mothering

QUESTION

Irene,

Jordan and I have been best friends since our first day of college 20 years ago. Over the years, we both married (me=happily, her=constantly teetering on the edge of divorce) and had children. I had my children several years before she did, and she was always incredibly supportive and understanding of my new obligations and priorities, while longing for a child of her own.

 

Three years ago, Jordan had a daughter. I have tried to support her in all the ways she supported me though those baby/toddler years, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to do. We live many time zones apart (different continents) and the onus of our friendship has gradually shifted so it is now entirely mine.

 

Whenever I pick up the phone, she spends the entire call (which is always scheduled in advance) dealing with her 3-year-old. She recently hung up on me in the middle of a "crisis" because her daughter was angry that she wasn't coloring with her. She has mentioned that she never talks to any of her other friends anymore, either, which leads me to think that I'm not the only person feeling frustrated. I have tried instigating emails, but get fairly unsatisfactory replies (two sentences back to my two pages) though she always mentions how much she misses me and wants to talk. The only time it actually happens, though, is when she's having an emotional emergency.

 

I understand and support her love for her daughter, but I'm tired of feeling like our friendship has turned into a one-way street. I know that she focuses on her child so much, in part, because her marriage is very unhappy. While I don't think this is healthy for either of them, I don't want to interfere with her parenting (her other friends and family have told her that she needs to start setting limits and it hasn't made a difference, anyway--though she has cut those people out of her life to a great degree). I do, however, want my friend back--at least occasionally--but I can't figure out how to talk to her about it without immediately putting her on the defensive. Any thoughts?

Signed,
Missy

 

ANSWER

Dear Missy,

Your friend Jordan is struggling with a tough situation at home: She's simultaneously dealing with a challenging child and an unhappy marriage. While her friends and family sound well intended, it's probably naive to think that all her domestic problems can be resolved by merely setting limits with her daughter. Some children can be challenging to parent for a host of different reasons.

 

By virtue of her circumstances, Jordan isn't in a position to be the same friend to you that she once was but you shouldn't take her inaccessibility personally. Without cutting her off, you may need to scale back your expectations for the time being and get involved with other friends. It's common for the balance of a relationship to swing in one direction and then another over the course of a long-term friendship.

 

Imagine how your best friend feels when she compares her life to yours, which seems so peaceful and perfect. Cut her some slack and be a good listener rather than joining the chorus criticizing her parenting skills. You might also suggest that she seek professional counseling to help her better cope at home. Finally, ask her if it would be easier for her to initiate phone calls when she has the time and focus rather than have you run the risk of calling during another crisis.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

When Amanda Blain, now 29, graduated and moved from Toronto to Ottawa, Canada, she began working in a series of male-dominated technical IT careers. Although she considers herself outgoing, she found it difficult to find and make new friends with each new situation or life change. So three years ago, she decided to tackle the problem head-on---for herself and other women. She created a new start-up, Girlfriend Social, to harness the power of the internet to help women make new girlfriends. Since its official launch about one year ago, more than 1800 women have signed up for the site from all over Canada, the USA, the UK and even Australia.

 

"I saw a need for a place where women could go and connect, and knew that I had the ability to create it," says Blain, who has a background in web design and internet marketing. Women pair up with new friends based on the information they post. "With a few simple clicks, you can match with other women in your local area who have kids the same age as yours or who love the twilight book series as much as you do," she says. After women connect online, Girlfriend Social creates opportunities for them to meet face-to-face in safe, friendly event settings that are designed to bridge the connection from online to the real world.

 

According to Blain, the primary target audience for the new social media site is women who fall in the "M3" category. They include women who have Moved, Married, or are Mothers---but the site attracts women of all different backgrounds and situations who, for whatever reason, feel like they want to have more friends or want to find a new best gal pal. The sponsored monthly events held so far have included pub nights, dog walks, scrapbooking get-togethers, bowling nights, rock climbing, movie nights, and a lobster dinner. "This makes meeting several people at once easier and more relaxed if you're a little shy," she says.

 

"Although there are many social networks online, most are designed to deal with business networking, dating, or connecting with people you already know," says Blain. "There are very few sites that connect new friends or that are for trying out new hobbies." Use of the site is free, with the costs underwritten by event and webpage sponsors. Blain recently moved to southern California from Canada and is working on expanding the site to major cities in the U.S.

 

P.S. In addition to GirlfriendSocial.com, several other social media sites that encourage and facilitate platonic friendships among women include GirlfriendCelebrations.com, Girlfriendology.com, GirlfriendCircles.com, GirlfriendsCafe.com and SocialJane.com. Each site has different features.

 

Caveat: Always check out any site on the internet before you sign up and be cautious in providing personal information to people whom you don't know.