texting

LONGER THAN USUAL QUESTION:-)

Hi Irene!

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your website! I am going through a situation and desperately need advice! I have a very close cousin, Coralee, who I’ve basically grown up with like a sister and we’ve been friends most of my life. I am 28, and she is 37. About two years ago, I set her up with a co-worker of mine, a relationship that ended about six months later when he moved to California for another job. During the time she was dating him, I got pregnant. When my husband and I shared our exciting news at a family get-together, she stormed out of the room. I later learned from my co-worker that she was very upset and jealous. She felt that, at 35 years of age, she deserved to have a wonderful husband and to be starting a family instead of me.

When my daughter was three months old and I was getting ready to go back to work, my husband and I decided to move down the street from my parents, so my dad could watch her during the day. Coralee, my other cousin (Faith) and her husband, their parents, and my other aunt all live within about 10 miles of my new house. As a result, what was once an every-other-week get-together with my family, because we lived about 45 minutes away, is now 2 or 3 times a week. We have dinner at my house once a week, dinner at my aunt’s house once a week, and spend every holiday together.

My daughter is now 13 months old, and although Coralee was jealous and angry when I first got pregnant, she is now obsessed with my daughter. Before we moved, I only saw her at family functions and rarely one-on-one but she now sends me text messages and emails incessantly – 3 or 4 times a day and as late as 10:00 or 11:00 at night. And although she sees my daughter at least 2 or 3 times a week, it seems like it is never enough. She wants to come over on my days off, asks me every weekend if I want to go shopping or out to lunch, drops by at my dad’s house while he is watching my daughter, and at least once a month, “suggests” that my husband and I go out on a date so she can babysit. If I don’t respond right away, she sends messages like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me,” or “I haven’t heard from you lately…”

Last weekend, my husband, daughter, and I took a trip to visit my mother-in-law. During the course of this 4-day trip, Coralee sent me five text messages and called me twice, and when I didn’t respond right away because my battery had died, began sending messages to my husband, who was extremely irritated. He got another five text messages and one call from her and responded once to tell her we were safe and that my phone had died. She continued to send messages, saying things like, “I am having withdrawal,” and “I miss you,” and “You obviously don’t feel like texting.”

I chose not to respond because I knew it would lead to a very long string of texting that I didn’t have time for, considering I was already stressed making sure my daughter was fed, got her naps in an environment she was unfamiliar with, and didn’t break any of my mother-in-law’s things or toddle down the stairs. I also wanted to enjoy the vacation with my daughter and husband.

When we got home, I called my mom to ask for advice. She told me to call Coralee’s mom and see what she thought I should do. Well, when I called my aunt, as my uncle was handing the phone to her, I heard Coralee’s voice in the background yelling, “Why does she call you and not me?”

I didn’t realize Coralee was going to be over there for dinner when I called, so I was in a very uncomfortable situation at that point. My aunt went to the other room to talk to me, and I told her that things were getting really bad with Coralee and the texting and calling were getting to be too much. My aunt said she would talk to her that night. The next day, I emailed my other cousin, Faith. I am very close with Faith and explained what had happened on our vacation and my conversation with my aunt the night before.

This is not the first time Coralee has been told to back off. Faith has told her in the past that she is too needy (with me and with her other friends), and she often drops hints to Coralee that she should let us have some family time. As Coralee’s younger sister, she has always felt that Coralee is possessive of her, too. Coralee has been raised to think that she can have anything she wants. Her parents have never said no to her. So even Faith became like a doll that she could control.

As a result, she has very few friends and no significant other. She no longer has any hobbies, as she quit boxing and working out when she had a fallout with her trainer. She is a high school teacher and gets off work around 1:00PM with not much to do for the rest of the day. I feel like my daughter has become the only thing she looks forward to in her life.

I love Coralee, and I’m grateful my daughter has people in her family that love and support her, but I am becoming very angry about this situation. Coralee does not respect my time or space. She doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t always have time to be in constant communication with her. I just want to be able to come home, spend time with my daughter and husband, and relax and go to bed without feeling like I have another person’s needs to tend to.

With a one-year old, I barely have time to wash my own hair or shave my legs most of the time, let alone fulfill Coralee’s need for companionship. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is to come home from a 10 1⁄2 hour day at work after spending 40 minutes in heavy traffic and then feed, bathe, change, and put a squirmy wormy tired baby to bed every night, and then scarf down my dinner and collapse into bed. Of course I would not change having my daughter for anything in the world, but sometimes I just get exhausted, and it is HARD!

Coralee just doesn’t seem to understand that. On top of that, I don’t believe it is healthy for my daughter to have someone in her life, who is obsessed with her and thinks she can do no wrong. Coralee has often made comments that my daughter is “perfect,” and I don’t like the message that may send. Even though I have unconditional love for my daughter, I realize that she is just human like everybody else and will most definitely make some mistakes. If I treated her like she was perfect and could do no wrong, she might end up like Coralee, with an unhealthy view of herself and what a true balanced relationship should look like.

I know Coralee needs to see a counselor, but I also know if I were to suggest it, she would be livid and probably not speak to me for months. Although my aunt said Coralee’s embarrassed by this whole thing, she has yet to contact me to apologize since my aunt talked to her on Tuesday. How should I handle this situation without creating more of a rift in the family?

Frustrated yet hopeful,
Mimi

ANSWER

Hi Mimi:

Although you are fond of your cousin, you sound appropriately miffed at her jealousy, possessiveness and intrusiveness. Coralee hasn't been able to accept the changes in your life as you took on the new roles of a wife and then a mother.

But you haven’t done a good job either--in terms of establishing appropriate boundaries and communicating candidly with her about your own needs. Because she is so demanding, you may have to be very direct in setting limits about how often and how late she can call, for example, and about how much time she can spend with your daughter. Coralee shouldn’t have to hear this from her mother. You need to have a heart-to-heart with Coralee herself or this situation is going to fester to the point of a blow-up.

Another caution: Even if you are blunt, Coralee still may not “get it” first time around but at least you will have been forthright and given her the feedback she needs. Yes, she needs to get a life of her own and find other people and things she enjoys. Freeing up some of her time, the time she now spends on you and your daughter, may leave her holes that she will fill with new relationships and interests.

Being cousins as well as friends adds an additional level of complexity to your relationship. Even though your friendship has turned rocky, the fact that you have such strong family connections has kept you close. Since you appreciate and value the importance of kin, be careful to avoid a rift that could rapidly deteriorate into a family feud if other people are asked to get involved and take sides.

Since you are more whole than Coralee, extend the olive branch to her. Apologize for not being direct in the past. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the love she shows for your family but tell her in no uncertain terms that you need more time and space for you and your immediate family.

Let us know how things turn out.

Best,
Irene

Are you a mom who worries because your teenage daughter seems to be incessantly texting or emailing her best friends about her romantic problems? Your worries may be founded.

When adolescent girlfriends rehash the same problems together over and over, they increase their risk of depression and social anxiety. In a study focused on seventh and eighth-graders, Dr. Joanne Davila and Lisa Starr, MA, psychologists at Stony Brook University, studied the effects of co-rumination, first defined by Dr. Amanda Rose (2002) as excessive discussion of problems within friendships---including repeated conversations, conjecture about causes, and heightened focus on negative emotions.

“The abundance of communication technology available to teens today creates an enabling environment for co-rumination,” said investigator Starr in a press release. “Texting, instant messaging, and social networking make it very easy for adolescents to become even more anxious which can lead to depression.”

Conversely, if such discussions are focused on solving problems rather than ruminating about them, these discussions can generate positive solutions and contribute to emotional well-being. The new research findings were published in the February issue of the Journal of Adolescence.

This study builds upon research (discussed in a previous blog post) by Amanda Rose and colleagues at the University of Missouri-Columbia that also challenged the conventional wisdom: that it’s always good for adolescent girls to get problems “off their chest” by talking about them to close friends. Taken together both of these studies suggest that parents need to be alert to too much of a good thing. Hopefully, future studies will examine the effects of co-rumination among other age groups.

Source: Press Release, January 27, 2009, Excessive Discussion of Problems Between Adolescent Friends May Lead To Depression and Anxiety  

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I'm currently going through a friend breakup. She became very emotionally needy at the beginning of our relationship and I always felt compelled to help. She told me that I was distant and needed to let my guard down so that we could be close. I did and we eventually became BFFs.

I sort of became distant from my other friends and probably depended on her a lot more than I liked. We've had 3 riffs in three years. In my opinion that was a telltale sign that "the plane was going down." She is in an odd relationship with a total loser (with a child) who is extremely controlling. I've played the support role and picked her up when ever he tore her down.

The catalyst to prompt me to write was this was the most ridiculous thing ever. One, I was PMS-ing. Two, I had a blow up in a restaurant with a member of the wait staff (they told me to shut up). Yes, I behaved like a total ass and unfortunately, my frenemy's son began to cry.

She became belligerent outside of the restaurant (this was a first) and made a scene for an hour. We both were angry and exchanged some nasty words when she got back into the car.

Unexpectedly she smacked me.....yes, I know. I lost it and we engaged in a cat fight in the back of the moving car. It was a long ride back....and she began to apologize (total half-ass apology) and I said nothing.

Three days later, I texted her because I'm torn up about it. I want to have a face-to-face conversation. She tells me that she needs time and has refused to speak to me. She has made the entire situation about her son and has not addressed me at all. She is passive aggressive and extremely controlling. She also has poor communication skills and avoids confrontation at all costs (who would think after reading this).

I feel dismissed because I know that this is a game for her because she reacted in the same manner with the other two very minor riffs. It makes me so angry because I feel like she is totally breaking the girl rules and is acting like a total man. Unfortunately she is the only friend that I have ever loved and she knows it. Moving forward and changing lanes.... What a bitch!

Signed,
Disappointed Diva

ANSWER:

Dear Disappointed Diva:

It sounds like this relationship with your friend has been stormy from the beginning and you're feeling upset with yourself and with her----because you gave up your other friendships only to get dumped by her in the end. But you do say that you already realized that "the plane was going down," so it shouldn't have come as too much of a shock that the two of you were drifting apart.

Although it's always painful to be the one who is dumped, I think you both need a long sabbatical from this relationship. You can't make her speak to you if she doesn't want to. I worry that if you got together now, things might get worse.

In any case, the friendship sounds too complicated to work. You can't stand her "total loser." I'm sure she recognizes this and it puts her on edge. Also, it sounds like you both have problems discussing your feelings with one another openly. Finally, you need to put a lid on your temper, PMS or not. You can control yourself but you can't control someone else.

When an argument between two friends turns physical---especially in front of a child---both adults need to take a long, hard look at themselves AND their relationship. It sounds like you harbor a great deal of hostility towards one another. This unfortunate incident was totally out-of-control and you have both breeched relationship rules rather than "girl rules." An explosive "riff" like the one you had with your once-BFF will be difficult, if not impossible to overcome.

Hope this is helpful. Try to take away the positive things you've learned from this relationship (e.g. opening up) and apply them to nurture new relationships.I know that with time and self-reflection, you will heal, temper your anger and hurt, and emerge healthier from this painful experience.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I’ve read many of your posts regarding the breakup of female friendships and I am going thru one myself as we speak. Anna and I met two years ago at graduate school. A little over a year ago, I helped get her a job at my company and we become inseparable. We did everything together from going to dinner, the movies, and jogging at the park. Also, we spent a lot of time texting and instant messaging everyday at work.  

About three months ago, Anna had met a new friend, "Lisa," and I felt replaced. Little by little, I felt pushed aside and believe that Lisa had put a rift in the friendship between Anna and me. All of the sudden, Anna and I spent less and less time together as she made more time for Lisa. The two of them would go bar hopping, swimming, and yoga together...all of the activities that I do not enjoy but Anna likes.

So, one day after I dropped Anna off home from lunch, I texted her saying that maybe we should give our friendship a break because she and I have gotten into many small arguments within the last couple of months. I said that friendship is a two-way street and I was tired of working doing all of the work. So, she texted me back saying, "Fine and take care."

The next day, I felt badly about what I said and texted Anna saying that I was very sorry and hope that she could forgive for the angry outburst. Anna texted back saying, "There is no need for you to be sorry.” She was and had always been a b$$ch to me. She said that I needed a friend that could be there for me constantly, someone to listen to me, and someone to keep me company." Anna said that she feels badly but she cannot be that kind of friend to me and for me to take care. However, she still would like to be a work acquaintance. Nevertheless, this took place over 6 weeks ago and Anna and I have not spoken since. We often avoid each other at the office because things feel so awkward.

I’ve texted Anna several times since then, asking for a face-to-face meeting. I told her that I have and will always continue to value her friendship and would like to work things out with her. Last week, she answered back saying that our friendship just doesn’t work anymore and for me to move on with my life. She said that she has nothing to say to me. 

However, despite her response, I still feel the need to have one last face-to-face meeting. The break-up of our friendship clearly had more to do than just that one text and I want real closure. So, should I try to reach out to Anna one last time or should I just let her go? Seeing her every day at work and not speaking to one another makes it very painful for me.  I still want to reconnect with her and be friends once more.

Marcie 

ANSWER 

Hi Marcie:

What a painful and difficult situation! In addition to losing a close friend with whom you once spent a lot of time, you still have to face her (and her new best friend) at work. That really has to hurt!

You are correct---the friendship didn’t break up solely because of the text message (although texting generally isn’t a good way to handle sensitive discussions, as I’m sure you are now aware). But you were already seeing red flags that something was wrong: You were arguing with each other more and she was choosing to spend her time with Lisa rather than you. If Anna had wanted to, she could have brought you into their circle. She chose not to without any explanation or apology, even when pressed for one.

It’s infuriating when a decision to end a friendship is unilateral---and you aren’t the one who makes the decision. It is natural to feel hurt and angry, and to want some closure. Unfortunately, it looks like Anna isn’t ready to talk or discuss what happened. Anna may be more close-mouthed than you, in general, and have less of an interest in intimate relationships than you do. Whatever the reasons, she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to talk about your split and while you may have been close at one time, given what has happened, it doesn’t appear like you will be able to get over this rift.

You definitely need to back off at this point and involve yourself with other friends at work and outside work. There may be some truth to Anna’s accusation that you are too needy or perhaps you are only too needy for her. You need to dig deep into yourself and think about what you asked of Anna in the past to determine whether you need to set boundaries for your future friendships.

You will be able to achieve closure when you assume control of your circumstances. When you accept that the relationship is over, you’ll feel better about the situation and about yourself. As brutal as it sounds, this isn’t the first time a good friend has been dumped and won’t be the last. You deserve someone who will appreciate your kindness and sincerity, and whose personality and interests are in better balance with yours.

Focus on your work and maintaining a professional demeanor in the office. And try to forget about Anna’s relationship with Lisa: that will probably become history, too. It’s going to take some time but I promise, you will get over this trauma.

Let us know how it goes.

My best,

Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I met my friend “Amanda” in high school. I was a junior and she was a freshman, so we’ve been best friends (BFFs) for 9 years. Our friendship over the years has survived a lot. The trouble I am having is deciding whether I should hold on to the friendship or not? And the reason why I am asking is because ever since a certain incident occurred, we haven’t talked. Okay, so here’s the story:

I was talking to Amanda on the phone (on June 30th) and she was telling me about her weekend and she mentioned; “I saw Steve this weekend at my mom’s house.” And I replied “Um…oh yeah and how did he get inside your mom’s house?” and Amanda said, “Oh, my mom invited him over” and I replied “What a f**king whore!!!!”

Amanda gasped and said, “Oh, my god” and I replied quickly “Oh, my god, I’m sooo sorry, I soooo didn’t mean to say those words; I just meant to say… Is your mom not thinking clearly by inviting the man over that had been verbally and emotionally abusing you for four years??!?!?!?”

Amanda answered, “I know you’re sorry but I can’t talk to you right now.” So we hung up and I thought I would give her a couple days to me mad at me and then I would contact her. Well about two weeks later, after no phone calls or e-mails, I decided I would write her and make the first step in fixing what I broke (which I don’t think I should have been doing in the first place because after 9+ years of friendship I would think she knew I didn’t mean those words literally and I didn’t think we had a line drawn in our friendship for me to even cross).

So on 07/14, I decided to write her:

Hey there, BFF, I just want you to know that I love you and will always love you. I support you and will always support you. I will always be here for you when you need me. I know I express my opinions without thinking of the consequences...but you are still my #1.

With no response back I wrote her again on July 17th:

I sent you a Gmail and was wondering if you were ready to talk yet?

Her response 2 minutes later:

Yea, I got it and to be honest I really don’t think that emails and texting is the way to go...When you are ready to call me and give me an apology, then we can talk.

My response 30 minutes later:

I do apologize for the bad choice of words that I used; there was no malicious attempt. I didn't mean what I said literally. It was just bad choice of words.

She hasn’t written back, called, texted …nothing. Soooooo what do I do I am stuck!! Thank you so much for your help!

Signed,
Stuck in Sunnyvale

ANSWER:

Dear Stuck in Sunnyvale:

I don’t think that things are as hopeless as they seem.

Think of it this way: You responded protectively because you care about Amanda and didn’t want to see her getting involved in the same abusive relationship again. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to extricate themselves from bad relationships even though they should. At times like this, having a supportive friend like you can make all the difference in the world.

By the way, I’m not sure what Amanda’s mom was thinking or whether she was involved in this scenario at all but that’s really immaterial to your dilemma.

Amanda realizes she made a mistake and disappointed you (as well as herself). But as you realize, she got caught up in your choice of words rather than hearing your message. That can happen when two people are upset, even BFFs. The fact that Amanda told you about her mistake shows how much she trusts you and counts on you. The fact that you both tried to communicate afterwards shows that you really have a strong relationship.

Anyone involved in an abusive relationship has to feel badly about herself. She is probably having a hard time and needs your support more than ever. Don’t dig your feet into the ground on this one. You are a true friend. Call her and apologize for your choice of language and tell her you really care about her and want to be there for her. You want to TALK, not text or email.

My guess is that you will become “unstuck” before you know it.

My best,

Irene