shame

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene:

I am in my mid-thirties and have always made and had easy friendships. People really like me and I like them and being liked. All would be well except that I harbor a very strong and miserable envious streak. I cannot bear to see my friends be happy in their romantic relationships. This is the case no matter what my own romantic situation is at the time. It is no less painful for me to see them in love when I'm in a happy and loving relationship than it is when I am completely alone.

 

The very fact that they have "someone" eats me up inside. I find reasons to fight with my friends or be overly critical. I give them advice designed specifically to screw up their relationships. But, because I have such a strong history of being a "good" friend, no one would ever suspect my real motives.

 

I hate this about myself. I am a spiritual, introspective person. But when this envy problem flares up, I feel like a very mean child. Any insight or suggestions would be very welcome. Please know I am sincerely troubled by this condition. I love my friends and hate being this miserable person who wishes the worst for them.

Signed,
Donna

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Donna:

It's natural for even a very good friend to feel envious once in a while when a friend has something she doesn't. For example, a woman might wish she had one friend's good figure or another's quick sense of humor. But these are usually passing feelings that recede in the background because there is an overall sense of balance in the relationship. A friend may have some qualities or characteristics you admire and wish you had, and vice versa.

 

Because, the envy you describe seems to rear its head repeatedly and isn't specific to any one friend or situation, you need to consider the possibility that it stems from your own feelings of possessiveness and insecurity. Why else would you be wishing ill will for people you consider friends?

 

I must say that your problem is somewhat unusual because  it's obvious from your note that you are very uncomfortable, and even feel self-loathing, about feeling the way you do. Someone can't feel good about wishing the worst for her friends. Also, you have to feel ashamed, especially, about acting on your feelings by fighting, being critical, and purposely giving friends bad advice.

 

What doesn't make sense to me is how your friends can overlook this rather fatal flaw in your ability to be a good friend. I believe that it is more transparent than you realize and that it lessens the intimacy of your relationships. Close friendships are built on trust, honesty and respect.

 

If you want to salvage your existing friendships or develop new ones that are mutually satisfying, you need to change your behavior. The fact that you have some insight and are able to admit your peccadilloes to yourself and to me suggests there is hope for you to do so.

 

You might benefit from speaking to someone you trust----perhaps a counselor or mental health professional----to explore what's going on and find out what's making someone who isn't ordinarily a bad person act in ways that are destructive to her and to others.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Five years ago, my girlfriend stopped communicating with me. I found out later on from my sister that my friend's husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer and I wasn't there for her.

The only reason I wasn't there was I did not know. Her daughter told me that I had been e-mailed about the situation but I never received the e-mail that I know of. And if she really needed me why didn't she call on the phone?

 

I have tried repeatedly to contact her and apologize. I have tried calling, sent cards and letters, and I have tried going by her business several times, unsuccessfully. I have even talked to her husband, who by the way is now cancer-free, and he said he had no idea how to win her back.

 

We were friends since we were four-years-old and to lose her after 40 years hurts deeply. Can I win her back, or is it hopeless?

Signed,
Angelina

 

 

ANSWER

Dear Angelina:

The loss of longtime friendship is extraordinarily painful---especially, when someone is dumped and the decision has been so one-sided.

 

Misunderstandings are common among friends---a better measure of a friendship is how often these occur and how we get over them. Two friends need to be able to communicate to get over the inevitable rough spots. Having a long shared history ordinarily provides a foundation of trust that makes it easier to clear up relatively minor misunderstandings. This can be more difficult when someone is very upset and has recently experienced trauma or loss, as your friend did when her husband was diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease.

 

Emails are easily deleted, forgotten, and overlooked---so it is plausible that she sent it and you never saw it, or that she meant to send it and never did. Whatever the case, it is now five years later and your apologies have been met with an unexplained wall of silence. There must be some other fundamental problem going on with your friend, one that may or may not have anything to do with you. When behavior can't be explained, there's usually a missing piece of the puzzle that you don't know about.

 

You have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Although this doesn't make the hurt any less painful, situations like this are not unusual and you need to reach closure on your own by continuing to build other solid friendships.

 

I hope this helps!

Sincerely,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

About a year and a half ago I broke up with a friend and I'm still not over it. I was hoping you could offer some insight. I’ve known this girl since 6th grade when she stopped speaking to me over some boy. We became friends again in 7th grade but she always needed a new best friend. She moved out of state in 8th grade and made me promise to go to college in her state.

Well, I did move there and got married (she got married too). The four of us would hang out some but she did the same things as she did in elementary school: she'd just stop calling or she would ask for rides or a babysitter when she needed something and we'd be there to help. But if we needed something she'd just whine and complain. We moved a couple times within the same city and she was always negative about were we lived, saying we lived in a bad neighborhood (when we didn't and we had a brand new house).

Finally my husband and I stopped speaking to them because we felt like we were being used. About 3 years later, I started feeling guilty so I called her to see how she was and she was happy to hear from me. We started hanging out again and things seemed all right. I actually helped her to get a job at the same place where I worked with my husband.

My husband and I started to have problems and were considering a divorce. It turns out that she HATED my husband. She kept encouraging me to divorce him and spread rumors about him at work. Apparently she was talking about me, too, and spreading our personal problems to everyone we worked with. It made work very uncomfortable but she denied saying anything. She told me I shouldn't have told her any of my problems if I didn't want them to be known!

I ended up getting my own place and separating from my husband. I was very depressed and could hardly get out of bed. She was always mad at me for not “snapping out of it”. I eventually went to a doctor and got on anti-depressants and starting seeing a therapist, but she kept talking about me, saying that the anti-depressants weren’t good for me. She told me that I needed to convert to her religion to find happiness and get over the depression.

I agreed to go to church with her a few times but after a couple months decided it wasn't the place for me. When I began studying with a Rabbi she began saying horrible things about Jewish people and constantly told me how “sorry” she was that I was going to hell. I ended up moving out of state for a new job and to start a new life: I had planned to remain friends with her and talk to her from out of state.

Once I moved, she started sending me bible tracts and told me that Hebrew was a “bad language” to learn. Then I received an email with childish insults and name calling from both her and her husband. I just couldn't take it anymore and didn't want to fight, or call names so I just stop talking to her altogether. I deleted all the emails I got from her without ever reading them and changed my phone number.  Now she has befriended my mother on Facebook and constantly leaves my mom messages about how great she is. I feel like she's crossed the line by trying to be friends with my mom or she's displaying some passive aggressive behavior.

I feel a lot of guilt over this and feel like it is immature for me to stop being friends with someone. My life has improved A LOT since I stopped being friends with her and my self-esteem has climbed. Should I feel guilty over this? I feel like it is something that some middle school girls would do but I never imagined adults would stop speaking like this. Should I say something to her about being Facebook friends with my mom? Or do I just let this go?

Signed,
Unable to Let Go

ANSWER:

Dear Unable to Let Go,

I hope that by posting your dilemma on this blog and reading it in black-and-white, it helps clarify your answer to the question you posed: Should I just let this go? When other women write about their friendship dilemmas, the answers are often in shades of gray. This one isn’t.

It sounds like your ex-friend has been possessive, self-centered, negative and controlling from the time she was an adolescent and she still hasn’t outgrown it. While you tolerated her for some time, you and your husband appropriately decided to end the relationship. The same attitudes and behaviors you overlooked in middle school were less acceptable when you saw them appear in an adult.

Like most women, you tried to put a positive spin on your friendship when you attempted to renew it three years later. Then your friend began to encourage you to leave your husband, spread rumors about you and your husband to your colleagues, and betrayed confidences about you to people at work. I can’t help but think that she was alienating you from him and your co-workers so she could have you for herself again. Then she tried to dictate your religious beliefs and showed little sensitivity to or understanding of your values or emotions. Besides, people generally don’t “snap out” of a clinical depression.

Don’t you remember you changed your phone number to avoid contact wit her and even deleted her emails? Why would you ever feel guilty for cutting off a friendship like this one? You deserve so much better.

Why would you want to re-friend someone who has been such a negative influence? Yes, she crossed the line by trying to befriend your mom and there is no point in initiating contact with her over this. However, you should let your mother know how nasty your friend has been to you so she doesn’t get sucked in. The rules of friendship on Facebook are often pretty murky but I would think your mother wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with your ex-friend if she knew how much pain she had caused you.

Clearly, you are feeling happier and more self-confident since you broke off with her. Yet you are guilty and ashamed about separating from a long-time friend. You seem to be tied to they myth that “best friends are forever” but generally, this isn’t the case. Being able to let go, in this situation, wouldn’t be immature; in fact, it would be a sign of your maturity. You need to let go and move on. This woman sounds like a toxic friend.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene