as she was. By the time I graduated high school she had dropped out completely and we slowly drifted once I started college in another town. I met girls in college, but nothing deep. Many many associates, most of whom I no longer speak with. I’m about to graduate from grad school next month and I’m planning my wedding and it has slowly come to my attention that I have no friends to invite to either. Because I have no friends I’m even questioning having a wedding party. It’s pretty depressing and difficult to be happy for what should be a very happy occasion.
I wonder if volunteering might help you and your daughter – at a charity shop or working with animals because people who are working in animal shelters are often very kind people. I volunteered at a cat shelter and the ladies were unique and kind.
I can share so many of your feelings. I do not have any close friends and am not close with my parents or siblings. I am married but my husband has no interest in socializing. I see my teenage daughter is having the same issues with friends that I do. It is heartbreaking to watch. I feel I am a good parent is so many ways but feel helpless that I cannot help her to find friends and build relationships. I want to thank everyone for sharing on this blog. It is so hard when you try to be social and put yourself out there but no one takes any interest in including or inviting you in return. Not sure what else I can do but I do want to keep trying. I would welcome any advise as to a new approach.
hello to everyone, i im really sad im 42 with kids, single and have a hard time finding friends or need i say who dont treat me bad. i dont understand why i go thru this i’m outgoing,funny, very trustworthy, i love to go out, but cant find a friend who’s at least willing to go different places. i tell myself maybe its me because the attention i get from guys, i dont know what it is but i feel it and its sad. i cry alot.i’m alone alot my summers are horrible no one invites me to a outing. i have so called friends for years but they make me feel like i’m not a good friend to them, they go behind my back and do things and when i find out its an excuse for not asking me, if i wanted to come its just sad ,but what do i do how do i change this?
you are not alone and you deserve to be happy.
What city do you live in?
Jody
I also feel isolated and have an emotionally abusive husband; it IS draining. I also don’t have people (yet anyway) to talk to about my problems. If you ever need to chat, I have an e-mail I set up just for this site…[email protected].
people never recover from a bad childhood ,your parents ruined your self esteem.children should be made to feel special loved and adored and sounds like you never got over it x
I’m 60 years old, live near Des Moines. I moved here four years ago because my husband has a good job here. I have many friends and family in my home state, Michigan, and I try to go there as often as possible. But I’m lonely here in Des Moines. I have tried many things to gain friendship in Iowa. I’ve tried to “be” a friend. I organized informal get-togethers, where a few women would have a simple meal and then go to a play or movie together. I know they had a good time because of the laughter. I’ve worked in my church organizing a children’s program. I’ve had couples over for supper, women over for tea or coffee. I’m not a fancy person. I like to laugh and even be silly, take bike rides, go for walks. I’m a good listener.
My efforts have not been reciprocated, and I’m quite tired of trying.
Twice I’ve said to women, “You know, I’d really like to get to know you better; would you like to have coffee sometime.” In both cases, they seemed scared to death! Is that too forward?
Wow, the culture I come from in Michigan is very casual. We often have informal potlucks or just call someone to go kayaking, swimming. I sure miss that..
Yes, I live near DM.
Hi I’m 35yrs old & I’ve lived in the US for almost 10yrs. I can identify with some of you when u say friends that use u to their benefit. I was always poor growing up. Had but one friend in high school whom I was very close with until high school was over. Got manipulated into religion & found a mentor & a friend in church who was much 6yrs older than me. I guess b/c of my maturity. I was very obedient & willing to do anything anyone would ask of me & I guess that made me likable. I could never say no,eventhough I don’t want to do it. It was a like of pretense for 14yrs believing I am in the perfect situation until someone better came along then I was considered the third wheel. Which made me jealous,used & most of hurt. I vowed never to trust anyone again. It’s only since I met my husband my life has seen the light. Off course he’s non Christian,actually he’s consider himself spiritual. Anyway I met one lady in a laudromat & she was from my country (Trinidad). We had so much in common. I thought this was it. As the yrs go by my husband & I manage to do better financially and things was looking good for us,not to mention we worked our butts off. Since 2008 we’ve moved from NY to NJ. Everyone was happy for us. My friend don’t drive so I would drive back & forth to hang out with her most of day I spend chauffeuring her around with whatever. It became tiresome & I stopped the visits. I offer her the option of us meeting at a location where we both can hang out using public transportation…well that never happened. We tried numerous times to make dates ,she don’t sleep out but yet I’d sleep over by her. There’s always an excuse as to why she can’t go beyond her comfort zone. So I got tired of trying & only call her when I feel like it. She barely calls me. We never had a verbal fight or any disagreement. Makes me wonder what’s the problem. I live in a neighborhood with soccer moms,nobody has time to hang out. I’m hopeless & can’t seem to make friends. I love people,I like to laugh ,I like to help anyone if I can & I often offer to help but when I don’t offer I get the silent treatment…why ?
I too am an INTJ and I also don’t feel like I am, “girly” enough to hang out with a large group of women and I don’t really like the gossipy type of chit chat. I prefer smaller groups of less than 4 ppl, for a more intimate conversation. I hate big crowds, loud clubs, etc., and unfortunately a lot of my friends right now (moms group) are into places like that and big drinkers. I am not a big drinker, I’ll have one drink, and that’s it. They are great women, but I too feel like an oddball and probably do not exude a, “fun” vibe. I usually find one person and end up talking to them most of the night in a quiet corner.
As for men, while I preferred to work alongside men vs women (too much catty behavior), I still get nervous around men, since so many of them are into sports and I have no clue about that sort of thing.
Do any of you ladies live in Iowa??
Hi, i never know there is such a web in enternet , i m glad to learn this. So all of u suffering from not having best girlfriends understand my feeling, how cruel is loneliness, i even thought several times of sucide. You know i felt whats the point of rooming around without no one,just me & myself, i got realy tired of my kind of life , so please help.
ADYAM.
Moving was not a big issue for me growing up, however, I was extremely shy and always had difficulty making friends at school. M y parents are from a different country and were very strict with me, so I was not allowed as much free time as my other friends to hang out and that did not help. The few friends I made were nice, but we were never best friends. I honestly can’t say that I have ever had a true best friend. It is sad, but true. My parents used to hound me all the time, “who’s your best friend?” I would just sadly tell them, “I don’t have one.” Then they would tell me that I must be doing something wrong if I didn’t have a best friend, since everyone has a best friend. Nothing like being kicked, when you are already down, by your own parents.
I also was not lucky enough to have a sister (just two younger brothers) and I used to beg my mom to have another baby so I could have a sister. I wanted a sister to hang out with, so badly and to share my room with. I was also sad when I was engaged to be married that I did not have a sister(s) who would be in my wedding party. I always thought that women with sisters were so lucky and yearned for that kind of sisterhood.
So, I grew up often being a loner at school. If my friends were at the same lunch period as me, I would have someone to hang out with, but if not, then I ate alone. It happened so often, that I actually got used to it and would even skip lunch and just go to the library. I was that kid on the playground that would often hang out with the teacher stuck monitoring. The sad part is that ppl never came up to invite me to join them. I have had some self esteem issues throughout my life and I do feel that having trouble making friends has made my self esteem worse. I am actually very aware of how I come off to others, I do not want to be needy or annoying, and I always try to be considerate and do nice things. I’ve become very keen at observing other ppl, since I had nothing else better to do.
Now I am 38, I have a wonderful husband and 3 cute boys, under the age of 8. I outgrew my shyness during college and have become much more outgoing. I am really sad, that I do not have a daughter, something that I always dreamt about and I had hope to embrace a close mother-daughter relationship. I joined a moms group and have made a lot of friends, in fact I have been a board member for two yrs and while I have freakishly good luck in introducing other women to one another that become BFFs, I somehow cannot find a BFF for myself. So, I watch as everyone finds a BFF or a small clique. Meanwhile I am friends with everyone, but do not belong to a clique or have much hope at a best friend. There was one I became close to, but she moved last yr, after only a two yr friendship, I miss her so much, we really clicked and I think she was in the same situation as I was and that is why we got along so well.
So, what is the problem? I have friends, right? Well, I cannot seem to take it to the next level to being close friends. A few times I have come really close, but like I said, the women move away due to their husbands’ jobs, and then I have to start all over again. It is exhausting and I feel like I am on a friendship rollercoaster. Plus, I keep wondering why I have such bad luck. How come I only hit it off with women who end up moving away? I do not know what my problem is. I am so lucky my husband is like a best friend to me, but I feel absolutely doomed when it comes to female friendships. I did not have a sister, and I do not have a daughter, both which I desperately yearned for. My mother and mil are both immigrants and don’t “get” the idea of being friends with their children, plus my mil is downright nasty and I see how lonely she is and am afraid I will end up like her, even though I am not mean like she is to others. She has zero friends. I did not have any cousins that live close to us, so never had that as well.
I have been the target of a lot of, “mean girl” type of behavior while growing up (got bullied a lot at school) and before I became a SAHM, I worked as an RN and I discovered that a lot of mean girls, became nurses and it was basically like being in school again. I ended up preferring to work with male nurses, since there was none of the drama involved, like it was with a lot of the female nurses.
While I have many friends, I am often left out of more intimate gatherings. Facebook has become very depressing for me at times. It sucks to find out that a group of friends you think you are close to, got together and totally forgot to invite you, which means that you must not be THAT close to them, if you weren’t included. It seems like it happens every wk and while I know they are not trying to be hurtful, it hurts to know that I am not being included or remembered. You may think that maybe I always expect to be asked, but never initiate a get together, but I have and unfortunately they tend to be flops, maybe one person will show up.
I have been burned before by friendships that seemed like close ones, until I finally figured out that I was being used and always giving, be never receiving anything back. It was unbalanced. I had three close friendships that ended in that way through my lifetime and it makes me feel like I must attract ppl who think that they can treat me like a doormat. It also makes me feel foolish that it took me so long to figure out that they were taking advantage of me.
Now I find myself feeling lonely and wondering, if this is it. Will I never have a best friend? Or maybe my DH is my best friend and I will never have a woman who is my best friend. I am a nice person, I am sensitive and thoughtful to my friends, I do nice things for them, and while they are nice to me, I just never seem to be important enough to them to be in their inner circle. It seems silly that I should care so much about being included, but I really do care, I have very rarely felt that way in my entire life, even within my own family (my parents favored my brothers over me, since I was a girl, and their culture prefers boys). Now my husband and I are seriously thinking about picking up and moving to another part of the country. I thought it would be harder for me to leave my social circle, but I’m discovering instead that I just feel more resentful when I think about it. I feel like if we move, ppl won’t really miss me anyway, so what is the point of staying here?
All I can say is that I try, I really do, to make friends, and while I have friends, they are not very close ones. It’s not like I just sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I’m very active in the groups I am involved with and am always very willing to help friends out and get involved, but here I am, apparently a wall flower that is rarely acknowledged and easily forgotten.
One thing I’ve had to realize, feeling so lonely, is that I have not invested in friends as I should have. One thing I’ve dealt with is jealousy, and I don’t think I’ve done it very well. I have had 3 friends to try and knock me down because of success, and their persuasions have seeped into my interactions with others. What do I do when ppl do this? I walk away and never come back again. Not a good coping mechanism is it? I could tell you of stories of what’s happened, but it just takes too much energy.
Sometimes, we can get so wrapped up in our own story, we invalidate the lives of many around us. I have made that mistake, not consciously. Its the result of having too many stresses, you get self-centered without noticing it. Plus, I have to learn to not inject my problems into every conversation, which can REALLY weigh ppl down.
I’ve been depressed due to the death of my sister, the almost death of my mom (2 kinds of cancer) and the health of my dad. I’ve not recharged enough to give anyone anything. Plus, I’ve let resentment of what ppl have done interrupt my flow of giving.
I’m trying to convince myself to start small at creating friendships, but I am so distrustful. I understand your feelings. I’ve never had issues like abuse or anything. But, could you call being stabbed in the back abuse?
Idk.
My goal is to start small.
I’ve put in place plans for a party for a few ladies I don’t know at all. I want to develop a bond with them. I’m not sure how its going to go, but I have to have faith…and I’m beginning to get some.
You’ve got a good idea there. You’re right, obviously there are enough people around wanting friendships to make up groups that get together on a weekly basis. This culture in the U.S. really doesn’t nurture or foster close,growing, friendships as well as other countries I’ve lived in. It gets so lonely and it does take effort to establish & maintain such friendships.
Having groups to discuss this is a good thing.
I’m so sorry to hear the traumatic experiences you’ve endured. I, myself, can relate with you, as I’ve endured some of the very same traumas. The best advice I can give you, from which I learned through years of therapy and self discovery, is that, first and foremost, if you haven’t already, you need to break the cycle of abuse….for you as a victim. I know it’s not an easy task. It’s like a plague that can not be beat…which is probably why the cycle of abuse continues on and on through generation after generation. As a victim, you unfortunately, get the raw end of the deal. You are a magnet to abusers. But, just like how abusers know what to look for in potential victims, YOU need to learn how to recognize what to look for in potential abusers and then stay as far away as you can. Don’t let their smooth words or materialistic bribes fool you. Victims want to be loved so badly that sometimes they have a difficult time deciphering between genuine love and the snare. When a person flaunts you with compliment after compliment or present after present, you need to ask yourself WHY. ” Are they trying to fatten me up for the blow?” Go with your gut. Never think you can change a person.
Now I want to make the correlation between your extreme pattern of being in abusive relationship after abusive relationship and finding and keep friendships. We’ve already established that victims give off some kind of red flag that attracts the abusers. Those same red flags are probably what distances the “potential friends” from wanting to get to know you better. If you haven’t already, you need to confront your past. Seek counseling. Then, ask yourself if you do any of the following: Do I divulge too much personal information about myself too early in the friendship? During conversations, do others tend to vocalize how they feel sorry for me? Am I too clingy? What are my mannerisms while interacting with others?…Do I slump my shoulders forward? Cross my arm? Hold good eye contact? Do I appear too needy for acceptance?
Friendships, just like love relationships, sometime thrive off the cat and mouse theory. Don’t appear too needy, don’t divulge too much about yourself too soon…leave the conversation with that potential friend thinking, “I want to know more about this person”. Basically…”if you give someone everything upfront.; you leave them nothing left to desire”.
Sorry for my ranting…hope this helps and best of luck!
YOu might be helped by attending a domestic violence support group, if by emotionally cruel you mean emotionally abusive. YOu will connect with women going through the same thing.
Hi, I am a forty year old woman and am feeling probably the loneliest I have felt. Its always been there but not like this. I am married, to quite a dominant man who I am afraid to be without due to fear of being totally on my own. I have a limited circle of friends who rarely contact me unless I do all the running, who never ever ask me if I wnt to go out or dp anything sociable or think to contact me, they all seem to have such full lives with their children and other friends. I feel so unconnected, both my parents died very close together and my husband is unsupportive and emotionally cruel sometimes. I wish I. Could meet friends or have the ones who are around, perhaps want to spend time with me. I feel very drained and crappy as a person. Any ideas please. Miranel
Hi! I’m early 60s and the few long term friends I still have (none of us live near each other, so we see each other very infrequently) think about me what you are saying. They think I’m not stylish and active enough. I don’t dye my hair like they do, I don’t wear stilettos or close to that. I don’t dress like I still think I’ve got “it.”I don’t have any interest in taking zumba classes, climbing a mountain, or doing a lot of adventurous things like that. I’ve had back surgeries and always seem to be in some kind of recovery mode. I wear comfy shoes and clothes. I don’t have much money. I still can’t afford to retire. And I feel looked down upon by these self-described glamour pusses who are my age. My idea of a good time is a coffee shop lunch with a friend, lots of coffee and good talk. Maybe a stroll through the park. Maybe go to a museum, until my back hurts. Enjoying the little things in life. But it’s not enough for them. I feel I’m doing the best I can. But it’s not enough for them. They’re taking their girl friend vacations, stilettos and all, and kind of look at me like I’m a sad little old woman. I don’t look at them with even a shred of envy. We’re just approaching old age differently. But it’s a divide. And I think it’s a shame.
Ditto! To anonymous. I could have written what you wrote. I had friends growning up and every time I was happy and secure my parents moved. As an adult I had wonderful friends and then I moved to the middle east for seven years. I came back divorced and I lost all friends and a lot of family. I picked up my life and was doing great and then I moved again. The older I am the harder it is. I make friends easily but I can’t seem to get to the next level in friendships. I am the only one working at it or seeming to be needy enough to do what it takes. I also think I have become guarded because people can be so disappointing and my expectations for them are what I give of myself. I think I am willing to give too much. When someone asks me if I can do something for them I say yes and then what. I know I won’t be asked for more than that person thinks I am capable of so it is yes to a friend first. I am also uncomfortable in new settings with lots of people. I think a bit of social anxiety developed from so many moves and new environments. I am good one on one and a very loyal friend. I feel very lonely most of the time and then I reach out and then I give up. I do think it is what it is and for those people who remain in the same enviornment with the same friends over time are much more secure with their friends and can add a friend or two here and there. I think older women also expect other woment to be like them for a fit with friendship. I am 65 and very stylish and active. I love life and sometimes I feel some women my age cannot relate to me. I do better with women ten or so years younger than me as I seem to just fit better. Anyway I appreciated reading what you had to say and I can definately relate to how you feel.
What a great blog!! Idem…I relate to a lot of whats being said. I’m 34, moved a lot when I was young (even country!) and am in the same situation as most of you. I know Ive a lot to offer but somehow that doesnt translate in the ability to form close friendships, and though I had many in the past, I manged to maintain none! I wonder though if there are so many of ‘us’ out there why dont we do something about it??! Perhaps create some sort of ‘friendship’ club, where we could meet and talk!!? Hopeful to get some replies….
I’m twenty seven, and I feel the same way. I blame myself too. Your not alone.
It sounds like you are a very strong person with so much to be thankful for—yet, you have experienced recurrent trauma. It would be great if you had the opportunity to speak to a professional about the trauma you experienced earlier in life.
Warm regards, Irene
Thank god for the internet. I was feeling awful today, totally friendless and alone. It’s cool to see I’m not alone. I’ve read a lot of books, done a lot of self-help classes and I have some insight to why I have so much difficulty with women. It’s crazy because if you see me I’m attractive, outgoing and can converse easily with the world. I put on the greatest show on earth, but inside I am dying with pain. To sum up my life in a flash, sexually abused by father, raped, abusive mother, abusive narcissist ex -husband, abusive ex boyfriend. I was in a terrible car crash where someone was killed. I suffered beginning cancer and have beat it. I can go on and on. People see me, hear my story, think I’m so brave but inside I am so afraid of being hurt again that I probably attract that to me. I have had best friends in my life but as time went on i lost them either thru moving, issues, all kinds of reasons. I teach a fitness class with tons of women and I’ve made some what I thought of as friends but a more popular instructor began teaching and my so called friends have gone off to her class, abandoning me again. I wish I knew how to stop this cycle. I have been hurt so much that now I don’t even want to try. I have been in a relationship with a man for two years and I play it off to him , act like I’m so busy but the truth is I’m ashamed that I can’t really say I have friends. He thinks everyone loves me. My kids adore me, I have three children 26, 21 and 14 but I hide my pain from the world. Help !!!!
I just found this site and I have this same problem. I am 60 years old and unfortunately have had this problem my whole life but it seems to get worse as I get older. I have had a few female friends but not many and always something happens to destroy those relationships, sometimes after many many years. I am very lonely and don’t know what to do about it. When I have had close friends, I have been a good friend. Some of those relationships have lasted for 20 years, but they have been few and far between. I feel like in the not so distant future there will be no one to know if I am dead or alive or to even care. Right now if it weren’t for a brother and father and an ex-husband of 20 years I’d have no one in my lfie. I’m not rude, overbearing or condescending. I do try and oddly enought I’m really good with working with the public in jobs. In fact, I think I’m above average in that. People say to me I that I seem to make friends wherever I go, but they don’t know how wrong they are. I am terribly sad and feel very unfulfilled in life. Wish I knew how to change it, but at the moment, I feel as if the time to change it has passed and it is what it is.
You say you are tempermental, get angry easily, and are very emotional; a boyfriend jilted you, and the one you truly loved passed on. So much for such a young woman to deal with on her own. No wonder you have had tension headaches for the last three years. Do you have someone you trust that you could talk to? I would strongly suggest you go for professional help to get through this. If not, all these problems will manifest as you get older.
Jacqueline
I am a girl of 21 and i just noticed that i have a very big problem making friends. When i was in high school, i had some few friends but we lost contact after school except for one who join me in the university i attend presently. Most times, i could be a talkative atimes but i sometimes feel shy and out of place all this started when i entered the boarding house in high school so whenever i come back for holidays i feel so wierd and would not talk intimately to anyone in my neighborhood this went on for years and now i don’t feel free with any of my neighbors. Ever since i notced this inability to make friends i started looking at my life style and brought about some reason i just can’t have friends. I am very temperamental and get angry easily so i don’t want to get offended by people and i am a very emotional person as in little things get me hurt and also my 1st boyfriend jilted me and the memories are very painful he broke up with me and started dating a girl in the same department with me this event really brought me down and made me think all the time this frequent thinking later led to Tension headache which has lasted for 3 years now. I got involved in a new relationship which lasted foe 2 and half years he was a very cool headed, down to earth, fine young gentle man and i loved him so much, he was like my only friend and soul mate, unfortunately he died toward the end of last year and that broke me down totally and ever since then i felt so lonely even with people around me……i love this site and am happy that am not in this alone…..please how can i overcome all this and have close friends?
ME TOO! I LOVE what you just wrote…. “could be that friends we are looking for”!!
I’d love to get together w/ all of these amazing “Anonymous” women that are strong and precious and have SO much to offer the world!! WHAT ever happened that made us all feel like were were “nothings”?? That we didn’t really matter in the scheme of things???
I’m thinking that the idea of a “Yahoo Group” may just be one of the things that could bring healing to so many of us.
I just found this site/ Blog today while I was looking for something else. I’d read all nite, in one sitting, “Epilogue” by Anne Roiphe.. and when I’d searched for INFO today on her there was a link to this site! Talk about “mysterious ways”!!
Anyway, I’m here… I’m hurting… I’d LOVE LOVE LOVE to have a friend or 2 or 3… that could love me like I’d love them/ care for them/ email them/ txt them on Easter… and on and on. Oh, btw, I’m married and trying to figure out what happened to this once-lovely/ amazing/ precious marriage of 21 years that he’d go off and be w/ another person???? I cannot understand WHY for the life of me! It’s taken all of the teensy bit of life I DID have and I sit here so sad/ so wishing/ so wanting to talk to someone.
Nite all~ It’s ME… from Camas, WA/ near Portland, Oregon.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s me as well. Seems like our situations are very similar; married, 30 yrs old, and 1 son. I have a few associates that I go out with every now and then, but not any close friendships. It gets very lonely and depressing sometimes, but I try not to think about it and keep moving. Hopefully one day I’ll meet and have a close friend. I hear a true friend is hard to find.
Dear everyone,
I’m summer and nice too meet you all. first of all this is my first time visiting this blog and i’m so happy to have found this because i feel all your pain and finally found a place to share my thoughts and my loneliness. Yet i’m sad too as I didn’t realize there were so many of us out there and which is why i wrote to the first person here who i felt we had something similar. I also want to aplogize for my english because it’s not my native language. I moved to LA from europe 8 years ago and never seem to mastered the skill to make friends and keep them except one. But we hardly call each other and i always feel as if i’m the one who make all the phone call mostly. Even though she was the maid of honor at my wedding (the only friend i had) i feel we’ve become distant. Over the years i realized maybe i’m too shy or not funny enough and don’t come up with enough jokes. And that’s why people leave after they know me. It’s so heartbreaking..because i feel that every time i meet a lady i try to be nice and i open up my heart and we exchange phone# and meet a few times. But after that they stop calling and i immediately blame myself thinking i did something wrong. My husband says it’s their loss but i feel even more sad. I’m 30 years old and i hate to admit it but i don’t have any friends at all. I’m so sad. I cry alot because of that and i try to hide it from my husband. To all of you who read this, thank you so much for “listening” to me and if anyone wants to email or chat i would very much like that. my email is [email protected]
I wish everyone all the happiness and that they soon will find someone who really shows interest in you and that you no longer will feel sad or lonely.
summer
Hi,
my name is summer and i’m 30 and married. As painful as it is I know exactly how you feel because I too don’t have any close friends except one whom I’ve been friends with long time but somehow I feel we’ve become distant and I’m scared of losing her. I’m sorry to hear about your all the things that happened between your cousins and your sister especially your sister because sister should be one of the closest person to talk to. My husband can see when i’m sad and depressed because i get no phone call at all and he says that having him is enough. He is the sweestest man and I love him dearly but when he says that, i can’t help but feel even more lonely and isolated. Do you feel that too? I used to have a few good very good friends but after moving i lost and never gained new friends. I just want to say please don’t blame yourself and think that no one wants to be friends with you. You seem like a very sweet and amazing person. Don’t give up. I’ve read some articles that about finding it difficult to make friends…in all those articles they all say something very similar…and that is to take the first initiative to talk to people and don’t be afraid to get rejected. Don’t let that bother you. If they don’t seem up for it just move on and talk to other people. Most of the people are shy and have fear they will get rejected if they say hi to someone and don’t get a response.
I would love to be your friend if you don’t mind. Speaking of that when you mentioned the girl you used to work with but don’t get a chance to see each other due to different schedules…have you thought of maybe calling her or email her? Maybe she wants to hang out too but too shy to contact you. I wish you all the best and keep the faith that there are people out there who would want to know you better.
*Hugz*
summer ([email protected])
hi there you sound exactly like my gorguz daughter who is extremely shy and cant seem to make friends she works in a supermarket and they talk to her but never invite or involve her in any thing always saying how shy she is and believe me that is the last thing she wants to hear – she reaaly rates when people say that because she says i know that already they dont have to keep telling me and i think she comes across as very up her self but its just her shyness – having a friend she could talk to may be just what she needs – i am struggling as her mum to see her so so unhappy with no friends in school she was badly bullied and has never gotton over it – this was from her so called closed friends…my daughter is rachael and im raylene hoipe to talk again soon
it sad to see these comments but it’s nice to hear that I am not alone.. My family did not move very much and i had close relationships with my cousins. I also had a best friend or two. As i started to go through my teenage years the people I was once very close to, our lives started to differentiate substantially! One friend started having babies at 15.. My cousins were dropping out of school in the 5th grade…etc. I was left with 2 friends.. One married at 19.. Moved south (now divorced with a daughter)… We are no longer close… My other friend ..we started to grow apart because she loved the street life and one without my knowledge.. She upped and moved.. I never got so much as a goodbye… But still calls me her bestfriend… She’s currently in prison because of her street life. Ok that left my mom, my sister and her 3 daughters…. My sister drops everyone when she gets a new man… And my nieces and I are no longer close… One of my nieces recently hurt me on so many levels you wouldn’t even know by accusing me of sleeping with her boyfriend (who cheats on her every chance he gets).. Not one of my nieces or my sister came to defense on this.. So this has put a wedge between all of us… I am currently 29 married with 1 son and two hamsters and that’s all I have…. my mom and I are very close but she has a blind eye towards situations going on in our family…. Some ppl say my Hubby and son is enough… But it’s not… I’m so lonely it’s depressing… My husband and I moved into our own place almost 5 yrs ago and I have never had a friend over to visit… Not because I didn’t want to… I don’t have any…. That realization is painful… I met one lady that I use to work with and we are very cool but we never see each other.. Our schedules are so different….. I’ve almost given up… So lost…
For quite some time, I felt confused/ disappointed/ lonely and at the worst point where I felt hopeless, I decided to create this website for women… (EDITED BY SITE OWNER – This site does not accept unsolicited advertisements) ..I came to the unfortunate realization that I didn’t even have one female friend in real life. It got to a point where I just didn’t understand why anymore. I was sick of just having friends that would every once in a while comment on a post or a picture on Facebook and not get to know me. I felt like everything in my life was great (loving boyfriend, great job, new home) but something still felt missing. A few months ago I started planning our wedding and I was so sad because I couldn’t think of one person to be my maid of honor..or a bridesmaid. I always dreamed of my wedding and how fun it would be planning it with a best friend.. it just made me think… What is so wrong with me???…
This site is perfect for women who have recently relocated, divorced, needs advice or anyone simply looking to make new friends!
Hope this helps
my goodness i felt like i was reading about myself! i too have had a history of depression plus panic attacks, although i do not know why. they started about 18 years ago. my best friend and i have been friends since junior high school (we met at 12 years old). we have been best friends since we were 18, for the last 32 years! i am her middle sons god mother-he’s 16, she also has a 14 year old daughter, and we were pregnant with our first sons (who are 23 now) at the same time, our husbands are friends outside of the four of us doing things as couples (which we haven’t really done for about 3 years), we started dating our husbands in high school within the same week of each other (mine went to a different high school) and have always celebrated our dating anniversaries together until 3 or 4 years ago, we have lived 5 minutes from each other in the same town for the last 19 years (which is only 15 minutes from where we lived when we were all first married), lived in the same neighborhood after we were both married, she was my maid of honor (her sister in law was hers and that caused us to not speak for about 2 years-not because of me being upset i might add, but because another mutual friend told her a huge lie and said i said something i never did…well long story short she believed the mutual friend over me and i wasn’t even in her wedding. she got some girl she worked with to take my place. two years later she moved into the neighborhood my husband and i had moved to and not long after that she called to tell me she had recently found out the truth and she new now i had not lied to her and had not said anything that the mutual friend had told her i did, and she knew it was the mutual friend who was lying and had after 2 years finally told her the truth, so she apologized to me and asked if i thought we could be friends again. we did become friends again and were even closer than we were before the 2 year breakup, and have been ever since…until 3 years ago) we talked on the phone just about everyday for 29 years and have always made sure to get together for lunches, movies, dinners, holidays, etc…until about 3 years ago (her husband had to take a job outside of the state we live in, but that has nothing to do with our friendship…just thought i would mention what has changed because i realize it does change how busy she is). we have been vacationing with her and her husband and kids for the last 13 years. last year was the first summer we didn’t go on vacation together since 1999 (we had a family obligation that same week). all this time we have been extremely close, but for the last 2 years things have really changed and it has gotten to the point now where we might speak on the phone once or twice a week if that! it has really gotten worse in the last year or so. i call her cell phone and she doesn’t answer most of the time…if i text her same thing, no response. once in a while she will answer or text back but mostly not. nothing has happened between us but we never see each other and if i decide i am not going to be the one doing all the calling then weeks can go by that i don’t hear from her. because of her daughter’s social life and extracaricular activities she is always around a few other particular moms and they have gotten very cozy, but there is one in particular that i think she is getting really close with…she has known this woman for about 6 years, but for the last 2 they have been around each other much more as their daughters are friends and do alot together. i have gotten upset before when 2 other people at different times were obvioulsy trying to come between me and my best friend because they didn’t have their own best friend…i know it sounds childish but it is true. well those two people have come and gone and we were none the worse for wear, but this one now…she is a cool one. and by that i mean she acts all sophisticated and easy going but she has made obvious comments towards me that tells me she is mocing in for taking my place with my best friend. she is really smooth and all like “who me?” so i don’t dare bring it up to my friend. i would look like the one causing problems. so anyway last week my friend and i were supposed to go to lunch (i invited her…she has not invited me to do anything just her and i for over a year or more) and she stood me up! it’s not the first time we have had plans and she forgot! i don’t know about you but when i have plans with my friends i am looking forward to it and have never ever forgotten a date with a friend! i have made excuse after excuse for my friend telling myself she is so busy especially with her husband out of town monday through friday (although that is how their life was for the first 18 years of their marriage), and with her kids stuff and everything else life throws at you, but i am busy too! everyone is! just with different stuff…i have a full time job, two boys with their activities, a husband, a home, my own activities, etc…but i still find the time for her! i make the time for her and my other friends. i have other friends i do things iwth and talk to once in a while but she is my sister by choosing (we each have a brother and no sister)…we have always said we weren’t born into a family with a sister so we picked our own. we have been there for each other like family would be and have always considered each other to be family. maybe that is why i am getting the treatment i am, because sometimes you take family for granted that they will always be there. well iwant back our closeness! we use to share everything. now i am lucky if we talk once a week. it is kind of making me feel like i don’t matter at all to her anymore and i get an attitude like, “screw it! i don;t need her. she isn’t there anymore anyway so whatever!” then i feel like i am not being supportive of her because i know she is busy. but o am i. plus she has time for these other people but not me. when we have discussed this before (2 years ago) she always says those people are not really her friends, but it is because of her daughter she does all this stuff with them, which i know is partly the truth, but i also know she is friends with them and they are closer than she and i are at this point. i know friendships wane and come back, but this is the first time in 32 years i have really felt like things are awkward when we do talk or see each other, because of the distance i feel she has willingly let happen. i just tell myself to let it and her go because i have no choice but it really hurts to feel that you are losing someone you have shared a lifetime of friendship, heartbreak, and love with. she still introduces me as her best friend (at least she did over a year ago the last time she made introductions between me and someone else), and gives me birthday cards that she has added best in front of friend if the card doesn’t already say it. but don’t actions speak louder than words? her actions tell me i am being left in the dust for others. anyway, you are not alone. i wish nobody ever felt like this because it does not feel good at all! i have even thought of searching for a new best friend, but that is not how best friendship are made is it? good luck.
Hi,
The past two weeks I have reached the “end of my rope,” after living in the Dallas area for two decades & having to face an upcoming birthday in May again with no friends to celebrate it or acknowledge it. It’s not just the birthday, it’s trying so hard to be friendly and open & always being unsuccessful & not ever knowing why. The birthdays just drive it home.
I’m responding to this post because what you said about your mother suffocating you resonated with my situation. Friends I brought home were turned against me as she formed “alliances” with them to make fun of me & finally abandon me. I’m not trying to sound sorry for myself, I just think it’s interesting I finally see that someone else’s parent did something similarly strange.
I have done everything I know how to do from starting meetup groups to opening a business. But the area in which I live is so child-oriented, that if you don’t have a child, even if you are very interested in others’ children, you are nobody. I can be having a wonderful conversation with someone until they ask that all-important question, Do you have kids? When I say no, it’s always over. Even if I continue to ask them about themselves.
Right now I’m in a very bad state of mind because I don’t know how to be part of anyone’s life & it does get very lonely.
<3
I feel with ya. I’ve had the same experience of finding out about events after the fact that I wasn’t invited to. Even my two older sisters didn’t want to be friends with me and I hung out with my 7 brothers instead.
I was keeping all the birthdays (9 siblings, more than 20 nieces and nephews) but when my birthday came up I didn’t get so much as a card. After about 5 years I stopped.
I don’t get it. I give and am warm to everybody, I apologize for my mistakes and am careful with other people’s hearts but I just don’t inspire friendship. I’ve even been in situations where I have a falling out with someone and let a mutual friend know I have no judgement about them continuing to befriend the person I’m at odds with. That person makes demands and I’m the one who gets dumped by the mutual friend.
I hate being friendless but I also hate being hurt again and again over this.
I am 30 years old. When my grandmother passed away (I was nine) my mother decided to move us (she, my grandfather and I) out to the country. I said goodbye to the girl next door and moved away. A few months into this arrangement, my grandfather could no longer handle living with my mom (she is the cold and calculating type) and he moved back to the city. She could not afford the place where we lived on her own, so we moved in with an old friend of hers, her husband, and their snobby, selfish daughter with whom I was to share a room. Eventually, mom got a new job and moved us across the street. Unfortunately, this job required her to work until 11:00 p.m. and so I was on my own except for the weekends. No friends were allowed over and I was not allowed over to anyone else’s as she would not be home to meet the parents. A new school was built before my fifth grade year and I was sent to a new district. For sixth grade, some of us were bussed out to a new area in the city (in an attempt for us to understand each other better.) Seventh grade they stopped this practice but I was now in middle school with people I didn’t know. We moved again in the middle of my eighth grade year. The next was the first year of high school. In tenth grade, they redrew the districts again and split us all up. Throughout all of this, my mother became more resistant to my interacting with others. This was to be punishment for my failing grades which were due to the depression I was suffering from being alone and not being able to make friends…you see where this is going. Anyway, as I said I am now 30 years old and if it weren’t for my husband (with whom I moved half way across the country for his job) for a long time, I would never interact with anyone. I apparently either never developed the skills or I was so beat down that I gave up. During my adult life, I have tried everything I could image, modifying my own behavior, approaching different types of people, exposing myself to many new situations. The problem was, I’m afraid, that at this point in life, most people have deep, meaningful, long-standing relationships with people that they grew up with, went to school with, or what have you and simply aren’t motivated to start at the beginning with someone new. In fact I think it’s normal to be hesitant about it. Why leave yourself open and vulnerable to someone new when you don’t need to? The fact is that just like in elementary school, it’s easier to keep someone out than to let them in…and goodness knows humanity likes to take the easy way out. —My thoughts are that, while it can be terribly frustrating, it is important to be patient. If others (and by others I mean decent people with the capacity to have genuine interest in another individual) repeatedly observe that you are someone that they might want to get to know when in a situation with you, a relationship will come. This time also allows you the opportunity to weed out the backstabbers and users before divulging too much. —This is my new approach anyway…and thus far I at least know that if I had car trouble, there are a few that would come to my rescue in the interstate emergency lane. Whether they’ll want to sit and listen to me complain about my childhood…well, let’s give it time.
I find that in my community that the women will talk to you if the feel force to….Like in the situation of grocery store line, dept.store, shopping, etc..
The women I try and make friends with are all hyped up with envy…THEY DO NOT HAVE ANY REASON FOR THIS, I AM NOT A SNOB… I can only imagine, its because they are just insecure themselves… Especially if they have a boyfriend or a husband…God forbid if he might look at her friend and say “well she was nice or pretty lady”..
I just don’t get women being back stabbing and jealous of each other…
I have 2 very close friends… We have never been jealous of one another. One lives away now and the other lives 2 blocks from me..We don’t do anything because she still has teenage children at home….
So we just talk on phone and sometimes , every 3 to 4 months we visit, birthdays, Christmas…
I just have learn to make better friends and friends only w/ men….AT least they are NOT jealous !!!
We women should have each others back instead on stabbing it….
I hope friendship of any form finds you… BE YOUR ON BEST FRIED FIRST !!!!!
you help me alot
I know what you mean about beginnning to think that someone can smell “my social awkwardness or something’. That happens, it appears, time and time again. So tired of trying, ya know?
I’m a 24 year old female and I’ve had trouble making friends most of my life. When I was 12 I moved to the States from Europe, right when I started bonding with a lot of children my age. Ever since the move, I have been able to make a few close friendships, but due to my (and their) inability to keep in better contact with my friends, I seem to have lost most of them. I have a few close friends but I never see them since they’re constantly busy with their lives. I don’t go out because I have no one to go out with, so the possibility of making new friends is very slim. I have a few girls I work with that I consider friends, but we rarely hang out. I have no problem talking to people but after some extent it seems as if I can’t connect with any of them, and this bothers me the most. I’m going to therapy right now, but it’s not helping. I’m feeling lonely, to the point where I just get very depressed. I lost hope in making friends, and I just think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life…Sorry, I’m venting.. it’s relieving knowing that I’m not alone.
I, too, am 52 with grown children (2) and find myself alone. My husband and I have a strained relationship as I’ve finally realized that I’ve been the total giver for 32+ years and am tired of that. My friends have all drifted away – those that I’ve had, anyway. It has always been ME who called and set up get togethers. Now I find myself preferring to be alone at home so I don’t have to deal with the rejection of other women. I feel very lonely. I wonder if this is due to our age? I really don’t have patience for the “we should do lunch” or “I’m just so busy right now.” These seem like lame excuses to me. But yet people tell me how funny I am or how much fun I am to be with. It’s a good thing to see that others suffer from this as I do. But, in real life, how do I get through another lonely day?
This magpies me feel like I’m not alone anymore! I’m 24 very outgoing chatting but do love my own company.. I have always had friends but always drift away or they end up turning on me finding fault with me . I meet my wonderful boyfriend two years ago and became very close friends with his friends some of them female! Recently one female friends turned on me and I couldn’t tell u why until today I was told she said I was false to her and used her as I had no friends , she said I never bothered with her outside unless my boyfriend was gone. This is just false I asked three to four times about going out to cinema or walking and she always said no she was busy or what not so I taught this girl is happier only seeing me at events with the group ! She herself never once asked me to do anything outside yet she says I used her and am false.
My male friends would never describe me as false intact I’m the person who would always go out of my way to help if I can .
This has really hurt me and the nasty remarks that I have no friends really hit home and has completely knocked my confidence and I really now just feel like giving up on having close female friends .
Are some ladies just doomed to not have female friends , I’ve often been told that it’s jealous when things like this happens . Ladies what do you do ?
I wish this article covered other reasons. I’ve had this trouble, and often been jealous of other women who have great close relationships. I had friends in college, a best friend, I’m very social and people love me. Yet, I’m unable to form friendships with people outside of work. I do relate better to older women, but they can’t hang out or anything because they have families. I just have trouble relating to women my age … and I’m not sure why. I didn’t move until I was 18 and that was too college — and those were amazing years. Just now, as an adult, I don’t have very close friends and really wish I did.
I’m 43, a stay at home mom and have had close friendships with women in the past but here in the last 6 years several of my friends suffered drastic life changes and have drifted away. I made the efforts to try and keep in touch with one but I think after she and her husband divorced she needed a change. She remarried and moved. Most people we both knew rarely hear from her.
I spend a lot a time taking care of my family and have times I just feel so burned out and in need of some good girlfriend conversation. Of course, a night out doing something fun would be great too. I have learned to live without friends but it gets to me at times. It would be nice to have a few trustworthy ladies to talk to or just share time with occasionally.
It made me so sad to read about the prank phone call from your “friend” in childhood. I have had experiences like that as well and it is very hurtful. As for your current situation, it seems like your friends are being a little selfish. I experienced that from a few friends in college. A few years post college, I can’t say much has changed. I am trying to be more selective on who I form friendships with. Being an introvert myself, I know that it’s tough! Please just know there are others out here who care about you and support you without having met you!
I can’t imagine that moving could be the cause of all my friendship troubles (being an introvert doesn’t help, I know), but after having read that article I’m really questioning it. My best friends were my neighbours when I was a child, and when we moved I only kept in contact with one of them – and that was because she was my best friend outside of school, though we did attend the same school we were never in the same class for some reason until my last two years of elementary school. Our friendship was never the same after the move, even though it was only to a different part of town. We couldn’t just walk over to each others’ houses to play; we had to call and ask our parents to drive us. We slowly lost that friendship. I even remember her and her friends prank-calling me during my birthday party with my family, pretending to be my crush. It was hurtful, and I cried. Worst birthday present ever – even being diagnosed with diabetes on my birthday was better than that!
I did have friends though, great friends. We were all super-close, but then suddenly I changed groups and started hanging out with these three other girls. Then we got to high school and they were going places we’d promised to each other not to go, so I changed friends again. I have those same friends now, but since we got into university I don’t even know if I can call what we have friendship. They rarely text me (NEVER call me) – I’m lucky if I hear from them once a week! They’re almost always “too busy working” to hang out. And when we do hang out, it’s awkward because we don’t know what to do anymore, or what to talk about. We just aren’t close. It hurts me terribly because I’ve been trying to spend time with them, trying to remain close, but they just aren’t helping! They do nothing! I have to initiate contact, I have to ask if they want to hang out, and oftentimes they don’t reply to my texts and reject me because they’re working. Hell, I’ve even picked one of my so-called friends up just to spend time with her because she didn’t have a ride!
I get that school is hard, and work and school together worse (I AM in school, too), but can’t they at least try? I feel like I’m the only one willing to put any effort to keep our friendship afloat. It hurts. It seems as though I don’t have any friends, and I feel pathetic. It’s even worse for me since I’m fighting depression, and this isolation just throws me further and further into the depths of my illness. My parents wonder how they can help me, but I need friends. I need to get out of the house and spend time with people (even introverts need to socialize), yet I don’t have anyone to spend time with (or apparently willing to spend time with me) and now I’m too scared and shy to make new friends. Talking to people is horribly awkward, and making friends seems to be an impossible feat. What’s a girl to do?
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this loneliness. It’s horrible that we have to share something like this, but nice to know that I’m not the only one who has trouble making and maintaining friendships. Honestly, I’d like to say that it’s them, or a combination of all of us together not meshing, or university and our different programs drifting us apart, but I think that it’s me. We had so much time to spend together in high school. We shared some of the same classes (at least one a day), and we spent our lunches together. Now I don’t see them at all unless I make an effort to see them, and though I have been making that effort, they aren’t reciprocating. I’m starting to feel that I must be unworthy of friendship, because if I truly mattered to them, they would not leave me alone – especially since they KNOW I’m going through a hard time with depression. They just don’t care enough about me, which makes me ache. Why can’t I make friends who care about me as much as I do them?
I definitely agree with this article about The moving situation. I never got to many chances to build long lasting friendships because of it and soon as I did ….. I moved. I remember being able to make a friend wherever I went….I mean a least one. But now I have no idea how. I get extremely Nervous and I feel like a total bore . Im starting tell myself the person talking to me is just better off talking to someone else. When I converse with some i always feel like I’m holding back ….people are really sensitive and rude. You say something they don’t like they cut u off and they won’t call or text u again . Nobodys trying anymore. People are getting ruder and ruder without even knowing you! The only time I found friends was in church but i stop going there because of all these rules . I didn’t feel I was completely in control of my own faith . Like if I didn’t attend an event I would be looked down upon by others . But anyways, now I talk to no one . It sucks because sometimes I just want to go out and have fun …dance, laugh …act silly like I use too with my cousins in Atlanta ( I moved after highschool ) . However, I might join this hip-hop dance class on mondays and Saturdays… So we will see how that goes .
Geez my grammar is bad. What I meant to say is I’ve read over and over that it’s a common problem for women to have a problem making and keeping close friends.
I am 47 and have had close friends in the past but over the years lost touch because I too got tired of being the one to make an effort to get together. I was a stay at home mom and wife before I went back to work a few years ago. Although I have “friends” at work I don’t see anyone outside of work. To be honest I have trust issue and it doesn’t help that some of these women talk about others as soon as they walk out the the break room door. I’m not even close with my own sister who is a few years older than me; she is very high strung so I can only take so much of her drama. Everything is about her and nothing/no one else matters. I’ve read over and over that women not having close friends. I know of nobody at work or my neighbors or son’s friends’ mothers having this problem. I always hear of others social lives and am always left out unless its a neighbor get together. I do have issues in my life these days that have stopped me from pursuing friendships. But I am lonely and crave a real female friendships. I wish I knew of women nearby like me.
I don’t think I am that shy. I would call myself ‘reserved’ more than shy. I work with the public and I was also very nervous at first. It took years but now this work easy for me and I really like helping people. I don’t know how to make this spill into my personal life. I have talked to people at the grocery store or other places for years and I have gotten over the funny looks. Sometimes people actually respond though too. I think in many forms I have been following your advice and the same as others for years. What is frustrating is that my attempts don’t have results or it is likely that my social skills are so bad that I don’t realize that I have had results. I am not stuck on only having friends my own age but I don’t want to intrude on the friendships of my grown children either. I think I am well-liked at work but when the other gals go to lunch they don’t extend an invite to me. I took a couple gals to lunch last month and we get along great but I don’t understand why I’m always left out. I have a good sense of humor and I don’t hog the conversation. I usually don’t let this friend thing bother me so but my son’s friend died recently and I am struggling with that – it feels too close to home I guess. He was only 25 and I liked him a lot and I will miss him. I feel like I am going through this grief process by myself even though I have talked to my family and a couple friends at work. When I come home I feel all alone (live alone too). It doesn’t help that I am only working 3 hours a day either due to an injury. I have too much time to stew about this.
I also have a hard time making friends, i have always been really shy….but its more than that i guess sometimes i just find it hard to relate to certain people ya know..? Anyway dont give up. Keep putting yourself out there it does take guts especially if you are like me and shy. I have been getting better though as i work in the public waitressing. Oh my goodness i was a nervous nelly the first few weeks even months but now i am more confident and talk to people easier. Talk to people in the grocery store who cares if they stare at you weird etc. you never have to see them again, at least you are putting yourself out their and trying. Trust me I know how you feel I have been there!!!! If you want a friend I could be one, if you like, lol……….. Ps Age is not important I have friends all ages…. just saying…… So just loosin up and be yourself and don’t care so much what others think… You wont be a bother to people…lol
I am so relieved to find an open blog on this topic. I am 52 and I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends. I have tried counselors and they can’t seem to help me figure out what I am doing wrong. One counselor even advised me that people will become friends once they get used to me. I just need to hang out with others more and it will happen all by itself. I don’t believe it is like that for other people. It has never happened that way for me in the past either. My kids told me to get on Facebook so I signed up and that is depressing for me. I don’t need that. I had 11 years of depression and I got treatment in a hospital in 2009. Facebook bummed me out because I used the find friends button and I didn’t know anyone but my kids’ friends. I’m not looking to invade their lives. I will probably close the FB account – I don’t think it is healthy for me. It would be nice to have friends that are closer to my age so I have something in common with them. I agree with other posts on this site that a group would be nice.
I’m close to you age wise, similar family situation or lack thereof. I get really tired of beating myself up with “what’s wrong with me?!?” interrogations. I too have worried about my super-expressive face. A therapist in fact told me it “got in the way” and I should learn to tone it down. I didn’t. I forget or else don’t want to stare at myself in the mirror and practice making my expressions more palatable to the public. I know I have personality issues, but in my view they can’t be all that worse than the issues of many others. Anyway, the “join a church” suggestion … hoo-boy! Don’t get me started on that. I did try, and the guilt and pressure to agree with them on what consitutes “morality” just added to the misery. I told them I hadn’t married but preferred living with a man instead and got the frosty treatment, all at the same time they were proclaiming, “Oh we don’t judge. Only God judges. We don’t hate the sinner, we just hate the sin.” bleh.
Hi!
I was recently thinking to myself, wow – will I always be this way my whole life. I mean, will I be 60 or 70 years old with no friends?
I am a normal, kind, stable 34 year old woman that currently does not have friends (by choice). Most of my life being friends (with women) has been seriously problematic. It has been so problematic that recently I decided to stop trying to form friendships with women – I am always courteous, friendly etc. But I have no interest in taking it further into a friendship. I get along really well with men, but men will always hope for/want more with a female friend, so that it also out of the question.
I find myself to be very kind, generous and attentive when I interact with people. The truth is that I find most people lack the characteristics and values that I hold to be important. I would rather do my own thing, cut out drama in my life than to force something that it not natural.
Since I have chosen to not pursue friendships with women, I feel a sense of peace, happiness and acceptance. Please don’t feel bad that you are 60 and dealing with this…just do the things that make you happy, on a day to day basis. I would assume that dealing with drama does not make you happy!
I have also considered going to a therapist to discuss this, but I know it would be a waste of my time. They don’t understand.
I would be happy to chat with anyone on this site to share experiences. Afterall, we all seem to be going through the same thing. My email is [email protected].
I am approaching my 60th birthday and have had difficulty most of my life making friends, I am not married and my son has been out of my life for over ten years. I recently asked a co-worker and her husband to go on vacation for my 60th birthday and she “took over” and made suggestions where she wanted to go, when I paused and sort of rejected her ideas and presented my own…Los Angeles, her reply was…that city is too big. I then suggested maybe London or Paris and her reply was…people are telling me Europe is dangerous. There is more to this story, but why bother. I have found a lot of people to be control freaks with no regard to another’s wants or needs. I have obsessed for the longest time about what I’m doing wrong that does not draw people to me, want to befriend me out of the work arena. Am I boring, moody, too blunt with remarks, have a lousy personality, etc, etc. I don’t consider myself boring, I have a lot of stories to tell. No, I’m not moody and I stay away from those types myself. I do tend to be blunt with remarks but what is so wrong with that, do I need to walk on eggshells all the time? Perhaps it is something I am not thinking of…body language, facial expressions (I have a very expressive face), the way I carry myself, I have no idea. I have been to therapists and all they say is…why don’t you go to a church or become a volunteer. I find this advice rediculous as first of all, did they not think I thought of that myself and I had to pay a $20 co-payment for that stupid advice. I am close to retirement and the thoughts of being alone the rest of my life is kinda scary. My thoughts are with all of you, all ages.
In reply to your comment from your cousin who said “you find out who your real friends are when you are on your deathbed.” I would add when you get sick esp. with the big C. — Sorry to hear about your cousin, but she was absolutely right. I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, and have no friends. I am 63 y.o. and married. I used to work in a gossipy office and tried to ignore the drama. I lost my job when I got sick, and none of my former co-workers are in my life. I reached out to one, and she is really busy with her family. It seems that people do not socialize with those other than their family or really close friends. Since I have been taking cancer medicine, I have declined in health greatly. I have isolated myself and I know this is not good. I have several facial disfigurements that I am self-conscience about. I feel that those that see me are making fun of me or talking about me behind my back. In 2007 I was hospitalized for 4 days with a nervous breakdown. Since then, everybody had shunned me and now I am known as the “crazy” one. My husband even is not as supportative as he used to be. He is in denial about my cancer and will not discuss it. He goes to work every day, and leaves me at home alone. My strength is so weak that I have to drag myself around the house to get to the bathroom and back. He knows this. I’m praying everyday for some miracle. Thanks for listening.
Many on this board have questioned whether it is something they themselves have done to deflect friendships—and some maybe right…but from what it sounds like…if you are a good, kind, considerate, helpful person,…there is no good reason you should not have at least one true female friend…accept for the fact that…this is not your fault…it is “them”…..who are the problem people. I blame society’s current pre-occupation with all things related to “fame, celebrity, and cliques” and this current trend towards categorizing people. Regular people who do have friends…trust me…face this situation all the time of loosing friendships because they prefer to make their way up the ladder of success and popularity…rather than sticking to a true, old, long-term friendship. But just think about this…many of those people…men and women alike who are “upgrading” on their friendships and leaving others in the dust…simply because their friend isn’t “cool” enough…(how immature, and not evolved! )…this attitude will eventually come back to them…and they will find themselves lacking in either friends or “true friendships” and will someday be lonely…they may not act like it…but a person’s soul knows the truth….the emptiness of their own truth. What goes around comes around…that is the nature of life…one day society’s pathetic ways will reveal the real “lonely people”…and all of the people who were kind-hearted will feel thankful for having remained true to themselves in pursuit of quality relationships. From my own experience…I have seen this behavior represented on Facebook…from my sister’s own experiences….and my own. Basically, my friends, I had met at a boarding school. We kept in touch after highschool for awhile…until my occupation and social/class status was not enough to impress them! One friend had so much more interesting people to hang out with…what was the need for me? I was a poor rendition…of a struggling creative type (not making it in the biz) so, she had better people to look up to. Even though, originally, it was I who befriended her when no one else would. I wasn’t doing her a favor either because I enjoyed her company, sincerely, thought she was an interesting person and we had good times. I was always a quiet loner in high school, but people always seemed to single me out…sometimes they thought I was “cool” or “interesting” and even popular people would make a big deal about me…or tease me behind my back! Either way I knew the truth…that all of these girls were only interested in social status and could care less about true companions on life’s journey! They are the truly lonely ones. Concern for social status does not register as one of my values and criteria for making a friend. Unfortunately, our society today totally is obsessed with “image” and maintaining a “successful” lifestyle…that it’s not about the interest in “the individual” anymore …it’s not about just simply…being a friend. It’s really a shame…I suppose whole families have become divided as a result…one sister is the “successful” or “social butterfly” or “soccer mom” and the other can’t relate to it because she lives a single life, or a life making less money, or a life overwhelmed with kids & husband and therefore has nothing to show for herself and no prospects. And instead of the sister reaching out her hand in respect of her supposed poor-to-do sister, she scoffs secretly, and avoids contact out of embarrassment….how pathetic is the human race…at this present date! And I might add, how self-centered! These stories on this site make me sad. Make me cry. I’m tearing as I read them. Just know that, it is not entirely…if at all…your doing…not being able to make friends…it’s just a “sign of the times” we currently live in. But be rest assured…it won’t be like this forever…times do change…and so do people….one day it is very likely you will make a friend. And anything can happen at any time…old patterns constantly crumble. A friend you may make, at a very unlikely place. My kindest heart goes out to you all and yes I am in a similar place in my life early 30′s, living with long-time boyfriend but no female friends or any friends I can call my own. I attended an event to try to “network” –to make both contacts and semi-friendly acquaintances ( I can’t expect too much!)…and snobbery and competitive exchanges were all I received in response to politeness, friendliness, honesty. And don’t tell me honesty is the problem…I think people got it backwords…deceit is the real problem. The problem is people like us..always blame ourselves for every little mistake…that is perhaps not justified at times. When other people could be to blame…in that case..the responsibility is on us because we are the one’s in the driver’s seat and can choose our reaction. Maybe it is not always “our failure” but another’s…that idea should empower us to know that we have this insight…that other’s do not…we can not only be our own friends but friendly to those that would think less of us…that’s the way I have tried to see things at times when I feel low…and then I have felt better. I understand how the reality can seem so discouraging..but I try my best not to expect much from others….so I will not be so disappointed…even though it is unfair. Once again..best to you all on your journey.
i am 35 and in the same boat. Is hard to wrie caue it hurts so much. its like i am a different person aroud my family. and i am shy introverted and anxious around people and i feel they never get so who i really am. peole seem to think i come off sstuck cause i never have anything really important to say and hard to follow and jump in ocnversations sometimes. i just let them talk. I worry so much about what people are think when they are around me sometimes that it affect my ability to enjoy people and their conversations. My only friens in my bf who i been with for seven years and he is a very likeable person too. I never have anyone to hangout with ,relate to , vent or bond wit. its come to the point that a push my family away cause to me its sad the only thing i evr do is with my family i ,last had really close friend like 10 years ago. its hard for me to biuld friendships i guess i dont understand what it really is. yet am always so lonely and really want to be able to relate to people. its sad i have a 3 years old and since she’s not in school yet the only time she gets to play with kids if i take her to the park or laundry mat and she makes friens right away. i wish i could interact the proper way to make friends with the kids mom so she could atleast have friends and play dates cause she is so likeable. i odnt know what to do. i’ve google self heelp groups in my are for ppl with no friends ,social problems, anxiety but dont know how to finds this groups cause i ghet nothing. and my biggest fear is meetin someone and they ask to hang out and its only me and they wonder why i havent had friends so long, this is really sucky makes me sad lonely and depressed, I need help.
I am in the same boat. I’m 38 years old and find myself alone in the friendship department. I’ve always given too much of myself and never gotten the same in return. It’s really sad. I have a family as well…a husband and little girl that I love but sometimes you just want a girlfriend to hang with and confide in. I’ve always had trouble holding onto to friendships for some reason…I try but it just doesn’t work out. I consider myself a loyal friend, fun to hang with and I always make sure to be there for a friend if they need to talk, vent, escape from it all..whatever!
Wow, it makes me feel like maybe i’m not so abnormal seeing everyone else is also going through very similar but different scenarios. Like a lot of you, i feel like i have to be the one that must make the effort and organise everything. I thought i had 3 close girl friends, but i found that one of them i could never relate to, the other seems to resent me and is jealous of everything that she seems to think i have (admittedly, she has been single for the last 8 years). The last girl is very sweet, but is just very busy with her life which is full of friends. Yet, we formed a group of 4 and probably for a few years saw ourselves as a SATC type group of friends. It seemed to be a real friendship group but when my husband cheated on me – so much for counting on the sisterhood to support you! I do count myself lucky in that i have a sister who i am close to and one best friend who is possibly my only real female friend. I actually have a a lot of guy friends (once i’ve been ale to cull the ones that just trying to get in my pants that is)and find that guys are easier to be friends with, but i really miss having girlfriends. A lot of this has really become obvious to me since i moved cities and left everything including my
Estranged husband behind – i’m outgoing and have made some friends, but never girl friends and i’m not sure why. My gay friend said that most girls are very competitive and will feel threatened by me which i find to be sad as i am really quite goofy and down to earth! I used to be a tomboy and have always been able to relate well to guys….now i’m 33 and now quite attractive but, i still get along better with guys. Does anyone else find that women are the ones who form cliques or are difficult to trust?
if it hasn’t been done already we should start a yahoo group or something and we can all be each other’s friends and be more understanding of each other’s situations
if anyone’s interested u can email me at
[email protected]
and we can talk about how to do that. i have no idea how to start a group though but i’m willing to figure it out.
:Omg. i could’ve wrote that.
i’m 19 and i moved around a lot as well but when i was a kid i didnt have trouble making friends. i talked to everyone in all my schools and because everyone loved my brother i even talked to older students. but when i got older it became harder for me to make friends and my brother wasnt there to drag me around with him and his friends. plus my “friend” was spreading rumours about me behind my back
i find that i cant make friends and if i do manage to chat to people the friendship doesn’t grow into anything or last long and leads to a lot of awkward hellos and nothing else.
i’m introverted and it takes a while for me to become comfortable in a new place and with new people and by this time i’ll probably have already been branded as the boring one who doesnt talk.
funny thing is when i’m close to people i am very talkative and loud and my family thinks i’m the loudest person they know but when it comes to other people its different.
i just wish i could find people i could be friends with who wouldn’t be mean or talk about me behind my back.
Thanks for your story, while reading it I kept thinking that you need to acquire some more acquaintences/potential friends. So, how about throwing a party with your boyfriend? He invites his friends, their girlfriends, and especially any single guys. You be bold and invite your one friend and neighbors, co workers, any warm bodies basically (unless they seem like dangerous people). Over invite as many will be busy, keep it casual when you extend the invitation – but specific as to when & time. This might open up a door or two & if not – so what!! You tried something and will have learned a thing or two.
Also, would you be interested in taking a female oriented class? Knitting, Zumba, cooking? Not necessarily to make a friend, but to at least be in the company of other women.
Liz
Yep same boat as you I’m also 23. I had a few friends when I was little but when I moved to Indiana, I started becoming a loner. My past experiences with ppl here and my tendency to dwell on the past prevented me from having ppl think highly of me, so I just decided to be on my own. I do get depressed sometimes but I try to shrug it off.
I can never keep a friendship that lasts out of school hours either and it gets frustrating. I try to open up sometimes but it to hard. I’m thinking maybe moving to a different place will make my chances of making friends much higher.
I’m the same, i’m a 23yr old girl (really don’t consider myself a woman, never had a boyfriend, never even held hands). I’ve always been shy, went to 3 primary schools, and one secondary (moved from Perth, to Sydney, back to Perth).
I’ve always been bad at making friends; I’ve usually only had one at a time. And while I had a ‘group’ of ‘friends’ during high school, I never really had a lot to say during lunch breaks.
While after school, in the last 6 years i’ve made a friend or two here and there while I was trying out Tafe/uni courses (never can stick to them for long), these friendships never lasted outside school hours. Now i’m at uni again, sticking to this course (I want to get something done), I see everyone around making friends, but I can’t even start a conversation.
So, no friends to my name, it’s sort of embarrassing when people (customers at work, hairdressers, relatives etc…), ask me ‘So, what are you up to this weekend?’ or mention ‘your girlfriends’. I tend not comment……
Thank u for sharing your story! I found myself relating to you on so many levels! I’m 25 and I have no close friends. High school in the beginning I had friends but as we got older and boys became everyone’s hobby we all drifted apart. My best friend from high school I talk to on Facebook and she is my hair stylist but that’s it we don’t ever hang out. So many times I tried to make plans but she always had something come up or I could tell she just rather hang out with her other friends. She has so many friends and is so well liked and I wish she would invite me to hang out with them just once but she has never asked me one single time. I have a boyfriend that I have been with for 7 years and we live together. He is wonderful and I consider him my best friend but yet my only friend. I feel like I put alot of pressure on him to always hang out with me since I have no one else. He has a million friends and is loved by everyone. I try and give him his Guy time but I feel like he’s always with his friends or they are always over and he is having so much fun. I envy him and wish I could invite the girls over. His friends are always asking me why I never invite people over and it’s embarrassing! I have tried so hard to make friends at my age but in my town people are either having kids or at the bars, I don’t drink the bars have never been my scene and I don’t have kids so girls feel as tho I can’t relate or I’m no fun because I don’t want to get trashed every weekend. My bfs friends have gfs and wives but I feel like they all talk shit about me or like I said have kids and don’t have time to hang out. The girls all gossip about eachother and its just so fake why would I want to join them!? I forgot to mention Later in high school I was bullied by girls and I think it def affects my trust and attitude about girls. I am told girls are jealous of me and intimated so that’s why no one gives me a Chance, but to me that’s a sad excuse to not like someone. I find myself getting very attached to girls if they show a sign of wanting to be friends and when they don’t show me the loyal friendship I offer them its devastating. I am so loyal and would take a bullet for you, but I never get that in return. So with a bf who is always busy and me being a 25 year old girl who should be having the best time of mylife I am finding myself home alone most nights watching TV or decorationg the house. My parents and I are very close and I am always hanging out with them, I feel like a child again tho always tagging along with them and I know they feel sorry for me so it makes me feel even more like a bigger baby. I have an older sister but she lives far and has more friends then I can count we r very opposite of eacbother. I just find myself alone alot even tho I live with my bf and I am close to my family. I feel guilty feeling alone but I am lacking Bonding and girl time with other females and I don’t know how to fix it. I am jealous of my bf for being so busy with his friends and that’s not normal….but what’s normal these days….thanks for Listening.
Wow, this is like an excerpt out of the story of my life! We’re around the same age as well (will be 26)! The similarities have rendered me somewhat speechless, but I hope that you were able to find some form of comfort in knowing that others can relate. I’m definitely in the same boat so let’s keep on rowing our way to lasting friendships
!
I’ve had the same issue. I’m 21 years old and I’ve never had a best friend my entire life. I feel so lonely sometimes, that I go crazy. I want to talk to someone, let out my thoughts out and feel loved. But all my friendships have fallen apart, just like yours. Nobody wants to talk to me. I have a boyfriend and the worst thing is, he lives in a different country. He’s my only best friend and I love spending time with him. But of course, he’s so popular and social, he’s mostly spending time with other people. So it’s always me who’s emailing him, trying to call him, chatting with him on Facebook. The good part is, he doesn’t get tired of all my emails or my neediness. He’s very patient with me. Well, I hope he doesn’t turn around one fine day.
I totally understand how you feel. I have felt the same for most of my life. I’ve changed 7 schools and moved to 3 different countries. It’s like every time I make friends, it’s time to leave. I’ve also been talked about. Nobody wants to be my friend for long or I always end up being hated in school. I’ve noticed, if I ever have best friends, its always a guy. I’ve never had a girlfriend! And if I ever had one, she ends up hating me. The guys are always nicer but what hurts is, a lot of them have taken my neediness for granted. They try to get what they want and then, they leave. So I stopped trying to make friends with guys or girls. I don’t want to be hated or feel used. It’s like, the more I make friends, more people end up hating me. It’s better to not have friends, than to be hated.
Now my only friend is my boyfriend and I always pray, he doesn’t leave me. I keep telling him, how much he means to me. That embarrasses him a lot, but he loves the attention I give. Well, I only hope, things will always be like that between me and him. And I hope, you also find someone, who’ll always be there for you.
Love,
Meg
my neam is nanda i am 39 year i live in guyana i love god but my life is not too good i feel alone i am in st maarit with a firend he is not nice to me,
Wish we lived closer I would love to get to know you. I have an 8 yr old little boy. Husband works out of state alot. I had a hand full of friends some died, some moved lost contact, and one friend’s husband starting hitting on me, and it was difficult to see my friend. I stopped seeing this friend for awhile because of her hubby, and when I tried she was hurt I was distant I could not tell her why I figured my friendship would be over. I actually only have one true friend left she lives 1300 miles away see her once a year, but talk on the phone almost daily. Just wish I had someone to do things with that lived close by now & than.
I have the same kind of friend. She actually told me 3 months ago that she wouldn’t have time to hang out till March. Uh it is almost April and now I find she planned a girls trip to Miami but didn’t invite me. We have been BF for over 10 years!
Or maybe a yahoo group maybe a bit more confidential.
I have always had issues with friendships even when I was younger. Either I give too much and get nothing or I get involved with people that aren’t good friends. Here I am at 40 and I feel lonelier than ever. I have a great family but they are all men, my husband and kids. I enjoy doing girl things and having an occasional ladies night out. For my birthday, my friend said she couldnt do a ladies night with me because she felt bad that her husband worked that night. However she’s all over facebook with her girl co workers the day after my birthday and her husband was working that night. I felt like crap. For her birthday I helped her plan it and was at her party and I gave her a gift. For me, no gift, no ladies night. I haven’t spoken to her since I saw those pictures because I dont’ want to be rude. This is a story that is repeated constantly in my life and I don’t know what to do about it.
It is strange that there are so many of us. SOunds like we need a group where we can all come together. Maybe we should start a Facebook group? What should we call it?
I am glad to hear I am not the only one who feels this way, but sad that it has happened to us. I am 26 years old, as far away from having kids or being married but still having a boyfriend that I could be, and lonely. I live in a rural area so finding friends is hard, but for me making them is even harder. I am struggling with anxiety and depression so it is very hard for me to get up the iniciateive to go out and find friends especially with being an introvert. Ive had good friendships over the past when I was in school but then as I got older things changed and my best friends at the time would move on. I’d then managed to make new friends and our friendships grew but again the same cycle would continue and as I got older it was harder and harder to make friends. Now that I am out of school It seems impossible to me. I just want someone who shares common ground with me, someone whom I can connect with and hang out with and actually bond. I’ve been searching for someone who would reciprocate what I gave to them, but that’s been proving difficult. My best friend from high school moved away and hardly talks to me and my other friend recently entered into mommy and wife hood and seems to only need me when it’s convinient for her. I don’t have many friends at all and my third and final friend is more of an acquaintance then a friend. I always feel inadequate when I’m around her because she has so many friends and everyone loves to be around her yet when I try to make plans with her they fall through. I also get a strange feeling that she has some not so nice things to say about me behind my back. Perhaps it’s paranoia or maybe I am doing something wrong! It makes it hard because I feel like I’m not worth the time of day but yet I give my all to my friends and receive nothing similar. So I began a search for new friends, and answers, and came across this forum and am shocked at how many of us there really are. I sort of thought I was the only one and everyone else had whatever I seem to be missing to always get that perfect friendship. I wonder if like many of you, sometimes maybe potential friends can smell my social awkwardness or something, or if I am just an impossible person to befriend due to my own shortcomings?
I feel the same as a lot of you. I am 35 married two small kids. I have a good career but I feel like I have no friends. I did move a lot as a kid so maybe that is part of it. I had a rough childhood, my dad died when I was 8 and my step father when I was 17. I have only ever made one close friend here and there through my whole life but the 2 I have now live in different cities and are busy with their own lives. I see a lot of my so called friends having girls nights and going on trips with friends but they slowly over time stopped inviting me. Sometimes I think I am so concerned with whether or not the “cool kids” will like me that it turns them off. I am smart and outspoken and that apparently is not a desirable quality either. I just want a group to hang with one evening a month so I can get away from the noise of my small kids and the hubby. I just want to have some fun. I feel so depressed and lonely.
Its feels so good to hear that i am not the only one, i am 30yrs, married with 2 handsome boys, am an introvert, have no friends in my life. I find it hard to make friends such that I have learnt to move on with life on my own.
I don’t know why your mom tells you “they’re just jealous” of you–probably to make you feel better in her own way. Twelve years old is awfully young to have a boyfriend of any sort. That’s young.
Are you *always* shy, or only at certain times? Does your mom call you shy when you’re within earshot? If so, and I know it’s hard, but don’t listen to her when she explains to people that you’re “shy”. Write down all the times you were NOT shy! All of them! You might see a pattern! You’re not shy calling these two girls, or inviting them over. You could ask one of them why she never invites you over. You might be surprised at the answer: she could be embarrassed at the state of her home; thinks her home isn’t as nice as yours; it’s never occurred to her; who knows!
I kept up a friendship by mail with a friend who’d moved away for years, until we went to college and we had changed too much. Maybe you could do it, too?
Keep trying with other kids. Luckily, you’re going in Middle School (or unluckily…). It can be rough, but then again, you can meet lots of kids you don’t know for the first time, and find clubs to join, etc etc. If you’re worried about the summer coming, see if there’s a community boys & girls club you can join, or a YMCA camp to keep you occupied.
Feel the same as you, my husband is amazing, but I need female friends
I just feel like there is something wrong with me because I dont keep friendships for a long time, and I feel it affects my daughter and her relationships with her playmates.feel so sorry and guilty for my daughter!!!
God help me !!!
Believe me, when I was your age I was just like you, people tend to follow the leader, and since you are shy people sense that and act according to that, just do what you want and dont seek for nobodys acceptance, BUT keep your dignity, dont get drunk or do crazy stuff, just to prove a point, its silly because people just make fun of it, just dont care what people think, and in ten years, these so called friends wont be in your life, and other people, far more important will be in your life, like your husband. You will look back, and wonder why you cared so much to have friends!!!
Goodness, I’ve just come across this thread and you’ve practically described me to myself. I get the feeling people just don’t want to befriend ME rather than me not wanting to befriend them. As you said, I think it’s because people who have not had our experiences of really moving around ( not just going on a gap year, lol) feel that we’re too ‘intense’ or something. I get the impression that people who have mostly or always just lived in one place take and need a long time in order to make friends with people and that they’re fully confident of their right to this time.
As a result of my life story, however, I for one am always waiting for something else to happen and so ‘expect’ a lot from the start. A mere initial conversation about mututal hobbies, if they match and I and the person get on, leads to an immediate expectation that we should become friends. As the article above says, also, not having managed to keep hardly any long-term friendships going, I am probably more desperate for someone’s friendship than they are for mine.
Also, after initially moving from my country of birth as a young child ( age 6) I stayed in the next place for a similarly long time ( 8 years), actually and remember what it felt like to just be able to ‘pick and choose’ my friends to a certain extent. I’ve changed as a result of 2 moves and a family breakdown ( it seems to matter a lot what actually happens generally in your life since then and whereas before I wouldn’t talk to someone, say, who was obsessed with sport ( because I find it boring, lol) now I even find myself looking up various sport terms, i.e tennis in order to be able to converse with people on their level. In a way it’s great, it’s made me more open minded, more easy-going and inquisitive not just about people but the world in general but at the same time… it also makes me odd.. because other people aren’t like that. They’re snooty. Not in any bad way, just in a natural way. But the main point, I think is that when you meet them – those people already have their world, they don’t really *need* you in it and yeah, that wall is a really hard thing to get through, mostly.
Anyway. I also have next-to-no dating/ romantic record, just like you. My reasons for that are complex because they involve a cosmetic disability of sorts and ill health throughout my teenage years but.. whatever. The moving around has made me wary of reaching out for something because what’s the point, right?
I recently came back to the place of my childhood that I lived in b/w the ages of 6-14 in the hope of finding stability and realised I’m a complete stranger here now.
I’ve got one friend from my junior school days who makes an effort with me even though most days I just feel dead ( and have of late, I think due to feeling generally isolated, become crap at even being able to make it to our meetings that much. I’ve stood her up like… 10 times because I just wonder if no-one else wants to know me, why should she..)but that’s about it and she’s someone I only fell back in touch with by accident on bumping into her on the street when I first relocated.
In short… what i meant to say is.. you, personally are not doing anything wrong. You are trying your best, just as I am but one shouldn’t expect much of people who, in essence, just don’t know what it’s like not to belong or to be lonely in the way that you do. And note, I say ‘in the way that you do’ ,meaning I’m not suggesting they’ve never been through the above experiences but
that they have never been through it in the same fashion as you or I or other people like us out there have. They have always had a degree of stability to keep them going through it. We, in most cases, haven’t.
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I have to agree fully about your “middle school” comment! That’s how I feel right now. I’m in a situation where I was betrayed by my best friend and now I am being ganged up on, harrassed and such by her friends who are all in their 30′s and 40′s. This is happening at church no less and everytime I make a new friend, these women sabotage the new friendship. I thought by our age women would grow up, but I found that we might have to be in our 90′s before such happens. There is a book called, “Mean Girls, Meaner Women” that I am thinking of reading. Maybe this will be helpful in at least understanding things.
I wonder how many of us that feel the same way, actually live in the same city, and could be that friend we are looking for!
I would love to meet someone like you, because you feel the same way I do. I’m not bubbly and outgoing, but I’m friendly and kind and dying for best friends. I’m a middle aged kind-of-shy woman who is losing confidence by the day. I too, have given up, but it still makes me sad. I want a BFF that isn’t my husband. I want a friend to share life with.
Sorry to hear your stories, I try so hard all the time, now it’s two years and a half since I moved to a new city, and still there is no-one that I can call a friend – I tried to be less needy, less judgmental, more outgoing even if doing so gives me a rash (really!), and as a result I have gathered a large number of acquaintances and facebook “Friends”, but no friends. I had one, she picked me, we had things in common, and now she had a baby and just disappeared. I go everyday trying to be optimistic, saying that I haven’t met the right people, that because of several factors I am a bit different from the majority of people so I need to be patient, but still some days like today I just break down in a thousand pieces, and sometimes I think that people can “smell” that and that is why I have no friends. Sometimes I think I have an idealized version of what a best friend is, thing is, I need someone to talk with at least a couple times a week. I have zero relationships with men too, I feel it must be because of the same reason I can’t make friends, but maybe not. I clearly am doing something wrong and I don’t know what.
I am new at this workplace, we are 9 women and 4 men. The men are hardly at the office so it is just us ladies alone. Now the Boss said that bitchery would happen but so far it has not but I do feel a vibe from some of the women……. I have only been doing my job and doing what these women ask of me. I really do not like conflict but this one young lady is almost in competition with me. we are both the youngest in the workplace but it is as if when I do a certain hairstyle, she does the next day the same, but she gets compliments for it because she dyed her hair like different colours so it looks better. With the work outfits also. She has said that because i am skinny is not cute, but she is short so she is cute. Are we like in middle school as the way she is going on about it?!
What sweet and wonderful words of encouragement – thanks!!!!
Your comment makes me feel so sad – I can relate. I am 45, with a 9 year old and my elderly grandma lives with us. My husband works out of state now, and for the majority of the time is away from home. It has been a difficult adjustment for me because he is my best friend. I quit my stressful job to finish school. I keep myself busy with my son, my grandmother and school, but….it is not the same. It is hard to cope with feelings of loneliness. I do have my dog though!
Animals are great companions.
I understand wholeheartedly how you feel. I have moved around alot over the years and have had great difficult establishing any kind of bond with other women. I am an only child and my husband has three sisters, one that I became extremely close to. She did not treat me very well, so that was the end of that. Our son also is in the same boat as yours. I often feel much guilt and pain for him because I want him to have close friends. He is very outgoing, which helps, but I cannot help but feel that I need to do more on my end to facilitate get togethers.
Not that I am one to be giving any advice,but this has worked for me. Be confident and content with who you are and make your own fun. Take your son and have a mommy and son day out – go to the park, play tennis, have a picnic. I would take the high road. Additionally, if you truly want to befriend the others, I would take a bold step and make it a point to remind them of how much fun it would be for your son to join the others. If they continue to to shun you, then you are dealing with high school mentality and do not want any part of this childishness anyway!!!
I am 12 and have two friends, but it seems I’m the one that starts a conversation, invites them over, or starts anything with them. We frequently have silly arguments that last a long time. I think 6th grade might be the end of our friendship. My other two best friends just moved away and we haven’t talked since last summer. When I try to be “social” and make new friends, it never seems to work out. My mother says, “They’re just jealous of you,” but I’m not pretty, and don’t have a boyfriend (both my friends do). so what is there to be jealous of? It may seem like I’m just complaining but I guess this is just my way of speaking out (I’m actually very shy).
I think I wrote this, only you did. I searched through these comments trying to find myself. BINGO. I am you.
My problem is I make a new friend and then something happens ,for example my daughter and my friends daughter fell out and then it effected our friendship.I am getting tired of trying
Tried for two years to fit in with the moms in my neighborhood and im just finally over it. I tried so hard to be friendly, inquire about their kids, plan play dates but they never reciprocate. SO painful when they were all trick or treating together and didnt even acknowledge me and my son. The one mom always makes her husband call me if our kids want to play. She also sends him to pick up or drop off their son. I have a professional job, keep a nice home, and try to maintain my appearance. I just cant understand why these women shun me. I blame myself when my son feels left out of their sleepovers, partys, etc. I torture myself by having these people as my facebook friends, reading how much fun all the mommies had over the weekend. People can be so cruel.
I feel so awful for you. Seems like you are missing out on being who you really are. The one woman who says it is okay for you to “be in her presence” needs to wake up from her narcississtic dream. I hope you find a way to break out of this situation if only to take some classes or do some things that you want to do with your life. My heart goes out to you. I have started blogging which is how I have made a few friends who are supportive of me. None are close friends but I know bloggers who have made close friends in this particular social network. I’m just glad to make friends at all as everyone needs the love and attention of a friendship. Best wishes
I feel the same. I have tried the same things. I am a 52 year old mother of 4 grown children and married, but miss a life with some “girlfriends”. I see posts on facebook of others that seem to have that and are always going here and there, trips, parties, dinner engagements with gal friends. It is depressing. I don’t want to seem needy, but I feel this is a much missed enjoyment in my life.
I am 52, with 4 grown children, and feel lonely most of the time. I feel I have given my husband so much of my attention that I did not pursue interests or relationships of my own. He is a social butterfly and I am much more inhibited and shy. I have had close friends in the past, but feel that other people don’t place that much importance on the friendship, as they are always busy with family or other people in their life. Also, much time I could have devoted to nourishing the friendship was placed on the back burner so I could spend time with my husband instead. I also have a very stressful job that leaves me exhausted and I like time to be alone to just unwind. This will also leave me feeling alone, as he goes and does his enjoyable activities while I sit home, alone. I was much like you when I was your age with 4 children at home. I feel the older you get the harder it is to make friends, as everyone is busy with their own lives and established friendships.
I found the research about females moving a lot as a child having difficulty with friendships very interesting. I’m not sure what it means, or how it helps, but interesting. I went to 13 different schools before high school. I eventually learned how to make friends but was never particularly “popular” except during a brief time when my Mother was married to someone with “Money” and we appeared to be an upwardly mobile family. I think people are “fickle” about appearances. Although my friends are few they tend to be very close. It has been disappointing to me that many people will be friends with you but have their own “agenda”. This seems to be particularly true of people within churches who will be friends with you as long as you go to their church. Recently, I have was very hurt and disappointed when laid up for six weeks, unable to drive or take care of myself well: a local friend did not even offer to be helpful despite the fact that I have gone out of my way to be “there for her”.
I am a 36 year old mother and wife and I really do not have any friends. My husband has all the friends and when I try and make friends with the females that he hangs out with I am shunned away. There is one who gets up at 4:30am worksout,gets ready for work, then her child, goes to work, comes home, cooks, cleans and looks perfect!!! I try and emulate her and I get told tonight that she does not want to be friends with me but it is ok that I am in her presence. I feel so lonely even though my husband and son are in the house. I go to bed every night about this time so I do not have to deal with the loneliness.
I am 36 and should have at least one friend.
Gosh, I really thought I was the only person that felt this way. I’m a 29 year old stay at home mom because I was recently laid off. For as long as I can remember I have had trouble making and keeping friends. Okay part of it is…I’m an introvert…but still. When I make an effort it seems like most women try to avoid me. I’m not sure why. I’m not going to be like most women and say, “they’re just jealous!” Because I know that’s not true. I’m not beautiful and glamorous so there’s nothing to be jealous about. So what is it about me?!
Hello “what social network”!
Im sorry about your divorce
that sucks – but you are NOT pathetic!
Can I just say though, I think you’re looking at the professional side of things in the wrong way – that you don’t have a network of people to ‘use’. This may effect your personal satisfaction in life? What about try a new perspective, don’t be around people you need to ‘use’ just find people with a genuine smile, and get to know them – they’re the good ones
from there, build friendships, and who knows – they may know someone who will help you get to the next stage. Just don’t make friends/connections purely for your own benefit – its a 50/50 emotional partnership, not a financial one.
Sorry if this isn’t who you are and I have totally missed the mark..
I am like most of you – lacking in deep female friendships.
The way I am starting to see it over my life is that, there are many people out there, though not all are for us.
2 of my closest friends (good talking relationships) are ‘people people’ who everyone else gravitates to – it could possibly be that all the people surrounding them are like you and I (not friend friend people)!
Or it’s quite possibly we’re (you and I) just picky people!
Or it’s quite possible that our (yours and mine) social skills are lacking?
I totally see how moving a lot as a child effects friendships – but I only moved once in my high school years. I am a fun and genuine person to be around, and I know how to connect to people – I just don’t know how to make ‘the next step’. Maybe my personality doesn’t welcome it – I could appear too satisfied in myself to not want it?! But I do! Maybe I put my foot in it sometimes also and don’t realise that compassion is the key to get it out! Maybe Im blind to this sometimes. Who is supposed to teach these things?! hehe
When the chips are down (and) up, there is nothing more one wants. Loneliness sucks. I think being in a relationship can stump friendship capability, as as females we can get lazy when we have ‘the one’. Also male partners can sometimes highlight our need to have friends, because they can’t offer the kind of friendship and conversation a female would. Catch 22.
I’ve recently broken up with my partner
its all for the better, but only now I can see again what I was missing out on with with other people/friends. Silly thing is I kept saying to myself I would try harder with friends when I was in a relationship, but my other ‘friends’ were in relationships too – and equally as slack so it rarely happened!
It seems that most of us are opening up to each other/the world! on this forum, but maybe the skill we lack that other ‘friend friend’ people have, is humility and or emotion?? We’re all trying to be strong at the end of it! But really, are we?!
If we open up/ give insight as to who we are, and truly see who others – compassion would come in. Maybe thats what we’re missing?!
x x x to all
I too have a good marriage with two great kids but I constantly feel lonely. My best friend died of cancer three years ago and another close friend moved out of province. Since then I have tried to make other friends but everyone seems to have a social network and don’t seem to be open to another friend. I feel that my lack of friendships is now affecting my children as they don’t seem to have a lot of friends – not a lot of calls for playdates etc… and so if I’m not thinking about my own situation I am worrying about them. Such a difficult situation to be in.
My expectations are not super high but i agree i deserve to be treated well just like I treat them! I set myself up for disappointment every time
I am so tired of the hurt n games n drama. I do not wana lower my expectation but im tired of being lonely.
Hi everyone I am a 44 year old with a wonderful husband and three lovely children yet I still struggle to make friends. It has been so encouraging to know there are others like me because it makes me feel like I am not a freak. I am an introvert and I am struggling still with low self esteem. It seems that people I know are too busy to bother with me or my family. We try to be friendly to people yet it is difficult to form a solid friendship with anyone. However, I am really thankful for my family and if people don’t want to make the effort, then perhaps they are not worth knowing. Don’t give up though – I am sure there are some really nice friends out there; we just haven’t met them yet!
My sisters were my friends also; we were together most of our lives…one has died, 3 live far away, and I have one in the same town but we don’t get along, I try..I’m so lonely I wish I had my sisters or at least a friend. I miss my daughter and grandkids, even my ex-husband…anyway I agree "I sound so DAMN pathetic!"…..
I feel like I wrote all this, I feel exactly the same and the end of the day I asked my self why no one calls me or send me a message, when I’m in facebook why I don’t have any messages or no one wrote anything in my page, anyway my mom always said to me " no one told you to go there and get rejected" you don’t need anyone to play ! but I do feel like I’m not friendly worthy at all. I had a couple friends that I’d considered my best friends, but it has been more than 8 months since I have seen one of them, just a couple text messages a month ago. I’m married too, with a toddler and a baby and alone all the time, I’m as you can see a foreigner too I came to the US 11 years ago. But now I feel better after reading your post.
I’m in Niagara West, Canada Siouxzen, and I totally understand about the wedding. I had two previous marriages and I can honestly say I knew only 4 people at each, my parents and sister plus one friend. the rest of the guests were all his family (ITalian, there were hundreds, second was British and there was an entire army of them) this third time around, I married my high school boyfriend. he is a loner too and had never been married, so we decided to just wear our blue jeans and go to our old hang out spot and get married there, with family as witnesses and his only friend there. I even had to ask him to “give up” his only other friend before we married, because I found out this woman had once been intimate with him and it really bothered me that she would call him and owed him money and kept him on a string. she had to go and I felt bad but I felt suffocated while she was still in the picture. so, we are each other’s best friends, and although we both have public jobs and have tons of business acquaintances and are well known in our community, we stick to each other and ourselves. its hard but I find I’ve overcompensated my social ineptitude by entering a field where I can be an extreme extrovert, and I guess this puts people off. I talk way too much about everything. I spew knowledge and irritate everyone I guess…do your wedding your way. its your day. I hated the big ones its no fun being the centre of attention in front of people you dont know and can’t really feel good for you. take care and best of luck. [email protected]
I feel just like you I am 51, going through menopause, and the only friend I have is my husband (we have been married less than 2 years.) He’s sick of hearing about my female problems as he feels totally helpless…I moved constantly as a child and made friends easy until we moved from Canada to US and I had to learn English. I then became the French girl…it was very hard on me. my family continued to move and it was in High School that I finally thought I fit in, only with the wrong, drug seeking partying crowd. that started a lifelong addiction type personality change. I got out of drugs by College and married. but I was obviously too clingy and demanding of my husbands and after 3 of them, they all got rid of me. I spent 3 years “fixing” myself, lost weight, ate well, stopped drinking, and felt like I needed to find my first boyfriend from High School. glad I did, we connected then and it was a misunderstanding on my part that we broke up. we are now married but he doesn’t have friends either. we each have one or two friends and are not socially active, but we have come to enjoy each other immensely. but it would be nice to have girlfriends to chat with about menopause and aging. people in my neighbourhood are all young with new families. we don’t fit in. I basically ask questions to any ladies I see at stores or library or online. and I rely on my sister a lot, but she is much younger than me and in a totally different place in her life. My kids are grown and moved out. I remember making one friend at pre-natal class 20 years ago and we still communicate once in a while. it is hard.
I can definitely relate with everything you said.I as well came from another country when I was eight years old. I have always felt an outcast, whenever I have made friends somehow or another the friendships did not last or was hurt by them. I have always felt “is it me” type of attitude.
I can only hope that one day I can meet a kindred spirit someone who has my back as well as I have there’s. Someone I can truly trust. I have my husband and I am so blessed to have him but who does not need a girlfriend.
I wanted you to know that your post truly touched me and I can say that I now know I am not alone..
Thank you …
Hi I have no really close freinds either. Email address is [email protected] Need freinds.
I SEEM TO FEEL THE SAME WAY AS MANY OF YOU. I TOO MOVED A LOT WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND CAME TO THE US NOT KNOWING THE LANGUAGE WHEN I WAS 12. NO ONE WOULD WANT TO BE MY FRIEND BECAUSE I WAS DIFFERENT AND MANY MADE FUN OF ME ALL THROUGH OUT HS. NOT UNTIL COLLEGE I BEGAN TO GAVE “FRIENDSHIPS” SO I JOINED A SORORITY IN HOPES TO HAVING “FRIENDS” AND NOT FEEL SO ALONE…ALL THEY DID WAS HAZE ME AND I DID FORM FRIENDSHIPS BUT BECAUSE OF THE WAY I WAS TREATED DURING PLEDGING I LATER WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM…NOW IN MY THIRTIES WITH A HUSBAND, A TODDLER AND NEWBORN I FIND MYSELF “NEEDING” TO FIND FRIENDS FOR MY KIDS SAKE. LANGUAGE HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM FOR MANY YEARS BUT I’M ALWAYS THE GIRL WITH THE ACCENT OR THE GIRL FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY TO THESE OTHER MOMS AND I FEEL I’M ALWAYS SECLUDED (AND IF YOU LIVE IN A “RICH” COUNTY LIKE I DO, IT SEEMS THAT FRIENDSHIPS ARE FORMED BY YOUR FINANCIAL STATUS AND NOT HOW YOU ARE AS A PERSON BUT THAT’S A DIFFERENT STORY) …NEVER “AMERICAN ENOUGH” TO BE ONE OF THE GROUP. I’M A FRIENDLY PERSON BUT DUE TO LIFE IN GENERAL I HAVE FAILED TO LEARN TO KEEP FRIENDHIPS AND LOOKING INTO MYSELF I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT DEEP INSIDE ALTHOUGH IT HURTS SOMETIMES NOT TO BE THAT POPULAR FRIEND THAT EVERYONE CALLS OR WANTS TO COME OVER TO HANG OUT THAT IT’S OK! I LOVE THE PERSON THAT I AM AND WHY MUST I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE I LACK TO MAKE AND KEEP FRIENDS… I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT I DON’T NEED ALL OF “THESE FRIENDS” JUST TO FEEL POPULAR OR WANTED…IT IS OK TO BE ME AND IF PEOPLE WANT TO BE MY FRIEND THEY WILL ACCEPT THAT I DON’T CALL ALL OF THE TIME, OR THAT I RATHER STAY HOME THAN GO OUT WITH THE GIRLS PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING THAT I AM NOT, OR GOSSIP ABOUT PEOPLE TO JUST BE ONE OF THE GIRLS IN THE GROUP THAT TALKS ABOUT OTHERS TO HAVE SOMETHING “IN COMMON”…ALL OF THE THINGS THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH IN MY LIFE HAVE TAUGHT ME TO BE STRONG, INDEPENDENT AND THAT YES, FRIENDSHIPS ARE GOOD BUT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING BACK WHAT YOU ARE INVESTING IN A FRIENDSHIP MOVE ON! IT IS OK FOR US TO BE “FRIENDLESS” OR UNPOPULAR WHO CARES! BE HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE AND IF FRIENDS COME AND GO IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS JUST FINE MAYBE JUST MAYBE ONE DAY YOU WILL FIND THAT ONE PERSON YOU CAN CALL YOUR REAL FRIEND, UNTIL THEN, BE YOUR “OWN” BEST FRIEND TO YOURSELF, DON’T FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT PART OF THE “NORM” OF WHAT SOCIETY WANTS / EXPECTS YOU TO BE…LADIES AFTER WRITING THIS I MUST SAY THAT I FEEL GOOD AND ALTHOUGH I TOO DOUBT MYSELF AND FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF AT TIMES, WE MUST NOT COMPARE OURSELVES WITH OTHERS…SOMETIMES ITS BETTER TO HAVE NO FRIENDS THAN 20 THAT ARE TRULY NO FRIENDS AT ALL…LETS LOVE WHO WE ARE AND BE OUR OWN BEST FRIENDS FOR A CHANGE!
I can relate, but I don’t have a husband
I live in Ottawa, also but in the city. I’ll be 36 next month, and feel a certain disconnect from my “friends” It is very comforting to know we’re not alone
Yes. There is no criteria for making a new friend. If u dnt hv frnds of ur own doesnt mean u r nt eligible for others frndshp. Friendship is a two way relationship if u can gv something then only you should expect from the other. You should not restrict yourself from seeking new friends. All you need is to be yourself.
I’m 19. I’ve been unable to make friends as long as I can remember. The sad thing is that I do tend to make friends but my friendships fall apart for many reasons. Though I do care for my friends, am considerate of my friends and their feelings, have an interest in their goals, I have seen that many a times these are not really returned from their part. It is more like I ‘m part of a group and I’m never an insider there- I’m always this outsider no matter where I go. It is painful and even though I smile and look like everything is fine, I crave to have friends with whom I can actually share just what I feel and just what interests me. Even when I move on to make closer connections, the person in question never returns such feelings. He/she will be friendly with me but in the presence of others will always be chatting and spending time with them. I’d be ignored then.
Other times I’ve lost friendship because my “friends” were ashamed of being with me because I might hurt their “cool” status at school. Or because they haven’t seen me for a while(changed schools or sth) and don’t feel that way about me any more.
Or another time in like grade-3 I changed schools and I missed my friends from previous school. I’d call them up and they’d talk to me too, saying that they miss me. But later on, I found out that they have been saying horrible things about me behind my back to every one else at school. “She is so horrible; I wish I could take away all the presents I gave her,”my best friend said. Strangely, she was the one who started spreading rumors about me.
The thing is that I have always craved for just one friend who’d have similar interests as me. But I’ve never found any one like that as of yet.
Even with the current two friends that I have, I am an outsider. I see a closeness between them that I never see myself having between me and either of them. They are always calling each other up, mailing, texting and skyping each other. They hardly feel the need to do those things with me. It is more like I have to always call them up, always do every thing for them and maybe, just maybe they’ll give a reply.
I am basically tired of always needing people and having them never need nor want me. I want them to need me too. But these problems only seem to be a problem for me. It seems as if sth is wrong with me, that I keep running into the same problems over and over again.
Overall, I’ve changed schools three times. That might be a reason why I’m in the condition that I am. But I’m still surprised that I couldn’t make close friends even though I spent ten years in the last school.
I would like to consider myself to be very out going, open minded, loyal and will treat a friend like they were my own family… the way I would like to be treated. (with kindness and respect) But I can not seem to not be able to keep friends. In fact, someone actually said asked me in 2008 "how can anyone stand you?" she even have me blocked on FB. That is when I know that there is something really wrong with me to cause everyone to run a way and want nothing to do with me. I’ve tried and try figure out if there is something wrong with me even down to whether or not my voice sounds annoying. I just turned 30, married to a loving husband and mother to a beautiful healthy 2 year old. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years this year. For our wedding 5 years ago we pretty much eloped because I felt that I also don’t have anyone in my life (not even family) who would care to celebrate the day with us. I had a small dinner reception back home mostly to invite the husbands family, family friends, co-workers and a couple friends and friends of friends. No one I can truly say where my friends. The people that I thought were my friends are no longer in my life. I feel so lonely most of the time and I HATE that feeling. I’m always so stress out as to why I’m so unlucky or curse to not have friends or family (my own mom, dad, brothers or sister) in my life. Not to mention that when I die (not that I will do anything) die of old age I pray…who will be at my funeral? I know that I’m very bless to have a family I can call my own but not having friends, external families and knowing that the world despise of me is a very hard life to live. So Thanks for sharing your story with me I pray that we all can find happiness one day.
It shouldn’t be this hard. It wasn’t earlier in my life…until I moved away from the home town that I grew up in. Seems like every time I meet someone new, they already have a set circle of friends. I used to make friends easily and now I can’t seem to. I wonder the same, if people found out I was friendless would they still want to be my friend?
i am now 55 years old and have moved away from all my childhood friends a long time ago. Made all kinds of new friends who were much younger but single like i was. i got married at 30 and my group of friends have all moved on into relationships and none of us kept in touch. when i got married i moved to a small town and had not one friend. i met a really good friend who again was younger than i. we had our first child pretty much around the same time. she is no longer married to this man. she met another guy and now has 3more children. they are all under the age of 6 years old. i hardly ever see her as she has little kids and my daughter is now 17. I have nothing in common with her right now. my husband and i have lots of couples we hang with but none of them are my friends. they grew up with my husband. now i am 55 and pretty much doing my own thing like going to the gym ect. i have many people i see at the gym all the time. right now i really have no close friend to chum with on a regular basis. i hope that one day my sister moves back to canada because her and i are best friends. i am very happy with my life and i am not going to get all depressed because of this. Just keep on living and putting yourself out their and enjoy who you meet along the way. there are lots of us out there living and having a wonderful life without having the friends group at our becken call.
Glad and sad that I am not alone. I am 44. Divorced 2 years ago due to husbands midlife and all the friends we both shared fell off like rats off a sinking ship as well as a handful of the ones I cultivated myself. Truth is, I have no real clue how to “be” a friend stemming from my childhood. It’s not like I was uprooted time and again. No. I was just SUFFOCATED by a mother who panned friendships for her 3 girls and told us that “we” were each others friends because we are so close in age. Now? My two older sisters have wonderfully full lives with children and families and simply can’t comprehend what it is I am going through by getting a “do-over” in life. On top of that personal lonlieness, the divorce sent me into a tailspin professionally. On my husbands income, I could do what I wanted to do be doing….and had left the working world to start my own business thus killed by the economy. Now to get back in the game to support myself, I have NO DAMN network of people I can literally USE to get me into a company. So professionally and personally, I am a very lonely lady that needs help for I trust no one. Fear is running my life now and I have no REAL person to turn to because my ex husband wasn’t the only person to shit on me. Its kinda been a way of life. Thank GOD I didn’t have children to drag them down with me. I, too, sound SO DAMN pathetic!
hi im 23 years old and i have no friends, i have plenty of work collegues but no one who you would say was a ‘friend’. I cannot think of one good friendship i have had, most have ended badly and ive gotten hurt. I have moved to a different county a few years ago, so thus all my friendships were lost there. I am in a relationship, my parther wants me to have friends, it is an issue that comes up regularly, which turns into a arguement. Hes told me its strange that i do not have friends and it would take pressure of him if i had other people to see and be around. He has also suggested i go speak to someone. Do not get me wrong i want friends but i find it difficult to come across them or initate a friendship. I am reading the posts, comforting to know that there are other woman out there with the same issue.
“I really just want to connect with others without giving my whole life story or proving my work status or where I live.”That sums me up too. I think good friends might expect us to give them our story, though. I struggle with that. My story isn’t colorful. I have played it safe and remained mostly in a comfort zone, and feel judged for not taking a lot of risks. I don’t mean dramatic risks. I mean everyday ones. And I’m a dabbler, not an expert at anything. That isn’t thought well of either. I even felt rejected a little by a book club for not being literary enough. One of them kept interrogating me about what was I reading, had I read this and this and this. So in a way I think I’d like frivolous (but friendly) acquaintances to have coffee, see a movie, have a lighthearted chat if it means I can just have kind companionships without having to justify or explain myself all the time. Does this necessarily mean such light friendships will not be there for me in a time of need? I wonder. In older generations of women friends in my family I did not see them telling their whole life stories so much, but I did see them rally around mostly during sickness, death, and hard times.
I thought I was the only one. I often sit alone at home and imagine that others have so many friends, events, etc. I can do well in a group of people, but truly prefer one on one or very small groups of people. There is a a new book I plan to get from the library: Quiet by Susan Cain (about introverts). I long for someone to go shopping with, to travel with, or just for coffee. . I feel judged sometimes by other, but I really just want to connect with others without giving my whole life story or proving my work status or where I live. I am loyal and giving, but don’t like to be typecast in any way.
Friends have come and gone based on their family situation, work hours, etc. I need and want good friends not just a bunch of frivoulous (sp) acquaintances. Thanks for creating this blog.
I can’t believe how much I can relate to everyone. I thought I was so alone.Thank you all for sharing. Wish we could all meet up and hang out sometime. That would be great! I have had so many friendships come and go for reasons I’ve read about. Or friendships that blossomed because our children got along well and then they outgrow each other and the friendship dies. Or sometimes reasons I dont even know. I have been so hard on my self all my life about it. Of course that doesn’t help. I know I’m a good person and have so much to give. Sometimes I give it to the wrong people who don’t deserve it and I get hurt. I did unfortunately have a very unstable upbringing that didn’t help and in my teens I was very depressed and scared of my ensecure feelings and thought something was wrong but little did i know i was totally normal. I definately built up alot of walls and have trust issues. But I’m trying to overcome these hurdles and be positive. Like someone wrote before we have to be really positive and never give up. Believe that it will happen first and then it will. Power of prayer and love ourselves. We know we are worth it. We just didn’t get enough love when we were young or taught how to love ourselves. Lets heal the wounds from within and all the other things will come. I’m very grateful to everyone who expressed themselves about this issue. I feel so good knowing I’m not so different after all. Thanks!
This information has helped me a lot! I am in year 8 at school and find it difficult to fit in to a certain social group. I have to keep reminding myelf “just be yourself and you’ll make new friends”. Thanks so much, I will take this information on board xx
I am 47 years old and just relocated from another state – husband is in the military. I was always socially awkward in elementary and high school and did not really feel like I fit in until college. I have suffered from depression and anxiety off and on almost my whole life, which makes me tend to overanalyze friendships – especially as I get older. I had one friend just drop me out of the blue when my husband deployed, so I think I am scarred by that. I recently met some women who have their own clique and have hung out with them a few times, but lately have not heard from them. Of course, since I have low self-esteem, I assume I did or said something and they all hate me. I know logically at age 47 why should I care, but I still worry about fitting in, which I know is ridiculous because I still want “acceptance” at my age. I tend to be one of those people who say how I feel, and am too honest, so maybe that turns people off. I do have another close friend, luckily who is like me, but I feel like I am just not meant to be in a clique. I feel as though I am destined to be a loner as I get older; however, I am thankful that I have a wonderful loving husband who accepts me as I am…
THANK you so much for sharing, it means so much…I thought I was alone as well. You should know you are not alone and remember that your fiancé (and your guitar!) is your best friend and that matters too, find comfort in your relationship with him. I decided to elope to the Rockies 8 years ago and married in Lake Louise. We decided to forego the craziness of a traditional wedding and kept it simple, yet wonderful for us. I had one friend stand up for me (someone I went to university with) and so did my husband…and then our parents and siblings flew out and that was it. I am 36 now and a mother of 3 (ages 5, 3, and 13 months) we moved to rural Ottawa 4 years ago and I still do not feel close connections to anyone. Interestingly, I seem to not connect with anyone, it is strange. I do try to be very kind, courteous, generous to people, but I still have no real friends here. I was beginning to think I must have a problem; it is reassuring to know that I am not alone. I am definitely socially awkward and also unique, or perhaps a bit eccentric and a liberal thinker. Maybe I am too analytical for most, maybe I’m not trying hard enough, who knows. The funny thing is, my ideologies enable me to accept others and see the beauty in everyone, too bad it doesn’t go both ways. I am very busy in my own life so most days I don’t care, but other days it can be sad! And yes, I’ve tried the playgroups and parks and all that….It would just be nice to connect with some like minded people. This site is a reassuring start!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for responding to my story. I guess what I look for is trust in a friendship. It is like loyalty. I hold what my friends say as private and I expect my friends to recipricate with by keeping what I say private. I don’t gossip about my friends and so I expect my friends to be the same toward me. I don’t even gossip when the friendship has ended. But it seems that everything I say is exploited. I have read a book on boundaries which I think explains a lot. It is helping me to see the red flags and act quickly before I get hurt again. I have learned a lot from those last two friendships. My husband and I met a couple yesterday at our new church. We hit it off really well although the wife told me that her best friend just moved back to town and so there may not be much room for me as a friend. All I can do is wait and see.
Hey ladies. I’m 29, engaged and I have the same problems with making and keeping friends. I have to admit I am somewhat socially awkward, which makes meeting people pretty tough. I think it has a lot to do with my teenage years. I lived with undiagnosed depression and anxiety which led me to withdraw myself and ultimately stunted my social growth. I’m in the process of planning my wedding and became very sad at the fact that I really have no friends. I’m considering canceling the wedding an just elope to Vegas. I’m almost embarrassed of the lack of friends that will e at the wedding. I would consider myself nice, down to earth, loyal and I love to help people. I play guitar. So right now music is really my only friend. Lol. Omg that I really kinda sad. Anyway if you have any tips to meeting friends or want to contact me email me [email protected] I’m in Alberta Canada
I, too, feel very alone, and like you, thought it was only me. I am a 41 year old woman, no children, never married but have been with the same man for about 12 years now. We have lived in our town for over 8 years, and this is the second time living here for me.
I’m not from an abusive family but a nice, decent family , and yes, we travelled but never relocated. Our household was always social with dinner parties, visitors dropping in and multiple families (related and non-related) spending holidays and vacations together. I so miss this and always thought that that was “normal”.
I am only about 3 hours from my hometown but I may as well be in a different country. I miss having girlfriends. Some women whom I spent a lot of time with just dropped our friendships as soon as they had a man in their lives. But yet I feel as though I must have done something wrong because they avoided me and when I have approached them (even years later thinking maybe there was just something so big going on in their lives that I was put aside for later) I never even get the decency of having the most basic response. Just outright ignored – ouch!
I understand spending more time because of a new relationship but I have never ditched my friends just because of a man in my life. Why do so many women do this? Unless a man is badgered by his girlfriend/wife he always keeps room in his life to spend with his pals….
I have never had a huge social circle of friends and I just don’t understand why I really have noone now, at least that I feel close to. And yet people think I am an extrovert, express how funny they think I am and will chat with me in the grocery lineup … yet I can’t hold their interest enough to say, meetup for a coffee. I am always interested in them, try to remember things about them from the last time I met them (how was your vacation in….,etc.) yet I feel as though it is never reciprocated.
I am clean, presentable, not low-end and not high-end, — I think I am your average woman and as special as the next one! have a variety of interests and just want to have a friend or two to do things with. For instance for the past week and for a few more my spouse is away for work, it sure would be nice to have a friend over for a glass of wine or say go out shopping and for supper.
Wow! this is so much longer than I’d expected to write!
Baffled and sad . . .
Wow, I always thought I was alone in this. Where is any one who struggles like this? And here you all are. I relate to those who have been in abusive families. I think we missed out on the nurturing that helps build relationships. I originally thought that was what this article would be about, not moving. But moving makes a lot of sense too. It seems like if we don’t receive the nurturing and good family relationships here we sit struggling to make friends. I have struggled for so long. Its hard. And its hard watching every one relate from the outside and the world passing by as you watch. I totally understand. I pray we can figure this out and really do something about it. Pray, pray, pray. I’ve been learning lately that the most important thing we can do is pray…..and trust…and believe. And the best way to do that is to fill our heads and hearts with God’s Word and positive thoughts. And pray! It will work out. For me too. I know it will.
I love friendship when I have found it. I value friendships that I have had in the past. I feel fortunate to have found one best friend in high school that now, twenty years later, I rarely communicate with. I have seen mostly one sided friendships since then and I am admittedly timid when approaching new situations with potential friends. I have joined similiar interest groups, churches and work groups to no avail. I feel like I just don’t connect with anyone. I can’t remember how I made my close connections in the past. It seemed like they just happened. That is the mystery. Meanwhile, I am sad, lonely and broken. I try to portray a happy image but it is just that. I wonder what I have to offer potential friends sometimes; if they found out I was friendless, would they still be interested in me? I have so much to give; why does it have to be this difficult?
You said “Women tend to alienate others whom they chose don’t fit in”
I face this type of situation all the time. I move every two years because my husband is in the military. I have difficulty developing friendships because most women fail to give me a chance. I try to be outgoing but do not fit the criteria for the cliques. This I do not understand. I am a military spouse just like everyone else. I am a stay at home just like everyone else within my neighborhood and most women that I encounter. I worry about my husband when he is deployed just like everyone else. I do know that I have things in common with the other women such as hobbies. The only difference is my race.
I’m not sure if that’s why I am not accepted. I do know that it hurts to move from place to place and feel as if you cannot even count on the people you see daily. Women are very catty and for what reason?
Wish I lived in the same area because our situation in almost identical!
Same age, 3 kids, not with the father, nothing to do when they go away for the weekend, tried to join lots of groups / kids sports to meet other parents. Go to dinners , parties with my cousins and other women wont give me the time of day. My family don’t invite me out to their social scenes even though I have recently moved here and am the same age. It is boring hanging out with my family and ‘their’ friends while they all ignore me.
I had the same problem for the last 10 years in the last place I lived, had friends but only acquaintances, so embarrassing to have to hang out with your family and thier friends. Ive been here 1 year now and it is exactly the same. I have a friend here and for the life of me I ‘can not’ get her to hang out. I am the only one who ever contacts her or tries to make plans with her and so many times she has stood me up, and then tells me what she got up to with her friends in the weekend , whom she has never introduced me to. And its been like that with all the people ive met here so far, I have approached them, tried to make plans and they are sorry im busy and dont get back to me or they hum and ha and still dont get back to me.
Its all trivial and minor to them but really frustrating to me. It is Majorly important to me that I am a happy role model for my kids, they are so sensitive I know they can tell something is up already.
So Ive come to the conclusion that I am not going to try to get blood out of a stone, I am definitely not giving these people another call, I am going to give my time to someone who is as genuine and caring as me. Full Stop.
Do you want to be Pen Pals? : )
Start being a host? Ask a few people around for a poker night?
Ask some one around you to go for coffee?
It sounds like you tried to be friend with women who were not good friends. I really feel for you. I am a 35 year old mother and struggling to keep good friends in my life. Every friendship I try to keep up runs into a dead end. I wish I had some advice for you but it seems like you are doing the right things with the wrong people or at least that is the sense I get from your post.
What do you want out of a friendship at this point in your life?
I believe that if 2 women who want to be friends have the same values I think it can work out, like any relaitonship. I don’t go to church but I value honesty, caring, being good to one another and being there for one another. Hopefully you can find someone with your same heart and values where you live so that you can feel true reciprocal friendship. Best of luck.
I am 50 Years old and also came from a horrific childhood where I was valued as worthless and ulgy. What you said is also exactly how I feel. So I guess that I’m not alone in my feelings and I also don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I just turned 47. Seems like my life has been sort of a yo-yo in the area of friendships. I have gone through periods of having friends and being friendless and now I’m at my lowest point of having no friends in the state where I live. My friendship problem started when I changed grade schools in 5th grade. I was different than the rest of the kids. I wore a long school skirt in the 1970′s when mini skirts were all the rage. I was immediately considered a freak I guess! I had no friends until I started college. Then I had lots of friends. I was very popular. I especially had lots of guy friends. I made two very lasting friendships, but they don’t live in my state now and so we are just email buddies. Each time my husband and I move, we also attend a new church. In the last three churches, I found myself unable to make friendships. But the church gossip always found me and befriended me and betrayed me. I’m going through that now. I attended one church for 9 years. The first 6 years I naively made friends with the church gossip who has a really dark personality. She has a very jealous and possessive nature and told me that she did not want any of her friends to be friends with each other. She boasted about wanting to have an affair after only 9 months of marrriage. She boasted about her desire to have power and control over people. Our friendship didn’t last long. She then set out to destroy my reputation so that no one would have anything to do with me as she wanted to adopt children and she knew I knew too much about her. Our pastor suggested that we find a new church. That’s where I’m at now. I still see people from my old church and they always upbraid me for not going to church there anymore. Last summer I made friends with one woman whom I had never met from this church. We live near each other. We hit it off so well, but it didn’t last as she was friends with a woman who was friends with my x-friend. It have become obvious that she has listened to gossip. It’s sad! I don’t even know what the gossip is! I know that people like others who are upbeat. I have been upbeat much of my life, but after you are betrayed so many times, you start to have a sad look on your face I guess.
My gosh the picture on the blog says it all. That is me the little girl always wanting to be part of the group. I was and still am always having to prove to myself that can make friends. Women tend to alienate others whom they chose don’t fit in. We are our own worse enemies by teams, neighbors, children all of the above. I don’t know how many friendships lost because for me didn’t know how to develop at a young age. This senseless phenomenom goes crazier as I age. tell my little neice to love whom she is be part of the groups. No matter how hard it is someone smiles back. Works everytime…. because out of all the mean caddy remarks or looks or backstabbing one person can come out on top by just being nice.
Maybe party hearty is the only way they can get everyone to wear those big red hats. I’d have to have a few cocktails myself before I’d wear one of those things in public.
Wow, $50 is pretty rich for my blood. I think I’ll pass. By party hearty if you mean they have cocktails at lunch, I’d like that. But I ain’t wearing no big red hat. Ha, I like your idea of a cherry red cowboy hat. You’ve got the right attitude!
I am a 41 year old female with 3 children and a husband who do not have any friends. I have been trying so hard to be friendly to anyone i meet at work and at college, but I still did not friend anyone. I do not party or drink alcohol, so it becomes very hard to meet people who wants a friend who they call up tight and would not let go, but my dad used to drink and it was not a good sight. I sometimes feel like I am here in this world all alone. While I am in college I have join 4 clubs and I still do not have any friends.What should I do.
I understand because I am a 41 year old and i have move to Atlanta in 2008 and I still do not have any friends. I Have a job but my co workers party and I don’t, so I am always alone. I am married and my husband have friends, so I be home alone. I am in college I join clubs and it still does not work. I sometimes feel like I am useless in this world.
Send me an email address of yr msn or whatever U have.
Meanwhile, hang in there
will you be my friends?
PenPal World
lots of people, lots of current participants, people from all over the world
I’m 54, the eldest of eleven, and suffered the same type of abuse whenever I was a child. I was also expected to be an adult and care for my other siblings at the ripe age of five. That all said, I never had the luxury of being a kid and forming friendships, all of which has most certainly affected my life. Yet, despite my childhood I am a survivor and have done well for myself in my adult life; however, this doesn’t come without its flaws. I find social skills (one on one) very difficult, since this is a skill I never fully developed. This probably sounds very odd being that I come from a large family, yet that large family actually sowed it. My “true” world has always been internal thought/reasoning, and it has always been a double-edged sword. Being alone is what I love best and because of this, I have permitted very few to enter my inner circle. At the same token, being alone can be…well, lonely. Believe me; it is very hard to form friendships whenever you have all of this going on!
To feel like no one likes (or would like) you is a feeling I know all too well. I was always told that I was worthless and would never amount to much. This was a lie and I do know it; however, this lie has contributed to the lack of “one on one” social skills that I live with. It is almost like an invisible badge that marks me for all to see: “Here is a worthless person that will never amount to much. Run, you will not like her!” Yep, it does sounds a bit silly, huh. To compensate, I have found that socializing via the Internet to be a blessing! Since I am much more comfortable with my internal thought/reasoning (and writing down my thoughts), it makes perfect sense to use this strength to my advantage. I use Facebook, AARP, and other social networking venues to chat with folks and form friendships. In fact, I have been chatting with one gal I met on AARP for several years, now. We have since then left that site, yet continue to keep daily contact through our personal e-mail. We’ve never personally met, yet I feel if this ever does come about it would be wonderful (and I am sure I will be quite capable of socializing one on one just fine, since we have come to understand each other so very well).
So as you can see, friendships can be formed whenever you utilize your strengths and make it happen. Social networking, in my experience, was a great place to start. It might be a great place for you as well. Give it some thought, and then give it a shot!
you use email instead, so it’s cheap, easy, and quick. There are a whole bunch of sites for this on the web. Use a search engine and then look at a bunch and find one that strikes you as your sort of people. There are some international ones where you can pick a country and age group and sex, and ones for seniors, kids, Christians, people who want to practice a second language, all sorts of things. Some have very good reviews. You might want to skip the ones that ask if you want straight, gay, or bi. They seem more like dating sites. But a lot of the pen pal ones really are friendship pen pals. And you can answer one or a whole bunch, since it’s email it’s essentially free, and you can put yourself up too and see who answers you, maybe if it’s too hard to decide who you like best.
I started looking into RHS, but their meetings were luncheons and stuff that cost a fair amount of money, like $50 if I remember. Also, I’m not really the sort to party hearty, and they sounded a little extroverted for me. I think it is probably great for the sort of people who like to join organizations and get together and have luncheon etc. They have a lot of members and apparently a lot of people really like it. Don’t know about the red hat, but that’s a good question. The idea makes me flinch but I suppose I could find a red baseball cap or a cherry red felt cowboy hat somewhere.
Or should I ask where are they? Is it a site in particular?
That’s a great point you’ve told her, about how the odds are increased for success if you increase the number of people you meet. I forget this a lot myself. I’m glad for the reminder. As for Red Hat Society, do you or does anyone else here know about it? And pardon me for sounding silly, but do you really have to wear a red hat? That part, I could do without.
It’s under forums on the tab above here, then go to making new friends, and then to email exchange, or try the Red Hat Ladies, or do e-mail pen pals or even snail mail pen pals. Of course someone will like you. It’s just a matter of approaching enough people to find that special person who clicks with you, and that’s hard to do sometimes just in person, especially if you are not the average person. So throw a bunch of stuff out there and see what comes floating back. It also sounds like you could have a hard time trusting men due to previous abuse. Maybe you could focus on finding women friends. You probably want to stay away from the chat rooms, though. They are pretty funky and tend to be sexual in an unpleasant sort of way. The email thing has been discussed recently on the making friends at 60 part of this blog. Just keep in mind that of course some people like you. Best wishes
How about the email pen pal thing. Done sort of like speed dating. Answer a bunch and see if anyone clicks for you. Worked for me and I’m so surprised. It’s not just kids on there.
i am 57 yrs old and i havent had a close friend since freshman year in high school, i come from a large family of 9 children and i am the 3rd oldest, my dad would hit us and tell us we were ugly and worthless, when i was 15 i got into a relationship with a controling and violent boy, i wasnt allowed to have friends and wasted 18 yr with him,,we were married for 6 yrs and i had a son with him,,i am remarried now for 23 yr with 3 other children,,i am so lonely and sad and how i wish i had a real friend to talk with,,i just dont know how ppl make friends,,im so jealous of ppl who can just attract friends,,ive seen a therapist 3 times in my life to try to help but it hasnt,,i try to make friends but it seems like no one likes me,,i dont know what im doing wrong
i read through several of these posts, and am glad that i am not alone in friendlessness, but i am also saddened to see so many who are lonely and hurting too.
I have had a couple friends in my life but they didn’t last..i am now 47..i moved 15 years ago and have never fit in since..my relationships with other women was always difficult but now it seems impossible. I have tried all the suggestions of joining groups and volunteering, etc.. but still nothing..i think i gave up..
The thing is I am married and have a beautiful family but am very lonely inside. Everyone says you have so many friends… no I don’t! My heart aches all the time and always feel like I have to prove myself. How old are you?
A woman who is not positively teeming with self-confidence will want to tote her man around so she can remind people, particularly herself, that she has one and so that she knows where her man is while she’s out. Women become potential rivals without the distraction of stimulating conversation. If they’re not deeply engaged in surveying the same subject together (promoting alliance), they begin to survey each other instead (promoting rivalry). Men are not as hardwired to make social engineering a priority and generally don’t keep their eyes open for subsequent red flags after alliance has been established. I suggest you locate a highly confident woman, feel her out for common dislikes, and fixate on whatever dislikes you happen to have in common. My advice is not elegant, but I believe it to be passable in effectiveness.
Did you ever find yourself figuratively wondering around searching for attention, for people to want you around for men to desire you? I always feel like I’m going to break out of this depression… But it never seems to happen
I just read your blog. I’m searching online why I can’t make friends either. I have two babies and a husband. I got off active duty and he stayed in. I used to make friends easily when I was in, but now that I’m a stay at home officer wife – I’ve met nobody that I have anything in common with. I’ve asked people to hang out and they act like they want to, and then never call – then I see them – meaning her – at the commissary and she’ll be like hi – Im in a hurry – as if i wanted to talk to her in the first place. She said she’d hang out and never did adn I had thought we clicked intially. Looking at it – I’m glad we didn’t click after all because she has 4 kids and yells at them in public all day long and I dont need more stress – I want to destress. I dont’ know how to even ask someone to hang out – it just always comes out akward – and noone asks me to hang out. I’ve been going to a mother’s group for the kids and I have lots of acquaintances and been going for 8 months – haven’t made one real friend. My husband says the same thing your ex-husband says, but I feel the same way that you do – I’m humble – if not have a low self esteem because I cant figure out why no one wants to friend me. I also had a lot of friends when I was on active duty but I was sexually harassed my my CDR and all my supposed friends dropped like flies once they were questioned during the investigation. I had a really great friend who has 4 kids, but she left for afghanistan 6 months into my husbands deployment and i think because I didn’t have to deploy and she did since I was pregnant and then got out once my time was up – I think that she holds it against me – people in the military had held it against me that I wanted to have my family in my later 20s which meant I didnt’ deploy. I had a scarlet letter being pregnant in uniform – but I went to high school, I went to college, I got marrie dand I haave a right to have my children – not to be harassed while I’m pregnant. Anyways I’m rambling – if you ever want to chat let me know – though I don’t live in CA. I appreciate your honest blog.
As a child my mother moved me and my 2 older sisters around a lot. They unlike me got the courage to move in with our father and away from the instability. I know the feeling of not making friends easily and feeling disconnected while others have close ones around them. Even with having a family I have no connection with them and often feel the stabs of deep depression until I have to put on a smile for those around me.
-Someone who understands
I am a 20 year old women, turning 21 in April. I just moved to college have have no friends, this isn’t what worries me. What does is the fact that I have little or no contact with my friends that I’ve had 5th grade and on. I attended 2 high schools where I had a collective 3 good friends now I don’t talk to them… They have moved on and have their own lives now. I dont drink or party, some have started families, and some just dont text anymore. Sometimes I feel as if cutting ties and letting go is easier than the hurt of being forgotten by them.. Or missing them. No one texts me, no one posts on my fb… If I died my job would know first because I’m not in for work. I have a boyfriend he’s good company but if we spend too much time together we fight and he has a roommate that he’s really good friends with, now I feel like the third wheel. Most times I’m ok being alone, I enjoy the time… But sometimes i feel like I fall into a deep depression… Cuz I have no friends.
I am a single 26 year old woman. I own a successful business, so most of the week I am socializing with my clients and don’t notice how much I lack real friends. Technically I have them-most of my clients I consider friends, and my facebook says I have over 1000 of them, but none that I can rely on to go out with on a Saturday night. The problem is most of the women my age are in significant relationships, engaged or married. If I go out with them, I am always the third wheel. I hate that. They also plan their social lives around their boyfriends/husbands, so that’s annoying. I’m sure a big reason for why they don’t go out with me much is because their bf/husbands don’t their wives going out with a single attractive girl. It would be easy to say, “well, just go out and make friends with single girls so you stop having this problem.” Well, I would if I could, but it seems everyone I talk to is in a relationship. It doesn’t matter to me whether a friend is single or not; what matters is their willingness and desire to hang out with me without somehow including their s.o. I’m not in a place where I want a relationship of my own, and I definitely don’t want to start a relationship out of loneliness. I just want to make some friends to go out with on a Saturday! I’m so tired of third wheeling.
I came across this website also wondering why I lack intimate friends and why I can’t seem to hold friends long term. I am 30 years old and still have a difficult time identifying who are my friends. I am single and wondering why I never let any guy in close enough to be a special friend to me. I guess I just never got on the same time table of love as I had several occasions of liking someone but they either didn’t like me back or they didn’t have the guts to ask me out on a date. Perhaps I played “hard to get” because I was too afraid of getting hurt. Either that or I got bored easily with relationships. As for girlfriends, I realized this has been difficult to keep and maintain as well. I didn’t move around that much throughout my life, but I was pretty introverted as a kid. I know my sister tells me that I hardly ever talked to strangers whether at church or on the various trips our family would go on with family friends. Still to this day I wonder if something had happened to me when I was an infant that caused me to not feel comfortable talking. In my life I have sought after friends and sometimes things would just click with me and others. I’ve cherished those friendships a lot, where I didn’t have to do anything and we just connected on a level. But it is hard to keep friends for me. Lately, I have gotten pretty depressed because of my lack of close friends. And I have a difficult time initiating and calling up old friends and catching up. I know I have a side of me that is an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies and passion for life, but I also have a darker side that can be incredibly judgmental, high maintenance, and negative. Right now I’m working on being less negative and putting myself out there to make friends and be social and do fun things. But it’s hard. Anyway, if there is anyone in the LA area who can relate and wouldn’t mind hanging out and doing things together, I would really like that.
I felt like I was reading a parallel universe of myself. I’m 34 and I don’t have kids and never have been married but I have such a hard time making close knit friends, and keeping them. I can see I am a bit judgmental, because it can be easier to be a mean, sometimes, than get hurt, like I have always been used to. I also am really hyper so I get so excited meeting new people and want to please and then I get so hurt when they drop me for the friends or people I introduce them to. I keep friends for a year at the max and then usually they taper off. I want the TV show friend scenario but I am the one who is always reaching out via email or phone to keep friend connections.
I have lived a great life, despite, but the lack of long term relationships and a tight knit group of friends makes me sad sometimes.
I wish I could see what I am doing 100% and just stop doing it. It makes me feel sad sometimes.
I live in San Francisco so we are kinda close LOL. You can tell me if I talk to much or am mean or am to needy.
I was just thinking about this, how all of my life my friendships have been transient. They may last several years, but none of my friendships have endured. Occasionally it is because thing turn ugly, but mostly it is because I move somewhere far away or because the other person and I outgrow each other and drift apart. Since I was 4 years old it seems like I have moved every few years, moving countries twice , and with every move firendships have always fallen away. I have been in the one place now for e longest I have ever been in one place – 11 years . I made a lot of friends through my local mother’s group but it seems as the years have gone on and our kids have gotten older that once again, folks are changing and drifting away. I am sort of sad, but resigned. It is the story of my life. For that reason I am very opposed to moving my children, though. They were born here and I want them to live here until they are old enough to leave the nest. I want them to have a stronger connection to their home and community than I ever had.
Hi, I’m a 32 yr old single mother of 3 young children. I found this website after doing a google search on why it is I can’t find friends. It’s bittersweet to know I’m not the only person out here without friends or the ability to connect with anyone more than just an acquaintance.
A bit about me is that I grew up in a very violent household that was the cause of an alcoholic. I am the youngest of 6 children and the closest to my age is 6 years older, so by the time I reached my teen years I was more of an only child and very alone. My family never moved, although I always wished they did so we could have a fresh start from all the ridicule and stigma that loomed over my dysfunctional family. My mother was against my fathers drinking outbursts that usually involved the local police dept being brought out several nights a week. I sure as heck got picked on at the bus stop each morning after. It was humiliating to say the least. That humiliation reached school and I would delve into a deep blanket of protection. I closed off the entire world around me. And listened to my mother say on a daily basis, that people are jerks and only use you to get what they want. She wasn’t exactly the model parent, but maybe just speaks the truth.
I should throw in here that I was an amazing athlete and very artistic which was the only two places I would find comforting in the school environment. But besides those two activities, I always felt like I was hiding. Nobody really knew me by my name. Although I wasn’t a shy person so much, I just wouldn’t put myself out there as a bubbly happy person. The few ppl I associated with say i was somewhat of a class clown. I can always get ppl to laugh. But I truly just enjoyed my alone time and afraid that letting ppl in would only end in hurt as it did so many times before. I had a few friends in my high school years but never actually got accepted into the tight knit group they all belonged in. (And I can see on FB that they are all still very close). All their moms were friends and my mother didn’t fit in with them.
Throughout HS I never had a boyfriend, a best friend or really anyone to confide in. I decided that it probably wouldn’t get much better after graduation and I had to get out of there for my own sake, I enlisted into the Air Force.
Three day’s after graduation I left and spent 6yrs active duty and 4 yrs Air National Guard; still serving today. I won’t go into great detail with my friendships in the active duty military, but I will say that while I was single I had a good group of hangout friends. It’s the way it is in the military, your all in the same “group” it’s like a large group of brothers and sisters. But I sure did notice that once I got married, my husband and I didn’t have many friends left at all. Especially none that were married.
Nine yrs has gone by and lots of changes took place. I had three beautiful babies, got out of active duty military, divorced and lost my civilian job a year ago.
Maybe we can be friends. Maybe you can tell me I talk to much, but it’s ok cuz thats what friends are for. Right?…I’m not too sure.
I guess it leaves me to now. My present day life. The stress of raising three babies pretty much on my own, the stress of finding a job that pays enough for childcare and the lack of friends and family. A huge part of my failed marriage was that we both didn’t have many friends, he had a few single friends and I had one, who ultimately dropped me like a hot potato once she met her husband. I did everything for that friend and it went from chatting one day, too absolutely nothing. The exact reason that I don’t like to open myself up to friendships. Time and time again from a young age until now, I give my all in a friendship and it ends in misery. I feel like I’m a stepping stone for some. Recently I became friendly with a new girl into our military unit, she was from out of state and didn’t know anyone. I introduced her to a few of my acquaintances and wouldn’t you know it, they are apparently “bff’s” (thats what they call it on her FB). It’s insane. I literally cry when I think, what is wrong with me? I see myself as this super fun, nice, funny, caring person but I seriously can’t make a friend, a true friend at all. I work hard at being a mom and getting my children into sports, sorta hoping to meet the other moms, but again nothing happens. I even volunteered to coach youth soccer (my passion) and I just couldn’t seem to connect with them on a friendship level. I can’t seem to fit in with anybody is how i feel.
This may sound terrible, but I just have to say it. I don’t see myself this way at all. But I am told that I am beautiful, stunning is what I hear. Big deal right…not at all. My ex say’s that women don’t want to be friends with me because I’m beautiful. I do know women can get jealous, but I just can’t understand any of this. I am the most humble down to earth person. I sure as heck don’t flaunt around saying look at me. So I’m having a hard time believing my looks is getting in the way of having friends. My look can be a little intimidating just because I have tattood arms, but that doesn’t seem to be a valid reason why i can’t make friends.
I guess all that I have wrote is just me trying to make sense of it all. It’s gotten too the point where I’m questioning if my lack of friends is affecting my children? It sure affected my marriage to the point of divorce. When my children spend the wknd at their dads house, I honestly don’t have anyone to hang out with, just a whole lot of time to be depressed about being so alone. I’m finally able to accept that I’m actually an extrovert trapped in an introverts body. Once i get into a social situation, It’s easy for me to chat it up. It’s just the hard part of not having any social situations on my calendar.
I often think that there must be others in my area feeling the same way. So if your within the sacramento ca area…reply to me
-32 and still alone.
I’m sorry you are going through this and hope at some point you figure out you need to live your life for yourself and your children. I went through something like this after I had my children and I was trying so hard to fit in with other parents. I got married and lived where I didn’t know anyone and for a very long time I tried to fit in….I found out the only one that was going to change was ME. I had to get off that couch and start cleaning my house and I didn’t think about it….I just said to myself “Just do it” Once I was busy getting the house cleaned and errands ran and then before you knew it, it was time for the kids to be home from school and afterschool activities and then dinner time. I’m no expert so I don’t know for sure what you are dealing with but maybe therapy with a counselor might help. That is where I would start…..Also if your husband drinks and it is causing trouble in the home, you might try alanon or a program that deals with alcohol issues…..Please don’t take yourself down the same destructive road your husbands on….It won’t get better as long as the drinking is goes on. If you cannot do it for yourself then do it for your children as they will be affected by yours and your husbands behavior….they are only children once. I understand being a doormat but you are worth more than that….Start saying no to others and YES to yourself……If you are able to maybe go back to school or do something that makes you excited, that could be reading, exercise class, something that is just for you….maybe just walking in your neighborhood after the kids go to school…..Just get out of the house and keep busy….One step at a time…One day at a time!!:)
I had never thought that moving lots as a child could have been a reason as to why I have never felt settled in my life. My parents split when I was 9 years old – I stayed with my father – still not sure as to why – and then my mother died when I was 11 years old. At school I had 1 best friend til then – at senior school she was in a different class and found new friends. I didn’t really find any – and the one that I did kinda hang with led to me not going to school at all. I left school with no qualifications but still got jobs by lying – saying I did have qualifications. I had no female friends but lots of male friends. Eventually I did make a friend for a while at work but when I got married she stopped our friendship – I never did find out why. My husband had lots of ‘friends’ but they all disappeared even though we all had kids at the same time – the wives used to meet up but not invite me. When my daughter went to school I went to a few coffee mornings with mums but they too would meet up without me. The only time they would be friendly with me was when they wanted me to look after their kids. One ‘friend’ even got me to take her kid to and from school for a whole year without even saying thanks. I think that I am a doormat. I even changed my daughters school to make myself feel better as it hurt to know that they did not like me. I have another daughter now and once again, as soon as I had finished helping out with stuff at school or other kids, nobody speaks to me apart from a couple. I have taken to arriving late so that I don’t have to be seen standing alone. I do not work now and for the last few months I just stay in all day and cry – not doing the housework. Occasionally I try to kick myself into doing things – but this is the lowest I have ever been. I feel bad for my children as I don’t do things with them and feel as though I have let them down. I know I should’t take things personally sometimes but I do – I joined a group from church but every time I go they all talk about the fun they have had together and I feel totally left out – in conversation and the fact I wasn’t asked to go anyway. My husband has cheated on me twice so there is no trust between us – he also drinks a lot and has anger issues. That’s another thing I regret – my kids not seeing their parents in a loving relationship. I started to drink myself for a while – but had stopped. Now I just feel like starting again but want my kids to not have that kind of mum. I feel so sad all the time. I have stopped sleeping and just stay on the sofa all night – drifting off occasionally. Even when I have joined badminton groups to try and meet new people I have left again as no-one seems to even want to start a conversation with me – maybe my face puts people off – what can I do if that is the case.
I heard somewhere that the reason we are disappointed is because we were expecting something. I get hurt often because i expect people to not hurt me. I expect people to treat me the way i treat them. I expect them to value the friendship the way I do, but often I find they don’t. It hurts. So what do we do? Do we lower our expectations or do we accept our diffrences and learn to love others even if they don’t deserve it while creating boundaries that protect us? Does the having to create boundaries part hurt in itself? Or do we kick the dust off our feet, forgive and let go as we make room for someone that doesn’t require us to change ourselves or walk on eggshells, someone who is just comfortable to be around and that does meet our expectations.
Wow! Your story and feelings sound so much like my own. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I can count 18 times that I moved before I turned 18. In the past 7 years, I have moved 8 times and across country (east coast, to west coast and back again). I am trying to lay down roots and connect with women in my new area, but am finding it difficult to keep putting myself out there. It does seem like the women I gravitate towards are either much older than me (my mother’s age) or the relationship is one-sided. I have a very supportive and loving husband and two wonderful 2 yr olds. I am sick of moving and really don’t want to put my girls through what I went through growing up. I am vowing to stay put for their sake & try to as my husband says, not force things. Let things be what they are. Best of luck to you. You sounds like a great person. Anyone should consider themselves lucky to call you a friend
PS, I know it’s hard, but try not to let FB bother you. It can be a great tool, but it feels very superficial to me.
If you animals outlive you, you need to make a will leaving some money to them. Better yet; all your money to their care. Don’t adopt any more animals since you don’t know about tomorrow, but make sure they can be taken care of.
Have you considered fostering a child? You would have someone to spend time with and the child would have someone loving caring for them.
About chronic fatigue…..try eating more iron.
Hello There. I posted the list below you and are alot older. I’m guessing that it’s harder for you because you are used to stepping back and letting your mom be the center of attention. It’s not a bad thing. You just need to learn how to be comfortable with being the center of attention. What I’ve noticed with my kids when they are in a group of friends, no one really sits back waiting for you to participate. You have to just do it. Get in there and interact. Don’t be shy about it. Your at a perfect age, because it’s much easier to be bold and confident when your 17 than if you had spent decades being shy. Don’t try too hard with people though because it makes them why you are trying hard. They misread your nervousness for something else. When you go off to college, it will be different. If boys had never given you attention, they all of sudden will. Girls will be making new cliques and new friends. It’s your opportunity to make new friendships. How many times do you hear about people talk about friends they’ve had since college? Between now and college, use this as your practice time to get used to being part of the group. Even if you are not enjoying it at first, keep on trying. I’m guessing that at school because you don’t feel part of the group, that maybe you just keep to yourself at lunch etc. Try to join in with the group. If it’s not the frisbee group, then maybe join another team or club. Get comfortable with being with others. The more you are apart the more comfortable you get with the situation even though you are lonely. That way when you get to college, you don’t shut people down when you get uncomfortable. Invite aquaintances over for dinner. Get away from the internet. Spending time on the internet making friends is taking away time that you could be interacting socially face to face. Your not doing anything wrong, but if you don’t want to be on the same path forever, this is a really good time for your to take another road. Good Luck. I’m excited for you because I know you have so many opportunities. I am also going to try to follow my own advice. Hows that?
Hey there. I’m a sixteen, soon to be seventeen year old girl (march 15th is my seventeenth) and I can relate to the article here. I do have some friends, but it’s more the part where you reach out to build a friendship is what I’m really scared of. My mother is a social butterfly– goes out every weekend with her friends. Me? I haven’t had a night out since maybe middle school. The few friends I have now I met over the Internet and live across the country. The one real friend I have here is away at school studying to be a professional ballerina. Communication is rare because she is always training. Reaching out is hard because I have been brutally shut down in the past with every attempt I have made to be friends with someone. I play on an ultimate frisbee team and even my teammates don’t seem to want to reach out and be friends. I’m scared that when I go off to college next fall I’m going to be alone on such a big campus with no one to talk to. I really hope things change.
Relating back to the article, I have moved once. I moved from Connecticut where i was born to where I live now. Same house, only my dad moved out after my parents divorce in 2004. Same school, same kids. I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m a really nice person. I’m not mean, and I could never gossip about somebody, because I know how awful it is from personal experience. I just need to know what I could be doing better.
As a kid we didn’t spend more than 1-1/2 years at a house. I’ve always had trouble developing friendships. When I do, it always seems to be a one way street. Me always there for them. Them never there for me. So I continue the friendship until it bothers me too much that I confront them. And then they hate me and I have no friends. I’m in my forties. I’ve repeated this cycle for years. I have a wonderful husband. With women I have the trouble with relationships. I have a hard time getting in the middle of cattiness. At work if I’m with a group of women that start gossiping about another co-worker I feel uncomfortable. If I don’t gossip with them, then they end up gossiping about me. I try to tell myself that I’d rather not be a friend with that type of person. But let’s face it, they all seem to be like that. It’s very lonely on my side. With FB and such it only gets worse. I have people sending me invites and then never talk to me. Why send the invite? FB makes me feel bad because I see everyone chatting it up and it makes me feel left out. Last summer someone I was becoming friends with started ignoring me. Just quit returning my calls. Just quit talking to me. When I asked her about it on FB, she deleted me. I stopped by her house to at least find out what gives. She freaked out on me crying that she is so stressed about her personal problems. She was yelling and saying she was ready to end it all right now. Yet at the time that I came to her house she was posting about all the fun times she was having and how great her life was. I felt really sorry for her. Just remember that on FB people are sometimes covering up when their life is really a mess. Reading some of the above comments I recognize qualities that some of the posts could be written by some of my co-workers, church aquaintances etc. So now I’m thinking that those who I think have it all together really don’t and that we are all equally screwed up in a really mixed up world. I am going to make a conscious effort to go to these people to invite them to do things, etc. I found this website because I was feeling lonely, but I’m realizing I need to change my attitude. The interesting thing about this article is about the moving. The ones on FB that are all chatty have been friends for years, some decades. For me, for financial reasons we are always moving around. Luckily my child has been able to stay in the same school for the last 6 years, but before that we move so far away that we had to start friendships over and over again. It takes time to start roots with friends. Lately, they have been moving away. Others have their cliques and aren’t so open to letting in newbies. I just want a friend to go shopping with, talk about tv or movies, compare notes about parenting just hang out. I don’t get why others don’t want to let me in? I guess they are so comfortable that they don’t have time and don’t need to change and let another in?
OMG!!! You must have felt so hurt and betrayed by your so-called-friend, that’s just horrible… I know what you mean about not trusting anyone, after an incident like that; it’s hard to trust again. But please don’t let that ruin it for your future possible friends, not everybody is like that (I hope not, lol) And it’s so hard for a good friend to come by, that I would hate for you to miss out on a nice friendship (like me, lol) because of trust issues. However remember, it wasn’t all her fault “It takes two to Tango!!!
I also have a friend (my only friend) that comes to my house, For the only reason that I cook for her and her kids on the weekends, I know she only uses me for that reason, but at least I have someone to talk to besides my teen son and my husband. And I don’t trust her at all with my husband; she is always flirting with him and treats him way better than she treats me!!!
But my husband is no dummy; he is not going to ruin an 18yrs marriage for a woman like that, maybe for another woman yes, but not for her LOL….
Take care, and hope to hear from you very soon!!!! Nury
I’m 21, and I have friends, but the few I have live out of state & I’m not really close with any of them anymore. I had a “best friend” from first grade and she ended up stabbing me in the back a few years ago. We’re still friends, but I could never be close to her like I was before. I pretty much live in SC now, I was born and raised in GA, so the few friends I have live there, and one in FLA from when I lived there. I have ONE friend here, and it’s the guy I work with. I have a seriously hard time opening up to people and really letting them in. It’s really hard and I WISH* I had one of those “best friends” like you see on TV and in movies, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me right now. My husband is the only “Best Friend” I have. It would be REALLY nice to have a female friend… because God knows I love my husband, but it would still be nice to have a girl to be able to talk to. idk… hopefully it will work out… for both of us!
)
Hey Girl! Hang in there it will get better. Have you tried meetup.com in your area? I live in a small town in the Shenandoah Valley and have always struggled to make friends in this town, its tough. I also think times have changed so much, I used to be able to make friends so easily, I am 46 now and people my age don’t want to do anything they are content staying home, it’s a real challenge. I feel for you because I too would love to have a girlfriend to be able to talk to, we all need and deserve a good girlfriend and I have a feeling someone good will come your way…
ı feel exactly how you feel butı am older than you and my friend if make any are younger women my age group dont want to no but its sad and seems like the people that are bad have lots of mates but the same ın relatianships women that treat ther men bad seem to be ın there relatianshıps longer ı thınk that we are to soft thats why and to nice and perhaps these people dont feel like they can relaxe in are company becouse we are to nice so we are meeting the wrong people good luck luvy
i am alone and sounds like i have wrote your letter ı am the same nice person clean i had best friend we went shopping out for drink coffee morning shared everthing together but then she slept with my man well that was the end of that friendship ı can never trust anyone but at the age of 50yrs now ı see lots groups of women but they seem to not want to no there own little groups unless you do what they do call your so called best mates or drink alchol every day gossip then they dont want to no ı have give up now trying to make friends but even if i did i would not trust with my man ifi had one lol but ı agree with everything you say nury good luck take care
I don’t live in Maryland but I would love to at least have a friend to talk with. I don,t do facebook but would like just to email and talk. I feel that friendships are so hard to get going and keep so I would like anything kind of friendship at this point.
I am 49 and I have had some friendships over the years. I don’t know exactly what my problem is but I have no one to confide in, have lunch with, and just hang out with. My husband is wonderful, my kids are great just normal. I work and get along with a lot of people but I just never seem to be able to take that next step and like many I read I don’t want it to be awkward at work if a friendship doesn’t work. My Mom was manic depressive most of my life so when I was young I couldn’t bring friends home. I had the same disease in my early twenties but overcame it. I don’t blame my Mom and I take responsibility for some of the failed friendships but I did what I did out of insecurities and it was never mean just asking someone why they hurt me. I wish I knew what to do because I am very sad when I see or hear about friends. I know I can be a good and nice friend but no one seems interested. I am grateful to see I am not alone in my predicament.
i came here by chance and reading all the stories i felt the old stirring of my emotions, well i am 31yrs and backstabbeor , cheated , hurted,abused and what not i also feel ths loneliness as i too dnt have true friend whom i can talk spent time or love , and no bff it all went down the drains but with every incident i felt emotional power to survive live and love myself more to help and help someone in return and i turned my thoughts inside rather than depending on other i know it cnt happen all the time i too fell the emptiness.so, guys or girls who really r interested in true love caring friendship plz mail my id [email protected] rest plz ignore and dnt mail me
I know this is an old email – but I’m in your age bracket and was curious where you live – I’m remarried- but moved 4 years ago to Maryland – and everyone moved to a newly built neighborhood -started raising their kids (houses are about 15 years old) and they don’t really let other new comers in I’m also one of the few women that work in my neighborhood, crazy!
I am 32 yrs old. I have been married twice. The first i was far too young to take on the responsibilty of being in a committed relationship and the second was an abuser. I have never really had a lot of friends even in school and still to this day. I didnt move but just once when i was 4. The only reason i can think that i steer clear of friendships with women is because of my mom. She smothered me, never let me have an opinion of my own and punished me in horrible ways for misdeeds in her eyes…. example at 15 she asked if i wanted birth control i finally said yes and she told me no way!! at 16 i became pregnant and she told me to get and abortion and threw my child’s father in jail. 11 months later she tricked me into signing over gaurdianship of my son stating it would be the only way insurance would cover. I have had to cut her out of my life because she is constantly cruel to me. I find that sometimes i feel like a failure to my children because only the youngest lives with me. Every female friend i make is never close and when i do let them close this is what happens… My bff my 100% person i could go to with anything after 7 yrs of friendship she decided to “dump” me. she also was in an abusive relationship,one that i had advised her from the beginning not to get involved in. Her husband demanded she get rid of me but i stood fast for 2 yrs waiting for her. I told her the steps to take to get away from him becuase i had been there. I gave her all the tools i had to offer and when it came time i took her and her son into my home even though it was a huge strain on us. I bought her new clothes and supported her for 3 months, i tried to show her how to be a good parent to her son and i tried to show them love and compassion. Now im left with a broken heart after her telling me she is moving on to bigger and better things. What more could i have done to be a better friend? Now i wonder if i will ever find someone like her again or if i even want to! im very caring and loyal and would do whatever i could to help out my closest friends but it seems i dont have any any more. I feel so lonely and like a loser because my boyfriend has many friends that he can go and have fun with but im stuck at home wondering why i dont have any friends that want to hang out with me. I just dont understand how you can be a good person and not have friends.
Your post could have been written by me. I’m a 50 year old single woman, childless without any family to provide support. I am completely alone in life and often wondered how I got here. I consider myself a very loving person, I care about people, I volunteer my time and I’ve always been considered a pleasant and affable co-worker. Yet, I could die tomorrow and I doubt anyone would notice I’m gone.
Most of my life I’ve been okay with the “aloneness” but now it’s creeping into terrible “loneliness.” I have superficial acquaintances who come in and out of my life, church friends, some business associates, yet if I don’t make an effort to keep in touch either via email, or suggest a lunch, nothing will ever materialize. I get exhausted trying to find or maintain friends.
It’s very hard going it alone. I feel if I had to go to the hospital or had a serious emergency, I would simply fall through the cracks, no one really cares. At this stage in life, I think people in my age bracket tends to cling to their spouses and/or their children. Most don’t go out of their way to include outsiders.
Otherwise, I’m relatively happy with myself. I’m healthy, I’m interested in many things and I’m not afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I’m just tired of trying to make friends with people who do not really care to respond, so I’ve given up.
First let me start off by saying CONGRATULATION with your new baby!!!! I was sitting here reading your post, and I feel like it was me that wrote it…with the difference that I’m 20 years older than you!!!! And of course, not pregnant lol….
But we do have at least on thing in common, I have never had a close friend, the last person I’ve called my bff was in elementary. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me? I am an extremely nice person (which my sister believes that’s the trouble), I’m nice looking, clean, and I’m very funny, and a great mother and wife!!! Sounds like a great person to hang around with, right? But NOPE that’s not happening to me.
For example, I know this lady, that’s the most envious person I know, talks horrible about all her friends, doesn’t care about anybody, and yet has tons of friends. It seems to me that most people like to be treated like crap!!!! Go figure…
Nevertheless, I also think like you, God is just waiting to find the perfect friend for me, but darn I’ve been waiting all my life…lol…I would love to meet you someday, and watch Lifetime or shop, coincidentally those are my two favorite things to do.
Take care Jasmine, and many blessing with your new lil bundle of joy.
Nury
I moved twice when I was 10 and 12. The second time was to another state. I had a tough time making new friends each time. I barely squeaked by through high school with some “friends” but nobody that I felt super close with or ever called a best friend. 20 years later, I get on facebook around the time of my high school reunion and find that all the old cliques are still there. I feel left out and wonder if I missed out on something. Now I’m a new mom and so far haven’t met any other mom friends that I could connect with. I’ve even been blown off by a few. I wonder is it me or them? But at this point in my life, I don’t care about me, I worry about my daughter having the same difficulties. Do we really need friends? Or is it a nice-to-have thing? How can I give her the strength to handle rejection?
I know it sounds weird but im 20 years old and have not even one friend….i had a friend since I was 8 but she has always been very jealous of me and I feel as if I cant trust her. All I want is some one to shop with watch lifetime with laugh with you know. My husband works alot and im 7 months pregnant I just want to have a friend…a loyal and honest friend because here in s.fla its hard to trust people.. I have been stabbed in the back so many times im scared to even be open to anyone..i hope one day to find a good friend one that maybe even has a child to so we can have outings for our children together.. Only god knows whats best for me so maybe its just not the time for me to have any friends..idk
My husband got promoted and moved to non English speaking country with me and my son. I tried to learn the country language but it was not easy to learn. I decided to give up up learning so i became more dependent on my husband who can really speak the language. He really looking after me and my son. He really supports me. I can’t complain anything. .I have no close friends but got some acquantances who sometimes can grab coffee or go shopping. However, i am still missing my childhood friends and my old colleagues. I am missing my normal life with my friends. Because I grew up with friends and family around me. Maybe, I am just praying and hoping my family luck will change and go back to my country. At this time, I don’t know what life would brings me and my family.
Hi,
It would be a-ok if you had not been able to look past it and decided not to continue to get together with the person too. Sounds like she felt a little bad about her response, like maybe if she was ever asked again she would say yes, so maybe that should be considered in her favor. Though if that’s the case it would have been nice if she had said something to the effect of why she initially responded half heartedly when you asked her for the favor and apologized or something. Anyway, hope you make some close friends too
Thank you for your support. I don’t feel a-okk very often, so it has helped to read this blog and hear the experiences of others and to hear you say that. have to say it FEELS better to accept that I can’t count on her for some things rather than be angry at her about it. There are enough people in my life who make me angry (work people, we all know what that’s like!), I don’t want to add to that. But like an elephant I know I will never forget her response to my request for help, One tidbit I forgot to add is that after I told her “never mind” after her cold response to my request for help, I ran into her at a local store and she looked very eager and happy to see me, and a little sheepish. I thought she might have realized her question of “What would I have to do?” was off putting. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to write me here. I appreciate it.
I agree with the other poster. You have assessed the situation realistically. Along as you know you can’t count on this person, you can still enjoy her company once in a while. It would be nice if you could also find a friend whom you could count on in a pinch and vice versa.
Best, Irene
I have a similar situation. Parents divorced, mom gave me away when I was 10. I have a great husband and I hang out with my daughter too, but it would be great to have a bf.
I have many aquaintainces, but it never turns into anything more. I sometimes make friends with much younger women. Women my age do not like me.
I have a few friends that are much older than I, but it is hard to do things with them like shopping, coffee, walks, etc. I guess I do have several friends, but they have other friends that they are bffs with. I am more like an aquaintance. My family dislikes my parents, so I think they in turn hold that against me, but thats crazy but seems to be true.
Sounds to me like you are able to let go of your friend, s odd lack of willingness to do you a favor. Even the way you think about and assess the big picture is mature and insightful. I’d say you’re a-okk!
I too don’t have friends whom I can talk to. I lost my dad when I was very young. I have grown up with a lot of insecurity. I am married but I still feel I need a friend with whom I can share all my worries. I need a friend whom I can just talk freely my problems and the nice things. My husband is very practical. I feel very lonely.
If anybody hurts me and I try to share it with him , he does not like it.
I read your blog above and I can be your friend. You can find a good friend in me. I can exactly understand how you feel because I am also kind of in your boat.
You are right. I am very inclined toward introversion. I am very comfortable being alone and rarely bored. But I’ve done it so long that I can’t tell how much of it is innate and how much is habit. Unfortunately I have been aware of this for almost all my life, so obviously the self knowledge has not spurred me to REALLY change. Except sporadic changes. Two steps forward into the social world, then retreating like a turtle. This time I am hoping that lowered expectations will enable me to socialize with people for some things and be satisfied with that. I have been casual friends with a former coworker for 15 years, yet all it boils down to is dinner and superficial banter. That’s been fine. But when I asked her about a year ago if I she would accompany me to a doctor’s office and just help me get home after the procedure (they told me I shouldn’t leave the offce alone as I might be too groggy), she balked. Not because she was busy and not available. She just balked. "What exactly would I have to do for you?" she asked. I was so put off, I quickly said oh never mind, I’ll find someone else. And then for months I was so put off by her COLDNESS, I had no desire to see her. But over time I just let it go, without actively trying. I guess I had other things to be concerned about, and her coldness wasn’t one of them. Sadly, I just filed her in my file box of "people who will NOT be there for you." But … her friendly overtures for occasional dinner appealed to me once again. And I saw her and her brother for dinner and had a lovely time. And realized I was okay that she would never be there for me to take me home from the doctor’s office. Now, am I just desperate and is that why I have overlooked her coldness? I don’t know, and I don’t think I care. To me, this is a baby step of getting out there and being able to be around some people for some things and not expect too much from them.
In my life I can think of two camps of people who bring up controversial topics: Camp (a) brings them up because they want to convert me to their views and are actually appalled and repelled that I don’t think like they do about things. Some of them are actually not argumentative in general and do not enjoy arguing. But they feel strongly that their views on certain topics are the only way, and feel they must straighten out my thinking. So they continue to bring up the topics. They never care about my point of view or want to learn from it. They are upset that I don’t agree with them, and I suppose are upset that I vocalize that I don’t agree. If I am quiet and say nothing, they assume I agree with them. So being quiet does not work.
I don’t know if they respect me for my arguments. I don’t think so. They are not even the least bit interested in what I think or believe. Only that I don’t agree with them and they want me to. In camp (b) are the types I think you are talking about: People who WANT to argue and want another perspective. These people are not necessarily unpleasant, though it’s rough to go head to head with him if you don’t have your arguments carved in stone with facts and figures. I don’t run into camp (b) very often, but camp (a) all the time.
People who bring up controversial topics WANT to argue and disagree. They don’t want you to back down, they want you to argue your case as strongly as they’re arguing theirs. The point of structured arguments such as these is to give each other a chance to flesh out our ideas and maybe gain a new perspective on the issue. I’m not saying that you should argue a point until you’re blue in the face, but giving up some easily makes you look weak and un-opinionated.
Some people tend toward introversion. They naturally prefer being alone and are quite happy hibernating. These individuals really need to "make themselves" reach out to other people. Since you enjoy being with people once you get there:-), why don’t you challenge yourself to find ways to meet new people or connect with the people whom you already know. You could even make a short list of promises to yourself (e.g. go out once a month with a friend, join a new group, call an old friend/colleague, etc.).
Now that you are aware of your needs, it’s easy to initiate change.
Warm regards, Irene
Hello, thank you for that link. I read it and wasn’t sure what to make of it. I have spent many periods in my adult life where I was pretty much a hermit, for various reasons. Often work related, no free time, etc. But often just hibernating socially and licking my wounds from disappointments and hurts by friends. These periods of isolation are comforting but on some level obviously don’t work. Because the minute I step out again and even have just a simple dinner or brief get together with a casual friend I feel a surge of hope and happiness within me and I feel alive. And I think Oh I’ll never hide from people again. But then I do of course. I’m saying I have terrific capacity to be alone all the time and make do, having no one around for any kind of help or support. But I don’t want to keep doing that. I’d like to have the emotional courage to jump into life with people again and have the courage to hang in there and not retreat when someone looks at me the wrong way or says something mean.
I just wanted to say that I agree with everything you stated. I refuse to settle with men or close friends. I’ll be friends with almost everyone but I know when is the time and place for each person. I do desire a friend who has so much in common with me that we can have fun and support each other in any moment. I found your comment very comforting. Thank you.
I grew up with my mom (parents divorced when I was 5, never saw my dad after that) and we moved 21 times before I was 11 years old. She was abusive and at the age of 16 I was put in foster care where I was moved around quite abit, because of my age no one wanted me.
In June after my graduation I was pushed out on my own and met an older guy in Sept on my 19th b-day. He hated me having friends and any time I made them he either developed feelings for them or we got into a fight. So I didn’t have friends. 9 years later and 2 months before our wedding I told him our planned pregnancy was successful and he told me it was over. Now I’m a single mother who’s shy and a little scared to get close too soon. I’ve learned to become more outgoing and talkative but no one wants to be my friend. I’m in college now so most of my "friends" are 10 years younger than me and we are in completely different places in life, plus they live on the whim where I actually need to get a sitter for any event. I don’t know if I should call them friends since the only time we hang out is if I plan somthing and even then I’m lucky if they don’t cancil. Married women wont hang out with me either. I’m fun, a great person/friend, smart, and love myself. I have a great time even just it ‘s just my daughter and I but I would love to have a mother figure or a friend. I have no friends and no family other than my little girl. I have to do everything completely by myself. I can do it, I just wish I had someone to go shopping with, grab a coffee, make cookies, go for a walk, work out with, or just call to chat in my life.
I have a similar issue. If you live in OR let me know. I would love to have a friend
I’m a 32 yr old single mom
Your life sounds like mine….I’ve never had a lot of friends but it’s been worse since I moved to a new city alone. My whole life is work, home, church sometimes and repeat. Even at church I’ve not really gotten to know many people. I also feel better to know that I’m not alone in this. The hardest part is when my family tells me it’s because I’m anti social and just not trying. Makes me very upset.
I relate to what you wrote and am sorry for your pain. You do have time on your side, so please let that give you hope for finding good people who deserve your love and friendship. The example you gave, about disagreeing with someone & how you try to be humble, etc., is something I have struggled with my whole life. I wish Irene would address this. I have almost come to the conclusion that people don’t want me to disagree at all and do not respect it when I state that I disagree. It doesn’t matter if I am forceful about my opinion or conciliatory. They don’t like it. What is interesting is that I usually am not the one to bring up the contentious topic. They are. And I find myself in the dilemma of do I (a) keep quiet or change the topic or (b) state calmly and nicely that I don’t agree. Option (a) makes people think I agree with them or makes them think I have no opinions and am dim. Option (b) makes people think that it is I not they who is the argumentative one. I have no solutions for this dilemma, but I am glad you raised it. I hope Irene sees this and addresses it.
Most of the comments seem to have something in common: it’s usually people in their late forties or fifties, married and with children (there are some exceptions). While it is still terrible to be lonely in these circumstances, I can’t help but feel even worse about myself; I am 28 years old, single, and very lonely. My past relationships have all failed, and I find it so hard to, if not make friends, definitely keep them. I’m seriously starting to fear that I am not going to find a boyfriend that loves me and I love back and we can have a happy future together (I do not envision a fairy tale ending, just a simple, normal marriage and family with its ups and downs, but one where there is love no matter what). And as for friends, I am becoming more desperate as I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I am told that I am a lovely, caring, generous, fun, friendly person, yet in the end I can’t seem to keep friends around me. Nor do I want to have hundreds of best friends, because that is ridiculous and fake. But no matter how hard I try to “do the right things” to allow a good friendship to develop with people who have the same values as I do and who seem like they could be good friends, I always end up failing, messing it up for some reason or another. To give an example, even when I have an argument with a friend on something we completely disagree on, if for instance she says A and I say B, I try to be humble and apologise if I upset or offended her, and even try to look at it from her point of view. But she’ll just stick to her A point of view and “agree to disagree”. So what am I meant to do? Give in and agree with her for the sake of keeping the “friendship”? Or break the friendship because we can’t agree? I don’t want to just blame the other person for being stubborn and impossible. So I’m left with a terrible feeling of emptiness and impotence that even when I try to deal with arguments in the “correct” way, I’m still left alone. And this has happened many times.
I can totally relate to you. When I was reading your blog, it was like I had written it myself. I am 40, married with one daughter. My husband is also my best friend and have no other friends. Like you, I am shy and appear to be cool and confident around others. I know that it must appear as being snobby but I am really afraid of rejection. You have inspired me to try to be 100% myself and stop worrying if people will like me or not. I wish you the best of luck!!
Dear Anonymous,
You sound like you have so much to offer in a friendship. Please consider psychotherapy to explore this issue and relieve this loneliness. It really can help!
Molly
I’m 51, single and childless. I never learned how to do friendship – it’s as baffling as astrophysics to me.
My mother always demanded that I must not marry and have kids (because she did, four kids, and resented it… in spite of my father giving his absolute all to make her happy). I so wish I could have disobeyed her, but I never had the opportunity.
I so agree with your comment about people just wanting you to tell them that you’re fabulous, not a thing wrong with you. Without wanting to be a whinger, I do feel sad at times that there is not one person on the planet who cares if I live or die.
Last week I crushed my thumb, trying to put a ladder away when I was too tired to handle it properly. (I suffer from chronic fatigue.) I rang a couple of acquaintances when I got out of hospital, but neither was interested. I met one of them later in the week and she ignored my big awkward thumb. It’s not a big thing, but it gives me an indication of how it would be if I did have something major wrong with me, especially as I get older.
My siblings have worked together, with my mother’s assistance after Dad died, to keep me out of the family, so my only relative is an 89-year-old aunt who lives at the other end of the state in a nursing home.
I notice that many of the people posting here are married, with or without children. This of course doesn’t guarantee that your beloved will still be around when you need help in your old age, but it’s still one step ahead of my total solitude.
Solitude I’ve learned to love, it’s the fear of what will happen to my animals if I have an accident. No-one would notice for days or probably weeks. My animals don’t deserve to suffer on my account. But what’s the alternative? Give them up and live without any other living being at all in my life???
I too have a tough time making friends. I had them in high school, but only a couple of them were long term. During my 30s, I had two long term friendships, which ended by my choice, and had a tougher time since, and it only gets more difficult to make friends as I get older (I am 47 and single).
I tried reconnecting with old high school mates via facebook, but they seem indifferent toward me, yet they seem to have other high school friends they communicate with. A couple of others say they wanted to get together, yet they never followed through.
So, I am pretty much alone. I work full time and run my own errands, and do chores at home. Aside from that, I have no social life.
I am so glad that I am not the only one going through this, although I feed bad that we all are. I am grateful for this website so we all have someone to connect with.
I would not worry too much, I was never in a clique in highschool, but I was social with everyone, I was not unhappy, Elementary school was a whole different story, but HS was great. As long as she seems happy dont worry : ) My daughter is 10 and we have very candid conversations of what makes a real friend.
Oh so true, I have ONE true friend, and unfortunately she lives far away. I am saddened from time to time when I think about my no friend situation, but then I decide that being true to myself is more important than conforming to a shallow “Friend”
Oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one that felt like this.
Even my daughters are like this also. Not sure why. They are both wonderful, intelligent, kind and caring young women. But, I’m afraid they are going to end up like me.
I am 59 years old, and lived in a stable family and in the same neighborhood my entire life. I have lived in my present community for nearly 39 years. My husband is my only friend. I have plenty of acquaintances, but no one who would call me to just chat, or get together for a shopping trip or coffee. I certainly don’t have any friends that care enough to listen to my problems or stick by me during an illness. I’ve even been involved in churches, but they are just looking for more workers and money. I continue to go regardless for the spiritual pursuit. I’ve given up, however, on that as an avenue for making friends. They are more acquaintances, that’s all.
When I am feeling negative, the fact that I have no friends bothers me. When I am feeling positive, I am grateful not to have the complications of friends. As a teacher, I see the students I work with going through more hurts and upheavals as a result of friends than joys from having friends. I think social networking is too time consuming and too surface level to be called true friendship. .
I’ve been feeling negative lately. It is January and gloomy, so I’m researching the topic. I found this link:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2252821_live-friends.html
The story put a positive spin on things again, and I’m beginning to see that there are positive aspects to having no friends.
Best wishes to you all out there. Try to look on the bright side regardless. We are only as lonely as we choose to be. Many intelligent, creative people spent years without friends to pursue their muse. Maybe you are one of those.
I’m personally on for the networking in my industry, so I usually get accepted, but not always. Something I’ve noticed: the more friends a person has, the more likely they are to accept your request. Also, I have a rule that if I send a request, I’ll let it sit for 6 months unanswered before I withdraw the request. Another rule is if I see a request and see them posting or friending other people, I’ll give them 24 hours to accept my request. Otherwise, I withdraw my request. And you may just have to accept that there are some real weirdos out there. Case in point–this woman and I were friends back when our kids were small. Drifted apart (amicably, I thought) when they went to different schools. Saw her on FB, sent friend request, no reply. Then a few months later, she friended two of my friends (she knew I was friends with them), and when I check her wall, she had refused my request outright! Was a little surprised by this, until a little while later, her name came up in conversation and the other woman told me that this FB refuser had a reputation at her kids school for making bosom friends, getting really tight with the other family, but it would never last more than a few months before a big fight happened. She had done this several times. Not everybody is emotionally stable…
omg this is actually same way as i feel I have moved 5 times since i was 5 and my situation is just like yours.
How can you be “blocked” from just searching for her name? You mean she knows who is searching for her ?
I just wrote another comment about not being on facebook, so that’s why I’m asking. I don’t get the whole facebook thing, anyway, so I can’t shed light on your situation. But it (facebook) sounds like another unnecessary thing in life to create anxiety about friends in your life. That’s why I’ve never pursued it.
Maybe they aren’t on facebook? I am not, but I get invitations. If it’s someone I know and whose email I have, write and explain I’m not on facebook. If it’s an almost stranger, like people using me to network, I ignore the invitations.
I added someone as a friend who didn’t accept, and now seems to have blocked me on FB as when I search for her, her name doesn’t comeup. Why? What did I do? She is a friendly acquaintance more than a real friend, who I have short update chats with when I see her, so I’m not devastated but it is so weird. We have about 10 mutual friends, all mums from the school where our kids go, so what’s the problem? It makes me crazy too. Sorry not to be helpful though. I’m as mystified as you are. But you are not alone!!
Sarah
A very close friend’s life turned around and she remarried after husband died. Now she has no use for those of us who helped during the crises. She just sends pictures and updates of her new happy life and if I in particular say something about me and problems I have, she says she has had to purge all negative people from her life. We are senior citizens but this feels like high school. I feel used and dumped. So I can’t tell her about problems from surgery or something normal like that without being described as being negative. I’m supposed to say, “I got a terrible infection from surgery and feel awful, but everything happens for a reason and isn’t it all just peachy rosy keen?” She wants a “life is beautiful” commentary after every statement or else I am “negative.” Well, that’s not me. I’m a let’s laugh at ourself, and vent and commiserate and fess up to how life is sometimes a bitch.” But, no, that’s considered ew, too negative. I think it’s an excuse. She is now doing well and doesn’t want to bother herself with anyone who can’t share the new lifestyle of lots of free time and no health or financial concerns.
I find it v. weird that you don’t like that your “BFF” “needed to be needed”. Isn’t that what friends do, confide in each other, social and hang-out? I don’t know what exactly entails your use of the word “needing”. But if you don’t need your friends, then are they really your friends at all, or merely your acquaintances/associates which you call your “friends”? You assumed that she’s jealous of your good life which has “turned around”, but maybe she’s pissed off that you’re neglecting and not putting in the effort to maintain your friendship, because you’re now too busy enjoying your good life right now that you take your friendship with her for granted. Friendships are like plants, you have to constantly water them for them to live.
My story is that I also moved around alot.The longest I’ve lived somewhere was 3 years max and the was 6-9. At first I felt I was just cursed or something. My mom basically raised me and my brothers and sister. We grew up without having much.My oldest brother made friends easily(he conformed) my sister made her closes friends through that 3year period. While my other brother became bestfriend with my sisters friend little brother. I’m the youngest so from 9 yearsold we started moving every year. My older siblings friends stayed around.I always felt a sense of isolation as a kid. I think over time I became introverted because making new friends was just tiring.We always living in uncomfortable places which made it harder to keep friends. We always ended up in the poor areas,so I got use to seeing my friends that I did make leave.It was hard and very lonely.Now that I’m much older I think I have natural way of closing myself off because I don’t want to be hurt.I’m trying hard to break this mode and be myself and open.I’m starting to make great progress. I never have guy friends.They all say I’m really beautiful and blah blah and want more.If I don’t give in, they stop hanging around. I’m jealous of girls who can be just friends.My family sometimes makes comments about it,which hurt me deep but it’s true.I remember my mom even telling me to get a life when I was 11. And my brother telling me I wouldn’t be able to go out because I have no Friends…etc.So now I just play it off with humor. I’m almost out of high school and I’m having more success at make friends,but it sucks cause I just moved again. And suppose to be moving sometime soon also.
Here are three prior posts that talk about Rent-a-Friend:
Rent a Friend: What do you think?
The Toronto Sun asks The Friendship Doctor about Rent-a-Friend
Sentinel News: A Friend Indeed
Best, Irene
I thought long and hard about the subject of general time availability just to get together with friends. For most professional corporate business minded individuals it takes three to seven years to establish a close friendship with others at work. It is more about knowing how one stands within a new environment – if someone is from a different background or culture, one is not always sure on how to approach and will forgo trying to establish a new long term friendship. Temporary employees also suffer because no one wants to establish a friendship if the person will be leaving soon. Most administrative assistant jobs are now temporary as a way of corporate cost cutting. Once a person arrives at 50+ they seem to blend in with the corporate environment. They represent experience and wisdom and are sot after to find a solution to tough issues, and thus, the idea of establishing a friendship with them is placed aside. If one does approach, the first question that asked is “what do you need.” Of course this is a valid question but that sets the stage for most future conversations.
The worst are the cell phones and the text messaging, plus facebook. It is just too easy to create a generic interaction with others, than to officially walk over to someone’s cubicle and begin a full conversation.
In truth it is about the rule of perception, if one is on a device, no one can tell if the conversation or text message is actually business related or just for fun. The only problem is that the feeling that is left with others, is that everyone is busy and that no one has time for new friends. This method is great for the perception of always being perceived as indispensible to a corporation but it doesn’t actually do anything to help establish friendship with others.
A really great service that I just discovered is called rentafriend.com and it is possible to become a member and rent friends to have fun with or to become a friend for others and get paid to have fun.
No preliminary awkwardness of trying to establish a new friendship, a great way to socialize, no internal slight desperate feelings to contend with at all. Be a dance partner, bowling partner, movie buddy, tour guide, etc. The website sets-up the whole secure exchange and you can decide what you will and won’t do. This website is only about completely platonic friendships. All members and friends know the strict policy of no physical contact. Please view the testimonies. There are different age groups and other countries are featured on rentafriend. This website is not an affiliate website, and this is not an advertisement – I just found this concept to be excellent. I hope this information has been helpful.
I have come across friends who just moved on because I’m not willing to conform and cater to them. Sad, but to me, it’s more important to be true to myself than have superficial friends.
I agree–a little about kids or husbands goes a long way, and I am not envious. More women need to expand their minds and interests. The extreme focus on kids and family is the reason the world is overpopulated.
There are tons of introverted women–just look at the comments on this blog–so why wouldn’t you have lots in common with many of them? You seem to have your mind made up that women are bubbly, ditzy gossips just because of their gender.
Slipdiffs? There are tons of women you could relate to about photography, dogs, horticulture and a million other things. Lots of chauvinism there–an automatic preference for men over women. I’ve had women friends like that and can remember feeling offended by their discrimination against their own gender.
You sound like an interesting, intelligent person trying to survive in a conservative southern city. I can relate to your post and feel the same distaste over excessive focus on kids, grandkids, etc.
My family moved a lot while I was growing up and my older brother and I feel that this negatively affected our ability to make friends. My brother says he’d skip getting to know people because we’d just be moving again. Our younger sister, however, grew up in one place and has no problem making friends.
I’m also very shy, so it’s hard for me to initiate friendship or even an evening out unless there’s little chance of rejection.
That said, nice friends seem to come into my life on a fairly steady basis if I’m living in a place with like-minded people.
For instance, I had five or six close, dependable friends when I left Seattle after 14 years, but only two interesting acquaintances after nine years in insular Salt Lake City. I really, really tried to meet people there the first few years but finally gave up and spent most of my time alone, including weekends, holidays and birthdays. At first that terrified me and I felt like a loser, but I eventually learned to enjoy my time alone by studying French, reading, working out and hiking though I wished I’d had more friends there.
I recently moved to a more liberal town because I knew it wasn’t good to live my life without a larger social circle. (My family, except for the brother, is truly dysfunctional so I live a long ways from them.) I’m beginning to make friends again, but it’s a slow process and the ability to be my own company still comes in handy.
I still keep in touch with several old friends, but find that most friendships change or peter out as values and interests evolve.
Friends will naturally come into your life if you have interests, read, are curious about the world, considerate of others and live in a place with a decent selection of people. Be selective–pass on people who aren’t what you’re looking for and don’t fear being alone until the right ones come along.
There are some FB comments I’ve been reading. Has anyone ever requested someone as a friend and they don’t accept? What is that all about? I realize many people don’t go on often; but I’ve had friend requests not accepted after a GREAT length of time. These aren’t strangers….these are people I worked with, hung out with, etc. I’ve even sent private messages with my maiden name in case they did not recognize my married name. It leaves me wondering what is going on? Was there something I did? It’s crazy-making at times! Thoughts?
Facebook isn’t real human interaction; certainly not friendship. A year ago I decided that if the friends and relatives on Facebook can’t relate to me personally it wasn’t worth the bother. I’ve been much happier since I closed my account.
My name is Donna and I am single, childless and have no real friends. I have tried making them over the years, and although people seem to like me, it does not seem enough to want to be friends with me. I had a couple of long term friendships that I ended years ago because, well they were not great friends, or we grew apart, etc. I am also estranged from my family, so I am really alone, esp. on the holidays. I have a hard time trusting women as well. However, I really want to have women friends that are loyal, real and honest that I can connect with.
I can relate to many of the stories, myself never having close friends and being a single, childfree woman by choice. I’ve found Bella DePaulo’s books/blogs on singlism (subtle societal discrimination of singles) immensely helpful in dealing with my loneliness, as well as the site
http://www.happilychildfree.com
They’re helping me live life on my own terms and in my own way, realizing that another person isn’t essential to one’s true happiness. I hope it helps some of you.
Thanks for sharing your experience with such candor! Being shy and introverted by nature myself, I think aiming for one or two close friends is just the right goal for you.
Best, Irene
Happy New Year! This post hits home for me. I am an introvert by nature. All my life I have thrown myself into extrovert type roles, (Sales, Pep Squad, etc) because I felt it was the thing to do. It was going against my nature. I am outgoing when I need to be; but after a night of heavy duty socializing, I need to take a night or two of to re-charge. I recently had my 3rd child and left my high-intensity job. My job WAS my social life. I now find myself floundering. I get invited to the mom’s nights, I try to volunteer at the school, you know…things I am “supposed to be doing.” It is very challenging to make friends later in life AND when you are an introvert at heart. I have some baggage and I am not a vulnerable person that can discuss my past with people; so I know I come off as cool, calm, and collected; yet inside I am lonely, disconnected, and misunderstood. I envy women that have tight neighborhood cliques where on any given day there are plenty of women to hang out with. I see that at the school and it kills me. Sure, they are pleasant to me; but it is evident that the neighborhood rules. Facebook just makes it worse. Whenever I get off the site, I feel more empty than before. Mostly because it is “in your face” cliquey-type behavior. I am not looking for pity. It’s a New Year and I want to make it a goal to make 1 or 2 close friends. This blog is wonderful! Thanks for allowing me to vent and share my story.
Anonymous, I agree with you completely. So many times I have been close to forming friendships because that is what has been expected of me, only to be disappointed and to find myself gradually edging my way out of the relationship. I have now accepted that I have extremely low social needs, keep to myself for the most part, and have never been happier. I think sometimes we do things because it is expected of us and so as not to seem ‘weird’ at the expense of our real desires.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry you went through such a difficult time and I hope your cancer is in remission.
When friends let us down, especially when we’re vulnerable, it is really disappointing. I’m glad that there were a few to support you. You make a good point about "having enough."
Warm regards,
Irene
I relate to many of your comments, at 47, married with a young daughter and sahm. Perhaps it is genetic shyness, or the abusive household I grew up in with a depressed, misanthropic father and a shy, passive, but very nice Mother. I didnt have much to model myself after and all hints of a self image, self confidence were quickly smashed by my father. I pretty much sat out my adolescence probably for fear if being hurt, criticized by others. I missed out on all those learning opportunities that other adolescents were having. I think I a missing some skills and confidence that others developed during thise critical years. Just being nice or even friendly isnt enough to attract friends, even if you make the first moves. At my age a good part of it seems to do with what is most convenient for ppl. But also, I dont think anyone really wants to hang out with someone who is negative, too serious, or offers too much personal info. After being diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, my lack of good friends was glaring and I felt that when ppl asked how I was they really wanted me to say, "Great!" and just move on. It was lonely for sure. Very few came through for me, my hubby and daughter in such an immense time of need. Im am still saddened by it. I was so supportive of others and it really didnt come back to me. Even my very outgoing cousin who died last year said, "you find out who your real friends are when you are on your deathbed." I would add when you get sick esp. with the big C.
I have had the same experience twice now, and I came to the same conclusion. The people I thought were my best friends really weren’t. They were needy people who seemed to fit my “then” lifestyle. When I found my present husband who is truly my best friend the others dropped me like a hot potato! We live and learn, though, and at 65 I find I don’t have the “need” for the best friends I had when I was younger. I’ve just learned to be me and if you like it you like it, if you don’t you don’t
One common element I’ve noticed in most of these posts is that we all seem to be on the shy side (introverted). As a shy person, I have gone through much of my life putting on a facade of confidence. Part of that facade is trying not to appear too needy. I guess that is why I can seem aloof and distant to others (I know I do this because I fear rejection). On the inside I am afraid, on the outside I am cool and confident and that can come off as snobbish even though that’s not the case. I’m 51 now and apparently I’ve become so good at this that even my husband and 3 adult kids are unaware when I’m a nervous wreck. So I guess my point is, if I appear to others to be aloof and uninterested in them (even tho it’s just a facade), I’m going to turn people off. I know this is a big part of my problem in developing friendships. I have no close friends at all. My husband is my best friend along with my 3 adult kids.
I’ve been thinking about trying something new. There is a way that I feel when I am at “home”. A place where I feel I can be 100% myself. I can talk freely, relax, wear my PJ’s if I want to, and generally not worry about what anyone else is thinking. I am my true self and it feels good. I’ve decided to try to be “me” where ever I may be and to whom ever I may be talking. If I feel awkward at any moment, oh well, that’s who I am. If people accept the real me, that great! If not, then it would’t be worth it anyway, it wouldn’t be real.
Some may think this is too simplistic, but for me it will be a challenge and a good starting point. Wish me luck!
It’s just another outlet for people to compete unfortunately. Driving further the cliques.
I lived in sugarland texas and had a horrific experience. Also went to private schools! (Fort Bend Baptist Academy, Faith Lutheran School) Then in the 8th grade I moved to Australia (same shit happened…) And graduated highschool at age 16. Now I’m at that phase where I wait for university to start…
I’ve moved to 7 different schools (so it was like 2 years every year for me then) but you have my sympathy. I just graduated high school at age 16 but the effect this had on me is lethal. I have never recovered to this day.
Yes be very worried because the scars she has from being ostracised will never go away. (Just graduated high school a month ago at age 16. Moved to 7 different schools and the affect this had on my social connections was LETHAL) Chances are, she’s better off than I was because she’s probably lived in the same state/country/school? for a while. I kept moving states/schools/countries which meant constantly adapting to new cultures. To this day, (currently waiting for university) I have never recovered. Even my persecuted relatives in third world countries at least have friends and family.
(Age 16 Just graduated high school I’m at the phase where I’m waiting for university to begin) I’ve gone through a similar experience because I’ve transferred to 7 different schools. But going to an all girls private school… wow, you have my sympathy…I know how girls can be D;
People who conforming (basically, those willing to sell their individuality to enslave themselves to the people) are far more likely to make a friendships than those who are true to themselves by keeping their personality even if this is at the expense of acceptance (These type of people, such as myself, are often describe as being "eccentric" and are at a far greater risk of being ostracized due to society’s unhealthy phobia for change/difference).
I just graduated highschool a few months ago. Spent all 16 years of my life trying to get close friends. I have a personality of an introvert BUT I have tried to start the conversation so many times. I’ve also moved 4 times and been to 7 different schools. For the most part I’m screwed =)
I moved a lot as a child, I know i’m introverted, i get along better with men and I am a married woman so that causes issues. I got my masters degree when I was 23, have been working every since. I have never had many friends but it seems as if the more successful I become, the less people even act like they care. It is very sad. I too, am attractive, never had a problem getting a man or attention but I’m not sure why I can’t get a close frien ship. I don’t trust women, there always seems to be some hidden agenda. As a scorpio, I think I’m very intuitive and know right off the bat if someone is for me. It is sad, but most only care about themselves…I’ve given up sadly. My husband and my two kids are my friends.
This could be the story of my life. I use to try hard to figure out what was going on like it was some type of curse being handed down from one generation to another. I finally stop trying to figure out the why’s and how’s and be the best person i could be. If friends come great if not people are really missing out on a great family.
Maybe part of the problem could be that you are often together and that this could cause people to see you as less approachable because they could think that you don’t have a need to meet others. I think this is part of the problem I have as well as I go basically everywhere with my husband. Readind your post made me think this could be part of your problem. I could be wrong of course, though. Anyways, I hope your luck improves and you both will make friends.
Unfortunately, I don’t know any way to keep people’s identities private and, at the same time, enable them to connect and share personal information with each other. Some people on the Forums (www.TheFriendshipBlog.com/forums) have user names so they know who is saying what.
Best, Irene
How can we find out where someone lives? I would love to get together with some of these women but have no idea where they are located.
I was briefly on facebook and was addicted for a couple of weeks. Then became exasperated at the maintenance. So I pulled the plug. Didn’t explain or apologize. Just told people to call or email me. And they do. Just heard today about my best friend’s firsr granddaughter. What was she going to do, not tell me or not send me pictures bevcause I’m not on facebook? Of course not. Facebook is silly.
agreed. it creates more of a distance than anything…esp. when you’re not included. it’s that horrible feeling from junior high all over again. i’ve considered deleting my account; but cannot. it’s like an addiction!
Thank You All! I thought it was just me. I always considered myself loyal…to a point. My “BFF” from my childhood recently up and bailed. There was no fall out, no fight, no dramatic ending. She just shut me off light a light-switch. Of course I’ve spent months wondering what I did. Then it hit me. She was never a friend in the true sense of the word. She needed to be needed. When my life turned around and life was awesome, she couldn’t handle it. It’s funny when you reflect, you think of the snide passive-aggressive comments in front of others. Knowing my vulnerabilities and exploiting them. How horrible she is. Regarding the FB world, it’s a love-hate relationship. My x-bff are still fb friends; however it is very fake. A like here and there, a comment here and there. She has her fb friends “snowed” with her “positivity” but I know she’s a poser. I am attempting to break into some new female friendships; but as others have mentioned, it’s difficult in your thirties. I sometimes envy those Wisteria Lane neighborhood friendships; but do I? Does it look rosy from the outside? Anyhow, I empathize with each and every one of your posts. Human Beings are strange creatures…let’s all feel lucky if we can have 1 normal functioning friendship by the time we die!!
I had to comment on your post because that is exactly my story. I was always the “one of the boys” girl in high school and my 20s. I have has exactly 3 close female friendships since I became an adult, and all of them had more sexual undertones that just “friends”. I have married to a man for 5 years, we are child-less by choice & really have no social life. He had more friends and invitations to events than I do, but generally its just the two of us. We’re heavily tattooed, but also work in normal jobs, and life normal things. It really hit me today when I realized that I was not invited to a single holiday party this year or last year or I don’t know when. People have told me that I come across as aloof, for my perspective I just never seem to find anyone who really shares my interests (running, cooking, wine, travel, dogs). Its a really lonely place to be. Usually I’m ok with it, but sometimes it hits me (like today) and it just SUCKS! Glad to know I’m not alone!
I have a twin sister and we’re both beautiful girls, everyone thinks we’re so nice and we get complimented a lot. My sister and I both have the problem of not having close friends. I am friends with mostly guys but I am tired of it. My boyfriend is my only best friend and I’m so thankful to have him, we have been together for almost 4 years now. Its nice to know that others face the same things as my sister and I. Those that I tend on making my friend turn out to just be users. Myself and my sister are both 20 we live on campus at college and we’re are still trying to make friends but we are happy we have each other.
A lot of people ARE fake, selfish and insincere. You could be the nicest person but if all they want is someone to drink with or go shopping with or whatever, it doesn’t matter.
Keep circulating, but don’t try too hard. It’s OK to let people come to you and it does NOT mean you are doing something wrong if they don’t. Just work on being your best self.
My parents moved from MI (where I grew up) to CO in 2008, I wasn’t at home at the time. Between 2008 and 2011 I was doing my own thing and not living with them. I have been in Denver for 7 months and have no friends. I didn’t grow up here so it’s not like I have any roots or anyone to reconnect with. My brother lives here but we’re not very close and that hurts that he doesn’t reach out to me. He has a lot of friends and has no idea what it’s like. Moving to a big city is a lot harder than people think, it’s so hard to meet genuine people. I play on rec sports team in the spring and summer but nothing ever comes of the friendships. I try and I try and I try but no one cares. I don’t understand. I’m nice, athletic, funny, cute, and have done some cool things but no one is ever interested. I even got left at a bar last night during a bar crawl, I’m 23 years old, I thought people only did that in high school. I’m so angry and cry all the time. I just keep thinking something is wrong with me. I had serious issues in high school; depression, cutting, promiscuity. I went to a private, all girls high school and that was hell. I think that has a lot to do with my issues now, it scarred me. Everyone just seems so fake, ingenuine, and selfish.
I worry about my teenage daughter she doesn’t have a group at school and instead just “hangs” out with all different groups. She has friends over and things but as soon as their more popular friends turn up she is dropped. Should I worry or should I just let her be. She seems happy to not be in a particular group. I think maybe I am being too anxious but I don’t want her to join a clique but to have a close friend that she can talk to and trust.
I agree, I have friends but things get misunderstood on facebook and there is no real contact.
I am a heterosexual, but I am going to go out on a limb, here.
I would liken your situation to a married woman wanting to be just friends with a man. It is possible, but it can be difficult or tricky. Almost inevitably, the man wants it to be more than just a friendship. It seems against nature to him to be just friends with a woman.
Maybe I don’t know what in the heck I am talking about, but maybe most lesbian women (or are you talking about ALL women?) just can’t have a friendship with another woman? Maybe heterosexual women are afraid that you will want to date them? Silly, but possible and maybe even probable.
I feel like I could have written your post.
I am middle-aged (well, if I live until I’m over 100
) too, and I am a profoundly lonely woman. I am married and have a wonderful husband, but I would love to have a close female friend to do things with and talk about things that women like to talk about. I have several sisters, but all of them live away, and we are all very, very different from each other. My younger sister to whom I feel closest has younger children, so our friendship has to be somewhat limited, because she has family to take care of. Unfortunately, I have been told that I come across as aloof or pretentious, but I am really just very, very shy and not exactly brimming with self-confidence.
I have a friend that I have known literally since we were babies, but she lives out of town and has a busy family life, too. Unfortunately, my husband and I were not fortunate enough to have children, and I think that puts a lot of people off, too. They feel awkward with us, because we don’t have the “I have children” bond.
I don’t want to change myself completely, but I do wish that I could figure out what my problem is and why I must be so off-putting to people. I really think being an introvert is my biggest obstacle, and I just can’t change that. I am who I am.
There are so many stories like this. I lived for 2 years in a small city that had a reputation for being hard to break into, even after a decade. As a result there was a core population of lifers and a revolving-door population who tried for a while and gave up. I can’t figure it out. Heck, I have lived across the hall from the same couple for going on SIX years and they are still a little standoffish with me. I mean, seriously, after six years, you know me! It’s not weird to say hello and chat to your neighbour!
Reading about your family I wondered if they were narcissistic. (Do some googling – there are heaps of blogs on this – and see if any of it fits.)
On the forums I had an exchange with another poster about how relationships these days seem to be all about what you can get out of them. If someone isn’t useful to you in some way, ignore them – that seems to be the philosophy.
I hope you have better luck in your new community.
This is great to read that there actually are other people like me out there! I am 41, grew up in the same town my entire life, went to school with the same people all the way through high school—-and have no real friends from childhood. I was shy but did try and make friends—-but I just never fit in or something. 2 acquaintances from college that I have as FB ‘friends’ but no true close friendship. I am lucky that my husband truly IS my best and only friend—and we have 2 wonderful children. The biggest thing I see is that we have lived in this small, clannish town for 16 years and have NO friendships to show here either. None. Noone to say goodbye to when we move in January, noone that cares. Even our family that lives here has no interest in us whatsoever. They get together all the time—-and never call us, never include us, never let us in on what is going on. Saddest of all is that our kids have no friends either. It’s like a virus or something. Nobody cares about our family—about us, about our kids. Our daughter just graduated high school—-and nobody cared! Not a single family member sent her a card or gift or anything. Our son is even more invisible. Part of it could be that the recession has killed our business, and so formerly we used to help everyone in the family out and so we got more attention. Now that hard times have hit us so severely, I guess we’re just not fun or needed anymore. There has got to be a vibe or something people like us send out—-that gives people the green light to ignore us and not include us. I tried for the first 8 years or so living here to be involved in town and so did my husband. Part of it was to try and make friends. But nothing ever panned out. Honestly, my husband and I don’t really care if we have friends or not. But it is really sad to see your kids just as lonely and ignored.
I had the same situation as a child. The kids would say
twos company and three is a crowd. I had to play alone because other children would leave me out. I went to private school 20 miles away for five years. Same thing I had to play or be alone after school. My sister was too busy with her friends and did not give me any time. I had to harden my heart and become more distant to all relationships so that others would not hurt my feelings. I thought as you grew up and people matured this would go away. However, we moved from CA to TX five years ago and our neighbors are all very unfriendly. I even invited them over two times and they would not come. All I can say is that people have become couch potatoes and live in their fantasy world of TV. They do not want to put any effort in to creating a better world or community. Usually, when you go to church they already have clicks and they don’t want to add you to become a best friend. I would like to be friends with “Where have all the people gone?” Dorothy 281-725-1212 (I just turned 60 and look much younger kinda like irenelevine but with dark hair)
As an adult woman, I have found it excruciatingly difficult mostly to keep friends, but making them is hard too. My situation is kind of unique though. I’m in a Christian organization that highly discourages making friends with people who don’t share the same standards…not because we’re better but because of influence mainly. However, not all my friends have always shared my exact same beliefs. The reason I mention this is because I have mostly tried to be friends with other women in my congregations over the years and the one common thread that I’ve seen is that they never last! Yes! Christian women make the lousiest friends!! They all have this subservient approach to their lives and their marriages. Everything is always about the man and that bugs me to no end! I’ve even told my husband to his face that I don’t agree with that at all. They think you’re never supposed to go anywhere without your husband especially traveling!! That’s just ridiculous to me though cus sometimes you just want your girlfriends! I also find that a lot of them are controlling and don’t truly allow me to be myself…so that gets old! Or, we’ll click at first and there’s compatibility but when they sense you’re getting “too close” (which I hate that saying by the way), they shy away from you. When you ask them why, they make lame excuses. The most recent so called friendship I had was with this really pretty lady who was new to the congo. She didn’t know hardly anyone there and since she’s kind of quiet, it took them forever to notice her. So I was one of the first people she met and I introduced her to lots of people. She confided in me about some personal things she was going through with her husband and since I have probs with mine too I could relate. We did everything together and text and talked everyday. I couldn’t believe how willing she was at first to be so available! It was like we were sisters. I was so drawn to her for many reasons. I’d even pop over her place and text her when I was in the area and she would let me come in and we’d chat til 12 or 1 in the morning on a weeknight!! Then, all of a sudden, she started changing on me. I was in her area one day and asked her to come in and she said no she was busy. I asked her what she was doing and she was vague so in other words didn’t want to tell me. I felt so hurt and left to go home. Since then, things haven’t been the same. She hardly tries anymore, we don’t talk nearly as much and I’ve probably seen her all of 3 times in the last 3 months. Each time, Ive seen her she’s either real moody or distant like she wishes she were somewhere else. When I talked to her about it, she made it like it’s nothing I should take personal. How do you not take that personal though? She goes many places without me now too and doesn’t try to hide it as she puts it all over Facebook. She even rubbed in my face her leaving the country with her other friend. That’s just one example too!! I’m fed up with this stuff myself and feel hopeless about friendship because I really give my ALL each time! Sooo disheartening.
The above really hit home for me. I went to a total of 14 schools all in the states before graduating high school. I was not loud or wild, but knew a lot of people. College was the same. I had more close male friendships and a few long lasting female friendships. This never bothered me until now. At 37, I feel really lonely while being married (for 14 years) with three kids (12, 5, and 4). I continue to have a feeling of “not fitting in” or creating that “close” lasting bond with another female.
I am lucky in the fact I married a great man that understands how bad this bothers me and we both determined it was from moving so much. My husband, however, never moved as a kid. He was that wild, loud, outgoing, and the center of attention through school and college.
I currently have been living the past eight years in Rome, GA.
I empathize with all the above comments because surprise, I’m a profoundly lonely adult, too. My earliest childhood memories of loneliness. I was on the periphery of all the groups of children at school and in my neighbourhood. In fact, other girls would hang out with me only if they had had a fight with their best friends, and I was dumped the moment they made up. I have memories of crying to my mom, around age eight, thatnobody liked me. Her response was to send me out with a big bad of candy to share. Naturally the gang would crowd in for a share of candy and I’d be alone, yet again.
We moved to another city when I was eleven and at that tender age I was terrified, but also excited for the opportunity to reinvent myself so people would like me better. Not having a single friend from my birthplace, I was thrilled to develop a very close friendship, almost right away. But two years later and she suddenly broke all ties with me for no apparent reason. I think maybe her older sibling found me too immature (I wasn’t very worldly) warned my friend off me.
I had one other close friendship as a teenager, but that slipped away, too for reasons I don’t know.
I’m fifty now, and the loss of that only close friendship still saddens me greatly, as much as do all the subsequent losses of people I thought could feel close to me, including my siblings, parents, spouse and most recently my young adult daughter who says she’s never felt close to me. Other than the two childhood friends I spoke of earlier, I have never found anyone willing to be more than acquainted with me.
I’m convinced there must be something wrong with me, but no one can or will tell me what it might be. I’m told I’m intelligent, kind, honest, loyal, beautiful, but no one can tell me what turns people off me.
I know exactly how that feels. And it really hurts.
When I went to college, I met my husband, and formed many other “friendships”.
Particularly, a girl named Amanda. She was little moody, needy & off. But, we had some common ground.
However, we were complete opposites. I was the “goth” one & she was the “cheerleader”.
She was obsessed w/ guys. I couldn’t gave a crap less.
Anyway, as time progressed, I wound getting very close w/ her & confiding in her.
Then, while I was planning my wedding. Which she seemed to be obsessed w/ 2 things: being Maid of Honor & New Guy.
Well, towards the final months before the wedding, she wasn’t talking to me. She didn’t even show up to the wedding!! Just like that, our friendship was over. It does bother to this day, that she couldn’t have said what was wrong!
I’m not a lesbian. I’m bisexual. And as long as I can remember it’s been very hard to make, keep, & maintain a friendship.
Especially with women!! (Ironically).
In high school, I was the kinda hard-core chick w/ a filthy mouth, & an I don’t a f***-attitude. Looking back, that was probably the reason it was so much it easier to hang out w/ guys. They didn’t have any rules, most of the time there was no b.s, I got to make perverted jokes…it was more fun!
Unfortunately, the girls, their was just never-ending drama & b.s.
Well, I thought that this was going to pass. You know?
People were going to mature, learn & grow. I was wrong. Still, people can’t be honest & direct w/ me when their mad. They have to give me the silent treatment & not solve a damn thing.
I’m just getting very sick & tired of this crap. No one seems to know how to have a good time w/out alcohol. I’m married & I chose NOT to have any children. So, I get a lot of grief for that. Cause I’m not in the miserably mommy club. It just seems that my husband & I don’t fit in any social circle now.
We don’t mind being the freaks, nerds, & misfits. But, we do mind people being judgmental & critical, not giving us a chance.
I have felt so lonely and hopeless lately when it comes to friendships. I am a happy person overall and am a soon to be single mother of two kids and tremendously enjoy the rewards of parenting, but I feel a great void in the area of friendship. I have had a few close friendships and many acquaintances which I communicate with mainly on Facebook. I love Facebook but it seems to not sustain friendships very well, and sometimes I wish I could quit it altogether, but it seems like very few people want to do the old-fashioned phone call anymore, so I stay on hoping to have contact with my so-called friends. I try to show interest in their lives and will send them personal messages, comment on and like their posts on Facebook, but I usually get no response at all or on the rare occasion I do, it’s just a cold response, but ironically they always comment or like their other friends’ posts. For the long distance friendships, I even suggest driving to meet them halfway or further despite the fact I would be traveling with two small children and I don’t have a lot of money, and no one seems interested in that. The only time any of them are interested in seeing me is if I mention I’m going to be in their city or they’ve invited me to a party, which I don’t mind as I do shopping there, but it gets old after awhile when none of them are willing to reciprocate once in awhile and drive to see me. I have also tried making friends with the other moms at my son’s school, but none of them seem interested in having anymore friends. I have one friend who is also a busy mother and we talk on the phone once in awhile but would be nice if we could take it further to include lunch or something on occasion. I live in a small rural town with not very many groups here. I just don’t get it. I am a little on the shy side and don’t disclose a lot about myself to begin with, but with time I do, and I’m a friendly and fun and likable person. I feel like either something must be wrong with me, or the nature of friendships have changed and are just not the way they used to be anymore. I’m at my wits end and am losing hope of making or keeping friends, but I take comfort in knowing there are others out there like me.
I’m a lesbian too and I’ve had the same issues! It’s super hard to make friends. The lesbians I’ve made friends with have stopped being friends w because they found a girlfriend or because they wanted something more and I didn’t and it was just a mess. I’ve been with my gf for over 6 years and I would love to have some good friends who just want to be friends! I’ve had a few straight girl friends but they fizzled out for silly reasons too. One girl actually just wanted to use me to see if she could be with girls. UGH! I’m such a good friend to people. I just I could find a good friend or two.
I’ve always had a hard time making friends. My father was in the military and we moved almost every 3 to 5 years. I lived overseas for half of my life. I was always shy when I was younger. I tried putting myself out there in high school but the only so called friends that would talk to me we’re druggies. I didn’t want apart of that so I didn’t hangout with anyone. I try to make friends at work but it’s hard to find something to relate to with people at work. Most of the women want to talk about their children and me being 30 and having no children kind of makes me feel like an out cast. I’ve always wanted to have a friend I could confined in and hangout out, go to movies, etc. I’ve tried several sites for friendship but the only people I have reply are either people trying to have threesomes, or dirty men. I have my fiancee and he is my best friend we tell each other everything but I want a friendship with a women.
Maybe we can go see a movie or grab lunch together
Where do you live? I’m sort of in the same situation. No teenagers, but I have a hubs and a cat. I have two friends from high school but we had lost touch by our early twenties. I was always very shy, so that’s my problem. I have not been able to befriend the women in my husband’s circle of friends because we are of a different ethnicity and they are younger than me.
i agree facebook is not the place for real friendship it leaves you more empty then before.
Well I’m glad it’s not just me! So straight women have this problem too. As a lesbian I find it difficult to make friends with straight women because they are afraid of lesbians. I find it difficult to form any significant relationships with other lesbians because they either think you want to date them, or they dump you because any girlfriend they get is jealous of your friendship. I’ve been dumped as a friend soooo many times it’s heartbreaking.
I think I’m a decent person, but this all makes me wonder if there is something I’m doing subconsciously to make everyone dump me. It’s really tough on the self esteem.
I never had close friends growing up because I was always a sort of nerdy girl with my head in a book. I was not interested in fashion or other things girls are interested in. But I craved a close friend the whole time. Finally in college I met what I truly thought were a few lifelong close friends. They have all abandoned me since then, in spite of efforts on my part to maintain the friendships. I’ve pretty much given up and I try to be satisfied with casual friends. But it’s hard and Facebook is a poor substitute for a real friend. I really miss one particular friend (a gay male) from college, but he does not seem to care about me. This in spite of the fact that he confided many personal things to me years ago (and vice versa)- things I would ONLY confide in a very close friend. Maybe all my friendships were just illusions.
There are many posts on this blog about different ways to find new friends. You can use the search function at the right. Additionally, I have posted several pieces on the NBC Universal website Life Goes Strong that might be helpful:
Posts on Life Goes Strong on making and keeping friendships:
Hope you find something new worth trying!
Hi My name is Julie 48 and in a similar situation. Would love to connect and start getting out and meeting people.
I have not had a close friend for most of my adult life. I married, had two daughters, got divorced and feel so alone. Thank goodness I have my two daughters in my life but they are teenagers and will soon be gone. On the weekends they are with their father I am soooo alone and lonely. I found this website and found women in similiar situations, but the site doesn’t really say anything about how to make new friends. I have tried meetup.com but the groups tend to be younger. I just want someone to have lunch with or go to the movies.
Amazing so many in the same boat as me! I have, and have had many acquaintances at business groups, work, various kid related functions over the years. Many times I meet and connect with women there, have wonderful long, fun conversations…but when an occasion arises for me to suggest a get together, and I do, it never pans out. I have had 2 very close friendships, but both seemed to slowly drop me.
My husband and I have gone out to dinner numerous times with other couples…same thing…laughter, fun, good conversation, but with very few exceptions, we don’t get our invitations reciprocated.
We as a couple, and me by myself, never hound people, and also never expected the worst. For almost 20 years, I have always expected a close friendship, or a close couple friendship to be right around the corner. In a way I still am hopeful, but getting closer to acceptance.
I don’t buy the “jealousy” excuse, there are many women far more attractive than I am who have a ton of friends. There are also many women not as nice as me that have a ton of friends.
I have tried for years to “be a friend to have a friend”, and I won’t change that about myself….just don’t get it.
I was in the same boat. Husband disabled at home, friends don’t seem to “stick”. it’s hard work. what i found was meetup.com. there are groups everywhere for a zillion different things. I just took up skiing, and even if i don’t find a good friend i the group, there re multiple people to hang out with at a lot of events. there is everything from knitting to skydiving to prayer meetings on there – if you don’t find one you like, start one.
good luck hope this helps.
oh yah… i never moved when i was a kid…..
i seem to have a hard time making friends and keeping them. I’m not alone i have a hubby and two grown daughters and a sweet grand daughter but if i want to call someone to go out to lunch I’m out of luck…Even my sister-in-laws dont like me anymore…..i like me and can’t figure out why people in my town are so mean.
Omg I feel the Exact way, all the friend’s I had from high school and beyond just disappear and stop communicating with me. No matter how many times I try to keep up with my old friends by FB and phone calls. They always reject me. Right now I’m 26 soon 2b 27 so I feel like I miss out on all da social events girls night clubbing or going out to da mall or movies. It really hurts . Like u I had a very stable life and never had to deal w the experience of moving. So I really don’t know what it is. I know deep n my heart I’m kind, creative, funny, and very loyal. But it gets harder and harder to tell myself that when my so -called friends reject me .
I’m an INFP and I have never had a friend who was more like a soul mate. I love history, films, art, shopping and traveling. I don’t have any friends I’ve made as an adult. I have co-workers and my extroverted husbands women friends who don’t seem to like me much. Introverted women are different I think. We’re typically not girl chatty or bubbly and that unnerves those who are used to women being that way.
In fact, my boss complained that I wasn’t chatty and frequently ignores me and shows obvious favoritism for the ladies in the office who are bubbly and babbling. I always hear that I’m too quiet or that I’m hard to know. I don’t think that’s true. I know that I am slow to warm up and if you’re looking for gossip on me you won’t get it because I don’t readily divulge every detail of my life for public consumption.
There is something about you that is different from them, maybe you are better looking, or the wrong ethnicity or older or something. And, yes, maybe one of the girls has a crush on your man and is angry you’re in the picture.
I had a tough time of it with my SO’s women friends. I am of another ethnicity and attractive and some of their men took notice of this and liked to hug and flirt with me, to which these women did not take kindly to.
I have since married this man, so they have to accept me now. They are a lot nicer.
There isn’t anything wrong with you. I am not married and have been divorced for over 14 years and reside in Cheyenne where I have nobody but my son, my ex and his family but they are the family of my ex so when things go on, I am pretty much alone. I have casual friendships here but it is not the same as having someone to hang with and just go to star bucks with for coffee. I see the Facebook statuses when friends get together for weekends and girls nights and think, wow, I was never told or the excuses as to why I was not asked to go along. I have seen much more pettiness out of women in Cheyenne, unlike NYC where we are all on the same playing field. I am not into the partying at my age and would rather have a nice dinner or coffee than to be in the clubs and bars picking up random men.If you need a friend I am here. I am on Facebook but I am not sure how to Give you the info from here.
Jealousy and pettiness is part of living in a place where you are probably the prettiest girl in the room who carries herself like a lady. Also, you may want to talk to your boyfriend about what kind of relationships he has had with these females, it may be that they think you may be stepping on someones toes who might have had an interest in him and now that you are in the picture may want to make you feel like you have come between something. I know that you might have thought you made the right decision but I would never leave where I am comfortable for someone who is not my husband. I hope you do what is right for you and have a talk with your boyfriends and let him know how this makes you feel.
thats the question i often ask myself cause i don’t seem to be able to make any friends “anymore” or they start pulling away once they get to know me…..
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years to a military man which involved many moves and changes but now that we’re close to retirement and finally found our dream home i’m sitting here ALONE and feeling very very lonley cause i can’t seem to connect to anyone. My husband is currently on his 3rd iraq deployment and the kids have moved out already so its just me left at home which makes the lonlieness even worse cause there’s only silence around me. I have always been someone that is there for everyone but at times i feel taken advantage of from my so called friends to the point where i recently even cut ties with some of my “old” friends cause they only remembered i was alive when they needed me to do something for them and frankly i’m tired of being used!! I dream of having a best friend that i can sit and talk with, go to the movies or go on road trips every now and then…….i often wonder if my expectations are unrealistic but the even sadder thing is i know i use to have friends like that (germany and usa) when i was younger but throughout all the moving all my good friends are now scattered pretty much all over the world and i have to start from scratch again =( sometimes i wonder if its my fear of losing more friends makes me subcontiously reject people. all i know is that i’m sad that i don’t have anyone and yes my hubby is my best friend but thats different cause sometimes a woman needs another womans input……..I feel like i’m on a deserted island and no one is coming to rescue me or even looking for me =((
i took the personality test and i came out to be
” ENFJ-Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging” and one of the trademarks it said to have was ”
Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.”…..i guess i’m a hopeless case
I am from NYC and I am almost 47 years old. I moved from NYC to Cheyenne Wyoming about 7 years ago, moved back to NYC where I had all my friends and family and just moved back to Cheyenne about 3 months ago. I am divorced and my ex husband has been born and raised out here where he has plenty of friends and family. I however have had a difficult time, I have one son who is Autistic and in school so I have a great deal on my plate. I have not been able to connect with people out here because of the cliquish clannish attitudes of the people. I am not into the drinking and the partying because I am 47 and that is just not what I am about at this point in my life. I have met some women out here and they say they consider me a good friend, but when it comes to outings and girls nights out, my invites get lost in the mail for some reason.I have to see all of this posted on Facebook and it stings when I see the pictures posted knowing that I know everyone in the pics and the fact that I get left out of things. I am not happy here and if it were not for my son, I would not be here. I would be in NYC where I belong and where I have many friends and family. I have opinions and I speak my mind and women out here are pretty much behind a man and cant seem to think for themselves or do anything for themselves. I am mixed race and here it is either Mexican or White and I do not fit into the scheme of things in a place that seems way behind the times.
While I had only 3 moves during childhood – we were that family (you know the one) that you just weren’t allowed to associate with. It took me until highschool for people to realize that I was of a different mold & so was accepted by a few. Most of the time I was an outcast due to our “image”. Each time I moved it was a chance to start over! And it would go well until the neighbors started talking. In fact as an adult I’m sort of quiet about my particulars (name of highschool, maiden name, where I’m from, etc.). I don’t need for my children to face that also. For me it has become finally sort of funny – and I can laugh a little at the ridiculousness of those small people.
Liz
I just had to add a comment on what it’s like to NOT move around in childhood. My family has lived in the same small, gossipy town for four generations; my parents and grandparents went to the same school as me, et cetera. This may sound great, but the fact is, unless your parents and family are “model citizens” and well-liked by everyone in town, which would not be my family. My parents were sort of “black sheep” and had few friends. I didn’t have trouble making friends as a kid, but didn’t keep most of them for more than a few years. I was also an ugly duckling in elementary and middle school and so was made fun of by the “popular” girls (whose parents were all friends, not coincidentally).
In high school, I grew out of my ugly duckling phase and people I didn’t go to school with often told me how pretty i was. However, the same girls who had made fun of me in third grade continued to do so, although I was now hotter than they were.
Basically, people always remember their first impressions of you. If you grow up with the same people around you, you will forever be remembered as the person you were in elementary school, not who you have become as you grow up. It is very hard to break out of the cast other people have put you in and known you in, especially as a naive kid.
I used to DREAM of moving to a new town so that I could meet some new people, whose parents hadn’t grown up with my parents and who didn’t know my family’s history for the last 50 years.
Did I mention I haven’t lived there since I was 18 and I have been tremendously happier since?
The only reason I still try to make friends is for the sake of my two daughters. I moved around a lot, am an INTJ, had a great group of friends at my first school, but from 4th grade forward, had less and less friends, and the friends I did have were often not right for me – many one-sided, unbalanced relationships. My parents were totally indifferent and distant, and also had no friends. The greatest trait that they ingrained in their children was judgement of self and others.
I have been trying to make friends since moving to this new neighborhood a year and some months ago, but I can literally watch as initial interest from women disintegrates into distance. I watch as women I have introduced quickly become close and ignore me. I don’t get it. I do not “try too hard” – I’m just my normal self, save that I am outside of my comfort zone and making an effort to find common ground. I have an interesting job, an active mind, a passion for life, am not hideous to look at…
Now that I read this about moving frequently, I just feel like I was ruined, damaged, and it makes me feel less instead of more hopeful. I want my girls to have a role model that I never had, but what am I modeling now? How to be friendly and get shot down? My oldest is showing signs already (5 yrs old) of not connecting well, and getting pushed outside the circle. This, in spite of how sweet and charming she is, and it breaks my heart.
I must be a glutton for punishment, as onward I trudge.
This makes so much sense to me right now! I have been searching for an answer to why it is so hard to make loyal friends. Not only is it hard for me, but when I do finally connect, it tends to be with someone I am not really compatible with. ?? My mother moved a lot as a single mother and I found myself always being the “New” kid in school. So it lead me to a person of few words. The thing is I love talking:-) as long as someone is listening:-0 Even on FB i feel as if Im being rejected… i just don’t get it. How can you get rejected online???lol Anyway, now that i have two beautiful little girls Im tryin everything in my power to avoid them this destiny…. true it is peaceful, but it is sooo lonely:-(
Hi there,
Just wanted to say *thank you* for your post! I was just browsing through this blog, which I’m so happy I discovered because it makes me feel as though I’m not completely alone in the world.
It is so refreshing to hear another woman express how tedious it can be to hear about other people’s kids/marriages. I am 35 and in a relationship but have never been married and have no kids. I don’t know how to relate to the constant kid talk. It does makes me feel very left out and lacking, as well as gives me the feeling that I can’t relate. I completely understand what you mean about such women’s identities being completely tied up in marriage and motherhood.
As a woman, I get the sense that you’re “supposed” to be so interested in other people’s kids/grandkids even if you really aren’t.
Anyway, thanks again for your great suggestion!
I stumbled upon this site tonight and happy that I did!!! As a child, I didn’t move and grew up with the same set of people. I had a few friends, but not a whole lot. Now that I’m an adult, I use to have sooo many wonderful friends, but now where are they??? I’m sooo alone!!! I don’t know what I’ve done!!! It seems that I can no longer keep any type of friendship without someome rejecting me out of their lives?? Even my own sister is doing this. I don’t know what is wrong with me or why this is happening??? I’m very easy to get along with and am very loyal!!! I don’t know how to socialize with anyone anymore because this just keeps happening to me!!!! I’m sooo tired of it and depressed about it that I don’t know what to do!!!!
Hello! Im 22. My Dad was in the RAF and so I moved house every year or so throughout my childhood. I always settled in to my new schools quickly and made friends in the RAF schools as everybody was in the same boat as me! However when my Dad left the RAF and we continued to move around I found it a real struggle to settle in to new schools and make friends. I have always felt as though I wanted the friendships to work more than the other person. I always found it easier to make friends with boys. I am not one for drama or catty chit chat, but I am very laid back and love a good giggle and a dance! I dont drink much, only a couple when I go out, I dont smoke either. I have never been on a girly holiday, as I have never had a group of friends to do so with. However I would love a girly hol!!Through my adult years I have found my wonderful Fiance and we have moved around a bit too! (four places in two years) and I have just moved back to where my parents are living. I guess its time to put some roots down, but I am worried that I will never make a close female friend?! I have a few “friends” but generally I feel as though I only see and speak to them when I put the effort in. I have nobody that I could meet up with for a chat and a cuppa, and nobody that I could ring for advice etc, and nobody to go out with on a friday night for a boogie! My other half has a massive group of friends. I feel very lonely!
To Anonymous (who wrote, “Excellent comment. I am…”)
Thank you for being understanding about my post. I was afraid that some women may find it offensive, which was not my intent.
It’s just a friendly (though direct) reminder for lonely married ladies or ladies with kids/ grand kids that you may be unknowingly pushing away potential new (as in single, no kids) women with lots and lots (and lots!) of the kid or hubby talk.
And by not taking an interest in the single/no kids lady by asking her questions about her life.
I was in a similar situation to this when I was younger, too.
In my early 20s, I had a college friend, same age, who got married in a civil ceremony and who was planning a church wedding.
At first, I was truly happy for her, but as a lonely, single, 21 year old who wanted her own boyfriend, I found the constant talk (which went on over a period of months) about her new husband / upcoming wedding depressing.
And she didn’t seem to notice or care, even when I dropped a polite hint.
(To Anonymous): Hmm, maybe we need to swap elderly relatives!
)
I know what you mean about the bogus e -mails being shown false by Snopes.
I have an elderly uncle who only recently got computer savvy and on the web, and I’m all the time getting stale, ten year old web jokes forwarded to me, or else urban legends (some aren’t political, just other stuff) that were debunked by Snopes years ago. LOL
I’m pretty laid back about the hot button topics.
I have one Aunt and another family member whose politics are totally different from mine, but even when discussing it, we get along just fine.
I’d be willing to settle for discussion about art, pets, less controversial news topics, or movies. Anything but constant husband / kid / grand kid talk.
I wonder if ONE reason why some people avoid talking about politics and even current events is because of the WAY that people nowdays tend to discuss these issues–thanks (or no thanks) to cable TV loudmouths who pose as journalists and thanks to Internet forums where people clash over “discussions” with opposing viewpoints. You know, the old “culture wars” and “polarizing politics.” Cable TV and the Internet have made people opinionated but not necessarily well informed. I am still personally reeling from an elderly aunt who used to talk and e-mail about her grandkids. Then she got turned on to a certain cable TV news show and became a participant in those e-mail chains that get sent around to seemingly everyone that whip people up into an anger over some issue. It’s very “us versus them.” And the chain e-mails usually have incorrect information (usually debunked by Snopes). I would give an arm and a leg for those days when my aunt would just discuss her grandkids. Now she never talks about anything except things going on in current events or politics that pit one side against the other. She has become really quite angry, though is in denial about it. Her opinions have not changed over the decades. But before the INternet and cable news, she never really discussed current events in such a dogmatic way. I don’t think she’s alone; and I don’t think this attitude has much to do with her being a senior. I’ve seen it in younger people and middle aged. I think it’s people who are kind of addicted to having their views validated by any Tom, Dick, or Harry(or Harriet) who spouts those same views loudly and repeatedly. Anyway … my point is, I think many of us (including myself) are so tired of this kind of discussion that we avoid discussing current events and certainly politics. Of course that doesn’t excuse people from avoiding talking about art and books and hobbies.
Excellent comment.
I am married with a pre-teen daughter and frankly, I love to discuss other topics in depth when away. I also get bored by talks about relationships and children.
“My experience so far has been that such women usually do not discuss politics, art, movies, or television shows.”
I have run into this to. I wonder why?
I have many gay male friends and love them!
My group of male friends aren’t swallow, into fashion or gossipy. According to them and from my observation it is also rare to find others not obsessed with trendy fashion and catty attitudes.
I’d look to make friends in what interests you. We all bonded over music, politics, and art. We all despise catty, gossipy shallow behavior in women and men.
Avoid trying to make friends from nightclubs, or hang around drama queens. It will only stress you out.
Good luck!