reader Q & A

Dear Irene,

Our best friend has been seeing this guy. She's really into him so she wanted us to spend some time together to get to know him. Unfortunately, both of us really dislike him. We find him arrogant and narcissistic, to the point of his putting us down to make himself look better.

Our friend has had boyfriends in the past, all of whom we've at least gotten along with, if not genuinely liked. This new guy is, in fact, the first one we hate. He offended us numerous times, both in front of and behind our friend's back. When he's not being pompous and condescending, he's just outright boring. The night we met, he interrupted our conversation many times to tell us unrelated, dull stories, which were boastful and pretentious.

The next day, we each separately approached our friend with our concerns and had a couple of civil conversations with her. However, she refuses to see our point of view and chooses to take his side, insinuating that we're jealous because we are single.

We don't know how to proceed without causing a rift in our friendship because she's spending increasingly more time with him. We can't bring ourselves to put up with him anymore so she's going to have to divide her time between him and us---no matter how much we love her. We've never been in such a position before and desperately need advice.

Thank you!

Abby and Alana

ANSWER

Dear Abby and Alana,

As you well understand, when people first fall in love, they can be blind to each other's foibles. You can warn someone that she is hitching her wagon to a loser until you are blue in the face, but she won't be able to hear you until she gains some insight on her own.

You've already hit on the right solution for your dilemma: Limit "everyone together time" and try to encourage your friend to regularly spend time with her gal pals. That way, you'll be able to cushion her fall when she needs you. If she asks, be honest about your feelings about her boyfriend but don't harangue her about her relationship.

Keep in mind: From time to time friends show bad judgment or make choices that seem self-destructive. Sometimes, our conclusions about them are premature and things don't actually turn out as badly as we thought they would.

It's always a challenge to communicate a balance of honesty, concern, and support to someone who appears to be a bad situation. I admire you for taking on this challenge and being such good friends.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch on similar issues:

• Feeling used by a friend
• Inseparable friends until...
• Friends don't judge...or do they?
• Watching a good friend make bad decisions

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I recently broke up with my boyfriend and had honestly neglected my friends during our relationship. What would be the best way to get into their good graces again?

ANSWER

There's no sense pretending: If you know, they know too. Admit you were dumb to get caught up with a jerk and go AWOL. Tell them you probably deserve the "Bad Friend Award" but it made you realize you need and cherish your connections with your gal pals - whether you're involved with a guy or not.

Make plans to do some fun things with your friends and show interest in their lives. Guard against spending your time ruminating about your lost love. They'll remember how much fun they used to have with you, and you and they will get over what's his name again in no time :)

Remember, if they're good friends, they'll forgive you and feel badly (for you) that your relationship ended. Unfortunately, it's common for women to neglect their sisters for their misters and then only to realize the loss when the relationship ends.

***This Q & A also appeared on Her Campus, an online magazine for college women that individualizes its content college-by-college Written entirely by the nation's top college journalists, Her Campus serves as a hub for everything college women need to know today.

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I've been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship. When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn't reciprocate.

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn't scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

In both cases, I've come to recognize that we've changed as people, and don't share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life. If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past - so I don't want to drop them altogether.

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed? I've known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn't it healthy to talk things out?

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I'm still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We're both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn't age 21) so we're taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it's the first time she'll "cut loose" in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I'm feeling anxious that we're not as compatible now as we once were. I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

In both cases, it's a question of how to acknowledge change. The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

ANSWER:

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it's tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

While you hope you'll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar. Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you "confronted" her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don't like the term "confront" because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it's fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

In the case of Friend # 2, she's realized it's logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she's immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends' getaway to celebrate your friendship.

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you're both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

Yes, it's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship---or to even understand the transitions in the middle. It's easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no "right" way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit--- "right" depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

It's hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn't ask---but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

Here are a few prior posts on The Friendship Blog on the topic of moves and their impact on friendships:

The sadness of moving and leaving a BFF behind

Hard to say goodbye: Ending a 20-year friendship

A friend's unexpected move

What strategies have you used to stay close with friends who iive far away?

Dear Irene,

After years of friendship, my relationship with a colleague was damaged while both of us were enduring major losses in our lives. I think I managed to keep my issues out of the workplace, but hers caused her to be very angry. Unfortunately, most of her anger was directed at me. I suppose she decided I was the weakest link at the time.

She was nasty to everyone around her but even they would admit that her new hobby was attacking me. It was so stressful that my heart beat faster when I saw her name in my inbox; there was a good chance the message would be some kind of attack or insult. I eventually removed myself from the toxic situation several years ago and gained some distance between us. Since that time, I speak when spoken to, basically, but never reach out or contact her. She is no longer my colleague and I do not HAVE to stay connected although we do have mutual friends.

She recently sent me a friend request on Facebook and I accepted it, thinking that if I didn't, she would interpret that as a rejection and start attacking again. In hindsight, I wish I had ignored it because she then sent me a very nasty Facebook message. It was inappropriate and unprovoked, but it showed who she is at her core -- somebody who isn't a nice person.

I think I have four options: Respond (which isn't really a choice as far as I'm concerned); Do nothing; Hide my wall and its comments from her (so that my name doesn't show up on her news feed and remind her that she hasn't attacked me lately) or Unfriend her. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Ms. No Name

ANSWER

Dear Ms. No Name,

Facebook has added a new layer of complexity to the world of friendship---both in terms of whom we friend and defriend, and in terms of how we hande online frenemies. You aren't the only one grappling with these problems. (BTW - Complicated Facebook privacy settings don't make it any easier!)

In this case, your once-real friend is still a hostile person. This time it seeped out in the form of a nasty Facebook message. You have learned a hard lesson: Time may pass but character endures. So what do you do now? You have no obligation or reason to respond to a vicious email so I'm glad you eliminated that option.

You shouldn't have to worry about a frenemy lurking each time you post so I would hide your wall and comments from her. The only reason to keep her as a Facebook "friend" would be to keep an eye on her and on your reputation.

Yuk! So sorry this happened to you.

Best,
Irene

This is a "lifeline" question: Anyone else have a similar problem---how did you resolve it?

Dear Dr. Levine,

My dearest best friend of 35 years died in March. She had Alzheimer's disease, so it had been several years since I was able to have a conversation with her, but I could still visit and see her. Her death has devastated me.

Before she became ill, we spoke almost every day, and often met for a cup of coffee, lunch, shopping, visiting a museum, or seeing a show, etc. She wrote a book that is carried by many museums, and we used to get a kick out of seeing it in their bookshops. We lived only 15 minutes apart. Our husbands even liked each other.

We shared so many things: a love of art, literature, humor, clothes, gossip, and much more. In all those years, we never had a fight---maybe a slight disagreement, but never a fight. I now feel bereft and totally alone, even though I am happily married and have other friends. Of those I have, no one can come near to replacing her. My husband understands my loss, but can't fill that empty space.

I have kind of resigned myself to knowing that I will never have a friendship again with that kind of width and depth. It's not a matter of not having other friends. I just have little desire to be with them. When my best friend was alive, I didn't mind spending some time with other friends also, but now, I have little desire to. When I do, it feels like I'm just "making do", and I feel terrible for even thinking that. How does one readjust from this kind of loss? Or, maybe you just don't.

Sincerely,
Lindsay

ANSWER

Dear Lindsay.

It sounds like you found and lost a kindred spirit in your friend. Given all the experiences and emotions you shared, there must be constant reminders of the friendship---tinged with even greater sadness because you watched your friend slowly deteriorate.

Perhaps, you need to allow yourself a fallow period before you can reach out to other friends. When you do feel like being with other women (which you will), resist the temptation to compare other friendships to this one.

Remember that each friendship is unique and this one-of-a-kind friendship has helped you become the person---and the friend---you are today. You are fortunate that you have savored what few others have in a lifetime. More pleasant memories will surface when the sadness recedes with time.

One other thought to consider: If your sadness isn't confined to your friendships and you've lost interest in things that were once pleasurable, you may be feeling depressed. Sometimes depression manifests itself as a sense of hopelessness; difficulties concentrating; or changes in sleep patterns, appetite, or energy levels. (Click here to see more about the signs and symptoms of depression). If this is the case, talking to a mental health professional might help you get over the hump.

Recovering from the death or a loved one is never easy. In this case, the difficulty may be compounded because few others can understand the closeness of your friendship and the pain of your loss.

My thoughts are with you.

Warmest regards,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

My best friend and I have been teachers at the same school for over twelve years. I am 37 and she is 58, which makes her older than my mother. Through many of her life's challenges, I was there for her. I brought food when she was hungry, accompanied her to see her daughter in jail (I had never been to jail to see anyone), spent many days away from my own family with her and her granddaughter in the hospital, helped her study for graduate school (she would not have graduated without my help), decorated her classroom and completed school paperwork and report cards each year that she was ill, and so many other major favors, none of which were ever reciprocated.

Despite the fact that the school is just two minutes away from her home and an hour away from mine, for years, I would stay late helping her get organized for the next day, while my mom picked up my two young children from school and kept them until I got there. The principals and many of our co-workers never liked her, and she was in no position to loose her job. Many of the times, I sacrificed precious time with my husband and children. When I didn't want to help, she would throw tantrums and it seemed that her world would come to an end.

There was always a crisis, and her family didn't care for her that much. When she was younger and married with kids, she always thought that her family was better than her sisters' families as well as her in-laws'. Her children had better toys, clothes, and cars than all of the other family members. Her kids couldn't associate with others whose parents were "renters" and not "original owners" in her subdivision. She talks about poor people and despises those who are from the "ghetto". Admiring her good qualities, I always overlooked her arrogance.

For the past year, I've seen a major change in my friend's behavior towards me. She started embarrassing me every chance she got at work in front of a crowd, including falsely accusing my husband of beating me in front of our boss, later saying that she was just kidding. Four months ago, I got a tummy tuck. Every time we were in the presence of others, she would say how bad I looked. Everyone else was pleased with the results. I thought my friend would celebrate my success, but it's been to the contrary.

Prior to the tummy tuck, I was in an accident and was bound to a wheelchair and crutches for months, which caused me to gain over 80 pounds, especially in the abdomen. For this reason, I decided to have the belly fat removed. She's told everyone at work that she knew that I couldn't afford the surgery, but she recently received a large cash settlement. I didn't expect her to give me a dime, but if she thought that I was in need of money, why wouldn't she help? I had paid her electric bill for several months when she was ill and on sick leave.

Speaking of sick leave, my friend has gone out on sick leave for four years consecutively, each for a different reason. Sometimes when the pressure was on her to do her work, she would simply go to the doctor and go on sick leave. To avoid her getting in trouble for neglecting job duties, I would simply help, but looking back, no favor has ever been returned.

Fast forward to today: I've grown up. The last straw was when she told a group of co-workers, including our boss, that she didn't know what "ghetto" was until she met me. You see, my parents were teenagers when I was born. My mom was a 16-year-old, tenth grade African-American girl and my dad was 18. My grandparents made her drop out of school and get a job, because they didn't believe in welfare. Despite the odds, my mom went back to school when I was in elementary school. She became a 911 dispatcher and my dad a high school principal. Not repeating the pattern, they made sure that I graduated from a top university and became a teacher.

I am very proud of my parents' accomplishments and have not frowned on my past. It's made me who I am today and allows me to touch so many lives. Unfortunately, each chance that my friend gets, she calls me "ghetto" and makes fun of the high school where I graduated from and people from my
side of town.

Last year, my friend was diagnosed with cancer, which was treated, but I found out that the cancer is no longer there. She never told me that the cancer was gone but continued using others and me by maintaining that the cancer is still there, in an attempt to gain sympathy and favor. Since I uncovered the truth, it only sealed my decision to maintain my distance. Today, I am still helping her adult children, but I don't talk to her. I tried to express my feelings to her about our friendship, but she became confrontational and explosive. I even emailed her, but she put everything on me, saying that I made her cry. For the last few months of school, she did everything within her power to aggravate me and tell others that she didn't do anything to me.

As the summer comes to a close, I am regretting going back to work to be antagonized by her, and getting another job is out of the question. I am not angry with her. I have just grown up and decided to end our season. How should I deal with her when we get back to work? It's been hard ignoring her, and talking to her is out of the question. At work, I totally focus on my students, but I still have to see her in the hall, at meetings, and other transitions. Please advise.

Signed,
Angela

ANSWER

Dear Angela,

Based on your report, your friend isn't very friend-worthy. In fact, she sounds like a "user" who is self-centered, ungrateful, manipulative, insensitive, and has been abusive to you beyond belief.

Perhaps you developed an excess of sympathy for the underdog because of the circumstances of your own upbringing. However, this is clearly a case of too much of a good thing. You really went overboard in making sacrifices for someone who has treated you like a doormat. I'm not sure what attracted you to this friend initially or what made you hang on for so long. Fortunately, it appears that this one-sided, dysfunctional relationship has completely lost its luster for you.

You have every right to be proud of your upbringing and accomplishments---and you shouldn't allow anyone to treat you this way. I'm so glad that you finally had the self-confidence to face this situation squarely and decide you need to move on. Be proud of yourself for "growing up" as you put it.

What next? Remember that your job is your livelihood and has to be your first priority. Focus your energies at school on your students and on your colleagues---be professional and cordial in the workplace with your "friend" but don't engage socially with this frenemy any longer. Try to meet other friends outside the office who can fills the holes in your life and provide you with friendships that are more mutually supportive.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm 45 years old and feel like a 7th grader due to a mutual friend situation. I have been good friends with two neighbors for over 10 years. I introduced them last year and they hit it off great. I was so happy for them because they both have a lot of time on their hands and now they have each other. It kind of took the pressure off of me because I don't have a lot of free time.

However, lately, they invite me to some parties but sometimes make plans and do not include me ☹. It is mostly Friend #1 who likes to tell me they have dinner plans but doesn't even bother to invite me---while knowing I have no plans for the night. Friend #2 always asks if Friend #1 called and invited me. Because I know them both more than they know each other I would think they would include me. Friend #1 goes out of her way to say she made plans with the other friend.

If I had a free night I would never think of inviting one without the other. It isn't that Friend #1 prefers to be with Friend #2; she does the same twosome thing with me, excluding friend #2. She explains that she likes her "alone time" with her friends and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I guess I don't understand. We all get along great and I think its kind of rude when I have a free night but sit home alone because she wants her alone time.

Tomorrow is Friend #2's birthday and I asked Friend #1 what the plans were. She said she made plans to go out with our mutual friend but never even asked if I wanted to go. Why wouldn't I? It's my friend's B-day too!

Friend #1 says I am acting like a teenager but I think it's the other way around. I don't care how old you are. Everyone likes to be included---although it doesn't have to be all the time. It is very hurtful, especially when all three of us get along great. What kind of friend is she? She does this with all her friends! It's so frustrating! What do you think? Any suggestions?

Signed,
Laura

ANSWER

Dear Laura,

Under these circumstances, feeling hurt is understandable whether you're in seventh grade or in your seventh decade. You introduced two long-time friends to each other and suddenly you're on the outside looking in.

Several other readers have written to me about friend poaching and each time, I realize that the "rules" for how to handle it are rather murky. Because this situation is fairly common, I discuss friend poaching in my book and have also addressed it in these prior posts:

• Friend Poaching or Social Networking: What's the difference?

• A Friend Poached One Too Many Times

• Spinning Out of Control: It's Painful to Lose Friends and Disturbing to Lose Clients

With regard to your specific situation, Friend #1 has the right to prefer twosomes to groups. That's okay. And once you introduced her to Friend #2, it is acceptable for them to have a separate relationship. To her credit, she has been upfront with you about what she's doing but she also seems self-centered and insensitive to your feelings. Leaving you out of the birthday bash is taking things too far. Telling you that you're acting like a teenager compounds the hurt because she is, in essence, saying that it's inappropriate for you to feel the way you do. I disagree.

In acquiescing to the preferences of Friend #1, Friend #2 has also been somewhat insensitive to your feelings---particularly, given your long history.

Both friends already know you feel hurt. I don't think there's anything more you can say to make Friend #1 change her mind or to Friend #2, who seems to follow along with the program. As I see it, your only choice is to accept these relationships as they are and/or use this as an opportunity to seek out new relationships that are more inclusive and hassle-free.

I realize that your dilemma isn't an easy one and that this has to be incredibly uncomfortable since they're both your neighbors.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi,

I've had the same best friend for more than 20 years. We were so close that we even have matching tattoos. We don't live near each other, but have maintained contact and been through school, marriage, kids, etc together. She's been a huge part of my life.

Things started getting tough a couple of years ago. I have a pretty typical personal life, but I've struggled with an anxiety disorder that was exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. Over the past few months I've coped with a number of stressful events, including illness, a very significant death in the family, parenting an infant, and dealing with a major family feud.

During this same time period, my friend began what I can only call a "midlife crisis", though she would hate for anyone to use that term. She prefers to see it as finding herself - but the self she's found is someone totally different than who she was when we first met, with totally different values (like open marriage and questionable behavior) and I don't really approve of most of it.

Because of my history and my current stress levels, it's very hard for me to be enmeshed in her personal drama right now, largely because she means so much to me and I'm scared she will regret the decisions she is making someday. For me, the last straw was when she failed to come to an important event I'd asked her to be part of. I sent her a letter expressing how hurt I was and how worried I am about her. The whole thing escalated from there and when I said I just needed a temporary break, she flipped out on me, accusing me of being judgmental and not accepting her
for who she is.

I really wasn't trying to "break up," only to take care of my own mental health for a brief period, as her drama was becoming my drama. I realize I can't change her life or live it for her, and I'm hurt that she couldn't be respectful of what my current needs are in turn.

Now I'm left wondering if the relationship is salvageable and/or worth salvaging. I'll be heartbroken if this is the end, but at the same time I don't know if I would become as close to her if I had just met the "new her" as opposed to the person she was from twenty years ago. I'm not sure if she will agree to just change the terms of our friendship, right now her attitude seems to be "either you are my best friend and accept me no matter what I do, or get out."

Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

Signed,
Marla

ANSWER

Dear Marla,

People change over time and, despite your long and close shared history, it sounds like your BFF isn't someone whom you would want to be too cozy with now. Even if you have the same tattoos, her values and lifestyle are so discrepant from your own that you feel uncomfortable.

Clearly, your friend's life has taken a turn in a different direction. And even before the blowup, your friendship had become somewhat one-sided. Your BFF wasn't able to recognize the importance of the event at which she was a no-show and you couldn't turn to her for support while you were grappling with your own problems and anxieties.

When you sent her the letter, she "flipped out" because she couldn't tolerate being judged by you. She may have experienced a host of feelings---such as guilt, shame, and insecurity---which can interfere with an intimate friendship. While you were trying to back off from the intensity of the relationship (which I think is a good idea), your friend may have feared you were breaking up and reacted defensively by giving you an ultimatum.

Reach out to her when you've both calmed down, perhaps with a phone call, and tell her that you cherish all the memories you've shared together, that you realize that she has to make her own choices, and that you hope you can remain friends even if you see things differently. I hope she can remain "a best friend" in your life because of your history together---but, perhaps, not your only best friend. I think you need to diversify and find other best friends closer to home whose values more closely mirror your own, and friendships that allow for more give and take.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes, Irene

Have a friendship question or dilemma? Write to Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

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Dear Irene,

I'm having a difficult time moving on after ending a toxic friendship. I began distancing myself from this friend once I realized she was toxic. However, our sons are both 3-years-old and were in the same preschool class. My son eventually bit this friend's son because he was tired of being bitten. Hers is a biter; mine is a pusher/shover.

After I began distancing myself, this friend and another woman complained so bitterly and consistently about my son's pushing and shoving in class that the school eventually wanted to know if we were abusing our son. The teachers felt they needed to isolate my son to "protect him." Many other things were happening but in the interest of brevity, I'll just say that we eventually pulled my son out of this classroom. I understand every mother's desire to protect their child, and can see---knowing what I do about her character/personality---the situation from her side. However, it doesn't excuse the events that happened and doesn't eliminate the fact that the school asked about abuse.

My son was observed by professionals and found to be very bright/verbal and displaying NORMAL toddler behavior. Meanwhile, my son can't possibly understand what is happening. We later found out that my husband and I intimidated the teachers and the director because we are both psychologists. The boss of these two individuals sat down with us and told us everything that was happening---that the teachers were not telling us---and also let us know that she, too, agreed our son was intelligent and normal.

My son has since begun a Montessori program and is doing wonderfully and thriving. My difficulty lies in: 1) I want to contact my ex-friend to express my hurt and anger and address these actions/issues but I'm still so hurt I'm not sure how to approach this without putting her on the defensive, and 2) I'm not sure how to handle future meetings with this woman and her family in our neighborhood. Our sons are too young to understand why their friendship was so abruptly halted, so when they see each other at the neighborhood playground they will want to play with each other. What is your advice? Thanks so much...these last few months have been torture.

Best,
Tara

ANSWER

Dear Tara,

I understand how painful this situation must be for you and your husband. Preschoolers often get into scuffles with other kids and, as you mention, parents can be quite defensive and even ferocious when they feel their children are being attacked.

When my own son was in preschool, there was a "biter" in the classroom and a group of parents were adamant about trying to get the toddler removed from the school rather than figuring out a way with the teacher and family to change her behavior.

Nonetheless, it sounds like you need to move on from this friendship. Before the incident with your son, you realized that you needed to distance yourself from her. Now, given the allegations that were lodged against you, this relationship seems beyond repair. Had your friend come to you directly, instead of complaining to the school and other parents, things might have worked out differently.

It's great that you enrolled your son in the Montessori school where he has no history behind him and has probably matured by now. It also sounds like the last school didn't handle the situation very well.

As with any broken friendship, be cordial to the mom and say hello but I see no reason in trying to rehash the past. In terms of the kids, you can allow your son to play with hers as long as you carefully monitor the situation and make sure there are no problems. Limits need to be set so that the children respect one another and do not hurt one another while playing. Unfortunately, if the other mom feels differently, you may have to schedule your playground visits at times when she and her son aren't there.

I hope this helps!

Best,
Irene

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Hi Irene,

I love your blog and read it all the time; you offer such great advice. Now I have some problems of my own and was wondering if you could help me. I‘ve had the same best friend for ten years; we went to uni together and even lived together after university. In January, we both decided to take a career break, traveling round Asia and New Zealand for a year and working as we went along. After a few weeks, our friendship deteriorated badly, partly because of the stress of spending every day together for two months and both of us feeling money/job pressures, etc. Also, lots of things happened that made me doubt our friendship and whether I could trust her.

We had a big fight and she moved out of our hostel, which was fine. By that time, we both had jobs and had met lots of friends so neither of us was on our own. I thought we would have a few weeks space and get back on track. But I haven't heard from her for six months and don't even know where she is living anymore. All I see are Facebook updates every now and then. The last read "Going to Fiji tomorrow." I don't know if she's living there or just went for a holiday.

I tried to message her twice on Facebook, to let her know I was willing to re-open communication but received no reply; that was five months ago. But I'm actually a happier person now the friendship is over. I realize she was more of a frenemy than a friend but I'm very confused.

1. So far I haven't said anything to our mutual friends except "I haven't seen her for a while. We're having space, etc. (nothing that could be seen as me being bitchy.)" But now it's been six months. Do I need to tell our mutual friends we've "split" (just so they know the score)? Currently it's like the elephant in the corner. No one mentions it; they all talk to me like normal, like I came out here on my own, and I assume they treat her the same.

2. What happens when I go home to London? - ALL our friends are mutual friends. Is it a case of whoever goes home first keeps the friends? Surely if she goes home first and tells them what a cow I am and gets her story in first then I'll have no friends to return to. Even if they don't get involved, they'll feel awkward about the situation and may distance themselves from both of us.

3. This girl is still my Facebook friend but won't speak to me. I know it seems petty but every now and again I think about deleting her. She wouldn't speak to me when I tried to patch things up. She DOES NOT deserve to be on my friends list but how will deleting her look to our mutual friends?

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm really worried as I might have to leave NZ soon and return to London and basically we shared everything - a house, friends, etc. Now I don't know how to return to that life without her...maybe a fresh start somewhere new is the only option.

Cheers,
Jenna

ANSWER

Hi Jenna,

It sounds like you had a great ten-year run with your friend and grew up together. After graduation many friendships unravel as people grow in different directions and get a better sense of the person they are or want to become.

Unfortunately, there is often stigma and shame associated with a friendship breakup because our society judges women by their ability to make and keep friends. Pop culture reinforces the myth that friendships should be forever so when a friendship falls apart, there is no one to turn to for support. Women fear if they tell others what has happened, especially men, it will be viewed as a catfight. They are reluctant to tell other women, lest they be looked down upon as a bad friend. In this case, you may have ordinarily turned to your once-BFF because she is the person with whom you could share intimate feelings.

In terms of your questions, you need to be open with your friends in New Zealand and London about the proverbial elephant in the room. You don't need to spill details, bad-mouth a person who once was your friend, or feel embarrassed. Simply tell them that spending so much time together oversees and under stressful conditions, put a strain on the relationship and you grew apart. If any friends distance themselves because of this, they weren't really friends. Telling them in advance will put you in a stronger position than if you had said nothing and if they only find out about your tiff from your friend.

Regarding the matter of remaining Facebook friends, that's up to you. Over time, you may find that you and your uni buddy are able to reconnect and develop a different, less intense, type of relationship based on your shared memories and mutual friends.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about and don't need to leave town! While it was unfortunate that you had a "big fight," you were able to recognize that this relationship wasn't a healthy one and things have worked out for the best. Time will help you feel better once the breakup is out of the closet.

Hope this helps.

My best,
Irene