sickness

As soon as my brother-in-law learned that my mother's health was declining, Don responded by putting her on his Saturday morning "call list." Every weekend, Don places calls to a growing list of friends and relatives who are housebound, lonely, and/or ill. His uplifting phone calls aren't obligatory. He calls because he cares and is genuinely interested in listening to people and helping them solve or better cope with their problems.

 

Some people live very lonely lives. Last week a 78-year-old retired New York City schoolteacher, named Jane Wild, who lived in a white Cape Cod in my own hamlet (Chappaqua, New York) was found dead in her second-floor bathroom. The local newspaper reported that Wild was a recluse with few friends and no family except for a sister who lived with her, until she died in 1985. Since then, Jane was only known to have received occasional visits from a male friend, who died last summer. What made the story all the more remarkable was that Jane Wild had been dead for at least six months before anyone even noticed---this, despite the fact that her utilities had been turned off and mail had accumulated to the point where her mailbox was so stuffed that the mailman stopped delivering. No neighbors had thought to check on her.

 

Like hand-penned letters, the number of phone calls being made is decreasing relative to other types of electronic communications. There was a time---before email and faxes---when many workers had long "call lists" on their desks with the names of colleagues they planned to contact the next morning. Now people are more likely to text, IM, tweet, or use email, depending on their age and personal preference. The contact may take place while they are walking down a city street, or riding in a car or train. People tend to multi-task rather than listen to the person at the other end of the phone with full attention.

 

Phone calls, even perfunctory ones, may have already become altogether passé. My twenty-something son, like a growing number of Americans doesn't own a landline. He recently told me that he rarely initiates cell phone calls (yes, he still gets them from me!) except when there's a problem with his bank account or cable TV.

 

Yet a simple phone call with a warm voice at the other hand can change a person's day. I'm amazed at how Don's phone calls can perk up my mom's spirits, albeit for a short time. It makes you wonder if each of us should have a Saturday morning "call list" to express our affection for the people we truly care about.

If you spend as much time online as I do, you're bound to make new friends. And when you share common interests, the bond is almost immediate. Since writing my book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I've been lucky to get to know a number of women who spend their days (and many nights) thinking about female friendships. Dawn Bertuca and Tina Bishop, the co-creators of Girlfriend Celebrations are two of my favorites. My relationship with them is synergistic: We share ideas, content, contacts, and warm fuzzies.

 

I really liked a recent post by Tina called Ten Tips to Help A Girlfriend Get Well that was posted on their site because whether it's a mild case of the flu or something more serious, good friends are there for each other. Here is Tina's guest post, reprinted with her permission.

 

Ten Tips to Help a Girlfriend Get Well
By Tina Bishop

 

With this season of colds, pneumonia and swine flu, someone in your circle of friends might be feeling under the weather right now. Recently the Girlfriends-in-Chief themselves were shut-in for one illness or another and personally understand "It's really pretty sucky!" So we're here to remind you to take a minute out of your busy schedule, arm yourselves with love and compassion and let a girlfriend know you are thinking of her. Taking some time to nurture a girlfriend can make a world of difference not only in her life but yours as well.

 

When a person is unable to take part in normal daily activities outside their home, their world shrinks dramatically. Keeping in touch and connected to the outside world can be a saving grace. By daily taking time to phone-a-friend you provide emotional support and mental stimulation. Yes, being her link to the outside world is an important role, so don't forget to ring and do so often.

 

All too often women offer to help each other by saying, "If there's anything I can do, please give me a call." Yet, the phone never rings. And why, you might ask? Because as women, we us feel uncomfortable asking others for help unless it's an emergency. Women are not taught to ask others for help but believe that they can do everything. Women in our society strive to be super mom, super wife...super everything. So do your girlfriend a favor and don't put her on the spot! Don't ask if you can help, just do it! Your unsolicited thoughtfulness and caring is like chicken soup for the heart. A healthy dose will do a girlfriend some good.

 

Here are 10 ways to show a girlfriend you care:

1. Mail her a card everyday she is unable to leave the house. Ask other girlfriends to do the same. A daily reminder that you and others are thinking of her will add a little color to a blue day.

2. Drop off a basket of magazines, books or movies. Keeping her mind occupied will help to keep her spirits up.

3. Leave a favorite treat on her doorstep. (white chocolate mocha, hot apple pie) A yummy treat will do wonders to warm her heart.

4. While you are out grocery shopping, pick up a few extra staples of fresh fruit vegetables, bread or milk. The perishables in her refrigerator will be the first to go bad and are packed with nutrients to help a sick one heal.

5. Send over a basket of homemade soup, crusty bread and cookies, along with the recipes. A bowl of steamy soup will help to warm a bluesy day.

6. Have the little ones you know create a special and bouquet of colorful tissue paper flowers for her. Brighten her room with cheerful color, a special touch to remind her you care.

7. Load up a disc of happy and inspiring music to step up her mood.
8. Give her a scrapbook kit to fill while she has the time on her hands. Getting the chore of putting her pictures away will be much appreciated.

9. Make a few freezer meals for her to store for use when she really needs some help.

10. Rent a few video games for her to t try. Adding some fun to her day with video games she's never played can be just the prescription she needed.

 

Helping a girlfriend during a time of need can be a truly rewarding gesture. How have you have helped the friends in your life? We'd love to hear about it. Click on GirlfriendCelebrations for more ways nurture your friendships.

 

In a recent post on her Psychology Today blog, research psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out, raises the issue of what it means to be “just friends.”

Unlike marriage (and same-sex unions in some States), friends have no legal ties to one another. Unlike siblings, they have no blood ties. Yet one of the most unique and defining characteristics of a friendship is that it is a totally voluntary relationship that exists simply because two people “just” want to be friends.

Ironically: “Friends are marginalized as ‘just’ friends,” writes DePaulo. “Now that Americans spend more years of their adult lives single than married, friendship is more important than it used to be,” she adds. “As family size decreases, so, too, do options for family care in old age or any other age - fewer people have siblings or adult children to care for them (or if they do, those family members may live many miles away). Again, it is friends who come to the rescue.”

Whether single or married, it is often difficult for women to strike the right balance between their friendships, family ties, careers, and needs for time alone. Yet DePaulo’s remarks remind us that---in sickness and in health, for better or for worse---it’s always a treasure to be surrounded by strong, caring female friendships.