volatile

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

I was a close friend with a co-worker for 5 years. At one point, she had a huge fight with a mutual co-worker, someone with emotional problems with whom I remained friends. She wasn't comfortable with the other woman; the stress between the two of them was palpable. I really don't blame her for that.

 

Anyway, my friend and I used to share an office and got quite close until she left for a while. When she returned, she got a nice promotion and seemed very busy. While she was gone, I got a new office mate and struck up other office friendships. A group of us regularly go for drinks and occasional lunches.

 

For at least a month, I sensed a vibe from her of not being very friendly toward me. I probably didn't reach out to her like I should have but I have had personal issues (surviving my cancer, depression in my family, and a mom with dementia in a nursing home) that make some days a challenge just to get through.

 

I went to her a couple of days ago and asked if something was wrong. She told me she was disappointed that I wasn't the friend she thought. She said that everything was about me---I never asked how things were going with her, etc. Basically, she said she didn't consider me a friend any longer but would work with me without any problems. She also said I spend my time with the "others" and never reached out to her (although I have not gotten an invite from her for a while). She's had similar episodes and ended two other close friendships.

 

I will admit I did get lazy, but not intentionally. As I said, my energy level is not at its highest. She is not well-liked around the office, known as a troublemaker and gossip, and I had often found myself defending her work and work decisions. When we were friends, I always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway, I was pretty upset, after she insinuated that I was a piece of crap as a friend. I told her that I had been extremely busy lately, was sick, etc. I also told her that life is short and if people are really friends, they should get past that. I sent her a short email later expressing that, too.

 

I feel really badly--and guilty. Am I an evil, selfish, all-about-me person? I never meant to hurt or disappoint her. We were like kids sometimes, giggling and having a good time, and I miss her company. I am guessing the best thing to do is to step back and hold off asking her to lunch, as it would seem fake at this point. I'm also vowing to never establish a work friendship again-it is just too difficult if it doesn't work out.

Signed,
Sad Sara

 

ANSWER

Hi Sara,

 

Your letter raises two basic questions: 1) Are you responsible for the uncomfortable relationship with your co-worker? and 2) Should you avoid future friendships at work based on this experience?

 

First, it's understandable that you would feel awkward when a close friendship falls apart and you have to see the other person every day at work. Yet under the best of circumstances, your friend was high-maintenance. She was volatile, possessive of you, and tended to get into conflicts with co-workers. It sounds like you overlooked a lot of negatives to maintain the friendship. You tried to resolve the misunderstanding and handled yourself as well as one might expect.

 

Given everything that has happened in your life recently, you have every reason to be less patient and less tolerant of a friendship that is weighing you down. Your inability to navigate this difficult relationship doesn't make you a bad friend. If anything, you should feel a bit miffed at her. Does your friend even realize that you are coping with a lot right now and may need support rather than more demands placed on you?

 

In terms of the second question, workplace friendships can have their upsides and downsides so they need to be handled cautiously. Of course, befriending a known troublemaker greatly increases the risk of potential problems. You need to step back and concentrate on taking care of yourself-focusing primarily on your work, at work. Maintain a cordial and professional relationship with your once-close friend and don't give up all your other office relationships because of one bad egg.

 

Hope this is helpful.

Best,

Irene

 

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QUESTION

Dear Irene:

I, too, have recently had a friendship break up with my bf. We both had a stressful year, I lost my job and she has had various stresses. She told me I was too intense, despite the fact that I tried not to call or ask her to go out too often. If I ever upset her, she went hysterical calling me names and screaming at me over the slightest thing.

 

I miss her terribly and told her so and that I could not stop thinking about her, like an obsession. However, my feelings are that of love for a friend nothing more. We are both happily married with kids. I think she misunderstood what I meant and is now completely ostracizing me-despite telling me she missed me too.

 

Is it normal to feel like this, so sad and unhappy that someone is no longer in your life? I'm very confused why I can't stop thinking about her. Our kids go to school together and it's making life very uncomfortable.

Signed,

Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry that you're reeling from your loss and, yes, it's normal to feel that way when you lose a close friend. You took a risk and told your friend how much your relationship meant and she didn't reciprocate. In fact, she pushed you further away. Making it harder, she's someone you have to worry about bumping into at your child's school.

 

It sounds like both you and she have been under considerable stress and that the relationship had become quite volatile before this split. You both need a break from that intensity which probably wasn't fun for either of you.

 

You have less reason to be embarrassed that she does. Be cordial if you bump into her and say hello but don't build your life around hers. There may be more going on with her than you know about.

 

Try to put the relationship on indefinite hold and stop thinking about it. Spend time with your family and other friends. If you need support, it might even be a good time to read my book ☺---and don't be surprised if she comes back to you when her life calms down.

Best,
Irene

After a tiff with your BFF, it's natural to get upset and ask yourself (or a third person), "What's wrong with her?" That's because it's much easier for all of us to recognize blemishes or faults in our friends than it is to look in the mirror.

But if you're finding that you're having frequent conflicts-either with the same person or with multiple friends-or that people who you thought were close friends often wind up dumping you, you have to consider whether there's something you are doing or saying that's sabotaging your own friendships.

Here are 5 possible signs of toxicity to watch out for:

1) Are you too needy? Are you always the one who asks to get together? Are you the one putting forth all the effort in the relationship? Friendships need to be reciprocal. Even an ideal relationship may not be balanced every day or even every year but there's a give-and-take that evens out over time. If you are constantly asking for attention, advice, support, time or even material favors from your friend, or are demanding more than they're able to handle, it's not unreasonable for them to grow weary of your neediness.

2) Are you too volatile? Do you blow-up each time things don't go your way or do you tend to hide your feelings until they spew out when they can no longer be contained? No one likes to be with a friend who is intense, unpredictable, and seething, or who is unwilling or unable to work out little problems (before they become big ones) by talking about them.

3) Are you too moody? Everyone has his or her ups and downs but it's difficult to be with a moody person no matter what the relationship. Are you always in the throes of depression? Are you so energetic to the point that you exhaust the people around you? If your moods seem too intense for others to bear or if your moods cycle rapidly, it may be off-putting.

4) Are you too blunt or invasive? Are you the type of person that always says what's on your mind and expresses every thought totally unvarnished? Do you probe and ask questions regardless of whether your friend is ready to answer them. Are you so pushy that you make friends squirm in their seats? Close friends need to be kind and respectful of each other's feelings, not say everything that comes to mind, and be sensitive to and responsive to the lines their friends draw around them.

5) Are you too insecure? Do your friends always make you feel one down to the point that you feel like you need to brag, lie or aggrandize your own situation? Do you hold back or feel too shy to talk, to disagree, or to set boundaries? Are you unable to talk about things that are important to you? If most people make you feel this way, you need to look inside and see how you can make yourself feel better.

If you have lost a friend or two in succession, it may not be anything to worry about. But if you begin to recognize a pattern of lost friendships, one after another, intermittently, or very often, it's time to take notice and at least consider the possibility that it's you, not her.