moving

Written by Rachel Bertsche, MWF Seeking BFF chronicles the author's search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love. In her engaging daily posts, Bertsche reveals anecdotes from her quest, shares resources for meeting new people, and wonders about modern-day friendship conundrums. MWF Seeking BFF the book will be published by Ballantine in early 2012.

Today's guest post by Rachel is the fourth in a weeklong series of posts on The Friendship Blog celebration of The Month of Friendship.

 

After two years of waiting for a local BFF to emerge in my new hometown of Chicago, I've decided to go out there and find her.

 

On Tuesday, I was reminded of exactly why I've been forcing myself to ask out potential friends, despite how desperate it can sometimes feel. I was at my favorite boutique, just a block away from my apartment, looking for a dress to wear to an upcoming rehearsal dinner. Well, that and I've been trying to befriend the manager since I moved here.

 

We've become friendly enough in the time that I've been frequenting her store. The weekend I went wedding dress shopping, I showed her a picture of my potential gown for an "objective" opinion. She's told me about planning her sister's bridal shower. She knows what clothes work best on my body and can perhaps get me a discount on said outfits. She'd most certainly fill my fashionable BFF opening.

 

For a while, before I threw caution to the wind and started asking every potential BFF to dinner, I was too embarrassed to invite her to hang out. What would I say? "Hello I have no friends! Will you take pity on me?" Uh, no thanks.

 

But now that I've been at this a while, I've gotten more comfortable in the art of the asking. Like anything, it gets exponentially easier with practice. And the breezier you are (Remember Monica on Richard's answering machine? "I'm breezy!" I channel this often...) the less awkward the exchange. I promise!

 

So I went into the store in the middle of the day on Tuesday, and Manager and I were the only people there. After trying on a few dresses, I bought an adorable little black number.

"So do you work every Tuesday?" I asked her at the register.

"Yup."

"I was wondering... I work from home on Mondays and Tuesdays, and it can get really quiet and isolating. Would you want to get lunch sometime? It'd be nice to get out of the house for a little."

 

Manager was so excited. "I'd love to! I really would." She went on to tell me that she always meets really great people at the store, but she feels like she has to wait for to other person to make the move. "Otherwise, you could be like ‘why's the salesgirl asking me to lunch?' It's unprofessional."

 

This had never occurred to me. She's all 7-feet-tall and impossibly thin and pretty. The idea that maybe she wanted to be my friend too, that maybe something was holding her back never crossed my mind.

 

So we exchanged numbers and we're going to have lunch. It could maybe even become a weekly-ish affair. I have a good feeling about this one.

 

The small-but-significant exchange was an important reminder of why, when we meet someone with BFF potential, we should just go for it. Everyone wants pals. We're constantly worried that people will think we're weird for making the first overture toward friendship, but more often than not the other person is flattered. Thrilled, even.

 

And there could be a million reasons why she hasn't tried befriending you. Once Manager explained it to me, it made perfect sense that she'd have professional concerns about trying to befriend a customer. But I never would have thought of it on my own.

So this month, why not resolve to finally say something to the would-be friend you've been eyeing in yoga class/the grocery store/the office. What's the worst that could happen? No, seriously, what?

 

If you missed them, I hope you'll take a peek at the other guest posts from my blogging buddies that appeared this week, one by Debba Hauppert of Girlfriendology.com and another by Shasta Nelson of GirlfriendCircles.com. Tomorrow's guest post will be from Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop of GirlfriendCelebrations.com!

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I've been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship. When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn't reciprocate.

 

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn't scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

 

In both cases, I've come to recognize that we've changed as people, and don't share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life. If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past - so I don't want to drop them altogether.

 

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed? I've known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn't it healthy to talk things out?

 

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I'm still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

 

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We're both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn't age 21) so we're taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it's the first time she'll "cut loose" in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I'm feeling anxious that we're not as compatible now as we once were. I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

 

In both cases, it's a question of how to acknowledge change. The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

 

ANSWER:

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it's tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

 

While you hope you'll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar. Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

 

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you "confronted" her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don't like the term "confront" because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

 

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it's fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

 

In the case of Friend # 2, she's realized it's logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she's immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends' getaway to celebrate your friendship.

 

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you're both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

 

Yes, it's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship---or to even understand the transitions in the middle. It's easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no "right" way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit--- "right" depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

 

It's hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn't ask---but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Here are a few prior posts on The Friendship Blog on the topic of moves and their impact on friendships:

The sadness of moving and leaving a BFF behind

Hard to say goodbye: Ending a 20-year friendship

A friend's unexpected move

 

What strategies have you used to stay close with friends who iive far away?

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Over the course of my life I've had two or three best friends, relationships that ended for one reason or another. Although I have a good marriage with a wonderful man, I've always felt incomplete without a best friend. Four years ago I bonded with someone who had been an acquaintance for years, and we are BFFs today (we are both 60). We spend every Monday together, from noon till 3AM or later, and share so much. It's like being roommates for that one day, and she has my full attention.

 

Two years into our BFF-hood, my friend showed rapidly worsening symptoms that turned out to be non-remitting (progressive) multiple sclerosis. We have coped with that together and still do so every week. My dilemma is this. Years ago my husband and I used to travel around in an RV and loved it. In a couple of years he will be in a position to take larger chunks of time off again and we want to buy another motor home and travel. Even though this isn't going to happen immediately, I already feel guilt about leaving my BFF for long periods. She has come to depend on me for so many things, not just physical but emotional. I really worry that she will spiral downward when the time comes for me to spend 100% of my time with my husband.

 

BFF has acquaintances but no other close friends. Her family is far-flung and not close, and her MS has caused most people to cultivate an arms-length relationship with her. I don't think this is a common situation but if you have any insights or advice I would be receptive to hearing them. How can I prepare myself and BFF for the changes that are to come? I can't stand the thought of losing another best friend.

Thanks,
Lisa

 

ANSWER

Dear Lisa,

You are anticipating the loss of---or, at minimum, major changes in a very special friendship. Your anxiety is understandable because whatever the circumstances, it's always hard to move on and leave close friends behind. You're also beginning a new phase of your life, one outside of your own comfort zone, which is somewhat akin emotionally to an adolescent leaving the nest.

 

Perhaps, you and your BFF will no longer be Monday "roommates" but there is no reason why you can't still remain friends. You can stay connected through emails and phone calls, and you can schedule face-time together when you come home between your periods of travel. You can even send your BFF picture postcards (remember them?) so she can experience your travels vicariously.

 

Have you already spoken to your BFF about your impending travels? If you haven't, you should openly share your concerns and anxieties with her. I'm sure that she will understand that there are many twists and turns in relationships as our lives change, and you'll both feel better after having the talk.

 

While your BFF won't be able to depend on you in the same way, let her know that you'll be there for her. Perhaps you can also help her line up supports (either in-person or virtual ones) through a local chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society or other community organizations. You're right: Having a chronic illness or disability is challenging and making friends under those circumstances can be difficult. But I suspect others will see the same person whose strengths you have grown to admire.

 

At the same time, begin to think about the adventures you'll have on your trips and all the new friends you'll meet on the road.

Hope these thoughts are helpful.

My best,
Irene

 

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Rachel Bertsche left her oldest and dearest friends behind when she moved to Chicago for love. Now that she's settled in the Midwest, she's on the hunt for a new best friend. She says if there were no such thing as online predators, she'd post a want ad on Craigslist: "MWF Seeking BFF: Must live in Chicago. Must not bring her dog to lunch dates. Fluency in Entertainment Weekly preferred but not required." Instead, she's doing it the old-fashioned way-getting out there and introducing herself to one potential Bestie at a time. Her blog, www.mwfseekingbff.com, chronicles her quest. MWF Seeking BFF, the book, will be out in early 2012.

 

(Rachel is the woman in the middle of the picture with her high school friends.) Thanks, Rachel, for contributing the guest post below. We can't wait to read your book!

 

For as long as I can remember, I've surrounded myself with best friends. In fifth grade, there were seven of us. We called ourselves LYLAS (Love Ya Like A Sister). We wrote on each other's binders and sang obnoxiously loud to En Vogue's "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" during recess. Senior year of high school, I shared a yearbook page with my four closest friends. Nine years later we took a "Senior page!" picture at my wedding. By the first quarter of my sophomore year of college, I could have told you whom I'd live with when we were seniors. When that time came and we all moved into a house together, people started referring to us by our address. "Is 1113 coming?"

 

Despite this, or perhaps because of it, whenever a change is on the horizon the fear of feeling friendless is my foremost concern. The night before I left for college, I tiptoed into my parents' bedroom, as surprised as they were by the tears I couldn't get under control. I'd been eager to head off to school since I was 16-it'll be like summer camp!-and suddenly the idea of not finding the perfect group had me inconsolable. I found dear friends, of course, as we all do that first year on campus. There's nothing like dishing about mid-terms, frat parties, finances and drama-filled romances (I thought we were a couple! Turns out we were friends with benefits!) to forge lifelong friendships.

 

So when my boyfriend and I moved to Chicago to end the long-distance aspect of our relationship (he'd been in law school in Philly, I was working in New York), the fact that I didn't have Besties in the Windy City wasn't lost on me. Almost all my close friends, including two lifelong BFFs, were in New York. But by 25, I'd had enough experience meeting new people that I'd figured a new set of best friends would emerge naturally. Besides, after three years away from Matt, all I cared about was that we were in the same zip code. I'd deal with the friends part later.

 

Almost three years later, it's, well, later. Matt and I are married. We have great jobs, an apartment I'll never take for granted after living in an East Village six-story walkup, and close family blocks away. We've set up a life as close to perfect as I could have imagined when we concocted this plan, except one thing. I never did deal with the friends part.

 

As it turns out, the post-college, pre-baby phase is the exact wrong time to make new BFFs. The workplace may be a relationship breeding ground, but after spending five long days together, the weekends seem to be reserved for those you can't eat lunch with at the office cafeteria. The friends I'm looking for are of the grab-Sunday-brunch-at-the-last-minute variety. Women I'll call to say, "Do you have an outfit I can borrow for tonight?" or "Want to grab a drink?" or "I'm in your neighborhood, can I come up?" I want someone to sit and analyze every potential purchase, awkward run-in, and celebrity debacle that took place that week. I've met plenty of women I could email to set up dinner in a month, but if Matt has to work late on short notice, I've got no one to invite over to watch Glee.

 

Lifelong friends can't be replaced, and no matter who I find (or don't find) in Chicago, my closest friends will always be my closest friends. But BFFs can be supplemented, because no matter how great a heart-to-heart over the phone is, there's something much less isolating about bonding face to face.

 

I've accepted that college is over and BFF bonds are no longer formed over dorm room fries or Wednesday night study groups. If I want a local best friend, I'm going to have to go find one. As with the hunt for anything that's lost, my search starts now, with a single question: If I were my BFF, where would I be?

 

Any suggestions for Rachel? Feel free to post them below!

When Amanda Blain, now 29, graduated and moved from Toronto to Ottawa, Canada, she began working in a series of male-dominated technical IT careers. Although she considers herself outgoing, she found it difficult to find and make new friends with each new situation or life change. So three years ago, she decided to tackle the problem head-on---for herself and other women. She created a new start-up, Girlfriend Social, to harness the power of the internet to help women make new girlfriends. Since its official launch about one year ago, more than 1800 women have signed up for the site from all over Canada, the USA, the UK and even Australia.

 

"I saw a need for a place where women could go and connect, and knew that I had the ability to create it," says Blain, who has a background in web design and internet marketing. Women pair up with new friends based on the information they post. "With a few simple clicks, you can match with other women in your local area who have kids the same age as yours or who love the twilight book series as much as you do," she says. After women connect online, Girlfriend Social creates opportunities for them to meet face-to-face in safe, friendly event settings that are designed to bridge the connection from online to the real world.

 

According to Blain, the primary target audience for the new social media site is women who fall in the "M3" category. They include women who have Moved, Married, or are Mothers---but the site attracts women of all different backgrounds and situations who, for whatever reason, feel like they want to have more friends or want to find a new best gal pal. The sponsored monthly events held so far have included pub nights, dog walks, scrapbooking get-togethers, bowling nights, rock climbing, movie nights, and a lobster dinner. "This makes meeting several people at once easier and more relaxed if you're a little shy," she says.

 

"Although there are many social networks online, most are designed to deal with business networking, dating, or connecting with people you already know," says Blain. "There are very few sites that connect new friends or that are for trying out new hobbies." Use of the site is free, with the costs underwritten by event and webpage sponsors. Blain recently moved to southern California from Canada and is working on expanding the site to major cities in the U.S.

 

P.S. In addition to GirlfriendSocial.com, several other social media sites that encourage and facilitate platonic friendships among women include GirlfriendCelebrations.com, Girlfriendology.com, GirlfriendCircles.com, GirlfriendsCafe.com and SocialJane.com. Each site has different features.

 

Caveat: Always check out any site on the internet before you sign up and be cautious in providing personal information to people whom you don't know.

QUESTION

Irene,

 

I have spent countless hours trying to understand what happened to my friendship. I'm 63 and Donna is 67. We met at work and shared the same office for about ten years. Donna talks about herself and her problems constantly. Whenever anyone would come into the office, she would monopolize the conversation. Over the years she has told me every personal detail about her kids' drug problems, her kids' marriage problems, that her son that wanted to give up his parental rights to his ex-wife, about her mother's problems, and about her husband's medical problems (he's been quite ill for the past year). I could write a book.

 

Before I retired more than ten years ago, my husband and I purchased a 100-acre parcel bordering her and her husband's property. We built a house, business and barns. Donna and her husband are equestrians but only have 2 acres for their horses. After listening to her talk about her horses, riding, and horse camping for many years, I purchased a horse. For the past 12 years, Donna, her husband, and I have been trail riding on our property together at least twice a week. Donna and I also belong to ladies' riding group and ride together at least 4-5 hours every Tuesday.

 

In June, James and Donna went to visit their son in Lexington. When they returned, they talked about how their son and daughter-in-law couldn't wait for them to leave after the visit. I said, "It would be better if you lived closer and you wouldn't have such long visits." They insisted they weren't ready. During the summer, we continued to ride and they never talked about moving. She did drop comments like "I won't be planting my greenhouse next year" and "James won't be getting wood" and "We won't be able to keep the horses." I assumed James was very ill or maybe she was. Although I was worried about them, I didn't want to ask.

 

Just before they went back for another trip, Donna called and said they had been looking for property, had found a lot on the internet, and would be moving so James could be near their son. I said, "I understand, but I will sure miss you." They left to purchase the property and I went on a weeklong camping trip with several of the gals that ride together.

 

Our rides with Donna and her husband generally lasted about two hours with her talking all the time. James and I can't get a word in edgewise. The rides are always at 1:00 or 1:30PM. If I say I would like to go at 2:30, she says, "No, we need to go earlier." It's her way or the highway.

 

When she called to ride after they returned, she started talking about the nice property they bought, a neighbor she couldn't wait to meet, etc. She went on to say how it was up to her to make sure that all the paperwork was in order. She said they were waiting for a call from the title company and would be going back to Lexington to sign papers. She said, "I caught a huge error when we purchased the lot in June and it fell through."

 

Then I realized she had purchased property in June and hadn't told me until now. I asked why. She said in a very controlling rude voice, "That is my personal business I thought you would be upset". I literally gasped. I said, "I'll see you on the ride" and hung up but didn't go that day and I haven't been on a ride with them since then. I was almost hysterical. My husband said to forget it, but he is a man and doesn't understand.

 

She hasn't called and I haven't either. I see her every Tuesday to ride with the girls. The first time I saw her after the phone call, she came over to my trailer to give me an apple for my horse. I could tell by her face she was embarrassed and didn't know what to say. I thanked her and that was it. I didn't talk to her on the ride. I just can't get past her hiding the fact all summer that they were moving.

 

The worst part of this is I do miss her. Twenty years of friendship is a long time. Also, it is very uncomfortable on Tuesdays with the other gals. They know we aren't talking to each other. I am not friendless. For the past 8 years, I've been riding and camping with another couple and another lady. We go on week camp trips as a foursome. I have other close friends: my bridge partner, my walking partner, etc.)

 

I expect an apology for her rudeness, but that hasn't been forthcoming and I don't think it will be. I feel betrayed. What is your evaluation of this entire scenario of the end of a friendship?

Thank you,
Cara

 

ANSWER

Cara,

 

You sound pretty ambivalent about your friendship. You enjoyed working, riding, and being with Donna enough to sustain a twenty-year friendship but you also are saying now that you could barely tolerate her incessant chatter, rigidity, self-centeredness, and controlling nature.

 

It is definitely strange that Donna felt comfortable to share so many intimate details of her family's life with you but decided that telling you about her impending decision to move was too "personal." I'm also confused why you never asked your friend to explain the comments she made during the summer suggesting that there were going to be major changes taking place in her life. How could you just ignore her comments?

 

I think you are both having a very difficult time ending a long-term friendship that you both enjoyed. My guess is that Donna is upset about her husband's illness and their need to move, about all the changes that are taking place in her life, about her inability to control everything going on around her, and about moving away from you.

 

I think you are feeling a tremendous sense of loss as well that feels like a betrayal. To justify your feelings, you are remembering more negative than positive things about her. You would not have kept the friendship going for so long if it wasn't worth its weight in gold. You have other friends but this was a special friendship that was life changing in terms of all you shared together and because it introduced you to the equestrian world that you now enjoy so much.

 

Don't stand on ceremony waiting for an apology. Allow your friend to have made a mistake in not being explicit. She's leaving and your relationship will be changing as a result. Instead of ending it on an ill note, tell her that you really will miss her and that you hope you can still stay in touch. Not only will this type of reconciliation allow you to feel more comfortable with your friends who are remaining, it will allow you to feel more comfortable about yourself.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

I have a friend who was my closest friend for about seven years. Recently, my husband and I moved to town to be closer to her and her family, along with some of my family, too. At first, everything was perfect; we spent nearly every day with each other, had dinners together, went shopping together, and became closer than ever. A few months after the move, things became complicated.

For the past seven years, she and I were basically one another's only friends; we didn't really spend time with any one else. I met another girl my age and really hit it off with her. When this new friend decided to move closer to us, my husband and I began to help her and her husband pack up their house and move. During this time, we all became sick with the same sinus infection. Since my friend was pregnant and I was sick, I let her know I was sick and didn't want to share my illness with her, but I also continued spending time with my new friend, since we both already had the same cold.

As time passed, I started to see that my old friend wasn’t calling as often, that she was avoiding my calls, and that we weren't invited over anymore. I called twice a week for several weeks to let her know I missed her and wanted to see her again, but received no response. Then, the day before moving day for my new friend and her family, I received an email message. The message informed me of how neglectful I had become and that she expected to never see me again once the other friend moved to town.

She basically pinned large amounts of blame on me. Instantly, I contacted her and left a message, which she responded to by calling me back. We talked and I thought everything had been worked out. I still call her several times a week to try and make plans, but I keep getting responses about how her life is so busy and her husband has to work late, so we can't get together. I've even gone so far as to try and plan things weeks or months out into the future and even then I get the response, "We don't have anything planned, but something might come up." I feel like I'm being pushed away and I don't understand why. What am I doing wrong?

Signed,
Living on Rocky Road

 

ANSWER

Dear Living on Rocky Road,

A seven-year friendship has to hold many memories so I can understand how painful and tense this situation must be for you both. It sounds like your friend had gotten used to being your one-and-only and is having a hard time sharing you with another friend. You’ve tried to be sensitive to her feelings and have made several efforts to open the lines of communication between you but she hasn’t been able to get over feeling “jilted.” You aren’t doing anything wrong, in particular, but your friend is feeling very hurt.

It sounds like you care about her and value the relationship. So approach her directly and ask he if she is backing away from you. Tell her you have no intention of replacing her; she is still very special to you. Offer to spend time together as a twosome or as a threesome with your new friend, whichever she would prefer. Ask her if she is fatigued or concerned about her pregnancy. If she doesn’t respond, you may need to step back and give her time to work her problem through on her own.

You may want to read another recent post on the blog: Does a 'best friendship' need to be monogamous? It points out the different ways women think about fidelity in their friendships with other women.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

First, thank you for a wonderful website. Second, I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I have a higher need for interaction than most people. I’m turning 40 and when my husband mentioned throwing me a birthday party I realized I have no dear friends to invite. I have never known anyone that I would call a “best friend” and was painfully shy and awkward growing up.

I know many women very superficially. Over the past 20 years, three people have told me that I come across as polished/sophisticated and that it is threatening to others. That has never been my intention and I am not trying to cultivate that image, in fact, to combat it I work at being self-deprecating and watch what I wear to casual events with women I would like know better.

I would like to have friends to go out to a dinner/movie/coffee with 2-3 times per month. Is that unreasonable? I’m at the point of thinking maybe it is. We moved five years ago to a new state and have one child. I’ve tried to organize coffee meet-ups with other school moms, most of whom do not work outside the home, and my invitations have either been entirely ignored, I am asked who else is attending, or I get a “not sure if I can make it, if I can I’ll meet you there.” There are two school mom cliques and I can’t seem to get into either, and it’s been four years. While they are polite, neither my child nor I am asked to participate in their group activities, e.g. a week at summer camp or weekend visits to vacation homes.

I tried to organize a dinner group with neighborhood women and it never materialized. I went a handful of times to a neighborhood gardening club and one woman there clearly had a problem with me as I was on the receiving end many times of her verbal jabs and putdowns. I finally had enough and didn’t return.

Two other women have actively pursued being my friend. One came on very strong and frankly felt like a stalker; the other brags constantly, which I have no interest in listening to. During this same four years, I’ve developed very superficial friendships with six women. Only two of them have ever issued an invitation to me for anything, I’ve always asked and they’ve always agreed. I changed jobs two years ago and invited a few women at work out for coffee/lunch. Two people took me up in those two years and they’ve never invited me again even though we work together peripherally.  

For added measure, my husband and I have no couple friends that are our age – and never really have. All couples that we’ve gotten to know and gone out with have been from his work and are generally at least 10 years older than us. I am very thankful for these relationships, but it strikes us as odd and we can’t figure out why we don’t have any couple friends our age. Sounds like I’m having a pity party here, but maybe I should just start to be happy with what I have.

Thank you,
April

ANSWER

Dear April,

Thanks for reading my blog and posting. It sounds like you’ve done all the right things to nurture friendships with other women. Like you, I’m having a hard time understanding why you aren’t connecting. Yes, you’ve moved and changed jobs over the past five years, but it sounds like your friendship problems started before that.

A few thoughts/questions come to my mind: What are the people like in your community and at your workplace? Are they very discrepant from you in terms of their educational, cultural, ethnic or religious backgrounds? Are these people of your ilk? Perhaps, the differences between you and them are challenging to overcome—and perhaps you or they aren’t accepting or tolerant of differences.

You shouldn’t have to be self-deprecating and to dress-down to garner friends. Best friendships come easily when women feel comfortable being themselves—warts and all. Perhaps it’s your uneasiness in being yourself that other women find off-putting.

Forming couple friends is always a dicey prospect. Instead of two people having to get along with each other, the complexities are multiplied when spouses are involved. Just because two female friends are close doesn’t mean that their spouses will feel the same way about one another. So it’s great that you’ve made couple friends through your husband’s work.

I sense that you feel like you’ve tried very hard to make close friends and feel like you have failed. Would you be comfortable asking your husband what he thinks? He knows you and your situation over time; he is also the person who is most familiar with the cast of characters, and may be able to offer you new insights. Two other alternatives would be to confide in one of the women you feel closest to and to ask her advice, or to seek help from a counselor or therapist. With your motivation and sophistication, I’m certain your problem can be resolved with the help and objectivity of a trusted third person.

Best wishes,
Irene