internet

Dear Cousin Sel,

It was so much fun chatting with your fourth-Thursday-of the-month book group over the squawk box last week. Every author is thrilled to be invited to talk to a book group even though we realize it's never just about our book. It's also an excuse for busy women to get together, relax, nosh, sip and befriend---and, as importantly, to think about an issue or idea collectively that might not have occurred to any one individual in the group if she hadn't been obliged to read a book that took her on that journey.

That your group has now been meeting for almost 15 years is impressive. You've seen each other through different phases of the life cycle including childrearing, adjusting to empty nests, becoming grandparents, and facing illness, divorce and death. The incredible bond of friendship you've forged over time is evident, even over the phone. Like sisters, you interrupt and finish each other's sentences and feel comfortable enough to challenge one another and disagree. The conversation, laughter, and questions flow fast and easy.

Although we started off with the standard greeting, "Can everyone hear me?" and you all chimed in "Yes," I knew that I could endear myself to your kindred spirits in Hollywood, Florida if I recounted a few details of the impressive snowstorm that promised to reach blizzard proportions here in New York later that day. Floridians (and Californians) always like to gloat about the misery they left behind and your group didn't disappoint me. (Next time we "chat." I hope we'll be videoconferencing on Skype so I can see them laughing at our dire winter weather forecasts)

Conference calls to reading groups always feel somewhat daunting to me. Give and take is never the same as it is in person and I can't see the facial expressions and body language that typically warn me that I'm talking too much and should move on to questions and answers, or should just move on. I tried to be sensitive, asking whether I should skip reading one of the three passages I had selected from my book---but your group seem so genuinely interested and encouraging that I continued.

I must admit, though, that before long I felt like I was sitting beside you at the sunny dining room table in Broward County-with the sliding glass door leading to the covered porch. Your group was so warm and welcoming to an outsider. Perhaps, it's because you introduced me as "My cousin, the author," although we aren't actually blood relatives but cousins through marriage.

I was delighted to tell real readers (rather than editors and other writers) my own story---about why and how I became an author---and why I chose to write a non-fiction book about female friendship. Like most women, from the time I was a very young girl, I was innately curious about friendship and how mine stacked up to other women's experiences.

The best part for me, however, was hearing about your own friendships---including the ones you had with your own mothers and daughters, the joys and challenges you experienced, and the lessons you learned. You spoke about how the Internet has enabled you to reach back into your past and connect with childhood friends from your schools or neighborhood who knew you then, before you became the person you are now. Many of you stressed how important it is for women to maintain friendships over the years because they form the scrapbooks of our lives.

I want you and your group to know that each time an author speaks to a book group, she receives so much more than she gives. Yes, it's hard to sell books these days and you rounded up a captive audience of book buyers. But reading groups offer other, more intangible opportunities for authors: to learn from our readers and to hone our craft so our writing is better. Foremost, they reaffirm why books and the relationships between authors and readers are so important.

The funny part, Selma, was that after I hung up the phone, I was a bit envious of your book club buddies' relationship with someone as special as you. Next time you invite me to speak to your group, I've decided I want to be there live so I can spend some girl-time with you before or after. I imagine there are book groups around my hamlet in Westchester that could offer the same sense of sisterhood and support your group gives you, but I guess I'll have to wait until the power is back on and the large snow banks have melted to look around and find one.

Love,
Cousin Irene

Set your cell phone alarm, mark your calendar, and write it across the top of your hand in red ink. Get ready for Best Friends Day (BFD), sponsored by DoSomething.org and BFF Entertainment. The two groups have declared June 8th, 2009 a national day of celebration for best friends to do something together to change the world.

What can two best friends do on that day to have fun, show affection for each other, and do something that has a larger impact by helping others? DoSomething and BFF have come up with some great suggestions:

1) If you use Twitter and add the hashtag #BFF to your tweet, your message to your friend will be streamed onto the iconic Times Square billboard in New York City on that day. Everyone will know that you are participating in Best Friends Day☺.

2) You can text “bff” to 30644 and sign up to volunteer or tell how you have changed the world.

3) If you send a BFF Bouquet from 1-800-FLOWERS on the day, a percentage of the sale will be donated to Do Something.org

4) Tune in to The Today Show, which will air a Best Friends Day feature on June 8th. Perhaps you’ll get another idea of how to help.

5) If you are a teen, get involved with DoSomething.org/---the organization that uses “the power of online to get teens to do good stuff offline.” If you are an old person (over the age of 20) or you’re privileged to have a business, check out DoSomething on the web and come up with your own unique way to participate and help.

The CEO, creative force, and cheerleader for the non-profit is attorney Nancy Lublin, who dubs herself ‘chief old person.’ In that role, Lublin raises funds from the corporate sector to support grants that help teens get things done. Last year alone, DoSomething.org inspired and empowered 12 million kids to get involved in a variety of projects in their local communities. This isn’t Lublin’s first successful philanthropic venture. At the age of 23, she created Dress for Success, an organization that provides women with the tools and confidence they need to succeed in their careers. That non-profit has expanded to more than 70 cities in four countries.

(Disclosure: I'm proud that my son, Andrew, was privileged to work with the wonderful team at DoSomething.)  

A shared experience can bring people together and even create the foundation for life-long friendships. When I first arrived at my position at the National Institute of Mental Health, without any forewarning, my new supervisor told my friend-to-be Risa that she would be sharing an office with me. Surely, no one likes to lose their space and privacy so things were kind of bumpy at the beginning. But after several months we not only learned how to co-habit comfortably in the workplace, we became close friends. I remember bonding with my friend Diana when we were breast-feeding our babies at the same time. We were both on maternity leave while navigating the new waters of motherhood together. We are still friends today.

 

Some life circumstances make times more challenging to befriend than others. Perhaps you're battling depression or addiction, reeling from a divorce or other loss, or someone you love has been diagnosed with a serious illness. At such times, it's natural to feel like you want to crawl under the covers and isolate yourself. Yet connecting with another person who understands your experience firsthand can help you cope and feel less alone.

 

So I was excited to learn about Experience Project, an internet site that provides an opportunity for people to connect and share a sense of community based on similar experiences. I interviewed Armen Berjikly, the founder and CEO, to learn a bit more.

How does Experience Project (EP) relate to friendship?

If you accept the premise that most, if not all, of our friendships are based on shared experiences-- cultures, religions, backgrounds, schools, careers, families, etc. then Experience Project provides the means to turn strangers into intimate friends.

EP harnesses technology to introduce people who could (and perhaps should) be friends in the physical world, based on shared life experiences, but who will either never meet, or never realize the extent of what they have in common. If you think about it literally, you pass hundreds of people a day, and any one of those people could be your next best friend-- if only you knew who to stop, what to ask, and even then if they felt comfortable responding. EP makes that happen thousands of times a day, providing a platform where who you are is all that matters.

 

Can you provide a bit of information on the demographics of your visitors? What proportion are women?

While visitors to our site break down nearly evenly, registered members are two-thirds female. More specifically, our typical member is an American mother in her late twenties.

 

What types of experiences seem to draw women to the site? Are their experiences different or similar to that of men?

Women and men are generally drawn to the site for similar reasons-- experiences around health and relationships. Broadly generalizing, the usage pattern of male versus female users differs a bit in that female members are more likely to build a community among the people they interact with-- exploring their profiles, commenting on their stories-- while male users are slightly more inclined to be problem-solving oriented, getting and giving input to specific questions. These generalities obviously don't hold true across the board, and many of our most active members in the community at large are male.

 

Do you ever hear stories of women who connected on the site and became friends offline? Or are all the visitors anonymous?

Members are required to remain anonymous in their public postings-they are not allowed to post information that could be used to specifically identify them, such as phone numbers, addresses, real names, etc. However, once people begin interacting, they have every tool at their disposal to communicate with other members privately. While they can continue to use the site to communicate anonymously, and indefinitely, some members naturally want to connect in the real world. We just heard about our first EP wedding-- the members were perfect strangers who met, and discovered each other, through the site. Their wedding will be attended by a dozen or so other members. Further, we know of dozens of coffee circles and even a group of members who went on a summer road trip together. So yes, EP can lead to connections offline, though we never push people to feel that they have to take it that far, and in fact do everything in our power to make sure that communicating on the site is comfortable and satisfying.

 

What were your motivations for creating the site?

I wanted to create a place where people could be themselves, and define themselves through all of the experiences in their life that they considered important, including the triumphs and the challenges. The site began after a close friend's diagnosis with a serious illness. After building an online community dedicated specifically to that disease, I saw the real power driving the site was connecting people who shared life experiences. Further, no one person was defined by any one experience, and connecting people who share a combination of experiences provided for the most personalized support, as well as the basis for a long-lasting and meaningful friendship. With 3 billion people on this planet, no one should ever have to feel alone, no matter what they're going through and how unique they feel their situation is.

 

 

Using the search term "friendship blog," Fractured Friendships is the Number 1 blog on Google, Thanks for your support and interest!

Is one of your friendships getting you down? Do you have any questions I can answer? Send your queries to irene@fracturedfriendships.com/ I'll try to answer as many as I can.

 

 

 

Some of the problems life hurls to us are so complicated and overwhelming that they are hard for our closest friends and family to understand. When those problems affect our children, it leaves parents feeling particularly vulnerable and alone.

Such was the case for the Janice Bonis and her husband who couldn’t figure out how to help their son, Michael. There was no shortage of well-meaning, but ill-advised advice, from those around them. Some told them to be more lenient; others told them to be more strict...