moms

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I came across your blog tonight. I am thankful. I am feeling desperate for some advice. I became good friends with a girl in the same town where I live. We met in February of this year. We hit it off right away. We became super close really fast. Had the same interests, desires and goals. Our daughters are 2 weeks apart. She became part of my family. We spent hours together in person, by phone or email. We took a trip to California together with our families.

Off and on I noticed she would shut down and ignore me for days. No call back, no response to emails, no texting back, etc. I thought it was odd but didn't think anything of it at the time. She claimed she wasn't feeling well, she was having marriage problems, etc.-excuses. Her marriage has been rocky since day 1. She is only married for less than one year. She is currently pregnant with her second child. Her husband and she go to marriage therapy every other week. Their communication is horrible from what she says.

She claims I "yelled" at her all the time. She blew up at me over the phone one night the end of Sept. I was shocked! Not one time did she lead me to believe that things were bothering her. I knew she was either having a bad day or not feeling well. I kept my distance, but at the same time tried to reach out in case she needed anything. She would ignore me for days, not call me back, not answer emails or texts. After a few days, she would call and pretend nothing is wrong when truly she was ignoring me on purpose. She brushed things under the mat. She never communicated her true feelings. She bottled everything inside and finally blew up at me. I had no idea.

I was crushed, disappointed, hurt, angry, etc. I considered her like my sister. I thought the world of her. I could talk to her about anything. It was devastating to hear her accusations. I don't feel I ever "yelled" at her...that's just not me. I think she might be bipolar because she was either really happy (on the high side) and other times she was sad, not wanting to talk to anybody (low side). It was extreme.

I tried to contact her, but she does not answer her phone. I sent her an email asking her to forgive me (even though I don't feel I did anything wrong), but she said she is "happy with the way her life is."

The hardest thing is that we have lots of mutual friends. We are the coordinators of a local moms group. Everyone is starting to notice that we don't talk and ignore each other. What am I suppose to tell our mutual friends? I am not trying to get girls on my side, but it has been extremely difficult to keep this from others. I truly care about her. I loved her and her family. I gave her everything. I hurt. I think about her every day. I wonder how she is doing, but can't contact her anymore. She truly slapped my face and said she doesn't need someone like me in her life.
I don't know what to do. Please help! Any advice is appreciated.

Signed,
Hurt Friend

ANSWER:

Dear Hurt Friend:

It sounds like over the course of your friendship you have observed that your friend may be facing a number of challenges/problems-that have nothing to do with your relationship with each other, per se. You've noticed that she:

• Has marital problems (which could make her feel ambivalent about becoming pregnant a second time)
• Is pregnant (which could be playing havoc with her hormones)
• Is parenting a toddler while she is pregnant (which can be challenging when things are stable)
• Has communication problems (and, specifically, has a hard time talking about little slights until they escalate and become big ones)
• Tends toward mood swings (whether or not they are symptoms of, or fall short of, a diagnosable mental disorder)

The two of you became very close within a very short period of time, perhaps because of all you had in common. You became fast friends before you really knew one another.

But even if you had known her longer, you don't always know what else is going on in another person's life. As you describe your friend, she seems to be a very moody person who gets upset over little things and who has a hard time resolving conflicts. When you first met, either her mood may have been more stable or it may have been more elevated-which can make someone extremely likable and engaging. Then, over time, you began to see her roller coaster personality emerge.

You sound like a very caring, understanding and forgiving friend. You have done everything you could possibly do to mend the friendship. Your friend may or may not be able to appreciate the friendship she has lost. There may be other things going on in her life that are consuming her.

In terms of seeing one another (which you inevitably will, if you live in the same town and have a child the same age) and handling your failed friendship with your mutual friends, my advice is:

1) Always act cordially to your friend when you meet (smile, nod or say hello).

2) Don't make any further efforts to mend the relationship unless your friend extends herself to you. Even if she does, be cautious and careful because the same thing may happen again.

3) If you are close to these mutual friends, you can say (one-on-one) that the two of you had a small tiff that you couldn't resolve. They will understand because this isn't that unusual.

4) Don't provide any details. Say it's nothing you want to talk about because you feel like it would be a betrayal. They will respect you for that.

5) Try to do things with other women so you have less time to think about the failed friendship. You deserve someone who is able to appreciate you.

Despite the hurt and pain, you just need to move on. With time, you will heal. Everyl friendship don't last forever, even the best of them.

Best wishes,
Irene

One of the things that turns acquaintances into close friends is the sharing of a common bond between them. The Professors' Wives' Club revolves around four women, so different from one another that they might even appear unlikely as friends. But they share the unique connection of living in faculty housing (three of them faculty wives) at the fictional Manhattan U, a thinly disguised version of New York University.

 

In this breakout first novel, Joanne Rendell creates powerful characters struggling to define their roles as women and an engaging plot that keeps you glued until the end. The alternating chapters introduce the reader to Mary, Ashleigh, Sofia and Hannah whose individual stories touch upon a wide range of women's issues, such as infidelity, domestic abuse, intergenerational friendship, homosexuality, and work-life balance.

 

The commonality that brings these four women together is that the beautiful little garden adjacent to their University Housing, which has become their sanctuary and meeting place, The space is threatened with demolition (slated to become a parking lot) by a greedy, self-promoting Dean, a husband to one of the women.

 

In devising a plan to save the garden (in keeping with NYU's reputation as a hotbed of protests), they accomplish far more than they ever hoped: They develop a sisterhood that enables each woman to bravely pursue her dreams and live her life more fully. They evolve into far more than appendages to their accomplished husbands.

 

In the genre of The Wednesday Sisters and The Friday Night Knitting Club, the book portrays a circle of friendship that women crave and need, no matter what their role or station in life.

 

Joanne discussed her book's relevance to female friendships:

QUESTION:

Has it been easy or difficult to find an affinity group among faculty wives? Do you think that it is geographical proximity, similar roles, both, or is it something else that bonds you together? Does level of education play a role in helping you develop satisfying relationships with one another?

ANSWER:

Professors' wives -- and of course there are professors' husbands and partners too -- are in an interesting position. Even if they are not professors themselves (which many are), they are often deeply embedded in the university world. They live in faculty housing, they work out at the campus gym, and/or their kids go to the same university childcare. Geography and a shared involvement in campus life, therefore, means faculty wives interact more often than, say, doctor's wives or engineer's wives.

As a professor's wife myself, I've met some wonderful faculty wives, who are now my good friends, while at playground owned by New York University where my husband is a professor. Also, my husband and I are faculty-in-residence at one of the university dorms and I have met other fabulous wives through this program.

In my experience, professors' wives are an incredibly smart, strong, and spirited group of women. At the same time, we all come from very different backgrounds and have different levels of education. But I think the shared bond of the university is a strong one and provides a great backdrop in which women can find one another and foster friendships.

QUESTION:

The relationships you describe seem to be driven more by sharing a common purpose there than by a sense of intimacy between the women. Is that an accurate assessment/portrayal?

ANSWER:

It's true. The women in my book are brought together initially by the desire to take on the mean dean and save the faculty garden, rather than a sense of intimacy. Yet a real intimacy begins to grow between them as their campaign progresses. They share secrets, they support one another, and find that in spite of their differences they have many commonalities too. The novel takes place over just a couple of months and these are the first months of the women's fledgling friendship. I'm sure these women, with time, would grow deeper and more intimate bonds that would go way beyond the purpose that first brought them together.

QUESTION:

You also stayed clear of discussing any of the jealousies that might occur among a group of female friends (e.g. two becoming more friendly than the rest). Was this purposeful?

ANSWER:

Relationships between women frequently get a bad rap, in my opinion. Women are too often portrayed in film, TV, and books as bitchy, competitive, and at odds with one another. We constantly see the bitchy woman boss mistreating the young female employee; or the woman who treats her nanny like a slave; or the sisters who hate one another; or the mother and daughter who constantly fight; or the "friends" who bitch behind each other's back or betray each other over a guy.

Granted, in real life, women can be like this -- but not all the time. Women, in my experience, also have wonderful, supportive, and nurturing relationships with other women.

QUESTION:

Does playing a supporting role to an academic husband enhance the need for female friendships?

ANSWER:

Most professors' wives' I know would not see themselves playing a "supporting role." On the whole, they are independent women who have interesting and successful careers of their own. However, in many cases, the professor husband is the main breadwinner and thus his family has to follow where his job and career take him. This means many faculty wives move to university towns where they know few people and where they might have to start new jobs. Friendships with other wives or other women on campus are therefore very important -- and sustaining.

QUESTION:

Why were you drawn to write about the power of female friendships?

ANSWER:

Throughout my life, I've always been lucky enough to be surrounded by wonderful female friends. When I was in grad school doing a PhD in Literature, I had some particularly incredible girlfriends. We shared a house, we supported each other, read one another's papers, and of course had a lot of fun together. It was a beautiful time! Even though I'm now married with a child, I still thrive on my female friendships. I'm currently part of a group of mums who are all, like me, homeschooling our preschool/kindergarten age kids. The women in this group are amazing -- artists, activists, doulas, writers -- and so supportive. I couldn't imagine trying to be a mum without them!

From the moment I started writing fiction, I knew I wanted to write something that celebrated these intensely loyal and positive female friendships.

Gen Y moms (born between 1982 and 1995), AKA  babies of baby boomers) are pushing the digital envelope. Compared to Gen X moms before them, they are more likely to use the internet to form bonds with one another to hone their parenting skills. A research brief on MediaPost draws distinctions between the way the two groups use a popular parenting site, Parenting.com.

Generation X women (born between 1965-1982, AKA post-baby boomers) tend to rely on the internet for more practical applications, like shopping and uploading pictures---as compared to Generation Y women, who are more likely to use technology to connect with other moms---by texting, sharing photos and videos, and chatting as members of online communities.

According to the report: “It…reveals a trend among the younger Gen Y moms of relying on the common experience of members of their cohort to help them navigate their journey through parenthood.”

As a baby boomer, the telephone was the tool I used to connect. I would call my one-and-only best friend and next-door neighbor Judy, who had given birth a few years before me, to find out all the tricks she knew and I was yet to learn as a young mother. Now young moms can learn from groups of their peers, 24/7, as long as the baby takes naps and sleeps through the night. But if that were the case, why would they need parenting advice? :-) 

If your memories of the 60’s include bell-bottom pants, tie-dye shirts, the women’s lib movement, and Vietnam protests, you’ll want to read The Wednesday Sisters, a novel by Meg Waite Clayton (Ballantine Books, 2008). If your mother was of that era, you’ll want to read this book to get a glimpse into the times that shaped her.

Clayton has written an engaging story that deftly balances strong characters and an interesting account of the socio-political context of the times. Five moms, Frankie (the narrator), Linda, Kath, Brett and Ally find themselves as neighbors living in Palo Alto, California. Their shared passion for literature evolves into a writer’s circle. As the author takes us to their weekly meetings at the local park, we watch the women's personalities, intimate secrets, and aspirations unfold. With humor and pathos, Clayton portrays the prevailing attitudes of that era towards racism, divorce, motherhood, infertility, infidelity, and breast cancer.

At one point, Brett quotes Henry Adams: One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Then she questions, “What is it we’ve done so right in our lives that has made us five?” You’ll find yourself laughing and crying with the sisters, wishing you were surrounded with an any-day-of-the-week group of your own.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I’m 15 going into tenth grade and I have known my friend since we were in 5th grade and we have always been really close. My mom is her second mom and her mom is my second mom. We have always had the same interest in everything until just recently. It's like we never agree on ANYTHING anymore.

We are so different now. But it’s like it happened over night. I know people change but I didn’t know how fast it could happen. I want us to stay friends forever and all but lately I don’t feel so hyper and happy around her. I feel empty and different and like it’s not the same. So I am just wondering, should I try and "repair" our friendship or do u think it would be best for me to just end it?

Thank you very, very much for reading this. I really do appreciate it. :]

Signed,

Anonymous Teen in Florida

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous Teen in Florida,

It always feels bad to drift apart from a bestie with whom you once felt very close. More than likely, however, this turnaround didn't happen overnight. It just feels that way. You are just beginning to realize the differences between you and your friend, and it sounds like they are jumping out at you in living color!

People change all the time---and especially during the teen years when changes can be dramatic. This is a time when our interests and unique personalities emerge, so I'm not too surprised by your story. Even though it's common, it's still disappointing.

Do you think your friend is feeling the same way you do? I suspect that is probably the case.

It might be worthwhile to start a conversation with her and say, “Why do you think we are disagreeing so much? Do you think there is anything we can do to iron out our differences?” It's important to mention that you really treasure all the good times you've had in the past and that you hope you can work things out together.

Be prepared to give her one or two examples of why you are feeling this way. Try not to blame her---say it is something that is affecting you both.

By talking about it, you might gain more insight into what you are feeling and whether or not the friendship can be saved.

If you can't work things out, you just might need to take a breather from each other or maintain a less intense friendship. Next year or the year after, you may find that you are more in sync with one another.

Let me know how it works out.

My best,
Irene