women

The dirty little secret no one talks about...

 

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don't last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there's a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

 

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure---relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets---our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings---resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

 

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it's not surprising that friendships fray. Anne's story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

 

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

 

1) Communicate

There's a wall of silence between you. She isn't answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven't seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there's any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what's wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

 

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong-or who didn't do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn't going to work.

 

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

 

4) Take a break

You've approached your friend to sort out the problem and you've been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

 

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

 

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren't clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they're likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about---except on The Friendship Blog.com.

 

This post, by me, is the third in a weeklong series of posts by the bloggers involved in The Friendship Circle as part of The Month of Friendship. The blogs include: Girlfriendology, GirlfriendCelebrations, GirlfriendCircles, MWFSeekingBFF, and TheFriendshipBlog.

 

 

 

 

 

Deirdre Madden's most recent novel, Molly Fox's Birthday (Picador, 2010), is a beautifully written story that aptly conveys the complexity of a woman's emotional bonds with her family and friends. The story is focused on a single day in the life of an unnamed narrator, a playright who is staying over at the Dublin home of her closest friend of 20 years, an actress named Molly Fox. The narrator is trying to work on her latest play, but keeps getting distracted and winds up doing far more reminiscing and thinking than writing.

 

I was honored to conduct this interview via email with Deirdre, an acclaimed Irish novelist, to have her respond to some questions about the book, about writing, and about her own friendships. Molly Fox's Birthday was a nominee for the prestigious Orange Prize for Fiction.

 

Irene:
Why did you choose to tell your story within the confines of a single day in the life of the main character?

Deirdre:
A book that was very much in my mind when I was writing Molly Fox's Birthday was Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway. I liked the balance between the past and the present, and it seemed like a good model, a good way to arrange the material. My writing tends to be quite introspective and is concerned with memory rather than being active and narrative-driven. Setting the novel over a single day allowed for these elements to find a suitable balance.

 

Irene:
Why did you leave the main character unnamed?

Deirdre:
I liked the idea of knowing a great deal about a character - pretty much her whole life story - and yet not knowing her name. Usually it's the other way round: when you present or describe someone, the first thing you say is ‘This is...' and you name her. So it was a way of holding something back, of signalling a bit of distance between the reader and the narrator. On the same subject, when writing a novel, often you know that you've got to grips with a character when you've got a name for them that you know really suits.

 

Irene:
Is the narrator's flow of thoughts, procrastination, and writer's block something you've experienced first-hand?

Deirdre:
When you're writing a novel there are times, particularly at the start of the project, when, I find, you need to be quite passive and vague. You need to be receptive, to day-dream a bit, to follow stray thoughts that might or might not lead somewhere and become useful. The trick is to know when to move on from that phase to a more focused and active mindset. If you don't get it right, you do end up wasting time and procrastinating, stuck on something that's going nowhere. I suspect that sooner or later most writers go through something similar to the narrator's creative problems in Molly Fox's Birthday. You just keep going and you get through it.

 

Irene:
Do you have many long-term friendships of your own and how have they weathered the years? Do you believe in such a thing as "friends for life?"

Deirdre:
Yes, I have quite a few long term friends, some of them very long term indeed! Everyone changes as the years pass, but in a true friendship there's something at the heart of it that either evolves with the changes, or else over-rides them so that they don't matter. Circumstances can change but the thing that drew you to that person in the first place can stay constant. But like any important relationship, you can't take a friendship for granted or neglect it. It merits attention and respect.

 

Irene:
Why did you characterize Molly as a friend-poacher? What are your thoughts about friend-poaching (taking someone else's friend and making them your own)?

Deirdre:
Although she is vulnerable in many ways, Molly Fox has a much stronger personality than her friend, the playwright who narrates the novel, and has a stronger will. What one person sees as friend-poaching another will see simply as mutual friendship. Much depends upon the nature of the friendship that is being encroached upon: often the person about to become the wounded party won't have fully understood or admitted to the real nature of a friendship until they feel it to be under threat. That's certainly the case in the novel.

 

Irene:
Do family relationships, in any sense, predetermine our friendships?

Deirdre:
I'm very interested in relationships within families, most particularly siblings where one person is an artist - a painter, a writer or an actor - and how that impinges upon their brothers and sisters. Family and friends aren't, of course, mutually exclusive, and I believe people who are happy and at ease in their families are more likely to be relaxed about making connections and friendships outside the family. I suppose most of us take some kind of lead from our parents on how we conduct friendships, without our even being conscious of it. Molly Fox's Birthday is about family as well as about friendship.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons. 

 

 

*****BOOK GIVEAWAY

To be eligible for a free copy of Molly Fox's Birthday, post a comment about friendship, writing, or friend poaching here. Please include your email address so I can contact you if you are the winner. (If you don't want to post your email address here, you can post the comment and send your email address to me at irene@thefriendshipblog.com/)

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Sunday, August 15, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends!

 

I was recently interviewed by Nicole Elphick, a writer with Cleo, an Australian fashion and beauty magazine.

 

Her article Are You Too Unpicky With Your Friends?, in the August edition, raises the question of whether women aren't picky enough in choosing their friends. In the age of Facebook, this issue is really at the forefront because technology has thrown the definition of what is and what isn't "a friend" into question.

 

In the article, I comment that "Because our society tends to judge women on their ability to make and keep friends, many women collect pals just as they might collect perfume bottles or heirloom jewelry."

 

Take a look at the article (see link above) and think about your own friendships. Do they meet the bar you've set for yourself? Have you collected friends that drain you emotionally? Is it time to let go?

 

 

New York Times best-selling author Jane Green is a mother of six. Remarkably, she has written a book a year for the past 12 years. Like her other books, the newest one also focuses on the emotional lives of lives of women.

Promises to Keep, was inspired by the life and death of her real-life friend Heidi, who was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. The journey she shared with her girlfriend, accompanying her to chemo and spending time with her when she was too weak to leave her bed, profoundly affected the way Jane thinks about relationships, especially her friendships. My interview with Jane highlights some of her thoughts about that life-changing friendship with Heidi:

 

Irene:

Jane, I know you were born in London. What challenges did you face as an expat making friendships in a new country? How did you meet those challenges?

Jane:

It took me a long time to find my footing here. I moved and made instant friends through having a young child and joining a mommy and me group, but few of them were lasting. By the time a year was up, I had a core group of three who remain amongst my dearest.

 

Irene:

How did you meet your friend Heidi, who inspired the book? What was special about that friendship?

Jane:

Heidi was one of those three mentioned above. I met her first at a children's music class. I didn't know her name, but we cracked up laughing at the ridiculousness of the teacher. When she left, I was instantly regretful that I didn't ask for her number. All I knew was that her name was Heidi, she had a son, and she lived on the other side of town. I spent a week trying to find her, and on the Friday I was hosting a playgroup in my yard. I was alone with my son, waiting for our regular mothers to arrive, when my garden gate opened and in walked Heidi. She had been invited by one of the regulars.

We became instant fast friends, and put our children into pre-school together, so we were together every day. She was a remarkable girl. She had more confidence and sparkle than anyone I have ever met, was utterly comfortable in her own skin, and as a result drew people to her. She was incredibly wise, and measured, and the first person I always turned to for advice.

 

Irene:

What impact did the premature and tragic death of a friend have on your life/friendships?

Jane:

I am very busy, life is very busy, and I was, I think, a somewhat lazy friend. I love them, I know they love me, but I didn't make much of an effort. I would forget to call, and was relieved that even if we didn't see each other often, our friendships somehow stayed the same. Going through an illness and then death of a close friend, has changed my attitudes to friendship enormously.

I learned that saying you love your friends isn't enough; that love is a verb, it requires Acts of Love. It is all about the doing, not the saying, and now I make a point, every day, of emailing, or phoning, or making a plan with those I love.

 

Irene:

You have four young children, a new husband with two children of his own, and an active career. How do you balance friendships with the rest of your life?

Jane:

I have learned that it is imperative that I make time for my friends, that they demand to be as much a part of the mix as my family and my work, and perhaps more so, because they are not an inevitability. All relationships, be it your spouse, your family, your friends, take work, and I make sure that a part of every day is spent connecting with friends.

 

Irene:

What friendship lessons do you think that mothers need to convey to their daughters?

Jane:

Kindness, I believe, is key. Avoiding "girl drama" by not engaging and walking away. Consideration of others.

 

Book Giveaway:

Jane's latest book is so gripping that I had a hard time putting it down. Would you like a chance to win a free copy and be one of the first people to read Promises to Keep? If so:

Post a comment here about the most important friendship lesson you've ever learned or else email it to me at Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com with the subject line: FRIENDSHIP LESSONS.

Please be sure to include your email address if you post it so I can contact you if you are the winner.

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Tuesday, July 6, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends!

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My friend and I are best friends and I care about her a great deal. She calls me A LOT! I don't mind that but the problem is that if I don't pick up the phone she gets really upset. Many times, I have tried to explain to her that I don't always have my phone on me but she doesn't understand. My problem isn't the number of calls but the expectation that I have to pick up my phone every time. It's irritating and causing me a lot of stress.

 

There are times I've turned my phone off for three or four days in a row just to avoid her, but the problem with that is that my clients can't get hold of me either. There are times I fill up my own voicemail just so I don't have to get a message from her.

 

The times I have spent with her haven't all been bad but when I quit my job to start my own business, she told me that we are in a recession and that what I did was stupid (Note: I never asked her for any help). Recently she told me that her friend Jack is the smartest person she knows and that I'm not even on her level. At another point she told me that she had a dream that my business tanked and I failed and lived in a slum.

 

I'm here in this country, kind of by myself, for the past ten years. I'm working on setting up my business, which is pretty time consuming. While networking is something I love and enjoy, it takes time.

 

What should I do about my friend? The last time I kept my phone off for over a week, she sent me a text saying she was thinking of suicide. Sometimes I get really depressed thinking about last year when she said this and this past month has been pretty bad. I love and care for her, but I don't know what to do.

Signed,
Carla

 

ANSWER

Dear Carla,

It's reasonable to be annoyed by excessive phone calls from a friend but turning off your phone or filling your own voicemail box aren't satisfactory solutions. The pattern of her calling and you not responding has become a dysfunctional source of frustration to both of you.

 

You seem to depend on each other in different ways. Your roots in this country aren't very deep and this relationship provides you with a sense of stability and belonging. Although your friend's insensitive remarks irk you from time to time, you have been able to get past them. On the other hand, you provide your friend with a sense of security as well. Her need to have constant contact with you suggests that she may be very insecure and overly dependent on you.

 

First things first: When someone expresses suicidal feelings, these should never be ignored or taken lightly. If your friend seems depressed or suicidal, you need to encourage her to speak to a mental health professional. Understandably, this has been weighing on you heavily. This may be a serious problem and if you need help, you might want to notify a close family member of your friend or seek advice from a suicide hotline.

 

In terms of the problem with phone calls and texts, when your friend is more stable psychologically the problem may resolve itself. If it doesn't, you need to be upfront at that time about setting clear boundaries in terms of the number and timing of non-urgent calls you are willing to accept. When you've gotten over this crisis, you may want to reassess this friendship and think about making others that are less complicated and more supportive.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

Need advice about a friendship problem? Use the Contact tab above to send an email to The Friendship Doctor.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

First of all, thank you for your blog and columns; I've gained much insight from you. I am a 42-year-old mother of two boys and I have always had trouble making friends. I've read countless books on the subject of relationships and intellectually, I know what to do: Be open, smile, ask questions, stay positive, etc. But it never seems to pan out for me in my search for finding meaningful friendships.

 

We moved to our community five years ago and I got involved in my church and kids' school. I've met women through the church moms' groups, volunteered for PTO and homeroom mom, sat with parents at sporting events, and the same thing always happens. The other women are cordial, but no one ever makes an effort to befriend.

 

I've tried inviting people to lunch or throwing a party. But it seems like I am always on the outside and the very few who attend only do so if they have nothing better going on. Recently, on two separate occasions, I discovered that a group of women were getting book groups together. I approached the organizer of each group and casually mentioned that I'd heard about their groups and, as an avid reader, would like to join. In both cases, I got the cold shoulder, change of subject, no invitation. This has happened before with two different Bunco groups when we lived in a different town. So I attempted to start a Bunco group, but it petered out after only a few months because, again, people would only come if they had nothing better to do.

 

I feel like I am always standing outside the door, begging to be let in. I'm generally a nice person, and try to be kind and compassionate to others, so I don't understand what I am doing wrong. It is especially frustrating when I see nasty, competitive women who are awful to each other at the center of every social group. Do I need to start being a mean-spirited bitch in order to have friends?

Signed,
Michelle

 

ANSWER

Dear Michelle,

No, absolutely not! You don't need to be a mean-spirited bitch in order to have friends although I can understand why you might feel that way. Unfortunately, it sounds like you live in a competitive community where the existing cliques you've encountered at school and church are pretty closed to newcomers. You may also be looking for friends in the wrong places or making poor choices.

 

Are there other women in town or are "unaffiliated" like you? If so, where might you find them? Instead of looking for a group all at once (e.g. by throwing parties or starting Bunco groups), perhaps you could seek out individuals, one person at a time. With summer approaching, might you find a potential friend at a park or a pool and could approach with your warm smile? Someone at the nail shop or at the hairdresser whom you've seen more than once and you could start a chat with? Could you sign up for an adult education class one evening and invite one person for coffee afterwards? Are there Meetup groups in your community with other people seeking new friends? Do you have any time for a part-time job that would give you the opportunity to be with people?

 

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes is called The Opposite. George Costanza (Jason Alexander) decides that because his instincts are typically wrong, he is going to do the exact opposite of what he would ordinarily be inclined to do. You don't need to take it to this comedic extreme, but could you change your tack? For example, might there be someone older or younger than you whom you haven't approached who seems friend-worthy?

 

If none of these suggestions resonates with you, confide in someone who knows you well (e.g. your mother, husband, sister-in-law, etc.), and who is willing to be brutally honest about why they think you're having trouble making friends. Is it situational or is it something you are doing or saying (or not doing or not saying)? Since they know you better, maybe their suggestions will be more on target than mine.

 

Above all, don't give up. Many women have written to me with similar problems so you aren't alone; making friends can be challenging. Despite your frustrations, try to remain confident and open. Follow your own interests so you remain an interesting person. You may need to spend more time reading, writing or gardening, before you collect enough women for your own Bunco game.

I hope this helps.

Warm regards,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I started a job approximately a year ago and met a woman with whom I became friends immediately. She was fun to be with and an interesting person. The only drawback was that she seemed to constantly talk about people and write off friends the minute she felt they had done her wrong. She also tried to tell me how to run my life. I finally told her that I felt she was out of line and it was not her place to tell me what to do.

 

There was a part-time position in her department and I applied for it. In fact, she was instrumental in making sure I got hired there. Now that I am there she treats me awfully. We actually had it out and she told me she was mad because I previously had told her to stay out of my business. I said to her, "You have me come to work with you and then treat me like this?"

 

I told her I felt betrayed and was sorry I had told her so much personal information about myself but that I hoped we could get past this and work together. I no longer want the friendship but would like to keep my part-time job because the money is good. But it's been extremely stressful. My question is should I stay or should I go? I'm ready to call my manager.

Signed,
Stephanie

 

ANSWER

Hi Stephanie,

I hate to tell someone that they should have but in your case, you have gotten caught in a bit of a friendship mess and a work morass as well.

 

You really should have heeded the warning signs of a colleague who gossips and sees the friendship world in black and white, where people are either friends or foes. It would have been best not to get too close too soon.

 

When you felt like she wanted to run your life, you probably should have not been as blunt. Considering you had to work with her, you could have stepped back from the relationship a bit without a confrontation.

 

Before you signed on to work in her department, you probably should have anticipated it might be uncomfortable doing so.

It sounds like your once-friend is holding a grudge. You should have told your friend that you merely want a decent working relationship at this point----and I'm glad you did!

 

From your letter, I'm not sure how your co-worker is continuing to make your life miserable. If she is sabotaging your work in any way, it's totally appropriate to discuss this with your manager. If the way she is being awful is in the sense of being cold, distant or rejecting, discussing it with your boss may only add fuel to the fire and exacerbate the problem.

 

Should you stay or must you go? Only you can answer that. The considerations are financial and emotional. Your best option to reduce stress and keep your paycheck is to focus on your work and relate to your ex-friend as a colleague only. If this feels impossible, find a way to extricate yourself from this situation on your own timetable and at your own convenience. Perhaps you could ask for another internal reassignment or find a job that is just as good or better without the complication of working beside an ex-friend.

I hope this is helpful and wish you good luck.

Best,
Irene

Becoming an older mother is never easy---physically or emotionally---especially if there's no logical father-to-be on the horizon. Three Wishes: A True Story of Good Friends, Crushing Heartbreak, and Astonishing Luck on Our Way to Love and Motherhood (Little Brown, 2010) is an incredibly wise, witty and powerful memoir written by three brave and accomplished women who had the desire to be mothers---each one, on her own terms.

 

On their shared journey to becoming mothers, they forged an incredible sisterhood that speaks to the importance of friendship in women's lives and shows how empowering friends can be. May I briefly introduce you to the authors---my new BFFs---Carey Goldberg, Beth Jones and Pam Ferdinand?

 

How old were you when you gave birth for the first time?----And what lessons have you learned as an older mother?

PAM

I was 41 when I gave birth to Emma, and I'm still learning the lessons of being an older mother. So far, I have found the downsides are that I definitely don't have the energy I once had in my 20s and 30s, and that my daughter will not know her great-grandparents, as I did. Nor will she likely have an extended amount of time with her grandparents and Mark and I (though we hope to stick around for a long while.) The upside is that I fully lived and worked, understand myself more now than I did as a young woman, and am having a new wonderful adventure at an unexpected stage of life. I don't take anything about motherhood or my daughter, or my relationship with Mark, for granted.

 

CAREY

I was 41 when I had Liliana and 43 when I had Tully. I second all that Pam said: I feel tremendously lucky that I had the chance to fulfill my career dreams, which involved extensive travel and sometimes 24/7 work, before having a child. And I feel tremendously lucky to have my children and husband. My only regret is that, now that I know what being a mother is like, I risked missing it by waiting so long. If I had it to do over again, I would start trying earlier. Also, this is a little strange, but as a mother well into middle age, I'm deeply aware of my own mortality, and that helps keep me focused on how I most want to spend my time: with my children. I still work, but I'm far less likely to worship what one friend calls The Bitch Goddess of Success.

 

BETH

I was 41 when my son was born and all the cliches are true: I'm more tired, I have less time to take care of myself, I fear that I'll be gone before I could be a grandmother (and my body's never been the same). But, as with Pam and Carey, I lived a life before I had my son, and I'm comfortable with who I am. I have friends who had children in their 20's or younger, and they're trying to figure themselves out now, in their 40's and 50's. I feel like I might move slower than twenty years ago (I'm certain), but I'm more patient, and I'm far more settled, literally and figuratively, than I would've been if I'd had children during my first marriage or earlier. I'm very okay with how it all turned out, and for me, that's a lesson, too.

 

What effect have your friendships had on your desire  to become a mother?

CAREY

I like to think that I served as a kind of single-mother mentor for Beth and Pam, and a single-mother friend of mine named Sally had filled that role for me earlier on. It is a huge decision to become a single mother, and it helped enormously to be allowed in to the life of a woman who had already made that decision, a woman whom I deeply admired. She showed me that it was possible, and though demanding, deeply wonderful.

 

PAM

I always wanted to have a child. But Beth and Carey encouraged me to become a mother before it was too late and showed me it was possible even if our lives had not gone according to plan. I could see their joy as mothers, and we wanted love and happiness for each other as much as we wanted it for ourselves.

 

BETH

It's easier to do anything - hang-glide, ice climb, have a child alone - if you've seen someone else do it first, and seen them thrive (or merely survive, when necessary). I met Carey when her daughter was a baby, and I have many friends and family who are single mothers. I believed I could be a good mother, even if I had to go it alone. Carey was not only doing it successfully but she had the vials to make it possible for me, and offering them was a huge gift for a new friendship. Pam had introduced me to Carey, and she was on the same road as me. Knowing you're not alone is extremely powerful. I didn't end up as a single mother, but having friends who encouraged me in the direction of motherhood, by whatever means necessary, was a great motivation.

 

What effect has marriage and motherhood had on your close friendships

BETH

Fortunately, second-time-around, I married a man who my friends like. Still, with a family, especially with a young child (my son is five) scheduling my life is harder, and being spontaneous - which I loved - is mostly out the window. No more driving off into the sunset alone or with a girlfriend. But my friends have always been, and will always be, an intrinsic and core part of who I am. Phil understands that, and isn't jealous of my friends and the time I spend with them (or at least I don't think he is). Motherhood has made me less available on a moment's notice, but even my single friends have confirmed that I haven't been lost to them, that I remain the same person I was for the majority of my life.

 

PAM

Time, of course, impacts all aspects of my life these days, including my relationships. But I try very hard to sustain close friendships from throughout my life, and not all of my close friends are married and/or mothers. (I am not married!)

With some of my women friends, marriage and/or motherhood are not and never were among the primary bonds we share; for a few, it's a source of discomfort or pain because they are still hoping to have one or both of those things, and it's been important for us to communicate openly and honestly about that. Others desire neither marriage or motherhood. And for the close women in my life who are/were married and/or mothers, it's added a new dimension to our friendships in terms of sharing experiences, understanding each other's lives, and spending time together as moms and women in committed relationships.

 

CAREY

I've found that marriage mixes just fine with friendships; motherhood, however, is another matter! It is just so incredibly difficult to find the long blocks of time for talking and adventuring that helped build the basis for my close friendships in the before-children years. We can share outings that include the children, but then the children tend to make conversation difficult. My friendships have survived motherhood, and in some cases -- as I've found with Beth and Pam -- our mothering experiences, the anxieties and the joys, have even deepened the friendships. I've also found some new friends in the parents of my children's friends. But overall? I'd have to say motherhood is a challenge that friendship must overcome.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Carey Goldberg has been the Boston bureau chief of the New York Times, Moscow correspondent for the Los Angeles Times, and most recently a health and science reporter at the Boston Globe. She now writes happily at home.

Beth Jones is a freelance writer and educator who has contributed to the Boston Globe, the New York Times, and numerous academic journals. She plans to climb many more frozen waterfalls.

Pamela Ferdinand is an award-winning freelance journalist and former reporter for the Washington Post, Boston Globe, and Miami Herald. She remains an incorrigible romantic.

WIN A BOOK

If you would like to know more about the authors and their wishes, send your email address to me at Irene@TheFriendshipBlog or post it in the comment section below.

Put THREE WISHES in the subject line by COB Mother's Day, May 9, and I'll randomly pick one person to win a copy of this impossible-to-put-down book!

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal by Amy Chozick, How Parents Became Cool, describes the parental paradigm shift (as seen on TV) from loving but firm (think: The Brady Bunch) to best friends (think: Pretty Little Liars). We've all heard stories of (and some of us have witnessed up close) moms who are trying so desperately to be cool that they opt for the role of BFFs to their daughters instead of moms. It's an easy line to cross; after all, every woman wants another friend---and moms, especially, want to connect with their teens and tweens and not be thought of as old hags. But can a mother be a daughter's best friend?

 

Apropos of Mother's Day, I asked my colleagues, Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship (Berkley, 2009) to address that question in a guest post. Here is what Gordon and Shaffer had to say:

 

There is an old Chinese proverb that states "One Generation plants the trees; another gets the shade," and this is how it should be with mothers and daughters. The intimate nature of the relationship between a mother and daughter is sometimes confusing. If close, the relationship can simulate friendship through the familiar characteristics of empathy, listening, loyalty, and caring. However, the mother/daughter relationship has unique characteristics that distinguish it from a best friendship. These characteristics include a mother's role as primary emotional caretaker, a lack of reciprocity, and a hierarchy of responsibility. This hierarchy, combined with unconditional love, precludes mothers and daughters from being best friends.

 

Because the essential ingredient for friendship is equality and there is always an imbalance when one person in the twosome is the parent of the other, mothers and daughters naturally can't be best friends. Marina, 27 years old says, "I love spending time with my mom, but I wouldn't consider her my best friend. She's MY MOM. Best friends don't pay for the dress you covet in a trendy clothing store that you wouldn't pay for yourself. Best friends don't pay for your wedding. Best friends don't remind you how they carried you in their body and gave you life, and sometime gas! Best friends don't tell you how wise they are and trump your opinion because they have been alive at least 20 years longer than you. I love my mom, and I want her to remain a mom."

 

This doesn't mean that the mother/daughter relationship can't be very close and satisfying. While some adult relationships are still troubled, many find them to be extremely rewarding. So many moms spoke to us about how happy they are to be finished with the "eye rolling" and look from their adolescent daughters, a look that says, "You must come from a different evolutionary chain than me." Daughters also adopted the famous Mark Twain quote about aging, with some slight alterations, and their feelings about their mothers. Mark Twain said, "When I was a boy (girl) of 14, my father (mother) was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man (woman) around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man (woman) had learned in seven years."

 

This generation of mothers and adult daughters has a lot in common which increases the likelihood of shared companionship. Mothers and daughters have always shared the common experience of being homemakers, responsible for maintaining and passing on family values, traditions, and rituals. Today contemporary mothers and daughters also share the experience of the workforce, technology and lack of a generation gap, which may bring them even closer together.

 

Best friends may or may not continue to be best friends, but for better or worse, the mother and daughter relationship is permanent, even if for some unfortunate reason they aren't' speaking. The mother and child relationship is, therefore, more intimate and more intense than any other. As long as that hierarchy exists, it's not an equal relationship. Daughters should not feel responsible for their mother's emotional well-being. Not that they don't care deeply about their mothers, it's just that they shouldn't be burdened with their mother's well being. As one mother said to her daughter, "I would gladly dive under a bus for you and there is no way that I'm diving under a bus for my friends." Her daughter responded, "And I'd gladly let you dive under the bus to save me!"

 

The mother/daughter relationship is so much more comprehensive than a best friendship. It's a relationship that is not replaceable by any other. This unique bond doesn't mean that when daughters mature they can't assume more responsibilities and give back to their mothers, but it's never equal and it's not supposed to be. Mothers never stop being mothers, which includes frequently wanting to protect their daughters and often feeling responsible for their happiness. Mother always "trumps" friend.

 

BOOK GIVEAWAY 

For a chance to win your own copy of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship, post your own thoughts below in response to the question: Can a daughter be a mother's best friend? Be sure to include your email address so if you are chosen, I can contact you for your snail mail address.

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Tuesday, May 11, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends! 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I met my friend on the commute to work and have known her now for 10 years. We also socialized outside of the commute. She is 17 years older than me but the age difference has never been a problem. She was terminated from her job (after 20 years) at age 62. Just before this, her ex-husband (who she did not like) died suddenly.

 

I reached out to her during the months after her job loss. She went into a depression and became very paranoid and weird. Finally after six months she seems to be turning her life around. However she makes no effort to email or phone me. Is there any way to get the friendship back or has it run its course?

Signed,
Cassie

 

ANSWER

Dear Cassie,

Losing a job and a husband at once (whether or not she liked them) is tough for any woman, especially at the age of social security eligibility. If your friend feels any embarrassment about being fired, she may have a hard time facing people she knew through her employment. It was kind, and appropriate, of you to reach out to her and she may be embarrassed that she wasn't able to respond sooner.

 

Or, having been through a tremendous emotional upheaval in her life, she may simply be focused on getting back on her feet---with less time available for socializing. Write her a brief note and tell her that you're thinking of her, that you would love to get together for coffee if she has the time. If she doesn't respond, you'll know that the friendship isn't viable for now.

Hope this helps~

Best,
Irene