letting go

Whether it's the occasion of a birthday or an anniversary, or the passing of another year or of another decade, it's human nature to periodically take stock of things. Turning the page on the calendar means looking back and looking forward, which often brings into bold relief those aspects of our lives where we think we've fallen short and want to do better. Most people (and resolutions) focus on health, finances, family and career---but our friendships also warrant some thought and close examination.

 

Here are 5 suggested ways to go about it:

 

1) Take stock of your inventory and rid yourself of any excess

No one relishes having a cluttered closet or overstuffed chest of drawers filled with so much "stuff" that they don't know what they have or can't access what they need. It can be as daunting as facing an empty closet or one with clothes that don't fit. Similarly, having too many friends (even good ones) or too many questionable friendships (Think: frenemies) can be a distraction that weighs someone down.

So, to start, I would suggest that you spend some time this week, perhaps a half-hour, assessing which of your friendships are true ones and decide to make them a priority. It might even help to make a list on paper. Because time is so finite, the trick to living a good life is skillfully balancing your family, career, friendships and private time so that it meets your own goals and desires. Consign the less rewarding friendships to a top shelf in your virtual closet where you don't often go and keep the treasured ones in view where they can be enjoyed and nurtured.

 

2) Examine whether you've been spending your time and energy with emotional vampires

Do you have a roster of toxic friends or frenemies in your life? (Caution: Having just one of them may be too much.) Do you have close relationships that are filled with ambivalence and hostility and that seem to drain your energy and leave you feeling stressed? Do some of your relationships feel one-sided and simply take too much work? Is your friend judgmental or competitive, by nature?

While most research on friendship and health focuses on the positive relationship between the two, some relationships are simply too stressful to be rewarding. One study (see reference below) suggests that the stress of unpredictable, ambivalent, love-hate relationships can lead to elevations in blood pressure. According to the researchers, a relationship with a friend who is "unreliable, competitive, critical or frustrating" would fall into this category .

In her final column in the Washington Post, columnist Ellen Goodman wrote about the importance of "letting go," reiterating thoughts she had written some 30 years earlier: "There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives...It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out."

Are you only hanging on to one or more friendships only because of your reluctance to let go of a shared history? Perhaps, you need to let go.

 

3) After you look carefully at your friendships, entertain the possibility that even with the friends you have, you may be lonely

Like our lives, friendships are dynamic and change over time. The friend you made in high school, the mom-friend you made when your children played together, or the woman you shared an office with may have little in common with you now. Each time we grow or make situational changes in our lives, it impinges upon our friendships. That's why we need to be open to making friends at every age and stage of our lives-whether at work, at school, or in your neighborhood.

It's easiest to form friendships with people with whom who have something in common. If you don't come into contact with many people (perhaps you're a new mother, in middle-age sandwiched between caregiving responsibilities, or have just moved to a new town where you don't know anyone), create opportunities to meet friends by pursuing your own interests (creative, athletic, political, spiritual). Join a gym, a book club, or a meetup group.

 

4) Make sure you have at least one "best friend"

It's far easier to acquire hundreds of Facebook "friends" and scores of Twitter followers than it is to develop a sense of intimacy and caring with a far more limited number of people that you would consider "best friends." Each of us needs at least one close friend with whom we feel open and trusting enough to bare our true selves; more than one is even better. These intimate relationships help affirm whom we are and whom we want to become.

Initially, two people "click" and feel comfortable together but a close friendship builds over time. There are no guarantees that these relationships will last forever but the risk of them withering away increases greatly if they aren't nurtured with time and caring.

 

5) Resolve to be a better friend to others

Do you give as much as you ask for? We may feel so comfortable with our closest friends that we take them for granted. Or we may be so set in our ways that we aren't sensitive to them.

I've been blogging about female friendships on The Friendship Blog for almost three years and have written nearly three hundred posts during that time. The most widely read post was written in February 2009 on the topic of "needy friends." Readers said they resonated to that post because they either felt that their friends demanded more than they were able to give or else that they, themselves, recognized that they were needy people who alienated others.

So perhaps a reminder is in order that in order: To have a best friend you have to be one. People need to be attuned to their friends' needs and give as much as they get. Although the balance shifts from day to day or from year to year, overall, a relationship needs to be reciprocal to have staying power.

Best wishes for the New Year! May it be filled with precious friendships that bring you health and happiness!

 

Reference: 

Holt-Lunstad, J., Uchino, B. N., Smith, T. W. & Hicks, A. (2007). On the importance of relationship quality: The impact of ambivalence in friendships on cardiovascular functioning. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 33, 1-12.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

About a year and a half ago I broke up with a friend and I'm still not over it. I was hoping you could offer some insight. I’ve known this girl since 6th grade when she stopped speaking to me over some boy. We became friends again in 7th grade but she always needed a new best friend. She moved out of state in 8th grade and made me promise to go to college in her state.

Well, I did move there and got married (she got married too). The four of us would hang out some but she did the same things as she did in elementary school: she'd just stop calling or she would ask for rides or a babysitter when she needed something and we'd be there to help. But if we needed something she'd just whine and complain. We moved a couple times within the same city and she was always negative about were we lived, saying we lived in a bad neighborhood (when we didn't and we had a brand new house).

Finally my husband and I stopped speaking to them because we felt like we were being used. About 3 years later, I started feeling guilty so I called her to see how she was and she was happy to hear from me. We started hanging out again and things seemed all right. I actually helped her to get a job at the same place where I worked with my husband.

My husband and I started to have problems and were considering a divorce. It turns out that she HATED my husband. She kept encouraging me to divorce him and spread rumors about him at work. Apparently she was talking about me, too, and spreading our personal problems to everyone we worked with. It made work very uncomfortable but she denied saying anything. She told me I shouldn't have told her any of my problems if I didn't want them to be known!

I ended up getting my own place and separating from my husband. I was very depressed and could hardly get out of bed. She was always mad at me for not “snapping out of it”. I eventually went to a doctor and got on anti-depressants and starting seeing a therapist, but she kept talking about me, saying that the anti-depressants weren’t good for me. She told me that I needed to convert to her religion to find happiness and get over the depression.

I agreed to go to church with her a few times but after a couple months decided it wasn't the place for me. When I began studying with a Rabbi she began saying horrible things about Jewish people and constantly told me how “sorry” she was that I was going to hell. I ended up moving out of state for a new job and to start a new life: I had planned to remain friends with her and talk to her from out of state.

Once I moved, she started sending me bible tracts and told me that Hebrew was a “bad language” to learn. Then I received an email with childish insults and name calling from both her and her husband. I just couldn't take it anymore and didn't want to fight, or call names so I just stop talking to her altogether. I deleted all the emails I got from her without ever reading them and changed my phone number.  Now she has befriended my mother on Facebook and constantly leaves my mom messages about how great she is. I feel like she's crossed the line by trying to be friends with my mom or she's displaying some passive aggressive behavior.

I feel a lot of guilt over this and feel like it is immature for me to stop being friends with someone. My life has improved A LOT since I stopped being friends with her and my self-esteem has climbed. Should I feel guilty over this? I feel like it is something that some middle school girls would do but I never imagined adults would stop speaking like this. Should I say something to her about being Facebook friends with my mom? Or do I just let this go?

Signed,
Unable to Let Go

ANSWER:

Dear Unable to Let Go,

I hope that by posting your dilemma on this blog and reading it in black-and-white, it helps clarify your answer to the question you posed: Should I just let this go? When other women write about their friendship dilemmas, the answers are often in shades of gray. This one isn’t.

It sounds like your ex-friend has been possessive, self-centered, negative and controlling from the time she was an adolescent and she still hasn’t outgrown it. While you tolerated her for some time, you and your husband appropriately decided to end the relationship. The same attitudes and behaviors you overlooked in middle school were less acceptable when you saw them appear in an adult.

Like most women, you tried to put a positive spin on your friendship when you attempted to renew it three years later. Then your friend began to encourage you to leave your husband, spread rumors about you and your husband to your colleagues, and betrayed confidences about you to people at work. I can’t help but think that she was alienating you from him and your co-workers so she could have you for herself again. Then she tried to dictate your religious beliefs and showed little sensitivity to or understanding of your values or emotions. Besides, people generally don’t “snap out” of a clinical depression.

Don’t you remember you changed your phone number to avoid contact wit her and even deleted her emails? Why would you ever feel guilty for cutting off a friendship like this one? You deserve so much better.

Why would you want to re-friend someone who has been such a negative influence? Yes, she crossed the line by trying to befriend your mom and there is no point in initiating contact with her over this. However, you should let your mother know how nasty your friend has been to you so she doesn’t get sucked in. The rules of friendship on Facebook are often pretty murky but I would think your mother wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with your ex-friend if she knew how much pain she had caused you.

Clearly, you are feeling happier and more self-confident since you broke off with her. Yet you are guilty and ashamed about separating from a long-time friend. You seem to be tied to they myth that “best friends are forever” but generally, this isn’t the case. Being able to let go, in this situation, wouldn’t be immature; in fact, it would be a sign of your maturity. You need to let go and move on. This woman sounds like a toxic friend.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

I'm so glad that I happened upon this website. I've been struggling with my relationship with my long-time, former-best-friend Linda. It's been a gradual deterioration over the last couple of years and a long grieving process. I'm trying to figure out if this friendship is worth salvaging or if I just need to talk to her to gain some closure.

 

Linda and I had been thick as thieves since our sophomore year of high school 11 years ago. Along the way, there have been times of distance, which generally occurred when she was in a relationship. The biggest difference between us is that she always bemoaned the fact that she didn't have a huge group of friends, while I've always been content to have a few close ones. Our friendship was probably its healthiest in high school. I don't know when it changed exactly, but within the last few years since exiting university and entering the working world, I have become the one who listens, without being heard.

 

Linda had a particularly unhealthy romantic relationship a couple of years ago. I tried to be supportive of her feelings and not be judgmental. But our almost daily conversations, which often lasted for hours upon hours, were completely focused on the current drama in that relationship. It became exhausting and as someone who unfortunately likes feeling helpful, I didn't curb her excessive and repetitive discussions. Eventually things ended badly with that guy, but the phone calls remained the same.

 

Shortly aftert, Linda reconnected with a classmate, Ann, from college and the three of us started to hang out. Ann is very outgoing, has a huge social circle (which is slightly overwhelming to me as I am somewhat shy) and is very active in the Catholic youth ministry in our city. Linda used to be incredibly uncomfortable with overt religiosity, but she found Ann fun to hang out with, despite her focus on faith. Eventually, Linda hung out more and more with the group, especially when she fell for Ann's brother, who is also very religious. Linda started to become more religious herself. While, I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, it did seem out of character. Then she became further involved by becoming a youth minister herself.

 

While she would still call to complain and vent, she was not calling to hang out on the weekends like we used to. She only called for what felt like a therapy session. Our friendship had become taxing and one-sided. I missed doing things with Linda like shopping, and going to movies and bars, etc., getting out and laughing instead of just wallowing and worrying. I'm a fairly independent person and I do enjoy time alone but I get depressed when I have no social outlet whatsoever. And that's how it ended up. From the summer of 2006, she has been steadily less available to hang out, but always, at least until recently, ready to call me when she's needed a sympathetic ear.

 

I have a few other great friends that I would say are just as close and important to me as Linda has been, but unfortunately, they live in various spots across the country. I talk to them and email them frequently, but due to the distance we aren't able to be together. ike I can be more open about how I feel with them than I can with Linda. Somewhere along the line, I stopped trying to communicate my feelings or frustrations because she would give me a one-line response that inevitably brought her back to herself.

 

About a year ago, I finally decided to go after my dream of teaching ESL abroad and this past February, I moved to Chile for about 6 months. It was a great experience which cemented the direction I want to take my life at least for now. I've been home a few months and am planning to go off on the next adventure in spring. But the professional motivation aside, I also thought it would be good to have some space from Linda. We still wrote each other emails, but she's not big on writing, preferring phone conversation, so she wasn't venting nearly as much. I felt good with that distance and thought it might help how I'd feel about it all when coming home.

 

However, in June she started dating another youth minister. I've seen her only three times since I came home in August and she doesn't call me much. We haven't spoken for 3 weeks, which would have previously been unheard of. Two months ago, she apologized for not calling, saying she's been busy with her boyfriend but that I need to call her on it, keep things up because she's just so distracted with him. But I am being stubborn and not calling very much. I did initiate our last get together after she sent me a one line note via Facebook asking me what I was up to. Coming from her, who has always been so resistant to online communication, I was hurt that she didn't just call me.

 

I've felt pretty depressed about my social life since coming home. It's been fairly non-existent aside from spending a lot of time helping a friend with her wedding. I feel like I need to find new friends here, but I'm not sure where to begin. In some ways it's more difficult at home than when I lived in a foreign country to forge new friendships and though I'm working on my shyness, I don't know how to approach this. I never felt very comfortable in the youth ministry circle because I cannot match their devotion. I am still questioning and searching for my spirituality. I know that Linda spends all her time with her boyfriend and that circle and they are the only ones I used to hang out with here.

 

Part of me feels like I need to let this friendship go, but with so much history, I don't know how to find closure. I want to talk to Linda about how I've been feeling, but I don't know how to do it or how receptive she will be to hearing it. Should I try or if not, how do I end this grieving process? Thanks for listening.

Signed,
Saddened

 

ANSWER

Dear Saddened:

 

Circumstances may change but personality endures. Linda has been self-centered since high school and ditches you whenever she has the opportunity to be with a guy. When her relationship implodes, she wants you to be around to listen and provide support. You have been loyal, supportive and willing to accept a fractured friendship in the hope that it will improve. How likely do you really think it is that she will change?

 

You mentioned that you are shy so it's not surprising that you prefer intimate friendships rather than socializing in groups---and I suspect that it takes some effort for you to make new friends but you know you can do it. While moving to Chile was positive in pointing you in a satisfying career direction and was also good for you socially (everyone likes to befriend a new visitor), the move may have compounded your loneliness when you got back home.

 

Much of Linda's life (and that of her friends) revolves around the youth ministry and religion/spirituality. If that doesn't feel like a good fit for you, there is no reason to try to squeeze a square peg into a round hole. Try to find people in other places who share your common interests, not hers. Perhaps you can find new friends in your workplace or else by joining various community or civic organizations.

 

It may take a while but I think you are better off spending your time looking for a healthy relationship than going back to one that isn't satisfying. It's great that you had a close friendship while it lasted and it sounds like you have already reached some closure. Whether or not you want to convey your thinking to Linda, and whether she will listen, is up to you but I don't think it's necessary. You can decide to say nothing and keep the relationship more distant because Linda is likely to be more tolerable in small doses. My suggestion: Move forward and you will soon find that you are no longer looking back.

 

My best,
Irene