making new friends

When Amanda Blain, now 29, graduated and moved from Toronto to Ottawa, Canada, she began working in a series of male-dominated technical IT careers. Although she considers herself outgoing, she found it difficult to find and make new friends with each new situation or life change. So three years ago, she decided to tackle the problem head-on---for herself and other women. She created a new start-up, Girlfriend Social, to harness the power of the internet to help women make new girlfriends. Since its official launch about one year ago, more than 1800 women have signed up for the site from all over Canada, the USA, the UK and even Australia.

 

"I saw a need for a place where women could go and connect, and knew that I had the ability to create it," says Blain, who has a background in web design and internet marketing. Women pair up with new friends based on the information they post. "With a few simple clicks, you can match with other women in your local area who have kids the same age as yours or who love the twilight book series as much as you do," she says. After women connect online, Girlfriend Social creates opportunities for them to meet face-to-face in safe, friendly event settings that are designed to bridge the connection from online to the real world.

 

According to Blain, the primary target audience for the new social media site is women who fall in the "M3" category. They include women who have Moved, Married, or are Mothers---but the site attracts women of all different backgrounds and situations who, for whatever reason, feel like they want to have more friends or want to find a new best gal pal. The sponsored monthly events held so far have included pub nights, dog walks, scrapbooking get-togethers, bowling nights, rock climbing, movie nights, and a lobster dinner. "This makes meeting several people at once easier and more relaxed if you're a little shy," she says.

 

"Although there are many social networks online, most are designed to deal with business networking, dating, or connecting with people you already know," says Blain. "There are very few sites that connect new friends or that are for trying out new hobbies." Use of the site is free, with the costs underwritten by event and webpage sponsors. Blain recently moved to southern California from Canada and is working on expanding the site to major cities in the U.S.

 

P.S. In addition to GirlfriendSocial.com, several other social media sites that encourage and facilitate platonic friendships among women include GirlfriendCelebrations.com, Girlfriendology.com, GirlfriendCircles.com, GirlfriendsCafe.com and SocialJane.com. Each site has different features.

 

Caveat: Always check out any site on the internet before you sign up and be cautious in providing personal information to people whom you don't know.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I recently experienced a broken friendship with someone that was my closest friend at the time. We both have 3-year-old boys who were best buddies and attended part-time preschool together. However, I began distancing myself as she was quite needy, manipulative of family, and superficial, though I did help her out quite a bit when her second child was born a year ago (neither of us have family nearby).

 

At the time I began distancing myself, she began a new friendship with another woman who seems to be more her type - and someone I never connected with. Since the end of my friendship, I have attempted to find more female friends without success. I have one young son and another child on the way, so my pool of potential friendships is limited right now to women in similar situations: stay-at-home moms with young children.

In newer relationships, I find many women to be very similar to her: manipulative, talking about each other, out for themselves, interested only in relationships in which they gain something, superficial, materialistic, complaining about husbands all the time, etc. I really do not engage in these behaviors. I believe they are destructive, though I understand that in many instances they work to keep these women connected to each other.

 

I believe the other factor in this conundrum is that I have a doctorate, a factor I wonder if others are intimidated by. Many of the women I meet seem to fit the stereotype of majoring in their MRS in college, or have never gone to college. I tend to stay on the edge of things rather than join a group as my values are completely different. I have attempted to reach out in several instances to make new friendships but there was always a little red flag raised in the back of my mind about the person, so I would back
off, trusting my gut.

 

It truly feels as if I have never left junior high or high school. I fear that this is the norm in female friendships, and that finding a friend who holds my same values/ideals of friendship will be the exception, which is quite discouraging. Is my observation accurate? I have had a few women tell me "yes." My experience in graduate school was approximately the same, but the women in graduate school were very competitive and had completely different motives for their behavior. I thought once I completed graduate school I would enter a world in which individuals were mature, respectful, caring, etc. but perhaps this is too high of an expectation?

 

Any input you can provide is greatly appreciated. 

Signed,
Chris

 

ANSWER:

 

Hi Chris,

Compared to almost every other stage of a woman's life, except perhaps--old age, being a stay-at-home mom with young children is one of the most challenging times for making new female friends. Realistically, your opportunities for meeting new people are likely to be limited and having a little one with another one on the way, you must be busy and exhausted. Yet, your note makes it obvious that you really would like to connect with another woman in an intimate way.

 

Here are a few simple suggestions for a complicatd problem:

 

Stop thinking all or none. Admittedly, it's hard to find any one person to meet all your friendship needs. Instead, can you patch together a few different friendships? For example, a phone friend (perhaps someone you know from the past); a mom-friend, so you can have playdates for your kids; an academic friend (perhaps someone who is interested in the field of your doctorate)?

 

Find new places to look for friends. Since you are somewhat homebound, can online friends fill some of your needs, either people you meet in social communities or people you know that don't happen to live close enough to get together? See my post on the trend towards moms logging on for companionship and advice. Can you have your husband or another relative babysit a night a week while you take a continuing education course in your community, work on a political campaign, or join a community group?

 

Try to be more open about the people you do meet. You may be stereotyping the people around you and not giving them or yourself enough time to know one another. One difference between an acquaintance and a friend is often the length of time two people know each other. It takes time for people to get to know one another, and to feel comfortable enough to share intimacies with one another. Could you be crossing women off your dance card without giving them a chance? Women who seem shallow at first may have more depth to them when you get to know them better.

 

I hope this gives you some food for thought. Congratulations on your pregnancy! What an exciting time for you and your family. Thanks for reading my blog and taking the time to write.

Best,
Irene

It’s so easy to make resolutions and so hard to keep them. Every year, women resolve to lose weight, reduce stress, work smarter, and improve their relationships with family and friends.

I thought a little more specificity might help clarify my Friendship Resolutions (and yours) and make them more concrete and achievable. Here goes:

1) Get real

Don’t expect all of your friendships to last forever

2) Don’t settle for one BFF

Surround yourself with a number of synergistic relationships

3) Get rid of toxic friendships

If a friendship consistently drains you, brings you down, makes you nervous, or makes you angry, it is not worth keeping.

4) Don’t be a toxic friend

Don’t be too needy. Listen as much as you talk. Don’t expect any one friend to fulfill all your needs.

5) Reach back

There is no substitute for shared history. With the internet and low-cost cell phone calls, there’s no reason to not reconnect with significant friends from your past.

6) Prepare for your future

Continually work at making new friends. As we grow and mature, we need to replenish our stock to keep our friendships fresh and vital.

7) Don’t be threatened by the internet

Virtual friendships on MySpace, Facebook and LinkedIn don’t undermine friendships. Rather, they can enhance old friendships and create new ones.

8) Just do it

There is no substitute for setting aside time for your friendships and the payoff is worthwhile. Don’t just talk about getting together. Mark you calendar.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Some people worry that digital technology is eroding the face of friendship as we now know it---that time spent in virtual relationships detracts from real ones. A new report provides evidence to the contrary. Among Americans:

• 48 percent of those interviewed said that social networking sites help them build new relationships

• 44 percent said that social networking sites help them maintain current relationships

This social effect cuts across age groups:...

Another reason why the fantasy, Best Friends Forever (BFF), isn’t all it’s cracked up to be: When the all-consuming, all-fulfilling, one-and-only female friendship in your life fizzles out or blows up, you’re left in excruciating pain. And there’s no one to talk to or share your misery with. Generally, you would call your Bestie---but she’s the problem!

If you ever have unexpectedly lost a friendship that you were sure would last forever, you must realize that it is always a good idea to encircle yourself with more than just one best friend...

There is a lot to learn about friendships from what has been called the "largest-ever global survey" of how kids interact with digital technology. MTV and Nickelodeon, in association with Microsoft Digital Advertising Solutions, used both quantitative and qualitative methodologies to talk to 18,000 “tech-embracing” kids (ages 8-14) and young people (14-24) in 16 countries.

The findings from the Circuits of Cool/Digital Playground study found...

Everyone agrees that college campuses are fertile settings for the development of close relationships. Students live together, study together, and party together. With geographical proximity---and shared interests and experiences---it’s not surprising that many of the friendships that begin in college dorms and classrooms last a lifetime. But a recent study suggests that without nurturance, these relationships are at risk for falling apart...

Canadian Jenny Bullough calls her blog The Newbie: The adventures of a wide-eyed innocent in the digital world. Since I’m a bit of a newbie to the blogosphere myself, I was interested to read Jenny’s take on Redefining Friendship.

She writes: “I'm stoked to be going shopping in Second Life twice in the next few days -- tonight for skins, and Monday with the After a Fashion gang for bikinis. Not just because I've been hankering for a new skin, and a bikini to properly show it off, but because it gives me a chance to socialize with my dear friends Eden and Kate.”

If you’ve been living under a rock like me and haven’t signed on or even heard about it yet, Second Life (SL) is a 3-D virtual world that has enticed more than 7 million members from around the globe since it was created in late 2006...

When it comes to social networking sites, like Facebook or MySpace, things are largely black or white, says blogger Nancy Baym.

On her blog, Online fandom, Baym remarks: “One of the great shortcomings of social network sites as they currently exist is that almost all of them offer you only one kind of friend. It’s binary — you’re a friend or you aren’t...

A report of the Pew Internet & American Life Project looked at online friendships among American youth between the ages of 12 and 17. One of many interesting findings: There were gender differences in the ways the sites were used. Girls used them to reinforce existing friendships; boys used them to flirt and make new friendships.

The researchers found that more than half (55 percent) of the 935 youth they interviewed visit such popular social networking sites as Facebook and MySpace.