trust

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

For the past six to eight months I've had two friendships deteriorate. Jillian had been my friend for about 15 years. We never partied or saw much of each other due to distance and her ten-year relationship with a guy yet we always kept in touch. When her relationship was over, we began to spend lots of time together.

 

Our relationship went into a tailspin when she questioned my character. She asked me to give her ex-boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen in 15 years) a ride home because she was leaving with her new love interest. After the ride, he invited me in for a drink. Of course, I declined and later called both him (he gave me his number to make sure I got home safely) and her. That was where all the confusion began.

 

The next day Jillian called asking if I'd "done" anything crazy with him. I was offended since I only provided the ride to do her a favor. Over the next few months, she began dating this guy again. I know this guy was interested in me, but that was a line I would not cross. The relationship with her has suffered since. She would make us all hang out together. The guy is very cool and we have a very good rapport; I have plenty of male friends and am comfortable with males on a friendship level. She is aware of the many strictly platonic male relationships that I've had all my life. However, she is always trying to compete with me about every single thing or tarnish my character. I've tried to hang on to the friendship for more than 6 months and it's been hard.

 

I've also recently broken up with Lexi. We had been friends for 20 years (we are in our 30's) and she is/was like a sister to me. I invited both Jillian and Lexi out to celebrate my promotion and Jillian came with the guy. Lexi had been secluded after a recent break-up with a guy so to come out and interact with my friends was a big deal for her. Eventually, Lexi ended up chatting with a guy I've been seeing on and off for the past 6 months. Although I was a bit leery of him and his intentions when Lexi told me he was nice and was interested, I blew up. I could not believe, that Lexi, my sister, my longest friend would hit on a guy I was sort of dating for 6 months. She had never met him before, but had heard stories about him.

 

My trust with both friends has been broken. Is there a way to mend both relationships? Do you think that Lexi's actions are from her recent break-up or just who she has always been? I've talked to several of my friends about Jillian. Most think Jillian has always been a bit competitive and a user. I never saw this side before and am now afraid of all my relationships. Help.

Thanks,
Risa

ANSWER

Dear Risa

The issue of trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. So I can understand how you must be reeling after two long-standing relationships unraveled over the same issue.

 

In the case of Jillian, if you knew that her guy was interested in you, she probably knew too. Instead of her confronting him about his trustworthiness, it sounds like you were an easier target. If it were this incident alone, you could talk to Jillian and, perhaps, get over it but it sounds like she is constantly competing with you. That makes me think that perhaps the women you both were 15 years ago have grown in different directions and that your relationship is really based primarily on shared history. While this is nothing to give up lightly, is Jillian the kind of friend you want in your life now or is she a frenemy, who tries to put you down whenever she has the opportunity?

 

In the case of Lexi, it sounds like she picked up on your ambivalence about the guy you were "sort-of-dating" and moved in to make the catch---perhaps innocently, but not very sensitively. I'm not sure from your letter if Lexi is still seeing this guy but I think you need to express your hurt feelings to her.

 

Your dilemma really has to do with your feelings about friendship and its boundaries and the men just happen to be red herrings that make things more confusing. Maintaining trust is the thread that runs thought both these painful situations. It can only help for you to speak with Lexi, and perhaps with Jillian too (if you feel so inclined) about mutual expectations of a trusting friendship, which often vary from person to person.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I took a new job and became friendly with a woman named Gina. Gina told me about her past mistakes and seemed very consumed with guilt over them. In the spirit of sympathy, I told Gina that what was done so long ago should be forgiven and that I certainly don't feel that she deserves to be condemned. Then I went on to tell her of a past mistake of mine, and that it was past and I didn't feel guilty over something that was done 30 years ago.

 

We had many conversations on breaks and a lot of information was shared. Well, yesterday at work, my boss warned me to be careful what I told Gina, and that all that I told her was repeated to the entire office! Of course I will now watch what I say more closely, but I'm mortified! How do I come back from this (if ever) at this job? I had hoped to make a friend or two and now just look like an idiot.

Signed,
Margie

 

ANSWER

Dear Margie:

I know you have a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach right now. That's understandable-but things aren't as bad as they seem. In your efforts to make a new friend at work, you inadvertently fell prey to an office gossipmonger, someone who habitually brokers information about others to enhance her own sense of self-importance. Since your boss came to warn you about her, he already knows about Gina and her M.O. (modus operandi)---and doesn't have much respect for her.

 

You can't take back the things you said to Gina. But unless you shared really juicy tidbits, I presume that the rest of the office staff will soon forget about anything they've heard---especially since Gina seems to have a reputation as a gossip (even the boss knows about her!). Focus on doing your job and expanding your office contacts, slowly, so Gina becomes just one office acquaintance among many. This might also be a time to nurture close and trusting friendships outside the office.

 

Clearly, you can't trust Gina again. Depending on what feels more comfortable for you, you can either cut off all non-essential contact with her entirely or calmly tell her that you hope she'll keep whatever you've told her in the past in confidence as you're concerned about your reputation at a new workplace.

 

While this was a hard lesson, it will make you more cautious in the future, which is a good thing. It's always prudent to build friendships slowly to make sure that you can trust a person before sharing too many intimacies. This is especially true in the workplace because you have fewer options in terms of being able to step away from the relationship without threatening your employment.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm 28 years old and a TV journalist. About 3 years ago, I met another female reporter to whom I took an instant liking and we became close friends. At the outset, I felt deeply for her and she grew to like me, too. We hung out together, vacationed together, and I loved doing things for her. Although we had disagreements, there was no professional rivalry or backstabbing between us.

 

I lost my parents in 2007 and 2009. My mistake was that I lied to her about something, which I subsequently covered up with more lies. This lie went on for nearly two years. Initially, my friend was only curious about the lie but began asking a series of questions. When she asked to meet with me on September 1, I sensed something was amiss and dreaded losing her friendship. She was the most important person in my life.

 

When we met, my friend told me what she had uncovered and I owed up to my huge blunder! She was deeply dejected and told me that I was the darkest person she had ever met, now her worst enemy. She said she didn't want to have anything else to do with me and wants me out of her life. When I lost my dad on September 7th, I desperately wanted to speak with her but she didn't want to and accused me of taking advantage of my dad's death.

 

This friend had been the fulcrum of my existence. From that day on, I've apologized repeatedly but it all seems in vain. She even told me if I don't stop instant-messaging her, she'll involve the police. She says I'm nothing but a bagful of lies and she can't stand me!

 

The lies didn't involve sleeping around with anyone's partner or loss to anyone's life, limb, property, career, or reputation! But, yes, I wounded her emotions deeply. I created something that didn't exist so she could like me more. I knew it was wrong at the beginning but it was something that made her feel good about herself and she really got invested in the lie. By that time, I was trapped in a web of unintended consequences. I'm not a habitual liar and have never done anything like that before.

 

My worst fear has come true: My friend has abandoned me because of my horrible blunder and despite my sincerest apologies. She means the world to me, Irene, and I had come to depend on her so much. I feel no animosity towards her, and I've told her I would do whatever it takes to make it up to her. I'm desperate for reconciliation and for her forgiveness! Do you think it's possible given the facts and circumstances of the case? What should I do?

Best
Hannah

 

ANSWER

Hi Hannah:

Even though your lies may have been well intended, they caused great hurt to your friend and my sense is that they have irreparably destroyed your relationship. Since your multiple apologies have fallen upon deaf ears, you have no choice but to step back and give your friend the time and space she needs to recover from this trauma. You need to understand that she may not ever be able to forgive you.

 

If you can come to understand why you needed to create this lie, I'm sure that you will have learned something about yourself and avoid something like this from happening again in the future.

 

You probably need some time to heal, too, but you will get over her.

My best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Five years ago, my girlfriend stopped communicating with me. I found out later on from my sister that my friend's husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer and I wasn't there for her.

The only reason I wasn't there was I did not know. Her daughter told me that I had been e-mailed about the situation but I never received the e-mail that I know of. And if she really needed me why didn't she call on the phone?

 

I have tried repeatedly to contact her and apologize. I have tried calling, sent cards and letters, and I have tried going by her business several times, unsuccessfully. I have even talked to her husband, who by the way is now cancer-free, and he said he had no idea how to win her back.

 

We were friends since we were four-years-old and to lose her after 40 years hurts deeply. Can I win her back, or is it hopeless?

Signed,
Angelina

 

 

ANSWER

Dear Angelina:

The loss of longtime friendship is extraordinarily painful---especially, when someone is dumped and the decision has been so one-sided.

 

Misunderstandings are common among friends---a better measure of a friendship is how often these occur and how we get over them. Two friends need to be able to communicate to get over the inevitable rough spots. Having a long shared history ordinarily provides a foundation of trust that makes it easier to clear up relatively minor misunderstandings. This can be more difficult when someone is very upset and has recently experienced trauma or loss, as your friend did when her husband was diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease.

 

Emails are easily deleted, forgotten, and overlooked---so it is plausible that she sent it and you never saw it, or that she meant to send it and never did. Whatever the case, it is now five years later and your apologies have been met with an unexplained wall of silence. There must be some other fundamental problem going on with your friend, one that may or may not have anything to do with you. When behavior can't be explained, there's usually a missing piece of the puzzle that you don't know about.

 

You have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Although this doesn't make the hurt any less painful, situations like this are not unusual and you need to reach closure on your own by continuing to build other solid friendships.

 

I hope this helps!

Sincerely,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

About 8 months ago, I had my heart broken by my best friend of three years. Liz and a guy I had been dating for a short time slept together after they had been drinking excessively. Liz and the guy, Dave, had been friends since high school and she was the one who set me up with him. However, this particular night, she told me she was lonely and was going to have sex with him - I didn't believe her. When I found out, I felt devastated and betrayed by them both.

Dave apologized repeatedly. We are no longer dating but I have been able to forgive him.
Liz, on the other hand, hasn't even apologized once and refuses to take responsibility for her part in what happened. She blames Dave completely and says he took advantage of her. She and I have had many talks but her story doesn't quite add up, especially since she said she intended to sleep with him that night.

Whenever I speak to Dave or mention something about him, she makes me feel SO guilty for talking to him "after what he did to her." Our mutual friends think she is blaming him so that she doesn't have to admit that she did something so wrong and hurtful to me.

Since this happened, I have turned into a jealous, self-conscious, mistrusting person with friends and boyfriends alike. I began self-medicating with alcohol and got into bad situations. She blamed me for anything bad that happened instead of seeing that I was in pain. In her eyes, we are still best friends. We have even discussed moving out of state together. However, I still don't forgive her or trust her.

I want an apology. I want to stop feeling manipulated, self-conscious, and depressed. I will always love her and don't want to hurt her, but being friends with her is hurting ME. Why haven't I been able to move past this after 8 months? Is there any chance our friendship can be saved? How can I talk about this with her without feeling guilty and manipulated?

Signed,
Hayley

ANSWER

Dear Hayley,

If Liz hasn't taken responsibility for her actions after 8 months, she isn't likely to apologize any time soon. Adding insult to injury, she has positioned herself, rather than you, in the role of the victim. YOU were the one who was betrayed by your two friends. Liz may believe you are still best friends simply because you've taken no steps to make her think otherwise.

Sometimes people believe they need to obtain closure from another person before they sever a friendship. This isn't true. Be forthright and open in expressing your anger and disappointment in Liz's behavior and move on. Follow up your words with actions. This will give you a sense of closure.

Liz lacks the empathy and insight you would expect from a good friend. You will continue to feel badly about yourself if you continue this toxic friendship in the hopes that Liz will change.

Hope this helps.

Best,

Irene

They both grew up in Wasilla and they’ve known each other for some 40 years since they attended the same elementary school. Each is an ambitious, outspoken, competitive, conservative, God-fearing, married, working mom with five kids. They live seven miles apart in a state whose area is so vast that it exceeds that of Texas, California and Wyoming combined.

Both are former beauty pageant contestants. Sarah won the Miss Wasilla contest and finished second in Miss Alaska; Kristan (whom Sarah calls "Krissy") was Miss Alaska and then Mrs. Alaska a few years later. In the more-than-you-want-to-know category, according to one hairstylist I know, they both wear as-seen-on-TV “Bumpits” hair lifts. When two women have so much in common and such a long shared history, it lays the foundation for a strong friendship.

But most female friendships, even the best of them, don’t last forever---so as their lives and career paths diverged, the two best friends could have easily drifted apart. Sarah, 45, pursued a career in politics, first as a mayor and then as a governor and a vice-presidential candidate while Kristan, 47, built a small but successful real estate business, heading up a team of 15 people. On her Facebook profile, Kristan “only shares certain information with everyone,” including the names of her friends; Sarah has more than 620,000 “supporters.” Kristan has remained intimately involved in Palin’s affairs as a supporter, campaign donor, and spokesperson. Kristan is a trustee of The Alaska Fund Trust, Sarah and Todd Palin’s legal defense fund.

As Governor, Sarah named Kristan to the Alaska Board of Agriculture and Conservation, an appointed regulatory position that serves at the pleasure of the Governor. In September 2008, when the McCain-Palin campaign launched a “Truth Squad” to combat the liberal media and dirty Democrats, Kristan was named to the Squad. Recently, Kristan assumed the awkward role of interpreting her pal’s bewildering resignation speech to the national press.

It’s hard to understand what makes some friendships stick while others fall apart. For better or worse, Sarah and Kristin remain BFFs. Shared history? Shared values? Loyalty? Trust? Maybe all of the above.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

About three or four weeks ago, I broke up amicably with a guy I was dating because the relationship just wasn't growing romantically. We lived about an hour apart and he usually would come to my place. As a result, he met many of my friends, especially one who was with us a lot. She had a difficult year and I tried to include her in things quite often. She became friendly with my ex, but they only knew each other through me.

 

This week, she called and asked if I would be all right if she went skiing with him. My ex had offered to take her. (We had all wanted to go this winter, but we never did make it together.) I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I found the whole thing inappropriate. We had quite a long conversation and were okay for the most part. But after thinking about this for several days, I can't believe she even asked me.

 

Well, if that had been me (and any other friend of mine, it seems) I wouldn't have needed to know how my friend felt. I would have simply said thank you to my ex for the invitation, but that his invitation wasn't appropriate. This isn't the first trust issue I have had with these two.

 

As I said, I spent a lot of time with her until my work got busy several months ago and I realized I was neglecting other friends. She texted my boyfriend telling him that she thought I was pulling away from her. Then she followed up with an email. She asked him to keep both confidential, but I found out, asked him, and he flat out lied to me. Big fight, but we resolved it. I chose not to tell her about this.

 

I have been a good friend and obviously she is still having a hard time but I don't want to put any more energy into the relationship with her. I don't think my feelings are unfounded. I distrust both of them and feel hurt. I have been a good friend to both and they have not shown the same respect to me.

Signed,
Sue

 

ANSWER

Dear Sue:

I imagine you were caught you off-guard when your friend initially asked for your "approval" to go skiing with your ex. Then you realized your ex had betrayed you as well, by asking her. The end of a relationship is usually disappointing. Even if we are the ones who decide to end them, we still mourn the ideal relationship that might have been.

 

This unfortunate incident with your "friends" re-opened a painful wound. We always hope that good friends have the sensitivity to not say or do things that will hurt our feelings, but sometimes this isn't the case.

 

The more egregious the lapse in judgment and/or the more often it happens, the less trusting of that person we become. You are right. Your friend should have anticipated how you would feel about being left out of a threesome you helped create. To her credit, at least she did ask before she put on her ski boots. Perhaps, you should have been more frank in expressing your disappointment in her judgment earlier.

 

Interestingly, your letter didn't end with a question. Sometimes the passage of time makes a situation-which once seemed murky-crystal clear. You seem to feel like you can no longer trust your friend. If that's the case, you just need to move on---unless she finds some way to regain your trust.

 

Have a friendship conundrum that's causing you distress? Write to me at: irene@fracturedfriendships.com

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm in my late 30's and for as long as I can remember (since early childhood), I have always been the "sometimes friend". Usually there are two friends who are inseparable. They are on each other's speed dial, they shop together, lunch together, and their families spend time together. And only sometimes...will they decide to include me. I have never had a "best friend" or someone that I would feel comfortable just calling up for a lunch date or to catch a movie. This leaves me feeling incredibly lonely.

For some reason, I have trouble making a personal connection with people. I am currently a stay at home mom and moderately outgoing. I am very active in a mom's group (two years now) that I really like. We have playdates for the kids and regular mom's night outs, etc.  I think most would say that I'm happy, optimistic, and fun natured, but I can't seem to make that personal connection or cross that boundary into friendship.

There are two women from the mom's group that I do spend some time with. Our families spend Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve together and we do a gift exchange. To me, it's very personal whom I share my family with for the holidays. But, I somehow end up feeling hurt and lonely because I have been relegated to being the "sometimes friend". They talk on the phone, shop, lunch, hang out together and have family events.... and don't invite me.

Should I end these relationships? Or continue with them even though they aren’t fulfilling for me? I feel like my choice is being the "sometimes" friend or having no friends. Also, I worry what my 3-year-old daughter is learning from my lack female bonding. She is in preschool and chooses to play with the boys. I'm worried that by continuing with these type  "friendless" friendships that I’m hurting her ability to learn to bond with other females as well. My worst nightmare is for her to grow up and live her life without a real female friend as I have.

Thanks,
Tara

ANSWER

Dear Tara,

It sounds like your friendships don’t offer the intimacy that you are craving. My guess is that while you are a sociable person and collect acquaintances (and even close friends), you are somewhat guarded and hold back from sharing your true self with your girlfriends. Thus, these relationships never evolve into “best friendships.” We’re all different and being somewhat reserved and private is an aspect of your personality that has been there since childhood.

Maintain these imperfect “sometimes friendships” because you derive pleasure from them; without them, you would be far lonelier than you are now. But you don’t need to choose between being a “sometimes friend” and nothing. Instead, try to take one of these friendships (or any other) to the next level. Make plans to get together with a friend and slowly begin sharing more of your self; my guess it that the boundaries will begin to dissipate over time.

Somewhat related: There is an interesting challenge that’s popular on Facebook these days. One of your Facebook friends sends you this note that reads as follows—Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

I took the challenge and wrote about myself online in a more intimate way than I had before. I found that people responded in kind by revealing more of themselves, and before I knew it, we were closer than before. In short, a sense of intimacy and trust between two people is what turns acquaintances into “best friends.” One caveat, it may not be practical to covet “best friend” status with someone that already has an exclusive “best friendship” but you should be able to accrete a best friend somewhere.

And don’t worry about your 3-year-old daughter yet or project your problem onto her. She isn’t old enough to assess the nature of your friendships or to set her own friendship trajectory. Becoming the best friend you can be will have the added effect of making you are more confident and happy mother. The fact that you don’t want to settle for “sometimes” is already a good sign.

Let us know how it goes.

Best,
Irene