pain

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A college friend named Leah recently dumped me. I graduated but she's still in her final year. We live three-hours apart but we've met up about a dozen times since graduation in May. The last few times, she was very distant and seemed to actively avoid talking or being with me (we were always in the company of other people).

In October, after one such occasion, I texted saying I felt hurt and couldn't understand why she was cold and distant. She replied saying I was selfish, and didn't understand how tired she was after work and so forth. I felt guilty for saying anything at all and didn't initiate any contact for about three weeks. I sent her texts and called numerous times in November but she never responded. Just before Christmas, she answered one of my calls and apologized for having not been in touch sooner. She said that she would like to stay friends but we had to realize how different we both had become.

We celebrated New Year's Eve with a mutual friend and others and she went out of her way to ignore me and seemed hostile, making occasional snide remarks. When I pressed our mutual friend about it, she revealed that Leah had told her that "our friendship was over." This upset me and I confronted Leah about it. She shrugged it off and suggested we forget about it and not spoil the night. For a while after that, she replied to my text messages.

Then she stopped responding to my efforts to get in touch. I had always initiated contact over the past six months. Then I found out from a mutual friend that Leah had a party and didn't invite me. This was really upsetting so I called her. She didn't answer, but she responded to a message I sent her and confirmed what I didn't want to believe: That she no longer wanted to be friends because all we do is bicker. This has some truth to it because we don't always agree on everything but I have a feeling there's more to it than this.

I now have to hear about what's going on in her life (or snippets of it) from our mutual friend (we were BFFs and roomies in college) and it hurts me to think Leah could just dump me like this. I know friendships go awry when people move but it's only been a few months. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm wondering if I should write her a letter and see if she might be open to resolving or discussing our issues? I have little or no hope that we can go back to the way we were as friends but I want some sort of closure. Then we can go our separate ways permanently. I feel like I should try and contact her one last time to try to have a heart to heart. What should I do? I feel so hopeless.

Signed,
Karen

ANSWER

Dear Karen,

It sounds like your friend decided to cut off her relationship with you some time ago and you haven't yet accepted it. She's been cold and distant, and hasn't initiated any contact with you for months. Responses to your repeated calls and emails have been sporadic, at best. She's told you that she doesn't feel the same way about you as she did when you were in school together and told your common friend that your relationship with her is over. Is there anything else you really need to hear from her?

At this point, you need to take her at her word and put this friendship behind you. Regardless of the specifics of what caused her to change her mind---your graduation, the distance of three hours, or life style differences---your relationship isn't what it was.

Leah hasn't been forthcoming and direct so you can't expect to get closure from her. You need to put this friendship to bed on your own and just move on. You also need to tell your mutual friend that you aren't interested in hearing about Leah any more because the two of you have grown apart. Since you have mutual friends, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of bumping into Leah in a social setting. Figure out what you would say, in advance, so you aren't caught off guard. You might simply say something like---"Hello, it's good to see you. Hope things are going well for you"----being gracious, without going further.

It always hurts to be dumped without having any say in the matter but it will be less painful and you will heal more quickly over time if you take control of what you can, by making the decision to let go.

I hope this is helpful.

Signed,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I’ve read many of your posts regarding the breakup of female friendships and I am going thru one myself as we speak. Anna and I met two years ago at graduate school. A little over a year ago, I helped get her a job at my company and we become inseparable. We did everything together from going to dinner, the movies, and jogging at the park. Also, we spent a lot of time texting and instant messaging everyday at work.  

About three months ago, Anna had met a new friend, "Lisa," and I felt replaced. Little by little, I felt pushed aside and believe that Lisa had put a rift in the friendship between Anna and me. All of the sudden, Anna and I spent less and less time together as she made more time for Lisa. The two of them would go bar hopping, swimming, and yoga together...all of the activities that I do not enjoy but Anna likes.

So, one day after I dropped Anna off home from lunch, I texted her saying that maybe we should give our friendship a break because she and I have gotten into many small arguments within the last couple of months. I said that friendship is a two-way street and I was tired of working doing all of the work. So, she texted me back saying, "Fine and take care."

The next day, I felt badly about what I said and texted Anna saying that I was very sorry and hope that she could forgive for the angry outburst. Anna texted back saying, "There is no need for you to be sorry.” She was and had always been a b$$ch to me. She said that I needed a friend that could be there for me constantly, someone to listen to me, and someone to keep me company." Anna said that she feels badly but she cannot be that kind of friend to me and for me to take care. However, she still would like to be a work acquaintance. Nevertheless, this took place over 6 weeks ago and Anna and I have not spoken since. We often avoid each other at the office because things feel so awkward.

I’ve texted Anna several times since then, asking for a face-to-face meeting. I told her that I have and will always continue to value her friendship and would like to work things out with her. Last week, she answered back saying that our friendship just doesn’t work anymore and for me to move on with my life. She said that she has nothing to say to me. 

However, despite her response, I still feel the need to have one last face-to-face meeting. The break-up of our friendship clearly had more to do than just that one text and I want real closure. So, should I try to reach out to Anna one last time or should I just let her go? Seeing her every day at work and not speaking to one another makes it very painful for me.  I still want to reconnect with her and be friends once more.

Marcie 

ANSWER 

Hi Marcie:

What a painful and difficult situation! In addition to losing a close friend with whom you once spent a lot of time, you still have to face her (and her new best friend) at work. That really has to hurt!

You are correct---the friendship didn’t break up solely because of the text message (although texting generally isn’t a good way to handle sensitive discussions, as I’m sure you are now aware). But you were already seeing red flags that something was wrong: You were arguing with each other more and she was choosing to spend her time with Lisa rather than you. If Anna had wanted to, she could have brought you into their circle. She chose not to without any explanation or apology, even when pressed for one.

It’s infuriating when a decision to end a friendship is unilateral---and you aren’t the one who makes the decision. It is natural to feel hurt and angry, and to want some closure. Unfortunately, it looks like Anna isn’t ready to talk or discuss what happened. Anna may be more close-mouthed than you, in general, and have less of an interest in intimate relationships than you do. Whatever the reasons, she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to talk about your split and while you may have been close at one time, given what has happened, it doesn’t appear like you will be able to get over this rift.

You definitely need to back off at this point and involve yourself with other friends at work and outside work. There may be some truth to Anna’s accusation that you are too needy or perhaps you are only too needy for her. You need to dig deep into yourself and think about what you asked of Anna in the past to determine whether you need to set boundaries for your future friendships.

You will be able to achieve closure when you assume control of your circumstances. When you accept that the relationship is over, you’ll feel better about the situation and about yourself. As brutal as it sounds, this isn’t the first time a good friend has been dumped and won’t be the last. You deserve someone who will appreciate your kindness and sincerity, and whose personality and interests are in better balance with yours.

Focus on your work and maintaining a professional demeanor in the office. And try to forget about Anna’s relationship with Lisa: that will probably become history, too. It’s going to take some time but I promise, you will get over this trauma.

Let us know how it goes.

My best,

Irene