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Even though technology enables women to connect online, it can't substitute for the face-to-face friendships that steep over a cup of tea or a conversation about a good book. Local book groups (also called reader groups) offer women an opportunity to get together in a cozy setting to talk, to think, to feel, and to engage with one another on many different levels. Book groups provide far more than just the opportunity to read a book: They're forums where friendships, both close and casual, are made and nurtured.

 

"What we've discovered these past two years is that book groups are to reading what slow food is to the food industry, blogged Joan Gelfand, President of the National Women's Book Association on The Huffington Post. "In this fast paced world, book groups give people a chance to connect, join in community and listen and learn in intimate environment," she added.

 

Adding a Reader's Group Guide to the end of my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Breakup with Your Best Friend, wasn't an afterthought. It seemed integral to the book's purpose: to stimulate an ongoing dialogue between friends and among women about the nature of our relationships.

 

Novelist Joanne Rendell, author of The Professors' Wives' Club and Crossing Washington Square (Penguin) recently interviewed me on the topic of The Secret Lives of Women and their Book Groups for her blog in The Huffington Post. A portion of the interview is reprinted below:

 

JOANNE:

Book groups are predominantly a female phenomenon. Why do you think this is the case?

 

IRENE:

Women will use any excuse to get together with other women. Whether it's a trip to the nail shop, a gym class, or a book group, women seize upon opportunities to be together to share feelings and emotions. What better stimulus than a good book, fiction or non-fiction, to get the conversation rolling, and the commitment to a book-group to provide an excuse for a regular girls' night out? Book groups offer women a chance to take what might be a solitary hobby -- reading -- and use it to nurture friendships.

 

JOANNE:

How are books and book groups good for female friendships, in your opinion? Can they be bad? Any advice for women starting a book group with friends?

 

IRENE:

Sometimes your friendships get into a rut because you're so used to ruminating about what's wrong with your friend's life or yours -- after all, that's what friends are for. But a book group offers a prop (the book) that stimulates new ideas to talk about and creates a larger circle of friends with whom you can share feelings. It is also often easier to talk about fictional characters in a book than it is to talk about our selves.

You might learn new and fascinating things about other women's interests or life experiences from reading a book together. With a book as a talking point, you'll cover ground and topics you hadn't thought to cover with your friend in organic conversation. Importantly too, it takes many young mothers out of the 24/7 "mommy" role so they can talk to each other as adults.

Then again, books and book groups can be as divisive as politics. People may argue about what genre to read, how much time should be allotted for small talk, or what to do about the member who always comes late and never has time to read the book.

Just like friendships, no book group is perfect. Conflicts and disagreements are to be expected and need to be worked through. And by doing so, relationships are strengthened. It's important to maintain a lively mix of conversation that is both breezy and cerebral, with wine, cupcakes or hot cocoa around to lighten the mood in case the conversation gets too heated!

Just as a certain chemistry is essential to forge a friendship between two people, it is important to make sure that members will coalesce as a group. You want a mix of people: some who talk more and some who talk less. Nothing is as destructive to to the group as a member with an irritating personality who doesn't quite fit in. In fact, as a precaution, you might invite someone for a "tryout" before you commit to adding a new individual.

 

JOANNE:

Any tips on how to deal with a book group break up?

Members of a book group can become quite attached to each other. In fact, the composition of the group may even be predicated on existing friendships, either close friends or acquaintances. But just like friendships among women, book groups (and writers' groups) are dynamic. Individuals are constantly changing and they may change in different directions. Other commitments come up, people go through personal angst, and have more or less time in their lives for each other as life proceeds through such stages as marriage, motherhood, career changes, and divorce or widowhood. There may no longer be a central core to hold the group together.

For these reasons, members should expect a somewhat changing cast of characters and be on the lookout for new participants (friends-to-be) to add to the mix. They also must come to terms with the reality that not all book groups last forever! And if the group survives, but you are catapulted from the group, you may want to assess why before you join another one.

 

If you live close enough, I would love to discuss the possibility of meeting with your book group. If you live further, Skype can come to the rescue! Contact me at Irene@IreneLevine.com to find out how I can participate in your book group.

 

 

 

Sleeveless dresses with well-toned arms, sensible but stylish flats, and now what might be a real first: A ‘Girl’s Night In’ at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue during her first days at the White House.

Not only is Michelle Obama a first lady with style and panache but by all reports----she is fiercely loyal to and appreciative of her female friendships. Read my latest post on The Huffington Post.  

 

What makes Michelle a woman with whom you would want to be friends? Aside from her arms, I love her seeming ability to successfully juggle husband, children, self-care, career and friends and come out smiling! It isn't easy to strike that balance.  

 

Why would a middle-aged woman not be able to keep a friend?

Read my latest reader query on that topic on The Huffington Post.

However and wherever you live, the effects of the economic downturn have been pervasive, leaving few of us unscathed. They're even affecting our friendships!

 

With the cost of entertainment, transportation and meals skyrocketing, there's a natural tendency to hunker down, cocoon at home, and reduce spending. "In times like this, everyone is looking for ways to save," says Jo Gartin, a celebrity party planner and author of Jo Gartin's Weddings. "For many, that means bringing entertaining inside the home."

 

See my blog post on the effects of the recession on Girls' Nights Out in The Huffington Post.

Contrary to the myth of best friends forever, many female friendships don't always turn out the way we hoped they would. The friend who is constantly making one-sided demands of you is one disappointing example.

 

When a close friend is always in need of one thing or another---money, favors, introductions, coddling, praise, or simply more time than you have to give---the relationship begins to grow weary. You feel like you're walking around with an emotional ball and chain around your ankle.

 

The term toxic friendship refers to a variety of relationships that are consistently negative and draining. The nature of these relationships is defined by patterns, not by one-time or occasional lapses in the reciprocity that is the essence of a healthy friendship.

 

Why would anyone put up with a friend like that? It, too, can be explained by the concept of reciprocity. Friendships continue when they are mutually satisfying---even if the relationship is toxic. Many women have a hard time extricating themselves from these relationships. These include:

• People who like to feel needed

• People who feel like they aren't worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships

• People who are stuck---either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend

 

Get real: If your truly needy friend has been that way for some time, the real possibilities of changing the relationship verge on hopeless. Yet it's hard to find a way out. Here are some ways to unload:

1) Change the nature of your friendship by learning to say "no" and setting boundaries (e.g. "Even though we are both single, I don't want to spend every Friday night together" or "I can't have dinners with you after work because I need to get home to my family."')

2) Tell her that you have to tend to your own needs (or those of anyone else you can think of---your mother, your kid or your cat)

3) Slip away - Spend less time with her and add other less demanding friends to your inventory

4) Take a relationship sabbatical, a well-deserved hiatus from the friendship

5) If you've reached the point where you feel there is nothing really to lose, simply cut loose!

 

Get rid of the guilt. These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way she treats you. It's likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that's why she is so dependent on you.

 

This blog entry also appeared on the Huffington Post

I’m so excited that I’ve been asked to blog for the Living Section of the Huffington Post (AKA HuffPo or HuffPost). This popular weblog offers: syndicated columns, blogs, news stories and moderated comments to 5.7 million readers---talk about reach! I will continue to blog on FracturedFriendships.com and many of the entries that you read here will find their way to HuffPo too.

But now you will be able to register with the Huffington Post and get my blog entries delivered directly to your virtual mailbox whenever a new entry is posted (probably about once or twice a week). I hope you will sign up as a “fan” when you read this post by clicking the little red heart at the top of any of my HuffPo blog entries.

The topic of female friendships is of universal interest (even to men who don’t always understand us!) As you nurture the close relationships in your own life, I hope you will continue to help me think about all the dimensions of female friendships and how those rich bonds enhance our lives.

And don’t forget: Please leave your comments and post your questions here or on HuffPo so I stay relevant to your needs and interests.

To be continued…

I hereby proclaim February 29th, 2008 as the first Make Time for Friends Day. There are no commercial aspects to the day that you need to worry about. You don’t have to buy cards, send gifts or spend money. You have received the gift of extra time and are free to use it wisely. Let me suggest how:

At various times in our lives, we have more or less time and need for our female friends. Women who are single, divorced, widowed, or retired tend to have more discretionary time than women who are involved in marriage, child-rearing or heavily invested in their careers. Of course, most research looks at groups and talks about averages rather than individuals so these trends certainly don’t apply to every woman. There are many women who are married, raising their brood, or working---who are wise enough to make female friendships a priority in their lives.

However, looking at the trends, you might easily ask: How will women have any friends when they get divorced, become widowed, or decide to retire, if they don’t make efforts to maintain those friendships beforehand? You are absolutely correct in posing that question because research suggests that single women who forgo marriage are more likely to retain their close friendships over the long haul. In a recent post on her blog on the The Huffington Post, social psychologist Bella DePaulo and author of Singled Out states that based on scientific research on loneliness in later life, “…No group is likely to be less lonely in their senior years than women who have always been single.”

I think I have one answer to reconcile the gap for those at-risk: This year, 2008, is a leap or intercalary year. That means that an extra day has been added to the calendar, Friday the 29th, to synchronize the calendar year with the solar year.

This extra day is a perfect time for Make Time for Friends Day. All you very busy multi-tasking women (me among them), take out your Blackberry, Palm, or conventional paper daybook or calendar and give yourself that extra day, February 29th, to catch up with one or more female friends---old or new--- who you’ve not had time to be with.

Take the leap and do it now! Think about the significance of friendships to your well-being, physical, emotional, and spiritual---and give yourself the gift of time with friends. My suspicion is that you may decide that one day every four years isn’t enough---and that it may become a habit.