jilted

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

I have a friend who was my closest friend for about seven years. Recently, my husband and I moved to town to be closer to her and her family, along with some of my family, too. At first, everything was perfect; we spent nearly every day with each other, had dinners together, went shopping together, and became closer than ever. A few months after the move, things became complicated.

For the past seven years, she and I were basically one another's only friends; we didn't really spend time with any one else. I met another girl my age and really hit it off with her. When this new friend decided to move closer to us, my husband and I began to help her and her husband pack up their house and move. During this time, we all became sick with the same sinus infection. Since my friend was pregnant and I was sick, I let her know I was sick and didn't want to share my illness with her, but I also continued spending time with my new friend, since we both already had the same cold.

As time passed, I started to see that my old friend wasn’t calling as often, that she was avoiding my calls, and that we weren't invited over anymore. I called twice a week for several weeks to let her know I missed her and wanted to see her again, but received no response. Then, the day before moving day for my new friend and her family, I received an email message. The message informed me of how neglectful I had become and that she expected to never see me again once the other friend moved to town.

She basically pinned large amounts of blame on me. Instantly, I contacted her and left a message, which she responded to by calling me back. We talked and I thought everything had been worked out. I still call her several times a week to try and make plans, but I keep getting responses about how her life is so busy and her husband has to work late, so we can't get together. I've even gone so far as to try and plan things weeks or months out into the future and even then I get the response, "We don't have anything planned, but something might come up." I feel like I'm being pushed away and I don't understand why. What am I doing wrong?

Signed,
Living on Rocky Road

ANSWER

Dear Living on Rocky Road,

A seven-year friendship has to hold many memories so I can understand how painful and tense this situation must be for you both. It sounds like your friend had gotten used to being your one-and-only and is having a hard time sharing you with another friend. You’ve tried to be sensitive to her feelings and have made several efforts to open the lines of communication between you but she hasn’t been able to get over feeling “jilted.” You aren’t doing anything wrong, in particular, but your friend is feeling very hurt.

It sounds like you care about her and value the relationship. So approach her directly and ask he if she is backing away from you. Tell her you have no intention of replacing her; she is still very special to you. Offer to spend time together as a twosome or as a threesome with your new friend, whichever she would prefer. Ask her if she is fatigued or concerned about her pregnancy. If she doesn’t respond, you may need to step back and give her time to work her problem through on her own.

You may want to read another recent post on the blog: Does a 'best friendship' need to be monogamous? It points out the different ways women think about fidelity in their friendships with other women.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

My name is Veronica and I live in the UK, I’m not sure if you take emails from people from the UK, but I felt compelled to email you about a situation that is bothering me involving of a couple of girls who I thought were friends of mine.

I have known these two girls for a number of years. We have boyfriends who are all friends and would go over to each other’s houses for christenings and on nights out for birthdays, etc. I saw them during the week as one of them has kids, as I do. Last year all seemed okay, until this year when things seem to have fallen by the wayside with the girl who has the children.

Every time I asked if she would like to meet up, she was 'busy' or working. I got a bit paranoid after the fifth time and thought, “What have I done?” She is on good old Facebook, so I removed her from my friends list.

These two girls are best mates, very close, but thought I got on with both of them. When the one with the kids was avoiding me, I concentrated on still being mates with the other girl, who I had always assumed was the nicer one and who did not gossip, etc. I was wrong. Recently, for my b-day, I asked if they could make it out for a drink but they were both too busy. I always make the effort for theirs---but not even a happy birthday did they wish me!

I made up my mind there and then that they are not worth it, but still spoke occasionally to the girl without children. She was feeling down and I said I hope she was okay and if she ever wanted to pop round and talk she’s more than welcome to. She told me hadn’t gone out for ages.

A week later I saw her and the other girl with three other girls I know, out on a night out. They did not talk to me until one of the girls came and got me. The other day I emailed the girl who was feeling down asking, “So, how are you?” Then she told me to stop hassling her! I was upset by her reaction and admittedly I panicked and send her three texts saying I hope we can sort things out and a voice message.

The next morning she said she can’t be bothered with me anymore, so I went ahead a deleted all these girls off my Facebook friends, I know that sounds petty, but why have them nose at my profile when they are not my real mates? One of them told me I was weird for doing so. I am fed up with these girls’ attitudes. They have tried phasing me out for ages and have now managed it but I want to know why.

The only thing I can think of is that I attended a wedding of the cousin of the girl who has the kids and she was not invited, as they do not get on! Hope you can advise me, this may sound so shallow but it’s doing my head in!!

Yours faithfully,
Veronica

ANSWER:

Dear Veronica:

When you ask a friend to get together five times and she comes up with one excuse after another, it means she doesn’t want to get together. I know this feels disconcerting because you were good friends in the past. And I’m not sure what accounts for the change in your ex-friend’s behavior but, as painful and confusing as this feels, it is common for people and friendships to change over time.

In terms of the second girl, you were supportive to her when she was depressed—and then she accused you of hassling her? She is telling you quite directly that she doesn’t want to be involved with you. Again, you can only guess the reasons why. One possibility: Since she is best friends with the first girl, it may be difficult for her to maintain an independent relationship with you.

These girls sound mean, insensitive, and SHALLOW. Defriending them, both in real life and on Facebook is the right thing to do because they are no longer your true friends. Stop trying to understand their motives because that really doesn’t matter. Move on and find another friend who is interested in a more reciprocal friendship.

I’m sorry this has happened to you and hope this is helpful. By the way, being dumped by female friends is a universal problem! The only cultural difference is that you call them “mates” and we call them “friends.”

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

When you break up with a female friend, is it really necessary to "give advice" about what they should do in the future, or is it better to focus on the problems within the relationship you were personally involved with?

I just got dumped by a friend who went on to say some very hurtful things under the guise of giving advice and saying she still cared about me, even if she didn't want to be friends anymore. It just felt like having salt rubbed into the wound -- she insulted my parents, my family, me, and cast doubt on my other relationships (none of which I'd been having trouble with), all while supposedly trying to help me be a better friend. I know she was just trying to give me a good explanation, but was it really necessary?

I've always tried to focus just on why it wasn't working for me when I end a friendship, not try to give advice on how they should behave with other friends; it just seems like it's enough to leave it implied. I also do a bit of the "It's not you, it's me" approach if I really care about the person but just can't handle them anymore, since I don't believe in putting all the blame on the other person when breaking up even if I feel that way --it just seems too hurtful/unfair. Is this correct, or is it okay to come out and say that it was all the other person's fault?

And when you break up with a friend, do you also unfriend them on Facebook/MySpace? What am I supposed to think if she tells me she has no desire to have me in her life, then doesn't unfriend me on Facebook?

Signed,
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous,

Just as knowing what to say at a time of loss (e.g. a death) is always awkward, there is no commonly accepted protocol for breaking off a female friendship. That said, my thinking is that if an individual decides to unilaterally end a relationship, leaving no room for discussion, she should take responsibility for her decision and do whatever she can to allow the other person to feel unscathed.

Although your friend rationalized her bluntness by saying she was trying to help you become a better friend, her explanation doesn’t quite cut it for me.

• She was insensitive about how you might be feeling. Being dumped without warning leaves any woman reeling, so her approach and timing was off if she really wanted to “help” you become a better friend.
• Disparaging your parents and family should have been off bounds; Her relationship was with you, not them.
• It is arrogant and unfair for her to blame the relationship’s demise entirely on you. She failed to recognize that all relationships are defined by two parties, not one. While your ex-friend may not have been able to sustain her relationship with you, other friends don’t seem to have the same problem with you. Did she even consider that it might be her and not you?
• It sounds like she lashed out at you in anger. I’m not sure why. And because of the way she handled it, it has made it extraordinarily difficult for you to ever consider reconciling your relationship.

Since the ball is entirely in her court, I would consider the friendship over unless she comes back with a very good apology and you want to accept it. And if I were you, I would want to be sure to establish a comfortable distance from the woman who just dumped me. I wouldn’t want to know what she was doing and wouldn’t want her to know about me and my relationships. I understand your pain but I think you just need to move on. Taking control and defriending her might help.

Warm wishes,

Irene

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

It's been about 5 months since I broke up with my boyfriend due to conflicting schedules, frequent disagreements and life stresses. This guy was friends with my ex-girlfriend for over 15 years and I was friends with her for 10 years.

He took me to this party and I had no idea what was going on. My ex-girlfriend and her best friend, who I also knew from high school, completely snubbed me; I said "Hi" and got no reply along with very nasty looks. Anyhow, I invited my ex-girlfriend to my sister's wedding. That's how close she was to my family. I sat at the party for three hours with no communication from anyone except my ex-boyfriend. I then decided to leave, and told him I knew something was up.

The following day, I had tried calling this ex-friend with no pick-up, I attempted to speak to her online, no reply. I then managed to speak to her best friend online. She didn't hold back. She told me I failed to make a good impression with his friends from the get-go, for example, that I used my now ex-girlfriend by calling her when I had rough patches with my ex-boyfriend. She went on to say that I could break-up with my boyfriend over this because now I have the perfect drama-filled excuse.

Let me inform you Irene, I am 23 years old, not a teenager. I thanked her for her honestly. She immediately called my now ex-boyfriend to let him know what was said. I asked him if her would defend me. He said no because they have their opinions. He admitted that they have been telling him that the relationship wouldn't work out.

My best friend emailed these girls because she saw the damage it was doing to my body. I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and feelings of hopelessness, and had a drastic weight loss. My now ex-girlfriend stated she felt betrayed because she never heard from the guy and me once we started dating. I think "life" is the issue. I started working as a full-time nurse, dealing with teenage girls; and basically trying to support my ex-boyfriend as he went back into school, quit smoking, and focused on his life. My best friend also asked my ex-friend to return my call, but she never did so.

The hurtful part is that a week after the breakup, she was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend, and they have maintained their friendship since. I spoke to my ex-boyfriend recently, and he told me he never believed the things they said about me, but he has to remain loyal to them and doesn't think we can ever get back together.

I knew he was toxic for me, so I had to set limits and stop supporting him emotionally because it was draining. But why can my ex-girlfriend maintain contact with him and not me? I do miss her but I know our friendship could never be the same again. I thought about contacting her, but fear that she won't pick up my call. Then I tried online messenger, but learned that she had blocked me from her MSN.

I am terribly hurt and feel rejected, guilty and confused. I understand that I was entering a new chapter in my life with a new job, a serious relationship, and basically growing up. It was difficult to carry on the relationship, but it's the backstabbing I will never understand. Is it worth contacting this individual? There will be Christmas parties as well. Do I attend those? Sometimes commuting to work, I fear running into these girls.

Signed,
Having Trouble Coping

ANSWER

Dear Having Trouble Coping:

I understand how painful it is to feel let down by a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time. First, I want to congratulate on having the courage to break up with a boyfriend who was focused exclusively on himself and was insensitive to your feelings. You did the right thing.

The behavior you describe at the party sounds like teenage behavior. Whatever the age of these women, they were acting like "mean girls." There is absolutely no reason for you to contact this mean, disloyal, toxic friend who dumped you and rejected your overtures, choosing instead to befriend your ex-boyfriend. She has to know how hurtful that would feel to you, yet she didn't care.

It sounds like you have a good career and I think that the best Christmas gift you can give yourself is to move away from these low-life people. Perhaps, you can make new friends with colleagues at work. It's up to you whether or not you want to place yourself in the position of attending Christmas parties where you might see these mean people. Would you want to be snubbed by them again? That's a good possibility.

My advice for you for the New Year is out with the old and in with the new! Taking control of this situation will help you better cope, and make you feel less hopeless and insecure.

My best wishes,
Irene

Dear Irene:

I came across your blog tonight. I am thankful. I am feeling desperate for some advice. I became good friends with a girl in the same town where I live. We met in February of this year. We hit it off right away. We became super close really fast. Had the same interests, desires and goals. Our daughters are 2 weeks apart. She became part of my family. We spent hours together in person, by phone or email. We took a trip to California together with our families.

Off and on I noticed she would shut down and ignore me for days. No call back, no response to emails, no texting back, etc. I thought it was odd but didn't think anything of it at the time. She claimed she wasn't feeling well, she was having marriage problems, etc.-excuses. Her marriage has been rocky since day 1. She is only married for less than one year. She is currently pregnant with her second child. Her husband and she go to marriage therapy every other week. Their communication is horrible from what she says.

She claims I "yelled" at her all the time. She blew up at me over the phone one night the end of Sept. I was shocked! Not one time did she lead me to believe that things were bothering her. I knew she was either having a bad day or not feeling well. I kept my distance, but at the same time tried to reach out in case she needed anything. She would ignore me for days, not call me back, not answer emails or texts. After a few days, she would call and pretend nothing is wrong when truly she was ignoring me on purpose. She brushed things under the mat. She never communicated her true feelings. She bottled everything inside and finally blew up at me. I had no idea.

I was crushed, disappointed, hurt, angry, etc. I considered her like my sister. I thought the world of her. I could talk to her about anything. It was devastating to hear her accusations. I don't feel I ever "yelled" at her...that's just not me. I think she might be bipolar because she was either really happy (on the high side) and other times she was sad, not wanting to talk to anybody (low side). It was extreme.

I tried to contact her, but she does not answer her phone. I sent her an email asking her to forgive me (even though I don't feel I did anything wrong), but she said she is "happy with the way her life is."

The hardest thing is that we have lots of mutual friends. We are the coordinators of a local moms group. Everyone is starting to notice that we don't talk and ignore each other. What am I suppose to tell our mutual friends? I am not trying to get girls on my side, but it has been extremely difficult to keep this from others. I truly care about her. I loved her and her family. I gave her everything. I hurt. I think about her every day. I wonder how she is doing, but can't contact her anymore. She truly slapped my face and said she doesn't need someone like me in her life.
I don't know what to do. Please help! Any advice is appreciated.

Signed,
Hurt Friend

ANSWER:

Dear Hurt Friend:

It sounds like over the course of your friendship you have observed that your friend may be facing a number of challenges/problems-that have nothing to do with your relationship with each other, per se. You've noticed that she:

• Has marital problems (which could make her feel ambivalent about becoming pregnant a second time)
• Is pregnant (which could be playing havoc with her hormones)
• Is parenting a toddler while she is pregnant (which can be challenging when things are stable)
• Has communication problems (and, specifically, has a hard time talking about little slights until they escalate and become big ones)
• Tends toward mood swings (whether or not they are symptoms of, or fall short of, a diagnosable mental disorder)

The two of you became very close within a very short period of time, perhaps because of all you had in common. You became fast friends before you really knew one another.

But even if you had known her longer, you don't always know what else is going on in another person's life. As you describe your friend, she seems to be a very moody person who gets upset over little things and who has a hard time resolving conflicts. When you first met, either her mood may have been more stable or it may have been more elevated-which can make someone extremely likable and engaging. Then, over time, you began to see her roller coaster personality emerge.

You sound like a very caring, understanding and forgiving friend. You have done everything you could possibly do to mend the friendship. Your friend may or may not be able to appreciate the friendship she has lost. There may be other things going on in her life that are consuming her.

In terms of seeing one another (which you inevitably will, if you live in the same town and have a child the same age) and handling your failed friendship with your mutual friends, my advice is:

1) Always act cordially to your friend when you meet (smile, nod or say hello).

2) Don't make any further efforts to mend the relationship unless your friend extends herself to you. Even if she does, be cautious and careful because the same thing may happen again.

3) If you are close to these mutual friends, you can say (one-on-one) that the two of you had a small tiff that you couldn't resolve. They will understand because this isn't that unusual.

4) Don't provide any details. Say it's nothing you want to talk about because you feel like it would be a betrayal. They will respect you for that.

5) Try to do things with other women so you have less time to think about the failed friendship. You deserve someone who is able to appreciate you.

Despite the hurt and pain, you just need to move on. With time, you will heal. Everyl friendship don't last forever, even the best of them.

Best wishes,
Irene