Introvert's Corner

By Sophia Dembling

 

Sure, introverts look mild-mannered, but don't be fooled. We can be as surly as the next guy-at least in our heads. We don't often say these things out loud because we don't feel like getting into it, but certain assumptions made about introverts really get on our nerves-and sometimes we get this kind of flak even from friends.

So if your introverted friend's face seems to suddenly freeze into a mask of benign tolerance, you might have hit a nerve.

 

With input from readers of the Introvert's Corner, I put together a list of some things that make us silently seethe.

 

Don't assume we're stuck up and arrogant.

Just because we're not dancing our way into rooms and chattering to all within earshot, it doesn't necessarily follow that we stand in silent judgment of all around us. We're simply enjoying an experience our way. Quietly.

And we're not antisocial either.

We don't hate people. We like people, especially people we like. Just not a lot of them all at once. That doesn't make us potential serial killers.

Don't tell us to smile.

"People tend to assume that if you're not grinning like an idiot all the time you're unhappy," wrote one reader. "As an introvert I don't always wear my emotions on my sleeve-or on my face."

We do so know how to have fun.

But it so happens that what you're doing doesn't look like fun to us. See us sitting in an armchair reading? Hiking a quiet mountain trail? Drinking morning coffee in an empty house? That is top-of-the-line fun to us.

Oh, and sometimes we have lot of fun watching you all have fun. Really. Go, dance, have a good time. We'll serve punch. We might even smile.

Don't try to drag us on the dance floor

Especially when you're dealing with adults, you can assume that we already know what we do and don't enjoy. If we say no (and this applies beyond the dance floor) grabbing our arms and whining, "Oh, come on," or "It will be fun," (see above) does not endear you to us.

We're quiet, not dead.

Here's a bone-chilling introvert tale: "I was with a boyfriend at a party once and he and his boss were discussing personality types at the office...Type A, Type B...," wrote a reader. "And then he turned to me and said ‘So you are, what, a type D?' ‘What do you mean?' ‘Well...you are practically comatose here.'"

Yes, we have both personality and passion.

We just don't have the need or desire to throw it all out there. If you want to know us, quiet down and see what happens.

 

My friend and colleague, Sophia, expresses her personality and passion at the Introvert's Corner on Psychology Today. You can also read her posts on traveling in the United States at Flyover America.

I've never met Sophia Dembling in person but consider her a friend of sorts. We met as members of one or another online writer communities that we both frequent because we have so many overlapping interests. She lives in Texas but her roots are pure New York. I love her sense of humor and her refreshing candor.

 

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women described what it was like to meet a close friend. "We just clicked," was the most common phrase they used. You can say that Sophia and I clicked, both literally and figuratively.

 

Then I made the mistake of posting a comment on World Hum after my "friend" had blogged about introverted travelers. Without thinking, I checked the box saying that I wanted to follow the thread. Over the coming months, I was bombarded with emails announcing more than 115 responses (and still counting) from her readers. In addition to being astounded by the number of followers she has, it made me realize how many people, including me, resonate to the concept of feeling as though we are introverts.

 

I asked Sophia to write this guest post on the topic of friendship among introverts. Feel free to post your own feelings about introversion at the end of this thread :-)

 

Sophia Speaks about friendship and introverts...

 

I finished reading Irene's wonderful book last night and it gave me lots to think about. Certainly I was comforted to read that not all friendships-indeed, few friendships-are meant to last a lifetime.

 

Losing friends can be particularly difficult for introverts because we don't surround ourselves with people. We prefer a few intimate friends to lots of less-intense friendships, and deep discussion with one person to a party full of festive chitchat. For us, losing one good friend can leave a larger hole in our lives than it might for an extrovert with 25 best friends.

 

Attrition in my friendships in recent years has forced me to think about what I most need and want in my friends. Among other things, and like all of us, I want my friends to understand me. But first, of course, that entails understanding myself. Writing and talking to people about introversion has helped me gain insight into my own behavior and what extroverts might want to know about their introverted friends.

 

It's all about energy: What appears to be the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts but draining for introverts. This is why I might come to your party but leave long before the conga line starts. And why a stretch of interaction then requires a few days of solitude to recover. If you understand this, you will have grasped a key quality of your introverted friends and their perhaps puzzling behavior (why didn't she come to the after-hours party?) will make more sense.

 

 

I don't need to come out of my shell: A huge misconception about introverts is that we're all shy. Nope, not the same thing. One can be introverted and shy, or introverted and not shy. (Same with extroversion.) I'm not shy. When I'm in the mood to socialize, I'm perfectly friendly and outgoing. When I'm reluctant to socialize, it's choice, not fear. So if I decline an invitation, please don't push or insist it will be good for me. I have my reasons and they're valid. (At the same time, I promise not to say "no thanks" too often.)

 

The more is not the merrier: Not for me, anyway. If we make plans, please, please don't invite other people to join us-at the very least, check with me first. Introverts usually prefer one-on-one to groups and I'm bummed when the nice cozy visit I anticipated turns into a convivial racket. I'm sure your friends are wonderful people, just don't spring them on me and please don't be offended if I decline invitations to group outings. (Although I do believe that friends attend friends' parties. It's the right thing to do and if you throw one, I will come.)

 

Anything but the telephone: I have one friend who likes to call "just to hear my voice." Very sweet of her but I wish she would invite me to lunch instead. (Yes, of course I invite her; I usually initiate our get-togethers.) Like many introverts, I loathe the telephone. For one thing, we tend to think and respond slowly, and dead air on the telephone doesn't work. I'm awkward on the phone, especially when just-to-chat calls drop on me from out of the blue. And I feel bad that the other person can always sense my yearning to break free. But really, it's not you, it's the phone. Don't take it personally. (I do talk on the phone, sometimes for hours, with far-flung friends. However, I like to either schedule those calls or initiate them so I don't feel ambushed. I often screen my calls and return them when I feel up to it.)

 

Yes, I like online communication: Don't give me grief: The Internet is a godsend for introverts. Not as a replacement for face-to-face, no no!, but to stay connected between visits and take care of business (making plans, for example) without obligatory and tedious phone chitchat. Want to make me happy? Set up a get-together via e-mail. (I don't text or IM much, but many introverts like those, too.) I'm also a fan of social networking-a Facebook extrovert. I'm not a loner in my parents' basement with lots of virtual friends and no "real" ones. My Facebook friends are mostly real-life friends, many of whom are far away. I love being able to kibitz with them anytime online. (Of course, as a writer, I also spend a lot of time in front of a computer.) If you're not a fan of Facebook, that's fine. Just don't hassle me about it, OK?

 

Sophia blogs at The Introvert's Corner on PsychologyToday.com as well as on the travel site Flyover America with her friend Jenna Schnuer and she reviews fitness DVDs on Suit Up and Show Up. If that's not enough of her, there's more on www.SophiaDembling.com/