wedding

QUESTION

I'm currently my best friend's maid of honor and the entire experience has been painful at best. I've been looking for some advice and support on how to deal with a friendship that's breaking apart due to a bride's behavior but the vast majority of blogs/websites focus on only bridesmaids ruining the wedding or friendship.

I've been friends with the bride for the past twenty years and over the past year of wedding planning, I am certain the friendship is over. In our circle of friends, everyone thought I would be the first to get married (I've been with my partner longer than she has, I’ve wanted to get married while she hasn't, and her proposal was a total surprise). I've put aside my feelings of jealousy and just been happy for my friend, but lately she's been complaining about how hard wedding planning is and it makes me feel like she is taking for granted something I would cherish.

She was never taught etiquette. She, her mother, and her sister are very "laid-back" people who don't care for social niceties. They have asked family and other wedding guests to bring the food; friends are paying for an open bar; they aren't inviting the officiant to the rehearsal because the bride “doesn't want her to say much." They have had one engagement party, a bachelorette weekend away, two bridal showers, and a stag and doe, and have a registry filled with high-priced items.  

At this point, I have paid more for this wedding than the bride and groom have! The mother-of-the-bride has hosted one bridal shower and the engagement party, and emailed invites to these events only days before hand to the bridal party. We all live in separate cities and has even confessed that she didn’t invite the bride's man (a male bridesmaid) until the day before because she doesn't really want him there.

The bride had originally asked me to be in charge of making sure the food gets prepared in time for the buffet dinner (in addition to my maid of honor duties, and making their wedding cake). I told her I thought she should find someone else because the food would need to go into the ovens during the ceremony and I wouldn't be able to do it as I would be standing with her.  

She flipped out and started crying and saying she should have just eloped.  Since then, no matter how much I offer to help she says she's doesn't need it, but she posts on Facebook how stressed she is and how she needs help. I believe she just likes people to feel bad for her. For as long as I've known her she has always played the victim in life and now I realize I just can't handle it anymore.  

I've always been a strong, confident person and just cannot respect this type of "poor me" behavior. I can't say anything because I have to walk on eggshells around her as she's the type to cry over every little confrontation. Over the past four months she hasn't called me and will only email about wedding issues, sometimes she'll add "How are you doing?" and when I reply telling her in about my life, she doesn't reply and the next email I receive is about the wedding.

I'm currently in the process of writing my speech and for the life of me cannot find any words to say, any that would be appropriate at least.
I'm sorry this email is so long and rambling! If you can offer me any advice as to how I can move forward, or how I can get through my speech it would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
One very tired maid of honor

ANSWER

Dear Very Tired Maid of Honor,

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with your best friend. Brides often are self-absorbed but this one sounds over the top. I’m not sure how much of her narcissism is related to the wedding and how much is related to the bride’s personality and upbringing. It may be the combination of the two that is so punishing.

Accepting the role of maid of honor has put you in the position of witnessing many of your friend’s warts that you may have missed before. (Keep in mind that you may be feeling a bit more sensitive than usual too, because, as you admit, it would be nicer if you were the one walking down the aisle now.)

Please keep your justifiable anger under control, and just get through the wedding and be a very gracious maid of honor. Your speech can be a piece of cake if you talk about how you met, recall the good times you shared together during your long friendship, and wish her the best for the future.

After things have simmered down for both of you, you’ll need to determine whether the friendship is worth salvaging. Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

My husband and I were invited to a traditional boda (wedding) that was being held this weekend in Ciudad Obregon, a city in Sonora, a northwest region of Mexico that borders Arizona and New Mexico. Paolo, a young psychiatrist had grown up in Italy and we have known his family since he was a child. He was marrying Teresa at the church in her hometown, Santuario de Nuestra Senora de Guadalupe. The young couple had met in the States where they were both completing their education.

 

When we received the invitation, we were delighted. But admittedly, we did think twice. Our unbridled enthusiasm about sharing this day with Paolo and Teresa was quickly sobered by the increasing reports of kidnapping, violence, and murder attributed to drug cartels in northern Mexico. A recent U.S. State Department travel alert said that US citizens should "avoid certain areas, abstain from driving on certain roads because of dangerous conditions or criminal activity, or recommend driving during daylight hours only." It also recommended not going too afar of tourist areas. My cousin called and told me that he had hired a bodyguard for his college-aged son's spring break trip last month to a luxury resort in Acapulco. "Take only fake jewelry with you," cautioned a friend. In the end, we weren't deterred by fears because of our long friendship with our Italian friends as well as our fondness for Mexico, its people, and its culture.

 

So we were among the 300 celebrants this weekend, mostly Sonorans, who attended Teresa and Paolo's wedding reception at a ranch-like restaurant, called "Mr. Steak." It took place immediately after the church service in a beautiful outdoor courtyard, covered with crimson flowers that seemingly thrive in the desert heat.

 

It turns out that when it comes to births, weddings and funerals, many traditions are global. The wedding singers and dancers who might have just as easily been hired to entertain at a gaudy bar mitzvah (particularly if they had they been singing in English) got things rolling. The bride and groom danced their first dance to Louis Armstrong's, "What a Wonderful World." Guests ate, drank and exchanged memories of the couple's childhood and of their own courtships and weddings.

 

The energetic band got the crowd on their feet to do the "Pony" and the Mexicans danced to lively Latin beats for hours showing no signs of exhaustion. There was a dais and a tiered wedding cake, photographs taken of the proud families, beautiful deep-skinned bridesmaids dressed in vibrant turquoise dresses, and wedding favors.

 

My wedding reverie was interrupted when a friend sent me an email on my iPhone. Attached to a "breaking news alert" about the potential swine flu pandemic in Mexico City that had already felled more than 1000 persons and killed about 60, my friend Patricia wrote, "You're not there, are you?"

 

That was our first inkling of the panic that was terrorizing the people of Mexico City, where we had been just two days before. We were glued to CNN whenever we got back to our hotel room. The death rate among victims was estimated at about 7 percent. The lead story in the local paper reported three new cases in Sonora. My friend, Margie, a veteran traveler and adventurer emailed me: "Get out of there. I'm worried about you." We decided to cut our trip short, aborting plans to visit the nearby colonial town of Alamos, Mexico, one of the Pueblos Magicos, after the wedding.

 

It wasn't easy to rearrange our flight schedule but we were able to get stand-by seats. Our return flight from Obregon connected through Mexico City, an international hub where there are usually hoards of people. Compared to only a few days earlier, both the landscape of the airport and the nature of our anxieties had taken an unexpected turn. The terminal was sparsely populated. Airport employees with blue gloves and passengers with blue masks were cautious and kept their distance from each other. Security was efficient and turned out to be far more brisk than usual.

 

As we donned one of the ubiquitous blue masks being handed out freely by men in army fatigues, every TV set around the airport was reporting the emergency measures invoked by President Calderon to quell fears and protect public health. Soccer games would go on, but without fans, and the faithful would no longer be flocking to churches. They were warned to stay away from crowds, not shake hands, or cheek-kiss as is traditional among Mexican friends. Museums, schools, universities, bars and restaurants were closed down. People were hunkered down, stockpiling DVDs and Tamiflu.

 

We worried whether we would get out of Mexico before we got ill or the flu became pandemic. Would airline or immigration officials be ordered to screen travelers crossing borders to prevent its spread? At the same time, we felt terrible about the mounting economic woes being faced by Mexico, a U.S. neighbor that is heavily dependent on tourism, which has already taken a big hit because of crime fears and the downfall in the economy.

 

At the airport, we read English language newspapers and surfed the Internet. We found out that the swine flu had outpaced our own return to New York and had jumped across continents---within days, cases had already cropped up in several other US cities, Australia, Canada and Israel. I wrote this post on our return flight. More than ever, it became clear to me that whether it is a drug war, global disease outbreak, or other human disaster, international borders are permeable and we are all in this together.

 

Also on The Huffington Post

There are many times when girlfriends have to choose one friend over another (for example, you can only have one maid-of-honor)---and decisions like this aren't always easy.

Read Andrea Boyarsky's article in the Staten Island Advance, Delivering the Big Hurt, where she asks me and some other experts to weigh in on the issue...

Marriage is a milestone that often alters a couple’s relationship with each other, as well as with those around them. For the new bride, it can herald profound changes in her relationships with girlfriends.

In a recent post (February 9, 2008), I interviewed wedding expert Sharon Naylor about the challenges that planning “the big day” poses to the bride’s friendships. In this follow-up, I asked Sharon about the impact of marriage on female friendships.

How does the transition from being single to being married affect a woman’s relationships with single friends?

It changes the dynamics of the relationship a LOT. Depending on how frustrated the single friend is with her dating life, and how envious she is of your good fortune in finding true love, it can be a very trying time for her…and thus for your friendship.

If you’re the first friend of hers to get married, that can be traumatic because the issue of marriage is now Out There, bringing pressure to her life. And if many of your friends have gotten married, she may REALLY be feeling pressured because you’re another in a long list of her former single friends to ‘win the prize’ while she is still waiting for hers.

What can the new bride do to minimize tension?

The solution here is to nurture or create a dimension in this friendship that is not about dating or relationships at all. And this is a tough task, because some brides find that the only thing they had in common with some friends is the topic of dating, the drive to couple up.

It might be that these friends went out to clubs or had 99% of their conversations revolve around bad blind dates and online dating profiles, breakups and breakdowns. Some female friendships are bonded by the drama of dating life. And when you exit dating life, there’s a big void in the friendship. Yes, you’ve been out of dating world for the entire time you’ve been with your fiancé, but this sad single friend hasn’t heard the door slam closed until your engagement. Not that she was hoping you’d break up. It just wasn’t completely official yet. And she may feel abandoned in her singleness.

What responses might you anticipate from the girlfriend(s) you leave behind? How might she be feeling?

“You’re not going to want to go out anymore,” worries the single friend, who also might be slapping on a big, fake smile when you talk about your fiancé’s romantic birthday plans for you, or what you’re doing on Valentine’s Day. If this friend has been overly dependent on you, if you were the only egg in her basket, your marriage is bad, bad news for her.

Your friend is now alone in her quest, with no true allies, and may feel like she’s slipped to the bottom of the totem pole. And you might find that you no longer enjoy her sad-sack company, her complaints, her refusal to raise the bar and pursue men who are better for her. You might not want to entertain her pity parties anymore. So the friendship…like any relationship that has no common bonds…can fade away.

How can you minimize the inherent risks to the friendship?

If you do wish to nurture the friendship, start by subtly creating new shared interests, such as asking your friend to sign up for an aromatherapy class, or get a museum membership so that you can go to exhibits and lectures, or sign on for dance classes at the gym you both go to. Exchange novels you’ve both loved and talk about them over coffee. Add new facets to the friendship so that it can survive your change in status. Such variety and shared interests are healthy for any relationship, especially female friendships.

With new dimensions, you might not mind your friend’s occasional dating dramas so much…they could make you feel grateful for your new husband as well as give you a satisfying feeling of being a supportive friend. You’ve just transformed that into a smaller percentage of your relationship.

Can matchmaking efforts help keep a female friendship intact?

One mistake newlyweds make is wanting to set single friends up with all of their friends. Sure, the intentions are good, wanting your friend to be as happy as you are, but unless the friend is truly enthusiastic about your help, you might put too much pressure on her to endure the company of a guy friend who’s not right for her, and you two as a couple could get embroiled in their relationship issues.

It’s far better to invite your friend to events where she might meet someone. That’s where your newlywed life could be of great benefit to her. You’re not pushing, choosing, dodging news of a breakup, keeping secret the fact that the guy you introduced to her is also seeing three other girls, etc.

Why is it important to focus on friendships after your wedding day?

Having many healthy female friendships with positive women who inspire you and add many gifts to your life makes you a better spouse with a full life of your own. Your man is not the only egg in your basket, so to speak. You’re not overly dependent on him. Your circle of friends is a strength in your life, and studies show that having a great sense of community is good for your health, keeps stress down, strengthens your heart, and has many other perks.

Any other comments you would like to make about female friendships after marriage, Sharon?

The sad reality is that sometimes they don’t survive because you no longer have anything in common. Or, a bridesmaid acted so jealous and rude at your wedding that you never want to speak with her again. It was the last straw. Or you just drift from single friends, or some friends voluntarily get absorbed into their new husbands’ worlds and abandon their own friends as the incarnation of their New Life.

Friendships have a life cycle, and they do depend on mutual commitment and shared evolution to survive as long as they’re meant to---for as long as they’re healthy for both parties. A wedding, being such a huge life transition, naturally tests all manner of female friendships, with some friendships getting stronger and some falling away.

When I got married in April, my closest friends from college were my bridesmaids. They all traveled from distant states to be there, and our friendships were strengthened partly because we stayed so close through phone and e-mail conversations for years…we saw each other perhaps once a year due to our busy lives, but the connections we’ve always had were strong.

Being together, walking through my neighborhood as cherry blossom petals came raining down on us, then sharing the wedding day and seeing our husbands bond like brothers has reignited our need to see each other more. We’re all turning 40 this year, so we’re meeting at a resort town halfway between our home states, staying in a haunted bed-and-breakfast, shopping, going to wineries, and having a fabulous couples’ getaway to mark the big 4-0. Fortunately, my friends’ tenure as bridesmaids, even from a distance, further solidified our bond, and now we’re adding more dimension to our friendship by making it a priority to plan more face-time.


Sharon Naylor is the author of over 35 wedding books, including The Bride’s Survival Guide, and has been featured on Good Morning America, Lifetime, ABC News, The Morning Show With Mike & Juliet, and in InStyle Weddings, Martha Stewart Weddings, Brides, Modern Bride, Southern Bride and many additional magazines. She is the iVillage Weddings expert and Planning in Peace blogger, as well as a top columnist for Bridal Guide.

Dear Irene,

 

Someone please help. E-mail me a response. I have a friend that is about to be my sister-in-law; her wedding is in two weeks. She takes and takes and TAKES from me because I can’t say NO!

I’m fed up and don’t know how to tell her. She has me sending out invitations, baking and decorating her cupcakes and the groom’s cake for the wedding, helping her with the music and there’s no telling what else is yet to come. If I try to say NO, she twists it and keeps pressuring me until I give in. Oh, and I’m her maid of honor. We had to pay for our own dresses and my husband had to pay for his shirt---that’s over $100.00 already. I paid to give her a luau shower and I helped out with the bachelorette party.

The last straw was when my husband didn’t pay for his shirt because we spent over $50 (the price of the shirt) on necessities for the cakes...he just wanted to call it even. Now she is calling me, crying and upset trying to get me to pay for the shirt!!!

Signed Megan

________________________________________

 

Hi Megan:

This is just the beginning of your relationship with your once-friend who morphed into a sister-in-law---so you need to set realistic boundaries for the future about what you feel comfortable doing for her and what you don’t. For example, you shouldn’t feel like you have to spend more money on her than feels comfortable for you or that fits within your budget---no matter what she thinks she deserves or is entitled to. She may think that now that you are relatives, she can ask you for anything and everything.

 

As time passes, if you keep acquiescing to every favor the Queen of Favors asks of you, as you have seen, she will continue to ask for more. You may need to speak to your brother to give him a heads up and to ask for his help in giving the message to his bride-to-be that you are starting to feel like a patsy. You don’t want to blindside him and create conflict between the newlyweds by taking on his wife without letting him know.

 

That said, weddings are always times of great angst for brides and their families. I think that now isn't the time to begin to say NO for the first time or to try to change your sister-in-law-to-be. Be gracious until the wedding is over and let her enjoy her special day. Then stick to your guns.

 

Hope this is helpful.

 

Best,

Irene