lawyer

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

I just had an argument with my best friend of about a year and a half. We go to law school together and are usually inseparable. She recently got out of a relationship that ended badly and, as a result, she's taken a zero-tolerance approach to dealing with people.

I recently started seeing someone who is a mutual friend. My new boyfriend and she don't see eye to eye so if my boyfriend would call, I wouldn't call her to join us---to avoid a conflict.

For the last three days, she hasn't called or texted me which I find odd since we speak every day. She said I ditch her for guys and that she's tired of dealing with me and feels our friendship is dead. When I started dating my last boyfriend, she says I would make plans without her as well. She said she's felt that way for a while and has just kept quiet about it. She is livid.

I tried to explain but she says I only make excuses. By the end of our conversation, she said she will see how things go for now, but she is unsure that I am capable of repairing my mistakes.

What can I do to show her that I never meant to ditch her or offend her in any way and I value our friendship? I always tell her I love her as if she was my sister and I'm very upset that she feels this way. Please help!

Signed,
Claire

ANSWER

Dear Claire:

Even though you are best friends, while it would be nice, it doesn't necessarily mean that your boyfriend has to get along with your friend (or vice versa). You also shouldn't have to sacrifice one relationship at the expense of the other.

You don't say what explanation you gave her, but if you have broken appointments with her (particularly at the last minute) to see your boyfriend or failed to support her when she needed you, she would be justified in feeling disappointed and hurt. Or maybe you should have been more explicit in explaining why you didn't invite her to join you.

Alternatively, you may have done everything right but since your girlfriend is still reeling from her recent breakup, she may be more edgy than usual and be prone to blow small slights out of proportion.

In either case, here are my suggestions:

• Apologize for any hurt you may have caused her.

• Let her know how important your friendship is to you that you want to support her during this difficult time.

• Tell her it's okay that she and your boyfriend don't get along and that one relationship isn't exclusive of the other.

• Explain that there will be times when you will be spending time with your boyfriend, but that you will make time for her as well. Have a candid discussion about ways you can incorporate each other into your lives comfortably.

If you have already done all of this, you may need to wait a little bit longer until she can hear your. Perhaps, writing your sentiments in a nice card would help.

Best,

Irene

This weekend Jessica Foley will be celebrating her friendships by joining four friends for dinner at one of their favorite restaurants, Brown Sugar, and then see Sex and the City with them at Fenway, a movie theatre near Fenway Park in Boston.

Jessica is an accomplished 30-something trial attorney whose practice at Sullivan and Sweeney LLP focuses on family law, personal injury and criminal defense. She graduated from Northeastern University School of Law (J.D. 2001) and Smith College (B.A. Biochemistry 1997). She is a member of the Norfolk County Bar Association, the Quincy Bar Association and the Women’s Bar Association---and she volunteers in local causes including the Scituate Animal Shelter.

Jessica graciously agreed to discuss plans for her SATC Girl’s Night Out.

Jessica, can you tell me a bit about the friends who will going with you?

We are all in our 30’s. Three of us met in law school ten years ago and have been close ever since. The other two are friends we met through each other. My law school friends and I have seen each other through a critical part of our lives. When we met we were young and single and just starting out. If I recall, only one of us had a serious boyfriend. We have seen each other through boyfriends, exams, more boyfriends, break-ups, divorce, marriage, re-marriage and kids.

Do you often have a Girls Night Out?

Sadly, not often enough. When we first met none of us were married or had children. Most of us lived in Boston or the vicinity and were able to get together a lot!

Why are you getting together for the movie?

Sex and the City celebrates female friendships among very unique and different women. We are all followers of the show and different from one another. For me, it’s a chance to connect. I went to Smith, a women’s college, and formed great relationships there. It taught me just how important it is for women to support each other. I feel very lucky that I have such fantastic women in my life!

What draws women to Sex and the City?

The show follows women through their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s---through marriage, divorce, kids, infertility, boyfriends, and cancer. You name it, they cover it! All while dressing fantastically! They also plan a time to get together regularly.

What are some of the challenges you and your peers face in maintaining female friendships?

Sometimes work and life get in the way of making time for ourselves and each other. We are all on crazy schedules and have different focuses – i.e. one friend works part-time and has two little girls; one friend works at a big firm, is newly married and very busy. I am married and work full-time. One friend lives on the Cape and one works full time and has a toddler. Add husbands and extended families into the mix and it’s tough to get together with just the girls!

How important are female friendships?

Very important. In my personal life and in my career, developing and maintaining female relationships are very rewarding and help me keep my sanity.

Any other thoughts you want to share?

Thanks for asking me all these questions, now I am going to email and/or call some of my college friends I haven’t talked to in awhile. Thank goodness for technology or we might never connect.