obsessed

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

I, too, have recently had a friendship break up with my bf. We both had a stressful year, I lost my job and she has had various stresses. She told me I was too intense, despite the fact that I tried not to call or ask her to go out too often. If I ever upset her, she went hysterical calling me names and screaming at me over the slightest thing.

I miss her terribly and told her so and that I could not stop thinking about her, like an obsession. However, my feelings are that of love for a friend nothing more. We are both happily married with kids. I think she misunderstood what I meant and is now completely ostracizing me-despite telling me she missed me too.

Is it normal to feel like this, so sad and unhappy that someone is no longer in your life? I'm very confused why I can't stop thinking about her. Our kids go to school together and it's making life very uncomfortable.

Signed,

Anonymous

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry that you're reeling from your loss and, yes, it's normal to feel that way when you lose a close friend. You took a risk and told your friend how much your relationship meant and she didn't reciprocate. In fact, she pushed you further away. Making it harder, she's someone you have to worry about bumping into at your child's school.

It sounds like both you and she have been under considerable stress and that the relationship had become quite volatile before this split. You both need a break from that intensity which probably wasn't fun for either of you.

You have less reason to be embarrassed that she does. Be cordial if you bump into her and say hello but don't build your life around hers. There may be more going on with her than you know about.

Try to put the relationship on indefinite hold and stop thinking about it. Spend time with your family and other friends. If you need support, it might even be a good time to read my book ☺---and don't be surprised if she comes back to you when her life calms down.

Best,
Irene

Dear Irene,

I've been a friend with someone for over two decades. She's intelligent, a good person and very honest, but since her first marriage fell apart and she remarried, all she does is complain about her current spouse. I tried asking her what she's going to do about this. She said she doesn't know.

It's gotten to the point where I dread seeing her because she just keeps talking about how her husband is unemployed, unromantic and always arguing with her. I feel sorry for her, but I've been avoiding her since she seems to be in a tape-loop when it comes to understanding that she needs to either do something about her marriage or leave it. Do you have any suggestions for getting someone to stop complaining?

Thanks,
M.

ANSWER

Dear M,

Your friend sounds like she's hurting and can't figure a way out of her morass. By the same token, it's hard for you to befriend someone who is totally self-involved. It has to be annoying to hear the same tape being played over and over!

If you are going to save your friendship, you need to be the one who precipitates a change in your relationship with her. Firmly tell your friend that she needs to discuss her feelings with a counselor or mental health professional. Her husband may need to speak to someone too. Tell her you understand what a big decision this is for her, but you really aren't in a position to advise her one way or the other.

Remind her that everyone needs to have balance in their lives and that she can't keep ruminating about her marital problems whenever you're together. When she begins talking about her lousy marriage, channel the conversation back to another topic. Don't be surprised if she remains stuck in this situation for quite a while---unable to decide whether to leave or to work on improving the relationship.

If she doesn't pause the non-stop tape after you try this, you may have no choice but to put your friendship on a sabbatical and spend less time with her while she is working through this problem.

I hope this helps!

Best,

Irene

LONGER THAN USUAL QUESTION:-)

Hi Irene!

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your website! I am going through a situation and desperately need advice! I have a very close cousin, Coralee, who I’ve basically grown up with like a sister and we’ve been friends most of my life. I am 28, and she is 37. About two years ago, I set her up with a co-worker of mine, a relationship that ended about six months later when he moved to California for another job. During the time she was dating him, I got pregnant. When my husband and I shared our exciting news at a family get-together, she stormed out of the room. I later learned from my co-worker that she was very upset and jealous. She felt that, at 35 years of age, she deserved to have a wonderful husband and to be starting a family instead of me.

When my daughter was three months old and I was getting ready to go back to work, my husband and I decided to move down the street from my parents, so my dad could watch her during the day. Coralee, my other cousin (Faith) and her husband, their parents, and my other aunt all live within about 10 miles of my new house. As a result, what was once an every-other-week get-together with my family, because we lived about 45 minutes away, is now 2 or 3 times a week. We have dinner at my house once a week, dinner at my aunt’s house once a week, and spend every holiday together.

My daughter is now 13 months old, and although Coralee was jealous and angry when I first got pregnant, she is now obsessed with my daughter. Before we moved, I only saw her at family functions and rarely one-on-one but she now sends me text messages and emails incessantly – 3 or 4 times a day and as late as 10:00 or 11:00 at night. And although she sees my daughter at least 2 or 3 times a week, it seems like it is never enough. She wants to come over on my days off, asks me every weekend if I want to go shopping or out to lunch, drops by at my dad’s house while he is watching my daughter, and at least once a month, “suggests” that my husband and I go out on a date so she can babysit. If I don’t respond right away, she sends messages like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me,” or “I haven’t heard from you lately…”

Last weekend, my husband, daughter, and I took a trip to visit my mother-in-law. During the course of this 4-day trip, Coralee sent me five text messages and called me twice, and when I didn’t respond right away because my battery had died, began sending messages to my husband, who was extremely irritated. He got another five text messages and one call from her and responded once to tell her we were safe and that my phone had died. She continued to send messages, saying things like, “I am having withdrawal,” and “I miss you,” and “You obviously don’t feel like texting.”

I chose not to respond because I knew it would lead to a very long string of texting that I didn’t have time for, considering I was already stressed making sure my daughter was fed, got her naps in an environment she was unfamiliar with, and didn’t break any of my mother-in-law’s things or toddle down the stairs. I also wanted to enjoy the vacation with my daughter and husband.

When we got home, I called my mom to ask for advice. She told me to call Coralee’s mom and see what she thought I should do. Well, when I called my aunt, as my uncle was handing the phone to her, I heard Coralee’s voice in the background yelling, “Why does she call you and not me?”

I didn’t realize Coralee was going to be over there for dinner when I called, so I was in a very uncomfortable situation at that point. My aunt went to the other room to talk to me, and I told her that things were getting really bad with Coralee and the texting and calling were getting to be too much. My aunt said she would talk to her that night. The next day, I emailed my other cousin, Faith. I am very close with Faith and explained what had happened on our vacation and my conversation with my aunt the night before.

This is not the first time Coralee has been told to back off. Faith has told her in the past that she is too needy (with me and with her other friends), and she often drops hints to Coralee that she should let us have some family time. As Coralee’s younger sister, she has always felt that Coralee is possessive of her, too. Coralee has been raised to think that she can have anything she wants. Her parents have never said no to her. So even Faith became like a doll that she could control.

As a result, she has very few friends and no significant other. She no longer has any hobbies, as she quit boxing and working out when she had a fallout with her trainer. She is a high school teacher and gets off work around 1:00PM with not much to do for the rest of the day. I feel like my daughter has become the only thing she looks forward to in her life.

I love Coralee, and I’m grateful my daughter has people in her family that love and support her, but I am becoming very angry about this situation. Coralee does not respect my time or space. She doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t always have time to be in constant communication with her. I just want to be able to come home, spend time with my daughter and husband, and relax and go to bed without feeling like I have another person’s needs to tend to.

With a one-year old, I barely have time to wash my own hair or shave my legs most of the time, let alone fulfill Coralee’s need for companionship. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is to come home from a 10 1⁄2 hour day at work after spending 40 minutes in heavy traffic and then feed, bathe, change, and put a squirmy wormy tired baby to bed every night, and then scarf down my dinner and collapse into bed. Of course I would not change having my daughter for anything in the world, but sometimes I just get exhausted, and it is HARD!

Coralee just doesn’t seem to understand that. On top of that, I don’t believe it is healthy for my daughter to have someone in her life, who is obsessed with her and thinks she can do no wrong. Coralee has often made comments that my daughter is “perfect,” and I don’t like the message that may send. Even though I have unconditional love for my daughter, I realize that she is just human like everybody else and will most definitely make some mistakes. If I treated her like she was perfect and could do no wrong, she might end up like Coralee, with an unhealthy view of herself and what a true balanced relationship should look like.

I know Coralee needs to see a counselor, but I also know if I were to suggest it, she would be livid and probably not speak to me for months. Although my aunt said Coralee’s embarrassed by this whole thing, she has yet to contact me to apologize since my aunt talked to her on Tuesday. How should I handle this situation without creating more of a rift in the family?

Frustrated yet hopeful,
Mimi

ANSWER

Hi Mimi:

Although you are fond of your cousin, you sound appropriately miffed at her jealousy, possessiveness and intrusiveness. Coralee hasn't been able to accept the changes in your life as you took on the new roles of a wife and then a mother.

But you haven’t done a good job either--in terms of establishing appropriate boundaries and communicating candidly with her about your own needs. Because she is so demanding, you may have to be very direct in setting limits about how often and how late she can call, for example, and about how much time she can spend with your daughter. Coralee shouldn’t have to hear this from her mother. You need to have a heart-to-heart with Coralee herself or this situation is going to fester to the point of a blow-up.

Another caution: Even if you are blunt, Coralee still may not “get it” first time around but at least you will have been forthright and given her the feedback she needs. Yes, she needs to get a life of her own and find other people and things she enjoys. Freeing up some of her time, the time she now spends on you and your daughter, may leave her holes that she will fill with new relationships and interests.

Being cousins as well as friends adds an additional level of complexity to your relationship. Even though your friendship has turned rocky, the fact that you have such strong family connections has kept you close. Since you appreciate and value the importance of kin, be careful to avoid a rift that could rapidly deteriorate into a family feud if other people are asked to get involved and take sides.

Since you are more whole than Coralee, extend the olive branch to her. Apologize for not being direct in the past. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the love she shows for your family but tell her in no uncertain terms that you need more time and space for you and your immediate family.

Let us know how things turn out.

Best,
Irene