lonely

I rarely post a link to someone else's article on my blog but I absolutely loved this essay by Walter Kirn that touches on  friendship, loneliness and Facebook.

A Facebook Christmas Love Story (subtitle: How Facebook cured my holiday loneliness) was published in the New York Times Magazine on Sunday, December 20th. While a widely reported study co-authored by Nicholas Christakis of Harvard Medical School (published in this month's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) suggests that loneliness is contagious, this essay suggests that when a lonely person reaches out, even digitally, they may find a satisfying connection.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

P.S. Kirn is the author of Up in the Air~

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

This is a strange tale and quite honestly if I knew what to make of it all, I wouldn’t be writing. I have two best friends: the first (BF1), a girl I grew up with and with whom I have a very deep and social relationship; the second (BF2), a girl with whom I went to University and have a close relationship like a sister.

I moved in with BF2 last year after I moved away from my hometown where BF1 lived, but I was only a 20-minute drive away so I didn’t think this would be a problem. I was used to spending every weekend and holiday with BF1 (BF2 lived further away until we moved in together). It is worth pointing out that BF1 has had an issue with BF2 in the past over something trivial.  

BF1 kept cancelling dates with me and many months were going by and I had only seen her twice. She told me she might not be coming to my birthday party as her office party was the night before and she might be hung over. Devastated, I wrote an email telling her I was sad she couldn’t come, and asked if she wanted to talk to me about what had been going on over the past 8 months as I missed her. She responded with vitriol telling me that I thought I was too good for her and how dare I say she was a bad friend.

I responded with an immediate apology. I said I was deeply sorry for whatever hurt I had caused and I wanted to sort this out as our ten-year friendship was worth so much to me. I was met with silence. I have since pleaded with her on five occasions via text and email to speak to me to sort this out but I have never gotten a response.

BF2 knew how devastated I was about what had happened and even went so far as to say how angry she was with BF1. BF2 and I went on holiday last summer and one night she exploded at me telling me that I was an emotional drain and she couldn’t stand me sometimes. I cried and begged her not to be so cruel but she continued by saying that nobody tells me what they think of me so she was going to.

She was shouting that I take everything I have for granted (the back story of this was I was a model and she apparently has an "issue" with this). She had recently been dumped it is worth pointing out. I responded trying to calm her down, saying that I understood she was under a lot of pressure at work and the situation with her ex had been dreadful and that I was always here for her. Maybe I should have just shouted back, I don’t know.

Anyway since then, I quit my job. I had the extremely distressing incident of being sexually assaulted at work then driven out of my job. The perpetrator was my boss. To make ends meet, I had taken a job that BF2 apparently didn’t agree with morally. This job does not affect her in any way; I kept it very separate from our friendship together.

However, she now won’t even spend time with me. She spends every weekend with someone else. She never wants to talk to me anymore, is moving out, and she is planning her birthday without me. She declined to come to my parents’ anniversary party that she comes to every year, my sister’s wedding, you name it. She makes me feel disgusting. All I want is for us to be friends again. Surely, our friendship is worth saving? I would do anything for her and love her so much.

I lost my childhood best friend to a violent crime when I was 19 years old so I can’t lose the only other friend I have ever loved. Do I have too? What can I do? I am so lonely now and feel like my social life is non-existent. I don’t know what I have done. I would apologize for it, if it would help. I now feel that I am a toxic person who nobody wants to love or to be close with because once they get to know me, they will discover they hate me. I know this sounds irrational but I am so low that I’m almost suicidal. Please help me.

Signed,
Feeling Like A Toxic Friend

ANSWER:

Hi,

I’m so sorry that this has been such a difficult time for you. It is very stressful to move, experience a sexual assault, be forced out of your job, and lose your two best friends over  a relatively short period of time. The trauma of a sexual assault can be emotionally devastating, especially when the perpetrator is a boss whom you may have trusted. All of this has to be unnerving.

For whatever reason, it sounds like BF1 may have felt abandoned when you moved in with BF2. But you have given her multiple opportunities to patch up your friendship and she isn’t able to do so at this point in her life. It’s always hard to give up a friendship with so much shared history but I think you need to put that one aside for now; you don’t have any other choice. You may be able to reclaim it sometime in the future.

When BF2 ended her relationship with you, she did it in an unnecessarily cruel and uncaring way so I can understand how you might be reeling from it---particularly when it comes as one in a series of losses. She was very judgmental about your job choice and I’m wondering if you are uncomfortable about that choice as well.

Given how lonely and depressed you feel, you should contact a mental health professional to help you work through these losses and move forward. If you have any thoughts of suicide, you should contact a suicide hotline immediately.

Although you have a track record of being able to make and keep friends, it sounds like you have lost confidence in yourself and your ability to be a good friend. An objective person, like a therapist, may be able to help you think through and resolve the impact of these traumatic events. At the same time, try not to isolate yourself and succumb to feeling like you are toxic. Look for opportunities to be with other people, including your family and other casual friends.

Best wishes,

Irene

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

Hi Irene,

I telephoned a girlfriend today for a chat and to see how see was doing and she hit me with a bombshell. She politely told me that she saw no point in continuing our friendship. She said she was making positive changes in her life and I wasn't included.

We have had one disagreement in the six years we have known each other. We are both busy moms and live in different towns so most of our friendship is over long phone calls. We are both Americans living abroad and we have found creature comfort in talking to a fellow-country woman.

Though I understand that we were never best, best friend-our interests are different-we were always there for each other to share joys and tears. I told her that I had to respect her decision but I admitted I was confused why she felt the need to cut it off entirely. We didn't have some screaming fight. We laughed with each other, gave support when the other needed it. I babysat when she asked and included her daughter in all my kids' parties.

She said she was looking for a best friend. Someone whom she could go out and have a drink with. She said she didn't feel like putting any energy into a phone friend. I understand what she was saying but I don't get why she had to dump me as a friend totally. Can she only have one friend at a time?

I am a mom with three little boys and a husband who comes home late. I rarely have an option of a babysitter, so nights out are even rarer still. My friend is a single mom who has one day during the week and every other weekend child-free because of visitation with the child's father. I understand her need to let loose but I thought she understood my situation too. I am sad. I miss our girl chats. I miss being her Dr. Freud. I know a lot of people in this foreign country but she was my touchstone to home and I didn't have to explain who I was because she already knew. I really feel alone.

Sincerely,
Dumpee

ANSWER:

Dear Dumpee,

It is always painful to be dumped, especially without any real explanation. To make matters worse, your friend was unnecessarily blunt and showed little respect for your feelings. Your friend's reasons for suddenly breaking off the relationship in a hurtful way are as inexplicable to me as they are to you.

There are a few things you've mentioned (and that you may have overlooked) that suggest your friendship may have been imperfect to start: While you are both ex-pats, you have different interests, fairly different lifestyles (single mom of an only child vs. married mom with three little ones), and live in different towns with few opportunities to see one another. While none of these differences are necessarily relationship killers, it sounds like there just weren't enough ties to bind you other than you country of origin.

Your life sounds pretty constricted right now (your husband has long working hours, you are still adjusting to living in a foreign country away from old friends and extended family, and you have few childcare options), so admittedly, this is a tough time to make new friends and it's natural to feel alone.

It sounds like this lost friendship may have been a relationship of convenience for the two of you. You mention that you liked being your friend's "Dr. Freud," which suggests that you were on the giving end of the relationship more than the receiving one. When relationships are tipped in one direction like that, they are often prone to fracture.

You deserve to have a close friend with whom you can share feelings-but one that is more reciprocal. My advice: Try to find a replacement closer to home. You may have more in common with someone in your neighborhood than you do with this ex-pat---perhaps, a mother of one of your children's friends. At different times in a woman's life, it may be more or less difficult to make and maintain female friendships. Before you know it, your little ones will be older and you will have more time and options.

You have a very full plate right now so, perhaps, on an interim basis you could reconnect by email to some of your friends from back home. I'm sorry this happened but I think it has more to do with her than with you. Don't over-analyze why she did it because you'll never be able to figure it out. Instead, move forward and find new ways to address your own needs for friendship.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

Hi Irene,

It's almost funny that I found your site and am now writing to you---as I don't have ANY female friends. I can't keep a friend to save my life. If I hit it off with someone, I end up sabotaging the friendship. I say "yes' to plans and then start panicking about what to do, say, wear, and ultimately end up thinking of an excuse so that I won't have to go.

I don't like the phone so I don't call people back. I suffer from severe anxiety and it really cripples my ability to trust. I don't trust girls because I've always been disappointed with them. I should probably also mention that I am in a very happy and fulfilling relationship and am getting married in September...My energy is always focused on my fiancé and I know that in doing so, I relinquish the ability to "give" myself to potential friends. I don't think that is wrong, but then why do I get sad when I don't have a Girls' Night Out to go to?

Finally, one other key piece - I have a twin sister who, while we email/speak every day, I am too much for her. She constantly pushes me away and always holds me at arms length. It's really sad, and I do wish for more. This email seems too disjointed to even send, but I might as well put it out there anyway.

All the best,
Fran

ANSWER:

Hi Fran:

It sounds like as much as you would like to have female friends---you just don't feel comfortable making friendships or being around people you don't know very well.

One possible explanation is that you are suffering from a condition called social anxiety (also called social phobia). People with social anxiety feel like they are constantly being evaluated by other people and even may become viscerally uncomfortable in the presence of others. Given these uncomfortable feelings, it's understandable that the person would try to avoid or escape from social situations, even ones they would really to participate in, like parties or other social events.

The National Institute of Mental Health has an excellent online publication that describes some of the hallmark symptoms of social anxiety. People with social anxiety:

• are very anxious about being with other people
• are very self-conscious in front of other people; that is, they are very worried about how they themselves will act
• are very afraid of being embarrassed in front of other people.
• are very afraid that other people will judge them
• worry for days or weeks before an event where other people will be
• stay away from places where there are other people
• have a hard time making friends and keeping friends
• may have body symptoms when they are with other people, such as blushing, heavy sweating, trembling, nausea, and having a hard time talking

You seem to have remarkable insight into your predicament so it would definitely be worthwhile for you to discuss this problem with a mental health professional. There are a range of medications and behavioral approaches that make social anxiety eminently treatable. While you may never be the life of the party, when treated, you may find that you have no problem making friends and enjoying their company.

It's great that you have a good relationship with your fiancé but you are missing out on other relationships that may also be rewarding. I'm not sure what the problem is between you and your twin sister---she may not understand how you're feeling or acting. Alternatively, it may be totally unrelated to this problem.

It was very brave of you to write. Interestingly, people with social anxiety often feel more comfortable with virtual friends than face-to-face ones.

I have every confidence that you will change---because you want to! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. If you are planning a wedding, it would be great to get this problem in check before then.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I love your blog (well, love it AND hate it, because I see myself in too many of these posts!). You concentrate on "fractured friendships" and right now I'm feeling low because the Sex and the City movie is about to appear in theaters...my favorite series, and I have no gal pal to go with.

While others are organizing SATC movie parties, my two best girl friends long ago "fractured" (well, they were complete breaks) our friendships. One was my girlfriend since high school days who was my maid-of-honor, and lives far away from me; the second, a more local gal who took her place, and then gave up on me over a year ago. Inboth instances, they ended the longtime friendship because they disapproved of my having an affair (an affair that's lasted longer than either of these friendships, I might add...over 20 years). I never put any limits on my friendships with women OR with men; I love them for who they are, both the good and the bad traits. I don't judge.

But now with the SATC movie out, I guess I'll just have to go alone to a matinee andgrin and bear it. I even asked my (woman) hairdresser yesterday when I was getting a haircut/color if she wanted to go with me (she's half my age, and we are friendly but not quite "friends") and she replied she "hates going to movie theaters." [Darn those Gen Xers!]

Just wanted to bring this to your attention. This can be tough for women sufferingfrom "fractured friendship syndrome.” I have plenty of male friends -- much to my husband's chagrin -- none of whom would be caught dead in that movie theater with me next Friday! Keep up the good work.

Signed, Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks so much for reading my blog and sending your note.

Sounds like you are experiencing a friendship deficit, something that many women experience from time to time. It's been there but reading my post about Sex and the City probably made you more aware of it. That's good! Now you know you want to make more new friends. And just like relationships with men, you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you meet a prince.

Not wanting to see the movie with you doesn't mean your hairdresser rejected you. Instead, it may suggest that the person you selected may be a poor fit for you. I find that I have a hard time being friends with people who don't laugh at Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld, two of my favorite TV shows. It's not a fatal flaw but often is suggestive that there may be too many differences between me and someone else to be really close to one another. I do think that you can tell a lot about a friend by the entertainment she likes.

My suggestion would be to go see the movie alone. I'm sure you won't be the only "single" there. Sit next to someone else who is alone and start up a conversation. If you can't find an empty seat that fits the bill, having seen the movie will still serve as fodder for conversation with another potential female friend.

You seem to have no problem making male friends so you certainly have the relationship skills you need. Just put yourself in more situations with other women and give your relationships time to grow.

My best,
Irene

What do lonely people do when they need friends but have none? According to new research, they tend to anthropomorphize: They attribute human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena.

“When people lack a sense of connection with other people, they are more likely to see their pets, gadgets or gods as human-like,” says psychologist Nicholas Epley, an assistant professor at the University of Chicago, in a press release.

The loneliness of having too few friends or being totally bereft of friends can be excruciatingly painful. In fact, Epley suggests that it can even be deadly. “It’s actually a greater risk for morbidity or mortality than cigarette smoking is. Being lonely is a bad thing for you,” he says.

The researchers suggest that humanizing the inhuman may confer some of the same benefits that people derive from friends and other social relationships. The bottom Line: If you find yourself talking to your cat, you may want to think about whether you have a friendship deficit that needs to be addressed.

The study will appear in the February issue of Psychological Science. Also contributing to the research were Scott Akalis of Harvard University and the University of Chicago’s Adam Waytz and John Cacioppo.