mutual friends

Hi Irene,

I love your blog and read it all the time; you offer such great advice. Now I have some problems of my own and was wondering if you could help me. I‘ve had the same best friend for ten years; we went to uni together and even lived together after university. In January, we both decided to take a career break, traveling round Asia and New Zealand for a year and working as we went along. After a few weeks, our friendship deteriorated badly, partly because of the stress of spending every day together for two months and both of us feeling money/job pressures, etc. Also, lots of things happened that made me doubt our friendship and whether I could trust her.

We had a big fight and she moved out of our hostel, which was fine. By that time, we both had jobs and had met lots of friends so neither of us was on our own. I thought we would have a few weeks space and get back on track. But I haven't heard from her for six months and don't even know where she is living anymore. All I see are Facebook updates every now and then. The last read "Going to Fiji tomorrow." I don't know if she's living there or just went for a holiday.

I tried to message her twice on Facebook, to let her know I was willing to re-open communication but received no reply; that was five months ago. But I'm actually a happier person now the friendship is over. I realize she was more of a frenemy than a friend but I'm very confused.

1. So far I haven't said anything to our mutual friends except "I haven't seen her for a while. We're having space, etc. (nothing that could be seen as me being bitchy.)" But now it's been six months. Do I need to tell our mutual friends we've "split" (just so they know the score)? Currently it's like the elephant in the corner. No one mentions it; they all talk to me like normal, like I came out here on my own, and I assume they treat her the same.

2. What happens when I go home to London? - ALL our friends are mutual friends. Is it a case of whoever goes home first keeps the friends? Surely if she goes home first and tells them what a cow I am and gets her story in first then I'll have no friends to return to. Even if they don't get involved, they'll feel awkward about the situation and may distance themselves from both of us.

3. This girl is still my Facebook friend but won't speak to me. I know it seems petty but every now and again I think about deleting her. She wouldn't speak to me when I tried to patch things up. She DOES NOT deserve to be on my friends list but how will deleting her look to our mutual friends?

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm really worried as I might have to leave NZ soon and return to London and basically we shared everything - a house, friends, etc. Now I don't know how to return to that life without her...maybe a fresh start somewhere new is the only option.

Cheers,
Jenna

ANSWER

Hi Jenna,

It sounds like you had a great ten-year run with your friend and grew up together. After graduation many friendships unravel as people grow in different directions and get a better sense of the person they are or want to become.

Unfortunately, there is often stigma and shame associated with a friendship breakup because our society judges women by their ability to make and keep friends. Pop culture reinforces the myth that friendships should be forever so when a friendship falls apart, there is no one to turn to for support. Women fear if they tell others what has happened, especially men, it will be viewed as a catfight. They are reluctant to tell other women, lest they be looked down upon as a bad friend. In this case, you may have ordinarily turned to your once-BFF because she is the person with whom you could share intimate feelings.

In terms of your questions, you need to be open with your friends in New Zealand and London about the proverbial elephant in the room. You don't need to spill details, bad-mouth a person who once was your friend, or feel embarrassed. Simply tell them that spending so much time together oversees and under stressful conditions, put a strain on the relationship and you grew apart. If any friends distance themselves because of this, they weren't really friends. Telling them in advance will put you in a stronger position than if you had said nothing and if they only find out about your tiff from your friend.

Regarding the matter of remaining Facebook friends, that's up to you. Over time, you may find that you and your uni buddy are able to reconnect and develop a different, less intense, type of relationship based on your shared memories and mutual friends.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about and don't need to leave town! While it was unfortunate that you had a "big fight," you were able to recognize that this relationship wasn't a healthy one and things have worked out for the best. Time will help you feel better once the breakup is out of the closet.

Hope this helps.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend and I have known each other since high school. We went to college together and I was in her wedding. We both were in the same phases of life at the same time (engaged, newly married, etc.). I enjoyed having someone to talk to about these things since many of my friends aren’t married or even in relationships.

In high school, my friend never seemed happy unless she "bettered" me in some way. This died out once we reached college. However, when I got engaged, she began pressuring her then-boyfriend to get engaged as well. For a while, she and her now husband were our go-to couple friends. After a while, I began to feel that she was using us as her excuse to make her husband stop playing video games (his only hobby) and get out and do what she wanted to do.

A friend of ours began hanging out with the four of us. Then they began hanging out with him without us—talking about whatever they had done when we weren’t around, interjecting memories about a dinner together or movie they saw, with no real reason other than to mention that he hung out with them, without us.

This wouldn't bother me if I hadn't gone through this with her in high school. I thought we were grownups and well past anything like that. We began looking for a house about six months ago, and so did they. When we bought one, she was jealous but cloaked it with fake congratulations and feigned interest in every detail of the house. They bought a house a month later in the same subdivision. They are impossible to shake.

I feel as though her "friendship" is poison, making me the self-conscious, anxious teenager I was in high school. I don't like living this competition. I'm not looking to be lifelong friends with them, so how do I break it off now that they have infiltrated every one of our social circles and our neighborhood?

Signed,
Molly

ANSWER

Dear Molly,

Since you’ve decided you want out of this friendship, you need to act that way: If she wants to get together, make yourself less available both as an individual and as a couple. When she invites you for another round of competition, say something like, “I have so much to catch up on…” or “We’ve been so busy with….”

Above all, don’t initiate contact with her. Apart from shared history, your life and that of your high school friend are now interwoven by geography and common friends so it would be better to drift apart rather than make your distaste for her explicit. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable each time you see her (or make your circle of mutual friends uncomfortable). It may turn out that your children-to-be attend the same grade at the same school!

If you are consistent in your behavior, hopefully she will get the message that you are backing off. When you see her, simply say hello and acknowledge her with a smile but don’t go any further.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend’s one upmanship is an enduring personality trait that stems from her own insecurities so it isn’t likely to change. All you can do is change your own behavior.

My best,

Irene

Dear Irene:

I came across your blog tonight. I am thankful. I am feeling desperate for some advice. I became good friends with a girl in the same town where I live. We met in February of this year. We hit it off right away. We became super close really fast. Had the same interests, desires and goals. Our daughters are 2 weeks apart. She became part of my family. We spent hours together in person, by phone or email. We took a trip to California together with our families.

Off and on I noticed she would shut down and ignore me for days. No call back, no response to emails, no texting back, etc. I thought it was odd but didn't think anything of it at the time. She claimed she wasn't feeling well, she was having marriage problems, etc.-excuses. Her marriage has been rocky since day 1. She is only married for less than one year. She is currently pregnant with her second child. Her husband and she go to marriage therapy every other week. Their communication is horrible from what she says.

She claims I "yelled" at her all the time. She blew up at me over the phone one night the end of Sept. I was shocked! Not one time did she lead me to believe that things were bothering her. I knew she was either having a bad day or not feeling well. I kept my distance, but at the same time tried to reach out in case she needed anything. She would ignore me for days, not call me back, not answer emails or texts. After a few days, she would call and pretend nothing is wrong when truly she was ignoring me on purpose. She brushed things under the mat. She never communicated her true feelings. She bottled everything inside and finally blew up at me. I had no idea.

I was crushed, disappointed, hurt, angry, etc. I considered her like my sister. I thought the world of her. I could talk to her about anything. It was devastating to hear her accusations. I don't feel I ever "yelled" at her...that's just not me. I think she might be bipolar because she was either really happy (on the high side) and other times she was sad, not wanting to talk to anybody (low side). It was extreme.

I tried to contact her, but she does not answer her phone. I sent her an email asking her to forgive me (even though I don't feel I did anything wrong), but she said she is "happy with the way her life is."

The hardest thing is that we have lots of mutual friends. We are the coordinators of a local moms group. Everyone is starting to notice that we don't talk and ignore each other. What am I suppose to tell our mutual friends? I am not trying to get girls on my side, but it has been extremely difficult to keep this from others. I truly care about her. I loved her and her family. I gave her everything. I hurt. I think about her every day. I wonder how she is doing, but can't contact her anymore. She truly slapped my face and said she doesn't need someone like me in her life.
I don't know what to do. Please help! Any advice is appreciated.

Signed,
Hurt Friend

ANSWER:

Dear Hurt Friend:

It sounds like over the course of your friendship you have observed that your friend may be facing a number of challenges/problems-that have nothing to do with your relationship with each other, per se. You've noticed that she:

• Has marital problems (which could make her feel ambivalent about becoming pregnant a second time)
• Is pregnant (which could be playing havoc with her hormones)
• Is parenting a toddler while she is pregnant (which can be challenging when things are stable)
• Has communication problems (and, specifically, has a hard time talking about little slights until they escalate and become big ones)
• Tends toward mood swings (whether or not they are symptoms of, or fall short of, a diagnosable mental disorder)

The two of you became very close within a very short period of time, perhaps because of all you had in common. You became fast friends before you really knew one another.

But even if you had known her longer, you don't always know what else is going on in another person's life. As you describe your friend, she seems to be a very moody person who gets upset over little things and who has a hard time resolving conflicts. When you first met, either her mood may have been more stable or it may have been more elevated-which can make someone extremely likable and engaging. Then, over time, you began to see her roller coaster personality emerge.

You sound like a very caring, understanding and forgiving friend. You have done everything you could possibly do to mend the friendship. Your friend may or may not be able to appreciate the friendship she has lost. There may be other things going on in her life that are consuming her.

In terms of seeing one another (which you inevitably will, if you live in the same town and have a child the same age) and handling your failed friendship with your mutual friends, my advice is:

1) Always act cordially to your friend when you meet (smile, nod or say hello).

2) Don't make any further efforts to mend the relationship unless your friend extends herself to you. Even if she does, be cautious and careful because the same thing may happen again.

3) If you are close to these mutual friends, you can say (one-on-one) that the two of you had a small tiff that you couldn't resolve. They will understand because this isn't that unusual.

4) Don't provide any details. Say it's nothing you want to talk about because you feel like it would be a betrayal. They will respect you for that.

5) Try to do things with other women so you have less time to think about the failed friendship. You deserve someone who is able to appreciate you.

Despite the hurt and pain, you just need to move on. With time, you will heal. Everyl friendship don't last forever, even the best of them.

Best wishes,
Irene

Dear Irene,

I have experienced a catastrophic rift with my friend of over 10 years. "Em" and I met in college, and we've been through lots of life changes since then. Over the years, I've introduced her to all of my friends and she has become a fixture at our social gatherings.

Our relationship began to sour after I met my husband a few years ago. She is resentful that he has "replaced her" and that I am happy in life while she goes through a series of failed relationships and failed jobs. I feel increasingly that I can never do enough to be a good friend to her.

So, after she said some profoundly hurtful things to me, I decided the best thing to do is make more room in my life for my healthy friendships and relationships. The only problem is: I don't know what to do about our mutual friends. I have no intention of telling them to choose sides, because that would be childish. But I fear that she will sabotage those friendships, and I don't know how to go about protecting them while I remove her from my life.

This Thursday, there's a joint birthday party for two mutual friends. We have both RSVP'd. What do I do?

Signed,

Anonymous in Virginia

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous in Virginia:

Of course, you should go to your friends’ birthday party. You may feel a bit uncomfortable but it won’t be too bad. Just say hello to “Em” and focus your attention where it should be---on the Birthday Girls.

Friendships change as our life circumstances change. If you met your friend ten years ago at college, consider how you’ve changed and grown since then, and all the other changes that have taken place in nearly every other realm of your life. Isn’t it natural that the nature of the friendships you need and enjoy might change as well? As one example, you met “Em” before you met your husband. Prior to that, as two single women, you may have had more in common and therefore, you may have been more patient in catering to her whims and neediness.

Now that you have insight you have no choice but to break lose. Over time, connections between close friends become tangled like vines. Friendships that begin as twosomes extend to relationships between families and groups---and the risk of collateral damage after a breakup is real.

While you may suffer some losses, my hunch is they won’t be significant ones. If “Em” is grating, she probably is just as grating on your mutual friends. (She may even be worse without you as a buffer.) Your true friends will remain your friends.

Forget the hurtful things “Em” said and let go. If anyone at the party asks what happened, say that you drifted apart without going into details. If “Em” goes on to intentionally sabotage your mutual friendships, smart women will see right through her.

Like you, even couples who split---married or not---have legitimate concerns about subsequent fallout. But if you recognize your relationship with “Em” is toxic, you have no choice but to go forward with the split---or at least a friendship sabbatical.

Please get the word “catastrophic” out of your head. Yours is not the first friendship to fracture and yours won’t be the last. The relationship with “Em” was a good one when it was more reciprocal. I know that the change still feels painful but you have lots of supports in your life and things will smooth out over time. Let me know how it goes and thanks for reading my blog.

Sincerely,

Irene

Do you have a question about female friendships that is bothering you? Please write me at Irene@fracturedfriendships.com and I’ll try to answer as many of them as I can.