money

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Last October I discovered that my only sister, who is two years older than me, has been stealing the money I send to take care of my mother in Mexico. She was managing a property I have in Mexico. The rent had always been used to pay for our mother's expenses. My sister didn't deny what she had done when I confronted her by email.

Because she refused to return the papers (the leasing contract and the legal papers tenants have to sign in Mexico), I couldn't collect the rent and had to sue her to get them back. She did it out of meanness; she knows very well that these monies have always been used to pay for some of my mother's expenses. She doesn't need the money either.

Not only I am hurt---but I'm furious that after stealing the money, she isn't helping financially or taking care of our mother. I have to do it all from 2,000 miles away. It is so unfair that she has washed her hands completely even though my mother adores her and was such a good and responsible mother. I can't understand or explain my sister's behavior, which is baffling, unsettling and infuriating.

I try to detach myself but then, every day I have to deal with one more problem with the employees or pay for additional expenses and it is hard not to be mad at my sister. I do biofeedback and relax every night, which helps, but the anger is still there. I also started a blog to deal with these feelings.

I know you talk about friendship but in many ways a sister is (should be) like a close friend, isn't it? Do you have any suggestions about how to deal with this anger and frustration?

Signed,
Carmen

ANSWER

Dear Carmen,

It's been said many times: We choose our friends but we can't choose our family. As nice as it is to have a sister who is also a close friend, it sounds like your relationship with your sister has spiraled downward. When a relationship between siblings goes awry, it is especially painful because it's someone with whom you've grown up and have shared so many firsts. It's understandable you would be disappointed: Your sister abused your trust and seems to feel no obligation, as you do, to provide for your mother.

Although your sister is living in Mexico and you aren't, it's clear that you can't depend on her either as a property manager or as a caregiver. Unfortunately, you need to sever your business/financial connections with her and arrange for the money from the leased property to go directly into a bank account under your control.

Your first priority has to be overseeing your mother's care. You can't force your sister to do so or to contribute financially, so this leaves you only two choices: either to move your mother closer to you or to make proper arrangements to protect her health and safety where she is. Despite the expense and inconvenience, you may have to travel to Mexico to assess what's happening and put a better plan in place.

If you do go, your sister may realize just how much you care and decide she wants to pitch in too. It will also give you the opportunity to talk face to face. If that doesn't happen, your relationship with her may have to be placed on a back burner. She will have to live with her own decisions.

I don't fully understand the pressures that led your sister to feel so alienated from you and your mother but, unfortunately, this situation is more common than you would imagine. She may have problems you don't know about, either emotional or financial, or may simply resent being the one on the front line.

The best way to reduce your anger is to use your energy to resolve the caregiving crisis. Additionally, journaling, blogging, and biofeedback are all helpful techniques for reducing stress. I especially hope you have a friend---who is more like the sister you wish you had---to provide support to you during this difficult time.

My best,
Irene

Have a friendship question or dilemma? Ask The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com.

Dear Irene,

A friend of mine spends a lot of money on gifts even when it's not a special occasion. She is not wealthy and her husband recently confided to my husband that they need to downsize soon in order to pay off debt.

She surprises me with clothing, jewelry, expensive spa services, etc. and insists on paying for everything even when I try to pay my half. Last summer for my 50th birthday, she surprised me by planning an entire weekend, paying for everything including breakfast, lunch, a movie, drinks at happy hour, dinner and topped it off with a night's stay at an expensive hotel for me and my husband!

Everything is always "I have a surprise for you." I never get to know the details until it is time for it to happen. I do not reciprocate these expensive gifts/surprises and feel very uncomfortable accepting things from her that I don't need, I don't want and don't even use! What do I say to her without hurting her feelings? Please help!

Signed,
Marcy

ANSWER

Dear Marcy,

As heartfelt as the expressions of affection may be, they sound inappropriate and over-the-top, particularly given your friend's financial situation. Do you have a sense that your friend is insecure in her relationship with you, and wants to "buy" your friendship by showering you with expensive gifts? Or perhaps, does she seem to be a compulsive spender, who always lives beyond her means and her gifts to friends are symptomatic of a larger problem?

In either case, you need to tell her firmly that the excess makes you feel uncomfortable-because it does, and that it isn't good for your relationship. Reassure her that you value her friendship and tell her that you appreciate her generous nature, but you want to handle gifting in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. You might even establish a reasonable dollar limit together for upcoming birthdays and holiday gifts, and agree that there should be no significant gifts in-between.

If this is a persistent problem over which your friend has no control, she may have a spending addiction. Talking with her might help bring it out in the open so she can seek help.

Hope this is helpful!

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

I am glad so that I found this blog! Anyway, here is the deal: I have this friend. We completely hit it off when we first met (she worked with my husband). She got laid off from my husband’s company but we both put effort into our friendship. She got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl.

Then we met up with a bunch of people at Tahoe for a little getaway. I forgot some stuff (totally my fault) and she brought it back for me. Then I couldn’t get hold of her for two months. I finally got my belongings back and we still hang out (albeit a little less). She and her husband are struggling financially. He quit his good paying job because he hated it (which is understandable) but ever since this has happened, she has put little or no effort into our friendship.

There are so many things one can do with her daughter that are cheap/free. The last few times we hung out to do errands she became abrasive when the subject of money was brought up. Even getting pissy if I don't take her financial advice.

Over the last few months she has canceled everything I have suggested to do and has not extended an olive branch to me to hang out. She did, however, invite me to her daughter’s first birthday. I really don't get how she is behaving. It's like if it isn't a big event having to do with her kid she isn't interested. Thoughts anyone?

Signed,
Jacuzzi Girl

ANSWER

Dear Jacuzzi Girl

It sounds like your friend is going through a rough patch financially---and probably emotionally, too. The two often go hand in hand. Put yourself in her shoes: She has a young child, no job, and an unemployed husband. She might really be struggling just to stay afloat.

Give her some slack. Try to understand that she has every reason to be edgy, self-involved, and depressed over her situation. Inviting you to her daughter’s birthday was her way of reciprocating and telling you that you are a friend. But she doesn’t have the energy to socialize and get outside of her situation. If you are thinking about another weeking in Tahoe, you may need to look to someone else as a playmate.

Step back, give her some time, and try again. See if there are concrete ways you can help her (perhaps, with job leads for her husband or babysitting to give the couple a break). When you are together, don’t talk about money unless she brings up the subject.

I don’t know whether she is a good or lousy friend but she is certainly in a lousy situation.

Best,

Irene

QUESTION

Irene,

I had a wonderful friendship with a female friend for the past five years. But, our friendship ended recently due to her being angry at me for cancelling my plans to attend her concert last Sunday.

My son's birthday party ended up being on the same day, so I felt that my family comes first. I made the mistake of requesting that she reimburse me for the cost of my ticket for the concert. Now, she won't return any of my voice mail messages, even though I let her know that I was sorry and that I value our friendship. I even invited her to have lunch at my home so that we could talk. I can't just show up at her doorstep, yet I feel a big void and want to re-connect with her.

She sent me a note that said that I "conveniently forgot" to pay her for a concert that we went to three summers ago. Had she reminded me, I would have gladly paid her the money I owed her. But, it was purely an oversight on my part. Her other note said, "Have a good life...I'll be praying for you." Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt when I read it.

Should I just let it go and accept the fact that our friendship is over, or should I continue to try to contact her? She has given the "silent treatment" to someone else that used to be her friend, too

Signed,

Renee

ANSWER

Dear Renee,

It sounds like there is something inherently wrong with this friendship. A solid friendship would never end over this misunderstanding alone.

How could a friend be so self-centered to expect you to attend her concert rather than your son’s birthday party? Whether or not she is a mother herself, doesn’t she understand how you feel about your son?

How could you ask her to reimburse you for the tickets when it was you who changed your mind? And didn’t you expect that she might be disappointed? Asking for the money back was insulting.

How could she seethe for three years about money she thought you "conveniently forgot to pay her" without saying something soonerr?

You both need to think about whether this is a friendship worth saving. And you can’t make your friend talk to you if she isn’t able to or doesn’t want to.

For now, let go and give the friendship a break. If you want to clear your conscience, send her the money you owe her.

If she approaches you again, you can try to talk candidly about what happened. If that doesn’t happen, it’s over. I hope this is helpful. Let us know what happens.

Best,

Irene

Any major life change--including an unexpected job loss or other threat to economic security--can increase the risk of a once-close friendship falling apart. As such, the global recession is challenging untold numbers of female friendships. In the first of a two-part series, I interviewed journalist Emma Johnson, who covers money and finance topics for MSN.com and other national publications, to find out her thoughts on this topic:

In the current economic climate, where job loss is rife, how can getting a pink slip or being furloughed challenge friendships?

Women can be very competitive with each other. Traditionally women have competed for male attention and loyalty. The species depended upon it. The more women's sexual partners were loyal to them, the better off the women and their children would be since men were the breadwinners and women had few economic opportunities.

But the game is different today. We compete in other areas of our lives, including professionally. Even if we aren't in direct professional competition with our girlfriends, that rivalry can still be there. Of course it isn't always the case, but it often is, and worst of all, most of the time we don't realize it.

So if two friends are engaged in even a friendly contest about who's ahead in her career, a layoff can give the other woman the edge in this unspoken game. That can create resentment from the unemployed party--who is already distraught about her new economic situation.

How can women minimize the risk of losing their friendships if one friend is spiraling downward economically?

I'm a big fan of talking it out, though all the psychology experts don't agree with that. If the employed friend can say, "I'm so sorry you are going through this. What can I do to be supportive?" Then, give her friend some time to think about what she needs; that can go a long way. Likewise, the unemployed friend might need to talk to her friend and say, "I'm really worried about money right now. Would you mind if we find some less expensive ways to spend time together until I get back on my feet?"

There are other things to think about. Unemployment and financial worries are top factors in stress, sleep loss and depression, which can take a big toll on one's overall well-being, including their relationships. If everyone is aware of the realities of the situation, tough times can strengthen friendships. But the working friend needs to be willing to be supportive, and sometimes the friend in the tough situation needs to allow themselves to be vulnerable and cared for.

To be continued...

Emma Johnson is a New York journalist who writes about business, finance and money topics for publications including the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Entrepreneur and Psychology Today. Her series on MSN  Money, "Jump Start Your Life," explores money topics for people in their 20s and 30s. 

*A version of this post appears on The Huffington Post

Dear Irene,

Someone please help. E-mail me a response. I have a friend that is about to be my sister-in-law; her wedding is in two weeks. She takes and takes and TAKES from me because I can’t say NO!

I’m fed up and don’t know how to tell her. She has me sending out invitations, baking and decorating her cupcakes and the groom’s cake for the wedding, helping her with the music and there’s no telling what else is yet to come. If I try to say NO, she twists it and keeps pressuring me until I give in. Oh, and I’m her maid of honor. We had to pay for our own dresses and my husband had to pay for his shirt---that’s over $100.00 already. I paid to give her a luau shower and I helped out with the bachelorette party.

The last straw was when my husband didn’t pay for his shirt because we spent over $50 (the price of the shirt) on necessities for the cakes...he just wanted to call it even. Now she is calling me, crying and upset trying to get me to pay for the shirt!!!

Signed Megan

________________________________________

Hi Megan:

This is just the beginning of your relationship with your once-friend who morphed into a sister-in-law---so you need to set realistic boundaries for the future about what you feel comfortable doing for her and what you don’t. For example, you shouldn’t feel like you have to spend more money on her than feels comfortable for you or that fits within your budget---no matter what she thinks she deserves or is entitled to. She may think that now that you are relatives, she can ask you for anything and everything.

As time passes, if you keep acquiescing to every favor the Queen of Favors asks of you, as you have seen, she will continue to ask for more. You may need to speak to your brother to give him a heads up and to ask for his help in giving the message to his bride-to-be that you are starting to feel like a patsy. You don’t want to blindside him and create conflict between the newlyweds by taking on his wife without letting him know.

That said, weddings are always times of great angst for brides and their families. I think that now isn't the time to begin to say NO for the first time or to try to change your sister-in-law-to-be. Be gracious until the wedding is over and let her enjoy her special day. Then stick to your guns.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,

Irene

A writer colleague, Victoria Clayton Alexander, sent me this picture. The tote bag was given to her friend on the occasion of the recent opening of a new Yoga studio in her neighborhood.

Serendipitously, an intriguing new study, forthcoming in the Journal of Socio-Economics, provides evidence that friends ARE more important than money when it comes to achieving happiness...