sisterhood

If these women were on reality TV, they would surely be cast as The Real Housewives of Jericho. This feisty circle of friends includes six accomplished, attractive, 40-something mothers who initially met through their children.

They jokingly call themselves The Vuvs, elaborating on a word one of them conjured up as a little girl because she couldn’t say the word “vagina.” They’re so close that they even share secrets like that one.

They live in walking distance of one another in suburban Jericho, New York, five of them within the same 800-home community. All but one is Jewish but she has an interfaith marriage. Coincidentally or providentially, each of them has two children between the ages of 8 and 15. A few of them have aging parents who reside in the same condo development in Florida.

Most noteworthy: For the past 8 years, these women have shared a special bond, being each other’s greatest cheerleaders and supporters. They get together as twosomes, threesomes, and as a sextet. With their spouses and kids, the group of 24 has vacationed together in places as far-flung as Mexico and Costa Rica and they seem to never tire of their sisterhood.

“I speak to at least three of them a day,” says Leslie Adler, 43, the “mother bear” of The Vuv Club. The Brooklyn-born, mother of two straddles two worlds. She’s an attorney by day for a large accounting firm, and moonlights as a blogger on MomLogic, and More.com and on her own sassy blog, The Vuv Club, using her life, family, career and friendships for blog fodder. When you read her posts, you can’t help but wish you had a sisterhood like hers.

What holds the group of besties together? Either she doesn’t know or she isn’t telling. Adler compares the recipe to that of a “Big Mac.” In terms of their personalities, they are distinct individuals rather than clones of one another but there is something about the mix works; they complement each in different ways. Each woman has a distinct network of friends and acquaintances that extend beyond the circle, but the circle is the “home base” to which they always return.

Adler says the group really coalesced when her husband, Eric, was diagnosed with testicular cancer (he’s now recovered). “When Eric was sick, we were all sick,” says Adler. Her friends arranged for meals and helped them get to treatments. On the couples’ 15th anniversary, when Adler couldn’t even think about leaving the house, The Vuvs stepped in and arranged for a limo to take them to a surprise celebratory dinner at Il Mulino in Manhasset. “That really raised the bar in terms of our friendship,” she says.

The women share laughter and sorrows, they celebrate each other’s milestones and accomplishments, and they’ve helped each other cope with job losses and death. If a problem arises for one, they call an emergency dinner to brainstorm solutions together. “We talk each other down from ledges,” says Adler. “Being part of something feels great.”

Do you have a circle of friends, wish you had one, or do you prefer having discrete relationships with best friends?

 

A version of this post also appears on The Huffington Post.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I stumbled across your blog, and I think it's so helpful and needed in a society that seems to place greater value on romantic relationships than friendships.

I'm in my late 20's, and the older I get, the harder I've found it to keep deep, meaningful female friendships. We're growing in different directions, moving to different states, pairing off romantically, etc. I have three very close female friendships that I treasure but they aren't connected; they are friends from different sectors of my life. So I feel like I'm lacking a "friend group." I also feel as though I don't have enough deep friendships, in general.

It bothers me that most people my age seem to have a "group." I've been in friend groups before in my life, but I find that in friend groups, I can't connect as deeply to each friend. So I prefer one on one time. I know this sounds like a sort of hard question to answer, but what's the average number of close female friendships that women my age have? Or any thoughts you have on how friendships change as you get older.

Thanks very much,
Jane

ANSWER

Dear Jane:

What a great letter! You raised so many thought-provoking questions. A few ideas:

Some women have the good fortune of having groups of friends who have a shared history—based on where they were, where they lived, or what they did together.

There have been a spate of books lately---Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope, The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, and more recently, The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow---that make women feel like they’re missing out on something big if they don’t belong to a friendship circle. In fact, when I interviewed Mr. Zaslow, he said that he had two types of readers: those who had a circle similar to The Girls from Ames and those that wish they did!

When I read that literary trilogy on sisterhoods, I have to admit I was envious because, like you, I’m in the latter category. I have close friends but my friends aren't friends with each other. They come from different ages and stages of my life that don’t intersect.

While it isn’t impossible to forge a sisterhood later in life, it’s generally easier to do it as a teenager or young adult because you’re likely to have more time and to be thrown together in similar circumstances—whether it’s a team, sorority, or neighborhood. As we marry or divorce, move, or graduate and our lives diverge, it becomes tougher to sustain circles of friends.

Keep in mind: Even in a circle of friends, there are usually twosomes (dyads or pairs) who seem to have more in common, either temperamentally or situationally. Thus, each woman doesn’t have precisely the same relationship with each member in the circle. Zaslow figured out that there was a possibility of 99 different pairs in the 11 Girls from Ames.

 

People generally have far more acquaintances than they do close friends so it isn’t surprising that deep and meaningful friendships are the most coveted and difficult to achieve. Just like a romance, most women say that at their start, there is a certain essential chemistry that provides the foundation for best friendships. Then, as two women feel increasingly comfortable together, they are able to become more intimate and reveal their true selves to one another.

While there is wide variability, based on the data from my friendship survey, most women have between two and five very close or best friends (there's a section in my forthcoming book that looks at the numbers). What’s more important than quantity, however, is quality and whether or not you feel like you have enough of the right type of friends for you. If you feel like something’s missing, perhaps it is.

I will be returning to this topic again in another blog post but would love to hear from others about the topic of friendship circles and sisterhoods (when you’re on the inside) and cliques (when you are on the outside).

Best,
Irene

Updated February 25, 2009

To read an update on the DABA girls who seem to have "exaggerated" their story to the New York Times, see this post in Newsweek.

 

Whether the “excuse” is a book group, cooking club, or knitting circle—women characteristically gravitate towards one another not only to share interests but also to share joys, sorrows and hopes. The economic downslide has spawned a new and curious women’s get-together, a group called Dating a Banker Anonymous (DABA). The group meets once or twice a week, over brunch or cocktails, so its members can commiserate about boyfriends whose moods are fluctuating as erratically as the tumultuous market conditions.

According to the New York Times, DABA was started by two best friends, Laney Crowell and Megan Petrus, young professionals who were each involved in a relationship with a man working in the financial sector when things began spiraling downward---both in terms of the economy and in their relationships. While DABA’s blog and the Times report are infused with tongue-in-cheek humor, the topic merits serious attention.

When men lose their jobs and/or their money, they’re prone to depression, anxiety and loss of self-esteem, which can wreak havoc on their relationships. In fact, women are often the first to recognize the signs that a significant other is becoming unglued. A regular circle of friends, a loosely organized sisterhood like DABA, or an informal chat over a cup of coffee can offer girlfriends emotional support to enable them to better cope with today’s harsh economic and relationship realities.

Has the economy taken a toll on your relationship?

"I'm part of a club I didn't mean to join," writes Gail Konop Baker, author of Cancer is a Bitch: Or, I'd Rather Be Having a Midlife Crisis (Da Capo, 2008).

 

Baker, a mother of three and wife of a doctor, was a self-professed health nut. She ran marathons, practiced yoga, ate organic foods, and was a lifelong subscriber to Prevention magazine. Like many of us, she believed that she could keep breast cancer at bay: It was something that happened to other people's friends, relatives, neighbors and co-workers.

 

Then, at the age of 45, after two prior biopsies that turned out to be false alarms, Baker was diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), the most common form of noninvasive breast cancer.

 

This intelligent, funny, and extremely gutsy book not only chronicles Baker's breast cancer journey and successful treatment, but talks about marriage, motherhood, careers and the significance of friendships in women's lives. Her voice is unusually compelling because it is so intimate and honest, like a best friend telling you her story.

 

Gail graciously responded to several questions I posed about the impact of her diagnosis on her female friendships:

 

Do you believe that there is a sisterhood of breast cancer survivors? If so, why?

If you'd asked me that before I went on tour for my book, I wouldn't have known since I was the first (still am) in my circle of friends to be diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn't join any support groups either. I have to admit I felt very alone. But as I toured the country this fall and winter, I met survivors and felt an instant and immediate bond. There was really nothing that made me feel better than a survivor telling me that my book touched her, made her feel less alone, helped her understand the feelings she was feeling.

I think the reason there is this instant connection is that receiving a cancer diagnosis is like being forced to walk through fire. It isn't something you choose. It isn't something you can conjure in your mind. And once you've walked through it alters your perceptions of life forever. Life is different. I think survivors bond because they have been forced to feel and see and taste and smell and live life through a different lens. I meet a survivor now and it's like we share a secret language.

 

What are the range of reactions (so aptly described in your book) that friends have to someone who is diagnosed with breast cancer?

Everyone meant well and all of my friends were very generous. They brought me food and flowers and took care of my children but few knew what to say. I think that was because their own fear got in the way and understandably so. But the hardest thing was seeing myself as someone else's worst fear. Feeling their dread. They didn't even have to say anything for me to feel it.

But a couple of friend encounters stand out in my mind. Just before my surgery when I was in a very funky funk, one of my best friends came over and told me, "If you have to shave my head, I'll shave mine in solidarity." Luckily I didn't have to but her words made me feel like she would walk through the fire with me. That she wasn't afraid of me. That she didn't feel differently about me.

After my surgery, I ran a half marathon with that same friend and another one of our friends. After the race we were talking old boyfriends and sex and I told them I didn't feel very sexy with all my scars. They talked me into showing them my worst scar and inched my shirt down and they stared at a minute before one of them said, "Scars are hot! I think it makes you sexier."

 

Did you rely on your friends for practical advice and help?

Not so much advice but, as I said above, they brought food and helped with my children and showered me with love and concern, Honestly, I didn't even know I had so many good friends until I was diagnosed. I was absolutely blown away by the love and support that surrounded me.

 

Did your friendships change at all since you were diagnosed? Did you dump some friends and add others? Did you get closer to some and feel more distant from others? What accounted for the changes?

Great question! Cancer brought clarity to my life and gave me license to declutter my life. So yes, some friendships, the ones that were draining me, fell away. I felt like I didn't have time to waste on relationships that weren't mutually enriching.

But it also made me aware of the depth of some of my friendships and deepened those bonds. My best friend helped me get my feet back on the ground. Literally. Soon after my surgery she came over and told me to put my running shoes on and pulled me out the door and forced me to put one foot in front of the other.

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

 

 

They were women, of different ages and stages of life, who formed an amazing but unlikely sisterhood. The diverse group—that numbered only six—included women who were single, married, divorced, and widowed; unemployed, working at home, working away from home, and retired; with and without children. They came together on Friday nights drawn to the pleasures and promises of female friendship.

In Joanna Trollope’s latest novel Friday Nights (Bloomsbury, 2008), Eleanor, a retiree who lives alone, spots two younger women from her bay window: one a newly widowed mother and the other, a single mom by virtue of her love affair with a married man. As an antidote to the loneliness she senses in them and to her own life of solitude, she invites them to her parlor. Before long, the warm get-togethers, lubricated with wine, become a cherished constant in their busy and dynamic lives.

Through her characters, Trollope explores some of the universal emotions experienced by female friends including love, loyalty, passion, and jealousy as well as the difficulties in mastering the challenges of the work-life balance, aging, and balancing time between female friends and the men in our lives.

I was so drawn to these women on the other side of the pond that I felt like sharing Friday nights with them. This book joins a genre of novels published in 2008 that explore female friendships in groups. Others include: The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, The Professors’ Wives Club by Joanne Rendell, and The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs.

A recent article in the New York Times, Fought Over Any Good Books Lately?, by Joanne Kaufman recounted the story of a woman, named Jocelyn Bowie, who was invited to join a book club shortly after she moved back to Indiana. She had hoped she could find a sisterhood of women in the group with whom she could network.

When the women began bickering about their choice of books, she decided to defect. The article goes on to describe the acrimony that is rampant among the 4 to 5 million book groups across the U.S. (predominantly made up of women)---but explains how it isn't just about the book. They disagree about "the rules" and refreshments, and butt heads over politics. I'm sure the recent polarizing election killed off more than a few groups.

I had a similarly disappointing experience in joining a short-lived writer's group. Although we all loved writing, there weren't enough ties to keep the group together and we dispersed as soon as we could, explaining it away as a summer hiatus. We were at different stages of our writing careers and at different phases of our lives---and our personalities just didn't seem to click. One person was an incessant talker and another always came late, expecting us to rewind from the beginning. No one wanted to intercede, possibly alienating another member.

 

I found out that a shared love of writing doesn't always cut it when it comes to maintaining a writer's group---just as forming and maintaining female friendships are partly a matter of luck, too. When I interviewed more than 1200 women about their female friendships, a large number of them talked about how best friends just seem to "click." They described how it felt easy and comfortable to be together from the beginning, like slipping into a worn pair of jeans, and it didn't take any work.

Friendship circles like book clubs and writers' groups are more complicated than one-on-one friendships, perhaps, because there are more personalities added to the pot. Some of us are lucky to find groups that "click" while others have to try more than once---to find the right one.

 

You may also want to read The Book Group and the Bitch Fight, a blog post by my writer friend, Joanne Rendell, author of The Professors' Wives' Club.

One of the things that turns acquaintances into close friends is the sharing of a common bond between them. The Professors' Wives' Club revolves around four women, so different from one another that they might even appear unlikely as friends. But they share the unique connection of living in faculty housing (three of them faculty wives) at the fictional Manhattan U, a thinly disguised version of New York University.

 

In this breakout first novel, Joanne Rendell creates powerful characters struggling to define their roles as women and an engaging plot that keeps you glued until the end. The alternating chapters introduce the reader to Mary, Ashleigh, Sofia and Hannah whose individual stories touch upon a wide range of women's issues, such as infidelity, domestic abuse, intergenerational friendship, homosexuality, and work-life balance.

 

The commonality that brings these four women together is that the beautiful little garden adjacent to their University Housing, which has become their sanctuary and meeting place, The space is threatened with demolition (slated to become a parking lot) by a greedy, self-promoting Dean, a husband to one of the women.

 

In devising a plan to save the garden (in keeping with NYU's reputation as a hotbed of protests), they accomplish far more than they ever hoped: They develop a sisterhood that enables each woman to bravely pursue her dreams and live her life more fully. They evolve into far more than appendages to their accomplished husbands.

 

In the genre of The Wednesday Sisters and The Friday Night Knitting Club, the book portrays a circle of friendship that women crave and need, no matter what their role or station in life.

 

Joanne discussed her book's relevance to female friendships:

QUESTION:

Has it been easy or difficult to find an affinity group among faculty wives? Do you think that it is geographical proximity, similar roles, both, or is it something else that bonds you together? Does level of education play a role in helping you develop satisfying relationships with one another?

ANSWER:

Professors' wives -- and of course there are professors' husbands and partners too -- are in an interesting position. Even if they are not professors themselves (which many are), they are often deeply embedded in the university world. They live in faculty housing, they work out at the campus gym, and/or their kids go to the same university childcare. Geography and a shared involvement in campus life, therefore, means faculty wives interact more often than, say, doctor's wives or engineer's wives.

As a professor's wife myself, I've met some wonderful faculty wives, who are now my good friends, while at playground owned by New York University where my husband is a professor. Also, my husband and I are faculty-in-residence at one of the university dorms and I have met other fabulous wives through this program.

In my experience, professors' wives are an incredibly smart, strong, and spirited group of women. At the same time, we all come from very different backgrounds and have different levels of education. But I think the shared bond of the university is a strong one and provides a great backdrop in which women can find one another and foster friendships.

QUESTION:

The relationships you describe seem to be driven more by sharing a common purpose there than by a sense of intimacy between the women. Is that an accurate assessment/portrayal?

ANSWER:

It's true. The women in my book are brought together initially by the desire to take on the mean dean and save the faculty garden, rather than a sense of intimacy. Yet a real intimacy begins to grow between them as their campaign progresses. They share secrets, they support one another, and find that in spite of their differences they have many commonalities too. The novel takes place over just a couple of months and these are the first months of the women's fledgling friendship. I'm sure these women, with time, would grow deeper and more intimate bonds that would go way beyond the purpose that first brought them together.

QUESTION:

You also stayed clear of discussing any of the jealousies that might occur among a group of female friends (e.g. two becoming more friendly than the rest). Was this purposeful?

ANSWER:

Relationships between women frequently get a bad rap, in my opinion. Women are too often portrayed in film, TV, and books as bitchy, competitive, and at odds with one another. We constantly see the bitchy woman boss mistreating the young female employee; or the woman who treats her nanny like a slave; or the sisters who hate one another; or the mother and daughter who constantly fight; or the "friends" who bitch behind each other's back or betray each other over a guy.

Granted, in real life, women can be like this -- but not all the time. Women, in my experience, also have wonderful, supportive, and nurturing relationships with other women.

QUESTION:

Does playing a supporting role to an academic husband enhance the need for female friendships?

ANSWER:

Most professors' wives' I know would not see themselves playing a "supporting role." On the whole, they are independent women who have interesting and successful careers of their own. However, in many cases, the professor husband is the main breadwinner and thus his family has to follow where his job and career take him. This means many faculty wives move to university towns where they know few people and where they might have to start new jobs. Friendships with other wives or other women on campus are therefore very important -- and sustaining.

QUESTION:

Why were you drawn to write about the power of female friendships?

ANSWER:

Throughout my life, I've always been lucky enough to be surrounded by wonderful female friends. When I was in grad school doing a PhD in Literature, I had some particularly incredible girlfriends. We shared a house, we supported each other, read one another's papers, and of course had a lot of fun together. It was a beautiful time! Even though I'm now married with a child, I still thrive on my female friendships. I'm currently part of a group of mums who are all, like me, homeschooling our preschool/kindergarten age kids. The women in this group are amazing -- artists, activists, doulas, writers -- and so supportive. I couldn't imagine trying to be a mum without them!

From the moment I started writing fiction, I knew I wanted to write something that celebrated these intensely loyal and positive female friendships.