teens

Every mother knows how tough middle school friendships can be for young women. Dara Chadwick is a freelance journalist and writer who spent a year chronicling her Weight Loss Diary for Shape Magazine. That experience and her interviews and discussions with her readers led her to reflect on the effect that mothers have on their teen and tween daughters' body image and sense of self. She wrote You'd Be So Pretty If (Da Capo Lifelong, 2009) to help shape her daughter's "future relationship with her body" and that of other young women.

 

An entire chapter (Chapter 7) of this engaging book is focused on "Mean Girls and Frenemies." Since middle school can create many friendship challenges for young girls who are becoming women, I was delighted to talk to Dara about some of her findings.

 

Q. Why do young women focus conversation and gossip on each other's body size and shape?

 

In middle-school, especially, I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Everybody's body is changing, and they're all changing according to their own timetable. Some young adolescents look like grown women, while others still look like little girls. At this age, it's natural to worry and fret and wonder if you're normal. Gossiping is a way to find out.

 

Another characteristic of young adolescence is to not want to be different - to not want to stand out - from your peers in any way. Girls seek reassurance that they're OK and that they're just like everybody else. Finally, for some girls who are truly insecure, gossiping and "body bullying" is a way to assert power and dominance - to secure your place in the pack, so to speak.

 

Q. How do moms and the media contribute to this problem?

 

The media floods girls with enhanced and digitized images of models and of their favorite celebrities. Naturally, these images can cause girls to think that they can and should look like these enhanced images do. It's so important for moms to help girls realize that these images aren't real. In my book, I talk about teaching girls to look at media images the same way they'd look at art in a museum.

 

Sure, an image may be beautiful, but it's just a representation of one photographer or one magazine's idea of what beauty looks like. It's not a real goal that girls can attain with enough effort or self-control. It's also helpful for girls to see the level of re-touching that goes on in magazines. The Dove films at Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty are a great conversation-starter about what's real and what isn't.

 

Q. How can moms help build resilience among their daughters who will face these challenges?

 

It starts with being accepting of and kind to your own body. There's no denying the importance of friends in a young tween or teen's life - peers are a huge influence. But moms shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that they're no longer important. Our daughters are watching us and listening to the things we say about ourselves.

 

The thing that most surprised me in talking to the girls I interviewed for my book was how beautiful they think their moms are. Now, imagine how she feels when she thinks you're beautiful, but you do nothing but put yourself down. Not only is it hurtful, it's also teaching her not to trust her own feelings about what beauty is. Speaking kindly about your own body and treating it well with healthy eating and exercise also gives her permission to do the same for herself. From you, she can learn that it's OK for a woman to like her body. I think it's important to watch the way you talk about other women and girls, too. Snarky comments, criticisms or even compliments based purely on appearance or weight loss send a message to girls.

 

Q. What were some of our own memories of adolescence that you brought to the book?

 

Eighth grade was hands down the worst year of my adolescent life. My daughter is in eighth grade now and it's been fascinating to watch how her experience is unfolding. For me, I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I've always had curves and muscles, but I so wanted to be like my friends who had more boyish frames. In retrospect, my discomfort with myself often came across to others as aloofness, and I struggled with that at times.

 

By high school, I'd lost quite a bit of weight and found my niche on the cheerleading squad. But the weight loss didn't bring the body confidence I thought it would. I remember once that on career day, a representative from a modeling agency came in and spoke. There was a girl in my class who was quite tall and very pretty. The representative asked her to walk across the room, which she did with absolute grace and confidence. The representative then asked, in a totally smarmy voice, "Are there any cheerleaders in this room?" All heads turned to me immediately and she asked me to get up and walk across the room, too. I knew I was being made fun of and I remember it as being one of the most uncomfortable body image moments of my life. The outward appearance of cute little cheerleader didn't match the inner feelings. I try to remember that disconnect when I'm talking with adolescent girls.

 

Q. Under what circumstances should moms intervene in an obviously toxic teen friendship?

 

If your daughter is being teased, excluded or "toyed with" for lack of a better term, I think it's important to help her see that the behavior is really about the "friends" who are treating her this way and not about her. One of the best things you can do is help her develop multiple friendship groups so she can see that with her own eyes. If school friends are behaving badly, having other friends at dance class or at basketball who like her and treat her well helps her make that connection.

 

It can also be helpful to talk with her about what might be behind their behavior (for example, are they jealous? Not feeling good about themselves?), but only if it's something she's interested in talking about. Mostly, moms can help by being a sounding board if she needs to talk, by supporting her efforts to develop healthy friendships and by sharing stories of their own adolescences - if she wants to hear them, of course.

Have a friendship question? Ask the Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My daughter, Amy, is 16 years old. She is a very sweet girl, a good student, and has a variety of interests like playing the flute, singing in the chorus, writing for the student paper and acting in school plays. She also has a part-time job at our local ice cream shop. She is a bit different than most kids because we live in a small town that is dominated by a certain clannish church (LDS), which we do not belong to, so she is a bit of an outcast. She has about five to ten friends. Her best friend for the past two years has been Heidi, an LDS girl that shares her interests in music and acting.

Last year, Heidi’s divorced parents began hurling accusations at each other over a custody dispute, so the local judge removed her from the home and put her into foster care. She wasn’t allowed unsupervised contact with either parent, not even phone calls. Amy and Heidi were extremely close when Heidi needed someone to help her get through this tough time. (Just as an aside, I’m not a fan of her mother. I think she is domineering and controlling. Also, she could have easily prevented her daughter from being placed in foster care by not allowing her boyfriend in her house and by playing nice with the judge.)

After a year in foster care, Heidi was allowed to live with her mother again. Now that she is back with her mom, she has distanced herself from Amy. Amy is upset and confused, not understanding what she did to deserve this. Heidi wrote Amy an e-mail saying that they have issues: Amy has more money than Heidi (because she has a job) which makes Heidi feel bad, and that Amy tries to make Heidi do immoral things (I asked what she was talking about since both girls are very good and aren’t into drinking, drugs or sex, and Amy said that she had asked her to go to the free concert at the park that the town puts on and a local music festival, both of which are family-oriented events. Apparently the fact that people (adults) drink beer at these events was the problem!)

I don’t know what to tell Amy to do. She doesn’t want to lose her best friend since most of her life she has been without a best friend, but it really angers me that this girl is being so mean to the one person who was there for her through the roughest time in her life. I told Amy to stand up for herself, and not accept blame for things she isn’t guilty of. I also explained that going to church isn’t what makes you a moral person; it is how you treat others that makes you moral.

Do you have any advice that I could pass along to her?

Signed, Helen

ANSWER

Dear Helen,

When children are young, parents often manage their relationships with other kids. As they get older, however, preadolescents and teens want to choose their own friends, sometimes from families that have different values than their own.

One of the tasks of these years is for a young, soon-to-be adult to learn the skills of being a good friend and how to assess whether a friend is being kind, loyal and trustworthy to them. There is a fine line between coaching your child and making decisions for them. While parents need to be open about expressing their own values they have to resist the impulse to jump in and solve problems for their teens unless their child’s health or safety is being threatened.

The best thing you can do is talk to your daughter about friendships, in general, and try to get her to talk openly about her feelings about her best friend. It sounds like you have made a good start. Empathize with her disappointment and reassure her that friendships, even very good ones, change over time. You might point out that Heidi may need time to reconnect and bond with her mother and isn’t able to be the friend she once was to Amy right now.

Explain to Amy that no friendship is perfect. Sometimes problems can be worked out and sometimes they can’t. Remind her that she has other family and friends to fall back upon and the fact that she has made one best friend shows that she is capable of making another. In fact, her relationship with Heidi may improve after her friend feels more comfortable in her new setting.

It is painful for a parent to see their child being hurt by a friend but consider this a teachable moment that will serve Amy well in the future. Remember that your daughter has sound values and that kids are generally more resilient than their parents think they are.

I hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

TWITTER VERSION - Unless your teen's health or safety is at risk, resist the temptation to solve friendship problems for her.

Set your cell phone alarm, mark your calendar, and write it across the top of your hand in red ink. Get ready for Best Friends Day (BFD), sponsored by DoSomething.org and BFF Entertainment. The two groups have declared June 8th, 2009 a national day of celebration for best friends to do something together to change the world.

What can two best friends do on that day to have fun, show affection for each other, and do something that has a larger impact by helping others? DoSomething and BFF have come up with some great suggestions:

1) If you use Twitter and add the hashtag #BFF to your tweet, your message to your friend will be streamed onto the iconic Times Square billboard in New York City on that day. Everyone will know that you are participating in Best Friends Day☺.

2) You can text “bff” to 30644 and sign up to volunteer or tell how you have changed the world.

3) If you send a BFF Bouquet from 1-800-FLOWERS on the day, a percentage of the sale will be donated to Do Something.org

4) Tune in to The Today Show, which will air a Best Friends Day feature on June 8th. Perhaps you’ll get another idea of how to help.

5) If you are a teen, get involved with DoSomething.org/---the organization that uses “the power of online to get teens to do good stuff offline.” If you are an old person (over the age of 20) or you’re privileged to have a business, check out DoSomething on the web and come up with your own unique way to participate and help.

The CEO, creative force, and cheerleader for the non-profit is attorney Nancy Lublin, who dubs herself ‘chief old person.’ In that role, Lublin raises funds from the corporate sector to support grants that help teens get things done. Last year alone, DoSomething.org inspired and empowered 12 million kids to get involved in a variety of projects in their local communities. This isn’t Lublin’s first successful philanthropic venture. At the age of 23, she created Dress for Success, an organization that provides women with the tools and confidence they need to succeed in their careers. That non-profit has expanded to more than 70 cities in four countries.

(Disclosure: I'm proud that my son, Andrew, was privileged to work with the wonderful team at DoSomething.)  

When a new book on friendship came on the scene, I was eager to see where it fit on my already bulging friendship bookshelf. The just-released Friend or Frenemy: A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don’t (Harper, 2008) by Andrea Lavinthal & Jessica Rozler is a quick summer read aimed at teens and young women who can probably breeze through the fast-moving pages within an hour---even while texting.

The chapters read like a series of Cosmo Girl magazine articles with lots of headers, little quizzes, and charts liberally interspersed between text. The book is an unambiguously humorous, rather than serious, take on friendship that makes abundant use of whimsy and has oodles of contemporary cultural references.

If you have no frenemies and you feel well-befriended, you will laugh out loud at the author’s portrayals of “users, losers and abusers” and “odd couples.” My favorite pages (perhaps because I tend to be deadly serious): the timeline of "Tragedies in Girlfriend History" and the chapter called "Misery Loves Company," on making new friends.

If you are heartbroken about losing a friend or feeling alone, this book isn’t the antidote for you---in fact, you may read it without a giggle and plummet into the depths of despair. I’d characterize this book as “Friendship Lite”---a fun read for someone under 25 whose friendships are largely intact.

Preteens tend to worry. Why? As they’re simultaneously growing into awkward new bodies and tackling the social challenges of middle school, they’re also victims of the emotional roller coaster created by their fluctuating hormones. With these stressors, it’s a difficult time for kids well as their parents.

Preteens tend to be tight-lipped---preferring to share secrets with their friends over their parents---so it’s natural for moms, dads and teachers to wonder what they worry about. A new KidsHealth KidsPoll was designed to provide some answers. The January 2008 poll surveyed 1,154 kids between the ages of 9 and 13, looking at how much they worry and what they worry about.

By far, the largest proportion (86 per cent) worry “almost all the time” or “a lot” about someone they love. They also worry about tests and grades, the future, their appearance, and making mistakes---in that order. But 1 out of 4 worry about their friends “almost all the time” and a third of them worry about friends “a lot.” In fact, friendships ranked among the top 8 of 20 pre-teen worries.

One implication: Moms need to talk to their daughters about female friendships and share their wisdom and experience about the fragility of these relationships. Particularly during these pre-teen years, we need to help cushion the blow when our daughters are excluded from a clique at school or camp, or when they are inevitably rejected by one of their Besties.

 

The poll was conducted by KidsHealth.org, a web portal that provides health information for children.