making friends

Written by Rachel Bertsche, MWF Seeking BFF chronicles the author's search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love. In her engaging daily posts, Bertsche reveals anecdotes from her quest, shares resources for meeting new people, and wonders about modern-day friendship conundrums. MWF Seeking BFF the book will be published by Ballantine in early 2012.

Today's guest post by Rachel is the fourth in a weeklong series of posts on The Friendship Blog celebration of The Month of Friendship.

 

After two years of waiting for a local BFF to emerge in my new hometown of Chicago, I've decided to go out there and find her.

 

On Tuesday, I was reminded of exactly why I've been forcing myself to ask out potential friends, despite how desperate it can sometimes feel. I was at my favorite boutique, just a block away from my apartment, looking for a dress to wear to an upcoming rehearsal dinner. Well, that and I've been trying to befriend the manager since I moved here.

 

We've become friendly enough in the time that I've been frequenting her store. The weekend I went wedding dress shopping, I showed her a picture of my potential gown for an "objective" opinion. She's told me about planning her sister's bridal shower. She knows what clothes work best on my body and can perhaps get me a discount on said outfits. She'd most certainly fill my fashionable BFF opening.

 

For a while, before I threw caution to the wind and started asking every potential BFF to dinner, I was too embarrassed to invite her to hang out. What would I say? "Hello I have no friends! Will you take pity on me?" Uh, no thanks.

 

But now that I've been at this a while, I've gotten more comfortable in the art of the asking. Like anything, it gets exponentially easier with practice. And the breezier you are (Remember Monica on Richard's answering machine? "I'm breezy!" I channel this often...) the less awkward the exchange. I promise!

 

So I went into the store in the middle of the day on Tuesday, and Manager and I were the only people there. After trying on a few dresses, I bought an adorable little black number.

"So do you work every Tuesday?" I asked her at the register.

"Yup."

"I was wondering... I work from home on Mondays and Tuesdays, and it can get really quiet and isolating. Would you want to get lunch sometime? It'd be nice to get out of the house for a little."

 

Manager was so excited. "I'd love to! I really would." She went on to tell me that she always meets really great people at the store, but she feels like she has to wait for to other person to make the move. "Otherwise, you could be like ‘why's the salesgirl asking me to lunch?' It's unprofessional."

 

This had never occurred to me. She's all 7-feet-tall and impossibly thin and pretty. The idea that maybe she wanted to be my friend too, that maybe something was holding her back never crossed my mind.

 

So we exchanged numbers and we're going to have lunch. It could maybe even become a weekly-ish affair. I have a good feeling about this one.

 

The small-but-significant exchange was an important reminder of why, when we meet someone with BFF potential, we should just go for it. Everyone wants pals. We're constantly worried that people will think we're weird for making the first overture toward friendship, but more often than not the other person is flattered. Thrilled, even.

 

And there could be a million reasons why she hasn't tried befriending you. Once Manager explained it to me, it made perfect sense that she'd have professional concerns about trying to befriend a customer. But I never would have thought of it on my own.

So this month, why not resolve to finally say something to the would-be friend you've been eyeing in yoga class/the grocery store/the office. What's the worst that could happen? No, seriously, what?

 

If you missed them, I hope you'll take a peek at the other guest posts from my blogging buddies that appeared this week, one by Debba Hauppert of Girlfriendology.com and another by Shasta Nelson of GirlfriendCircles.com. Tomorrow's guest post will be from Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop of GirlfriendCelebrations.com!

 

 

Do you ever feel---as the years pass---that you seem to be hemorrhaging friends? Maybe the language is a bit overly-dramatic but most women of a certain age begin to notice that many once-friends, even very close ones, begin to slowly slip out of their lives---sometimes for no apparent reason.

I was pleased to be interviewed by Sally Koslow, who wrote an excellent article on this very topic that appears in the September 2010 issue of More Magazine. 

 

Friends Interrupted highlights some of the reasons why middle-age friendships are so vulnerable to change. It also offers some creative approaches for stemming the flow. Koslow is the author of three novels; the latest is With Friends Like These. 

Sally writes:

I'm a born-again shy person, not the type to buzz through life in a swarm of friends or even a tight group of beloved Ya-Yas. And yet I thought I'd mastered friendship. At my 30th and 40th birthday parties, a satisfying number of warm, wonderful women shared my cake. This seemed providential, given that research tells us friendship may be as essential to good health as not weighing 400 pounds. The Harvard Nurses' Health Study is one of many bodies of research showing that the more buddies we have, the less likely we are to become ill as we age. So I feel all the more freaked out that lately I've noticed friendships becoming harder to start and harder to sustain.

You'd think that as fully vested adults, we'd have this thing down. But no. I keep hearing women lament that relationships they once considered indestructible have become casualties of various life assaults: divorce, widowhood, relocation, the empty nest, workplace bitch-slaps, health problems, glaring schadenfreude or, the most common reason of all, a simple drifting apart. Irene S. Levine, professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, claims that "the large majority of friendships are not forever." Say it ain't so, Irene! But the available evidence supports her conclusion...

 

Click here to read the article in its entirety.

 

You may wish to read this prior post on The Friendship Blog that offers some additional tips for resolving a friendship deficit.

If you feel the slightest bit shy or uncomfortable in large groups, the anticipation of attending a conference with hundreds of strangers can be absolutely daunting. Take it from me. You think about where you'll sit, whether you'll have anyone to talk to, and whether you'll be eating lunch at a table for one.

 

I'm sad to report that it doesn't get easier with age or experience, at least not for me. After attending scores of professional meetings, I'll be a first-timer at BlogHer '10 tomorrow. Earlier today, I had already begun mentally rehearsing what I might do to make the meeting more satisfying and productive and wisely asked some of my Facebook friends for their advice on how to make friends. Here are some of their suggestions and mine:

 

1. Plan ahead

Before you go, check out the list of attendees and/or speakers to see if any names seem familiar. You may spot the name of someone with whom you know you have something in common. Perhaps, you've read the person's work or you have a mutual friend. You can make plans to meet up when you arrive or you can keep your eyes open for an opportunity to meet when you get there. Another idea: Before you go, Facebook and Tweet that you're going. Maybe someone will respond and you'll no longer feel alone.

 

2. Make yourself approachable

The skills for making friends at a conference aren't too different than those for making friends anywhere else. Making eye contact and smiling suggests you're interested in being friendly. Conversely, looking into your book or down into your chest signals, "Don't bother me." Check your name tag and make sure it's not hidden or folded under a crease on your blouse. One Facebook friend suggested writing something provocative on it like, "Ask me about my ten tips for... " For me, writing "Hi" in bold print would seem highly provocative.

 

3. Engage in conversation

Yes, it's always a bit risky but you have to take chances if you really want to make a friend. So if you see something, say something: If you like someone's shoes or laptop, compliment the person. Alternatively, your M.O. might be to ask someone a question or two about the conference (interesting sessions or speakers, for example), about the locale where the meeting is being held (names of restaurants, sightseeing attractions, etc.), or something bordering on personal (when did you get here, where are you from, what kind of work do you do, etc). If you get a response, it might open the door for more conversation. If at first you don't succeed, try again with someone else.

 

4. Listen, really listen

Don't just shoot questions without giving the other person a chance to talk. Conversation requires listening attentively (This means no texting or reading emails while listening!). See what the other person wants to talk about and try to gauge her interest in meeting someone new.

 

5. Location, location, location

If you find an empty seat between two people, ask whether that seat is taken rather than looking for a seat at the end of an empty row. You will be giving yourself a shot at connecting with two potentially interesting people on both sides of you. While not impossible, it is usually tougher to make headway when you sit down next to two people who are already coupled.

 

6. Come bearing essential gifts

In the conference brochure for BlogHer, they suggest bringing a power strip to share with others. What a great idea for engaging with neighbors! You bet I have one packed in my bag already! If you aren't using an IPad or computer, an extra pen may even do the trick.

 

7. Watch the traffic

Learn the layout of the conference venue and say hello to people who look lost or confused. If there is a map of the conference area, keep it handy so someone else can borrow it. People always welcome an overture from someone who seems helpful. Two of my Facebook friends admit to using this technique.

 

8. Follow up on any reasonable leads

If you seem to be hitting it off well, see if the person wants to join you for lunch or a drink---or to share a cab back to wherever. One of my most social Facebook friends says that this is how she really cements the budding friendship.

 

9. Bring business cards

In the event that you make a potential friend or colleague at the meeting, exchange business cards with your email and blog address so you can contact each other afterwards. Sending an email that says, "It was nice meeting you," makes sure your friend-to-be has your email contact information. You can also add them as a Facebook friend or connect with the person on LinkedIn.

 

10. Guard against being intrusive

Don't be too pushy, too inquisitive, too needy or too talkative. Friendships are reciprocal so you need to be sure the other person is as interested in making a friend as you are. That will often be the case!

 

And, of course, if you want to make friends with an author, ask where you can buy her book! If you have already read it, be sure to tell her that you loved it.

 

Thanks Facebook friends for all the great ideas~

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

First of all, thank you for your blog and columns; I've gained much insight from you. I am a 42-year-old mother of two boys and I have always had trouble making friends. I've read countless books on the subject of relationships and intellectually, I know what to do: Be open, smile, ask questions, stay positive, etc. But it never seems to pan out for me in my search for finding meaningful friendships.

 

We moved to our community five years ago and I got involved in my church and kids' school. I've met women through the church moms' groups, volunteered for PTO and homeroom mom, sat with parents at sporting events, and the same thing always happens. The other women are cordial, but no one ever makes an effort to befriend.

 

I've tried inviting people to lunch or throwing a party. But it seems like I am always on the outside and the very few who attend only do so if they have nothing better going on. Recently, on two separate occasions, I discovered that a group of women were getting book groups together. I approached the organizer of each group and casually mentioned that I'd heard about their groups and, as an avid reader, would like to join. In both cases, I got the cold shoulder, change of subject, no invitation. This has happened before with two different Bunco groups when we lived in a different town. So I attempted to start a Bunco group, but it petered out after only a few months because, again, people would only come if they had nothing better to do.

 

I feel like I am always standing outside the door, begging to be let in. I'm generally a nice person, and try to be kind and compassionate to others, so I don't understand what I am doing wrong. It is especially frustrating when I see nasty, competitive women who are awful to each other at the center of every social group. Do I need to start being a mean-spirited bitch in order to have friends?

Signed,
Michelle

 

ANSWER

Dear Michelle,

No, absolutely not! You don't need to be a mean-spirited bitch in order to have friends although I can understand why you might feel that way. Unfortunately, it sounds like you live in a competitive community where the existing cliques you've encountered at school and church are pretty closed to newcomers. You may also be looking for friends in the wrong places or making poor choices.

 

Are there other women in town or are "unaffiliated" like you? If so, where might you find them? Instead of looking for a group all at once (e.g. by throwing parties or starting Bunco groups), perhaps you could seek out individuals, one person at a time. With summer approaching, might you find a potential friend at a park or a pool and could approach with your warm smile? Someone at the nail shop or at the hairdresser whom you've seen more than once and you could start a chat with? Could you sign up for an adult education class one evening and invite one person for coffee afterwards? Are there Meetup groups in your community with other people seeking new friends? Do you have any time for a part-time job that would give you the opportunity to be with people?

 

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes is called The Opposite. George Costanza (Jason Alexander) decides that because his instincts are typically wrong, he is going to do the exact opposite of what he would ordinarily be inclined to do. You don't need to take it to this comedic extreme, but could you change your tack? For example, might there be someone older or younger than you whom you haven't approached who seems friend-worthy?

 

If none of these suggestions resonates with you, confide in someone who knows you well (e.g. your mother, husband, sister-in-law, etc.), and who is willing to be brutally honest about why they think you're having trouble making friends. Is it situational or is it something you are doing or saying (or not doing or not saying)? Since they know you better, maybe their suggestions will be more on target than mine.

 

Above all, don't give up. Many women have written to me with similar problems so you aren't alone; making friends can be challenging. Despite your frustrations, try to remain confident and open. Follow your own interests so you remain an interesting person. You may need to spend more time reading, writing or gardening, before you collect enough women for your own Bunco game.

I hope this helps.

Warm regards,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Throughout my life (I am now 25) I have had problems with friendships ending poorly, usually with friends betraying and/or abandoning me. This has been a contributing factor to my depression, which, in turn, makes it harder to make new friends.

 

I have a new best friend, my husband, and he is great, but it's not the same as having girlfriends. I have tried to reach out to some of the women in my church--inviting them out for coffee or shopping-- but no one has been receptive. I seem to be incapable of making new friends and I think my depresion therapy is stalling because of it. What else can I do?

Sincerely,
Rose

 

ANSWER

Dear Rose,

It's hard to make new friends (and even keep old ones) when you're depressed so I really applaud your efforts. Depression saps your energy, turns you inward, and creates a distance between you and other people.

 

Focus on finding an activity or hobby that interests you, rather than on finding friends, per se. Perhaps there is a small group at your church or in your community where you can participate regularly and begin to meet people through common interests. It will give you time to get to know someone and gain some trust before you develop a friendship.

 

Talk to your therapist explicitly about your problem in making friends. Like depression, friendship problems are real too. Yours may be a byproduct of your depression and/or may stem from something else. He/she may be able to help you identify the underlying problem.

 

Many people with depression benefit from participation in a support group, such as those sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, where they can meet other people who understand because they are having similar problems. When your depression lifts, which it will with good treatment, the task of finding a good friend won't be as formidable. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time!

Warm wishes,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

At age 66, I lost a very close friend (45-year friendship) when she moved out of state. We talk on the phone once a week, but that isn't the same. I am happily married, but I need a good female friend. I do have other friends, but I feel the need for more. I still work, am tall, slim, dress well, attractive and "well preserved", but I find that making new friends at this age very, very difficult.

Everyone at work is younger than me, and even people in their 40s don't seem to want to "hang around" with people in their 60s. I don't volunteer, because working three days a week and taking care of other appointments, housework, etc., I simply don't have energy to also do volunteer work. I am religious but do not belong to a church, as I don't feel a need to. Any good suggestions for making friends after the age of 65?

Signed,
Claire

 

ANSWER

Hi Claire:

I've gotten numbers of letters from women of all ages who-like you-are craving female friendships. So if it's at all reassuring, please know that your situation is not unique. There are so many different times in a woman's life, when she may feel like she wants more or different friends than she has, for a variety of reasons.

Age can be a real barrier so I don't want to trivialize that. At age 65, you qualify for Medicare, which is a milestone, but even eldercare experts are coming to realize that being elderly has more to do with someone's functional limitations and state of mind than their chronological age. On that basis, you may still be young and active.

The best advice I could give you is to pursue your own hobbies and interests so you are an interesting person and can meet people who are like-minded. If church or the regular commitment of volunteer work doesn't appeal to you, cross those options off your list and find other ways to put yourself in contact with new people.

Are there continuing education classes in your community? A senior center where you could drop in (even though you would be on the young side)? A swimming or exercise class, or nearby gym you could join? Are there book clubs or civic organizations in your community? Do you have any interest in connecting with someone from your past (e.g. with whom you went to high school or college)? Might you be able to connect with a younger person at work through an interest you share in common (e.g. knitting, movies, etc.)?

There is an organization called MeetUp.com where people who are looking for companionship can either start groups in their local communities or join existing ones. They are organized by interest and by zip code. Some are specifically focused on seniors if you feel more comfortable with your age peers. There may other online communities where you can meet people with shared interests.

I was recently interviewed for an article that appeared on AOL Health on the topic of How to Make Friends as an Adult. If you glance at it, it may offer another suggestion or two that you hadn't already considered.

Unfortunately, there is no simple fix to this problem other than to keep trying and to try different things. One caution: Try not to come across as too needy. Intimate friendships take time to develop. Based on your life expectancy, you have the possibility of making new friendships that could easily last a couple of decades.

I'll be so pleased when you post a letter telling of your success.

Sincerely,
Irene

 

Rachel Bertsche left her oldest and dearest friends behind when she moved to Chicago for love. Now that she's settled in the Midwest, she's on the hunt for a new best friend. She says if there were no such thing as online predators, she'd post a want ad on Craigslist: "MWF Seeking BFF: Must live in Chicago. Must not bring her dog to lunch dates. Fluency in Entertainment Weekly preferred but not required." Instead, she's doing it the old-fashioned way-getting out there and introducing herself to one potential Bestie at a time. Her blog, www.mwfseekingbff.com, chronicles her quest. MWF Seeking BFF, the book, will be out in early 2012.

 

(Rachel is the woman in the middle of the picture with her high school friends.) Thanks, Rachel, for contributing the guest post below. We can't wait to read your book!

 

For as long as I can remember, I've surrounded myself with best friends. In fifth grade, there were seven of us. We called ourselves LYLAS (Love Ya Like A Sister). We wrote on each other's binders and sang obnoxiously loud to En Vogue's "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" during recess. Senior year of high school, I shared a yearbook page with my four closest friends. Nine years later we took a "Senior page!" picture at my wedding. By the first quarter of my sophomore year of college, I could have told you whom I'd live with when we were seniors. When that time came and we all moved into a house together, people started referring to us by our address. "Is 1113 coming?"

 

Despite this, or perhaps because of it, whenever a change is on the horizon the fear of feeling friendless is my foremost concern. The night before I left for college, I tiptoed into my parents' bedroom, as surprised as they were by the tears I couldn't get under control. I'd been eager to head off to school since I was 16-it'll be like summer camp!-and suddenly the idea of not finding the perfect group had me inconsolable. I found dear friends, of course, as we all do that first year on campus. There's nothing like dishing about mid-terms, frat parties, finances and drama-filled romances (I thought we were a couple! Turns out we were friends with benefits!) to forge lifelong friendships.

 

So when my boyfriend and I moved to Chicago to end the long-distance aspect of our relationship (he'd been in law school in Philly, I was working in New York), the fact that I didn't have Besties in the Windy City wasn't lost on me. Almost all my close friends, including two lifelong BFFs, were in New York. But by 25, I'd had enough experience meeting new people that I'd figured a new set of best friends would emerge naturally. Besides, after three years away from Matt, all I cared about was that we were in the same zip code. I'd deal with the friends part later.

 

Almost three years later, it's, well, later. Matt and I are married. We have great jobs, an apartment I'll never take for granted after living in an East Village six-story walkup, and close family blocks away. We've set up a life as close to perfect as I could have imagined when we concocted this plan, except one thing. I never did deal with the friends part.

 

As it turns out, the post-college, pre-baby phase is the exact wrong time to make new BFFs. The workplace may be a relationship breeding ground, but after spending five long days together, the weekends seem to be reserved for those you can't eat lunch with at the office cafeteria. The friends I'm looking for are of the grab-Sunday-brunch-at-the-last-minute variety. Women I'll call to say, "Do you have an outfit I can borrow for tonight?" or "Want to grab a drink?" or "I'm in your neighborhood, can I come up?" I want someone to sit and analyze every potential purchase, awkward run-in, and celebrity debacle that took place that week. I've met plenty of women I could email to set up dinner in a month, but if Matt has to work late on short notice, I've got no one to invite over to watch Glee.

 

Lifelong friends can't be replaced, and no matter who I find (or don't find) in Chicago, my closest friends will always be my closest friends. But BFFs can be supplemented, because no matter how great a heart-to-heart over the phone is, there's something much less isolating about bonding face to face.

 

I've accepted that college is over and BFF bonds are no longer formed over dorm room fries or Wednesday night study groups. If I want a local best friend, I'm going to have to go find one. As with the hunt for anything that's lost, my search starts now, with a single question: If I were my BFF, where would I be?

 

Any suggestions for Rachel? Feel free to post them below!

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

 

How does one get over being so alone? I do have a few very good friends, but too few! I am dying of loneliness! I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't seem to "connect" and make new friends. I don't want to die alone too! I'm turning 60 this year. Any suggestions?? Many thanks!

Signed,
Laura

 

ANSWER:

Hi Laura,

 

Your question obviously follows my last post mentioning two tragic news stories recently published about older women who died alone without anyone noticing for some time. The imagery was chilling and most people would hate to think of dying that way.

 

Admittedly, there are times when it is tougher than others to make new friends. For example, college students are continually thrown into contact with other people in similar circumstances. Young moms can take advantage of abundant opportunities to make friends with parents of their kids or with other women involved in school committees. If someone's working, she might become friends with colleagues. You haven't told me much about you but it sounds like you're at a place in life where you need to actively seek out friendships because it isn't occurring naturally.

 

Making friends is more a matter of circumstances than age, per se. Unless there is something about you that pushes others away, if you follow your interests and remain actively involved with people, you will be able to replenish your stock of friends. The choice is yours: Get involved with cultural, political, or social groups. Join a gym, book club, cooking club, or take a class. Volunteer in your community at the library or hospital. If you have a dog, start up a conversation with another dog walker on your route. Dogs and new babies are always great conversation-starters.

 

One caveat: Don't expect too much too soon. Friendships take time but if you are welcoming to potential friends and pursue your own passions, you'll be able to turn new acquaintances into deep friendships over time. If you come across as desperate or clingy, it might be a turnoff to a future friend-to-be.

 

Being aware of your loneliness and that you want close friendships is an important first step. I hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Irene

Whether it's an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover, most women would immediately dismiss the possibility of negotiating a real friendship with a living apparition from their partner's past. Admittedly, these relationships are thorny but they can have some upsides. My friend, life coach Lauree Ostrofsky of the Washington, DC area, offered to pen (keyboard) a guest post on the topic of befriending an ex- and here it is:

 

Not a topic often discussed, being friends with your partner's ex. But I am. She's really nice. The X factor is a challenge to navigate in any relationship. Most people I spoke to have a strict policy on the subject. "I never speak to ex's" was the most common. Followed by: "We're amicable and that's it."

 

So how did I get myself into this? Well for one, I'm new in town having just moved to Washington, DC from Manhattan six months ago. I was looking for female friends who like things I do -- art, eating out, talking about life. The guy I'm dating knew just the person: his ex-girlfriend.

 

Hold on, I thought, this can't be good. Love me, love my ex? None of my friends were keen on it either. But I figured, I should at least meet her before making a judgment...Right? I'm glad I did. She does like many of the same things I do. She has a boyfriend, and we've even double-dated.

 

Sometimes though, if I'm being completely truthful, it also feels really weird. For one, my relationship is still new. These two have known each other for a decade, share private jokes, and, I'll say it, have seen each other naked. I'd be lying if I said I didn't once in awhile feel like this was a contest I might lose.

 

I don't normally shy away from tough topics as readers of my blog know well - surgery and divorce are just two examples - but this one has nearly got me beat. I think it's hard to write about it because I'm owning up to a weakness of mine. For all my life coach-y ways, I'm human after all and it is maddening.

 

To get out of my own head I spoke to another friend, Linda, who has some wisdom on the subject. She is friendly with her ex-husband's new wife. Her thoughts helped me see the following options:

 

* Separate your feelings

Whether it is your ex's new wife, or your partner's ex, it helps to separate your feelings for one person from your possible feelings for this new person. In my case, I'm glad I did because I gained a good friend out of it.

 

* Get to know this person directly

My first conversation with my partner's ex was alone at an art festival. We met each other in the lobby having never seen one another before. Talk about a "first date"!

 

* Be inclusive

This is especially important where, in Linda's case, there are children or pets involved. If she hosts a birthday party, for example, they get an invite and they do the same in return. She said it's helped everyone feel more comfortable.

 

* Focus on what really matters

Like the previous point, with children or pets in the picture it's about priorities. Those aren't factors for me, but my feelings are just as important. It means doing what feels right instead of being a martyr about it.

 

Am I missing other options for navigating these X-factor relationships? Or, do you have your own experiences to share? I'm all ears (and eyes)!

 
Lauree Ostrofsky helps clients get clear and creative about they really want and how to go after it --- whether it's launching a new business; improving their relationships; or living each day more fully awake. Check out Lauree's website, and follow her on Twitter @simplyleapcoach.

 

I have to admit that each time I watch a re-run of Sex and The City, I'm jealous of Carrie Bradshaw's friendships. The foxy quartet seems to have infinite time and opportunity to sit, talk, and laugh.

 

For me, carving out time to meet a friend for a leisurely lunch feels like a guilty indulgence even before I look at the menu. To tell the truth, I'm so pressured by the unfinished tasks on my to-do list that I even hesitate to take the time to catch up with friends by phone. Feelings like this are eerily reminiscent of the days when I was a student weighed down by homework assignments. Now, I'm still driven by deadlines and responsibility. I know what you're thinking: A "friendship doctor" who doesn't have time to nurture her own friendships? Mea culpa. It's easy to get caught up in the stuff of life and forget what's important.

 

Even Sarah Jessica Parker isn't the same person as the character she plays in the series either. In a recent interview in USA Weekend, the busy wife, mother, actor and producer admits that she, too, is envious of Carrie. "One of the many differences between myself and Carrie Bradshaw is that it's as if she has 48 hours in the day," she says. "She can really luxuriate in her friendships and nurture them by virtue of the choices she had made in terms of career and family."

 

Certainly, the friendship patterns of the last two generations of women are infinitely more complex and dynamic than the ones that preceded them. Our lives are filled with more possibilities. When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women repeatedly echoed the sentiment that having one best friend isn't enough---particularly if that best friend moves away, gets married, changes careers, gets divorced, has children, becomes widowed, retires or her life circumstances change significantly. The dynamic lives of two close friends rarely follow parallel paths.

 

There is abundant research that suggests that close friendships are essential to a woman's health and emotional well-being; these vital ties enable them to become better wives, mothers, daughters, and workers. To maintain these relationships, though, women need to create and maintain face-to-face rituals with their female friends. This can take the form of a book club, cooking club; planning regular get-togethers; joining a civic, political or religious group; having a weekly game night (bridge, Scrabble, Bunco, or mah-jongg); or planning periodic girlfriend getaways (if your friends are out-of-towners). One woman told me that she and her best friend have a regular "date night," penciled in on their calendars each week.

 

The choices we make depend on our personalities, interests and life situations. But to make life-affirming and joyful friendships that stick, there's no substitute for putting in the time. We all need to develop routines to incorporate friendships into the ordinary fabric of our lives and make them a priority--just like Carrie and the girls.