time

As soon as my brother-in-law learned that my mother's health was declining, Don responded by putting her on his Saturday morning "call list." Every weekend, Don places calls to a growing list of friends and relatives who are housebound, lonely, and/or ill. His uplifting phone calls aren't obligatory. He calls because he cares and is genuinely interested in listening to people and helping them solve or better cope with their problems.

 

Some people live very lonely lives. Last week a 78-year-old retired New York City schoolteacher, named Jane Wild, who lived in a white Cape Cod in my own hamlet (Chappaqua, New York) was found dead in her second-floor bathroom. The local newspaper reported that Wild was a recluse with few friends and no family except for a sister who lived with her, until she died in 1985. Since then, Jane was only known to have received occasional visits from a male friend, who died last summer. What made the story all the more remarkable was that Jane Wild had been dead for at least six months before anyone even noticed---this, despite the fact that her utilities had been turned off and mail had accumulated to the point where her mailbox was so stuffed that the mailman stopped delivering. No neighbors had thought to check on her.

 

Like hand-penned letters, the number of phone calls being made is decreasing relative to other types of electronic communications. There was a time---before email and faxes---when many workers had long "call lists" on their desks with the names of colleagues they planned to contact the next morning. Now people are more likely to text, IM, tweet, or use email, depending on their age and personal preference. The contact may take place while they are walking down a city street, or riding in a car or train. People tend to multi-task rather than listen to the person at the other end of the phone with full attention.

 

Phone calls, even perfunctory ones, may have already become altogether passé. My twenty-something son, like a growing number of Americans doesn't own a landline. He recently told me that he rarely initiates cell phone calls (yes, he still gets them from me!) except when there's a problem with his bank account or cable TV.

 

Yet a simple phone call with a warm voice at the other hand can change a person's day. I'm amazed at how Don's phone calls can perk up my mom's spirits, albeit for a short time. It makes you wonder if each of us should have a Saturday morning "call list" to express our affection for the people we truly care about.

I don't recall how I tripped over Jessica Kettle Kechian's blog, Cougar Tales, but I'm glad I did. I was smitten by one of her posts on friendship. Jessica was gracious to allow me to reprint it here on The Friendship Blog as a guest post.

P.S. I think it would be nice if every woman had at least one "BIF" like Beth.

 

My BFF
Written by Jessica Kettle Kechian

 

I always believed that when you found a friend you stayed friends forever. Fast forward life 31 years and I've learned how much that is not the case. I have had a ton of friends in my day and a few that made it to the "best" status. Out of all these friends, many have drifted away through our different circumstances of life. Some have become acquaintances. Very few are still dear friends. Only one remained as my best friend forever for almost the entirety that I have known her. She is my BFF. I actually call her just BFF - pronounced "bif".

 

BFF has been my best friend since we were about 6 or 7. She moved in next door after my other friend and his family moved out. I was devastated and couldn't imagine someone better suited for me would move in there. I walked past the house a few times as they moved in...on purpose...like a stalker. Finally, her aunt asked me to come over and meet my now BFF and her cousin. Later, I asked her to come over but her grumpy Greek dad said, "Bif, we don't even know these people."

 

It was only a matter of time before we were inseparable. BFF and I did everything together. We worshipped Bon Jovi. We put on shows in our back yards every summer and even had business cards. We were called the Broadway Babes (well, only by the family members we gave our business cards to). BFF and I took dance classes for years, we were in cheerleading together and we even worked together everything weekend for 10 years at her parents' luncheonette. Her parents became my second set of parents. And, mine hers.

 

We stayed friends through every possible milestone - good things and bad as you can imagine. We moved out of our childhood homes, went off to different colleges, had fun and dramatic times post-college and eventually settled into new towns over an hour from each other.

 

Friends shift into different people at different stages of their life or seasons. When this happens, they sometimes become different friends to us. Maybe they are no longer "best" friends" but become more like acquaintances. Maybe a friend is your "going out gal" or your "stayin in sista". Maybe she is a gym buddy, guy venting, or advice-giving friend. BFF and I certainly shifted through different seasons at different times.

 

Over the years, we have grown into different people and have different interests. To name a few: I love going out for dinner and/or drinks. She only wants to go out on birthdays and special occasions. I like to taste new wines. BFF likes to ride on her boyfriend's motorcycle. I am a planner and she, not so much. We probably would never see each other if it wasn't for me. She cancels plans the day of. She doesn't always call me back. She hates driving to my town. And, yet somehow, I always put her on a pedestal. I know we will be best friends forever and here's a few reasons why:

 

• We know more about each other than anyone else in the world does.
• We still love Bon Jovi.
• We can talk about really deep topics or laugh our booties off.
• She swears I am thin when I'm chubby.
• She thinks I'm normal when I feel crazy.
• She picks out the best friendship cards that I know were written just for us.
• She sticks up for me when I can't.
• She has answers when I don't.
• She loves me regardless of who I am.
• She is my seasonless Best Friend Forever.

 

A note from Jessica: Cougar Tales became my pet project last summer so I could get some thoughts out of my head and cure my boredom with my corporate gig. I had no clue beforehand about blogging but I quickly became absorbed. After starting, I realized that there aren't any rules. You can write about things that matter most or things that don't matter at all. As strange as this sounds, I have actually made some online friends. My husband thinks it's odd that I "talk" to people I have never met but I think it's kind of cool. It bends the rules of traditional friendships that are established on the basis of what school you went to, where you work, and whether you have children or not. There are undiscovered ways to meet new friends that you never expect. Lots of people visit my blog thinking I'm a "cougar" chronicling my life. Not the case. Simply put, I write about life...as it seems to me. One of the common themes you'll find on my blog is friendship. And, one of my favorite people to write about is my best friend, Beth.

 

I have to admit that each time I watch a re-run of Sex and The City, I'm jealous of Carrie Bradshaw's friendships. The foxy quartet seems to have infinite time and opportunity to sit, talk, and laugh.

 

For me, carving out time to meet a friend for a leisurely lunch feels like a guilty indulgence even before I look at the menu. To tell the truth, I'm so pressured by the unfinished tasks on my to-do list that I even hesitate to take the time to catch up with friends by phone. Feelings like this are eerily reminiscent of the days when I was a student weighed down by homework assignments. Now, I'm still driven by deadlines and responsibility. I know what you're thinking: A "friendship doctor" who doesn't have time to nurture her own friendships? Mea culpa. It's easy to get caught up in the stuff of life and forget what's important.

 

Even Sarah Jessica Parker isn't the same person as the character she plays in the series either. In a recent interview in USA Weekend, the busy wife, mother, actor and producer admits that she, too, is envious of Carrie. "One of the many differences between myself and Carrie Bradshaw is that it's as if she has 48 hours in the day," she says. "She can really luxuriate in her friendships and nurture them by virtue of the choices she had made in terms of career and family."

 

Certainly, the friendship patterns of the last two generations of women are infinitely more complex and dynamic than the ones that preceded them. Our lives are filled with more possibilities. When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women repeatedly echoed the sentiment that having one best friend isn't enough---particularly if that best friend moves away, gets married, changes careers, gets divorced, has children, becomes widowed, retires or her life circumstances change significantly. The dynamic lives of two close friends rarely follow parallel paths.

 

There is abundant research that suggests that close friendships are essential to a woman's health and emotional well-being; these vital ties enable them to become better wives, mothers, daughters, and workers. To maintain these relationships, though, women need to create and maintain face-to-face rituals with their female friends. This can take the form of a book club, cooking club; planning regular get-togethers; joining a civic, political or religious group; having a weekly game night (bridge, Scrabble, Bunco, or mah-jongg); or planning periodic girlfriend getaways (if your friends are out-of-towners). One woman told me that she and her best friend have a regular "date night," penciled in on their calendars each week.

 

The choices we make depend on our personalities, interests and life situations. But to make life-affirming and joyful friendships that stick, there's no substitute for putting in the time. We all need to develop routines to incorporate friendships into the ordinary fabric of our lives and make them a priority--just like Carrie and the girls.

 

Being a BFF takes effort, especially when friendships are  challenged by time and distance. These five tried and true tips were gleaned from insights contained in more than 16,000 essays submitted in the No nonsense® Between Friends Contest. For more information, visit www.nononsense.com.

 

1.  Be invested. It's going to be a bit harder to connect through different time zones and different phases of life, but if you're serious, you'll be invested for the long haul. Being invested can be as simple as remembering to call weekly or monthly or as complicated as making the effort to plan vacations together. And the investment can vary over time and space, as long as the relationship remains positive and fulfilling for both friends.

2.  Be authentic. The internet offers new and wonderful ways friends can share and get really personal through online support groups and chat rooms. It's paramount that you represent yourself authentically because trust and honesty are the foundation of any relationship whether it's in person or on line. When you're sharing about a personal issue, make sure you're telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth...if you don't, your friend will know.


3.  Make a pact. Many friends separated by time or distance have an unwritten code ... that no matter what, they'll always take that long weekend in October. Or kick off the summer with that special beach celebration. Make these "appointment" meetings the rule not the exception and do not cancel.

 

4.  Be creative in your contact. Don't just call. Jot a quick note saying that, even though you may be separated by distance, you're thinking about her. Text her just to say hi. Send flowers to her office. Remember her birthday and anniversary. Little things go a long way.

 

5.  Make new memories and share old ones. While time and distance certainly pose difficulties, the best friends don't let that stop them. Sharing a wonderful new memory is a great way to reconnect. Upload a photo to Facebook. Send a photo to your friend in that different time zone. Share a new experience or details of a great evening out ... and let your friend know how much you missed them. Or regale your bi-coastal buddy with a "remember when?" ... she'll get a kick out of a long-forgotten memory popping up on a Tuesday evening. And she'll thank you for it!

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm 28 years old and a TV journalist. About 3 years ago, I met another female reporter to whom I took an instant liking and we became close friends. At the outset, I felt deeply for her and she grew to like me, too. We hung out together, vacationed together, and I loved doing things for her. Although we had disagreements, there was no professional rivalry or backstabbing between us.

 

I lost my parents in 2007 and 2009. My mistake was that I lied to her about something, which I subsequently covered up with more lies. This lie went on for nearly two years. Initially, my friend was only curious about the lie but began asking a series of questions. When she asked to meet with me on September 1, I sensed something was amiss and dreaded losing her friendship. She was the most important person in my life.

 

When we met, my friend told me what she had uncovered and I owed up to my huge blunder! She was deeply dejected and told me that I was the darkest person she had ever met, now her worst enemy. She said she didn't want to have anything else to do with me and wants me out of her life. When I lost my dad on September 7th, I desperately wanted to speak with her but she didn't want to and accused me of taking advantage of my dad's death.

 

This friend had been the fulcrum of my existence. From that day on, I've apologized repeatedly but it all seems in vain. She even told me if I don't stop instant-messaging her, she'll involve the police. She says I'm nothing but a bagful of lies and she can't stand me!

 

The lies didn't involve sleeping around with anyone's partner or loss to anyone's life, limb, property, career, or reputation! But, yes, I wounded her emotions deeply. I created something that didn't exist so she could like me more. I knew it was wrong at the beginning but it was something that made her feel good about herself and she really got invested in the lie. By that time, I was trapped in a web of unintended consequences. I'm not a habitual liar and have never done anything like that before.

 

My worst fear has come true: My friend has abandoned me because of my horrible blunder and despite my sincerest apologies. She means the world to me, Irene, and I had come to depend on her so much. I feel no animosity towards her, and I've told her I would do whatever it takes to make it up to her. I'm desperate for reconciliation and for her forgiveness! Do you think it's possible given the facts and circumstances of the case? What should I do?

Best
Hannah

 

ANSWER

Hi Hannah:

Even though your lies may have been well intended, they caused great hurt to your friend and my sense is that they have irreparably destroyed your relationship. Since your multiple apologies have fallen upon deaf ears, you have no choice but to step back and give your friend the time and space she needs to recover from this trauma. You need to understand that she may not ever be able to forgive you.

 

If you can come to understand why you needed to create this lie, I'm sure that you will have learned something about yourself and avoid something like this from happening again in the future.

 

You probably need some time to heal, too, but you will get over her.

My best,
Irene

 

The connection between two friends is often indescribable. It just feels right whenever you are together. When I met Rita, I was an eleven-year-old awkward adolescent.  She was a poised, charming and strikingly attractive kindergarten teacher who chose me as the fifth-grade “monitor” to make sure that all the kids in her class stood in a straight line when they walked down the hall and cleaned up their wooden desktops after finger-painting. She first became my mentor and role model and later became a friend.

Over time, we forged a unique, intergenerational friendship that made the years between us disappear. As a second act in her career, Dr. Rita Dunn became an inspiring, internationally renowned professor of higher education; prolific author of more than three hundred articles, book chapters, monographs, and research papers; and authority (and missionary) on using individual learning styles to improve teaching. During that second career, the working wife and mother mentored more than 160 doctoral students, many of whom now occupy positions of leadership in their own right.

By any measure, she was an extraordinary woman with whom I was fortunate to have had an exceptional relationship. Although we weren’t in constant contact over the years, we stayed connected through periodic notes to each other and emails, punctuated by occasional visits. More than that, we just “clicked.” I understood her and she “got” me. As she passionately blazed her way through the various phases of womanhood, I depended on her for advice (which she was never short of) and wisdom to ease the bumps for me. We celebrated our remarkable friendship with a champagne toast when I took her to lunch for her 80th birthday last May.

I visited her at her home this Wednesday in a torrential downpour. I wanted to be with her. Only three weeks earlier, she had had trouble breathing and was hospitalized after arriving at the ER. After tests of every organ and body system, she was diagnosed with a particularly aggressive type of metastatic cancer. “It doesn’t look good,” she told me.

Soon after being discharged, she was admitted to another hospital in Manhattan where she was treated for ascites (an uncomfortable buildup of fluid in the abdomen) and then released for further outpatient treatment closer to home.  Earlier last week an oncologist told Rita and her family that treatment might only extend her life by several weeks. She declined and bravely braced herself for the days that followed.

When I arrived, Rita was sitting upright in a lounge chair caressed with stacks of pillows on each side of her but she still winced from pain. Her body was swollen with fluid and her skin was stretched to the breaking point from her waist to her toes. We held hands and she told me that she had led a blessed life for seven decades (happily married to her husband for more than half of them), had a wonderful extended family, a legion of friends, and had achieved all her dreams.  I left to pick up some medicines for her and when I returned Rita was napping peacefully. I tiptoed out, planning to return this weekend.

Ironically, as I was thinking about what I might blog about on the occasion of Friendship Day, the phone rang with a call telling me that Rita had passed away at 5AM yesterday. In 1935, the US Congress proclaimed the first Sunday in August each year as Friendship Day. Unlike Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, or Christmas, holidays that have become highly commercialized, there are no expectations of gifts, cards, flowers, or for this holiday. Most people probably haven’t heard of it, so if you choose you can act as if it is just another Sunday. On the other hand, you can decide to set aside time to celebrate the friendships that enrich your life.

With the hectic pace of our lives, it’s too easy to take friendships, even very good ones, for granted. Use Friendship Day as an excuse to rethink and realign your friendship priorities. It’s easy to get sucked into spending your time with a needy friend who constantly seeks out your companionship but consistently drains your energy, or with a toxic friend who is filled with ambivalence but conveniently lives next door. Consciously choose the friends you want to spend time with and nurture the relationships that matter most.

Rita Dunn was the most influential woman in my life, hands down, yet the time we spent together over the years feels far too brief. Balancing life, work, family and friendships often makes me feel like I’m on a high wire. It’s far easier to keep moving forward without making choices. I feel like I was on autopilot and almost imperceptibly lost control of my priorities, spending the bulk of my time with people and things that were less important to me. Losing Rita reminds me that I owe it to myself and those who matter most to spend my precious moments wisely.

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

I found your blog and it is very interesting!! I recently had a break up with a group of friends. Due to circumstances beyond my control I didn't have much time to spend with them during the spring. Instead of understanding and being happy with weekly dinners or phone calls, they alienated me because I was never free to share a few beers on Fridays or Saturdays. When asked how I had hurt them enough to end a friendship I received nasty lip service that I did not even know these women had in them.

Prior to all of this happening, I was promoted at work and started dating a fantastic guy. Never once in our friendship have I been congratulated on any success I've had. They have never been kind to any men I have dated, and I've always been the first to call and catch-up.

I think due to my age (25) they are extremely immature which has led to cattiness and jealously. Regardless, of my discovery this situation is still very painful. Do you have any suggestions on how to get over this?

Thanks!
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi Anonymous,

I'm glad that you stumbled upon my blog and hope that I can give you a few thoughts that may be helpful.

It is always hard to be dumped by a friend but to be dumped by a group is wicked. It reminds me of a scene from Desperate Housewives. It is quite peculiar for grown women to gang up on someone the way these "friends" have on you. It sounds like you've made every effort to stay in contact with your friends even though you have less time available---for good reasons (dating a fantastic guy and getting a promotion at work.)

You have several options:

1) Are you certain that you haven't been flaunting your good luck to friends who are envious of you? It doesn't sound like this is the case but it's always good to step back and think about how you come across to others.

2) Are you sure that you really want to be friends with this group of women? You've characterized them as jealous and catty, and it sounds like they may be more intent on seeing you fail than seeing you succeed.

3) If you are confident that you want to remain friends, here is one strategy to try: Sometimes people show their worst sides in a group---they may be far less willing to act the same way in a one-on-one situation. Take advantage of this. Is there one person to whom you feel closer to than the rest, someone you would feel comfortable approaching and talking to honestly about how badly this situation has made you feel? Or could you develop a relationship with one of the women apart from the group?

4) Another option would simply be watchful waiting: Can you take a breather from this group and see if the problem resolves itself on its own over time? In the meantime, it sounds like you have a full life with work and the guy you are dating. Consider yourself very fortunate. Of course, that doesn't substitute for close female friendships, so try to nurture new friendships with other women.

Finally, don't feel guilty. Friendships often change over time as people grow and mature. You may be entering a new phase in your life; perhaps, it is time to assess these female friendships that you currently have to see if they are still worthwhile pursuing.

I hope you'll let us know how things work out.

My best,
Irene

Time of Your Life (Random House, October 2008) is Allison Winn Scotch's second novel. It tells the story of Jillian, a thirty-something, married, suburban mother in Westchester County, New York, who suddenly sees her life playing out a different way than it did seven years ago, and takes the reader along for the ride.

 

This engaging story raises provocative questions about love, marriage, family, friendship, and motherhood. It will grab anyone who has ever had second thoughts about the road not followed. The film rights to the story have already been purchased by the Weinstein Company so watch for it to come to your local theatres!

 

Allison graciously agreed to answer my questions about the role of friendship in Jillian's story:

 

Question:
You did a lovely job portraying Jillian as a woman juggling multiple roles: wife, worker, mother, and friend. What roles did her friends, Megan and Ainsley, play in Jillian's life (lives)?

Answer:
They were really her foundation, her barometers, in both her present and her past. Whatever her crisis, her friends were stable for her - and she tried to do the same for them. I've found this to be true in my own life too: through every various incarnation of myself and my relationships and my careers, my friends have held steady, and in fact, I thank many of my dearest friends in my acknowledgments, saying, "Thank you for reminding me that where we come from is just as important as where we're going." And this pretty much sums up Jill's friendships - they carry her through wherever she might be headed. That, really, to me, is what the best of friendships can do.

 

Question:
Did you derive inspiration for those characters from your own friendships? If so, explain.

Answer:
Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that I have a few very, very close friends whom I value like family. Second to my husband (and maybe my parents), they get the phone call with any good news that I want to share. So I understood how necessary and invaluable these women were for Jillian. I also understood that there are certain things - secrets, for lack of a better word - that you can share only with these women. In fact, the inspiration for the book came from a conversation I had with my dearest friend - she was having one of those "what if" moments, and we were discussing the paths she could have taken, and I was reassuring her that these questions were entirely normal...we just don't share them publicly too often. Really, only with our most trusted confidantes. So, in that sense, yes, I derived inspiration from my friendships. But neither Megan nor Ainsley are based on my friends or literally inspired by them. But it would certainly be fair to say that my love and appreciation for them is perhaps reflected in Jillian's love and appreciation for her friends and how they help her wade through the muck of her situation.

 

Question:
Your handling of infertility was particularly sensitive. How did it become a dominant theme in the book?

Answer:
Well, the book wrestles with a variety of issues that deal with motherhood, and I wanted to explore what it might be like to want that motherhood so badly - something that Jillian is mildly blasé about - and not be able to achieve it. How would that mold you? How would you cope with it? Increasingly, as my friends and I get older, I hear of friends who struggle with fertility, and my heart breaks for them because, it's the great unknown really: who knows if you're going to get pregnant, and it can really feel like a crapshoot. But what if this was all you wanted in the world for yourself? How do you overcome that? How do you grieve? How do you move forward? Megan's experience and views really stood in contrast to Jillian's, and I thought it was a nice counter-balance and a good way to explore how much motherhood can (or can't) define you.

 

Question:
How did Jillian friendships change with marriage and motherhood? What has been your own experience?

Answer:
Jillian became more isolated, both literally and emotionally, when she married. She left so much of what she was familiar with: her job, her city, her apartment, and headed to the suburbs, and I think this was really disorienting for her, as I know it can be for many women. And then there's the whole motherhood factor: the fact that after we have kids, we might feel less connected with our single or childless friends, or they might feel less connected to us. Not that this always happens. Certainly, there are plenty of times when it doesn't happen. But, and many moms will quickly admit to this, when you have kids it becomes so, so easy to lose yourself in them, and what happens when you meet up with your single friends and all you want to do is talk about potty training or pre-school applications? It's not fair to them, and I guess it's not fair to you either. But the key, for me, has been finding common ground. In my own experience, sure, I've drifted in some friendships (or they've drifted from me) once I got married and had kids - simply because we didn't share the same common ground anymore- but the ones that were most dear, of course we made them work. We go out for dinner, and they listen to me talk about my kids, and I listen to their dating horror stories...and then we move on to gossip, careers, old friends, whatever. I think it's important that everyone make a little effort to find that middle ground - it's not hard to do in solid relationships.

 

Question:
On page 63, you mention how friends can get lost in the shuffle of life. Can you explain how or why this happens based on your own experiences?

Answer:
Sure, I alluded to it a bit above. Sometimes, when friendships are so constant in your life, you almost forget that they're there...it's like you take them for granted. "Oh, I can call her tomorrow because I have to deal with XYZ today." That sort of thing. I know that I'm totally guilty of this. Right now, for example, my best friend and I have been playing phone tag for over three weeks: she moved, I went on vacation, she got wrapped up in her son's new school, I got wrapped up in work, etc. But I've also been lucky. I've surrounded myself with women who don't need daily check-ins - we're always happy to hear from each other whenever the other has the time. I understand that my friends value me, and I also understand that they have a whole set of responsibilities that have nothing to do with me. And that's totally okay. What matters most to me is that when I really need them - with good news or with bad news - they answer the phone and listen.

Question:
Writing a novel can be pretty lonely. How do you handle your own friendships as a novelist?

Answer:
A couple of different ways: One, I have a lot of "virtual" friends! Which sounds crazy, but my writer friends whom I know from various online groups keep me company during the day when I need to connect with someone or need a break. I just head to the forums of these sites and chime in. Two, I make a point to have a girls' night at least once a month. This keeps me in touch with my college friends who have known me for almost two decades. You can't replace that kind of camaraderie, and even when I'm soooo tired and don't feel like going, I'm always so glad that I did afterward: I feel rejuvenated. And three, as I've said above, I have a short list of my closest friends who I call when I have the time...usually this is while I'm walking the dog! But after catching up for 30 minutes or so, I feel like all is well in my world...and in theirs. And that's enough to fuel me over the next few days (or weeks) when we might not have a chance to reconnect.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I am a person who has learned to value my female friendships. I've always tended to prefer a one-friend-at-a-time, with a lot of intensity, type of friendship. But it is something I can't seem to find.

Briefly, I had a relationship like the kind I want with a woman who continues to feel like a friend/sister. My "best" friend was someone who lived close by and we had a sister-like relationship (even though I have two sisters!). She felt the same about me and I know she would be there in a heartbeat for me as I would for her. However, she lives three hours away and isn't fond of chatting on the phone.

I have two other friends whom I care about, one who lives 20 minutes away, who both seem totally engrossed in their own lives and rarely contact me. We get together about twice a year. We all have kids who are fairly close in age. One of them was in a serious car accident and I really went out of my way to support her through that time. I find myself resenting that I am the one maintaining the contact and seem to be the one who is "into them"- wanting to go out/get together, to do girls’ nights out, etc.

I can't seem to get the friend thing down without a lot of emotion, longing for more yet not being skillful enough to find it. I am forced to socialize with other parents that I like well enough but can't seem to take any of them to the next level. I get so frustrated that others have a knack that I do not. P.S. You can probably tell that I am not good at small talk! LOL! What I'd like to know is what do others have, what is it that I am missing?

Thanks so much- any ideas will be appreciated.

Starrlife in New England
starrlife.wordpress.com

ANSWER:

Dear Starrlife:

Your situation is actually a very common one: You’re yearning for a best friend and don’t have one at the moment. Friends move (like yours did); get involved in new careers; have children; have fertility problems; get married, divorced or widowed---there are numerous reasons why even very close friendships are prone to change over time. Although you are separated by geography, it’s nice that you have a close friendship to hold up as a measure for the kind you are seeking.

Not to make light of it, finding a best friend is like finding a buyer for a house: You only need one. Your current acquaintances, or mom-friends, are important relationships even though they miss the best-friend mark. Finding a best friend involves 1) meeting someone new, and 2) giving the relationship time to grow and become more intimate---by sharing additional layers of your selves with one another.

You need to create opportunities to find ways to meet new people. Can you get involved in organizations or activities in your local community? Do you have any hobbies? Can you take a continuing education class? Can you join a gym? Are you passionate enough about one political candidate or another that you would like to work on a campaign? Are you involved with the parent teacher association? I realize that your child or children may be young so this will entail finding childcare---either your husband, another relative or a babysitter---for one or two evenings a week. If you need a rationale for yourself---a happy mom is usually a better mom.

In short, you need to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people. I have no doubt that eventually one or two of these relationships will “stick” and grow into the type of best friendship you want.

Best,
Irene

Dear Irene:

Hi, I have a friend who doesn’t have very good boundaries. I live in a small town. I am a fairly private person who is social but also like my alone time. This friend has stopped by my house when I don't answer the phone and once she comes over, doesn't leave until really late.

I have no idea how to tell her nicely that it is now time for her and her children to leave. I really value our friendship, but she and her children are very intense and I don't want to spend every waking moment with her. I think she would spend all the time with me if she could.

Any advice? I want to be able to get together with her without being with her for the rest of the day. Also, she seems to get irritated with me and think something is wrong when I don't do what she wants or don’t see her for a couple of days.

Signed,

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

The most satisfying friendships are built on a foundation of balance and reciprocity. It sounds like your relationship isn’t balanced; your friend covets more of your time and space than is comfortable for you. Yet, you allow her to show up at your home uninvited---and permit her to stay past her welcome. That’s a recipe for a fractured friendship to come!

Sadly, she doesn’t have the sensitivity to sense when you’ve had enough of her or to read your nonverbal cues. In cases like this, you need to be more explicit and tell her something like, “I hope you won’t take offense but it’s getting late and I have an early appointment in the morning” or “I have to get the kids to calm down before bedtime.”

Another tactic might be to schedule your time with your friend so there is a beginning and an end that it is set firm. For example, you might say “I have about four hours before I need to take care of stuff. We’ll have to wrap things up by 2PM” or “Why don’t we meet at the park for an hour or two?”

Acknowledge (to yourself) that you may have boundary issues as well. You need to start to establish ground rules so you don’t wind up feeling angry and abused. Since you really seem to like this friend, it’s worth the risk of explaining how you feel. Tell her that you treasure her friendship but need more alone time for yourself and your family.

Admittedly, I have only heard a little slice of a long story and I suspect your discomfort over this boundary may be just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect that there are other ways in which she is insensitive to your needs and that you feel like you are giving more than you’re getting. Let us know what happens.

My best,

Irene