marriage

The Unfaithful Widow is a collection of essays by Barbara Barth, describing her first year alone after her husband's death. "I blush to say that everything in the book happened to me, or rather I did it all, " says Barbara. "Saying I did it all has more power to it, which is the message in my book." I spoke to Barbara about the role that friendships played during that life-changing year.

 

Irene: Losing a life partner turns a woman's life upside down; how does it affect her friendships?

Barbara: When my husband died it was amazing how my friends looked after me. A bit of my background history may explain that statement. I am not the type of gal who went off for weekends with girlfriends. I never had a roommate. And when I was single I preferred to drive myself to parties so I could leave when I wanted. However, I am very social and love people. I have to head out of the house every day for a small adventure, and then come home to my nest.

My husband and I were rarely apart for the twenty-five years we were a couple. I was home with him most nights. After I retired from my federal job, I became an antique dealer. I lunched with my antique buddies during the day and several of us set up at antique shows. My best friend was also his good friend, his tomboy friend he liked to call her. So I had my best friend, my close antique buddies, and many women in the antique business I knew casually.

My best friend was my lifeline. I can't tell you how many times a day I'd call her. My antique buddies stayed close. The surprise was that the other women I knew from the antique world rallied around me. Suddenly I was in a social whirl of lunches and dinners. I turned 60 three months after my husband died, and my friends gave me a wonderful week of celebration. A friend of mine that I knew for twenty years as an antique dealer said one night over dinner, "There are angels that come into your life when needed. Sometimes they stay, sometimes they move on. I hope I am one that stays." My friend was right. I was well protected by angels my first year.

 

Irene: Did your friendships remain stable or did your find that the type of friends you wanted to be with or felt comfortable with changed?

Barbara: My friend who I mentioned above has become one of the angels that stayed. We have dinner every few weeks and have a ball. She has a guy at home, but comes out to play at night. We aren't out late because I have dogs at home to feed. Some of the other angels have gone back to their own lives, but will forever be in my heart for being there at a time I was so lost.

My friends and I are very open with each other. Nothing I tell them shocks them. We laugh about everything and they accept the changes in me. They don't judge my choices. Most are married. Sometimes I think it would be nice to find other single women to do things with, but I am still that homebody at heart.

My husband's cousin kids me that for someone who talks about wanting to date I have put up barriers - six dogs. But they are so much company. I have chosen to write in this new life of mine and that is isolating so I have to work harder to get out and be social. When I say I haven't done anything my friends laugh. I've usually done more than anyone, but I have a high level of energy and need to stay active.

I feel as comfortable with my old friends as I always have. I am not in that world of married women fearing suddenly single women. My friends and I are as we always were. That has not changed.

 

Irene: What are the ways in which girlfriends can support a woman who is recently widowed?

Barbara: Pick up the phone and call. Call again. That was the most important thing for me. I needed to have human contact. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say to someone who has had a loss. Don't worry about it. I didn't care what anyone said. I just needed to hear a voice. To know someone was thinking about me.

I remember years ago when I was a kid I read somewhere that if you visit someone who lives alone, let her talk, don't take over the conversation. I never thought it would apply to me. But it did. I was surrounded by silence in my house.

I remember the night "Sex In The City" had its premier. Two of my antique buddies had planned for us to go. I fell asleep on the couch, depressed. The phone rang three times in twenty minutes. The fourth ring I picked it up. My friends shouted at me, "Wake up, Sex In The City. Picking you up in twenty minutes." I threw water on my face, dabbed on some lip gloss and was ready when they pulled up. We had a ball. I would have languished on the couch that night without their pushing me to get out.

 

Irene: What are some of the ways in which girlfriends can grate upon you are feeling vulnerable?

Barbara: I guess I was lucky, still am, with the friends I have. If I had someone question what I was doing, made me feel guilty, that would have been horrible. My friends all encouraged me to do what I needed to do. When I started dating we all laughed at my bad dates. I am a good storyteller, but my friends laughed with me, not at me. Big difference.

 

Irene: Did you join any support groups or connect with other widows? If so, what was that like?

Barbara: I decided to find my own way. I didn't want to go to a support group and I didn't want to talk to other widows. I was afraid it would depress me more. I was at a bookstore with my best friend and wandered into the self-help section and pulled out a "widow" book. It depressed me. The author talked about women my age starting to date again after a long relationship and all the pitfalls. That was another yuck moment.

I started writing at night to purge myself. I danced at night to my favorite music. Bad dates led me to good things. I felt the universe was sending me signs and I kept moving forward. My book is about all the oddities of that year. I found that laughter was the best medicine. I think that support groups can be very helpful. I just couldn't deal with going to one. I didn't want to be around people who had suffered a loss, I wanted to be in the middle of life.

 

Irene: Dogs play a big part in the story of your first year. Can pets substitute for friends or companions?

Barbara: I am a dog lover. Always have been. I now have six, five from the local shelters in the last year. Perhaps I have gone overboard. But they are so much fun. My dogs are not substitutes for friends but are a special part of my life. I can't imagine not having a pet. They make me laugh. They teach me lessons about life. They show me that love is more important than a good rug.

They helped me find joy again. They are my writing muses. I think anyone can benefit from the unconditional love a pet gives you. My book has a dedication to animal rescue shelters and my favorite quote, "I like to think that I have rescued dogs, truth is they have rescued me."

 

Irene: Any other advice to widows about friendships?

Barbara: I was always focused on the fact I needed to talk to someone. One day I called a good friend, embarrassed to be on the phone yet again. It turned out she was in worse shape than I was and it was good I had called. I think being alone, being a widow, makes you feel vulnerable you are imposing on others. The truth is we all need the support of our friends and should not be afraid to make that first move.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

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When Amanda Blain, now 29, graduated and moved from Toronto to Ottawa, Canada, she began working in a series of male-dominated technical IT careers. Although she considers herself outgoing, she found it difficult to find and make new friends with each new situation or life change. So three years ago, she decided to tackle the problem head-on---for herself and other women. She created a new start-up, Girlfriend Social, to harness the power of the internet to help women make new girlfriends. Since its official launch about one year ago, more than 1800 women have signed up for the site from all over Canada, the USA, the UK and even Australia.

 

"I saw a need for a place where women could go and connect, and knew that I had the ability to create it," says Blain, who has a background in web design and internet marketing. Women pair up with new friends based on the information they post. "With a few simple clicks, you can match with other women in your local area who have kids the same age as yours or who love the twilight book series as much as you do," she says. After women connect online, Girlfriend Social creates opportunities for them to meet face-to-face in safe, friendly event settings that are designed to bridge the connection from online to the real world.

 

According to Blain, the primary target audience for the new social media site is women who fall in the "M3" category. They include women who have Moved, Married, or are Mothers---but the site attracts women of all different backgrounds and situations who, for whatever reason, feel like they want to have more friends or want to find a new best gal pal. The sponsored monthly events held so far have included pub nights, dog walks, scrapbooking get-togethers, bowling nights, rock climbing, movie nights, and a lobster dinner. "This makes meeting several people at once easier and more relaxed if you're a little shy," she says.

 

"Although there are many social networks online, most are designed to deal with business networking, dating, or connecting with people you already know," says Blain. "There are very few sites that connect new friends or that are for trying out new hobbies." Use of the site is free, with the costs underwritten by event and webpage sponsors. Blain recently moved to southern California from Canada and is working on expanding the site to major cities in the U.S.

 

P.S. In addition to GirlfriendSocial.com, several other social media sites that encourage and facilitate platonic friendships among women include GirlfriendCelebrations.com, Girlfriendology.com, GirlfriendCircles.com, GirlfriendsCafe.com and SocialJane.com. Each site has different features.

 

Caveat: Always check out any site on the internet before you sign up and be cautious in providing personal information to people whom you don't know.

QUESTION

I'm currently my best friend's maid of honor and the entire experience has been painful at best. I've been looking for some advice and support on how to deal with a friendship that's breaking apart due to a bride's behavior but the vast majority of blogs/websites focus on only bridesmaids ruining the wedding or friendship.

I've been friends with the bride for the past twenty years and over the past year of wedding planning, I am certain the friendship is over. In our circle of friends, everyone thought I would be the first to get married (I've been with my partner longer than she has, I’ve wanted to get married while she hasn't, and her proposal was a total surprise). I've put aside my feelings of jealousy and just been happy for my friend, but lately she's been complaining about how hard wedding planning is and it makes me feel like she is taking for granted something I would cherish.

She was never taught etiquette. She, her mother, and her sister are very "laid-back" people who don't care for social niceties. They have asked family and other wedding guests to bring the food; friends are paying for an open bar; they aren't inviting the officiant to the rehearsal because the bride “doesn't want her to say much." They have had one engagement party, a bachelorette weekend away, two bridal showers, and a stag and doe, and have a registry filled with high-priced items.  

At this point, I have paid more for this wedding than the bride and groom have! The mother-of-the-bride has hosted one bridal shower and the engagement party, and emailed invites to these events only days before hand to the bridal party. We all live in separate cities and has even confessed that she didn’t invite the bride's man (a male bridesmaid) until the day before because she doesn't really want him there.

The bride had originally asked me to be in charge of making sure the food gets prepared in time for the buffet dinner (in addition to my maid of honor duties, and making their wedding cake). I told her I thought she should find someone else because the food would need to go into the ovens during the ceremony and I wouldn't be able to do it as I would be standing with her.  

She flipped out and started crying and saying she should have just eloped.  Since then, no matter how much I offer to help she says she's doesn't need it, but she posts on Facebook how stressed she is and how she needs help. I believe she just likes people to feel bad for her. For as long as I've known her she has always played the victim in life and now I realize I just can't handle it anymore.  

I've always been a strong, confident person and just cannot respect this type of "poor me" behavior. I can't say anything because I have to walk on eggshells around her as she's the type to cry over every little confrontation. Over the past four months she hasn't called me and will only email about wedding issues, sometimes she'll add "How are you doing?" and when I reply telling her in about my life, she doesn't reply and the next email I receive is about the wedding.

I'm currently in the process of writing my speech and for the life of me cannot find any words to say, any that would be appropriate at least.
I'm sorry this email is so long and rambling! If you can offer me any advice as to how I can move forward, or how I can get through my speech it would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
One very tired maid of honor

ANSWER

Dear Very Tired Maid of Honor,

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with your best friend. Brides often are self-absorbed but this one sounds over the top. I’m not sure how much of her narcissism is related to the wedding and how much is related to the bride’s personality and upbringing. It may be the combination of the two that is so punishing.

Accepting the role of maid of honor has put you in the position of witnessing many of your friend’s warts that you may have missed before. (Keep in mind that you may be feeling a bit more sensitive than usual too, because, as you admit, it would be nicer if you were the one walking down the aisle now.)

Please keep your justifiable anger under control, and just get through the wedding and be a very gracious maid of honor. Your speech can be a piece of cake if you talk about how you met, recall the good times you shared together during your long friendship, and wish her the best for the future.

After things have simmered down for both of you, you’ll need to determine whether the friendship is worth salvaging. Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

The Girls from Ames: A Story of Women & a Forty-Year Friendship by Jeffrey Zaslow tells the remarkable story of the 40-year friendship of a circle of eleven female friends. The tale chronicles more than the experience of coming of age in the midwest—it offers universal insights on growing up, living a life, and facing the sobering challenges faced by grown-ups, which often include: marriage, divorce, raising a family, balancing life and work, and coping with serious illness and death among family members and close friends. The narrative pays homage to the significant role that friendship can play in the course of women's lives.

 

The “girls,” who all met as children in the “corn-and-college” town of Ames, Iowa, are introduced in photographs with short bios at the beginning of the book. As the reader turns the pages, however, each woman develops a textured persona as Zaslow brilliantly weaves together their individual and collective stories through interviews, letters, photographs, scrapbooks, news clips and diaries. Their long friendship as a group has enabled the girls from Ames to piece together and preserve the anecdotes that comprise their lives individually. 

This compelling and beautifully written non-fiction book is destined to become a classic in the female friendship literature. Zaslow’s last book, coauthored with Randy Pausch, was the best-selling book The Last Lecture.

Watch my blog for my upcoming Q & A with Wall Street Journal columnist and author Jeffrey Zaslow.

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

 

 

Marriage is a milestone that often alters a couple’s relationship with each other, as well as with those around them. For the new bride, it can herald profound changes in her relationships with girlfriends.

In a recent post (February 9, 2008), I interviewed wedding expert Sharon Naylor about the challenges that planning “the big day” poses to the bride’s friendships. In this follow-up, I asked Sharon about the impact of marriage on female friendships.

How does the transition from being single to being married affect a woman’s relationships with single friends?

It changes the dynamics of the relationship a LOT. Depending on how frustrated the single friend is with her dating life, and how envious she is of your good fortune in finding true love, it can be a very trying time for her…and thus for your friendship.

If you’re the first friend of hers to get married, that can be traumatic because the issue of marriage is now Out There, bringing pressure to her life. And if many of your friends have gotten married, she may REALLY be feeling pressured because you’re another in a long list of her former single friends to ‘win the prize’ while she is still waiting for hers.

What can the new bride do to minimize tension?

The solution here is to nurture or create a dimension in this friendship that is not about dating or relationships at all. And this is a tough task, because some brides find that the only thing they had in common with some friends is the topic of dating, the drive to couple up.

It might be that these friends went out to clubs or had 99% of their conversations revolve around bad blind dates and online dating profiles, breakups and breakdowns. Some female friendships are bonded by the drama of dating life. And when you exit dating life, there’s a big void in the friendship. Yes, you’ve been out of dating world for the entire time you’ve been with your fiancé, but this sad single friend hasn’t heard the door slam closed until your engagement. Not that she was hoping you’d break up. It just wasn’t completely official yet. And she may feel abandoned in her singleness.

What responses might you anticipate from the girlfriend(s) you leave behind? How might she be feeling?

“You’re not going to want to go out anymore,” worries the single friend, who also might be slapping on a big, fake smile when you talk about your fiancé’s romantic birthday plans for you, or what you’re doing on Valentine’s Day. If this friend has been overly dependent on you, if you were the only egg in her basket, your marriage is bad, bad news for her.

Your friend is now alone in her quest, with no true allies, and may feel like she’s slipped to the bottom of the totem pole. And you might find that you no longer enjoy her sad-sack company, her complaints, her refusal to raise the bar and pursue men who are better for her. You might not want to entertain her pity parties anymore. So the friendship…like any relationship that has no common bonds…can fade away.

How can you minimize the inherent risks to the friendship?

If you do wish to nurture the friendship, start by subtly creating new shared interests, such as asking your friend to sign up for an aromatherapy class, or get a museum membership so that you can go to exhibits and lectures, or sign on for dance classes at the gym you both go to. Exchange novels you’ve both loved and talk about them over coffee. Add new facets to the friendship so that it can survive your change in status. Such variety and shared interests are healthy for any relationship, especially female friendships.

With new dimensions, you might not mind your friend’s occasional dating dramas so much…they could make you feel grateful for your new husband as well as give you a satisfying feeling of being a supportive friend. You’ve just transformed that into a smaller percentage of your relationship.

Can matchmaking efforts help keep a female friendship intact?

One mistake newlyweds make is wanting to set single friends up with all of their friends. Sure, the intentions are good, wanting your friend to be as happy as you are, but unless the friend is truly enthusiastic about your help, you might put too much pressure on her to endure the company of a guy friend who’s not right for her, and you two as a couple could get embroiled in their relationship issues.

It’s far better to invite your friend to events where she might meet someone. That’s where your newlywed life could be of great benefit to her. You’re not pushing, choosing, dodging news of a breakup, keeping secret the fact that the guy you introduced to her is also seeing three other girls, etc.

Why is it important to focus on friendships after your wedding day?

Having many healthy female friendships with positive women who inspire you and add many gifts to your life makes you a better spouse with a full life of your own. Your man is not the only egg in your basket, so to speak. You’re not overly dependent on him. Your circle of friends is a strength in your life, and studies show that having a great sense of community is good for your health, keeps stress down, strengthens your heart, and has many other perks.

Any other comments you would like to make about female friendships after marriage, Sharon?

The sad reality is that sometimes they don’t survive because you no longer have anything in common. Or, a bridesmaid acted so jealous and rude at your wedding that you never want to speak with her again. It was the last straw. Or you just drift from single friends, or some friends voluntarily get absorbed into their new husbands’ worlds and abandon their own friends as the incarnation of their New Life.

Friendships have a life cycle, and they do depend on mutual commitment and shared evolution to survive as long as they’re meant to---for as long as they’re healthy for both parties. A wedding, being such a huge life transition, naturally tests all manner of female friendships, with some friendships getting stronger and some falling away.

When I got married in April, my closest friends from college were my bridesmaids. They all traveled from distant states to be there, and our friendships were strengthened partly because we stayed so close through phone and e-mail conversations for years…we saw each other perhaps once a year due to our busy lives, but the connections we’ve always had were strong.

Being together, walking through my neighborhood as cherry blossom petals came raining down on us, then sharing the wedding day and seeing our husbands bond like brothers has reignited our need to see each other more. We’re all turning 40 this year, so we’re meeting at a resort town halfway between our home states, staying in a haunted bed-and-breakfast, shopping, going to wineries, and having a fabulous couples’ getaway to mark the big 4-0. Fortunately, my friends’ tenure as bridesmaids, even from a distance, further solidified our bond, and now we’re adding more dimension to our friendship by making it a priority to plan more face-time.


Sharon Naylor is the author of over 35 wedding books, including The Bride’s Survival Guide, and has been featured on Good Morning America, Lifetime, ABC News, The Morning Show With Mike & Juliet, and in InStyle Weddings, Martha Stewart Weddings, Brides, Modern Bride, Southern Bride and many additional magazines. She is the iVillage Weddings expert and Planning in Peace blogger, as well as a top columnist for Bridal Guide.

"I'm part of a club I didn't mean to join," writes Gail Konop Baker, author of Cancer is a Bitch: Or, I'd Rather Be Having a Midlife Crisis (Da Capo, 2008).

 

Baker, a mother of three and wife of a doctor, was a self-professed health nut. She ran marathons, practiced yoga, ate organic foods, and was a lifelong subscriber to Prevention magazine. Like many of us, she believed that she could keep breast cancer at bay: It was something that happened to other people's friends, relatives, neighbors and co-workers.

 

Then, at the age of 45, after two prior biopsies that turned out to be false alarms, Baker was diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), the most common form of noninvasive breast cancer.

 

This intelligent, funny, and extremely gutsy book not only chronicles Baker's breast cancer journey and successful treatment, but talks about marriage, motherhood, careers and the significance of friendships in women's lives. Her voice is unusually compelling because it is so intimate and honest, like a best friend telling you her story.

 

Gail graciously responded to several questions I posed about the impact of her diagnosis on her female friendships:

 

Do you believe that there is a sisterhood of breast cancer survivors? If so, why?

If you'd asked me that before I went on tour for my book, I wouldn't have known since I was the first (still am) in my circle of friends to be diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn't join any support groups either. I have to admit I felt very alone. But as I toured the country this fall and winter, I met survivors and felt an instant and immediate bond. There was really nothing that made me feel better than a survivor telling me that my book touched her, made her feel less alone, helped her understand the feelings she was feeling.

I think the reason there is this instant connection is that receiving a cancer diagnosis is like being forced to walk through fire. It isn't something you choose. It isn't something you can conjure in your mind. And once you've walked through it alters your perceptions of life forever. Life is different. I think survivors bond because they have been forced to feel and see and taste and smell and live life through a different lens. I meet a survivor now and it's like we share a secret language.

 

What are the range of reactions (so aptly described in your book) that friends have to someone who is diagnosed with breast cancer?

Everyone meant well and all of my friends were very generous. They brought me food and flowers and took care of my children but few knew what to say. I think that was because their own fear got in the way and understandably so. But the hardest thing was seeing myself as someone else's worst fear. Feeling their dread. They didn't even have to say anything for me to feel it.

But a couple of friend encounters stand out in my mind. Just before my surgery when I was in a very funky funk, one of my best friends came over and told me, "If you have to shave my head, I'll shave mine in solidarity." Luckily I didn't have to but her words made me feel like she would walk through the fire with me. That she wasn't afraid of me. That she didn't feel differently about me.

After my surgery, I ran a half marathon with that same friend and another one of our friends. After the race we were talking old boyfriends and sex and I told them I didn't feel very sexy with all my scars. They talked me into showing them my worst scar and inched my shirt down and they stared at a minute before one of them said, "Scars are hot! I think it makes you sexier."

 

Did you rely on your friends for practical advice and help?

Not so much advice but, as I said above, they brought food and helped with my children and showered me with love and concern, Honestly, I didn't even know I had so many good friends until I was diagnosed. I was absolutely blown away by the love and support that surrounded me.

 

Did your friendships change at all since you were diagnosed? Did you dump some friends and add others? Did you get closer to some and feel more distant from others? What accounted for the changes?

Great question! Cancer brought clarity to my life and gave me license to declutter my life. So yes, some friendships, the ones that were draining me, fell away. I felt like I didn't have time to waste on relationships that weren't mutually enriching.

But it also made me aware of the depth of some of my friendships and deepened those bonds. My best friend helped me get my feet back on the ground. Literally. Soon after my surgery she came over and told me to put my running shoes on and pulled me out the door and forced me to put one foot in front of the other.

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

 

 

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

I'm in a really tight spot and would appreciate ANY advice you could provide. I have had two friends, A and B, since elementary school, but we went our separate ways after high school. A went to college, B partied and worked various jobs, and I went on to complete undergraduate and graduate studies. Shortly after, we happened to all live in the same city, started hanging out again, and had a great time. I got engaged with my boyfriend of 8 years, and it just seemed fitting that A and B would be my bridesmaids.

The trouble started during the year leading up to my wedding. We all spent tons of time together and I started feeling self conscious, saddened and emotionally drained after spending time with A and B. I just couldn't figure out why I had these negative feelings. I would come home to my fiancé and all I would do is complain about them, which is totally out of my character. As the wedding date approached, it hit me! I realized that I hardly had anything in common with A and B anymore. They are superficial, and obsessed with appearances-weight, dieting, plastic surgery and gossip, whereas I'm more down-to-earth and laid back.

On top of that, I realized that B does not respect me very much. She is judgmental, critical and totally unsupportive. When I talked about the trouble I was having at my new job, she would have no sympathy and tell me it was my own fault. She would often say, jokingly, that I was lazy because I did not exercise, but when I finally signed up for a fitness program, she told me I was wasting my money. She never misses an opportunity to point out that I am the "prudish" one of the bunch. (Does that even matter?). And I have reason to believe she is a compulsive liar.

After this, I started feeling really down about how my "closest friends", who were to be my bridesmaids, turned out to be toxic friends that I share little in common with. I was distraught to the point that I became physically ill with bad stomach aches. I actually struggled with the idea of kicking them out of the wedding party, but decided against it because I thought that would be too mean and drastic. It would have created too much drama, considering we all have many common friends. And it's not like I want to completely cut all ties with them, we do share a lot of history.

So I decided to go ahead with the wedding as planned, and after it was over, concentrate more on my own well-being, and on friendships that make me feel happy and good about myself. I do still spend some time with A and B, but nothing compared to how it was before. But the fact is that I keep feeling so guilty for distancing myself after the wedding. Another of my faults is that I have never talked to either one about my negative feelings, because it took me so much time to put my finger on what was bothering me. Now it seems like it's too "after-the-fact" to have a talk with them. I really feel like a bad friend and a bad person.

To complicate things further, my new brother-in-law (who lives with me and my husband!) is now seeing B. He actually asked me if I felt awkward about him dating her, and I explained to him how I feel about B, how she's hurt me, and how I was actually hoping to distance myself from her. But he's head-over-heels for her and maintains that she doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I feel so helpless! And I feel bad again because I am not being supportive of his new relationship, I do want him to be happy, but this is hard! B is a person that I really want to distance myself from, and she's now going to be part of family events!!

So the big questions are: Do I owe anything to my bridesmaids? Should I feel guilty for wanting to distance myself from them? And how should I handle the brother in-law situation? How can I be supportive of my brother-in-law when I have these negative feelings about B? Should I tell my friends how I feel, even if it's so after-the-fact by now? Again, ANY advice will be greatly appreciated! I've been struggling with this for too long!

Signed,
Emotionally Drained Newlywed

ANSWER:

Dear Emotionally Drained Newlywed:

It sounds like you have a great deal of insight. You made a wise decision to not "rock the boat" at the time of your wedding and to include A & B as bridesmaids. They were an important part of your past and helped you become the person you are today.

I doubt any good could come out of telling them that they are superficial and/or judgmental or such-either before the wedding or now. It's good that you recognize what feels toxic about your relationships with them because it has helped you establish some healthy distance.

With your marriage, you have embarked on a new life and it's not unusual that the nature of some of your female friendships might change or even go dormant. Having a change in heart about your feelings towards your friends doesn't make you a bad person! You need to get over that irrational thought. People change over time so it's natural for friendships to change as well. You are being true to yourself and your own feelings.

The real fly in the ointment, as I see it, is living with your brother-in-law. Is there any way that he can find another place to live? That would simplify your life greatly-probably in more ways than one.

Short of that, if he remains under your roof, things can go one of two ways: Either he will remain involved with B-or break up with her.

• If B and your brother-in-law remain connected, you will probably want to maintain a friendly relationship with her, as the girlfriend of your brother-in-law (although it may be more distant than the one you had before.) Don't be surprised if he already leaked some of your feelings to his girlfriend. Many of us tolerate people because they are related by marriage.
• If the brother-in-law and B break up, it may be a perfect opportunity to allow your relationship with B to fade away. At that point, B might feel the same way too.

Don't get too stressed out. You married your husband, not his brother. I think your instincts are good ones. Trust your gut!

Best wishes, Irene

 

Time of Your Life (Random House, October 2008) is Allison Winn Scotch's second novel. It tells the story of Jillian, a thirty-something, married, suburban mother in Westchester County, New York, who suddenly sees her life playing out a different way than it did seven years ago, and takes the reader along for the ride.

 

This engaging story raises provocative questions about love, marriage, family, friendship, and motherhood. It will grab anyone who has ever had second thoughts about the road not followed. The film rights to the story have already been purchased by the Weinstein Company so watch for it to come to your local theatres!

 

Allison graciously agreed to answer my questions about the role of friendship in Jillian's story:

 

Question:
You did a lovely job portraying Jillian as a woman juggling multiple roles: wife, worker, mother, and friend. What roles did her friends, Megan and Ainsley, play in Jillian's life (lives)?

Answer:
They were really her foundation, her barometers, in both her present and her past. Whatever her crisis, her friends were stable for her - and she tried to do the same for them. I've found this to be true in my own life too: through every various incarnation of myself and my relationships and my careers, my friends have held steady, and in fact, I thank many of my dearest friends in my acknowledgments, saying, "Thank you for reminding me that where we come from is just as important as where we're going." And this pretty much sums up Jill's friendships - they carry her through wherever she might be headed. That, really, to me, is what the best of friendships can do.

 

Question:
Did you derive inspiration for those characters from your own friendships? If so, explain.

Answer:
Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that I have a few very, very close friends whom I value like family. Second to my husband (and maybe my parents), they get the phone call with any good news that I want to share. So I understood how necessary and invaluable these women were for Jillian. I also understood that there are certain things - secrets, for lack of a better word - that you can share only with these women. In fact, the inspiration for the book came from a conversation I had with my dearest friend - she was having one of those "what if" moments, and we were discussing the paths she could have taken, and I was reassuring her that these questions were entirely normal...we just don't share them publicly too often. Really, only with our most trusted confidantes. So, in that sense, yes, I derived inspiration from my friendships. But neither Megan nor Ainsley are based on my friends or literally inspired by them. But it would certainly be fair to say that my love and appreciation for them is perhaps reflected in Jillian's love and appreciation for her friends and how they help her wade through the muck of her situation.

 

Question:
Your handling of infertility was particularly sensitive. How did it become a dominant theme in the book?

Answer:
Well, the book wrestles with a variety of issues that deal with motherhood, and I wanted to explore what it might be like to want that motherhood so badly - something that Jillian is mildly blasé about - and not be able to achieve it. How would that mold you? How would you cope with it? Increasingly, as my friends and I get older, I hear of friends who struggle with fertility, and my heart breaks for them because, it's the great unknown really: who knows if you're going to get pregnant, and it can really feel like a crapshoot. But what if this was all you wanted in the world for yourself? How do you overcome that? How do you grieve? How do you move forward? Megan's experience and views really stood in contrast to Jillian's, and I thought it was a nice counter-balance and a good way to explore how much motherhood can (or can't) define you.

 

Question:
How did Jillian friendships change with marriage and motherhood? What has been your own experience?

Answer:
Jillian became more isolated, both literally and emotionally, when she married. She left so much of what she was familiar with: her job, her city, her apartment, and headed to the suburbs, and I think this was really disorienting for her, as I know it can be for many women. And then there's the whole motherhood factor: the fact that after we have kids, we might feel less connected with our single or childless friends, or they might feel less connected to us. Not that this always happens. Certainly, there are plenty of times when it doesn't happen. But, and many moms will quickly admit to this, when you have kids it becomes so, so easy to lose yourself in them, and what happens when you meet up with your single friends and all you want to do is talk about potty training or pre-school applications? It's not fair to them, and I guess it's not fair to you either. But the key, for me, has been finding common ground. In my own experience, sure, I've drifted in some friendships (or they've drifted from me) once I got married and had kids - simply because we didn't share the same common ground anymore- but the ones that were most dear, of course we made them work. We go out for dinner, and they listen to me talk about my kids, and I listen to their dating horror stories...and then we move on to gossip, careers, old friends, whatever. I think it's important that everyone make a little effort to find that middle ground - it's not hard to do in solid relationships.

 

Question:
On page 63, you mention how friends can get lost in the shuffle of life. Can you explain how or why this happens based on your own experiences?

Answer:
Sure, I alluded to it a bit above. Sometimes, when friendships are so constant in your life, you almost forget that they're there...it's like you take them for granted. "Oh, I can call her tomorrow because I have to deal with XYZ today." That sort of thing. I know that I'm totally guilty of this. Right now, for example, my best friend and I have been playing phone tag for over three weeks: she moved, I went on vacation, she got wrapped up in her son's new school, I got wrapped up in work, etc. But I've also been lucky. I've surrounded myself with women who don't need daily check-ins - we're always happy to hear from each other whenever the other has the time. I understand that my friends value me, and I also understand that they have a whole set of responsibilities that have nothing to do with me. And that's totally okay. What matters most to me is that when I really need them - with good news or with bad news - they answer the phone and listen.

Question:
Writing a novel can be pretty lonely. How do you handle your own friendships as a novelist?

Answer:
A couple of different ways: One, I have a lot of "virtual" friends! Which sounds crazy, but my writer friends whom I know from various online groups keep me company during the day when I need to connect with someone or need a break. I just head to the forums of these sites and chime in. Two, I make a point to have a girls' night at least once a month. This keeps me in touch with my college friends who have known me for almost two decades. You can't replace that kind of camaraderie, and even when I'm soooo tired and don't feel like going, I'm always so glad that I did afterward: I feel rejuvenated. And three, as I've said above, I have a short list of my closest friends who I call when I have the time...usually this is while I'm walking the dog! But after catching up for 30 minutes or so, I feel like all is well in my world...and in theirs. And that's enough to fuel me over the next few days (or weeks) when we might not have a chance to reconnect.

In a recent post on her Psychology Today blog, research psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out, raises the issue of what it means to be “just friends.”

Unlike marriage (and same-sex unions in some States), friends have no legal ties to one another. Unlike siblings, they have no blood ties. Yet one of the most unique and defining characteristics of a friendship is that it is a totally voluntary relationship that exists simply because two people “just” want to be friends.

Ironically: “Friends are marginalized as ‘just’ friends,” writes DePaulo. “Now that Americans spend more years of their adult lives single than married, friendship is more important than it used to be,” she adds. “As family size decreases, so, too, do options for family care in old age or any other age - fewer people have siblings or adult children to care for them (or if they do, those family members may live many miles away). Again, it is friends who come to the rescue.”

Whether single or married, it is often difficult for women to strike the right balance between their friendships, family ties, careers, and needs for time alone. Yet DePaulo’s remarks remind us that---in sickness and in health, for better or for worse---it’s always a treasure to be surrounded by strong, caring female friendships.

Dear Irene,

 

I have a long time friend who was a single mother just like me when we first met ten years ago. I knew she was a headstrong and opinionated early on and accepted that. However, I’ve always worried a bit about her. She had a traumatic childhood; she was adopted after her mother, a drug addict, who gave her up at the age of 5.

 

I kept the friendship almost out of pity because I knew she felt she could always turn to me. She loses friends easily due to her tendency to be mean and hurtful. I could write a book about all the hateful things she has said to me and it would take volumes to write all the negatives things she said about my child. I put this aside because she has a good heart in there somewhere. She is very smart, clever and used to be fun, and our friendship centered on getting together to let our kids play. Over the years, I become like an Aunt to her first son.

 

I went on to get married; she did too. She married for money, clearly stating to me and her family that her life plan was to marry someone with money, have a few more kids and never ever, ever have to work. This kind of stunned me but I sort of brushed it off. Now, she flaunts her husband's money, and often makes snide remarks about my husband's occupation. She is rude to me, her family, and especially to wait staff, baristas, anyone in the service industry, as if she is a queen. She calls her husband a “meal ticket” and continues to cheat on him, saying she’s not attracted to him. She recently moved away with her family but she hardly spent any time with me before she moved, and I have to say, I was relieved not to spend time with her.

 

Here is the problem. I had planned to call her after she settled in her new home to finally confront her and let her know we’ve grown apart and that I need to move on. Before I did, her mother called me very upset. When I told her mother, she didn’t even know that Claire had moved. Turns out her entire family is furious with her for becoming a snob, being rude to them all, and excluding them from her life. She had a fight with her mother several months before and they haven’t talked since. The sad thing is her mother has cancer, and because my friend is so self absorbed she doesn’t even know.

 

I want to pick up the phone and just unleash on this person I used to know! But, I have been asked not to divulge that I spoke to her mother. Yesterday, her brother called and said he wanted me to know that he hates his "ex-sister" and that if I do speak to her that the family is very angry with her. Now I am stuck and have no idea what to do. I am not outraged, more just disappointed and annoyed and ready to move on but I have this nagging feeling that I should confront her before her family members let on that they spoke to me. I just can't find the courage to do it! Please send your suggestions.

Signed,

Anonymous in Florida

____________________________

Dear Anonymous in Florida:

 

First, you should be congratulated on having such keen insight into your fractured friendship. You realize the factors that brought you and Claire together: sharing the experience of being single moms and your understanding and acceptance of someone who had a hard time in life. You also realize the downsides of the friendship that you initially overlooked but caused it to end.

 

After each of you married, the vast discrepancy between your values towards marriage/family and Claire’s become obvious. With her new involvements with both a husband and lover---as well as a geographical move---seems like your friendship just took a natural course and drifted apart, which was a fine resolution on both ends. (It’s common to feel like there hasn’t been closure when two people drift apart although it really is a type of closure.)

 

Then you somehow got involved in discussions with Claire’s family which has indirectly involved you with this toxic person again. I understand how this could easily happen but it was a mistake on your part. There is no need to confront Claire over her transgressions or lack of character or to report them to her family; they are well aware of her foibles. To the contrary, you need to extricate yourself from her family drama. Don’t call her relatives and if they call you again, you can honestly say that you are Claire have parted ways and you really aren’t in touch with her anymore. Her mom’s illness is a sad fact but there is nothing you can do about it.

 

This fractured friendship has really been over for some time. Unleashing isn't a sign of courage and won't repair what's broken. Now, it’s time for you to more forward and replace it with healthier relationships with people you respect. By the way: Don’t be surprised if you hear from Claire again around the time of her divorce. Hopefully, if that comes to pass, you will be prepared and you’ll be too busy and involved with others---who deserve a friend like you---to get sucked in again.

 

Hope this helps a little.

 

My best,

Irene