self-centered

I recently answered this question on HerCampus. This problem is a common one, unfortunately.

 

QUESTION

I can never get a word in edgewise with my friend. I like her but she is super narcissistic. What are the best ways to deal with a friend who wants to always talk about herself?

 

ANSWER

If you can't find a subtle way to change the topic when she's speaking, directly ask her to slow down or stop for a minute. You'll probably startle her because she's so used to talking uninterrupted. Tell her how frustrated you feel about not being able to say something. Whatever you do, don't call her narcissistic; that will only make her defensive.

 

Instead, focus on talking about your own feelings and see if she responds appropriately. If your get-togethers continue to make you feel like you're having conversations with a re-run of a bad TV show, you either have to accept her as she is---or downgrade your relationship. She may be more tolerable in small doses. With the time you recoup, you can nurture other friendships with people with whom you can have more meaningful and balanced conversations.

 

___________________________________

 

If you have this type of problem, take a look at some earlier posts on The Friendship Blog that focus on similar topics:

 

It's hard to say goodbye to a BFF, even if she's a narcissist

Self-centered friends with hefty needs

Five tips for handling a friend who talks incessantly

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I met my former BFF on the first day of college almost nine years ago. A year later, I went to a party she was throwing and met my now fiancé, who is great friends
with her brothers. She was always a high maintenance friend; she was more concerned with having tons of friends and living the wild college life, rather than issues I was struggling with at 19 (becoming financially independent from my parents, paying for school on my own, and keeping a roof over my head). I stopped talking to her after a year out of frustration with the way she degraded my struggle to pay to fix my broken down car and suggested I just ask my parents for the money.

 

Three months later, my boyfriend and I moved 800 miles away. When she and her brother came to visit us, I was forced to spend time with her. It was on this visit that we rekindled our friendship and soon declared ourselves BFF's. We took several summer trips, visited each other regularly, emailed daily, discussed and analyzed every possible reason for her not finding success in dating: what was wrong with her, what was wrong with the guys she dated, why she couldn't find love, how she wanted to get married and have babies.

 

I started to see what mutual friends had told me---that everything was always about her. Then she lost her job. At the same time, I had some really scary health issues. Instead of listening and giving me moral support, she told me there was nothing I could do and we needed to stop talking about it. I was scared, in pain and crushed at her response. I stopped participating in daily IM sessions, replied to emails curtly and focused on the issues I was dealing with, without the support of my BFF.

 

A few months later, I told her I was upset she wasn't interested in the important issues things I was dealing with and how her comments felt sarcastic, insincere and condescending. She brushed me off so she could continue talking about her own problems: her misery in her job, dealing with a new boyfriend, moving in together, "Oh no! He hasn't called he must be cheating." Her immaturity, selfishness and narcissism began to grate on my nerves. I tried to be a patient, kind and supportive friend, but it just wasn't fun anymore.

 

The last straw was when two friends got engaged and she told me that she just couldn't be happy for one of them. She went on and on about how SHE wanted to be
engaged and why wasn't her boyfriend ready after 9 months. When we discussed my impending engagement plans, the conversation always circled back to her wedding plans. When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't want to tell her because I knew she would downplay the intimate, perfect way that my boyfriend asked me to be his wife. I didn't want to be brushed off.

 

I stopped IM'ing and made excuses about being busy. I acknowledged all of her contact but kept things simple and short. Then I formally announced my engagement and sent her an email with the good news. She replied angrily about how I could do such a thing over email. I told her that she had hurt my feelings when she flipped the conversation about my engagement to her wedding plans, and that wasn't what I expected from my BFF. She demanded specific examples of what she did wrong, that my generalizations weren't enough. I didn't reply, I've been enjoying my engagement and planning my wedding. For the first time in years, I feel free. I feel energized. I don't come home from work after long IM sessions with her feeling that the life is sucked out of me.

 

Last week, she and her boyfriend both sent me emails asking that we work things out, telling me that she is devastated and will do anything to make things right. There isn't anything to work out. I don't want to be friends anymore. She isn't the type of friend I want in my life. I want to surround myself with friends that are energizing, friendships that both give and take, and women who are fun to be around. I replied that I couldn't be the friend that I wanted to be at this time in my life. My question is how I can end this cycle of emails from her. I don't want to deliberately hurt her, but she isn't listening to what I'm saying and ignoring her isn't giving me the result I want. I would really appreciate your help!

Kind regards,
Jane

 

ANSWER

Dear Jane,

When two people share so much history together, it's always hard to end a friendship, even one that is hanging by a thread. In this case, an added complication is that you met your fiancé through your friend, and have a relationship with her brothers. I understand, too, why you wouldn't want to hurt someone who once was your friend.

 

When you were in college, you may have been looking for different things in your friendships. Now you are quite clear that she isn't the type of friend you want: She is extremely self-centered and narcissistic and you aren't able to either share your problems or your happiness with her.

 

While the rules of friendship sometimes feel murky, it is totally reasonable to surround yourself with the kinds of friends you want. It was a great idea to tell her that "you" can't be the kind of friend you want to be at this time. There is no use in blaming her or providing more examples and details of what's; whatever more you could say isn't going to change her or your feelings towards her.

 

Be sure to give your fiancé a heads up about your plans (because he is involved through his relationship to her brothers) and end the cycle of emails by making the firm decision not to respond to them any more. Then let your friend know that you will not be responding to future emails.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Irene

 

Have a friendship problem or dilemma? Send it to The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend has been going through marriage problems ever since I've known her (13 years now). I have been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. When the problems got too big to deal with, I suggested counseling since I didn't want their marriage problems to affect the friendship that I have with her husband too and that my husband has with them.

 

Now, my dilemma is that I personally have gone through a very stressful period in my life with the loss of several family members. I really don't want to talk about all her stresses anymore! I know she feels hurt by this. But the main issue revolves around the funeral of one of my family members. My daughter and my friend, at the funeral home, exchanged words and my daughter ended up in tears out in the parking lot, crying over my friend's insensitivity. It was over a picture taken several years ago and my daughter was joking around with my friend about it because she had hidden it behind one of the pictures that just happened to be at the funeral home.

 

My friend snapped at my daughter and just walked away from her. When I found my daughter crying in the parking lot I couldn't believe my friend acted the way she did. I started to feel that she wasn't there to support my family in our loss but that she is so self-absorbed in her own misery that she just is not seeing things clearly. When I told her how upset my daughter was about their exchange she just said that my daughter was in the wrong. I know I would feel badly if the tables were turned and I had upset her child.

 

Can I get over this? Should I even try? She is acting like I owe her an apology. I have extended opportunities to reconnect but I find she wants to stay in the role of victim and just wants someone there who will pity her. Should I just leave the ball in her court? Please do not use my name if this gets posted. Thank you!

Signed,
Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

Whenever there's a death in a family, the mourners left behind are usually under considerable stress---especially during the funeral and the days leading up to it. Even if your daughter made a mistake or error in judgment, your friend knew your family was grieving and should have given her some slack. Moreover, she should have done what she could to minimize, rather than add to, your stress. Even if she got angry at the moment, to not forgive you or your daughter afterwards sounds wrong.

 

As hard as it is to give up a long-term friendship, this isn't the first time your friend has disappointed you. In this instance, since she rebuffed your efforts to reconnect, I would definitely leave the ball in her court.

 

I'm sorry for your recent losses, which had to have been compounded by this unfortunate incident.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Hopefully, you can help me with my predicament. Over the past six months I've been "friends" with a 25-year-old girl. I'm a 37-year-old woman. Yeah, you know where I'm going with this! She is where I USED to be: binging, playing the victim role, can't find love, affection, or the attention she needs. Anyway, it's always about HER and I have reached the point where I don't pick up the phone when she calls or texts.

Today, I hadn't spoken to her in a week and was in a great mood so I answered the phone in a very "up" way. Immediately she said, "Oh, you're in such a good mood, that makes what I have to say even harder" and she went on about how she binged because she finally got the boot from her ex. He's done with her.

I listened, gave advice and she asked at the end like she always does, how I was. But I could tell she really didn't care. I developed a headache during the conversation and ended up eating more than I wanted to out of frustration. Thing is, I want to be there and help her, but not if it hurts me. I am the only one she can turn to help her build strength to overcome her demons. However, she's draining me and I'm just not sure what the best course of action is for me to take.

If you can shed any light on this, I would be eternally grateful!!

Signed,
Grace

ANSWER

Dear Grace,

Healthy relationships are reciprocal, with give and take on both sides. Having been in your friend's shoes, you have been very empathetic-but it sounds like her neediness and self-centeredness have become overwhelming.

Having only one person to turn to isn't good for either of you. If you are consistently getting headaches and feeling frustrated when you speak or spend time together, you need to step back and make some changes. Talk to your friend and tell her that while you care about her and want to help, you are her friend and not a therapist. Perhaps, you could gently raise the possibility of her talking to a counselor or therapist to resolve some of the unresolved issues that are making her unhappy.

Try to suggest doing things together that you both enjoy rather than giving her the opportunity to ruminate about her problems. You might also suggest that she try to find some friends who are closer to her in age. While the age difference between you isn't an inherent problem, it sounds like there is a maturity gap. It is telling that you call her a "girl" and you call yourself a "woman."

You, too, need to expand your circle of friends and find other relationships that help you grow in different ways. I know your patience is wearing thin, but try to be firm but kind. Perhaps, you need to allow her a little time to get over the trauma of her lost boyfriend before you step back. Hopefully, you can preserve your friendship but change the pattern and intensity of relating to one another.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

I'm currently my best friend's maid of honor and the entire experience has been painful at best. I've been looking for some advice and support on how to deal with a friendship that's breaking apart due to a bride's behavior but the vast majority of blogs/websites focus on only bridesmaids ruining the wedding or friendship.

I've been friends with the bride for the past twenty years and over the past year of wedding planning, I am certain the friendship is over. In our circle of friends, everyone thought I would be the first to get married (I've been with my partner longer than she has, I’ve wanted to get married while she hasn't, and her proposal was a total surprise). I've put aside my feelings of jealousy and just been happy for my friend, but lately she's been complaining about how hard wedding planning is and it makes me feel like she is taking for granted something I would cherish.

She was never taught etiquette. She, her mother, and her sister are very "laid-back" people who don't care for social niceties. They have asked family and other wedding guests to bring the food; friends are paying for an open bar; they aren't inviting the officiant to the rehearsal because the bride “doesn't want her to say much." They have had one engagement party, a bachelorette weekend away, two bridal showers, and a stag and doe, and have a registry filled with high-priced items.  

At this point, I have paid more for this wedding than the bride and groom have! The mother-of-the-bride has hosted one bridal shower and the engagement party, and emailed invites to these events only days before hand to the bridal party. We all live in separate cities and has even confessed that she didn’t invite the bride's man (a male bridesmaid) until the day before because she doesn't really want him there.

The bride had originally asked me to be in charge of making sure the food gets prepared in time for the buffet dinner (in addition to my maid of honor duties, and making their wedding cake). I told her I thought she should find someone else because the food would need to go into the ovens during the ceremony and I wouldn't be able to do it as I would be standing with her.  

She flipped out and started crying and saying she should have just eloped.  Since then, no matter how much I offer to help she says she's doesn't need it, but she posts on Facebook how stressed she is and how she needs help. I believe she just likes people to feel bad for her. For as long as I've known her she has always played the victim in life and now I realize I just can't handle it anymore.  

I've always been a strong, confident person and just cannot respect this type of "poor me" behavior. I can't say anything because I have to walk on eggshells around her as she's the type to cry over every little confrontation. Over the past four months she hasn't called me and will only email about wedding issues, sometimes she'll add "How are you doing?" and when I reply telling her in about my life, she doesn't reply and the next email I receive is about the wedding.

I'm currently in the process of writing my speech and for the life of me cannot find any words to say, any that would be appropriate at least.
I'm sorry this email is so long and rambling! If you can offer me any advice as to how I can move forward, or how I can get through my speech it would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
One very tired maid of honor

ANSWER

Dear Very Tired Maid of Honor,

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with your best friend. Brides often are self-absorbed but this one sounds over the top. I’m not sure how much of her narcissism is related to the wedding and how much is related to the bride’s personality and upbringing. It may be the combination of the two that is so punishing.

Accepting the role of maid of honor has put you in the position of witnessing many of your friend’s warts that you may have missed before. (Keep in mind that you may be feeling a bit more sensitive than usual too, because, as you admit, it would be nicer if you were the one walking down the aisle now.)

Please keep your justifiable anger under control, and just get through the wedding and be a very gracious maid of honor. Your speech can be a piece of cake if you talk about how you met, recall the good times you shared together during your long friendship, and wish her the best for the future.

After things have simmered down for both of you, you’ll need to determine whether the friendship is worth salvaging. Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My best friend has been in a relationship for the last two years. She has low self-esteem and this guy is no good, controlling and manipulative. I’m not the only friend who has told her that.

Since she has been with him it seems the only time she contacts me anymore is when they’re fighting. So after this last fight, a little over a week ago, she said it was the biggest fight they ever had and she was sure it was over. She told me he was a complete "A". So anyway in the end she ends up making excuses why it’s her fault and not his, blah, blah.

While all this was going on with her I had my own issues. My mother was ill and we live 3000 miles apart. Also, my mom was very worried about my sister who was in a bad relationship; my mom was begging me to try and talk sense into her.

Now I never mentioned any of this to my friend; I just didn't think she was in an emotional state to deal with my problems due to the drama she was having in her own life. Since my sister is a MySpace friend, I posted some blogs about bad relationships. My friend got all freaked out, assuming they were about her and her boyfriend, and was worried about what he might think or say.

To be fair, she knows I think her boyfriend is not giving back what she puts into the relationship. So I told her that I understood why she might think that the blog posts were about her, but they weren't, and explained what I had going on and that I wasn't going to filter something based on her fear of her boyfriend’s reaction.

Never did she say, “I am sorry, I didn't know” or “How are you doing? NOTHING. No concern about me, or what was going on in my life. Since I have not spoken to her. I don't now if I should tell her how she hurt me by being selfish and that she was not a good friend to me? Or do I let it go, say nothing and wait and see if she contacts me? I am just not sure how to handle this, I feel like I have been used over the past two years.

Signed,
Marley

ANSWER

Dear Marley,

Your friend is involved in a destructive, controlling relationship with her boyfriend and, unfortunately,  isn’t ready to leave him. Even though you and other friends have given her honest feedback and have tried to be supportive, it hasn’t helped. It’s not a good sign that she’s still making excuses for him.

You’re used to the drill: Whenever they have a conflict, she expects you to be there for her. After they patch things up, she ricochets back to him. Her boyfriend may be so possessive that he makes it uncomfortable for her to be with female friends.

Her response to your MySpace posts was over-the-top, but she may have felt guilty (after seeing herself in these posts) or fearful (that her boyfriend would see what you had written). However, if you never mentioned your family problems to your friend, you can hardly fault her for not being responsive. By the time you did, she may have been too distressed about her own situation to be responsive to yours.

The big problem for you, as I see it, is that you feel like you’ve have been at the short end of the stick for two years and, frankly, I can't see things changing as long as your friend is involved with this guy.

You have two choices now. Your friend really needs a good friend. If you value the friendship, you can approach her honestly, let her know your feelings about her and her boyfriend, lower your expectations, and hope that she’ll figure a way out of this relationship.

 

Alternatively, if you still think this friendship is more work than it is worth, you can tell her that you are disappointed in her self-centeredness and feel like you need to take a break in your friendship until she figures out a way to resolve her problems with her boyfriend.

Hope this is helpful. Let us know what happens.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

About a year and a half ago I broke up with a friend and I'm still not over it. I was hoping you could offer some insight. I’ve known this girl since 6th grade when she stopped speaking to me over some boy. We became friends again in 7th grade but she always needed a new best friend. She moved out of state in 8th grade and made me promise to go to college in her state.

Well, I did move there and got married (she got married too). The four of us would hang out some but she did the same things as she did in elementary school: she'd just stop calling or she would ask for rides or a babysitter when she needed something and we'd be there to help. But if we needed something she'd just whine and complain. We moved a couple times within the same city and she was always negative about were we lived, saying we lived in a bad neighborhood (when we didn't and we had a brand new house).

Finally my husband and I stopped speaking to them because we felt like we were being used. About 3 years later, I started feeling guilty so I called her to see how she was and she was happy to hear from me. We started hanging out again and things seemed all right. I actually helped her to get a job at the same place where I worked with my husband.

My husband and I started to have problems and were considering a divorce. It turns out that she HATED my husband. She kept encouraging me to divorce him and spread rumors about him at work. Apparently she was talking about me, too, and spreading our personal problems to everyone we worked with. It made work very uncomfortable but she denied saying anything. She told me I shouldn't have told her any of my problems if I didn't want them to be known!

I ended up getting my own place and separating from my husband. I was very depressed and could hardly get out of bed. She was always mad at me for not “snapping out of it”. I eventually went to a doctor and got on anti-depressants and starting seeing a therapist, but she kept talking about me, saying that the anti-depressants weren’t good for me. She told me that I needed to convert to her religion to find happiness and get over the depression.

I agreed to go to church with her a few times but after a couple months decided it wasn't the place for me. When I began studying with a Rabbi she began saying horrible things about Jewish people and constantly told me how “sorry” she was that I was going to hell. I ended up moving out of state for a new job and to start a new life: I had planned to remain friends with her and talk to her from out of state.

Once I moved, she started sending me bible tracts and told me that Hebrew was a “bad language” to learn. Then I received an email with childish insults and name calling from both her and her husband. I just couldn't take it anymore and didn't want to fight, or call names so I just stop talking to her altogether. I deleted all the emails I got from her without ever reading them and changed my phone number.  Now she has befriended my mother on Facebook and constantly leaves my mom messages about how great she is. I feel like she's crossed the line by trying to be friends with my mom or she's displaying some passive aggressive behavior.

I feel a lot of guilt over this and feel like it is immature for me to stop being friends with someone. My life has improved A LOT since I stopped being friends with her and my self-esteem has climbed. Should I feel guilty over this? I feel like it is something that some middle school girls would do but I never imagined adults would stop speaking like this. Should I say something to her about being Facebook friends with my mom? Or do I just let this go?

Signed,
Unable to Let Go

ANSWER:

Dear Unable to Let Go,

I hope that by posting your dilemma on this blog and reading it in black-and-white, it helps clarify your answer to the question you posed: Should I just let this go? When other women write about their friendship dilemmas, the answers are often in shades of gray. This one isn’t.

It sounds like your ex-friend has been possessive, self-centered, negative and controlling from the time she was an adolescent and she still hasn’t outgrown it. While you tolerated her for some time, you and your husband appropriately decided to end the relationship. The same attitudes and behaviors you overlooked in middle school were less acceptable when you saw them appear in an adult.

Like most women, you tried to put a positive spin on your friendship when you attempted to renew it three years later. Then your friend began to encourage you to leave your husband, spread rumors about you and your husband to your colleagues, and betrayed confidences about you to people at work. I can’t help but think that she was alienating you from him and your co-workers so she could have you for herself again. Then she tried to dictate your religious beliefs and showed little sensitivity to or understanding of your values or emotions. Besides, people generally don’t “snap out” of a clinical depression.

Don’t you remember you changed your phone number to avoid contact wit her and even deleted her emails? Why would you ever feel guilty for cutting off a friendship like this one? You deserve so much better.

Why would you want to re-friend someone who has been such a negative influence? Yes, she crossed the line by trying to befriend your mom and there is no point in initiating contact with her over this. However, you should let your mother know how nasty your friend has been to you so she doesn’t get sucked in. The rules of friendship on Facebook are often pretty murky but I would think your mother wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with your ex-friend if she knew how much pain she had caused you.

Clearly, you are feeling happier and more self-confident since you broke off with her. Yet you are guilty and ashamed about separating from a long-time friend. You seem to be tied to they myth that “best friends are forever” but generally, this isn’t the case. Being able to let go, in this situation, wouldn’t be immature; in fact, it would be a sign of your maturity. You need to let go and move on. This woman sounds like a toxic friend.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

 

A few months ago I met a woman and her daughter at a children's event. We hit it off and even though her daughter is considerably younger than mine, we got together for a few playdates. The problem? She calls me everyday to complain about how hard it is to figure out naps and a feeding schedule for her daughter.

 

At first I didn't mind giving her advice, my daughter was nap resistant as well. But every day calls about the same subject is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to go off on her because her daughter doesn't even act out or cry despite being overtired.... she is very mellow.

 

Meanwhile, my daughter is hyperactive, I have an infant son and my husband has recently become unemployed. I think, 'How come I can cope with all of this without wallowing, but her life is comparatively easy and she can't even figure out a schedule for her child without daily support from me?'

 

She always says I'm one of her closest friends, that she appreciates me, values my advice, etc. I'm bewildered because we have only gotten together a few times.... and we've only known each other a few months? She has other friends, she apparently calls them for the same needs. She has even told me that one of her friends told her she is nuts, and doesn't want to talk about naps anymore. I don't feel very close to her, she is a bit abrasive and doesn't really comment when I talk about me (which is not very often). What I want is a very casual friendship with no more than one call a week and a get together every few weeks. What should I do?

 

Signed,
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

 

You answered your own question. You know what you want, a very casual relationship with someone who calls you no more than once a week and with whom you can get together every few weeks. You don't want a relationship with someone who is needy, self-centered, and demanding---and doesn't give you a chance to get a word in edge-wise.

 

Don't let yourself get sucked into this toxic friendship any deeper. You're obviously adept at making new friends. Go to another children's event and find another friend who better fits your own criteria and friendship needs.

 

In the meantime, do whatever you can to distance your relationship from this woman. Say you have to focus on your infant son and don't have time to talk on the phone much. Don't make any plans to meet with her. Tell her you are busy. With any luck, she'll hitch herself onto someone else's wagon.

 

My best,

Irene

One of the most popular posts on my blog has been one on the topic of needy friends. An anonymous poster recently wrote about her “friend,” whom her husband labels as an “emotional vampire” who is sucking away all her energy. Read on…

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

This site has been a real help to me. As a woman I think we gear ourselves to try and help those around us. I am in the middle of a relationship with a 'needy' friend.

Her husband is never good enough (tho he tries!) Always yelling at her children (tho they try!) and complaining to me all the while. The kind of person who ALWAYS asks for some sort of favor when you see them, childcare, to borrow stuff etc.. She asked if she could store around 2 bags of yarn in my garage and showed up with twenty 30-gallon garbage bags full.

It's causing stress between my husband and myself (we typically have a great relationship) and my children. If I don't answer her phone calls (there are MANY during the day) she usually shows up at my house. My husband calls her an emotional vampire who is sucking all my energy away. I have started saying no to her (the last favor she asked of me, when I said I didn't have time she started to yell!) but I stuck to it and will try to continue to do so. It's hard though- because I have to see her at the kids school- but I just need to stay strong and do what's best for my family first.

Signed,
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi:

You haven’t expressed anything positive about your friendship with her but even assuming there is, it sounds like you need to set some boundaries and stick to them! It's great that you recognize your own priorities and there's nothing wrong with telling her that you like your privacy and feel uncomfortable when anyone pops in unexpected. Multiple phone calls are too much if you feel like they are too much.

I understand the potential discomfort of bumping into her at your kids' school but if you handle it calmly and graciously, without attacking or blaming her, you'll establish some needed distance. On the other hand, she sounds so self-centered that she might not even notice the change in her relationship with you and will decide to pounce on easier prey.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Best,

Irene