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When an old friend calls out of the blue

January 6, 2017 | By | 6 Replies Continue Reading
An old friend calls out of the blue and a young teen wonders whether she should jump back into the friendship.

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

So my question is should I try and salvage a relationship with my best friend?

We have been friends since seventh grade until we graduated. She decided I shouldn’t go to her graduation because an old mutual friend that I had a falling out with was going. We had been planning our graduations out and checking dates to make sure we could go to each other’s graduations since we found out I was going to be home schooled for high school.

It has been seven months since we have spoken and out of the blue she calls. She asked for me to forgive her but I don’t know if I want to or if I should believe her when she says she’s sorry. Any advice?

Signed, Jessica

ANSWER

Hi Jessica,

After a long period has elapsed, it’s natural that once-friends would move on and feel like the friendship has ended. So it had to come as a surprise when your friend called out of the blue.

When someone disappoints us, we usually become somewhat skeptical of the friendship. A few questions that might help guide your decision about whether or not to forgive her:

  • Do you miss this friendship?
  • Did you feel like her apology was sincere?
  • Do you understand why she disinvited you?
  • Was this a one-time disappointment, or one of a string of disappointments?

People do learn and grow, becoming better people and better friends in the process. Weighing the pros and cons, only you can decide if you want to give the friend another chance.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene


Previously on The Friendship Blog:

I’ve mourned her loss once; should I give the friendship another chance? 

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Category: Making up after breaking up

Comments (6)

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  1. Anonymous says:

    I agree with what Liz said. Is your friend still close to this person that she left you out over? I have to wonder if something did not happen between the two of them and now she is trying to mend fences with you. I am sure she misses you but I would find out what her motivation is before you open yourself up to this friendship again. I hope that she is sincere and truly sorry for hurting you. The old adage is very true. Sometimes we hurt the ones we are closest to. That doesnt make this okay though. Tread cautiously.

  2. batphink says:

    I don;t know if its that much different as a man but I’ve had friendships like this most of my life.I never claim to be perfect but I will always be honest to a fault though do try to watch in case this hurts someone but am the most loyal and non demanding type.
    However I have had more than my share of drama,ego battles and slander.I have forgiven some friends more times than I can count and when I reach my limit I move on as politely but firmly as possible,sometimes you have to especially at my age.

  3. Mighty says:

    Its really a hard decision to make.
    In your case, I guess its a new experience.
    My friend, of 7 years, did this to me a several times and just when I thought its over he’ll pop up.
    I’d tell myself that I’m never letting him back in my life but fail. As we speak, I have decided to part ways with him. And accepted that others will stay and others will go.
    Deep down in my heart, I wish he’d say Hi again 🙁 cause I love and miss him. But other part of me is really at rest from being hurt and stuff. I’m happy cause I still got those I have.

    So rather be at rest than wonder if they’ll disappear again or what.
    Good luck dear.

  4. LauraSL says:

    Friendships and alliances can change quickly for young people. Sometimes friends make hurtful choices because of their own insecurities. I would meet up with her with an open mind and hear her out.

  5. Liz says:

    I agree with what AmyF said, and would add that one of the things I consider before reuniting with a former/lost friend is whether or not the issue that caused our break up has been resolved. If the problem has not been resolved, it will just come up again and there will be drama.

    She left you out over another friend that you had issues with. Is she still close with that person? Have you mended fences with that person? Will there be problems again? At least have this conversation before going back into the friendship. See what she says.

  6. Amy F says:

    What do you lose by believing her apology and proceeding cautiously with your heart? Even if she turns out to have been less sincere than she claimed, will you be sorry you gave her the benefit of doubt?

    What do you have to lose by staying angry and not giving her a chance? What do you have to gain?

    Giving her a chance is a risk to your heart, incase reconciling doesn’t work. Not giving her a chance is safer, but there isn’t a reward for being right about your decision.

    To me the bigger question is whether the relationship was worth possibly handling feeling conflict. Most relationships have some conflict, especially long term ones. If you choose to marry, your spouse will eventually hurt you and you will hurt your spouse. It’s inevitable. If you have children, you will eventually hurt your child and your child will hurt you, but hopefully you’ll move on. Consider this practice for your future, no matter what you choose.

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