shared history

QUESTION

Hi,

I've had the same best friend for more than 20 years. We were so close that we even have matching tattoos. We don't live near each other, but have maintained contact and been through school, marriage, kids, etc together. She's been a huge part of my life.

 

Things started getting tough a couple of years ago. I have a pretty typical personal life, but I've struggled with an anxiety disorder that was exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. Over the past few months I've coped with a number of stressful events, including illness, a very significant death in the family, parenting an infant, and dealing with a major family feud.

 

During this same time period, my friend began what I can only call a "midlife crisis", though she would hate for anyone to use that term. She prefers to see it as finding herself - but the self she's found is someone totally different than who she was when we first met, with totally different values (like open marriage and questionable behavior) and I don't really approve of most of it.

 

Because of my history and my current stress levels, it's very hard for me to be enmeshed in her personal drama right now, largely because she means so much to me and I'm scared she will regret the decisions she is making someday. For me, the last straw was when she failed to come to an important event I'd asked her to be part of. I sent her a letter expressing how hurt I was and how worried I am about her. The whole thing escalated from there and when I said I just needed a temporary break, she flipped out on me, accusing me of being judgmental and not accepting her
for who she is.

 

I really wasn't trying to "break up," only to take care of my own mental health for a brief period, as her drama was becoming my drama. I realize I can't change her life or live it for her, and I'm hurt that she couldn't be respectful of what my current needs are in turn.

 

Now I'm left wondering if the relationship is salvageable and/or worth salvaging. I'll be heartbroken if this is the end, but at the same time I don't know if I would become as close to her if I had just met the "new her" as opposed to the person she was from twenty years ago. I'm not sure if she will agree to just change the terms of our friendship, right now her attitude seems to be "either you are my best friend and accept me no matter what I do, or get out."

Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

Signed,
Marla

 

ANSWER

Dear Marla,

People change over time and, despite your long and close shared history, it sounds like your BFF isn't someone whom you would want to be too cozy with now. Even if you have the same tattoos, her values and lifestyle are so discrepant from your own that you feel uncomfortable.

 

Clearly, your friend's life has taken a turn in a different direction. And even before the blowup, your friendship had become somewhat one-sided. Your BFF wasn't able to recognize the importance of the event at which she was a no-show and you couldn't turn to her for support while you were grappling with your own problems and anxieties.

 

When you sent her the letter, she "flipped out" because she couldn't tolerate being judged by you. She may have experienced a host of feelings---such as guilt, shame, and insecurity---which can interfere with an intimate friendship. While you were trying to back off from the intensity of the relationship (which I think is a good idea), your friend may have feared you were breaking up and reacted defensively by giving you an ultimatum.

 

Reach out to her when you've both calmed down, perhaps with a phone call, and tell her that you cherish all the memories you've shared together, that you realize that she has to make her own choices, and that you hope you can remain friends even if you see things differently. I hope she can remain "a best friend" in your life because of your history together---but, perhaps, not your only best friend. I think you need to diversify and find other best friends closer to home whose values more closely mirror your own, and friendships that allow for more give and take.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes, Irene

 

Have a friendship question or dilemma? Write to Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter. 

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I met my former BFF on the first day of college almost nine years ago. A year later, I went to a party she was throwing and met my now fiancé, who is great friends
with her brothers. She was always a high maintenance friend; she was more concerned with having tons of friends and living the wild college life, rather than issues I was struggling with at 19 (becoming financially independent from my parents, paying for school on my own, and keeping a roof over my head). I stopped talking to her after a year out of frustration with the way she degraded my struggle to pay to fix my broken down car and suggested I just ask my parents for the money.

 

Three months later, my boyfriend and I moved 800 miles away. When she and her brother came to visit us, I was forced to spend time with her. It was on this visit that we rekindled our friendship and soon declared ourselves BFF's. We took several summer trips, visited each other regularly, emailed daily, discussed and analyzed every possible reason for her not finding success in dating: what was wrong with her, what was wrong with the guys she dated, why she couldn't find love, how she wanted to get married and have babies.

 

I started to see what mutual friends had told me---that everything was always about her. Then she lost her job. At the same time, I had some really scary health issues. Instead of listening and giving me moral support, she told me there was nothing I could do and we needed to stop talking about it. I was scared, in pain and crushed at her response. I stopped participating in daily IM sessions, replied to emails curtly and focused on the issues I was dealing with, without the support of my BFF.

 

A few months later, I told her I was upset she wasn't interested in the important issues things I was dealing with and how her comments felt sarcastic, insincere and condescending. She brushed me off so she could continue talking about her own problems: her misery in her job, dealing with a new boyfriend, moving in together, "Oh no! He hasn't called he must be cheating." Her immaturity, selfishness and narcissism began to grate on my nerves. I tried to be a patient, kind and supportive friend, but it just wasn't fun anymore.

 

The last straw was when two friends got engaged and she told me that she just couldn't be happy for one of them. She went on and on about how SHE wanted to be
engaged and why wasn't her boyfriend ready after 9 months. When we discussed my impending engagement plans, the conversation always circled back to her wedding plans. When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't want to tell her because I knew she would downplay the intimate, perfect way that my boyfriend asked me to be his wife. I didn't want to be brushed off.

 

I stopped IM'ing and made excuses about being busy. I acknowledged all of her contact but kept things simple and short. Then I formally announced my engagement and sent her an email with the good news. She replied angrily about how I could do such a thing over email. I told her that she had hurt my feelings when she flipped the conversation about my engagement to her wedding plans, and that wasn't what I expected from my BFF. She demanded specific examples of what she did wrong, that my generalizations weren't enough. I didn't reply, I've been enjoying my engagement and planning my wedding. For the first time in years, I feel free. I feel energized. I don't come home from work after long IM sessions with her feeling that the life is sucked out of me.

 

Last week, she and her boyfriend both sent me emails asking that we work things out, telling me that she is devastated and will do anything to make things right. There isn't anything to work out. I don't want to be friends anymore. She isn't the type of friend I want in my life. I want to surround myself with friends that are energizing, friendships that both give and take, and women who are fun to be around. I replied that I couldn't be the friend that I wanted to be at this time in my life. My question is how I can end this cycle of emails from her. I don't want to deliberately hurt her, but she isn't listening to what I'm saying and ignoring her isn't giving me the result I want. I would really appreciate your help!

Kind regards,
Jane

 

ANSWER

Dear Jane,

When two people share so much history together, it's always hard to end a friendship, even one that is hanging by a thread. In this case, an added complication is that you met your fiancé through your friend, and have a relationship with her brothers. I understand, too, why you wouldn't want to hurt someone who once was your friend.

 

When you were in college, you may have been looking for different things in your friendships. Now you are quite clear that she isn't the type of friend you want: She is extremely self-centered and narcissistic and you aren't able to either share your problems or your happiness with her.

 

While the rules of friendship sometimes feel murky, it is totally reasonable to surround yourself with the kinds of friends you want. It was a great idea to tell her that "you" can't be the kind of friend you want to be at this time. There is no use in blaming her or providing more examples and details of what's; whatever more you could say isn't going to change her or your feelings towards her.

 

Be sure to give your fiancé a heads up about your plans (because he is involved through his relationship to her brothers) and end the cycle of emails by making the firm decision not to respond to them any more. Then let your friend know that you will not be responding to future emails.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Irene

 

Have a friendship problem or dilemma? Send it to The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

For the past six to eight months I've had two friendships deteriorate. Jillian had been my friend for about 15 years. We never partied or saw much of each other due to distance and her ten-year relationship with a guy yet we always kept in touch. When her relationship was over, we began to spend lots of time together.

 

Our relationship went into a tailspin when she questioned my character. She asked me to give her ex-boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen in 15 years) a ride home because she was leaving with her new love interest. After the ride, he invited me in for a drink. Of course, I declined and later called both him (he gave me his number to make sure I got home safely) and her. That was where all the confusion began.

 

The next day Jillian called asking if I'd "done" anything crazy with him. I was offended since I only provided the ride to do her a favor. Over the next few months, she began dating this guy again. I know this guy was interested in me, but that was a line I would not cross. The relationship with her has suffered since. She would make us all hang out together. The guy is very cool and we have a very good rapport; I have plenty of male friends and am comfortable with males on a friendship level. She is aware of the many strictly platonic male relationships that I've had all my life. However, she is always trying to compete with me about every single thing or tarnish my character. I've tried to hang on to the friendship for more than 6 months and it's been hard.

 

I've also recently broken up with Lexi. We had been friends for 20 years (we are in our 30's) and she is/was like a sister to me. I invited both Jillian and Lexi out to celebrate my promotion and Jillian came with the guy. Lexi had been secluded after a recent break-up with a guy so to come out and interact with my friends was a big deal for her. Eventually, Lexi ended up chatting with a guy I've been seeing on and off for the past 6 months. Although I was a bit leery of him and his intentions when Lexi told me he was nice and was interested, I blew up. I could not believe, that Lexi, my sister, my longest friend would hit on a guy I was sort of dating for 6 months. She had never met him before, but had heard stories about him.

 

My trust with both friends has been broken. Is there a way to mend both relationships? Do you think that Lexi's actions are from her recent break-up or just who she has always been? I've talked to several of my friends about Jillian. Most think Jillian has always been a bit competitive and a user. I never saw this side before and am now afraid of all my relationships. Help.

Thanks,
Risa

ANSWER

Dear Risa

The issue of trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. So I can understand how you must be reeling after two long-standing relationships unraveled over the same issue.

 

In the case of Jillian, if you knew that her guy was interested in you, she probably knew too. Instead of her confronting him about his trustworthiness, it sounds like you were an easier target. If it were this incident alone, you could talk to Jillian and, perhaps, get over it but it sounds like she is constantly competing with you. That makes me think that perhaps the women you both were 15 years ago have grown in different directions and that your relationship is really based primarily on shared history. While this is nothing to give up lightly, is Jillian the kind of friend you want in your life now or is she a frenemy, who tries to put you down whenever she has the opportunity?

 

In the case of Lexi, it sounds like she picked up on your ambivalence about the guy you were "sort-of-dating" and moved in to make the catch---perhaps innocently, but not very sensitively. I'm not sure from your letter if Lexi is still seeing this guy but I think you need to express your hurt feelings to her.

 

Your dilemma really has to do with your feelings about friendship and its boundaries and the men just happen to be red herrings that make things more confusing. Maintaining trust is the thread that runs thought both these painful situations. It can only help for you to speak with Lexi, and perhaps with Jillian too (if you feel so inclined) about mutual expectations of a trusting friendship, which often vary from person to person.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

You may not be able to picture yourself in a relationship like that of Wendy and her college friend Daphne but in the larger-than-life caricatures of two quintessential New Yorkers, novelist Lucinda Rosenfeld captures the essence of many close female friendships.

 

Daphne Uberoff is stunningly beautiful and has all the trappings of material success; Wendy Murman is a struggling magazine writer, with fertility problems and a slacker husband. As the gap between the two women widens, the jealousy and envy that Wendy harbors grows so extreme that it becomes corrosive.

 

I'm So Happy For You (Back Bay Books, 2009) portrays a less than perfect relationship between best friends that falls short of the romanticized notion we usually read about in novels. As often happens in real life, the huge fissures in this friendship are varnished over with the protective glue of shared history and experiences; the predictability of personalities (despite their peccadilloes); and with having friends and acquaintances in common. In such circumstances, no matter how bad or disappointing a relationship becomes, it's hard to let go.

 

In this breezy, light-hearted and engaging read, Rosenfeld aptly drives home the point that when it comes to best friends, these relationships aren't always as they appear to be.

 

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am 24 and my best friend is the same age as well. We used to enjoy hanging out together but she acts like she doesn't enjoy being around me anymore.

She always says things like, "Why do you do this or that?" and "Grow up" or “Why did you….” I haven't done anything wrong. And if I did make a mistake, it's not like she is perfect either. I don't constantly point out her faults, so what’s the deal? I do the same things around other friends and they don't act like that. She is always putting me down. It’s like she thinks I’m not good enough for her anymore.

I feel like I am losing my best friend, and I don't know what to do. I try to be careful of what I say or do but there is always something. For example, I have cheap speakers for my PC and today she came and watched a movie with me. (I don't have a TV or anything so I watch movies on the PC.) She complained about the quality of the sound! She already has been here before, so she knows how my speakers are. So why point it out?

Best,
Lori

ANSWER

Dear Lori,

Your letter doesn’t suggest a single reason why you should continue to be friends with your once-BF. You may have a shared history that includes some good memories but she sounds so insensitive and critical of everything you do and say, that it must be awful to spend time with her now.

Who knows why she is acting this way? She could be jealous or angry. Whatever the reason, her behavior is unacceptable.

If you think it would make a difference, tell her how she is making you feel. Perhaps she doesn’t realize the impact her words and actions are having on you. This would give her the opportunity to apologize and change her ways.

If you don’t feel this is viable or she doesn’t respond reasonably, let go of this toxic relationship and spend your time with friends who appreciate you and vice versa. I'm sorry you are in this situation but people change over time and all best friendships don’t last forever.

Best,
Irene

They both grew up in Wasilla and they’ve known each other for some 40 years since they attended the same elementary school. Each is an ambitious, outspoken, competitive, conservative, God-fearing, married, working mom with five kids. They live seven miles apart in a state whose area is so vast that it exceeds that of Texas, California and Wyoming combined.

Both are former beauty pageant contestants. Sarah won the Miss Wasilla contest and finished second in Miss Alaska; Kristan (whom Sarah calls "Krissy") was Miss Alaska and then Mrs. Alaska a few years later. In the more-than-you-want-to-know category, according to one hairstylist I know, they both wear as-seen-on-TV “Bumpits” hair lifts. When two women have so much in common and such a long shared history, it lays the foundation for a strong friendship.

But most female friendships, even the best of them, don’t last forever---so as their lives and career paths diverged, the two best friends could have easily drifted apart. Sarah, 45, pursued a career in politics, first as a mayor and then as a governor and a vice-presidential candidate while Kristan, 47, built a small but successful real estate business, heading up a team of 15 people. On her Facebook profile, Kristan “only shares certain information with everyone,” including the names of her friends; Sarah has more than 620,000 “supporters.” Kristan has remained intimately involved in Palin’s affairs as a supporter, campaign donor, and spokesperson. Kristan is a trustee of The Alaska Fund Trust, Sarah and Todd Palin’s legal defense fund.

As Governor, Sarah named Kristan to the Alaska Board of Agriculture and Conservation, an appointed regulatory position that serves at the pleasure of the Governor. In September 2008, when the McCain-Palin campaign launched a “Truth Squad” to combat the liberal media and dirty Democrats, Kristan was named to the Squad. Recently, Kristan assumed the awkward role of interpreting her pal’s bewildering resignation speech to the national press.

It’s hard to understand what makes some friendships stick while others fall apart. For better or worse, Sarah and Kristin remain BFFs. Shared history? Shared values? Loyalty? Trust? Maybe all of the above.

QUESTION

Hello,

I have been struggling over this issue for so long and do not know what to do. I am 37 years old and have had a close friendship with a girl since second grade. Since then, we have been BFFs. After 7th grade I moved away, but we stayed connected and visited each other. I moved back about ten years ago, and ended up marrying her husband’s best friend. We both have young children.

Everything was as always until she made a rude and angry comment about a school decision I had made for my youngest child. I stood up for myself and snapped back at the reasons I had chosen this particular school. Maybe it was the fact that I actually stood up for myself and to her (which I never had before) but I didn’t hear from her for the entire summer.

I was devastated. I ended up calling and calling and finally apologizing. She thanked me, and things were okay sometimes, but for the past three years she has never been the same with me. I am always asking her, as friends should, how she is, how her family is, telling her she looks great, etc. but I get nothing in return. It seems one sided, and it is so hard to take because we were so close for all those years. I am broken hearted.

My question is, should I bring up, again how I feel—I have brought it up a few times, and she says she is still uncomfortable around me, and feels I have changed and we have a long talk about that silly argument before—or should I just let it go and stop trying to be her friend, and let the friendship end (which could be difficult as my husband and hers are friends)? Any advice would be much appreciated!

Regards,
Chloe

ANSWER

Dear Chloe:

When two friends have such a long shared history and their friendship extends to their families, a breech like the one you have experienced can be very disappointing and upsetting. It sounds like you HAVE changed over time; you’ve matured into someone who is more self-confident and assertive, especially when it comes to knowing what’s best for your own family.

It is somewhat unforgivable that your friend wouldn’t speak to you for an entire summer because you were following your own best instincts about what was best for your child. Perhaps, she was looking for an excuse to step away from the friendship.

It sounds like you given her every opportunity to make amends and for whatever reason—it may be something that has nothing to do with you—she doesn’t feel as comfortable in the relationship as she once did. That has to feel awkward given the ties between your husbands, your kids, and any mutual friends.

At this point, your best option would be to downgrade the friendship to a more casual one. Be friendly, act cordially, but don’t consider her your close friend or have high expectations of intimacy or reciprocity.

Over time, your friend may change her feelings. In the meantime, spend time with other women and try to heal from this hurt. From what you’ve told me, you haven’t done or said anything that you need to feel guilty about. You are lucky to have a friendship that lasted as long as it did but you aren’t alone. Friendships are dynamic and it is not uncommon for many of them to change or drift apart over time.

My best, 

Irene

 

 

“There’s just something about getting together with people who have always known you,” remarks Olivia, one of the thirty-something characters in Second Chance by Jane Green (Viking, 2007).

With a storyline that is somewhat reminiscent of the 1983 move, The Big Chill, when a childhood friend (Tom) dies tragically, it sets the stage for four friends to come together at midlife and examine their lives and loves. This novel, by the prolific, New York Times best-selling chick-lit author Green, highlights the role that shared history plays in friendships.

Although their lives have followed very different paths, the four childhood friends reconnect instantaneously. The author describes how that feels for Holly Mac, another of the protagonists: “With friends that feel more like family, not because of …closeness to them now, but because of the strength of a shared history,” writes Green. “They know her mother, she knows theirs. She knows their brothers and sisters, who they were before they adopted the mantle of adulthood…”

The protagonists realize that friendships of our youth remind us not only of our past but also of the person we had always hoped to become. What I enjoyed most was the book’s treatment of weighty issues---like infertility, divorce, betrayal, loneliness, alcoholism, and maintaining one’s sense of self in a marriage---and their bearing on female friendships.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

My best friend, well ex-best friend and I grew up as next door neighbors...destined to be best friends forever. We were those girls who were inseparable and would laugh at the most silly things no matter how silly we would look. After 19 years, we were still the best of friends and closer than ever. I am the more outgoing one whereas she was always more on the shy side, so a lot of our friends were friends with "us" through me.

I set her up with this guy who was a year older than us and hung out with the same crowd as us. He seemed like such a great guy, but we soon came to learn differently. He started to hit on all of us when my best friend wasn't around. One night at a party he put his hand on my rear, but it was a quick innocent brush, if you will. My boyfriend was there to witness it and so were a bunch of our other friends, including some people that my friend worked with. Unfortunately for me, there was one girl she worked with that did not like me one bit and went back to my friend telling her that I was hitting on her boyfriend when she was not around.

The immature and irresponsible side of my friend decided to shut me out for a few days and not talk to me, but her boyfriend wasn't so shy. He called threatening me saying, "Whatever you told Jessica, you better tell her it was all a lie or I swear I will cut your throat". I had no idea what was said at this point and tried to get him to calm down and explain the situation. Well that didn't go so well, since he was hotheaded and mean.

I got in touch with Jessica's younger sister who told me everything that was going on. I left Jessica voicemail after voicemail and she finally called me back. I told her that if there was ever a problem she should come to me, but that I was really disappointed in the fact that she would think I could do something like that to her. We made up of course, but there was another issue on hand...the way her boyfriend had spoken to me.

She understood, but asked me not to make her choose between him and myself. I promised not to, but I told her that I could not and would not be around him at all!!! I guess you could say that pretty much started our distancing right there. This all happened in October 2006, we did not speak again until the next New Year's Eve. We were all together at a party (yes, her boyfriend was there) and we had realized how important we were to each other. Her boyfriend I guess was not happy with that, found a new way to come between us, and started another argument with me. That was New Years 2006 and we have not spoken since.

She has not been with that boyfriend for about a year from what I can guess and she has tried to reach out to me over the past few months. My life is so much different now and we've been through so much. Can we ever get back to that place?? Should I even let her back into my world after cutting me out for so long?? It's her birthday today and yes, I do miss her, but I've been fine for the past two years and have so many other reliable friends in my life. ADVICE PLEASEEE and I'm sorry for the long entry, but it really is the only way to understand everything that has gone on between us.

Sincerely,
Sandy

ANSWER:

Dear Sandy:

It sounds like your childhood friend was in a "difficult" relationship. If her boyfriend threatened to "cut your throat," it's reasonable to assume that he was possessive, controlling, and angry. It sounds like he was very threatened by your close friendship with Jessica. (Sometimes, men like that don't want their girlfriends to have any friends.) Since he has been out of your friend's life for some time, it sounds like she outgrew this unhealthy relationship.

Since you have so much shared history together, I think you should give the relationship another chance. Can you send her a belated birthday card, telling her that you were thinking of her on her special day, and would love to get together for coffee or a meal to catch up with each other? There's not much to lose and everything to gain.

If she says no, you can forget about the relationship and move on with your life (as you already have). Or you may meet and discover you no longer have much in common---except for your past. Not all childhood friendships last forever.

The best of outcomes might be that you really connect again---even though it may feel a bit awkward at first. Caution: If you get together, don't dissect or ruminate over that unfortunate chapter of your lives---and don't try to get too close too quickly.

Let us know what you decide and how it turns out.

My best,
Irene