single mom

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend, Delia, who started out as my babysitter four years ago has been a wonderful blessing for me. Although she is 25 and I am 36, we have children two days apart in age (both 5 1/2). She is a stay at home super mom and I am single working mom.

Delia encouraged me to start college again so I take two classes on Wednesday night; on that night, my daughter spends the night with her and her family. In addition, she is my English tutor and takes my daughter to a lot of events that I can’t attend due to work.

In the past six years, I've had one real relationship and she did not approve. Also, I moved and my child was not in the same school district as hers and she didn’t approve of that district. I transferred my daughter back to our original school and drive across town every day. (I did that because she wore me down about the test scores for the school district I moved to.) She said my daughter wouldn't get to do hardly anything if she weren't with her. I also started back to church about a year and half ago and she became very upset about that as well.

Last but not least, I recently become engaged and although I've had a ten-year friendship with my fiancé, we realized we were in love about 7 months ago she is extremely upset about this. Without writing unnecessary details, I will say he is incarcerated at a minimum-level "golf course" facility and I decided to take my daughter to see him. I took her because he had never seen her before, even though they have spoken weekly for over a year. The visit was wonderful and my daughter was excited to go back as soon as possible to play.

This decision I've made has come at a price. Now she will not talk to me. I called her 3 or 4 times over the weekend and she just called this morning to say I didn’t have to pick her daughter up for school; that she would take her. Oh, also my family and other friends are behind me 100% regarding my relationship and my decision to take my daughter last weekend.

I am a friend come rain or shine, no matter the decision, and I don't make any of my friends feel like our friendship could fold at any minute or for any wrong move. If it is a wrong move, so be it,
I'm not here to judge, I'm here to support even if it is a mistake.  What should I do?

RESPONSE

Dear Amy:

Although you are considerably older than your friend, it sounds like she has been a mentor and reliable source of support to you and your daughter, and that you value her friendship.

Her being judgmental and controlling is nothing new. She has consistently expressed her opinions, rather strongly, about how you should lead your life: She didn’t like your former boyfriend; she didn’t approve of your changing school districts; and she didn’t agree with your decision to become involved with your church.

Now Delia obviously has very strong feelings about your relationship with your fiancé and your decision to expose your daughter to him. Just like you listened to her concerns about other issues and hopefully decided for yourself, you need to ask her why she feels this way about your fiancé. Perhaps, some of the reasons for her disapproval are legitimate and would lead you to rethink your decision. Although your friend does sounds very controlling, she may be worried about you and your daughter.

My thinking: Although you haven’t provided details (and the devil is often in the details), if your daughter is only 5 ½, as a single mom, you need to be extremely cautious about the people and situations to which you expose her. For example, if your fiancé is incarcerated for child molestation or the like, that obviously should be a deal-killer.

Some people feel just the way you do—that friends shouldn’t judge each other. Other people feel just as strongly that while they shouldn’t judge a friend, per se, they should be honest and tell her when she is doing something potentially risky or hurtful.

Since you have a history with this friend, perhaps you could talk this specific situation through. After listening to her, you may change your mind about your fiancé or the friendship.

Best,
Irene

Hi Irene,

I telephoned a girlfriend today for a chat and to see how see was doing and she hit me with a bombshell. She politely told me that she saw no point in continuing our friendship. She said she was making positive changes in her life and I wasn't included.

We have had one disagreement in the six years we have known each other. We are both busy moms and live in different towns so most of our friendship is over long phone calls. We are both Americans living abroad and we have found creature comfort in talking to a fellow-country woman.

Though I understand that we were never best, best friend-our interests are different-we were always there for each other to share joys and tears. I told her that I had to respect her decision but I admitted I was confused why she felt the need to cut it off entirely. We didn't have some screaming fight. We laughed with each other, gave support when the other needed it. I babysat when she asked and included her daughter in all my kids' parties.

She said she was looking for a best friend. Someone whom she could go out and have a drink with. She said she didn't feel like putting any energy into a phone friend. I understand what she was saying but I don't get why she had to dump me as a friend totally. Can she only have one friend at a time?

I am a mom with three little boys and a husband who comes home late. I rarely have an option of a babysitter, so nights out are even rarer still. My friend is a single mom who has one day during the week and every other weekend child-free because of visitation with the child's father. I understand her need to let loose but I thought she understood my situation too. I am sad. I miss our girl chats. I miss being her Dr. Freud. I know a lot of people in this foreign country but she was my touchstone to home and I didn't have to explain who I was because she already knew. I really feel alone.

Sincerely,
Dumpee

ANSWER:

Dear Dumpee,

It is always painful to be dumped, especially without any real explanation. To make matters worse, your friend was unnecessarily blunt and showed little respect for your feelings. Your friend's reasons for suddenly breaking off the relationship in a hurtful way are as inexplicable to me as they are to you.

There are a few things you've mentioned (and that you may have overlooked) that suggest your friendship may have been imperfect to start: While you are both ex-pats, you have different interests, fairly different lifestyles (single mom of an only child vs. married mom with three little ones), and live in different towns with few opportunities to see one another. While none of these differences are necessarily relationship killers, it sounds like there just weren't enough ties to bind you other than you country of origin.

Your life sounds pretty constricted right now (your husband has long working hours, you are still adjusting to living in a foreign country away from old friends and extended family, and you have few childcare options), so admittedly, this is a tough time to make new friends and it's natural to feel alone.

It sounds like this lost friendship may have been a relationship of convenience for the two of you. You mention that you liked being your friend's "Dr. Freud," which suggests that you were on the giving end of the relationship more than the receiving one. When relationships are tipped in one direction like that, they are often prone to fracture.

You deserve to have a close friend with whom you can share feelings-but one that is more reciprocal. My advice: Try to find a replacement closer to home. You may have more in common with someone in your neighborhood than you do with this ex-pat---perhaps, a mother of one of your children's friends. At different times in a woman's life, it may be more or less difficult to make and maintain female friendships. Before you know it, your little ones will be older and you will have more time and options.

You have a very full plate right now so, perhaps, on an interim basis you could reconnect by email to some of your friends from back home. I'm sorry this happened but I think it has more to do with her than with you. Don't over-analyze why she did it because you'll never be able to figure it out. Instead, move forward and find new ways to address your own needs for friendship.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene