Irene S. Levine

The dirty little secret no one talks about...

 

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don't last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there's a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

 

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure---relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets---our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings---resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

 

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it's not surprising that friendships fray. Anne's story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

 

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

 

1) Communicate

There's a wall of silence between you. She isn't answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven't seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there's any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what's wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

 

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong-or who didn't do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn't going to work.

 

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

 

4) Take a break

You've approached your friend to sort out the problem and you've been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

 

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

 

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren't clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they're likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about---except on The Friendship Blog.com.

 

This post, by me, is the third in a weeklong series of posts by the bloggers involved in The Friendship Circle as part of The Month of Friendship. The blogs include: Girlfriendology, GirlfriendCelebrations, GirlfriendCircles, MWFSeekingBFF, and TheFriendshipBlog.

 

 

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Our best friend has been seeing this guy. She's really into him so she wanted us to spend some time together to get to know him. Unfortunately, both of us really dislike him. We find him arrogant and narcissistic, to the point of his putting us down to make himself look better.

 

Our friend has had boyfriends in the past, all of whom we've at least gotten along with, if not genuinely liked. This new guy is, in fact, the first one we hate. He offended us numerous times, both in front of and behind our friend's back. When he's not being pompous and condescending, he's just outright boring. The night we met, he interrupted our conversation many times to tell us unrelated, dull stories, which were boastful and pretentious.

 

The next day, we each separately approached our friend with our concerns and had a couple of civil conversations with her. However, she refuses to see our point of view and chooses to take his side, insinuating that we're jealous because we are single.

 

We don't know how to proceed without causing a rift in our friendship because she's spending increasingly more time with him. We can't bring ourselves to put up with him anymore so she's going to have to divide her time between him and us---no matter how much we love her. We've never been in such a position before and desperately need advice.

Thank you!

Abby and Alana

 

ANSWER

Dear Abby and Alana,

As you well understand, when people first fall in love, they can be blind to each other's foibles. You can warn someone that she is hitching her wagon to a loser until you are blue in the face, but she won't be able to hear you until she gains some insight on her own.

 

You've already hit on the right solution for your dilemma: Limit "everyone together time" and try to encourage your friend to regularly spend time with her gal pals. That way, you'll be able to cushion her fall when she needs you. If she asks, be honest about your feelings about her boyfriend but don't harangue her about her relationship.

 

Keep in mind: From time to time friends show bad judgment or make choices that seem self-destructive. Sometimes, our conclusions about them are premature and things don't actually turn out as badly as we thought they would.

 

It's always a challenge to communicate a balance of honesty, concern, and support to someone who appears to be a bad situation. I admire you for taking on this challenge and being such good friends.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch on similar issues:

• Feeling used by a friend
• Inseparable friends until...
• Friends don't judge...or do they?
• Watching a good friend make bad decisions

 

 

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A recent Harris Interactive Poll commissioned by Hampton Hotels found that 43% of adults travel with a friend at least once a year and at least 74% prefer to take a road trip when they do. The survey also found that the most discussed aspect of a trip is deciding where to go (34%), followed by what to do (27%), and finally agreeing on the budget (14%).

For me, one of the best parts of traveling is sharing the experience with others: both the people traveling with me, and those I befriend along the way. So I was delighted that Hampton (part of Hilton worldwide) recently tapped me as a spokesperson to provide advice to them and their guests on traveling with friends. Here are some of the tips to strengthen the bonds of friendship and avoid unnecessary hassles; they may be timely during these last weeks of summer.

 

Don't Snooze When You Choose

Select your travel companions wisely and make sure they're people whose company you enjoy and with whom you feel comfortable and relaxed. Any vacation with friends offers the potential to bring you closer and to create shared memories that can last a lifetime.

 

First Class or Coach?

Talk costs upfront; some friends are more frugal than others. You may all covet lavish vacations but you're also realistically constrained by budgets. Let's be honest, it's a bit uncomfortable to talk about money. Being clear about any budget limitations will make the trip less stressful each time you have to reach for your wallet.

 

Pick a City, Any City

Where you travel depends on the friends, their tastes, their pocketbooks and the season. Decide if you want to expose yourself to new cultures with different foods and customs or just sit back, relax and enjoy your vacation.

 

Fail to Plan? Plan to Fail

Make sure you and your friend(s) are on the same wavelength about your destination and at least agree on a rough itinerary before you leave home. There's nothing worse than arriving at your destination and finding out on the first morning that you have vastly different expectations.

 

Personality Detours

Allow for flexibility when it comes to travel. No two people behave or think exactly the same way. It's okay to have different habits, lifestyles and ideas about travel as long as friends are flexible, respectful, and willing to compromise when you are together.

 

Do you have any questions/suggestions about traveling with friends or experiences to share?

 

To encourage friends to connect this summer, Hampton is currently hosting an online "Chain of Friends" sweepstakes. You could win the Grand Prize of a entire hotel (2 days for 100 friends). Imagine that. Click here if you're interested in finding out more about it. 

If you've wondered about this question, read Female Bullying, an article by Rachel Giese in the September 2010 issue of Flare Magazine. The piece covers the perennial, but disturbing, topic of adult women who have honed the art of what therapists have termed relational aggression. These mean girls may not fight with their fists but they can inflict terrible emotional pain on their targets.

 

Some of us have experienced firsthand the devastating hurt of being excluded from the lunch table at middle school. Others admit with some embarrassment that they've been at the other end of the stick---as one of the "cool kids" in middle or high school who has excluded some other poor soul because she looks, acts, or speaks differently. The scars of being bullied as a kid can be long-lasting and slow to heal.

 

Unfortunately, some mean girls never grow up, continuing similar behaviors as adults. So the insidious practice of woman-on-woman bullying---often used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues---is common in the workplace. Similarly, stay-at-home moms are still victimized by frenemies and neighbors. They and their kids become the subject of gossip, and are systematically excluded from play dates, playgroups and birthday parties. This is a particularly pernicious form of bullying because it attacks not only a grown woman but also her child.

 

Rachel's article (for which she interviewed me and others) tries to explain the dynamics behind female bullying. You can read a long excerpt online. If you're interested in reading more about this topic, you may be interested in these previous posts on The Friendship Blog:

 

Middle School Frenemies: Why are girls so mean?

Reader Q & A: Mean girls

Reader Q & A: Escaping from a toxic triangle

Reader Q & A: Contending with the Food Police

 

Have you had any experiences with adult bullies? How did you handle them? 

 

Here are some simple tips to nip a new friendship in the bud or to sabotage an existing one:

 

1) Do it her way

Abrogate all responsibility for the friendship to your friend. Let her do all the planning---including where, when and what. When you do get together, don't initiate any conversation, or show interest or enthusiasm. Respond minimally, using as few words as possible, and only in response to direct questions.

2) Be humorless

Treat everything seriously. Contain any outward appearances of laughter or smiles when your friend says something funny.

3) Act entirely predictably

Never try anything new. Demand that you always do exactly the same things, in exactly the same ways, in exactly the same places. Never mix it up or expand your twosome. Why? You always did it that way.

4) Play the same tapes over and over

Repeat stories you've told before in exquisite detail. Avoid eye contact to be sure you aren't reminded that you did or interrupted. If yawning sets in, ignore it. If she tries to speak or ask a question, interrupt her.

5) Stay focused---on you

Talk only about yourself, what you have, and what you've done. Ask no questions and show no interest in your friend or in the larger world around you. Avoid real interaction by telling long-winded stories.

6) Skim the surface

Be sure all conversation remains impersonal and unimportant. Don't express feelings or discuss anything remotely meaningful. Focus only on the past; never the present.

7) Overstay your welcome

Ignore any signs of boredom. If you're at her house, stay as late as you can. If you're in a public place, stay until the owner or manager looks at you funny or seems headed to the door with a big ring of keys.

Any other ways you can positively ID a boring friend?

 

 

If you're frustrated because your friend is the one who is boring, take a look at two related posts on The Friendship Blog:

5 Tips for Handling a Friend Who Talks Incessantly

A Friendship Stuck in Dullsville

 

In 1935, the US Congress proclaimed the first Sunday in August each year as Friendship Day. Unlike Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, or Christmas, holidays that have become highly commercialized, there are no expectations of gifts, cards, flowers, or for this holiday. Most people probably haven't heard of it, so if you choose you can act as if it is just another Sunday. On the other hand, you can decide to set aside time to celebrate the friendships that enrich your life.

 

With the hectic pace of our lives, it's too easy to take friendships, even very good ones, for granted. Use Friendship Day as an excuse to rethink and realign your friendship priorities. It's easy to get sucked into spending your time with a needy friend who constantly seeks out your companionship but consistently drains your energy, or with a toxic friend who is filled with ambivalence but conveniently lives next door. Consciously choose the friends you want to spend time with and nurture the relationships that matter most.

 

It is a privilege for me to be able to respond to your questions and dilemmas about friendship on this blog. Sometimes, relationships are confusing because ---to me too! Like any advice columnist who hears a snippet of your problem, I may not always hit the mark but I hope that my posts give you some food for thought. 

 

Happy Friendship Day,
Irene
The Friendship Doctor

 

 

Question:

How do you back away from an unhealthy friendship without hurting someone's feelings?

 

Answer:

Here are a few tips to help you handle a tricky, and often uncomfortable, situation in a way that minimizes hurt:

 

• Make sure you really want to back away. Nobody's perfect and friends, even very good ones, can say or do something wrong once in a while. If there has been a minor misunderstanding or disappointment, talk about it.

• Never make the decision to end a friendship in anger. Give yourself a cooling off period to reconsider and also to figure out the best way to do it.

• Consider whether you really need to end the friendship? Can you downgrade the relationship so you see each other less often or dilute it by seeing each other within the context of a group? Can you simply take a break (time off) to give each other a breather?

• If the relationship isn't very close to start with, you can merely drift apart. Make yourself less accessible. Tell a white lie and tell your friend how busy you are---e.g. studying, working, helping your parents, or seeing your significant other.

• If you decide to go ahead with the breakup, develop a script and practice it---you might even want to put your thoughts in writing so you are clear to yourself and in your delivery.

• Try to avoid blaming the other person. People change and their friendships change over time. Take responsibility for making the decision and handle the breakup with grace. After all, why would you want to hurt someone who once was your friend?

(By The Friendship Doctor; previously posted on HerCampus.com)

I was recently interviewed by Nicole Elphick, a writer with Cleo, an Australian fashion and beauty magazine.

 

Her article Are You Too Unpicky With Your Friends?, in the August edition, raises the question of whether women aren't picky enough in choosing their friends. In the age of Facebook, this issue is really at the forefront because technology has thrown the definition of what is and what isn't "a friend" into question.

 

In the article, I comment that "Because our society tends to judge women on their ability to make and keep friends, many women collect pals just as they might collect perfume bottles or heirloom jewelry."

 

Take a look at the article (see link above) and think about your own friendships. Do they meet the bar you've set for yourself? Have you collected friends that drain you emotionally? Is it time to let go?

 

 

Allison Winn Scotch's novel, The One That I Want (2010), is an engaging summer beach read that makes you think about the friendships you have and those that have drifted apart.

 

The main character, Tilly Farmer, is a 30-something high school guidance counselor who marries her high-school sweetheart, and still lives and works in the same small town where she grew up. As the story unfolds, we learn how Tillie's past has affected her current relationships. With the help of an old friend and a dash of clairvoyance, Tilly begins to re-examine the choices she's made.

 

I asked Allison, my friend and colleague, about her latest book, her characters and her own friendships. Also check out my previous interview with Allison soon after the release of her last NYT bestseller, Time of My Life.

 

Irene:

Two of the characters that figure prominently in The One That I Want are Tilly Farmer's friends, Susannah and Ashley. Both friends support Tilly during some tough moments in her life. What role have your own friendships played in developing these characters?

 

Allison:

Well, Susannah is a compilation of a few of my closest friends - not in terms of personality or what she goes through, but the understanding of that unconditional support that they offer. That, in your lowest of moments, that she'll show up with a bottle of wine or answer that phone call in the middle of the night or get you out of the house if that's what's called for. I'm someone who can probably count her really true honest-to-god best friends on one hand, but those women are like sisters to me, and so that's more than enough. And that's what Susannah is for Tilly.

As far as Ashley, she was a reflection of some of the friends I've outgrown (or who outgrew me). I think we all have those friends too: girls you were blood sisters with until, say, you hit puberty or went to college or even grew out of in your twenties, and you still look back on them fondly, but now maybe don't have so much in common with anymore.

In Ashley and Tilly's case, they find a way to forge new bonds, but their relationship isn't based strictly on the past, and I think this is important if you're going to renew a friendship like this. It's all well and good to sit around and laugh over high school, but an honest friendship needs more than that. Eventually, Ashley and Tilly discover their new common ground.

 

Irene:

At the start of the story, Ashley feels more like a frenemy than a friend. What happens to Tilly's friendship with Ashley over time?

 

Allison:

A few things. For one, Ashley is the person who literally sparks Tilly's "clarity," which Tilly initially resents and blames Ashley for. But because of this, they start interacting more, and when Tilly really starts to unravel, she realizes she needs someone in her corner, and surprisingly, she wants that person to be Ashley, who is having plenty of problems of her own. And in watching her cope with these problems, Tilly discovers she has a begrudging admiration for Ashley's tenacity. Sometimes - and I've experienced this in my own life - the people you expect to have your back aren't there for you in the way you anticipate, while other people step up and offer support in ways you wouldn't have imagined. That's what happens exactly with Tilly and Ashley - the support and growth and learning goes both ways.

 

Irene:

Because Tilly has remained in the town where she grew up, her friendships have remained fairly constant. Do you think that is a good or bad thing?

 

Allison:

For me, I'm not sure that it would be a good thing, but I know that there are plenty of people for whom it is. What's interesting for me, in terms of assessing my friends and friendship groups, is that many of my truly dear friends are women I've met it my adult life, women who share commonalities with my life now and that's why we've become close. I also have a very tight core group of friends from college, and those women are invaluable to me too - that shared history is important but, at least with the ones I've stayed close with, we also still grown up together and share some similarities in our adult life.

So again, this is just for me, but my friendships are almost similar to romantic relationships in the sense of it's important to me that they not just be about nostalgia but are current and in-the-moment and pertinent to what's happening now, around us, in our thirties. Which isn't to take anything away from childhood friendships or staying close to the friends you grew up with. AT ALL. I think that's admirable too - and it's really what works for each individual. Only that now, at 37, what works for me is that many of my dearest friends are women I've known since my mid-twenties, not necessarily earlier.

 

Irene:

You use the term "friendship fidelity" in the book? What does that mean to you?

 

Allison:

For me, this gets back to your first question: that underlying understanding that through thick and thin, Susanna would be there for Tilly. And I feel the same way about some of my own friends - there is very little I wouldn't do for them. At the same time, many of my friendships have their own rhythms and tides: sometimes, I may literally go two months without connecting with my best friend, but there is no doubt that when either one of us picked up the phone and truly needed the other, that we'd be there.

I feel like the strongest friendships - at least in my life - are those that don't need daily reassurance. It's enough for me (and my friends) to know that somewhere out there, someone has my back, and that when that times comes - whether I just want to crack up for 20 minutes on the phone or am really embroiled in a true crisis - that woman will be there for me, hands down. I'm pretty grateful to know that I have the security of this and to have these women in my life.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

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QUESTION

Dear Irene:

My best friend and I have been teachers at the same school for over twelve years. I am 37 and she is 58, which makes her older than my mother. Through many of her life's challenges, I was there for her. I brought food when she was hungry, accompanied her to see her daughter in jail (I had never been to jail to see anyone), spent many days away from my own family with her and her granddaughter in the hospital, helped her study for graduate school (she would not have graduated without my help), decorated her classroom and completed school paperwork and report cards each year that she was ill, and so many other major favors, none of which were ever reciprocated.

 

Despite the fact that the school is just two minutes away from her home and an hour away from mine, for years, I would stay late helping her get organized for the next day, while my mom picked up my two young children from school and kept them until I got there. The principals and many of our co-workers never liked her, and she was in no position to loose her job. Many of the times, I sacrificed precious time with my husband and children. When I didn't want to help, she would throw tantrums and it seemed that her world would come to an end.

 

There was always a crisis, and her family didn't care for her that much. When she was younger and married with kids, she always thought that her family was better than her sisters' families as well as her in-laws'. Her children had better toys, clothes, and cars than all of the other family members. Her kids couldn't associate with others whose parents were "renters" and not "original owners" in her subdivision. She talks about poor people and despises those who are from the "ghetto". Admiring her good qualities, I always overlooked her arrogance.

 

For the past year, I've seen a major change in my friend's behavior towards me. She started embarrassing me every chance she got at work in front of a crowd, including falsely accusing my husband of beating me in front of our boss, later saying that she was just kidding. Four months ago, I got a tummy tuck. Every time we were in the presence of others, she would say how bad I looked. Everyone else was pleased with the results. I thought my friend would celebrate my success, but it's been to the contrary.

 

Prior to the tummy tuck, I was in an accident and was bound to a wheelchair and crutches for months, which caused me to gain over 80 pounds, especially in the abdomen. For this reason, I decided to have the belly fat removed. She's told everyone at work that she knew that I couldn't afford the surgery, but she recently received a large cash settlement. I didn't expect her to give me a dime, but if she thought that I was in need of money, why wouldn't she help? I had paid her electric bill for several months when she was ill and on sick leave.

 

Speaking of sick leave, my friend has gone out on sick leave for four years consecutively, each for a different reason. Sometimes when the pressure was on her to do her work, she would simply go to the doctor and go on sick leave. To avoid her getting in trouble for neglecting job duties, I would simply help, but looking back, no favor has ever been returned.

 

Fast forward to today: I've grown up. The last straw was when she told a group of co-workers, including our boss, that she didn't know what "ghetto" was until she met me. You see, my parents were teenagers when I was born. My mom was a 16-year-old, tenth grade African-American girl and my dad was 18. My grandparents made her drop out of school and get a job, because they didn't believe in welfare. Despite the odds, my mom went back to school when I was in elementary school. She became a 911 dispatcher and my dad a high school principal. Not repeating the pattern, they made sure that I graduated from a top university and became a teacher.

 

I am very proud of my parents' accomplishments and have not frowned on my past. It's made me who I am today and allows me to touch so many lives. Unfortunately, each chance that my friend gets, she calls me "ghetto" and makes fun of the high school where I graduated from and people from my
side of town.

 

Last year, my friend was diagnosed with cancer, which was treated, but I found out that the cancer is no longer there. She never told me that the cancer was gone but continued using others and me by maintaining that the cancer is still there, in an attempt to gain sympathy and favor. Since I uncovered the truth, it only sealed my decision to maintain my distance. Today, I am still helping her adult children, but I don't talk to her. I tried to express my feelings to her about our friendship, but she became confrontational and explosive. I even emailed her, but she put everything on me, saying that I made her cry. For the last few months of school, she did everything within her power to aggravate me and tell others that she didn't do anything to me.

 

As the summer comes to a close, I am regretting going back to work to be antagonized by her, and getting another job is out of the question. I am not angry with her. I have just grown up and decided to end our season. How should I deal with her when we get back to work? It's been hard ignoring her, and talking to her is out of the question. At work, I totally focus on my students, but I still have to see her in the hall, at meetings, and other transitions. Please advise.

Signed,
Angela

 

ANSWER

Dear Angela,

Based on your report, your friend isn't very friend-worthy. In fact, she sounds like a "user" who is self-centered, ungrateful, manipulative, insensitive, and has been abusive to you beyond belief.

 

Perhaps you developed an excess of sympathy for the underdog because of the circumstances of your own upbringing. However, this is clearly a case of too much of a good thing. You really went overboard in making sacrifices for someone who has treated you like a doormat. I'm not sure what attracted you to this friend initially or what made you hang on for so long. Fortunately, it appears that this one-sided, dysfunctional relationship has completely lost its luster for you.

 

You have every right to be proud of your upbringing and accomplishments---and you shouldn't allow anyone to treat you this way. I'm so glad that you finally had the self-confidence to face this situation squarely and decide you need to move on. Be proud of yourself for "growing up" as you put it.

 

What next? Remember that your job is your livelihood and has to be your first priority. Focus your energies at school on your students and on your colleagues---be professional and cordial in the workplace with your "friend" but don't engage socially with this frenemy any longer. Try to meet other friends outside the office who can fills the holes in your life and provide you with friendships that are more mutually supportive.

Best,
Irene