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It doesn't surprise me that all the women I know are crazy about the new TNT series, Men of A Certain Age (Mondays 10PM/9c). The groundbreaking dramedy explores the bonds of late-middle-age male friendships as portrayed by three talented amigos: Ray Romano, Scott Bakula, Andre Braugher. What women love most about this show is that we finally get a glimpse of male friendships that resemble our own!

 

Joe (Romano) is the neurotic, recently separated, owner of a party story who is living in a hotel after having left his wife and two kids. Terry (Bakula) is a free wheeling spirit, an aging actor and yoga instructor, who has seemingly mastered the single life-for better and for worse. Owen (Braugher) is a stressed, overweight, and underpaid family man with diabetes who works in a car dealership owned by his despot father. Defying the stereotypes of male friendships, these men have figured out a way to maintain a tight threesome since their college days that continues to enrich each of their lives.

 

Conventional wisdom has it that male and female friendships are distinctly different; this truism is based on the convergence of decades of anthropological, psychological and sociological research. While there are some notable exceptions, overall, women are more likely than men to surround themselves with "best friends" with whom they can share their lives and feelings. Men, on the other hand, have fewer close friends; they are more likely to hang out with large groups of acquaintances or to become social isolates or appendages to women.

 

Women are happy just BEING together, having time to talk and share feelings. Men enjoy DOING things together-whether it's playing golf, watching a baseball game, or taking a hike. For this reason, female friendships have typically been described as face-to-face while their male counterparts have been characterized as side-to-side. Such distinctions based on gender are deeply ingrained and may even be genetic. A study of infants found that baby girls are far more likely to pay attention to facial expressions than are baby boys, suggesting that females may be more in tune with feelings and emotions from birth. As youngsters, boys tend to play in groups while women prefer best friend relationships.

 

Which brings us back to the show: The protagonists are three 40-something men who have maintained a remarkable friendship despite their lives veering off in different directions. Much of the dialogue takes place across the table in a local diner where they banter over coffee about the challenges they are facing in adjusting to change. They do it in a way that is both highly intelligent and highly relatable.

 

What is it about the bonds of these Men of A Certain Age that resonates with women?

1) While their personalities and life situations are different from one another, the men haven't lost sight that their friendship is based on their shared history (which counts for a lot), and the commonalities and core values they share as men and as human beings.

2) Even though there are signs of a technological revolution all around them, these men recognize the importance of "face time." They regularly get together for meals so they can talk and remain current with each other's lives. When Joe observes his teenage children texting, it's clear that cell phones and the Internet are still a bit of an anathema to him.

3) Just like women who freely talk about their bodies, internal secretions, and itchy parts, the "boys" are comfortable sharing uncomfortable intimacies with one another. In the last episode, Joe talked candidly about his insecurities in making love with another woman for the first time after being separated from his wife.

4) The men have come to realize that neither they, as individuals, nor their friendships are perfect. Each man has his peccadilloes. For example, Joe has a gambling habit that's caused him a lot of problems. While his buddies are aware of it and occasionally remind him that he needs to get it under control, they accept him as he is without judging him too harshly.

5) Even with the confines of a show that lasts but one hour each week (wish it were more), the men always have time to laugh. Despite economic pressures, periodic lapses in self-confidence, problems achieving balance between work and life, and coping with a stable of unstable relationships, they make time to kick back and enjoy themselves.

 

Whether you're male or female, of a certain age or not, you'll find yourself laughing with or cringing at their antics, recognizing once again the vital importance of friendship and wishing there were more characters like these guys.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Nicole and I met soon after each of us moved to a new town and we hit it off immediately. We were both adrenaline junkies, partners in crime who enjoyed outdoor activities. Sometimes we thought of each other as twin sisters or maybe more, like teenage brothers. I'm a lesbian and Nicole is bisexual and we dated briefly. Nicole wasn't that interested and I decided to end it when she started avoiding me although I would have preferred otherwise.

 

We remained friends. Unfortunately, I noticed a cruel side to her personality after we stopped dating. She started to make condescending and dismissive remarks if I wanted to "talk" about what was bothering me about us. She even threatened that she would walk away from me if I brought up certain subjects.

 

If she met a new friend, Nicole would ask that I sit in the back of her car so her new friend could sit in the passenger seat. She'd call me to cry about her boyfriend who dumped her and she'd pick up girls in front of me while at clubs. She even started getting frisky with one, literally in front of me.

 

She knew I was sore and sensitive. I confronted her about her behavior and her response was that since I'm her friend and not an ex (we were never in a long-term relationship), there was nothing wrong with what she said or did. She seems to have conveniently ignored that I still had romantic feelings for her.

 

I requested a "break" for a couple months and then we started up our friendship again. She seemed really happy to see me and I was glad to see her. But I had unresolved anger and became passive aggressive at times. She requested a break. Several months passed. We tried to be friends again but now she's in a relationship a new boyfriend.

 

She wants all of us to hang out together since weekend trips and campouts are better suited to groups. I'm just trying to come to grips with my jilted ego over this guy who's taking away time I could be spending with her. When I expressed my discomfort, we went on a trip for several days without him but she was angry at me that her boyfriend wasn't with her. On our last night, she more or less gave me a threat/ultimatum that going forward, she's won't leave her boyfriend behind. I had to remind her that she chose to do the trip with me.

 

I'm tired of her hostility. I'm tired of how I'm feeling. I'll miss parts of her but can walk away but I'd rather salvage this relationship if possible. Is this too broken? Should I get a clue and move on? Please help. This is really about friendship with a misbegotten romance that may have complicated the issue.

Signed,
Lacey

ANSWER

Dear Lacey:

It’s exceedingly difficult, usually impossible, to downgrade a romance to a platonic friendship AFTER SOMEONE HAS BEEN DUMPED. There is just too much residual hurt and anger. Nicole has made it clear that she no longer has any romantic interest in you. She's avoided you and dismissed you, yet you keep coming back for further insults and assaults to your ego.

 

You need to simply let go of her and look elsewhere for someone with whom you can to share your time, energy, and desires. For whatever reasons, she's just not that into you!

 

I’m not sure whether her hostility and ambivalence is only directed at you or to other "friends" as well---but that is her problem. Don't allow it to be yours any longer. You will feel much more in control emotionally if you make a clean break from this destructive relationship.

 

It's hard to understand your ambivalence as well. Yes, your friendship is too broken to fix and you need to figure out why you would ever want to salvage it, given that has been so unsatisfying on so many levels.

My best wishes,
Irene

In the course of my own research on female friendships, I serendipitously found the perfect mentor to teach me about male friendships and the differences between the two: Geoffrey Greif, DSW, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of the new book, Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships (Oxford University Press, 2008).

Dr. Greif studied 386 men and 122 women, whom he interviewed in depth about their definitions of friendship, how they made friends, how they maintained them, and whether they had ever lost friends. These questions and answers represent just a few of the lessons he learned and that he shares in greater detail in his excellent book:

Q: How do male and female friendships differ from one another?

Through listening to men and women and studying what they tell us about friendships, certain tenets about friendship can be cautiously put forth. We must be careful though about making sweeping generalizations about women’s friendships, just as we must be careful about making generalizations about men’s. Great diversity exists in the friendships of both genders---but:

• Women are more apt to say they have enough friends and that friends are important; they are less apt to say they didn’t have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family. Or, it could be as we have heard from some men: that they have a hard time connecting with other men in a way that is satisfying to them on a friendship level. They may feel they do not have enough must friends. (Grief uses four categories to describe friendships: must, trust, rust and just).

• Women are more apt to help each other than are men, by being supportive, encouraging, and “being there.” Men, on the other hand, are more apt to give their friends advice and offer their perspectives. Both mentioned the importance of listening and talking. Men tend to be fixers, and see getting something concrete accomplished as a way of helping, whereas women are more comfortable with emotional support, which sometimes involves listening without giving specific advice.

• When with friends, women spend more time shopping, going out to dine with them and going to the movies, as well as staying home with friends to cook or watch movies. Communication, as part of the relationship, is frequent for both women and men. Men, who gave fewer distinct responses to this question, are much more apt to be involved in sports-related activities, either as a participant or viewer.

• To make friends, women may reach out to others a bit more than men, and they are less concerned with finding commonalities as a basis for friendships. Men mention sports more often than women as a basis for making friends. To feel comfortable, men may be slightly more apt to need a socially acceptable arena for having a friendship begin, like a similar hobby or sports. This would be a shoulder-to-shoulder approach to friendships, as opposed to women perhaps feeling slightly more comfortable making friends without a specific activity or commonality being at the center of the friendship.

• To maintain a friendship, women put a much greater value on frequent contact than men. Men often mention being able to pick up again with a friend after little contact, whereas women place a greater value on staying in touch. Women appear to need more communication in general than men. Emotional connection is important to them, and it is often manifested by staying in frequent contact.

• Women are more apt to lose friends and more apt to try to get them back than are men. We have learned already that men are often less concerned about slights than women and so they may be slightly less apt to lose a friend because of someone’s behavior.

Q: How are male and female friendships similar?

• The words used to define friendships are similar. Being understood, trust, dependability, and loyalty are key features of friendships for both genders.

• The percentage of people who said they had a friend of the opposite sex is similar.

• The importance of friends, although slightly higher for women, is very high for both men and women.

• Women and men both make friends through their spouses and significant others.

• Women’s friendships can also be effectively grouped using the must, trust, just, and rust categories. These categories of friendships are discussed in depth in the book and help us understand our relationships with friends.

Q: What can men learn from female friendships?

Men can learn that physical and emotional expressiveness can exist in a friendship without it meaning that a man is gay. Women are much less concerned about this level of expressiveness than are men who often pull back from other men. Men are socialized to compete with and not pursue other men as friends. Unless it is sports, music, or war, emulating men, having a “crush” on them, and being physically close, is not universally acceptable.

Q: What can women learn from female friendships?

Men tend to have less complicated friendships than women. Some women, when directly asked, said they wished their relationships were more upfront and less emotionally demanding. They like the fact that men are able to resolve differences more quickly and move on.

“Cultural relevance is key,” cautions Dr. Greif. “Different sub-groups in America view friendships, women’s and men’s roles, and community connectiveness in vastly divergent ways. Anything that can be learned from men or women must be understood within such a context.”

In your own experience, which friendships do you think are stronger or more meaningful, male or female? Who takes the gold and who takes the silver?

 

 

What will you be doing when Sex and The City (SATC) hits the theatres on Friday, May 30th? If you are female and haven’t thought about getting together with friends, you must be living in a cave. The trailers and marketing blitz have reached a feverish pitch.

On that evening (and the weeks and months that follow), single, divorced, widowed and married women will be making a beeline to local theatres in their Manolos---sort of like voting with their feet. They are seizing a girl’s night out (GNO)---away from husbands, boyfriends, jerks, work, housekeeping, caregiving, cooking and kids to enjoy and support one another.

The larger-than-life friends we all wish we had---Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda---are making it to the Silver Screen, providing the rest of us the kick in the butt we need to take time off to kindle our own friendships. A small sampling of what’s happening:

BOSTON

After the movie, 20-something Kristin Albano and friends will be heading to a favorite Italian place in the North End for Cosmos and dinner. Women never have enough time for friends: “Since we’ve all graduated from college, it’s hard to keep up friendships,” she says. “We work and have boyfriends, families and many other things that need our attention.”

MIAMI

Sarah Socarros and three others (Is this group of four a mere coincidence?) will shop, dine, and catch the flick at the Dolphin Mall followed by cocktails. “This is the perfect excuse because guys aren’t really that into the phenomenon. We can be more candid - a la SATC if ya catch my drift,” she says.

HOLLYWOOD

Carol Stevenson and friends (suburban mommies with young kids) will dine at The Bowery and go to The ArcLite Theatre and order Cosmos. Designer duds don’t always cut it when your days are spent changing diapers and cleaning up spills so this group is looking for fashion and fun. “My friend Sylvia is a great planner of adult-only functions,” she says. “Who needs a better excuse than a chick flick? Women love the fantasy of the lives the women on SATC lead. Most of us have never been able to be that carefree, even before we got married and had kids!”

Another group from Sherman Oaks has chosen The ArcLite where Monica Sagaser will be one of ten 30- and 40-somethings celebrating friendship. “The truth of the writing and the characters is compelling and addictive,” she says. “The girls of SATC are imperfect and make lots of complex, humorous and entirely identifiable mistakes. Also, the complexities of friendship are integral to every episode. We all dream of having that special BFF---but the world is too busy.”

FORT WORTH

Sarah McClellan-Brandt and three others will be sipping Cosmos at a local (only in Texas) “movie tavern.” “It’s a great excuse for a GNO because SATC is something guys understand but don’t want any part of,” she says. “There are so many women who will let their female friendships wither once they are in a serious relationship but SATC shows how important it is NOT to do that.”

MEMPHIS

It’s never too late. On May 30, Dominique Pryor-Anderson will purchase tickets online to watch the movie with 19 other friends on May 31 at the Paradiso Theater, followed by sushi and drinks. “All women have or want to have camaraderie like the girls had on the show,” she says.

NEW YORK

“As a woman living in NYC, I feel it necessary to pay homage to a show that embodies the essence of women across our great city,” says Denise Espinal. “It always feels good when you see yourself in someone else and I believe each one of the SATC characters is relatable. She had intended to share the special night with five of her closest friends until “word spread” and now there are thirty. “The impact that the show has had on my life is worth spending a night out in the city, wearing brand new stilettos and getting all dressed up to sit in a movie theatre. In a city full of stress and mayhem, busy schedules and deadlines, it’s good to find an escape.”

BIRMINGHAM

Lauren Burke sent out e-vites to 25 co-workers and friends in Birmingham. (She even sent me one, on the condition that I wouldn’t come). “I will be having ladies over to my apartment for a premiere party. “ They’ll play SATC Trivia, with Season 6 of the show playing in the background.” Lauren’s asked everyone to wear an element of pink, or to rock a big Carrie flower, or to come with some Samantha bling. But for her too, it’s the friendships that count: “Women love to talk about their lives and relationships. When you have a bad date, at least you have a story to rehash with your friends!”

SCOTTSDALE

“All my girlfriends, their sisters, and their sister’s friends are planning a big night out,” says Natasha Nelson. “We all grew up together and since many of us have started families and companies, we don’t get a chance to hang the ways we used to. Most women I know have girlfriends but the SATC girls really spend a lot of time together and seem to be each other’s true support.”

MINNEAPOLIS

Three weeks ago, Dani Gibbs relocated to Minneapolis be with her fiancée. She had planned to attend a GNO with old friends in LA (at the ArcLite too, coincidentally). Suddenly, she was in a new place without any old friends. It didn’t stop her. “I used MinneapolisLinkUp.com to host a quickie event to meet some people and then inquired about doing a GNO for SATC and--TA-DA! Yep, chicks in Minneapolis were interested too. It’s a good excuse because it’s a girlie movie and common ground for a lot of different women/personalities,” she says.

PORTLAND

GNOs are an every-other-week-thing for Julie Ma and her friends, most of who just graduated from college. There is always an excuse to “catch up with life, talk about whom we’re dating, how work is going, what our goals are, and to meet people and network,” she says. “We live in a fast-paced world and you have to have girlfriends to catch you when you fall, rescue you from the creepy guy on the dance floor, toast your successes and back you up on challenges.” After cocktails and hors d’ouevres, Julie’s group will see a midnight show.

ATLANTA

Skirt! Magazine has invited lucky Kristin Harmel to attend a premiere in Atlanta on Tuesday. Kristin, who fancies herself as a real-life Carrie of sorts, is making an evening of it with fashion designer friend, Amy Tangerine. “We plan to get our hair blown out and wear our Carrie Bradshaw best. Then we’ll head out for dinner and drinks,” she says. “I'm a big believer in looking inside ourselves for happiness and establishing strong female friendships instead of looking for men to ‘complete us’ -although I think it's wonderful to find a man to compliment the lives we've already built for ourselves.” Kristin already has plans to see SATC a second time as part of a foursome in Pittsburgh with friends Kristen, Megan and Amber.

PITTSBURGH

Mary Ann Miller and three friends are attending a Pittsburgh preview on Friday evening. “They were avid followers of the TV program and while I wasn’t as committed to watching, they always kept me up to speed,” she says. The local women’s center and shelter is sponsoring a cocktail party followed by the screening. The group has been meeting monthly for dinner for almost a decade and has silver Tiffany bracelets with a GNO charm.

WASHINGTON, DC

After Cosmos and appetizers at a friend’s apartment, Megan Erhardt and 20 friends will be hailing cabs to Georgetown to watch the movie. For her group, the movie will bring back lots of memories. ”Many of our best college memories include watching the show or referencing scenes, fashion, relationship issues.” Her pal, Mariel Poole, will be there too. “Girlfriends become your extended family,” she says.

VIRGINIA

On a grand scale, an organization call Success in the City, whose goal is “uniting women of achievement” will host a day-long SATC festival with a pre-party the night before. “The event is called, BIG, REALLY BIG, BIGGER THAN MR. BIG!” says CEO Cynthia de Lorenzi. An after-party is planned at Saks Fifth Avenue in Tysons Galleria Mall, aptly called “Saks in the City”---with Cosmos, shopping discounts, and networking opportunities. Guests will receive a SWAG bag and an opportunity to enter a drawing for an Eiffel Tower Purse like the one that Carrie carries in the movie.

SAN FRANCISCO

Suzanne Agasi is planning the ultimate SATC GNO. Her 150th clothing swap, Swap in the City, will be celebrated on Friday May 30th at the Intercontinental Hotel. Each participant will get a ticket for the Century 9 theatre a few blocks away. Four hundred SATC aficionados are expected to de-clutter their closets and exchange clothes at the swap that benefits three local shelters.

It’s not surprising that female friendships trump Sex. Friends help define who we are and who we want to become. The movie release provides proof positive of our need for close friendships and offers one convenient avenue to nurture them. Women need to find more ways.