research

Many women write to me perplexed about why they can't form close friendships. They try new approaches, put themselves in all the right places, see therapists, and read relevant self-help books. They consider themselves interesting, loyal, kind, and friend-worthy people. But for reasons unknown to them, they have a tough time forming the intimate relationships other women seem to have and that they covet for themselves. Many admit to not having even one close friend.

 

A recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology offers some clues as to how both nature (personality) and nurture (experience) impact our friendships. Researchers at the University of Virginia and University of Toronto, Mississauga studied more than 7000 American adults between the ages of 20 and 75 over a period of ten years, looking at the number of times these adults moved during childhood. Their study, like prior ones, showed a link between "residential mobility" and adult well-being: The more times participants moved as children, the poorer the quality of their adult social relationships.

 

But digging deeper, the researchers found that personality---specifically being introverted or extroverted ---could either intensify or buffer the effect of moving to a new town or neighborhood during childhood. The negative impact of more moves during childhood was far greater for introverts compared to extroverts.

 

"Moving a lot makes it difficult for people to maintain long-term close relationships," stated Dr. Shigehiro Oishi, the first author of the study, in a press release from the American Psychological Association, "This might not be a serious problem for outgoing people who can make friends quickly and easily. Less outgoing people have a harder time making new friends."

 

Families often have to relocate---across town, across the country, or across the globe. Yet, in many cases, their kids and young adolescents haven't yet built up a bank of friendships or garnered sufficient experience at making new friends and at handling rejection. So the conventional wisdom is to try to minimize moves for the sake of your child, whenever possible, and to move at the end of the academic year. Additionally, parents are advised to monitor and, if necessary, help guide their children's friendships during the first academic year after a move, which generally is the most difficult.

 

Moves during childhood affected adult friendships differently because of the unique interplay between nature (personality type, which is determined in part by genes) and nurture (in this case, the moves) for different individuals. That makes the answer to the question of why some women are more successful than others in making friends extremely complex. And this study raises the question of how many other factors come into play that we haven't even yet considered.

The latest issue of NYU News and Views includes an article about my survey research on female friendship.

 

Women are told from the time they're little girls that best friends are for life, and that one friend-just one-will become their closest confidante, their bosom buddy. But it's not necessarily so, and when a friendship fails, the wound can be deep and slow to heal. "A broken friendship is a taboo subject that women don't usually talk about," explains Irene Levine, PhD, clinical professor of psychiatry. "It's embarrassing and associated with stigma. We don't even have a vocabulary for why friendships fall apart or a roadmap for what happens when they do."

 

With few coping strategies available, Dr. Levine did her own research in the hope of finding valuable insights. She conducted an online qualitative survey, posing open-ended questions to more than 1,500 females, ages 7 to 70. The results astounded her. "Once I guaranteed anonymity," she says, "women really poured out their hearts. Older women described friendships that fell apart 20 years ago, and the pain they still felt was intensely strong."

 

The book spawned by her research, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Overlook Press, 2009), offers advice on a host of topics, including how to recognize signs of trouble, how to detach from a "toxic friend," when to sever ties, and how to face facts and move on. These lessons hit home. "I wish that I had let go of toxic friendships and focused on those that are mutually rewarding earlier in my own life," confides Dr. Levine.

 

Click here to read the rest of the article...

 

 

 

Recently, there were two chilling news reports of older women, one who had been living in New York and another in South Carolina, who died alone in their homes---without anyone knowing. Hearing the circumstances, I couldn't help but wonder whether their lives had been cut short because they had no friends to buoy their spirits or to help them manage their lives. A 10-year study of people over the age of 70 in Australia suggests that this might be the case. The researchers found that friends are more important than family in conferring longevity, and that people with an extensive network of good friends outlive those with the fewest friends by 22 percent.

 

These are the two stories in brief: Jane Wild, a 78-year-old retired schoolteacher, was found dead on February 4th in a bathroom on the second floor of her home in Chappaqua, New York, an upscale hamlet of 6500 households. Describing her as a recluse, the police thought she might have been dead for at least six months when they found her. Wild's mailbox was stuffed and her utilities had already been turned off. But no one knew she had died until her attorney tried to reach her, unsuccessfully, and notified the police. "It's just sad she died by herself and that nobody even missed her enough to call about checking on her," said Detective Sgt. James Wilson of the New Castle Police who are still searching for next of kin.

 

This week, some 800 miles away, Juanita Goggins, 75, also a former schoolteacher, who earned the distinction of becoming the first black woman elected to the South Carolina Legislature in 1974, was found frozen to death at home. Born to sharecroppers, Goggins also became the first black female to be appointed to the U.S. Civil Rights Commission. Her landlord had noticed that the lights in her house, which was only four miles from the State capitol, hadn't been turned on for a couple of weeks. She, too, was described as a loner. Her son said that his mother suffered from an undiagnosed mental disorder for the last decade of her life and refused any help from family or neighbors. Neither Wild nor Goggins appear to have been indigent.

 

Unfortunately, many older people lead isolated lives for a variety of reasons: physical, emotional, and situational. One report estimated that as many as two million of the nine million Americans over the age of 65 who live alone say they have no one to turn to for help. There are no simple answers and, hopefully, more will be learned about the lives and deaths of these two women. Yet, we often don't take notice of the person who lives alone in the apartment or house next door. It's natural to feel awkward about intruding into someone else's space but perhaps stories like this will inspire individuals and communities to think twice.

 

For discussion: Could you live without friends?

Having a close friend or two to talk to---someone on whom you can depend for emotional support---can be great when little things accumulate or you temporarily feel down in the dumps. But can a friend talk you out of depression or lessen its pernicious effects? A study recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry examined the viability of "befriending" as a tool in the treatment of emotional distress and depressive symptoms. The findings suggest that friendships, even therapeutic ones, aren't necessarily substitutes for good treatment.

 

Keep in mind the researchers weren't talking either about the garden variety of befriending (a term that has become common parlance among Facebook or Twitter users) or about a mild case of the blues. For the purposes of their study, the team of primary care researchers at the University of Manchester, Manchester, UK defined "befriending" as social support that was "initiated, supported and monitored by an agency" expressly for one or more parties to benefit. It was, by definition, a treatment for depression or emotional distress that was "non-judgmental, mutual and purposeful."

 

The meta-analysis (a systematic statistical analysis) looked at more than 24 studies that covered a wide range of depressed populations, including caregivers of individuals with dementia, adolescents, lonely widows, men with prostate cancer, and pregnant women. The frequency of befriending varied among the studies as well as the ways in which the befriending took place. Some contacts were made face-to-face, others were by telephone, and some were a combination of both. Befriending was delivered both by trained and untrained volunteers.

 

The researchers found that the befriending intervention was less effective than cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in adolescents with depression and in medication-resistant individuals with schizophrenia. It was also less effective than nurse cognitive-behavioral problem solving in caregivers of people with dementia. It was similar in effectiveness to a nurse education and self-efficacy intervention in older adults recovering from myocardial infarction, to local community support groups for new inner-city mothers, and to systemic family therapy in depressed adolescents.

 

Based on their data, the researchers were unable to conclude that "befriending" is an effective, evidence-based treatment. Instead, they suggested that more rigorous study was needed to compare "befriending" head-to-head with standard treatments (such as CBT and medication), and that individual preferences should be considered in determining what works, for whom, and under what circumstances. This study relied on meta-analytic techniques to look at the friendship question but it would be worthwhile for researchers to design more large studies that look closely at whether and how friendships can alter the course and outcomes of various types of depression.

 

The conventional wisdom is that the presence of social supports can serve as a buffer against depression. Sounds logical enough: Friendships offer an outlet for people to express their emotions, to put things into perspective, to feel less alone, to reduce stress, and to encourage someone who's feeling distressed to seek out professional help when needed. But people with severe depression often have a hard time reaching out to anyone and it is often equally difficult for friends, even very good ones, to know what to do to help them recover. There's a lot more to learn.

 

Source:

Effects of befriending on depressive symptoms and distress: systematic review and meta-analysis

Nicola Mead, PhD, Helen Lester, MB, ChB, MD, FRCGP, Carolyn Chew-Graham, MB, ChB, MD, FRCGP and Linda Gask, PhD, FRCPsych, NIHR School for Primary Care Research, University of Manchester
Peter Bower, PhD, National Primary Care Research and Development Centre, University of Manchester, Manchester, UK

The British Journal of Psychiatry (2010) 196: 96-101. doi: 10.1192/bjp.bp.109.064089

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How to Help a Friend or Relative Who is Depressed (From the NIMH)

If you know someone who is depressed, it affects you too. The first and most important thing you can do to help a friend or relative who has depression is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. You may need to make an appointment on behalf of your friend or relative and go with him or her to see the doctor. Encourage him or her to stay in treatment, or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs after six to eight weeks.

To help a friend or relative:

• Offer emotional support, understanding, patience and encouragement.
• Engage your friend or relative in conversation, and listen carefully.
• Never disparage feelings your friend or relative expresses, but point out realities and offer hope.
• Never ignore comments about suicide, and report them to your friend's or relative's therapist or doctor.
• Invite your friend or relative out for walks, outings and other activities. Keep trying if he or she declines, but don't push him or her to take on too much too soon. Although diversions and company are needed, too many demands may increase feelings of failure.
• Remind your friend or relative that with time and treatment, the depression will lift.

Facts about Major Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), major depression is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person's ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities. An episode may occur only once in a person's lifetime, but more often, it recurs throughout a person's life. , It is estimated to affect 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.

 

It doesn't surprise me that all the women I know are crazy about the new TNT series, Men of A Certain Age (Mondays 10PM/9c). The groundbreaking dramedy explores the bonds of late-middle-age male friendships as portrayed by three talented amigos: Ray Romano, Scott Bakula, Andre Braugher. What women love most about this show is that we finally get a glimpse of male friendships that resemble our own!

 

Joe (Romano) is the neurotic, recently separated, owner of a party story who is living in a hotel after having left his wife and two kids. Terry (Bakula) is a free wheeling spirit, an aging actor and yoga instructor, who has seemingly mastered the single life-for better and for worse. Owen (Braugher) is a stressed, overweight, and underpaid family man with diabetes who works in a car dealership owned by his despot father. Defying the stereotypes of male friendships, these men have figured out a way to maintain a tight threesome since their college days that continues to enrich each of their lives.

 

Conventional wisdom has it that male and female friendships are distinctly different; this truism is based on the convergence of decades of anthropological, psychological and sociological research. While there are some notable exceptions, overall, women are more likely than men to surround themselves with "best friends" with whom they can share their lives and feelings. Men, on the other hand, have fewer close friends; they are more likely to hang out with large groups of acquaintances or to become social isolates or appendages to women.

 

Women are happy just BEING together, having time to talk and share feelings. Men enjoy DOING things together-whether it's playing golf, watching a baseball game, or taking a hike. For this reason, female friendships have typically been described as face-to-face while their male counterparts have been characterized as side-to-side. Such distinctions based on gender are deeply ingrained and may even be genetic. A study of infants found that baby girls are far more likely to pay attention to facial expressions than are baby boys, suggesting that females may be more in tune with feelings and emotions from birth. As youngsters, boys tend to play in groups while women prefer best friend relationships.

 

Which brings us back to the show: The protagonists are three 40-something men who have maintained a remarkable friendship despite their lives veering off in different directions. Much of the dialogue takes place across the table in a local diner where they banter over coffee about the challenges they are facing in adjusting to change. They do it in a way that is both highly intelligent and highly relatable.

 

What is it about the bonds of these Men of A Certain Age that resonates with women?

1) While their personalities and life situations are different from one another, the men haven't lost sight that their friendship is based on their shared history (which counts for a lot), and the commonalities and core values they share as men and as human beings.

2) Even though there are signs of a technological revolution all around them, these men recognize the importance of "face time." They regularly get together for meals so they can talk and remain current with each other's lives. When Joe observes his teenage children texting, it's clear that cell phones and the Internet are still a bit of an anathema to him.

3) Just like women who freely talk about their bodies, internal secretions, and itchy parts, the "boys" are comfortable sharing uncomfortable intimacies with one another. In the last episode, Joe talked candidly about his insecurities in making love with another woman for the first time after being separated from his wife.

4) The men have come to realize that neither they, as individuals, nor their friendships are perfect. Each man has his peccadilloes. For example, Joe has a gambling habit that's caused him a lot of problems. While his buddies are aware of it and occasionally remind him that he needs to get it under control, they accept him as he is without judging him too harshly.

5) Even with the confines of a show that lasts but one hour each week (wish it were more), the men always have time to laugh. Despite economic pressures, periodic lapses in self-confidence, problems achieving balance between work and life, and coping with a stable of unstable relationships, they make time to kick back and enjoy themselves.

 

Whether you're male or female, of a certain age or not, you'll find yourself laughing with or cringing at their antics, recognizing once again the vital importance of friendship and wishing there were more characters like these guys.

It's easy to get caught up in gossip. A friend or colleague starts talking about someone you both know. She lays out some juicy information you haven't heard before, almost baiting you to chime in. Whether it's true or not, you reflexively up the ante by spilling a rumor you recently heard about that person, too. Later, you wonder why you responded that way or even regret that you got sucked into the conversation.

 

To some extent, it's human nature to talk about mutual acquaintances and most chitchat is innocuous. When two friends pass along information about other people within the context of a confidential, trusting relationship, it gives them a chance to vent and, perhaps, even to avoid and work out problems.

 

However, pleasant chitchat morphs into nasty gossip when it's characterized by critical comments that are unnecessary and, perhaps, untrue---uttered or whispered behind someone's back for no good reason. Spreading rumors and making innuendos can be hurtful and destructive, reflecting poorly not only on the target but also on the purveyor. Yet, because the temptation is strong, especially in the workplace, people are commonly placed in the uncomfortable position of listening to or engaging in gossip, feeling awkward but not knowing what to do.

 

A study by sociologists Tim Hallett, Donna Eder, and Brent Harger of Indiana University, published in the October issue of the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, hints at some ways to redirect negative gossip. While it wasn't the researchers' intent at the onset of their study, they wound up videotaping 25 incidences of gossip that cropped up in their recordings of 13 teacher-led formal staff meetings, which were each about 40 minutes long.

 

The meetings took place over two years during a difficult managerial transition at the school, offering a unique laboratory to examine "gossip" systematically. The researchers found that negative gossip can be "subtly derailed" in three ways: by changing the subject, by targeting someone else, and by pre-empting criticism with positive comments.

 

When people are jockeying for positions and power, being able to broker "inside" information can offer an employee a valuable edge. However, the use of gossip comes with a price. If a woman or a group becomes the target of unflattering or untrue gossip, or gets a reputation for trafficking in gossip, it can derail careers and poison the work environment.

 

Thus, managers need to find ways to promote informal communication while minimizing destructive gossip and knife-in-the-back criticism that impairs relationships, lowers morale, and decreases productivity. These outcomes can be averted if appropriate avenues are provided so employees can informally discuss work and relationship problems with their supervisors and amongst colleagues.

 

So back to friendship: Next time you find yourself in a group of gossips, you don't have to passively accept it. You can use some of the simple techniques described above to seize control of the conversation and curb potentially hurtful gossip. Have any other ideas of your own?

 

In my experience, whatever the problem, giving it a name is a first step in solving it. That’s why I was pleased that Merriam-Webster included the word “fren-e-my” (plural: fren-e-mies) in the list of 100 new words it announced today that were added to the Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition.

The term frenemy, seamlessly blending the words fri(end) and enemy, refers to someone who pretends to be a friend but actually is an enemy---a proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing in the world of friendships. If you think about it, most of us have had a frenemy at one time of another, either at school, at work, or lurking in our neighborhood.

She (or he) is likely to be a friend who is filled with ambivalence and jealousy. She admires you and wants to be close but feels like she can’t hold a candle to you because (she thinks) you’re smarter, thinner, richer, or more successful. Ostensibly, she is a friend---but her covert hostility is an attempt to kick you down a notch and put you in your place. For example, she might be the master of the backhanded compliment who says something like, “You have such a pretty face. If you lost twenty pounds, you would really be attractive.”

"You know a friend is really a frenemy if she brings out the worst in you and leaves you feeling drained,” say Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler, co-authors of Friend or Frenemy?. “A sure sign you have a frenemy is when that person cancels plans with you, you're relieved instead of disappointed."

While most research on friendship and health has focused on the positive relationship between the two, a frenemy is a potential source of irritation and stress. One study by psychologist Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that unpredictable love-hate relationships characterized by ambivalence can lead to elevations in blood pressure. In a previous study, the same researcher found that blood pressure is higher around friends for whom we have mixed feelings than it is when we’re around people whom we clearly dislike.

The term frenemy has been around for a while, reportedly coined by a sister of author and journalist Jessica Mitford in 1977, and popularized more than twenty years later on the third season of Sex and the City. But like “staycation, “earmark” and “physiatry” it was never legitimized by an entry in the dictionary. Now that it has been, assess that friendship that has always made you feel queasy and uncomfortable and give it a name. Then you’ll realize it’s time to let go or to find a way to fix it.

If you need one more shred of evidence of the gender differences in interpersonal relationships, you’ll find it in a short piece by Alex Mindlin buried in the Business Section of this morning’s New York Times. When it comes to customer loyalty, women aren’t necessarily more loyal than men; it’s just that their loyalties take a different form.

In a series of studies reported in the July 2009 Journal of Marketing, researchers from the Netherlands found that female consumer loyalties are more intimate and personal. For example, women are fiercely loyal to a particular hair stylist rather than to a salon, or to a particular doctor rather than to a clinic or hospital. If you are one of the women, like many, who feel like your hairdresser understands you (and your hair), this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

“Women tend to view themselves as being connected with and dependent on a few specific individual others. In contrast, men tend to view themselves as being connected with and dependent on larger groups of people and organizations,” write the marketing professors.

Their targeted advice for the ad world: “Because individual relationships are more important to women, they are more likely to develop loyal customer relationships with individual service providers. Conversely, men find group relationships important and are more likely to develop loyal customer relationships with firms and organizations.” Thus, advertising strategies focused on personal relationships are more likely to be effective with women.

If we extrapolate these results to our friendships, it reinforces what we already know. In general, female relationships tend to be characterized by greater intimacy (and a different kind of loyalty) than those of men.

An article in New York Daily News today had a catchy headline that attracted my attention. It read: Women who gossip can live a happy and healthier life, study finds.

Every blogger is acutely aware that, regardless of content, the title of a post strongly influences whether or not a post will be read. To be honest, I wish I were better at composing titles for my own blog. Even the title of this one isn’t very good. However, the Daily News title really irked and insulted me. Why? First, it implies that all talk among women is gossip. Second, the study had nothing to do with gossip, as it is conventionally defined. Here's the real story: 

In the June issue of Hormones and Behavior, assistant professor of internal medicine Stephanie Brown of the University of Michigan Medical School reported on a study that found that women who bonded together emotionally had higher levels of the hormone progesterone than those with more tenuous ties.

While a number of prior studies have linked strong social supports to better health outcomes, the underlying basis for this connection hasn’t been clear. This new study suggests that a hormone associated with social bonding, specifically progesterone, may play a role in protecting women’s health and enhancing their longevity.

 

Read more about the study in ScienceDaily.com/

The emotional fallout of Susan Boyle’s unexpected and disappointing defeat on Saturday night was clearly devastating. The front-runner failed to take first place on the finale of Britain’s Got Talent, losing to a teenage dance group called Diversity. It’s hard to imagine how this somewhat shy and private middle-aged woman must have felt to have been suddenly catapulted into celebrity status and then knocked down, with 19 million viewers watching the debacle on TV. On stage, she handled the loss with grace but there were rumors of a series of backstage tantrums and cursing in response to the intense pressures she experienced as part of the competition.

According to media reports, one night later, Ms. Boyle had to be taken by ambulance from her hotel room to a London mental hospital run by the Priory Group. Under the Mental Health Act of 1983, someone in the UK can be detained for a maximum of 72 hours until that individual can be examined and treated by mental health professionals. But before any assessment could have taken place, there were media reports that hinted that Boyle was suffering from “mental exhaustion” and a “nervous breakdown.” If she is diagnosed with a mental disorder, this wouldn’t be surprising given the enormous amount of stress to which she was subjected.

To me, that Susan Boyle’s emotional unraveling immediately became fodder for the media is a far greater loss than coming in second in the competition. She involuntarily lost her right to privacy and while pundits were previously preoccupied with her appearance and dress, now there will be relentless questions and conjecture about her mental status, before and subsequent to her achieving the status of celebrity.

Despite decades of brain research that has proven that mental disorders are no-fault illnesses, the stigma associated with these disorders still remains pervasive. When someone is diagnosed with cancer or heart disease, people rally around the individual. When someone experiences the symptoms of an emotional disorder, their friends and opportunities for the future seem to disappear in tandem.

We can only hope that the entertainment handlers and the public who warmly embraced Ms. Boyle, an ordinary woman with exceptional talent, will continue to back her. She needs friendship and support more than ever before. Handled well, this can be a teachable moment for us all.

 

Do you have a friend with a mental disorder who needs information and/or support? Contact the NAMI helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI.