interview

The Friendship Doctor was recently interviewed by Victoria Clayton-Alexander, editor of Exurb Magazine. Before I answered 5 questions from her, I asked what an "exurb" was.

 

Victoria responded: "The good people at the Brookings Institute define “exurb” this way: exurban census tracts send at least 20 percent of their workers to urbanized areas in large metropolitan areas.

 

For our purposes, it’s a a state of mind (and, okay, place). A lot of people say a lot of things about the exurbs and much of it isn’t so flattering. We’re in the LA/Ventura County area and we care about the environment, education, city planning, music, good food, wine, books and more. If you live outside of a major city and you care about these issues, you’re here too."

 

So with that in mind, here is the interview:

 

Exurbanite Irene Levine is a clinical psychologist and blogs about friendship at The Friendship Blog and The Huffington Post. If you've ever lost touch with a supposedly good friend, been dumped or dumped a friend, you need Levine's new book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. Contrary to what daytime television or Bravo might depict, Levine tells us that friends fall by the wayside not because one steals another one's husband or anything that outrageous. Check out what she has to say about the lifespan of friendships, her book and her famous neighbors....

 

1. When I described Best Friends Forever to various people almost everyone told me a story about a breakup with a good friend. Did you also find in your research that breaking up with a friend is nearly a universal experience? Why does this happen and who seems to be most plagued with friendship problems?

 

I've had the same experience and have gotten emails and survey responses from people all over the world, as far away as Nigeria and the South Pacific, expressing their pain about failed friendships. Regardless of language or lifestyle, the feelings were pretty universal. Most people can resonate to the experience of losing a friend-either because they were jilted, dumped someone else, or because two friends simply drifted apart.

 

As people grow and change, their lives don't necessarily follow the same trajectories so it's completely natural that many friendships would fall apart over time. Most friendships, even very close ones, don't last forever; on average, a friendship lasts about seven years. The more changes that take place in your life (e.g. geographic moves, graduations, changes in marital or parental status, career changes, and personal ones, etc.), the more fragile your friendships become.

 

Yet, I wouldn't really characterize it as a friendship problem. It's only a problem if you don't understand that friendships have their ups and downs and not all of them last forever.

 

2. I've also found that many people are loathe to talk about it...it almost seems a source of shame or as if they're afraid the breakup will reflect poorly on them. In Best Friends Forever, you talk about the embarrassment and shame. Why do you think we tend to have such shame over these types of breakups?

 

Women are often judged by their ability to make and maintain friendships so it's natural that it would be embarrassing to talk about it when someone suddenly loses a close friend. The subject is so taboo, in fact, that there is often no one to talk to about it.

 

You can't tell your mother because she'll likely ask what you did to provoke the breakup. You can't talk about it to your partner, husband or lover, because he'll never understand the depth of female friendships. And women hesitate to tell other friends because they think they'll be looked down upon. There are really no protocol or rules for handling a breakup and that's one of the reasons why I wrote my book.

 

3. What's your best advice on dealing with the loss of a friendship? Do you think people always need to reconnect with the estranged friend and hash it out or do you think it's usually best to move on and somehow get over it? If the answer is "get over it," how do people do that?

 

Getting over the pain of a lost friendship takes time. In the book, I discuss the predictable stages that women go through in reaching a state of acceptance.

 

One mistake people sometimes make is thinking that they need to interact with their ex-friend in order to reach closure. This isn't the case. Often, we don't get that opportunity. Getting over it means learning from the experience so that you are a better friend and make wiser friendship choices in the future.

 

4. Is there one or two things people do that typically contribute to friendship breakups? Is there a better way to live to prevent this?

 

Some friendship breakups are precipitated by disappointments (e.g. failing to acknowledge special days in your friend life) and misunderstandings; these types of breakups can often be prevented with better communication between two friends. If you are a Birthday Princess, your birthday is coming up, and you want to celebrate with your friend, don't count on her having a crystal ball. Mention it so she knows. Or if you felt hurt by something your friend said, let her know so it doesn't happen again and you don't build up ill feelings.

 

The large majority of friendships, however, break up because neither person cares enough about the friendship to make it work. If you are invested in a friendship, you need to make it a priority and devote time and attention to the relationship.

 

5. You live in an area that's become quite well known. Can you tell us a little about Chappaqua and the Washington Post article you wrote for your famous neighbors when they were about to move there?

 

Chappaqua is a small hamlet in Westchester County, New York, that is part of the town of New Castle (along with Millwood). It is about 50 minutes from NYC on Metro North. When I first moved here from the DC area, I was struck by the sense of intimacy and the deeply rooted community that I found. Compared to how transient I found the DC metro area, the shopkeepers and many of my neighbors had lived and worked here for multiple generations.

 

When the Clintons bought their home here, I knew that Hillary Clinton would have to make a big adjustment so I decided to write her a briefing memo that was published in The Washington Post. It was filled with the type of humor and gossip that one woman might share with another female friend. Not only was I delighted when it was published but I treasure the hand-written note I received from the First Lady and Mrs. Gore acknowledging they had read it.

 

To read more of Exurb Magazine, click here. For other interview clips with The Friendship Doctor, check out the Press section of this blog.

The role of being a stepparent can be challenging. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.

 

Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent?

It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly with a birth parent a little easier for everyone.

If there is animosity, however, or potential for one parent to be manipulating another then it is a slippery slope. Being "friends" and being "friendly" are quite different. Friends also have the potential to get in arguments more than those who are simply friendly to one another. The problem with arguing with a friend about something unrelated to your stepparenting role is that it will probably take a toll on your relationship as parent/stepparent, and that is a relationship you really need to protect for the sake of the child. So, you might want to keep it "friendly", and not become BFFs until the child is old enough to be out of the house and on his or her own!

 

Can a stepparent be a friend with and adolescent or adult child?

Adult, potentially - If you became the stepparent to child who is already a mature adult, you may be more of a friend figure anyway. You are not going to be disciplining your stepchild, or making major life decisions for her so having more of a friendship won't confuse the adult stepchild.

It could still get hairy, however, if you have an argument with your stepchild since you can't really cut ties if necessary. Your stepchild will be your stepchild whether or not you are friends. You don't want an argument that could potentially disrupt your family unit in anyway, so you would still have to proceed in friendship with that in mind.

As far as boundaries go, telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets is out the window - unless you don't mind your spouse finding out and your stepchild doesn't mind risking her parent finding out! Keep in mind, your friend might be interested in intimate details about your relationship with your partner - your stepchild probably isn't!! As far as a friendship, proceed with caution and be aware of the dangers and boundaries.

Friends with your adolescent stepchild? No way. You are a parental figure. Adolescents need guidance and to know that they are safe when in your care. They don't need adult friendships from stepparents; they need strong supportive adults!

 

What are some of the landmines a stepparent faces with her stepchild's friends' parents who were friends of the birth mother?

The possibilities are daunting: She may have aired all your dirty laundry and then some to the other parents. The other parents might want to be gossipy and get you talking about the birth mother. The other parents may have chosen "a side" without even hearing your side.

The best thing to do in this situation is remain courteous, don't bad mouth the birth mother, and appreciate that these folks have a history with her, and to them you are "new" or "an outsider". Keep in mind, this is probably less about them not liking you and more about them feeling loyalty to the birth mother. If you act respectfully people will form their own opinions (it may take a LONG time) and eventually realize that you are just fine!

 

Any other thoughts about friendship and stepparenting, Erin?

Friendship is tough, at times, no matter how great the friendship. People go through different stages in life that can really throw a wrench into a friendship. I have always been friendly with my stepson's birth mother - not friends - but I would say we have grown a bit closer since I had my own son, and my stepson is away at college. We recently took pictures of my son and her daughter (my stepson's half siblings) together in their Halloween costumes as a surprise for him. So although we won't be hanging out with one another or chatting on the phone, we love my stepson enough to put our differences aside to assure that he feels that he has a loving family to come home to no matter which house he stays in!

 

Erin Munroe is a licensed mental health counselor, school adjustment counselor, school guidance counselor, and proud stepmother of her nineteen-year-old stepson. She lives in Braintree, Massachusetts and completed her MA in behavioral medicine and mental health counseling from Boston University School of Medicine. She currently works for the Boston Public Schools and holds a part-time position at a confidential teen-clinic, where she provides counseling to at-risk adolescents.

 

* DISCLOSURE: The Friendship Doctor (me) served as a technical reviewer for Erin's book, which I thought was extremely practical and thorough!

I've never met Sophia Dembling in person but consider her a friend of sorts. We met as members of one or another online writer communities that we both frequent because we have so many overlapping interests. She lives in Texas but her roots are pure New York. I love her sense of humor and her refreshing candor.

 

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women described what it was like to meet a close friend. "We just clicked," was the most common phrase they used. You can say that Sophia and I clicked, both literally and figuratively.

 

Then I made the mistake of posting a comment on World Hum after my "friend" had blogged about introverted travelers. Without thinking, I checked the box saying that I wanted to follow the thread. Over the coming months, I was bombarded with emails announcing more than 115 responses (and still counting) from her readers. In addition to being astounded by the number of followers she has, it made me realize how many people, including me, resonate to the concept of feeling as though we are introverts.

 

I asked Sophia to write this guest post on the topic of friendship among introverts. Feel free to post your own feelings about introversion at the end of this thread :-)

 

Sophia Speaks about friendship and introverts...

 

I finished reading Irene's wonderful book last night and it gave me lots to think about. Certainly I was comforted to read that not all friendships-indeed, few friendships-are meant to last a lifetime.

 

Losing friends can be particularly difficult for introverts because we don't surround ourselves with people. We prefer a few intimate friends to lots of less-intense friendships, and deep discussion with one person to a party full of festive chitchat. For us, losing one good friend can leave a larger hole in our lives than it might for an extrovert with 25 best friends.

 

Attrition in my friendships in recent years has forced me to think about what I most need and want in my friends. Among other things, and like all of us, I want my friends to understand me. But first, of course, that entails understanding myself. Writing and talking to people about introversion has helped me gain insight into my own behavior and what extroverts might want to know about their introverted friends.

 

It's all about energy: What appears to be the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts but draining for introverts. This is why I might come to your party but leave long before the conga line starts. And why a stretch of interaction then requires a few days of solitude to recover. If you understand this, you will have grasped a key quality of your introverted friends and their perhaps puzzling behavior (why didn't she come to the after-hours party?) will make more sense.

 

 

I don't need to come out of my shell: A huge misconception about introverts is that we're all shy. Nope, not the same thing. One can be introverted and shy, or introverted and not shy. (Same with extroversion.) I'm not shy. When I'm in the mood to socialize, I'm perfectly friendly and outgoing. When I'm reluctant to socialize, it's choice, not fear. So if I decline an invitation, please don't push or insist it will be good for me. I have my reasons and they're valid. (At the same time, I promise not to say "no thanks" too often.)

 

The more is not the merrier: Not for me, anyway. If we make plans, please, please don't invite other people to join us-at the very least, check with me first. Introverts usually prefer one-on-one to groups and I'm bummed when the nice cozy visit I anticipated turns into a convivial racket. I'm sure your friends are wonderful people, just don't spring them on me and please don't be offended if I decline invitations to group outings. (Although I do believe that friends attend friends' parties. It's the right thing to do and if you throw one, I will come.)

 

Anything but the telephone: I have one friend who likes to call "just to hear my voice." Very sweet of her but I wish she would invite me to lunch instead. (Yes, of course I invite her; I usually initiate our get-togethers.) Like many introverts, I loathe the telephone. For one thing, we tend to think and respond slowly, and dead air on the telephone doesn't work. I'm awkward on the phone, especially when just-to-chat calls drop on me from out of the blue. And I feel bad that the other person can always sense my yearning to break free. But really, it's not you, it's the phone. Don't take it personally. (I do talk on the phone, sometimes for hours, with far-flung friends. However, I like to either schedule those calls or initiate them so I don't feel ambushed. I often screen my calls and return them when I feel up to it.)

 

Yes, I like online communication: Don't give me grief: The Internet is a godsend for introverts. Not as a replacement for face-to-face, no no!, but to stay connected between visits and take care of business (making plans, for example) without obligatory and tedious phone chitchat. Want to make me happy? Set up a get-together via e-mail. (I don't text or IM much, but many introverts like those, too.) I'm also a fan of social networking-a Facebook extrovert. I'm not a loner in my parents' basement with lots of virtual friends and no "real" ones. My Facebook friends are mostly real-life friends, many of whom are far away. I love being able to kibitz with them anytime online. (Of course, as a writer, I also spend a lot of time in front of a computer.) If you're not a fan of Facebook, that's fine. Just don't hassle me about it, OK?

 

Sophia blogs at The Introvert's Corner on PsychologyToday.com as well as on the travel site Flyover America with her friend Jenna Schnuer and she reviews fitness DVDs on Suit Up and Show Up. If that's not enough of her, there's more on www.SophiaDembling.com/

 

It's not unusual for platonic relationships to turn into something different or something more. Whenever this happens, regardless of gender, it can lead to misunderstandings if both people aren't on the same page. When two female friends are involved, the potential awkwardness is compounded exponentially because the experience is less common and less talked about.

 

I was pleased when my colleague Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a regular contributor to Redbook Magazine who has developed a loyal following as Dr. Romance, agreed to share some practical advice for women who find themselves involved in such a situation. Tina is a psychotherapist, author of Gay Relationships: How To Find Them, How To Improve Them, How To Make Them Last, and has written twelve other books on relationships.

 

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What should a woman do if she begins having sexual feelings for a female friend who isn't gay and who is involved in a heterosexual relationship? Should she express her feelings or squelch them?

A. DR. ROMANCE

I would never recommend approaching someone who is already in a relationship. Even if she does reciprocate your feelings, let her get disentangled from her current relationship (straight or gay) first. It's not a good idea, at any time, to begin a relationship with someone who is ‘taken' - if that person would leave her partner to be with you, what do you think she'd do if she were in a relationship with you? You'll never be comfortable with that. Instead, find a coming out group, a counselor, or another gay person to talk to. You need to sort out your feelings before any relationship will work.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

If two women have been involved sexually, is it possible to downgrade the relationship to a friendship without sex? Under what circumstances?

A. DR. ROMANCE

It's just as possible to convert from sexual relationship to friendship with same-sex pairings as it is with opposite sex pairings. It's complicated, it only goes smoothly if both parties want to cool it (which is not the usual case) and it takes a lot of talking and patience on the part of both people. Some couples need to break completely and wait a while, months or years, before they can be friends.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What if a girlfriend begins to say and do things that make a woman feel uncomfortable (e.g. touching her in suggestive ways, acting extremely jealous of her relationships with men)? How should the straight woman handle it?

A. DR. ROMANCE

Tell her she is making you uncomfortable. If she won't respect your feelings, give her an ‘adult time out.' That is, retreat to a polite (be polite, or it won't have impact) distance, not sharing any emotional closeness or friendship with her. When she asks you why, you can repeat that her advances are unwelcome. If that doesn't work, drop her as a friend. You can't be close with someone who doesn't respect your feelings.

On the other hand, if you feel a positive response to her, and what's making you uncomfortable is the idea of being lesbian, then it's important for you to sort out your homophobia first, with a counselor or coming out group.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What other problems might arise between two female friends, one gay and the other not?

A. DR. ROMANCE

If one is homophobic, and doesn't accept the other friend's sexual orientation, that is bound to be a problem between them. Otherwise, the only problems that will arise are the usual problems between any two female friends. That is, you might hurt each other's feelings, get caught in a lie, or be jealous of each other's happiness. Any time one of you treats the other badly, drops an appointment because of a ‘better offer' or borrows money irresponsibly, there could be trouble. If your friend is in an abusive relationship, you might be worried about her. Many things can go wrong in any friendship. At least, the two of you won't be competitive over the same man!

 

For my blog readers who live in the NY metropolitan area whom I haven't yet met in person, I thought you might like to tune in this Sunday morning at 7:00AM to Christine Nagy's weekly show, Get Connected

 

New York 106.7 FM Radio

Also available for download as a podcast

 

"This week on Get Connected our guest will be Dr. Irene Levine, psychologist, professor at NYU Medical School, and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. Dr. Levine will focus on women's friendships and why they are such an integral part of women's lives, also knowing when it's time to move on from a friend and how to do that."

No surprise: The Girls from Ames just landed on the New York Times hardcover nonfiction best-seller list.

Read my interview with author Jeffrey Zaslow on The Huffington Post.

Jeffrey Zaslow is a columnist for The Wall Street Journal. Prior to writing The Girls from Ames, he was co-author of the international bestseller The Last Lecture. Zaslow's column, Moving On, focuses on life transitions and often attracts wide media interest.

Zaslow was drawn to the story of Randy Pausch - and to the Ames girls -- because he has created a beat unlike almost any other in journalism. While The Wall Street Journal covers the heart of the financial world, Zaslow tends to the hearts of its readers. The Girls from Ames grew out of a column Zaslow wrote about the power of lifelong friendships.

 

I’m always searching for great books about female friendships so I was delighted to learn about the release of Between the Covers: The Book Babe’s Guide to a Woman’s Reading Pleasures (Da Capo Press, November 2008).  

The authors, veteran book critics Ellen Heltzel and Margo Hammond—a.k.a. The Book Babes— have compiled a list of more than 500 books to help women find the perfect book for every mood and stage of their life. The book begins: “For book lovers, Paradise means getting between the covers. It means curling up with a good book, or just finding the right one on a bookstore or library shelf, or sharing a favorite with a friend.” Clearly, these are two women who are voracious readers, and who love and appreciate books.

Dubbed the bibliophile’s Ebert & Roeper, Heltzel and Hammon have organized their book into 55 lists, with ten books in each—new books and old, fiction and non-fiction—each list organized around a theme.

The book babies graciously agreed to develop a special list for my readers, the reviews of which are adapted from their new book. Between the Covers should be a reference book on every woman’s bookshelf.

TEN BOOKS ABOUT FEMALE FRIENDSHIP from The Book Babes

Female friendships can spring out of a variety of circumstances and show their strengths in many ways. The 10 books that follow celebrate the rich bonds that women can forge.

A COMMUNITY OF FRIENDS
1. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. The patriarchal plenitude of the Hebrew Bible inspires Diamant to read between the lines and flesh out the female counterparts. Dinah, daughter of Leah and Jacob, gets passing mention in the Book of Genesis, but here she’s elevated by fiction to a fully formed community that sits in “the ruddy shade of the red tent, the menstrual tent,” where their timeless stories depict the rhythms of women’s lives. Love and motherhood are part of the picture, but so are rape, revenge and betrayal, in tales that show how women hung together to endure the hardships of an often brutal world.

A FAITHFUL FRIEND
2. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, by Lisa See. In 19th century China, girls were paired together at a young age to provide companionship for each other throughout their lives. See’s novel shows two of these “old sames,” focusing on a narrator named Lily who marries well and obtains the trappings of her station. Not so Snow Flower, her life partner, whose story drives home the oppressive conditions under which women lived. Lily remains faithful in spite of their diverging paths, recalling, “She was the only one who ever saw my weaknesses and loved me in spite of them.”

FRIENDS WITH A COMMON ENEMY
3. A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini. Mariam is the first wife, cruelly pushed aside when she fails to produce an heir for her Afghani husband. Laila is No. 2, the younger and prettier arrival who also suffers at the hands of the man both women come to hate. In this novel, his second after the bestseller “The Kite Runner,” Hosseini paints a picture of life under the Taliban that includes wife beating and childbirth without anesthetic as common practices. Meanwhile, Mariam and Laila demonstrate the kind of mutual devotion in which no sacrifice is too great.

FRIENDS IN TIMES OF GRIEF
4. The Knitting Circle, by Ann Hood. The death of her 5-year-old daughter, Stella, sends the fictional Mary Baxter into the bleak state of sorrow that only a caring community can quell. By joining a group of women knitters, she finds this healing community, and in the process becomes acquainted with other kinds of suffering. Gradually she learns that, while there’s no escape from sorrow, an open heart increases the capacity for joy. (Baxter is a stand-in for Hood, who subsequently wrote “Comfort: A Journey Through  Grief,” the non-fiction version of what it meant to lose her young child.)     

AN HONEST FRIEND
5. Truth & Beauty, by Ann Patchett. This prize-winning novelist takes time out from writing fiction to recall the strange and enduring friendship she formed with fellow writer Lucy Grealy, whose face was deformed by cancer that destroyed part of her jaw. As told in this loving but honest tribute, Grealy was the wounded bird who relied on Patchett to rescue her from the fallout of her reckless behavior. Grealy’s death from an accidental heroin overdose in 2002 is a loss she still mourns: “Even when Lucy was devastated or difficult, she was the person I knew best in the world, the person I was the most comfortable with.”  

FRIENDS DESPITE GREAT DIFFERENCES
6. The Faith Club: A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew: Three Women Search for Understanding, by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver and Priscilla Warner. Can people of vastly different backgrounds get along? These three mothers – all of different faiths – say yes. After 9/11, they began to meet on a regular basis to talk about being Muslim, Christian and Jewish. Their freewheeling, no-holes-barred conversations, recorded here, included such sticky topics as who killed Jesus, what is jihad and religious stereotyping. Laughing, arguing and challenging each other, through their “faith club” they become friends.

FRIENDS UNITED BY PAIN
8.  Nordie’s at Noon: The Personal Stories of Four Women ‘Too Young’ for Breast Cancer, by Patti Balwanz, Kim Carlos, Jennifer Johnson, and Jana Peters. Here, four women are thrown together after receiving shocking news: All were 30 or younger when they were diagnosed with breast cancer. Meeting at a Nordstrom café near their Kansas City homes, they became “bosom buddies,” discussing treatment choices, family reactions, the role of faith and their attitudes toward death. (Patti's family finished her portion when she lost her battle at age 29.)

FRIENDS AS CARETAKERS
9. Talk Before Sleep, by Elizabeth Berg.  Illness brings out the fierceness of female friendships like no other situation. In this novel about a woman dying of breast cancer, the focus is less on how Ruth copes with her disease than how her female friends do. Forming a support system, they bring her ice cream and lobster, fend off her heartless ex-husband and offer distracting conversation. Much to the dismay of her friends, Ruth eventually decides to spend her last days with her brother in Florida. When Ann, who narrates this tale, finally gets the call that her friend is gone, she hangs up and immediately makes another call. Halfway through dialing, she realizes whom she’s calling: “Ruth, to tell her she died.”

FRIENDS OF DIFFERENT AGES
10. Great With Child, by Beth Ann Fennelly. Friendships between women of different generations can be invaluable. Here, a poet and mother writes to a former student who is pregnant to offer her support and advice. Her missives are alternately moving, funny and practical, with an unusual honesty about just how hard it is to be a young mother. Favorite line: 'What I want to say today, sweet friend, is no matter how busy you become as the mother of a newborn, make sure you read in a good book every day, even it's just for a few minutes.”

More recommendations from The Book Babes can be found at their blog, www.thebookbabes.com.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

In this week's Baltimore Jewish Times, journalist Amy Landsman wrote an article called, We're friends, our children aren't. She describes some of the challenges of balancing mom friends and kids friends.

It begins: You’re pregnant! And so is your BFF! Instantly, you dream about play dates, outings around town, even vacations that your growing families can share. And for a few years, that just might happen. But one day, the kids get that independence thing going, and little Johnny or Susie announce they just don’t like little Hannah or Joshua. What do you do?...

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to add my two cents, Amy! You can click the link above to read the article. What do you think?

 

 

Some of the most painful and unexpected girlfriend breakups occur during the roller-coaster middle-school years. Alexa Young’s engaging new teen novel, Frenemies (HarperTeen, 2008) is a book that moms will want their daughters to read in preparation for this rude awakening. The book tells the story of two eighth-graders and BFFs, Halley Brandon and Avalon Greene, who have always agreed on everything. But after spending a summer apart, they’ve changed—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually.

Alexa graciously agreed to answer my questions about her book.

Why did you decide to focus this series on middle-school girls?

Because my editors made me (!)—but with very good reason. After all, middle school is arguably the time when female friendships can really start to unravel, largely because girls go through so many life-altering changes during those years. Obviously, there are all the puberty-related physical and emotional changes, as well as all sorts of new social and academic pressures. It’s also the time when most girls really start to break away from the familiar voices of authority in their lives, to develop a more independent outlook and pursue new friendships, romantic interests, ideas about what they want their future to look like. All of these things can cause huge shifts and upsets with the people we’re closest to—and that’s what the FRENEMIES series is all about: Growing up and changing and drifting apart (and then lashing out at the people closest to you in really inappropriate ways!). Obviously, these issues don’t stop once you make it through middle school, but the tween years are typically when it all starts and when every tiny event in your life can feel like the biggest deal EVER. If your friend doesn’t invite you to spend the night, your crush doesn’t notice you, you don’t get the must-have outfit or get to go to the biggest party of the year…YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE OVER! It really does feel that way. I know it did to me.

Why are female friendships so turbulent during this period?

Again, I think it has a lot to do with all the changes we go through and how much that can feed our insecurities as well as spark a lot of envy and jealousy. Some girls may be developing more quickly or slowly than others, some may be getting involved in romantic relationships, some may be exploring new ways of expressing themselves—whether in the way they choose to dress or by making new friends or joining new clubs and pursuing sports or other extra-curricular activities. Some may be taking their academics more seriously than they ever have in the past. All of these things fuel a lot of excitement as well as confusion, self-doubt and—potentially—a whole host of awfully dramatic mean-girl maneuvers between supposed “friends.” Speaking from personal experience, I was horribly self-conscious about the fact that most of my friends went through puberty in middle school while I was still waiting for all those “developments,” and that they were all starting to “go out” with guys while I was pretty nervous and awkward around the opposite sex. I was a real late bloomer, and seeing all my friends advancing in physical and social ways sparked plenty of self-doubt. On the other hand, I began to flourish academically and in extra-curriculars, which helped to balance me out but definitely took me in new directions as far as my friendships were concerned.

How can a pre-teen or teen tell a frenemy when she meets one?

I think the red flags are there no matter what your age. There are the obvious acts of betrayal, like talking behind your back or stealing your boyfriend—but I don’t think those are nearly as common as some of the more subtle ways a frenemy shows her true colors. That might include talking about herself but never taking the time to listen to you; only coming to you when she needs or wants something; not supporting your interests or goals; becoming threatened, jealous or envious—rather than excited for you—when things are going your way; constantly trying to one-up you; disappearing whenever you need her (e.g., when she gets a “better” offer to do something with someone else). Most important, it’s a feeling you get when you’re around her: You don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t like who you are, you don’t feel confident being yourself around her, you feel drained rather than energized after spending time with her.

What are the lessons you try to teach in this book?

I’m actually not trying to teach any lessons at all. I think the moment you make a conscious effort to convey a particular message—at least in a work of fiction—it winds up backfiring because it’s only going to come across as preachy and moralistic. As my editors say, “You’re not writing an after-school special!” Particularly when you’re writing for teens, they’re going to see right through that kind of thing and run screaming for something less obvious. So all I’m really trying to do is tell the story with humor and heart. That’s not to say there aren’t deeper messages in there, though, because I think there definitely are—they just weren’t messages I consciously tried to deliver. Some of the takeaways that I think (hope!) shine through: That insecurities can drive us to do absurd things to the people we care about the most in our lives—and that that can be awfully unproductive; that it’s okay to pursue new interests and express yourself in new ways, and that people who’ve truly got your back will support you; that if you’re feeling threatened or uncomfortable or hurt around your friend, you need to explore those emotions—possibly with her—rather than lashing out and making the problem worse. I think the book illustrates what not to do a lot more than what to do, though! I guess that’s why, ultimately, it comes across as fairly light and humorous with subtle messages woven in, when all is said and done.

Can frenemies ever really turn into besties at the end?

It really depends on the nature of the relationship and what’s causing the tension. If one friend betrays or hurts another in an unforgivable way, then I think it’s going to be awfully hard to get past that. However, if it’s a matter of two people drifting apart and pursuing different paths, I firmly believe they can be best friends again—if and when their paths and interests and lives converge again. It may take years, even decades, for them to find that common ground…but I absolutely think it’s possible.

How can moms help their daughters learn to navigate female friendships?

Wow. Great question. As a fairly new mom myself, I think the biggest thing all parents can do—no matter how old their children are—is to lead by example. A mother who has loving, supportive female friendships in her life is probably going to do a great job of raising a daughter with the same. Beyond that, I think moms can encourage their daughters to pay attention to how they feel when they’re around their friends, and to honor those feelings and instincts. As I mentioned before, if your daughter feels insecure or unhappy or unable to be herself in the presence of her friends, that’s a major problem and something that needs to be addressed—most likely, she needs to make some new friends. Another really important message Moms can reinforce: Don’t view differences between yourself and other girls as a sign that any of you are doing anything wrong. All relationships are about the right fit—so if you don’t connect or click with a particular person, that’s doesn’t have to mean one of you is any better than the other…it just means you’re not meant to be friends. Emphasize that everybody is different—not better or worse.

About the author: Alexa Young spent the first several years of her professional life working in the music industry and subsequently worked as an editor for the now-defunct teen magazine JUMP, as well as for SHAPE magazine. As a freelance writer, she’s contributed to a number of national consumer magazines, including Marie Claire, O: The Oprah Magazine and Family Circle. She holds a bachelor's degree in Literature/Writing from the University of California, San Diego, and lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband, son and dog. FRENEMIES is her first novel. The second book in the series, FAKETASTIC, is scheduled for a January 2009 release.

M. Nora Klaver is the author of MAYDAY: Asking for Help in Times of Need

I asked Nora, to think about some of the ways women can overcome the natural reluctance to ask their female friends for help.

Why are women afraid to ask other women for help?

As children, girls learn to navigate the emotional channels of relationships. As we grow into womanhood, we learn to modulate our emotions in order to attract and retain friends, supporters, and partners. Somewhere along the way, we learn to believe that friendships are fragile. In reality they are often much stronger than we imagine.

More so than men, women are concerned that asking for help will result in rejection or damaging or destroying a friendship. When we invest so much emotional energy into our relationships with others, we rarely want to risk that investment.

Women also hesitate to ask other women for help because we all want to appear capable and in control. And, asking for help implies that we are lacking something: competence, skill, energy, or knowledge. Letting another know, even another woman, that we don't have what it takes is humbling and a bit intimidating. Women, at work and at home, will burn themselves out before asking for the help they need simply because they don't want to appear weak.

Given how busy women are balancing careers and their own lives, how can they expect help from friends?

Perhaps one of the reasons we are so busy is because we aren't asking for the help we need. Instead, we decide, often quite deliberately, to take on everything ourselves. I encourage women to sit down with one another and brainstorm common lists of activities -- things we all do -- that we could share with one another. That simple support may be enough to lighten our loads. With just one task alleviated, we might be able to spend a bit more time with each other laughing over tea or margaritas. We might be able to help each other avoid the common illnesses that come from being overwhelmed or drained of energy.

For centuries, women have supported one another in Circles. My mother's own Circle, and it has been called that for decades, is still going strong though many of the ladies have passed on. At first they played bridge and talked about their children, but then they began to be there for one another. Each woman knew she could call on any of the others for help with a meal, babysitting, or finding a new job somewhere in town. Life is definitely different now: expectations are higher, women are working more out of the home, competition at work is stiff. Those differences strike me as stronger reasons for creating a powerful and supportive Circle.

Are there any hints you can offer to women about how to ask friends for help?

Sure, there are simple things to remember when you need to ask for help. First, cut yourself a little slack. We are way too hard on ourselves sometimes. Demonstrating a little self-compassion, you'll see that it is permissible for you to ask for help.

As you ask, be sure to be clear, as clear as you can, about what it is you need. Be open to other ideas that your friend may have to solve your dilemma.

Believe that everything will work out just fine. By now, you have received amazing blessings in your life. And some of the hardest times have turned out to be the best of times as well. Have a little faith. Not only will you get through your crisis more easily, but if you believe everything will be fine, your voice will remain calm and your hands will steady and your request for help will come out clear and strong.

Remember to focus on what's already good in your life. Be grateful for your friendships especially. That gratitude will relax you and help you continue the conversation with your girlfriend. I always suggest the Three Thanks Rule: say thank you when your friend agrees to help you and again when help is rendered. Then, the next time you run into your friend, quietly mention that you really appreciate what they did for you. This way, your friend will know you remember what they've done and will see how truly grateful you are.

What has been your personal experience in asking for help?

My life changed dramatically after I learned how to ask for assistance. Years ago, I was diagnosed with a tumor that needed to be removed. My boyfriend of three years reluctantly agreed to stay with me post-operatively. Two days before the surgery however, he dumped me. I ended up having to ask my elderly parents to come stay with me. I vowed then and there to have people around me who not only accept my help, but are willing to come to my aid when I need it. I have an entirely new circle of friends who have internalized the importance of supporting one another.