tips

What would you say to Elin Nordegren (Mrs. Tiger Woods) if you were her BFF? Bad news can take many forms but the rules of friendship-on how to help a close friend who is dealing with bad stuff-are fairly universal.

 

What would you say to any friend who was experiencing an overwhelming personal problem? It might be the friend who didn't get into her dream school, the friend whose boyfriend broke off with her, the friend whose husband lost his job, the friend whose son's recent drug charges made their way into the local paper, the friend who had another miscarriage, the friend whose home has been foreclosed by the bank, the friend who was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer, the friend whose daughter has an obvious eating disorder, the friend whose young child was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the friend who suddenly lost her husband, or the office friend who was passed over for a promotion.

 

Although bad stuff happens all the time-at every age and stage of life-it's probably the first time your friend has been faced with this problem. As a result, she may feel confused, alone, victimized, and/or ashamed-and have trouble coping.

 

Here are some suggestions about what you might do as a friend:

 

1) Acknowledge that you know what happened

The story doesn't have to make the front page of US Weekly or the NY Post, but when people in your office, neighborhood, or circle of friends know that something bad went down, don't pretend that you don't-especially if you are a close friend.

Some people think it's impolite to acknowledge that they heard bad news or think that it isn't their place to say anything. They also may not know what to say. This leaves the friend in trouble feeling alone and isolated, even from her closest friends, and unsure why people are reacting that way. Do they know or not? Does their mean they blame her for what happened? Are her friends purposely distancing themselves from her? Are they uncomfortable talking about what happened? Think about how you would feel in similar circumstances. It's a very lonely place to be.

In the most general way, tell your friend that you heard about what happened and that you're so sorry she's in this situation. If your friend asks how you found out, be as honest as you can be without hurting her. If it was a third-person who told you, you don't need to name names.

 

2) Be a good listener and keep the questions to a minimum

She may not be ready to talk and may be unsure of her own feelings. Instead, prime yourself for being a good listener. Don't ask probing questions, prying for details that she doesn't want to discuss or isn't ready to divulge. Let her take the lead in the conversation. By listening, you'll be able to gauge her comfort level in what she's ready or not ready to talk about.

Remind your friend that she can trust you. Ensure her that you'll keep everything she tells you private and MEAN it. If someone has a public profile or has been deeply hurt by someone close to her, she may be particularly wary of other people-including good friends.

 

3) Offer your best advice

She may be grappling with a series of difficult decisions. For example, should she file for divorce, should she seek custody of the kids, should she leave for a vacation in Sweden, and should she talk to the press? It's hard to know what's right and wrong for a friend unless you are in her shoes and know all the facts. Yet, you only know part of the story-what you've heard or what you've been told, not what she's experienced.

My feeling is that friends expect to get unsolicited advice from their close friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that your friend will act upon it but at least you will have provided her with someone else's outside perspective-an opinion from someone who knows and cares about her.

If she rejects what you say, she may have not told you everything, she may not be ready to hear or act upon what you have to say, or she may simply have a different opinion. Unless your friend is engaging in obviously self-destructive behavior, you probably should step back and give her some time to consider or reject your advice.

 

4) Let her know that you are there for her

At times like this, women need their female friends. Tell her explicitly that you want to help out in any way you can. Even if you feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's 14 purported mistresses or the prognosis of her illness, let her know you are there for her in concrete ways. You can offer to watch the kids so she can have some time off or offer to drive her to treatments. Ask her what she needs. If she isn't able to tell you, make some suggestions.

Being there is a process rather than a one-time event. Check in with her periodically even if she doesn't feel like chatting. Keep the calls short or write her a brief note, telling her that you want her to know that you're thinking about her and are available to help when needed. If her needs or those of her family are overwhelming, ask her permission to organize a group of friends who can take turns, for example, bringing meals to the family on different evenings. Recognize that her needs may change over time.

 

5) Resist the temptation to tell her that you know how she feels

You may have experienced death, divorce or disability, but your experience may be far different than hers. Show respect to your friend by listening and responding to her personal experience rather than reciting your own. People need to find their own ways to understand and cope with bad news and loss.

 

I truly hope that Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren have good friends. Sometimes only our female friends can help us dig out of an emotional crisis by being there, providing support, and helping us recognize our own strengths.

 

What are some other ways that you can be there for a friend in trouble?

 

Being a BFF takes effort, especially when friendships are  challenged by time and distance. These five tried and true tips were gleaned from insights contained in more than 16,000 essays submitted in the No nonsense® Between Friends Contest. For more information, visit www.nononsense.com.

 

1.  Be invested. It's going to be a bit harder to connect through different time zones and different phases of life, but if you're serious, you'll be invested for the long haul. Being invested can be as simple as remembering to call weekly or monthly or as complicated as making the effort to plan vacations together. And the investment can vary over time and space, as long as the relationship remains positive and fulfilling for both friends.

2.  Be authentic. The internet offers new and wonderful ways friends can share and get really personal through online support groups and chat rooms. It's paramount that you represent yourself authentically because trust and honesty are the foundation of any relationship whether it's in person or on line. When you're sharing about a personal issue, make sure you're telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth...if you don't, your friend will know.


3.  Make a pact. Many friends separated by time or distance have an unwritten code ... that no matter what, they'll always take that long weekend in October. Or kick off the summer with that special beach celebration. Make these "appointment" meetings the rule not the exception and do not cancel.

 

4.  Be creative in your contact. Don't just call. Jot a quick note saying that, even though you may be separated by distance, you're thinking about her. Text her just to say hi. Send flowers to her office. Remember her birthday and anniversary. Little things go a long way.

 

5.  Make new memories and share old ones. While time and distance certainly pose difficulties, the best friends don't let that stop them. Sharing a wonderful new memory is a great way to reconnect. Upload a photo to Facebook. Send a photo to your friend in that different time zone. Share a new experience or details of a great evening out ... and let your friend know how much you missed them. Or regale your bi-coastal buddy with a "remember when?" ... she'll get a kick out of a long-forgotten memory popping up on a Tuesday evening. And she'll thank you for it!

If you spend as much time online as I do, you're bound to make new friends. And when you share common interests, the bond is almost immediate. Since writing my book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I've been lucky to get to know a number of women who spend their days (and many nights) thinking about female friendships. Dawn Bertuca and Tina Bishop, the co-creators of Girlfriend Celebrations are two of my favorites. My relationship with them is synergistic: We share ideas, content, contacts, and warm fuzzies.

 

I really liked a recent post by Tina called Ten Tips to Help A Girlfriend Get Well that was posted on their site because whether it's a mild case of the flu or something more serious, good friends are there for each other. Here is Tina's guest post, reprinted with her permission.

 

Ten Tips to Help a Girlfriend Get Well
By Tina Bishop

 

With this season of colds, pneumonia and swine flu, someone in your circle of friends might be feeling under the weather right now. Recently the Girlfriends-in-Chief themselves were shut-in for one illness or another and personally understand "It's really pretty sucky!" So we're here to remind you to take a minute out of your busy schedule, arm yourselves with love and compassion and let a girlfriend know you are thinking of her. Taking some time to nurture a girlfriend can make a world of difference not only in her life but yours as well.

 

When a person is unable to take part in normal daily activities outside their home, their world shrinks dramatically. Keeping in touch and connected to the outside world can be a saving grace. By daily taking time to phone-a-friend you provide emotional support and mental stimulation. Yes, being her link to the outside world is an important role, so don't forget to ring and do so often.

 

All too often women offer to help each other by saying, "If there's anything I can do, please give me a call." Yet, the phone never rings. And why, you might ask? Because as women, we us feel uncomfortable asking others for help unless it's an emergency. Women are not taught to ask others for help but believe that they can do everything. Women in our society strive to be super mom, super wife...super everything. So do your girlfriend a favor and don't put her on the spot! Don't ask if you can help, just do it! Your unsolicited thoughtfulness and caring is like chicken soup for the heart. A healthy dose will do a girlfriend some good.

 

Here are 10 ways to show a girlfriend you care:

1. Mail her a card everyday she is unable to leave the house. Ask other girlfriends to do the same. A daily reminder that you and others are thinking of her will add a little color to a blue day.

2. Drop off a basket of magazines, books or movies. Keeping her mind occupied will help to keep her spirits up.

3. Leave a favorite treat on her doorstep. (white chocolate mocha, hot apple pie) A yummy treat will do wonders to warm her heart.

4. While you are out grocery shopping, pick up a few extra staples of fresh fruit vegetables, bread or milk. The perishables in her refrigerator will be the first to go bad and are packed with nutrients to help a sick one heal.

5. Send over a basket of homemade soup, crusty bread and cookies, along with the recipes. A bowl of steamy soup will help to warm a bluesy day.

6. Have the little ones you know create a special and bouquet of colorful tissue paper flowers for her. Brighten her room with cheerful color, a special touch to remind her you care.

7. Load up a disc of happy and inspiring music to step up her mood.
8. Give her a scrapbook kit to fill while she has the time on her hands. Getting the chore of putting her pictures away will be much appreciated.

9. Make a few freezer meals for her to store for use when she really needs some help.

10. Rent a few video games for her to t try. Adding some fun to her day with video games she's never played can be just the prescription she needed.

 

Helping a girlfriend during a time of need can be a truly rewarding gesture. How have you have helped the friends in your life? We'd love to hear about it. Click on GirlfriendCelebrations for more ways nurture your friendships.

 

Things just aren't the way they used to be between you and your BFF. Either you're bickering, bored or uptight when you're together. While you used to be attached at the hip, there's suddenly a wedge between you. What's a girl to do?

1) Assess what's going on between you

Try to think objectively and make sure that you really want to mend the friendship. Your latest tiff may just be a sign that the relationship has been doomed for a while. Have you simply outgrown each other? That's no one's fault. People change over time and not always in the same direction. Have the same problems recurred time after time? Maybe the bad chemistry or sense of imbalance between you has become so overwhelming that it is impossible to transcend. Or--- is it something that you think you might really be able to fix? If so, proceed to Tip 2.

2) Pinpoint what happened

If it is something you said or did, or something you didn't say or do---or if the problem was with her, talk about it. No friendship is perfect and each one has tiny kinks that need to be worked out. Communicating avoids little problems from escalating into big ones that can undermine a relationship.

3) Be the first to offer the olive branch

If you know you were in the wrong, take responsibility for your mistake. Tell your friend how important the relationship is to you and show her in some small but concrete way. Invite her to dinner or send her a card that says, "I'm sorry."

If she was in the wrong, practice forgiveness. Harboring resentment towards someone has a way of bouncing back like a boomerang to hurt you (including raising your blood pressure). Let go of the disappointment. Having a shared history should provide a strong foundation that allows a friendship to weather small hurts.

4) Step back after you've tried

Be sensitive to her response. Okay, you've been thinking about how you were going to handle this fiasco, for hours or maybe even weeks and months. But you just sprung your thinking on her and she may need time to mull it over. If her answer is "No way," accept it for the moment, give it some time, and try again. If she repeatedly blows you off, you may have to accept her decision and move on.

5) Don't necessarily view endings as a failure

Friendships have beginning and endings. Ones that last forever are more likely to be the topic of novels and television scripts (think Sex & The City). The women I surveyed for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, talked about even very close friendships having "expiration dates" and "shelf lives." And sometimes women breathe a sigh of relief after an ambivalent or toxic friendship is over.

Friendships are wonderful and life affirming. If we're lucky, each one provides us with new wisdom so they get better and better!