kids

Dear Irene,

I'm having a difficult time moving on after ending a toxic friendship. I began distancing myself from this friend once I realized she was toxic. However, our sons are both 3-years-old and were in the same preschool class. My son eventually bit this friend's son because he was tired of being bitten. Hers is a biter; mine is a pusher/shover.

After I began distancing myself, this friend and another woman complained so bitterly and consistently about my son's pushing and shoving in class that the school eventually wanted to know if we were abusing our son. The teachers felt they needed to isolate my son to "protect him." Many other things were happening but in the interest of brevity, I'll just say that we eventually pulled my son out of this classroom. I understand every mother's desire to protect their child, and can see---knowing what I do about her character/personality---the situation from her side. However, it doesn't excuse the events that happened and doesn't eliminate the fact that the school asked about abuse.

My son was observed by professionals and found to be very bright/verbal and displaying NORMAL toddler behavior. Meanwhile, my son can't possibly understand what is happening. We later found out that my husband and I intimidated the teachers and the director because we are both psychologists. The boss of these two individuals sat down with us and told us everything that was happening---that the teachers were not telling us---and also let us know that she, too, agreed our son was intelligent and normal.

My son has since begun a Montessori program and is doing wonderfully and thriving. My difficulty lies in: 1) I want to contact my ex-friend to express my hurt and anger and address these actions/issues but I'm still so hurt I'm not sure how to approach this without putting her on the defensive, and 2) I'm not sure how to handle future meetings with this woman and her family in our neighborhood. Our sons are too young to understand why their friendship was so abruptly halted, so when they see each other at the neighborhood playground they will want to play with each other. What is your advice? Thanks so much...these last few months have been torture.

Best,
Tara

ANSWER

Dear Tara,

I understand how painful this situation must be for you and your husband. Preschoolers often get into scuffles with other kids and, as you mention, parents can be quite defensive and even ferocious when they feel their children are being attacked.

When my own son was in preschool, there was a "biter" in the classroom and a group of parents were adamant about trying to get the toddler removed from the school rather than figuring out a way with the teacher and family to change her behavior.

Nonetheless, it sounds like you need to move on from this friendship. Before the incident with your son, you realized that you needed to distance yourself from her. Now, given the allegations that were lodged against you, this relationship seems beyond repair. Had your friend come to you directly, instead of complaining to the school and other parents, things might have worked out differently.

It's great that you enrolled your son in the Montessori school where he has no history behind him and has probably matured by now. It also sounds like the last school didn't handle the situation very well.

As with any broken friendship, be cordial to the mom and say hello but I see no reason in trying to rehash the past. In terms of the kids, you can allow your son to play with hers as long as you carefully monitor the situation and make sure there are no problems. Limits need to be set so that the children respect one another and do not hurt one another while playing. Unfortunately, if the other mom feels differently, you may have to schedule your playground visits at times when she and her son aren't there.

I hope this helps!

Best,
Irene

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter.

I read this morning in The New York Times that some schools, teachers, and even summer-camp counselors are working hard to disrupt best friend relationships and, instead, encourage youngsters to be part of big groups. Some schools and camps go so far that they intentionally break up best friends by, for example, assigning them to different classes, different sports teams, or even directly pairing them with another child who is seemingly lonely and without friends of his or her own. Sure, some best-friend relationships may be unhealthy and destructive, and I agree that school officials may need to intervene in those cases. On the other hand, for the most part, I would encourage school officials to get back to the important job of teaching students how to read and write and allow the kids to work through the ups and downs of friendships, while encouraging parents to intervene if a friendship becomes noticeably dangerous.

Sure, some friend pairings can turn out to be destructive and elitist, but most aren't. On the other hand, there are plenty of examples of friend groupings-some call them gangs-that aren't such a positive thing either. Maybe, just maybe, we ought to just let kids work through friendships on their own, recognizing that while some children might gravitate toward a best-friend pairing, others may be friend roamers-the kinds of kids who seem to have multiple groups of friends rather than a single BFF.

As I read the article, I couldn't help but think about my own best friend and the many ways our friend-pairing has enriched my life since I was five years old. I met my best friend on my first day of school, and while we spent about three months as arch competitors and enemies (or at least to the extent that five-year-olds can be), we soon became best friends. When a school redistricting effort in the early 1970's took us, together, to a new school, our bond was further strengthened by the mile-long walk we shared every morning and every afternoon from our district-border homes to the new, open-space school.

I can't imagine my life without Evie. There were sleep-overs almost every weekend, and together, over the years, we learned how to bake, play tennis (sort of), speak French, march in a drill team, sing in a choir, and countless other things. We spent endless hours listening to Elton John and the Bay City Rollers, and while we were separated as she attended Catholic education classes, took horseback riding lessons, and became an accomplished ballerina, and I spent summers at a community pool and boating, we always found our way back to each other as the day came to an end and extracurricular activities melted into mundane things like dinner, household chores, and homework. My life was enriched by her large Italian family, and especially her Aunt Anna who would allow us to have sips of Aste Spumanti and who was intrigued by the blond-haired girl who always sat at their table.

Evie's mother was the best cook ever, and was far more interesting than were the women in my own family. Ida Camione had enjoyed-prior to marriage and motherhood-a career as an Italian singer and radio star. Evie's mother smoked cigars after dinner. Evie's parents were much older than mine, and while my father had served in the National Guard during the tumultuous times of the Vietnam War, hers had been honored for his service during World War II.

When my family moved away for two years, I was devastated by the loss of my best friend, but we managed to stay connected through letters (no e-mail in those days, and our parents certainly wouldn't pay for long-distance phone calls). My happiest day ever was when we returned to the old neighborhood-this time without my father-to pick up life where we had once left off. During those two years, Evie had made new friends, and even became part of a new best-friend pair, but I was welcomed back and as we made our way through middle school, our friendships grew into a group. Over the years, among that group there were times of new "best friend" pairings, for example, when activities or interests brought two in the group particularly close, or when a boyfriend or part-time job distracted one friend from the other. There was nothing destructive about our friend pairing, and frankly, I don't know if I would have survived the unspeakable pain of life with an alcoholic father and the messiness of my parents' very ugly divorce had my friend, Evie, not been there to make me laugh and remind me that my parents' life was not mine. Evie's parents gave me hope and love and a good dinner when I was despondent.

As adults, Evie and I live very different lives and we each have developed an extensive circle of friends exclusive of each other. I have work friends and neighborhood friends and boat friends and couple friends, as does she. But in the ven diagram of life, we have multiple friend groups that overlap from time to time because we-mostly through children's birthday parties-have brought them together for shared celebrations.

Our children are a decade apart in age, but still we were there for each other through our asynchronous but equally difficult days of extended pregnancies, new babies, and the typical ups and downs of new and evolving marriages. Although I might be a grandmother by the time her children reach the difficult teenage years, they already know-as does she-that my home is always open to the frustrated teen who needs a break from his or her impossible mother and father, or to the mother or father who needs a calming break from the raging storm of hormonally charged teenagers. Our children adore each other, with mine feeling a strong desire to mentor and guide her children, and hers seeing mine as strong role models (which, I'll admit, was not such a great thing when one of my sons went through his Gothic stage). When my boys were teens, Evie was quick to remind me of all of the stupid/daring/dangerous things we did as teens, and when hers are teens, I'll be there to remind her that this, too, shall pass.

Together, Evie and I have been there for each other through good times and bad, and we lament that life prevents us from seeing each other as much as we would like. But when we do get together, time lapses dissolve, our husbands watch us transform into the 16-year-olds we once were, and we laugh about all of the stupid things we have done over the years while toasting to the good fortune we have had in finding a lifelong friend. A best friend is one of life's greatest gifts and I can't imagine my life without mine.

In reading today's article, I think about our teachers-Ms. Thiesen, Mr. Rhones , Mr. Robey, Mr. Edgerton, Madam Belfore, Ms. Press, among others-who recognized the strength of the Evie-Diane friendship, and worked to nurture it rather than break it apart based on some untested pop-psychology, school-of-education recommendation. The idea of teacher as "friend coach" is preposterous (it belongs in the annals of bad ideas along with structured play dates) and I dread the day when adults seek to impose their own values and world views upon the sanctity of the most precious right any of us has-which is the right to chose our own friends ... including a very best friend.

Diane Auer Jones is president of Washington Campus and former assistant secretary for postsecondary education at the U.S. Department of Education.

This post previously appeared in the Chronicle of Higher Education and is reprinted with the author's permission.

Whether it's an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover, most women would immediately dismiss the possibility of negotiating a real friendship with a living apparition from their partner's past. Admittedly, these relationships are thorny but they can have some upsides. My friend, life coach Lauree Ostrofsky of the Washington, DC area, offered to pen (keyboard) a guest post on the topic of befriending an ex- and here it is:

Not a topic often discussed, being friends with your partner's ex. But I am. She's really nice. The X factor is a challenge to navigate in any relationship. Most people I spoke to have a strict policy on the subject. "I never speak to ex's" was the most common. Followed by: "We're amicable and that's it."

So how did I get myself into this? Well for one, I'm new in town having just moved to Washington, DC from Manhattan six months ago. I was looking for female friends who like things I do -- art, eating out, talking about life. The guy I'm dating knew just the person: his ex-girlfriend.

Hold on, I thought, this can't be good. Love me, love my ex? None of my friends were keen on it either. But I figured, I should at least meet her before making a judgment...Right? I'm glad I did. She does like many of the same things I do. She has a boyfriend, and we've even double-dated.

Sometimes though, if I'm being completely truthful, it also feels really weird. For one, my relationship is still new. These two have known each other for a decade, share private jokes, and, I'll say it, have seen each other naked. I'd be lying if I said I didn't once in awhile feel like this was a contest I might lose.

I don't normally shy away from tough topics as readers of my blog know well - surgery and divorce are just two examples - but this one has nearly got me beat. I think it's hard to write about it because I'm owning up to a weakness of mine. For all my life coach-y ways, I'm human after all and it is maddening.

To get out of my own head I spoke to another friend, Linda, who has some wisdom on the subject. She is friendly with her ex-husband's new wife. Her thoughts helped me see the following options:

* Separate your feelings

Whether it is your ex's new wife, or your partner's ex, it helps to separate your feelings for one person from your possible feelings for this new person. In my case, I'm glad I did because I gained a good friend out of it.

* Get to know this person directly

My first conversation with my partner's ex was alone at an art festival. We met each other in the lobby having never seen one another before. Talk about a "first date"!

* Be inclusive

This is especially important where, in Linda's case, there are children or pets involved. If she hosts a birthday party, for example, they get an invite and they do the same in return. She said it's helped everyone feel more comfortable.

* Focus on what really matters

Like the previous point, with children or pets in the picture it's about priorities. Those aren't factors for me, but my feelings are just as important. It means doing what feels right instead of being a martyr about it.

Am I missing other options for navigating these X-factor relationships? Or, do you have your own experiences to share? I'm all ears (and eyes)!

 
Lauree Ostrofsky helps clients get clear and creative about they really want and how to go after it --- whether it's launching a new business; improving their relationships; or living each day more fully awake. Check out Lauree's website, and follow her on Twitter @simplyleapcoach.

Dear Dr. Levine,

I'm a mom of two girls, ages five and nine. I met another mom at the playground in May and we hit it off quite well, though my 5-year-old was a little slow to warm up to her 5-year-old. Since she and her family had just moved, she had not yet made friends in the area. We had similar interests so we kept up the friendship. She began to depend on me for her social life. Because I felt badly for her, I introduced her to friends and later found out that she'd been asking some with similarly aged kids for their phone numbers so they could get together for playdates.

I had invited her to join a newly-formed book group that I started and introduced her to my other friends there. Again, she started calling these friends for playdates without including my 5-year-old or me. Tonight, she carpooled to the book group with another friend of mine without even asking me. I felt so uncomfortable in the group that I started!

I don't know what to do or how to process this. She volunteers weekly in her daughter's kindergarten classroom yet she makes no attempts to cultivate friendships for her daughter with her classmates. I understand that she wants to connect with others and she admits that she doesn't have the best social skills, but at the same time I am feeling so uncomfortable with her dipping into my and my daughter's friend pool without trying to branch out on her own.

Everywhere I turn, she's making playdates left and right with my friends, granted some are not as close as others. We live in a small town but it can be just as hard for me to make friends around here. I am not a hugely social person by any stretch of the imagination and my first instinct is to pull away from these friends and her. I feel so upset. Do I talk to her about it? Is it likely she'll even understand? Do I just try to let it go?

Signed,
Friend-Poached

ANSWER

Hi Friend-Poached,

The etiquette governing female friendships is pretty murky. That's because the rules aren't really spelled out anywhere leaving a lot of room for interpretation and confusion (In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I try to provide a roadmap to help women negotiate these complex relationships.)

In your situation, you were very gracious in welcoming this woman to the neighborhood and in introducing her to your friends and their children, and then by inviting her to your book group. In return, you were poached, not once, but repeatedly.

It's understandable that your new friend wanted to make friends, and she may have felt some special connection with one of your friends but she did this repeatedly. She may have justified it to herself by saying that she was doing it for her daughter. But this pattern of poaching multiple friends suggests that you are dealing with someone who is narcissistic, insensitive, and disloyal. I can imagine how hurt and disappointed you must feel.

These are my suggestions:

* Tell this woman how hurt you felt about the carpooling incident. This situation is, perhaps, the clearest example of her transgressions and it may cause her to back off a bit. Maybe she wasn't aware of what she was doing.

* Don't introduce her to any other friends or acquaintances unless she apologizes and changes.

* Back off from spending time with her one-on-one too. The odds of you ever having a healthy friendship with her are slim.

* Don't pull away from your other friends. They haven't betrayed you in the way she did and my suspicion is that they will tire of her soon.

* Lastly, you may want to think about whether you were too welcoming too soon. Maybe you should have gotten to know her better before you involved her in various realms of your life.

I hope this helps you deal with this messy situation. Remember, she is the one who should feel awkward, not you. I've written about the topic of friend-poaching before but that post is focused on describing the occasional phenomenon rather than dealing with someone who Is a persistent poacher. Thanks for giving other readers and me the opportunity to think about this.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

It's been two months since I attended a Mom's group and had a falling out with two of the mothers. They have pretty much soured my relationship with most of the other mothers in the group.

Three months ago, I cancelled a play date at my house because a predicted snowstorm was announced on the news. One of the mothers, Sandy, tried to make me look bad by sending out an e-mail to the whole group saying that she was shocked that I was canceling. I was mad so I sent another e-mail to everyone explaining that the mayor had asked people not to drive and that all local schools were closed.

Sandy defriended me on Facebook, I assumed, because I had cancelled the play date. Another mother, Beth (who is good friends with Sandy), told me that she thought that Sandy was overly upset, but that I shouldn't have sent my e-mail afterwards. I was really good friends with Beth whom I trusted. I shared my thoughts and feelings with her when I was unsure of someone in our group and she did the same with me.

Anyhow, she went behind my back and started talking to Sandy about me. I later talked to Sandy, who told be that Beth went back to her telling her all this stuff I had said about her. Beth said I was exhausting her with my worries about who was mad at me and she made me feel terrible. She later told me that she didn't want to hang out with me any more so I defriended her on Facebook.

I apologized to Sandy and said I wasn't serious about most of the stuff I had said about her (that she thought I was a bad mother; that she was overly opinionated for believing that babies should be trained a certain way, etc.). I explained that I was upset when I said those things to Beth and that I needed a break to forget about it.

After that, things seemed good. I ran into Sandy at our babies' swim lessons and she was friendly and sweet but since the swim class ended, I haven't heard from anyone in the group. Only two of the eight Moms seem like they still talk to me. Since then, Beth has become friends with the moms who used to annoy her.

I know that my baby and I are better off without most of these people, but I'm still bothered that most of these moms took Beth's side. It bugs me that things ended so badly with them. I had fun times with this group and I had hoped to watch our babies play together into toddlerhood. I have joined other groups, and this has helped me feel better. I still wonder how I should act if I run into these former friends around town. One of my friends, who wasn't in the group, thinks I should give Beth a dirty look if I ever see her again.

I haven't been through something like this since junior high. A lot of these moms are not true friends. It still hurts to be the one that everyone excluded.

Signed,
Leticia

ANSWER

Dear Leticia:

It's a horrible feeling to be excluded from a group and I'm sure you are reeling from the experience. You chose to respond defensively to Sandy in a very public way. While Sandy shouldn't have sent the initial email to all the other moms criticizing your decision, you only escalated the conflict by responding with an email that went to all the moms. It might have worked out better if you had called her directly and explained your position. My guess is that someone else would have come to your defense online.

Then you made the mistake of gossiping about Sandy to Beth, whom you knew were both good friends. When Beth got upset about this, you defriended her on Facebook. Although it's someone else's suggestion, now you are considering giving her a dirty look.

This is a mom's group that came together because you all had kids of similar ages. You probably should have eased yourself into the group and studied the people and their relationships with each other before you treated them as close friends with whom you would share confidences.

You made the mistake of lashing out at Sandy by email and defriending Beth on Facebook, actions I suspect you would have been hesitant to do face-to-face. Although this commonly happens on the Internet, it's something you should be careful about in the future.

It does seem like at least some of these moms act like adolescents but you also bear some of the blame. Try to learn from this experience. Next time, take it more slowly when you join a new group. Another suggestion: Always take the high road and treat people the way you would like to be treated---especially if you are going to see them again! As easy and tempting as it may be, don't respond to a nasty email with another. Don't defriend someone on Facebook when you are likely to encounter her again in your town.

I'm glad that you have found a new group where you can start anew. Since your child is so young, it should be easy for her to adjust to the new kids. Act friendly and open when you bump into these other women. Since they live in your town, you may find yourself on the same committee of the PTA or sharing the duties of class mothers. By then, this upset will be long forgotten by everyone.

Best of luck,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I am a person who has learned to value my female friendships. I've always tended to prefer a one-friend-at-a-time, with a lot of intensity, type of friendship. But it is something I can't seem to find.

Briefly, I had a relationship like the kind I want with a woman who continues to feel like a friend/sister. My "best" friend was someone who lived close by and we had a sister-like relationship (even though I have two sisters!). She felt the same about me and I know she would be there in a heartbeat for me as I would for her. However, she lives three hours away and isn't fond of chatting on the phone.

I have two other friends whom I care about, one who lives 20 minutes away, who both seem totally engrossed in their own lives and rarely contact me. We get together about twice a year. We all have kids who are fairly close in age. One of them was in a serious car accident and I really went out of my way to support her through that time. I find myself resenting that I am the one maintaining the contact and seem to be the one who is "into them"- wanting to go out/get together, to do girls’ nights out, etc.

I can't seem to get the friend thing down without a lot of emotion, longing for more yet not being skillful enough to find it. I am forced to socialize with other parents that I like well enough but can't seem to take any of them to the next level. I get so frustrated that others have a knack that I do not. P.S. You can probably tell that I am not good at small talk! LOL! What I'd like to know is what do others have, what is it that I am missing?

Thanks so much- any ideas will be appreciated.

Starrlife in New England
starrlife.wordpress.com

ANSWER:

Dear Starrlife:

Your situation is actually a very common one: You’re yearning for a best friend and don’t have one at the moment. Friends move (like yours did); get involved in new careers; have children; have fertility problems; get married, divorced or widowed---there are numerous reasons why even very close friendships are prone to change over time. Although you are separated by geography, it’s nice that you have a close friendship to hold up as a measure for the kind you are seeking.

Not to make light of it, finding a best friend is like finding a buyer for a house: You only need one. Your current acquaintances, or mom-friends, are important relationships even though they miss the best-friend mark. Finding a best friend involves 1) meeting someone new, and 2) giving the relationship time to grow and become more intimate---by sharing additional layers of your selves with one another.

You need to create opportunities to find ways to meet new people. Can you get involved in organizations or activities in your local community? Do you have any hobbies? Can you take a continuing education class? Can you join a gym? Are you passionate enough about one political candidate or another that you would like to work on a campaign? Are you involved with the parent teacher association? I realize that your child or children may be young so this will entail finding childcare---either your husband, another relative or a babysitter---for one or two evenings a week. If you need a rationale for yourself---a happy mom is usually a better mom.

In short, you need to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people. I have no doubt that eventually one or two of these relationships will “stick” and grow into the type of best friendship you want.

Best,
Irene

Dear Irene:

Hi, I have a friend who doesn’t have very good boundaries. I live in a small town. I am a fairly private person who is social but also like my alone time. This friend has stopped by my house when I don't answer the phone and once she comes over, doesn't leave until really late.

I have no idea how to tell her nicely that it is now time for her and her children to leave. I really value our friendship, but she and her children are very intense and I don't want to spend every waking moment with her. I think she would spend all the time with me if she could.

Any advice? I want to be able to get together with her without being with her for the rest of the day. Also, she seems to get irritated with me and think something is wrong when I don't do what she wants or don’t see her for a couple of days.

Signed,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The most satisfying friendships are built on a foundation of balance and reciprocity. It sounds like your relationship isn’t balanced; your friend covets more of your time and space than is comfortable for you. Yet, you allow her to show up at your home uninvited---and permit her to stay past her welcome. That’s a recipe for a fractured friendship to come!

Sadly, she doesn’t have the sensitivity to sense when you’ve had enough of her or to read your nonverbal cues. In cases like this, you need to be more explicit and tell her something like, “I hope you won’t take offense but it’s getting late and I have an early appointment in the morning” or “I have to get the kids to calm down before bedtime.”

Another tactic might be to schedule your time with your friend so there is a beginning and an end that it is set firm. For example, you might say “I have about four hours before I need to take care of stuff. We’ll have to wrap things up by 2PM” or “Why don’t we meet at the park for an hour or two?”

Acknowledge (to yourself) that you may have boundary issues as well. You need to start to establish ground rules so you don’t wind up feeling angry and abused. Since you really seem to like this friend, it’s worth the risk of explaining how you feel. Tell her that you treasure her friendship but need more alone time for yourself and your family.

Admittedly, I have only heard a little slice of a long story and I suspect your discomfort over this boundary may be just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect that there are other ways in which she is insensitive to your needs and that you feel like you are giving more than you’re getting. Let us know what happens.

My best,

Irene

In this week's Baltimore Jewish Times, journalist Amy Landsman wrote an article called, We're friends, our children aren't. She describes some of the challenges of balancing mom friends and kids friends.

It begins: You’re pregnant! And so is your BFF! Instantly, you dream about play dates, outings around town, even vacations that your growing families can share. And for a few years, that just might happen. But one day, the kids get that independence thing going, and little Johnny or Susie announce they just don’t like little Hannah or Joshua. What do you do?...

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to add my two cents, Amy! You can click the link above to read the article. What do you think?