maintaining friendships

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I wanted to ask you about travel friendships. I just returned home to the UK after a gap year in Australia. While abroad I made lots of new friends, but became very close with one of them in particular as we ended up traveling together for several months.

 

I would love your advice on how to make the transition from traveling with someone (navigating a foreign country together and sharing things on a daily basis) to being "long-distance" friends once one or both of you have returned home to your respective lives and countries.

Thanks,
Maggie

 

ANSWER

Hi Maggie,

One of the joys of traveling is making new friends. When I saw your question, I immediately thought of my friend and colleague, whom I knew could provide you with a better response than me ☺. Ellen Perlman is an experienced traveler and accomplished travel writer who blogs at www.BoldlyGoSolo.com.

 

This is Ellen's sage advice:

The best advice for maintaining a long-distance friends is to do your utmost to reach out to your friend by email, phone, Facebook - however you choose - to tell her news about yourself, ask her how she's doing, tell her that you heard or did something that reminded you of your time together, or just to check in.

 

The good news is you were lucky to find a special person to share what is likely to be a once-in-a-lifetime, months-long travel adventure. The less good, but not bad news, is that, as you suspect, it can be tough to maintain the closeness and intensity of that in-person relationship over time. But it doesn't mean you have to give up on keeping your friend close, as best you can, and accepting that the friendship is likely to change somewhat.

 

I've experienced a similar friendship transition many times. For instance, when I was in my early 30's, I met someone at Club Med in the Caribbean who I clicked with. She and I and several others formed a "gang" that had dinner together every night and talked and laughed. A lot. When the week was over, we all flew off in different directions, but Nicole and I kept in touch. The adventure was just beginning. I visited her in Montreal for a weekend and she came to see me in Washington, DC. Within a year or so, she had moved to Budapest. Score! Of course I found a way to visit her there and she showed me all around. I'm not sure I ever would have gone to Budapest if I hadn't known someone there.

The last time we got together was in Charlottesville, Virginia, at her uncle's house for a Christmas dinner. I'm not sure what happened after that. Maybe we both got too busy, or found romantic relationships or simply found it too difficult to keep up a long-distance friendship. Or perhaps, after a few years of seeing someone for only a weekend or two a year, the friendship just faded. Not in a bad way. Not due to anger or based on any discussion about what to do next. It just faded.

On the other hand, I spent a year as a university student in England several decades ago and I'm still in touch with my friend Lindsay, who I met that year. I was close with all the girls on my dorm hall but didn't manage to stay in touch with the others for more than a few years. But Lindsay and I met up and traveled together in Thailand and Hawaii, among other places. We visited each other either in the U.S. or in England a few times. I just got an email from her the other day. It amazes me that we're still in touch. And likely will indulge our mutual love of travel together again some day again, by choosing some exotic vacation destination to meet up in. It doesn't matter how many years pass before seeing each other again. We just pick up where we left off.

 

So have hope that you can make the friendship last and be the one to reach out to her even if it feels like you're making more of the effort. But don't panic over the thought that maybe you can't make it last. Nothing can take away the fun times you've already had.

 

Follow Ellen on Boldly Go Solo~

Warm regards, Irene & Ellen

 

 

A recent article in the New York Times, Fought Over Any Good Books Lately?, by Joanne Kaufman recounted the story of a woman, named Jocelyn Bowie, who was invited to join a book club shortly after she moved back to Indiana. She had hoped she could find a sisterhood of women in the group with whom she could network.

When the women began bickering about their choice of books, she decided to defect. The article goes on to describe the acrimony that is rampant among the 4 to 5 million book groups across the U.S. (predominantly made up of women)---but explains how it isn't just about the book. They disagree about "the rules" and refreshments, and butt heads over politics. I'm sure the recent polarizing election killed off more than a few groups.

I had a similarly disappointing experience in joining a short-lived writer's group. Although we all loved writing, there weren't enough ties to keep the group together and we dispersed as soon as we could, explaining it away as a summer hiatus. We were at different stages of our writing careers and at different phases of our lives---and our personalities just didn't seem to click. One person was an incessant talker and another always came late, expecting us to rewind from the beginning. No one wanted to intercede, possibly alienating another member.

 

I found out that a shared love of writing doesn't always cut it when it comes to maintaining a writer's group---just as forming and maintaining female friendships are partly a matter of luck, too. When I interviewed more than 1200 women about their female friendships, a large number of them talked about how best friends just seem to "click." They described how it felt easy and comfortable to be together from the beginning, like slipping into a worn pair of jeans, and it didn't take any work.

Friendship circles like book clubs and writers' groups are more complicated than one-on-one friendships, perhaps, because there are more personalities added to the pot. Some of us are lucky to find groups that "click" while others have to try more than once---to find the right one.

 

You may also want to read The Book Group and the Bitch Fight, a blog post by my writer friend, Joanne Rendell, author of The Professors' Wives' Club.

Time of Your Life (Random House, October 2008) is Allison Winn Scotch's second novel. It tells the story of Jillian, a thirty-something, married, suburban mother in Westchester County, New York, who suddenly sees her life playing out a different way than it did seven years ago, and takes the reader along for the ride.

 

This engaging story raises provocative questions about love, marriage, family, friendship, and motherhood. It will grab anyone who has ever had second thoughts about the road not followed. The film rights to the story have already been purchased by the Weinstein Company so watch for it to come to your local theatres!

 

Allison graciously agreed to answer my questions about the role of friendship in Jillian's story:

 

Question:
You did a lovely job portraying Jillian as a woman juggling multiple roles: wife, worker, mother, and friend. What roles did her friends, Megan and Ainsley, play in Jillian's life (lives)?

Answer:
They were really her foundation, her barometers, in both her present and her past. Whatever her crisis, her friends were stable for her - and she tried to do the same for them. I've found this to be true in my own life too: through every various incarnation of myself and my relationships and my careers, my friends have held steady, and in fact, I thank many of my dearest friends in my acknowledgments, saying, "Thank you for reminding me that where we come from is just as important as where we're going." And this pretty much sums up Jill's friendships - they carry her through wherever she might be headed. That, really, to me, is what the best of friendships can do.

 

Question:
Did you derive inspiration for those characters from your own friendships? If so, explain.

Answer:
Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that I have a few very, very close friends whom I value like family. Second to my husband (and maybe my parents), they get the phone call with any good news that I want to share. So I understood how necessary and invaluable these women were for Jillian. I also understood that there are certain things - secrets, for lack of a better word - that you can share only with these women. In fact, the inspiration for the book came from a conversation I had with my dearest friend - she was having one of those "what if" moments, and we were discussing the paths she could have taken, and I was reassuring her that these questions were entirely normal...we just don't share them publicly too often. Really, only with our most trusted confidantes. So, in that sense, yes, I derived inspiration from my friendships. But neither Megan nor Ainsley are based on my friends or literally inspired by them. But it would certainly be fair to say that my love and appreciation for them is perhaps reflected in Jillian's love and appreciation for her friends and how they help her wade through the muck of her situation.

 

Question:
Your handling of infertility was particularly sensitive. How did it become a dominant theme in the book?

Answer:
Well, the book wrestles with a variety of issues that deal with motherhood, and I wanted to explore what it might be like to want that motherhood so badly - something that Jillian is mildly blasé about - and not be able to achieve it. How would that mold you? How would you cope with it? Increasingly, as my friends and I get older, I hear of friends who struggle with fertility, and my heart breaks for them because, it's the great unknown really: who knows if you're going to get pregnant, and it can really feel like a crapshoot. But what if this was all you wanted in the world for yourself? How do you overcome that? How do you grieve? How do you move forward? Megan's experience and views really stood in contrast to Jillian's, and I thought it was a nice counter-balance and a good way to explore how much motherhood can (or can't) define you.

 

Question:
How did Jillian friendships change with marriage and motherhood? What has been your own experience?

Answer:
Jillian became more isolated, both literally and emotionally, when she married. She left so much of what she was familiar with: her job, her city, her apartment, and headed to the suburbs, and I think this was really disorienting for her, as I know it can be for many women. And then there's the whole motherhood factor: the fact that after we have kids, we might feel less connected with our single or childless friends, or they might feel less connected to us. Not that this always happens. Certainly, there are plenty of times when it doesn't happen. But, and many moms will quickly admit to this, when you have kids it becomes so, so easy to lose yourself in them, and what happens when you meet up with your single friends and all you want to do is talk about potty training or pre-school applications? It's not fair to them, and I guess it's not fair to you either. But the key, for me, has been finding common ground. In my own experience, sure, I've drifted in some friendships (or they've drifted from me) once I got married and had kids - simply because we didn't share the same common ground anymore- but the ones that were most dear, of course we made them work. We go out for dinner, and they listen to me talk about my kids, and I listen to their dating horror stories...and then we move on to gossip, careers, old friends, whatever. I think it's important that everyone make a little effort to find that middle ground - it's not hard to do in solid relationships.

 

Question:
On page 63, you mention how friends can get lost in the shuffle of life. Can you explain how or why this happens based on your own experiences?

Answer:
Sure, I alluded to it a bit above. Sometimes, when friendships are so constant in your life, you almost forget that they're there...it's like you take them for granted. "Oh, I can call her tomorrow because I have to deal with XYZ today." That sort of thing. I know that I'm totally guilty of this. Right now, for example, my best friend and I have been playing phone tag for over three weeks: she moved, I went on vacation, she got wrapped up in her son's new school, I got wrapped up in work, etc. But I've also been lucky. I've surrounded myself with women who don't need daily check-ins - we're always happy to hear from each other whenever the other has the time. I understand that my friends value me, and I also understand that they have a whole set of responsibilities that have nothing to do with me. And that's totally okay. What matters most to me is that when I really need them - with good news or with bad news - they answer the phone and listen.

Question:
Writing a novel can be pretty lonely. How do you handle your own friendships as a novelist?

Answer:
A couple of different ways: One, I have a lot of "virtual" friends! Which sounds crazy, but my writer friends whom I know from various online groups keep me company during the day when I need to connect with someone or need a break. I just head to the forums of these sites and chime in. Two, I make a point to have a girls' night at least once a month. This keeps me in touch with my college friends who have known me for almost two decades. You can't replace that kind of camaraderie, and even when I'm soooo tired and don't feel like going, I'm always so glad that I did afterward: I feel rejuvenated. And three, as I've said above, I have a short list of my closest friends who I call when I have the time...usually this is while I'm walking the dog! But after catching up for 30 minutes or so, I feel like all is well in my world...and in theirs. And that's enough to fuel me over the next few days (or weeks) when we might not have a chance to reconnect.

This weekend Jessica Foley will be celebrating her friendships by joining four friends for dinner at one of their favorite restaurants, Brown Sugar, and then see Sex and the City with them at Fenway, a movie theatre near Fenway Park in Boston.

Jessica is an accomplished 30-something trial attorney whose practice at Sullivan and Sweeney LLP focuses on family law, personal injury and criminal defense. She graduated from Northeastern University School of Law (J.D. 2001) and Smith College (B.A. Biochemistry 1997). She is a member of the Norfolk County Bar Association, the Quincy Bar Association and the Women’s Bar Association---and she volunteers in local causes including the Scituate Animal Shelter.

Jessica graciously agreed to discuss plans for her SATC Girl’s Night Out.

Jessica, can you tell me a bit about the friends who will going with you?

We are all in our 30’s. Three of us met in law school ten years ago and have been close ever since. The other two are friends we met through each other. My law school friends and I have seen each other through a critical part of our lives. When we met we were young and single and just starting out. If I recall, only one of us had a serious boyfriend. We have seen each other through boyfriends, exams, more boyfriends, break-ups, divorce, marriage, re-marriage and kids.

Do you often have a Girls Night Out?

Sadly, not often enough. When we first met none of us were married or had children. Most of us lived in Boston or the vicinity and were able to get together a lot!

Why are you getting together for the movie?

Sex and the City celebrates female friendships among very unique and different women. We are all followers of the show and different from one another. For me, it’s a chance to connect. I went to Smith, a women’s college, and formed great relationships there. It taught me just how important it is for women to support each other. I feel very lucky that I have such fantastic women in my life!

What draws women to Sex and the City?

The show follows women through their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s---through marriage, divorce, kids, infertility, boyfriends, and cancer. You name it, they cover it! All while dressing fantastically! They also plan a time to get together regularly.

What are some of the challenges you and your peers face in maintaining female friendships?

Sometimes work and life get in the way of making time for ourselves and each other. We are all on crazy schedules and have different focuses – i.e. one friend works part-time and has two little girls; one friend works at a big firm, is newly married and very busy. I am married and work full-time. One friend lives on the Cape and one works full time and has a toddler. Add husbands and extended families into the mix and it’s tough to get together with just the girls!

How important are female friendships?

Very important. In my personal life and in my career, developing and maintaining female relationships are very rewarding and help me keep my sanity.

Any other thoughts you want to share?

Thanks for asking me all these questions, now I am going to email and/or call some of my college friends I haven’t talked to in awhile. Thank goodness for technology or we might never connect.

Women are: Daughters, girlfriends, sisters, mothers, lovers, wives, workers, students, caregivers and FRIENDS!

The significance and order of these roles vary according to the person and change over time. In a 24/7 society, where multi-tasking is not only expected but often demanded, it’s not surprising that even the best of female friendships sometimes get short shrift.

Friendships are prone to fray if they aren’t nurtured. So we need to find small ways to make these important relationships stick:

• Remember her birthday with a call, card or flowers
• Send her an old-fashioned postcard next time you are on vacation.
• Send her a note on pretty stationary, for no particular reason, expressing what her friendship means to you.
• Call her to wish her and her family a happy holiday.
• Acknowledge other milestones: her promotions at work, her anniversary, or her children’s birthdays.
• Don’t be vague about when you’ll see each other again. Schedule face-to-face time.
• Take a class together or join the same gym.
• Got kids? Enroll in the same Mommy and Me class.
• Don’t ever allow three months go by without any contact.
• Email her to let her know you are thinking of her.
• If you live nearby one another, find ways to coordinate chores and other things you have to do: Schedule your mammograms together, go food shopping together, take an exercise class together.
• If you live far apart, plan a girlfriend getaway each year.
• Make her your friend on MySpace or Facebook.

How to make it stick? All it takes is making friendship a priority and a little bit of creativity in re-ordering your priorities! One woman I interviewed for the Fractured Friendship Survey told me that she exercises simultaneously with her friend who lives thousands of miles away. As they both use the treadmill, they talk and motivate one another to exercise. At the same time, they remain connected across the miles.

If you ask two friends to describe how they became Besties, they usually say “we just clicked.”

That certainly is the case for Sal Henley Kibler and Mari Maseng Will, now both 53 years old, who first met at freshman orientation at the University of South Carolina. They pledged the same sorority and roomed together from their sophomore year on. “Maybe we were drawn to each other because we were the tallest women we had ever met,” jokes Mari. (At 6 feet she is just two inches taller than Sal.)

Turning an instant friendship into a lasting one requires time and effort but Sal and Mari have been able to maintain their relationship over the years by playing the game: golf. “We are God parents for each other’s children and seem to go through life’s twists and turns pretty much at the same time,” says Sal. Despite living states apart, their shared love of golf has helped them stay connected and remain close to one another.

“Our playing ebbs and flows with the time available since we are both trying to work, raise children and spend time with our husbands,” says Mari, who lives in Washington, D.C.

“We started playing golf about five years ago, once our kids got to be tweens and our careers were a little more established,” says Sal. Now the women try to play together at least once every six weeks, although it doesn’t always work out that way.

Like most women, they find it hard to justify time away for themselves. “We are getting better at that, though,” says Mari. “Our common interest erases the miles, and the years,” she says. “We laugh all the way across the course and it feels good. Women need their community of women friends to lean on. Golf provides opportunities to be together and hours of time to talk and laugh – in the outdoors and at beautiful settings. The game is all about the golfer and the course--- at that moment. There’s no room in your head for work pressures, science projects and what you’re going to do about dinner.”

Both women place a high priority on their friendship. They realize that no matter how hard they try---their work, children and families are never going to be perfect---so they might as well have fun. “Our colleagues, our children and our husbands seem to be happier when we are,” says Mari.

Sal Henley Kibler is publisher of momseasychair.com, an online magazine and community for women who also happen to be moms. She has held executive positions at several leading advertising agencies in Atlanta, and ran her own marketing consulting firm. Mari Maseng Will was a speech writer for President Reagan and served as his last communications director. She ran corporate relations for a worldwide consumer products company, and served as press secretary and then communications director in Bob Dole’s Presidential campaigns. Today she runs her own business consulting with major corporations, industry groups and non-profit organizations.

What a wonderful milestone it is to reach a 95th birthday---but imagine the added pleasure of being able to share your cake with someone you’ve known for 90 years!

Edith Brook and Una Kilner were born two days apart in 1917, met on their first day of school at Longley Hall five years later, and have stayed connected ever since. Well, almost. There was a brief period when they lost touch with one another as they raised their respective families.

According to an article in today’s UK Telegraph, the two women have vowed never to let that happen again. The article quotes Mrs. Kilner: "We meet every fortnight to catch up. We always phone each other and we'll stick together through thick and thin."

Some say that the pair’s friendship is the oldest one across the pond.

One of my oldest and dearest friends, Diana, has a memory like an elephant. I’m always amazed (and sometimes embarrassed) that she can recount vivid details of things that happened to the two of us several decades ago. She even remembers events I told her about that never directly involved her!

As we age, friendships become more dear---especially old ones. Knowing someone who knew you then is almost like taking a journey back to your youth. Friends can help us retrieve old memories and understand the characters and context of our lives better than anyone else.

An old Turkish proverb goes like this, Bir kahvenin kirk yil hatiri vardir, which translates into English: A cup of coffee commits one to forty years of friendship. One interpretation of the proverb is that no friendship should be taken lightly because friendship is a long-term commitment.

In reality, most female friendships tend to be transitional rather than long-term. As we cycle through life---childhood, high school, college, marriage, children, careers, etc.---we change and grow as do our friendships...

Some people worry that digital technology is eroding the face of friendship as we now know it---that time spent in virtual relationships detracts from real ones. A new report provides evidence to the contrary. Among Americans:

• 48 percent of those interviewed said that social networking sites help them build new relationships

• 44 percent said that social networking sites help them maintain current relationships

This social effect cuts across age groups:...