workplace

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I took a new job and became friendly with a woman named Gina. Gina told me about her past mistakes and seemed very consumed with guilt over them. In the spirit of sympathy, I told Gina that what was done so long ago should be forgiven and that I certainly don't feel that she deserves to be condemned. Then I went on to tell her of a past mistake of mine, and that it was past and I didn't feel guilty over something that was done 30 years ago.

 

We had many conversations on breaks and a lot of information was shared. Well, yesterday at work, my boss warned me to be careful what I told Gina, and that all that I told her was repeated to the entire office! Of course I will now watch what I say more closely, but I'm mortified! How do I come back from this (if ever) at this job? I had hoped to make a friend or two and now just look like an idiot.

Signed,
Margie

 

ANSWER

Dear Margie:

I know you have a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach right now. That's understandable-but things aren't as bad as they seem. In your efforts to make a new friend at work, you inadvertently fell prey to an office gossipmonger, someone who habitually brokers information about others to enhance her own sense of self-importance. Since your boss came to warn you about her, he already knows about Gina and her M.O. (modus operandi)---and doesn't have much respect for her.

 

You can't take back the things you said to Gina. But unless you shared really juicy tidbits, I presume that the rest of the office staff will soon forget about anything they've heard---especially since Gina seems to have a reputation as a gossip (even the boss knows about her!). Focus on doing your job and expanding your office contacts, slowly, so Gina becomes just one office acquaintance among many. This might also be a time to nurture close and trusting friendships outside the office.

 

Clearly, you can't trust Gina again. Depending on what feels more comfortable for you, you can either cut off all non-essential contact with her entirely or calmly tell her that you hope she'll keep whatever you've told her in the past in confidence as you're concerned about your reputation at a new workplace.

 

While this was a hard lesson, it will make you more cautious in the future, which is a good thing. It's always prudent to build friendships slowly to make sure that you can trust a person before sharing too many intimacies. This is especially true in the workplace because you have fewer options in terms of being able to step away from the relationship without threatening your employment.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A little more than a year ago I began a friendship with a female co-worker. We are both married and it never went beyond the friendship stage nor did either or us want it to. It started off simple enough, she knew I was into photography and she suspected a problem with her camera and asked me to take it for a while and see if I could find anything wrong.

 

The friendship grew to the point where we were taking most of our breaks together and we spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. We started at the job within a few months of each other and were both the "new kids" in the group and I think we tended to bond over that. She had numerous issues with management and came to me in tears two times because she felt she was being mistreated.

 

We already had a friendly relationship by that time and had exchanged hugs on occasion; I held her and let her cry on my shoulder. The friendship also grew outside of work and we had several get-togethers with our significant others: day trips to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, hiking in some local parks, and dinners at local restaurants as well at each of our houses. We always sat together during meetings at work and I think it was obvious to the rest of the staff that we enjoyed each other's company.

 

I went away for a two-week vacation at the end of October and she expressed concern several times as to how she would survive while I was gone. She wished I wasn't going and that she could go with me. I know people just say those things but she seemed more concerned than normal. She gave me a big hug the day I left and an even bigger one on the day I returned saying she was glad I was back.

 

Around the end of November, she did a complete 180 on me. I expressed concern that our friendship was falling apart. She said that I worried too much and we would always be friends. A few days later that changed into her not liking her job, not being able to separate me from it, and that she wanted me to just leave her alone.

 

I knew that she was having issues with the boss and she felt like he was always watching her. A few days later, when he was out for the day, I asked if we could get together for a few minutes to talk. Her response was simply "Leave me alone."

 

For Christmas, I sent her a photo book that had a lot of photos of her and her husband at various places we had visited in the past year. When I got back to work the week after Christmas I got a call from HR saying that she had filed a complaint against me. The complaint was initiated in response to the photo book but she also dragged in e-mails that she felt were inappropriate and told them that she never wanted to go out on breaks with me and she felt pressured into this and felt she could not say no. I never had any indication that she was less than happy going on breaks with me and she never said anything to me about my e-mails being inappropriate. I considered us friends and the e-mails (all but one of them to non-work e-mail accounts) were friendly e-mails. She underlined things like Do you have time for a friend? Or I miss the closeness we shared and one that I signed with a virtual hug.

 

I am still waiting for the final decision from HR but for the time being we have simply been told to not have any contact with each other. We are both at work and it is very difficult for me right now. I try to avoid her as much as possible and wait to be sure she is in her office before I leave mine.

 

I don't know how this friendship went from best friend to worst enemy on her side so quickly and I have no idea what I could have done to cause this since she won't tell me. I have had problems with depression myself in the past and this episode has me back on meds for that; it helps with the pain but not my inability to understand any of this. I don't understand how she could have been my friend, how we could have been so close and how it has ended up like this.

Signed,
Depressed in Boston

 

ANSWER

Dear Depressed in Boston:

Your story is sad and hard to grasp for me, too. You say that you were "just friends" with this woman-in and out of the office-for almost a year and then the relationship seemed to deteriorate for no apparent reason.

 

My sense is that there had to be something that was going on in her personal life that you don't know about. Perhaps, her husband began to feel threatened by her office friendship. Or perhaps, while you were away on vacation, she realized that she had become more attached to you emotionally than was comfortable for her. I don't know the answers to these questions or whether I'm even raising the right possibilities. You probably don't either. The truth may be something she is unwilling to tell you or something that she doesn't fully understand herself.

 

That said, she made a unilateral decision to dump you and sealed the deal with a visit to HR. Then she began to collect "evidence" to build a case that your advances were unwelcome and had crossed the boundaries of a collegial relationship.

 

You haven't mentioned your response to HR and what they are "deciding." If the charges are serious and/or your job is in jeopardy, it would be wise to consult with an attorney. I'm also wondering how you handled this situation with your wife. Have you been able to be candid with her so you could depend on her for support? Finally, have you been totally forthcoming and honest with yourself in terms of your expectations of this friendship?

 

Clearly, you have no option now but to step back from the relationship with your co-worker and to limit any contact. Do not send her any emails or text messages at the office or at home.

 

Focus on maintaining your performance at work and on making sure you comply with any conditions that have been set forth by your employer. It's important that you work through your feelings about this upsetting situation outside the office: either with your wife, a trusted friend, or a mental health professional. If they have worked for you in the past, an antidepressant may be of help. If you feel the need and have the opportunity, you may want to transfer to another unit of your organization or change employment.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to accept that you may never have a complete understanding of what happened, just your side of the equation, and that you need to pick up the pieces as best you can and move forward.

I hope that this helps a little.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

I was a close friend with a co-worker for 5 years. At one point, she had a huge fight with a mutual co-worker, someone with emotional problems with whom I remained friends. She wasn't comfortable with the other woman; the stress between the two of them was palpable. I really don't blame her for that.

 

Anyway, my friend and I used to share an office and got quite close until she left for a while. When she returned, she got a nice promotion and seemed very busy. While she was gone, I got a new office mate and struck up other office friendships. A group of us regularly go for drinks and occasional lunches.

 

For at least a month, I sensed a vibe from her of not being very friendly toward me. I probably didn't reach out to her like I should have but I have had personal issues (surviving my cancer, depression in my family, and a mom with dementia in a nursing home) that make some days a challenge just to get through.

 

I went to her a couple of days ago and asked if something was wrong. She told me she was disappointed that I wasn't the friend she thought. She said that everything was about me---I never asked how things were going with her, etc. Basically, she said she didn't consider me a friend any longer but would work with me without any problems. She also said I spend my time with the "others" and never reached out to her (although I have not gotten an invite from her for a while). She's had similar episodes and ended two other close friendships.

 

I will admit I did get lazy, but not intentionally. As I said, my energy level is not at its highest. She is not well-liked around the office, known as a troublemaker and gossip, and I had often found myself defending her work and work decisions. When we were friends, I always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway, I was pretty upset, after she insinuated that I was a piece of crap as a friend. I told her that I had been extremely busy lately, was sick, etc. I also told her that life is short and if people are really friends, they should get past that. I sent her a short email later expressing that, too.

 

I feel really badly--and guilty. Am I an evil, selfish, all-about-me person? I never meant to hurt or disappoint her. We were like kids sometimes, giggling and having a good time, and I miss her company. I am guessing the best thing to do is to step back and hold off asking her to lunch, as it would seem fake at this point. I'm also vowing to never establish a work friendship again-it is just too difficult if it doesn't work out.

Signed,
Sad Sara

 

ANSWER

Hi Sara,

 

Your letter raises two basic questions: 1) Are you responsible for the uncomfortable relationship with your co-worker? and 2) Should you avoid future friendships at work based on this experience?

 

First, it's understandable that you would feel awkward when a close friendship falls apart and you have to see the other person every day at work. Yet under the best of circumstances, your friend was high-maintenance. She was volatile, possessive of you, and tended to get into conflicts with co-workers. It sounds like you overlooked a lot of negatives to maintain the friendship. You tried to resolve the misunderstanding and handled yourself as well as one might expect.

 

Given everything that has happened in your life recently, you have every reason to be less patient and less tolerant of a friendship that is weighing you down. Your inability to navigate this difficult relationship doesn't make you a bad friend. If anything, you should feel a bit miffed at her. Does your friend even realize that you are coping with a lot right now and may need support rather than more demands placed on you?

 

In terms of the second question, workplace friendships can have their upsides and downsides so they need to be handled cautiously. Of course, befriending a known troublemaker greatly increases the risk of potential problems. You need to step back and concentrate on taking care of yourself-focusing primarily on your work, at work. Maintain a cordial and professional relationship with your once-close friend and don't give up all your other office relationships because of one bad egg.

 

Hope this is helpful.

Best,

Irene

 

Have a friendship dilemma? Send it to The Friendship Doctor. New feature: You can also call in your problem using Google Voice, see sidebar on right.

 

 

 

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I've been friends for three years with a guy at my office. We became friends after a really rough period in which I was demoted, isolated, and treated quite shabbily, though I couldn't afford to leave and wasn't in the best psychological state to do so (like, I was in need of health-insurance-paid therapy to restore myself). Only after laying a potential legal case before HR did I get the option of working in a different area at our office, with a different group, and things have stabilized. Our friendship helped me endure those dark days. We had spontaneous, one-on-one happy hours and bull sessions on the way home (since we live a few blocks from each other), dinners, etc. He's worked at our office a decade, in the somewhat protective bubble of our IT department, and has seen it all.

 

Just to clarify things: He is gay, and I am a heterosexual woman, so no crushes there. We are both moderate introverts who value our privacy and down time, though my friend acts way more outgoing than he really is. We tend to keep our "circles" of friends separate, and we prefer to keep our intimate (platonic) relationship at work quiet, as well as our outside interests. We work in a high-powered, hyper-aggressive, alpha male-dominated environment that is rife with sex, race, and age discrimination, and those who haven't been driven out by that know each other, though none of us really have much in common. My friend and I became friends because we did.

 

In any case, lately my friend has adopted this "I love you, now go away" persona that's testing my patience. Every few months I get the occasional drunk dial about how much he wants to be a good friend and sees me as a "little sister," but then, when I reach out and offer to do something nice for him, or just want to spend time, I get the wall of silence - like unreturned text messages and phone calls (like once a week), or avoidance at the office.

 

He said he wanted to travel to California with me for my birthday a few days, yet when it came time to commit the money a couple of weeks before, he "disappeared." Then he seemed offended after I returned, know that I took another good friend of mine with me. I didn't even give him any crap about it, though I certainly felt like it.

 

This back and forth has been going on for months. Still we see each other everyday, though there's more distance, but it remains cordial. It seems he's perfectly content to engage me when it's convenient for him, and while I enjoy his company when this happens, I feel kind of used. When we do talk, he dominates the conversation and listens little, either about me or about the advice that he asks me for about his own slightly frenetic life. He tends to complain that many, but not all, of his friends, some of whom are "in the life," are superficial, expect too much, and give too little. He says some judge him more harshly now because he's gained weight and is over 40.

 

Yet I see on Facebook and elsewhere that he has no problems "festing" with these same folks, or helping to save them from themselves in some way. Fine, that's his business, but here I am, a friend who accepts him for who he is, and I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I'm trying to give him a chance, but I don't even feel like waiting around for his next "appearance" to tell him that this behavior is killing the vibe. As an introvert, it's not easy doing the emotional miner's work to cultivate rich, long-lasting friendships. I've had so-called friends treat me like this before, though some years ago, so I've developed surgical precision in cutting people off once I'm done. He's tap dancing on that edge of no-man's land, here. What would you recommend?

Signed,
Ella

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Ella:

It sounds like you had a really close and easy relationship with your friend, which was especially important to you at a time when you were having so many difficulties at work. So I can understand your disappointment when such a satisfying and significant relationship suddenly changes and your friend becomes mercurial, distant, and not very reliable.

 

I suspect that something (or a series of things) has transpired in his life that he hasn't told you about; he, himself, may not even be consciously aware of what's happening. You mention that he's gained weight, is drinking too much, and is making inappropriate late-night calls. He's feeling judged by others and feels like the people around him are letting him down. He's just reached his 40th birthday, which may be a time when he's assessing what he's accomplished in his own life. He may be depressed.

 

You need to talk to him and communicate your concerns about him and your friendship. Let him know how these changes are affecting your relationship and that you feel badly about it. This will open the door for him to talk to you more openly if he chooses to---if not, at least he will think about what you have told him.

 

I know this has to hit you particularly hard because you have invested a lot of yourself in the relationship but it sounds like the issues have more to do with him than with you, per se. If you can't communicate, he may just need some time to struggle with what's bothering him and come out the other end.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

Have a question about friendship? Send it to The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Hello Irene,

I recently lost a best friend whom I'll call "Y." Another friend, "K," approached me to organize a Halloween party at my house a few weeks ago. I agreed with one condition: She had to help me with food, drinks, etc. I invited my other friends, including my best friend "Y."

 

I didn't ask my BF or any other guests for help because I felt that I should take care of the planning with "K." My BF didn't seem too excited about the party from the beginning. She didn't want to dress up and I told her she didn't have to.

 

As it turned out, my BF felt that I excluded her from the party planning and decided not to go. I talked to her about it on the Monday following the Saturday night party. She was mad and didn't want to talk. I apologized for making her feel left out and tried to explain why I didn't ask her for help. I guess an apology wasn't enough. We work together and we used to take breaks and have lunch together. Since the day I tried to apologize, she's avoided me. I've asked her to take breaks with me and she's said no. She is taking her lunch at a different time; I think she doesn't want to see me.

 

I stopped asking her or trying to talk to her. Am I doing the right thing? Should I keep insisting or move on? It's so hard for me to accept that our friendship is over. Please advise what to do. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Moira

 

ANSWER

Dear Moira:

What seems like a minor slight to one friend can be blown out of proportion by another. For example, some BFs want exclusive relationships and can't tolerate the idea of sharing their BF with anyone else. It sounds like "Y" was hurt and jealous that you planned the party with "K" and that she, as your BF, didn't play a prominent role in the event. Perhaps, "Y" is a one-woman woman.

 

Some people, especially those who are shy, don't enjoy dressing up for Halloween or being with large groups. You say that your BF was unenthusiastic about the whole idea of the party from the beginning. Perhaps, she's not a party animal and felt a disconnect with you because you are more social.

 

The misunderstanding about the party, by itself, doesn't carry enough weight to be an automatic "friendship-killer." You didn't intentionally try to hurt her and the apology you made was timely and sincere. Could it be that there was something else going on all along between you, prior to this incident? Do you think she may have seized upon this minor slight as an excuse to end the friendship?

 

It's always uncomfortable when there is a schism between two close friends, especially if they work together. Call or send your BF an email saying that you miss her friendship and ask her if you can make plans for dinner together so you can talk it through. If she doesn't respond, it sounds like you've gone as far as you can in trying to patch up a slight that became magnified for reasons you can't fathom.

 

Regardless of how she responds, try to be cordial and friendly because you both need to maintain a sense of professionalism in the workplace.

Best,
Irene

It's easy to get caught up in gossip. A friend or colleague starts talking about someone you both know. She lays out some juicy information you haven't heard before, almost baiting you to chime in. Whether it's true or not, you reflexively up the ante by spilling a rumor you recently heard about that person, too. Later, you wonder why you responded that way or even regret that you got sucked into the conversation.

 

To some extent, it's human nature to talk about mutual acquaintances and most chitchat is innocuous. When two friends pass along information about other people within the context of a confidential, trusting relationship, it gives them a chance to vent and, perhaps, even to avoid and work out problems.

 

However, pleasant chitchat morphs into nasty gossip when it's characterized by critical comments that are unnecessary and, perhaps, untrue---uttered or whispered behind someone's back for no good reason. Spreading rumors and making innuendos can be hurtful and destructive, reflecting poorly not only on the target but also on the purveyor. Yet, because the temptation is strong, especially in the workplace, people are commonly placed in the uncomfortable position of listening to or engaging in gossip, feeling awkward but not knowing what to do.

 

A study by sociologists Tim Hallett, Donna Eder, and Brent Harger of Indiana University, published in the October issue of the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, hints at some ways to redirect negative gossip. While it wasn't the researchers' intent at the onset of their study, they wound up videotaping 25 incidences of gossip that cropped up in their recordings of 13 teacher-led formal staff meetings, which were each about 40 minutes long.

 

The meetings took place over two years during a difficult managerial transition at the school, offering a unique laboratory to examine "gossip" systematically. The researchers found that negative gossip can be "subtly derailed" in three ways: by changing the subject, by targeting someone else, and by pre-empting criticism with positive comments.

 

When people are jockeying for positions and power, being able to broker "inside" information can offer an employee a valuable edge. However, the use of gossip comes with a price. If a woman or a group becomes the target of unflattering or untrue gossip, or gets a reputation for trafficking in gossip, it can derail careers and poison the work environment.

 

Thus, managers need to find ways to promote informal communication while minimizing destructive gossip and knife-in-the-back criticism that impairs relationships, lowers morale, and decreases productivity. These outcomes can be averted if appropriate avenues are provided so employees can informally discuss work and relationship problems with their supervisors and amongst colleagues.

 

So back to friendship: Next time you find yourself in a group of gossips, you don't have to passively accept it. You can use some of the simple techniques described above to seize control of the conversation and curb potentially hurtful gossip. Have any other ideas of your own?

 

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I discovered that most of them have an extraordinarily difficult time ending their friendships, even very toxic ones. It's not surprising. Like divorce, the potential losses can be staggering, extending well beyond the friendship per se.

 

That's because when two women are close, they tend to draw others into their circle: family members, neighbors, co-workers, and other friends. For example, if you're best friends with your neighbor, the chances are pretty good that your school-age children are friends, too. The kids may even be the raison d'être for the friendship. If you end your friendship, what repercussions will it have on them? Will they still feel comfortable having play dates? How will you feel when you see your ex-friend at a PTA meeting or on the soccer field?

 

If your friendship was centered in the workplace, there are also substantial risks of collateral damage. If you break off with a colleague, will you lose her support on work matters? Will you feel uncomfortable if you're assigned to work on the same project team or each time you pass her in the hall? Will other people around you, who knew how close you once were, feel awkward or ask questions? Might she say something that would irreparably impugn your reputation? If your ex-friend is in a supervisory role, could it pose a threat to your employment?

Any breakup extends beyond the two people directly involved. The longer and the closer the friendship, the more ties and connections there are to worry about: You may have introduced your friend to your other friends, to your extended family, or to other business associates. She's probably become a significant part of your little corner of the world.

 

So when you weigh the pros and cons of ending a friendship, don't overlook the possible side effects of the breakup and take them into account in making your decision. If you ultimately decide to proceed, do everything you can to mitigate the damage:

• Leave gracefully without harsh words or recrimination. Treat your ex-friend with respect simply because she once was your friend.

• Let her down easily by distancing yourself gradually. Perhaps, you can cut back on your time together from once a day to once a week, or you can downgrade a close friendship to a more casual one.

• Try to make it easier for the people around you by communicating what's happening, if appropriate, without going into details.

 

Admittedly, no two friendships are the same nor are the circumstances surrounding a breakup, but going about it with forethought, understanding and sensitivity helps everyone better adjust to the loss.