Irene S. Levine

Dear Cousin Sel,

It was so much fun chatting with your fourth-Thursday-of the-month book group over the squawk box last week. Every author is thrilled to be invited to talk to a book group even though we realize it's never just about our book. It's also an excuse for busy women to get together, relax, nosh, sip and befriend---and, as importantly, to think about an issue or idea collectively that might not have occurred to any one individual in the group if she hadn't been obliged to read a book that took her on that journey.

That your group has now been meeting for almost 15 years is impressive. You've seen each other through different phases of the life cycle including childrearing, adjusting to empty nests, becoming grandparents, and facing illness, divorce and death. The incredible bond of friendship you've forged over time is evident, even over the phone. Like sisters, you interrupt and finish each other's sentences and feel comfortable enough to challenge one another and disagree. The conversation, laughter, and questions flow fast and easy.

Although we started off with the standard greeting, "Can everyone hear me?" and you all chimed in "Yes," I knew that I could endear myself to your kindred spirits in Hollywood, Florida if I recounted a few details of the impressive snowstorm that promised to reach blizzard proportions here in New York later that day. Floridians (and Californians) always like to gloat about the misery they left behind and your group didn't disappoint me. (Next time we "chat." I hope we'll be videoconferencing on Skype so I can see them laughing at our dire winter weather forecasts)

Conference calls to reading groups always feel somewhat daunting to me. Give and take is never the same as it is in person and I can't see the facial expressions and body language that typically warn me that I'm talking too much and should move on to questions and answers, or should just move on. I tried to be sensitive, asking whether I should skip reading one of the three passages I had selected from my book---but your group seem so genuinely interested and encouraging that I continued.

I must admit, though, that before long I felt like I was sitting beside you at the sunny dining room table in Broward County-with the sliding glass door leading to the covered porch. Your group was so warm and welcoming to an outsider. Perhaps, it's because you introduced me as "My cousin, the author," although we aren't actually blood relatives but cousins through marriage.

I was delighted to tell real readers (rather than editors and other writers) my own story---about why and how I became an author---and why I chose to write a non-fiction book about female friendship. Like most women, from the time I was a very young girl, I was innately curious about friendship and how mine stacked up to other women's experiences.

The best part for me, however, was hearing about your own friendships---including the ones you had with your own mothers and daughters, the joys and challenges you experienced, and the lessons you learned. You spoke about how the Internet has enabled you to reach back into your past and connect with childhood friends from your schools or neighborhood who knew you then, before you became the person you are now. Many of you stressed how important it is for women to maintain friendships over the years because they form the scrapbooks of our lives.

I want you and your group to know that each time an author speaks to a book group, she receives so much more than she gives. Yes, it's hard to sell books these days and you rounded up a captive audience of book buyers. But reading groups offer other, more intangible opportunities for authors: to learn from our readers and to hone our craft so our writing is better. Foremost, they reaffirm why books and the relationships between authors and readers are so important.

The funny part, Selma, was that after I hung up the phone, I was a bit envious of your book club buddies' relationship with someone as special as you. Next time you invite me to speak to your group, I've decided I want to be there live so I can spend some girl-time with you before or after. I imagine there are book groups around my hamlet in Westchester that could offer the same sense of sisterhood and support your group gives you, but I guess I'll have to wait until the power is back on and the large snow banks have melted to look around and find one.

Love,
Cousin Irene

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

For the past six to eight months I've had two friendships deteriorate. Jillian had been my friend for about 15 years. We never partied or saw much of each other due to distance and her ten-year relationship with a guy yet we always kept in touch. When her relationship was over, we began to spend lots of time together.

 

Our relationship went into a tailspin when she questioned my character. She asked me to give her ex-boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen in 15 years) a ride home because she was leaving with her new love interest. After the ride, he invited me in for a drink. Of course, I declined and later called both him (he gave me his number to make sure I got home safely) and her. That was where all the confusion began.

 

The next day Jillian called asking if I'd "done" anything crazy with him. I was offended since I only provided the ride to do her a favor. Over the next few months, she began dating this guy again. I know this guy was interested in me, but that was a line I would not cross. The relationship with her has suffered since. She would make us all hang out together. The guy is very cool and we have a very good rapport; I have plenty of male friends and am comfortable with males on a friendship level. She is aware of the many strictly platonic male relationships that I've had all my life. However, she is always trying to compete with me about every single thing or tarnish my character. I've tried to hang on to the friendship for more than 6 months and it's been hard.

 

I've also recently broken up with Lexi. We had been friends for 20 years (we are in our 30's) and she is/was like a sister to me. I invited both Jillian and Lexi out to celebrate my promotion and Jillian came with the guy. Lexi had been secluded after a recent break-up with a guy so to come out and interact with my friends was a big deal for her. Eventually, Lexi ended up chatting with a guy I've been seeing on and off for the past 6 months. Although I was a bit leery of him and his intentions when Lexi told me he was nice and was interested, I blew up. I could not believe, that Lexi, my sister, my longest friend would hit on a guy I was sort of dating for 6 months. She had never met him before, but had heard stories about him.

 

My trust with both friends has been broken. Is there a way to mend both relationships? Do you think that Lexi's actions are from her recent break-up or just who she has always been? I've talked to several of my friends about Jillian. Most think Jillian has always been a bit competitive and a user. I never saw this side before and am now afraid of all my relationships. Help.

Thanks,
Risa

ANSWER

Dear Risa

The issue of trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. So I can understand how you must be reeling after two long-standing relationships unraveled over the same issue.

 

In the case of Jillian, if you knew that her guy was interested in you, she probably knew too. Instead of her confronting him about his trustworthiness, it sounds like you were an easier target. If it were this incident alone, you could talk to Jillian and, perhaps, get over it but it sounds like she is constantly competing with you. That makes me think that perhaps the women you both were 15 years ago have grown in different directions and that your relationship is really based primarily on shared history. While this is nothing to give up lightly, is Jillian the kind of friend you want in your life now or is she a frenemy, who tries to put you down whenever she has the opportunity?

 

In the case of Lexi, it sounds like she picked up on your ambivalence about the guy you were "sort-of-dating" and moved in to make the catch---perhaps innocently, but not very sensitively. I'm not sure from your letter if Lexi is still seeing this guy but I think you need to express your hurt feelings to her.

 

Your dilemma really has to do with your feelings about friendship and its boundaries and the men just happen to be red herrings that make things more confusing. Maintaining trust is the thread that runs thought both these painful situations. It can only help for you to speak with Lexi, and perhaps with Jillian too (if you feel so inclined) about mutual expectations of a trusting friendship, which often vary from person to person.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

Do you need friendship advice or inspiration in an instant?

Now you can start reading Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend less than a minute after placing your order for a wireless Kindle download through Amazon.com.

The electronic version of the book is available for at $9.99. Don't have a Kindle? You can also download the e-book using Kindle for PC, a free application for your Windows PC.

You can also order the book through the SONY e-book store!

Being a BFF takes effort, especially when friendships are  challenged by time and distance. These five tried and true tips were gleaned from insights contained in more than 16,000 essays submitted in the No nonsense® Between Friends Contest. For more information, visit www.nononsense.com.

 

1.  Be invested. It's going to be a bit harder to connect through different time zones and different phases of life, but if you're serious, you'll be invested for the long haul. Being invested can be as simple as remembering to call weekly or monthly or as complicated as making the effort to plan vacations together. And the investment can vary over time and space, as long as the relationship remains positive and fulfilling for both friends.

2.  Be authentic. The internet offers new and wonderful ways friends can share and get really personal through online support groups and chat rooms. It's paramount that you represent yourself authentically because trust and honesty are the foundation of any relationship whether it's in person or on line. When you're sharing about a personal issue, make sure you're telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth...if you don't, your friend will know.


3.  Make a pact. Many friends separated by time or distance have an unwritten code ... that no matter what, they'll always take that long weekend in October. Or kick off the summer with that special beach celebration. Make these "appointment" meetings the rule not the exception and do not cancel.

 

4.  Be creative in your contact. Don't just call. Jot a quick note saying that, even though you may be separated by distance, you're thinking about her. Text her just to say hi. Send flowers to her office. Remember her birthday and anniversary. Little things go a long way.

 

5.  Make new memories and share old ones. While time and distance certainly pose difficulties, the best friends don't let that stop them. Sharing a wonderful new memory is a great way to reconnect. Upload a photo to Facebook. Send a photo to your friend in that different time zone. Share a new experience or details of a great evening out ... and let your friend know how much you missed them. Or regale your bi-coastal buddy with a "remember when?" ... she'll get a kick out of a long-forgotten memory popping up on a Tuesday evening. And she'll thank you for it!

The Friendship Doctor was recently interviewed by Victoria Clayton-Alexander, editor of Exurb Magazine. Before I answered 5 questions from her, I asked what an "exurb" was.

 

Victoria responded: "The good people at the Brookings Institute define “exurb” this way: exurban census tracts send at least 20 percent of their workers to urbanized areas in large metropolitan areas.

 

For our purposes, it’s a a state of mind (and, okay, place). A lot of people say a lot of things about the exurbs and much of it isn’t so flattering. We’re in the LA/Ventura County area and we care about the environment, education, city planning, music, good food, wine, books and more. If you live outside of a major city and you care about these issues, you’re here too."

 

So with that in mind, here is the interview:

 

Exurbanite Irene Levine is a clinical psychologist and blogs about friendship at The Friendship Blog and The Huffington Post. If you've ever lost touch with a supposedly good friend, been dumped or dumped a friend, you need Levine's new book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. Contrary to what daytime television or Bravo might depict, Levine tells us that friends fall by the wayside not because one steals another one's husband or anything that outrageous. Check out what she has to say about the lifespan of friendships, her book and her famous neighbors....

 

1. When I described Best Friends Forever to various people almost everyone told me a story about a breakup with a good friend. Did you also find in your research that breaking up with a friend is nearly a universal experience? Why does this happen and who seems to be most plagued with friendship problems?

 

I've had the same experience and have gotten emails and survey responses from people all over the world, as far away as Nigeria and the South Pacific, expressing their pain about failed friendships. Regardless of language or lifestyle, the feelings were pretty universal. Most people can resonate to the experience of losing a friend-either because they were jilted, dumped someone else, or because two friends simply drifted apart.

 

As people grow and change, their lives don't necessarily follow the same trajectories so it's completely natural that many friendships would fall apart over time. Most friendships, even very close ones, don't last forever; on average, a friendship lasts about seven years. The more changes that take place in your life (e.g. geographic moves, graduations, changes in marital or parental status, career changes, and personal ones, etc.), the more fragile your friendships become.

 

Yet, I wouldn't really characterize it as a friendship problem. It's only a problem if you don't understand that friendships have their ups and downs and not all of them last forever.

 

2. I've also found that many people are loathe to talk about it...it almost seems a source of shame or as if they're afraid the breakup will reflect poorly on them. In Best Friends Forever, you talk about the embarrassment and shame. Why do you think we tend to have such shame over these types of breakups?

 

Women are often judged by their ability to make and maintain friendships so it's natural that it would be embarrassing to talk about it when someone suddenly loses a close friend. The subject is so taboo, in fact, that there is often no one to talk to about it.

 

You can't tell your mother because she'll likely ask what you did to provoke the breakup. You can't talk about it to your partner, husband or lover, because he'll never understand the depth of female friendships. And women hesitate to tell other friends because they think they'll be looked down upon. There are really no protocol or rules for handling a breakup and that's one of the reasons why I wrote my book.

 

3. What's your best advice on dealing with the loss of a friendship? Do you think people always need to reconnect with the estranged friend and hash it out or do you think it's usually best to move on and somehow get over it? If the answer is "get over it," how do people do that?

 

Getting over the pain of a lost friendship takes time. In the book, I discuss the predictable stages that women go through in reaching a state of acceptance.

 

One mistake people sometimes make is thinking that they need to interact with their ex-friend in order to reach closure. This isn't the case. Often, we don't get that opportunity. Getting over it means learning from the experience so that you are a better friend and make wiser friendship choices in the future.

 

4. Is there one or two things people do that typically contribute to friendship breakups? Is there a better way to live to prevent this?

 

Some friendship breakups are precipitated by disappointments (e.g. failing to acknowledge special days in your friend life) and misunderstandings; these types of breakups can often be prevented with better communication between two friends. If you are a Birthday Princess, your birthday is coming up, and you want to celebrate with your friend, don't count on her having a crystal ball. Mention it so she knows. Or if you felt hurt by something your friend said, let her know so it doesn't happen again and you don't build up ill feelings.

 

The large majority of friendships, however, break up because neither person cares enough about the friendship to make it work. If you are invested in a friendship, you need to make it a priority and devote time and attention to the relationship.

 

5. You live in an area that's become quite well known. Can you tell us a little about Chappaqua and the Washington Post article you wrote for your famous neighbors when they were about to move there?

 

Chappaqua is a small hamlet in Westchester County, New York, that is part of the town of New Castle (along with Millwood). It is about 50 minutes from NYC on Metro North. When I first moved here from the DC area, I was struck by the sense of intimacy and the deeply rooted community that I found. Compared to how transient I found the DC metro area, the shopkeepers and many of my neighbors had lived and worked here for multiple generations.

 

When the Clintons bought their home here, I knew that Hillary Clinton would have to make a big adjustment so I decided to write her a briefing memo that was published in The Washington Post. It was filled with the type of humor and gossip that one woman might share with another female friend. Not only was I delighted when it was published but I treasure the hand-written note I received from the First Lady and Mrs. Gore acknowledging they had read it.

 

To read more of Exurb Magazine, click here. For other interview clips with The Friendship Doctor, check out the Press section of this blog.

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

I just had an argument with my best friend of about a year and a half. We go to law school together and are usually inseparable. She recently got out of a relationship that ended badly and, as a result, she's taken a zero-tolerance approach to dealing with people.

 

I recently started seeing someone who is a mutual friend. My new boyfriend and she don't see eye to eye so if my boyfriend would call, I wouldn't call her to join us---to avoid a conflict.

 

For the last three days, she hasn't called or texted me which I find odd since we speak every day. She said I ditch her for guys and that she's tired of dealing with me and feels our friendship is dead. When I started dating my last boyfriend, she says I would make plans without her as well. She said she's felt that way for a while and has just kept quiet about it. She is livid.

 

I tried to explain but she says I only make excuses. By the end of our conversation, she said she will see how things go for now, but she is unsure that I am capable of repairing my mistakes.

 

What can I do to show her that I never meant to ditch her or offend her in any way and I value our friendship? I always tell her I love her as if she was my sister and I'm very upset that she feels this way. Please help!

Signed,
Claire

 

ANSWER

Dear Claire:

Even though you are best friends, while it would be nice, it doesn't necessarily mean that your boyfriend has to get along with your friend (or vice versa). You also shouldn't have to sacrifice one relationship at the expense of the other.

 

You don't say what explanation you gave her, but if you have broken appointments with her (particularly at the last minute) to see your boyfriend or failed to support her when she needed you, she would be justified in feeling disappointed and hurt. Or maybe you should have been more explicit in explaining why you didn't invite her to join you.

 

Alternatively, you may have done everything right but since your girlfriend is still reeling from her recent breakup, she may be more edgy than usual and be prone to blow small slights out of proportion.

 

In either case, here are my suggestions:

• Apologize for any hurt you may have caused her.

• Let her know how important your friendship is to you that you want to support her during this difficult time.

• Tell her it's okay that she and your boyfriend don't get along and that one relationship isn't exclusive of the other.

• Explain that there will be times when you will be spending time with your boyfriend, but that you will make time for her as well. Have a candid discussion about ways you can incorporate each other into your lives comfortably.

 

If you have already done all of this, you may need to wait a little bit longer until she can hear your. Perhaps, writing your sentiments in a nice card would help.

Best,

Irene

The New Oxford American Dictionary chose the verb "unfriend" as its 2009 Word of the Year (WOTY) and defined it this way: "to remove someone as a ‘friend' on a social networking site such as Facebook." The word "has both currency and potential longevity," explained Christine Lindberg, Oxford's senior lexicographer on the OUP Blog.

 

The choice of this year's word is telling because the act of unfriending (or defriending) is part of the pruning process of maintaining a presence on social media, like Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn. It's easy to collect more friends than you want or need, including many contacts that may turn out not to be "friends" by any reasonable definition of the word.

 

Fortunately, if someone posts too often, bores you, lurks without posting, has questionable politics or ethics, says something caustic or insensitive, acts unpredictably, or even uses too many exclamation points, it's relatively easy to get rid of them electronically---with no more than a few keystrokes.

 

But dumping a true friend-online or off-isn't as easy because it raises the risk of collateral damage. When two people are really "friends," they're likely to have numerous connections. They may have common friends, live in the same neighborhood, share a workplace or livelihood, belong to the same community or organizations, or have exchanged information (including secrets and confidences) with one another.

 

So a word of caution: Even though a new verb has entered the common parlance, think twice before you unfriend. Doing it carries some of the same risks of dumping someone offline.

 

Click here to see the other words of the year.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend has been going through marriage problems ever since I've known her (13 years now). I have been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. When the problems got too big to deal with, I suggested counseling since I didn't want their marriage problems to affect the friendship that I have with her husband too and that my husband has with them.

 

Now, my dilemma is that I personally have gone through a very stressful period in my life with the loss of several family members. I really don't want to talk about all her stresses anymore! I know she feels hurt by this. But the main issue revolves around the funeral of one of my family members. My daughter and my friend, at the funeral home, exchanged words and my daughter ended up in tears out in the parking lot, crying over my friend's insensitivity. It was over a picture taken several years ago and my daughter was joking around with my friend about it because she had hidden it behind one of the pictures that just happened to be at the funeral home.

 

My friend snapped at my daughter and just walked away from her. When I found my daughter crying in the parking lot I couldn't believe my friend acted the way she did. I started to feel that she wasn't there to support my family in our loss but that she is so self-absorbed in her own misery that she just is not seeing things clearly. When I told her how upset my daughter was about their exchange she just said that my daughter was in the wrong. I know I would feel badly if the tables were turned and I had upset her child.

 

Can I get over this? Should I even try? She is acting like I owe her an apology. I have extended opportunities to reconnect but I find she wants to stay in the role of victim and just wants someone there who will pity her. Should I just leave the ball in her court? Please do not use my name if this gets posted. Thank you!

Signed,
Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

Whenever there's a death in a family, the mourners left behind are usually under considerable stress---especially during the funeral and the days leading up to it. Even if your daughter made a mistake or error in judgment, your friend knew your family was grieving and should have given her some slack. Moreover, she should have done what she could to minimize, rather than add to, your stress. Even if she got angry at the moment, to not forgive you or your daughter afterwards sounds wrong.

 

As hard as it is to give up a long-term friendship, this isn't the first time your friend has disappointed you. In this instance, since she rebuffed your efforts to reconnect, I would definitely leave the ball in her court.

 

I'm sorry for your recent losses, which had to have been compounded by this unfortunate incident.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hello Irene,

I recently lost a best friend whom I'll call "Y." Another friend, "K," approached me to organize a Halloween party at my house a few weeks ago. I agreed with one condition: She had to help me with food, drinks, etc. I invited my other friends, including my best friend "Y."

 

I didn't ask my BF or any other guests for help because I felt that I should take care of the planning with "K." My BF didn't seem too excited about the party from the beginning. She didn't want to dress up and I told her she didn't have to.

 

As it turned out, my BF felt that I excluded her from the party planning and decided not to go. I talked to her about it on the Monday following the Saturday night party. She was mad and didn't want to talk. I apologized for making her feel left out and tried to explain why I didn't ask her for help. I guess an apology wasn't enough. We work together and we used to take breaks and have lunch together. Since the day I tried to apologize, she's avoided me. I've asked her to take breaks with me and she's said no. She is taking her lunch at a different time; I think she doesn't want to see me.

 

I stopped asking her or trying to talk to her. Am I doing the right thing? Should I keep insisting or move on? It's so hard for me to accept that our friendship is over. Please advise what to do. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Moira

 

ANSWER

Dear Moira:

What seems like a minor slight to one friend can be blown out of proportion by another. For example, some BFs want exclusive relationships and can't tolerate the idea of sharing their BF with anyone else. It sounds like "Y" was hurt and jealous that you planned the party with "K" and that she, as your BF, didn't play a prominent role in the event. Perhaps, "Y" is a one-woman woman.

 

Some people, especially those who are shy, don't enjoy dressing up for Halloween or being with large groups. You say that your BF was unenthusiastic about the whole idea of the party from the beginning. Perhaps, she's not a party animal and felt a disconnect with you because you are more social.

 

The misunderstanding about the party, by itself, doesn't carry enough weight to be an automatic "friendship-killer." You didn't intentionally try to hurt her and the apology you made was timely and sincere. Could it be that there was something else going on all along between you, prior to this incident? Do you think she may have seized upon this minor slight as an excuse to end the friendship?

 

It's always uncomfortable when there is a schism between two close friends, especially if they work together. Call or send your BF an email saying that you miss her friendship and ask her if you can make plans for dinner together so you can talk it through. If she doesn't respond, it sounds like you've gone as far as you can in trying to patch up a slight that became magnified for reasons you can't fathom.

 

Regardless of how she responds, try to be cordial and friendly because you both need to maintain a sense of professionalism in the workplace.

Best,
Irene

Tomorrow, November 13th, at 2PM EST, I'll be speaking to Debba Haupert on the Girlfriendology BlogTalkRadio "Fun-Filled Friday Show"---discussing our favorite topic: the joys and challenges of female friendships.

 

You can listen and pose your questions online at the Girlfriendology BlogTalkRadio Show - or call in your questions to: (347) 426-3761 (to listen or call in).

It's a great opportunity to share!