toxic

Whether it's the occasion of a birthday or an anniversary, or the passing of another year or of another decade, it's human nature to periodically take stock of things. Turning the page on the calendar means looking back and looking forward, which often brings into bold relief those aspects of our lives where we think we've fallen short and want to do better. Most people (and resolutions) focus on health, finances, family and career---but our friendships also warrant some thought and close examination.

 

Here are 5 suggested ways to go about it:

 

1) Take stock of your inventory and rid yourself of any excess

No one relishes having a cluttered closet or overstuffed chest of drawers filled with so much "stuff" that they don't know what they have or can't access what they need. It can be as daunting as facing an empty closet or one with clothes that don't fit. Similarly, having too many friends (even good ones) or too many questionable friendships (Think: frenemies) can be a distraction that weighs someone down.

So, to start, I would suggest that you spend some time this week, perhaps a half-hour, assessing which of your friendships are true ones and decide to make them a priority. It might even help to make a list on paper. Because time is so finite, the trick to living a good life is skillfully balancing your family, career, friendships and private time so that it meets your own goals and desires. Consign the less rewarding friendships to a top shelf in your virtual closet where you don't often go and keep the treasured ones in view where they can be enjoyed and nurtured.

 

2) Examine whether you've been spending your time and energy with emotional vampires

Do you have a roster of toxic friends or frenemies in your life? (Caution: Having just one of them may be too much.) Do you have close relationships that are filled with ambivalence and hostility and that seem to drain your energy and leave you feeling stressed? Do some of your relationships feel one-sided and simply take too much work? Is your friend judgmental or competitive, by nature?

While most research on friendship and health focuses on the positive relationship between the two, some relationships are simply too stressful to be rewarding. One study (see reference below) suggests that the stress of unpredictable, ambivalent, love-hate relationships can lead to elevations in blood pressure. According to the researchers, a relationship with a friend who is "unreliable, competitive, critical or frustrating" would fall into this category .

In her final column in the Washington Post, columnist Ellen Goodman wrote about the importance of "letting go," reiterating thoughts she had written some 30 years earlier: "There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives...It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out."

Are you only hanging on to one or more friendships only because of your reluctance to let go of a shared history? Perhaps, you need to let go.

 

3) After you look carefully at your friendships, entertain the possibility that even with the friends you have, you may be lonely

Like our lives, friendships are dynamic and change over time. The friend you made in high school, the mom-friend you made when your children played together, or the woman you shared an office with may have little in common with you now. Each time we grow or make situational changes in our lives, it impinges upon our friendships. That's why we need to be open to making friends at every age and stage of our lives-whether at work, at school, or in your neighborhood.

It's easiest to form friendships with people with whom who have something in common. If you don't come into contact with many people (perhaps you're a new mother, in middle-age sandwiched between caregiving responsibilities, or have just moved to a new town where you don't know anyone), create opportunities to meet friends by pursuing your own interests (creative, athletic, political, spiritual). Join a gym, a book club, or a meetup group.

 

4) Make sure you have at least one "best friend"

It's far easier to acquire hundreds of Facebook "friends" and scores of Twitter followers than it is to develop a sense of intimacy and caring with a far more limited number of people that you would consider "best friends." Each of us needs at least one close friend with whom we feel open and trusting enough to bare our true selves; more than one is even better. These intimate relationships help affirm whom we are and whom we want to become.

Initially, two people "click" and feel comfortable together but a close friendship builds over time. There are no guarantees that these relationships will last forever but the risk of them withering away increases greatly if they aren't nurtured with time and caring.

 

5) Resolve to be a better friend to others

Do you give as much as you ask for? We may feel so comfortable with our closest friends that we take them for granted. Or we may be so set in our ways that we aren't sensitive to them.

I've been blogging about female friendships on The Friendship Blog for almost three years and have written nearly three hundred posts during that time. The most widely read post was written in February 2009 on the topic of "needy friends." Readers said they resonated to that post because they either felt that their friends demanded more than they were able to give or else that they, themselves, recognized that they were needy people who alienated others.

So perhaps a reminder is in order that in order: To have a best friend you have to be one. People need to be attuned to their friends' needs and give as much as they get. Although the balance shifts from day to day or from year to year, overall, a relationship needs to be reciprocal to have staying power.

Best wishes for the New Year! May it be filled with precious friendships that bring you health and happiness!

 

Reference: 

Holt-Lunstad, J., Uchino, B. N., Smith, T. W. & Hicks, A. (2007). On the importance of relationship quality: The impact of ambivalence in friendships on cardiovascular functioning. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 33, 1-12.

Picture this. Your 14-year-old daughter, Mindy, excitedly tells you she's bringing a new friend home for dinner. "She's so pretty and talented, and goes to church regularly," she says. "I can't wait for you to meet her." When the new BFF walks in the door, the first thing you notice is that she has a nose ring, is exceptionally shapely for her age, and has a body tattoo like Miley Cyrus strategically below her left breast (Well, you actually don't notice the tattoo until she takes off her jacket and you see her bare midriff in winter.) You swallow and tell yourself that it's unfair to judge someone on first impressions alone.

 

Things go from bad to worse. The new friend calls you by your first name, opens your refrigerator to see what's in it, and is texting incessantly even when you're all seated at the dinner table. In fact, she seems sullen and shows no interest in making conversation with your daughter or anyone else in your family. You ask yourself: Why would Mindy choose her as a friend?

 

Whether it's the Bully, the Tease, the Goth, the Shoplifter, the User, or the Faux-Friend who gossips behind your child's back, most moms have had the unsettling experience of their tween or teen coming home with a "bad friend." Here are 5 basic tips for moms facing this dilemma:

 

1) Your response depends on the age of your child. When kids are young, you're able to pick and choose their friends. By the time your child is a tween or teen, they should have the opportunity to choose their own friends.

 

2) Resist the urge to jump in. Don't embarrass your teen or make him/her feel babied in front of a peer. Don't attempt to parent the "bad friend" - that's not your job. Wait until after the friend has left to have "the talk" and to discuss your feelings and impressions with your child.

 

3) Coach, don't tell. Start by finding out what your teen or tween likes about her friend. It will encourage her to talk and the answers may surprise you. If you remain unconvinced that the friendship is a healthy one, express your concerns openly but don't tell your teen what to do. If you attempt to micromanage their friendships, they'll only resent your interference and get defensive. Believe it or not, they do hear what you say, which will lead them to question their own decisions when they're ready.

 

4) Focus on raising strong, confident teens. Helping teens to discover their own strengths and to feel good about themselves enables them to make better choices. Encourage them to be exposed to different types of friends through a variety of experiences in school and through sports, hobbies, and other activities in your community.

 

5) Share your own friendship stories. Don't make the mistake of perpetuating the myths of popular culture: that friendships are perfect, that you only need one best friend, and that all friendships will or should last forever. Share anecdotes from your own experiences that point out the potential pitfalls of friendship-as well as the virtues.

 

Of course, if a "bad friend" is making illegal, immoral or destructive choices, parents need to keep a very close eye on the friendship. But more often than not, parental misgivings (particularly those based on appearances alone) turn out to be misplaced. The "bad friend" who we knew would one day be a felon matures into a Fulbright scholar. During the tween and teen years, young people are struggling to figure out who they are and who they want to be. It is to be expected that they will make some mistakes in choosing friends and, hopefully, they'll learn important life lessons about friendship along the way if parents are there to guide them.

 

Have you had the experience of being a parent and welcoming a "bad friend" into your home?

Every mother knows how tough middle school friendships can be for young women. Dara Chadwick is a freelance journalist and writer who spent a year chronicling her Weight Loss Diary for Shape Magazine. That experience and her interviews and discussions with her readers led her to reflect on the effect that mothers have on their teen and tween daughters' body image and sense of self. She wrote You'd Be So Pretty If (Da Capo Lifelong, 2009) to help shape her daughter's "future relationship with her body" and that of other young women.

 

An entire chapter (Chapter 7) of this engaging book is focused on "Mean Girls and Frenemies." Since middle school can create many friendship challenges for young girls who are becoming women, I was delighted to talk to Dara about some of her findings.

 

Q. Why do young women focus conversation and gossip on each other's body size and shape?

 

In middle-school, especially, I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Everybody's body is changing, and they're all changing according to their own timetable. Some young adolescents look like grown women, while others still look like little girls. At this age, it's natural to worry and fret and wonder if you're normal. Gossiping is a way to find out.

 

Another characteristic of young adolescence is to not want to be different - to not want to stand out - from your peers in any way. Girls seek reassurance that they're OK and that they're just like everybody else. Finally, for some girls who are truly insecure, gossiping and "body bullying" is a way to assert power and dominance - to secure your place in the pack, so to speak.

 

Q. How do moms and the media contribute to this problem?

 

The media floods girls with enhanced and digitized images of models and of their favorite celebrities. Naturally, these images can cause girls to think that they can and should look like these enhanced images do. It's so important for moms to help girls realize that these images aren't real. In my book, I talk about teaching girls to look at media images the same way they'd look at art in a museum.

 

Sure, an image may be beautiful, but it's just a representation of one photographer or one magazine's idea of what beauty looks like. It's not a real goal that girls can attain with enough effort or self-control. It's also helpful for girls to see the level of re-touching that goes on in magazines. The Dove films at Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty are a great conversation-starter about what's real and what isn't.

 

Q. How can moms help build resilience among their daughters who will face these challenges?

 

It starts with being accepting of and kind to your own body. There's no denying the importance of friends in a young tween or teen's life - peers are a huge influence. But moms shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that they're no longer important. Our daughters are watching us and listening to the things we say about ourselves.

 

The thing that most surprised me in talking to the girls I interviewed for my book was how beautiful they think their moms are. Now, imagine how she feels when she thinks you're beautiful, but you do nothing but put yourself down. Not only is it hurtful, it's also teaching her not to trust her own feelings about what beauty is. Speaking kindly about your own body and treating it well with healthy eating and exercise also gives her permission to do the same for herself. From you, she can learn that it's OK for a woman to like her body. I think it's important to watch the way you talk about other women and girls, too. Snarky comments, criticisms or even compliments based purely on appearance or weight loss send a message to girls.

 

Q. What were some of our own memories of adolescence that you brought to the book?

 

Eighth grade was hands down the worst year of my adolescent life. My daughter is in eighth grade now and it's been fascinating to watch how her experience is unfolding. For me, I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I've always had curves and muscles, but I so wanted to be like my friends who had more boyish frames. In retrospect, my discomfort with myself often came across to others as aloofness, and I struggled with that at times.

 

By high school, I'd lost quite a bit of weight and found my niche on the cheerleading squad. But the weight loss didn't bring the body confidence I thought it would. I remember once that on career day, a representative from a modeling agency came in and spoke. There was a girl in my class who was quite tall and very pretty. The representative asked her to walk across the room, which she did with absolute grace and confidence. The representative then asked, in a totally smarmy voice, "Are there any cheerleaders in this room?" All heads turned to me immediately and she asked me to get up and walk across the room, too. I knew I was being made fun of and I remember it as being one of the most uncomfortable body image moments of my life. The outward appearance of cute little cheerleader didn't match the inner feelings. I try to remember that disconnect when I'm talking with adolescent girls.

 

Q. Under what circumstances should moms intervene in an obviously toxic teen friendship?

 

If your daughter is being teased, excluded or "toyed with" for lack of a better term, I think it's important to help her see that the behavior is really about the "friends" who are treating her this way and not about her. One of the best things you can do is help her develop multiple friendship groups so she can see that with her own eyes. If school friends are behaving badly, having other friends at dance class or at basketball who like her and treat her well helps her make that connection.

 

It can also be helpful to talk with her about what might be behind their behavior (for example, are they jealous? Not feeling good about themselves?), but only if it's something she's interested in talking about. Mostly, moms can help by being a sounding board if she needs to talk, by supporting her efforts to develop healthy friendships and by sharing stories of their own adolescences - if she wants to hear them, of course.

Have a friendship question? Ask the Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

You may not be able to picture yourself in a relationship like that of Wendy and her college friend Daphne but in the larger-than-life caricatures of two quintessential New Yorkers, novelist Lucinda Rosenfeld captures the essence of many close female friendships.

 

Daphne Uberoff is stunningly beautiful and has all the trappings of material success; Wendy Murman is a struggling magazine writer, with fertility problems and a slacker husband. As the gap between the two women widens, the jealousy and envy that Wendy harbors grows so extreme that it becomes corrosive.

 

I'm So Happy For You (Back Bay Books, 2009) portrays a less than perfect relationship between best friends that falls short of the romanticized notion we usually read about in novels. As often happens in real life, the huge fissures in this friendship are varnished over with the protective glue of shared history and experiences; the predictability of personalities (despite their peccadilloes); and with having friends and acquaintances in common. In such circumstances, no matter how bad or disappointing a relationship becomes, it's hard to let go.

 

In this breezy, light-hearted and engaging read, Rosenfeld aptly drives home the point that when it comes to best friends, these relationships aren't always as they appear to be.

 

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I discovered that most of them have an extraordinarily difficult time ending their friendships, even very toxic ones. It's not surprising. Like divorce, the potential losses can be staggering, extending well beyond the friendship per se.

 

That's because when two women are close, they tend to draw others into their circle: family members, neighbors, co-workers, and other friends. For example, if you're best friends with your neighbor, the chances are pretty good that your school-age children are friends, too. The kids may even be the raison d'être for the friendship. If you end your friendship, what repercussions will it have on them? Will they still feel comfortable having play dates? How will you feel when you see your ex-friend at a PTA meeting or on the soccer field?

 

If your friendship was centered in the workplace, there are also substantial risks of collateral damage. If you break off with a colleague, will you lose her support on work matters? Will you feel uncomfortable if you're assigned to work on the same project team or each time you pass her in the hall? Will other people around you, who knew how close you once were, feel awkward or ask questions? Might she say something that would irreparably impugn your reputation? If your ex-friend is in a supervisory role, could it pose a threat to your employment?

Any breakup extends beyond the two people directly involved. The longer and the closer the friendship, the more ties and connections there are to worry about: You may have introduced your friend to your other friends, to your extended family, or to other business associates. She's probably become a significant part of your little corner of the world.

 

So when you weigh the pros and cons of ending a friendship, don't overlook the possible side effects of the breakup and take them into account in making your decision. If you ultimately decide to proceed, do everything you can to mitigate the damage:

• Leave gracefully without harsh words or recrimination. Treat your ex-friend with respect simply because she once was your friend.

• Let her down easily by distancing yourself gradually. Perhaps, you can cut back on your time together from once a day to once a week, or you can downgrade a close friendship to a more casual one.

• Try to make it easier for the people around you by communicating what's happening, if appropriate, without going into details.

 

Admittedly, no two friendships are the same nor are the circumstances surrounding a breakup, but going about it with forethought, understanding and sensitivity helps everyone better adjust to the loss.

Megan McMorris is a Portland-based freelance writer who is the editor of a new anthology, P.S. What I Didn't Say: Unsent Letters to Our Female Friends (Seal Press). I had the opportunity to read a review copy of this clever book, which I enjoyed immensely. Each of its chapters takes the form of a letter to a friend, contributed by a talented group of female writers. I was delighted to pose some questions to Megan about her own friendships and to learn more about the back story of the book.

 

Megan, what inspired you to put this book together?

The book came together from a combination of things that were going on in my life. I had a friendship fallout with someone I felt was constantly belittling me in a subtle way (you know what I mean, right? It would definitely fit into the category of "toxic friendships" that you talk about in YOUR book!) and it made me think about why women put up with so much from their friends sometimes-and it made me really treasure those who I know are my true friends. So I thought, what a great idea to have a book about female friendships, but in a letter format. Kinda that "letter you always wanted to send" to your friend (or frenemy) that you've had percolating in your mind down to the last sentence but have never actually hit the "send" button (or sealed the envelope) on!

 

What are your thoughts about why women hold back in expressing their real feelings about their friends?

That's an interesting question. I notice that with my guy friends, they will say things to each other that women would NEVER say to each other. (Or, if they do, it causes a rift that can sometimes never be repaired.) That's why I enjoy having guy friends too-for example, my friend Pete used to have these incredibly (in my mind) dorky glasses and I was just about to suggest to the guy that we go eyeglass shopping together (he literally got Lasics not one week after I was about to suggest it so the point was moot, but I still tell him "thank God you got rid of those things, dude!") Would I ever suggest that to a female friend? Probably not, because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings (or have her resent me). That said, I do try to be as honest as I can with my female friends, but there's just a little more subtle nature to it. So to answer your question, I just think in general (obviously I'm grossly generalizing) guys are used to being more direct and women can tiptoe around issues. But heck, I'm not a professional like you are, I would love to hear YOUR take on just this topic! ☺

 

When you solicited letters from writers, what was the response like?

The response was really illuminating, actually! I had so many of the writers tell me "Oh my God, I've always wanted to tell my friend X" and it's like they'd always carried around this "unsent letter" (or e-mail) in their head. It was surprising to me, and it really created a community feel between myself and the 35 contributors. I heard from a lot of contributors that it was therapeutic to get it down in writing too, and some have even sent their letter to the friend. (Stay tuned for podcasts on my website where I'll be interviewing contributors about their letters!)

 

Why did you select the story about Diane as your contribution to the book---someone with whom you never became BFFs?

You know, when I first read that question, I was thinking "But wait, Diane IS one my best friends!" But no, you're right, in fact in my childhood, Andy was my twin-in-crime (we looked a lot alike, and we'd even plan out what we'd wear sometimes to Junior High, Esprit sweatshirts and Calvin Klein jeans down to our topsider shoes, ha ha!). Diane was always one of the group, but had another "best friend". And while I'm still very much just as close with Andy (and our other friend from growing up, Heather), there was something about Diane that made for such an interesting story, because it's a story about our friendship growing over time-literally from kindergarten through nearing 40, I feel closer to her now than I ever have. I could have filled a book with the fantastic friendships I have (including Andy, Heather and Anne Marie my best bud from college) but I just thought Diane and my story made for a more interesting letter for the purposes of this book.

 

In editing the book, what did you learn about female friendships?

That I'm not alone-I felt like I could relate with nearly each letter in some way. I've had the gamut of tried-and-true friendships that have spanned over 30 years, to situational friends who fade over time, to unfortunately those who really aren't looking out for your best interests (those are the sneaky ones, which your book will really help readers decipher and deal with!).

 

Megan is also the editor of Cat Women: Female Writers on Our Feline Friends and Woman's Best Friend: Women Writers on the Dogs in Our Lives (both books also published by Seal Press). She's written for magazines such as Woman's Day, Real Simple, Every Day With Rachael Ray, SELF, Parents, and many others.

Her websites are www.meganmcmorris.com and her book website is www.psanthology.wordpress.com where you'll find excerpts and a book trailer.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is a series of occasional posts on this blog that focus on books about friendship.  

 

After a tiff with your BFF, it's natural to get upset and ask yourself (or a third person), "What's wrong with her?" That's because it's much easier for all of us to recognize blemishes or faults in our friends than it is to look in the mirror.

But if you're finding that you're having frequent conflicts-either with the same person or with multiple friends-or that people who you thought were close friends often wind up dumping you, you have to consider whether there's something you are doing or saying that's sabotaging your own friendships.

Here are 5 possible signs of toxicity to watch out for:

1) Are you too needy? Are you always the one who asks to get together? Are you the one putting forth all the effort in the relationship? Friendships need to be reciprocal. Even an ideal relationship may not be balanced every day or even every year but there's a give-and-take that evens out over time. If you are constantly asking for attention, advice, support, time or even material favors from your friend, or are demanding more than they're able to handle, it's not unreasonable for them to grow weary of your neediness.

2) Are you too volatile? Do you blow-up each time things don't go your way or do you tend to hide your feelings until they spew out when they can no longer be contained? No one likes to be with a friend who is intense, unpredictable, and seething, or who is unwilling or unable to work out little problems (before they become big ones) by talking about them.

3) Are you too moody? Everyone has his or her ups and downs but it's difficult to be with a moody person no matter what the relationship. Are you always in the throes of depression? Are you so energetic to the point that you exhaust the people around you? If your moods seem too intense for others to bear or if your moods cycle rapidly, it may be off-putting.

4) Are you too blunt or invasive? Are you the type of person that always says what's on your mind and expresses every thought totally unvarnished? Do you probe and ask questions regardless of whether your friend is ready to answer them. Are you so pushy that you make friends squirm in their seats? Close friends need to be kind and respectful of each other's feelings, not say everything that comes to mind, and be sensitive to and responsive to the lines their friends draw around them.

5) Are you too insecure? Do your friends always make you feel one down to the point that you feel like you need to brag, lie or aggrandize your own situation? Do you hold back or feel too shy to talk, to disagree, or to set boundaries? Are you unable to talk about things that are important to you? If most people make you feel this way, you need to look inside and see how you can make yourself feel better.

If you have lost a friend or two in succession, it may not be anything to worry about. But if you begin to recognize a pattern of lost friendships, one after another, intermittently, or very often, it's time to take notice and at least consider the possibility that it's you, not her.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Hopefully, you can help me with my predicament. Over the past six months I've been "friends" with a 25-year-old girl. I'm a 37-year-old woman. Yeah, you know where I'm going with this! She is where I USED to be: binging, playing the victim role, can't find love, affection, or the attention she needs. Anyway, it's always about HER and I have reached the point where I don't pick up the phone when she calls or texts.

Today, I hadn't spoken to her in a week and was in a great mood so I answered the phone in a very "up" way. Immediately she said, "Oh, you're in such a good mood, that makes what I have to say even harder" and she went on about how she binged because she finally got the boot from her ex. He's done with her.

I listened, gave advice and she asked at the end like she always does, how I was. But I could tell she really didn't care. I developed a headache during the conversation and ended up eating more than I wanted to out of frustration. Thing is, I want to be there and help her, but not if it hurts me. I am the only one she can turn to help her build strength to overcome her demons. However, she's draining me and I'm just not sure what the best course of action is for me to take.

If you can shed any light on this, I would be eternally grateful!!

Signed,
Grace

ANSWER

Dear Grace,

Healthy relationships are reciprocal, with give and take on both sides. Having been in your friend's shoes, you have been very empathetic-but it sounds like her neediness and self-centeredness have become overwhelming.

Having only one person to turn to isn't good for either of you. If you are consistently getting headaches and feeling frustrated when you speak or spend time together, you need to step back and make some changes. Talk to your friend and tell her that while you care about her and want to help, you are her friend and not a therapist. Perhaps, you could gently raise the possibility of her talking to a counselor or therapist to resolve some of the unresolved issues that are making her unhappy.

Try to suggest doing things together that you both enjoy rather than giving her the opportunity to ruminate about her problems. You might also suggest that she try to find some friends who are closer to her in age. While the age difference between you isn't an inherent problem, it sounds like there is a maturity gap. It is telling that you call her a "girl" and you call yourself a "woman."

You, too, need to expand your circle of friends and find other relationships that help you grow in different ways. I know your patience is wearing thin, but try to be firm but kind. Perhaps, you need to allow her a little time to get over the trauma of her lost boyfriend before you step back. Hopefully, you can preserve your friendship but change the pattern and intensity of relating to one another.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

About 8 months ago, I had my heart broken by my best friend of three years. Liz and a guy I had been dating for a short time slept together after they had been drinking excessively. Liz and the guy, Dave, had been friends since high school and she was the one who set me up with him. However, this particular night, she told me she was lonely and was going to have sex with him - I didn't believe her. When I found out, I felt devastated and betrayed by them both.

Dave apologized repeatedly. We are no longer dating but I have been able to forgive him. Liz, on the other hand, hasn't even apologized once and refuses to take responsibility for her part in what happened. She blames Dave completely and says he took advantage of her. She and I have had many talks but her story doesn't quite add up, especially since she said she intended to sleep with him that night.

Whenever I speak to Dave or mention something about him, she makes me feel SO guilty for talking to him "after what he did to her." Our mutual friends think she is blaming him so that she doesn't have to admit that she did something so wrong and hurtful to me.

Since this happened, I have turned into a jealous, self-conscious, mistrusting person with friends and boyfriends alike. I began self-medicating with alcohol and got into bad situations. She blamed me for anything bad that happened instead of seeing that I was in pain. In her eyes, we are still best friends. We have even discussed moving out of state together. However, I still don't forgive her or trust her.

I want an apology. I want to stop feeling manipulated, self-conscious, and depressed. I will always love her and don't want to hurt her, but being friends with her is hurting ME. Why haven't I been able to move past this after 8 months? Is there any chance our friendship can be saved? How can I talk about this with her without feeling guilty and manipulated?

Signed,
Hayley

ANSWER

Dear Hayley,

If Liz hasn't taken responsibility for her actions after 8 months, she isn't likely to apologize any time soon. Adding insult to injury, she has positioned herself, rather than you, in the role of the victim. YOU were the one who was betrayed by your two friends. Liz may believe you are still best friends simply because you've taken no steps to make her think otherwise.

Sometimes people believe they need to obtain closure from another person before they sever a friendship. This isn't true. Be forthright and open in expressing your anger and disappointment in Liz's behavior and move on. Follow up your words with actions. This will give you a sense of closure.

Liz lacks the empathy and insight you would expect from a good friend. You will continue to feel badly about yourself if you continue this toxic friendship in the hopes that Liz will change.

Hope this helps.

Best,

Irene

Some of us are hoarders and some of us are tossers. Many of us do the same thing with our friends. Yesterday, I received a Twitter message that put the idea in bold relief. It explained the problem in less than 140-characters: Bad friends prevent you from having good friends--Gabonese proverb.

More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle pointed out that when it comes to “friendships of good” (or what we might call best friends today) there are limits to the number of relationships that can be juggled simultaneously. The precise number of manageable relationships varies from person to person: Some of us have greater social needs; some are better than others in making and keeping friends. Because of survival needs, some people have less discretionary time for socializing. And some are more adept than others in juggling work, family, friends, and alone time. Gender also comes into play: Compared to men, women tend to favor a smaller, more intimate circle of friends.

Robin Dunbar, a British sociologist, studied social groups of non-human primates to estimate the number of social connections that a human being could handle at one time. That concept has been dubbed “Dunbar’s number.” He concluded that 150 is the number of friends, both close and casual, that humans are functionally hardwired to handle at the same time (the number limited by the volume of the neocortex of the brain). Another study at Liverpool University in the 1990s also found that most people have an extended network of about 150 people they consider distant acquaintances and about five that they consider close friends.

Friendships are inherently dynamic, but if you’re a hoarder, it’s tough to let go---even if the friendship has turned toxic or one-sided. And since ending a friendship is likely to be a one-way street, it isn’t something to be done in haste or taken lightly.

Yet maintaining friendships that no longer work is like having a closet cluttered with clothes of all different sizes that no longer fit. If you organize and declutter, it’s a lot easier and more rewarding to get dressed each morning. Similarly if you’re spending your time and emotions on friendships that aren’t satisfying, you are keeping yourself from developing new ones that may be more fulfilling.

TWITTER VERSION: Audit your friendships because having too many bad ones can prevent you from having good ones