siblings

Dear Irene

I found your book exceedingly helpful but I have a personal question. My closest friend began to pull away from a relationship with me, but she continues to want and seek a close relationship with my siblings (multiple sisters) but not with me.

What is difficult is I still find myself in social and family situations due to her doing things with others in the family but not with me. I can't speak about it to my siblings since I don't want to create a negative situation, but to be honest, I feel a bit as though I am now competing with her for the affections of my family members.

I am at a loss as to how to best allow the friendship to end without feeling awkward at family gatherings. Any advice would be appreciated.

Signed,
Rosie

ANSWER

Dear Rosie:

Admittedly, this isn't any easy situation. It seems odd that your friend would continue to seek out your sisters' company given her decision to end her relationship with you. She has to realize that showing up at your family functions would be potentially uncomfortable for you and for your sisters as well.

You need to talk openly with your sisters and explain what has happened, and tell them how difficult this has been for you. See if they offer any suggestions. At worst, they'll be aware of your feelings but I suspect they'll rally around you.

Let me know how it goes.

Best,
Irene

In a recent post on her Psychology Today blog, research psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out, raises the issue of what it means to be “just friends.”

Unlike marriage (and same-sex unions in some States), friends have no legal ties to one another. Unlike siblings, they have no blood ties. Yet one of the most unique and defining characteristics of a friendship is that it is a totally voluntary relationship that exists simply because two people “just” want to be friends.

Ironically: “Friends are marginalized as ‘just’ friends,” writes DePaulo. “Now that Americans spend more years of their adult lives single than married, friendship is more important than it used to be,” she adds. “As family size decreases, so, too, do options for family care in old age or any other age - fewer people have siblings or adult children to care for them (or if they do, those family members may live many miles away). Again, it is friends who come to the rescue.”

Whether single or married, it is often difficult for women to strike the right balance between their friendships, family ties, careers, and needs for time alone. Yet DePaulo’s remarks remind us that---in sickness and in health, for better or for worse---it’s always a treasure to be surrounded by strong, caring female friendships.