relationships

No relationship is ever perfect, including our friendships. But if you're reading this, I'm sure you agree that warm and trusting friendships are vital to our happiness and well-being---despite their occasional disappointments and confusing moments.

To help you avoid the potential landmines and answer the hard questions that are bound to crop up in any friendship, enter your email address in the box to your right to receive free weekly email updates with links to my latest posts.

The Friendship Blog will continue to offer useful information, advice, and inspiration---and I hope that you will continue to participate in the dialogue. Please tell your friends and pass this opportunity on to them!

Best,

Dr. Irene S. Levine
The Friendship Doctor on The Huffington Post and Psychology Today

 

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On a beautiful Sunday autumn afternoon more than a year ago, my husband and I attended a Harvest Festival at a local winery not too far from where we live. We didn't know anyone else there and wound up sitting next to a lovely couple, who seemed to be enjoying the day as much as we were.

 

Over a couple of glasses of wine, the woman and I connected and we subsequently began following each other's blogs. Hers is called Killin' time being lazy ---but my winery friend is far from lazy! Rather, she is quite contemplative and thoughtful.

 

Although I only have scant memories of the delicious wine we tasted that day, I still feel a connection with Lazygal even though I don't know her well. She's a librarian and an avid reader. I loved her latest post because it illustrates how old friends serve as mirrors, helping us see ourselves in new ways. I asked Lazygal whether she might share her musings with my blog readers. So here you go....

 

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This past weekend I spent all too short an amount of time with people I've known and come to love over the past 30 years: my prep school classmates. Back then, we were 105 disparate girls - some I liked, some not so much, some puzzled me, and some became close friends. In the intervening years we've become a real family. Like any family, we have our moments (come to think of it, back then we had our moments, too; the four-day battle over Spring Senior Dinner dessert comes to mind). But like any family, I know they're there for me.

 

One of them now works at the school. In an almost accidental fashion, at our 25th she started a conversation that was so intense, so powerful that many of us wished it could have gone on longer, and absolutely knew that we wanted to revisit at our 30th. This time it was no accident, but once again it was too short. The depth of sharing was incredible - each time, you could see that moment when the speaker decided that yes, in this group, with these people, it was ok to say these things. Some had such powerful stories it brought tears to our eyes, some talked about day-to-day frustrations with choices (or lack of choices); no matter what the tale, the sense that in that circle we were safe and with family helped us talk about things we may never have shared with anyone before. Friends, family, marriage, careers, and health... all those themes ran through each of our "updates".

 

At far too late an hour I retreated to my very small dorm room (seriously? did I ever live in such a tiny space?), my mind racing ahead five years to our 35th. What could I say to these women, these sisters, then? Not in one of those competitive ways - my path is one that none of the others have taken, although we've all, in one way or another, reached similar milestones. I wouldn't want to live their lives and they wouldn't want to live mine! But I think each of us laid out challenges for ourselves: a better, stronger, or new marriage/relationship... finding a way through those difficult parent/teenage child years... exploring what's next career-wise... coping with parental health (as one said "I'm the ham in the sandwich")... dealing with our own health issues.

 

In five years, I want to be able to report better health. To be doing work I'm proud of, in a place I feel valued. To finally get over my speech impediment and say "no" in ways that are heard. To spend more time doing things I truly enjoy with people I truly love, and forging deeper connections to those that are important to me.

 

Does that sound Stalinesque, having a five-year plan? I know it'll be no Sherman's march on Atlanta - it'll be a drunkard's stumble home. Stay tuned.

The role of being a stepparent can be challenging. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.

 

Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent?

It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly with a birth parent a little easier for everyone.

If there is animosity, however, or potential for one parent to be manipulating another then it is a slippery slope. Being "friends" and being "friendly" are quite different. Friends also have the potential to get in arguments more than those who are simply friendly to one another. The problem with arguing with a friend about something unrelated to your stepparenting role is that it will probably take a toll on your relationship as parent/stepparent, and that is a relationship you really need to protect for the sake of the child. So, you might want to keep it "friendly", and not become BFFs until the child is old enough to be out of the house and on his or her own!

 

Can a stepparent be a friend with and adolescent or adult child?

Adult, potentially - If you became the stepparent to child who is already a mature adult, you may be more of a friend figure anyway. You are not going to be disciplining your stepchild, or making major life decisions for her so having more of a friendship won't confuse the adult stepchild.

It could still get hairy, however, if you have an argument with your stepchild since you can't really cut ties if necessary. Your stepchild will be your stepchild whether or not you are friends. You don't want an argument that could potentially disrupt your family unit in anyway, so you would still have to proceed in friendship with that in mind.

As far as boundaries go, telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets is out the window - unless you don't mind your spouse finding out and your stepchild doesn't mind risking her parent finding out! Keep in mind, your friend might be interested in intimate details about your relationship with your partner - your stepchild probably isn't!! As far as a friendship, proceed with caution and be aware of the dangers and boundaries.

Friends with your adolescent stepchild? No way. You are a parental figure. Adolescents need guidance and to know that they are safe when in your care. They don't need adult friendships from stepparents; they need strong supportive adults!

 

What are some of the landmines a stepparent faces with her stepchild's friends' parents who were friends of the birth mother?

The possibilities are daunting: She may have aired all your dirty laundry and then some to the other parents. The other parents might want to be gossipy and get you talking about the birth mother. The other parents may have chosen "a side" without even hearing your side.

The best thing to do in this situation is remain courteous, don't bad mouth the birth mother, and appreciate that these folks have a history with her, and to them you are "new" or "an outsider". Keep in mind, this is probably less about them not liking you and more about them feeling loyalty to the birth mother. If you act respectfully people will form their own opinions (it may take a LONG time) and eventually realize that you are just fine!

 

Any other thoughts about friendship and stepparenting, Erin?

Friendship is tough, at times, no matter how great the friendship. People go through different stages in life that can really throw a wrench into a friendship. I have always been friendly with my stepson's birth mother - not friends - but I would say we have grown a bit closer since I had my own son, and my stepson is away at college. We recently took pictures of my son and her daughter (my stepson's half siblings) together in their Halloween costumes as a surprise for him. So although we won't be hanging out with one another or chatting on the phone, we love my stepson enough to put our differences aside to assure that he feels that he has a loving family to come home to no matter which house he stays in!

 

Erin Munroe is a licensed mental health counselor, school adjustment counselor, school guidance counselor, and proud stepmother of her nineteen-year-old stepson. She lives in Braintree, Massachusetts and completed her MA in behavioral medicine and mental health counseling from Boston University School of Medicine. She currently works for the Boston Public Schools and holds a part-time position at a confidential teen-clinic, where she provides counseling to at-risk adolescents.

 

* DISCLOSURE: The Friendship Doctor (me) served as a technical reviewer for Erin's book, which I thought was extremely practical and thorough!

If these women were on reality TV, they would surely be cast as The Real Housewives of Jericho. This feisty circle of friends includes six accomplished, attractive, 40-something mothers who initially met through their children.

They jokingly call themselves The Vuvs, elaborating on a word one of them conjured up as a little girl because she couldn’t say the word “vagina.” They’re so close that they even share secrets like that one.

They live in walking distance of one another in suburban Jericho, New York, five of them within the same 800-home community. All but one is Jewish but she has an interfaith marriage. Coincidentally or providentially, each of them has two children between the ages of 8 and 15. A few of them have aging parents who reside in the same condo development in Florida.

Most noteworthy: For the past 8 years, these women have shared a special bond, being each other’s greatest cheerleaders and supporters. They get together as twosomes, threesomes, and as a sextet. With their spouses and kids, the group of 24 has vacationed together in places as far-flung as Mexico and Costa Rica and they seem to never tire of their sisterhood.

“I speak to at least three of them a day,” says Leslie Adler, 43, the “mother bear” of The Vuv Club. The Brooklyn-born, mother of two straddles two worlds. She’s an attorney by day for a large accounting firm, and moonlights as a blogger on MomLogic, and More.com and on her own sassy blog, The Vuv Club, using her life, family, career and friendships for blog fodder. When you read her posts, you can’t help but wish you had a sisterhood like hers.

What holds the group of besties together? Either she doesn’t know or she isn’t telling. Adler compares the recipe to that of a “Big Mac.” In terms of their personalities, they are distinct individuals rather than clones of one another but there is something about the mix works; they complement each in different ways. Each woman has a distinct network of friends and acquaintances that extend beyond the circle, but the circle is the “home base” to which they always return.

Adler says the group really coalesced when her husband, Eric, was diagnosed with testicular cancer (he’s now recovered). “When Eric was sick, we were all sick,” says Adler. Her friends arranged for meals and helped them get to treatments. On the couples’ 15th anniversary, when Adler couldn’t even think about leaving the house, The Vuvs stepped in and arranged for a limo to take them to a surprise celebratory dinner at Il Mulino in Manhasset. “That really raised the bar in terms of our friendship,” she says.

The women share laughter and sorrows, they celebrate each other’s milestones and accomplishments, and they’ve helped each other cope with job losses and death. If a problem arises for one, they call an emergency dinner to brainstorm solutions together. “We talk each other down from ledges,” says Adler. “Being part of something feels great.”

Do you have a circle of friends, wish you had one, or do you prefer having discrete relationships with best friends?

 

A version of this post also appears on The Huffington Post.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I’m an award-winning author with a friendship dilemma. A long time friend has definitely hurt my feelings. She told one of my clients whose memoir I’m writing that she’d Googled my agent and that he was basically a “nobody,” casting doubts upon my agent’s ability to broker a deal on his book and the likeliness of film rights.

It sowed seeds of doubt with my client and caused me a lot of unnecessary time trying to defend my agent who is actually one of the most powerful in the business. In fact, he doesn’t have a website and intentionally keeps a low profile because he’s exclusive and takes on new authors by referral only.

She also told my client that I’m “just a ghost writer,” which is not an accurate account of my abilities and I felt it was said in a disparaging manner and insinuated that she doubted I could pull off a project of this scope. My dilemma is whether or not to send her the note setting the record straight, along with a list of my agent’s top-tier clients.

I am hurt and astonished by her behavior. Should I confront her, or do as my husband counsels and simply have the revenge of a bestseller and boatloads of money from film rights. What are your thoughts? I’m feeling blue, fatigued and having a hard time jumping back into my assignments after this disappointment.

I haven’t responded to her latest email which is all chatty and thanking me for recommending a good book doctor for her manuscript. I don’t have it in me today.

Signed,
Kaila

ANSWER:

Dear Kaila,

I can well understand your feelings of hurt and disappointment. It’s sad when a friend has to tear you down to build herself up. Your “friend” has undermined you with your client, either because she is competitive and envious of your success or because she is clueless and has bad judgment. In either case, you have a friendship problem.

I think that this one will be hard, if not impossible, to remedy. If her envy is the problem, that is something SHE can work on but there isn’t much you can do yourself to make her less envious of you. If she has bad judgment and loose lips, can you trust her enough to involve her or even let her know about your business dealings in the future?

It’s absolutely necessary for you to educate your client about your confidence in your agent---and you’ve learned an important lesson about your friend. You have the choice of cutting her off from you completely or trying to redefine the relationship by setting clear boundaries about what you can comfortably tell her and what you can’t. Perhaps, you need to stay clear of any discussions about your work. But squelching communication about such an important element of your life may doom the friendship. The ball is in your court. Whether your friendship survives this betrayal will be determined by the strength of your ties to one another and how meaningful this friendship is to you overall.

Best of luck with your book!

Sincerely,
Irene

 

Do you have a friendship dilemma that you would like advice about? Use the contact tab above to send your question to me. I try to respond to as many queries as possible; you need not use your real name. If it is bothering you, you can bet that someone else is having similar problems.

 

 

Any major life change--including an unexpected job loss or other threat to economic security--can increase the risk of a once-close friendship falling apart. As such, the global recession is challenging untold numbers of female friendships. In the first of a two-part series, I interviewed journalist Emma Johnson, who covers money and finance topics for MSN.com and other national publications, to find out her thoughts on this topic:

 

In the current economic climate, where job loss is rife, how can getting a pink slip or being furloughed challenge friendships?

Women can be very competitive with each other. Traditionally women have competed for male attention and loyalty. The species depended upon it. The more women's sexual partners were loyal to them, the better off the women and their children would be since men were the breadwinners and women had few economic opportunities.

But the game is different today. We compete in other areas of our lives, including professionally. Even if we aren't in direct professional competition with our girlfriends, that rivalry can still be there. Of course it isn't always the case, but it often is, and worst of all, most of the time we don't realize it.

So if two friends are engaged in even a friendly contest about who's ahead in her career, a layoff can give the other woman the edge in this unspoken game. That can create resentment from the unemployed party--who is already distraught about her new economic situation.

 

How can women minimize the risk of losing their friendships if one friend is spiraling downward economically?

I'm a big fan of talking it out, though all the psychology experts don't agree with that. If the employed friend can say, "I'm so sorry you are going through this. What can I do to be supportive?" Then, give her friend some time to think about what she needs; that can go a long way. Likewise, the unemployed friend might need to talk to her friend and say, "I'm really worried about money right now. Would you mind if we find some less expensive ways to spend time together until I get back on my feet?"

There are other things to think about. Unemployment and financial worries are top factors in stress, sleep loss and depression, which can take a big toll on one's overall well-being, including their relationships. If everyone is aware of the realities of the situation, tough times can strengthen friendships. But the working friend needs to be willing to be supportive, and sometimes the friend in the tough situation needs to allow themselves to be vulnerable and cared for.

To be continued...

Emma Johnson is a New York journalist who writes about business, finance and money topics for publications including the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Entrepreneur and Psychology Today. Her series on MSN  Money, "Jump Start Your Life," explores money topics for people in their 20s and 30s. 

*A version of this post appears on The Huffington Post

 

Why would a middle-aged woman not be able to keep a friend?

Read my latest reader query on that topic on The Huffington Post.

The last time I heard the words "Blue Christmas," they were crooned by Elvis. This morning, my local paper ran an article by religion writer Gary Stern noting that two churches in Westchester County, New York, are holding special "Blue Christmas" services for people who are "sad, angry, depressed, lonely, melancholy or uncertain. "

Churches around the nation have been doing the same for more than a decade, traditionally scheduling these services on the day with the least amount of light; this year, the winter solstice falls on Sunday, December 21. The services are often somber and ecumenical, using candles to acknowledge that many are experiencing pain, loneliness, or grief.

Unfortunately, we all know at least one person who'll be experiencing a Blue Christmas this time around. The economic turndown has resulted in lost jobs, lost homes, increased costs, and for many, a looming sense of financial uncertainty. This month alone, the pending collapse of the Big Three Automakers and the mind-boggling Madoff affair were the icing on the cake of financial despair.

With government cutbacks, gaps in the health and social welfare systems have become gaping holes. And people are still reeling from the tragic costs, both human and economic, of the war in Iraq and from a string of man-made and natural disasters that caused senseless death and destruction.

If you know someone who is likely to feel blue over the holidays, be sensitive and don't overdo the merriment and good cheer. Figure out which friends, relatives, or neighbors you can help and what you can do. Sometimes even a "Hi, I'm thinking of you" phone call helps. Reminding them they aren't alone may be all they need to get over this holiday hump.

Listen to Blue Christmas on YouTube

However and wherever you live, the effects of the economic downturn have been pervasive, leaving few of us unscathed. They're even affecting our friendships!

 

With the cost of entertainment, transportation and meals skyrocketing, there's a natural tendency to hunker down, cocoon at home, and reduce spending. "In times like this, everyone is looking for ways to save," says Jo Gartin, a celebrity party planner and author of Jo Gartin's Weddings. "For many, that means bringing entertaining inside the home."

 

See my blog post on the effects of the recession on Girls' Nights Out in The Huffington Post.

In an interesting article in yesterday’s Staten Island Advance, relationship columnist Elise McIntosh looks at the distinctions between friends and frenemies.

 

She interviewed the authors of the new book Friend or Frenemy: A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don’t (Harper 2008) by co-authors Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler (discussed in a previous blog post here) and also solicited my thoughts about these ambivalent relationships.

 

McIntosh notes that most people have someone in their lives “who falls in-between a true-blue pal and full-fledged foe.” These are the women with whom we’re ostensibly “friends” but who are very unsettling to be with for a variety of reasons.

 

What do you think of the term frenemy? Is it helpful to have a word that allows us to better identify, talk about, and resolve these challenging relationships?