mothers

Although it's sometimes hard to accept, life never evolves like a fairy tale. Journalist and author Irene Zutell's latest novel, Pieces of Happily Ever After (St. Martin's Griffin, 2009), sensitively captures the inevitable struggles that women encounter along the way, including: infidelity, divorce, balancing care for children and parents, juggling work and family, growing up, achieving independence, losing friends and making them.

 

You'll meet protagonist Alice Hirsch, a PR guru, who is married to Alex, an entertainment lawyer. They have a precocious five-year-old daughter and Alice is the primary caregiver for her mom, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When Alice's husband suddenly dumps her, very publicly, for a Hollywood starlet, she has to find a way to dig herself out of her problems and repair her damaged self-esteem. With the support of her "mommy friends," a cast of equally interesting and well-developed characters, Alice is not only rescued but finds she is able to define her own "happily ever after."

 

Set in California's San Fernando Valley, this story could well take place in any middle-class suburb. This particular backdrop provides a vehicle for the author to weave comic relief and celebrity culture into a thoroughly engaging and entertaining storyline. The well-paced plot offers a perfect blend of familiarity and surprise to grip the reader's attention from beginning to end.

 

Of course, I loved some of the lessons the book offers about mommy friendships---e.g. That woman need to actively forge new friendships as our lives change; that office friends can turn out to be nothing more than that; that we need to guard against judging friends too critically before we know them; and that adversity often helps us recognize our true friends. While friends and lovers play prominent roles in the book, its layered depiction of mother-daughter relationships is especially compelling.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

Every mother knows how tough middle school friendships can be for young women. Dara Chadwick is a freelance journalist and writer who spent a year chronicling her Weight Loss Diary for Shape Magazine. That experience and her interviews and discussions with her readers led her to reflect on the effect that mothers have on their teen and tween daughters' body image and sense of self. She wrote You'd Be So Pretty If (Da Capo Lifelong, 2009) to help shape her daughter's "future relationship with her body" and that of other young women.

 

An entire chapter (Chapter 7) of this engaging book is focused on "Mean Girls and Frenemies." Since middle school can create many friendship challenges for young girls who are becoming women, I was delighted to talk to Dara about some of her findings.

 

Q. Why do young women focus conversation and gossip on each other's body size and shape?

 

In middle-school, especially, I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Everybody's body is changing, and they're all changing according to their own timetable. Some young adolescents look like grown women, while others still look like little girls. At this age, it's natural to worry and fret and wonder if you're normal. Gossiping is a way to find out.

 

Another characteristic of young adolescence is to not want to be different - to not want to stand out - from your peers in any way. Girls seek reassurance that they're OK and that they're just like everybody else. Finally, for some girls who are truly insecure, gossiping and "body bullying" is a way to assert power and dominance - to secure your place in the pack, so to speak.

 

Q. How do moms and the media contribute to this problem?

 

The media floods girls with enhanced and digitized images of models and of their favorite celebrities. Naturally, these images can cause girls to think that they can and should look like these enhanced images do. It's so important for moms to help girls realize that these images aren't real. In my book, I talk about teaching girls to look at media images the same way they'd look at art in a museum.

 

Sure, an image may be beautiful, but it's just a representation of one photographer or one magazine's idea of what beauty looks like. It's not a real goal that girls can attain with enough effort or self-control. It's also helpful for girls to see the level of re-touching that goes on in magazines. The Dove films at Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty are a great conversation-starter about what's real and what isn't.

 

Q. How can moms help build resilience among their daughters who will face these challenges?

 

It starts with being accepting of and kind to your own body. There's no denying the importance of friends in a young tween or teen's life - peers are a huge influence. But moms shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that they're no longer important. Our daughters are watching us and listening to the things we say about ourselves.

 

The thing that most surprised me in talking to the girls I interviewed for my book was how beautiful they think their moms are. Now, imagine how she feels when she thinks you're beautiful, but you do nothing but put yourself down. Not only is it hurtful, it's also teaching her not to trust her own feelings about what beauty is. Speaking kindly about your own body and treating it well with healthy eating and exercise also gives her permission to do the same for herself. From you, she can learn that it's OK for a woman to like her body. I think it's important to watch the way you talk about other women and girls, too. Snarky comments, criticisms or even compliments based purely on appearance or weight loss send a message to girls.

 

Q. What were some of our own memories of adolescence that you brought to the book?

 

Eighth grade was hands down the worst year of my adolescent life. My daughter is in eighth grade now and it's been fascinating to watch how her experience is unfolding. For me, I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I've always had curves and muscles, but I so wanted to be like my friends who had more boyish frames. In retrospect, my discomfort with myself often came across to others as aloofness, and I struggled with that at times.

 

By high school, I'd lost quite a bit of weight and found my niche on the cheerleading squad. But the weight loss didn't bring the body confidence I thought it would. I remember once that on career day, a representative from a modeling agency came in and spoke. There was a girl in my class who was quite tall and very pretty. The representative asked her to walk across the room, which she did with absolute grace and confidence. The representative then asked, in a totally smarmy voice, "Are there any cheerleaders in this room?" All heads turned to me immediately and she asked me to get up and walk across the room, too. I knew I was being made fun of and I remember it as being one of the most uncomfortable body image moments of my life. The outward appearance of cute little cheerleader didn't match the inner feelings. I try to remember that disconnect when I'm talking with adolescent girls.

 

Q. Under what circumstances should moms intervene in an obviously toxic teen friendship?

 

If your daughter is being teased, excluded or "toyed with" for lack of a better term, I think it's important to help her see that the behavior is really about the "friends" who are treating her this way and not about her. One of the best things you can do is help her develop multiple friendship groups so she can see that with her own eyes. If school friends are behaving badly, having other friends at dance class or at basketball who like her and treat her well helps her make that connection.

 

It can also be helpful to talk with her about what might be behind their behavior (for example, are they jealous? Not feeling good about themselves?), but only if it's something she's interested in talking about. Mostly, moms can help by being a sounding board if she needs to talk, by supporting her efforts to develop healthy friendships and by sharing stories of their own adolescences - if she wants to hear them, of course.

Have a friendship question? Ask the Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

It is always interesting to discover the universality of female friendships. That’s why (with her permission) I wanted to post this Facebook message that I received from Carolina Asuquo-Brown.

By way of introduction, Carolina studied American literature and psychology in Germany and in London and now practices psychotherapy in Frankfurt, Germany. She is especially interested in communication and its breakdowns, and how this affects human relationships—especially female friendships.

She has a blog on friendship and relationship issues (although it’s in German).

Hi Irene,

After speaking to my girlfriends, what emerged from these conversations is my theory on friendship circles. Apart from the introversion/extroversion aspect that dictates whether women gravitate to dyads or circles, it could be age that determines whether you feel more or less drawn towards groups.

I am an introvert myself, but as a teenager and student I still enjoyed friendship circles more than I do now. The women I spoke to and I enjoyed the group thing but always had one or two significant friendships within the larger circle.

Once we hit our late 20s though, almost everyone has experienced the return of the dyad, including me. I now prefer having one-on-one friendships where my friends have little or no connection with each other (I was thrilled to read your stuff on friend poaching; that’s actually the phenomenon that made me go off the circles!).

Maybe as we age, we move in different directions and the initial homogeneity we find in say, groups of high school friends, is no longer existent. I think that that contributes to what women characterize as  “talking behind others backs, cattiness, jealousy“ etc.,” as another lady writing on your Facebook wall put it.

Rivalry might also come into play since many women still find themselves in “either or“ situation when it comes to important life choices. (At least here in Germany –maybe it’s a cultural thing, and sometimes I do feel we are a bit behind.) As a woman you often get the impression that you can only be one OR the other and that the choice you make is the most important determinant of who you essentially are:  a mum or a professional, single or in a relationship. Some women tend to fight pretty hard against the “other” concept, maybe because it signifies the path not taken.

A far as I can tell from my experience and that of my friends, that is one reason why circles tend to be less harmonious the older we get and more issues like jealousy and putting down the other's choices creep in. I just had to write, as this is so much on my mind at the moment and I am still thrilled that and how you deal with female friendship issues.:-) Love your work and am looking forward to the book coming out!

Carolina

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I am a person who has learned to value my female friendships. I've always tended to prefer a one-friend-at-a-time, with a lot of intensity, type of friendship. But it is something I can't seem to find.

Briefly, I had a relationship like the kind I want with a woman who continues to feel like a friend/sister. My "best" friend was someone who lived close by and we had a sister-like relationship (even though I have two sisters!). She felt the same about me and I know she would be there in a heartbeat for me as I would for her. However, she lives three hours away and isn't fond of chatting on the phone.

I have two other friends whom I care about, one who lives 20 minutes away, who both seem totally engrossed in their own lives and rarely contact me. We get together about twice a year. We all have kids who are fairly close in age. One of them was in a serious car accident and I really went out of my way to support her through that time. I find myself resenting that I am the one maintaining the contact and seem to be the one who is "into them"- wanting to go out/get together, to do girls’ nights out, etc.

I can't seem to get the friend thing down without a lot of emotion, longing for more yet not being skillful enough to find it. I am forced to socialize with other parents that I like well enough but can't seem to take any of them to the next level. I get so frustrated that others have a knack that I do not. P.S. You can probably tell that I am not good at small talk! LOL! What I'd like to know is what do others have, what is it that I am missing?

Thanks so much- any ideas will be appreciated.

Starrlife in New England
starrlife.wordpress.com

ANSWER:

Dear Starrlife:

Your situation is actually a very common one: You’re yearning for a best friend and don’t have one at the moment. Friends move (like yours did); get involved in new careers; have children; have fertility problems; get married, divorced or widowed---there are numerous reasons why even very close friendships are prone to change over time. Although you are separated by geography, it’s nice that you have a close friendship to hold up as a measure for the kind you are seeking.

Not to make light of it, finding a best friend is like finding a buyer for a house: You only need one. Your current acquaintances, or mom-friends, are important relationships even though they miss the best-friend mark. Finding a best friend involves 1) meeting someone new, and 2) giving the relationship time to grow and become more intimate---by sharing additional layers of your selves with one another.

You need to create opportunities to find ways to meet new people. Can you get involved in organizations or activities in your local community? Do you have any hobbies? Can you take a continuing education class? Can you join a gym? Are you passionate enough about one political candidate or another that you would like to work on a campaign? Are you involved with the parent teacher association? I realize that your child or children may be young so this will entail finding childcare---either your husband, another relative or a babysitter---for one or two evenings a week. If you need a rationale for yourself---a happy mom is usually a better mom.

In short, you need to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people. I have no doubt that eventually one or two of these relationships will “stick” and grow into the type of best friendship you want.

Best,
Irene

In this week's Baltimore Jewish Times, journalist Amy Landsman wrote an article called, We're friends, our children aren't. She describes some of the challenges of balancing mom friends and kids friends.

It begins: You’re pregnant! And so is your BFF! Instantly, you dream about play dates, outings around town, even vacations that your growing families can share. And for a few years, that just might happen. But one day, the kids get that independence thing going, and little Johnny or Susie announce they just don’t like little Hannah or Joshua. What do you do?...

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to add my two cents, Amy! You can click the link above to read the article. What do you think?

 

 

Some of the most painful and unexpected girlfriend breakups occur during the roller-coaster middle-school years. Alexa Young’s engaging new teen novel, Frenemies (HarperTeen, 2008) is a book that moms will want their daughters to read in preparation for this rude awakening. The book tells the story of two eighth-graders and BFFs, Halley Brandon and Avalon Greene, who have always agreed on everything. But after spending a summer apart, they’ve changed—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually.

Alexa graciously agreed to answer my questions about her book.

Why did you decide to focus this series on middle-school girls?

Because my editors made me (!)—but with very good reason. After all, middle school is arguably the time when female friendships can really start to unravel, largely because girls go through so many life-altering changes during those years. Obviously, there are all the puberty-related physical and emotional changes, as well as all sorts of new social and academic pressures. It’s also the time when most girls really start to break away from the familiar voices of authority in their lives, to develop a more independent outlook and pursue new friendships, romantic interests, ideas about what they want their future to look like. All of these things can cause huge shifts and upsets with the people we’re closest to—and that’s what the FRENEMIES series is all about: Growing up and changing and drifting apart (and then lashing out at the people closest to you in really inappropriate ways!). Obviously, these issues don’t stop once you make it through middle school, but the tween years are typically when it all starts and when every tiny event in your life can feel like the biggest deal EVER. If your friend doesn’t invite you to spend the night, your crush doesn’t notice you, you don’t get the must-have outfit or get to go to the biggest party of the year…YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE OVER! It really does feel that way. I know it did to me.

Why are female friendships so turbulent during this period?

Again, I think it has a lot to do with all the changes we go through and how much that can feed our insecurities as well as spark a lot of envy and jealousy. Some girls may be developing more quickly or slowly than others, some may be getting involved in romantic relationships, some may be exploring new ways of expressing themselves—whether in the way they choose to dress or by making new friends or joining new clubs and pursuing sports or other extra-curricular activities. Some may be taking their academics more seriously than they ever have in the past. All of these things fuel a lot of excitement as well as confusion, self-doubt and—potentially—a whole host of awfully dramatic mean-girl maneuvers between supposed “friends.” Speaking from personal experience, I was horribly self-conscious about the fact that most of my friends went through puberty in middle school while I was still waiting for all those “developments,” and that they were all starting to “go out” with guys while I was pretty nervous and awkward around the opposite sex. I was a real late bloomer, and seeing all my friends advancing in physical and social ways sparked plenty of self-doubt. On the other hand, I began to flourish academically and in extra-curriculars, which helped to balance me out but definitely took me in new directions as far as my friendships were concerned.

How can a pre-teen or teen tell a frenemy when she meets one?

I think the red flags are there no matter what your age. There are the obvious acts of betrayal, like talking behind your back or stealing your boyfriend—but I don’t think those are nearly as common as some of the more subtle ways a frenemy shows her true colors. That might include talking about herself but never taking the time to listen to you; only coming to you when she needs or wants something; not supporting your interests or goals; becoming threatened, jealous or envious—rather than excited for you—when things are going your way; constantly trying to one-up you; disappearing whenever you need her (e.g., when she gets a “better” offer to do something with someone else). Most important, it’s a feeling you get when you’re around her: You don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t like who you are, you don’t feel confident being yourself around her, you feel drained rather than energized after spending time with her.

What are the lessons you try to teach in this book?

I’m actually not trying to teach any lessons at all. I think the moment you make a conscious effort to convey a particular message—at least in a work of fiction—it winds up backfiring because it’s only going to come across as preachy and moralistic. As my editors say, “You’re not writing an after-school special!” Particularly when you’re writing for teens, they’re going to see right through that kind of thing and run screaming for something less obvious. So all I’m really trying to do is tell the story with humor and heart. That’s not to say there aren’t deeper messages in there, though, because I think there definitely are—they just weren’t messages I consciously tried to deliver. Some of the takeaways that I think (hope!) shine through: That insecurities can drive us to do absurd things to the people we care about the most in our lives—and that that can be awfully unproductive; that it’s okay to pursue new interests and express yourself in new ways, and that people who’ve truly got your back will support you; that if you’re feeling threatened or uncomfortable or hurt around your friend, you need to explore those emotions—possibly with her—rather than lashing out and making the problem worse. I think the book illustrates what not to do a lot more than what to do, though! I guess that’s why, ultimately, it comes across as fairly light and humorous with subtle messages woven in, when all is said and done.

Can frenemies ever really turn into besties at the end?

It really depends on the nature of the relationship and what’s causing the tension. If one friend betrays or hurts another in an unforgivable way, then I think it’s going to be awfully hard to get past that. However, if it’s a matter of two people drifting apart and pursuing different paths, I firmly believe they can be best friends again—if and when their paths and interests and lives converge again. It may take years, even decades, for them to find that common ground…but I absolutely think it’s possible.

How can moms help their daughters learn to navigate female friendships?

Wow. Great question. As a fairly new mom myself, I think the biggest thing all parents can do—no matter how old their children are—is to lead by example. A mother who has loving, supportive female friendships in her life is probably going to do a great job of raising a daughter with the same. Beyond that, I think moms can encourage their daughters to pay attention to how they feel when they’re around their friends, and to honor those feelings and instincts. As I mentioned before, if your daughter feels insecure or unhappy or unable to be herself in the presence of her friends, that’s a major problem and something that needs to be addressed—most likely, she needs to make some new friends. Another really important message Moms can reinforce: Don’t view differences between yourself and other girls as a sign that any of you are doing anything wrong. All relationships are about the right fit—so if you don’t connect or click with a particular person, that’s doesn’t have to mean one of you is any better than the other…it just means you’re not meant to be friends. Emphasize that everybody is different—not better or worse.

About the author: Alexa Young spent the first several years of her professional life working in the music industry and subsequently worked as an editor for the now-defunct teen magazine JUMP, as well as for SHAPE magazine. As a freelance writer, she’s contributed to a number of national consumer magazines, including Marie Claire, O: The Oprah Magazine and Family Circle. She holds a bachelor's degree in Literature/Writing from the University of California, San Diego, and lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband, son and dog. FRENEMIES is her first novel. The second book in the series, FAKETASTIC, is scheduled for a January 2009 release.

Preteens tend to worry. Why? As they’re simultaneously growing into awkward new bodies and tackling the social challenges of middle school, they’re also victims of the emotional roller coaster created by their fluctuating hormones. With these stressors, it’s a difficult time for kids well as their parents.

Preteens tend to be tight-lipped---preferring to share secrets with their friends over their parents---so it’s natural for moms, dads and teachers to wonder what they worry about. A new KidsHealth KidsPoll was designed to provide some answers. The January 2008 poll surveyed 1,154 kids between the ages of 9 and 13, looking at how much they worry and what they worry about.

By far, the largest proportion (86 per cent) worry “almost all the time” or “a lot” about someone they love. They also worry about tests and grades, the future, their appearance, and making mistakes---in that order. But 1 out of 4 worry about their friends “almost all the time” and a third of them worry about friends “a lot.” In fact, friendships ranked among the top 8 of 20 pre-teen worries.

One implication: Moms need to talk to their daughters about female friendships and share their wisdom and experience about the fragility of these relationships. Particularly during these pre-teen years, we need to help cushion the blow when our daughters are excluded from a clique at school or camp, or when they are inevitably rejected by one of their Besties.

 

The poll was conducted by KidsHealth.org, a web portal that provides health information for children.