stress

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend and I are very close and she's recently been under a lot of stress. A family member is dying and she is caring for this person. For about two months, she's been unable to listen to anything I say. If I don't agree with her completely, she angrily says I am not listening. No matter what I say, she says I‘m wrong.

 

I've been trying to be the best supportive friend I can be while her relative is dying. I, too, have cared for a dying relative; I know what it's like. However, even my most caring letters are returned correcting whatever I've said.

 

It's not that she's normally an oasis of serenity - she isn't. I usually am the person she can tell anything to, so I have heard all her complaints. Normally, this is okay as it is tempered with humor and two-way conversation. Now, even when I listen actively, reflecting back what she's saying, she angrily corrects me. I realize her behavior is not about me and she's under stress. However, I'm unwilling to be treated this way.

 

Because my friend's in another country and our communications are by email, I want to write a supportive note that sets a boundary. No matter what I say, she'll probably react with anger, but at least I can write something that is respectful of myself and of her.

 

She seems to have lost faith in me and does not presume any goodwill on my part. If that were true, why would she want me in her life? How can I communicate with her in a way so I'm not kicking her when she's down?

Signed,
Wendy

 

ANSWER

Dear Wendy,

No two people experience death in the same way, and even though you've cared for a dying relative, you can't completely understand---especially from afar---how your friend is feeling and what's she's dealing with. Cut your friend some slack; now isn't the time to set boundaries.

 

Your friend seems quick to anger and sensitive to any perceived criticism. You know her peccadilloes and seem to have accepted them. Yet, as you've witnessed, a person's worst tendencies can be exaggerated under stress.

 

Continue to offer your friend support by way of brief, regular emails but refrain from offering any unsolicited advice at this time or telling her that you know what she's going through. This is likely to be a temporary blip in your relationship that will resolve itself. If it doesn't, you can work it out later when she's back on her feet.

Best,
Irene

 

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

A Final Friendship Disappointment 

 

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

A year ago, my best friend of 14 years gave birth to her twin boys. Their biological father has never been in their lives and my friend took him to court. She was awarded full legal and physical custody of the twins, which we were VERY happy about. Of course she asked me to be the twins godmother, a role which I gladly accepted.

 

Since day one, I have been a major part of the boys' lives. We've always been attached at the hip. My best friend doesn't drive so I'm the driver and we take the babies everywhere with us.

 

The problem I am having now is that I have completely fallen in love with those boys; I imagine that I love them just as much as their real mama does. Because of this special bond, I am so scared. My friend has some medical issues and if anything were to happen to her, the boys could easily be ripped away from me in a heartbeat, either by the biological father's family or my best friend's family. Most people wouldn't think that either side is mentally stable.

 

I am like a second mother to the boys yet I have no rights whatsoever. My friend wants me to be the one to raise them as my own IF anything were to ever happen to her, but we have no idea how to do this legally. What rights would a court give to a mothers "best friend?"

 

Most people assume we are gay, which doesn't offend me because, honestly, we are "soul mates" who just happen to not be in a physical relationship. Otherwise we act like a married couple raising two kids.

 

What should I do to reduce my level of stress and stop the nightmares? I have never loved anybody as much as I love my boys. I refer to them as my babies even when talking to my best friend! She is not the most responsible person and depends on me as well. She still lives with her grandparents and got knocked up by a crazy person who has now landed in jail for being a sex-offender.

 

Needless to say our lives are never dull and although technically I am a single woman without kids, I really feel like a single mother of three! LOL! Should I pursue some sort of legal "backup" so at least I would feel safe in knowing that if something were to ever happen to my best friend that I could be the boys' legal guardian? Or should I just let it go and pray for the best? I never thought I could love them so much and I don't want to lose them.

Thanks,
Casey

ANSWER

Dear Casey,

The question you posed is not a friendship problem, per se. You and your best friend really need legal advice. Your attachment and love for the two babies is understandable since you've been like a surrogate second parent since they were born---but you are not their mother, nor your friend's. The situation you describe sounds pretty unstable so, to some extent, I understand your fears.

 

The question you didn't ask me-whether or not this is a healthy friendship-is more appropriately in my bailiwick. I think you need to take a hard look at this complicated situation and sort out your feelings about your best friend, her children, and the rest of her family with a mental health professional. As you describe your best friend, she doesn't appear to have good judgment and is extremely dependent on you. Although you're crazy about the babies, is this the type of relationship you want for yourself or that would serve you well in the future?

 

The fact that you are having recurrent nightmares suggests that the friendship and your relationship with the boys has become so stressful that the first step you need to take is to figure out your hopes for YOUR future.

I hope this is helpful!

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

I, too, have recently had a friendship break up with my bf. We both had a stressful year, I lost my job and she has had various stresses. She told me I was too intense, despite the fact that I tried not to call or ask her to go out too often. If I ever upset her, she went hysterical calling me names and screaming at me over the slightest thing.

 

I miss her terribly and told her so and that I could not stop thinking about her, like an obsession. However, my feelings are that of love for a friend nothing more. We are both happily married with kids. I think she misunderstood what I meant and is now completely ostracizing me-despite telling me she missed me too.

 

Is it normal to feel like this, so sad and unhappy that someone is no longer in your life? I'm very confused why I can't stop thinking about her. Our kids go to school together and it's making life very uncomfortable.

Signed,

Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry that you're reeling from your loss and, yes, it's normal to feel that way when you lose a close friend. You took a risk and told your friend how much your relationship meant and she didn't reciprocate. In fact, she pushed you further away. Making it harder, she's someone you have to worry about bumping into at your child's school.

 

It sounds like both you and she have been under considerable stress and that the relationship had become quite volatile before this split. You both need a break from that intensity which probably wasn't fun for either of you.

 

You have less reason to be embarrassed that she does. Be cordial if you bump into her and say hello but don't build your life around hers. There may be more going on with her than you know about.

 

Try to put the relationship on indefinite hold and stop thinking about it. Spend time with your family and other friends. If you need support, it might even be a good time to read my book ☺---and don't be surprised if she comes back to you when her life calms down.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend has been going through marriage problems ever since I've known her (13 years now). I have been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. When the problems got too big to deal with, I suggested counseling since I didn't want their marriage problems to affect the friendship that I have with her husband too and that my husband has with them.

 

Now, my dilemma is that I personally have gone through a very stressful period in my life with the loss of several family members. I really don't want to talk about all her stresses anymore! I know she feels hurt by this. But the main issue revolves around the funeral of one of my family members. My daughter and my friend, at the funeral home, exchanged words and my daughter ended up in tears out in the parking lot, crying over my friend's insensitivity. It was over a picture taken several years ago and my daughter was joking around with my friend about it because she had hidden it behind one of the pictures that just happened to be at the funeral home.

 

My friend snapped at my daughter and just walked away from her. When I found my daughter crying in the parking lot I couldn't believe my friend acted the way she did. I started to feel that she wasn't there to support my family in our loss but that she is so self-absorbed in her own misery that she just is not seeing things clearly. When I told her how upset my daughter was about their exchange she just said that my daughter was in the wrong. I know I would feel badly if the tables were turned and I had upset her child.

 

Can I get over this? Should I even try? She is acting like I owe her an apology. I have extended opportunities to reconnect but I find she wants to stay in the role of victim and just wants someone there who will pity her. Should I just leave the ball in her court? Please do not use my name if this gets posted. Thank you!

Signed,
Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

Whenever there's a death in a family, the mourners left behind are usually under considerable stress---especially during the funeral and the days leading up to it. Even if your daughter made a mistake or error in judgment, your friend knew your family was grieving and should have given her some slack. Moreover, she should have done what she could to minimize, rather than add to, your stress. Even if she got angry at the moment, to not forgive you or your daughter afterwards sounds wrong.

 

As hard as it is to give up a long-term friendship, this isn't the first time your friend has disappointed you. In this instance, since she rebuffed your efforts to reconnect, I would definitely leave the ball in her court.

 

I'm sorry for your recent losses, which had to have been compounded by this unfortunate incident.

Best,
Irene

Given the uncertainties of the global economy and the high rates of unemployment, money seems to be on everyone’s minds these days. This is the second part of a two-part interview on Friendship and Money with MSN Money columnist Emma Johnson. Part I of this interview can be found here: She’s Fired, You’re Not.

How do economic inequities between friends affect relationships?

In a perfect world, money wouldn’t affect friendships. But there are a few things going on here. For one, in our culture we measure success in terms of professional accomplishments and money, and we often judge ourselves by these sticks. So when one friend gets ahead financially, another might start feeling left behind and less successful all around.

The other thing that happens is that money often has a big impact on our lifestyles. When one friend starts making big bucks, she might move to a tonier zip code, start worrying about private schools for their kids, and spend weekends researching a second home to buy. This is her new life. The friend from way-back-when can’t identify with these new concerns, and vice versa. These are not trivial differences and can create big rifts in how people relate.

There are practical considerations, too, depending on the relationship. If a pair of friends is in the habit of spending money together – be it dinners out, shopping or vacationing – that can all come to a grinding halt once one party can no longer afford it. Worse, the unemployed woman may feel the need to now live beyond her means just to keep that much-needed friendship alive.

Should women talk openly with each other about their financial woes or those of their partners? Why?

I believe we all need someone to talk to about the important things in our lives. We’ve been raised to believe that talking about money is impolite, but it is such an important part of our lives – and often our worries – that the practice of bottling up all our money woes might just be at the root our country’s lousy financial habits.

Blabbing about the nitty-gritty of your income, credit card statements, taxes and inheritances is probably not a great idea most of the time, but there are no holds barred when you have a really truly great friend who will not judge you, will give you some tough love when needed and, most importantly, listen. On the other hand, if you’re tickled because your husband got a raise, your great aunt died and left you a chunk of change and you found a wad of cash in your attic, remember: no one likes a braggart.

Are there circumstances when you should lend a girlfriend money to keep her afloat? What are the perils? What safeguards would help preserve the friendship?

Lending money to a friend or relative is always a tough situation, and can be a real stressor in the relationship. Whenever you get together, the money will be on everyone’s mind, but no one will talk about it. And there is no better way to create resentment than to have an unpaid debt between parties.

If you do decide to lend money, write up a contract signed by both friends, and have it include terms of the loan, repayment dates, interest, etc. But lending money should be a business decision, not an emotional one, and that is tricky between friends. Ask yourself:

• What is this person’s financial history?
• What is the likelihood they will be gainfully employed soon?
• Is the loan for a true emergency or basic living expenses, or something frivolous?
• And perhaps most important, Will this loan put my own finances in peril?

In an article I wrote for Psychology Today about friendship and money, I profiled a woman who made all her own money and had a very modest existence, one she shared with a girlfriend who later came into a significant inheritance. The newly rich friend felt guilty about it and insisted on treating her friend to meals out, vacations and trips to the mall – which the working woman resented very much. They were able to talk it though, but that financial inequality proved to be a big deal.



Emma Johnson is a New York journalist who writes about business, finance and money topics for publications including the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Entrepreneur and Psychology Today. Her series on MSN Money, “Jump Start Your Life,” explores money topics for people in their 20s and 30s.

Any major life change--including an unexpected job loss or other threat to economic security--can increase the risk of a once-close friendship falling apart. As such, the global recession is challenging untold numbers of female friendships. In the first of a two-part series, I interviewed journalist Emma Johnson, who covers money and finance topics for MSN.com and other national publications, to find out her thoughts on this topic:

 

In the current economic climate, where job loss is rife, how can getting a pink slip or being furloughed challenge friendships?

Women can be very competitive with each other. Traditionally women have competed for male attention and loyalty. The species depended upon it. The more women's sexual partners were loyal to them, the better off the women and their children would be since men were the breadwinners and women had few economic opportunities.

But the game is different today. We compete in other areas of our lives, including professionally. Even if we aren't in direct professional competition with our girlfriends, that rivalry can still be there. Of course it isn't always the case, but it often is, and worst of all, most of the time we don't realize it.

So if two friends are engaged in even a friendly contest about who's ahead in her career, a layoff can give the other woman the edge in this unspoken game. That can create resentment from the unemployed party--who is already distraught about her new economic situation.

 

How can women minimize the risk of losing their friendships if one friend is spiraling downward economically?

I'm a big fan of talking it out, though all the psychology experts don't agree with that. If the employed friend can say, "I'm so sorry you are going through this. What can I do to be supportive?" Then, give her friend some time to think about what she needs; that can go a long way. Likewise, the unemployed friend might need to talk to her friend and say, "I'm really worried about money right now. Would you mind if we find some less expensive ways to spend time together until I get back on my feet?"

There are other things to think about. Unemployment and financial worries are top factors in stress, sleep loss and depression, which can take a big toll on one's overall well-being, including their relationships. If everyone is aware of the realities of the situation, tough times can strengthen friendships. But the working friend needs to be willing to be supportive, and sometimes the friend in the tough situation needs to allow themselves to be vulnerable and cared for.

To be continued...

Emma Johnson is a New York journalist who writes about business, finance and money topics for publications including the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Entrepreneur and Psychology Today. Her series on MSN  Money, "Jump Start Your Life," explores money topics for people in their 20s and 30s. 

*A version of this post appears on The Huffington Post

 

Need another reason to nurture your friendships? Every year, about 15 million Americans undergo surgical procedures. Whenever anyone goes under the knife, even for an elective procedure, it is likely to be a time of great stress.

Whether the surgery is for breast cancer, an ovarian cyst or a cosmetic procedure, female friendships can help ease an otherwise difficult journey. Friends can provide physician referrals, listen when you need another set of eyes and ears to interview a doctor, and provide a potent dose of caring and cheer at your bedside. A new study published in the Journal of the American College of Surgeons confirms that a strong network of family and friends can even ease postoperative pain and anxiety---and speed recuperation.

“Strong social connectedness can have a tremendous impact on patient recovery by helping blunt the effect of stress caused by postoperative pain, as well as ease concerns about health, finances and separation from family members,” says Allison R. Mitchinson, MPH, who works with the Ann Arbor (MI) Healthcare System and was one of the co-authors of the study.

The researchers studied more than 600 patients undergoing major thoracic or abdominal operations at two Veterans Affairs’ medical centers. Prior to surgery, the patients responded to a questionnaire that elicited the numbers and frequency of their social contacts. Patients with smaller social networks reported significantly higher preoperative pain intensity, unpleasantness, and anxiety.

Like exercising regularly and eating a balanced diet, maintaining meaningful friendships is one of the things we can all do to improve health, prevent disease and extend life,

Preteens tend to worry. Why? As they’re simultaneously growing into awkward new bodies and tackling the social challenges of middle school, they’re also victims of the emotional roller coaster created by their fluctuating hormones. With these stressors, it’s a difficult time for kids well as their parents.

Preteens tend to be tight-lipped---preferring to share secrets with their friends over their parents---so it’s natural for moms, dads and teachers to wonder what they worry about. A new KidsHealth KidsPoll was designed to provide some answers. The January 2008 poll surveyed 1,154 kids between the ages of 9 and 13, looking at how much they worry and what they worry about.

By far, the largest proportion (86 per cent) worry “almost all the time” or “a lot” about someone they love. They also worry about tests and grades, the future, their appearance, and making mistakes---in that order. But 1 out of 4 worry about their friends “almost all the time” and a third of them worry about friends “a lot.” In fact, friendships ranked among the top 8 of 20 pre-teen worries.

One implication: Moms need to talk to their daughters about female friendships and share their wisdom and experience about the fragility of these relationships. Particularly during these pre-teen years, we need to help cushion the blow when our daughters are excluded from a clique at school or camp, or when they are inevitably rejected by one of their Besties.

 

The poll was conducted by KidsHealth.org, a web portal that provides health information for children.

An interview with Debbie Mandel, MA

Author of Turn On Your Inner Light and Changing Habits

Stress expert and life coach Debbie Mandel explains why some female friendships create stress, how women can recognize and lessen the stress of their relationships, and when you should simply give up and move on.

Are any of your friendships stressing you out? Read what Debbie has to say...