infertility

You may not be able to picture yourself in a relationship like that of Wendy and her college friend Daphne but in the larger-than-life caricatures of two quintessential New Yorkers, novelist Lucinda Rosenfeld captures the essence of many close female friendships.

 

Daphne Uberoff is stunningly beautiful and has all the trappings of material success; Wendy Murman is a struggling magazine writer, with fertility problems and a slacker husband. As the gap between the two women widens, the jealousy and envy that Wendy harbors grows so extreme that it becomes corrosive.

 

I'm So Happy For You (Back Bay Books, 2009) portrays a less than perfect relationship between best friends that falls short of the romanticized notion we usually read about in novels. As often happens in real life, the huge fissures in this friendship are varnished over with the protective glue of shared history and experiences; the predictability of personalities (despite their peccadilloes); and with having friends and acquaintances in common. In such circumstances, no matter how bad or disappointing a relationship becomes, it's hard to let go.

 

In this breezy, light-hearted and engaging read, Rosenfeld aptly drives home the point that when it comes to best friends, these relationships aren't always as they appear to be.

 

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a very close friend who is going through a rough time. She recently became pregnant after ongoing fertility treatments. I was extremely supportive through all of this.  Since becoming pregnant, her anxiety and panic has increased immensely.

She is an only child who depends greatly on her parents and will often choose to do things with her mom over doing something with me. I don't ask her to do much these days since she is with her mom most of the time.

With her panic issues, she has become extremely hard to be around.  I try to help as much as I can, but she will usually just tell me that I don't really understand because I haven't had her exact symptoms. She now thinks she's becoming depressed as well.

I guess my issue is that over the years I go through these stages where I feel like she expects me to be there for her whenever she needs me. But when I need her, she barely has time for me. I can call her with a problem, and she's always doing something while talking to me. I NEVER get her full attention.

I know this is a troubling time for her, but it just seems to have brought back my negative feelings about this friendship. And, to a certain extent, she is creating some of her anxiety/panic/depression.  I am just finding myself very angry about this whole friendship. Any advice?

Thanks,
Paige

ANSWER

Hi Paige:

If your friend has a true panic disorder, she may be experiencing terrifying physical and emotional symptoms that feel out of her control. Panic disorders are often associated with depression and anxiety as well. While you sound like a very empathetic and caring friend, your friend is probably correct in saying that you can’t understand exactly how she is feeling. You also can’t make her symptoms go away. But these two facts don’t make you less of a friend.

Because of your friend’s problems, the relationship has become one-sided. It’s normal that you would feel resentful because she isn’t able to be there for you in the way that you are there for her. Since you call her a “very close friend” and acknowledge that she is going through a “rough time,” it seems like your friendship once had a more reciprocal basis, where there was more give and take, so I wouldn’t give up on the friendship just yet.

The signs and symptoms of a panic disorder tend to flare up during difficult life transitions, and coping with infertility would be high on such a list. In fact, some research suggests that coping with infertility can be as stressful to a woman as dealing with a serious physical illness like cancer or HIV/AIDS. Although getting pregnant after having fertility problems should be uplifting, it can be another source of stress.

You didn’t mention whether or not your friend is being treated for her symptoms. If she is, she may need some more time. If not, you may want to suggest that she get diagnosed and treated. Perhaps, her mother is worried about her daughter’s problems and that’s why she and her mom are spending so much time together. If you have a comfortable relationship with her mom, you can mention that you are concerned about your friend.

In any case, it sounds like you are burned out and may need to step back a bit until your friend is more together. You could have a frank discussion with her and tell her that you are a bit overwhelmed by her neediness but still cherish your friendship. In the meantime, take a break. Spend more time with other friends you enjoy, create a bit more distance between you and this friend, and see how things evolve over time. Just keep in mind that it is unlikely that her emotions are under her control at this point and she’s probably suffering more than you. Above all, be kind because she’s your friend.

I know this isn’t an easy situation but I hope this gives you some food for thought.

Best,
Irene

About Panic Disorder (from the National Institute of Mental Health)

Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder. It causes panic attacks, which are sudden feelings of terror for no reason. You may also feel physical symptoms, such as

* Fast heartbeat
* Chest pain
* Breathing difficulty
* Dizziness

Panic attacks can happen anytime, anywhere and without warning. You may live in fear of another attack and may avoid places where you have had an attack. For some people, fear takes over their lives and they cannot leave their homes.

Panic disorder is more common in women than men. It usually starts when people are young adults. Sometimes it starts when a person is under a lot of stress. Most people get better with treatment. Therapy can show you how to recognize and change your thinking patterns before they lead to panic. Medicines can also help.

Have a friendship dilemma? Perhaps I can help. Write to me at irene@fracturedfriendships.com/

“There’s just something about getting together with people who have always known you,” remarks Olivia, one of the thirty-something characters in Second Chance by Jane Green (Viking, 2007).

With a storyline that is somewhat reminiscent of the 1983 move, The Big Chill, when a childhood friend (Tom) dies tragically, it sets the stage for four friends to come together at midlife and examine their lives and loves. This novel, by the prolific, New York Times best-selling chick-lit author Green, highlights the role that shared history plays in friendships.

Although their lives have followed very different paths, the four childhood friends reconnect instantaneously. The author describes how that feels for Holly Mac, another of the protagonists: “With friends that feel more like family, not because of …closeness to them now, but because of the strength of a shared history,” writes Green. “They know her mother, she knows theirs. She knows their brothers and sisters, who they were before they adopted the mantle of adulthood…”

The protagonists realize that friendships of our youth remind us not only of our past but also of the person we had always hoped to become. What I enjoyed most was the book’s treatment of weighty issues---like infertility, divorce, betrayal, loneliness, alcoholism, and maintaining one’s sense of self in a marriage---and their bearing on female friendships.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

Time of Your Life (Random House, October 2008) is Allison Winn Scotch's second novel. It tells the story of Jillian, a thirty-something, married, suburban mother in Westchester County, New York, who suddenly sees her life playing out a different way than it did seven years ago, and takes the reader along for the ride.

 

This engaging story raises provocative questions about love, marriage, family, friendship, and motherhood. It will grab anyone who has ever had second thoughts about the road not followed. The film rights to the story have already been purchased by the Weinstein Company so watch for it to come to your local theatres!

 

Allison graciously agreed to answer my questions about the role of friendship in Jillian's story:

 

Question:
You did a lovely job portraying Jillian as a woman juggling multiple roles: wife, worker, mother, and friend. What roles did her friends, Megan and Ainsley, play in Jillian's life (lives)?

Answer:
They were really her foundation, her barometers, in both her present and her past. Whatever her crisis, her friends were stable for her - and she tried to do the same for them. I've found this to be true in my own life too: through every various incarnation of myself and my relationships and my careers, my friends have held steady, and in fact, I thank many of my dearest friends in my acknowledgments, saying, "Thank you for reminding me that where we come from is just as important as where we're going." And this pretty much sums up Jill's friendships - they carry her through wherever she might be headed. That, really, to me, is what the best of friendships can do.

 

Question:
Did you derive inspiration for those characters from your own friendships? If so, explain.

Answer:
Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that I have a few very, very close friends whom I value like family. Second to my husband (and maybe my parents), they get the phone call with any good news that I want to share. So I understood how necessary and invaluable these women were for Jillian. I also understood that there are certain things - secrets, for lack of a better word - that you can share only with these women. In fact, the inspiration for the book came from a conversation I had with my dearest friend - she was having one of those "what if" moments, and we were discussing the paths she could have taken, and I was reassuring her that these questions were entirely normal...we just don't share them publicly too often. Really, only with our most trusted confidantes. So, in that sense, yes, I derived inspiration from my friendships. But neither Megan nor Ainsley are based on my friends or literally inspired by them. But it would certainly be fair to say that my love and appreciation for them is perhaps reflected in Jillian's love and appreciation for her friends and how they help her wade through the muck of her situation.

 

Question:
Your handling of infertility was particularly sensitive. How did it become a dominant theme in the book?

Answer:
Well, the book wrestles with a variety of issues that deal with motherhood, and I wanted to explore what it might be like to want that motherhood so badly - something that Jillian is mildly blasé about - and not be able to achieve it. How would that mold you? How would you cope with it? Increasingly, as my friends and I get older, I hear of friends who struggle with fertility, and my heart breaks for them because, it's the great unknown really: who knows if you're going to get pregnant, and it can really feel like a crapshoot. But what if this was all you wanted in the world for yourself? How do you overcome that? How do you grieve? How do you move forward? Megan's experience and views really stood in contrast to Jillian's, and I thought it was a nice counter-balance and a good way to explore how much motherhood can (or can't) define you.

 

Question:
How did Jillian friendships change with marriage and motherhood? What has been your own experience?

Answer:
Jillian became more isolated, both literally and emotionally, when she married. She left so much of what she was familiar with: her job, her city, her apartment, and headed to the suburbs, and I think this was really disorienting for her, as I know it can be for many women. And then there's the whole motherhood factor: the fact that after we have kids, we might feel less connected with our single or childless friends, or they might feel less connected to us. Not that this always happens. Certainly, there are plenty of times when it doesn't happen. But, and many moms will quickly admit to this, when you have kids it becomes so, so easy to lose yourself in them, and what happens when you meet up with your single friends and all you want to do is talk about potty training or pre-school applications? It's not fair to them, and I guess it's not fair to you either. But the key, for me, has been finding common ground. In my own experience, sure, I've drifted in some friendships (or they've drifted from me) once I got married and had kids - simply because we didn't share the same common ground anymore- but the ones that were most dear, of course we made them work. We go out for dinner, and they listen to me talk about my kids, and I listen to their dating horror stories...and then we move on to gossip, careers, old friends, whatever. I think it's important that everyone make a little effort to find that middle ground - it's not hard to do in solid relationships.

 

Question:
On page 63, you mention how friends can get lost in the shuffle of life. Can you explain how or why this happens based on your own experiences?

Answer:
Sure, I alluded to it a bit above. Sometimes, when friendships are so constant in your life, you almost forget that they're there...it's like you take them for granted. "Oh, I can call her tomorrow because I have to deal with XYZ today." That sort of thing. I know that I'm totally guilty of this. Right now, for example, my best friend and I have been playing phone tag for over three weeks: she moved, I went on vacation, she got wrapped up in her son's new school, I got wrapped up in work, etc. But I've also been lucky. I've surrounded myself with women who don't need daily check-ins - we're always happy to hear from each other whenever the other has the time. I understand that my friends value me, and I also understand that they have a whole set of responsibilities that have nothing to do with me. And that's totally okay. What matters most to me is that when I really need them - with good news or with bad news - they answer the phone and listen.

Question:
Writing a novel can be pretty lonely. How do you handle your own friendships as a novelist?

Answer:
A couple of different ways: One, I have a lot of "virtual" friends! Which sounds crazy, but my writer friends whom I know from various online groups keep me company during the day when I need to connect with someone or need a break. I just head to the forums of these sites and chime in. Two, I make a point to have a girls' night at least once a month. This keeps me in touch with my college friends who have known me for almost two decades. You can't replace that kind of camaraderie, and even when I'm soooo tired and don't feel like going, I'm always so glad that I did afterward: I feel rejuvenated. And three, as I've said above, I have a short list of my closest friends who I call when I have the time...usually this is while I'm walking the dog! But after catching up for 30 minutes or so, I feel like all is well in my world...and in theirs. And that's enough to fuel me over the next few days (or weeks) when we might not have a chance to reconnect.

Outlandish Notions is an interesting blog that touches upon many of the emotional landmines women encounter as they struggle and cope with infertility. A recent post, called Continuing the Conversation on Friendship, expresses the author’s fears about revealing such an intimate problem even to close friends.

Sharah writes: “Infertility is like a litmus test for friendships. Is this person a Class One friend, someone who will be there through thick and thin? Or are they a Class Two, someone who can be a friend during the good times of life only?”