reciprocity

QUESTION

Hello,

I have been struggling over this issue for so long and do not know what to do. I am 37 years old and have had a close friendship with a girl since second grade. Since then, we have been BFFs. After 7th grade I moved away, but we stayed connected and visited each other. I moved back about ten years ago, and ended up marrying her husband’s best friend. We both have young children.

Everything was as always until she made a rude and angry comment about a school decision I had made for my youngest child. I stood up for myself and snapped back at the reasons I had chosen this particular school. Maybe it was the fact that I actually stood up for myself and to her (which I never had before) but I didn’t hear from her for the entire summer.

I was devastated. I ended up calling and calling and finally apologizing. She thanked me, and things were okay sometimes, but for the past three years she has never been the same with me. I am always asking her, as friends should, how she is, how her family is, telling her she looks great, etc. but I get nothing in return. It seems one sided, and it is so hard to take because we were so close for all those years. I am broken hearted.

My question is, should I bring up, again how I feel—I have brought it up a few times, and she says she is still uncomfortable around me, and feels I have changed and we have a long talk about that silly argument before—or should I just let it go and stop trying to be her friend, and let the friendship end (which could be difficult as my husband and hers are friends)? Any advice would be much appreciated!

Regards,
Chloe

ANSWER

Dear Chloe:

When two friends have such a long shared history and their friendship extends to their families, a breech like the one you have experienced can be very disappointing and upsetting. It sounds like you HAVE changed over time; you’ve matured into someone who is more self-confident and assertive, especially when it comes to knowing what’s best for your own family.

It is somewhat unforgivable that your friend wouldn’t speak to you for an entire summer because you were following your own best instincts about what was best for your child. Perhaps, she was looking for an excuse to step away from the friendship.

It sounds like you given her every opportunity to make amends and for whatever reason—it may be something that has nothing to do with you—she doesn’t feel as comfortable in the relationship as she once did. That has to feel awkward given the ties between your husbands, your kids, and any mutual friends.

At this point, your best option would be to downgrade the friendship to a more casual one. Be friendly, act cordially, but don’t consider her your close friend or have high expectations of intimacy or reciprocity.

Over time, your friend may change her feelings. In the meantime, spend time with other women and try to heal from this hurt. From what you’ve told me, you haven’t done or said anything that you need to feel guilty about. You are lucky to have a friendship that lasted as long as it did but you aren’t alone. Friendships are dynamic and it is not uncommon for many of them to change or drift apart over time.

My best, 

Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a friend who was always interesting to talk to because we had interests in common. I always wondered how she could manage so many activities in addition to her work.

Unfortunately, some time ago, she developed a serious illness for which she is now being treated. She has been attempting to regain her formerly busy lifestyle. While helping her at her home, I got to know her better and see how her personality may have even contributed to her becoming ill. She puts herself under needless stress. Hers was a dysfunctional lifestyle that emphasized overachieving and helping everyone -- even if they didn't ask for it.

Maybe I should have backed off because I sensed that I was being leaned on out of proportion to the situation. To those family or relatives who could help, she barely delegates anything, and excuses others who say they are too busy. However, the people she is leaning on are not related to her and are just as busy with obligations, if not more.  

I stopped contacting her about two weeks ago and feel guilty because I know that coping with her health problem is not a picnic. It is somewhat flattering to be leaned on. However, I am happy having this "vacation" as I feel trapped when I think about contacting her again. I rarely have given her advice and rarely have stated my opinions about what she has been doing in her life. I am afraid that if I go back to contacting her, I may finally tell her my opinions and then I'll be sorry. Thanks for any suggestions about how I can handle this situation.  

Signed,
Trapped

ANSWER

Dear Trapped,

Whenever a friend has a serious illness, it also takes a toll on her female friends. The people around her may feel a range of emotions including guilt, anger, sadness, and fear. You haven’t told me the nature of your friend’s illness but it sounds like your friend is a classic portrait of a “woman who does too much.” She liked to have friends lean on her and now expects the same from her friends. Not too unreasonable an expectation, I think, if she can have it her way.

You felt you desperately needed a vacation because your relationship with her had crossed the line and was toxic. You were complicit in allowing her to lean on you excessively, without letting her know when it was getting to be too much for you. Instead, you simply escaped.

If you want to have a more comfortable and mutually satisfying relationship with your friend, you need to be candid and set some realistic boundaries regarding where your helpfulness starts and stops, and what you are willing to do for her and what you are not. She may need and ask for more help now than before, so it can get a little tricky.

Whether, or how, her personality may have contributed to her illness is somewhat speculative and probably irrelevant because you aren’t going to change her. Realistically, you can only work on yourself by recognizing that relationships don’t have to be “all or none.” You don’t have to acquiesce to all her needs. If you decide to resume your relationship with your friend, you need to work at shaping it so that it is more reciprocal.

My best,

Irene

Hello,

I am a 26-year old female. I have a problem with female friendships. It really annoys me when a friend tries to compete with me. I'll give you an example. My boyfriend recently sent me flowers at work. I told one of my friends and she did not show any happiness for me. Instead, she started talking about her wedding bouquet and how beautiful it was and stuff like that.

I always try to be nice to my friends when something nice happens to them and never start speaking about myself at that moment. I expect the same behavior when something nice happens to me. My problem is that when stuff like that happens it really affects me. Maybe I am overreacting but I just want to find a way of coping with it without messing up my female relationships.

Signed,
Disappointed

ANSWER:

Dear Disappointed,

When your friend heard about the flowers you received, she was only able to think about herself--so she inappropriately spewed out the statement about her wedding bouquet. Sometimes people are so envious of others, or else are so self-centered, that they only think about themselves.

If you want to preserve the relationship with this 'friend,' you need to be honest about how you feel. You could say something like, "Indulge me and give me a few minutes to feel good about the flowers I got---and then we'll talk about your bouquet." Maybe she'll get the hint that it isn't all about her (although I wouldn't bet money on that!)

I suspect that some of your friends are more competitive than others. Don't lump them all together. Perhaps, you can pick and choose. Focus on nurturing the relationships that are more reciprocal. Those are the friends who are more likely to be able to genuinely share your happiness.

You might like to read a prior post I recently wrote about envy among friends. I hope this is helpful to you.

My best,
Irene

Dear Irene,

Just want to say thank you for this blog. I just walked away from a very painful friendship that almost ripped off my self-esteem. It is true that I have not always been the most confident person, but I have never encountered anyone like this before. She is always judgmental, negatively critical, pessimistic, and uses emotional blackmail. When I read your 20 ways to spot a toxic friendship, I answered YES to 16 questions.

It took me a year to finally be decisive and realize that the friendship wasn't worth saving. What pains me the most is the fact that she has always been envious of me even though she has the same things that I have. I never feel comfortable sharing my happiness or success with her. It really hurts because I see her as a sister and have always wished her well so it feels like a betrayal.

Now that I have walked away she accused me of abandoning her and took this opportunity to play the victim in front of others. She keeps saying I hate her and never want to see her again. People have no idea that I am just putting up my boundaries and protecting my mental well-being.

I have been patient, forgiving and understanding over the past three years. All she did was take me for granted. Although it is over, sometimes her negativity still bothers me and some of the hurtful remarks are hard to let go of. Nonetheless, at least now I am certain I no longer want her close to me. I am determined to move on and want nothing to do with her. The writings in your blog help me a lot, knowing that a lot of people have experienced the same thing. So once again, thank you and all the best for your forthcoming book.

Signed,
Bruised

P.S. I hope you will write more about envy among friends. I have experienced it a few times and surprisingly enough, people who are envious of me are almost always those I consider my best friends. I find this very difficult to understand. It is okay to feel jealous of someone - wishing you have what they have. I feel that way sometimes, too. But I am always happy for every success and happiness of my friends, and I never take pleasure in seeing them miserable. It is sad how some people can only sympathize with someone's misery but not their happiness.

ANSWER:

Dear Bruised:

Thanks for raising the topic of envy although I'm sorry that you feel bruised by an envious friend. It is always disappointing when a friend falls short of meeting our expectations.

Because we are all different, it's a natural instinct for each of us to compare ourselves to others. We tend to gauge ourselves by how we stack up against our friends and acquaintances along a variety of dimensions-e.g. looks, intelligence, career success, wealth, material possessions, and social cache. Most times, we realize that while our friend may have X, we are lucky to have Y.

However, women with low self-esteem, or who are depressed, tend to focus exclusively on their shortcomings and are bitter about what they perceive as the advantages or good fortune of others. Taken to its extreme, such an individual can be very self-involved, hostile and cutting. It's natural to feel envious occasionally but if this is a persistent pattern, it can be toxic to a friendship. (By the way, jealousy is an attitude of possessiveness when someone feels that a valued relationship is threatened; envy is a broader concept that can include coveting another person's characteristics or possessions).

An excess of envy makes for an uncomfortable relationship because you can't be open and share your successes. If you do, you run the risk of making your friend feel more badly about herself. After three years, it sounds like you have finally realized that your friend is consistently envious and resentful and you have become confident enough to let go of the friendship. It's unfortunate, but predictable, that your friend felt more threatened and put down, becoming more openly hostile to you when you decided to distance yourself from her.

Stick with your decision because it isn't very likely that your friend will change: She is who she is. On the other hand, make sure that you aren't falling into the trap of choosing best friends who feel one-down to make you feel one-up. Solid friendships need to be reciprocal---with two friends looking up to one another.

My best,

Irene

Hi Irene,

I telephoned a girlfriend today for a chat and to see how see was doing and she hit me with a bombshell. She politely told me that she saw no point in continuing our friendship. She said she was making positive changes in her life and I wasn't included.

We have had one disagreement in the six years we have known each other. We are both busy moms and live in different towns so most of our friendship is over long phone calls. We are both Americans living abroad and we have found creature comfort in talking to a fellow-country woman.

Though I understand that we were never best, best friend-our interests are different-we were always there for each other to share joys and tears. I told her that I had to respect her decision but I admitted I was confused why she felt the need to cut it off entirely. We didn't have some screaming fight. We laughed with each other, gave support when the other needed it. I babysat when she asked and included her daughter in all my kids' parties.

She said she was looking for a best friend. Someone whom she could go out and have a drink with. She said she didn't feel like putting any energy into a phone friend. I understand what she was saying but I don't get why she had to dump me as a friend totally. Can she only have one friend at a time?

I am a mom with three little boys and a husband who comes home late. I rarely have an option of a babysitter, so nights out are even rarer still. My friend is a single mom who has one day during the week and every other weekend child-free because of visitation with the child's father. I understand her need to let loose but I thought she understood my situation too. I am sad. I miss our girl chats. I miss being her Dr. Freud. I know a lot of people in this foreign country but she was my touchstone to home and I didn't have to explain who I was because she already knew. I really feel alone.

Sincerely,
Dumpee

ANSWER:

Dear Dumpee,

It is always painful to be dumped, especially without any real explanation. To make matters worse, your friend was unnecessarily blunt and showed little respect for your feelings. Your friend's reasons for suddenly breaking off the relationship in a hurtful way are as inexplicable to me as they are to you.

There are a few things you've mentioned (and that you may have overlooked) that suggest your friendship may have been imperfect to start: While you are both ex-pats, you have different interests, fairly different lifestyles (single mom of an only child vs. married mom with three little ones), and live in different towns with few opportunities to see one another. While none of these differences are necessarily relationship killers, it sounds like there just weren't enough ties to bind you other than you country of origin.

Your life sounds pretty constricted right now (your husband has long working hours, you are still adjusting to living in a foreign country away from old friends and extended family, and you have few childcare options), so admittedly, this is a tough time to make new friends and it's natural to feel alone.

It sounds like this lost friendship may have been a relationship of convenience for the two of you. You mention that you liked being your friend's "Dr. Freud," which suggests that you were on the giving end of the relationship more than the receiving one. When relationships are tipped in one direction like that, they are often prone to fracture.

You deserve to have a close friend with whom you can share feelings-but one that is more reciprocal. My advice: Try to find a replacement closer to home. You may have more in common with someone in your neighborhood than you do with this ex-pat---perhaps, a mother of one of your children's friends. At different times in a woman's life, it may be more or less difficult to make and maintain female friendships. Before you know it, your little ones will be older and you will have more time and options.

You have a very full plate right now so, perhaps, on an interim basis you could reconnect by email to some of your friends from back home. I'm sorry this happened but I think it has more to do with her than with you. Don't over-analyze why she did it because you'll never be able to figure it out. Instead, move forward and find new ways to address your own needs for friendship.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

One political poll reported that a large majority of voters said they would be frightened if the presidential candidate—other than the one they supported—won the election. It reminded me of how we live in our own little worlds.

The differences between the parties’ candidates were great and I have to admit: Most of my friends have similar political leanings to my own. It isn’t that we agree on every issue but, in general, we have shared values--which I consider an important component of close friendships.

To tell you the truth, my world is actually so small that I even have a hard time relating to people who don’t like some of my favorite movies or television shows. How can we be friends if we don’t even laugh at the same jokes? Well the election is over and, hopefully, most of my friendships will remain intact.

Depending on how opinionated and strident a person is—whether the topic is politics or popular culture—it’s natural to feel alienated from people who aren’t like us. But just as politics has the power to make strange bedfellows, if we focus on what we have in common rather than what sets us apart, it’s a great way to build and strengthen our friendships.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I have several girlfriends who seem needy to me. While we all go through difficult times, it seems they always have problems. I am unmarried, with a boyfriend who lives an hour away, I am running a business and my household and they have all of the support - husbands, children, family - which is great. But for some reason even with all this support they do not seem to have anyone to go to. I am essentially alone - which is fine and I get up everyday and do what I have to do.

Every single time I talk to any of them they are always asking me to come visit or to go out---one hour away driving from my home after I've worked all day. I don't get it. It is really annoying and upsetting to me. I want these friends to be a part of my life not my whole life.

One seems to think that I should hang out at her place while she complains about her husband and yells at her two kids. The other wants me to sit with her while she - using her words "wallows" - she has nothing to wallow about - nothing bad has happened to her. I feel like these people have no problem always asking for something from me. I am tired of it.

Signed,
Anonymous Single Person

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous Single Person:

I guess your friends assume that because you don't have a husband or kids, you have no responsibilities to yourself, your business, or to other people. NOT. If this is their thinking, it makes me wonder how you ever managed to surround yourself with "several" of these self-centered people.

I am so happy that you are able to say that you are tired of these lopsided relationships. Identifying the problem, even to yourself, means that you realize you deserve much more. These people are going to continue to act the way they habitually do unless you give them a reason to change their behavior.

As a first step, set some firm boundaries (to them and to yourself) about how often you see them, where you see them, and what you do when you are together. Can you suggest that you get together and see a movie? Go to dinner? Go to a gym? Any of these would offer a more neutral turf and might also offer a much needed respite for your family-beleaguered friends.

If you're tired after a long day, you're entitled to say you that you are---why not ask them to get a babysitter or relative to watch the kids and come see you? Can you tell them that it doesn't help to "wallow" in pity and suggest that you do something else when you are together?

These are a few suggestions but I think you will need to evaluate each of these relationships that you lump together as ‘needy friendships' and figure out what you are receiving from each one. For relationships to be rewarding, they need to offer a sense of intimacy (feeling like you understand her and are understood) and a sense of reciprocity (like you are getting as much from her as you are giving). I'm not sure that these "friendships" you have described offer either.

Best,
Irene

Dear Irene:

Hi, I have a friend who doesn’t have very good boundaries. I live in a small town. I am a fairly private person who is social but also like my alone time. This friend has stopped by my house when I don't answer the phone and once she comes over, doesn't leave until really late.

I have no idea how to tell her nicely that it is now time for her and her children to leave. I really value our friendship, but she and her children are very intense and I don't want to spend every waking moment with her. I think she would spend all the time with me if she could.

Any advice? I want to be able to get together with her without being with her for the rest of the day. Also, she seems to get irritated with me and think something is wrong when I don't do what she wants or don’t see her for a couple of days.

Signed,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The most satisfying friendships are built on a foundation of balance and reciprocity. It sounds like your relationship isn’t balanced; your friend covets more of your time and space than is comfortable for you. Yet, you allow her to show up at your home uninvited---and permit her to stay past her welcome. That’s a recipe for a fractured friendship to come!

Sadly, she doesn’t have the sensitivity to sense when you’ve had enough of her or to read your nonverbal cues. In cases like this, you need to be more explicit and tell her something like, “I hope you won’t take offense but it’s getting late and I have an early appointment in the morning” or “I have to get the kids to calm down before bedtime.”

Another tactic might be to schedule your time with your friend so there is a beginning and an end that it is set firm. For example, you might say “I have about four hours before I need to take care of stuff. We’ll have to wrap things up by 2PM” or “Why don’t we meet at the park for an hour or two?”

Acknowledge (to yourself) that you may have boundary issues as well. You need to start to establish ground rules so you don’t wind up feeling angry and abused. Since you really seem to like this friend, it’s worth the risk of explaining how you feel. Tell her that you treasure her friendship but need more alone time for yourself and your family.

Admittedly, I have only heard a little slice of a long story and I suspect your discomfort over this boundary may be just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect that there are other ways in which she is insensitive to your needs and that you feel like you are giving more than you’re getting. Let us know what happens.

My best,

Irene

Dear Irene,

I have experienced a catastrophic rift with my friend of over 10 years. "Em" and I met in college, and we've been through lots of life changes since then. Over the years, I've introduced her to all of my friends and she has become a fixture at our social gatherings.

Our relationship began to sour after I met my husband a few years ago. She is resentful that he has "replaced her" and that I am happy in life while she goes through a series of failed relationships and failed jobs. I feel increasingly that I can never do enough to be a good friend to her.

So, after she said some profoundly hurtful things to me, I decided the best thing to do is make more room in my life for my healthy friendships and relationships. The only problem is: I don't know what to do about our mutual friends. I have no intention of telling them to choose sides, because that would be childish. But I fear that she will sabotage those friendships, and I don't know how to go about protecting them while I remove her from my life.

This Thursday, there's a joint birthday party for two mutual friends. We have both RSVP'd. What do I do?

Signed,

Anonymous in Virginia

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous in Virginia:

Of course, you should go to your friends’ birthday party. You may feel a bit uncomfortable but it won’t be too bad. Just say hello to “Em” and focus your attention where it should be---on the Birthday Girls.

Friendships change as our life circumstances change. If you met your friend ten years ago at college, consider how you’ve changed and grown since then, and all the other changes that have taken place in nearly every other realm of your life. Isn’t it natural that the nature of the friendships you need and enjoy might change as well? As one example, you met “Em” before you met your husband. Prior to that, as two single women, you may have had more in common and therefore, you may have been more patient in catering to her whims and neediness.

Now that you have insight you have no choice but to break lose. Over time, connections between close friends become tangled like vines. Friendships that begin as twosomes extend to relationships between families and groups---and the risk of collateral damage after a breakup is real.

While you may suffer some losses, my hunch is they won’t be significant ones. If “Em” is grating, she probably is just as grating on your mutual friends. (She may even be worse without you as a buffer.) Your true friends will remain your friends.

Forget the hurtful things “Em” said and let go. If anyone at the party asks what happened, say that you drifted apart without going into details. If “Em” goes on to intentionally sabotage your mutual friendships, smart women will see right through her.

Like you, even couples who split---married or not---have legitimate concerns about subsequent fallout. But if you recognize your relationship with “Em” is toxic, you have no choice but to go forward with the split---or at least a friendship sabbatical.

Please get the word “catastrophic” out of your head. Yours is not the first friendship to fracture and yours won’t be the last. The relationship with “Em” was a good one when it was more reciprocal. I know that the change still feels painful but you have lots of supports in your life and things will smooth out over time. Let me know how it goes and thanks for reading my blog.

Sincerely,

Irene

Do you have a question about female friendships that is bothering you? Please write me at Irene@fracturedfriendships.com and I’ll try to answer as many of them as I can.

Might it be time to call it quits?

QUESTION:

My best friend is finally dumping her jerk husband of more than a decade and I'm glad about that but it's all wearing me to a nub.

Her frenzied dating is making me nuts. She talks about her boyfriends constantly, and about how many men are chasing her. She is convinced her life will be right back on track when she has a boyfriend, even though the divorce isn't even final yet.

She's really into psychotherapy which I hope might help her. I think she needs to stabilize before she gets involved with anyone but who am I to say? I don't know how to be supportive, honest, and not make my tongue bleed by biting it all at the same time.

I used to think that when she finally got away from her husband, who was emotionally abusive, she would grow into the woman she could be and our friendship would deepen. Now I just don't know. I'm feeling distant from her and irritated.

Please help!
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

Sounds like you’ve had a hard time supporting your BFF’s choices almost as long as you’ve known her but you deluded yourself into thinking her rotten choice of mate was circumstantial: that she simply picked the wrong guy and had a hard time getting out of it.

In large part, people choose their circumstances, and if they don’t because they’ve fallen into them by mistake, they do have the free will to change them. Eighteen years of abuse must have eroded your friend’s self-esteem completely. What half-normal person would put up with all that stuff for that long?
Admittedly, this is probably a very difficult time for your BFF. She must worry about whether she will eventually land on the ground with both feet standing---and you may be wondering the same thing about her too!

Being indiscriminately “boy-crazy” diverts a woman from thinking about their own life (How do I know? Been there, done thatJ). Her interest in psychotherapy suggests that on some level, she would like to find her true self.

But let’s get back to you. It’s impossible to support a friend when you consistently don’t support her choices, unless she has other qualities that outweigh the negative ones. The value of every female friendship is determined by how well it meets our needs---I like to call this the concept of reciprocity. Friendships usually work when two friends feel like they are giving each other more---or at least as much---as they are getting. Sounds like this one isn’t working for you.

In this circumstance, what are your choices? You can leave things as they are and bite your tongue (but I think you are having a problem doing that or you wouldn’t have written to me). You can tell her things she isn’t ready to hear. Or there is one more approach that I think is the most prudent. I suggest that you take a friendship sabbatical.

You need to step back and give your friend time to work things out---and you need to give yourself time to think about whether the friendship is worth the angst. You can tell your friend that you need some time and space for yourself but you really care about her and what she is going through. In the meantime, spend more time with other friends and see if they can fill the deficit. Let me know what you decide and how it goes.

Best, Irene